AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 26 · 1 year ago

Stevie B Step 6 - Three-Piece Luggage @ Spread The Word Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Great. Where you going, Christine? Okay, hi everybody. My name is TVVM, recovering alcoholic memory ofthe Dingy Golden Text Group in Daniel Bench, Florida. Friday night's great to behere with you, guys. Done tonight we can tell about step sixand step seven being having being entirely ready to have God remove these defects ofcharacter. And I'm are also doing the Tommy. Are we doing the principlesthat behind the steps? So we're going to be talking about willingness, whichwe spoke about a couple weeks ago, right, and humility. Oh,that's a big one right there. That's a toll order for anybody. Humilityis a tall order for anyone. That's a serious principle right there, andit's going to take a lifetime of trying and failing and getting some and losingit and maybe getting some success financially and then losing some humility and then maybegetting some success in something else and then maybe being excited and then you loseit and humility comes, sometimes it goes. Hopefully it comes and stays. Thathas not been my case. It's been a life long journey in thehumility triangle. So we will speak about some of that tonight, for sure. Most of a lot of you guys don't know me in here. I'mglad to see a whole new room of faces. That's awesome. Anybody that'shere for that's you want to see this, this is okay. Anyone that's herewith under a year of sobriety regime, wow, wow, let's give Goda hand right there. So, since that was almost the entire room, okay, not the entire room, because we have done and we havea bunch of old timers here. But since I was the majority of theroom, I'm going to back up just a little bit so that you knowa little bit about me. I am a drug addict from New York.Okay, not an alcoholic. I'm a drug addict from New York and Ihave a side dish of alcoholism. But my main thing is I really appreciatedrugs in all their entirety, and so I came into the program at twentyone years old specifically where they drug problem. I did not want to give updrinking and I would it was not in the top fifty things that Iwas thinking about when I was twenty one years old. Okay, I gotinvolved with one substance, and one substance only. It was the S ands and that substance, Mikeabone, was Cokay, yes, and I loveto ride that white cowboy right there. And I'm sorry, the horse andlike the cowboy. I'm sorry, I had the wrong thing there. Excuseme. I like to ride that white horse and it got really crazy forme and I went home and I told my parents. I said to myparents, I have a problem with this one substance. It wasn't, itwas, it was, it was, it was, it was coke.But but I told my family had a problem and my grandfather he said tome, make sure that you never try...

...this one substance. And it wasall over the papers. New Jack City just came out. It was NewYork and in the paper my grandfather JAC at Sunday dinner where it Tian's,and he said to me, see, be never try this substance. Ifyou do, it was on the paper, a front line the paper, andthen in the one thousand nine hundred and ninety paper, New York Times. No, Not New York Times. We wouldn't have had that something inLong Island. What's going on with all this noise of here. Enough timetogether outside the meeting. Love is in the all right, let's get backto the meeting, okay. And my grandfather had the paper and he's hisSteve this substance. If you try this once, you'll be addicted. Don'tever try this substance. And when he said that, something inside me justlike jump for joy. He was warning me not to go try the substanceand all I could do is think inside. Where am I going to find thesubstance? I haven't seen it. So I basically took the paper intoNew York City to when Tommy lives and I held the paper up and Isaid, is anybody seen this substance? Front News? I need to getsome of his crack. I found it. Not a fact, Tommy's uncle soldit to me and and I was all to the racist and a twentyone years old, I was hopelessly addicted as substance and I went into treatmentand I had one goal in mind to get off this, stay off this, never go back to this, never go back to hard drugs again.And and I was going to have a great life. I always going tobe an a, a a I was. That was not even in the inthe the whole spectrum things. I was never going to join a abecause I don't have an alcoholics anamals for I don't have an alcohol problem.I had a one substance problem. I was going to go handle it.Go back to college. I was a senior in cop and I went intothat treaming center and it looked this look like it was going to be along haul, like for your Patrick. You realize it's not going to besome two second thing. is going to be a whole lifelong process. TheGuy told me we don't drink and and I was very disappointed. I knowwe weren't going to drink in treatment, but he told me after treatment youdon't drink. One day at a time for the rest of your life youwon't drink. What twenty one got five gold change, matching three piece GucciLuggage, full head of hair, white teeth, hey, gel coming inboth tubes. Are you kidding me? I mean, I'm not going todrink? Of course I'm going to drink. I gave me for one substance.One sums is only. I'm paying you thirty FIVEZERO dollars with my dad'smoney. Make sure you do it the good job and then fix me up, clean me up and get me back to New York. It turned outwho's going to be longer than I thought. I stayed sober eighteen months and justfrom this, just from this sheer fear of a relapse, I stayso you can bind a matter of fact, you can stay so over a longtime on fear it's not going to be quality sobriety. But you canstay so over a long time if you can stay sober in a long time. On step one that you minted, you are powerless over your addiction,and then you can fill in some of the other steps. But you're goingto need to admit to your innermost self that you're powerless over everything. Otherwiseyou're just waiting to pick up again. A matter of fact, we don'treally have to go on any further in this room full of New People.If you don't get this right now, there's really no reason to go on. If you cannot admit to your innermos self that you're powerless over all substances, you'll pick up again, simple as that. I'm powerless over everything.They invented new stuff since I've been in the province since I've been to portingout twenty seven years, eighteen straight years...

...now. Tell you what happened.And they have invented some new stuff. I'm powerless over. They come outand stuff last week. I'm powerless over that. They have some stuff beingmade in Asia right now. As a matter of fact, I had thecoronavirus before anybody even heard about the coronavirus. I was allergic to coronas years ago. I'm Paralles of Corona Crodham. Any Jim beam alcohol in a Syringe, it doesn't matter. Hook it up. Give me more. So this ideathat I was going to be able to go and get off this onesubstance and get back to my life. This this came to a screeching haltbecause at eighteen months I met this girl. She told me she was in PrincessBand. What she was I was in Minneapolis and she said she hada terrible problem with this specific drug which I had not seen in Minnesota.I know was there, but it wasn't in the circles I was in becauseI was going to narcotics anonymous and alcoholics anonymous, and I just didn't seethe substance and she said, all right, Louis, you're an AA right now, just relax, okay, and she said to me I have aproblem with drugs. Can you help me? And I had only been doing quasisteps. And when she said I said, well, what, youknow, I want to I wanted to be helpful. She said what whatI said? You know, what is your drug of choice? You know, trying to be like a therapist, and she said crack. And Idon't know, maybe it's the first time I heard the word and Minnie apples, but something went off insiety and I said I have two hundred dollars.I lost my therapist agree very quickly and then Bam, I'm out. SoI'm eighteen months clean and now I'm not. And then, and what happened was, and I don't know if you know this, but you can getoff the elevator at any time. You don't have to keep going down.I said this. People all tend this. I was at a good place attwenty one. I hadn't I was dabbling in stirs, but I reallyentered into the full world of steroid yet I was of good sound mind andbody and and I was and I got off on a very good floor.I told you I came too far. I came to Minnesota with the threepiece matching when you love you. So that's a good floor to get offon. No, I got back into lvator. I pushed down, rightdown. I went down when I entered into Liberty House nineteen years ago withmy dear of my best friend over there, when I have eighteen years ago,when I entered into Liberty House, I had a three piece when Dixiebag for one for my toiletries, another one for my underwear and another onefor my shirt. Doesn't leave another bag from pants because I was wearing them. I traded in three piece Gucci luggage for three piece matching wind see bagbecause I kept getting in the elevator and finding out there was another floor andwhen I got to the bottom four I got out. started. Bigot.You don't have to do that. You're off the hook. Everybody in heretonight is off, though. You never have to pick up again, nomatter why, even if you want to, and I've had plenty of reason inthe last eighteen years to pick up having I haven't. We there's aman inside this room I always talk about and whenever I see him Eddie andI were in the meeting. He lost the love of his life. MetThe love of his life and alcoholics anonymous. They head an amazing marriage. Theywent everywhere together, they held hands together, they did everything together.She came down with cancer. She was dead within six months. We sawhim in a meeting the very next day. He never picked up. He's inhere tonight right now, so there's no reason to pick up, evenif you want to. We're totally off the whole the twelve steps, thisprogram, alcoholics anonymous has made a way for us never to go through anysituation alone ever again for the rest of...

...your life. One night, addingmy friend over there, he was traveling at Wednesday night to the Recovery Biblestudy and as he was traveling to the recovery bibble study a person of walkedoff the sidewalk and walked right into his car and died on the front ofhis car. There's nothing he could have did. A man died on hiscar as he was driving. The whole meeting emptied out and we went,certain not the whole meeting, but about ten of US went out and surroundedhim so he didn't have to be alone in that situation. The man I'mreferring to that lost his wife. He has not been alone in that situation. That's why he was in a meeting. So the principle behind step six iswillingness, because we have to be willing to let go of these defectsthat are actually killing us. And I was so full of defects. Idon't like defects. I'm like, Yo, the kid is here. You knowI mean I I before Tommy. There was me then said and Ithought I was the bomb. I'm like, why would I want to get ridof these defects? These defects make my personality. I love me,the truth in matters. I didn't love me. I wanted you to thinkI loved me. I was really alone at two o'clock in the morning.I didn't love me. When your whole life is a Facam, when yourwhole life is a game, when your whole life is pretend and you aretwo o'clock in the morning in the voices are screaming at you that you area liar, that you are false, that you are not real, thatyou are have nothing about you, and there's nobody there to combat that becausethe voices are yours. You're going to need to have a relationship with Godbecause you're gonna have to know what God says about you. If you arehearing at two o'clock in the morning, loser, fake, you'll never mountanything, you don't have the education to mount anything, you don't have anyof the skills, don't mount anything and you'll never be anything. You haveto know what God says about you. At two o'clock in the morning,all you will reach for your best friend, which is drugs, your alcohol.So what does God say about us? The big book says what does Godsay about he's? The big book says that. God says he's ourfather. Don't get upset with me, it's in the book. Big Booksays that God is our father, that we are as children. You hearthat, Patricia? He is the director. We are as ages, we workfor him. I see some of you little upset. To use yourthink I'm like making this stuff up. This is not made up. Listen, you're either going to come to God on his terms or your terms.You Come to God in your terms, it's not pretty. That's what Godsays in the big gold not my words. This is God's doom. This isthe big books worth. I'm not saying as God's works. Well,of course I think it is. Then any life run on self will isgoing to be a disaster. Did you hear that, Lauren? Did youhear that? Anytime that we think we got this humility goes like this manI got. Let me tell you, humilities are funny thing. Today Jerrylends me a car and it's not really a car, like my car's inthe shop is not really car. Jerry lends me a car that is missingone of the cues. You know this, but it really is important to haveall the gears in a manual car. So one of them and then drewwalls. But he goes, you know, the first gear doesn't work. But if you if you do something, and he gave me some explanation onhow to get it from zero to...

...two gear without going to the firstgear. I haven't figured this system out. They also told me there's no airconditioning and don't roll down the window because it doesn't come back up.So after the second mile I'm like, this is not going to work,this is not going to work, this is not good. I'm not atPhil see you it's not going to work. I'm not going to go pick upmy son in this and and and and try to floor into get tofive miles an hour. Do so humbly, and I really mean this and I'mtelling you the truth, humbly. I go to the rental car agencyand the guy said to me, and it's and it's after hours now,and he says which car would you I just I'll take any car, aslong as it's inexpensive. And he said, well, I don't really have acar. Y'All have to get a car. Feel as let's listen.I'm at I'm coming to you. Whatever car you have, I'm be goodwith it. He said, I I have a damage car. Here Igo, I'm good, okay, as long as it's inexpensive. I justneed it for a couple days. I'm good with it. He said,well, we do have one car here and it's it's a Camaro, athort of Jana. It's a Camaro SS. Just came off the lines. GotAbout five hundred horse power. It's only far we have here. Isaid that sounds expensive. I'm not looking for a spenserve right now. Ijust want to look for anything. I would take the damage cars a wI'm gonna give you this at a discount. He shows me the discount screen andit really is a discount any and then he does this thing with thewith the FOB, and the car starts at self. Janet, is thatwhat you have to have? An says yes, starts itself and it justjust sounds like a monster for Oswall. Walk into the car, he starts, it goes and I all of a sudden my humility just went away.I'm like, that seems like a good car right there. He said,well, don't you wanted to talk about the pricing? I'm no, Ithink that's going to be just fine. I look like you're right in myprice rate right there. Like five minutes earlier, I'm telling to give methe car with no wheels after I heard the end and I didn't even answerthe price. I don't even know the price right now. I drove ithere tonight. I did a hundred sixty on. How do you have fatbeen careful with humility, because it's a serious thing and ego will kill you. Now I know that about myself. One Time Eddie lent me a Jaguarhe had rented a Jaguar, and it's a true story. You know that'sa true story. Edie rented a Jaguar and and he didn't. So whydid you give it to me for the last day? Why is that?Why did you have the Jaguar? Oh yeah, I can't keep it fora bunch of days. You gave it to me for the last days.I paid for it. Well, this is the reason I hadn't. Andlet me just tell you what happened. I driving forward and I'm very happyand very greatful. Thank you God, very, very greatful. You knowwhat. I'm driving forward and you stop me and you ask me for fivedollars. I'm like absolutely. Well, when Eddie gave me the Jack withthe same guy that asked me for five dollars a day the day before,when he gave me the Jaguar, I was like please, can you seeI'm driving a Jaguar. I was the same person the next day, justa different car. So that defect that I have, that that highmindedness,that's something that's got to be removed, because ego is edging God out.Ego is edging got out. Would you repeat that? After me edging Godout? That's the Eagle and ego. When you edge got out, thatneeds it's more about you, and when you edge got out, that needsa Sunnie of the spirit is a long...

...distance away and you don't want toedge got out because you hadge got out. There's more of you, less ofhim, and our prayer always needs to be more of you God,less of me. So I know I got this thing any but I alwaysforget. The other thing that I have in me is padles, paddles,Paples, pride, anger, greet bloody, envy, lust and slow. Igot the seventh deadliest. And you know why? Most of us inhere we do. And an honest assessment of ourselves is these padgles need tobe removed. Otherwise our sobriety usually goes by the way of the remove theif we don't remove them, our sobriety will be removed. In my firstsobriety, around my third year, I remember I told you the story.You're going to remember the story what I'm about to say. My Third DI start using steroids and I started using casually and I hung on with otherguys that said that these were not mooded, multi moved. They would not mindand mood altering substances. But for me it's a mind and mood alteringsubstance because when I'm using steroids, I'm bringing in Ego, I'm injecting ego. It's like I might as well go to the doctor. Said you haveego on TAP. I need some ego, and I started to get bigger andI started, you know, get larger and feel more powerful. That'sa mind altering substance. If if one, if I'm feeling bigger and more powerfulbecause I'm taking some substance, doesn't mind altering substance, isn't it?It was doing the same thing that drugs was doing for me. It wasdoing the same thing that that white substance did for me, the and S, and so I started to edge God out. Some guys in the programtold me you don't want Steve because because you can tell when someone's doing stir, them just won't let you know. And they said me, you dothe US just like offended. I'm like, four years Queen, what do youmean about doing steroids? Kind of question? Is that? No,son, I line. So I'm dishonest. I've already now broken the first principle, the first step, which is honesty. So now I'm walking aroundand dishonesty. Now I have to now start lying in the program and startnow break making a story about it. Well, how come you so big? Creatine? How much creatine you do a locks type of creatine? Youusing the good kind. You See, I just got to keep going withthe story. I don't even know a creatine. I've never even met Creatine, but I just started going with the story. Next thing you know,one line leads to another lie, least to another lie, least to anotherdie. Now I'm being I'm I'm practicing infidelity with my girlfriend and I getarrested for picking up a prostitute coming out of the Fort Lord Dale Men's Groupon Oakland Park, on Federal Highway by Oakland Park bullboard. I got arrestedfor picking up a prostitute who's a police officer. Very Rude Group here,and I'm so I'm sober, being arrested for solicitation, for purchasing, notfor selling, and I go to jail so bad. You go to jailunder the influence. That's one thing. When you go to jail sober andsee other people from the twelve stubhouse that are drunk in the same cell asyou, and then I what are you doing here? And then I gotto like now do another lie. I'm here with the Institutions Committee. Webring me into the jails who can't get...

...out. I gotta now come onthat. Now my whole program is a lot and I can't find the truthand anything I'm doing in the truth will set you free. And if youdon't speak the truth, if you don't practice honestly, your entire program willbe destroyed. And the defects of character all came back. Wrath came back, anger came back, which is wrath, and and and lust came back fulltime, and and pride and envy. And then the next thing you know, I'm seven years sober and I need to take a drink. Andwhen I told you that I was a pure addict in the beginning, itturns out that I'm just a garden variety alcoholic. That's not the substance thatI use, it's the syndrome that I have that makes me want to usewhatever it is. See, I've alcoholism has nothing to do with the substanceI take. It's a syndrome inside me that tells me I'm less, thenunless I take something, I'll never be anything. So what's the point?And I'm never going to be like you. So I met as well use somethingsort, at least temporarily I could feel better. That's alcoholism. Whateverthe substance is, it didn't matter. But when I relapsed at seven yearsof sobriety, it was alcohol and alcohol became my master. Now that Iuse drugs, with the alcohol, of course I'm a more person. Iuse. I'm a real alcoholic, but I'm not a pure alcohol that lastyear and a half that I was out, I did things and went to placesthat I would never experience. Never, never thought at twenty one years oldwhen I got off on the very high floor in the treatment center thatwas Houghty toyy in Minnesota. I got on the very high floor and bythe time I was thirty four years old, relapsed here in for Lauderdale, travelingin that out of rock houses and hanging outside of gay night clubs hopingsomeone throwing some crystal men. No, I'm not gonna says made me.I'm not a windy. Yes, I was looking for Sugar Daddy. Iwho would that? I'm okay. You got my number. Yeah, Isaw something you there hanging out the side of it. Anywhere in January,third the week before I met that beautiful man there. God allowed me tocome out of my hell that I had put myself in because I wanted towrite, to have a glass of wine. And within five minutes of within Iwant you to hear this before we in this meeting, within five minutesfrom we having a glass of wine, my mind told me I was sevenyears sober the moment I took one glass of Japanese rice wine. Wasn't evena class. was in a cardboard box. Never made it to a glass.You think you're so seven years you can stop at a glass. Idrank my first drink out of a cardboard box from August Moon Chinese food restauranton Federal Highway in Hollywood and I drank that drink from a cardboard box andwithin five seconds I remembered that I had pills in the house that was prescribedto me during my dad's drowning, and on the bottle of the pills itsaid do not take with alcohol. I took a drink. I never thoughtabout those pills the moment I took that drink instantaneously. It was like Iwas an astro physicist. I remembered bottle that I had upstairs. I wentup the stairs, I took the bottle, I did this annex with the alcoholand Bayham. Within five minutes I knew I would never go back todrugs. Within five minutes I was doing drugs and with a year and ahalf I was doing Christill, which I didn't know was Christel, and thenI finally be asking to crack. So next week when we come back andwe talked about step seven and we do this incredible prayer that we're going toall do together, I noticed some of the guys walked out when we startedtalking about God earlier. Let me tell...

...you something. If God send youout of the program, drugs and alcohol will send you back if you're lucky. God should never send you out, because he's the only answer to thisproblem that we have inside. So next week we're going to do a prayertogether. It's called the seventh step prayer and it's going to be wonderful,it's going to be magicab going to do it slow, we're going to doit together and we're going to ask God to remove these horrible defects that wehave, these shortcomings that are standing in the way of us being useful toothers. Amen. I'll see you guys next got up all right, guys, I.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (94)