AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 11 months ago

Russell S. Step 9 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 9 from the Coral Room Zoom February 26, 2021  

My name is Russell spats. I'man alcohol member the South Dixie Group in Miami, Florida. It's good tosee the usual suspects here. Good to see you guys. So let's seewhether we can do something around step nine. Will I don't hold me to it. I don't like pressure. Don't put pressure on me. We'll dosomething here. least nobody will drink for an hour. You know, atthese prices, don't expect too much from me. I haven't found enough tohave drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one.And there's a great saying by T S Lewis and the four quatrains. Hesays we will not cease our exploration. We will not cease our exploration.At the end of all our exploring we will come to the place where westarted, having known the place for the first time. I put a littlea little ditty, a little I actually put the secret of alcoholics anonymous.It's probably several secrets. There are actually several secrets and alcoholics anonymous that peopledon't really find out about until they have thirty, forty years. So I'vedisclosed one of the secrets to give you guys a heads up. You know, you know one of the one of the things that says in alcoholics anonymous, in the twelve and twelve, it says unless and until we know that, no good can come to any alcoholic. No good. You know, thatalmost sounds like, you know that part in the book where it sayshalfmeasures of value nothing. Yeah, you ever hear that? You know?Let me consider this. There is a possibility that there's stuff actually said inthe big book out in the open, not secret, I mean stuff rightout of the open, that people read every single day and they don't understandwhat they're reading. Do you think that's possible? Do you think that youcould read a line, a simple line, in the big book and hear itand it sounds good and you think you understand it but you don't understandit at all? Think as possible. Read a line in the big bookand think you understand it and then twenty years later, after twenty years ofexperience and working with people, working yourself, all of a sudden see it forthe first time. That's what t s Lewis said. It says atthe end of all are exploring, we will come to a place where webegan, having known the place for the first time. You know a lotof this stuff that I know today, and I'm not saying I know everything. I mean I'm just like it's square zero. I'm barely scratching the service. But a lot of things I see today, after forty years of workin this thing and working with other alcoholics, I sort of see in the rearviewmirrors. You know, my sponsor, my first sponse used to say whena man with experience and meets a man with money, the man withexperience will will walk away with the money and the man with the money willhave walked away with an experience. But you know, I think that's maybetrue sometimes. That what's that saying going on around a a? There's somesort of saying a the guy who's the most sobers, guy who got upearliest in the morning, or something like that. You ever hear that sound? Even I can't remember what it is. It's like forty years doesn't mean Shit, you know what I mean? It's like, you know, whoevergot why happen to get up at three, three thirty in the morning this morning. But but yeah, you know, there's something to do. There isa reason. For Eight Hundred Years, the Jews were kept captive by theEgyptians as slaves and God, if you read the Bible, if youbelieve in this stuff, sent Moses down and unlikely character. There's a wholestory about that. peered in, Bernie Bush, sent them down there talkto Pharaoh to get get the the slaves...

...out of Egypt, and he finallyrelented after all the plagues and everything, and so they were going out ofEgypt. You, some of you guys, may you ever hear? Did youhear the story? It was in all the papers. Maybe you sawthe movie. There's a movie and an event. So and then they theyfollowed something called the Chicana loud. What happened is the Jews, like threemillion of them, came out of Egypt and they we're going to the promisedland. You with me? The Promised Land? Now let me tell youthe deal on this. Now you need, you need to listen to this,because this has a lot to do if you understand this. This hasa lot to do with your alcoholism, because all alcoholism is is it's slavery. That's all it is. It's just slavery. You're a slave, notonly to alcohol. You're not only a slave to alcohol, because alcohol,says, just a symptom. You're a slave to a way of life.This is going to lead you to the Promised Land, to the promises theones they get it, or those who that are able to develop a wayof living. That the man's rigorous honesty. Don't bother worrying about that. Youdon't know what that is. But I mean, trust me, youhave no clue. You only think you know what it is. You're goingto know a new happiness. Don't even worry about that. You don't evenknow what that is. You know why? Because it's new. It's not likethe old happiness when you got a car, you got laid, orwhatever that deal was with you. You got laid, you got drunk,whatever hell it is. That's an old happiness. You're going to know anew happiness. So you know what I mean. And so so the bottomline is it says the people that cannot get it, to those who areconstitutionally incapable all of being honest with themselves. You know what the and and wedon't know who they are. Well, I know this is what they seein the big book. They say they seem to be born in thatway. I can't help it if you don't like that. There's some peoplethat are just of a certain way that they're just never going to get this. It's going to happen, you're going to run into him. They mighteven stay so for twenty, five, thirty years. They're not going toget it. They're not going to get to the promise like they're not goingto get to the promised land. That's all I get to they'll get everythingexcept the promises. They'll get everything. They'll join the not drinking club,they'll be able to pick up a fifty year medallion say I haven't I drinkin fifty years, and they'll be as lonely and as dry as they werewhen they walked in the door. You know what I mean? I meanthat's just the way that I don't know. I can't tell you all I know. Is there some step called the six step that separates the men fromthe boys? I don't know. I'm just going to buy the listen,don't blame me, I'm just reading the material. There's some step that separatesthe men from the boys and it says what it says in this step isit says that the men or the women. Don't accuse me of being sexist.I got enough of that from my daughters. You know what I mean, three daughters. I mean, it's unbelieve it's unbelievable the abuse I take. But the bottom line, I don't want to go into that, butthe bottom line is this. What the what what the book says is itsays the men or the women are those who repeatedly try these things so theycan grow in the image and likeness of their creator. These are people thathave made their creative a central part of their lives. These are people thathave become convinced that God lives in their hearts and minds in a way whichis indeed miraculous. These are people that, at the end of chapter, agnosticsand say God, there he is or he is, and what's yourdecision going to be? They've decided for God. They've decided for God.They've decided for God. Did you know, by the way, this saying well, people's anonymous, this fellowship, did you know that there are peoplein a a that may never decide their people, they that have many yearssobriety, that have never decided for God? Do you know that this a chapterin the BIS big book that says...

...chapter to the Agnostics, and it'sa chapter written specifically to the Agnostics, atheists. And let me tell youa little secret. It doesn't encourage being an an atheist or an ignosia,obnoxious, obnoxious agnostic. Doesn't encourage. That doesn't encourage. I'm serious,as a matter of fact, what it says. It says if a merecode of Ye. Ever hear that? How about this? I don't wantto hurt anybody's feelings. It just happens. I don't want to hurt anybody feelings. That just happens. So I can't help it. So here's thedeal. You know, and I did this sometimes, because sometimes you gotto fake it until you make it okay, you ever hear the term good orderlydirection? How do you? Have Heard Rachel? And if you've heardgood orderly direction, people use that in place of God. Right, that'sthe way they use it. They say good orderly direction and they think thatthat's what the big book is talking about. Right, you get it, goodorderly direction. You have to be too bright on this. G Ohd good orderly direction. So they say that's like God, but you see, let me suggest something to see. One thing you got to understand aboutalcoholics is we're delusional. You know what it means to be delusional? Itmeans our alcoholic life seems normal. It means commentager set. Alcohols for menand women who are out to destroy themselves. They we hate our we hate youknow what? We're rationalized, as we tell us. Olf Rationalizes.We lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves we don't give a shit what otherpeople think about us, and our whole lives are devoted to worry about whatpeople think about us. And so and so we what happens is we havethis book that says God either is or it is, and what should decisiongoing to be? We have this book that says, if I'm mere,now, listen, this this is don't blame me. Just tell them therip up the big bucket says, if I'm mere, code of morals.If a mere. Now, you guys, you guys all understand English, right. You know I'm a attorney, something worse with. Now, listen, I'm not making this thing up. Look, there's nothing up my sleeves. I got short sleeves. I'm in Miami. I am not this isn'ta trick. Listen this, we're going to do this. We're gonna gothrough the big book slowly, almost like BYOC. They go through slowly.If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life would have workedfor us, we would have been sober a long time ago. But suchcodes and morals did not work. Are you are you getting? Not yourhead, if you're getting this. Did Not work. Therefore, because theydid not work, we have to talk about God. And right after thatthe next line is here's where alcoholics with a hackles in their neck stand up, which I've been told means they get pissed off. You probably seen it, meaning it's alcoholics get pissed off, I'll have you ever see alcohols andmeans get pissed off at God. They try to use every other word,higher power, the Banan or whatever the hell it is. You know whatI means. When an alcohol gets pissed off about God, what he's reallytrying to say is I want to show you what my disease looks like.When he says I'm spiritual, not religious, that's an alcohols way of saying he'sgot a higher form. Alcoholics who don't like to be self righteous,but he's really saying is I am better than religious people. I am muchbetter because I am spiritual, I am a spiritual person. That's pretty muchbullshit. By the way, there's no alcoholic that spiritual. If we werespiritual, we wouldn't be here, you know what I mean, we'd bewe down to the airport with a tambourine. You know, alcoholics are material people. All we care about is getting laid, getting money, get inthe car, getting this. That's why you go through twenty years of Bullshit, worrying about all that stuff, because the worldly clamors will kill you,because all you think about is the shit you need to have in order tobe okay so you can blast out of this freaking place. You know whatI mean? If Bolivia, if you're an alcoholic, you're not. Isaid to my sponsor, I don't I...

...don't want to hold hands Lord Fer, because I don't want to be hypocrite. He said, too late. Bythe time you become alcoholic, you busted hypocrite. You busted through thatsucker. You know. So it says. If a mere code of morals anda better for loss of life would have helped us with be some.Now, listen, let me explain this to you. You guys look prettybright to me. You know I'm like creature. Listen, good, orderlydirection. It's a mere code of morals or better philosophy of life. Youget this, listen, me do the next right thing. It's a merecode of morals or a better philosophy of life. The Ten Commandments is amere code of morals. We couldn't do that. We couldn't do that.To Take Commandments thing. You Ain't going to be able to do the otherthing. Trust me, you're not going. You know, there's going to comea time where you should give back the money. You're going to figureout how you don't have to get back the money. There's a come oftime where you should make an apology. You're going to figure out where youreally don't have to make an apology. There's a come of time where you'regoing to say, I really shouldn't send this email. You're going to sendthat sucker. This is come of time where you should shut your fucking mouthand you're going to say something real stupid and rip somebody's heart out. Youknow, whine because as your problem centers in your mind, not your body. You could stop drinking, but you can't stop thinking and you want toknow how you think. You think selfishly because you're selfish. In other words, it says you're selfish and your self centered and you're driven. Driven meansit's not like a free choice. You can't help but fuck up, becauseyou know why, because now here we get to the secret, the firstsecret in alcoholics, anonymous, that nobody knows because it's not an anthon.It's not in the first hundred and sixty four pages. That's why you guysdon't even teach it, but maybe you'll start doing it out. This isthe first secret that you need to know, that most newcomers, by newcomer Imean first ten years, don't understand. And it's right up here. Iput it in the chat twice because I know that people here's the firstsecret in alcoholics, anonymous. Many do not comprehend. Many that do notcomprehend. This is in the forward to the first addition that the alcoholic isa very sick person. Many do so. In other words, if you're analcohol you are very, very, very sick, and your sickness centersin your mind. Not your body. has nothing to do with the alcohol. The alcohol is a symptom of your craziness. It's a symptom. Onceyou stop drinking the alcohol, you're still a very sick person because you seeyou, you, because you're selfish, in yourself centered. This has nothingwith drink it. Let me tell you something. I was the biggest asshole, the biggest selfish guy, thinking about myself, hur any people when Iwas sober. I heard people's feelings. I disappointed people when I was sober, you know, when I was a nice guy, when I felt good, when I was drunk. That's why I drank. I drank because nowoman, no car, no AMOTA, money, no nothing ever work quiteas good and quite as well and quite as fast as just a few drinks. And so I drank it. And then it stopped working for me andI thought the problem was booze because all these problems, I mean, Istopped working. And now all of a sudden I'm back to square one.Square one is I'm an if only, or in a yes butter, I'mlooking. If I only had that girl, I'd be okay. If I onlyhad that car, I'd be okay. If I only had that money,I be okay. If I only had that job, I'd be okay. Run around the planet Earth Looking for the worldly clamors, looking for thethings I will make me feel okay, and I put them into my lifeand I'd be okay for what a week, a month, one year, andthen all of a sudden I leave that wife and the kid, andthen all of a sudden the marriage wasn't working because she didn't appreciate me.And then all of a sudden I needed a new job because the judge,the the because the boss then appreciate me.

And all of a sudden, offsI needed a new car because it's called was crap. It was aused car, and all of a sudden I thought, why can't people dowhat I want? I wanted to do, why won't they do it my way? Because if only they would do it my way, be okay.And the real problem was is I was up banana. I was crazy,I was nuts, I was insane, insane. That second step. That'sexactly right, and I think that's what I was a banana. Okay,in saying you understand. And the problem was that's when I that's why Ihave to start coming to believe that it's power that's going to restore me tosanity. I got to restored to sanity. Now I've got forty years. I'mthinking maybe by next Tuesday it may happen. There's a possibility. Probablynot, you know, but and I'm a very sick person. And theproblem is is, unless and until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all itsconsequences, surprised of beak for carrots. And one of the consequences of beingan alcohol one of the consequences of being an alcoholic, is you don't realizehow sick you are. You don't because it says we're delusional, it saysthis is what it says with self, yourself centered. Were driven by ahundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, selfseeking. To us are our alcoholic life.The way we think usually seems comfortable for us. We don't have togo to meetings to I don't have to go to meetings to live a dishonestlife. I don't have to go to meetings to just think only about myself. I don't need a sponsor to tell me just think only about myself.I think only about myself and give a shit. Only about myself and worriedabout myself. Naturally, that's my natural way of being, because I'm materialand I'm selfish and I'm delusional. We step at those and they re readtalent seemingly without provacation, but we see that we make decisions based upon self. I don't sit there and say I'm not going to show up because Ionly give a shit about myself. I don't say I'm not going to payback the money because I only give a shit about myself. I don't sayI'm going to rip this Gal's hard at and I'm going to say something tooand she's going to be sorry she screwed around with me, because I don'tgive a shit about my because I only give a shit about myself. Ijust do it thinking I'm doing the right thing, because that's just how sickI am, because many don't comprehend, especially alcoholics, that if you're analcohol you're a very sick person. You know you're a very sick and andnow the way alcohol works is I drink alcohol and let me tell you something. Bam, immediate, immediately, I feel great, too fast shots.Hey, I'm together. You know what I mean. Sobriety you know,you may have to go to fifty eight means get the same feeling like oneJigger Scotch gives you. You know what I mean. I hate it's alonger deal. The slavery, the slavery, the bondage, the slavery to thethinking alcoholics are self will run riot. All we want to do is thinkabout ourselves. where, where we're going? A thousand mills are wereself will were on right, though. Here it's key. We don't thinkso. We don't think so because most owned to comprehend that in alcohol isa very sick person. We just think we have a bad drinking problem.We don't think we're it says above every and says what it says in thebook. As it says. It says we're we've made decisions based upon self, puts us a position. You heard, above everything, we must get ridof the selfishness. You can get rid of the drinking. How toget rid of the selfishness? I mean, I was I came in when Iwas thirty one years old. I've been selfish and self centered for thirtyone years, intensely industrial strength selfish and self centered, walking out on awife and kid because I wanted to go out with other women. Telling Myself, we're just growing in different directions. Were different people, you know,no integrity, you know hurting o the people right, left, US andsideways. Tell Myself I'm a good guy...

...doing selfish things. Thirty one years, half measures of value, nothing. There's no middle of the road solution. I'm the middle of the road kind of Guy Unless you get rid ofyour old ideas, and I don't even know what my old fucking ideas are. The result is nil and I don't believe that, because I believe halfmeasures of value. Fifty percent, and I'm satisfied with fifty percent. Now, of course, the six step says if you're if you're one of themen, you're trying to grow in the image and likeness of God, ofyour Creator. Okay, which is perfection. You're trying to do that thing.But they say most alcoholics won't do it because they want to do whatthey want to do. Read the six steps. They want to settle.I want to settle and once they get off my back. I've been tome. Get off my back. I'm not drinking, I'm not even trying, I'm not even thinking about drink. Get off my back yet oft theydon't want any extra credit. Yeah, I know. They encourage church membershipbecause they say, above everything, we must get rid of this alcoholism.We much more. It kills us. God makes that possible. Getting closerto God makes that possible. Improving your conscious contact with God makes that possible. You know, let God be the central factor your life. It'll protectyou from worldly clamors. It'll you'll, you'll you'll grow. You'll have thatpsych profound psychic personality change where ideas, emotions and attitudes which were the guidingforce of your life will be shoved the one side and you will you'll bedominated by home and set of ideas, of Musch to thattitude. You mighteven get to the point where you don't have a bucket list, you don'twake up with me. If only the only thing you basically become addicted todo is maybe go to a meetings and look for people to help, whichmay sound like a bad addiction, but it's actually a good addiction because there'sno dilatorious consequences. What happens is when your whole life turns into trying tohelp other people, and trust me, you'll never run out of people tohelp, because true people like they have a broken heart, because most ofthem do, and they're lonely. And when you get to the point wherethe only thing you're interested in is sharing this thing, trying to carry thismessage, having the spiritual awakening, so your whole life is devoting to tryingto carry this message, when you want to honestly understand that, you makea decision for God, okay, like it says in the big book andsays making a sincere decision, then all sorts of remarkable things will happen because, being all powerful, he will give you everything you need if you stayclose to him and performance work well, and guess what his work is?Guess What Your Job is? To be a maximum service to other people.So when you get to that point where you're obsessed with trying to Hu thehelp other people and carry God's message of the other people's life to free themfrom being slaves, when that happens to you, you know what I mean, you won't be in if only or any yes butter and worrying about whetheryou're going to get laid or you have boyfriend, girlfriend or romance or allthat other Shit that they say we base our life on. That kills usin the sixth step. What does it say? Money, property, Romance, all that crap you know, which is precisely the by the way,everything I'm telling you. They don't the fellowship doesn't like it. Doesn't meanI'm down the fellowship. I like the FELLOSHIP, but it ain't. Well, people's anonymous. Remember, there's a big book of alcoholics, anonymous,which is the program and then there's a fellowship of alcoholics, anonymous, madeup of a lot of people that would rather not do it. They wantto do as little as possible, to go to those few meanings as possible. They don't want to get crazy or jumping the deep end of the pool. They want to do as little as possible and stay sober and stay fromthe drink and be relatively okay. They and interested in the extra credit stuff. So when the big book, when they say we encourage way, inthe big book, when the when the founders say we're on a new basebased of trusting relying upon God, we never apologize for God. We haveno prejudice against religion, even organized religion. We begin with it. We beginto see where they're right and we...

...try to adopt those things. Weencourage church membership. Most of us are members of church, but it's notobligatory. You understand. You don't have to do it, because we knowthat'll stear the shit out of you because you really don't want you because thehapples in your neck going up. But we all do it and we encourageit. We never apologize for all. Men of faith have courage. Theytrust their God, they let him demonstrate their lives when he can be atonce. We outgrow fear. By the way, that's not for me.That's actually in the big book of Alcoholics. Anonymous. You may have either skippedover it or maybe you didn't realize its exactly what they were trying totell you the program was about. Don't do this, listen, don't youdo this in a meeting. I'm a professional. You know I can dothis and get away with it. You know what I'm talking about. Don'tyou try it. You'll get the shit slammed out of me. You understandI'm saying, but I want to tell you just to understand most people,the way they work program as they do every being is supposed to do,except the stuff they don't want to do. But if you want to get ifyou want to get past the not drinking club and get into the Rockand in the Fourth Dimension Club, if you want to do that stuff,you may find yourself having to do the extra credit stuff, do the stuffthat the founders did there. Why would they put that shit in the listen, if it's not obligatory, think about this. If it's not obligatory andI know pisses off alcoholics, why do you think Bill Wilson and those guysput even put in the big book? We encourage church membership. Now,listen to me. If it's not obligatory and they know would piss you off, why do they put in the big book? We encourage church membership.You know why? I got the answer for you. Because that's what theydid, because that's what they did. You know that part of the bigwhat you ever read? The part where it says really, have we seenin person fail who has thoroughly followed our path? It doesn't say do whateverhell you want to do, does it? It says that's what they did.This is advanced Ay, you know, and you can report me, youknow if you want. You know if it's bothering you in any man. So the Jews come out of we were at the Jews. They comeout of Egypt. They're slaves, just like we're slaves to alcoholism. We'reslaves in our mind. It's a three week walk to the Promised Land,John said, maybe for maybe a month. Okay, given three three months,they stopping in eight days in or whatever is whatever it is three millionpeople. They walk up the Promised Land, but they're following God. They're followingGod, the following if you read the boy, the following God.You know, and forty years later, forty years later, you know whyit took the Jews forty years. You know why God let him around tothe desert for forty years because at you know how, because by the timethey got, God got into the Promised Land, all the slaves that werebrought up in Egypt, they were all dead except for a few people.That's slave mentality was gone. After forty years of gold through the desert,go through the hard times and trusting in God, that slave mentality was goneand the guys that were going in the promised land had never known slavery.They were born in the desert. Man They were ready to rip, rapeand run. Man, they were, they were there, they were man, they were focused on God. God was on their side. They wereready. So I just want to let you know you're going to be findingabout forty years. It's going to work out for you. That's slave mentality. It's going to be over. Listen. Actually, if if you're really intothis thing, thank you, William. I appreciate it. If you reallyinto this thing, that should make you feel good, because if yougot ten or fifteen years and you're thinking you're a loser and things aren't goingokay and you want to kill yourself because you're discouraged, you know what Imean, you'll say, Holy Shit, maybe it's not so bad, maybeI'm exactly where I'm supposed to be,...

...trudging around in the Sini. Youknow what I mean. You know, trudging around, but I'm following theright God. I'm following God. I'm doing I'm going to these meetings,I'm not drinking. It's getting better. I get a little taste. Hedoes give you a little taste, doesn't he? So here's the deal.So I should mention some about the night step, don't you think so?In the so here's the deal. I just put this in chat, soin Dr Bob, the good old timers. If any of you guys ever wantto go, you know how alcoholics say, I really want this thing. You ever are an Alcoho say I really want to do this thing.You know eighty percent of as bullshit. But the point is they really wantto do it until you tell him to do it and then they don't wantto do it. So, if you really want to do this thing,let me point something out to you so you can connect some dots. Okay, and and by the way, nothing I'm saying there's obligatory. We don't. I'm not getting pay I'm just telling you. This is what it waslike for me. This is what happened, is what I found is if youwant what I have, you may want to do it. You don'thave to. You know it's in the book. I'm giving you all theauthority. You can stay forget it. That's his that's his way of doingthings. I got my way. I don't care. It's not like it'snot my life. You know, listen, this is this is not a dressrehearsal. You got one life, guys. You know this is yourlife. You got to be eighty years old. You don't get this thing. You missed it. You Sell Shit. I should have done that deal,I should have listen to that got, you know, too late. Youknow, so sorry. So the bottom is but I'm telling you,YOU'RE NOT gonna be able to say nobody told me this stuff. You're not. Ten years from now, when your thumbsucking crybaby and you fight, you'renot being able to say, Gee, I only wish somebody would have toldme this shit. You know what I mean. You know because I'm tellingyou so in Dr Bob, the good old timers, and I'm giving youthe sites, the references. This is what they say. This is theexact thing they say. I think it's for a maiden. They say thebooks we found. This is in the first four years. You know awe started in nineteen thirty five. Well, it started nineteen thirty five. Thebig book really Iver Seen Philis, thoroughly followed up. Hath written inNineteen Thirty Nine, published in thirty nine, between thirty five and thirty note wherethey say really, I've seen person of pillows, thoroughly followed up path. The one thing they weren't doing is they weren't reading the Big Book.Now, if you don't understand that, that's going to require a lot moretime than this meeting has to offer. But Trust me, the things thatthey were doing, we're not reading the Big Book. They were doing otherthings and they're reading other books. And what it says in Dr Botom goodold time, because it says the books we found absolutely essential, absolutely essential. Is Anybody understand what the word essential means? So listen. Whatever essentialmeans, which I think means essential, absolutely essential means like really freaking essential. You know what I'm talking about? Like absolutely essential, the books theyfound absolut essential, or first cominthians thirteen. You go to check it out,you know, if you're interested in doing what they did. Sermon onthe Mount and the book of James. We're almost called the James Club.You're with me now. If you ever start getting into reading scripture, whichI did in my eleventh year because I wanted more, I was stuck.I reach that glass ceiling. I don't know how many people have. Iknow there are people in here because I know a lot of the stories area lot of these people. I know there are people that have gotten totwenty three years, to thirty years, to twenty years, to fifteen yearsand they reached that glass ceiling where they going to meetings and there not drinking, but they're not happy with their sobriety. You know, the big book talksabout there here and they're an alcohol drive the moment says feel better,look better, have a better time. We laugh at such sally. Weknow he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with hissobriety sooner no. Loneliness is if you do to be of a jumping offplace. There are reasons why people drink after fifteen, twenty, thirty yearsand that kind of stuff happens. The reason is not because they're thirsty foralcohol. It's because they're thirsty for relief from this crumb ass life, becauselife is a it's crapshoot to them,...

...because they hate their life and they'renot happy with their sobriety because all they have is their drive from alcohol.But their life sucks, so they drink. And if you think it's insane,it is insane. If you think it's suicidal, it is suicidal,you know. If you think it's self destructive, it is self destructive.But they would rather drink and try to drink and forget all this. Theycontinue to live that crummy sober life. So if you want to be oneof those people, you can be one of those people. You're not berocking in the fourth dimension of existence. You don't have to experience much ofheaven. You don't have to hit the promised land of the promises. havedo that. Do whatever you want to do. It's your life. Sohere's what it says in sermon on them. So if you ever get into readingscripture, which is what they were doing, you will find that theBible stole. The end, the entire Bible was stolen from the big bookof Alcoholics, anonymous. It's very sad, very they plagiarized whole thing. Youknow what I mean? I know they think. Most people think goWilson wrote the Big Book. He didn't. He placed the words sin with defectsof character. It's it's just a whole big thing. You know alot of things he had to throw in there, like Good Samaritan, stufflike that. So here it is. It's right here in chat. Thisis in Matthew. Five. Now you remember what the big book says isnumber one. You must get rid of this selfishness. You must have itkills you. God makes that possible. You know. It says that rightand and it also says God either is or isn't what your decision going tobe. And it says in the end, it says in the eleventh step,that we've got to get a more conscious contact with God, get closerto him, close to him, see him. He's got to be.God's got to get some point where God is real to you, guys.God has got to be realer to you then the blond with the good body. Ladies, God is be got to be really to you, then thehusband you want to have. God has got to be real to you thananything that will tear you away from this deal. Your desire to get closerto God has got to be real it to you then any desire you've everhad on the planet for the things this planet before, or else those thingswill rip you away and cause you to have depression. If your job isrealer to you, your boss is realer to you, the people in yourlife are real to you than God, then you will live a sad,sad life and you'll never get rid of the fear of other people or economicinsecurity. And you know, as know something, there's no fear so badas sober fear. It doesn't feel better. Sober field doesn't feel better than necessalilydrunken fear. You will, you will do something. Maybe it'll justbe chocolates. You know, who knows? But the bottom line is so thisis what. So if you want to get closer to God, becausethe psychic change which is caused by God, because, by the way, incase I forgot this, you are powerless and there is, by theway, one who has all power. There's this even point six billion peopleon the planet. There's not seven point six billion gods. There's one whohas all power. I know this one because the big book says, let'smake this decision, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerful,he will give us everything, another world series one and he's all powerful.There's not twenty that are all powerful, because by definition there's one that's allpower full and the one that's all powerful, we call him God. We don'tcall him geod, we don't try. You don't call him good orly direction. That's a mere code. A better philosophy of life doesn't work forus, because at three o'clock in the morning, when you have cancer andyou're dying and you're alone, good or...

...all, the direction just doesn't fitthe bills. Buddy, I don't know how to explain it to you.You're going to reach a point of your life for this could be some badshit happening. We're all going to die, you're going to get sick and youget covid. People going to die. And let me tell you some thegeod thing ain't going to work for you. At three o'clock in themorning. You're gonna be missing something. So here's what it says in sermonarmout, which was the thing they found absolutely essential. But I tell you, this is the carbon are talking but I tell you that anyone who isangry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who saysto his brother Rocco will be subject to the San Hedron, but anymore saysyou fool, will be. Other words, if you curse out your brother,if you have an argument with them, if you just you know, youdo the alcoholic thing. So if you are offering your guilt of thethe altar, if you want to get closer to God. If you wantto get closer to God. And there you remember that you have a Esembineagainst your brother and he has a resentment against you. Leave your gift atthe altar. Before, before the altar, go and be reconciled to your brother. Then come and see me. I don't want to be seeing yourass. I don't want you coming up to me. I don't want it. I don't want the pretenders. I want the real deal. Don't becoming up to me when you've just lashed out at your brother and you havea resembin against your brother. Don't be coming to me to make things allright. You know what I mean. You want to pray to me,saying please give me the courage to make things right my brother. You fixup that crap with your brother, then I want to hear from you.You're the guy want to hang out with. You know, that's who I wantto be. Now, listen, you may not like that kind ofGod. I'm just reading what it I'm not and and by the way,if this bears somewhat of a similarity two steps eight and nine and four,there's a reason for that, because the founders, before they wrote the BigBook. Were reading this stuff and that's what they were doing, and thesermon of the mount is just the STA ups. This the the sermon.The steps are just a summon some of the life set forth in the summonof the Mount. I'm sorry, you're entild. Your opinion, just notintelid your own facts. That's what was going on. So I'm going toend it this way, sort of. So when I got the wars formy wife, my first wife, and I had a five year old sonand he's like forty five now and I was supposed to take him to thezoo. I've been promising him for weeks to take him to the zoo.Now this is just one story, but this is really my life. Thisis who I was. This is who I was. You can call itselfish, you can call it self said, you called Asshole, you call Idon't care what you want to call it. This is who I am. This is why I really am. This is why I really am.I'm not the guy in the office with the PLOMA. This is this isme. It's probably not you, but this is me. So I promisedmy son I pick him up at nine thirty, ten o'clock, to takethem to the zoo. He said, Daddy, really is absolutely we're goingto zoo. And I want to tell you something. I intended to doit. I honestly intended to do it. And at around eight during the morning, I got a call from Sally, you know, cute blond I metthe night before at the bar, and she said, Russell, meand the girls are going out on a boat. We would like to inviteyou along. So now I start thinking, and I'm as sober, sober ateight thirty in the morning, thinking about this dilemma as I am rightnow talking to you. I'm thinking my son, who's five six years old, was looking forward me standing about don't waiting for me to take them tothe zoo, or sally my son,...

...or sex my son, or boozemy son, or the boat. Let me tell you something. I musthave debated that for like fifteen seconds and it was anchors away, anchors away. I was gone. I was out the door. I didn't even Idon't even think I called up my son. I'm thinking, you know, I'llstop it, Cindy, I don't need that crap from you, youknow, shaking the head like I'm like, you know, you're so much better, you know. So you remember. I can see you guys on thezoom thing, you know, you can see all this stuff, thesnicker and bullshit, you know. So I went out of the boat andI drank because, let me tell you something. You know, who livestheir life like that? Bums lived their life like that. Idiots live theirlife like that, ungrateful, selfish people of their lights. And that's whatI was. I was a bum in a three piece suit, and I'mgoing to tell you someone you live a life like that, you feel guilty, even if you don't think, you feel guilty, because you are guilty. You may look good on the outside, but on the inside, man,there's a portrait of door and gray that looks like a piece of crab. And you're going to drink. And you know why? You're going todrink, because when you live your life like an Asshole, you're going todrink. When you live your life hurting people and doing stupid shit, you'regoing to drink. That's the deal. That's what's going to happen, andthat's what I did. I drank and I deserve to drink and I didn'tdeserve a happy life. You know, you say yourself, why can Ibe happy? Why the hell should you deserve to be happy? Why shouldyou be an asshole all your life and disappointing people and do whatever they wantto do? What makes you think you deserve to be happy? Listen,you need to pray. You know you need to pray for pray. Don'tyou know? When you say life is not fair, let me tell yousome folks. The last thing you want is fair. The last thing youwant is to get what you deserve. You don't want that. Believe me, it ain't going to be pretty. It ain't going to be pretty.And so I come into alcoholics anonymous, and I want to know what amI going to be happy? And you know and and you know deep downinside, if you have that constitutional what do they say constitution ability to behonest with yourself. Here's the problem. Every once you remember every stupid,Shitty thing you've ever done. It doesn't go anywhere. It's not like onthe planet Mars. So you're lathering up on the Shin the shower and allof a sudden you hear this voice. You're an Asshole, you ought tokill yourself. You're driving your car. You hear this, but is sucha loser. You're never going to be okay. Why are you even flowingyourself? You're constantly sabotaging yourself and you're beating yourself up because you're judging yourselfall the time and you don't need people to tell you you're an asshole,you're stupid, because you're telling yourself you're stupid all the time, always lookingfor that if only or that thing to make yourself feel better. And that'swhat even when you're not drinking, and that's the true alcoholism. That's thedeal you're living with and your that's the deal. That's what you're dealing with. That doesn't go away in one year, two years or ten years. Youknow, because you love to send you learn to sit, you yearnto Sind, you just want to the bottom line is, ten years sober, you want that new car. Twenty years sober, you want that newwife. You want, you want, you want, you need, ifonly. You just can't get away from the desire to do stupid shit tomake yourself feel better fast, because it's so much easier. Easier. It'ssuch an addiction to the things of this...

...world, the worldly clamors, suchan addiction, and it's just like in your molecules, you know, andif you're an alcoholic it's even worse. You know. You're with me andthere's only one thing that I'll tear you away from. That deal is inthis incredible desire, this grated like bills and said the Lord has been sowonderful to me for me of this terrible's he's I got to keep talking aboutand telling other people only one thing, and that is to get so closeto God that you want to please him. And the only way you can dothat really, to really ultimately do that, is not only do everythingI say in the book and the praying, the meditated church, the whole bit, but you also got to make amends to people. You got tostart doing you got to make them, because he's already said it. Someof them out you don't want to talk to you unless you're going to doit. Lay they heat's not interested in the bullshit artist or the pretenders.He's interested in people that are serious. He's not interested in your bullshit.Oh, I'll never do it again. Here's the one. Here I'll neverdo it again. Is One to hear. I'm sorry, you know, thisis want to say. Well, you don't understand. It's the womanthat made me do it. He isn't one here that he wants to seeyou fix up what you fucked up. Does that make any sense? Youwant you to fix up with your fucked up and stop doing it. Soyou go out and you make amends to your son, you make amends toall these people. You do all that stuff and all of a sudden younotice down the road that you stopped fits saying bad shit about yourself. Well, every once in a while you get into an argument and you get madand you say something and then you drive away and all of a sudden you'resaying to yourself, I'm such an asshole. There it goes again, there itgoes again. You know, I'm such an asshole. If it closeto God, you know what you got to do. And you go backand you do the ten step for the whatever, the night, whatever youwant to call it, don't care. Some step sermon on the mount stepwith me, and that's the deal. And you that over and over againfor I don't know, twenty five, thirty years, forty years. Ithas an effect. It has it has an effect. It has an effect. It really takes effect. You know, it's one thing when you do itfor, you know, a year. When you do it for five years, you'll for ten. You know, you do it for thirty, fortyyears, you know it works. It has an effect. I meanreally, at five years, why should you feel better than me it fortyyears? I mean, would that be fair? I mean I'm just sayingwe would that be fair? If I do this shit seriously for forty flippingyears, why should you feel better than me after five years? That,I feel, is unfair, right, cindy? I think that's unfair.I could be wrong about that. I'll be wrong. Don't get mad atme. Okay, that's it. I'm done. It's Ober.

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