AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 22 · 2 years ago

Stevie B Step 2 - Hope Dealer @ Spread The Word Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Can you hear us? Donna? Okay, good, Oh, we're just going to use a first name. But what a beautiful blessing this young ladies listening from jail right now. And so why don't everybody just say hi, Donna's Guy. That's your blessing down and we prayer that you get some experience of some strength and some hope from this. Hi, everybody, my name is Stevie be I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic and a member of the Golden Text Group in Danny Beach, Florida. Hi, guys, and I saw a dear friend of mine, Chris, that I haven't seen in years. It lives all the way up in North Florida that we haven't seen so other since the funeral, since our dear dear friend Tony, may God rest is made. Me Rest in peace with the how many years of Tony Go to the Lord with? Forty years, you think? Forty eight years? Forty eight years, Tony Ol Tarill, probably watching us from the big meeting in the sky, and and Donna watching us from the the meeting down here, the big house. And Donna, you've been sober though. You doing good over there. phraise God. Well, tonight we're going to be talking about the second step and hope. And first of all, Tammy can't be here with US tonight. Tammy Joe, which is Tommy's fiance. I'm sure your mom knows right, I didn't break the Pan Anaby there about if you didn't know, he got engaged. Okay, mom, but she can't be here with us because she just had surgery when she's the really the backbone of this meeting, and so she wants to be here. So we're going to make sure that we take this or that she gets it. She's recovering from very extensive knee surgery that she just had two days ago and just yesterday, I'm sorry, just yesterday, today, Monday, Monday, just couple days ago. So hopefully she's going to get some juice from this. We talk about God tonight. I'll talk about God, Tome, we're going to talk about God tonight. So eighteen years ago when I was in a recovery House with that gentleman right there, Eddie, who just celebrated eighteen years this week on January. Thirteen nights. Eddie and Mason, our other roommate that can't be here tonight because he's got a cold or some pretty sickness. And they went off to work and I was looking at my watch and it was a quarter to nine am and I came up with this amazing plans. He had thirty days of sobriety and I had hit some very serious bottoms. I had, I don't know you know this, because I had seven years and and I thought that I could drink. I knew that if I never went back to drugs I had, I had drugs in the category of murder and I knew that if I never went back to drugs I would be fine. I mean I had it clear set in my mind that drugs were bad and alcohol probably bad, but I didn't feel I was I was powerless over alcohol anymore. Round my fifth year of Sobriety I decided that if I went, if I left alcoholics anonyms and I drank expensive wines, fine ones, I if ire, if I drank expensive CONACS, but not like alcoholically, like if I had a drink and Afton didn't drill Italian. I'm half Jewish and have Atalian. We have after Jinna drinks in both religions. It's really a very good thing we have and I decided that at in my fifth year of Sobriety, that that someday I would be able to drink it. After Jinna Dr I fantasize that I would be able to have. was that one drink that I wanted to have. Italian after drink, dinner drink. Not, not SAMBUCA,...

Amaretto. WHO said that? Yes, Amaretto, exactly one of them right. I wanted I just I just felt like, after have it seven years sober, that I would like to have an Amaretto. And so I came up with this idea and and and it was like a fullproof hypothesis because I didn't have to prove it until I did. And I made an an assumption in my brain that when I came into the program, which was young, like you, Chris, like twenty one, will both of you guys. But you know, it's amazing. Both these gentlemen came in two thousand one hundred and twenty two and they both have about thirty years now. So anybody that says, or maybe even younger Christian, you were nineteen, you were twenty one and you were twenty one. They both were twenty one. So I mean young people have said well, listen, I oh this is great for you, Antoinette, that's leaving to go back to college tomorrow. These guys are they were twenty one when they came in, almost basically the same age as you, and now they're almost thirty years sober. So they stayed sober all these years. I mean, nobody claps for that. I think that's pretty amazing. I think that's amazing. Right, you're come in, you're come in at that age and everyone saying on, I still got more in me and I'm I've spilled more than you've ever drank. And and these guys said thanks for sharing, and they start and they started doing this program they were, they were instrumental and Ikey pop, which is young people and AA, or they can say keep on, I think it's cold, and keep a ring, and they started young people in a down here. A matter of fact, I saw Chris at a convention of young people in Aa in Manhattan. I went and visited him there, not that I was young people, but if you know young people you can still go. And so they stayed sober all these you we have. We have plenty of chairs, young man, we have plenty of your plenty of chairs. Just come on, plenty of cheers, okay, and they stayed sober the entire time. They're still so there, one white chip. Guys. They're still sober today, thirty years later. I think that's incredible. If there's young people in here tonight, and I know there is, one of them is going back to college tomorrow. You this is a perfect example of where you could see that, one day at a time, with the program of alcoholics anonymous and of course I believe God, that you can stay sober for the rest of your life, regardless of what he had left, regardless of well, Donald, if you can call back, regardless of your age, how young you are, or my dad came in at sixty and now he's twenty seven years does not matter. Yeah, that's all. And my mom's mom was like my mom. Yes, is would. I mean, I've been here for forty four years, where my clap? So regardless of you have to get to this place where you feel your powerless, and in my fifth year of Sobriet, I did not feel I was powerless over alcohol. I believe that I was going to be able to drink socially, some types of drinks, and I knew I was going to be able to drink pictures of comic couse you or Tequil or any that kinds of but I really didn't think that I would be able to have a glass of wine, you know, like a expensive glass of wine, and I didn't know these things expensive. Thank you for you thing to cures by. But it was nice that she got to hear some of that and she called from jail and that's really that. I pray that that even a little bit help. And I decided in my brain that because I came in at twenty one and all I did at college was drink mand of two thousand and twenty and and thunderbird. That was a big drink where I was at. And and then I went right to crack and...

I missed fine wine. I just like I jumped right over fine wine and dumped the jumped right over after dinner drink. There's not a lot of after dinner drinking when you're in college. First of all, they I mean, what are you going to have? KOGNAC with the Raymond Noodles? Going to know? So I thought maybe because I skipped right over that I went straight to the heart stuff, that if I would have stopped at the fancy stuff, I would be able to have a gentleman's type of a life and I talked myself into that and then I now. I say that to say this is that when I tried the gentleman's experiment, which the big book says that you don't feel if you're an alcoholic, you should go out and try some controlled drinking. and to me I figured all drinking was controlled because I did not see myself anymore. I was powerless over alcohol. So I did not envision that I was going to have a problem and I told my parents that. I said to my parents I'm going to drink again, and both my parents said, we don't think it's a good idea. It's not like they freaked out because I was twenty one when I stopped drinking and now I'm thirty one and and I have a new idea, wife and a house, and it's a difference. So they said, we don't think it's a good idea. We think you're taken a serious chance. My wife would never see me take a drink because we got married sober. She said to me, I don't think it's a good idea, and nobody thought it was a good idea. I went to my home group and they definitely didn't think it was a good idea that. There wasn't one person that said, you know, I think there is a great idea this. This sounds like a really intelligent idea. Definitely try it is I mean it's a rive. If I would have been friends with Al Back then, where's out? Yeah, I would have been like, yeah, that's a great idea. She definitely try that. Yeah, he definitely tried, but I didn't know him back then. So everybody across the board said to me, don't do it, and I said thank you for sharing and and I'm going to do it within within one night, and I don't want to make it sound like it was a twenty four hour period, okay, because it wasn't. Within fifteen minutes I drank and took Zannen's. That's an x from the street, like going you junkies. I had a prescription, okay, because I was I was nervous. Okay, I was a nervous recovering person and when you shoot as much steroids as I was shooting and recovery, you get very nervous. So you need to takes. That's so I was very unstable. Okay, I was big, but I was unstable. So I and and and I never consider that a relapse because steroids is like a gray area. Yeah, I was buying it from a guy named Julio at the gym, but but I thought it as a gray area. And and my prescription. That was legal. That was legal. That was definitely legal. I'm not saying it was legal to take it in the amounts I was taking it, but it was totally a legal prescription. I didn't go to the streets for my stuff, like some you people did. Within within five minutes of me having a glass and find Japanese rice wine in a box. Within five minutes. I accompanied that with a for of the little zannies that I had because someone said if you have those, if you put for them together, that they equal one, and that made sense to me. So I put four together to make one and seven years without a drink, my first fifteen minutes out of on the floor because I wasn't used to drugs and alcohol together. I did. I saw it on the on the bottle that you shouldn't do it together, but I had not had experience with it in a long time. You know, and so out right on the floor. My wife had to revive me and I should have known then that this could go wrong, right, but let's we should know that and this is probably not going to go well for us, right. But no, we try as best as we can. We mix differently. We said only alcohol, you know, only fermented, nonfermented, you...

...know, only in the morning, only at night, just anex without. So I started to see that xenix with alcohol would be a problem. So and I didn't want to have a problem. So I stopped with the alcohol. I said, you know, this is not good and I want to go back to AA. So I just stayed on the Zen ends. But you know, you only get one prescription legally when you're when you're thirty and you don't have real series mental problems. So then, of course, then I had to go to Julio from the gym to see if he had ends. And so I'm coming to meetings whacked. I'm going to the twelve step house whacked. My Poor Dad's taking me and the he's I'm whacked, you know, I'm drooling and and people took me outside, Wendy specifically. She took me outside. So she said because she was a nurse, she is a nurse, or she wasn't nurse, and she took me outside and she said, you know, something's wrong, something very wrong, and I really couldn't see it. I tell you that because when it comes to the second step, coming to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity, well, we have to at least know that we are insane. To be restored back to sanity we have to want to change. I don't want to change. I was changing all the chemicals around. You know, I tried pot one time. That seemed like a terrible experience because you know, pot empty you've been in the program for for a long time, which at that time I was. I was in the program, it was turned out, was in the program ten years. You when you haven't had pot ten years, and then you have seven years of Aa and and then another year and a half of a and then you go to small pots. Not like you just like Oh yeah, this is so great. You're like, should I be doing this? Is Anybody looking at me this? Maybe you know? And then you have like a terrible conversation. They it's ruined. It's really ruined. It's a ruin. You ruin, a ruined your pot smoking experience. It just ruined. Okay, so that that that didn't go. Check. Check, get that off the list. Try Some hallucine ejins. And now that you know Hallucinagins, when you're in your s and you go to a club and everyone's, you know, throwing their head up and down and you're I think I saw a Michael at the copra once and I'm going like this and and and everybody's looking at you like you know, you you're too old for this. So you too old for we're in our S. okay, you, this is not your scene and that no good. That didn't work out for me right and then, and then one night, you know what happened? Any one night I was I was whacked after the Copa and and I came in and to my work. I know this is hard for you to hear, mom, the truth, because it's not good, you know, and this is alcoholics noms. I'm not going to make this a whole. I promise good, great, after this, no one drug right now. I just want to just need to tell your stories. As I come to work, I'm going I walk by the Hair Salon, at my at the flea market, and and and there's my friend. He goes, he goes chilly, looks terrible. And I said, had a long night. I told him about this substance that I had tried which keeps you up all nine, supposed to be a love Dru all night you, my head was bopping, I sweat all over myself. I'm hanging out with these young chipper chippers and I'm and I'm and he goes. You know why? He goes, honey, what you need a little Tina. I don't know what it goes. If you just take a little team that you be fine, honey, don't worry. He need took his little cute fingernail and he puts a little in the little baggie and it gave me a little Tina. Just got I go wow, and and I don't that's some of them. I will listen. I will listen. That can't be cocaine. I used to have a terrible problem with cocaine, because that's not cocaine. I never give you cocaine. His team now go. That seemed fine. It's not like it had a problem. You know, it's not like it was from the store and it said this is Tina, this is fine. It was a bag with a finger nail and you know, and I started out with Tina and the next thing you know, I'm around for a load of down and and I got beat by iical around town and and I'm hanging out of the hanging outside of gate nightclubs and I'm like, anybody got a Tina please? Could you throw me a little tea over here? Who are the...

...rough? Rough, rough time, rough time. So so now I'm addicted to Tina and and all I wanted to do was have a glass of wine. You know, I'm gonna Happen after tea drink. I'm hanging outside of gate nightclubs. Hey, maybe I got seems a Tina. It went down fast. Went down fast. Okay, the whole life just discombobulated. So I figured I just I get right back in. And so before my parents came down, I started going to meetings again and I'd get to Thursday and then and then I'd have an excuse to go. I you know, I just couldn't get back in. But now I realize that I'm insane, that I have insane behavior, and now I start reaching out for help and and and now my family intervenes. Is Eleven. They come down in and they they intercede on my behalf. Now, what happened was I went back to my original drug choice, which I'm not going to get into that as no, there's no funny stories about it. My Wife, my beautiful, brand new wife. What I mean by how to say that the right way, because when every time I say brand new, it makes it sound like I get him a lot. This is the same wife I had then as the said wife had now. I don't know what when I say new wife, it seems like I have one differ one now. It's just I've only had one wife for twenty years that this is the same wife I'm referring to now. I was just recently married to my new wife and and she just couldn't take it salade. She couldn't take the insanity of our home. She married Sober Steve. She married go to the Jim Steve. She married him were as Steve, which means I was a I was a I was a good fiance at hold the door open and I believed in taking care of a family and bringing her family to Walt Disney world. She was from, she is from Columbia, or family's from Columbia. I really I was a good guy. She married a good guy and within a year and a half of our marriage, within one and a half years, she got a bum and she got insanity Chin sign up for incentage. She's I was a good guy that that stood by her and and went to Columbia and and had her family, themb to stay with us and and took care of her parents like that were my parents. And within a year and a half she had to flee the country, and this is not a joke. She fled the United States before eleven, obviously not knowing, and while she was there, nine hundred and eleven happened and there was so worried for me and Columbia because that the whole world was talking about the United States and my family. We just lost my sister, lost her closest friend in the whole world in the towers, and so they couldn't fly down to Florida to see what happened to their son, their only son. That was so what'sober seven years. They couldn't fly down, so they had to drive down and my wife was in Colombia and she's like thirty one or thirty years old. And and she rushes back to the United States to see what's going on with me, because she could see something's wrong and my parents aren't telling her that I'm destroyed the house. My parents didn't tell her that I literally destroyed the House in my paranoia, delusions, total destruction, because I'm not a guy that like uses and like talk to myself into bed and like, you know, like waits for tomorrow. I'm a guy that uses and knows that at any time the entire police force is rushing into the house like within seconds. I don't know how they find out so fast. They they just always came rushed my house and and and I and I hear them. I hear them on Walkie Talkies, I hear my speakers, I hear him in the bushes. I know they've surrounded the house. And and and what am I going to do? So I pull a...

...picture off the wall, I punch a hole in the wall, I take my stuff and I stash it in the wall and I put the picture up and I sit in front of the television and I act like I'm watching TV. So when they come in, there's the ones that're going to be embarrassed because I'm just watching TV. I probably have a lawsuit against them. And I just sit there, you know, sweat just pouring off my head and I'm just watching TV and I will what do you but I want to say them, why are you barget in here just watching TV? And but they don't come in, and and then I and then I as I come down, I realize no one's coming in, and then I go to get my stuff and then I realized the wall, as you know, Michael, it is hollow. It's not like a safe I it to me it looks like I say, you put the stuff in, it looks like it should be there. And I take the picture off to get my set. It's gone. It's falling down to the bottom of that wall. I'm not just going to leave it at the bottom of the wall. It's now time to take down the wall. The Wall comes down. By the time my parents come to see the house, a lot of walls were not their mom plus, because I was also interlining this with Tina, I would also have have these amazing ideas on how to do my business and I would go to office depot and spend thousands at night and by all these gadgets that in the morning was going to make sense and I was going to take over the industrial world with my new inventions. But in the morning I forgot why I had bought all these electronics. So when my parents walked into the house, it might tell the truth, the entire table was full of brand new, old, unopened electronics, and then all the wires that coincide with trying to set up the electronics from the night before. Thousands of wires which, while I'm color coding them with Tinfoil, seems like it makes sense. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I am a sauce, it's me, but this is how it was. This is how it was. It wasn't funny, it was disastrous. My wife leaves the country and then she comes back on her birthday, not on her birthday, but on the week like right, it surrounded her birthday. And and she calls and she's a sweetheart. I'm here in the Miami Airport. It's a true store, my dad tell you, just like it. And and and I can't stop doing what I'm doing. I can't stop. I want to, I want to put down the stuff and I want to get in the car and I want to drive to my my my new wife that's just the most beautiful, loving, caring, honest person, and I want to show up at the airport for her and I want to show up clear eyed and I want to pick her up and I want to show her that everything's okay. And if my parents would help me clean up the house every single morning and we would take all the Paraphernali and we put it into shopping bag and we'd bring it to the public's and we get the house cleaned up, and I wanted to show her that I was okay, but I couldn't stop. And she called me back an hour later. She was honey, I'm still here at the airport. What's going on? I said, I'll be right there and I was a bum. She married sober Steve That went to the gym and she got a bump and then, and then I call my dad, my sixty my sixty six year old dad, a sixty eight year old, and I said, Dad, can you go down to the airport and Pick Up Sandy? He says why? I said because I've been in a car accident, and so my dad's got to get in the car. He thinks his sons in a car accident. He goes down to pick up my wife in the airport. It's three hours she's been waiting there. She comes home. It's my dad, my mom and my...

...wife and my house. I come home two days later in Melissa like look, you know, like I haven't showered you two days. I'm like two days after the birthday. Now the balloon is like half heliumed and I walk in like happy their day, and my wife is just sitting there like she's in tears, like what's wrong? You see, that's what that's what alcohol does to me. I have this illusion that I'm going to sit at a Mahogany bar with a leather at t as shade case. I don't own it, leather. I'd take Shakase, but if I went back to drink and I would buy one, I wouldn't have anything in it, but I would sit at a bar, Mahogany Bar, with other lawyers, not that I'm a lawyer, but I would. I would sit with other lawyers and and and we would talk about politics. I don't know about politics, but I would. I would learn just enough to talk with lawyers that had at ten shade cases and I would I would sit next to them and then we would we just disco US intelligent things. But really what I am as a guy that thinks the police are going to rush in at any time to his house. And when I see a carpet in the middle of the floor, I rushed the carpet, I hold the ends, I rolled myself up in the carpet and I hide in the corner in the carpet like a dead person that you would if you are killing someone, and I hide there to the police have left and I think it's the ingenious hiding place and they could never find me. So I want to be of I want to be a wine connoisseur and and really what I am is just a just a garden variety drunk. And so I got to get sober. So my parents bring me to a treatment center and they and they pay for seven weeks for me to go, with a family pace for seven weeks for me to go. And I go down there and I last five minutes after the treatment center, five minutes after seven weeks of treatment. I smoked five dollars worth of drugs five minutes after the treat sent and then they brought drop me off at bark and then bark won't take me. Then they bring me to the fore load of the hospital and I do six days in the fore load of hospital. First in the good wing, which is the which is the chemical dependency wing. That's where you start off. And there was a good wing and other people that were trying to get sober and they brought meetings in there and I was the good wing and I made it a couple weeks and then I relapsed again and then they bring me over there to the to the chemical the Pencie, and then, and then I graduate to the psychiatric floor. Now I'm hanging out with this psychiat now I've got paper slippers, I got a gown that's not matching in the back. I I'm making Google eyes at a girl with schizophreny and thinks she's hot as hots for me because she's talking. I think she's talking to me. I got my own issues, so I think this could be the one. This could be my soul mate. She got the same gown, she's got the same slippers. I think maybe this could work. And then in Walks Jeff Weinstein to the psychiatric floor and Jeff wants. He says to me. He says, would you like to come live with my halfway house? Your family sent me here, my parents sent them. I said no, I don't want this is a true star. I know it's gonna sound like I made south, but at Alte is a true or not. I said, Jeff, I owned a full house in Hollywood. I'm not an interest in your Hawey, I'm a full house right down the street. And he says to me, shows me the restraining order that my wife has with on against me and and shows me I'm not going home tomorrow. He says me, you're about to be homeless tomorrow. And and I do want to be honest with you, I'm afraid of homelessness. Okay, I'm not afraid of homelessness when I'm on a run, but when I got five days...

...from four days sober and I'm in and I've been eating and I'm showering and using the tour of the trees and you tell me homeless, is Deffrey to me out? Okay, I'm not. I'll go. So I said to Jeff, can you please tell me about your program is? It sounds very good. Let me hear about and and I go and I go to Liberty House. Now, the reason I'm telling you the story is the first morning living there, I go to a meeting cold victory, which is an a meeting, victory, one of the oldest a meetings in Broward County, and I meet that man right there. And Victory Meeting Eddie right there with the blue shirt on. And well, it's at the sunstrained canthings are now, but it used to be on the right off of a broward and third avenue and what's in fifth and third and and he's there and I'm there and we both raise our hand from to thirty days and it was so cool because he had some time and I had some time when we meet each other and and then I go home to the Halfway House that night and he's my new roommate. We didn't know that and that's and that's where we start our friendship. And today, just to show you how God works these amazing miracles, today you were there, guns are and then too there. Today we went to the victory meeting with my dad, because my dad has been coming there with me for fifteen years now and and we gave each other an eighteen year medallions. So we you may have some people in your house and we didn't always like each other. Okay, Eddie very dramatic, and I and and, Oh yeah, you are a drama I don't want to say it, definitely use a drama person and and and I'm a highly emotional also. So the two of us together, we didn't always get along, but we've been leaving the closest of friends, myself at Eddie and Mason for the last eighteen years. And this would happened. So I thirty years. I'm thirty days clean, right, thirty days clean, and it's eight fifteen am and I'm looking at my watch and I realize Eddie and Mason are not going to be back to like four five, and I got a lot of time to get loaded and and to and to bring myself down and shower and and shave and and it maybe take a nap and by the time they come home I'll just be like hey, how's your day? And nobody don't know any different. But but I got one problem. I'm also a guy that doesn't go on a run when I'm broke. I know some of you do that. I applaud you, and you go I'm run to nothing. I think that's amazing. You go with like a shoe. What did you got it he going to run? He had a shoot. How far can you go on to shoe they made work. But I'm a guy that needs to have some some some juice behind me before I before I destroy my life. So I break the restraining order and I call my wife and I say, sweetheart, he already knows that the B s anything I have to sweetheart, when you go up what is fully going to be a BS storm. And I go sweet, already the Samsun I had three hundred. So I can call my sponsor in California and it's a hundred ninety nine and she says hold on and she puts me on hold because I think she's checking the bank account. She actually joined the program of Alan on while I was in detox and treatment. My mother coach to go to Alan on. I first of all, she never asked my epision permission to go to Allan. She just started going behind my back and and what happened was she got one of these sponsors that told her to give me the money. Joking, relieved, my wife sponsor told her to give me a hundred nine out. They set me up, these people in Allani. They set me up because because they wanted to see if I was full of poopy because my wife, because my mom and my dad, had...

...brought my wife, Sandra, to get divorce papers drawn up already. They had the divorce papers and and her sponsor said, give him the money, let's see if the bum's a liar right now. Give him the money. And they gave me the money. They put it on my card. But the craziest thing happened, Andrew, the craziest thing happened. I just got this sponsor, Jerry Bear, right after Myron, the Locksmith of Broward County, may God rest his soul. He just passed away with forty years of sobriety, six within the last six months. Is a great man. I got myself the sponsor Jerry Bear, and he said you're going to start praying on your knees in in the morning and you are going to pray in your knees at night, but you are going to pray in a way that you're going to beg God to keep you clean and sober and you're going to thank him at night like you're grateful that he invited you to the table of sobriety. Because if you came into my house and and you sat at my table and you grab food and you didn't say please and you got up from that table and you left and you didn't say thank you, do you think I'd ever invite you back to my house again for dinner? And I said no, of course not. He said. So why would God want to invite you into his world of sobriety and you have no gratitude and and you didn't say please? Why would you invite you back tomorrow? and to me that made sense. So listen to the insanity of my life, of the two people that live in me that I know about. I'm sure there's a lot more, but the two that I know, there's good Steve and there's evil Steve, there's sober Steve and there's getting wax team, and who I feed lives and who I starve dies. And I had gotten on my knees that morning and I ask God to keep me clean and sober and I got off my knees and I plan to run. It is not amazing. So I get on my knees and I say to God, God keep me clean and sober. But as my knees are forty five degree angle, I plan on getting drunk. There's going to be a time when you're going to have to make a decision that you're either in or you're out. Just because you have the desire to use doesn't mean you need to. I'm sure that these two young men here that are you know, they're still young, but not as young as they used to be. I'm sure that in the last thirty years they've had left plenty of times. I know my very I know both of them have. They've lost fair dads and wives and and and jobs. I've been there with them through a lot of that stuff. So I'm sure that they had the thought of drinking, the thought of drinking, but the thought of drinking is not enough to actually put the drink in your hand and it's certainly not enough for you to take the drink, because it's only a thought, just like put the drink down is just a thought. But I didn't care. Acted out on it and I knew I called my wife, she gave me a hundred nine nine dollars and I rushed down to the sprint store on a federal highway in Brower Boulevard and I said to the guy behind the counter, I need to be out of here in fifteen minutes. Give me the cheapest cell phone you have, and drew says to me, Stevie B it's so good to see you. We saw you yesterday of victory. Welcome back, we missed you. And See, God intervened in my life, even though I had planned on getting loaded, but I had previously prayed, and even though my plans were to get devastated, his plans were to bring me the Saturday and he sends through in my life. Who I just texted today and said, drew, I just picked up my eighteen year and down I just want to thank you for taking me outside eighteen years ago. And See, God intervened on my behalf without me even knowing who he was. And guess what I got when that happened? Guess what I had, because all I could think about Tommy for the first ninety days was I thought of three things. That my drugg a choice, which I'm not going to mention, suicide because I knew I would never make it, and drinking, and I knew that the only thing I have. I have that type of suicide bent in me so that I'm not that's not a common thing. I'm not saying. You might say, well, I never thought of suicide. You may not have that bent. Okay, you may have homicide been I see some of you and here they look more like homicide people. I'm more of a suicide people. But so for the first ninety days all I could do...

...was think about those three things. But at that moment when drew said to me, welcome back, we saw you yesterday in victory and it was a guy from the sprint store that said it to me, and it wasn't a guy in a a. immediately what washed down into me was hope. You See, hope is not the evidence of things see. Hope is what is not seen. It's something that you can't see but you just wish it's going to happen. And I want to tell you where, even if you're thirty years plus sober, do you have things going on yet? It doesn't matter how long is sober. Hopelessness is a very common human condition. You may think, well, when I get a certain amount of time of sobriety, I wouldn't be hopeless anymore. I want to tell you that does. A false hopelessness can creep in your life at any time in your life. But God is a hope dealer. That's right, I said it. Not a dope dealer, he's a hope dealer. He don't give you a little bit of Tino, a little thing and nail and give you a little little taste so that you're running around town that we look at the tail between e leaves. God promises you a life beyond your wildest he's a hope dealer. But what do you how do you buy hope? I'm tell how you buy hope. You buy hope one day to time. You know, to call sense Christ and everything, one day in time. You gotta buy in every day, one at a time. I'm not a gambler. I'm sixteen years off gambling. My Dad is a twenty seven years off gambling. But every single time we start off the day, we get all our hope chips and we push, push them all every morning. Today's the sixteen, I believe, the sixteenth of January, two thousand and two. When we start off in the morning, we get all our hope chips, we sit at the table of God, we get on our knees and we say to God like this, God, what am I going to do today? What am I going to do day, and we take all our hope chips and we just say I'm all in now. I'm not saying that my day was perfect today, because it wasn't. They was parts of my day to day that when you looked over at me, you would say, missee man, he's a spiritual giant. I said, really, he's really connected, like when you saw him in this morning, Nancy, I was, I was. I was on that spiritual high. It was good. Then I went to breakfast with my dad and it was good and jared was good, was good. Everything was going good. Then around one o'clock I want to throw myself over bridge and went right down. I'm sitting off as my head in my hand like I did. Added everything. Just get to this level and then a guy comes in. You God always brings these amazing men in my life and women in my life that'll send me a text or an email or phone call at the exact time I'm thinking what is wrong with my life and someone will come in and say, did you read the touchstones for today? Did you look at page eighty five, maybe six hundred and eighty seven or eighty eight today, did you see where it said upon awakening, we could we review, we think about our plans for the day. Did you see what happened on page sixty three? Did you Steve? You could do and they know what I saw and you know they don't. I know what a page sixty two is, but they just come in right at that moment. And with today it was brandon, a friend of mine, Brandon, and I was sitting all along in my office and my head was in my hands. I didn't think about throwing myself over bridge. Don't just show me, I just head my hand. I'm saying, what am I going to do? This is just I just cannot figure this out. And God sends in one of his warriors into my little office and he's got his little book out and it's just like, did you see this step, I w why, what happened? He goes. Did you see on page sixty two that this is the how or the wire of it? First of all, we had to play put. quit playing God. It didn't work and I'm wanting to send him you know darn will. I know what that Page said, but he but I did it. Just you know, God is in the whole business and you may be in at a place right now where you're in your first ninety, sixteen, six months and you're like, well, how is God going to do with this mess? How is he going to undo this mess? I don't know, but he just does. We know people that can never drive again. They are they that the state of Florida said you have never going to drive again. Your license is permanently removed. You. You, Miss...

Vanessa, had been a person that will never drive a car as long as you live, and that's just the way that is. Next thing you know, see him a couple of years down the road did driving the car. Hey, what I thought? You know, I don't know what something happened. It was a glitch in the system. Just said, you're amazing person giving my license. I have no tickets on the lies. My assurance is only a hundred twenty a month. I got a hold full of car drums right over there, and that happened. Mother happened. State of Florida said I could never adopt a baby. The man called me and said a man like you can never adopt a baby in the state of Florida. We adopted my son on his first day of life. His name is Joshua because in the Bible and says for me and my house, we choose to serve the Lord. And for the last eight years and four months we've had Joshua and and we've chosen to serve the Lord with him, just so God will show off. You see my most beautiful red hair? That's my mother right there. She's seventy six years old, just got forty four years in pro give her around the floor. You see my mom doing for red hair just so God just can show off, just to remind me that he's though all. He's the the power that returns me to sanity. I'm not the one that returns me the Saturday. I'm the one that returns me to insanity. He's the power that returns of it just to show off. Not only did he undo that, I can and adopt in the state of Florida, which I probably still can. I've pat to hit by went today. They say no, you still can. I'm like, but this is my son that like, I don't know how you got just to show off in my life. My son at eight year and eight months of eight months of his life. He brings out the same exact hair color as my mom, just this just of God could just show off. When my mom and my son Walk Everybody says, Oh wow, that's exactly, that's your grandson exactly. Now I can see when my sister comes down here in three weeks with her with her kids, might sum will look exactly like her kids, not with the red hair, but the exactly of the color, of the same freckle, same no, same green eyes, same litter, just so he can, just so God could show off. And then I spend a lot of my time. I'm know about you now. I spend some of my time. I spend some of my time thinking how am I going to buy bread? You know, ridiculous stuff. You know, she ridiculous stuff like like twenty five years from now, how am I going to get bread? You know what guys at listen, just take care of the breakfast this morning, and I'll give an example. This morning. Oh, I thought I had twenty more minutes. Okay, that's fine. That cock stopped in the middle of the meeting. That's fine. Okay, right, a problem. I'm going to tell you a story anyway. This morning. You'll even for a cruise right now. Right now, out right now is see, that's amazing. Leaving tomorrow morning. Ye Oh, that's so great. And you're here. That's a whyn't you speaking? Friday, though? Oh, that's amazing. Is it with snow? Is An a cruise? Oh, the sober sisters cruise. Look, look at the look at the blessing, Mustang, Sally, Nancy. Who else is going? Oh wonderfu Elizabeth's going. All these ladies are going to hang out with a woman that has forty five years of sobriety, that also came in at your age, because she came in a twenty one years old. She's got forty five years. Her name is snow. Her dream wants to travel the world. So she opened up a sober a sober travel business, and she takes sober people all around the world. She's been at almost every country. She's been the Middle East, she's and and this weekend she's going to take the women to a sober sisters and listen this in three weeks ago, at three weeks from now, I'm going with drew right there, drew, on sober brothers, Sober Bol summer bowl crews, with dion that's got fifty three years of survive, so that's been wrong.

Anyway, let me just wrap this whole thing up. God wants to God wants to wow you. You got to get out of the way, and I'm doing say goodbye the dope dealer and say hello to the whope deal I'll see you guys next week. I.

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