AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 19 · 1 year ago

Stevie B @ Homestead Group 70th Anniversary 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Hi Everybody, my name is SteveBmrecovering, Alcoholic Meer, the Golden Text Group in DaniyBeach Florida as graight to be here with you guys this Io sa this, a wildgroup. Okay, I don't know what's going on at this table right here, but its o Latinos are really wild. I go SHAQIRA and it was hot, but thisis hot her you know before I get into my talk Ijust want to. I want to say one thing. Nineteen years ago I had just had seven years of sobriety and I was in an Intergroup in Browardand they did a sobriety countdown, and I was the guy that received thebook. But what I want to say is I wasn't serious. I was there. I had just had seven years. I juststarted drinking. My wife thought it would be good if sheyou know, took me there to see if it would take, because these were all myfriends, because only people I knew in Aa were people in Brow were in AA. Sothe brook she broke me to the the dinner theinte group dinner in themiddle of my drinking, and so of course I won AI was drinking and so to see. I know that and so tosee tonight a person that has a sincere desire tostop drinking and then to see you receive the book. You know and the really the truth ofthe matter. S and you are the most important person in this room and weall are be praying for you because a as this fine gentleman said this is anamazing way of life, and so I'm very grateful that that guy,that's going to talk with you now is not the guy that was still drinkingduring the intergrout dinner nineteen years ago. My sobriety is January.Third, two thousand and two and I've been in a twenty seven years. I came in very young. I came in totwenty one years old lot of noys going on him. He's gonna do the Best Egan and I came in to Aa by a way of a Treatment Sen, I'mfrom Long Island, New York, and just just in that you see what Wat somepeople cheerd, because people from Long Island really feel like the entireplanet and solar systems censers around Mongow, and I certainly did. Icertainly did think that everyone was either from New York or not from NewYork. I didn't think there was other states in between and I come from, a half Jewish halfCatholic background, which is which is very confusing because- and both sideswere very both, so they were very Jewish and also very Italian and my andwhen you're a kid, if you don't know the difference and you praise the Lordon the wrong day, you know when the Jews are there, you know you get the fron, you Kn, Ilike praise Jesus and my Jewish Fanin Lik. No, no, we don't do that. ONMFRIDINO! So a lot of ants growing up. We call itOjida and Italian a lot of a lot of mixed feelings. I believe that I hadalcoholism before I took my first drink. I believe that alcoholism is not hasanything to do with drinking it's what I did to treat what was going onalcohol treated my alcoholism. I felt wristless irritable discontent that UNhappy with my life eway before I took a Persta, and I'm going to give youexamples tonight of that will prove that, and I knew that my problem was myfamily background. I knew my problem was that I didn't have brothers andI'll explain that to in my in my neighborhood, everything is separated in blocxs anddepending on who your brothers are is depending on the juice you get in theneighborhood, so most of the kids in my block they had three brothers, themondingers had three brothers, the wagonens had three brothers, thewoolies three brothers, the coins. Three brothers me, I had a short cheby syster. So when you walk up to the playgroundwith a short chubvy sister, you get no juice, nobody picks you nobody's afraid of you,nothing and so early on. I knew that my problemwas that I was. I was from the wrong family, where half Jewish were half atime were confused over there. I got a short chupby system. Nobody understandsme, I don't have brothers, nobody can give me any juice on the playground andI was already feeling less than and then one day we got a new coach inhe in the grade school in middle school and it was going through the roster andhe guess for my last dame and he says...

...boy aty. I said yes coach, he said:Does your brother play for the Pittsburgh Panthers? It's a simple answer of your brotherdoesn't play for the FIBUR Pan, but at that moment I realizedeverything was going to change in my life at that exact moment and before I know it I said yes, hedoes coat and Ol. My friends looked over like wow,wouldn't even know you had a brother, I'm Lik. I do in place for the Pittsbarg Panter and I tell you that story because Iwanted to be anybody other than me. I wanted to be anyone other than me. Iwas willing to be whatever it took to. I started each day as a less than, and it took me everything in outsidepowers to make me maybe an equal. I was always starting out as a Leston.When I told you that my brother played for the Pittsburgh Banthers, I becameat least a little comfortable in my own skin,even though it was a lie I felt like at that moment I could fit in, and so Ideveloped a chameleon type of personality. You like sports. I LoveSports, you like politics, I'm in Politiv, you like this, I'm in that and I lost who I was. I was so insecure as a kid about who Iwas that I really felt like nobody would want to play with me unless I had something to offer, and I never thought you would just wantto hang out with me to be with me, Lo self esteem and I'm twelve years old and you'll seewhy I'm telling you the story, because I had alcoholis and before I took myfirst drink. This is before I took my first Drin and my mother had a very badaccident and she was in the hospital. So she was away in upstate New York.She had a horseback riding accident, upstate Newyork, my dad was at afuneral for one of our family members and I'm twelve and I'm in the housealone. For the first time, I've been in the House alone other times whenthere's a babysit of watching or something like that, but noter wherepeople are out of town and I'm alone, and the one thing that I had that otherkids didn't have in my neighborhood, because my dad was a war veteran and awar hero Korean ware hero is we had guns and in my neighborhood that wasnot not. Everyone had guns, nobody had guns, but my dad had guns. They hadbrothers. I had done so. I said to the toughest kid in myneighborhood Kevin I said. Would you like to come hang out with me, and he said you know something like why and I said because I have gun and we could blow stuff up and he said yes and he came over my house and we started to shoot at things and T in my own insecurities I felt hewas leaving. I felt he was wating interest in beingwith me, so I up the anti and I said we can shoot at each other and I gave him the gun and, I said, shoot at me I'll move fast. I didn't move fast enough and I oned amillion shot, came and blew my right eye out. I was so willing to be anything thatyou wanted, as I was willing to have you shoot at me so that you wouldn'tleave by the time I took my first glass ofJewish table wine, which is called manasherits. I still appreciate when I took that glass of Jewish tablewine MENA shevits and it went down my already damaged selfesteemed system andby the time it was in my gun, I was able to feel the ease and comfort thatonly alcohol can produce, because there's only so much lying, there'sonly so much trying to keep people around you. If you have insecuritiespeople will leave, but when I had an alcoholind when I hadAlacho in my system, even though I didn't get drunk when I had a alcohol,my system, I had the feeling of it's going to be okay and what I want to sayto anyone that has that is we're not just going to give that up because ofsome small consequences like di or broken marriages or jail sentences.We're not just going to give that up something that works as good as itworks in us, Whit, alcoholism', im just going to give it up, because someonsaid you know why you have a real problem, and this is actually working for me, and so this worked for me for a littlewhile- and I want to let you know that I made a real alcoholic, but I'm not apure Alcomol and add of respect for this meeting out of respect foralcoholic tonim. I'm definitely not...

...going to get into a drug drug, a log,but you know I do need to say that I'm not a pure alcoholic, because when I,when I tell you a part of my story where I peeped out of a window forthree days, you're going to be like that's strange on Scotch you s, it'snot going to make any sense toyou. When I tell you that I rolled myself upin a carpet, because I thought the police were coming in any time- and Ithought this is the best hiding place anybody's ever found at's, not from Jim B. You know sa I'msaying it's going to sound silly, so you need to fill in the blank andwelwe'll still have respect. So I come from a good itime, family and- and I had tried some other substincesother than alcohol, marijuana and stuff and it all works. I want to tell youthat every substance that I eveer tried except for reality, worked. Okay, it all works. I am an equalopportunity, exhibitionist for estape from reality a I am a happy camper withsomething in med. The only time that I aveas said no to a drink e drug is whenI didn't understand the question, and so I'm saying yes to a lot ofdifferent things. I go to college and I'm in t a fraternity and, and I fallin love with a substance other than alcohol. Although I really appreciatealcohol- and I was drinking alcohol and alcohol is definitely my first loveMenyshevis, but when I got to college being in theS and being from New York and because you were producing it in Miami Ganzo specifically and I'msome of his friends and shipping it up through Pabo andsome of the sources here in this meeting, and we do appreciate the discount, I got involved in other things, but it to get involved with thosethings you need to have money and I didn't have money. I was a waiter inone of the destination resorts that you see like in dirty dancing. I wasawaiter what we saying at the tables and at the end of they gave you anamaupon Sunday, and I was a jirty dance type of waiter and, and you don't make a lotof you know, Youv fift dollars a hundredollars, but then you don't makeenough. If you really have a love for something other than alcohol, and I did-and I did. I definitely wanted to spend a lot more time in dry goods other than alcohol, butidn't have the money and then my hero, my uncle Jj, that wasa internist, the chief Interniss at Holy Cross hospital, an broward genius, a man at at thirty years old. He went to Italy,didn't speak Italian learnd how to speak Italian at the same time he's inmedical school that they're teaching him an Italian and it became a doctor,brilliant brilliant man. I mean I struggle in English in theUnited States, you unerstand, so I was like wow with this with myuncle and he drove a Jaguar when nobody drove Jaguars. You know forty years ago,thirty years ago nobody drove jagwas Ye had converted with Jack Wuir and, andhe was just the coolest guy and he had a he was. He was single and he lived onthe intercostal and Broward and- and I just I just worship everything he saidI ate up, and I just love them and then one day I got the call that hedied at the bottom of a swimming pool alone. After going to Ruth Chris SteakHouse and drinking two bottles of Don parnoon by himself with some waiters went back to thehouse, Dovin is swimming. Pooll died alone atthe bottom of a swim, multi millionaire my uncle turns out o Youn alcoholism.We didn't my family didn't know about alcohols an were my family's, a big bigdeal in denial. Someone dies, you don't speak about it someone's weird, youdon't talk about it, someone's drinking, an tha. You know their geniuses. Someone goes away for a while. Youdon't speak about it, so we never. We never really could take a look at myuncle's alcoholism because he was very successful, but then he died and I'm in my senior AF college andthen I ras and I'm the only male Eir in my family. So so I inherit a bunch of money. I'm gn tell about millions, but butdefinitely a lot of money for a college kid- and I was already interested in someextra curricular things. Now I got the money to do it, but I don't know where to get I mean I know what to get it like smallAmouth, but I don't know where to get it. So I go back home and always onSundays, going to Long Island, well, Havin dinner and my grandfather, JCpicks up the paper. We always had the paper N Teta. He Sais Stigy, look at this stuff. You try this one time...

...and you're addicted. Never try this substance, there's a movie about it called NewJack City promise me you'l stay away from me. Igo absolutely GRANDPA. Let me see that paper, so I can see what I'm not goingto be doing. I took that paper to Washington Heightin New York City, and I was like anybody seen this. You know what I could get some of thisstuff right here. I got so involved in that world as a college. Kid from Oilan New Yorknot supposed to be there. I was not supposed to beat it, but I only wantedone way out of me and I didn't care what it was and that seemed to be thequickest way. Out of me, you have a substance that you become instantlyaddicted to. That is the substance I want to try because anything other thanthat seems like it would be on the road to that. I might as well go straight tothat and I did 't and it offered abottomless bit and now, instead of escaping now, I became an addict and I can't stop and I go home and Itell my family, I can't stop not. While I have money, of course, when I ran outof money, I realized I had a problem. I don't know about you, but whenever Ihave money, I'm good and when I run out of money, I'm like I have a realproblem. It seems like a real problem here, it's possible. I have a problem and my family, we don't know anythingabout treatment. We don't know anything about. Itwe, don't know anything aboutrecovery. This is a shock to my family, my poor mother, three months earlier Ihad I was going to school in the Pokonos of Pennsylvania and threemonths earlier. This is true on the way home from the from the resort. where Iworked as a waiter, I hit a dear lot of deer in Pennsylvania and I call mymother said. Listen, I just hit a deer. I need you to send money, the entirecars wiped out. They sent the money. Next week I calledmy mother, listen mom. I got TA. Tell you something I hit another Da. I hittwelve years in those three months. By the time I came home and told mymother and Thaugt. I was an addict. She was relieved Hes, like we just tougt to swe're, sohappy or anadic like we can handle that scupidity. Where were going to send you, so they call a family member who had sentanother family member out to Minnesota and and they suggested I watched twentyeight days on video and was Ha twenty eight de. No I'msorry it wasn't. Twenty eight days, Iopoloty was called Cleanan SilverMichael Keaton, yeah yeah, so I stayed in. I wasn't allowed out. Wedidn't know that alcohol was not allowed during that time. I was adrinking the whole time in the house. I wasn't drinking alcohol. Think of bout.I Wa because I wasn't alcoholic, but I was drinking. While I was watchingcleaning sover the movie, it seemed like they went together. Just fine. My parents are like this is whereyou're going you go to a place called treatment. I go. This looks fine andI'm in the senior year of college, so I figured I'll go to treatment. It's not like now where everybody goesto treatment. Like you know like now, you have like four options. You have.You Know College and military trade, school or treament. It wasn't like thatthirty years ago, so we didn't know anybody that went there. So my wholereference point was was clean and shover movieg and but it looks you know, Look Nice topeople there's a relationship in there. You know there's a dance, there's Nikchakes I mean I I was into it all and and I'd never been away except toFlorida and and so I'm from New York. I worked in Pennsylvania in the POLKONOSand I go to vacations in Florida. I don't have a broad spectrum of theUnited States at this point, so I packed the same way. I would pack fora spring break. You know I W. I get five different Colum Guinea teas, whichis the way I dress of gold chains. I have my balloon pants, my muscleballoon pants, which are papered, thin they're, almost like pajamas, but youcan wear hi'm outside and and and I dress for my twenty eight day, Stat on thecleanes sover movie situation, but but it turns out it's in Minnesota and it'sFebruary I mean I brought a jacket. I had thatmembers only jacket the Windbreaker, so you obviously know where Minnesotais. I didn't. I arrived there like I'm ready forSpring Bait. I arrived there at that at the at the Minnesota Aiport, I'm like yyou're. The kid is here. You know I'm here and then I experience something that Iwill never forget till this day and...

...that's twenty. Six years ago Iexperienced te cold that you can only experience if o, if you've seen themovie Fargo it's that cold. Okay, it's not Pennsylvania, cold, it's not NewYork, cold, it's punch you in the face col and if you are ill dressed or illprepared, it's a lasting memory, and so they whisked me off into the car. I'mshivering. They get me to the treament center, I'm shivering. They get meinside the Tripyo said I'm shivering and there they are the dwelve steps. Inever seen hem never seen them in the movie. They might uve mention them, butI didn't see them. The Guy went in twenty eight days, anI'm sorry and clean is over in the movie. He went for cocaine, so I figurepeople go for cocaine and I get to this treamen center forYoung Peoples t twenty one year old and under, and I see the word that I neversaw before in the Movel, and it says we were powerless over alcohol and I say excude me and I have been familiar with hotels,because my dad was a big hotel guy. Okay, it's hard to explain why he's a bighotel guy, but but he he was involved in like gabbling type of organizationsin Atlantic city that have no name like that type of situation. So I I was used to go into hotels and Iwas used to seeing the conciers and I was used to seeing the front deskcaptain because of my Dad's last name and God bless you and I called theconcierge over and I said to excuse me this is obviously a mistake. I have atwenty fivehousand dollar check in my pocket from Stan Boyorsky and I sayit's slow like make sure they understood where I camefrom. They obviously didn't know my dad inMinnesota, and he said so. What's the problem I go,I didn't come here for no alcohol. I came here from no no, the other stuff and he said well. Take it easy one dayat a time we're going to love you until you cud love yourself. I don't even know what that means. Love Me. I already love me. Look at this, I'm only here to get off one substance,I'm going back to college I'm in my senior year, I'm not even interested ina no alcohol phase of the program and he said well, you could leave and I'm from New York. So I said I'mgoing to leave and I pick up my three piece matchingGuchi luggage and I go to leav. But during that time there was a snowdrift that went in front of the door and nobody was leaving. It was like theshining and he knew that- and I tell you that story, because itdoesn't matter why you're here and it doesn't matter why you're here andhe's,not even ane, you doesn't mind O why you're het as a men of your wife,Orderd, dad ordered court, ordered police, ordered friend, ordered you're.Already here you never have to pick up another drinkagain for the rest of your life one day, ta time, even if you want to, I came to aa through the cold and stage and was waiting to make a break forwhen it thougt out. But in the meantime a miracle happened,and you did love me until I was able to a little bit love myself and a lot of the slogans when theybrought me to the oldest cubhouse in Minneapolis, two thousanando eighteen,a lot of the slogans. They didn't make any sense to a twenty one year old kidwith the the average age of the meetings. Back then, in the meetingHouse that I was going to or sy seventy eighty years old, you know like I amnow, but back then I was like, Oh my God, it guys! Fifty. What do you know you getting ready to die? What you do, but you know you get those women in a athe most beautiful women in the and they just look at you and they go ahoney. Alcoholics Anonyius is one of the mostamazing magical places on planet earth. You know it's amazing. I met this. Thegentleman that has the most time in the room and- and I didn't know he had themost time in the room which is something about when I was going by him.I just knew I needed to meet him and I went over and introduced myselfto HM. I just I just sensed that he hadsomething I wanted and I went over to tell him who I wasbecause, if it isn't for the people that come before us we're not havingthis group tonight, the homestep group is only as strong as it was becauseseventy years ago some people with a coffee pot in a vision started thisgroup and we are responsible.

Some of the new generations just think.Well, Ajes pops up it just is amazing. I went to a dinner, I don't know how itbecame it. Just was there I go went there. The food was amazing,there was a speaker and its just incredible. No, it takes a lot of workto put this on months and months and months of planning, sometimes years inadvance, and I started to a little bitappreciate alcoholics anonymous. But I didn't work the steps- and I didn'tknow God and I'm twenty one and I'm looking for girls Andand and you find them Youl, findthem and the girls find the boys and that'show it is and if you're looking for all the wrong reasons, you're going to beable to find all the wrong reasons, and I did and then I lasted eighteen months,not working any of the program and then I was out, and then I knew a new demoralization that I didn't know as akid from college, because my parents had joined Naranan, which is Alenon fornarcotics, kids and they join this program calledNaranon, which is which teaches them. This thing called tough love, I'm the only son in my family, wedidn't know tough love. I didn't even know how to shop, make a bed cook ofegg. I knew nothing. I was completely spoiled when I call my family in themiddle of negative negative. Two thosandtyd seven degree below zero. OnChristmas, I said: Listen, you need to get me home, I'm dying on the streetsofr. where I am freezing. I please they said we need to love you from the Flor a he did. Elong me from a for you didnt,give me a plane, tlicket we're going to help you help yourself. I knew I was in big trouble. They hadlearned some type of other language that I didn't understand. I'm like break it down for me. Whatdoes that mean in terms of the amount of hours that I'm going to spend on thestreet here like you need to seek how over there, the only place I knew was a nativeAmerican detops that would take people from the tribe, so I quickly became amemor of the tribe. I didn't speak much when I went there. I told him I was native American. Theyinvited me in my mother's wife, My dad's nativeAmerican. That's why Yo don't see it and for five days I said very littlewords and I sought the help that I needed andthe state of Minneapolis invited me into their state system. Remember I'm aprivileged kid, I'm not a rich kid, but I'm a privileged kid from from LongIsland, New York that goes out with a thirty fivehousand dollar. Twenty fiveThousan dollar check in my pocket. Two years later, I'm in the statesystem of Minnesota with no help for my family. And what do you have if youhave no help your family? You got to reach out to alcohol tonnighs and yougot to start one day at a time clowing your way through and if you real, TNOT,just crew, I mean it's only when I left there they knew. I was not nativeAmerican, so hat that Beirg is burned, let's Burne, so I knew I needed to like make somequick moves fast and I got back into the program and Igot a years sobriety and and and- and I got this incredible sponsor out thereby the name of Jerry Baran- he's a member of the Central Pacific Group ofMinneapolis, Great Group based on the Pacific Group ofCalifornia Clanci, and I got him with some great people, some great steppeople and I'm twenty four years old and I'm on fire for alcohol. Itsanonymous and I come down here to Broward and I land in Browid- and Icall the Intergroup office and the integrive office tells me that there'sa meeting on Thursday night at the twelve Stephouse, I go directly therelike a good a does. I'm a year Sover, I find my sponsor in the first night,Myrin a locksmith of rowr county. May God rest his soul. He just passed awaywith forty about forty years, a survrise, just a green man. I meet mybest friend Danny who, may God rest his Sol, died sover with fourteen years andI meet my homegrouup delevestep girl, with some real great old timers, RuthRogers and Maury people with thirty forty. Fifty sixty years was great andI thought how intelligent you guys are. You guys are so amazing. You taught mehow to live. You taught me a new way of life and then, and then I didn't have a relationship with God. I thought you told me that I could havea relationship with a God. I thought you said to me. I thought you said to me that I couldhave a relationship with a god of my understanding. That's what I thoughtyou said I made a misunderstood and then my sponsor who was admiringbecause Myron was just too good, so I needed to get a lower type of sponsor.That understand me better, because myon...

...was like at the high level. So I gotyou know. Water seeks its own level, so I got a guy that could understand a guylike me like a moverand Shakan Myron was not a mover in a shake. He was aslow and steady wins. The raise guy, but I'm kind of like very intelligentMARN, was very intelligent to me in the beginning, but then he started tobecome very slow. As I got lett smarter and I picked the Guy Tho said this, andwhat do you want? God to be you? God could be anything I said. Well, I wantGod to be loving. He Goes Yeah God's loveit. I said I want Hem to be allforgiving. He says Yeah God's, all forgiving. I said I wanted to be mybest friend. He goes he's all that I didn't realize that there was moreattributes to God. I only picked the top three that I like, so I would bringhim to strip clubs with me es my Buddys, my friend. I would bring him to Poka Games with me.I would smoke te Gods with him. We Talk Great Inaa and we talkd totallyinappropriate a parking lots about women. My God understood that he's aguys guy. I didn't understand that, there's Godand he has a first name in his gun. I didn't understand that the first onehundred and sixty four pages is pointing me to the creator of theuniverse, not some guy that I made up that can hang out with me. It stripclothes when I decided to start taking steroids.I said God when d you think about that he's like yeah. Why not build up the body? I go. Thank you God. So I got the whole outside going on. Igot twenty two inch by seps I gotta I got a Mustang, Cobra and, and the Godsize hole. That's inside here is so deep and I'm so miserable and I'm fouryears sover and I'm twenty six years old, and I want to kill myself and Idon't know why. I look good. I got money. I got two businesses, I said tomyself. It must be because I don't have them, I'm not married. If I was married and then I saw I worked in the foreloader swap Shev anin the foreloadell Swapshov, they had a circus there, the famous circus, it wasreal, it was a real deal and there was a a visiting performer from Columbiaand I saw e Srotten in on the elephant, and I watched her on the trappees and Isaid if I could get that girl. That's going to fix this because I'm restless,I'm irritable, I'm discontent, I'm now on Stero. So now I'm like I'm likeaggressive, I'm like a big Bol with an attitude from New York, NaaFast Te ffan Mike. You know like that, and I see Sandra and she's got feathersand a show girl and she's dancing. And I go that's the one. That's the one. Iget hert that fixes this. I get her. I put all the junk away, no much stripclubs, no more, not no! My staris, nothing! If I get her it's going to fixme and I got her- God bless you when ittook some time I pursued her back. Then the stalking laws were not as seriousas they are today and she finally said. Yes, you knowwhat I mean poblem and and she's not from this country. So shedoesn't know that alcoholism has returned in me because she only knows me as soverspiritual stefe. She doesn't see me as crazy upset irrital discontent,alcoholic because I haven't had a drink in five years and my parents give us a a ticket to goanywhere in the United States and because I'm recovering alcoholic,that's not in recovery anymore, mentally. I pick New Orleans exactly every you all understand that Ididn't understand that and my wife's like why? Why why newORLEAN SWEETIE and I go because New Orleans is the home to jazz and shegoes. I like Cazz, I like Jaz, and so we go to New Orleans and we're sitting in emeral, lagasi's,new restaurant, no brand, new and and I'm reaking of alcoholism, eventhough I haven't had a drink for five years and she's. Looking at me and I'mlooking at her and and I'm thinking about me, it's like the three of us and I'm thinking what a great catch shegot at up, wedding and in the table. Next to us is somedisturbing behavior we're in a fancy restaurant, so the tables right on topof us and in the table next to us, they're drinking wine from a decanter but they're notdrinking it. The server comes over and pours wine in the middle of a decanter,with like a breathing tube coming out of it and I'm disturbed, and I say the waiter- I said what isgoing on in the table next to us and he...

...says that these people are drinkingfine wine that needs to breathe first, what I've never heard of such stuff. In mymind I was thinking inseee in mathematical equations. If I wentstraight from Ma Dog, two thousand and twenty to crack, I miss fine wine. If I would have stopped at fine wine, Iwouldn't need to be in AA. If I would have just stop there, those peopledon't even drink it. I could do that. I could order find ine that you don'tdrink how bad could that be, and at that moment I decided I was notpowered. I made a decision. I was not powerless.We need to make a decision that were powerless. We don't feel with powerleus.We will drink again if we don't feel we're powerless we will drink again. Is the great obsession of everyabnormal Drinkerg that they'll be able to drink again, it's okay to have thethought, but you must believe you're powerless, and at that moment I made odecision, I'm not powerless, overfine wine, I never even had it, and for two years I went to Aa knowingI would drink again and I picked up my seven year median and I knew that aslong as I never went back to drugs and I had a plan, it was foul Pos. I toldmy wife, I said Sweetart, I'm going to start drinking, but I'll never go todrugs, mom and dad I'm going to start drinking, but I'll never go to drugs,GRANDPA JC, I'm going to drink, but I'm never going to go to drugs, and Ireally fully truthfully believe this. I picked up my seven Yumediand. I thankmy home group, the Levon step group and I went to go- try to find some finewine at seven o'clock at night on Thursday night in Hollywood, but you gotto know whey to look forfine wine and all I knew was August Moon, Chinese food, restaurant onfederal and I ordered some rice. Wine in a box is as fine as it ever got from me, and I drank that wine and within fiveminutes I had done his anex. I had a seven years. I had a poolposplan, never try drugs again the moment that drink went into my stomach. I saidyou know, I think you have pills upstairs. That was prescribed Tou onetime and it on the sticker. It says: Don't try in alcohol what a greatcombination that would be, and within five minutes I drank anddroped during that year and a half I became aBon. I became everything that I never all.My yets happened in that year and a half seven years inAeigh and in a year and a half every yet that I ever thought, except fordeat, happened six felonies divorce papers for my new wife being drawn upwith my parents against me. Imagine your wife goes with your parents fordivorce papers. That is bizarre. She served me with a restraining order.She left the country. I tried drugs during those year and ahalf that I never tried when I was twenty one. I relapsed in drugs thatkids do and I'm thirty four years old, I'm in a club going like this. I don'tknow how I got that I'I bounced for three days straight upand down like this eighteen years later, mys on my eyesare going in different directions. My last day was in the Fort LardedallHospital in Psychiatri for Jeff Weinstein comes in and says Iwould like to invite you to come live in my halfway house. I said Jeeff, no disrespect, I own afull house right down the street from you hallywood. I Wan a full house. He says to me this is a restrainingorder from your wife you're, not going home to morrow you're home much. I said please tell me about yourprogram and I got into that halfway house andit was January the first week in January, two thousand and two and I was hopeless. I was suicidal. Iwas abandoned. My Wife said: Do not talk to me. I willpay your rent every week. Do not speak to me when I come to pay your rent.Don't look at me. My parents went on a crew, they left the country, ther's AU,listen! We're going on a cruise. You can' get in touch with US goodbye. Whenyou get a years, then we'll be back from the CRUP. I'm like Makid. That's a long cruise-...

...and here I am in the halfway house- andI call up my first sponsor Jerry Baren Jerry- bear says: Listen, Stevie I'll,sponsor you but you're going to start praying on your knees and I hadn'tprayed in a while, because I was in a relapse and you don't really prayer isnot a big deal when you're in a relap I mean I prayed that you know the stuffwould be real and I pray I wouldn't get arrested and pray that they. Let me outquicker when I did get arrested. You know, but I didn't prey on my knees. Mysponsor said You'e going to Storp, praying on your knees in the morningand you're, going to ask God to keep you cleanis sober and at nighttimeyou're, going to get on those same knees and you're going to thank God foranother day, clean and sober, because if I invited you over my house and yousat at my table and you grabbe the food and you didn't say please and then youleft the house and you didn't say thank you. I would never invite you backagain, and I said I understand that he said so. Why would you be in God'sworld one day, whatout saying please for the gift tof sobriety and thank youfor the gifto sobriety. At the end of the day he said to me: The disease ofalcoholism is not a flat footed cop that walks around the streets on NewYork, with a donut in one hand, and a cup of coffee in the other. The diseaseof alcoholism is like a secret service agent that walks in and out of partiesunnoticed. That speaks five languages. That knows how to use every weapon inthe arsenal, and if you have any respect for your sobriety, you betterhave that much more respect for the disease of alcoholism, and I was likewow and for thirty days I prayed on myknees and I prayed at nine, and I was in the deal and I was in it and I wasshowering wool brushing my teeth: shaving, I evenflosed, and at thirty days I started to think.Maybe I over maybe I overreacted. Maybe I have one more in me. I'm in theHalfway House I'm one of the best lookin guys in there. Nobody else hadteeth, I'm thinking, maybe I overreacted, I'm going Ta go out for one more day.I'm not going to tell anybody, because I developed some superpower, some JUNKISUPER POW with thirty days of sobriety, and I was going to be able to stopusing in a couple hours brush. My Dee take a shower nobody in the halfwayhousewuld no, and I had this great plan, but I was already programmed by Jerryto get on my knees in the morning, so I was on my knees, asking God tokeep me clean as sover and then at a forty five degree angle of my knees. Imade a plan to get high every single day even up to today, andI'm sure that our friend that has forty six years of subriting will tell youthe same thing every single day. That's the reason we go to meetings. That'sthe reason we talk to God. That's the reason we reach furiture books and forme the reason I go to church every single day. There's good Steve in thereand there's bad steve, who I feed winds, who I scarve dies and I got up from my knees and I made adecision to go get loaded and I call but but I'm not a guy,that's going to go, get loaded with no money. They am not not not when I'msover thirty days, so I call up my wife and I say sweety Pie and right there. She knows you knowwhat what she says. What I said honey could I have a hundred andninety ninear for a cell phone, because my sponsors in California and she sayshold on, and so I think, she's checking the bankaccount once again, my family behind my back. She joined Allenon and she calls up or Allenon sponsor andER allanon sponsor says, give the bum the money, let's find out right now. Ifthe dovorce papers are going to get put Foo through let's and they set me up,they give me a hundred and ninety nine ols on the money car. I don't know ifthat's a principle of Alanon, but I don't agree with it and I rush over to the sprint storewith the money card, and I say to the guy behind the counter. I need to havethe chief, a cell phone you have because I knew I had to call my wifewith that cell phone and I need to call the Halfwhil. I was ownr with the cellphone, so they didn't so that I could. You know pretend where I wasn't and this what God does she's. What's soamazing about God ass, he doesn't need your permission to enter your life. God puts a guy behind the counter atthe cell phone place from alcoholics aonymos from the day before, and hesaid Steveb, it's so good to see you I'm from victory. I saw you pick upyour under thirty days and step to I didn't know it Wa Stepp to back then,but it came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore methe sendity, because right there I wanted to get loaded and God intersaved and for the next nine months, all sortsof amoralmiraculous things happen. My grandmother died, I didn't use. I gotinto a car accident with amazing men in my car and I was a hundred percentwrong and I was with the guy with thirty years. I got with forty yearsand I was a hundred percent wrong and I could have hurt them all and that mantook me Ou of the car anistead of yelling at me, which everybody in mylife always yelled at me. He said, let's get down our knees and pray atthe pacificcoast highway in California. He said, let's pray and thank God thatwe didn't get a killed.

When I was when I was a hundred percentOll, I started see godwork in my life, even though I really didn't understandwho he was. I started to see some amazing God stories and I'm praying onmy knees in the morning. I'm praying on my knees an night and my wife invitesme to come back and live in the big bed, the big bat in Orer, how I'm leaving tha half Wayhouse, I'mleaving sticky, feedmaton and big Eddi, and I'm leaving- and I return back to our house and my wife is downstairs and she'scooking breakfast and there's a smell of eggs and there's a smell of coffeeand she's Colombian and there's a smellabout Lapus, and I'm just like. Sothank you, Lord and I get on my knees and I just saythank you, God thank you for this new way of life, and I come up with thisidea, because the devil of the enemy will always be waiting for you to messup. He's cunning he's powerful, he's patient. He wants to see you faily onceyour family tourt, a party wants to see you be a not a success. Story wants tosee you be a bad story, and it gives me this idea to turn mymattress over because I hadn't been there in a year, and I turned themattress over and there's my stash that I had left there in a black Gowt, but I had just gotten up off my knees. First Time of my life, it was me, andGod, an the and the stuff and not just me and and we find out in theprogramthey'll come a time when it's just between you and God and you'llknow if you're really in and I start crying, and I call my wifeand she's crying and we get all this stuff. It was very, very harsh, on vothof us to see that kind of stuff in the house and we bag it up and we get itover to the garbage in publics and we're holding hands and we're kissingeach other, and we just we can't believe O'n man. I can't believe on manand and life is incredible, and I start sponsoring men and I'mgoing around the country. Speaking and just it's just great just great ligesis amazing. I come up with an idea that I want tostart speaking and treatment centers. I want to start meeting so I startspeaking treatment senters, I start meeting. I start meetings withdifferent names, and it's just just this is great and as natural being a thirty eightforty year old person without a child, we want to have a baby, so we wes, so we make a decision. Ev ebaby seems to me that you just go and have a baby, but for that for us it didn't work likethat. So we go to have a baby and we can'thave a baby and then we go to clinic and we go through the procedures and wecan't h ve an it doesn't work and then our favorite needs from Colombia,doneats Er ages to us and that doesn't worn. We hire asurragan that doesn't work. We finally getpregnant and we're walking on air. We build the baby room in the House andand of course, doesn't have a sex because we're waiting for the the decision date on what it is and andjust jus just the greatest time in our lives and we're like skipping on airand now we're in our s and the baby room is built and we're Goin to have an AA baby and we goto the doctor and we put the CD in and the nurse says I'll, be right back andthe doctor comes in and says. I'm sorry, sorry and I say no, no, that's not possible. You need to check it again. Need youcheck that again because by now I'm like a serious God guy, I'm in Church,I'm in ministry, I'm in meetings, I'm sponsoring t. So many guys, I'm goingto meetings are allare in the coutry. I do it all for free and for fun for God-and I just know that it's not possible- it's not possible for that. To be,please check it again and my wife starts crying and I start crying and some well meaning people in Aa tellme that God only gives us what we can handle, which is not true. It's not that God gives someone a babydying and another person, a wife dying and another person of bankruptcy. Goddoesn't do that life happens, and sometimes it's really brutal. Thetruth of the matters that God will give you the strength to get through it andanother person in Aa said pray for the willingness. Grave for the willingnessto accept God's will pray that this is God's will, eventhough he didn't cause it and pray that he'll get you through it and thathelped telling me that God, wantsed me to have a dead baby did not help, but other people in a they came around. They loved onus, but we still don't have a baby and we go to an adoption agency and we get kicked out of adoption.ADENCY turns out. I was such an amazing guy, an alcoholics anonymous in myfirst sobriety strip, clubs and gambling and and turns out one of thethings I did was. I picked up a prostitute that happened to be a police officeer, which I don't know. If you know that's,not a good combination and my wife didn't know. So we get asked to leave the adoptionAC because her fiance twelve years...

...earlier, whatever the time frame, istwelve years earlier, picked up a proscisude coming out of the FortLorderdale man's group Ha, which it was a police officer. Now we can' adopt,and now we just don't understand, which way to turn and we're going to God andwe're saying God, please you you say you're going to give us the desires ofour heart, but we can't have a baby. We have a baby room built is justsomething's not adding up, and I want to know an alcholisanonymous. There's many experts in a Butn, I'm saying it in a real way. 'Not Ifi mean this bank experson. Here this finance experts in here there'slawyers in here. There's doctors in here there's all types of people wtwith experience, and I remembered in my home group Happy Bob from the West SideMen's group. He was a very powerful attorney before he was Qaut with threekilos and I called up happy Bob and I saidHapvy Bobwe, don't know how to have a home study because we got kicked out ofthe adoption, Acee and happy Bob says you know why? Don't you call up thislady Marianne that I used to work with and Maryann tells me about this womanby the name of Mindy from Boco, and we call up mindy from Boka andMindy frombokais going to do the home study. But by now my wife and I werelike over the top Christians- we're not like regular Christians where youwouldn't know we got pumper tickers, we got signs, we got hosters, we havetshirts, we have statues, we got t e Sant France's from every saint all theway down and we have you got to do communion on the way end of my house. So I say to my wife: We don't Shul, wetake giant Jesus down from the wall because, when Mindi from Boga comes inthe house, she's not going to be happy that we'relike over the top- let's, let's be under the Cok, you know, let's be underthe cover from indie and mindy from Boca comes in the house, and she looks at all the stuff and shereads my testimonyn she says: Do you think God gave you another chance afterall this I said I know he did I'm eleven yearsover and alcoholics anonymous. She said. So how could I not give youanother chance and mindy from vocus signs off on thehome study? But if? U You understand that? That's a great miracle what Italked about, but now you got to get in line from around the country to get inline to be picked out of a million and one chance lottery that someone's goingto want you to be the parent of their baby and just a short time later from thetop of the United States by California. Right by CANNAA, a mom calls us, and she says she wantsus, my wife, whos, Colombian and dark skin me. An Itian from New York wantsus to go up and visit this white white girl up in the top of the United States inthe mountains of Montana, and she wants to give us her baby. How does that workout? That's gone and we show up there at the hospital inthe middle of nowhere where there's a horse in the middle of the turn styles in the airport, we're like we're not in for LordeLennini and she's, the darkest person in theentire airport and we arrive at the hospital, and thisbeautiful mom is holding up our son from day that was born earlier that dayand she's. Holding up this trans translucive white baby, she says what would you like to nameCasper and, and we say we would like to name the Baby Josh, and she says why Josh when we saybecause in the Bible it says for me and my house, we choose to serve the Lordand she says I'm not a religious person. I said I listen. I get that. I justwant to onrol that Joshua is going to grow up in a sober, godly home and two and a half weeks later we bringJoshua home on a plane. Members of alcoholics anonymous are standing on mylawn with a sign and welcome home and the Babi's Wag Josh was waid and andother people from e had been taking care of our house because it was aboutthree weeks, they've been taking care of our house and taking care of ourdogs and alcoholics. Anonymous was there on our lawn, an alcoholics anonymous because we werein our FTIES taught us how to raise a baby. ALCOHOLCSANIM has taught us inmeetings that we would bring our son into meetings and how to take care ofthem in the meetings and and how to do the changing and how to do all thewalking yo had t do all these feeding. How to do everything. Alcoholicsanonymous gave us baby showers because her family lives in Columbia and myfamily's in New York, alcoholic to Lo Alcocaamas, loved us and showed us, and I want to say how God shows Al. Iwant to show you how he puts the Cherry...

...on the Sunday because he's doing thatin all of our lives right now he wants to wow and how he wowed me on. Of course, wehave the baby and walk around cloud: Nine Yo R. Forty five years old, I gota new born, it's in Greda woman, EA, taking my baby around everywhere. I gothim in that Little Satchel that people weare IM. He goes everywhere, I'mjogging with him everything he's eight months old and he springsout the most glorious red hair. He was bowled. Up into that moment, I come home who scrings out the most beautifulgreen eyes, and he looks exactly like my mom and he looks exactly like his cousinswhen they take pictures. The four of them together which they're coming inthis Friday from New York, and he takes pictures with his cousins. It's thefour of them that came from God's to litter. It's so amazing how he showsoff in our lives and you're, going to hear people saying that they want tostay sober and Alcoholis and I'm a an yes staying. Sover and alcohols and IMSis the by product of a relationship with God. And yes, it's wonderful tostay sober and you have to stay sover, but that's not the goal. If the goal issober, it's like going to the buffet and going up to the buffet and you haveyour plate and you have your fork and you have your knife and you go up tothe buffet and you stop at the Salad Bar and Youl pick up a CUTON and youlgo back to eat and you're eating with your Krutan and your fork and yourknife and people say how are you doing and you go hanging in there, but the people that have God in theirheart they're, going through the whole buffet because they know that God wantsto wow them and show them the next thing in their lives and show them thenext poncy and show them the next event and they're going through the wholebuffe and they're eating the PRIMEARIB and they're eating the crack crab andthey're eating the lobster and they got juice on their face and they're happyand theyr joyous and they're free and before I close, I want to just readwhat Dr Bob said and I want to Tel Ou this as been agreat mine. This has been so fun. I wanted. I want to read with you with DrBobson about the twelve step, Dr Bob, our founder of the program, oneof our founder, and I spent a great deal of time passing on what I learnedto others who want and need it badly, and I do it for four reasons. One issense of duty. Two, it's a pleasure. I'm sure this was a pleasure for you,guys to put on the food was magnificent. The night was magnificent somebody'sgoing to win a ridiculous amount of money tonight. I don't know what you dofor a living, but I love to hire you your amazing, because it's a pleasure because in doing so I'm paying my debtto the man who took time to pass it on to me. And fourthly, because every time I do it, I take a little more insurance formyself against the possible slip. Doctor Bob said this in his story. He said, staying miracles, Hare been to happen and yourheavenly father will never let you down and I'm going to say God bless your andthank you for having the Speeke.

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