AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 8 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 8 from the Coral Room Zoom February 19, 2021  

But the South Dixie group have film necessary of drink since January twenty one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. Great to be here. I'm here to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable. So let's sit back and have a good time. I promise you. At some point during this deal I'm going to tie in the eighth step. Usually it's about the last three minutes. Don't worry about it, it's all going to be under control. I think I would warn you. I want to let you know this. The other day my wife stood in front of the TV set. You know my wife, she's an Alan on. Our ladies are perpetual revenge. She stood in front of the TV set, put put her hand while I'm watching TV, put her hands on her hips. Let cydy, I want to get a picture of this. Puts her hands on her hips, blocking the TV and says hello, hello, you never listen to anything I say. So I'm sitting there thinking what a strange way to start a conversation. You understand what I'm saying. It's like crazy. And she says to me. She says, Paul, you're laughing. You don't know what it's like. She says to me. I want you to be tested for sinility. It has something to do with my not hearing her when she's talking to me, or my not noticing things that are actually going on in the planet. Now let me explain something to you, and I don't know what you think of emotional sobrieties. You know, that's the next frontier. According to Bill Wilson, emotional sobriety are real problems. Is these unhealthy dependencies, you know, unhealthy depends, hees, like worrying about our wives moods and things like that. You know, underhealthy dependencies or in too much get to codependence or something, or cars and stuff. But but listen, you know how it says in the big book you'll be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. You'll experience much of heaven, you know, I would says that part you fight no one or nothing. You feel protected, you're put on some mountain top somewhere and you lose fear of people and of economic insecurity, your reborn. You know all that stuff they say that people want to attain. Now here's the problem in my mind. Now this is just my opinion, mind you, if you ever get to that point where you lose fear people in Economic and security, that you stop fighting everybody, that you're rocking the fourth dimension of existence. Let me warn you. If you're married to your wife, it looks like sinility. You understand what I'm saying. It looks like sinility because you just sort of like, don't move off the couch and you're staring at the walls and they think there's something. So I actually had to go down and get tested. I got tested, I really did. I've took the doctor and I got tested. I first I had to get tested for my ears, tested because she was convinced I was deaf because apparently I wasn't, I wasn't hearing her or listening to what was actually going going on in the house. And I got tested and and I'm not deaf and and then I got tested for the similarity and the doctor said, no, he's not seen now and you know. So, so that's the deal. So she's a little bit upset with me about that deal and she thought she had me there and actually what the doctor said to her and she crosses Dr Felicious. I think he is operating on a lower level at this point. I think he's at genius love or something like that, and she didn't like that at all. She did it's being sarcastic or something. Now here's here's I want to just now. I don't have look nothing up my hands, nothing up my sleeves, I got nothing. I got no books, I got nothing. This is all from memory and from doing this thing for a long time. So I want to sort of say something to which is out of the big book. I want you to listen to just check this out. You probably heard it before. Selfishness, self centeredness. Anybody here this thing before? Selfishness,...

...selfcentered is. That's the root of our trouble, if you're not selfishness and selfcentereds. That's the root of her trouble, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion and selfseeking. Fear something we step on the toes of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation, but we learn that we've take made decisions in the past based upon self, for selfishness with puts us in a position to be hurt. So now alcoholic is self will arn riot, though we usually does and things. So has anybody ever heard that before? I got to repeat I got to repeat this again. Selfishness, and I want you to listen to every word, because you know. My sponsor, by the way, explain to me what this meant, and I still do not. Selfishness, self centeredness, drip, that is the root of our trouble. You want to know what your problem is? Selfishness, self centeredness, is the root of our trouble. Driven, driven. All these words have a meaning by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, selfdelusion, and alcoholic life seems the only normal one, seems the only normal one. He can't separate the truth from the false. To him, is alcoholic life seems normal. Selfishness, self centeredness, driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, selfseeking. We step on the tones of others and they retaliate, seemingly without provocation. But we learned that we've made decisions based upon self, which puts us in a position to be heard. So now alcoholic is is self will run riot, whatever the hell that means, though he usually doesn't think so. After many years, I asked my sponsor, what does that you know? What do they actually mean? He says what they mean is they you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself and which I thought, quite frankly, was a little harsh and a little fanatical. You know what I mean, and I explain. Obviously he didn't understand me, you know, because I was it wasn't that bad, it wasn't that bad. A deal with me. So do you think? Now, let me ask you. This question is like a rhetorical question. That means you don't have to answer, but just think about do you think it's possible to hear that statement? How many times? Do you think that statement, selfishness, self center, is wht is talked about in a room? You know I mean. Do you think it's possible to hear that statement? Selfishness, self center is that, we think, is the root of our trouble, driven by a hundred forms of for your self, delusion, self secret. So do you think it's possibly hear that statement a hundred times and not have any idea what the hell they're talking about? You think that's hot. Do you think it's possibly five years sober and not had any idea truly as to what that means? You think it's possibly ten years sober and to sort of having an idea of what that means, because you've done the steps, but you really have not plumb that sucker to in depth. You know, you might even think you're sort of over it. You know what I mean? That's yeah, well, I mean how many people? I mean, you know what? You know? My Grandmother said to me once, and my grandmother was the only person in my life that's really loved me. She said to me, said Russell, she said, Yussle, you're basically a you're basically a good boy. You have a good heart. You know what I mean. See, that's I'm listen. I think my grant, I'm not grandmother who loved me. She's the only one who actually knew me. I agree with my grandmother. I think I'm basically a good boy. You understands. I think I'm basically a good but I think you people are basically good people. You know I mean. I had some bad breaks and misunderstandings and some difficult situations come up, and you know I had this problem with the booze, but I mean basically, I don't think of myself as a selfish person. I don't think of myself as selfish, I think that's a little extreme, or self center. I don't think myself as delusional, as a matter of fact,...

I'm extremely smart. I mean, if there's one thing I know about me is I'm the smartest guy in the room. I graduate, graduate with Department of the liners in mathematics, going for my PhD and House a great topology. That's what's going to be decided. Go to law school, came with division chief, you know, National Science Foundation. Felt I am not a stupid guy, you know what, I'm pretty I don't think I'm delusional. I understand what's going on. Hey, let me tell you something else. I came into a a when I was thirty one years old. Before I came to a I of course I had graduated high school, Graduated College, graduate, Post Grad, got married, had a baby. What a house. Became a division chief in the state's Attorney's office. became one of the top guys there. was trying all the murder cases and everything in the office in Miami Dade County, which was one of the largest prostitution officers, and said during hey, during the bike you remember Miami Vice, in the Miami Vice dates where they were finding bodies all over. I was trying murder to that's what I was doing, you know. So explain to you. I for thirty one years I lived a successful life, what I thought was a successful life, which looked at I got married, I had sex, I went out with women, I had cars, I had money, I had degrees, I did the whole thing, and nothing in my life had anything to do with God. And I can promise you that I so a bear. So what I'm telling you is I absolutely know, without any question that I do not need God to be successful. I need God to be married, I need God to have babies. I don't need God to go out with women and wine and diamond I need God to get a job. I don't need God to win a murder case, I need God to get an I don't need God for anything. Plus, I want to tell you something else. I have a lot of friends who were very, very, very successful professional lawyers, doctors, police officers, detectives, and you know something, they didn't need God either. You know, most of the people I didn't hang around people who need God is they lived there in some church somewhere. So in my mind it's perfectly possible to live a successful life without God, except for this one small so so basically, I'm basically a good boy. It I have basically a good heart. I'm not selfish, I'm not self centered, I'm not delusional, but, unfortunately for me, because a bad rates and misunderstandings and stuff that you would never understand because you don't know what it's like. You know what I mean. You haven't suffered like I've suffered at the hands of people that are unfair. I developed this terrible habit as far as the drinking was concerned. You understand what I'm saying. I couldn't stop drinking. I could not stop drinking, and it got so bad, so bad that on December twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, at three o'clock in the morning, I turned on a TV set after living in my bachelor pad, because I had left my wife and child. I had abandoned them. I left them. I I if you would have asked me why, you're well, first of all, my wife told me that if I didn't stop drinking, she was going to leave me, and that was a lie, because she didn't leave me, she just kicked me out of the House and, and you know I mean she made that you know, and we were obviously grown in different directions. She didn't understand me. I understand her and, besides, you know she I mean, I loved it when I married, of but you know, I just really wasn't getting much out of the relationship and and there were some girls I wanted to go out with and stuff like that. So so. But by that time...

I was I had I got divorce, you see, and I'm living in my house and and at three o'clock in the morning, after being kicked out of a party because I was drunk, I find myself on my knees asking God to come to my math life. I can't even explain that deal. But I was thirty one years old. I thought my life was over. It was never going to get better again. It had nothing to do, nothing to do with selfishness, it had nothing to do with self centeredness, it had nothing to do with being delusional. I was suicidal. I wasn't delusional. It's a difference. I thought my life was over. Who's never going to get better again? And I was. I was. I was at the jumping off place they talked about in the book, you know, and so and all I know is, thirty days later, you know, I mean, I gave my life to God. I gave my life to Jesus. And I'm a Jewish gift from New York and I gave my life to Jesus because the preachers on TV said if I did that it would be okay. Gave my life to Jesus has to come. I was about a sears. I was about a sincere as you could possibly be. They say, don't Robin Alcohol of his last thing drink. Don't rob an alcohol of his desperation. I was so desperate. Let me take I was so sincere about Jesus coming to my life because, let me tell you something, I'm just lucky that Harry Chrishners didn't show up, because I'd be at the airport right now with the tambourine. You understand what I'm saying. But the bottom line is, you know what showed up was this preacher and he told me get down on my knees and say the center's prayer, and I did it and I like to be able to tell you I stopped drinking. You know, three rabbis and a priest came by with some Duncan doughnuts. Say We got an a meeting going on here. That's not what happened. I continue to drink down to a big car accident, almost killed myself and thirty days later I found I had my last drink and I found myself in alcoholics anonymous. That's the that's the more. Almost that's the end of my story. Okay, and I stopped drinking. I'm a white chip wonder stop drinking, having out of drinking forty years. So, so here's the deal. So I start working these steps. Now, apparently, now, I don't understand this stuff at all. Apparently what happens is, if you work these steps rigorously with a sponsor over a period of time, time, a lot of time. What happens? As you start learning to live a different type of life, a different you know, there's an alcoholic life and there's a non alcoholic life. Now, now an alcohol when you're in an alcoholic life, you say things like. You say things like this. I can still I can still imitate an alcoholic. I can imitate you. I can do it. Okay, here's alcoholics say things like they don't know who they're fucking around with. They don't know who they they say things like. They say things like this, do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? They say things like what's your name? I want your full name and what's your bosses? They say things like why is this shit always happening to me? They say I can never catch a break. They say things like this, my life sucks, or they say things like this, I'm having a bad day, I'm having a bad week, I'm having a bad year. You know, why don't I ever get a break? Why is everybody always screwing you? I mean, they say, if you're living in an alcoholic life, you have these you say these lines. There's a lot of what you say, things like I don't give a shit what they think about they got don't care what they think about me screwing you know. You say that you seem sometimes to be sort of mad and upset and upset of all and stuff like that. Now I know I'm talking to you guys. You guys probably don't really understand what I'm talking about, because I could tell you're like at a higher level of alcoholism than I am. But I have a serious let me tell you something. I'm a chronic alcohol I have a serious type of alcoholism. I don't have the milder form, you know. So. So during the day I was some I was the sum total of...

...every asshole I ran into, and everybody I ran into was an asshole. I used to think that I had a machine gun mounted on my car where I was just killing families of listen, if, if I would kill, I would murder people. I probably murdered fifty people a day. I was a prosecutor and in my mind I'm killing people, people that are getting in my way, you know, people that are driving too slow, you know, just blowing them up. Kill with people that are just not doing what I want them to do, stupid people, you know what I mean. And and I'm murdering people, and I when I murder you, I don't just shoot you, no, I don't just I just I dip you in molten lead and then I dust you off, I bring you back to life and then I dip you again. You know what I mean. There Ain't no probation where I come from. Now, and now here's the crazy part. It's crazy now that I think about it. That's the way I thought about life. I was always mad at somebody, angry at somebody, Russian the go somewhere, pissed off, upsetable and everything like that. Here's the crazy part. That's my alcoholic life. That and that's my alcoholic life sober. Listen, when I was drinking I was okay. Let me try to put this with. When I was sober, I was crazy. When I was drinking, I was fine this, I don't know that makes any sense. I'm trying to explain it to you this way. I didn't have a drinking problem. Drinking was the solution to my problem. I had a problem with something called sobriety. Okay, I couldn't handle sober. Sober to me, was shitty. Okay, drinking drunk was okay. So that was my deal. So apparently now, now, I didn't realize that there was something wrong with this, and I want to tell you something. Hung around a lot of guys that apparently felt the same way I did, because those are the guys I hung with. I've always hung with alcoholics. Even today, I hang with alcoholics. You know, you, you guy, would be like exhibit one. You know, if I was in tribbly, the exhibit one. Alcoholics hang without coholics. They seem to be the only people that understand me in this crazy world. So so here's the deal. So I'm so. So here's here's the situation. So after over period of time, if you work these steps, what happens is they slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, get you to ease into a different type of life. You know, if anybody would say to me, if I meant anybody in that you see, when you're insane, when you're an alcoholic and you're insane, and I know I'm insane, because the second step is you come to believe that there's a power that will restore you to sanity. And you can't be restored to sanity unless you're insane. So when you're insane and you don't know you're insane, and when you're upsetable and you don't know you're upsetable and you don't know any other way of doing it, and somebody tells you that you're upsetable, you say to them something like this. Well, if it happened to you, you'd feel the same way. That's what you say. You said, well, sure, if it happened to you, if he bounced to check on you, but then all of a sudden a you run into people will call them old timers or just sober people, and they have bad things happened to them and they don't react the same way. They don't get mad, they don't get upset, they don't say I'll show you, they don't get pissed off. Okay, they act like calm, like seeing they act. They're like senile. Now, when an alcoholic that's insane meets meets a and old timer, somebody that's sober, to an alcoholic, the oldtimer seems crazy. You understand when you're insane and you runner somebody who's saying the same person looks crazy. So so our way of life now as sober alcoholics, to an alcohol looks crazy. So here's the deal. So I'm sitting there and I'm coming to day A and over a period of time,...

...three years, four years, five years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty. What happens is it eases you to a form of life which demand's rigorous honesty. Have you read in the book? You know it's I we probably read it today. It says it says, it said something like rarely I've seen prison was follows fall these steps. Those who do not recover, as those who cannot or will not completely give themselves a simple program which demands rigorous honesty. So you end the program which demands rivers honesty, which means we start getting honest with ourselves. When you start getting honest with yourself and when you start when, over a period of ten or twenty years, you go through something called repeated humiliations and the final question of our self sufficiency? And this is the way it looks like. Do you remember when you first came in day a, how you were crushed by I mean, I don't know anything about your bottoms, but when I came to day a, I was crushed. I thought my life was over. Remember when your life was so bad, when things got so bad, so bad that you actually went to Aa? Does anybody remember that? I'm not the only guy. Is that it? I'm CASSANDRA. Am I the only guy? I remembosition. Remember when things got so bad that you even went to out alcohol? I mean, let me tell you something. If you're an alcoholic, things got to get really bad for you good a A. Now, it's true, you can get a prematurely, like a judge could order you and a a, or you could absolutely find yourself an a, but you're not going to stay there for a long time period of time because you're but but there is a point in time, if you're lucky, if your fortune, if you're blessed, where things get so bad that you go to Aa. Now, let me, let me, let me tell you a little secret for New People, that sort of pattern where things get so bad that you do something crazy, like God ay. That pattern doesn't stop, that goes on for a good thirty or forty years. You know what I mean, where things get so bad that you stop cheating on your wife, where things get so bad that you stop stealing money with things get so bad that you you know what happens is you get this thing called repeat humiliation, because you want to see, because in my way of life, doing things like doing things selfishly and self centeredly and living the old way of life is natural to me. I do not have to go to meetings to be an asshole. I just I don't. I don't have to go to meetings to think only about myself. All I care about all it's like my sponsor said, you don't care about anybody except yourself. You don't give a shit. You know what I mean? Let me tell you something. That attitude that, when it comes rack down to it, the only person I care about is me. I don't have to go to any meetings. For that, I don't have to call up a sponsor. For that, I don't need an a sponsors. Say Hey, screwm all, you only care about I. that's listen. That is my natural state of listen. Here's the problem. My Grandmother, Nana Ethel, she was incorrect. She was mistaken about me. She was not right. I mean she was a grandmother and she loved me, you know. I mean how granny's love. You know that they love them, you know, and they everybody needs to have a grandmother like my Nana. But he's she was wrong when she said you're basically a good boy. I am not basically a good boy. Listen, there are people on the planet earth, you might even know him, that are kind, that are generous, that go out of the way and do things for people and don't expect anything to return, that don't that don't take things personally, that don't hold grudges, that want to just help other people, that love other people and that are grateful and they don't go to any means. Or are people like that. And then there are people who are the opposite, the opposite...

...of those people. That would be me. I would be the opposite person. Do you understand? Am I making any sense? I'm like, I'm the opposite of that. Okay, so let me, let me, let me say, let me explain this to you. So I get me, I say to myself. One day, I used to say this all the time. You ever wake up and say, if I only had this, I'd be okay. Anybody ever say this? Hey validate me. Why, even if you haven't, anybody, Raser, have you ever said, oh, man, if I only, if I only was making more money, I'd be okay. If I only had a different boss, I'd be okay. Oh, if I can only marry that guy, if I only marry that girl, I'd be okay. If I was only married, be okay. If I was only divorce, I'd be okay. If I only had a cary, be okay. If only out of Massarati, I'd be okay. If I only can lose fifty pounds, I'd be Oh, I cannot. Are you, and if onlier any yes, butter, are you? Are you somebody that is just waiting to be a superstar as long as you get this, and then you get this and then it's all shit and then you got to get something else. and Are you one of those people that spend money? You don't have to buy shit, you don't need to impress people. You don't like it because somehow, when you spend something and you do something, that makes you feel better, and then you got to do it again or you want to these people that got to talk bad shit about people behind their back, because somehow it makes you feel good to talk bad about other people, especially of people agree with me. Are you? Are you crazy like me? Are you got that thing going on? You know? So, so here's the deal. Apparently, one day I walked into a class at the universe Miami and I saw this Gal. She was a cheerleader, x cheerleader. Her father was a doctor, mother was Laura, and she had legs up to here, and I said to myself, as I often said, if I only had that woman, I'd be okay. And so I turned on the charm because let me explain something to you. Don't look at me the way I am right now. I mean you got to imagine me like like a hundred and twenty pounds lighter. You know what I'm talking about. You got to imagine me like it. You know, twenty five years old, a hundred, twenty pounds lider. So like Magnum Pi, you know, everything like I got the photos, don't worry, and every like that. I could turn on the charm. Let me tell you something. I I was allounge Lizard from the let me tell you some I wanted what she had and I was willing to go to any length to get it. And I could turn on the charm. I could get a job, I could get a woman, I could do whatever I wanted to do if I wanted to get it. And God help you if you're the target of an alcoholic male who's like me, you know, like me. And so I can turn on the charm. I could be intelligent, I could be felt funny once in a while. I'm even funny today, you know what I mean. I could be humorous, I could be charming, you know, like couple, and everything like that. I can do the act, I could play the game. I am the actor on the stage. Okay, and that's the only I said. If I only had this woman, I'd be okay. And guess what? I wind her. I dined here, I wanted I told her father, who was a doctor, mother was a lawyer, that I was going to become a lawyer. So I switched my my degrees, become a Lauria. I became a Laura, become the vision chief the states turns office. I married that Gal. We had a baby, got a beautiful as some Mindy beach on the golf course and I'm like that. I had a great job and then around five years, five years in the marriage, I just got, you know, sort of tired. She I don't know. I was going out drinking all night and she was staying home with the baby and I was looking at all these girls on the dance floor and I said to myself, man, if I can only have, if I can only have one of those, I'd be okay. I never physically cheated on my wife. Never physically cheated on my wife because I'm, as Nana says, basically a good boy. I knew that would be wrong, but I sure thought about it and I'd stay up till three, four o'clock in the morning and come home and I cheat on her. And I think when you, I think when you are in a bar at four o'clock in the morning, your wife is home with a baby and you watching women on the dance floor and you're saying yourself. I only could have that, Gal, I'd be okay. I think it's like close to cheating on your wife. What do you think, Cindy? What do...

...you think? Is that true? Do you think that's close to infidelity? I think it's. I think it is absolutely thank you. I was asking your pay. I was honestly interested in your opinion. Okay, so, so, because I can't get it right. Opinion from the guys. They don't think that's such a big deal. So in any event, so I basically drank myself to the point where my wife keep me out of house and then I got a divorce. Before I got a divorce, I went to the and I after her and I told myself, because because I'm a rationalizer, I tell myself rational lies, which is something to do, by the way, with being delusional. That some do with deluge. It have has some do with, you know, your alcoholic life seems the only normal one. Has Something to do where you can't recognize truth from false. Has Some do with a dishonest life for his an honest life. I told myself that the reason I was getting to divorces. We were grown into different directions. We got married too young. She didn't understand me, I didn't understand her. But here's the truth we got after twenty years and alcoholics, anonymous work in this program. Here's the truth. I got a divorce because I wanted to go out and get laid by other women. Now, that doesn't give me a great deal of pleasure to say that and I'm not bragging about it. And you know, there are actually people on here that Mike Say Themselves, maybe women, that guy is a total freaking selfish asshole, not capable of me, and you would be right. But I want to explain to you why my grandma was wrong when she said you're basically a good boy, because, when it comes right down to it, all that other stuff that I did in my life, you know, getting a job, getting a girl, getting money, all that stuff was just play acting. If you really want to know who I am at my core, you understand that I don't give a shit of anything, buddy, except myself in my own pleasure. So then, after I get a divorce, I have what's called visitation with my son. I don't know how many people with divorce here I had visited and I had a beautiful son and he's not like forty eight or something, I don't even know, and he's got a couple of I got two or two grandkids with him and my son. I promised them I would take him to the zoo and for two weeks he was waiting for me and take him to the zoo on a Saturday. I had tickets and everything. And on Saturday morning, at eight o'clock in the morning, I got a phone call from Sally. You guys know Sally, you know Sally. That was her name, Sally, I remember, and she said, Russell, me and the girls are going out on the boat. Would you like to come? So I'm thinking boat Sally Booze Sex son, Boat Sally Booze Sex son. I struggled with that for ten seconds. You know what I mean, the die. There was a little bit of a struggle for ten seconds and then it was anchor's away and I left to go with Sally and I never called my son. So now my son, who's five or six years old, is sitting there waiting for his dad and he never gets a phone call. And I'm saying to myself he'll be happier with his mother. Who wouldn't be happy with me anyway. I just wanted to tell you that story in case there was some crazy person here that that actually still like me. You understand what I'm saying? I I wanted to make sure you understood what a selfish son of a bitch, asshole I was. Now let me explain something to you. When I made that decision to go out with Sally and leave my son, I was as sober as I am right now. Do you understand what I'm saying? I was as sober as I am right now. You know why I did that? I did that because at my core,...

...at my core, my core, I am a selfish person. I don't give a shit about it anybody except myself, and that's who I am as an alcohol now you may think that makes me feel bad. The greatest thing in the world's to know thyself, you know. And First Corinthians Thirteam, which was the book that they said where it was absolutely essential they studying before the big book, the first four years. One of the lines is we see through a glass darkly, were delusional, but soon all would be revealed. The one thing that happens to you, if you really worth this problem of alcoholics, anonymous, is you get to see yourself as you really are. And the great thing about seeing yourself as you really are and who you are and what you are is because the first step in getting out of jail is knowing you're in jail in the first place. And you can't possibly be motivated to get out of jail or know you're a jail the first place, and so you realize what a worthless piece of crappy I mean, listen, you're not telling you something you don't know, because us all, alcoholics, are out to destroy themselves up. So what's commentator said? Because we're all we're all where. We all basically, deep down inside, be believe we are worthless. We are worthless. Why do you think, when you're driving in the car or showering, why do you think you tell yourself you're a piece of shit? You want to tell yourself. Why do you think you tell yourself you're a loser? Why do you think you get those voices that come in from seemingly nowhere, telling yourself what the heck? Why do I even try? My life has sucks, I might as well forget it. I might as well do why do you think? Where do you think those voices come from, if it doesn't come from deep down inside of you where you have the capacity to understand. I say to my sponsor, I feel guilty since because you are guilty. You know it's not because the world has it out for you. You have it out for you. I have it out for me because nobody knows what a selfish trick I am. And then me, and that is let me take something. That's the real alcoholism. You can stop drinking, but you can't stop that Shit. You can't stop that Shit. You can't stop that stuff. That's why you worry what they're going to think about you all the time. That's why you want to be except, why you're such an accept please accept me. I love a haulic. Please accept me, a Haulan. All that bullshit. That's why you have such a crummy life. You know why you're so upsetable? Because of those stalls, because you're selfish and yourself centered and you're driven to that, driven buy a hundred forms of fear. What are they going to think about me? What am I going to do? What's going to happen? Selfdelusion, self seeking, what you step and it caused you to make actions and send emails and do stupid Shit where you hurt other people and then they retaliate, seeming to do out provocation. And the problem is is because you've made these decisions based upon yourselfishness, put you in a position to be hurt. And here's the crazy and yourself forward riot. You can't help yourself, you can't stop yourself, nobody can stop you. And here's the real said part. But you usually don't think so. You're like me. You think you're basically a good girl, you think you're basically a good boy, you think it's not that bad. You're not really selfish. Above everything, you must get rid of this selfishness. We must start kills us. God makes that possible, but God ain't going to make that possible unless you want him to remove it from you, unless you take the actions. This whole thing, all these steps, is a step. You know the last line in the book, the last paragraph of the book, that says see to what your relationship with him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. You know it says. It says if you want to be rocked in the fourth dimension of existence, if you want to experience life of happiness, peace and happiness. The great facts is this, and nothing less. Make God the central factor your life. Become convinced that he lives in your heart and mind and way, which is deep miraculous. He's going to do for you what you can't do for yourself. He's already started, it says, once you make that decision, for God, all us is remarkable. Things happened. Being all powerful give you everything you need if you...

...stay close to him. Performers work well. You got to be close to reformers work well. You know, he does want to hang out with you while you're out there doing crazy shit. He wants to hang out with people that want him, that need him. You know what I mean. Ain't going to chase you around the block. You know what I mean. What does it say? We're on a new basis, the base of trusting and relying upon God. We never apologize for God. All that of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God and said we let him demonstrate in our lives what he would have us be at once we outgrow fear and it's all about God above everything, we must get rid of the subfistions and must kills us God makes that possible. Your real reliance wants to be on him. He'll even show you how to great the fellows. You be creat you want to know who you are and what you are. You, you, you, you watch who you hang out with, who you're listening to? Are you listening to the AA group therapists? Is that what you go you go to these group therapy meanings where very vomits on the table about all their problems and they say, okay, don't drink God means, you'll be okay. Is that what you listen to? And you don't? You're uncomfortable with the God are you uncomfortable with the God thing? Of course you're uncomfortable with the God thing. That's what it says in chapter the agnostics. You're uncomfortable with the God things. You can't handle the God thing. If a mere code of morals, a better philosophy with life, would have helped, do you do it a long time ago, but didn't help us. That way. We have to talk about God. You know what they say about the God thing? They say the atheist thing, the agnosted things, is this sort of thing have to be abandoned. God either is or isn't. What's your decision une what's your decision going to be? Half measures of ailie nothing. There ain't no half measures. You know. You don't get rid of the old ideas. Results as nil. It's obdios, it's nail. You know. Can you faith this a a thing and do the group therapy thing and stay sober for eleven, twelve, Fifteen, twenty thirty years? Absolutely, just don't be looking to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. Don't be like just live a life of you'll just be you know it'll be. You'll just be a dry alcoholic, whatever that entails in various stages of stock you'll get. You might even experienced a few of the promises. You never know. So one of the thing what these steps are all about. The whole point of the steps, if you read the fifth step, the whole point is to help you develop a relationship with God. That's the whole point of the steps. You get through the steps, you have to devote the relationship God. You've missed something. You missed the deal. That's the whole thing. You know. So so what is what are we talking about with that step a? What are we talking about? Step for step made comes out of step. Step for is you with you're crazy, pathetic mind. You know, I'm not talking about you. You guys, I understand you were. You guys are like the Mensa of alcoholics, anonymous. This is like this. I'm like talking to the brain trust of alcoholics, anonymous, God forbid. Okay, the brain trust of alcoholics, and not of us, but anything, you know. Listen. So the four step. You do your best to follow instructions, God forbid, file directions, and you write down all this stuff about yourself. You know, you're write it all down, it looks like you did some good, you get a little relief from it, and then you take it to some other person who's going to look at it objectively and and tell you stuff about tell you, hey, I think you miss this. I think they're going to give you like a new perspective, a new perspective, and then, ultimately you're going to do that. Well, hopefully you'll do a little six, and you know six and seven, of course, we talked about that. That's going to be repeated for a lifetime. And then what's going to happen is you're going to then be able to use that fourth step and you're going to write things. You're going to you're going to have some idea, some idea. You're gonna have to excuse my language, I'm sorry. You know, you just write New York or something that you're going to have some idea of what an assholl you are. That's it. You're going to have some clue. You're going to have a different perspective. You're going to go from feeling like a victim, like you've been a victim, to saying things...

...like I can't believe anybody hung around me. I'm such an idiot. You know, I hurt so many. You're going to start, but even even then, let me just tell you this, even then you're not going to really get the full picture. You understand that, do you don't you? You know you're gonna going to get the full but you're going to get a partial picture. You're going to get a partial picture, good enough. So you'll be able to write down some names of people that you want. You'll be able to write down like you know, like for me, my wife, my first wife. You'll be right able to write things like, you know, wife, parents, boss. You'll be able to write that stuff down and you'll be able to you'll be able to write all that stuff down. Who you own a men's do and here's the great part. He's the great part. You will even have some clue as to why you owe them and amends, which is very good, because when you go up to somebody and you say somebody you really enjoyed and you say, listen, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I hurt you, or something like that, it really you're really digging a bigger you're digging a bigger hole because they don't want to hear I'm sorry, because you've been saying I'm sorry, because there's such a sorry son of a bitch. Anyway, you've been saying I'm sorry all your life, and what that means to you is, you know, when I went up to somebody, I'd say it, I'm sorry, and if they didn't immediately say, okay, I forgive you, I get I say, what the Hell, what that? Listen, if you hurt me, I'm pissed off with you for ten years. You know what I mean. You know, forget it. I ain't never forget, you know, but but if I, if I slice somebody else, I heard them and I say I'm sorry they and they don't forgive me immediately. I see what the Hell's wrong with you. I said I was sorry, because what my sorry meant was not that I did anything wrong. It meant I'm sorry, I feel guilty. You have to forgive me so I'll feel okay. It was a selfish self even my sorrey's were selfish. It was designed to get you to forgive me so I could go out and whore around and rape around and beat you up and rob you some more. You know what I mean. That was my I'm sorry. I had to say the people listen. I was a lowsy husband and I walked out of you and I on you and I should stadium. I had to say the real deal what kind of person I was. I really had to confess. I had to do the confession thing. That's what it's all about and that's what the ten step and that's what it's all I had to do that deal. I had to write down that list. I had to do that and do it over and over and over again. Oh Man, for how many years? Well, I don't want to get into the tent step because I'll ruin the ten step for you, but we'll talk about the ten step and restrained of tongue and pain and stuff like that, because so and that's where you're a step list comes from. It comes from your fourth step and your fifth step and all that sort of stuff. And as you you know, listen this line in the sermon on the Mount, by the way, the summon a mount, Matthew, five, six and seven. If you read Doctor Bob, the good old timers, it says right there. It says the books that we found absolutely essential, absolute essential, or first smothian thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the book of James. You understand that? I don't know. It's the old timers are ly interest says the books they found absolutely essential was first corithian thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the book of James. And, by the way, in the big book it says really, have we seen a pay person fail who has thoroughly followed our path? It doesn't say half has followed our path. It says thoroughly followed their path. Their Path was to study and find the book, study the books, first Clynthians Thirteen, the book of James and sermon on them ount. You Unger stand and say that's what they did, that's what they did when they were the big book. Okay, you ain't doing that. You Ain't doing this thing thoroughly. As far as I have to say. Now that's going to piss somebody off. I don't give a shit. You know what I mean. You know, you look it up in the book. If it's does it say? Really, I haven't seen a person fail as certainly followed our bath. Yes, you read Dr Problem Good Old Times says it's Ay, these are the books we found absolutely essentral for the first four years. It says that you figure it...

...out. Of course, your alcoholics, so you'll look for the loopholes, you'll figure out how you don't have to do it because there's appendix to or some other bullshit like that. This is a this is a fellowship where we separate the men from the boys. There's no problem. There are people that are to be men and there are people going to be boys. They're people going to be women and people who going to be girls. There are some people that going to do this thing the way it's supposed to be done and they're going to reap the benefits, and there are some people just going to do it halfass. They're going to do what they want to do anyway. It's okay, that's the way it's going to be. But don't let don't ever tell anybody that nobody ever told you this shit. I'll tell you another words. You're not in a position anymore to say you were never told. Yeah, yeah, you can't say twenty years from now. Well, nobody ever told me that. It's all. But it was a one juror. That was a one crazy guy, you know, but he was kind of weird. You know, that Russell Guy? Yeah, it was kind of strange. I didn't want anything yet, so that's the deal. So, in any event, I don't know how much time I think I'm done.

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