AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 22 · 1 year ago

Stevie B Step 2 - Hope Dealer @ Spread The Word Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Can you hear us? Donna?Okay, good, Oh, we're just going to use a first name.But what a beautiful blessing this young ladies listening from jail right now. Andso why don't everybody just say hi, Donna's Guy. That's your blessing downand we prayer that you get some experience of some strength and some hope fromthis. Hi, everybody, my name is Stevie be I'm a grateful recoveringalcoholic and a member of the Golden Text Group in Danny Beach, Florida.Hi, guys, and I saw a dear friend of mine, Chris,that I haven't seen in years. It lives all the way up in NorthFlorida that we haven't seen so other since the funeral, since our dear dearfriend Tony, may God rest is made. Me Rest in peace with the howmany years of Tony Go to the Lord with? Forty years, youthink? Forty eight years? Forty eight years, Tony Ol Tarill, probablywatching us from the big meeting in the sky, and and Donna watching usfrom the the meeting down here, the big house. And Donna, you'vebeen sober though. You doing good over there. phraise God. Well,tonight we're going to be talking about the second step and hope. And firstof all, Tammy can't be here with US tonight. Tammy Joe, whichis Tommy's fiance. I'm sure your mom knows right, I didn't break thePan Anaby there about if you didn't know, he got engaged. Okay, mom, but she can't be here with us because she just had surgery whenshe's the really the backbone of this meeting, and so she wants to be here. So we're going to make sure that we take this or that shegets it. She's recovering from very extensive knee surgery that she just had twodays ago and just yesterday, I'm sorry, just yesterday, today, Monday,Monday, just couple days ago. So hopefully she's going to get somejuice from this. We talk about God tonight. I'll talk about God,Tome, we're going to talk about God tonight. So eighteen years ago whenI was in a recovery House with that gentleman right there, Eddie, whojust celebrated eighteen years this week on January. Thirteen nights. Eddie and Mason,our other roommate that can't be here tonight because he's got a cold orsome pretty sickness. And they went off to work and I was looking atmy watch and it was a quarter to nine am and I came up withthis amazing plans. He had thirty days of sobriety and I had hit somevery serious bottoms. I had, I don't know you know this, becauseI had seven years and and I thought that I could drink. I knewthat if I never went back to drugs I had, I had drugs inthe category of murder and I knew that if I never went back to drugsI would be fine. I mean I had it clear set in my mindthat drugs were bad and alcohol probably bad, but I didn't feel I was Iwas powerless over alcohol anymore. Round my fifth year of Sobriety I decidedthat if I went, if I left alcoholics anonyms and I drank expensive wines, fine ones, I if ire, if I drank expensive CONACS, butnot like alcoholically, like if I had a drink and Afton didn't drill Italian. I'm half Jewish and have Atalian. We have after Jinna drinks in bothreligions. It's really a very good thing we have and I decided that atin my fifth year of Sobriety, that that someday I would be able todrink it. After Jinna Dr I fantasize that I would be able to have. was that one drink that I wanted to have. Italian after drink,dinner drink. Not, not SAMBUCA,...

Amaretto. WHO said that? Yes, Amaretto, exactly one of them right. I wanted I just I just feltlike, after have it seven years sober, that I would like tohave an Amaretto. And so I came up with this idea and and andit was like a fullproof hypothesis because I didn't have to prove it until Idid. And I made an an assumption in my brain that when I cameinto the program, which was young, like you, Chris, like twentyone, will both of you guys. But you know, it's amazing.Both these gentlemen came in two thousand one hundred and twenty two and they bothhave about thirty years now. So anybody that says, or maybe even youngerChristian, you were nineteen, you were twenty one and you were twenty one. They both were twenty one. So I mean young people have said well, listen, I oh this is great for you, Antoinette, that's leavingto go back to college tomorrow. These guys are they were twenty one whenthey came in, almost basically the same age as you, and now they'realmost thirty years sober. So they stayed sober all these years. I mean, nobody claps for that. I think that's pretty amazing. I think that'samazing. Right, you're come in, you're come in at that age andeveryone saying on, I still got more in me and I'm I've spilled morethan you've ever drank. And and these guys said thanks for sharing, andthey start and they started doing this program they were, they were instrumental andIkey pop, which is young people and AA, or they can say keepon, I think it's cold, and keep a ring, and they startedyoung people in a down here. A matter of fact, I saw Chrisat a convention of young people in Aa in Manhattan. I went and visitedhim there, not that I was young people, but if you know youngpeople you can still go. And so they stayed sober all these you wehave. We have plenty of chairs, young man, we have plenty ofyour plenty of chairs. Just come on, plenty of cheers, okay, andthey stayed sober the entire time. They're still so there, one whitechip. Guys. They're still sober today, thirty years later. I think that'sincredible. If there's young people in here tonight, and I know thereis, one of them is going back to college tomorrow. You this isa perfect example of where you could see that, one day at a time, with the program of alcoholics anonymous and of course I believe God, thatyou can stay sober for the rest of your life, regardless of what hehad left, regardless of well, Donald, if you can call back, regardlessof your age, how young you are, or my dad came inat sixty and now he's twenty seven years does not matter. Yeah, that'sall. And my mom's mom was like my mom. Yes, is would. I mean, I've been here for forty four years, where my clap? So regardless of you have to get to this place where you feel yourpowerless, and in my fifth year of Sobriet, I did not feel Iwas powerless over alcohol. I believe that I was going to be able todrink socially, some types of drinks, and I knew I was going tobe able to drink pictures of comic couse you or Tequil or any that kindsof but I really didn't think that I would be able to have a glassof wine, you know, like a expensive glass of wine, and Ididn't know these things expensive. Thank you for you thing to cures by.But it was nice that she got to hear some of that and she calledfrom jail and that's really that. I pray that that even a little bithelp. And I decided in my brain that because I came in at twentyone and all I did at college was drink mand of two thousand and twentyand and thunderbird. That was a big drink where I was at. Andand then I went right to crack and...

I missed fine wine. I justlike I jumped right over fine wine and dumped the jumped right over after dinnerdrink. There's not a lot of after dinner drinking when you're in college.First of all, they I mean, what are you going to have?KOGNAC with the Raymond Noodles? Going to know? So I thought maybe becauseI skipped right over that I went straight to the heart stuff, that ifI would have stopped at the fancy stuff, I would be able to have agentleman's type of a life and I talked myself into that and then Inow. I say that to say this is that when I tried the gentleman'sexperiment, which the big book says that you don't feel if you're an alcoholic, you should go out and try some controlled drinking. and to me Ifigured all drinking was controlled because I did not see myself anymore. I waspowerless over alcohol. So I did not envision that I was going to havea problem and I told my parents that. I said to my parents I'm goingto drink again, and both my parents said, we don't think it'sa good idea. It's not like they freaked out because I was twenty onewhen I stopped drinking and now I'm thirty one and and I have a newidea, wife and a house, and it's a difference. So they said, we don't think it's a good idea. We think you're taken a serious chance. My wife would never see me take a drink because we got marriedsober. She said to me, I don't think it's a good idea,and nobody thought it was a good idea. I went to my home group andthey definitely didn't think it was a good idea that. There wasn't oneperson that said, you know, I think there is a great idea this. This sounds like a really intelligent idea. Definitely try it is I mean it'sa rive. If I would have been friends with Al Back then,where's out? Yeah, I would have been like, yeah, that's agreat idea. She definitely try that. Yeah, he definitely tried, butI didn't know him back then. So everybody across the board said to me, don't do it, and I said thank you for sharing and and I'mgoing to do it within within one night, and I don't want to make itsound like it was a twenty four hour period, okay, because itwasn't. Within fifteen minutes I drank and took Zannen's. That's an x fromthe street, like going you junkies. I had a prescription, okay,because I was I was nervous. Okay, I was a nervous recovering person andwhen you shoot as much steroids as I was shooting and recovery, youget very nervous. So you need to takes. That's so I was veryunstable. Okay, I was big, but I was unstable. So Iand and and I never consider that a relapse because steroids is like a grayarea. Yeah, I was buying it from a guy named Julio at thegym, but but I thought it as a gray area. And and myprescription. That was legal. That was legal. That was definitely legal.I'm not saying it was legal to take it in the amounts I was takingit, but it was totally a legal prescription. I didn't go to thestreets for my stuff, like some you people did. Within within five minutesof me having a glass and find Japanese rice wine in a box. Withinfive minutes. I accompanied that with a for of the little zannies that Ihad because someone said if you have those, if you put for them together,that they equal one, and that made sense to me. So Iput four together to make one and seven years without a drink, my firstfifteen minutes out of on the floor because I wasn't used to drugs and alcoholtogether. I did. I saw it on the on the bottle that youshouldn't do it together, but I had not had experience with it in along time. You know, and so out right on the floor. Mywife had to revive me and I should have known then that this could gowrong, right, but let's we should know that and this is probably notgoing to go well for us, right. But no, we try as bestas we can. We mix differently. We said only alcohol, you know, only fermented, nonfermented, you...

...know, only in the morning,only at night, just anex without. So I started to see that xenixwith alcohol would be a problem. So and I didn't want to have aproblem. So I stopped with the alcohol. I said, you know, thisis not good and I want to go back to AA. So Ijust stayed on the Zen ends. But you know, you only get oneprescription legally when you're when you're thirty and you don't have real series mental problems. So then, of course, then I had to go to Julio fromthe gym to see if he had ends. And so I'm coming to meetings whacked. I'm going to the twelve step house whacked. My Poor Dad's takingme and the he's I'm whacked, you know, I'm drooling and and peopletook me outside, Wendy specifically. She took me outside. So she saidbecause she was a nurse, she is a nurse, or she wasn't nurse, and she took me outside and she said, you know, something's wrong, something very wrong, and I really couldn't see it. I tell youthat because when it comes to the second step, coming to believe that apower greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity, well, we have toat least know that we are insane. To be restored back to sanity wehave to want to change. I don't want to change. I was changingall the chemicals around. You know, I tried pot one time. Thatseemed like a terrible experience because you know, pot empty you've been in the programfor for a long time, which at that time I was. Iwas in the program, it was turned out, was in the program tenyears. You when you haven't had pot ten years, and then you haveseven years of Aa and and then another year and a half of a andthen you go to small pots. Not like you just like Oh yeah,this is so great. You're like, should I be doing this? IsAnybody looking at me this? Maybe you know? And then you have likea terrible conversation. They it's ruined. It's really ruined. It's a ruin. You ruin, a ruined your pot smoking experience. It just ruined.Okay, so that that that didn't go. Check. Check, get that offthe list. Try Some hallucine ejins. And now that you know Hallucinagins,when you're in your s and you go to a club and everyone's,you know, throwing their head up and down and you're I think I sawa Michael at the copra once and I'm going like this and and and everybody'slooking at you like you know, you you're too old for this. Soyou too old for we're in our S. okay, you, this is notyour scene and that no good. That didn't work out for me rightand then, and then one night, you know what happened? Any onenight I was I was whacked after the Copa and and I came in andto my work. I know this is hard for you to hear, mom, the truth, because it's not good, you know, and this is alcoholicsnoms. I'm not going to make this a whole. I promise good, great, after this, no one drug right now. I just wantto just need to tell your stories. As I come to work, I'mgoing I walk by the Hair Salon, at my at the flea market,and and and there's my friend. He goes, he goes chilly, looksterrible. And I said, had a long night. I told him aboutthis substance that I had tried which keeps you up all nine, supposed tobe a love Dru all night you, my head was bopping, I sweatall over myself. I'm hanging out with these young chipper chippers and I'm andI'm and he goes. You know why? He goes, honey, what youneed a little Tina. I don't know what it goes. If youjust take a little team that you be fine, honey, don't worry.He need took his little cute fingernail and he puts a little in the littlebaggie and it gave me a little Tina. Just got I go wow, andand I don't that's some of them. I will listen. I will listen. That can't be cocaine. I used to have a terrible problem withcocaine, because that's not cocaine. I never give you cocaine. His teamnow go. That seemed fine. It's not like it had a problem.You know, it's not like it was from the store and it said thisis Tina, this is fine. It was a bag with a finger nailand you know, and I started out with Tina and the next thing youknow, I'm around for a load of down and and I got beat byiical around town and and I'm hanging out of the hanging outside of gate nightclubsand I'm like, anybody got a Tina please? Could you throw me alittle tea over here? Who are the...

...rough? Rough, rough time,rough time. So so now I'm addicted to Tina and and all I wantedto do was have a glass of wine. You know, I'm gonna Happen aftertea drink. I'm hanging outside of gate nightclubs. Hey, maybe Igot seems a Tina. It went down fast. Went down fast. Okay, the whole life just discombobulated. So I figured I just I get rightback in. And so before my parents came down, I started going tomeetings again and I'd get to Thursday and then and then I'd have an excuseto go. I you know, I just couldn't get back in. Butnow I realize that I'm insane, that I have insane behavior, and nowI start reaching out for help and and and now my family intervenes. IsEleven. They come down in and they they intercede on my behalf. Now, what happened was I went back to my original drug choice, which I'mnot going to get into that as no, there's no funny stories about it.My Wife, my beautiful, brand new wife. What I mean byhow to say that the right way, because when every time I say brandnew, it makes it sound like I get him a lot. This isthe same wife I had then as the said wife had now. I don'tknow what when I say new wife, it seems like I have one differone now. It's just I've only had one wife for twenty years that thisis the same wife I'm referring to now. I was just recently married to mynew wife and and she just couldn't take it salade. She couldn't takethe insanity of our home. She married Sober Steve. She married go tothe Jim Steve. She married him were as Steve, which means I wasa I was a I was a good fiance at hold the door open andI believed in taking care of a family and bringing her family to Walt Disneyworld. She was from, she is from Columbia, or family's from Columbia. I really I was a good guy. She married a good guy and withina year and a half of our marriage, within one and a halfyears, she got a bum and she got insanity Chin sign up for incentage. She's I was a good guy that that stood by her and and wentto Columbia and and had her family, themb to stay with us and andtook care of her parents like that were my parents. And within a yearand a half she had to flee the country, and this is not ajoke. She fled the United States before eleven, obviously not knowing, andwhile she was there, nine hundred and eleven happened and there was so worriedfor me and Columbia because that the whole world was talking about the United Statesand my family. We just lost my sister, lost her closest friend inthe whole world in the towers, and so they couldn't fly down to Floridato see what happened to their son, their only son. That was sowhat'sober seven years. They couldn't fly down, so they had to drive down andmy wife was in Colombia and she's like thirty one or thirty years old. And and she rushes back to the United States to see what's going onwith me, because she could see something's wrong and my parents aren't telling herthat I'm destroyed the house. My parents didn't tell her that I literally destroyedthe House in my paranoia, delusions, total destruction, because I'm not aguy that like uses and like talk to myself into bed and like, youknow, like waits for tomorrow. I'm a guy that uses and knows thatat any time the entire police force is rushing into the house like within seconds. I don't know how they find out so fast. They they just alwayscame rushed my house and and and I and I hear them. I hearthem on Walkie Talkies, I hear my speakers, I hear him in thebushes. I know they've surrounded the house. And and and what am I goingto do? So I pull a...

...picture off the wall, I puncha hole in the wall, I take my stuff and I stash it inthe wall and I put the picture up and I sit in front of thetelevision and I act like I'm watching TV. So when they come in, there'sthe ones that're going to be embarrassed because I'm just watching TV. Iprobably have a lawsuit against them. And I just sit there, you know, sweat just pouring off my head and I'm just watching TV and I willwhat do you but I want to say them, why are you barget inhere just watching TV? And but they don't come in, and and thenI and then I as I come down, I realize no one's coming in,and then I go to get my stuff and then I realized the wall, as you know, Michael, it is hollow. It's not like asafe I it to me it looks like I say, you put the stuffin, it looks like it should be there. And I take the pictureoff to get my set. It's gone. It's falling down to the bottom ofthat wall. I'm not just going to leave it at the bottom ofthe wall. It's now time to take down the wall. The Wall comesdown. By the time my parents come to see the house, a lotof walls were not their mom plus, because I was also interlining this withTina, I would also have have these amazing ideas on how to do mybusiness and I would go to office depot and spend thousands at night and byall these gadgets that in the morning was going to make sense and I wasgoing to take over the industrial world with my new inventions. But in themorning I forgot why I had bought all these electronics. So when my parentswalked into the house, it might tell the truth, the entire table wasfull of brand new, old, unopened electronics, and then all the wiresthat coincide with trying to set up the electronics from the night before. Thousandsof wires which, while I'm color coding them with Tinfoil, seems like itmakes sense. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I am a sauce,it's me, but this is how it was. This is how it was. It wasn't funny, it was disastrous. My wife leaves the country and thenshe comes back on her birthday, not on her birthday, but onthe week like right, it surrounded her birthday. And and she calls andshe's a sweetheart. I'm here in the Miami Airport. It's a true store, my dad tell you, just like it. And and and I can'tstop doing what I'm doing. I can't stop. I want to, Iwant to put down the stuff and I want to get in the car andI want to drive to my my my new wife that's just the most beautiful, loving, caring, honest person, and I want to show up atthe airport for her and I want to show up clear eyed and I wantto pick her up and I want to show her that everything's okay. Andif my parents would help me clean up the house every single morning and wewould take all the Paraphernali and we put it into shopping bag and we'd bringit to the public's and we get the house cleaned up, and I wantedto show her that I was okay, but I couldn't stop. And shecalled me back an hour later. She was honey, I'm still here atthe airport. What's going on? I said, I'll be right there andI was a bum. She married sober Steve That went to the gym andshe got a bump and then, and then I call my dad, mysixty my sixty six year old dad, a sixty eight year old, andI said, Dad, can you go down to the airport and Pick UpSandy? He says why? I said because I've been in a car accident, and so my dad's got to get in the car. He thinks hissons in a car accident. He goes down to pick up my wife inthe airport. It's three hours she's been waiting there. She comes home.It's my dad, my mom and my...

...wife and my house. I comehome two days later in Melissa like look, you know, like I haven't showeredyou two days. I'm like two days after the birthday. Now theballoon is like half heliumed and I walk in like happy their day, andmy wife is just sitting there like she's in tears, like what's wrong?You see, that's what that's what alcohol does to me. I have thisillusion that I'm going to sit at a Mahogany bar with a leather at tas shade case. I don't own it, leather. I'd take Shakase, butif I went back to drink and I would buy one, I wouldn'thave anything in it, but I would sit at a bar, Mahogany Bar, with other lawyers, not that I'm a lawyer, but I would.I would sit with other lawyers and and and we would talk about politics.I don't know about politics, but I would. I would learn just enoughto talk with lawyers that had at ten shade cases and I would I wouldsit next to them and then we would we just disco US intelligent things.But really what I am as a guy that thinks the police are going torush in at any time to his house. And when I see a carpet inthe middle of the floor, I rushed the carpet, I hold theends, I rolled myself up in the carpet and I hide in the cornerin the carpet like a dead person that you would if you are killing someone, and I hide there to the police have left and I think it's theingenious hiding place and they could never find me. So I want to beof I want to be a wine connoisseur and and really what I am isjust a just a garden variety drunk. And so I got to get sober. So my parents bring me to a treatment center and they and they payfor seven weeks for me to go, with a family pace for seven weeksfor me to go. And I go down there and I last five minutesafter the treatment center, five minutes after seven weeks of treatment. I smokedfive dollars worth of drugs five minutes after the treat sent and then they broughtdrop me off at bark and then bark won't take me. Then they bringme to the fore load of the hospital and I do six days in thefore load of hospital. First in the good wing, which is the whichis the chemical dependency wing. That's where you start off. And there wasa good wing and other people that were trying to get sober and they broughtmeetings in there and I was the good wing and I made it a coupleweeks and then I relapsed again and then they bring me over there to theto the chemical the Pencie, and then, and then I graduate to the psychiatricfloor. Now I'm hanging out with this psychiat now I've got paper slippers, I got a gown that's not matching in the back. I I'm makingGoogle eyes at a girl with schizophreny and thinks she's hot as hots for mebecause she's talking. I think she's talking to me. I got my ownissues, so I think this could be the one. This could be mysoul mate. She got the same gown, she's got the same slippers. Ithink maybe this could work. And then in Walks Jeff Weinstein to thepsychiatric floor and Jeff wants. He says to me. He says, wouldyou like to come live with my halfway house? Your family sent me here, my parents sent them. I said no, I don't want this isa true star. I know it's gonna sound like I made south, butat Alte is a true or not. I said, Jeff, I owneda full house in Hollywood. I'm not an interest in your Hawey, I'ma full house right down the street. And he says to me, showsme the restraining order that my wife has with on against me and and showsme I'm not going home tomorrow. He says me, you're about to behomeless tomorrow. And and I do want to be honest with you, I'mafraid of homelessness. Okay, I'm not afraid of homelessness when I'm on arun, but when I got five days...

...from four days sober and I'm inand I've been eating and I'm showering and using the tour of the trees andyou tell me homeless, is Deffrey to me out? Okay, I'm not. I'll go. So I said to Jeff, can you please tell meabout your program is? It sounds very good. Let me hear about andand I go and I go to Liberty House. Now, the reason I'mtelling you the story is the first morning living there, I go to ameeting cold victory, which is an a meeting, victory, one of theoldest a meetings in Broward County, and I meet that man right there.And Victory Meeting Eddie right there with the blue shirt on. And well,it's at the sunstrained canthings are now, but it used to be on theright off of a broward and third avenue and what's in fifth and third andand he's there and I'm there and we both raise our hand from to thirtydays and it was so cool because he had some time and I had sometime when we meet each other and and then I go home to the HalfwayHouse that night and he's my new roommate. We didn't know that and that's andthat's where we start our friendship. And today, just to show youhow God works these amazing miracles, today you were there, guns are andthen too there. Today we went to the victory meeting with my dad,because my dad has been coming there with me for fifteen years now and andwe gave each other an eighteen year medallions. So we you may have some peoplein your house and we didn't always like each other. Okay, Eddievery dramatic, and I and and, Oh yeah, you are a dramaI don't want to say it, definitely use a drama person and and andI'm a highly emotional also. So the two of us together, we didn'talways get along, but we've been leaving the closest of friends, myself atEddie and Mason for the last eighteen years. And this would happened. So Ithirty years. I'm thirty days clean, right, thirty days clean, andit's eight fifteen am and I'm looking at my watch and I realize Eddieand Mason are not going to be back to like four five, and Igot a lot of time to get loaded and and to and to bring myselfdown and shower and and shave and and it maybe take a nap and bythe time they come home I'll just be like hey, how's your day?And nobody don't know any different. But but I got one problem. I'malso a guy that doesn't go on a run when I'm broke. I knowsome of you do that. I applaud you, and you go I'm runto nothing. I think that's amazing. You go with like a shoe.What did you got it he going to run? He had a shoot.How far can you go on to shoe they made work. But I'm aguy that needs to have some some some juice behind me before I before Idestroy my life. So I break the restraining order and I call my wifeand I say, sweetheart, he already knows that the B s anything Ihave to sweetheart, when you go up what is fully going to be aBS storm. And I go sweet, already the Samsun I had three hundred. So I can call my sponsor in California and it's a hundred ninety nineand she says hold on and she puts me on hold because I think she'schecking the bank account. She actually joined the program of Alan on while Iwas in detox and treatment. My mother coach to go to Alan on.I first of all, she never asked my epision permission to go to Allan. She just started going behind my back and and what happened was she gotone of these sponsors that told her to give me the money. Joking,relieved, my wife sponsor told her to give me a hundred nine out.They set me up, these people in Allani. They set me up becausebecause they wanted to see if I was full of poopy because my wife,because my mom and my dad, had...

...brought my wife, Sandra, toget divorce papers drawn up already. They had the divorce papers and and hersponsor said, give him the money, let's see if the bum's a liarright now. Give him the money. And they gave me the money.They put it on my card. But the craziest thing happened, Andrew,the craziest thing happened. I just got this sponsor, Jerry Bear, rightafter Myron, the Locksmith of Broward County, may God rest his soul. Hejust passed away with forty years of sobriety, six within the last sixmonths. Is a great man. I got myself the sponsor Jerry Bear,and he said you're going to start praying on your knees in in the morningand you are going to pray in your knees at night, but you aregoing to pray in a way that you're going to beg God to keep youclean and sober and you're going to thank him at night like you're grateful thathe invited you to the table of sobriety. Because if you came into my houseand and you sat at my table and you grab food and you didn'tsay please and you got up from that table and you left and you didn'tsay thank you, do you think I'd ever invite you back to my houseagain for dinner? And I said no, of course not. He said.So why would God want to invite you into his world of sobriety andyou have no gratitude and and you didn't say please? Why would you inviteyou back tomorrow? and to me that made sense. So listen to theinsanity of my life, of the two people that live in me that Iknow about. I'm sure there's a lot more, but the two that Iknow, there's good Steve and there's evil Steve, there's sober Steve and there'sgetting wax team, and who I feed lives and who I starve dies.And I had gotten on my knees that morning and I ask God to keepme clean and sober and I got off my knees and I plan to run. It is not amazing. So I get on my knees and I sayto God, God keep me clean and sober. But as my knees areforty five degree angle, I plan on getting drunk. There's going to bea time when you're going to have to make a decision that you're either inor you're out. Just because you have the desire to use doesn't mean youneed to. I'm sure that these two young men here that are you know, they're still young, but not as young as they used to be.I'm sure that in the last thirty years they've had left plenty of times.I know my very I know both of them have. They've lost fair dadsand wives and and and jobs. I've been there with them through a lotof that stuff. So I'm sure that they had the thought of drinking,the thought of drinking, but the thought of drinking is not enough to actuallyput the drink in your hand and it's certainly not enough for you to takethe drink, because it's only a thought, just like put the drink down isjust a thought. But I didn't care. Acted out on it andI knew I called my wife, she gave me a hundred nine nine dollarsand I rushed down to the sprint store on a federal highway in Brower Boulevardand I said to the guy behind the counter, I need to be outof here in fifteen minutes. Give me the cheapest cell phone you have,and drew says to me, Stevie B it's so good to see you.We saw you yesterday of victory. Welcome back, we missed you. AndSee, God intervened in my life, even though I had planned on gettingloaded, but I had previously prayed, and even though my plans were toget devastated, his plans were to bring me the Saturday and he sends throughin my life. Who I just texted today and said, drew, Ijust picked up my eighteen year and down I just want to thank you fortaking me outside eighteen years ago. And See, God intervened on my behalfwithout me even knowing who he was. And guess what I got when thathappened? Guess what I had, because all I could think about Tommy forthe first ninety days was I thought of three things. That my drugg achoice, which I'm not going to mention, suicide because I knew I would nevermake it, and drinking, and I knew that the only thing Ihave. I have that type of suicide bent in me so that I'm notthat's not a common thing. I'm not saying. You might say, well, I never thought of suicide. You may not have that bent. Okay, you may have homicide been I see some of you and here they lookmore like homicide people. I'm more of a suicide people. But so forthe first ninety days all I could do...

...was think about those three things.But at that moment when drew said to me, welcome back, we sawyou yesterday in victory and it was a guy from the sprint store that saidit to me, and it wasn't a guy in a a. immediately whatwashed down into me was hope. You See, hope is not the evidenceof things see. Hope is what is not seen. It's something that youcan't see but you just wish it's going to happen. And I want totell you where, even if you're thirty years plus sober, do you havethings going on yet? It doesn't matter how long is sober. Hopelessness isa very common human condition. You may think, well, when I geta certain amount of time of sobriety, I wouldn't be hopeless anymore. Iwant to tell you that does. A false hopelessness can creep in your lifeat any time in your life. But God is a hope dealer. That'sright, I said it. Not a dope dealer, he's a hope dealer. He don't give you a little bit of Tino, a little thing andnail and give you a little little taste so that you're running around town thatwe look at the tail between e leaves. God promises you a life beyond yourwildest he's a hope dealer. But what do you how do you buyhope? I'm tell how you buy hope. You buy hope one day to time. You know, to call sense Christ and everything, one day intime. You gotta buy in every day, one at a time. I'm nota gambler. I'm sixteen years off gambling. My Dad is a twentyseven years off gambling. But every single time we start off the day,we get all our hope chips and we push, push them all every morning. Today's the sixteen, I believe, the sixteenth of January, two thousandand two. When we start off in the morning, we get all ourhope chips, we sit at the table of God, we get on ourknees and we say to God like this, God, what am I going todo today? What am I going to do day, and we takeall our hope chips and we just say I'm all in now. I'm notsaying that my day was perfect today, because it wasn't. They was partsof my day to day that when you looked over at me, you wouldsay, missee man, he's a spiritual giant. I said, really,he's really connected, like when you saw him in this morning, Nancy,I was, I was. I was on that spiritual high. It wasgood. Then I went to breakfast with my dad and it was good andjared was good, was good. Everything was going good. Then around oneo'clock I want to throw myself over bridge and went right down. I'm sittingoff as my head in my hand like I did. Added everything. Justget to this level and then a guy comes in. You God always bringsthese amazing men in my life and women in my life that'll send me atext or an email or phone call at the exact time I'm thinking what iswrong with my life and someone will come in and say, did you readthe touchstones for today? Did you look at page eighty five, maybe sixhundred and eighty seven or eighty eight today, did you see where it said uponawakening, we could we review, we think about our plans for theday. Did you see what happened on page sixty three? Did you Steve? You could do and they know what I saw and you know they don't. I know what a page sixty two is, but they just come inright at that moment. And with today it was brandon, a friend ofmine, Brandon, and I was sitting all along in my office and myhead was in my hands. I didn't think about throwing myself over bridge.Don't just show me, I just head my hand. I'm saying, whatam I going to do? This is just I just cannot figure this out. And God sends in one of his warriors into my little office and he'sgot his little book out and it's just like, did you see this step, I w why, what happened? He goes. Did you see onpage sixty two that this is the how or the wire of it? Firstof all, we had to play put. quit playing God. It didn't workand I'm wanting to send him you know darn will. I know whatthat Page said, but he but I did it. Just you know,God is in the whole business and you may be in at a place rightnow where you're in your first ninety, sixteen, six months and you're like, well, how is God going to do with this mess? How ishe going to undo this mess? I don't know, but he just does. We know people that can never drive again. They are they that thestate of Florida said you have never going to drive again. Your license ispermanently removed. You. You, Miss...

Vanessa, had been a person thatwill never drive a car as long as you live, and that's just theway that is. Next thing you know, see him a couple of years downthe road did driving the car. Hey, what I thought? Youknow, I don't know what something happened. It was a glitch in the system. Just said, you're amazing person giving my license. I have notickets on the lies. My assurance is only a hundred twenty a month.I got a hold full of car drums right over there, and that happened. Mother happened. State of Florida said I could never adopt a baby.The man called me and said a man like you can never adopt a babyin the state of Florida. We adopted my son on his first day oflife. His name is Joshua because in the Bible and says for me andmy house, we choose to serve the Lord. And for the last eightyears and four months we've had Joshua and and we've chosen to serve the Lordwith him, just so God will show off. You see my most beautifulred hair? That's my mother right there. She's seventy six years old, justgot forty four years in pro give her around the floor. You seemy mom doing for red hair just so God just can show off, justto remind me that he's though all. He's the the power that returns meto sanity. I'm not the one that returns me the Saturday. I'm theone that returns me to insanity. He's the power that returns of it justto show off. Not only did he undo that, I can and adoptin the state of Florida, which I probably still can. I've pat tohit by went today. They say no, you still can. I'm like,but this is my son that like, I don't know how you got justto show off in my life. My son at eight year and eightmonths of eight months of his life. He brings out the same exact haircolor as my mom, just this just of God could just show off.When my mom and my son Walk Everybody says, Oh wow, that's exactly, that's your grandson exactly. Now I can see when my sister comes downhere in three weeks with her with her kids, might sum will look exactlylike her kids, not with the red hair, but the exactly of thecolor, of the same freckle, same no, same green eyes, samelitter, just so he can, just so God could show off. Andthen I spend a lot of my time. I'm know about you now. Ispend some of my time. I spend some of my time thinking howam I going to buy bread? You know, ridiculous stuff. You know, she ridiculous stuff like like twenty five years from now, how am Igoing to get bread? You know what guys at listen, just take careof the breakfast this morning, and I'll give an example. This morning.Oh, I thought I had twenty more minutes. Okay, that's fine.That cock stopped in the middle of the meeting. That's fine. Okay,right, a problem. I'm going to tell you a story anyway. Thismorning. You'll even for a cruise right now. Right now, out rightnow is see, that's amazing. Leaving tomorrow morning. Ye Oh, that'sso great. And you're here. That's a whyn't you speaking? Friday,though? Oh, that's amazing. Is it with snow? Is An acruise? Oh, the sober sisters cruise. Look, look at the look atthe blessing, Mustang, Sally, Nancy. Who else is going?Oh wonderfu Elizabeth's going. All these ladies are going to hang out with awoman that has forty five years of sobriety, that also came in at your age, because she came in a twenty one years old. She's got fortyfive years. Her name is snow. Her dream wants to travel the world. So she opened up a sober a sober travel business, and she takessober people all around the world. She's been at almost every country. She'sbeen the Middle East, she's and and this weekend she's going to take thewomen to a sober sisters and listen this in three weeks ago, at threeweeks from now, I'm going with drew right there, drew, on soberbrothers, Sober Bol summer bowl crews, with dion that's got fifty three yearsof survive, so that's been wrong.

Anyway, let me just wrap thiswhole thing up. God wants to God wants to wow you. You gotto get out of the way, and I'm doing say goodbye the dope dealerand say hello to the whope deal I'll see you guys next week. I.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (94)