AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Stevie B at the No Perfect People AA group, Woodinville , WA 4/18/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Stevie B. at the No perfect people AA group, Woodinville , WA 4/18/2021

How you doing, everybody? My name is Stevie be I'm recovering alcoholic and I'm a member of the Golden Text Group in Dania Beach, Florida's great to be here with you guys tonight. I just want to ask you to do one thing. If you are willing to be a sponsor, if you've worked the twelve steps and you're willing to be a sponsor. It's just something I'm throwing out. That's not the Group A requirement that, but I'm just asking if you've worked the twelve steps and you willn't beat a sponsor, will you please stand up, if you guys, if you can just stay standing, okay, and if you, if if you're willing to be a sponsor, stay standing. Okay. What you are and if you don't have a sponsor today, I'm not going to ask you to stand up if you don't have a sponsor, but I'm going to ask you to look around, because today you can leave with a sponsor and these are the people that you can leave with. Men with the men, I would I would suggest, and women with the women, okay. Otherwise that's a different type of sponsorship. Probably want a different meaning okay, thank you guys so much. Thank you very much. So, as I said, I'm from south Florida and someone very, very kindly told they put out that I was from South Beach, which is so much cooler. I know you guys don't know that, but South beach is like speedos and and the bathing tooth that go, what's that called? Hang when they go up to butt the BA? That that's South Beach. Okay, and that's like Versachi's mansion and Ferrari's and Lamborghini's. And then I'm north of that. I'm in Dania. None of that. Okay, we have to wear full bathing suits. So, but I'm really, really excited to be here tonight because my message is a specific message about someone that was completely lost to the world of drugs and alcohol. And I just want to say three things in the beginning so you don't get offended as the tall goes on. I am going to mention drugs in a general way, of course, knowing that this is alcoholics anonymous, and I'm going to be absolutely cognizant that this is alcoholics anonymous, but I am not a pure alcoholic. I'm a real alcohol okay, so if I said I was peeping out of a window for three days because the Scotch. It's not going to make sense. You know, I'm just that was a so you're going to have to fill in it because you don't want to. I don't want to appear like a Wacko. Okay. Number two is you're going to hear about God, but don't get offended. It's he's all over the big book. The first one or sixty four pages is going to point you directly to God. So I'm going to mention God night. Don't leave. And the other thing is we may go a little over. So if you have to leave at the time that you usually leave, I'm not going to be upset. No one's going to be upset and I'm going to do my very, very best to pack thirty years of information into a thirty men. Do may my very very best. But I do want to say I fluow up here six and a half, almost seven hours to speak here tonight. So if I go a couple minute, don't get upset. You know, it was a long flight. Okay, when I got asked to speak by the trusted term, which I really appreciate it, he asked me if I would like to go to Washington and I was during the election time. I thought that would be very, very cool to see the capital and all that kind of stuff, and then I found out it was Washington state and I'm in like right over Miami, and if you do them, it's far. Okay. So those are the three things. I just want to just get it out of the way. I'm from. I'm I live in Florida, but I'm from New York, and if you know anybody from New York, if you are if you are from the first of all, is there anybody from New York in here? Okay, great, okay, per that's it. One person for the whole place from New York. There's other people from New York with their probably a statute of limitations hasn't run out, so then I raising their hand. So if you're from New York, you know that New York, the northeast, totally different than the northwest. Very people here are nice. We've spent the last two days around Nice people, even when I was doing crazy things on the road, not intending to. There's a lot of different things here. Nice people. No one beeping, they see what's going on, they let you in the lane. Okay, very, very nice people. The northeast is a different type of people. They are they're also waving at you, but in different type of hand signals. And so when we got here today, I would my I said to my wife, I said I'm sorry we got here on Saturday. I said to my wife, this is such a wonderful era to be in and such great alcoholics. Anonymous, I know that. I just meant two old timers here. They coming tonight to the meeting. They usually go to the meeting up the street and they have combination of eighty, over eighty years of sobriety. The two of them their cousins. Yeah, yeah, one of them is for sure named Jim, for sure, and the and the other one, I think for possibly, is Dave. Am I right? Dave and Jim? Yeah, and one of them is cranky and the other ones very, very nice. So you got to be careful. Okay, I wouldn't just approach. Approach with the caution. That's all I'm saying right that. You know, here we go. You See, I'm saying, this is where we go. So it's great to have old timers in here because without the old timers we wouldn't know what to do that the responsibility has been passed on to us. Okay, so my situation is this. I felt less than my entire life. If you were here yesterday in the Church, I'm sorry some of the same talk.

Obviously it's the same person that you're going to hear some of the same stuff. It's the same story, but I felt less than my entire life. I don't have alcoholism because I drank a lot and became an alcoholic. I have alcoholism because I was restless, irritable and discontent and alcohol fixed that for me. It's not the other way around. Alcohol is actually the answer to my problem, not the problem to my answer. When I drank, I immediately felt a sense of relief to the problem that I already had. When the kids in the playground were pushing around the merry ground this way, I pushed it the other way. When they wanted to play kickball, I wanted to play soccer. When they want to play soccer, I wanted to play football. When they were talking to Sally, I wanted to talk to shoosie. I always felt different and it had nothing to do from the outside. It was coming out of me from the inside. So when I took my first drink it was like a salve, it was like a medicine for sick person. But before I took my first drink I was restless, irritable and discontent, as I said, but I was also very lonely. I was lonely in a house where everybody said I love you. I didn't grow up in a dysfunctional home. The only dysfunctional person in the home was me. They told me they love me. I didn't believe them. They told me I was welcome, I didn't believe them. They said we were a family. I didn't believe them. When Christmas came in, everyone was doing the tree. I felt separate. It was always me and the family. So that went into school and and it also showed up in my insecurities and and then. So I started to put some reasons why I have insecurities, and one of the reasons I felt that I had insecurities was because everybody my block in New York, and New York is separated into blocks, okay, neighborhoods, so to speak, and everybody on my specific block they had by the way, I just want to let you something. Know that I told the people yesterday. I'm going to let you guys know, but you look like you can handle it. This is kind of the wet section and you're going to see some stud like, I don't know if you've been a sea world will out with the SHAMU. So you're in that section, all right, so do the best you can. Okay, good stuff is going to be flying out. Well, I felt that my problem, first of all, was that everybody on my block had big brothers. The WAGONMANS, the woollies, the moundingers, the Cohens, they all had big brothers. So when they would walk over to the playground with big but when you walk to the playground with big brothers you have representation. They know that you probably know how to play sports and even if you don't, your brothers are backing you up. I had a little chubby sister. So when you walk to the playground with a little chubby sister, you get no juice. In my neighbor you get no juice. Nobody's like Oh, there Stevie, and there's the guy, there's a brothers with the guy, there's the there's the boy arski's. No, you get nothing. So I immediately was low self esteem. In My neighborhood and I felt that it was because I had a little sister and not three big brothers. Everybody in my neighborhood three big brothers. So that was like one of my first the reason I tell you that that was one of my first situations with low self esteem. And then a new coach came into the school. It's all by the way. I know some of the stuff. Is You going to say? Is this true? Everything in my story is my story and that's what's so incredible about the way that it was, what it was like and how it's like now. This is my story. Each of US happen the story two German that I mentioned earlier. Their stories happened over forty years ago. Praise God. If you're here today for the first day, you're already living in your next story. If today is day one, you're all already creating your story. You're already in what it's like now, part from one day to where you can get to forty four years and get to fill my grand sponsors name is dion. He has fifty three years. My sponsor, Russell spats has a forty years in this sobriety. In a couple months. I'll have twenty years, praise God. But the person that came in here today that has one day. You're already living in it's not you're already past the the terror of not coming in. And so when the coach came to school, he picked up the roster and he looked and it was brand new and he said Boyarsky. He got to my last named Boy Arsky, and he said Steve Boyarsk. I said yes, coach. He said there's your brother played for the Pittsburgh Panthers. Now this is a very easy answer if you don't have a brother, you know saying number two. If your brother doesn't play for the Pittsburgh Panthers, it's another very, very easy answer. But I saw my whole life to change right there that I said yes, coach, he does, because I wanted so...

...much to be somebody else that I was willing to go through the ridicule of my close friends that knew that my stepbrother was a plumber from Massachusetts and not playing on the on the Pittsburgh Pants. I did not care. This was a way out of being me. My whole life I've been looking out a way out of being me. Some of you in here do not relate to what I'm saying, because you are very comfortable being you, and good for you. I have never been comfortable being me or by the way, she liked the shirt. That's the name of the group. For you guys, I want to know the name of the group. No, perfect people. That's the name of this group right. You See, I were shirt. You didn't even comment on it. I brought a shirt up to your meeting with your that's fine. I've always wanted to fit in and at that moment I had a brother that played for the Pittsburgh Panthers. Even though Jerry Boyarsky, who's a real person, it's not my brother, I started buying jerseys, I started clipping newspapers. When he was drafted into the NFL, it was one of the greatest days of my life. My parents, they didn't understand the reason I was wearing the jerseys and all that is that was telling people in school that Jerry Boyarsku because it doesn't say Jerry Boyarsk and it just says boyars gunning. They just thought I was a fan because of the name. They didn't know I was telling everybody in the school that he was my brother. I always wanted to be somebody different because of the low feelings, of the low selfesteem feelings, and I know some of you guys can relate to that. There's the toughest kid on my block. His name is Kevin and I always wanted to hang with Kevin and he was the toughest guy. He was a year older. Everybody feared him and I wanted to hang out with him and I had something that nobody else in the neighborhood had. Thirty, five, forty years ago. We had guns. I know that that's very common in this area. I saw there's a lot of shooting animals going on. My friend Brian has got big heads coming off a wall in his house like a moose or or a zebra. I think it's a lot of shoot but but where I'm from in New York, there's not a lot of shooting going on in my little neighborhood and there's not a lot of guns. Okay, you have to have a lot of permits, but my dad was a Korean War veteran, a hero that Ford on Pork Chop Hill and we had guns and none of the other kids in the neighborhood had guns and I was told never to touch the guns unless my parents were there for supervision. But at this specific day, I was twelve years old and my mother had a terrible accident and my dad was at a funeral for one of my family members and I was alone in the house with my nine year old sister and I knew I had access to the guns and if they weren't in a safe and I went to Kevin's house and I said, would you want to come out and hang out with me? Then he said why? And I said because I have guns and we could blow stuff up, and he said yes and he came out. We and he was hanging at we hung out and we were just blowing up cans like kids do, shooting at birds like kids do, and he got bored and I saw him leaving and I, as I was watching him leave, I was feeling like please, don't leave. I didn't I couldn't say that. Of course you can't say that. So I said, thisten, don't leave. He says I'm leaving. I said you could shoot at me. See I was. I so didn't want to be alone and I so did not want to be left in my own feelings and my own skin that I was willing to have him shoot at me and we play. And it's not like I wasn't shooting at him too. I was shooting at him, but he didn't get the game. The game was to shoot next to each other. He shot one shot and a one in a million shot came in and blew off, blew up my eye. And I'm twelve years old and now I'm the kid that lost his eye to a pellet gun situation and now I'm in surgeries for a tire year. Now my feelings are feeling different. Now they're compounded by the kid that has one eye, the kid that the parents wouldn't they seem I told you, don't play the gun. That's the kid. And then a year out of school and then feeling different than putting being, being put on drugs for the pain, for the surgeries, for the for I was a one of the first kids to get, one of the first young people to get laser surgery back thirty, forty years ago. And and and now more feelings of feeling different. Now, when I take my first drink, which was an answer to a problem that I had inside, I took my first glass of wine and that wine worked, that wine worked. I wasn't the kid with the one eye. I wasn't the kid that didn't have any big brothers, I wasn't the kid that felt different because I was a time with a whether Jewish last name or Russian last name, I always felt whacked, I always felt different,...

...but when I had a glass of wine, I didn't raise ahead of you understand I'm saying. Yeah, alcohol, alcohol, it's the greater lixir. It makes you feel like everything's going to be okay. It's the rapacious creditor, as one of our books said, it takes and it takes and it takes and it only appears to give back. So I'm fifteen, I'm sixteen, I'm seventeen, I'm drinking. Is No big deal. I'm doing some other stuff. Obviously I'm a I'm a product of the S and S, s, s, s and S, and in New York s and s is is other stuff. It's alcohol and other stuff, and it's and I got and I get off to college and I'm doing alcohol and other stuff and not a big deal, not a line, a lot of problems. And then I go home and I see my grandfather John cast gone and he's he's a full blood at the time, right out of the movies, and we're sitting at sunny did Sunday dinner. I'm coming in from college and he's reading the paper and that's what we did back then. They read the paper at the table. I don't know that you know what I'm talking about. Reading the paper was a big deal at the table and my grandfather JC, he picks up the paper and he looks at the article and it was during a time of a movie called New Jack City, and he says, Stevie, you see this, don't you ever try this substance. If you try this substance, you'll become instantly addicted. I'd never tried that substance. When he said don't try that substance, I said no, GRANDPA would never try that substance. I took that paper, I went into the middle of New York City like a paper boy. I was like, has anybody seen this substance? Where can I get this substance? And everything changed. I became a I went from a social user to a kid that was underneath the stairs in his fraternity house and stay there for semester. I was a kid that was dibbling and dabbling into it until I became a kid that was completely and utterly changed from the inside out. It was no more that alcohol was the great fixer. It was now I was totally addicted to a substance that was actually had changed me as a person from the inside out for bad things. It was no more that it was a you know, because alcohol is fun and then alcohol is fun with problems, and then alcohols problems. You know, the only thing that I could tell about drugs is different than alcohol is it's skips a lot of the different parts. It just goes from fun too problems pretty quickly. That's the only difference. It's just it's just a it's just a faster acting alcohols really what it is. So I in one summer I became like completely addicted and then I went I was on my way home to tell my parents that I was completely addicted and and but I ran out of money. So that's when I knew I had a problem when I ran out When I ran out of money, I'm like, this is a serious problem. And so, because I was in a rural area of Pennsylvania and there was a lot of deer. I didn't see any deer here to is this deer season? Is there a lot of deer? Yeah, there's a lot of deer and where I went to school in Pennsylvania's the same type of areas in the woods and there's a lot of deer. And I did hit a deer, that's true. I did hit a deer and and when I ran out of money, I called up my parents and I said this I'm in the middle of. I used to work at one of those resorts that you see, like the dirty dancing resorts, where the people would go and you stayed for the week. I was a waiter that waited on them for the week and at the end of the week you get the tips and I would and I got into a car. I got into a deer accident and it wrecked the side of my car. Now we're not familiar with deer where I'm from. So I called my parents I said, I wreck my car. If you got to send some money up, otherwise I'm going to lose this amazing job and I'm working all this, all this time to get this money from these families and my parents. They sent Western Union money for the car for the deer accident. So that that kept me going for a couple months. Every week I was hitting a deer every week. Okay, I took out. If I would have hit as many deers I claimed a hit, I would be in the newspaper. I would at every week I was calling home. I hit another what. When I finally came home to tell my parents that I what needed a drug Rehab, my mother was like, thank the Lord, we thought you were an imbecile, we thought you on more on. I had never met anyone to when. I never met anyone that went to alcohol Druberhab. That was not popular back thirty years or there's not a it's not a thing that everybody did. So my parents called another person they knew about a place that was in the middle of the United States, in Minnesota, called hazeled in for young people. I was twenty one. My Dad was kind of a big shot. He was a he was...

...in he was an organized gambling my mother was leave it leave it like that. My mother was a professional. She was one of the first women chiropractors in the state of New York. She was a she was a big deal she was a big deal doctor, my uncle was a big deal doctor, my dad was a in a type of an organization and and and here I am. I'm addicted. And so they call up the center. We don't have insurance. My Dad gives me a check. I go out to the center. Before I go out to the center, my mom makes me watch on a VHS tape twenty eight. She know. She makes me watch clean and soul with Michael Keaton. She goes, this is where you're going watch the movie. It seems like it's going to be fun. There's a there's like a lake situation, there's milkshakes, there's a romance, there's a dance. It's February seventh and they send me out to Minnesota. I had never been west of Pennsylvania. I didn't know anything west of Pennsylvania. I know that sounds ignorant and yes it is, but I only knew three states. A New New York knew. I know four states, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and the and one of the boroughs of New York, which is Florida. So I knew those four states and every time I went down to Florida, we I wore the same thing. I wore a Guinea T, which is like a cutoff Italian type of Tshirt, five gold chains, a lot of hair gel and and and and some balloon pants, like muscle balloon pants. That's when we wore back then. So that's what I packed for react. Now, I don't know if you understand any about Minnesota in February. It's not Florida like I was used to Minnesota. Whether is something that you have to experience it to really understand. If you seen the movie Fargo, you understand what I'm talking about. So I arrived in balloon pants, which are basically put Jamas for people that go to the gym, and I have my Guinea ta on, my full five Gold Change, my hair Gel and and I'm like, Whoa, you get up the plan and you get smacked in the face with cold that you've never experienced. It's really shocking. And they and they whisked me off to this treatment center and I get inside the trims Sarain. That's where I see the steps. I see the word alcohol. First Time in my life I see the word alcohol. It says we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. I wasn't there for alcohol. I just turned twenty one. I was not there for alcohol, I was there for another substance. I said to the guy, which I had been to a lot of hotels because my dad is a big shot, so I thought it was like concierge. I said, excuse me, I'm not here for the no alcohol part of the program I'm here for the other substance part of the program and the Guy said, well, we don't drink here. I said, understand, we don't. That's obvious. We're not going to drink in a drug where you have okay, but I'm going to drink when I get out. I'm not here to not to learn how to not drink. I didn't even I didn't even really get into the swing of drinking. I just turned twenty one and and the guy said, listen, you could leave now. I'm from New York, okay, so in New York when something's not going our way we just raise it up an octave. So I said, listen, I'm about to leave. He said, well, you can leave. I said no, no, maybe you didn't understand me. I'm about to take my twenty five thou dollar check from stand Boyarsky and I'm about to leave that he wasn't impressed. I was not the first want to be gangster that he ever met. Okay, so I pick up my three piece matching Gucci Luggage to leave and I realize why he was not nervous for me to leave. There was a snow drift that had just completely closed the lodge like the shining and nobody was leaving there. And the reason I tell that story. It's comical, but the reason I tell the stories. That's how I came to alcoholics anonymous. Whether your wife ordered, or husband ordered or police ordered, or if it's just so cold you cannot go outside, it doesn't matter. You're here and you're off the hook and you never have to drink again, no matter what, even if you want to. You have arrived. We when people come in, we say welcome home, because there is an answer. There's there. They said, there is a solution to our problem and the problem is not alcohol. The problem is the reason we drank alcohol, and alcoholics anonymous will address that, because alcoholics anonymous is going to point you to a god of your understanding which is going to heal you from the inside. So that when you want to drink, you're going to have a power greater than yourself that's going to help you not to drink, because the drinking was the problem to begin with and it's going to fix the problem that made you drink to begin with. That amazing. I thought this was about drinking. It wasn't about drinking. is about my thinking that lack of power is my dilemma. I don't have any powers, so I drink and then I think that's the answer and then...

I become addicted to that something. But that was never the answer to begin with, because I was a whackle before I ever started drinking. I told a guy to shoot me before drinking. I'm glad you find that a step funny. It's a very weird crowd, this Washington people. So here I am and I'm sober because it's freezing out and I'm wholly unprepared for the outfit and I stayed sober about four months. Its thought out and I was going to I was just going to go back to drinking and my parents joined this amazing program called Alan on and they learned all these credible things like tough love situations, and they wouldn't let me come home and I stayed sober about eighteen months and I didn't work the steps and I didn't have a sponsor. I had a sponsor. I had a sponsor, but it was because he had a car, but I really didn't work the steps. And and of course, when I came in contact with my drug of choice, while I was in Minneapolis with first time, someone said to me I heard you're in the program and I said I am, and they said, well, I have a problem with and they mentioned my specific substance that I was addicted to, and then it was off to the racist for me and I threw that eighteen months out the window because I didn't have any roots. If you don't have any roots and something comes, a big wind comes or rain comes or snowstorm comes, you don't have any roots, you the roots are going to get pulled up. And I have any roots. I hadn't worked the steps. I wasn't doing service. I was doing surface service. Anything that could I can show up in the front. If I could be in the front and look good, I'll do their service. If it's some girls are coming in, I do servants. But I had no roots. So I relapsed and now I relapsed in a foreign city that was foreign to me, in real city, not college, and now I'm in a city with trying to get my drugged choice in some really bad parts of town of Minneapolis, and it was really bad. And then I went to add I pushed, I got back on the elevator and I pushed it down, button down, because you can always go lower, you can always go lower. So I got in the elevator and I went lower and some yets that I would I said, will never happen to me, they happen to me and I went lower and I can't get it to every story that happened out there because some are really, really dramatic and tragic, but it was. It was dramatic enough to shock me back into the program people would say, don't mention God too much because you're gonna scare people out of the programming. Were you? Where the people going to go? This is the answer to our problem. Where the people going to go without this? We are going to we're going to die, we're going to perish. We people are dying every single second. This is our answer. I understand people are finding but where we're going to go? This is it. This is a solution. So I was offended. So I left and then I'll call kick my button. I came back in and then I walked in my tail but to my legs. I said, you guys were right, I can't do this. And then, because they were, they were old timers, serious old timers, clancy I and some of those guys who had the privilege of knowing Smitty, Dr Bob Son, I had the privilege of getting to know with my wife, Jerry Bear, Peter Marianelli. They were very loving to me. They said, shut up, sit down, we have no interest in hearing anything about you because you have no answer to any of the questions we have to answer. Was a different time, very loving during those days. It was coldly about you movement. I don't know if you heard about it, and they didn't want to hear anything about me. That's all I'm saying. And so I sat down and I listened and they told me about a God that I didn't understand. And then, and then I wanted you to know that water seeks its own level. So you have to be careful who you following, alcoholics, anonymous, you have to be careful who you follow. Okay, my sponsor that I picked was a degenerate like me. When I found out the guy went to strip clubs and he would care, you know, and would like that type of Guy, I'm like, you're perfect you, I want you to be my sponsor. When in the middle of my fifth step, we left and went to a strip called that's the type of guy that I asked to be my sponsor. So it didn't work. Obviously didn't work, and I friend. I eventually got a guy by the name of Jerry Bear. He's incredible, amazing man with the years and years of sobriety. And Jerry said to me, Stevie, I'm not impressed with you. He said the disease of alcoholism is not like a flat footed cop that walks around the streets of New York with a doughnut in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. The disease of alcoholism is like a secret service agent that walks around the rooms of alcohol, that walks around the rooms of alcohol hall. It's anonymous, unnoticed that knows how to use six different weapons, that knows how to speak ten different languages. If you have any respect for your sobriety, better have that much more respect for the disease of alcoholism. So listen up, this is warfare. Every day you're going to get on your knees and you're going to ask God to keep you clean and sober. If I invited you over my house and you and you came over my house and you sat at my dinner table and you took the food and you didn't say please for the Food and you got up from the table and you left the house and...

...you didn't say thank you for the food, do you think I'd ever invite you back again? I said no, Jerry. He said so. Why would you be in God's world one day sober without asking please in the morning and saying thank you at night? And I got that. I understood to be saying I was showing no respect to the too. I was showing no respect to God. I wasn't saying please in the morning and I wasn't thanking about I was taking it for granted. This is not something to take for granted. I guarantee the old timers out of here for night. They don't take things for grant. You now I know that they have a home group on Monday nights that they don't miss except there at another meeting tonight. So they're still not missing. Forty two years and forty four years. They understand how serious this thing is. This is not a disease that goes away. Until we get laid out and I started to have some respects, start to pray on my knees to a God that I didn't know, to a God that I understand, but my sponsor said to did it, so I to do it and I did it. And then about thirty days into my sobriety, no, no, I'm sorry, I apologize. I got I got ahead of myself, but that's a good story, but not now. And then I stayed sober about five years, but I didn't work the steps. I worked a couple of steps and nothing really seriously. I was kind of like a step, like a taster of the steps, instead of a cut, instead of a digesting the steps, and I got sicker and I got sicker and I got sicker. I just wanted the reason I asked you to stand up, if you're a person that wants to sponsor somebody, is I just really think it's important that we work the steps because if we leave here the same people we came in here, we're going to go back to drinking again, or it's going to be a miserable life or we just going to be hanging in there. You know, if I bring a car to or a garage and the car stays in the garage for six years and nobody works on it, it's still broken. And so it doesn't matter the length of time of sobriety you have, if you don't do the inside job, if you don't do a very thorough a six and seven, you're going to get sick and sick and sick. And so I was getting sicker and sicker. I wasn't asking God to remove my defects of character, because I like my defects of character, because anger is a comforting thing to me. I like the ability that, if I don't like what you say, to hit you. I like that. I thought that was something cool about me. It wasn't cool at all. It got me sicker and sicker and I had this wrestless, irritable and discontent feeling again, because alcohol is not my problem. You'd think after five years of sobriety and being twenty eight years old, that I would have been better. You can't be better unless you fix the problem. Alcohol is not my problem. It's the reason I drank, the problem I it's the antidote to why I used. And so I became sicker and then the God's size hole became bigger and bigger and I was putting everything inside the God size olds, steroids and muscles and money and Nice cars girls. And then I saw the one that would fix everything. I saw the one that was going to fix everything. And I worked in this mall and this mall had a circus that went on every day of the week and it was a real circus and there was elephants in the Circus and tigers in the circus and the most beautiful show girl that I ever saw, and she was on an elephant and she came in with these beautiful feathers and I was and I was sick and I said, if I could get that girl, I'm going to be well and she's going to fix my problem and that's going to fix my problem. And I got the girl and it didn't fix my problem. And so we're on our honeymoon and I'm trying to get her to drink and she's not drinking. She's sober. She's not going to drink, but I just think that if she drank, our marriage would be better. We're only married a day and she's not drinking. And and I get us, I get US tickets to Emerald Lagassi's new restaurant, fancy restaurant, New Orleans. She doesn't know about New Orleans. She's from the country of Columbia. She doesn't know that there's a lot of drinking and a lot of nudity going on in New Orleans. I don't tell her. I tell her it's about jazz. So we're in EMERALAGASSI's new restaurant and in the t now you guys are all going to know what this is, because you guys are from wine country, so that a lot of times when I go around them and talk in different states, they don't know what I'm talking about. You guys will get this in a second. And in the table next to me, while I'm on my honeymoon, supposed to be looking at my wife, but we have too many conversations going on the table because I have alcoholism completely on top of me and I'm thinking about her and I'm thinking about me and I'm thinking about what a good catch she got and it's like a conversation of multiple voice is going on and then there's a people at the table and they poured wine in a decanter and nobody's drinking it. I never seen that. I never seen that. So I call over the food server and and I say behind the menu, what's going on next to me, and she said those people are drinking fine wine that needs to breathe first. I was like what? There's...

...fine wine that needs to breathe first. I went right from mad dog two thousand and twenty two hard drugs. I miss fine wine that needs to breathe first. If I would have stopped there, I wouldn't need to be an AA and at that moment, I bet I lost my willingness to be powerless over alcohol and I became powerful over fine wine and fine and things like that in my mind. And if you're here today and you don't believe that your powerless or alcohol, you're going to drink again. If you think that you have power over alcohol and you firmly believe that inside, unfortunately, and I'm going to take it unfortunately, you're going to have to go out and try some control drinking and I don't want anyone to do that. I became powerless over the substance that I never tried, which was fine wine. And I believe for the next two years, from my fifth year to my seventh year, that I could drink sociably like a gentleman, as long as I didn't cross over to hard liquors or to drugs. And I picked up my seven your medallion and alcoholics anonymous. I was thirty years old. I was happily married to this beautiful wife, but I wasn't happily married to the beautiful wife. Could how can I be married, happily married to the beautiful wife if I'm not happy about me? And I went on and I went and I looked for fine wine. This city wouldn't be hard. The entire cities wine, but where I'm from in South Florida, you have to know where to look for fine wine and I couldn't find it. So if I ordered Japanese rice wine in a box and that's as fine as it ever God, two dollars and fifty cents later I lost seven years of sobriety. And of course that didn't work because because the God size hole that I had in my end me was not going to be fixed with fine wine, Japanese wine, any crack, cocaine or any other substance was not going to fix the problem I hand inside me, because what I had was a lack of power. That was my dilemma problem and I needed to put inside this godsize whole what it was intended for, which was God. so the Japanese rice wine did didn't work, and then the pills didn't work, and then other substances didn't work and I still went to a on pills. I went to am pills because I felt as long as I wasn't drinking, I was allowed to be an AA. And so I'm slurring my words in a go to my home because only people I knew were an a. can you imagine not going to a sober I can. It was horrible. It was horrible and I was the last to know and every Thursday I'd pick up a chip and I'd get through the week. And it got worse and worse and worse and my beautiful new wife had to leave because for her own sanity, she had to leave back to her country of Columbia, because I destroyed our new home, I destroyed our finances, I destroyed our marriage. She would wait up all night waiting for me to come home. I wouldn't come home because alcohol told me where I was going to go that night and alcohol did not tell me to go home to my new wife. Alcohol told me where to go and it was my master. And if you understand what I'm saying, you're in the right place. Alcohol is my master. When I ingested in my system, I'm not powerless over alcohol unless I ingested. Unfortunately, I'm powerful not to ingest it unless I change. And how am I going to change? I'm going to have a person relationship God of my understanding and I'm going to work the steps, and some of my character defects I'm going to give to him immediately and then other ones I'm going to be willing to have him take along the way. And that's what happened. I was completely miserable and she put me out of the House. She joined this secret program like my parents did twenty years earlier, called Alan on. It's like this group of terrorists, basically, and they gave her all this type of terrorist language that she didn't cause it, she can't cure it, and another C that was not very welcoming to me, and you can control it and she put me out of the House and she showed me with a restraining order and I had to go to a halfway house, which was not my choice. The Guy came to the psychiatric hospital that I was in and he said, would you like to come to my halfway house? I said, I own a full house in Hollywood. He said, well, this is a restraining order, you're not going back home, and I said, please tell me about your amenities and I want up going to this halfway house. And I started praying on my knees, like my sponsor said, and I started thanking him at night on my knees, like my sponsor said. And about thirty days into my sobriety, I got I thought, you know what, maybe I maybe I'm maybe I over thought this thing, maybe I didn't have such a big problem, maybe I could use one more time. Mind you, I lost my wife, I signed away my house, I gave away my sobriety, I'm in a halfway house with people that are not my family, that with men with stinky feed and I'm I'm completely miserable, but maybe I have one more use in me. And I came up with this idea. I was going at and but I didn't have any money. I appreciate people that go on runs with no money. I think you guys are the people are do that. My had he is off to you, but I need to have some money if I'm going to go drink. So, because I didn't have any money, because I didn't have any job, because I didn't have a wallet, because...

I didn't have anything, my my wife would give because I was a bum, my wife gave me a card, a money card, and I called my wife up and I said, could you give me a hundred ninety nine dollars on the money card so that I can get this special phone that calls the California, if you know, alcoholic, a madness. But she had joined Alan on. I didn't know. She never has my permission. So she tells me to hold on. She calls her sponsor and her sponsor says give the bum the money and they set me up. They set me up and she puts a hundred ninety nine dollars on my card and I'm only thirty days sober and I run to the to this sprint store to buy a phone so that I can call my wife, so that she knows that I'm at a meeting, so she doesn't call the halfway house owner. And I got this whole thing set up and I think I've developed some time but junkie super power where I could use for a couple hours, take a shower, brush my teeth and when the other people from the house come in, I go hey, how is your day? And I don't tell anybody. And this is what God does for me, because God always shows up even when I'm not prepared. And I run to the sprint store and I say to the guy behind the counter I need to have the cheapest cell phone you have and I need to be out of here in fifteen minutes. And the guy behind the cell phone camera, cell phone, I said, I I'm sorry, cell phone store says, Stevie B welcome back. I saw you yesterday at the victory a meeting. We've missed you. And the guy behind the counters from Aa. And God does for me what I can't do for myself. And step two, and it did. It was like step two, I R I'm not saying it was step to like a neon lights, but step two came to believe that a power granted myself could restore me to Sanurday. It's doing different things differently and different things happen and then you go wow, that's God. My wife and I were here in June in Washington, Seattle, Washington, on our way to Alaska during Covid we snuck out of the state. Nobody knew. We didn't even tell anybody. We got on a plane, we came to Washington, we went to Packwood, we didn't tell anybody. People thought we were just at home quarantining and we flew incognito to Alaska. When we came back, we wanted to do all the things in Seattle that you guys have to offer. We wanted to go to the needle and the Tu Lui, whatever the guys named a famous artist, a class place, and we wanted to see the Pike's market and we wanted to do all this stuff right, but it was closed. You guys take covid very seriously and I respect that. My hats off to you. I'm in Florida. We don't do much. When I got here the whole state was closed. You Know How god amazing is? I I spoke at a meeting a couple months ago in middle of Florida. That's away from my house and I got to meet the incredible people that just happened to be visiting from from Woodenville in Florida at the same time in an a meeting. I got to meet these in mega incredible men and they said would you come and share your story in Washington? I knew it was Washington state. I was just telling a little joke earlier. And I got to come back to speak to people in Woodenville and do all the things I couldn't do in June. And I'm not a world traveler. It wasn't like I was going to come to a state twice, in the farthest state in the whole world from Miami. That's what God does. He shows off, he puts cherries on the Sunday. He wants to wow us. In Aa there's two different camps to the people that are just hanging in there and they're the people that get how incredible this thing that really had. We seen a person fail who has followed was thoroughly followed our path. When you thoroughly follow the Bat, you get what those men got. I want what they have and I'm willing to go to any leathy to get it. So when they say, would you like to fly up to I'm like yes, the other people when they met me in the middle of Florida. It was on a Thursday. Who drives four hours to an AA meeting on a Thursday at six o'clock? We do. And you know what I got out of that? I don't even did we get dinner? We got dinner. We did get dinner. We did get a dinner. I get so much more, though, and so I'm one year sober, I'm two years sober, I'm like eight years Ober, nine years over, ten years sober. And my wife and I we want to have a baby and she's the love of my life and we want to have a baby and we're in our S and we build a baby room in the house and but we can't get pregnant. So we go to a clinic and and we do everything that you can do in a clinic and then and that doesn't work, and then we have eggs donated and that doesn't work, and then we hire a surrogate. That almost always works, that's their job. It didn't work and we have no baby. And then we get pregnant and we're walking around on cloud nine and we're like you know, going to meetings and I'm like, we're pregnant and it's the greatest time in our life and we zippity doods...

...just great and and we go to the clinic and we lost the baby and I'm devastated. I'm devastated because by now I'm in Ministry, I'm sponsoring six, seven guys, I'm taking meetings for free into treatment centers every single night of the week. I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to. I've changed my life. I've worked a six step, I've worked the seventh step. I'm asking God to remove these defects of character. I'm not cursing, I'm doing everything that's Aunti New York, I'm going out on my way, I'm doing everything that's Auntie me and we still lose the baby. And a well meeting person and alcoholics anonymous tells us, and I understand as well meeting and he tells us, that God only gives you what you can handle. And that's the wrong thing to say because you don't want to hear that God just gave you a baby dying. But then another person in alcoholics anonymous, because alcoholics anonymous filled, is filled with wise people beyond their years said, bad things happen and God will give you the strength to get through it and just pray for the acceptance of God's will. And that's the fact, because bad things happen, people are going to die, that you wouldn't believe that the best people die and God will give you a strength to get through it. And our baby died and God gave us a strength to get through it. And that night my wife was at Alanon and I was at my meeting and I cried for as long as I needed to cry and she cried for as long as she needed to cry, and alcoholics anonymous held my arms and they hugged me until I stopped crying, whatever diamond that was, and Alan on hugged her, and of course we're also members of a church and they hugged us on Sundays and whenever we would go there, and we got a community around US hugging us. But we were crying and we were broken and we just couldn't get have a baby. And then we get into an adoption agency and we pay the money to be in an adoption agency and then we got asked to leave the adoption agency because in my first sobriety. Before we were married, I was arrested for solicitation and now, if you know what that means, it's not a good thing. You don't want to have solicitation on your record that meets you try to pick up somebody that's not your wife. And we got asked to leave the adoption agency and now we can't have a baby and now we can't adopt. And I you know, in alcoholics anonymis is amazing because there's so many people that have expertise. We have firemen in here, we have doctors, we have lawyer years, we have adoption, we have money people. I wouldn't recommend, you know, asking that many people for relationship advice, but we have experts in alcoholics anonymous that are amazing. And I called up this guy, happy Bob, that used to be this very powerful attorney in south Florida before you got caught with three kilos, and I said, Bob, do you know if there's anybody that can help us get a baby, to find an adopted baby? And I know there's an adoption guy in here. I Love I love that shirt. I'm totally with you and we're adoption people to and any and he tells me about a Jewish woman in Boca named Mindy, and I just get the reason. I mention a religion. I'll tell you why. Because by this time in our ten years, in my ten year of Sobriety, I'm like Super Christian. I got bumper stickers, t shirts, banners, statues and and and I'm like the overthetop guy, you know, the guy you a point that and I'm going to have this Jewish person that's going to come in the house and I said to my wife, should we take giant Jesus down? Okay, because giant Jesus is not going to be good. If this is our one shot, if this is our one shot giant Jesus, that just put him in the closet just for this little five minutes here. Okay. And my wife is so wise. My wife says we're not going to change who we are. If God wants us to have the baby, we're not going to pretend who are not. She's so wise. And Mindy comes in and she and she says, do you think God gave you another shot? And I said I know he did, and she said so, how could I not give you another shot? And she sighes off on the home study and we get approved. And if you and my friend will tell you that that's only now. You get into a long line, a long line, a long line. You got to eight years maybe, but God goes to the front of the line and we get a call a month later for a baby that's a up here in the northeast by Canada, and we fly out here and we and we see our son on day one and our son's tell me, mommy, she says, what would you like to name your son? And we say we would like to name our son Joshua. And she says why Joshua? And I say because in the Bible and Joshua and fifteen says, for me and my house, we choose to serve the Lord. And she says, well, I'm not religious, I said, so, I'm just want to let you know your son's going to grow up in a godly home. And two weeks later we take Joshua home to our house and there's people from alcoholics anonymous on our lawn with signs welcome home. They had been taken care of our house, they've been taken care of our dogs and that people of alcoholics anonymous showed up and people of alcoholics anonymous gave us our first baby shower and they showed me how to be a dad and they showed my mom, my wife, how to be a mom, not that she didn't know how to be a mom, but we were older and we hadn't been around kids for like for centuries. And they and alcoholics anonymous came around me and I...

...don't. And I go to six, seven meetings a week. So my Joshua, our Joshua, would come to meetings with me. Our Joshua go to conventions. I would speak at conventions, he'd be on, on in the act. We be like speaking again. And and JJ grew up in alcoholics anonymous and what I want to tell you is that when he was nine months, and some of you guys remember the story from us, say when he was nine months, he sprung out with the most beautiful red hair. And the reason he sprung out with the most beautiful red hairs because God loves to show off and my mom, my mom, has the most beautiful red hair. It just happens to be the exact color and the exact flow of my son's hair. So when my mom goes to pick up Joshua at the at the daycare, they're like, oh, Mrs boy as he come out in. Josh was ready. When Sandy and I go to pick up our son, we have to give three forms of ID. See, God is always just, he's going the extra mile and and he's looking the while us. And this trip isn't it an example of that? I got to meet the pastor of this church, just incredible man. I got to meet his beautiful wife, I got to meet their friends. I got to meet my new, really, really close friend who I just met, Ryan, because you can meet people in alcoholics anonymous. They could be your friends for the rest of your life. Car is here tonight. Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry to me to break your an anonimity. I get to meet people in this area that I would have never met if it wasn't for God and alcoholics anonymous. And I just want to tell you one more story. You know, there's people that are settling for the croutons off a day. They see God is going to give us sobriety if we if we ask for it. He wants to give us sobriety. But some people will stop right there. They'll just stop it. Sober, they'll stop it sober, like when we had buffets before covid there's there's a salad and there's crutons and then there's a prime rib and there's crack crab and then this fresh salmon and there's there's everything on the buffet and people that are willing to just settle with sober they stop at Cruton and they grab the Creuton and they're sitting in their chair and they're eating their crutan and it's food. Don't get me wrong, it's food and it's and it's good, and sobriety is good. And if it's just a cruton you want, that's great. You could stay at Cruton. But I want to take God wants to give us so much more what he's given us over the last nineteen, it's going to be twenty years in Jenuy. What he's given us is a piece of mind and understanding that he's going to take care of us, no matter why, even when everything's going wrong in that area, everything's going to go right in this area, that he's got a plan and he's got a purpose. And I was able to because of my relationship with God, I was able to start a program called JAC's House in South Florida. It's the only faith based program of its type in south Florida, because it's not popular to have anything faith based in South Florid and so we got to start a program called JAC's House. My wife started a program called the Grace House, and we get to do this full time. Full time help people not to die. But I tell you, some people choose used to die and over the last four or five years we've went to over a hundred funerals. We have a totally treatable disease. It's totally treat but one hundred percent of the time, really have we seen a person fell who has thoroughly followed our path. Those gentlemen will tell you the path is the path of God. It's one hundred percent works one hundred percent of the time. And I have to tell you some I'm a very, very, very satisfied customer alcoholics, anonymous Alan on our relationship with God. That's what we have. Our House is full. We have a full house. We only have one son. Praise got to be ten this week. It's amazing situate. You know how excited we are about Joshua, but our house is full because we have people in a a in our house and we people on all in our house. We have got in our house. We have a phone calls coming in and if you're in a place where you are bored in Aa, it's just because you're not sponsoring any good or you're not doing enough to just get out. Are so much work to do. It's so fun, it's so fulfilling. It takes care of mental illness. Obviously. You See, I should be on five or six different medications, but I'm not. I'm not on five or six medications because this is my medication. Today I started out on my knees and when I go home tonight, God willing, I'll have another sober day I'll finish on my knees. God bless you, guys. Thank you so much.

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