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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 5 months ago

Russell S. Step 8 at the 12 Step House 7/1/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 8 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 7/1/2021 

My name is russell's pat im, analcoholic member of the sotik group, and it's good to be here and i haven'tfound necessary, have a drink, nor have i had a drink since january, twenty innineteen, eighty one, okay, and so i'm going to talk about a few things.I have no clue. You know when i first came day mysponsor my first sponsor i've had four of them and a bunch of commenters and said to me you know, russel. You got tolower your expectations because you have all these ex expectations abouthow meanings are supposed to go and what people are supposed to say and howlife is supposed to unfold, and you just filled with resentments when itdoesn't go your way and people don't do what you want me to do.Y? U h, w low your expectation, so this is sort of like supposed to bewell forget about what it's supposed to be. It's goin to be whatever i'm goingto talk about, but it's like we're around the age. I've been doing six andseven for last two or three four, whatever the heck i've been doing,because i live on six and seven honestly, you know i mean it's part ofthe deal, it's their old timer steps and i'm going to get in a little bitabout that. But but to me six and seven have a lot to do with the atheist, and you know what i'm hoping is. I'mjane. You know i'm seventy two years old and i've been sober for a little oforty years and i've changed since i had three months, i've changed sincei've been three i've changed since i've had thirty years, i've changed and,along with the change that has happened to me, as you can well imagine his might been my change in perception.The way i perceive things you know, i started off according to the big bookand i believe the big book is true, so this isn't even my opinion. This isbased on what the big book says. I started off delusional, which means ican't separate the truth from the false, listen. Ninety percent- just in caseyou wondering nine percent of the stuff that i'm throwing out at you, no matterwhat words i use is right out of a big book of alcoholics anonymous or theadjoining conference approved material. So if youdisagree with me, you're free to just agree with me- i mean it's just myexperience. You're not disagree with me, you're, just green disagreeing with thebook alcoholics, an onmost which is okay. We all sort of do that. We alsohad to put our own spin on it. You know you got your there's the books programand then there's your program at my program and fifteen hosen differentprograms. But the great thing about this is all i have to do is try tocarry a message and that's what i'm on try to tonight. I can't carry themessage. I can't for somebody to do what i want them to do. If i could force somebody, you know ifi worried about alces doing what i wanted to do. I'd be an alemum rightnow you know yeah they do whatever they do. You know he do whatever they do all. I can do istry to carry a message and that's all i'm going to try to carry in the bestvessons i can carry is the message of my own sobriety in my own experienceand my experience has changed tremendously. Let me let me just tellyou this i've been doing step series for thirty five years ever since i wasfive years old grabbin doing this, though- and i just want to tell you something-i used to be good at doing step series- ijust want you to know that you guys are saying. Why is n't you talking aboutthe a step? Why is it he talk about the ninth of the tenth of the third? Why ishe just sort of seemed to be rambling around talking about god, quoting thegospel, you know saying all sorts of spiritual stuff at las. He seemed to bemeandering. Some of you guys might actually walkout of here. Every once filed, say yeah. It was sort of all over place, but it'ssort of made sense. That's what really kills you doesn't? It doesn't kill youwhen you're, not sure what doesn't kill you when it doesn't look like i'mtalking about any step, but you walk out, and you start thinking about, andyou said whatever it is, it really made sense and so ye you say i don't knowwhat that guy said. I said i've been to a bible study, i'm not even sure. Wasit a hey. I've never heard anything like that. But the point is like atrain wreck. You keep coming back, you know what i mean. Yahi know it's kind of crazy, isn't iti used to follow around guys. Like my sponsors, she used to do that stuff.They had up and talked for an hour and and i'd, listen and i'd be rocking inthe fourth dimension and i'd be illuminated and things would cometogether for me and i said i'd say it was like watching a guy on a tigro. I,sir, how did he do that? How do you do that? You know i'm goin to turn ye andi can't talk right now about this stuff. They just started. Do it becausethey're talking about their lives- and i don't know they just talk about stuffso so, but there used to be a time in mylife where, like there is for you, if you got three months or three years orfive years or ten years, where i thought of the steps you knowwhat these steps do is are counter intuitive. In other words, everythingabout the program is counter intuitive. What do i mean by that? What i mean bythat is it's not comfortable. It beckons you to do stuff that youordinarily, would not do. If the...

...program told you to do stuff that youusually do anyway, you wouldn't have to go to men when you a sponsor, you wouldneed some pain in the s guy saying what just shut up and do it you know, do thefort step. They tell you to do stuff that you don't want to do that,sometimes especially early on the first ten years. Don't make sense, let me dowhat makes sense to me what makes sense to me as a is great, but if i had amillion dollars everything would be okay, he is great, but if i can onlyget laid or had a good looking girl, everything would be. Okay, a a you know makes a lot of sense, buti know that the world is crappy and people are crappy and if only everybodydid things my way everything would be. Okay, a makes sense, but the realproblem is not me, but other people when i, whenever i'm disturbed trust mewhenever i'm disturbed no matter what the cause there's something wrong withthe world or other people, i can prove it to you. I can prove it to youmathematically. You know my conception is not when i'm disturbed there'ssomething wrong with me. That's not! I don't go there like immediately. Youknow what i mean i go to l, i blame people. I complain, i'm a thumb,sucking cry baby and you know something that seems natural to me. I cannot myalcoholic wife and by my alcoholic life i mean sober as an alcoholic. Myalcohol is my. I have a disease which isn't even drinking. I have a diseasethat censers my mind, not my body. The drinking is but a symptom of my disease,my alcoholic disease by alcoholic thinking, my alcoholic life seemsnormal to me. It seems normal to me. It seems normalto be to be pissed off. It seems moral will be be upset all the time. It seemsnormal to be be anxious to be anxious. You know, because well, if it happened to you, you thinksfeel the same way as a matter of fact. The man i used tohang out with talked exactly like me. They said the exacts they thoughtexactly like me. I rushlit that blonde over there. Youknow what i mean and this world sucks your boss, an asshole. You know yourwife, i get rid of that. They they thought and talked exactly like me.That's why i love alkes they're, the only people that reallyunderstood me. You know what i mean. Church people would never understand me.I never hung around them because they're self, righteous and they'refull of shit. You know they think the better than me. You know what i mean ilike alkes, you know alkes because they say things like it's all. Fuckingbullshit rot, so home fucking world is bullshit you'refull of shit, i'm full of shit. It's all fucking bullshit! I like that stuff.I like that stuff sober. You know, because you know something becausethat's the way, i think so. I feel comfortable in a group of alpes. I my whole life has been hanging aroundout keys. You know what i mean. I i'm still doing it for forty years. I can'tget away from them. I go away on vacation i'll, my wife, you said mewhat and all of a sudden some alcest come around me and start talking to me.My wife says: what is it with you? Why do they? Why? Why? Why are theyattracted to you? They seek you out. I told him one time i was in the casinoand fit guys drank in survive. Alkes i mean. I know you guys. I know analcohol is ananas. Don't they have this thing? I do i've, never understood whythey do this, but somebody will teach me that you can't call another person.Alcohol. Believe me, i've been around long enough. I can call other peoplealcohols. I know what an alcohol iis when i see him, you know some guy shakes my hand saysi'm going to get that sound of the bitch. I think alcoholic immediately.He may have never had a drink in his life. I think out. You know what i mean.I say this guy's an out, so i'm in the casino one time and like five guys cameover to me and they're all drinking well having a good time and i'm talkingto them and i'm sober and they're, drunk and they're just covering aroundme talking and my wife says what is it with you? What is it withthese people? You know what i mean i says: well, you know it is. Why do theylike? I said because i don't judge them, they know i'm not judging them. I lovethem. I like you, know, listen, i'm one of them. You know what i mean. That'sthe deal, so what happens is my perception has changed? How did my perceptionchange? Well, it's like a milk shake. You know. It's not any one thing dryoung said ideas, emotions and and attitudes whichare the guiding forces of these men's lives. Other words, you think a certainway. You act a certain way. You believe, a certain way, you're, actually clearon it and the way you think and believe andact and how youare as an alcoholic,...

...you're thinking it doesn't it the crazy complaining,feel sorry for yourself self pitying thinking. Doesn't the real alcoholismthat centers in your mind, not your body does not stop when you put theplug in the jug as a matter of fact, it gets worse because now the one thing you used, i'man alcohol because no woman, no car, no matter a amount of money ever work,quite as well as just a few drinks. That's why i drank it because it's thebest medicine for me for alcoholism. Now i didn't know that before i get inhere, but i know the one thing that i can use to remove fear completely. So i can feel like i like. The grouploves me and i love everybody and don't screw with me, because you don't knowwhat you and yeah you don't know. What anything is the one thing that makes mefeel like like the handsomest guy in the room, the bravest guy. I know whatthing is just the little scotch you know just a just. I drank for the nobleart of getting bombed, my excuse for drinking my excuse fordrinking. I was awake good enough for me. You know what i mean good enoughfor me. Nothing have worked just as well as drinking so the pride drank because, like theysay in the book, because i because i can't stand being sober, i hate beingsober. You know i mean i i sober to me- is boring. It's restless and irritable.It's just put whatever names you want to put on it. You know that's what itis for me. So when i stop drinking you know, theni have nothing to relieve. Really the pain of being sober in this world i'll go after other things, i'll goafter sex. I go after money. Go after whatever i have to go after i'll beaddicted to anything. You know what i mean just to sort of like stop myselffrom the crazy freaking thoughts that i have i got like one guy said you know, ithink you have a split personality. I said shit. I wish i get it down to two.I d, okay, you know what i mean. I got ten thousand voices. They're all tellme the same thing, i'm a piece o crap. I want to kill myself, you know i meanthere's all sorts of stuff going on. That's an alcoholic. I mean there's somany moving parts in the world. That's all go! It's almost like people aredoing their own shit without consulting me. You know what i mean. It's likereally crazy shit, so you know when i first came day andthey started and so one of the one of the re. Why did i? How did i changewell? One of the things i did to change was i, and i don't even know how thishappened, because it doesn't happen to a lot of people. My sponse told me.Many are called, but few are chosen and for some reason not because i deserveit, not because i'm smart, i don't know i'll, never be able to tellyou, so i just blame it on god. I say it's the grace of god why it happenedto me and it happens to other people, and it doesn't happen to everybody,because it doesn't happen to everyone body. You know, i don't know what thestatistics are. Whenever you know like it says, one half of one percent actually getmore than twenty years sobriety a lot of people drink before they get twentyyears before they get ten years. I don't know what the deal is, but i knowi was attracted. I came in here and i ran into men. The men i hung around with talked about getting laid. They talkedabout money, they talked about bullshit, they talked about everything they were bar drinkers. They talkedabout the stuff that alces talk about. I don't remember any time in mydrinking life, where i hung around men that held hands and said the lord'sprayer. I don't remember that ever i don'tremember ever hanging around men that prayed, i don't remember any ever hangingaround men that did the things we're supposed to do or try to help other orany of that stuff that we do in here. I came in here. I don't know how thishappened, but i ran into men who were different. They were likeserious. They were committed, they weren't dilatantes. Like i spoke aboutit. They were committed to sobriety. They said the lord's prayer, they use the word god. Many of them read the bible. Theydidn't think it was a joke. They didn't, they didn't roll their eyes when peopletalked about god or religion or anything like that. You know they weren't pissed off atthat kind of stuff. They were serious bare, they were serious and those arethe men that i was attracted to and the women, but mostly for me, themen. I was attracted to them because they had what i wanted and i didn'teven know what they had, but i could just tell because the way they carrythemselves, you know they weren't, they...

...weren't scared. You know they just theyseem to have courage and they seem to be the kind of man that i wanted. Whatthey. I guess, that's what i wanted. I wanted what they had, and you know it's funny, there'sactually a step before the steps in the big book. Just like i couldn't taketrigonometry until i took algebra and i couldn't take calculus until i tookanalytical geometry- and i couldn't take this until i took that there was astep or for the steps and the step before the steps is. If you want whatwe have, whoever we is, i guess you got to findthe weed in here a person or group of people that have something you want. Ifyou want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, thenyou're ready to take certain steps. Now there are some people that whatwill we have but they're not willing to go anyling together, they're, not readyto take for steps. They can take the steps they can takethe steps, but somewhere along the line, they'll fade out they'll stop. They won't do it because it'll get to apoint in time, at five years of ten years or twenty years that in order tomove forward- and you have to move forward- you got to you got to you- gotto have a way of life where you maintain and grow a spiritual life, andyou increase your contact with god and you get more like in the six step thatseparates rememben the boys that it continues for a lifetime where yourepeatedly work on this, so you can grow in the image and likeness of yourcreator that you can make god the senece o your life, where you can onlydemand in yourself to him, so you can be rocking in the fourth imature. Therewill be a point in time where they will, like my sponsor, say the problem: isthey get too well so too fast? They will stop drinking they'll, get thewife back, they'll get the either the house back. They'll get the car backand they'll do what they say in the six step. They will settle for that andtheir idea of suddenly still say. Well, i'm not drinking and they think that'sa success and in a hay early on you'll hear and it's true if you're analcoholic- and you haven't- had a drink today, you're a winner and it's true toa certain extent, but with that attitude somewhere along the line atsome point in time. The cares of this world an the worry of this world andthe stuff that's going on here- will choke them off from the sunlight of thespirit, and they won't be happy with this ride and they'll drink again, which is why this is no mystery, whichis why you will hear of people that come in here and say i had eighteenyears and then i drank there is no other explanation. I had ten years and then i drank i fiveyears that i drank that i had three years and then i drank, which is whythey will go back to the insanity, because once again they are not happywith this sobriety. You know, that's the that's the dealand and so to me it was a combination of a couple of things number onehanging out with people that i was attracted to that i wander with it. Yousee some people, you want what you want, what they have, but you're, not one toget any light to get it. Sometimes you don't even want they hadwhat they have so you're, not ready. You may do a four step of fifth stepnights, whatever the step it is, but unless you're locked into lookingat something or somebody that wants what you have you gonna have fortyyears and and unless you have something infront of you say i don't have it yet dilwin used to call it. You know this, this concept of ofconstantly being hungry for more for more god, getting closer to him. Youknow, and unless you got that thing going for at some point in time, you'rejust going to settle you're going to stop and as soon as you stop you start goingbackwards. I mean that's. The way it works at part of the deal was. Was thisconcept like they say in the first ta, a d before you ben it the first step, you're ready to take the steps? If youwant, we have and you willing to go to any lie to get it now. Some people have to go out thereand experiment fifty times, and some people have to get hit over the headand also it the sometimes. Sometimes it can happen while you're in here. All ofa sudden, you turn i've seen guys at twenty years, they're doing the uptherestaying, sober, they're, not happy, and all of a sudden something happens,their lives, it's a major thing, okay and they just turn around and all of asudden they get committed and they want. We have in the willig. They know that,there's more, they know that, there's more and that kind of stuff they want what they have and they'rewilling to go to any light together. So one of the things is who you hangingout with who you hang out with? I used to think, and i'm one of these guysthat at night i was hanging up with mysponsors during the day. I was hanging out with my sponsor when you hangaround with men who have twenty thirty years, and you know one of the things thathappens when you hang around with men that twenty or thirty years and stufflike that or long term sobriety and stuff like that, is i believe it or not.It sounds weird. You start, you start...

...when they talk, they talk differently.When they answer questions, they answer questions differently. When they, whenyou ask they act differently, they think that you learn how they you learn,how they think and you listen many times i be with my spot, and you knowwhat men who have fifteen twenty twenty five years, thirty years, who arecommitted, hang out with other men who have twenty thirty, you know fortyyears they hang up with other men like them, that's who they hang with, and sowhat happens? Is you start listening to them and you don't even realize you'relike modeling your life, your i was heard in a nana setting an athlete. Onesaid the manual becoming next five years will peel on the people. Ye hangout with in the books you read in the books, youread will depend upon the people. You hang out with i'm an alcoholic one ofthe consequence of being alcohol because you want to be accepted, one ofthe kind and that that desire for people to accept you that almost killedme outside when i was hanging around with the knuckle heads like to kill mesave my ass when i was in here, because i wanted what these guys had and i wason- got any like to get it to be accepted by them. But i picked theright people and i wonder what they had, and so that was important and i thoughtmaybe that's what it is. It was our most is you just hang around to go tobeans and i sort of floats up and then, of course, if you hang around theseguys, you find out they'll tell you you guys. Do your force step, you got to doyou fit you got to do this. You got to do that. You're doing this wrong,you're doing that wrong. They'll tell you so you're going to do the stepsanyway, because, if you're going to hang with them, you're going to do thework just to be accepted by them. So it's who i hang out with it's thefellowship. It's the work on the steps and when i first start doing the stepsthey're so unusual, they're so different that that it's almostimpossible to understand them because it doesn't fit within. My idea of my paradigm is how life is supposed towork and how i'm supposed to think- and the bottom line is- is that when i start working, then the steps-it's very clear to me- i'm working em! Oh i, oh, i did a third step yeah. Whatwi did i thirst? I thurs. I turned that one over. I just oh i'm doing anotherforce that well, i did attend step. Oh, i think that's the second sting. Oh, ijust helped that guy, i think that's a twelve step. You know what i mean. Idid a fifth step. I went to the group and i admit what i was a whateveryou're doing the steps and it's clear that you're doing them. You can almostsay i did less. Let's not! I did this step. I did that step. That's this! Youknow what steps you're doing. What happens you know sort of like any gameof game like tennis or something like that when you're doing the steps allthe time the first year, the second year thethird year the fourth year, the tenth year, the fifteenth year, the twentiethyear, the twenty fifth year there res the point of time where youstop doing the steps. You're just live in your life. You developed a way of life which theman's rigorous honesty they're doing the steps, but you don't think thatyou're doing the steps you're just living your life because you've beendoing this step. So long it's just the it's it's it's just what you do when you, when, if you're disturbed youknow you think about why you're disturbed you know, there's somethingwrong with you. Don't blame somebody else and, and you go up to i say:listen, i'm sorry. I said that to you and you don't really do that stuff,that much because you pretty much catch yourself because you got you practice,restrain a tongue of bent so you're not really you're, not apologizing too much,because you really don't have much to apologize to. For i mean it's just youjust thought started living your life, so they call you to do the steps andyou say what are those things i mean you got to try to remember what you tryto got it. You got to remember what they were. You know what i mean becauseall you've been doing is living life as a sober alcoholic who's. What do they call it? You know an alcohol, the next frontieremotional sobriety and so call young said it said in talking about alcoholics. Hesaid these about men and women. He says they have ideas, emotions and attitudes.You know which are shifted to one side and they become dominated by honly setof ideas, emotions and attitudes, and another thing that comes into play isnot only hanging around with the right people and not only following directions andnot only doing the steps, but the pain of not growing up, because one of the things that changes,your perception and it's part of the mix and you'll have to understand it.It's true, it's right of the book of james is the repeated humiliations andthe final question of your self sufficiency, which, over a period of time, springs to the point where you say igot to stop doing that a shit. You know...

...w a e n. I got to stop doing that shit.I got to stop cheating on my life. I got to stop you know stealing my i gotto stop doing that shit. You know what i mean and it's very very hard. Youknow to be try to be a sober, alcohol and growing the image like this of godand cheat on your wife. I mean it's not hard to do it, it'shard to live with it, it's hard not to suffer consequences asopposed to it, and i pick that out, but i can pick a million other things. Soso it's not only doing it and hanging around with people that you want torespect you and wanted them and doing this that, but it's also the pain thathappens from not doing so. There's a lot of stuff that sort of goes into it, and i found that one of the things ifound is that i see the world not the way the world is. I see the world theway i am many times i'll have clients, i'm anattorney or i'll have alcoholics that i sponsor that. I talk to that they'retelling me a situation that they're in and i'm looking at them, and i'm sayingthis is a man who's caught in a delusion where he's crazy and he sees things ifthis guy walks in the court and tells the judge what he just told me: they'renot going to put him in jail they're going to put him under the fucking jar. You know, and i got to try to explainto him, look at it from a different point of view. I mean this here, thistears stuff of trying to kill. The judge is not approved of you know what i mean.I don't care, how bad you think he is. It's really not the judges. The judgeof the jury is not going to look at it. The way you look at it. Okay, eventhough you're pissed off and i understand your bust off, so you knowwe're delusional, and so, as we change, we change the way. We look at things. So when i first came into alcohol andas i change i changed the way i talked about things because now i have nowit's not even that i'm mimicking the book, even though i believe in the bookand i've come to. I come to the point where i believe everything in the bookis right, because i prove it to myself over the years of doing this thing. Butbut what happens is my thinking? What happens is. Is that not only does my thought process change,but the way i look at the entire world changes the way i look at the stepschange so the way i look at the steps when i was five years sober when i wasfive years old and i was doing something like this. I would tell youhow to do the a step you wouldn't even need me. I would tellyou i would open up the book. I would say you get it from the forest step.You get it from the list, but there may be people not on the list. An you forstep. Like my son, i d never resembled against them, but he was on the ateles.I would tell you about harms. We talked about harms and we talked about allthat stuff. I would tell you what i did. I would tell you what i did to put themon the list. You know what i mean, how i did it. I tell you my experience italked about yet i talked about the things i fear and guilt and havingrelationships those be, i talked about the stuff. They talk about in the bigbook, you know what i mean, i probably wouldn't mention god. I probablywouldn't mention god, because god has nothing to do with making alist. I wouldn't mention god not because i don't i just it just the scot hasnothing now with the fort step, but really the fifth step or the six stepto me. They're. Just it's very you don't have to believe in god to dothese steps i mean that's the way i would think i was in a bad, a a. I wasjust an a a that didn't see god in any of this stuff. You understand i'msaying because when i came da they gave me a big book and the big book they gave me was like this. You know it was a book.The big book in the twelve and twelve was a book, and i read it and iunderlined it. It was a buck that told me a practicalway of relieving the obsession and compulsion to drink, and it didn't really talk about godthat much, if mention god and higher power therewas in pendesai, said god to be anything which means it could benothing. You know i mean they had chap to do the nostics, but everybody in thegroup said it's okay to be an agnostic in an atheist. Apparently a doesn'tdisapprove of that. You know what i mean and besides you got your program.I got my program and they told me not to talk about the god stuff, becauseshe'll chase with a newcomer- and you know- that's not really what it's allabout and everything so so i did so, and you can do a four step in a fifthstep and you can do all those steps and you don't have to talk about god or doany of the god thing you know, and so it was very easy for me. You know tojust sort of talk about that stuff and i wasn'twrong i wasn't wrong. I wasn'tsaying anything wrong. I was. I was...

...thought on the fore that they have alist right there and they probably mentioned god somewhere in the big book.I think they do, but i mean it wasn't like in your face. You understand everyonce in a while. We'd have somebody come in that it was in your face, butof course i was told that they were stupid or idiots, or something likethat, except except for those men i hung around. They didn't think thatstuff was stupid at all somewhere around ten years sober. I got to apoint in my life where i was doing well, i felt well i felt okay, except forwhen i was nervous or anxious, or you know scared or something like that, buti hadn't had a drink. You know i was not drinking and i didn't know what todo and they and a guy came up and he saysyou know, have you ever gone the bible study. Now i had not read dr bob, thegood old timers. At that point, i didn't realize that the books theyfound absolutely essential. First went and thirteen summer on mount to thebook of james. I didn't know any of bout that stuff the only hot thing iknow. I know it says in the book that we leal lose all prejudice even againstorganized religion, but what i heard in the fellow ship you see, there's thebook and then there's a fellowship. What i heard in the fellowship is thatreligion is bad. Organized religion is bad yun, stillinsane being spiritual as good, because everybody and the fellowship was saying,i'm spiritual, not religious, and what i take that to mean is basically aphrase to say: religious people, stupid religion, stupid bible, bad beingspiritual, is good, and so i thought, since i went the means, i said the lord,and i did all that i thought i was spiritual now. The truth is, let metell you what the honest truth is. I would i would throw the lord under thebus for a million bucks. I would. I would throw every piece ofintegrity i have under the bus for a good looking gal, a beautiful house anda million bucks. You know i mean i'm a material, i'm a material man, i'm analcoholic, i'm selfish, i'm not was an alcoholic. I am selfish. I am selfcentered, i'm driven by a hundred forms of fear self delusion. I got all thatshit going on and i'm selfish and i don't even know i'm selfish and aboveand i think i'm okay, because i'm not drinking and above everything i got toget rid of the self. As just don't even know. I am selfish because i think i'ma good aar and it says apparently it says somewhere in there aboveeverything we got t get rid of the sevitha luster fills us. God makes thatpossible, you know, but but it, but if you stayin sober he hey and you got ten years. You got twelve years. This is a nicechunk of time nobody's going to tell you. I need to get gone, but i was not.But what happened to me is. I had a wonderful thing happened to me and thatis. I was not happy with my sobriety. I know it's. Some people just drink. Youremember russell yeah. He drank list some people just drink, don't even knowthey're not have they just drink, but they disappear. They stopped going tomens. Where i was blessed is i didn't just drink? I was going to drinkmeetings, but the meetings had no power for me anymore. The meetings didn't excite me anymore.I didn't. I wasn't happy with my surprise, so i'm looking around to tryto figure out what's wrong. Some guy says want you go to bible study. Ofcourse. The first thing i say is absolutely not because i'm an aa and afrowns upon that, but then i started thinking you know when you're scaredfear is not a good reason to not do something when you're p, you know, godputs people in your life, so i start going to bible study senex to gatidfifty years in a okay. Now this is just my story, i'm not saying you have to doit, but i you know one of the things we do is says our stories disposed and ajohn way we used to be like would happen on it. So it is my story. Okay, the great news, bad aage you're, goingto get a lot of guys, that'll tell you their story and they hate god or theygot a hard on for that or they don't think you have to do this or a whatever.It is they're going to be spiritual, not religious and you're free to followthem. If you want, if you do what they did, if you want what they have, but wehave, if you want that deal. So what happened is after ten years and istarted reading up on this stuff and get enveloped in the god thing andhanging around with other men whose holes lives were based upon all theydid in the morning. They prayed the botan the night they praised the godbefore they a dinner, they prayed to god. The whole life was about god. All of a sudden. I picked a big bookand i saw that there was an invisible book in the big book of alcoholics andon invisible buck. I'm going to tell you this right. Now, it's invisible! Ididn't see it. Let me tell you about the second book i haven't written down.This probably the second book is all about how he is our father than we areas child and that's the key stone of the new andtriumphant arch to which we pass the freedom. It's about my absolute need to utterlyabandon myself and my life to god to...

...seek a closer connection to god to livea life of service for god by helping others by performing works of serviceand never apologizing, for my faith in god to grow in his image and likenessrepeatedly to seek his first, his kingdom. She keep first came god andhis rightes first things. First, that's what the bot to a bobstay that he waseverything he was everything and there is no middle of the roadsolution. The first few years i was sober. I onlyread the first book. I only saw the first book. The second book was invisible to me now.The only book i read is the second, but the only thing i see when i pick up thebook alcohol is anonymous. Is the book about connecting to god every step tome has got in it. Every step to me is connecting to god, so i've got steps, so you have tounderstand. I don't talk about the steps the way i talked about the steps when ihad five years. I don't talk about the steps. I i talk about the steps when ihad ten years. I talked about the subs. I talk aboutthis, my faith in god and the way i read the big book informs me as that.What these steps really mean. I look at them differently. There are people that will take thesteps until the cows come on and they'll look at it. Reading the firstbuck and they'll drink after twenty years and they'll drink after ten years, they'll think a doesn't work andthey'll try to to run around trying to figure out what's wrong and they'll walk out of rooms. Whenpeople talk about god, you know and they won't understand whatis the problem. So let me read you something from step:seven, because i sometimes you wonder if step sevens all about god, why didhe? Why do they put it before stepping? Because maybe maybe maybe maybe the attitude of step? Seven has something to do with how much you'll actually get outof step at in night. I don't know i mean. Let me run this by you again.Maybe the juice you'll get out of step. Eighty nine is totally dependent uponhow well you do six and seven, maybe a guy who's really into six andseven and believes in god, we'll get something out of eight andnine. That's somebody that isn't there won'tyet does that make any sense. You know whati mean, maybe maybe that's why they put it there. So this is what step sevensays. It says, since this step is sospecifically concerns itself with humility, which should pause here toconsider what humility is and what the practice of it can mean to us is indeed the attainment of greaterhumility is the foundation principle of each of aa's twelve steps. Each of atwelve steps have to do is informed by the principle of greater degree of humility. No alcoholcan stay sober at all at all unless he has without some degree ofhumility. Nearly all ways have found to thatunless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be requiredfor just physical sobriety, they still haven't much chance ofbecoming truly happy without it. They cannot live to muchuseful purpose or in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet anyemergency. So i man, apparently in order you cando you- can do mechanically six, seven, eight, nine ten, whatever the hell youdo, it want to do it, but apparently there's if you really want to getsomething out of step. Eight and nine four and five and ten eleven really got to get into this men fromthe voice. Then this man to this separation of the men from the boys isreally something. So let me tell you two stories: okayand put it to you. This way, a little bit different. When i was seven years sober, i had a friend named john john k. He'sthe seas now he's passed away, a wonderful guy really love the guy. Hehung around all the time and one day he came up to me and weboth knew a guy. Well, i knew a guy very well, and bill is here from newjersey named dan corel who's passed away. Also, he was had forty years in ahe. Helped me out. Tremendously is one of these guys on that one and john said to me one day: john hadeleven years i had like seven or eight yeats and john said to me: why do wemet me? The j j's diner at seven...

...o'clock tomorrow, we'll have dinner andthen go to the me, and, i said sure so i showed up a j, j's, diner and andjohn didn't show up. So what happened was i went to i wentto the meeting and john was there. I said you know john. I showed up at jjas diner and you weren't there. He said. I know something came up. Sorryabout that. I said. Okay has but i'll tell you whati'll meet you tomorrow night at j j's, you know at seven o'clock and we'll goto meetin ef a said, fine, so the next night i i showed up a jj, diner andjohn wasn't there and i tried to call me didn't answer the phone and- and isaw him at the me- and i said you know i showed up again a jas, not youweren't there he says yeah. I know something came up, and so they said, but i'll tell youwhat tomorrow night i'll meet you jj tonan we'll go to dinner, and so ishowed up a j that i don't get ahead of me here. I go ahead of me. I can tell you againahead of me and john with eleven years didn't showup, and i saw him at i said you know i showed up and he ended you didn't shop,he says yeah. I know i had to do something else i couldn't make so now i'm going nuts, you know withseven year i mean i'm building like a resentment. What kind of hassles youknow what i'm in my mind you know and all that stuff, so i go up to danecorral and i told dan correll the exact story.I told you looking for you know basically somebody to give me an answer.Why john such an asshole? Well, what kind of idiot does this you know anddank er else spent half an hour beating the shit out of me, and all he wanted to know was why ishowed up the second time. That's only why he didn't want to toabout john. You just want to know why i showed up what was it in me when i wasstood up that said, okay and i'll show up the second time. What kind of somepeople call codependency some people whatever you want to call it people,please, i don't know what it was. He wanted me to look at that so after hewent through that, and i admitted whatever the heck i admitted i was a a jerk. I had a problem. I had to workon that then i said to him: it's feeling a little calm. I said wellwhat about john and he said john's not sober. I said no john got eleven years. Shesays john's, not sober. I said no he's got eleven years. He says russell he's,not sober sober people. Don't do that now, a several years later john wasdrinking and i came to realize and he came back in the and i came to realizethat he was sort of like a depressive and during that period of time he wasthinking. Zane had gone to a psychiatrist and all that sort of stuff.Now dan grell, without even looking at him, knew he wasn't sober. I had no idea because dan parrell, whendane corral, thought about sobriety when he talked about somebody beingsober to him being sober, had nothing to do with not drink. I don't want tosay it had nothing to do. It was not about not drinking the way he saw a awas there was there was ninety percent or a ninety five percent of people whowere not drinking, and there were five per cent who were sober. That's the way, the old timers that i'mout with they didn't think you were sober just because you weren't drinking, i mean i'm just trying. That's who igrew up with that's what i grew up with. They had a different idea of whatsobriety was and it had to do really with how you treated other people. So a guy comes up to me is a true storyand he says to me: will you sponsor me and i say sure i'll spot you he says,because i want to work the steps- and i say to him- and this has happened the gazilliontimes to me- go zillion times to day, and i say to him: okay, well, i'll, send you an email, soyou can find out where i'm going to be and what i'm going to be and what'shappening, and everything like that, so you can hang out with me. Call me up.If you have a problem, i said whatever say you know, i give them somesuggestions. I don't give out a lot of assignments, because if i give somebodyan assignment, then i might have to check up on them to make sure they didthe assignment and then, if they don't do the assignment, then i get upset andi'd ask and get the assignment, and you know i love my life too much to geta set over that fucking bullshit. You know an, i mean i figure, he doesn't do it i'll die. Youknow, and you know, there's other people that really want this thing. Sothey'll figure it out one way or the other i mean i'm not that mean i mean ireally will try to help people, but i don't i don't it's, i'm not a paroleofficer, i'm not a probation officer. They call me up every day. I'm justchecking in you don't have to fucking check in with me, i'm not a probationofficer. Don't worry call me up when you have a problem, so so i say to theguy i say to the guy look.

This is just an example. I go to amen's meeting every day on zoom. I love the meeting there's between fifty and ahundred men at that, meaning from all over the world. A third of them havemore than forty more than thirty years, there's a whole bunch of them that havemore than forty and fifty years. It's an incredible meeting. You need to gothere it's every day at twelve o'clock on june and he looks at me and he says i don't like soon. I can't help him jonson. I can't i can't do anythingwith that man. I can't do i mean it's not like it'snot like i'll, say i i i don't. I never fire people you never have to firesomebody and they they commit suicide. You don't have to side, they firethemselves. You know they just don't show up. You know. I say to a guy. I say to aguy, because this is what i did. I said: oh guy, listen we're going up tolesters watch, maybe at lester's diner, well only with all the guys will hangout together and they say i can't make it. I have to you knowshampoo, the canary and, i think, that's kind of far well, we'll pick you up now. I don'tget you know whatever they give me another excuse, so i want want to. Wedo the next to no. I can't do you know what i mean so that happens like aboutten or fifteen times. You know sort of like a john thing and and then they'll finally say to meand say: well when are we going to start working on the step side? I saidi've been trying to work. The steps with you meeting for lunch is working the steps the first step has to do with gettingto the point of your life, where you realize your proas overalcohol, your lives, unmagical and so you'll follow directions to follow directions. I said, how can iwork the steps with you when you can't even fucking have lunch. I mean you know it says if you want wehave and you want to go to any lake to get it i mean. Is lunch like too hard a deal? I don't like zoom. Is that too hard adeal? I mean my sponsors would tell me to do shit, show up here and show upthere. Rale teeth told me one time meet me for lunch. I wanted what he had.He had forty years. He was incredible man circuits me, i want wane said: needme for lunch. At shula's at twelve o'clock i drove ten miles, got oshouers at like twelve o five got out of my car went in, and i said where'sprofessor o keep. He says he was just here. I don't know he was just here. Ilooked around and he says i don't know he was here. I call him up, i say rayi'm here. I said i said i'm here. He says what time is it? I said it'stwelve ten. He says i told i told you twelve o'clock said i told you twelve o'clock the next day i showed up the next time.I showed up ten minutes early. You know the men i hung out with didnot want to play around with diletante. They want he wanted to. He wantedsomebody why waste his time on somebody wasn't serious. You know you ever hear this line, youcan talk to talk, but to walk. The walk i mean there's one thing i hulks can dois is bullshit. You know they say shit like. I reallywant to do this stuff i'll tell you when you find what they want to do itwhere they show the whether they show up you know and- and i think when you showup- and you start doing stuff like that, and you become totally committed day and you're into the sixth step. Youknow and- and you really want to face your life and you're committed thatstuff and you're not doing half measures. I think these are the peoplethat actually get some lasting crap and grow up and come in and not children inalcoholics anonymous, and i think it's possible to look likeyou're doing the steps. Look like you're doing something thatlooks like it's a form of aa and not get much out of, except maybe not drinkfor a few years. Yea but not be rocketed. The fortdimension of existence- and i know that's true because i knowmost people in a- are not rocket in the fourth mention existence. They haven'tbeen born again. They have not got into that place intime where the god has become to send a piece of their lives. They're like at the place in time whenthey talk about it in the seventh step, where they may say they believe in god,but their belief is barren. It doesn't work because they're not committed tothat deal, they're more committed to try to manage their lives. They don't want what what we have. Theywant, what they used to have they want what the rest of the world as runaround trying to get things in this world. You know so they can be comfortable. We havepleasure, that's not what this is all about. This is about. I know what thisis about, because it says of fifty zero...

...times the big book different ways. It'sabout sincerely giving your life to god. Who will give you everything you need and you can possibly ever need if youstay close to him and perform his work well and his works are that you trusthim, you become a servant for him. Those leaders are trusted service andyour matt. You try to maximize your help to other people and a kindly act once in a while. Isn'tenough. You got to devote yourself to helpingother pepe. I know i know what the book is very clear to me. Who god is. Idon't sit around trying to it's very hard to get closer to god. If you don'tknow who the hell, he is he's not invisible to me. I know exactly whatwhat he is and what he wants, because the big book tells me yeah. No, you cancall the god of the big book or whatever it is. You know i have to be achristian gob. You call anything one, but i know what it it says says hewants me to be honest. He wants me to be loving. It wants me to devote mylife to helping other people, not only alcoholic in that comes to my path. Ittells me exactly how i'm supposed to be and how i'm supposed to act and what'sthe most important thing in my life supposed to be, i mean i don't want tobe, because you see if i start making believe that making up my own god, mygod will allow me, you can't imagine the ship. My my god would allow me toget away with you can't even imagine i'll have the god of. Please please doeverything i want you to do you know and give me a million dollars, and youknow what i mean. I don't have one of those i'll never be able to understand,see my god is the kind of god that he will allow me to suffer and i'll learnthe value of suffering, because that's how he grows me in his image and islikeness, and i don't get pissed off about it. You know i may not like it. Isay thank you, god. I know at the other end of this all things work for goodfor them who loves you, and it's called to your purpose, and i know i'm goingto grow up and have some character and get closer to you as soon as i getthrough this. That's that's my god. That's got my understanding. That was the god of their understanding.You know we were almost called the james club. You know i have this. Mygod has written all over the big book of alcoholics anonymous and the twelveand twelve a god of not having resentments butloving other people, but god of making amends to other people when you didsomething wrong. You know a god o what the what the books i read wassermon in the mountain god that says: don't look at the the speck in yourbrother's eye. Look at the big beam in your eye, the god that says that if youwant to be close to me- and you owe something to your brother in trouble-ith your brother make up with him first i mean i mean. I know i know whom i gotit. I know what the big book to i know. I know where they got the shit from. I know exactly where they got all thesteps from and alcohol a ami. You know why this when i was ten years old orsome guy said lunch, you start reading the bun and i started reading the booksthey were reading and you know some. I go to a means. I talk about this stuffall the time and i never apologize for it. You know why, because the big booksays we never apologize, for god run a new basis. We trust god, all men offaith have courage. They trust their god. They never apologize for god. Sowe let him demonstrate in our lives, but he can do for us, so i'm just i'm just following them,but you can follow the big book where you can follow the fellowship. You knowwhat the fellowship is. It's not. I just want to say something: i love thefushi. It ain't well people's anonymous. I just think case. You thought youwound up in well: people's anonymous. Okay, it's a whole bunch of people,ninety five percent of which don't want to hear the shit and don't want to doit want to do just enough to not drink and be okay. You know they looking forextra credit. Okay, so, but i'll tell you, if you want the good stuff, yougot to find those guys and those girls that are committed to this thing inreading the big book. Thank you very much. That's all i.

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