AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 3 months ago

Russell S. Step 9 at the 12 Step House 7/8/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 9 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 7/8/2021  

My name is russell spats, i'm analcoholic. I group i haven't on a drink. Have isince and then i to nine hundred and eighty one, it's a great privilege to be here withyou guys, and i want to welcome few people. First of all, i see a lot of myfriends, my guys on zone there's a hybrid men. I let these things and saytalassa had a great profesor witout, you guys, but for last year year and ahalf or something like that. I've been going to about three or four five gmeetings a day, and i have all these great friends and people that i met wo.I love and care about from all the world a power from i see francis fromaustralia annie, i think you're up in washingtondc and cindy disy shore and all of the united states, iran, i'm playing forsee, we're all playing for see, doubless smother we're all talkingabout an pranget lesters. We list guys, and so many people, triny, nd andriaand but we yet don't get upset with me. It's nice and all these people, you andi want to a especially rockall thanks a lot of guts. We re it takes a lot of guts who got tobe desperate either way. You know to come to an a b walk in here and i wantspecial people that are coming back and things like that and see morris in theaudience and e actually doing your twenty three years. I know twenty years re cover, that's fantastic,and it's just wonderful to be here with you guys and, and i'm sure that that is suspiciouswhen we're going around that there's a possible that i mightactually talk about a step tonight. Get ahead of me, i'm not making anypromises. You know i mean i may have had an intention to talk about it step,and this is the step serves. I think it rocketed. This is top number ten and we're on the night step. I'm notsure how that happened. Actually i didn't know how thathappened. I came here one birthday night or something, and i had likefifteen minutes to share something. So i did like a introduction to step foror something and so we're, presumably on step nine tonight and- and i woke upthis morning- i just had this feeling you know i just feel i said you know i i i think i might actuallytalk about a step to you know i actually, i know you mightfind the start to bevie been actually talking about all the steps that everymeeting and he caught that and time that out. Yet i had a head. A gentleman today at lesters start telling me about thewe're talking about this. This deal. You know a lot of you guys have beenhere for a while. So you might know, when i stay checking on the roof, youmight know what i'm in fun to, if you've ever heard chicken out of theroof store is a true story. The trip in the matter is that there'sa hundred and ten people in the room tonight there is no matter what i'msaying is. Probably a hundred and ten stories done this in whatever you'rehearing i've been to enough means that i know first, i can somehow have somecontrol not much of what i say: i've no control over what you do. I you couldhear what i say you could hear what the world wants you to hear. You can hearall sorts of things and, and i've been to enough means to let it people walkup to and say i really i you can speak for ours. I really love it when yousaid this, for you said back, you know half the time they get it right, but itwasn't that it doesn't matter. That's what they've heard you know what i meanand so sermon. Today one came up with says: you know i really like the leostore o te. He did we ever to leo. He said the story of the guy who walkedfive miles to get to your house and you betta bible stuff. So i really ask saidyou made the leaf store. He said yeah...

...we we o to. I really love that storyand i said to my said: let me ask you something. I said that story that youare that really impressed you, the tip that i spoke to at thewandermann and tho. I told him if he shut up in my house in seven thirty i'd,take em to a bible study this the seventeen year old sixteen year old kidand that story about when i woke up that morning that he was out by my pan.He came to the bite study, foot with me and and that's an a story believing itdoesn't have any do with out on some, has tonoi other people and carrying themessage of alcoholics anonymous to other people, which doesn't necessarily have anythingto do with alcohol. We all cos a symptom of our disease, our diseasecenters. In our mind, it's at how we think about ourselves and how we careabout other people where we care about other people at all. Whether we selffiction and i d went to bible study and then i drove him back and i found outthat he had let him up at three o'clock in the morning i asked to how he got tomy house, and so i woke up to three o'clock the morning and and walked five or six miles to myhouse, because he didn't want to miss me. That's how badly he wanted to go tothe bible stuff. It was a sixteen year old kid, nofather single mother, little three year old daughter and three year old sisterand just a young kid trying to figure out his way in life and what the hell'sgoing on, and we saw our bible and like mark. I have them like my bibles- havebeen wont and polen clouds all on pasand said i got one of those and isaid you wan, he bible e says he i said i said we never bite. Stares is done. Isaid you at my house in seven thirty tomorrow morning, i'll tell you a modestudy, then stoest an you shut up, my as an i didn't realize he had wanted.It woke around three o'clock more than watch. You know five or six miles, thenthe bibet. So i took them here and then i drove him back to his house and sotonight, and so that's one of the s t r. That's a story. I it's a story. I tal it's a story, just a story about,because if you're in this fallit a d you love god and like tillion said, theword has been so wonderful to me: cernis febral ve, but i have to keeptalking about it and telling other people. You know when you have when you,when you're grateful for the miracle that moti done in your life, and you have to tell other people withthat. Listen you just don't you just don't strict yourself to people thathappen, the dallion in their pocket. You know, i just don't want people tohave em with a you're not to have a gallon in your pocket. We, you love you,you have to be a recovering alcoholic, we love you, you have to be an alcoholthat notary and we public y love. You know i can. I can even show love and affection andtry to help sixty world kids that are fathers, because that's what god wantsto gi yo be a maximum service, taters dot, only alcohol out. So i haven't heplan for me here, so this is sort of like my miss when this is. I don'tleave this place, because this is war patineuse. This is where i most effect,but i can be a fact of it. People are alcoholics. What we suffer from isbasically common to most people, the fears we suffer from the anxiety wesuffer from. We think it's like us and earth people. You know i mean there,people suck from the same stuff. We don't we start they suffer. We don'thave any meanings to go, it's just it's even worse for them, because they cansuffer from the stuff until day they die and never find a way out, becausethe supreme is real, but you want to some. They never get to the point wherethey have disease. We have where they start losing jobs over you know, orthey stout or something. The consequences are so bad that they haveto do something to get out of their stuff. Were they just live, live toprive desperation as henry thou o a, but i taut we other hand lee fortune,because in our sufi, what we do is we drink, but we drop and eventually wedie or kill somebody or hit somebody or...

...get so bad. We were first deed toaccept something like this and come in here or die or like life, a miserable lifewith how we take it to the bitter end. As they say he were we. So we have nochoice. We have a choice, but we really have no choice. It's either lifeforgets it's a life or death thing for us, so i tell you, i told his story, thereal story and- and i said to a man- and i know what itis. He really- and i noticed this threat was what are you telling so imean i told i've een to at tor, but i don't over thirty years now and inoticed that that's something he paid attention to. They meant something tohim. I said it turn one of these meetin wheni set it on the fifth tap on the six levers, i said to a mist i said, so what step do you think that was about? So what step do you think that wasabout you think that was about when that kid got up at three thirty in themorning? Whatever is the step before the staffand says: if you want, we have and you an we got a analin to get it and readyto pick certain steps. I said: what step do you think that wasa gad? Do you think it was about the first step? Do you think that step was that thestep before the steps that says, if you want, we have new ones that any lighttogether. Then your look at it any way to what you hearit's about. How about do you think it's about the third step? You know next to got up in the morningto go over that bible set and meeing, not third tan. You think i have the six step. Is that where you make such acommitment to god and to do this thing that you're waingongora about the sixten, the seven step thet was about the eleven step this atthe elevenmaybe things about the twelve step. You know it because that twelvetebworth do you think that was. I guess i guess it's. I guess it's whatever. Iguess it's. I guess i guess it's whatever it's notthe world, you don't see the world the way it is see the where the way you are. I suppose, if in your heart, whetheryou know it or not, you're looking for somebody to talk about the third step,i guess it's a third step story for, if you're looking for some in talk aboutthe twelve step, i guess in the twelve step story, for i bet if i told that to to a hundredten people or something like that to be a hundred and ten the be some peoplethat ain't looking for anything and they're not going to get anything fromit. They won't remember that the other people like this young man, i spoke toand he's looking for something that's for just excite. He remembers it fromtwo months, a that he remembers that store. They probably never forget. Thatstory may forget that it was leland. Remember some story about some kid: owalk seven miles a sixty year, old kid and nothing without there was a bitalcohol that had something to do with his alcoholism, and so that, then i what i, what iguess, i'm trying to say is- is bearin altae. This is, this is a program of thedocturin of life which the man's rigorous honestly, it's a real life.You know if you're active out f, i was an active alcohol. If you're an act ofact about wallian mir, they're just drinking, it makes a dot adopting andawaited wife that the man's dishonesty adopting a weyver it wins, adopting away of life where your ai telling sorry for the show it he's adopting ae lifewhere you're always briming other people for your problems, it meansadopting a way of life. When you walk around and saying, i can't believe thisis happening to me again. It means a dopted way of life. We are we sayingi'll show them he he he who i'm spited,...

...who the hell they think i am. I never.I makes adopting a way of arrogant science life that is self destructivefor manager set out to and many men we have to for themselves. It's more than the tranquil. The tragenis a septem that has to do with a way of life. You know and if you're a recomingalcohol, it means the doctor way of life which demands were dishonest. I anhe's adopted a way of life which demands that, as they say, have toignostic whether they say they said the y git me in an agnostic, right, alcoholor an athis must be abandoned. It ees adopted her life. When you have to makea decision, god is either everything or nothing. What is your decision go to be?It means that doctor a way of life where you want a spirtual basis if itmeans a whole lot, i men so much more than drinking or not drinking. As amatter of fact, the way of life we have has nothing to do with the drink. Onthe you know what, when they sang me in the fort, so we are, we are one hundredout or to have we covered them. A hopeless state of mind body. You nohole state of mind body. Is it's not even feeling sorry for yourself? It'snot! It's not even being sell o. So a set o mine advice when we wake up inthe morning sim. No can drink today and by four cocking tom. I was i abon thebody of saying i'm not convented and mean it and by four o'clock, yoursearch of dimes, nickles and porters. So you get out to a lindian, get twodol and eighty nine cents follow cade and sit by the record player and drinkyourself unconscious. It me it means a diet, o a hopeless state. The moring iswhen you can't stop. Drinky is when you can't i have recovered. Youhave recovered, whether you know or not, from a hopeless state of mind. Werecovered our like. Let me say some how many people, ten or to supreme startdrinking a grater rasour head. How many people have stopped. I'm geeit for ten days. You retire that don. Maybe you don't remember. Let me let meremind you, because you might have forgot it. You came into a because youcouldn't stop drinking how's it working for you. You don't want your money, be not toman the money back or you, but may you know you're insane now youknow you caraza understand that you know you've been told, and maybe youeven believe and it's true that god will we throw you the sound ofit in just didn't. Tell you how long itwas going to take. I know eking statemen, you go in ben,you know. If you drank like i did. That is fast. I was a fast thinker because ibelieve me i want to be walking in the fourth comensiimmediately. You know iardusat for the low a getting back. You know other people will say i'm fearing.I said, that's the whole point. You know what i mean. It was back that rack.You know what i mean and that's the great thing about, staunch whatever itis your drinking because it gets you to the port, where you really don't get apass, that other people think about it and it happens quickly. Tis a is notlike that. You may spend the first ten years with people in the brain. You may spend the next ten years. Waggling up in the shower sober workingin alto adamo send yourself on piece of shut out a simonside alcoholic. Let metell you something: somebody said i tink yo e f personality. I said i wishi get down to to. I do okay, ye alcoholic, you fluctuate between i'mthe greatest guy in the world. I am smorin anybody, i'm better than anybodyand i'm a tease. The shit out had to kill myself a man when you got thosetwo shots and we now something...

...sometimes you hope the both of the painat the same time, and when you have that go for yourself when you think you're incredible an you,get sit about anybody and do terrible think about you and, on the other hand,all your thinking, bat is what e thinking about me. Why did i do that? Ican't believe i said that i i want to tell myself i'm on be okay, when we getthat stuff going for you in your brain and reis having a conversation with onthe one person, the only person we ever talk to is you know what it is you and that person is sick and you have to do that sober sober inthis real, which has a lot of moving parts at ancrazy pope that emotion to serfice wrong. You might come to the conclusion,even after you stop drinking that there's something more wen, there'ssomething wrong with you. That has nothing to do with starch and that doesn't necessarily go awaybecause you either wanted to read the the fee after five or ten years forfifteen year. That's so like that's the thing you like pa, that repeatedhumiliations by the question of your self sufficiency, that's something thatgoes on and on the win steps over and over again, and so like it says in the big rockright here, and i picked up this one thing it says was not page. Sixty eight craster is a better way. We think sothis is the better way. That's why they say. Perhaps there's a better way. Youknow when you're around for a while ye, it's possible one con wasson lessens onalcohol, sepsis, alcoholism and all its consequences, and you may spend thefirst ten years finding out what alchemist is reallyabout. You walk in here. This is what you said. You think alcoholism hassomething to do, but better at some of you. We think ithas to with not drinking that's what you think it is you think.Well, you know it's liking the name alcoholics anonymous. You know what imean the books, it's called alcoholics anonymous. You can't be blamed forthinking that some who drinking they tell you don't drink e with has for ofyeah yeah handing out shits without drinking begin, live a downa war, tickand everybody some o o not talking to have it at a dress by you say this iswhat do you think that alcalis has something to do with drinking? And thenyou said the next thirty years, not drinking and working on the alcohols and all and every month and every yearin every decade, the concept of waters, alcoholism, how it affects you whet. Itreally is what it really is that centers in yourmind, in your body, what you really suffer from it rainsand where and you get a different ration of what alcoholic behavior isand what alooli listen you get a so different vision of what sobriety is you understand that, just becauseyou're neely physically sober for some people? Listening with my sponsors, theguys had twenty thirty forty years, just because you weren't dread o winmen. You are sober trust time. You are sober at all. You know they when they say that man issober, they lose and then something more than just on drinking, and you may find yourself a five yearsso ere looking at a guy who has ten years, funer study or sober and say iwant what he has and not even know what he has, but no like bigots and said:wot austin. I was seven three. I knew there was something more something ihadn't got. I used to fire men around the rooms like well oke, his firmans,like jose that i used to follow guys doing senses because i wanted what theyhad and i thought of what the men like. I waned. The secuit, the secret and ileaned to i didn't know at the secret once, but i just think it if i hung outwith them but went out to restaurants with them. It is slip one day thenihear something...

...you know and the truth is it's true.You start hanging out with them a lot, but i mean that. Let me tell you something to get wheremost people won't have ever in air where in life you have to be willing tosometimes do what most people won't do. You know a lot of people will be to ameeting arrive on time and leave right away. Even if we we people will come for emand stay away. Even less people will hang around with all the members ofalcoholics anolis or get sponsors and stuff like that. I mean there arepeople that are actually you know was thinking the other day. I wasinteresting. I have about five meetings that i enimable to do it now, because the zoo i got to a six am quiet time meetingwhere they basically just there's about forty fifty people. A hundred, we readthe bible on different spiritual things, to do some meditation at seven o'clockthat go. I mean that was surenne online and then at twelve o'clock i e amenslenin called men on track or men folly a lie. You know with there's a bunch ofmen were maybe sometimes as many as a hundred men from all over the world, maybe twenty five percent of more thanthirty or forty years i go to that name and that at four o'clock i go to myhome group. Now you the southick every day and then at that time like tonight imean, if i'm doing a name, i'm usually doing something. O'lerney fins likethat, and so people will say to me will say when they were this wow.That's a lot. I mean that's a lot that s not for me. I mean i managed to holdbout, i'm a laryer, i have a office, i have thir children, seven grandchildren.I got a wife for forty years. I mean i just to me. It's like nothing like therolling of a lot i used to spend six hours on the golf course i used to sayi would walk into a bar as third thirty in the afternoon and i would leave atthree o'clock in the morning or four o'clock in the morning. I could do thatand i would see guys leave. I e guys leave after an hour, and i said whereare they going the bruise and the water? In here t i can drink ten hours straight in a barlike it was nothing. You know i mean, and i see people or party or run aroundand all sort of stuff, but people think i'm crazy because i got to fine. Youknow i i sing at day. I just thought about this. It was amazing, and i seethings like well on gimat do i was doing that when i had two years is sar at the far on before anything. Iwrite up a little more. I drive to the car room. My beer was seven thirty menfrom seven thirty, eight third, at twelve o'clock, when i was in dad tomiami, i go to a twenty cock men on the way home driving home instead ofgoing to the bar. I would double five thirty me and then at night i we, myson on a thirty. I haven't counted up. What was that free meetings? I used togo to four meetings a day for years without even thinking of it, becausebecause i had a real of the life, i was the man we were honest in because i wasinvolved in the madness and root of my life desie. What you don't have to doanything thing. I tell him to an i'm just so what i used to do. Okay, maybeyou can bury us or so a do it. The way you wanted to how you want to do it.You know, let's see whether it works for it so he's at this book sense. It says.Perhaps there is a better way. We think so. Yet one thing that hap oneof the top cuss my alcoholism, it sometimes i will read something. Iwon't see it when all this a great life fromrockwood group, it says a man can see something nine hundred and ninety nine times and see it the thousand time and see itfor the first time when you get involved with the we'llfind yourself a ten year sobriety, we...

...will win a big book thing. You read tosand times and all set in something to the same man. That's that's the answer, because there be stuff going on in yourlife. With that easy answer, and so here's the grip, a passer, is abetter way. We themselves, we are now on a different basis, the best oftrustall reline. Upon that by the way, that's the thing throughout the book.That's why it e e a the end of the bug et says once we sincerely makes thisdecision for god, because we got a good wiesel en er fills us that makes thempossible once you make a decision, bout, all sorts and markable things happen.You know powerful. He gives us everything. We me we stay close to theformers work well, but we may not know you. We cannot be sure exactlys, yourreelin has to be undone. You will show how to create the person a face. Thehair book was about having you five or powered myself, which they call god, which you solve your father, a faiththat works as there's a better every thing. So for an now it the base tobase oppressin line upon that we trust tifina god rather than or findourselves. We are in the world to play the world. He assigns just the insteadthat we do as we think he would have us and hungry rely on him thes. He enableus to match calamity with serenity. We never apologize to anywhere todepending upon our creator. I got it means when people are project to talkabout that, but we dipinto calling about, though, because other people atmeetings tell them, they should feel little talk. Bout of they tell them.Don't talk about that, let's farieno e spirit is stuff. They tell him stufflike that. Let me take some. I love this fellowship, but when he tak aboutthe stetion to save well people's anonymous yeris much that shiver as youfergot you better be careful about who you're looking you're listening to.That is some of you stuff. That is completely opposite of the broth, wherepeople that a tell remission is bad. I'm spirits and i be rigous. Theystarted like act as if they are better than all religious people, because theydon't have to go to the church or anything like that and tis. It's stupidand they're, just spiritual. Let me say some, i'm not spiritual. I ever on thetar atomy ow device, i'm looking at the blonde. You know what i mean: that's it you have. Maybe you have a diseasewhere you don't relate things were not addicted to other things. You wish youhad more things. You get the more safe. I only had this. Maybe you have thatkind of disease that has nothing to do with the worldly climates like welis asthat's, not my disease. Okay, i have a disease, i'm not spiritual,i'm religious, i'm, religious and spiritual who says i have a book. This says welose all purchase even against organized relation. We begin to seewhere these people ride in w we receive at the writer we adopt them. What am isupposed to do with the dog? Who wants to tell me how much we is in a stupidwhen the book says opposite? What am i supposed to do with stuff like thatname, that i hit that all the time for people and the book says on twodifferent places? We encourage church membership and they encourage churchmenders because they all went to church and said most of us do that because wewant to get close to god i mean i don't rely better excessivegot her to play bok, for i need a a you do. Well, i'm not in a caine year sober.You know i was, i described all the means. I a star everything. To give ito four hundred. I was go crazy. Let's go back a turnin to is in the round thewhole bit, and you know something i wasn'thappening when i said write, you know why, because it was getting stillbecause that wasn't growing. I just dan the means in the same old stuff, thesole stuff sometimes tapping on the show were he says, want to do this. Wesuggest that i got a bible study. I said i'm like going yeah, you o. I waser there because a said it was bad. I member i got that from its completeopposite of what they said. Dr bout me, but all time i started doing thateverything changed for me, so you have to git up. Just tell you what i d. Itsays we never pagine to departin...

...created, we can rap, sits and thinkspiritual tis, lay weakness. Paradoxical is eastre. The vert of rage is that is thatfakement search all manapiare perch. They trust their god. We neer apodes,for god. That's the second time that i forty said that you know i was saying asecond time because they never apologized. I got tu listens in thepodcast for god, dr bob on apologize for god, dr bob said with you atis orhad not toha some sort of intellectual part that keep you for understanding.What we're saying is stuk. I feel sorry for you, your heavenly fate will neverlet you down most people they, since that a aproposthink a dustin is a good thing. It's fantastic! That's not the position ofthe a a program under telling you. When i'm sorry, you can have no opinion. Youcan't have your own facts. They trust their god. We never padisefor that. Instead, we read in denis stray through us what he can do. We lethim demonstrate through us what he can do. We ask him to remove our fear anddirect our attention to whether you would have us be at once. We commencedthe outgo here. How many people let out to fear not the avengin an you know.Maybe you just want not no wit and you making up at three o'clock winninglearning about money, or maybe you just want to have rota and war with that,while you're mann, why you now have a girl, friend the boyfriend and what'sto happen, if this happens, but maybe you just like waking up with all sortsof people in your head, that you wear it out with the thing or that we re.Maybe you just like living a life of anxiety. I mean how many people like we walkingin the fourth dimension, we distance and experience much of pater. I know ifyou gonta be here for ten or fifty years. You might as well go on therocket tip. Why don't you think? That's what they're trying to tell you the dam?We any just sit on the ass and you say an sportin, a e riches, and you thinkyour body rely and your mind actually believes that shit when you wa youre. So scarcely, why areyou wearing so much all the time if you so spiritual? Why you wake upwan o that stuff, when this war to the o people think about yourself? Why areyou scared to talk about your anan about god? It is here so spiritual. You know, i'm an! I live at a wil befitin day. We was on and looking at other people to see water with life orwhat they like them, and they don't want. Why a you such an approval,junkie, why do you wor so much what peoplethink about you in a a you know something if you worry about whatpeople think i back you a a we're, not sober you're, not sober! Does that piss youoff? That's what you sponsor about it, because, whatever you, we said rightwhenever you disturb no matter what the course is something wrong with you. So if you want to go out there and sayone day, but that guy he just brought up, he was going about the program, getpissed off. Well, thank you. If you want to drink o, what i said, i guessuse was an excuse. Raby again, you come in here actuallydo something do something! So hmm we to i'm saying because i ais topeople that believe in done, we people that are doing this stuff, the peoplethat have been separate a be happenin. The boys want some were not a probewith anything, i'm saying the real, the real idea. The gennaro then have aproblem with everything i saying o the saying just tell in like it is. Theyknow exactly. What's going on, the guys are e. Thirty for tay know exactlywhat's going on, let you guys ur say: oh you ben oe, tooharsh. You know her hating alcoholis curtin a ahadis after the sites. The one thing i be ona a e, a k. I a i e l d e t s now you testoons place because ourfeelings, gatere meason evybody gets...

...son. Does this stuff is because theyentha and i'll tell you to no noxous of balltis in an alcohol that has had enough pain and believe me, i got with themall the time in my business, so the bottom line is, is why do i studies demonstrate? Why do istart and says my stories demonstrate? What used to be like what happened,whether we are like our store right, the stores and test more important,because if don is demonstrating your life, what this thing is all about, then thetruth of the matter is any story. I tell you that has anything to do with my supplyand how i act in my sobriety, what i have done, whether it be the leaststory or the chicken on the roof story, the simon e come out. Hal will somehowdemonstrate within the so every step, because, as you do this thing for fiveyears, ten years, fifteen years twenty years, you'll stay sober in mind andbody unless you're a life and emulates the steps and all you have to do. I saythis is what happened to me today. This is hell. This is the situation at ye. Ier of the situation is. This is how i felt about it, and this is how i acted,and you will be telling everybody's audience what the brie is about, and somebody will hear step three, andsomebody is here step one and somebody else so step twelve and you're here,whatever they're supposed to hear, because no no thing that we need totell a were to a bite is to be sincere. There's a friend of mine once said:once you learn how to face back, i got it made. So what is it after? Was that solutis? So i made up my mom when it was herthis morning i was going to actually talk about thestep and i have like fifty minutes pa. Yes, so i'm going to do a little nicestep step the prop du that i have actually done it. I almost see think i've never done yoursteps before i just said exacting be like that truly know. I did a first step when i belave step onto the first step we well now. This is a breviaries, a fast pace of rediae. Iget a force that man, you don't have to do it you fetteman putting me down theway i get is by table. I don't at this bo, listen, there's a charm in there.You know this is way i forget with everybody. I sponsor. Why don't you tryit the way they outline in the force step, and then you can do the thehazelton eighteen thousand set thing or whatever they do, i'm not putting thatdown. But i said we got our whole thing of this fucking somebody's attext thathas a chart where it has a list with number one. I resent my cousin what'sher face, why? Because she's a rich bitch, you know a salsa, an e problemsat seals that she's better in, but else what is this effect myself assume mypersonal ation. We have a tract, then, if you're an alcoholic- and you know wesay we let a we're- not pissed off at least ten people there's somethingwrong. You know what i mean. We know i just begot all my grips and then thenext thing. It says this regarding all bat crap and let think it you wherewere you at fault and then write at right on itself? You know, maybe it'sjust like gospel about it. Maybe it's just that. I everybody i talk. I sayyou know my cousin sounds like she's such a rich bit. Maybe i just tankedassassinator, who knows what i do and then they have a list of fears. An o oo o feofar, the in bro per people, laugh in that ye fear o being the wildlilian. Third bring a won all that you...

...now put that down. Then the lorst of ofthings have be with sexual deals. As far as where you've heard somebodywhere you've been set, you put the rest to i'm not going to listen to pistansecomes out of the fort, but it's not necessarily totally reforest in aforeste and after we do the fifth step, because your hot your sponsor records,you do the fist that, with they now enlighten you as to so they may tellyou that there are actually things that should be on the list: people thatyou've heard that, maybe you know you you know, maybe should be thinkingabout you know, and so i have to go wit, the fourth of this that then you have ab basis for now who should be on the h step less and the as that was was notnecessarily o ye have resented against. I had i had my son, my young son. I gotdivorce when he was five years old. Then i left the house and i didn't have er examined againsthim, but he was on my a step lest one saturday. I was supposed to pick themup and take him to do. I told him i was going to take the move zoo, so you gotto take a do that and sit absolutely and i really intended to take them todeserve. I swear i intended to take him in the zoo. You never intend wine to dosomething right and then for some reason you don't do it and then you sayi really want to do it. You know, but you don't show up and that morning tencocke's waiting for a study and i got a call from salad. We sold, we got takingup the night force said russell me and the gals you going out of theboat. Would you like to come long? Oh man, it started me thinking. I was asober as an right now i don't blame alcohol on being an ass all with erresponsible, i'm thinking, picking up my set in on to the zoo or sally on the boat sally with theboots, salad, with the girls sally with the sacks it was. It was an incredible struggle, but after about ten seconds it wasatossa happened. You know it was like you know what i mean and i didn't evenpas him up. I i stop at at a m, a t you know w. I did that and we knowsomething, and you know some of the live life like that trust me, you're,going to drink trust, the youre a drink, because deep dan inside was like alittle fortin dan gray. You know what you're doing this are and you're sayingyourself, people better than his mother. He was like a we're telling you stopall this space ship because i'm a rationalize to my sureties because itsays in the book on delusional. I can't separate the truth on the first, myalcoholic, the sense life seems on a life and deep down i side deep downright. Were we a constition ability to be honest with you? Selina say you areone piece of shit because you know: there's a life likethat to responsible people of their lives set like that monsters in theirlives like that crappy people in their lie, and i was a crappy person. I was aselfish crappy person. It was at an alcohol problem, was being a crappyperson, a selfish person probe, and i continued like that for five or six orten years when i was sober like three or threeyears, when i son went, we reder, he said you've been the worst tread. Inever and i was sober for many years and i was taking around he said ididn't want to all sorts of pins and my wife, okay,then said: why are you on to ton him off hot? To me says no, i'm just gonna,i'm goin to tell him every time i speak to my fame. Anything happens, i'm ajust going to rite. I'm gono tell how much i love. That's. Why i'm in a justget on how much i love, and i did that for about five or six years, everychase i yet i said i love. I love. I love how you know. I love you. I justre my my wife and my daughters. Is he and is he sisters were offended? Weknow the way i said no, they were all saying to me you an to cut, or i said,i'm stem love, and now there's got two two great grandparents who gave me anda wonderful wife and i'm visiting them...

...and about a few moth sons. Ben comedown to visit me, but we have a great relationship. You know because they didn't give himto i'll. Show him with le in se, is so my brother, so that i was growing up the one person i think i wasclosest to was my grandmother on my mother's son,nana ethel at tho. She was an interestingcharacter. You know i lived that i had to leave my house at ten, because my amy mother was an alcohol. I couldn't live there anymore and i had to leavemy house and stuff for a couple of years. I live with my my ad ate and,and i was one crazy son of the bitch til, i'm telling you i'm up on miamibeach. Almost every night, with my buddies, look in the scor runningaround trying to find the ladies doing all that crap and everything i we allsend it two o'clock three o'clock on em like their six in they need that fast,and i would always you know something, and they say i should say things youknow wrestle were basically a good boy which i'm not sure that that means not sure. Okay, so like dot inside, isprobably something wet about you. I don't know, but you know sometimes i mmy and you malta, something man. I would see her. I would get up in themorning she o wear chain smokin cigarettes, talking about how you onfor jerry, i'm wor about my uncle jerry. I just want. I worried about this.Owerhear wife was worried about the family worried at that. She justworried about everybody else. Maybe she was ca better. I don't know that i wasgoing off at a whole. Life was taking care of other people and worried aboutother people. That was it, but you know some.Whenever i amaan i bout twenty buck sure she s s. Twenty bucks go pettysure. I need money for a shore, he never gate. She never said. No. Shenever chastised me jasher one. When she always gave in the twenty buck. My grandma died the night i did myforester, then i i did my first step. I came homefrom it meeting and my life epimanes your grandmother passed away unexpected.I did have a chance to do a nice step and then managing my grandma. I justdidn't have the chance he passed away. So i have a brother and let me he's the youngest brother, i'mthe oldest boy, i'm the guy who was graduated under the lanes, mathematics,but the law school i in the division team. My younger brother was one who was leftwith my mother when she went through a west appolas in the house, he's the onewho had to go the hospitalized in a mental institution, because the factthat he had to deal with he was the one with his lex yea. He was the one he was the one who wasn't make. It was the opposite of me, and so my brother, my youngest brother,called me up one day and i had about three or four years, o over cri aff, mygrander bad, and he said- and it was you know likeit- was like a seven o'clock at night and i'm sort of lying down on the couch, and he said he said russell says: can i come onrest? What is what is it? I entus his name he's actually in thetoshi for thirty two years, a totin in a i said: what is it? What do you wantis, i know what he wanted. I knew what he wanted. I knew what we wanted. Weonly called me up for one thing: money and it said well, you know i'm a littlebit sure of the rat and we we train around, and i said i said so that's why you call me up atseven f. Nie was o need money for it and he says yeah. I really my i saidit's that impos. What do you mean where,...

...if you get so you need right now, soyou me right now now you got twelve of my house right now at seven o'clock atnight at night to get money you need it right now. Is that it he says yeah ineed right now i mean now. I wouldn't call. I wouldn't call you, i wouldn'tcall you for weston emerge. I said: okay, okay, come on over it that comeon over and i was like mad and angry because he called me up late night. Hewas running over it. He needed money and a sick and tired to give her moneyand all this sort of stuff, and i and the bottom i is i and i think, a partof my thinking was lit this fit of my thinking because i'm an a pork was, ifi mean enough, and if i coutime maybe he'll, never ask me for moneyagain. I know that was part of the thing andyou know just beat the shit out of them. So so i laid back down the couch war fromand a thing happened. I started thinkingabout my grandmother. I start thinking about my grandma as she always used to give me money. Soever use teal like me, she ever met made me feel bad and all she did wasworried about the family and how everybody was doing the family, and i start to what would mygrandmother do, but my brother called up a answer for twenty before she didntmoney and i have a chance to make make a mesto my grandmother. So by the time my brother showed up and he came on and he started cowering.You know what i mean. I said: hey come on it and he says i said s the mine ofme. He says humanity and then i said believe it or not. This is the truth. Isaid you need any more a in a i mean i was overcome by thespirit. Without a doesn't happen, t anybody come up and ask me for one. I said you eyelike how in sedona i bentake care of my brother for a long time. Myself and my other brother take careof my brother, and i got to be honest with you to me: it's an immense for mygrandma. I didn't do that because of me, i'm still a suffer sottish to me.That's a nice step amend that's the direct omens, my grandmother, whopassed away a couple years before that. That's an immense to my grandmother andi have a lot of stories i mean i honestly i swear. I actually did thestep, i'm still doing them, but i probably don't realize the most of timewith em be doing them so long. So like it's like a automaticon these days, youknow whenever i get disturbed, if that happens, it doesn't happen that often,but all do as an happens. You know for nato. Second, i get the stede. I saywhat the hell's wrong with it. Why is this spot? I figured i figure that i may, if, ifthat's real bad, i write it down. Otherwise, i pretty much know what itis. I know what the story was. I need to talk to somebody about a talk about,so i don't. Like things t i don't like living with the ghosts in my head of mychild ring for me at the window. When i don't show em, i don't like living with guilt. I don't i don't. I am no longer have to worry about running intoanybody. I don't. I don't have to check my phone,i d, to see who's. Calling i don't even accept the span, calls youknow what i mean. I do a. I hang up on them. You know i mean they did neverknow. I don't want to you know i mean i don't have to i don't i don't live alife where i see somebody and i turn around so man. I hope he doesn't soonand walk out the door.

I don't have to live a life of gift andwhy i live that life for many years. Do you know what it's like to live lifeor you actually worry about? What are you going to say fo run into summer? Yeah t i can explain yet what kind ofshooting like that is when you live life, worried about when somebody'sgoing to tell you that, what you're going to say to them and that's thelife. I live for many many years before coming day, yet he and for a few yearsafter i came out faltonius terrible living a gilt, a terrible de. So you see that is that pa presidentdid i i spin the tawera few okay. So thank you very much. A.

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