AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 9 at the 12 Step House 7/8/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 9 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 7/8/2021  

My Name's Russell Stats. I'm an alcoholic South Take Sea Group. I haven't done necessary. I have a drinking our have I since nuary twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. It's great privilege to be here with you, guys, and I want to welcome few people. First of all, I see a lot of my friends. Hi Guys, on zoom there's a hybrid of me. I love these things. It says got a showy, had a great the felloshopy crave and you know, I don't know about you guys, but the last year, year and a half or something like that, I've been going to about three or four, five geen meetings a day and I have all these great friends and people that I've met who I love and care about from all the world. And people were from I see Francis from Australia. Annie, I think you're up in washing DC, and Cindy, Kersey shore and all of the United States. Ivan. I'm praying for Steve. We're all praying for Steve. God less, sweetheart. We're all talking about and praying for you at Lester's. We miss you, guys, and so many people. Trinny and Andrea and I leave you out. Don't get upset with me. It's nice and all these people you and I want to especially welcome to people. Takes a lot of guts or read it takes a lot of guts. You got to be desperate either way, you know, to come to an a meeting, walk in here, and I think I want to spectually people that are coming back and things like that, and see Morrison the audience some actually you and your twenty three years. I know I twenty years recovery. That's fantastic and it's just wonderful to be here with you guys. And and I'm sure that that was this vicious one we're going around that there's a possibility that I might actually talk about a step tonight. Go get ahead of me. I'm not making any promises, you know. I mean I may have had an intention to talk about a step. And this is the step series. I think I'm rocketed. This is talk number ten and we're on the ninth step. I'm not sure how that happened. Actually, I do know how that happened. I came here one birthday night or something and I have like fifteen minutes to share something. So I did like a introduction to step for something. And so we're presumably on step night tonight. And and I woke up this morning I just had this feeling, you know, I just feel I said, you know, I, I. I think I might actually talk about a step. To me, you know, I actually, I know you. My father started to believe I've been actually talking about all the steps at every meeting. Have you caught that? Figured that out yet? I had a had a gentleman today at Lester's. So tell me about the we're talking about this, this deal. You know, a lot of you guys have been here for a while, so you might know I when I say chicken on the roof, you might know what I'm referring to if you've ever heard chicken out the roof. Story is a true story. The trip in the matter is that there's a hundred and ten people in the room tonight. There is no matter. What I'm saying is probably a hundred and ten stories done. There's a hundred whatever you're hearing. I've been to enough means that I know. First all, I can somehow have some control, not much, of what I say. I've no control over what you hear. I've you could hear what I say. You could hear what the word wants you to hear. You can hear all sorts of things. And and I've been to enough means to learn that people walk up to and say, I really I you could speak for us. I really love it. When you said this, for you said that you know, half the time they get it right, but it wasn't. Mad doesn't matter. That's what they heard. You know what I mean. And and so settleman today what came up and says, you know, I really like the Leo story that he didn't remember the Lea he said, the story of the guy who walked five miles to get to your house or he got a Bible stuff. So I really as said, you mean the Leo Story?...

He said, yeah, the Leo Story. I really love that story. And I said to myself, let me ask you something. I said, that's story that you are that really impressed you. The kid that I spoke to at the laundroman and who I told him if he showed up in my house at thirty, I take him do a Bible study. This the seventeen year old, sixteen year old kid, and that story about when I woke up that morning he was out by my car and he came to the Bible study for with me and and that's an age story doesn't have anything to do withoutcohols and has to the loving other people and carrying the message of alcoholics anonymous to other people, which doesn't necessarily have anything to do with auto we alcohols are sent of our disease. Are Disease Centers in our mind. It's about how we think about ourselves and how we care about other people, really care about other people at all, or whether we're selfish. And and how he want the Bible study. Then I drove them back and I found out that he had woken up at three o'clock in the morning. I asked how he got to my house, and so he woke up at three o'clock in the morning and and walked five or six miles to my house because he didn't want to miss me. That's how bad that he wanted to go to the Bible stuff. It was a sixteen year old kid, no father, single mother, little three year old daughter and three year old sister and just a young kid trying to figure out his pay in life and what the Hell's going on. And he saw a Bible in my car. I have like our bibles, a big books in twelve and twelve, so all over the place. And said I got one of those and I said you wan to bibles as yeah, I said, I think you ever got a Bible stays is now. I said at my house at seven thirty tomorrow morning I'll take you to a bottle study, men's brother study, and he showed up my house and I didn't realize he had wanted it. woked up three o'clock. One of the works know five or six miles to the bottle stuff. So I took the man that I drove them back to his house. And so tonight, and so that's one of the story. That's a story I it's a story I tell. It's just stories, just a story about because if you're in this fellowship and you love God and like Youill Wilson said, the word has been so wonderful to me. Cure me as terrible of these, but I'd have to keep talking about it and tell another people. You know, when we have when you're when you're grateful for the miracle, but what is done in your life and you have to tell other people about it. Listen, you just don't. You just don't restrict yourself to people that happen to dollion in their pocket. You know, I still love people to have in the day. You're not having a medallion in your pocket. For me to love you, you're have to be a recovering alcoholic. We love you. You don't have to be an alcohol that's not really and we coover with you to love you. Know I can. I can even show love and affection and try to help sixteen world kids that are fatherless, because that's what God wants me to give you. Be a maximum service to others, donally alcoholics. Now, so happens. He planted me here, so this is sort of like my miss with this is I don't leave this place because this is where you planting me here because this is where I'm most effective. But I can be effective with people aren't alcoholics. What we suffer from is basically common to most people. The fears we suffer from, the anxiety we suffer from. We think it's like us and earth people, you know, I mean the people stuck from the same stuff. We know we something. They suffering. They just don't have any meetings together. It's just it's even worse for them, because they can suffer from the stuff until the day they die and never find a way out because the suffering is great. But you want to something, they never get to the point where they have disease we have, when they start losing jobs over, you know, or they stought or something. The consequences are so bad that they have to do something to get out of their suffering. They just live lives of quiet desperation, as Henry Thorough said. But also, on the other hand, where the fortune, because in our suffering what we do is we drink, but we drug and eventually...

...we die or kill somebody or hit somebody or gets so bad where we are forced fed to accept something like this and coming here or die or live life, a miserable life, and how we take it to the bitter end, as they said. But we're we're sure we have no choice. We have a choice, but we really have no choice. It's either life or death. It's a life or death thing for us. So I tell you. I told US story, the Leal Story, and and I said to him, and I know it is he really and I noticed this throughout last what are you telling sober? I mean I told I've been told that story, but I don't know for thirty years now and I noticed that he that's something. He paid attention to it. They meant something to him. I said it during one of these meetings. I don't want to set it on this, this step six whatever. Almost so I said to himrist I said, so what step do you think that was about? So what step you think that was about? You think that was about the that kid got up to thirty in the morning, where it was the step before the step it says, if you want, we have any will. We got to any link to get it and ready to take certain steps. I said what step do you think that was better? Do you think it was about the first step? Do you think that step was about the step before the steps that says, if you want, we have you won't got any light together, then you're you better anyway. To many things about. How about? Do you think it's about the third step? You know, and that kid got up in the morning to go over that Bible steady and you think it's about the first step. You didn't. You have the sixth step, the step where you make such commitment to God and to do this thing that you're wayans go all out and about. You think it was about the sixth step, the seventh step. Maybe it's about the eleventh step, things got the eleventh step, maybe things about the twelve step. You know is it goes about twelve step work. But you think that was. I guess I guess it's. I guess it's whatever. I guess it's. I guess, I guess it's whatever. It's not the world. You don't see the world the way it is. See the world way you are. I suppose. If, in your heart, whether you know what or not, you're looking for somebody to talk about the third step, I guess it's the third step story for you. If you're looking for someone talks about the twelve step, I guess is a twelve step story for you. I'll bet if I told that story to a hundred ten people or something like that, they'd be a hundred and ten. May Be some people that ain't looking for anything and they're not going to get anything from it. They won't even remember that. The other people like this young man I spoke to, and he's looking for something. That story just extries that. He remembers it from two months ago. He remembers that story. They'll probably never forget that story. You may forget that it was Leo, but remember some story about some kid who walk seven miles of sixteen year old kid. And I nothing with alcoholism, but alcohol better had something to do with his alcoholism. And so what I what I want, I what I guess I'm trying to say is this here an alcohol this is this is a program of adopting a way of life which the man's rigorous. Honestly, it's a way of life. You know, if you're an active out, I was an active alcohol if you're an active act of alcohol, it means more than just drinking. It means that dot adopting and a way of life that the man's dishonesty, adopting a way of what? It means adopting a way of life where you're always feeling sorry for yourself. It means adopting a way of life where you're always bringing other people for your problems. It means adopting a way of life when you walk around saying I can't believe this is happening to me again. It means adopting way of life when you're always saying I'll show them that they don't know who I'm spirited. Who the hell...

...they think I am? I am never going to. It means adopting a way of arrogant, defiant life that is self destructive. Call enterger said, alcoholics and many them whoout this for themselves. It's more than the drinking. The drinking is a semptom. It has to do with a way of life, you know, and if you're a recovering Alcaul, it means adoptor way of life which demands were as honest. But he's adopted a way of life which demands that, as they said, have to be agnostics where they say, they said, the idea being an agnostic, right alcohol or an atheist, must be abandoned. It means adopting way of life. When you have to make a decision, God is either everything or nothing. Ready is your decision going to be? It means adopting a way of life where you're on a spiritual basis. It means a whole lot. It means so much more than drinking or not drinking. As a matter of fact, the allay of life we have had nothing to do with the drink of thing. You know what you don't they say in the in the fourthness that we are. We are one hundred alcoholics. You have recovered from a hopeless state of mind. Body, or the whole state of mind body is. It's not even feeling sorry for yourself. It's not. It's not even being set a hopelessly to my advice when you wake up in the morning. So I'm not going to break today, but four' fuck you, drunk hopefull see to mind. The body is saying I'm not going going to Gardenay and mean it. And by four o'clock you're search of the diamonds nippers importers. So you go down to it. When Dixie got two dollar and eighty nine sense Byo of Kyante and sit by the record player and drink herself unconscious. It mean it means a dot, it means a hopeless state of mind. Is When you can't stop drinking. He's when you can't. I have recovered. You have recovered, whether you know it or not, from a hopeless state of mind. Where recovered out? Let me tell you some how many people came here because I couldn't stop. They're going to drug it. Raise your hand. How many people have stopped? I'm here. It's for ten days. You recall you that, don't you? Maybe you all remember. Let me, let me remind you, because you might have forgotten. You came into Aa because you couldn't stop drinking. How's it working for you? You don't want your money being that demanded your money back. All you, but now you know you're insane. Now you know you crazy. You're crazy. Understand. I understand that. You know you've been told, and maybe you even believe, and it's true, that God will restore you to sanity. They just didn't tell you how long it was to take. I know you're drinking stocks you I'm stilling. I'm saying you go in there. You know, if you drank a guy getting that is fast. I was a fast prinking because, I believe me, I want to be walking in the fourth dimension immediately. You know, I always right for the low one of getting bomb. You know, other people will say I'm feeling that. I said that's the whole point. You know what I mean. There's is whack, whack, whack. You know what I mean. And that's the great thing about Scotch, where whatever it is you're drinking, because it gets you to the point where you really don't give a pass that I would people think about it and it happens quickly. This a is not like that. You may spend the first ten years with people in your brain. You may spend the next ten years rabbling up in the shower, sober, working in alcoholics anonymas send to yourself on piece of shit out of film myself. I mean, you're an alcoholic. Let me tell you something. Some guys said. I think you have to put personality. I said, I wish I get it down to too. It be okay. You're an alcoholic. You fluctuate between I'm the greatest guy in the world, I'm smart anybody, I'm better than anybody, and I'm a piece of shit out of kill myself. I mean. And when you got those two thoughts and you know something, sometimes you're holding both in your...

...brain at the same time. And when you have that goal for yourself, when you think you're incredible and you don't get a shit about anybody and you don't tell they think about you, and on the other hand, all your think about is what they think of out me. Why did I do that? I can't believe I said that. I'm not going to tell myself I'm let to be okay. When we got that stuff going for you in your brain and real he's having a conversation with only one person, the only person you ever talked to is you know who it is, you, and that person is sick, and you have to do that sober, sober. In this world, which has a lot of moving parts. Are then crazy people that are mostly deserved. Put Me Wrong. You might come to the conclusion, even after you stop drinking, that there's something more well, there's something wrong with you that has nothing to do with Scotch, and that doesn't necessarily go away because you better wanted to read. But three or for me, or if the five to ten years were fifteen years. And that's sort of like that's the thing you like for that repeated humiliations, final crushing of your self sufficiency. That's something that goes on and on. You're looking steps over and over again, and so, like it says in the big book, right here, and I think that this one thing it says, who's on page sixty eight glass. There is a better way. We think, so this is the better way, but that's why they say perhaps there's a better way. You know, when you are out for a while you know it's possible, when the consuless you and list enuntil alcohol concepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, and you may spend the first ten years finding out with alcoholism is really about. You Walk in here. This is what he is, that you think alcoholism has something to do. We're there at something. You think it has to be not drinking. That's what you think it is. You think, well, you know tec in the name alcoholics anonymous. You know what I mean. The books is called alcoholics anonymous. You can't be blamed for thinking about something with drinking. They tell you don't drink. Even grass felts off. We're handing out chips for not drinking. They're doing with the downs. When I drinking, everybody's something about I'm not going to have an ad a drink. But you think this is what you think that alcoholism has something to do with drinking. And then you spend the next forty years not drinking and working on your alcoholism and all and every month and every year and every decade, where concept of what is alcoholism, how it affects you, whether it really is, where it really is, that centers in your mind, in your body, where you really suffer from. It grows and grow and you get a different version of what alcoholic behavior is and what Alcolos listen you get a whole different vision of what subliety is. You understand that just because you're nearly physically sober for some people listening, with my sponsors, the guys who had twenty, thirty, forty years, just because you weren't drinking with me, you are sober. Trust me then, or sober at all. You know? They well, they say that man is sober. They means and then something more than just not drinking. And you may find yourself a five years sober, looking at a guy who has ten years, twenty years, thirty or so ober and say I want what he has and not even though what he has. But no, like Bill Dotson said, in alcohol sound seventy three I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got. I used to follow men around the rooms, like real key, just follow man's like Joe Start. I used to follow guys doing steps hears because I wanted what they had and I thought of what they mean, like I've learned the secret, the secret, and I learned that I didn't know what the secret was, but I just thinking if I hung out with them, but we're at the restaurants with him. It did slip one way. They I hear something, you know, and the truth is it's true.

You start hanging out with them a lot. But I mean that. Let me tell you something. To to get when most people won't have ever an a or in life, you have to be willing to sometimes do what most people won't do. You know, a lot of people will go to a meeting, arrived on time and leave right away. Even less we will make people will come for and stay late. Even less people will hang around with all the members of alcoholics anonymous or get sponsors and stuff like that. I mean, there are people that are actually, you know, honest thinking. The other day was interesting. I got about five meetings there. I mean I'm able to do it now because the zoom. I go to a six am quiet time meeting where they basically just is about forty fifty people, one hundret we read the Bible, different spiritual things and do some meditation that. At seven o'clock I go to mean that was surrending me online, and then at twelve o'clock I go to a men's meeting called men on track or men fully alive. You know, it was a bunch of men bere maybe sometimes as many as a hundred men from all over the world, maybe twenty five percent of more than thirty or forty years. I go to that mean and then at four o'clock I go to my home group, for you, the South Dixie Group of four o'clock every day, and then at night time like tonight. I mean if I'm doing a meeting, I'm usually doing something, I'll go to another thirty five means like that. And so people will say to me, will say when they learn this, wow, that's a lot of mean that's a lot of these. Thats all. It's not for me, I mean I managed the whole damage. I'm a lawyer, I have a law office, I have four children, seven grandchildren, I got a wife for forty years. I mean, just to me it's like nothing. It's like the rolling off a lot. I used to spend six hours out of golf course. I used to. I would walk into a bar at thirty in the afternoon and I would leave at three o'clock in the morning or four o'clock in the morning. I could do that and I would see guys leave. I see guys leave after an hour and I'd say we're they going to bruce and the ports are in here. I could drink ten hours straight in a bar like it was nothing, you know what I mean, and I see people or Party or run around and all set of stuff that people think I'm crazy because I got to find these and you know, I sink. The other day I just thought about this. It was amazing and I think things like well, on Jerom it's easy do. I was doing that when I had two years. I was doing at the floor zone before anything. I would make up in the morning, I drove to the car where my going to a thirty eight from seven thirty eight through at twelve o'clock. When I was in Dad's in Miami, I go to a twelve o'clock on the way home, driving home instead of going to the bar, I would go to a five thirty meet and then at night I read my spoor away thirty. I Haven't count them up. What was that? For meetings? I just got a four meetings a day for years without even thinking of it because because I had a way of life, demand were Sonstin because I was involved in the maintenance and growth of my life. Is that mean what? You don't have to do anything. I'm not telling you to do any and I'm just telling what I used to do. Okay, maybe you can do an easier, soft way, do it the way you want to do however you want to do it, you know, and see whether it works for you. So here's what this book says. It says perhaps there is a better way we face. So you're one of the things that have. One of the consequences my alcoholism is sometimes I will read something I won't see it. You know, this is great line from the Oxford movie says a man can see something nine hundred and ninety nine times and see it the thousandth time and see it for the first time. When you get involveous thing, you'll find yourself a ten year sobriety. We relige the big book that you bad...

...ten thousand times at all of a sudden means something to say. Man, that's that's the answer, because they'll be stuff going on your life with that easy answer. And so here's the grifts that pass. There is a better way. We think so, for we are now in a different basis, the base of trusting, relign upon God. By the way, that's the thing throughout the book. That's why, at the other end of the book that says, once we sincerely makes this decision for God, because we got to get rid of the selfness or kills us. God makes the possible. Once you make a decision, God all sorts and walking with things happen. You all powerful. Gives US everything we need to stay close to performance work well, but we may not know. You cannot be sure of that, because your reliance has to be undone. You will show you how to create the position you say. The whole book is about having you find up power rate yourself, which they called God, which will solve your problem of faith. That works. Perhaps there is a better way. We think self for now, a different base, the base of trusting, the line upon God. We Trust diffinite God rather than I find ourselves. We are in the wall to play the role he assigns, just the extent that we do as we think he would of us and humbly rely on him as he enabled us to match calamity with serenity. We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our creator. I got it means what people apologized to talking about God. They feel good for quoting about God because other people at meetings tell them they should feel good to talk about God. They tell him, don't talk about God, you're scare with the you come. You're scare with US stuff. They tell him stuff like that. Let me tell you something. I love this fellowship, but let me tell you about this fulship. To say, well, people's anonymous. You're as much bad shit here as you feel good to see it here a good shit. You better be careful about who you look you're listening to that is telling you stuff that is completely opposite of the book, where people got to tell your religion is bad. I'm spiritual, not religious. They sort of like actors, if they are better than all religious people because they don't have to go to the church or anything like that and because it's stupid and they're just spiritual. Let me tell some I'm not spiritual. I'm either and on the terior or left of my own device. I'm the goot, the blind, you know what I mean. That's an alcohol kind of disease. I don't kind of disease you have. Maybe you have the disease where you don't love the after things. You're not addicted to other things. You don't wish you had more things. You're getting more. Say if I only had this, maybe you have that kind of disease. That has nothing to do with the world, the climates, like the wels and that. That's not my disease. Okay, I have a disease. I'm not spiritual, I'm I'm religious. I'm religious as spiritual. Who says? I have a book that says we use all prejuice, even against the organized we mention. We begin to see what these people are riding and we see what they're riding and we adopt them. What am I supposed to do with a guy who wants to tell me how much weision is stupid when the book says opposite? What am I supposed to do with stuff like that? Way, when I hear that all the time from people and the book says I'm two different places. We encourage church membership and they encourage church membership because they don't went to church. They said. Most of us do that because we want to get closer to God. I mean, I don't really going to get close to God here the Playboy Club. I mean really go well, I'm not in a clothing. Ten Years Sober. You know I was. I was going all the means. I was doing everything you told do I spot your hundred. I was going crazy. It's go back there, trading, two years in the world, the whole bit. And you know something, I wasn't happening my sobriety, you know, like because he was getting still, because I wasn't going. I was going to means here in the same old stuff, the same stuff. Some guy tapping out the show these is one to do this. He sugg that. I got a Bible study said I'm not going here. You know why? I wasn't going there? Because a said it was bad. I'm the right. Got that fun. It's complete opposite of what they said. Dr Bobby, good old timers. I started doing that. Everything changed for me. I'm not saying you have to do it, I'm just tell you what I did. It says we...

...never apologize anyone for the pair pontar career. We can the episodes we think spurtchilbas way. Weakness, paradoxically is a way of strength. The wordth of rage is that is that faith means courage. All men of faith have coach. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. That's the second time. That important. They said that. You know why? You said the second time? Because they never apologize for God. There listens. An apologize to God, Dr Bobs, an apologize for God, Dr Bomb said, if you're an atheist, are at not to got some sort of intellectual part that keeps you from understanding what we're saying this book. I feel sorry for you. You're heaving me farther. Will never let you down. Most people a think that AA applaud atheism. Think agnosticism is a good thing. It's fantastic. That's not the position of the AA program I'm just telling you. You know. I'm sorry. You can have your own opinion, can't have your own facts. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead, we let him demonstrate through us what he can do. We let him demonstrate to us what he can do. We asked him to remove our fear and direct our attention to whether he would have us be at once. We commenced the out go fear. How many people let out go fear not to have anxiety? And you know, or maybe you just want to not not drink and be waking up at three o'clock the morning worrying about money. Or maybe you just want to watch it itch and worry about while you're around. And why you not go from the boyfriend and what's gonna Happen if this happens? Well, maybe you just like waking up with all sorts of people in your head that you were about with the think about you're what you maybe you just like living a life of anxiety. I mean, how many people like you walking in the Fourth Dimension Existence and Experience Much of Heaven? I mean, if you're going to be here for ten or fifteen years, you might as well go on the rocket ship. Why don't you think that's what they're trying to tell you to do? What can you just sit on your ass and you say, well, I'm spiritual, out religious, and you think your body really and your mind actually believe that shit when you're worry if you're so spiritual, why are you wearing so much all the time, if you're so spiritual? Why do you wake up worried about stuff? Why those worried about it when people think about you? So why are you scared to talk about your means, about got any? Because you're so spiritual? You know, I mean, I live in a world, before I came there, where I was always looking at other people to see whether with like or what. They'd like me, and they don't want. Why are you such an approval junkie? Why do you worry so much what people think about you? And a a. You know something. If you worry about what people think about you and a you're not sober. You're not sober. Does that Piss you off? Will talk to your sponsor about because whatever you disturber, and if you disturbed, no matter what, the course is something wrong with you. So if you want to go out there and say what, they invite that guy. He pissed me off. He was knowingthbout the program. Get pissed off. Well, thank you. If you want to drink over what I said, dude, I guess use me as an excuse. Maybe you get you to come in here actually do something, do something serious. HMM. Wellst what I'm saying, because I can tell you this, to people that believe in God, the people that are doing this stuff, the people that did separate or the boys, want something. They're not a problem with anything. I'm saying the real death, the real deal, the genuine articles they're not a problem with anyone. I'm saying. You know, they're saying, he's just telling what it is. They know exactly what's going on. You guys are the thirty four. They don't exactly what's going on. Let you guys are saying you're being a little too hard. You know, her burting alcoholics, pretty alcoholics. After the feelings we have ass the only things I'll be with on a part just alcoholics. We can. We drove them for they all died with thes. How you can't put an alcoholics an alcoholic schoolings. These that we're here in the first place. It because our feelings got hurt. He is me be other weak and Robin and do...

...whatever we do. The only reason anybody gets sobering business stuff is because they're in the pain. And I'll tell you, if you don't know the an obnaxious aut off case, it's an alcohol that has had enough pain. And believe me, I deal with them all the time in my business. So the bottom line is is why do our stories demonstrate? Why do our stuff and says our stories demonstrate? Where do you see? Like what happen? Whatever you like our store? Why the stores and test more important, because the God is demonstrating in your life what this thing is all about. Then the truth of the matter is any story I tell you that has anything to do with my soubriety and how I act and my sobriety and what I have done, whether even Leo story for the chicken out the Rue story, because I'm a recovery alcohol will somehow demonstrate within the story every step, because they have to. You do this thing for five years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty years. You don't say sober in mind and body unless your wife illuminates the steps, and all you have to do is saying this is what happened to me today, this is how this is the situation happen. I thought of the situation is, this is how I felt about it and this is how I acted. And you will be telling everybody in the audience what sublt is about, and somebody will hear step three, and somebody will hear step one and somebody else. You're step twelve and you'll hear whatever they're supposed to hear, because the only, the only thing that you need to tell it. We're do a good aim is to be sincere. There's a friend of mine when said, once you learn how to face back, you got to make so what is it after this? After Nights? So I made up my mom a n this morning. I was going to actually talk about the step and I have like fifteen minutes Laif left, so I'm going to do a littleline step step to prove to you that I have actually done it, and I almost you think I've never done the steps before. I just said lacking about being good book. I don't like that shuffle. Okay, you know I did a first step. You know the eight step comes to the fourth step. Well, you all know this is abbreviated. Is A fast pace. Abbreviated that I did a four step. Now you don't have to do it and you have to get mad at me. I'm not putting you down. The way I did is by the book. I dopened up this book. Listen, there's a chart in there. You know this. Laughing it with everybody I sponsored. Why don't you try it the way they outlined in the fourth step and then you can do the eight, the Hazelton eighteen thousand step thing or whatever they do. I'm not putting that down, but I said we got a whole thing this book and somebody's at text that it has a chart where it has a list with number one. I resent my cousin. What's her face? Why? Because she's a rich Birit. You know. It's you always never had any problems and she always thinks she's better anybody else. What is this effect my self esteem, my personal religion? We have a chart there. If you're an alcoholic and you don't resent, if you're you're not pissed off at least ten people, there's something wrong. You know what I mean? Well, I just done all my bridges and then the next thing it says, disregarding all that crap and that they did to you, where were you with fault? And write down what I'm at fault. You know, maybe it's just like Gospel about it. Maybe it's just that I'm everybody I talked to. I said, you know, my cousin sounds like she's such a rich bit. Maybe I just tart assassinator. Who knows what I did? And then they have a list of fears. You know what I mean. You know. You know, for being broke, your people laughing at yet fear being a young really and feel being alone on that. You know, put that down there. Then a...

...list of things having to do with sexual deals as far as where you've hurt somebody, where you've been stuck. Dip with a list. I'm not going to list. It's a poston stuff. The a step comes out of the fourth step, but it's not necessarily totally. The Fourth of this is me and the fourth step. And after you do the fifth step because you're hot, you are sponsor rt as you do the first step. Word, they know, enlighten you as to they may tell you that they're actually things that should be on the list. People that you've heard that maybe you know. You you know, maybe you should be thinking of that. You know, and and so I have to go through the fourth of this. That then you have a rid basis for know who should be on the a steps. And the A set list is not necessarily people have resentment against I had. I had my son, my young son. I got divorced when he was five years old. Then I left the house and he I didn't. Never resentment against him, but he was on my step list. One Saturday I was supposed to pick him up and take them the zoo. I told him I was going to take a new zoo. So you're gonna take me? Use that, I see. Absolutely, and I really intended to take them to the zoo. I swear I intended to take a new zoo. You never intend really to do something right and then for some reason you don't do it and then you say I really wanted you to do it, you know, but you don't show up. And that morning ten tack, he's waiting for daddy and I got a call from Sally. Well, Sald the guys taken like wor said, Russell me and the GALS, you're going out of the boat. Would you like to come home? Oh man started me thinking I was a sobers. I am right now. I don't bring that cool and being an asshole or responsible. I'm thinking picking up my set and going to the zoo, or sally on the boat, Sally with the boobost, Sally with the girls, Sally with the Sash. It was it was an incredible struggle. After that ten seconds it was anchors. Sure what happened. You know what it was like. You know what I mean. And I didn't even tell him up. I stop that from you. You know what I mean. But you know I did that and you know something Moma. And you know something, you live a life like that. Trust me, you're going to drink. Trust me, you're going to drink because deep down inside there's like a little fortune guyme gray, you know what you're doing. Wristle wrote and you're saying yourself he'd be better with his mother, he would like it, and you're telling you stop all this bullshit, because I'm a rationalize. I tell myself actualize, because it says in the book I'm delusional. I can't separate the truth from the false. My alcohol with the suds like, seems going normal. I and deep down inside, deep down right there rather constutional ability. To be honest with I, something saying you are one piece of Shit, because you know, there's their life's like that. He responsible people with their life set like that. Monsters live their lives like that, crappy people in their life, and I was a crappy person. I was a selfish, crappy person. It was an alcohol problem. Who is being a crappy person? A selfish person problem? And I continued like that for five or six or ten years. When I was sober, like three or four years. My son won't be a letter. He said you've been the worst that I never and I was sober for many years and I was taking around. He said, I don't want to all sorts of things, and my wife okay. Then said, well, you want to cut him off and don't tell me, says. Now I'm just gonna I'm going to tell him every time I speak to me, anything, anything happens, I'm it just going to run. I'm gonna tell how much I love it. That's all I'M gonna. I'm just a tell my much I love and I did that for about five or six years. Every chance I yet, I said I love you, I love you, I love you. How you know I love you? I just want my my wife and my daughter's is his, and it's his sisters who are offended. You know the way. I said no, they're all saying the order cut. I said no, I'm still tell my love. And now is that to to great grandkids. He gave me a wonderful wife and I'm visiting limit about a few months.

Things can come down to visit me. We have a great relationship, you know, because I didn't give into I'll show him who the hell you things. He is so my brother. So when I was growing up, the one person I think I was closest to was my grandmother on my mother's side, Nana Ethel. I felt she was an interesting character. You know, I lived with that. I had to leave my house at because my what, my mother was an alcoholic, from live there anymore and I have to leave my house. And so for a couple of years I lived with my Nanth and and I was one crazy son of a bitch. Hit I'm telling you. I'm up on Miami beach almost every night with my buddies looking the score, running around trying to find the ladies, doing all that crap and everything. I will send it two o'clock, three o'clock and morning, feeling like they're s they didn't need that craft. And I would always you know something and they say you should say things. You know, Russell, you're basically a good boy, which I'm not sure that that means. It's a compliments, okay, instead of like deep, deep, deep down inside is probably something go about you. I don't know. They you know somebot my, My, and you know, I'll taste somebody. Man, I would see here. I would get up in the morning. She did there chain smoking cigarettes, talking about how your uncle marry. I'm worried about my uncle Jerry. All this what I'm worried about. This I'm like all her whole life was worried about the family, worried about she just worried about everybody else. Maybe she was God better. I don't know. That was going on, but our whole life was taking care of other people and worried about other people. That was it. But you know, some whenever I grandma can, I bought a twenty bucks short. She S I was says Twenty Bucks, Guy for you. Sure I th money for a sure. He never gate, she never said no, she never chastised me. She always showed me longer than she always gave into twenty bucks. My grandma died the night I did my first step. The Night I did my fourth step, I came home from a meeting and my my wife Company says your grandmother passed away unexpectedly. I have a chance to do a nice step and the manager my grandmother. I just did another chance she passed away. So I have a brother and let me he's the youngest brother. I'm the oldest brother. I'm the guy who was graduate departmental honors and mathematics, but the law school and in the division chief. My younger brother was one who was left with my mother when she went through a worst Oupho was in the house. He's the one who had to go the hospitalized and the mental institution because the path that he had to deal with. He was the one with dyslexia. He was the one. He was the one who wasn't me. He was the opposite of me. And so my brother, my youngest brother, called me up one day and I had about three or four years sober. It's bride half my grandfather's and he said, and it was, you know, like it was like a seven o'clock at night and I'm sort of lying down on the couch and he said, he said, Russell says, can I come up? I said, what is it? What is it? I'll have to use his name. He's actually in the fellowship for thirty two years, thirty two, thirty years, you know. And then I said, well, what is it? What he wants. I knew what he wanted. I knew what he wanted. I knew what he wanted. He only called me up for one thing, money and he said, well, you know, I'm a little bit sure of the rats, I will be turn the rent and I said, I said, so that's why you call up seven o'clock night, which need money friends? He says, yeah, I really need my I said it's that important. So what do you need? Well, if you get so, you need right now. So you knew right...

...now, now, if you got to come over my house right now, at seven o'clock at night, at night to get money, you needed right now. Is that it? He says, yeah, I need it right now. I mean now. I wouldn't call I wouldn't call you, I wouldn't call you for wasn't an emergency. I said, okay, okay, come on over, but now come on over. And I was like mad and angry because he called me up late night, he was running over, he needed money and I was sick and tired of giving the money and all that sort of stuff, and I and and the bottom line is is, and I think that part of my thinking was get this. Part of my thinking, because I'm an alcoholic, was, if I mean enough and if I heard him enough, maybe he'll never ask me for money again. I know that was part of the thinking. You know, just beat the shit out of them, and so so I laid back down in the couch waiting from and you think happened? I start thinking about my grandmother. I start thinking about my grandmother. She always used to give me money. She never used to deal with me, she never let me made me feel bad, and all she did was worried about the family and how everybody was doing the family. And I started to what would my grandmother do if my brother called him up and asking for twenty dollars or fort? She give him the money and I have a chance to make make meds to my grandmother. So by the time my brother showed up and he came in and sort of coloring, you know what I mean. I said, I come on it and he says, I said, here's the money you need. He says to nearly and then I said, believe it or not, this is the truth. I said you eat anymore, an even more. I mean, I was overcome by the spirit. What doesn't happen? Anybody come up and ask me for money? I think you did me and he like how he scarce? No, man, I don't really and I didn't take care of my brother for a long time. Myself and my other brother take care of my brother and I got to be honest with you. To me it's an immense to my grandmother. I didn't do that because of me. I'm still selfer some of this. To me that's a nice step of ends. That's the direct amense my grandmother, who passed away a couple years before that. That's an immense to my grandmother and I have a lot of stories that. I mean I honestly. I swear I actually did the steps. I'm still doing them, but I probably don't really realize most of the time because I'm the doing them so long. So like it's like an automatically, you know these days, you know whatever. I get disturbed. If that happens, it doesn't happen that often, but all the wants while it happens, you know, for Nan a second I get disturbed and I say, what the Hell's wrong with me? Why is this spot? I figured it. I figure it that I may if it gets real bad, I write it down. Otherwise a pretty much know what it is. I know what the story is and he talks. Somebody got to talk about I don't like things. I don't like living with the ghosts in my head of my child out rating for me at the window when I don't show up. I don't like living with guilt. I don't. I don't. I am no longer have to worry about running into anybody. I don't. I don't have to check my phone ID to see who's calling me. I'm going to accept the stam calls. You know what I mean. I I hang up on them. You know I mean. You never know. I don't want to. You know I mean. I don't have to. I don't. I don't live a life where I see somebody and I turn around it man, I hope he doesn't seem and walk out the door. I don't have to live a life of gist...

...and why I live that life for many years. You know what it's like to live a life will you actually worry about? What are you going to say if you run into somebody's I can explain that. What kind of Shitty life that is when you live a life worried about whether somebody's going to call you and what you're going to say to him. And that's the life I lived for many, many years before coming day Ay and for a few years after I came about. Boss is terrible. Living with guilt. It's a terrible deal. So you see, it is that qualifies a Longth that I do at will life, stepping there a few, there was a few others. Okay, so thank you very much. Got.

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