AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 26 · 2 years ago

Stevie B Step 6 - Three-Piece Luggage @ Spread The Word Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Great. Where you going, Christine? Okay, hi everybody. My name is TVVM, recovering alcoholic memory of the Dingy Golden Text Group in Daniel Bench, Florida. Friday night's great to be here with you, guys. Done tonight we can tell about step six and step seven being having being entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. And I'm are also doing the Tommy. Are we doing the principles that behind the steps? So we're going to be talking about willingness, which we spoke about a couple weeks ago, right, and humility. Oh, that's a big one right there. That's a toll order for anybody. Humility is a tall order for anyone. That's a serious principle right there, and it's going to take a lifetime of trying and failing and getting some and losing it and maybe getting some success financially and then losing some humility and then maybe getting some success in something else and then maybe being excited and then you lose it and humility comes, sometimes it goes. Hopefully it comes and stays. That has not been my case. It's been a life long journey in the humility triangle. So we will speak about some of that tonight, for sure. Most of a lot of you guys don't know me in here. I'm glad to see a whole new room of faces. That's awesome. Anybody that's here for that's you want to see this, this is okay. Anyone that's here with under a year of sobriety regime, wow, wow, let's give God a hand right there. So, since that was almost the entire room, okay, not the entire room, because we have done and we have a bunch of old timers here. But since I was the majority of the room, I'm going to back up just a little bit so that you know a little bit about me. I am a drug addict from New York. Okay, not an alcoholic. I'm a drug addict from New York and I have a side dish of alcoholism. But my main thing is I really appreciate drugs in all their entirety, and so I came into the program at twenty one years old specifically where they drug problem. I did not want to give up drinking and I would it was not in the top fifty things that I was thinking about when I was twenty one years old. Okay, I got involved with one substance, and one substance only. It was the S and s and that substance, Mikeabone, was Cokay, yes, and I love to ride that white cowboy right there. And I'm sorry, the horse and like the cowboy. I'm sorry, I had the wrong thing there. Excuse me. I like to ride that white horse and it got really crazy for me and I went home and I told my parents. I said to my parents, I have a problem with this one substance. It wasn't, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was coke. But but I told my family had a problem and my grandfather he said to me, make sure that you never try...

...this one substance. And it was all over the papers. New Jack City just came out. It was New York and in the paper my grandfather JAC at Sunday dinner where it Tian's, and he said to me, see, be never try this substance. If you do, it was on the paper, a front line the paper, and then in the one thousand nine hundred and ninety paper, New York Times. No, Not New York Times. We wouldn't have had that something in Long Island. What's going on with all this noise of here. Enough time together outside the meeting. Love is in the all right, let's get back to the meeting, okay. And my grandfather had the paper and he's his Steve this substance. If you try this once, you'll be addicted. Don't ever try this substance. And when he said that, something inside me just like jump for joy. He was warning me not to go try the substance and all I could do is think inside. Where am I going to find the substance? I haven't seen it. So I basically took the paper into New York City to when Tommy lives and I held the paper up and I said, is anybody seen this substance? Front News? I need to get some of his crack. I found it. Not a fact, Tommy's uncle sold it to me and and I was all to the racist and a twenty one years old, I was hopelessly addicted as substance and I went into treatment and I had one goal in mind to get off this, stay off this, never go back to this, never go back to hard drugs again. And and I was going to have a great life. I always going to be an a, a a I was. That was not even in the in the the whole spectrum things. I was never going to join a a because I don't have an alcoholics anamals for I don't have an alcohol problem. I had a one substance problem. I was going to go handle it. Go back to college. I was a senior in cop and I went into that treaming center and it looked this look like it was going to be a long haul, like for your Patrick. You realize it's not going to be some two second thing. is going to be a whole lifelong process. The Guy told me we don't drink and and I was very disappointed. I know we weren't going to drink in treatment, but he told me after treatment you don't drink. One day at a time for the rest of your life you won't drink. What twenty one got five gold change, matching three piece Gucci Luggage, full head of hair, white teeth, hey, gel coming in both tubes. Are you kidding me? I mean, I'm not going to drink? Of course I'm going to drink. I gave me for one substance. One sums is only. I'm paying you thirty FIVEZERO dollars with my dad's money. Make sure you do it the good job and then fix me up, clean me up and get me back to New York. It turned out who's going to be longer than I thought. I stayed sober eighteen months and just from this, just from this sheer fear of a relapse, I stay so you can bind a matter of fact, you can stay so over a long time on fear it's not going to be quality sobriety. But you can stay so over a long time if you can stay sober in a long time. On step one that you minted, you are powerless over your addiction, and then you can fill in some of the other steps. But you're going to need to admit to your innermost self that you're powerless over everything. Otherwise you're just waiting to pick up again. A matter of fact, we don't really have to go on any further in this room full of New People. If you don't get this right now, there's really no reason to go on. If you cannot admit to your innermos self that you're powerless over all substances, you'll pick up again, simple as that. I'm powerless over everything. They invented new stuff since I've been in the province since I've been to porting out twenty seven years, eighteen straight years...

...now. Tell you what happened. And they have invented some new stuff. I'm powerless over. They come out and stuff last week. I'm powerless over that. They have some stuff being made in Asia right now. As a matter of fact, I had the coronavirus before anybody even heard about the coronavirus. I was allergic to coronas years ago. I'm Paralles of Corona Crodham. Any Jim beam alcohol in a Syringe, it doesn't matter. Hook it up. Give me more. So this idea that I was going to be able to go and get off this one substance and get back to my life. This this came to a screeching halt because at eighteen months I met this girl. She told me she was in Princess Band. What she was I was in Minneapolis and she said she had a terrible problem with this specific drug which I had not seen in Minnesota. I know was there, but it wasn't in the circles I was in because I was going to narcotics anonymous and alcoholics anonymous, and I just didn't see the substance and she said, all right, Louis, you're an AA right now, just relax, okay, and she said to me I have a problem with drugs. Can you help me? And I had only been doing quasi steps. And when she said I said, well, what, you know, I want to I wanted to be helpful. She said what what I said? You know, what is your drug of choice? You know, trying to be like a therapist, and she said crack. And I don't know, maybe it's the first time I heard the word and Minnie apples, but something went off insiety and I said I have two hundred dollars. I lost my therapist agree very quickly and then Bam, I'm out. So I'm eighteen months clean and now I'm not. And then, and what happened was, and I don't know if you know this, but you can get off the elevator at any time. You don't have to keep going down. I said this. People all tend this. I was at a good place at twenty one. I hadn't I was dabbling in stirs, but I really entered into the full world of steroid yet I was of good sound mind and body and and I was and I got off on a very good floor. I told you I came too far. I came to Minnesota with the three piece matching when you love you. So that's a good floor to get off on. No, I got back into lvator. I pushed down, right down. I went down when I entered into Liberty House nineteen years ago with my dear of my best friend over there, when I have eighteen years ago, when I entered into Liberty House, I had a three piece when Dixie bag for one for my toiletries, another one for my underwear and another one for my shirt. Doesn't leave another bag from pants because I was wearing them. I traded in three piece Gucci luggage for three piece matching wind see bag because I kept getting in the elevator and finding out there was another floor and when I got to the bottom four I got out. started. Bigot. You don't have to do that. You're off the hook. Everybody in here tonight is off, though. You never have to pick up again, no matter why, even if you want to, and I've had plenty of reason in the last eighteen years to pick up having I haven't. We there's a man inside this room I always talk about and whenever I see him Eddie and I were in the meeting. He lost the love of his life. Met The love of his life and alcoholics anonymous. They head an amazing marriage. They went everywhere together, they held hands together, they did everything together. She came down with cancer. She was dead within six months. We saw him in a meeting the very next day. He never picked up. He's in here tonight right now, so there's no reason to pick up, even if you want to. We're totally off the whole the twelve steps, this program, alcoholics anonymous has made a way for us never to go through any situation alone ever again for the rest of...

...your life. One night, adding my friend over there, he was traveling at Wednesday night to the Recovery Bible study and as he was traveling to the recovery bibble study a person of walked off the sidewalk and walked right into his car and died on the front of his car. There's nothing he could have did. A man died on his car as he was driving. The whole meeting emptied out and we went, certain not the whole meeting, but about ten of US went out and surrounded him so he didn't have to be alone in that situation. The man I'm referring to that lost his wife. He has not been alone in that situation. That's why he was in a meeting. So the principle behind step six is willingness, because we have to be willing to let go of these defects that are actually killing us. And I was so full of defects. I don't like defects. I'm like, Yo, the kid is here. You know I mean I I before Tommy. There was me then said and I thought I was the bomb. I'm like, why would I want to get rid of these defects? These defects make my personality. I love me, the truth in matters. I didn't love me. I wanted you to think I loved me. I was really alone at two o'clock in the morning. I didn't love me. When your whole life is a Facam, when your whole life is a game, when your whole life is pretend and you are two o'clock in the morning in the voices are screaming at you that you are a liar, that you are false, that you are not real, that you are have nothing about you, and there's nobody there to combat that because the voices are yours. You're going to need to have a relationship with God because you're gonna have to know what God says about you. If you are hearing at two o'clock in the morning, loser, fake, you'll never mount anything, you don't have the education to mount anything, you don't have any of the skills, don't mount anything and you'll never be anything. You have to know what God says about you. At two o'clock in the morning, all you will reach for your best friend, which is drugs, your alcohol. So what does God say about us? The big book says what does God say about he's? The big book says that. God says he's our father. Don't get upset with me, it's in the book. Big Book says that God is our father, that we are as children. You hear that, Patricia? He is the director. We are as ages, we work for him. I see some of you little upset. To use your think I'm like making this stuff up. This is not made up. Listen, you're either going to come to God on his terms or your terms. You Come to God in your terms, it's not pretty. That's what God says in the big gold not my words. This is God's doom. This is the big books worth. I'm not saying as God's works. Well, of course I think it is. Then any life run on self will is going to be a disaster. Did you hear that, Lauren? Did you hear that? Anytime that we think we got this humility goes like this man I got. Let me tell you, humilities are funny thing. Today Jerry lends me a car and it's not really a car, like my car's in the shop is not really car. Jerry lends me a car that is missing one of the cues. You know this, but it really is important to have all the gears in a manual car. So one of them and then drew walls. But he goes, you know, the first gear doesn't work. But if you if you do something, and he gave me some explanation on how to get it from zero to...

...two gear without going to the first gear. I haven't figured this system out. They also told me there's no air conditioning and don't roll down the window because it doesn't come back up. So after the second mile I'm like, this is not going to work, this is not going to work, this is not good. I'm not at Phil see you it's not going to work. I'm not going to go pick up my son in this and and and and try to floor into get to five miles an hour. Do so humbly, and I really mean this and I'm telling you the truth, humbly. I go to the rental car agency and the guy said to me, and it's and it's after hours now, and he says which car would you I just I'll take any car, as long as it's inexpensive. And he said, well, I don't really have a car. Y'All have to get a car. Feel as let's listen. I'm at I'm coming to you. Whatever car you have, I'm be good with it. He said, I I have a damage car. Here I go, I'm good, okay, as long as it's inexpensive. I just need it for a couple days. I'm good with it. He said, well, we do have one car here and it's it's a Camaro, a thort of Jana. It's a Camaro SS. Just came off the lines. Got About five hundred horse power. It's only far we have here. I said that sounds expensive. I'm not looking for a spenserve right now. I just want to look for anything. I would take the damage cars a w I'm gonna give you this at a discount. He shows me the discount screen and it really is a discount any and then he does this thing with the with the FOB, and the car starts at self. Janet, is that what you have to have? An says yes, starts itself and it just just sounds like a monster for Oswall. Walk into the car, he starts, it goes and I all of a sudden my humility just went away. I'm like, that seems like a good car right there. He said, well, don't you wanted to talk about the pricing? I'm no, I think that's going to be just fine. I look like you're right in my price rate right there. Like five minutes earlier, I'm telling to give me the car with no wheels after I heard the end and I didn't even answer the price. I don't even know the price right now. I drove it here tonight. I did a hundred sixty on. How do you have fat been careful with humility, because it's a serious thing and ego will kill you. Now I know that about myself. One Time Eddie lent me a Jaguar he had rented a Jaguar, and it's a true story. You know that's a true story. Edie rented a Jaguar and and he didn't. So why did you give it to me for the last day? Why is that? Why did you have the Jaguar? Oh yeah, I can't keep it for a bunch of days. You gave it to me for the last days. I paid for it. Well, this is the reason I hadn't. And let me just tell you what happened. I driving forward and I'm very happy and very greatful. Thank you God, very, very greatful. You know what. I'm driving forward and you stop me and you ask me for five dollars. I'm like absolutely. Well, when Eddie gave me the Jack with the same guy that asked me for five dollars a day the day before, when he gave me the Jaguar, I was like please, can you see I'm driving a Jaguar. I was the same person the next day, just a different car. So that defect that I have, that that highmindedness, that's something that's got to be removed, because ego is edging God out. Ego is edging got out. Would you repeat that? After me edging God out? That's the Eagle and ego. When you edge got out, that needs it's more about you, and when you edge got out, that needs a Sunnie of the spirit is a long...

...distance away and you don't want to edge got out because you hadge got out. There's more of you, less of him, and our prayer always needs to be more of you God, less of me. So I know I got this thing any but I always forget. The other thing that I have in me is padles, paddles, Paples, pride, anger, greet bloody, envy, lust and slow. I got the seventh deadliest. And you know why? Most of us in here we do. And an honest assessment of ourselves is these padgles need to be removed. Otherwise our sobriety usually goes by the way of the remove the if we don't remove them, our sobriety will be removed. In my first sobriety, around my third year, I remember I told you the story. You're going to remember the story what I'm about to say. My Third D I start using steroids and I started using casually and I hung on with other guys that said that these were not mooded, multi moved. They would not mind and mood altering substances. But for me it's a mind and mood altering substance because when I'm using steroids, I'm bringing in Ego, I'm injecting ego. It's like I might as well go to the doctor. Said you have ego on TAP. I need some ego, and I started to get bigger and I started, you know, get larger and feel more powerful. That's a mind altering substance. If if one, if I'm feeling bigger and more powerful because I'm taking some substance, doesn't mind altering substance, isn't it? It was doing the same thing that drugs was doing for me. It was doing the same thing that that white substance did for me, the and S, and so I started to edge God out. Some guys in the program told me you don't want Steve because because you can tell when someone's doing stir, them just won't let you know. And they said me, you do the US just like offended. I'm like, four years Queen, what do you mean about doing steroids? Kind of question? Is that? No, son, I line. So I'm dishonest. I've already now broken the first principle, the first step, which is honesty. So now I'm walking around and dishonesty. Now I have to now start lying in the program and start now break making a story about it. Well, how come you so big? Creatine? How much creatine you do a locks type of creatine? You using the good kind. You See, I just got to keep going with the story. I don't even know a creatine. I've never even met Creatine, but I just started going with the story. Next thing you know, one line leads to another lie, least to another lie, least to another die. Now I'm being I'm I'm practicing infidelity with my girlfriend and I get arrested for picking up a prostitute coming out of the Fort Lord Dale Men's Group on Oakland Park, on Federal Highway by Oakland Park bullboard. I got arrested for picking up a prostitute who's a police officer. Very Rude Group here, and I'm so I'm sober, being arrested for solicitation, for purchasing, not for selling, and I go to jail so bad. You go to jail under the influence. That's one thing. When you go to jail sober and see other people from the twelve stubhouse that are drunk in the same cell as you, and then I what are you doing here? And then I got to like now do another lie. I'm here with the Institutions Committee. We bring me into the jails who can't get...

...out. I gotta now come on that. Now my whole program is a lot and I can't find the truth and anything I'm doing in the truth will set you free. And if you don't speak the truth, if you don't practice honestly, your entire program will be destroyed. And the defects of character all came back. Wrath came back, anger came back, which is wrath, and and and lust came back full time, and and pride and envy. And then the next thing you know, I'm seven years sober and I need to take a drink. And when I told you that I was a pure addict in the beginning, it turns out that I'm just a garden variety alcoholic. That's not the substance that I use, it's the syndrome that I have that makes me want to use whatever it is. See, I've alcoholism has nothing to do with the substance I take. It's a syndrome inside me that tells me I'm less, then unless I take something, I'll never be anything. So what's the point? And I'm never going to be like you. So I met as well use something sort, at least temporarily I could feel better. That's alcoholism. Whatever the substance is, it didn't matter. But when I relapsed at seven years of sobriety, it was alcohol and alcohol became my master. Now that I use drugs, with the alcohol, of course I'm a more person. I use. I'm a real alcoholic, but I'm not a pure alcohol that last year and a half that I was out, I did things and went to places that I would never experience. Never, never thought at twenty one years old when I got off on the very high floor in the treatment center that was Houghty toyy in Minnesota. I got on the very high floor and by the time I was thirty four years old, relapsed here in for Lauderdale, traveling in that out of rock houses and hanging outside of gay night clubs hoping someone throwing some crystal men. No, I'm not gonna says made me. I'm not a windy. Yes, I was looking for Sugar Daddy. I who would that? I'm okay. You got my number. Yeah, I saw something you there hanging out the side of it. Anywhere in January, third the week before I met that beautiful man there. God allowed me to come out of my hell that I had put myself in because I wanted to write, to have a glass of wine. And within five minutes of within I want you to hear this before we in this meeting, within five minutes from we having a glass of wine, my mind told me I was seven years sober the moment I took one glass of Japanese rice wine. Wasn't even a class. was in a cardboard box. Never made it to a glass. You think you're so seven years you can stop at a glass. I drank my first drink out of a cardboard box from August Moon Chinese food restaurant on Federal Highway in Hollywood and I drank that drink from a cardboard box and within five seconds I remembered that I had pills in the house that was prescribed to me during my dad's drowning, and on the bottle of the pills it said do not take with alcohol. I took a drink. I never thought about those pills the moment I took that drink instantaneously. It was like I was an astro physicist. I remembered bottle that I had upstairs. I went up the stairs, I took the bottle, I did this annex with the alcohol and Bayham. Within five minutes I knew I would never go back to drugs. Within five minutes I was doing drugs and with a year and a half I was doing Christill, which I didn't know was Christel, and then I finally be asking to crack. So next week when we come back and we talked about step seven and we do this incredible prayer that we're going to all do together, I noticed some of the guys walked out when we started talking about God earlier. Let me tell...

...you something. If God send you out of the program, drugs and alcohol will send you back if you're lucky. God should never send you out, because he's the only answer to this problem that we have inside. So next week we're going to do a prayer together. It's called the seventh step prayer and it's going to be wonderful, it's going to be magicab going to do it slow, we're going to do it together and we're going to ask God to remove these horrible defects that we have, these shortcomings that are standing in the way of us being useful to others. Amen. I'll see you guys next got up all right, guys, I.

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