AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 6 months ago

Russell S. Step 9 at the 12 Step House 7/8/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 9 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 7/8/2021  

My Name's Russell Stats. I'm analcoholic South Take Sea Group. I haven't done necessary. I have a drinkingour have I since nuary twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. It's great privilege to be here with you, guys, and I wantto welcome few people. First of all, I see a lot of my friends. Hi Guys, on zoom there's a hybrid of me. I lovethese things. It says got a showy, had a great the felloshopy crave andyou know, I don't know about you guys, but the last year, year and a half or something like that, I've been going to aboutthree or four, five geen meetings a day and I have all these greatfriends and people that I've met who I love and care about from all theworld. And people were from I see Francis from Australia. Annie, Ithink you're up in washing DC, and Cindy, Kersey shore and all ofthe United States. Ivan. I'm praying for Steve. We're all praying forSteve. God less, sweetheart. We're all talking about and praying for youat Lester's. We miss you, guys, and so many people. Trinny andAndrea and I leave you out. Don't get upset with me. It'snice and all these people you and I want to especially welcome to people.Takes a lot of guts or read it takes a lot of guts. Yougot to be desperate either way, you know, to come to an ameeting, walk in here, and I think I want to spectually people thatare coming back and things like that, and see Morrison the audience some actuallyyou and your twenty three years. I know I twenty years recovery. That'sfantastic and it's just wonderful to be here with you guys. And and I'msure that that was this vicious one we're going around that there's a possibility thatI might actually talk about a step tonight. Go get ahead of me. I'mnot making any promises, you know. I mean I may have had anintention to talk about a step. And this is the step series.I think I'm rocketed. This is talk number ten and we're on the ninthstep. I'm not sure how that happened. Actually, I do know how thathappened. I came here one birthday night or something and I have likefifteen minutes to share something. So I did like a introduction to step forsomething. And so we're presumably on step night tonight. And and I wokeup this morning I just had this feeling, you know, I just feel Isaid, you know, I, I. I think I might actuallytalk about a step. To me, you know, I actually, Iknow you. My father started to believe I've been actually talking about all thesteps at every meeting. Have you caught that? Figured that out yet?I had a had a gentleman today at Lester's. So tell me about thewe're talking about this, this deal. You know, a lot of youguys have been here for a while, so you might know I when Isay chicken on the roof, you might know what I'm referring to if you'veever heard chicken out the roof. Story is a true story. The tripin the matter is that there's a hundred and ten people in the room tonight. There is no matter. What I'm saying is probably a hundred and tenstories done. There's a hundred whatever you're hearing. I've been to enough meansthat I know. First all, I can somehow have some control, notmuch, of what I say. I've no control over what you hear.I've you could hear what I say. You could hear what the word wantsyou to hear. You can hear all sorts of things. And and I'vebeen to enough means to learn that people walk up to and say, Ireally I you could speak for us. I really love it. When yousaid this, for you said that you know, half the time they getit right, but it wasn't. Mad doesn't matter. That's what they heard. You know what I mean. And and so settleman today what came upand says, you know, I really like the Leo story that he didn'tremember the Lea he said, the story of the guy who walked five milesto get to your house or he got a Bible stuff. So I reallyas said, you mean the Leo Story?...

He said, yeah, the LeoStory. I really love that story. And I said to myself, letme ask you something. I said, that's story that you are that reallyimpressed you. The kid that I spoke to at the laundroman and whoI told him if he showed up in my house at thirty, I takehim do a Bible study. This the seventeen year old, sixteen year oldkid, and that story about when I woke up that morning he was outby my car and he came to the Bible study for with me and andthat's an age story doesn't have anything to do withoutcohols and has to the lovingother people and carrying the message of alcoholics anonymous to other people, which doesn'tnecessarily have anything to do with auto we alcohols are sent of our disease.Are Disease Centers in our mind. It's about how we think about ourselves andhow we care about other people, really care about other people at all,or whether we're selfish. And and how he want the Bible study. ThenI drove them back and I found out that he had woken up at threeo'clock in the morning. I asked how he got to my house, andso he woke up at three o'clock in the morning and and walked five orsix miles to my house because he didn't want to miss me. That's howbad that he wanted to go to the Bible stuff. It was a sixteenyear old kid, no father, single mother, little three year old daughterand three year old sister and just a young kid trying to figure out hispay in life and what the Hell's going on. And he saw a Biblein my car. I have like our bibles, a big books in twelveand twelve, so all over the place. And said I got one of thoseand I said you wan to bibles as yeah, I said, Ithink you ever got a Bible stays is now. I said at my houseat seven thirty tomorrow morning I'll take you to a bottle study, men's brotherstudy, and he showed up my house and I didn't realize he had wantedit. woked up three o'clock. One of the works know five or sixmiles to the bottle stuff. So I took the man that I drove themback to his house. And so tonight, and so that's one of the story. That's a story I it's a story I tell. It's just stories, just a story about because if you're in this fellowship and you love Godand like Youill Wilson said, the word has been so wonderful to me.Cure me as terrible of these, but I'd have to keep talking about itand tell another people. You know, when we have when you're when you'regrateful for the miracle, but what is done in your life and you haveto tell other people about it. Listen, you just don't. You just don'trestrict yourself to people that happen to dollion in their pocket. You know, I still love people to have in the day. You're not having amedallion in your pocket. For me to love you, you're have to bea recovering alcoholic. We love you. You don't have to be an alcoholthat's not really and we coover with you to love you. Know I can. I can even show love and affection and try to help sixteen world kidsthat are fatherless, because that's what God wants me to give you. Bea maximum service to others, donally alcoholics. Now, so happens. He plantedme here, so this is sort of like my miss with this isI don't leave this place because this is where you planting me here because thisis where I'm most effective. But I can be effective with people aren't alcoholics. What we suffer from is basically common to most people. The fears wesuffer from, the anxiety we suffer from. We think it's like us and earthpeople, you know, I mean the people stuck from the same stuff. We know we something. They suffering. They just don't have any meetings together. It's just it's even worse for them, because they can suffer fromthe stuff until the day they die and never find a way out because thesuffering is great. But you want to something, they never get to thepoint where they have disease we have, when they start losing jobs over,you know, or they stought or something. The consequences are so bad that theyhave to do something to get out of their suffering. They just livelives of quiet desperation, as Henry Thorough said. But also, on theother hand, where the fortune, because in our suffering what we do iswe drink, but we drug and eventually...

...we die or kill somebody or hitsomebody or gets so bad where we are forced fed to accept something like thisand coming here or die or live life, a miserable life, and how wetake it to the bitter end, as they said. But we're we'resure we have no choice. We have a choice, but we really haveno choice. It's either life or death. It's a life or death thing forus. So I tell you. I told US story, the LealStory, and and I said to him, and I know it is he reallyand I noticed this throughout last what are you telling sober? I meanI told I've been told that story, but I don't know for thirty yearsnow and I noticed that he that's something. He paid attention to it. Theymeant something to him. I said it during one of these meetings.I don't want to set it on this, this step six whatever. Almost soI said to himrist I said, so what step do you think thatwas about? So what step you think that was about? You think thatwas about the that kid got up to thirty in the morning, where itwas the step before the step it says, if you want, we have anywill. We got to any link to get it and ready to takecertain steps. I said what step do you think that was better? Doyou think it was about the first step? Do you think that step was aboutthe step before the steps that says, if you want, we have youwon't got any light together, then you're you better anyway. To manythings about. How about? Do you think it's about the third step?You know, and that kid got up in the morning to go over thatBible steady and you think it's about the first step. You didn't. Youhave the sixth step, the step where you make such commitment to God andto do this thing that you're wayans go all out and about. You thinkit was about the sixth step, the seventh step. Maybe it's about theeleventh step, things got the eleventh step, maybe things about the twelve step.You know is it goes about twelve step work. But you think thatwas. I guess I guess it's. I guess it's whatever. I guessit's. I guess, I guess it's whatever. It's not the world.You don't see the world the way it is. See the world way youare. I suppose. If, in your heart, whether you know whator not, you're looking for somebody to talk about the third step, Iguess it's the third step story for you. If you're looking for someone talks aboutthe twelve step, I guess is a twelve step story for you.I'll bet if I told that story to a hundred ten people or something likethat, they'd be a hundred and ten. May Be some people that ain't lookingfor anything and they're not going to get anything from it. They won'teven remember that. The other people like this young man I spoke to,and he's looking for something. That story just extries that. He remembers itfrom two months ago. He remembers that story. They'll probably never forget thatstory. You may forget that it was Leo, but remember some story aboutsome kid who walk seven miles of sixteen year old kid. And I nothingwith alcoholism, but alcohol better had something to do with his alcoholism. Andso what I what I want, I what I guess I'm trying to sayis this here an alcohol this is this is a program of adopting a wayof life which the man's rigorous. Honestly, it's a way of life. Youknow, if you're an active out, I was an active alcohol if you'rean active act of alcohol, it means more than just drinking. Itmeans that dot adopting and a way of life that the man's dishonesty, adoptinga way of what? It means adopting a way of life where you're alwaysfeeling sorry for yourself. It means adopting a way of life where you're alwaysbringing other people for your problems. It means adopting a way of life whenyou walk around saying I can't believe this is happening to me again. Itmeans adopting way of life when you're always saying I'll show them that they don'tknow who I'm spirited. Who the hell...

...they think I am? I amnever going to. It means adopting a way of arrogant, defiant life thatis self destructive. Call enterger said, alcoholics and many them whoout this forthemselves. It's more than the drinking. The drinking is a semptom. Ithas to do with a way of life, you know, and if you're arecovering Alcaul, it means adoptor way of life which demands were as honest. But he's adopted a way of life which demands that, as they said, have to be agnostics where they say, they said, the idea being anagnostic, right alcohol or an atheist, must be abandoned. It means adoptingway of life. When you have to make a decision, God iseither everything or nothing. Ready is your decision going to be? It meansadopting a way of life where you're on a spiritual basis. It means awhole lot. It means so much more than drinking or not drinking. Asa matter of fact, the allay of life we have had nothing to dowith the drink of thing. You know what you don't they say in thein the fourthness that we are. We are one hundred alcoholics. You haverecovered from a hopeless state of mind. Body, or the whole state ofmind body is. It's not even feeling sorry for yourself. It's not.It's not even being set a hopelessly to my advice when you wake up inthe morning. So I'm not going to break today, but four' fuck you, drunk hopefull see to mind. The body is saying I'm not going goingto Gardenay and mean it. And by four o'clock you're search of the diamondsnippers importers. So you go down to it. When Dixie got two dollarand eighty nine sense Byo of Kyante and sit by the record player and drinkherself unconscious. It mean it means a dot, it means a hopeless stateof mind. Is When you can't stop drinking. He's when you can't.I have recovered. You have recovered, whether you know it or not,from a hopeless state of mind. Where recovered out? Let me tell yousome how many people came here because I couldn't stop. They're going to drugit. Raise your hand. How many people have stopped? I'm here.It's for ten days. You recall you that, don't you? Maybe youall remember. Let me, let me remind you, because you might haveforgotten. You came into Aa because you couldn't stop drinking. How's it workingfor you? You don't want your money being that demanded your money back.All you, but now you know you're insane. Now you know you crazy. You're crazy. Understand. I understand that. You know you've been told, and maybe you even believe, and it's true, that God will restoreyou to sanity. They just didn't tell you how long it was to take. I know you're drinking stocks you I'm stilling. I'm saying you go inthere. You know, if you drank a guy getting that is fast.I was a fast prinking because, I believe me, I want to bewalking in the fourth dimension immediately. You know, I always right for thelow one of getting bomb. You know, other people will say I'm feeling that. I said that's the whole point. You know what I mean. There'sis whack, whack, whack. You know what I mean. Andthat's the great thing about Scotch, where whatever it is you're drinking, becauseit gets you to the point where you really don't give a pass that Iwould people think about it and it happens quickly. This a is not likethat. You may spend the first ten years with people in your brain.You may spend the next ten years rabbling up in the shower, sober,working in alcoholics anonymas send to yourself on piece of shit out of film myself. I mean, you're an alcoholic. Let me tell you something. Someguys said. I think you have to put personality. I said, Iwish I get it down to too. It be okay. You're an alcoholic. You fluctuate between I'm the greatest guy in the world, I'm smart anybody, I'm better than anybody, and I'm a piece of shit out of killmyself. I mean. And when you got those two thoughts and you knowsomething, sometimes you're holding both in your...

...brain at the same time. Andwhen you have that goal for yourself, when you think you're incredible and youdon't get a shit about anybody and you don't tell they think about you,and on the other hand, all your think about is what they think ofout me. Why did I do that? I can't believe I said that.I'm not going to tell myself I'm let to be okay. When wegot that stuff going for you in your brain and real he's having a conversationwith only one person, the only person you ever talked to is you knowwho it is, you, and that person is sick, and you haveto do that sober, sober. In this world, which has a lotof moving parts. Are then crazy people that are mostly deserved. Put MeWrong. You might come to the conclusion, even after you stop drinking, thatthere's something more well, there's something wrong with you that has nothing todo with Scotch, and that doesn't necessarily go away because you better wanted toread. But three or for me, or if the five to ten yearswere fifteen years. And that's sort of like that's the thing you like forthat repeated humiliations, final crushing of your self sufficiency. That's something that goeson and on. You're looking steps over and over again, and so,like it says in the big book, right here, and I think thatthis one thing it says, who's on page sixty eight glass. There isa better way. We think, so this is the better way, butthat's why they say perhaps there's a better way. You know, when youare out for a while you know it's possible, when the consuless you andlist enuntil alcohol concepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, and you may spendthe first ten years finding out with alcoholism is really about. You Walk inhere. This is what he is, that you think alcoholism has something todo. We're there at something. You think it has to be not drinking. That's what you think it is. You think, well, you knowtec in the name alcoholics anonymous. You know what I mean. The booksis called alcoholics anonymous. You can't be blamed for thinking about something with drinking. They tell you don't drink. Even grass felts off. We're handing outchips for not drinking. They're doing with the downs. When I drinking,everybody's something about I'm not going to have an ad a drink. But youthink this is what you think that alcoholism has something to do with drinking.And then you spend the next forty years not drinking and working on your alcoholismand all and every month and every year and every decade, where concept ofwhat is alcoholism, how it affects you, whether it really is, where itreally is, that centers in your mind, in your body, whereyou really suffer from. It grows and grow and you get a different versionof what alcoholic behavior is and what Alcolos listen you get a whole different visionof what subliety is. You understand that just because you're nearly physically sober forsome people listening, with my sponsors, the guys who had twenty, thirty, forty years, just because you weren't drinking with me, you are sober. Trust me then, or sober at all. You know? They well, they say that man is sober. They means and then something more thanjust not drinking. And you may find yourself a five years sober, lookingat a guy who has ten years, twenty years, thirty or so oberand say I want what he has and not even though what he has.But no, like Bill Dotson said, in alcohol sound seventy three I knewthere was something more, something I hadn't got. I used to follow menaround the rooms, like real key, just follow man's like Joe Start.I used to follow guys doing steps hears because I wanted what they had andI thought of what they mean, like I've learned the secret, the secret, and I learned that I didn't know what the secret was, but Ijust thinking if I hung out with them, but we're at the restaurants with him. It did slip one way. They I hear something, you know, and the truth is it's true.

You start hanging out with them alot. But I mean that. Let me tell you something. To toget when most people won't have ever an a or in life, you haveto be willing to sometimes do what most people won't do. You know,a lot of people will go to a meeting, arrived on time and leaveright away. Even less we will make people will come for and stay late. Even less people will hang around with all the members of alcoholics anonymous orget sponsors and stuff like that. I mean, there are people that areactually, you know, honest thinking. The other day was interesting. Igot about five meetings there. I mean I'm able to do it now becausethe zoom. I go to a six am quiet time meeting where they basicallyjust is about forty fifty people, one hundret we read the Bible, differentspiritual things and do some meditation that. At seven o'clock I go to meanthat was surrending me online, and then at twelve o'clock I go to amen's meeting called men on track or men fully alive. You know, itwas a bunch of men bere maybe sometimes as many as a hundred men fromall over the world, maybe twenty five percent of more than thirty or fortyyears. I go to that mean and then at four o'clock I go tomy home group, for you, the South Dixie Group of four o'clock everyday, and then at night time like tonight. I mean if I'm doinga meeting, I'm usually doing something, I'll go to another thirty five meanslike that. And so people will say to me, will say when theylearn this, wow, that's a lot of mean that's a lot of these. Thats all. It's not for me, I mean I managed the whole damage. I'm a lawyer, I have a law office, I have fourchildren, seven grandchildren, I got a wife for forty years. I mean, just to me it's like nothing. It's like the rolling off a lot. I used to spend six hours out of golf course. I used to. I would walk into a bar at thirty in the afternoon and I wouldleave at three o'clock in the morning or four o'clock in the morning. Icould do that and I would see guys leave. I see guys leave afteran hour and I'd say we're they going to bruce and the ports are inhere. I could drink ten hours straight in a bar like it was nothing, you know what I mean, and I see people or Party or runaround and all set of stuff that people think I'm crazy because I got tofind these and you know, I sink. The other day I just thought aboutthis. It was amazing and I think things like well, on Jeromit's easy do. I was doing that when I had two years. Iwas doing at the floor zone before anything. I would make up in the morning, I drove to the car where my going to a thirty eight fromseven thirty eight through at twelve o'clock. When I was in Dad's in Miami, I go to a twelve o'clock on the way home, driving home insteadof going to the bar, I would go to a five thirty meet andthen at night I read my spoor away thirty. I Haven't count them up. What was that? For meetings? I just got a four meetings aday for years without even thinking of it because because I had a way oflife, demand were Sonstin because I was involved in the maintenance and growth ofmy life. Is that mean what? You don't have to do anything.I'm not telling you to do any and I'm just telling what I used todo. Okay, maybe you can do an easier, soft way, doit the way you want to do however you want to do it, youknow, and see whether it works for you. So here's what this booksays. It says perhaps there is a better way we face. So you'reone of the things that have. One of the consequences my alcoholism is sometimesI will read something I won't see it. You know, this is great linefrom the Oxford movie says a man can see something nine hundred and ninetynine times and see it the thousandth time and see it for the first time. When you get involveous thing, you'll find yourself a ten year sobriety.We relige the big book that you bad...

...ten thousand times at all of asudden means something to say. Man, that's that's the answer, because they'llbe stuff going on your life with that easy answer. And so here's thegrifts that pass. There is a better way. We think so, forwe are now in a different basis, the base of trusting, relign uponGod. By the way, that's the thing throughout the book. That's why, at the other end of the book that says, once we sincerely makesthis decision for God, because we got to get rid of the selfness orkills us. God makes the possible. Once you make a decision, Godall sorts and walking with things happen. You all powerful. Gives US everythingwe need to stay close to performance work well, but we may not know. You cannot be sure of that, because your reliance has to be undone. You will show you how to create the position you say. The wholebook is about having you find up power rate yourself, which they called God, which will solve your problem of faith. That works. Perhaps there is abetter way. We think self for now, a different base, thebase of trusting, the line upon God. We Trust diffinite God rather than Ifind ourselves. We are in the wall to play the role he assigns, just the extent that we do as we think he would of us andhumbly rely on him as he enabled us to match calamity with serenity. Wenever apologize to anyone for depending upon our creator. I got it means whatpeople apologized to talking about God. They feel good for quoting about God becauseother people at meetings tell them they should feel good to talk about God.They tell him, don't talk about God, you're scare with the you come.You're scare with US stuff. They tell him stuff like that. Letme tell you something. I love this fellowship, but let me tell youabout this fulship. To say, well, people's anonymous. You're as much badshit here as you feel good to see it here a good shit.You better be careful about who you look you're listening to that is telling youstuff that is completely opposite of the book, where people got to tell your religionis bad. I'm spiritual, not religious. They sort of like actors, if they are better than all religious people because they don't have to goto the church or anything like that and because it's stupid and they're just spiritual. Let me tell some I'm not spiritual. I'm either and on the terior orleft of my own device. I'm the goot, the blind, youknow what I mean. That's an alcohol kind of disease. I don't kindof disease you have. Maybe you have the disease where you don't love theafter things. You're not addicted to other things. You don't wish you hadmore things. You're getting more. Say if I only had this, maybeyou have that kind of disease. That has nothing to do with the world, the climates, like the wels and that. That's not my disease.Okay, I have a disease. I'm not spiritual, I'm I'm religious.I'm religious as spiritual. Who says? I have a book that says weuse all prejuice, even against the organized we mention. We begin to seewhat these people are riding and we see what they're riding and we adopt them. What am I supposed to do with a guy who wants to tell mehow much weision is stupid when the book says opposite? What am I supposedto do with stuff like that? Way, when I hear that all the timefrom people and the book says I'm two different places. We encourage churchmembership and they encourage church membership because they don't went to church. They said. Most of us do that because we want to get closer to God.I mean, I don't really going to get close to God here the PlayboyClub. I mean really go well, I'm not in a clothing. TenYears Sober. You know I was. I was going all the means.I was doing everything you told do I spot your hundred. I was goingcrazy. It's go back there, trading, two years in the world, thewhole bit. And you know something, I wasn't happening my sobriety, youknow, like because he was getting still, because I wasn't going.I was going to means here in the same old stuff, the same stuff. Some guy tapping out the show these is one to do this. Hesugg that. I got a Bible study said I'm not going here. Youknow why? I wasn't going there? Because a said it was bad.I'm the right. Got that fun. It's complete opposite of what they said. Dr Bobby, good old timers. I started doing that. Everything changedfor me. I'm not saying you have to do it, I'm just tellyou what I did. It says we...

...never apologize anyone for the pair pontarcareer. We can the episodes we think spurtchilbas way. Weakness, paradoxically isa way of strength. The wordth of rage is that is that faith meanscourage. All men of faith have coach. They trust their God. We neverapologize for God. That's the second time. That important. They saidthat. You know why? You said the second time? Because they neverapologize for God. There listens. An apologize to God, Dr Bobs,an apologize for God, Dr Bomb said, if you're an atheist, are atnot to got some sort of intellectual part that keeps you from understanding whatwe're saying this book. I feel sorry for you. You're heaving me farther. Will never let you down. Most people a think that AA applaud atheism. Think agnosticism is a good thing. It's fantastic. That's not the positionof the AA program I'm just telling you. You know. I'm sorry. Youcan have your own opinion, can't have your own facts. They trusttheir God. We never apologize for God. Instead, we let him demonstrate throughus what he can do. We let him demonstrate to us what hecan do. We asked him to remove our fear and direct our attention towhether he would have us be at once. We commenced the out go fear.How many people let out go fear not to have anxiety? And youknow, or maybe you just want to not not drink and be waking upat three o'clock the morning worrying about money. Or maybe you just want to watchit itch and worry about while you're around. And why you not gofrom the boyfriend and what's gonna Happen if this happens? Well, maybe youjust like waking up with all sorts of people in your head that you wereabout with the think about you're what you maybe you just like living a lifeof anxiety. I mean, how many people like you walking in the FourthDimension Existence and Experience Much of Heaven? I mean, if you're going tobe here for ten or fifteen years, you might as well go on therocket ship. Why don't you think that's what they're trying to tell you todo? What can you just sit on your ass and you say, well, I'm spiritual, out religious, and you think your body really and yourmind actually believe that shit when you're worry if you're so spiritual, why areyou wearing so much all the time, if you're so spiritual? Why doyou wake up worried about stuff? Why those worried about it when people thinkabout you? So why are you scared to talk about your means, aboutgot any? Because you're so spiritual? You know, I mean, Ilive in a world, before I came there, where I was always lookingat other people to see whether with like or what. They'd like me,and they don't want. Why are you such an approval junkie? Why doyou worry so much what people think about you? And a a. Youknow something. If you worry about what people think about you and a you'renot sober. You're not sober. Does that Piss you off? Will talkto your sponsor about because whatever you disturber, and if you disturbed, no matterwhat, the course is something wrong with you. So if you wantto go out there and say what, they invite that guy. He pissedme off. He was knowingthbout the program. Get pissed off. Well, thankyou. If you want to drink over what I said, dude,I guess use me as an excuse. Maybe you get you to come inhere actually do something, do something serious. HMM. Wellst what I'm saying,because I can tell you this, to people that believe in God,the people that are doing this stuff, the people that did separate or theboys, want something. They're not a problem with anything. I'm saying thereal death, the real deal, the genuine articles they're not a problem withanyone. I'm saying. You know, they're saying, he's just telling whatit is. They know exactly what's going on. You guys are the thirtyfour. They don't exactly what's going on. Let you guys are saying you're beinga little too hard. You know, her burting alcoholics, pretty alcoholics.After the feelings we have ass the only things I'll be with on apart just alcoholics. We can. We drove them for they all died withthes. How you can't put an alcoholics an alcoholic schoolings. These that we'rehere in the first place. It because our feelings got hurt. He isme be other weak and Robin and do...

...whatever we do. The only reasonanybody gets sobering business stuff is because they're in the pain. And I'll tellyou, if you don't know the an obnaxious aut off case, it's analcohol that has had enough pain. And believe me, I deal with themall the time in my business. So the bottom line is is why doour stories demonstrate? Why do our stuff and says our stories demonstrate? Wheredo you see? Like what happen? Whatever you like our store? Whythe stores and test more important, because the God is demonstrating in your lifewhat this thing is all about. Then the truth of the matter is anystory I tell you that has anything to do with my soubriety and how Iact and my sobriety and what I have done, whether even Leo story forthe chicken out the Rue story, because I'm a recovery alcohol will somehow demonstratewithin the story every step, because they have to. You do this thingfor five years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty years. You don'tsay sober in mind and body unless your wife illuminates the steps, and allyou have to do is saying this is what happened to me today, thisis how this is the situation happen. I thought of the situation is,this is how I felt about it and this is how I acted. Andyou will be telling everybody in the audience what sublt is about, and somebodywill hear step three, and somebody will hear step one and somebody else.You're step twelve and you'll hear whatever they're supposed to hear, because the only, the only thing that you need to tell it. We're do a goodaim is to be sincere. There's a friend of mine when said, onceyou learn how to face back, you got to make so what is itafter this? After Nights? So I made up my mom a n thismorning. I was going to actually talk about the step and I have likefifteen minutes Laif left, so I'm going to do a littleline step step toprove to you that I have actually done it, and I almost you thinkI've never done the steps before. I just said lacking about being good book. I don't like that shuffle. Okay, you know I did a first step. You know the eight step comes to the fourth step. Well,you all know this is abbreviated. Is A fast pace. Abbreviated that Idid a four step. Now you don't have to do it and you haveto get mad at me. I'm not putting you down. The way Idid is by the book. I dopened up this book. Listen, there'sa chart in there. You know this. Laughing it with everybody I sponsored.Why don't you try it the way they outlined in the fourth step andthen you can do the eight, the Hazelton eighteen thousand step thing or whateverthey do. I'm not putting that down, but I said we got a wholething this book and somebody's at text that it has a chart where ithas a list with number one. I resent my cousin. What's her face? Why? Because she's a rich Birit. You know. It's you always neverhad any problems and she always thinks she's better anybody else. What isthis effect my self esteem, my personal religion? We have a chart there. If you're an alcoholic and you don't resent, if you're you're not pissedoff at least ten people, there's something wrong. You know what I mean? Well, I just done all my bridges and then the next thing itsays, disregarding all that crap and that they did to you, where wereyou with fault? And write down what I'm at fault. You know,maybe it's just like Gospel about it. Maybe it's just that I'm everybody Italked to. I said, you know, my cousin sounds like she's such arich bit. Maybe I just tart assassinator. Who knows what I did? And then they have a list of fears. You know what I mean. You know. You know, for being broke, your people laughing atyet fear being a young really and feel being alone on that. You know, put that down there. Then a...

...list of things having to do withsexual deals as far as where you've hurt somebody, where you've been stuck.Dip with a list. I'm not going to list. It's a poston stuff. The a step comes out of the fourth step, but it's not necessarilytotally. The Fourth of this is me and the fourth step. And afteryou do the fifth step because you're hot, you are sponsor rt as you dothe first step. Word, they know, enlighten you as to theymay tell you that they're actually things that should be on the list. Peoplethat you've heard that maybe you know. You you know, maybe you shouldbe thinking of that. You know, and and so I have to gothrough the fourth of this. That then you have a rid basis for knowwho should be on the a steps. And the A set list is notnecessarily people have resentment against I had. I had my son, my youngson. I got divorced when he was five years old. Then I leftthe house and he I didn't. Never resentment against him, but he wason my step list. One Saturday I was supposed to pick him up andtake them the zoo. I told him I was going to take a newzoo. So you're gonna take me? Use that, I see. Absolutely, and I really intended to take them to the zoo. I swear Iintended to take a new zoo. You never intend really to do something rightand then for some reason you don't do it and then you say I reallywanted you to do it, you know, but you don't show up. Andthat morning ten tack, he's waiting for daddy and I got a callfrom Sally. Well, Sald the guys taken like wor said, Russell meand the GALS, you're going out of the boat. Would you like tocome home? Oh man started me thinking I was a sobers. I amright now. I don't bring that cool and being an asshole or responsible.I'm thinking picking up my set and going to the zoo, or sally onthe boat, Sally with the boobost, Sally with the girls, Sally withthe Sash. It was it was an incredible struggle. After that ten secondsit was anchors. Sure what happened. You know what it was like.You know what I mean. And I didn't even tell him up. Istop that from you. You know what I mean. But you know Idid that and you know something Moma. And you know something, you livea life like that. Trust me, you're going to drink. Trust me, you're going to drink because deep down inside there's like a little fortune guymegray, you know what you're doing. Wristle wrote and you're saying yourself he'dbe better with his mother, he would like it, and you're telling youstop all this bullshit, because I'm a rationalize. I tell myself actualize,because it says in the book I'm delusional. I can't separate the truth from thefalse. My alcohol with the suds like, seems going normal. Iand deep down inside, deep down right there rather constutional ability. To behonest with I, something saying you are one piece of Shit, because youknow, there's their life's like that. He responsible people with their life setlike that. Monsters live their lives like that, crappy people in their life, and I was a crappy person. I was a selfish, crappy person. It was an alcohol problem. Who is being a crappy person? Aselfish person problem? And I continued like that for five or six or tenyears. When I was sober, like three or four years. My sonwon't be a letter. He said you've been the worst that I never andI was sober for many years and I was taking around. He said,I don't want to all sorts of things, and my wife okay. Then said, well, you want to cut him off and don't tell me,says. Now I'm just gonna I'm going to tell him every time I speakto me, anything, anything happens, I'm it just going to run.I'm gonna tell how much I love it. That's all I'M gonna. I'm justa tell my much I love and I did that for about five orsix years. Every chance I yet, I said I love you, Ilove you, I love you. How you know I love you? Ijust want my my wife and my daughter's is his, and it's his sisterswho are offended. You know the way. I said no, they're all sayingthe order cut. I said no, I'm still tell my love. Andnow is that to to great grandkids. He gave me a wonderful wife andI'm visiting limit about a few months.

Things can come down to visit me. We have a great relationship, you know, because I didn't giveinto I'll show him who the hell you things. He is so my brother. So when I was growing up, the one person I think I wasclosest to was my grandmother on my mother's side, Nana Ethel. I feltshe was an interesting character. You know, I lived with that. I hadto leave my house at because my what, my mother was an alcoholic, from live there anymore and I have to leave my house. And sofor a couple of years I lived with my Nanth and and I was onecrazy son of a bitch. Hit I'm telling you. I'm up on Miamibeach almost every night with my buddies looking the score, running around trying tofind the ladies, doing all that crap and everything. I will send ittwo o'clock, three o'clock and morning, feeling like they're s they didn't needthat craft. And I would always you know something and they say you shouldsay things. You know, Russell, you're basically a good boy, whichI'm not sure that that means. It's a compliments, okay, instead oflike deep, deep, deep down inside is probably something go about you.I don't know. They you know somebot my, My, and you know, I'll taste somebody. Man, I would see here. I would getup in the morning. She did there chain smoking cigarettes, talking about howyour uncle marry. I'm worried about my uncle Jerry. All this what I'mworried about. This I'm like all her whole life was worried about the family, worried about she just worried about everybody else. Maybe she was God better. I don't know. That was going on, but our whole life wastaking care of other people and worried about other people. That was it.But you know, some whenever I grandma can, I bought a twenty bucksshort. She S I was says Twenty Bucks, Guy for you. SureI th money for a sure. He never gate, she never said no, she never chastised me. She always showed me longer than she always gaveinto twenty bucks. My grandma died the night I did my first step.The Night I did my fourth step, I came home from a meeting andmy my wife Company says your grandmother passed away unexpectedly. I have a chanceto do a nice step and the manager my grandmother. I just did anotherchance she passed away. So I have a brother and let me he's theyoungest brother. I'm the oldest brother. I'm the guy who was graduate departmentalhonors and mathematics, but the law school and in the division chief. Myyounger brother was one who was left with my mother when she went through aworst Oupho was in the house. He's the one who had to go thehospitalized and the mental institution because the path that he had to deal with.He was the one with dyslexia. He was the one. He was theone who wasn't me. He was the opposite of me. And so mybrother, my youngest brother, called me up one day and I had aboutthree or four years sober. It's bride half my grandfather's and he said,and it was, you know, like it was like a seven o'clock atnight and I'm sort of lying down on the couch and he said, hesaid, Russell says, can I come up? I said, what isit? What is it? I'll have to use his name. He's actuallyin the fellowship for thirty two years, thirty two, thirty years, youknow. And then I said, well, what is it? What he wants. I knew what he wanted. I knew what he wanted. Iknew what he wanted. He only called me up for one thing, moneyand he said, well, you know, I'm a little bit sure of therats, I will be turn the rent and I said, I said, so that's why you call up seven o'clock night, which need money friends? He says, yeah, I really need my I said it's that important. So what do you need? Well, if you get so, you needright now. So you knew right...

...now, now, if you gotto come over my house right now, at seven o'clock at night, atnight to get money, you needed right now. Is that it? Hesays, yeah, I need it right now. I mean now. Iwouldn't call I wouldn't call you, I wouldn't call you for wasn't an emergency. I said, okay, okay, come on over, but now comeon over. And I was like mad and angry because he called me uplate night, he was running over, he needed money and I was sickand tired of giving the money and all that sort of stuff, and Iand and the bottom line is is, and I think that part of mythinking was get this. Part of my thinking, because I'm an alcoholic,was, if I mean enough and if I heard him enough, maybe he'llnever ask me for money again. I know that was part of the thinking. You know, just beat the shit out of them, and so soI laid back down in the couch waiting from and you think happened? Istart thinking about my grandmother. I start thinking about my grandmother. She alwaysused to give me money. She never used to deal with me, shenever let me made me feel bad, and all she did was worried aboutthe family and how everybody was doing the family. And I started to whatwould my grandmother do if my brother called him up and asking for twenty dollarsor fort? She give him the money and I have a chance to makemake meds to my grandmother. So by the time my brother showed up andhe came in and sort of coloring, you know what I mean. Isaid, I come on it and he says, I said, here's themoney you need. He says to nearly and then I said, believe itor not, this is the truth. I said you eat anymore, aneven more. I mean, I was overcome by the spirit. What doesn'thappen? Anybody come up and ask me for money? I think you didme and he like how he scarce? No, man, I don't reallyand I didn't take care of my brother for a long time. Myself andmy other brother take care of my brother and I got to be honest withyou. To me it's an immense to my grandmother. I didn't do thatbecause of me. I'm still selfer some of this. To me that's anice step of ends. That's the direct amense my grandmother, who passed awaya couple years before that. That's an immense to my grandmother and I havea lot of stories that. I mean I honestly. I swear I actuallydid the steps. I'm still doing them, but I probably don't really realize mostof the time because I'm the doing them so long. So like it'slike an automatically, you know these days, you know whatever. I get disturbed. If that happens, it doesn't happen that often, but all thewants while it happens, you know, for Nan a second I get disturbedand I say, what the Hell's wrong with me? Why is this spot? I figured it. I figure it that I may if it gets realbad, I write it down. Otherwise a pretty much know what it is. I know what the story is and he talks. Somebody got to talkabout I don't like things. I don't like living with the ghosts in myhead of my child out rating for me at the window when I don't showup. I don't like living with guilt. I don't. I don't. Iam no longer have to worry about running into anybody. I don't.I don't have to check my phone ID to see who's calling me. I'mgoing to accept the stam calls. You know what I mean. I Ihang up on them. You know I mean. You never know. Idon't want to. You know I mean. I don't have to. I don't. I don't live a life where I see somebody and I turn aroundit man, I hope he doesn't seem and walk out the door. Idon't have to live a life of gist...

...and why I live that life formany years. You know what it's like to live a life will you actuallyworry about? What are you going to say if you run into somebody's Ican explain that. What kind of Shitty life that is when you live alife worried about whether somebody's going to call you and what you're going to sayto him. And that's the life I lived for many, many years beforecoming day Ay and for a few years after I came about. Boss isterrible. Living with guilt. It's a terrible deal. So you see,it is that qualifies a Longth that I do at will life, stepping therea few, there was a few others. Okay, so thank you very much. Got.

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