AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 5 months ago

Stevie B at the No Perfect People AA group, Woodinville , WA 4/18/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Stevie B. at the No perfect people AA group, Woodinville , WA 4/18/2021

How you doing everybody, my name isStevie B, I'm recovering alcoholic and I'm a member of the Golden Text Groupin Daniel Beach. Florida is good to be here with you guys tonight. I just wantto ask you to do one thing: If you are willing to be a sponsor, if you'veworked the twelve steps and you're willing to be a sponsor, it's justsomething I'm throwing out. That's not the Group A requirement of, but I'm just asking.If you've worked the twelve steps and you will and be responsible you pleasestand up an you guys if you can just staystanding: Okay and if you're, if, if you're willing to be a sponsor, staystanding, okay, which you are and if you don't have a sponsor today, I'm notgoing to ask you to stand up. Beyon have a sponsor, but I'm going to askyou to look around because to day you can leave with asponsor, and these are the people that you can leave it men with the man. Iwould, I would suggest, an women with the women okay. Otherwise, that's adifferent type of sponsorship probably want different meeting. Okay. Thank youguy. So much. Thank you very much so, as I said, I'm from south Floridaand someone very very kindly told they put out that I was from South Beach,which is so much cooler. I know you guys, don't know that, but southbeaches, like speedos and and the bathing toes that go what'sthat called hang when they go up the butt, the baby that that South Beach,okay and that's like versac's mansion and Feraris, and lamborne's and Er, I'mnorth of that, I'm in Dania. None of that. Okay, we have to wear fullbathing suits so, but I'm really really excited to behere tonight, because my message is a specific message about someone that wascompletely lost to the world of drugs and alcohol, andI just want to say three things in the beginning, so you don't get offended asthe talk goes on. I am going to mention drugs in a general way, of course, knowing that this isalcoholics anonymous and I'm going to be absolutely cognizant that this isalcoholics anonymous. But I am not a pure alcoholic, I'm a real alcohol okay.So if I sap is peeping out of a window for three days because the Scotch it'snot going to make sense, you know a a a so you're going to have to fill intoBOT because you don't want. I don't want to appear like a Whacko. Okaynumber two is you're going to hear about God, but don't get offended he'sall over the big book. The first one hundred and sixty four pages is goingto point you directly to God. So I'm going to mention Gognet, don't leavethe other thing is we may go a little over? So if you have to leave at thetime that you usually leave, I'm not going to be upset, no one's going to beupset and I'm going to do my very very best to pack of thirty years ofinformation into a thirty minute. Do Me my very very best, but I do want to saya flow up here: Six and a a almost seven hours to speak here tonight. Soif I go a couple minutes, don't get upset. You know it was a long flight.Okay, when I got ask to speak by the trusted Certin, which I reallyappreciate it. He asked me if I would like to go to Washington and I wasduring the election time. I thought that would be very, very cool to seethe capital and all that kind of stuff, and then I found out it was Washingtonstate and I'm in like right over Miami, and if you do them it's far, okay, sothose are the three things I just want to just get it out of the way I'm from I live in Florida, but I'mfrom New York and if you know anybody from New York, if you, if you are fromthe first fall, is there anybody from New York in here Okra, okay per that's it one person forthe whole place from New York. There's other people from New York, but they're,probably a statue of limitations hasn't run out, so they're not raising theirhand. So, if you're from New York, you know that new, the north east oftotally different than the northwest very people here are nice. We have spent the last two days aroundNice people, even when I was doing crazy things on the road not intendingto there's a lot of different things here of Nice people, no one beeping,they see what's going on, they, let you in the lane. Okay, very, very nicepeople, the North East, is a different type of people, they're also waving atyou, but in different type of hand, signals, and so, when we got here today,I said to my wife. I said I m sorry. Wegot here on Saturday, I said to my wife: This is such a wonderful era to be inand such great alcoholics anonymous. I know that I just met two old timershere they coming tonight to the meeting. They usually go to the meeting up thestreet and they have a combination of eighty over eighty years of sobriety,the two of them their cousins, yeah yeah. One of them is for sure named Jimfor sure and the and the other one I think for possibly is Dave. Am I rightDavid, Jim Yeah, and one of them is cranky and theother one's very, very nice, so you got to be careful. Okay, I wouldn't justappro approach with caution. That's all I'm saying right that you O here we go. You See,I'm saying this is where we go. So it's great to have old timers in here,because without the old time is we wouldn't know what to do. Theresponsibility has been passed on to us. Okay, so my situation is this. I feltless than my entire life. If you were...

...here yesterday in the Church, I'm sorrysome of the same talk. Obviously it's the same person that you're going tohear some of the same stuff, it's the same story, but I felt less than my entire life. Idon't have alcoholism because I drank a lot and I became an alcoholic. I havealcoholism because I was restless, irritable and discontent and alcoholfixed that for me, it's not the other way around alcohol is actually theanswer to my problem, not the problem to my answer. When I drank, Iimmediately felt a sense of relief to the problem that I already had when the kids in the playground werepushing around the Marigon. This way, I pushed it the other way when theywanted to play a kick pull. I wanted to play SOCCO when they want to playsoccer. I wanted to play football when they were talking to Sally. I wanted totalk to suzy. I always felt different and it had nothing to do from theoutside. It was coming out of me from the inside. So when I took my firstdrink, it was like a salve. It was like a medicine for a sick person, but before I took my first drink I wasrestless irritable and discontent, as I said, but I was also very lonely. I waslonely in a house where everybody said I love you. I didn't grow up in adysfunctional home. The only dysfunctional person in the home was me. They told me they loved me. I didn'tbelieve him. They told me I was welcome. I didn't believe him. They said if wewere a family. I didn't believe him when Christmas came and every one wasdoing the tree I felt separate. It was always me and the family so that went into school and- and italso showed up in my insecurities and then so. I started to put somereasons why I have insecurities, and one of the reasons I felt that I had insecurities was because everybody in my block in New York and New York isseparated into blocks, okay, neighborhoods, so to speak, andeverybody on my specific block they had by the way just want to. Let yousomething know that I told the people yesterday I'm going to, let you guysknow, but you look like you can handle it. This is kind of the wet section andyou're going to see some stead like I don't know. If you've been a sea worldwith a with the SHAMO, so you're in that section, all right so do the bestyou can. Okay, Chris tuffs gonna BE FLYING OUT WAL. I felt that my problem first of all, was thateverybody on my block had big brothers, the Wagoma, the woollies, the Munnings,the coins. They all had big brothers so when theywould walk over to the playground with big Bro. When you walk to theplayground with big brothers, you have representation, they know that you probably know how toplay sports, and even if you don't, your brothers are backing you up. I hada little chubby system. So when you walk to the playground witha little chubby sister, you get no juice in my neighbor, you get no juice,no boy's, like Oh there's, Stevie and there's the guy there's the brotherswith the guy, there's the there's, the boy or skis. No, you get nothing. So I immediately was low self esteem inmy neighborhood and I felt that it was because I had a little sister and notthree big brothers, everybody, my neighbor had three big brothers, so that was like one of my first, thereason I tell you that that was one of my first situations with low self asteam and then a new coach came into the school. It's all by the way. I knowsome of the stuff you can say is this true. Everything in my story is mystory and that's, what's so incredible about the way that it was to what itwas like and how it's like. Now. This is my story. Each of US having a storyto gentmen that I mentioned early. Their stories happen over forty yearsago, praise God, if you're here today for the first day, you're alreadyliving in your next story, if today's Day, one you're all alreadycreating your story, you're already in the what it's like now part from one day to where you can get toforty four years and get to my grand sponsor his name is Don. He has fiftythree years. My sponsor Russell spats has a fortyyears in this sobriety in a couple months.I'll have twenty years, praise God, but the person that came in here todaythat has one day you're already living in it's not you're, already passed thethe terror of not coming in, and so when the coach came to school,he picked up the roster and he looked and it was brand new and he saidBoyarski. He got to my last name Boyarski and he said Steve Boyarskisaid yes coach, he said: Does your brother play for the PittsburghPanthers? Now this a very easy answer? If youdon't have a brother, you know saying number two: If your brother doesn'tplay for the Pittsburgh Panthers, it's another very, very easy answer, but Isaw my whole life to change right there that I said yes coach. He does because I wanted so much to be somebodyelse that I was willing to go through...

...the ridicule of my close friends thatknew that my step brother was a plumber from Massachusetts and not playing onthe on the Pittsburgh panter. I did not care. This was a way out of being me,my whole life. I've been looking out a way out of being me. Some of you in here do not relate towhat I'm saying, because you are very comfortable being you and good for you.I have never been comfortable being me or by the way she liked to shirt.That's the name of the group, for you guys ever want to know the name of thegroup. No perfect people, that's the name of this group right. You See, I wore a shirt. You didn'teven comment on it. I brought a shirt up to your meeting with you. That'sfine. I've always wanted to fit in, and atthat moment I had a brother that played for the Pittsburgh Panthers. Eventhough Jerry Boyarski who's, a real person, is not my brother. I started buying jerseys. I startedclipping newspapers when he was drafted into the N fl. Itwas one of the greatest days of my life, my parents, they didn't understand thereason I was wearing the jerseys and all that is that I was telling peoplein school that Jerry boy ask you is, it doesn't say Jerry Boy Arskin, it justsays: Boyars Gona. They just thought. I was a fan because of the name theydidn't know. I was telling everybody in the school that he was my brother. Ialways wanted to be somebody different because of the low feelings of of thelower self esteem feelings, and I know some of you guys can relateto that. There's the toughest kid on my block.His name is Kevin and I always wanted to hang with Kevin and he was the toughest guy. He was ayear older. Everybody feared him and I wanted to hang out with him and I had something that nobody else in theneighborhood had a thirty five. Forty years ago we had guns. I know thatthat's very common in this area I saw there's a lot of shooting animals goingon. My friend Brian has got big heads coming off for wall in his house like aMoose or or a Z. Bri thing it's a lot of, but but where I'm from in New Yorkthere's not a lot of shooting going on in my little neighborhood and there'snot a lot of guns. Okay, you have to have a lot of permits, but my dad was aCorean war, veteran, a hero that a Ford on Pork Chop Hill and we had guns, andnone of the other kids in the neighbourhood had guns, and I was toldnever to touch the guns unless my parents were there for supervision. Butat this specific day I was twelve years old and my mother had a terribleaccident and my dad was at a funeral for one of my family members and I wasalone in the house with my nine year old sister and I knew I had access tothe guns and if there weren't in a safe and I went to Kevin's house- and I said,would you want to come out and hang out with me? Then he said why and I said, because Ihave guns and we can blow stuff up and he said yes and he came out and he was hanging out.We hung out and we were just blowing up. Cans like kids do shooting at birds likekids do and he got poured, and I saw him leaving and as I was watching him leave, I wasfeeling like. Please don't leave. I did I couldn't say that, of course youcan't say that so I said, listen, don't leave, he says I'm leaving, I said youcould shoot at me see I was I so didn't want to be alone,and I so did not want to be left in my own feelings and my own skin that I waswilling to have him shoot at me and we played and it's not like, Iwasn't shooting at him too. I was shooting at him, but he didn't get thegame. The game was to shoot next to each other. He shot one shot and a onein a million shot, came in and blew off, blew up my eye and I'm twelve years old and I'm thekid that lost his eye to a Appellat gun situation and now I'm in surgeries for entireyear now. My feelings are feeling different, now they're, compounded bythe kid that has one eye the kid that the parents, when they see me, I toldyou don't play with gun, that's the kid and then a year out of school and then feeling different than puttingbeam being put on drugs. For the pain for the surgeries for the, for I was a one of the first kids to get one of thefirst young people to get laser surgery back thirty forty years ago, and andand now more feelings are feeling different. Now, when I take my firstdrink, which was an answer to a problem that I had inside, I took my firstglass of wine and that wine worked that wine worked. I wasn't the kid withthe one eye. I wasn't the kid that didn't have any big brothers. I wasn'tthe kid that felt different, because I was a Tan with a with a Jewish lastname or Russian lastname. I always felt...

...whacked. I always felt different, butwhen I had a glass of wine I didn't raise hand. If you understand I'msaying yeah alcohol, alcohol, it's the Great Elixir. It makes youfeel like everything's, going to be okay, it's the rapacious creditor as one ofour books said it takes and it takes and it takes- and it only appears togive back so I'm fifteen, I'm sixteen andSeventeen I'm drinking is no big deal in doing some other stuff. Obviously,I'm a I'm a product of the S and S A S and in New York s and s, as is otherstuff, that's alcohol and other stuff. And it's and I go and I get off tocollege and I'm doing alcohol and other stuff and not a big deal, not a line, alot of problems and then I go home and I see my grandfather John Cas gone andthese he's a full blood of Titan right out of the movies and were sitting atSunny Sunday dinner, I'm coming in from college and he's reading the paper andthat's what we did back. Then they read the paper at the table. I don't knowyou know what I'm talking about reading the paper was a big deal at the table and my grandfather J c. He picks up thepaper and he looks at the article and it wasduring the time of a movie called New Jack City, and he said Stevie you see this, don't you ever try this substance? Ifyou try this substance, you'll become instantly addicted. I'd never triedthat substance. When he said don't try that substance, I said no GRANDPA wouldnever try that substance. I took that paper. I went into the middle of NewYork City like a paper boy I was like. Has Anybody seen this substance? Where can I get this substance and everything changed I became. I went from a social user toa kid that was underneath the stairs in his fraternity house and stay there fora semester. I was a kid that was dibbling anddabling into ante. I became a kid that was completely and utterly changed fromthe inside out. It was no more that alcohol was the great fixer it was now.I was totally addicted to a substance that was actually had changed me as aperson from the inside out for bad things. It was no more than it was. You knowbecause alcohol is fun and then alcohol is fun with problems and then alcoholis problems. You know the only thing that I couldsay about drugs is different than alcohol. Is it skips a lot of thedifferent parts? It just goes from fun to problem pretty quickly. That's theonly difference. It's just it's just it's just a faster acting alcohol isreally what it is. So I in one summer I became likecompletely addicted and then I went. I was on my way hometo tell my parents that I was completely addicted and and but I ran out of money, so that's when I knew I had a problemwhen I ran out of money. When I had money I didn't know, I had a problemwhen I ran out of money. I'm like this is a serious problem, and so because I was in a rural area ofPennsylvania- and there was a lot of deer- I didn't see. Any deer here is thisdear season? Is there a lot of deer yeah there's a lot o deer in where Iwent to school in Pennsylvania is the same type of aries in the woods andthere's a lot of deer, and I did hit a deer. That's true. I did hit a deer andand when I ran out of money I called up my parents- and I said this- I I'm inthe middle of I used to work at one of those resorts that you see like thedirty dancing resorts where the people would go and you stayed for the week. Iwas a waiter that waited on them for the week and at the end of the week youget the tips and I and I got into a car, I got into a deer accident and itwrecked the side of my car. Now we're not familiar with dear, where I'm from so I call my parents. I said I wreck mycar. You got to send some money up, otherwise, I'm going to lose thisamazing job and I'm working all all this all this time to get this moneyfrom these families and my parents, they sent Western Union money for thecar for the dear accident so that that kept me going for a couplemonths. Every week I was hitting a deer every week. Okay, I took out if I were to hit asmany dears I claimed to hit. I would be in the newspaper I would add. Everyweek I was calling home what I hit an what, when I finally came home to tell myparents that I would needed a drug rehab. My mother was like thank theLord. We thought you were an imbecile. We thought you were more on. I had never met anyone to end. I nevermet anyone that went to alcohol or Jebri. Have that was not popular backthirty years with it's not a it's, not a thing that everybody did so my parents called another person.They knew about a place that was in the middle of the United States inMinnesota called Hazel in for young people. I was twenty one, my dad wass a kind of a big shot. Hewas he was. He was an organized...

...gambling. My mother was just leaving a leave itlike that. My mother was a professional. She wasone of the first women chiropractice in the state of New York. She was, she wasa big deal. She was a big deal doctor. My uncle was a big deal doctor. My Dadwas a in a type of an organization, and- and- and here I am I'm addicted, and so they call up the center. Wedon't have insurance. My Dad gives me a check. I go out to the center before Igo out to the center. My mom makes me watch on a vahs tape. Twenty eight, youknow she makes me watch clean and sober with Michael Keaton. She goes. This iswhere you're going. I watch the movie. It seems like it's going to be fun. There's a there's like a lake situation.There's milk shakes there's a romance, there's a dance. It's February seventh and they send me out to Minnesota. Ihad never been west of Pennsylvania. I didn't know anything westernPennsylvania. I know that sounds ignorant and yes, it is, but I onlyknew three states. I knew New York new, Jo, I know four states, New York, NewJersey, Pennsylvania and the and one of the boroughs of New York, which isFlorida, so I knew those four states and every time I went down to Florida,we I wore the same thing. I wore a Guinea tea which is like a cut offItalian type of T, shirt, five gold chains, a lot of hair, jell and and andand some balloon pants, like muscle, balloon pants, that's what we wore back,then! So that's what I packed for rea now I don't know if you understandanything about Minnesota in February. It's not Florida, like I was used toMinnesota weather, is something that you have to experience it to reallyunderstand. If you've seen the movie Fargo, you understand what I'm talkingabout. So I arrive in balloon pants, which are basically pajamas for peoplethat go to the gym, and I have my Guinea tea on my full five gold change,my hair jail and, and I'm like Whoa, you get off the plane and you getsmacked in the face with cold that you've never experienced it's reallyshocking and, and they whisked me off to thistreatment center and I get inside the tree. Mister, that's where I see thesteps. I see the word alcohol first time in my life I see the wordalcohol. It says we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had becomeunmanageable. I wasn't there for alcohol. I just turned twenty one. Iwas not there for alcohol. I was there for another substance. I said to theGUY which I've I had been to a lot of hotels, because my dad is a big shot,so I thought it was like concirn. I said. Excuse me, I'm not here for theno alcohol part of the program, I'm here for the other substance, part ofthe program and the Guy said. Well, we don't drink here. I say I understand wedon't that's obvious, we're not going to drink in the drug where you haveokay, but I'm going to drink. When I get out, I'm not here to not to learnhow to not drink. I didn't even I didn't even really get into the swingof drinking. I just turned twenty one and, and the Guy said: listen. Youcould leave now, I'm from New York, okay, so in New York, when something'snot going our way, we just raise it up an octave. So I said: Listen, I'm aboutto leave. He said. Well, you can leave. I said no!No! Maybe he didn't understand me, I'm about to take my twenty five thousanddollar check from Stan Boyarski and I'm about to leave that he wasn't impressed.I was not the first one to be gangster that he ever met. Okay, so I pick up mythree piece matching goochy luggage to leave and I realized why he was not nervousfor me to leave. There was a snow drift that had just completely closed thelodge like the shining and nobody was leaving there and the reason I tell that story, it'scomical, but the reason I tell the stories, that's how I came toalcoholics, anonymous, whether your wife ordered or husband, ordered orpolice, ordered, or if it's just so cold, you cannot go outside. It doesn't matter you're here and you're off the hook and you never have to drink again, nomatter what, even if you want to you, have arrived, we when people come in, we say welcomehome, because there is an answer. There'sthis. There is a solution to our problem and the problem is not alcohol.The problem is the reason we drank alcohol and alcoholics. Anonymous willaddress that because Alcoholics Animus is going to point you to a god of yourunderstanding which is going to heal you from the inside, so that when youwant to drink you're going to have a power greater than yourself, that'sgoing to help you not to drink, because the drinking was the problem to beginwith, and it's going to fix the problem that made you drink to begin with that amazing, I thought this was aboutdrinking it wasn't about drinking. is about my thinking that lack of power ismy dilemma. I don't have any power so I drink, and then I think that's theanswer and then I become addicted to...

...that subject, but that was never theanswer. To begin with, because I was a waco before I ever started drinking, Itold a guy to shoot me before drinking. I'm glad you find that a set funny.It's a very weird crowd, is at Washington people. So here I am and I'm sober because it'sfreezing out and I'm wholly unprepared for the outfit, and I stayed over about four months. Itthought out- and I was going to. I was just going to go back to drinking andmy parents joined this amazing program called Alan on and they learned allthese credible things like tough love situations and they wouldn't. Let mecome home and I stayed over about eighteen monthsand I didn't work the steps and I didn't have a sponsor. I had a sponsor,I a sponsor, but it was because he had a car, but I really didn't work thesteps and and of course, when I came incontact with my drug of choice, while I was in Minneapolis we first time.Someone said to me: I heard you in the program and I said I am, and they saidwell, I have a problem with and they mentioned my specific substance that Iwas addicted to and then it was off to the races for me and I threw thateighteen months out the window because I didn't have any roots. If you don'thave any roots and something comes a big wind comes or rain comes orsnowstorm comes, you don't have any roops you now the roots are going toget pulled up and I didn't have any roots. I hadn't worked the steps Iwasn't doing service. I was doing surface service and anything that couldI can show up in the front of. If I can be in the front and look good I'll dothe service I I some girls are coming in. I do service, but I had no roots,so I relapsed and now I relapsed in a foreign city that was foreign to me inreal city, not college, and now I'm in a city we trying to get my drug achoice in some really bad parts of town of Minneapolis and it was really bad.And then I went to a d I push. I got back on the elevator and I pushed itdown button down because you can always go lower. You can always go lower, so I got inthe ELEVATA and I went lower and some yet that I would I said, it'll neverhappen to me. They happened to me and I went lower and I can't get into every story thathappened out there, because some are really really dramatic and tragic, butit was. It was dramatic enough to shock me back into the program. People Wissy,don't mention o not too much because you're going to scare people out of eprogramming where you where the people going to go. This is the answer to our problem.Where the people going to go. Without this we are going to we'regoing to die. We're going to perish, we people are dying every single second,this is our answer. Were I understand people are finding, but where we goingto go, this is it. This is a solution. So I was offended so I left and thenI'll call kick my button. I came back in and then I walked in my tail perture mylegs. I said you guys were right. I can't do this and then because they were, they wereold. Timers series whole time is clancy and some of those guys who had the privilege of knowing Smitty, Dr Bob Son, a had the privilegeof getting to know with my wife Jerry Bear Peter Marinelli. They were very lovingto me. They said, shut up, sit down. We have no interest in hearing anythingabout you because you have no answer to any of the questions we have to ancewas a different time very loving. During those days it was called the about you movement. Idon't know if you heard about it and they didn't want to hear anything aboutme. That's what I'm saying, and so I sat down and I listened, and they toldme about a God that I didn't understand and then and then I wanted you to knowthat water seeks its own level. So you haveto be careful who you're following alcoholics anonymous. You have to becareful who you follow. Okay, my sponsor that I picked was adegenerate. Like me, when I found out the guy went to strip clubs and hewould carry you know and were like that type of Guy I'm like you're perfect.You I want you to be my sponsor when, in the middle of my fifth step, we leftand went to a strip cut, that's the type of guy that I asked to be mysponsor, so it didn't work obviously didn't work, and I went. I eventually got a guy bythe name of Jerry. Bear he's incredible. Amazing Man. With years and years ofsobriety and Jerry said to me, Stevie, I'm not impressed with you. He said the disease of alcoholism isnot like a flat footed cop that walks around the streets of New York with adoughnut in one hand, and a cup of coffee in the other. The disease ofalcoholism is like a secret service agent that walks around the rooms ofalcoholic that walks around the rooms of alcoholics anonymous unnoticed. Thatknows how to use six different weapons. That knows how to speak. Ten differentlanguages, if you have any respect for your sobriety, better, have that muchmore respect for the disease of alcoholism. So listen up. This iswarfare every day, you're going to get on your knees and you're going to askGod to keep you clean and sober. If I invited you over my house and you andyou came over my house and you sat at my dinner table and you took the foodand you didn't say please for the Food and you got up from the table and youleft the house and you didn't say thank...

...you for the food. Do you think I'd everinvite you back again? I said no jerry, he said so. Why would you be in God'sworld one day sober without asking please in the morning and saying thankyou at night, and I got that I understood to be saying I was showingno respect to the to. I was showing no respect to God. I wasn't saying please in the morning-and I wasn't thinking about- I was taking it for granted. This is not something to take forgranted. I guarantee the old time is out of here for night. They don't takethings for grant. You know, I know that they have a home group on Monday nights,that they don't miss except they're at another meeting tonight, so they'restill not missing forty two years and forty four years. They understand howserious this thing is. This is not a disease that goes away until we getlaid out and I started to have some respectstart a pray on my knees to a God that I didn't know to a God that Iunderstand, but my sponsor said they did it, so I did do it and I did it and then about thirty days into mysobriety. No, no, I'm sorry! I apologise you got.I got ahead of myself, but that's a good story, but night now and then I stayed sober about fiveyears, but I didn't work the steps. I worked a couple steps and nothingreally seriously. I was kind of like a step like a taster of the steps instead of ainstead of a digesting the steps and I got sicker and I got sicker and Igot sicker. I just wanted the reason I asked you to stand up if you're aperson that wants a sponsor somebody is. I just really think it's important thatwe work the steps, because if we leave here the same people we came in herewe're going to go back to drinking again or it's going to be a miserablelife or we just going to be hanging in there. You know if I bring a car to agarage and the car stays in the garage for six years and nobody works on it.It's still broken, and so it doesn't matter the length of time and sobrietyyou have. If you don't do the inside job, if you don't, do it very thoroughsix and seven you're going to get sick and sick and sick, and so I was gettingsicker and sicker. I wasn't asking God to remove my defects, ive character,because I, like my defects, if character, because anger is acomforting thing to me. I like the ability that, if I don't like what yousay to hit you, I liked that I thought that was something cool about me. Itwasn't cool at all. It got me sicker and Sicker, and I hadthis restless, irritable and discontent feeling again, because alcohol is notmy problem. You think, after five years of sobriety and being twenty eightyears old, that I would have been better. You can't be better unless youfix the problem. Alcohol is not my problem, it's the reason I drink theproblem. I it's the antidote to why I used, and so I became sicker and then the Godsize hold, became bigger and bigger, and I was putting everything inside theGod: Size, halls, steroids and muscles, and money and Nice cars, girls, and then I saw the one that would fixeverything. I saw the one that was going to fix everything and I worked inthis mole and this mule had a circus that went on every day of the week andit was a real circus and there was elephants in the Circus and tigers inthe circus and the most beautiful show girl that I ever saw and she was on anelephant and she came in with these beautifulfeathers and I was- and I was sick and I said if I could get that girl, I'mgoing to be well and she's going to fix my problem and that's going to fix myproblem and I got the girl and it didn't fix my problem and so we're on our honeymoon and I'mtrying to get her to drink and she's. Not Drinking she's sober she's notgoing to drink, but I just think that if she drank our marriage would bebetter we're only married a day and she's not drinking, and I get as I get his tickets toEmerald. LAGASSE's new restaurant fancy, restaurant New Orleans. She doesn't know about New Orleansshe's from the country of Columbia. She doesn't know that. There's a lot ofdrinking and a lot of nudity going on in New Orleans. I don't tell her. Itell her it's about jazz, so wearing emerald, lagasse's, newrestaurant and in the now you guys are all going to know what this is, becauseyou guys are from wine country. So the a lot of times when I go around andtalk in different states. They don't know what I'm talking about, but youguys will get this in a second and in the table next to me, while I'm on myhoneymoon supposed to be looking at my wife, but we have too manyconversations going on the table because I have alcoholism completely.On top of me and I'm thinking about her and I'm thinking about me and I'mthinking about what a good cat she got and it's like a conversation ofmultiple voices going on and then there's a people at the table and theypoured wine in a decanter and nobody's drinking it. I never seen that. I never seen that. So I call over thefood server and I say behind the menu what's going on next to me, and she said those people are drinkingfine wine that needs to breathe. First, I was like what...

...these fine wine that needs to breathe.First, I went right from man, Dog, two thousand and twenty two hard drugs. Imiss fine wine that needs to breathe first, if I would have stopped there, Iwouldn't need to be in a a and at that moment I I I lost my willingness to be powerless oralcohol, and I became powerful over fine wineand find things like that in my mind and if you're here today and you don'tbelieve that you're, powerless or Alco you're going to drink again, if youthink that you have power over alcohol and you but firmly believe that insideunfortunately, I'm Goin t tell Y- U H, unfortunately, you're going to have togo out and try some control drink, and I don't want anyone to do that. Ibecame powerless over this substance that I never tried, which was fine wineand I believe for the next two years. For my fifth year to my seventh yearthat I could drink sociably like a gentleman as long as I didn't crossover to hard liquors or to drugs, and I picked up my seven year-medallion and Alcolic- I was thirty years old. I was happily married tothis beautiful wife, but I wasn't happily married to the beautiful wifeCaud. How can I be married happily married to the beautiful wife? If I'mnot happy about me and I went out and I went and I lookedfor fine wine in this city wouldn't be hard, theentire city's wine, but where I'm from in south Florida,you have to know where to look for fine wine, and I couldn't find it so. Iordered Japanese rice wine in a box and that's as fine as it ever got two dollars and fifty cents later Ilost seven years of sobriety and of course, that didn't work becausebecause the God size hold that I had in me was not going to be fixed with finewine. Japanese wine, any crack, cocaine or any other substance was not going tofix the problem. I hadn't side me because what I had was a lack of power.That was my dilemma problem and I needed to put inside this God size holewhat it was intended for, which was God so the Japanese rice wine didn't workand then the pills didn't work and then other substances didn't work and Istill went to a on pills. I went to Anne pills because I felt aslong as I wasn't drinking I was allowed to be in a and so I'm slurring my wordsin a a go to my home Gooba. Only people I knew were in a can, you imagine not going to a sober,I can. It was horrible, it was horrible and I was the last toknow and every Thursday I'd pick up a chipand I get through the week and it got worse and worse and worse and mybeautiful new wife had to leave because for her own sanity she had to lead backto her country of Columbia because I destroyed our new home. I destroyed ourfinances. I destroyed our marriage. She would wait up all night waiting for meto come home. I wouldn't come home because alcohol told me where I wasgoing to go that night and alcohol did not tell me to go home to my new wife.Algol told me where to go and it was my master and if you understand what I'm sayingyou're in the right place, alcohol is my master. When I ingested in my system,I'm not powerless of alcohol unless I ingested, unfortunately, I'm powerfulnot to injest it. Unless I change and how am I going to change, I'm goingto have a personal relationship with God of my understanding and I'm goingto work, the steps and some of my character, defects, I'm going to giveto him immediately and then other ones I'm going to be willing to have himtake along the way and that's what happened. I wascompletely miserable and she put me out of the House. She joined this secretprogramme, like my parents did twenty years earlier called Alenan. It's like this group of terrorists basically, and they gave her all thistype of terrorist language that she didn't cause it. She can't cure it and another sea that was not verywelcoming to me and you can control it and she put me out of the House and sheshowed me with a restraining order and I had to go to a half way house whichwas not my choice. The Guy came to the psychiatric hospital that I was in andhe said. Would you like to come to my half way house? I said I own a fullhouse in Hollywood. He said well, this is a restrainingorder, you're not going back home, and I said please tell me about youramenities and I wound up going to this half wayhouse and I started praying on my knees. Like my sponsor said, and I startedthanking him at night on my knees. Like my sponsor said, and about thirty daysinto my sobriety, I got I thought you know what maybe maybe I m. maybe I overthought this thing. Maybe I didn't have such a big problem. Maybe I could useone more time that mind you. I lost my wife. I signedaway my house. I gave away my sobriety, I'm in a half way house with peoplethat are not my family, that with men with stinky feet and I'm I'm completelymiserable, but maybe I have one more use in me and I came up with this idea. I wasgoing and and but I didn't have any money. I appreciate people that go onruns with no money. I think you guys are the people that do that my hand, Rois off to you, but I need to have some money if I'm going to go drink sobecause I didn't have any money because I didn't have any jobbecause, I didn'thave a wallet because I didn't have...

...anything my wife had give, because Iwas a bum. My wife gave me a card, a money card and I called my wife up andI said: could you give me a hundred ninety nine dollars on the money cardso that I can get this special phone that calls the California it? But youknow the alcoholic, a madness, but she had joined Alenan. I didn'tknow she never asked my permission, so she tells me to hold on. She calls hersponsor and a sponsor says, give the bum the money and they set me up. They set me up and she puts a hundredand ninety nine dollars on my card and I'm only thirty days sober and I run to the to this sprint storeto buy a phone so that I can call my wife so that she knows that I'm at ameeting, so she doesn't call a half way house owner and I got this whole thingset up and I think I've developed some type of junkie super power where Icould use for a couple hours, take a shower brush my teeth and when theother people from the house come in, I go hey. How is your day- and I don'ttell anybody- and this is what God does for me because God always shows up even whenI'm not prepared, and I run to the sprint store- and Isay to the Guy Behind the counter: I need to have the cheapest cell phone.You have, and I need to be out of here in fifteen minutes and the guy behindthe cell phone camera, the cell phone, they say car, I'm sorry cell phonestore, says Stevie be welcome back. I saw you yesterday atthe victory. A meeting. We've missed you and the guy behind the countersfrom Aa, and God does for me what I can't do formyself and step to into it was like step to I wi'm, not saying it wouldstep to like in neon lights, but step too came to believe that a powergreater than myself could restore me insanity. It's doing different thingsdifferently and different things happen, and then you go wow, that's gone. My wife- and I were here in June inWashington, Seattle, Washington, on our way toAlaska. During Ovid we stuck out of the state. Nobody knew we didn't even tellanybody we got on a plane, we came to Washington, we went to Packwood, wedidn't tell anybody, people thought we were just at home quarantining and weflew in Cognito to Alaska. When we came back, we wanted to do allthe things in Seattle that you guys have to offer. We wanted to go to theneedle and the two Luly, whatever the guy's name is famousartist glass place and we wanted to see the pikes market and we wanted to doall this stuff right, but it was closed. You guys take coved very seriously, andI respect that my hat's off to you I'm in Florida. We don't do much when I got here. The whole state wasclosed. You know how God amazing is. I spoke ata meeting a couple months ago in middle of Florida, that's away from my house,and I got to meet these incredible people that just happened to bevisiting from from Woodinville in Florida. At the same time, in a daymeeting I got to meet these meg incredible men and they said, would youcome and share your story? In Washington, I knew it was Washingtonstate. I was just telling a little joke earlier and I got to come back to speakto people in Wooden Ville and do all the things I couldn't do in June, andI'm not a world traveler. It wasn't like. I was going to come to a statetwice in the farthest state in the whole world from Miami. That's what God does he shows off. He Puts Cherries on theSunday. He wants to wow us in a a there's, two different camps orthe people that are just hanging in there and there the people that get howincredible this thing that really have we seen a person fell, who is following,was thoroughly followed. Our Path. When you thoroughly follow the bat you getwhat those men got, I want what they have and I'm willingto go to any way to get it. So when they say, would you like to fly up toI'm like? Yes, the the people when they met me in the middle of Florida? It wason a Thursday who drives four hours to an a meeting on a Thursday at sixo'clock. We do- and you know what I got out of that. I don't even do we getdinner, we got a dinner, we did get dinner, we did get a dinner, I get so much more though, and so I'm one year so ver, I'm twoyears sober, I'm like eight years over nine years so or ten years sober and mywife and I we want to have a baby and she's the love of my life, and wewant to have a baby and we're in our forties and we build a baby room in thehouse and but we can't get pregnant. So we go to a clinic and- and we doeverything that you can do in a clinic and then and that doesn't work and thenwe have eggs donated and that doesn't work. And then we hire a surrogate thatalmost always works, that's their job, it didn't work and we have no baby and then we getpregnant and we're walking around on cloud nine and we're, like you know,going to meetings and I'm like we'ree...

...pregnant and it's the greatest time inour life and we simpey dod dogs just great and and we go to the clinic andwe lost the baby and I'm devastated I'm devastatedbecause by now I'm in Ministry, I'm sponsoring six semen, guys I'm takingmeetings for free and to treatment centers every single night of the week.I'm doing all everything that I'm supposed to I've changed my life. I'veworked a six step. I've worked a seven step, I'm asking God to remove thesedefects of character. I'm not cursing I'm doing everything. That's Anti NewYork, I'm going out of my way, I'm doing everything, that's anti me and we still lose the baby and a well meaning person. Analcoholics. Anonymous tells US- and I understand his well meaning- and hetells us that God only gives you what you can handle and that's the wrongthing to say, because you don't want to hear that. God just gave you a babydying, but then another person in alcoholicsanonyms, because alcoholics anonymous fills, is filled with wise peoplebeyond their years. Said bad things happen, and God will give you thestrength to get through it and just pray for the acceptance ofGod's will and that's the fact, because bad things happen, people are going todie that you wouldn't believe that the best people die and God will give you astrength to get through it and our baby died and God gave us a straigt to getthrough it. And that night my wife was at Alleno and I was at my meeting and Icried for as long as I needed to cry and she cried for as long as she neededto cry and alcoholics anonymous held my arms and they hugged me until I stoppedcrying whatever diamond that was and Alano a huge turn, of course were alsomembers of a church and they hugged us on Sundays and whenever we would gothere and we got a community around his hugging us, but we were crying and wewere broken and we just couldn't get have a baby and then we get into anadoption agency and we pay the money to be in an adoption agency. And then wegot asked to leave the adoption agency because in my first sobriety before wewere married, I was arrested for solicitation and if you know what thatmeans, it's not a good thing. You don't want to have solicitation on yourrecord. That means you try to pick up somebody. That's not your wife and we got asked to leave the adoptione see and now we can have a baby. And now wecan adopt- and I you know in alcohol can amas- isamazing, because there's so many people that have expertise we have firemen inhere we have doctors, we have lawyers, we have adoption, we have money, people,I wouldn't recommend. You know asking that many people for relationshipadvice, but we have experts in alcoholics anonymous. That are amazing,and I called up this Guy Happy Bob that used to be this very powerful attorneyin south Florida before you got quit with three kilos, and I said Bob: Doyou know if there's anybody that can help us get a baby to find an adoptedbaby? And I know there's an adoption guy in here. I love. I love that shirt,I'm totally with you and we're adoption people to and and and he tells me about-a Jewish woman in Boka a named Mindy and I just get the reason I mentioned areligion I'll tell you why, because by this time, in our tenth years in mytenth year sobriety I'm like Super Christian, I got bumper stickers, tshirts, banners, statues and, and I'm like the over the top guy. You know theguy the appoint that and I'm going to have this Jewish person. That's goingto come in the house, and I said to my wife: Should we take giant Jesus down? Okay, because giant Jesus is not goingto be good. If this is our one shot? If this is our one shot giant Jesus, let'sjust put him in the closet. Just for this little five minutes here, okay and my wife is so wise. My wife says we're not going to changewho we are. If God wants us to have the baby we're not going, I pretend who are notshe's, so wise and mindy comes in and she and she says,do you think God gave you another shot, and I said I know he did and she said so. How could I not giveyou another son and she sighs off on the home study andwe get approved, and I and my friend will tell you that that's only nowyou're getting in a long line, a long line, a long line. You got a weightyears, maybe, but God goes to the front of the line and we get a call a month later for a baby. That's up here in the NorthEast by Canada, and we fly out here and- and we see our son on day one and he our sons, tell me mommy. Shesays w. What would you like to name your son and we say we would like to name ourson Joshua, and she says why Joshua and I say because in the Bible inJoshua Twenty four fifteen says for me and my house, we choose to serve theLord and she says: Well, I'm not religious. I said. Oh I'm just want tolet you know your son's going to grow up in a godly home and two weeks later we take Joshua hometo our house and there's people from alcoholics anonymous on our lawn withsigns welcome home. They had been taken care of our house, they've been takingcare of our dogs and that people of alcoholics anonymous showed up, andpeople of Alcoholics and Amas gave us our first baby shower and they showedme how to be a dad and they showed my mom and my wife how to be a mom, notthat she didn't know how to be a mom. But we were older and we hadn't beenaround kids for like for centuries and...

...then the alcoholics anonymous camearound me and I don't and I go to six seven meetings a week, so my josh ourJoshua, would come to meetings with me. Our Josh would go to conventions. Iwould speak at conventions he'd be on in the sack we'd be like speaking. Agot. A and J J grew up in alcoholicsanonymous and what I want to tell you is that when he was nine months- and some of you guys remembered thestory from yesterday when he was nine months, he sprung out with the mostbeautiful red hair and the reason he sprung out with themost beautiful red hairs because God loves to show off and my mom my mom hasthe most beautiful red hair. It just happens to be the exact color and theexact flow of my son's hair. So when my momgoes to pick up Joshua at the at the day, care they're, like Oh miss, bore,O comer in Josh was ready when Sandy and I go to pick up our son, we have togive three forms of ID. She got his always just he's going theextra mile and and he's looking the while us, andthis trip is an example of that I got to meet. The pastor of this church isincredible. Man I got to meet his beautiful wife. I got to meet theirfriends. I got to meet my new really really close friend, who had just metRyan, because you can meet people on Alcohol Tanoma. They could be yourfriends for the rest of Your Life Caris here to night. Oh, my goodness, I'm sosorry to me to break your an anonymity. I get to meet people in this area thatI would have never met if it wasn't for God and alcoholics anonymous, and Ijust want to tell you one more story. You know there's people that are settling forthe crutons of at Baa, the see God is going to give ussobriety. If, if we ask for it, he wants to give us sobriety, but somepeople will stop right. There they'll just stop at sober they'll, stop atsober like when we had buffets before Ovid, there's, there's a salad andthere's crutons, and then there's a prime rib and there's crack crab andthen there's fresh salmon and there's there's everything on the buffet andpeople that are willing to just settle with sober they stop at Crouton, and then they grab the Croton andthey're sitting in their chair and they're eating their Croton and itsfood. Don't get me wrong, it's food and it's and it's good and sobriety is good,and if it's just a cut time, you want that's Grea, you can stay at Coton, butone take. God wants to give us so much more. What he's given us over the lastnineteen, it's going to be twenty years in Jenny. What he's given us is a pieceof mind and understanding that he's going to take care of us, no matterwhat, even when everything's going wrong in that area. Everything's goingto go right in this area that he's got a plan and he's got a purpose and I wasable to because of my relationship with God. I was able to start a programcalled J C's House in South Florida. It's the only faith based program ofits type and South Ford, because it's not popular to have anything faithbased and south for, and so we got to start a program called J C's House, my wife's starter, aprogram called the Grace House and we get to do this full time. Full timehelp people not to die. I Tell Ya: Some people choose to die and over the last four or five years wewent to over a hundred funerals e. We have a totally treatable disease,it's totally true, but one hundred percent of the time really have we seena person. Fellow is thoroughly followed our path. Those gentlemen will tell you. The Path is the path of God. It's onehundred percent works one hundred percent of the time, and I have to tell you some I'm a very,very, very satisfied. Customer Alcoholics, Animas Alenan, ourrelationship with God. That's we have our house is full. We have a full house.We only have one son praise got to be ten this week. It's amazing situate.You know how how excited we are about Casha, but our house is full because wehave people in a a in our house and we people on now in our house. We have gotin our house, we have phone calls coming in and if you're, in a placewhere you are bored in a a it's just because you're, not sponsoring any Godwho you're not doing enough to just get out he's so much work to do it's so fun,it's so fulfilling it takes care of mental ills. Obviously you see, Ishould be on five or six different medications, but I'm not I'm not onfive or six medications, because this is my medication. Today I started outon my knees and when I go home to night God willing I'll have another sober day.I'll finish on my knees, God bless you guys. Thank you so much. I.

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