AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 8 months ago

Russell S. Step 8 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 8 from the Coral Room Zoom February 19, 2021  

Or the COTIXI group Hav't found nesrehave drink since January. Twenty Ne Uandnine Huneen and eighty one great tobe here, I'm here to comfort the disturbs and disturb the comfortable.So let's sit back and have a good time. I promise you at some point during thisdeal, I'm going to tie in the age step. Usually it's about the last threeminutes. Don't worry about it. It's all going to be under control like Thin Gi,wout, O warn you I want to let you know this. The other day my wife stood in front ofthe TV set. You know my wife he's in Allenon our ladies a perpetual revenge.She stood in front of the TV set, put put her hand while I'm watching TV putheur hands on her hips Sindy. I want to get a Pictur, this Wut's her hands onher hips, blocking the TV and says hello, hello. You never listen toanything. I said so. I'm sitting there thinking what a strange way to start aconversation. You understand what I'm saying it's like crazy and she says tome: She says you Paul you're laughing, you don't know what it's like she saysto me. I want you to be tested for sinility. It has something to do with my not hearing her when she's talkingto me or my not noticing things that are actually going on in the planet.Now. Let me explain something to you and I don't know what you think emotional Sobrietye. You know. That'sthe next frontier cort of the bill, Wilson, emotional sobriety, ar realproblems. Is this unhealthy dependencies? You know unhealthydepends hes, like Worryieng about our wives, moods and things like that. Youknow hundred healthy, depensies, werein too much get to coependents orsomething or cars and stuff, but but but listen. You know how it says in thebig book you'll be rocking in the Fort Domension of existence. You'll experience much of heaven. Youknow how what says that part you fight, no one or nothing. You feel protected,you're, Pun, some mountaintop somewhere and you lose fear of people and ofEconomican security you're reborn. You know all that stuff. They say thatpeople want to attain now here's the problem in my mind now this is just myopinion, my you, if you ever get to that point where youlose fear people in economic security, that you stop fighting everybone, thatyou're rocking the fourth dimension of existence. Let me warn you. If you'remarried to your wife, it looks like Cinility, you understand what I'msaying it looks like sinility, because you just sort of like don't move offthe couch and you're staring at the walls and they think there's somethingso I actually had to go down and get tested I got tested. I really did Itook te doctor and I got tested. I first I had to get tested for my yearstested because she was convinced I was death because apparently I wasn't. Iwasn't hearing her or listening to what was actually going on in the house andI got tested and and I'm not deaf and and then I gottested for the similarty and the doctor said no he's not seen Al and you knowso. So that's a deal so she's a little bit upset with me about that deal andshe thought she had me there and actually what the doctor said to herand she crosse this doctor oflisas. I think he is operating on a lower level.At this point I think he's at genius love or something like that, and shedidn't like that at all. She do s being sarcastic or something now now here's here's I want to just now. Idon't have look nothing up my hands, nothing up, my sleepes! I got nothing.I got no books. I got nothing. This is all from memory and from doing thisthing for a long time, so I want to sort of say something to which is outof the big book. I want you to listen to just check this out. You probablyheard it before selfishness, selfsenterness...

...anybody hear this thing beforeselfishness, selfsentness, that's the root of our trouble, if you're, notselfishness and self senterness, that's the root of her trouble, driven by ahundred forms of fierce selfdelusion and Selfseeking fearself. We step on ttose of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation, but welearn that we've take made decisions in the past based upon self forselfishness. WHILH puts us in a position to be Furt, so nolcohol isselffull on riot, though we usually doesn't think so. Is Anybody ever heardthat before I got Ta repeat, I got to repeat thisagain selfishness and I want you to listen to every word, because you knowmy sponsor by the way explaining me what this meant an I sliv I eselfishness, selfcenterness drip. That is the root of our troublem.You want to know what your promiise selfishness selfsetteness is the rootof our trouble driven driven. All these words have the meaning by a hundredforms of fear self delusion self delusion an alcoholc life seems the only normalone seems the only normal one. He can't separate the truth from the false tohim is alcoholic life seems normal selfishness, selfsetderness, driven bya hundred forms of fear, self delusion selfseeking we step on toes of othersand they retaliate seemingly without provocation. But we learned that wemade decisions based upon south, which puts us in a position to be heard soALPOLC is, is self will run riot whatever the hell? That means, thoughhe usually doesn't think so after many years I asked my sponsor:What is that you know what do they actually mean? He says what they meanis t. You don't give a shit about anybody except yourself and which I thought by frankly was alittle harsh and a little fanatical. You know what I mean, and I explained T.obviously he didn't understand me. You know because I was it, wasn't that badit wasn't that bad a deal with me. So do you think now? Let me ask you thisquestion is like a rhetorical question. That means you don't have to answerjust think about. Do you think it's possible to hear that statement? How many times do you think thatstatement Selfarh, the Self Sise is, is talked about an a you know I mean: Doyou think it's possible to hear that statement, selfishnes SELFSENDOF this?That we think is the root of our trouble, driven by hundred forms offeerself delusions off seg. We said you think its possibly hear that statementa hundred times and not have any idea what the hell they're talking about. Doyou think that's Fon. Do you think it's possiblly five years sober and not had any idea truly as to whatthat means, you think it's possibly ten years soberand to sort of have it an idea of what that means, because you've done thesteps, but you really have not plum that sucker in death. You know youmight even think you're sort of over it. You know what I mean: That's yeah. Well I mean how Wu yo I mean. Youknow what you know. My Grandmother said to me once and my grandmother was theonly person in my life. That's really lovely. She said to me, said Russell. She saidYassol Yeah, basically a you're, basically a good boy. You have a goodpart, you know what I mean see. That's I'm listen! I think why Y grandmygrandmother who loved me she's, the only one who actually knew me. I agreewith my grandmother. I think I'm basically a good boy. You understand, Isad thing, I'm basically good. I think you people are basically good people.You know I mean I had some bad breaks and misunderstandings and somedifficult situations come up and you know I had this problem with the booze,but I mean basically, I don't think IFM myself as a selfish person. I don't think myself is selfish. Ithink that's a little lekextreme or selfcenter. I don't think myself asDelusionale as a matter of fact, I'm...

...extremely smart. I mean. If there's onething I know about me, is I'm the smartest guy of the room I gridgraduate with Department of the Laers, an mathmacs going for my phc and how torat copology that's what it's going to be decide go to law school became adivision chief. You Know National Science Foundation fol. I am not astupid guy. You know what I'm pretty. I don't think I'm delusional, Iunderstand. What's going on Hey, let me tell you something else. I came into Aa when I was thirty oneyears old before I came Toa. I, of course I had graduated HighSchool Graduated College. Graduated Post Grad got married, had a babybought, a house became a division Sein. The state's Attorney's office becameone of the top guys. There was trying all the murder cases and everything inthe office in Miami Day County, which was one of the largest prostitutionofficers andsa during during the bite you remember, Miami Vice in the MiamiVice State, where they were finding bodies all over. I was trying to murderfor that's what I was doing. You know. So its only explain to you I, forthirty one years I lived a successful life. What I thought was t a successfullife which looked at I got married. I had sex. I went out with women, I hadcars, I had money, I had degrees, I did the whole thing and nothing in my lifehad anything to do with God, and I can promise you that I saw itapparent. So what I'm telling you is. I absolutely know without any question that I do not need God to be successful. I O need God to be married. I need Godto have babies. I don't need God to go out with women and wine and diamond. Ineed God to get a job. I don't need God to win a murder case. I mean God to getir. I don't need God fre anything plus. I want to tell you something else.I have a lot of friends who are very, very very successful. ProfessionalLawyers. Doctors, police officers, detectives and youknow something they didn't need God either. You know most of the people. I didn'thang around people who need God is they live t dee in some church somewhere. So in my mind, it's perfectly possible tolive a successful life without God, except for this one small. So so,basically, I'm basically a good boy. I have basically a good heart. I'm notselfish, I'm not selfstentered, I'm not delusional, but unfortunately for me because a badrate to misunderstandings and stuff that you would never understand becauseyou don't know what it's like. You know, what I mean you haven't suffered likeI've suffered at the hands of people that are unfair. I developed thisinteribl habit as far as the drinking was concerned. You understand what I'msaying I couldn't stop drinking. I could not stop drinking and it got so bad so bad that on December Twenty Fith USAninetneen eighty at three o'clock in the morning I turned on a TV set after living in myBachelopane, because I left my wife and child. I had abandoned them. I Love Them. If you would have asked me why Yaurwell. First of all, my wife told me that if I didn't stop drinking, she wasgoing to leave me, and that was alive because she didn't leave me. She justKicke me out of the House, and- and you know I mean she made- that you know andwe were obviously grown in different dert raptiones. She didn't understandme, IIDNT, understand her, and and besides you know s, I mean I loved itwhen I married him, but you know I just really wasn't getting much out of therelationship and and there Wese some girls. I wanted to go out with andstuff like that, so so, but by that...

...time I had. I got divorced to see andI'm living in my house and at three o'clock in the morning after being kicked out of a partybecause I was drunk, I find myself on my knees, asking Godto come to my Matt Life. I can't even explain that deal, but I was thirty.One years old, I thought my life was over. It was never going to get hetteragain. It had nothing to do nothing to do with selfishness. It had nothing todo with selfsetterness. It had nothing to do with being delusional. I wassuicital, I wasn't delusional is a difference. I thought my life was overwas never going to get better again and I was I was. I was at the jumping off place. Theytalked about in the book, you know, and so and all I know is thirty days later.You know I mean I gave my life to God. I gave m light to Jesus and I'm aJewish kit from New York, and I gave my life to Jesus because the preacher wason TV said. If I did that it would be okay, Gat I life to Jesus has come. Iwas about a sers, I was about a sinserious, you could possibly do theysay, don't rob in alcohol Oms last ting drink dung, robin alcohol, it hisdesperation. I was so desperate. Lhet me Tinn. I was so sincere about Jesuscoming to my life, because let me tell you something: I'm just lucky: theHarry Cristinas didnt show up because ID be at the airport right now with atambourine. You understand what I'm saying, but the bottom line is you knowwhat showed up was this preacher and he told me to get down to my knees and saythe senters prayer and I did it and I like to be able to tell you I stoppedrinking. You know three Rabiys and a priest came by with some Duncan Domansay we got an am meeting going on here. That's not what happened. I continue todrink down, to a big car accent and almost killed myself and thirty dayslater I found my I had my last trick and I found myself an alcoholicanonymous. That's the that's! The Moral Mu, that's the end of my store. Okayand I stope drinking I'm a white ship wonder: Stop Drinking Haven. I had adrink in forty years, SOM. So here's the deal. So I start working these steps now.Apparently, no, I don't understand this stuff at all. Apparently what happensis if you work these steps rigorously with a sponsor over a period of timetime, a lot of time. What happens o you start learning to live a different typeof life, a different you know, there's an alcoholic life and there's anonathol life now now and alcohol when you're in an alcoholic life. You saythings like you say things like this. I can still. I can still imitate analcoholic. I can ivitate it. I can do it. Okay, here's alcoholic say thingslike they don't know who they're fuckingaround with they don't know who they say. Things like they say thingslike this. Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am they say things like?What's your name, I want your fule name and what's your Bosso, they say thingslike. Why is this shit always happening to me? They say I can never catch abreak. They say things like this. My life sucks, or they say things likethis, I'm having a bad day, I'm having a bad week, I'm having a bad year. Youknow why don't I ever get a break. Why iseverybody always screw? I mean they say if you're living in an alcoholc life,you have these. You say these lines, there's a lot of n. You say things like.I don't give a shit what they think about, but Y. I don't care what theythink about me. screwing. You know you say that you seem sometimes to be sort of manand upseid and upset able and stuff like that. Now I know I'm talking toyou guys. You guys probably don't really understand what I'm talkingabout, because I can tell you're like at a higher level about holism than Iam, but I have a serious. Let me tell you something: I'm a chronic alcohol. Ihave a serious type of alcoholism. I don't have the mild orform, you know soso during the day I was some. I was the...

...sum total of every asshole I ran intoand everybody I ran into was an asshole. I used to think that I had a machinegun mounted on my car, where I was just killing families of listen. If, if I would kill, I would murderpeople, I probably murdered fifty people a day. I was a proscuterand inmy mind, I'm killing people, people that are getting my way. You knowpeople that are driving too slow. You know y just blowing them up killingpeople that are just not doing what I want them to do. Stupid people, youknow what I mean and and I'm murdering people, and when I murder you, I don'tjust shoot you O Jus, I, U I dip, you an molten lead and then I just you off.I bring you back to life, and then I dip you again. You know what I meanthere: Ai, no programs where I've come from now and now. Here's the crazy for it's crazy. Now that I think about it,that's the way I thought about life. I was always mad at somebody hangry atsomebody Russiang to go somewhere. pissed off upsetable and everythinglike that: here's the crazy form, that's my alcoholic life that and that's my alcoholic life,sober. Listen when I was drinking, I was okay. Let me try to put this onwhen I was sober. I was crazy when I was drinking. I was fine this I don'tknow. That makes any sense. So we tryig to explain to you this way. I didn'thave a drinking problem. Drinking was the solution to my problem. I have aproblem with something called sobriety. Okay, I couldn't handle sober sober tome was shitty. Okay, drinking drunk was okay, so that was my dea, so apparently not now now I didn' realizethat there was something wrong with this and I want to Tayl you somehingaround a lot of guys that apparently felt the same way. I did because thoseare the guys I hung with I've, always hung with alcoholics. Even today I hangwith alcoholics. You know you would you guys would be like exhibit one. Youknow if I was in trial, I tbe exhibit one alcoholics O hang with outohols.They seem to be the only people that understand they in this crazy world. Soso here's the deal so I'm so so here's this issue. So after overperiod of time,if you work these steps, what happens? is they slowly slowly slowly, slowly,slowly get you to ease into a different type of life. You know if anybody would say to me ifI met anybody in thet, you see when you're insane when you're an Alcoholiand you're insane, and I know I'm insane because the second step is youcome to believe that there's a power that will restore you to sanity and youcan't be restored to sanity unless you're insane. So when you're insaneand you don't know you're insane and when you're upsetable and you don'tknow you're upsetable and you don't know any other way of doing it, andsomebody tells you that you're upsetable you seen to them somethinglike this. Well, if it happened to you, you'd feel the same way. That's whatyou say. You said well sure if it happened to you, if he bounce the checkon you, but then all of a sudden, a you run into people will call them old,timers or just sover people, and they have bad things happen to hem and theydon't react the same way. They don't get mad, they don't get upset, theydon't say I'll, show you they don't get pissed off. Okay, they act like comelike seeing the theyre like Seni. Now, when an ALCOHOLC, that's insane meat meets a an old timer, somethingthat's sober to an alcoholic. The AL timer seems crazy. You understand whenyou're insane and you run UTO. Somebody who saying the same person looks crazy.So so our way of life now as sover alcohols to an alcohol, looks crazy, sohere's it so I'm sitting there and I'm...

...coming to Daya and over period of time,three years, four years, five years, tenyears, fifteen years, twenty, whathappens? Is it eases you int to a form of life which demands rigorous honestly? Have you read in the book? You knowit's. We probably read it today. It says it says it said something like really I'v SeenPerson Rolyn isfellow, some falloing steps, those who do not recover thosewho tannot or will not completely give themselves the simple program whichdemands rigorous honesty. So again, the program is demands reros honesty, whichmeans we start getting honest with ourselves. When you start getting honest withyourself and when you start when over per o ten or twenty years, you gothrough something called repeated humiliations and the final question ofourselvf sufficiency, and this is the way it looks like you remember when youfirst came Odaya how you werepressed by I mean I don't know anything about yourbottoms. But when I came ta Daa I was crushed. I thought my life was overremember when your life was so bad when things got so bad, so bad that you actually went to Aa. Does anybody remember that am I theonly guy is that it I'm cosatr a MiG, the only guy, reprisis shit. Rememberwhen things got so bad that you even went to out alcohol, Imean, let me tell you something: If you're an ALCOHOLC, please got to getreally bad fif you go to AA. Now it's true, you can get a prematurely like ajudge could order you Nja or you could acsently find yourself an Aa but you'renot going to stay there for long took period of time because you'rd, but butthere is a point in time, if you're wacking, if you're fortunate, if you'reblessed where things get so bad that you go to AA. Now, let me let me let me tell you alittle secret for New People that sort of pattern where things getso bad that you do something crazy, like odaa. That pattern doesn't stop.That goes on for a good thirty or forty years. You know what I mean wherethings get so bad that you stop cheating on your wife, where things getso bad that you stop stealing money with things get so bad that you youknow what happens. Is You get this thing called repear humiliation,because you want to ebecause in my way of life, doing things like doing thingsselfishly and selfcenterly and living the Oll way of life is natural to me. Ido not have to go to meetings to be an Assole, I just I don't. I don't have togo to meetins to think only about myself all I care about all it's likemy sponssor. You don't care about anybody except yourself. You don't givea shit, you know what I mean. Let me tell you something that attitude thatwhen it comes right down to it, the only person I care about is me. I don'thave to go to any meetings for that. I don't have to call up a sponsor for theI don't eed, an a sponsor, say: Hey School, all you only care about. I tess,listen! That is my natural state of listen. Here's the problem, my grandmother,Dana etel. She was incorrect. She was mistakenabout me. She was not right. I mean she was a grandmother and she loved me. Youknow at I mean how granny's love you know that they love them. You know, andthey heverybod needs to have a grandmother like Mike Nana, but she waswrong when she said you're, basically, a good boy. I am not basically a goodboy listener. There are people on the planet earth.You might even know hem that are kind that are generous, that go out of the way and do thingsfor people and don't expect anything to return that. Don't that don't thane thingspersonally that don't hold grudges that want to just help other people that love other people and that aregrateful and they don't go to any means...

...or ar people like that, and then thereare people who are the opposite, the opposite of those people. That would be me. I would be theopposite person. Do you unders? Am I making any sense, I'm like I'm theopposite of that? Okay? So let me let me let me say: Let me explain this toyou, so I get M. I say to myself one day: I used to say this all the time youever wake up and say: If I only had this I'd be okay, anybody ever say this,hey validate me. Why? Even if you haven't anybody, Racher have you eversaid? Oh Man, if I only if I only was making more money, I'd be okay, if Ionly had a different boss, I'd be okay! Oh if I can only marry that guy. If Ionly marry that girl I'd be okay, if I was only married, be okay, if I wasonly divorced, I'd be okay, but only had o CRI Beo GAM, Vony, Ot, O Bass,Rody, I be okay. If I only n lose fifty pounds, I'd Beo Cunon. Are you an ifonlier any s butter? Are you? Are you somebody that is just waiting to be asuperstar as long as you get this, and then you get this and then it's allshit, and then you got to get something else and e? Are you one of those peoplethat spend money you don't have to buyshit? You don't need to impresspeople you don't like, because somehow, when you spend something and you dosomething it makes you feel better and then you got to do it again or you wantof these people that got to talk bad shit about people behind their back,because somehow it makes you feel good to talk bad about other people,especially if people agreewit. I are you crazy, like me, are: U You got thatthing going on you know so so here's the deal apparently one day, I walked into aclass at the universe of Miami, and I saw this gown. She was a cheerleaderxcher leader, her father was a doctor. Her mother was lauyer and she had legsup the year and I said to myself, as I'v Often said, if I only had thatwoman I'd be okay, and so I turned on the charm, becauselet me explain something to you: Don't look at me the way I am right now Imean you gotto. Imagine me like, like a hundred and twenty pound lighter, youknow what I'm talking about you got to. Imagine me, like a you, know: TwentyFive Years Old, a hundred twenty pounds ligter so f like Magnam Pi, you knowver like I got the photos, don't worry and everything like that. I could turnon the charm. Let me tell o something I was. I was Alloweng t lizard from the.Let Me Tell You im, I wander what she had and I was going to go to any LEK toget it and I could turn on the charm. I could get a job. I could get a woman. Icould do whatever I wanted to do. If I wanted to get it and God help you ifyou're the target of an alcoholic male who's like me, you know it as like me,and so I can turn on the charm I could be intelligent. I could be feltfunny once in a while, I'm even funny today, you know what I mean I can behumorous. I coun be charming. You know like couple and everything like that. Ican do the act. I can play the game. I am the actor on the stage. Okay andthat's theing. I said if I only have this Moman I'd, be Okay and guess whatI wind Ri Dider. I want. I told her father who was a doctor.Mother was a lawyer that I was going to become a lawyer, so I switched my mydegrees o Com Amora, I became a more in became a division shed, say servsoffice. I married that Gal. We had a baby e got a beautiful, Ou, SOM mymbchon the golf course Imean like that. I had a great job and then around fiveyears, five years in the marriage. I just got,you know, sort of tired and she I don't know I was going out drinking all nightand she was staying home with the baby, and I was looking at all these girls on thedance floor and I said to myself. Man, if I can only have if I can only haveone of those I'd be okay. I never physically cheatedon my life, never physically cheaved on my wife, because I'm as Nana saysbasically a good boy. I knew that would be wrong, but I sure thought about itand I'd stay up till three four o'clock in the morning and come home, and Icheet on her and I think when you I think when you arein a bar at four o'clock the morning your wife is home with a baby and Youewatching women on the dance floor and you're saying to yourself, I only couldhave that gall I'd be okay. I think it's like close to cheating on yourwife. What O o? What do you think...

...sinding? What do you think is that true?Do you think that's close to infidelity? I think it's. I think it is absolute.Thank you. I was asking your P. I was honestly interested in your opinion,okay, so so because I can't get a right opinion from the guys. They don't thinkthat's such a big deal so anayevent. So I basically drank myself to the pointwhere my wife took me out of he house, and then I got a divorce before I got a divorce. I went to theand I left her and- and I told myself because, because I'm a rationalizer, Itell myself rational lives which has something to do by the way, with beingdelusional that somethin do with delude it. HAP has something to do with youknow. Your alcoholic life seems the only normal one has something to dowhere you can't recognize truth from false. Has Somethi G T do with t adishonest life fors an honest life? I told myself that the reason I wasgetting a divorce is. We were groing, intdife directions. We got married tooyoung. She didn't understand me. I didn't understand her, but here's thetrue bcaut after twenty years in alcoholics, anonymous work in thisprogram. Here's the truth. I got a divorce because I wanted to go out andget laid by other women. Now that does give me a great deal ofpleasure to say that and I'm not dragging about it- and you know thereare actually people on here. That might say themselves. Maybe women that guy isa total freaking selfish asshole, not Cablebe, and you would be right, but I want to explain to you why mygrandma was wrong when she said you're, basically a good boy, because when it comes right down to itall that other stuff that I did in my life, you know getting a job, getting a girl getting money. All thatstuff was just playacting. If you really want to know who I am at my core, you understand that I don't give a shitabout anybody except myself and my own pleasure. So then after I get a divorce, I havewhat's called visitation with my son. I don't knowhow many people wh Divorce E. I had visit and I had a beautiful son andhe's not like forty eight or something I don't even know and he's got a couple.I got two or two grandkids with him and my son I promised them. I would takethim to the zoo and for two weeks he was waiting for me and take him to theZo on the Saturday had tickets and everything and on Saturday morning, aneight o'clock in the morning. I got a phone call from Sally. You guysknow Sally. You Know Sally. That was her name Sally. I remember, and shesaid Russell me and the girls are going out on the boat. Would you like to come so I'm thinking,boat, Sally Booze, sex, Sun Boat, Sally Booze, sex son. I struggled with that for ten seconds.You know what I mean you die. Hete was a little bit of a struggle for tenseconds and then it was anchor's way and I left to go with Sally and I nevercalled my son. So now my son, who's, five or six yearsold is sitting there waiting for his dad and he never gets a phone call andI'm saying to myself he'll be happier with his mother. He wouldn't be happywith me anyway. I just wanted to tell you that story.In case there was some crazy person here that actually still like me, youunderstand what I'm saying I want. I wanted to make sure you understood whata selfish sont of a bitch asshole I was now. Let me explain some to you when Imade that decision to go out with Sallin and leave my son.I was as sober as I am right now. Do you understand what I'm saying I wasas sober as I am right now. You know why I did that. I did thatbecause at my core at my cor, my core,...

I'm a selfish person. I don't give a shit about anybodyexcept myself and that's who I am as an alcoholic. Now you may think that makesme feel bad. The greatest thing in the worlds toknow thyself, you know and first Qret, then thirteen,which was the book that they said were, was absolutely essential. They studiedbefore the big monk the first four years. One of the lineses is we seethrough a glass darkly, we're delusional, but soon all of be revealed.The one thing that happens to you, if you'R lly worth this problam ofOutholsanamas, is you get to see yourself as you really are, and thegreat thing about seeing yourself as you really are and who you are and whatyou are is because the first step in getting out of jailis knowing you're injail in the first place, and you can't possibly be motivated to get out ofjail or know you're in Jell the first place unsil you realize what aworthless piece of crapy I mean, listen, you're, not telling you something, youdon't know, because all alcoholics are out to destroy themselves Avso. Whatcall managers said because we're all we're all we all basically deatdownside, be believe we are worthless. We are worthless. Why do you think whenyou're driving in the car or showeing? Why do you think you tell yourself youra piece of Shit, you Wanght to kill yourself? Why do you think you tellyourself you're a loser? Why do you think you get those voices that com infrom seemingly nowhere telling yourself what the heck? Why do I even try mylife and sucks? I might as well forget you I might as well to why do you think?Where do you think those voices come from if it doesn't come from deep downinside of you, where you have the capacity understand I USD to say to mysponsor, I feel guilty e says because you are guilty, you know it's not because the world hasit out for you, you have it out for you. I have it out for me because nobodyknows what a selfish trick. I am then, and then Mey, and that is let me tinksomething. That's the real alcoholism. You can stop drinking, but you can'tstop that Shit. You can't stop that Shit. You can't stop that stuff. That's why you worry what they're goingto think about you all the time! That's why you want to be ex. That's whyyou're such an accept. Please accept me, a love, a Hallan. Please accept me aHallon Ol that Pulshin! That's why you have such a crummy life. You know whyyou're so acsetable because of those thoughts, because you're selfish andyourself center and you're driven to that driven by a hundred forms of fear.What are they going to think about me? What am I going to do? What's going tohappen? Selfdelusion Selfseeking, where you step and it cause you to makeactions and send emails and do stupid Shit where you hurt other people andthen they retaliate Seei to provocation, and the problem is because you've madethese decisions based upon yourselfiess put you in a position to be heard andhere's the crazy and yourself for a riot. You can't help yourself, youcan't stop yourself. Nobony can stop you and here's the real sad part, butyou usually don't think so. You're like me, you think you're,basically, a good girl, you think you're, basically a good boy. You thinkit's not that bad you're not really selfish. Above everything we must get rid ofthis subistas. We must start kills us. God makes that possible, but God ain't going to make thatpossible. Unless you want him to remove it from you, unless you take theactions this whole thing, all these steps is a step. You know the last lineof the book, the last Paagraph in the bug and says see, who wit yourrelationship with him, is right and great events will come to pass for youand catless others. You know it says it says if you want to be rocking thefourth dimensional existence, if you want to experience life of happiness,peace and happiness, the great fact is: Isn't nothing less make God the centralfact of your life become convinced that he lives in your hard mind and e way,Wich, just deed, miraculous, he's going to do for you what you can't do foryourself he's already started. It says once you make that decision, for God,holses remarkable things happen being...

...all powerful, give you everything youneed. If you stay close to him perform is work. Well, you got to be close toIM, reformers work. Well, you know he does want to hang out with you, whileyou're out there doing crazy shit. He wants to hang out with people that wanthim that need him. You know what me Ain't going to chanse you around theblock. You know what I mean. What does it say we're on a new BAS is the baseof trustin and relying upon God. We never apologize for God. All menIFTHEYS have courage, they trust their God. We never apologize for God andsaid we let him demonstrate our lives, what he would have us be at once weoutgrow Feaer, and it's all about God above everything we must get rid ofthis Subton Musard kills. US. God makes that possible. Your real reliance mustbe on in he'll, even show you how to great develse you be creave, you wantto know who you are and what you are you watch who you hang out with? Whoyou're listening to? Are you listening to the AA grouptherapist? Is that what you go? You go to these group therapy meatingswherever vomits on the table about all their problems. Thiys, okay, DON'TDRINK! Gon Means YOU'LL, be okay! Is that what you listen to and you Kdon'tyouare uncomfortable with the God? Are you onpoprab ith, the God thing, ofcourse you're uncomfortable with the God thing? That's what it says inchapter thenosics, you're uncomfortable with the God things you can't handlethe God thing. If a mere Codo mors a better plosly woul life would havehelped you you do it a long time ago, but didn't elp us that way. We have totalk about God. You know W at they say about the God thing. They say theAthist thing. The anossiting is, this sort of thing has to be abandoned. Godeither is ore? Isn't what's your decision thate? What's your decisiongoing to be half verges the villion? Nothing! There ain't, no half measures.You know you don't Giv any bol ideas result as nail: IT'S AUDIOS! It's nail,you know, can you fate to say athing and do the group therapy t thing andstay sober for eleven, Twelve fifteen? Twenty thirty years, absolutely justdon't be looking to be rocking in the Fort Tomention of existence. Don't be likng. Just live a life ofyou'll, just you knon't Ov me you'll, just be let try alcoholic whatever that entailsin various stages of STOFK you'll get. You might evven experience a few of thepromises you never know so one of the things what these stepsare all about the whole point of the steps. If you read the fit step, thewhole point is to help you develop a relationship with God. That's the wholepoint of the staffs you an get through the steps you havedevoteet. Unless you' God, you misse something you missed the deal. That'sthe whole thing you know so so what is? What are wetalking about with that Stepin? What are we talking about Whit step forstepnay comes out of stepstep for you Whenh your crazy, pathetic mind. Youknow, I'm not talking about you, you guys hink. I understand you're G, youguys are like the Mensa of alcoholics ynonymous. This is like this. I'm liketalking to the brain trust about pots, anonymous God, forgid, okay, the brain trustabout poks and Onis, but anythin you know, listen! So the FORSTEP! You doyour best to follow instructions, God forbid, follow directions and you writedown all this stuff about yourself. You know you right it all down. It lookslike you did something good, you get a little relief from it and then you takeit to some other person who's going to look at it objectively and tell youstuff about tell you hey. I think you miss this. I think they're going togive you like a new perspective, a new perspective and then ultimately you'regoing to do that. Well, hopefully, youyou'll do a little. Six of you know.Six and seven. Of course we talked about that. That's going to be repeatedfor a lifetime and then, what's going to happen, is you're going to then beable to use that for step and you're going to write things, you're goingtoyou're going to have some idea. Some idea, you're gonna, have to excusemy language. I'm sorry, you know you just wriht New York or something thatyou're Goingta have some idea. What an asswhole you are accent you're, going to have some clue,you're going to have a different perspective, you're going to go fromfeeling like a victim like you've, been...

...a victim to sayng things like. I can'tbelieve anybody hung around me. I'm such an idiot. You know I heard so manyyou're going to start, but even even then. Let me just tell you this. Eventhen you're not going to really get the full picture. You understand that D,don't you! You know you're Gonno Gon, to get the foe, but you're goingto geta partial, vinture you're, going to get a partal picture good enough, so you'llbe able to write down some names of people that you're you'll be able towrite down. Like you know like for me, my wife, my first wife you'll be right.Abile to write things like you know: Wife, parents, boss, you'll, be able towrite that stuff down and you'll. Be Able you'll be able to write all thatstuff down who you own a Mene to and here's the great part he's the greatpart. You will even have some Clu as to why you owe them in Amense, which isvery good, because when you go uck to somebody- and you say somebody t you've really injured andyou say: Listen, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I hurt you or something likethat. It really you really digging a bigger you're digging a bigger holebecause they don't want to hear. I'm sorry because you've been saying, I'msorry because Ius such a sorry, son of a bitch anyway, you've been saying, I'msorry all your life and what that means to you is you know when I went up tosomebody and I'd Sayn, I'm sorry and if they didn't immediately say okay,I forgive you I get. I say what Thal, what that? Listen! If you hurt me, I'mpissed off wit you for ten years. You know what I mean, you know forget it. Iain't, never FORGIV, you know, but, but if I, if I slice somebody else, I huartthem and I say I'm sorry that and they don't forgive me immediately. I saywhat the Hell's wrong with you. I said I was sorry because what my sorry manwas not that I did anything wrong, it meant I'm sorry, I feel guilty. Youhave to forgive me so I'll feel. Okay, it was a selfish self. Even my sorrieswere selfish. It was designed to get you to forgive me, so I could go outand hore around and rape around and beat you up and rob you some more. Youknow what I mean. That was my I'm sorry. I had to say the people listen. I was a lousy husband and I walked outit you and I on you and I should stadum, I had to say the real deal. What kindof person I was! I really had to confess I had to do the confessionthing: That's what it's all about and that's what the tent step and that'swhat it's all I had to do that deal. I had to write down that list. I had todo that and do it al over and oover and over again, oh man for how many yearswell, I don't want to get into the ten step, because I'll runten step for you,but we'll talk about the ten step and restrain of tongue and pen and stuff,like that. Yes, so and that's where your a steplist comes from attomes Om,your forcstep and you fiss step and all that sort of stuff and as you you kdon',listen this line in the sermon on the mound by the way the summer amountBethew, five, six and seven. If you e Docthe, Bobom, Tho, good old timers, itsays right there. It says the books that we found absolutely essential:absoute sens, wo, Wer, first minthing, thirteen sermon on the mount and theBuk of James. You understand that other words, the old timers our literard saysthe books they found absolutely essential, was first committin thirteensermon on the Mount in the book of James and by the way in the big book itsays, really have we seen a P person fail? Who has thoroughly followed ourpath? It doesn't say half as Fallter Path. It says thoroughly father path,Beer Path was to study and find the book sturted the Books First Qit hencsthirteen, the book of James and Sermon on the Mount You unstand Wan, sayingthat's what they did, that's what they did when they were the big book. Okay,you ain't doing that. You Ain't doing this thing theraply. As far as I haveto say now, that's going to piss somebody off. I don't give a shit. Youknow what I mean you looking up in the book. If it's does it say reallyhi've't seen FRIS Fallis serly fo e bath. Yes, you read doct about me goodOll time does 't say these are the books we found absolutely ecentral forthe first four years. It says that you...

...figure it out, of course, you'Ralcoholics, so you'll look for the loopholes, you'll figure out how youdon't have to do it because there's a pendix do or some other bullshit likethat. This is a. This is a fellowship where we separate the men from the boysthere's no problem. There are people that are to be men and there are peoplegoing to be boys. There are people going to be women and people ar e goingto be girls. There are some people that are going to do this thing. The wayit's supposed to be done and they'r going to reac the benefits and there'ssome people that just Gountudo it half fast they're, going to do what theywant to do anyway. It's okay, that's the way it's going to be, but don't letdon't ever tell anybody that nobody ever told you this shit I'll, tell youinother words you're, not in a position anymore to say you are never told yea Y,you can't say twenty years from now. Well, nobody ever told me that itsallofthose p one jerk. That was one crazy guy. You know, but he was kind of weird.You know that Russell Guy e had his. It was kind of strange. I didn't wantanything yet so that's the deal so in any event, I'm just trying. I think I'mdone.

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