AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 19 · 1 year ago

Stevie B @ Homestead Group 70th Anniversary 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Hi everybody. My name is Stevie, being recovering alcoholic. Remember the Golden Text Group in Dania Beach, Florida. It's great to be here with you guys. To the ID of USsays and this a wild group. Okay, I don't know what's going on atthis table right here, but it's not. You Latinos are really wild. Wow, I got Shakira and it was hot, but this is hotin here, you know. Before I get into my talk, I justwant to I want to say one thing. Nineteen years ago I had just hadseven years of sobriety and I was in an into group in Broward andthey did a sobriety countdown and I was the guy that received the book.But what I want to say is I wasn't serious. I was there,I had just had seven years, I just started drinking. My wife thoughtit would be good if she, you know, took me there to seeif it would take, because these were all my friends, because only peopleI knew in Aa were people in brower were in AA. So they brook. She brought me to the the dinner, the intwo group dinner, in themiddle of my drinking, and so of course I won because I wasdrinking, and so to see I know that, and so to see tonighta person that has a sincere desire to stop drinking, and then to seeyou receive the book. You know and the really the truth of the matteris and you are the most important person in this room and we all arebe praying for you because, as as this fine gentleman said, this isan amazing way of life, and so I'm very grateful that that guy that'sgoing to talk with you now is not the guy that was still drinking duringthe Intergroup dinner nineteen years ago. My sobriety is January third, two thousandand two, and I've been in a twenty seven years. I came invery young. I came in a twenty one years old, a lot ofnoise going on. I'm just going to do the best I can and Icame in to Aa by a way of a treatment sent I'm from Long Island, New York, and just just in that you see what some people cheered, because people from Long Island really feel like the entire planet and solar systemcenters around Long Island. And and I certainly did. I certainly did thinkthat everyone was either from New York or not from New York. I didn'tthink there was other states in be queen and I come from a half Jewish, half Catholic background, which is which is very confusing because and both sideswere very both so they were very Jewish and also very Italian. And inmy end and when you're a kid, if you don't know the difference andyou praise the Lord on the wrong day, you know when the Jews are there, you know you get the frown. You know my praise Jesus and myJewish family. No, no, we don't do that on Friday night. So a lot of angst growing up. We call it ADJATA and Italian.A lot of a lot of mixed feelings. I believe that I hadalcoholism before I took my first drink. I believe that alcoholism is not hasanything to do with drinking. It's what I did to treat what was goingon. Alcohol treated my alcoholism. I felt ristless, irritable, discontent andI'm happy with my life every way before I took a first drink, andI'm going to give the examples tonight of that will prove that. And Iknew that my problem was my family background. I knew my problem was that Ididn't have brothers, and I'll explain that to you. In my inmy neighborhood, everything is separated in blocks and depending on who your brothers areis depending on the juice you get in the neighborhood. So most of thekids in my block they had three brothers. The monthingers had three brothers, theWAGONMAN's had three brothers, the woollie's three brothers, the Cohen's three brothers. Me, I had a short, chubby system. So when you walkup to the playground with a short, Chubby sister, you get no juice, nobody picks you, nobody's afraid of you, nothing. And so earlyon I knew that my problem was that I was I was from the wrongfamily, where half Jewish, where half a time we're confused. Over there. I got a short, Chubby sister, nobody understands me, I don't havebrothers, nobody can give me any juice on the playground and I wasalready feeling less then. And then one day we got a new coach inthe great school, in middle school and he was going through the roster andhe gets to my last name and he...

...says, Boyarsky. I said yes, coach. He said, there's your brother played for the Pittsburgh Panthers.It's a simple answer if your brother doesn't play for the BITSBURG panthers. Butat that moment I realized everything was going to change in my life at thatexact moment and before I knew it, I said yes, he does,coach. I had all my friends looked over like wow, we didn't evenknow you had a brother. I'm like I do in place for the PittsburghPanthers. And I tell you that story because I wanted to be anybody otherthan me. I wanted to be anyone other than me. I was willingto be whatever it took to I started each day as a less then,and it took me everything in outside powers to make me maybe an equal.I was always starting out as a less then, when I told you thatmy brother played for the Pittsburgh Panthers, I became at least a little comfortablein my own skin, even though it was a lie. I felt likeat that moment I could fit in, and so I developed a chameleon typeof personality. You like sports, I love sports. You like politics,I'm in politics. You like this, I'm in that, and I lostwho I was. I was so insecure as a kid about who I wasthat I really felt like nobody would want to play with me unless I hadsomething to offer, and I never thought you would just want to hang outwith me to be with me. Low self esteem. And I'm twelve yearsold, and you'll see why I'm telling you the story because I had alcoholismbefore I took my first drink. This is before I took my first drinkand my mother had a very bad accident and she was in the hospital.So she was away in upstate New York. She had a horseback riding accident upstate in New York. My Dad was at a funeral for one ofour family members. And I'm twelve and I'm in the House alone for thefirst time. I've been in the House alone other times when there's a babysitof watching or something like that, but noverwhere people are out of town andI'm alone. And the one thing that I had that other kids didn't havein my neighborhood, because my dad was a war veteran and a war hero, Korean War hero, is we had guns and in my neighborhood that wasnot not everyone had guns. Nobody had guns, but my dad had guns, they had brothers. I had guns. So I said to the toughest kidin my neighborhood, Kevin, I said, would you like to comehang out with me? And he said, you know, something like why?And I said because I have guns and we could blow stuff up,and he said yes, and he came over my house and we started toshoot at things and in my own insecurities, I felt he was leaving. Ifelt he was waiting interest in being with me. So I up theAuntie and I said we can shoot at each other and I gave them thegun and I said shoot at me, I'll move fast. I didn't movefast enough and a one in a million shot came and blew my right eye. Oy. I was so willing to be anything that you wanted as Iwas willing to have you shoot at me so that you wouldn't leave. Bythe time I took my first class of Jewish table wine, which is calledman of Chevits, which I still appreciate. When I took that glass of Jewishtable wine, man of chefts and it went down my already damaged selfesteem system and by the time it was in my gut, I was ableto feel the ease and comfort that only alcohol can produce, because there's onlyso much lying, there's only so much trying to keep people around you.If you have insecurities, people will leave. But when I had an alcohol andwhen I had alcohol in my system, even though I didn't get drunk,when I had alcohol on my system, I had the feeling of it's goingto be okay. And what I want to say to anyone that hasthat is we're not just going to give that up because of some small consequenceslike Du wise or broken marriages or jail sentences. We're not just going togive that up something that works as good as it works in us, butalcohol ISM. We're not just going to real problem and this is actually workingfor me. And so this worked for me for a little while and andI want to let you know that I'm a real alcoholic, but I'm nota pure alcohol and out of respect for this meeting, out of respect foralcoholics anonymous, I'm definitely not going to...

...get into a drug drug alog butyou know, I do need to say that I'm not a pure alcoholic,because when I when I tell you a part of my story where I peepedout of a window for three days, you're going to be like, that'sstrange on Scotch. It's not going to make in sense to you. WhenI tell you that I rolled myself up in a carpet because I thought thepolice were coming at any time and I thought this is the best hiding placeanybody's ever found. That's not from Jim B you know say I'm saying,it's going to sound silly. So you need to fill in the blanks andwe'll still have respect. So I come from a good time family and andI had tried some other substances other than alcohol, marijuana and stuff, andit all worked. I want to tell you that every substance that I evertried, except for reality, worked. Okay, it all worked. Iam an equal opportunity exhibitionist for escape from reality. Okay, I am ahappy camper with something in me. The only time that I ever said noto a drink of drugs when I didn't understand the question. And so I'msaying yes to a lot of different things. I go to college and I'm ina fraternity and and I fall in love with a substance other than alcohol, although I really appreciate alcohol and I was drinking alcohol and alcohol is definitelymy first love, men of Chevits. But when I got to college,being in the S and being from New York, and because you were producingit in Miami, Gonzo specifically, and I'm selling his friends and shipping itup through Pablo and some of the sources here in this meeting, and wedo appreciate the discount. I got involved in other things, but at toget involved that those things you need to have money and I didn't have money. I was a waiter in one of the destination resorts that you see likein dirty dancing. I was a waiter where we saying at the tables andat the end of they gave you an envelope on Sunday, and I wasa dirty dancing type of waiter. And and you don't make a lot ofyou know you fifty hundred dollars, but that you don't make enough if youreally have a love for something other than alcohol, and I did, andI did. I definitely wanted to spend a lot more time in dry goodsother than alcohol, but I didn't have the money. And then my hero, my uncle Jj that was a interns, the chief intern ISS at Holy CrossHospital in Broward. Genius of men. At at thirty years old, hewent to Italy, didn't speak Italian, learned how to speak Italian at thesame time he's in medical school that they're teaching him in Italian and itbecame a doctor. Brilliant, brilliant man. I mean I struggle in English inthe United States tunes then. So I was like wow with this withmy uncle. And he drove a Jaguar when nobody drove Jaguars. You know, forty years ago, thirty years ago, nobody drove Jaguars. He had aconvertible Jaguar and and he was just the coolest guy and he had ahe was he was single and he lived on the intercoastal and in Broward andand I just I just worship everything he said. I ate up and Ijust love them. And then one day I got the call that he diedat the bottom of a swimming pool alone after going to Ruth Chris Steak Houseand drinking two bottles of Don Perny and by himself with some waiters, wentback to the house, Dovan and swimming pool. died alone at the bottomof a swimming multi millionaire, my uncle, turns out a got alcoholism. Wedidn't. My family didn't know about alcoholism. Where my family's a big, big deal in denial. Someone dies, you don't speak about it. Someone'sweird, you don't talk about it. Someone's drinking at that you know thattheir geniuses. Someone goes away for a while, you don't speak aboutit. So we never, we never really could take a look at myuncle's alcoholism because he was very successful. But then he died and I'm inmy senior college and then Irish and I'm the only male heir and my family. So I so I inherit a bunch of money. I'm tell about millions, but but definitely a lot of money for a college kid. And Iwas already interested in some extracurricular things. Now I got the money to doit, but I don't know where to get it. I mean I knowwhere to get it, like small amounts, but I don't know where to getit. So I go back home and always on Sundays going to longisland. Well, having did A and my grandfather JAC picks up the paper. We always had the paper the team. He says, Stevie, look atthis stuff. You try this one time and you're addicted. Never trythis substance. There's a movie about it's...

...called New Jack City. Promise meyou'll stay away from it. I go absolutely, Grandpa, let me seethat paper so I can see what I'm not going to be doing. Itook that paper to Washington Heights in New York City and I was like,anybody seen this? You know where I could get some of this stuff righthere. I got so involved in that world as a college kid from Morelin New York, not supposed to beat it. I was not supposed tobeat it, but I only wanted one way out of me and I didn'tcare what it was, and that seemed to be the quickest way out ofme. You have a substance as you become instantly addicted to. That isthe substance I want to try, because anything other than that seems like itwould be on the road to that. I might as well go straight tothat. And I did in and it offered a bottomless pit. And now, instead of escaping, now I became an addict and I can't stop andI go home and I tell my family I can't stop. Not Well,I have money. Of course, when I ran out of money I realizedthat a problem. I don't about you, but whenever I have money I'm good. When when I run out of money, I'm like guy, Ihave a real problem. It seems like a real problem here. It's possible. I have a problem and my family, we don't know anything about treatment,we don't know anything about it, we don't know anything about recovery.This is a shock to my family, my poor mother. Three months earlierI had I was going to school in the Poconos of Pennsylvania and three monthsearlier, this is true, on the way home from the from the resortwhere I worked as a waiter, I hit a deer, a lot ofdeer in Pennsylvania, and I called my mother's to listen, I just hita deer. I need you to send money. The entire cars wiped down. They sent the money next week. I called my mother. Listen,mom, I got to tell you something. I hit another deal. I hittwelve years in those three months. By the time I came home andtold my mother and that I was an addict. She was relieved. She'slike, we just got to our horn and I'm saying we're so happy.You're an addict, like we can handle that stupidity. Where were going tosend you? So they call a family member who had sent another family memberout to Minnesota and and they suggest that. I watched twenty eight days on video. And Was it twenty eight days? No, I'm sorry, it wasn'ttwenty eight days. I appology. It was called clean and sober,Michael Keaton. Yeah, yeah, so I stayed in. I wasn't allowedout. We didn't know that alcohol was not allowed during that time. Iwas a drinking the whole time in the house. I wasn't drinking alcohol.They could, but I want because I wasn't an alcoholic, but I wasdrinking while I was watching clean and sober, the movie. It seemed like theywent together just fine. My parents are like this is where you're going. You go to place called treatment. I go this looks fine and I'min the senior year of college, so I figured I'll go to treatment.It's not like now where everybody goes to treatment, like you know, likenow you have like four options. You have you know, college and MilitaryTrade School or treatment. It wasn't like that thirty years ago. So wedidn't know anybody that went there. So my whole reference point was was cleanand sober movie and and but it looks, you know, Look Nice to people. There's a relationship in there. You know, there's a dance,there's milkshakes. I mean I was into it all and and I had neverbeen away except to Florida. And so I I'm from New York. Iworked in Pennsylvania and the POLKLONOS and I go to vacations in Florida. Idon't have a broad spectrum of being at it states at this point. SoI packed the same way I would pack for spring break. You know,I why? I get five different column Guinea Tease, which is the wayI dress, gold chains, I have my balloon pants, my muscle balloonpants, which are paper thin. They're almost like pajamas, but you canwear them outside and and I dress for my twenty eight days. Stay onthe clean and sober a movie situation. But but it turns out it's inMinnesota and it's February. I mean I brought a jacket. I had thatmembers only Jack at the wind break her. So you you obviously know where Minnesotais. I didn't. I arrived there like I'm ready for spring bread. I arrived there at at the at the Minnesota airport. I'm like,you're the kid is here. You know I'm here. And then I experiencedsomething that I will never forget till this day, and that's a twenty sixyears ago I experienced the cold that you...

...can only experience if you've seen themovie Fargo. It's that cold. Okay, it's not Pennsylvania cold, it's notNew York cold, it's punch you in the face cold and if youare ill dressed or ill prepared, it's a lasting memory. And so theywhisked me off into the car. I'm shivering. They get me to thetreatment center. I'm shivering. They get me inside. The trip said I'mshivering and there they are, the wells steps. I never seen him.Never seen them in the movie. They might have mentioned them, but Ididn't see them. The Guy went in twenty eight days and I'm sorry andclean. It's over in the movie. He went for cocaine. So Ifigured people go for cocaine. And I get to the Stream Center for YoungPeople's twenty one year old and under. And I see the word that Inever saw before in the movie and it says we were powerless over alcohol,and I say, excuse me, and and I had been familiar with hotelsbecause my dad was a big hotel guy. Okay, it's hard to explain whyhe's a big hotel guy, but but he he was involved in likegambling type of organizations in Atlantic city that have no name, like that typeof situation. So I was I was used to go into hotels and Iwas used to seeing the concierge and I was used to see in the fronttest captains because of my dad's last name. And God bless you. And Icalled the concierge over and I said to excuse me, this is obviouslya mistake. I have a twenty five thousand dollar check in my pocket fromstand boy Arsky and I say it's slow, like make sure they understood where Icame from. They obviously didn't know my dad in Minnesota. And hesaid so, what's the problem? I go I didn't come here for noalcohol, I came here from no no other stuff. And he said,well, take it easy, one day at a time. We're going tolove you until you could love yourself. I don't even know what that means. Love me, I already loved me. Look at this. I'm only hereto get off one substance. I'm going back to college. I'm inmy senior year. I'm not even interested in a no alcohol phase of theprogram. And he said, well, you could leave, and I'm fromNew York, so I said I'm gonna leave and I pick up my threepiece matching Gucci Luggage and I go to leave. But during that time therewas a snow drift that went in front of the door and nobody was leaving. It was like the shining and he knew that. And I tell youthat story because it doesn't matter why you're here. And it doesn't matter whyyou're here. I'd he's not even any you. It doesn't matter why you'rehere. Does amount of your wife ordered, dad ordered, court ordered, policeordered, friend ordered? You're already here. You never have to pickup another drink again for the rest of your life. One day at atime, even if you want to. I came to Aa through the coldand stayed and was waiting to make a break for when they thought out,but in the meantime, a miracle happened and you did love me until Iwas able to a little bit love myself. And a lot of the slogans whenthey brought me to the oldest colub house in minneapols two thousand and eighteen, a lot of the slogans, they didn't make any sense to a twentyone year old kid. With the the average age of the meetings back thenin the meeting House that I was going to our fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty years old, you know, like I am now, but backthen I was like, Oh my God, it got's fifty. What do youknow? You're getting ready to die. Well, you know. Well,you know, you get those women and they ay the most beautiful womenin the and they just look at you and they go a honey. Alcoholicsanonymous is one of the most amazing, magical places on planet earth. Youknow, it's amazing. I meant this the gentleman that has the most timein the room and and I didn't know he had the most time in theroom with is something about when I was going by him, I just knewI needed to meet him and I went over and introduce myself to him.I just I just sensed that he had something I wanted and I went overto tell him who I was, because if it isn't for the people thatcome before us, we're not having this group tonight. The homestep group isonly as strong as it was because seventy years ago some people with the coffeepot in the vision started this group and we are responsible. Some of thenew generation just think, well, a...

...just POPs up. It just isamazing. I went to a dinner. I don't know how it became,it just was there. I get went there, the food was amazing,there was a speaker and it's just incredible. No, it takes a lot ofwork to put this on, months and months and months of planning,sometimes years in advance, and I started to a little bit appreciate alcoholics anonymous. But I didn't work the steps and I didn't know God. And I'mtwenty one and I'm looking for girls and and and you find them, youfind them and the girls find the boys and that's how it is. Andif you looking for all the wrong reasons, you're going to be able to findall the wrong reasons. And I did, and then I lasted eighteenmonths not working in any the program and then I was out. And thenI knew a new demoralization that I didn't know as a kid from college,because my parents had joined Narnon, which is Alanon for narcotics kids, andthey joined this program called Narnon, which is which teaches them this thing calledtough love. I'm the only son and my family, we didn't know toughlove. I didn't even know how to shop, make a bed cook ofEgg I knew nothing. I was completely spoiled. When I called my familyin the middle of negative set negative twenty seven degree below zero on Christmas,I said, listen, you need to get me home. I'm dying onthe streets of where I am freezing. I got please. They said,we need to love you from the far. What you need to love me froma far? You didn't get me a plane ticket. We're going tohelp you help yourself. I knew I was in big trouble. They hadlearned some type of other language that I didn't understand. I'm like, breakit down from me. What does that mean in terms of the amount ofhours that I'm going to spend on the street here like you need to seekhelp over there. The only place I knew was a native American detox thatwould take people from the tribe, so I quickly became a member of thetribe. I didn't speak much when I went there. I told him Iwas native American. They invited me in. My Mother's wife, My dad's nativeAmerican. That's why I don't see it. And for five days Isaid very little words and I sought the help that I needed and the stateof Minneapolis invited me into their state system. Remember, I I'm a privileged kid. I'm not a rich kid, but I'm a privileged kid from fromLong Island, New York that goes out with a thirty five thousand dollar ortwenty five thousand all check in my pocket. Two years later I'm in the statesystem of Minnesota with no help from my family. And what do youhave if you have no help in your family? You got to reach outto alcoholics in Homs and you got to start one day at a time,clawing your way through, and if you relapse, your screwed. I meanit's only when I left there they knew I was not native American. Sothat that bear just burned that's burn. So I knew I needed to likemake some quick moves fast and I got back into the program and I gota year of sobriety and I and and I I got this incredible sponsor outthere by the name of Jerry Bear and he's a member of the Central PacificGroup of Minneapolis, Great Group based on the Pacific Group of California, clancyI. and I got him with some great people, some great step people. And I'm twenty four years old and I'm on fire for alcoholics, anonymousand I come down hit a broward and I land in Broward and I callthe into group office and the Inter Group Office tells me that there's a meetingon Thursday night at the twelve step house. I go directly. They're like agood a does. I'm a year sober. I find my sponsor inthe first night, Myron, a Locksmith of Broward County. May God resthis soul. He just passed away with forty year, about forty years ofsobriety. Just a great man. I meet my best friend Danny, whomade God rest his soul, died sober with fourteen in years. And Imeet my home group, the eleventh step group with some real great old timers, Ruth Rogers and more people with thirty, forty, fifty, sixty years wasgreat and I thought how intelligent you guys are. You guys are soamazing, and you taught me how to live. You taught me a newway of life. And then, and then I didn't have a relationship withGod. I thought you told me that I could have a relationship with aGod. I thought you said to me. I I thought you said to methat I could have a relationship with a God. Of My understanding.I that's what I thought you said. I made a misunderstood. And thenmy sponsor, who wasn't Myron, because Myron was just too good. SoI needed to get a lower type of...

...sponsor that understand me better, becausemy ron was like at the high level. So I got you know, waterseeks its own level. So I got a guy that can understand aguy like me, like a mover and Shaker. Myron was not a moverin a shake. He was a slow and steady, wins the raised guy. But I'm kind of like very intelligent. Myron was very intelligent to me inthe beginning, but then he started to become very slow as I gotlettle smarter, and I picked the guy that said this and what do youwant God to be? You God could be anything. I said, well, I want God to be loving. He goes, yeah, God's loving. I said I want him to be all forgiving. He says Yeah,God's all forgiving. I said I want him to be my best friend.He goes, he's all that. I didn't realize that there was more attributesto God. I only picked the top three that I like. So Iwould bring him to strip clubs with me. Is My buddy, is my friend. I would bring up the poker games with me. I would smokesto gods with him. We talked great in Aa and we talked totally inappropriateand parking lots about women. My God understood that. He's a guy's guy. I didn't understand that there's God and he has a first name in hisGod. I didn't understand that the first one hundred and sixty four pages ispointing me to the creator of the universe, not some guy that I made upthat can hang out with me. It's strip clothes. When I decidedto start taking steroids, I said, God, we did you think aboutthat. He's like yeah, why not build up the body? I go, thank you God. So I got the whole outside going on. Igot twenty two inch biceps, I gotta I got a Mustang Cobra and andthe God's size hole that's inside here is so deep and I'm so miserable andI'm four years sober and I'm twenty six years old and I want to killmyself and I don't know why. I look good. I got money,I got two businesses. I said in myself it must because I don't havethem. I'm not married. If I was married. And then I sawher. I worked in the foreloaded. I'll swapshop and in the fore looad'llswapshop. They had a circus there, the famous circus. It was real. It was a real deal and there was a visiting performer from Columbia andI saw her trotten in on the elephant and I watched her on the Trapeezand I said, if I could get that girl, that's going to fixthis, because I'm restless, I'm irritable, I'm discontent. I'm now on steroid. So now I'm like, I'm like aggressive, I'm like a bigbull with an attitude from New York in a pass to F and mic,you know like that, and I see Sandra and she's got feathers and ashow girl and she's dancing and I go that's the one, that's the one. I get her. That fixes this. I get her, I put allthe junk away. No more strip clubs, no more no more steroids, nothing. If I get her, it's going to fix me. AndI got her, God bless you. And it took some time. Ipursued her. Back then the stalking laws when not as serious says they aretoday, and she finally said yes, you know what I mean, PABLOMand, and she's not from this country, so she doesn't know that alcoholism hasreturned in me, because she only knows me as sober, spiritual Steve. She doesn't see me as crazy, upset Irri. It'll discontent alcoholic becauseI haven't had a drink in five years and my parents give us a ticketto go anywhere in the United States and be because I'm a recovering alcoholic that'snot in recovery anymore. Mentally. I picked New Orleans exactly every you allunderstand that. I didn't understand that and my wife's like why, Whye,New Orleans, Sweetie, and I go because New Orleans is the home tojazz, and she goes I like jazz, I like Jazz. And so wego to New Orleans and we're sitting in Emerald Lagassi's new restaurant, Nola, brand new and and I'm reeking of alcoholism, even though I haven't hada drink for five years, and she's looking at me and I'm looking ather and and I'm thinking about me. It's like the three of us andI'm thinking what a great catch she got. It up wedding and in the tablenext to us is some disturbing behavior. We're in a fancy restaurant, sothe table's right on top of us, and in the table next to usthey're drinking wine from a decanter but they're not drinking it. The servercomes over and pours wine in the middle of a decanter with like a breathingtube coming out of it, and I'm disturbed and I say to the waiter. I said, what is going on in the table next to us,and he says that these people are drinking...

...fine wine that needs to breathe first. What I've never heard of such stuff. In my mind I was thinking ancientin in in mathematical equations. If I went straight from Man Doug Twothousand and twenty two crack, I miss fine wine. If I would havestopped that fine wine, I wouldn't need to be an AA if I wouldhave just stopped there. Those people don't even drink it. I could dothat. I could order find wine that you don't drink. How bad couldthat be? And at that moment I decided I was not powerless. Imade a decision I was not powerless. We need to make a decision thatwere powerless. If we don't feel with powerless, we will drink again.If we don't feel we're powerless, we will drink again. It is thegreat obsession of every abnormal drink of that they'll be able to drink again.It's okay to have the thought, but you must believe you're powerless. Andat that moment I made a decision. I'm not powerless. Over fine wine. I never even had it and for two years I went to AA knowingI would drink again and I picked up my seven year median and I knewthat as long as I never went back to drugs and I had a plan. It was full for us. I told my wife, I said,sweetheart, I'm going to start drinking, but I'll never go to drugs.Mom and Dad, I'm going to start drinking, but I'll never go todrugs. GRANDPA JAC I'm gonna Drink, but I'm never going to go todrugs, and I really fully, truthfully believe this. I picked on myseven your medion. I thank my home group, to eleven step group andI went to go try to find some my wine at seven o'clock at nighton Thursday night in Hollywood. But you got to know where to look forfine wine and I all I knew was August Moon Chinese food restaurant on federaland I ordered some rice wine in a box and it's as fine as itever got for me. And I drank that wine and within five minutes Ihad done as annex. I had a seven years. I had a fullbruise plan. Never tried drugs again. The moment that drink went into mystomach, I said, you know, I think you have pills upstairs,that it was prescribed to you one time and it on the sticker. Itsays, don't try with alcohol. What a great combination that would be,and within five minutes I drank and drugged. During that year and a half Ibecame a bum. I became everything that I never owe my yets.Happened in that year and a half. Seven years in AA and in ayear and a half, every yet that I ever thought except for death,happened. Six felonies, divorce papers for my new wife being drawn up withmy parents against me. Imagine your wife goes with your parents for divorce papers. That is bizarre. She served me with a restraining order. She leftthe country. I tried drugs during those year and a half that I hadnever tried. When I was twenty one, I relapsed in drugs that kids do. And I'm thirty four years old. I'm in a club going like this. I known know how I got there. I don't. I bouncedfor three days straight up and down like this. Eighteen years later, matchwhen my eyes are going in different directions. My last stay was in the fourLord of the hospital, in the psychiatric floor. Jeff Weinstein comes in. He says, I would like to invite you to come live in myhalfway house. I said Jeff no disrespect. I own a full house right downthe street from you, Hollywood. I own a full house. Hesays to me, this is a restraining order from your wife. You're notgoing home tomorrow. Your homeless. I said, please tell me about yourprogram and I got into that halfway house and it was January, the firstweek in January, two thousand and two, and I was hopeless. I wassuicidal. I was was abandoned. My Wife said, do not talkto me. I will pay your rent every week. Do not speak tome when I come to pay your rent. Don't look at me. My parentswent on a cruise. They left the country. There's listen, we'regoing on a cruise. You can't get in touch with us. goodbody.When you get a years then we'll be back from the cruise. I mightmake it. That's a long cruise. And here I am in the halfwayhouse and I call up my first sponsor,...

Jerry Bear, and Jerry Bear says, listen, Stevie, I'll sponsor you, but you're going to startpraying on your knees. And I hadn't prayed in a while because I wasin a relapse. And you don't really prayer is not a big deal whenyou're in a relapse. I mean, I prayed that at the you know, the stuff would be real and I pray I wouldn't get arrested and praythat they let me out quicker when I did get arrested, you know.But no, I didn't pray on my knees. My sponsor said, you'regoing to start praying on your knees in the morning and you're going to askGod to keep you clean and sober, and at night time you're going toget on those same knees and you're going to thank God for another day cleanand sober. Because if I invited you over my house and you sat atmy table and you grabbed the food and you didn't say please, and thenyou left the house and you didn't say thank you, I would never inviteyou back again. And I said, I understand that. He said.So, why would you be in God's world? One day? What I'llsaying please for the gift of sobriety and thank you for the gift of sobrietyat the end of the day. He said to me the disease of alcoholismis not a flat footed cop. That walks around the streets of New Yorkwith a donut in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.The disease of alcoholism is like a secret service agent that walks in and outof parties unnoticed, that speaks five languages, that knows how to use every weaponin the arsenal. And if you have any respect for your sobriety,you better have that much more respect for the disease of alcoholism. And Iwas like wow. And for thirty days I prayed on my knees and Iprayed at nine and I was in the deal and I was in it andI was showering, wool, brushing my teeth, shaving, I even flustand in thirty days I started to think maybe I over maybe I overreacted,maybe I have one more in me. I'm in the halfway house. I'mone of the best litting guys in there. Nobody else had teeth. I'm thinking, maybe I overreacted. I'm going to go out for one more day. I'm not going to tell anybody because I had developed some superpower, somejunkie superpower, with thirty days of sobriety and I was going to be ableto stop using in a couple hours, brush my teeth, take a shower. Nobody in the halfway house with no and I had this great plan,but I was already programmed by Jerry to get on my knees in the morning. So I was on my knees asking God to keep me clean and sober, and then, at a forty five degree angle of my knees, Imade a plan to get high every single day, even up to today.And I'm sure that our friend that has forty six years of sobriety will tellyou the same thing. Every single day. That's the reason we go to meetings, that's the reason we talk to God, that's the reason we reachspiritual books and, for me, the reason I go to church every singleday. There's good Steve in there and there's bad steve. Who I feedwins, who I starve dies. And I got up from my knees andI made a decision to go get loaded, and I call it but but I'mnot a guy that's going to go get loaded with no money. TheyI'm not, not, not when I'm sober thirty days. So I callon my wife and I say Sweetie Pie, and right there she knows, youknow what what she's what. I said, honey, could I havea hundred and ninety nine dollars for a cell phone because my sponsors in California, and she says hold on, and so I think she's checking the bankaccount once again my family behind my back. She joins Alan on and she callsup our Alan on sponsor and our Alan on sponsor says, give thebum the money, let's find out right now if the divorce papers are goingto get put through. Let's and they set me up. They give mea hundred and ninety nine dollars on the money card. I don't know ifthat's a principle of Alan, but I don't agree with it. And Irush over to the sprint store with the money card and I say to theguy behind the counter, I need to have the cheapest cell phone you havebecause I knew I had to call my wife with that cell phone and Ineed to call the halfway house on it with a cell phone. So theydidn't so that I could, you know, pretend where I wasn't. And thiswhat God does. He sees. What's so amazing about God is hedoesn't need your permission to enter your life. God puts a guy behind the counterat the cell phone place from alcoholics, anonymous from the day before, andhe says, Stevie be it's so good to see you. I'm fromvictory. I saw you pick up your under thirty days and step two.I didn't know it was step two back then, but I came to believethat a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, because right thereI wanted to get loaded. And God interceded and for the next nine monthsall sorts of remoral miraculous things happened. My grandmother died, I didn't useI got into a car accident with amazing men in my car and I wasa hundred percent wrong and I was with a guy with thirty years. Igot with forty years and I was a hundred percent wrong and I could havehurt them all. And that man took me out of the car. Insteadof yelling at me, which everybody in my life always yelled at me,he said, let's get down on our knees and pray at the Pacific coalshighway in California. He said, let's pray and thank God that we didn'tget her killed. When I was a...

...when I was a hundred percent wrong, I started see God work in my life, even though I really didn'tunderstand who he was. I started to see some amazing God stories and I'mpraying on my knees in the morning, I'm praying on my knees at nightand my wife invites me to come back and live in the big bed,the big bed in our how I'm leaving the halfway house, I'm leaving stinkyfeet, Mason and big Eddie and I'm leaving. And I returned back toour house and my wife is downstairs and she's cooking breakfast and there's a smellof eggs and there's a smell of coffee and she's Columbia and this is smellof a rapas and I'm just like so, thank you, Lord, and Iget on my knees and I just say thank you God, thank youfor this new way of life. And I come up with this idea becausethe devil, the enemy, will always be waiting for you to mess up. He's cunning, he's powerfully, he's patient. He wants to see youfail, he wants your family toward a party, wants to see you bea not a success story, wants to see you be a bad story.And he gives me this idea to turn my mattress over because I hadn't beenthere in a year. And I turned the mattress over and there's my stashthat I had left there in a black out. But I had just gottenup off my knees. First Time in my life it was me and Godin the and the stuff and not just me and the and and we findout in the program they'll come a time when it's just between you and Godand you'll know if you're really in. And I start crying and I callmy wife and she's crying and we get all this stuff. It was very, very harsh on both of us to see that kind of stuff in thehouse and we bag it up and we get it over to the garbage inpublics and we're holding hands and we're kissing each other and we just we can'tbelieve I'm man, I can't believe I'm in and life is incredible and Istart sponsoring men and I'm going around the country speaking and just it just great, just great. Life is is amazing. I come up with an idea thatI want to start speaking and treatment centers. I want to start meeting. So I start speaking and treatment centers, I start meetings, I start meetingswith different names and it just just this is great and as natural beinga thirty eight, forty year old person without a child, we want tohave a baby, so we so we make a decision have a baby.Seems to me you just go and have a baby. But for that,for us, it didn't work like that. So we go to have a babyand we can't have a baby, and then we go to a clinicand we we go through the procedures and we can't have them. It doesn'twork. And then our favorite niece from Columbia donates her age to us andthat doesn't work. We hire a surrogate and that doesn't work. We finallyget pregnant and we're walking on air. We build the baby room in thehouse and of course doesn't have a sex because we're waiting for the decision dateon what it is, and just just just the greatest time in our livesand we're like skipping on air. And now we're in our s and thebaby room is built and we're gonna have an a baby and we go tothe doctor and we and we put the CD in and the nurse says I'llbe right back in. The doctor comes in and says I'm sorry, sorry, and I say no, no, that's not possible. You need tocheck it again. You need to check that again, because by now I'mlike a serious God guy. I'm in Church, I'm in ministry, I'min meetings, I'm sponsoring. There's so many guys I'm going to meetings,are all in the country. I do it all for free and for fun, for God, and I just know that it's not possible. It's notpossible for that to be. Please check it again. And my wife startscrying and I start crying and some well meaning people in a a tell methat God only gives us what we can handle, which is not true.It's not that God gives someone a baby dying and another person a wife dyingand another person of bankruptcy. God doesn't do that. Life happens and sometimesit's really brutal. The truth of the matters that God will give you thestrength to get through it. And another person in a a said pray forthe willingness, pray for the willingness to accept God's will. Pray that thisis God's will, even though he didn't cause it, and pray that he'llget you through it, and that helped. Telling me that God wants me tohave a dead baby did not help, but other people in a they camearound this, they loved on us. But we still don't have a babyand we go to an adoption agency and we get kicked out of adoptionagency. Turns out I was such an amazing guy and alcoholics anonymous in myfirst sobriety, strip clubs and gambling and and turns out one of the thingsI did was I picked up a prostitute that happened to be a police officer, which I don't know if you know that's not a good combination, andmy wife didn't know. So we get asked to leave the adoption agency becauseher fiance, twelve years earlier, whatever...

...the time frame is, twelve yearsearlier, picked up a process you, coming out of the Fort Loaderdale men'sgroup, that which it was a police officer. And now we can't adopt. And now we just don't understand which way to turn and we're going toGod and we're saying God, please you. You say you're going to give usthe desires of our heart, but we can't have a baby. Wehave a baby room built. This just something's not adding up and I wantto know. In alcoholics anonymous, there's many experts in a but now I'msaying it in a real way. I'm not if I mean this bank expertsin here, this finance experts in here, there's lawyers in here, there's doctorsin here, there's old types of people with experience, and I rememberedin my home group Happy Bob from the West Side Men's group. He wasa very powerful attorney before he was caught with three kilos. And I calledup happy Bob and I said have you bomb? We don't know how tohave a home study because we got kicked out of the adoption agency. AndHappy Bob says, you know, why don't you call up this lady Maryan, that I used to work with, and Maryanne tells me about this womanby the name of Mindy from Boca, and we call up mindy from Bocaand Mindy from Boca is going to do the home study. But by nowmy wife and I were like over the the top Christians. We're not likeregular Christian what you wouldn't know. We got bumper stickers, we got signs, we got posters, we have tshirts, we have statues, we got StFrancis from every saint all the way down and we have you got todo communion on the way into my house. So I say to my wife,swee, don't show we take giant Jesus down from the wall, becausewhen mindy from Boca comes in the house she's not going to be happy thatwe're like over the top. Let's let's be under the Cook you know,let's be under the cover from Mindy. And Mindy from Boca comes in theHouse and she looks at all the stuff and she reads my testimony. Shesays, do you think God gave you another chance after all this? Isaid, I know he did. On eleven years sober and alcoholics anonymous.She said, so how could I not give you another chance? And Mindyfrom bocus signs off on the home study. But if you understand that, that'sa great miracle. But I talked about but now you got to getin line from around the country to get in line to be picked out ofa million in one chance lottery that someone's going to want you to be theparent of their baby. And just a short time later, from the topof the United States, by California, right by Canada, a mom callsus and she says she wants us. My wife, who's Columbian and darkskinned, me in a talent from New York, wants us to go upand visit this white white girl up in the top of the United States,in the mountains of Montana, and she wants to give us her baby.How does that work out? That's God. And we show up there at thehospital in the middle of nowhere, where there's a horse in the middleof the turnstiles in the airport. We're like, we're not in foreloaded anymoreand she's the darkest person in the entire airport. And we arrive at thehospital and this beautiful mom is holding up our son from day that was bornearlier that day, and she's holding up this trans translucent white baby. Shesays what would you like to name Casper and and we say we would liketo name the baby Joshua, and she says why Joshua? And we saybecause in the Bible it says for me and my house, we choose toserve the Lord and she says I'm not a religious person. I said,I listen, I get that. I just wanted in roll that Joshua isgoing to grow up in a sober, godly home. And two and ahalf weeks later we bring up Joshua home on a plane. Members of alcoholicsanonymous are standing on my lawn with a sign and welcome home and the babiesway. Joshua's Wade and and other people from a had been taken care ofour house because it was about three weeks. They've been taking care of our houseand taking care of our dogs and alcoholics anonymous was there on our lawnand alcoholics anonymous, because we were in our for S, taught us howto raise a baby. Alcoholics anonymous toward us in meetings that we would bringour son into meetings and and how to take care of them in the meetingsand and how to do the changing and how to do all the walking,how to do all these feeding how to do everything. Alcoholics anonymous gave usbaby showers because her family lives in Columbia and my family's in New York.Alcoholics at alcoholics anonymous loved US and showed us and I want to show youhow God shows all. I want to show you how he puts the Cherryon the Sunday, because he's doing that...

...in all of our lives right now. He wants to wow us and how he wowed me. And of coursewe have the baby and walk around cloud nine or forty five years old.I got a newborn. It's incredible. Woman ain't taking my baby around everywhere? I got him in that little Satchel that people where I'm he goes everywhere. I'm jogging with him everything. He's eight months old and he springs outthe most glorious red hair. He was balled up at that moment. Icome home, he springs out the most beautiful green eyes and he looks exactlylike my mom and he looks exactly like his cousins. When they take picturesthe four of them together, which they're coming in this Friday from New York, and he takes pictures with his cousins. It's the four of them that camefrom God's litter. It's so amazing how he shows off in our lives. And you're going to hear people saying that they want to stay sober andalcoholics anonymous. And yes, stays sober and alcoholics anonymous is the by productof a relationship with God. And yes, it's wonderful to stay sober and youhave to stay sober, but that's not the goal. If the goalis sober, it's like going to the buffet and going up to the buffetand you have your played and you have your fork and you have your knifeand you go up to the buffet and you stop at the Salad Bar andyou pick up a cruton and you go back to eat and you're eating withyour crutan and your fork and your knife and people say how you doing andyou go hanging in there. But the people that have God in their heart, they're going through the whole buffet because they know that God wants to wowthem and show him the next thing in their lives and show him the nextsponsee and show him the next event. And they're going through the whole buffetand they're eating the primary and they're eating the crack crab and they're eating thelobster and they got juice on their face and they're happy and they're joyous andthey're free. And before I close, I want to just read with DrBob said, and I want to take this has been a great nine thishas been so fun. I want to want to read with you with DrBob said about the twelve step. Dr Bob Our founder of the program,one of our founders, and I spend a great deal of time passing onwhat I learned to others who want and need it badly, and I doit for four reasons. One is sense of duty too. It's a pleasure. I'm sure this was a pleasure for you guys to put on. Thefood was magnificent, the night was magnificent. Somebody's going to win a ridiculous amountof money tonight. I don't know what you do for a living,but I'd love to hire you. You're amazing. Because it's a pleasure,because in doing so I'm paying my debt to the man who took time topass it on to me. And fourthly, because every time I do it Itake a little more insurance for myself against the possible slip. Dr Bobsaid this in his story. He said stay, miracles are going to happenand your heavenly father will never let you down. And I'm going to sayGod bless you, and thank you for having these speeks.

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