AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 11 months ago

Russell S. Step 8 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 8 from the Coral Room Zoom February 19, 2021  

But the South Dixie group have filmnecessary of drink since January twenty one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. Greatto be here. I'm here to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.So let's sit back and have a good time. I promise you. Atsome point during this deal I'm going to tie in the eighth step. Usuallyit's about the last three minutes. Don't worry about it, it's all goingto be under control. I think I would warn you. I want tolet you know this. The other day my wife stood in front of theTV set. You know my wife, she's an Alan on. Our ladiesare perpetual revenge. She stood in front of the TV set, put puther hand while I'm watching TV, put her hands on her hips. Letcydy, I want to get a picture of this. Puts her hands onher hips, blocking the TV and says hello, hello, you never listento anything I say. So I'm sitting there thinking what a strange way tostart a conversation. You understand what I'm saying. It's like crazy. Andshe says to me. She says, Paul, you're laughing. You don'tknow what it's like. She says to me. I want you to betested for sinility. It has something to do with my not hearing her whenshe's talking to me, or my not noticing things that are actually going onin the planet. Now let me explain something to you, and I don'tknow what you think of emotional sobrieties. You know, that's the next frontier. According to Bill Wilson, emotional sobriety are real problems. Is these unhealthydependencies, you know, unhealthy depends, hees, like worrying about our wivesmoods and things like that. You know, underhealthy dependencies or in too much getto codependence or something, or cars and stuff. But but listen,you know how it says in the big book you'll be rocking in the fourthdimension of existence. You'll experience much of heaven, you know, I wouldsays that part you fight no one or nothing. You feel protected, you'reput on some mountain top somewhere and you lose fear of people and of economicinsecurity, your reborn. You know all that stuff they say that people wantto attain. Now here's the problem in my mind. Now this is justmy opinion, mind you, if you ever get to that point where youlose fear people in Economic and security, that you stop fighting everybody, thatyou're rocking the fourth dimension of existence. Let me warn you. If you'remarried to your wife, it looks like sinility. You understand what I'm saying. It looks like sinility because you just sort of like, don't move offthe couch and you're staring at the walls and they think there's something. SoI actually had to go down and get tested. I got tested, Ireally did. I've took the doctor and I got tested. I first Ihad to get tested for my ears, tested because she was convinced I wasdeaf because apparently I wasn't, I wasn't hearing her or listening to what wasactually going going on in the house. And I got tested and and I'mnot deaf and and then I got tested for the similarity and the doctor said, no, he's not seen now and you know. So, so that'sthe deal. So she's a little bit upset with me about that deal andshe thought she had me there and actually what the doctor said to her andshe crosses Dr Felicious. I think he is operating on a lower level atthis point. I think he's at genius love or something like that, andshe didn't like that at all. She did it's being sarcastic or something.Now here's here's I want to just now. I don't have look nothing up myhands, nothing up my sleeves, I got nothing. I got nobooks, I got nothing. This is all from memory and from doing thisthing for a long time. So I want to sort of say something towhich is out of the big book. I want you to listen to justcheck this out. You probably heard it before. Selfishness, self centeredness.Anybody here this thing before? Selfishness,...

...selfcentered is. That's the root ofour trouble, if you're not selfishness and selfcentereds. That's the root of hertrouble, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion and selfseeking.Fear something we step on the toes of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation, but we learn that we've take made decisions in the past based upon self, for selfishness with puts us in a position to be hurt. So nowalcoholic is self will arn riot, though we usually does and things. Sohas anybody ever heard that before? I got to repeat I got to repeatthis again. Selfishness, and I want you to listen to every word,because you know. My sponsor, by the way, explain to me whatthis meant, and I still do not. Selfishness, self centeredness, drip,that is the root of our trouble. You want to know what your problemis? Selfishness, self centeredness, is the root of our trouble.Driven, driven. All these words have a meaning by a hundred forms offear, selfdelusion, selfdelusion, and alcoholic life seems the only normal one,seems the only normal one. He can't separate the truth from the false.To him, is alcoholic life seems normal. Selfishness, self centeredness, driven bya hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, selfseeking. We step on the tonesof others and they retaliate, seemingly without provocation. But we learned thatwe've made decisions based upon self, which puts us in a position to beheard. So now alcoholic is is self will run riot, whatever the hellthat means, though he usually doesn't think so. After many years, Iasked my sponsor, what does that you know? What do they actually mean? He says what they mean is they you don't give a shit about anybodyexcept yourself and which I thought, quite frankly, was a little harsh anda little fanatical. You know what I mean, and I explain. Obviouslyhe didn't understand me, you know, because I was it wasn't that bad, it wasn't that bad. A deal with me. So do you think? Now, let me ask you. This question is like a rhetorical question. That means you don't have to answer, but just think about do you thinkit's possible to hear that statement? How many times? Do you thinkthat statement, selfishness, self center, is wht is talked about in aroom? You know I mean. Do you think it's possible to hear thatstatement? Selfishness, self center is that, we think, is the root ofour trouble, driven by a hundred forms of for your self, delusion, self secret. So do you think it's possibly hear that statement a hundredtimes and not have any idea what the hell they're talking about? You thinkthat's hot. Do you think it's possibly five years sober and not had anyidea truly as to what that means? You think it's possibly ten years soberand to sort of having an idea of what that means, because you've donethe steps, but you really have not plumb that sucker to in depth.You know, you might even think you're sort of over it. You knowwhat I mean? That's yeah, well, I mean how many people? Imean, you know what? You know? My Grandmother said to meonce, and my grandmother was the only person in my life that's really lovedme. She said to me, said Russell, she said, Yussle,you're basically a you're basically a good boy. You have a good heart. Youknow what I mean. See, that's I'm listen. I think mygrant, I'm not grandmother who loved me. She's the only one who actually knewme. I agree with my grandmother. I think I'm basically a good boy. You understands. I think I'm basically a good but I think youpeople are basically good people. You know I mean. I had some badbreaks and misunderstandings and some difficult situations come up, and you know I hadthis problem with the booze, but I mean basically, I don't think ofmyself as a selfish person. I don't think of myself as selfish, Ithink that's a little extreme, or self center. I don't think myself asdelusional, as a matter of fact,...

I'm extremely smart. I mean,if there's one thing I know about me is I'm the smartest guy in theroom. I graduate, graduate with Department of the liners in mathematics, goingfor my PhD and House a great topology. That's what's going to be decided.Go to law school, came with division chief, you know, NationalScience Foundation. Felt I am not a stupid guy, you know what,I'm pretty I don't think I'm delusional. I understand what's going on. Hey, let me tell you something else. I came into a a when Iwas thirty one years old. Before I came to a I of course Ihad graduated high school, Graduated College, graduate, Post Grad, got married, had a baby. What a house. Became a division chief in the state'sAttorney's office. became one of the top guys there. was trying allthe murder cases and everything in the office in Miami Dade County, which wasone of the largest prostitution officers, and said during hey, during the bikeyou remember Miami Vice, in the Miami Vice dates where they were finding bodiesall over. I was trying murder to that's what I was doing, youknow. So explain to you. I for thirty one years I lived asuccessful life, what I thought was a successful life, which looked at Igot married, I had sex, I went out with women, I hadcars, I had money, I had degrees, I did the whole thing, and nothing in my life had anything to do with God. And Ican promise you that I so a bear. So what I'm telling you is Iabsolutely know, without any question that I do not need God to besuccessful. I need God to be married, I need God to have babies.I don't need God to go out with women and wine and diamond Ineed God to get a job. I don't need God to win a murdercase, I need God to get an I don't need God for anything.Plus, I want to tell you something else. I have a lot offriends who were very, very, very successful professional lawyers, doctors, policeofficers, detectives, and you know something, they didn't need God either. Youknow, most of the people I didn't hang around people who need Godis they lived there in some church somewhere. So in my mind it's perfectly possibleto live a successful life without God, except for this one small so sobasically, I'm basically a good boy. It I have basically a good heart. I'm not selfish, I'm not self centered, I'm not delusional,but, unfortunately for me, because a bad rates and misunderstandings and stuff thatyou would never understand because you don't know what it's like. You know whatI mean. You haven't suffered like I've suffered at the hands of people thatare unfair. I developed this terrible habit as far as the drinking was concerned. You understand what I'm saying. I couldn't stop drinking. I could notstop drinking, and it got so bad, so bad that on December twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, at three o'clock in the morning,I turned on a TV set after living in my bachelor pad, becauseI had left my wife and child. I had abandoned them. I leftthem. I I if you would have asked me why, you're well,first of all, my wife told me that if I didn't stop drinking,she was going to leave me, and that was a lie, because shedidn't leave me, she just kicked me out of the House and, andyou know I mean she made that you know, and we were obviously grownin different directions. She didn't understand me. I understand her and, besides,you know she I mean, I loved it when I married, ofbut you know, I just really wasn't getting much out of the relationship andand there were some girls I wanted to go out with and stuff like that. So so. But by that time...

I was I had I got divorce, you see, and I'm living in my house and and at three o'clockin the morning, after being kicked out of a party because I was drunk, I find myself on my knees asking God to come to my math life. I can't even explain that deal. But I was thirty one years old. I thought my life was over. It was never going to get betteragain. It had nothing to do, nothing to do with selfishness, ithad nothing to do with self centeredness, it had nothing to do with beingdelusional. I was suicidal. I wasn't delusional. It's a difference. Ithought my life was over. Who's never going to get better again? AndI was. I was. I was at the jumping off place they talkedabout in the book, you know, and so and all I know is, thirty days later, you know, I mean, I gave my lifeto God. I gave my life to Jesus. And I'm a Jewish giftfrom New York and I gave my life to Jesus because the preachers on TVsaid if I did that it would be okay. Gave my life to Jesushas to come. I was about a sears. I was about a sincereas you could possibly be. They say, don't Robin Alcohol of his last thingdrink. Don't rob an alcohol of his desperation. I was so desperate. Let me take I was so sincere about Jesus coming to my life because, let me tell you something, I'm just lucky that Harry Chrishners didn't showup, because I'd be at the airport right now with the tambourine. Youunderstand what I'm saying. But the bottom line is, you know what showedup was this preacher and he told me get down on my knees and saythe center's prayer, and I did it and I like to be able totell you I stopped drinking. You know, three rabbis and a priest came bywith some Duncan doughnuts. Say We got an a meeting going on here. That's not what happened. I continue to drink down to a big caraccident, almost killed myself and thirty days later I found I had my lastdrink and I found myself in alcoholics anonymous. That's the that's the more. Almostthat's the end of my story. Okay, and I stopped drinking.I'm a white chip wonder stop drinking, having out of drinking forty years.So, so here's the deal. So I start working these steps. Now, apparently, now, I don't understand this stuff at all. Apparently whathappens is, if you work these steps rigorously with a sponsor over a periodof time, time, a lot of time. What happens? As youstart learning to live a different type of life, a different you know,there's an alcoholic life and there's a non alcoholic life. Now, now analcohol when you're in an alcoholic life, you say things like. You saythings like this. I can still I can still imitate an alcoholic. Ican imitate you. I can do it. Okay, here's alcoholics say things likethey don't know who they're fucking around with. They don't know who theythey say things like. They say things like this, do you know whoI am? Do you know who I am? They say things like what'syour name? I want your full name and what's your bosses? They saythings like why is this shit always happening to me? They say I cannever catch a break. They say things like this, my life sucks,or they say things like this, I'm having a bad day, I'm havinga bad week, I'm having a bad year. You know, why don'tI ever get a break? Why is everybody always screwing you? I mean, they say, if you're living in an alcoholic life, you have theseyou say these lines. There's a lot of what you say, things likeI don't give a shit what they think about they got don't care what theythink about me screwing you know. You say that you seem sometimes to besort of mad and upset and upset of all and stuff like that. NowI know I'm talking to you guys. You guys probably don't really understand whatI'm talking about, because I could tell you're like at a higher level ofalcoholism than I am. But I have a serious let me tell you something. I'm a chronic alcohol I have a serious type of alcoholism. I don'thave the milder form, you know. So. So during the day Iwas some I was the sum total of...

...every asshole I ran into, andeverybody I ran into was an asshole. I used to think that I hada machine gun mounted on my car where I was just killing families of listen, if, if I would kill, I would murder people. I probablymurdered fifty people a day. I was a prosecutor and in my mind I'mkilling people, people that are getting in my way, you know, peoplethat are driving too slow, you know, just blowing them up. Kill withpeople that are just not doing what I want them to do, stupidpeople, you know what I mean. And and I'm murdering people, andI when I murder you, I don't just shoot you, no, Idon't just I just I dip you in molten lead and then I dust youoff, I bring you back to life and then I dip you again.You know what I mean. There Ain't no probation where I come from.Now, and now here's the crazy part. It's crazy now that I think aboutit. That's the way I thought about life. I was always madat somebody, angry at somebody, Russian the go somewhere, pissed off,upsetable and everything like that. Here's the crazy part. That's my alcoholic life. That and that's my alcoholic life sober. Listen, when I was drinking Iwas okay. Let me try to put this with. When I wassober, I was crazy. When I was drinking, I was fine this, I don't know that makes any sense. I'm trying to explain it to youthis way. I didn't have a drinking problem. Drinking was the solutionto my problem. I had a problem with something called sobriety. Okay,I couldn't handle sober. Sober to me, was shitty. Okay, drinking drunkwas okay. So that was my deal. So apparently now, now, I didn't realize that there was something wrong with this, and I wantto tell you something. Hung around a lot of guys that apparently felt thesame way I did, because those are the guys I hung with. I'vealways hung with alcoholics. Even today, I hang with alcoholics. You know, you, you guy, would be like exhibit one. You know,if I was in tribbly, the exhibit one. Alcoholics hang without coholics.They seem to be the only people that understand me in this crazy world.So so here's the deal. So I'm so. So here's here's the situation. So after over period of time, if you work these steps, whathappens is they slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, get you toease into a different type of life. You know, if anybody would sayto me, if I meant anybody in that you see, when you'reinsane, when you're an alcoholic and you're insane, and I know I'm insane, because the second step is you come to believe that there's a power thatwill restore you to sanity. And you can't be restored to sanity unless you'reinsane. So when you're insane and you don't know you're insane, and whenyou're upsetable and you don't know you're upsetable and you don't know any other wayof doing it, and somebody tells you that you're upsetable, you say tothem something like this. Well, if it happened to you, you'd feelthe same way. That's what you say. You said, well, sure,if it happened to you, if he bounced to check on you,but then all of a sudden a you run into people will call them oldtimers or just sober people, and they have bad things happened to them andthey don't react the same way. They don't get mad, they don't getupset, they don't say I'll show you, they don't get pissed off. Okay, they act like calm, like seeing they act. They're like senile. Now, when an alcoholic that's insane meets meets a and old timer,somebody that's sober, to an alcoholic, the oldtimer seems crazy. You understandwhen you're insane and you runner somebody who's saying the same person looks crazy.So so our way of life now as sober alcoholics, to an alcohol lookscrazy. So here's the deal. So I'm sitting there and I'm coming today A and over a period of time,...

...three years, four years, fiveyears, ten years, fifteen years, twenty. What happens is it easesyou to a form of life which demand's rigorous honesty. Have you readin the book? You know it's I we probably read it today. Itsays it says, it said something like rarely I've seen prison was follows fallthese steps. Those who do not recover, as those who cannot or will notcompletely give themselves a simple program which demands rigorous honesty. So you endthe program which demands rivers honesty, which means we start getting honest with ourselves. When you start getting honest with yourself and when you start when, overa period of ten or twenty years, you go through something called repeated humiliationsand the final question of our self sufficiency? And this is the way it lookslike. Do you remember when you first came in day a, howyou were crushed by I mean, I don't know anything about your bottoms,but when I came to day a, I was crushed. I thought mylife was over. Remember when your life was so bad, when things gotso bad, so bad that you actually went to Aa? Does anybody rememberthat? I'm not the only guy. Is that it? I'm CASSANDRA.Am I the only guy? I remembosition. Remember when things got so bad thatyou even went to out alcohol? I mean, let me tell yousomething. If you're an alcoholic, things got to get really bad for yougood a A. Now, it's true, you can get a prematurely, likea judge could order you and a a, or you could absolutely findyourself an a, but you're not going to stay there for a long timeperiod of time because you're but but there is a point in time, ifyou're lucky, if your fortune, if you're blessed, where things get sobad that you go to Aa. Now, let me, let me, letme tell you a little secret for New People, that sort of patternwhere things get so bad that you do something crazy, like God ay.That pattern doesn't stop, that goes on for a good thirty or forty years. You know what I mean, where things get so bad that you stopcheating on your wife, where things get so bad that you stop stealing moneywith things get so bad that you you know what happens is you get thisthing called repeat humiliation, because you want to see, because in my wayof life, doing things like doing things selfishly and self centeredly and living theold way of life is natural to me. I do not have to go tomeetings to be an asshole. I just I don't. I don't haveto go to meetings to think only about myself. All I care about allit's like my sponsor said, you don't care about anybody except yourself. Youdon't give a shit. You know what I mean? Let me tell yousomething. That attitude that, when it comes rack down to it, theonly person I care about is me. I don't have to go to anymeetings. For that, I don't have to call up a sponsor. Forthat, I don't need an a sponsors. Say Hey, screwm all, youonly care about I. that's listen. That is my natural state of listen. Here's the problem. My Grandmother, Nana Ethel, she was incorrect.She was mistaken about me. She was not right. I mean shewas a grandmother and she loved me, you know. I mean how granny'slove. You know that they love them, you know, and they everybody needsto have a grandmother like my Nana. But he's she was wrong when shesaid you're basically a good boy. I am not basically a good boy. Listen, there are people on the planet earth, you might even knowhim, that are kind, that are generous, that go out of theway and do things for people and don't expect anything to return, that don'tthat don't take things personally, that don't hold grudges, that want to justhelp other people, that love other people and that are grateful and they don'tgo to any means. Or are people like that. And then there arepeople who are the opposite, the opposite...

...of those people. That would beme. I would be the opposite person. Do you understand? Am I makingany sense? I'm like, I'm the opposite of that. Okay,so let me, let me, let me say, let me explain thisto you. So I get me, I say to myself. One day, I used to say this all the time. You ever wake up andsay, if I only had this, I'd be okay. Anybody ever saythis? Hey validate me. Why, even if you haven't, anybody,Raser, have you ever said, oh, man, if I only, ifI only was making more money, I'd be okay. If I onlyhad a different boss, I'd be okay. Oh, if I can only marrythat guy, if I only marry that girl, I'd be okay.If I was only married, be okay. If I was only divorce, I'dbe okay. If I only had a cary, be okay. Ifonly out of Massarati, I'd be okay. If I only can lose fifty pounds, I'd be Oh, I cannot. Are you, and if onlier anyyes, butter, are you? Are you somebody that is just waitingto be a superstar as long as you get this, and then you getthis and then it's all shit and then you got to get something else.and Are you one of those people that spend money? You don't have tobuy shit, you don't need to impress people. You don't like it becausesomehow, when you spend something and you do something, that makes you feelbetter, and then you got to do it again or you want to thesepeople that got to talk bad shit about people behind their back, because somehowit makes you feel good to talk bad about other people, especially of peopleagree with me. Are you? Are you crazy like me? Are yougot that thing going on? You know? So, so here's the deal.Apparently, one day I walked into a class at the universe Miami andI saw this Gal. She was a cheerleader, x cheerleader. Her fatherwas a doctor, mother was Laura, and she had legs up to here, and I said to myself, as I often said, if I onlyhad that woman, I'd be okay. And so I turned on the charmbecause let me explain something to you. Don't look at me the way Iam right now. I mean you got to imagine me like like a hundredand twenty pounds lighter. You know what I'm talking about. You got toimagine me like it. You know, twenty five years old, a hundred, twenty pounds lider. So like Magnum Pi, you know, everything likeI got the photos, don't worry, and every like that. I couldturn on the charm. Let me tell you something. I I was alloungeLizard from the let me tell you some I wanted what she had and Iwas willing to go to any length to get it. And I could turnon the charm. I could get a job, I could get a woman, I could do whatever I wanted to do if I wanted to get it. And God help you if you're the target of an alcoholic male who's likeme, you know, like me. And so I can turn on thecharm. I could be intelligent, I could be felt funny once in awhile. I'm even funny today, you know what I mean. I couldbe humorous, I could be charming, you know, like couple, andeverything like that. I can do the act, I could play the game. I am the actor on the stage. Okay, and that's the only Isaid. If I only had this woman, I'd be okay. Andguess what? I wind her. I dined here, I wanted I toldher father, who was a doctor, mother was a lawyer, that Iwas going to become a lawyer. So I switched my my degrees, becomea Lauria. I became a Laura, become the vision chief the states turnsoffice. I married that Gal. We had a baby, got a beautifulas some Mindy beach on the golf course and I'm like that. I hada great job and then around five years, five years in the marriage, Ijust got, you know, sort of tired. She I don't know. I was going out drinking all night and she was staying home with thebaby and I was looking at all these girls on the dance floor and Isaid to myself, man, if I can only have, if I canonly have one of those, I'd be okay. I never physically cheated onmy wife. Never physically cheated on my wife because I'm, as Nana says, basically a good boy. I knew that would be wrong, but Isure thought about it and I'd stay up till three, four o'clock in themorning and come home and I cheat on her. And I think when you, I think when you are in a bar at four o'clock in the morning, your wife is home with a baby and you watching women on the dancefloor and you're saying yourself. I only could have that, Gal, I'dbe okay. I think it's like close to cheating on your wife. Whatdo you think, Cindy? What do...

...you think? Is that true?Do you think that's close to infidelity? I think it's. I think itis absolutely thank you. I was asking your pay. I was honestly interestedin your opinion. Okay, so, so, because I can't get itright. Opinion from the guys. They don't think that's such a big deal. So in any event, so I basically drank myself to the point wheremy wife keep me out of house and then I got a divorce. BeforeI got a divorce, I went to the and I after her and Itold myself, because because I'm a rationalizer, I tell myself rational lies, whichis something to do, by the way, with being delusional. Thatsome do with deluge. It have has some do with, you know,your alcoholic life seems the only normal one. Has Something to do where you can'trecognize truth from false. Has Some do with a dishonest life for hisan honest life. I told myself that the reason I was getting to divorces. We were grown into different directions. We got married too young. Shedidn't understand me, I didn't understand her. But here's the truth we got aftertwenty years and alcoholics, anonymous work in this program. Here's the truth. I got a divorce because I wanted to go out and get laid byother women. Now, that doesn't give me a great deal of pleasure tosay that and I'm not bragging about it. And you know, there are actuallypeople on here that Mike Say Themselves, maybe women, that guy is atotal freaking selfish asshole, not capable of me, and you would beright. But I want to explain to you why my grandma was wrong whenshe said you're basically a good boy, because, when it comes right downto it, all that other stuff that I did in my life, youknow, getting a job, getting a girl, getting money, all thatstuff was just play acting. If you really want to know who I amat my core, you understand that I don't give a shit of anything,buddy, except myself in my own pleasure. So then, after I get adivorce, I have what's called visitation with my son. I don't knowhow many people with divorce here I had visited and I had a beautiful sonand he's not like forty eight or something, I don't even know, and he'sgot a couple of I got two or two grandkids with him and myson. I promised them I would take him to the zoo and for twoweeks he was waiting for me and take him to the zoo on a Saturday. I had tickets and everything. And on Saturday morning, at eight o'clockin the morning, I got a phone call from Sally. You guys knowSally, you know Sally. That was her name, Sally, I remember, and she said, Russell, me and the girls are going out onthe boat. Would you like to come? So I'm thinking boat Sally Booze Sexson, Boat Sally Booze Sex son. I struggled with that for ten seconds. You know what I mean, the die. There was a littlebit of a struggle for ten seconds and then it was anchor's away and Ileft to go with Sally and I never called my son. So now myson, who's five or six years old, is sitting there waiting for his dadand he never gets a phone call. And I'm saying to myself he'll behappier with his mother. Who wouldn't be happy with me anyway. Ijust wanted to tell you that story in case there was some crazy person herethat that actually still like me. You understand what I'm saying? I Iwanted to make sure you understood what a selfish son of a bitch, assholeI was. Now let me explain something to you. When I made thatdecision to go out with Sally and leave my son, I was as soberas I am right now. Do you understand what I'm saying? I wasas sober as I am right now. You know why I did that?I did that because at my core,...

...at my core, my core,I am a selfish person. I don't give a shit about it anybody exceptmyself, and that's who I am as an alcohol now you may think thatmakes me feel bad. The greatest thing in the world's to know thyself,you know. And First Corinthians Thirteam, which was the book that they saidwhere it was absolutely essential they studying before the big book, the first fouryears. One of the lines is we see through a glass darkly, weredelusional, but soon all would be revealed. The one thing that happens to you, if you really worth this problem of alcoholics, anonymous, is youget to see yourself as you really are. And the great thing about seeing yourselfas you really are and who you are and what you are is becausethe first step in getting out of jail is knowing you're in jail in thefirst place. And you can't possibly be motivated to get out of jail orknow you're a jail the first place, and so you realize what a worthlesspiece of crappy I mean, listen, you're not telling you something you don'tknow, because us all, alcoholics, are out to destroy themselves up.So what's commentator said? Because we're all we're all where. We all basically, deep down inside, be believe we are worthless. We are worthless.Why do you think, when you're driving in the car or showering, whydo you think you tell yourself you're a piece of shit? You want totell yourself. Why do you think you tell yourself you're a loser? Whydo you think you get those voices that come in from seemingly nowhere, tellingyourself what the heck? Why do I even try? My life has sucks, I might as well forget it. I might as well do why doyou think? Where do you think those voices come from, if it doesn'tcome from deep down inside of you where you have the capacity to understand.I say to my sponsor, I feel guilty since because you are guilty.You know it's not because the world has it out for you. You haveit out for you. I have it out for me because nobody knows whata selfish trick I am. And then me, and that is let metake something. That's the real alcoholism. You can stop drinking, but youcan't stop that Shit. You can't stop that Shit. You can't stop thatstuff. That's why you worry what they're going to think about you all thetime. That's why you want to be except, why you're such an acceptplease accept me. I love a haulic. Please accept me, a Haulan.All that bullshit. That's why you have such a crummy life. Youknow why you're so upsetable? Because of those stalls, because you're selfish andyourself centered and you're driven to that, driven buy a hundred forms of fear. What are they going to think about me? What am I going todo? What's going to happen? Selfdelusion, self seeking, what you step andit caused you to make actions and send emails and do stupid Shit whereyou hurt other people and then they retaliate, seeming to do out provocation. Andthe problem is is because you've made these decisions based upon yourselfishness, putyou in a position to be hurt. And here's the crazy and yourself forwardriot. You can't help yourself, you can't stop yourself, nobody can stopyou. And here's the real said part. But you usually don't think so.You're like me. You think you're basically a good girl, you thinkyou're basically a good boy, you think it's not that bad. You're notreally selfish. Above everything, you must get rid of this selfishness. Wemust start kills us. God makes that possible, but God ain't going tomake that possible unless you want him to remove it from you, unless youtake the actions. This whole thing, all these steps, is a step. You know the last line in the book, the last paragraph of thebook, that says see to what your relationship with him is right, andgreat events will come to pass for you and countless others. You know itsays. It says if you want to be rocked in the fourth dimension ofexistence, if you want to experience life of happiness, peace and happiness.The great facts is this, and nothing less. Make God the central factoryour life. Become convinced that he lives in your heart and mind and way, which is deep miraculous. He's going to do for you what you can'tdo for yourself. He's already started, it says, once you make thatdecision, for God, all us is remarkable. Things happened. Being allpowerful give you everything you need if you...

...stay close to him. Performers workwell. You got to be close to reformers work well. You know,he does want to hang out with you while you're out there doing crazy shit. He wants to hang out with people that want him, that need him. You know what I mean. Ain't going to chase you around the block. You know what I mean. What does it say? We're on anew basis, the base of trusting and relying upon God. We never apologizefor God. All that of faith have courage. They trust their God.We never apologize for God and said we let him demonstrate in our lives whathe would have us be at once we outgrow fear and it's all about Godabove everything, we must get rid of the subfistions and must kills us Godmakes that possible. Your real reliance wants to be on him. He'll evenshow you how to great the fellows. You be creat you want to knowwho you are and what you are. You, you, you, youwatch who you hang out with, who you're listening to? Are you listeningto the AA group therapists? Is that what you go you go to thesegroup therapy meanings where very vomits on the table about all their problems and theysay, okay, don't drink God means, you'll be okay. Is that whatyou listen to? And you don't? You're uncomfortable with the God are youuncomfortable with the God thing? Of course you're uncomfortable with the God thing. That's what it says in chapter the agnostics. You're uncomfortable with the Godthings. You can't handle the God thing. If a mere code of morals,a better philosophy with life, would have helped, do you do ita long time ago, but didn't help us. That way. We haveto talk about God. You know what they say about the God thing?They say the atheist thing, the agnosted things, is this sort of thinghave to be abandoned. God either is or isn't. What's your decision unewhat's your decision going to be? Half measures of ailie nothing. There ain'tno half measures. You know. You don't get rid of the old ideas. Results as nil. It's obdios, it's nail. You know. Canyou faith this a a thing and do the group therapy thing and stay soberfor eleven, twelve, Fifteen, twenty thirty years? Absolutely, just don'tbe looking to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. Don't be likejust live a life of you'll just be you know it'll be. You'll justbe a dry alcoholic, whatever that entails in various stages of stock you'll get. You might even experienced a few of the promises. You never know.So one of the thing what these steps are all about. The whole pointof the steps, if you read the fifth step, the whole point isto help you develop a relationship with God. That's the whole point of the steps. You get through the steps, you have to devote the relationship God. You've missed something. You missed the deal. That's the whole thing.You know. So so what is what are we talking about with that stepa? What are we talking about? Step for step made comes out ofstep. Step for is you with you're crazy, pathetic mind. You know, I'm not talking about you. You guys, I understand you were.You guys are like the Mensa of alcoholics, anonymous. This is like this.I'm like talking to the brain trust of alcoholics, anonymous, God forbid. Okay, the brain trust of alcoholics, and not of us, but anything, you know. Listen. So the four step. You do yourbest to follow instructions, God forbid, file directions, and you write downall this stuff about yourself. You know, you're write it all down, itlooks like you did some good, you get a little relief from it, and then you take it to some other person who's going to look atit objectively and and tell you stuff about tell you, hey, I thinkyou miss this. I think they're going to give you like a new perspective, a new perspective, and then, ultimately you're going to do that.Well, hopefully you'll do a little six, and you know six and seven,of course, we talked about that. That's going to be repeated for alifetime. And then what's going to happen is you're going to then beable to use that fourth step and you're going to write things. You're goingto you're going to have some idea, some idea. You're gonna have toexcuse my language, I'm sorry. You know, you just write New Yorkor something that you're going to have some idea of what an assholl you are. That's it. You're going to have some clue. You're going to havea different perspective. You're going to go from feeling like a victim, likeyou've been a victim, to saying things...

...like I can't believe anybody hung aroundme. I'm such an idiot. You know, I hurt so many.You're going to start, but even even then, let me just tell youthis, even then you're not going to really get the full picture. Youunderstand that, do you don't you? You know you're gonna going to getthe full but you're going to get a partial picture. You're going to geta partial picture, good enough. So you'll be able to write down somenames of people that you want. You'll be able to write down like youknow, like for me, my wife, my first wife. You'll be rightable to write things like, you know, wife, parents, boss. You'll be able to write that stuff down and you'll be able to you'llbe able to write all that stuff down. Who you own a men's do andhere's the great part. He's the great part. You will even havesome clue as to why you owe them and amends, which is very good, because when you go up to somebody and you say somebody you really enjoyedand you say, listen, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I hurt you,or something like that, it really you're really digging a bigger you're digginga bigger hole because they don't want to hear I'm sorry, because you've beensaying I'm sorry, because there's such a sorry son of a bitch. Anyway, you've been saying I'm sorry all your life, and what that means toyou is, you know, when I went up to somebody, I'd sayit, I'm sorry, and if they didn't immediately say, okay, Iforgive you, I get I say, what the Hell, what that?Listen, if you hurt me, I'm pissed off with you for ten years. You know what I mean. You know, forget it. I ain'tnever forget, you know, but but if I, if I slice somebodyelse, I heard them and I say I'm sorry they and they don't forgiveme immediately. I see what the Hell's wrong with you. I said Iwas sorry, because what my sorry meant was not that I did anything wrong. It meant I'm sorry, I feel guilty. You have to forgive meso I'll feel okay. It was a selfish self even my sorrey's were selfish. It was designed to get you to forgive me so I could go outand whore around and rape around and beat you up and rob you some more. You know what I mean. That was my I'm sorry. I hadto say the people listen. I was a lowsy husband and I walked outof you and I on you and I should stadium. I had to saythe real deal what kind of person I was. I really had to confess. I had to do the confession thing. That's what it's all about and that'swhat the ten step and that's what it's all I had to do thatdeal. I had to write down that list. I had to do thatand do it over and over and over again. Oh Man, for howmany years? Well, I don't want to get into the tent step becauseI'll ruin the ten step for you, but we'll talk about the ten stepand restrained of tongue and pain and stuff like that, because so and that'swhere you're a step list comes from. It comes from your fourth step andyour fifth step and all that sort of stuff. And as you you know, listen this line in the sermon on the Mount, by the way,the summon a mount, Matthew, five, six and seven. If you readDoctor Bob, the good old timers, it says right there. It saysthe books that we found absolutely essential, absolute essential, or first smothian thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the book of James. You understand that? I don't know. It's the old timers are ly interest says the booksthey found absolutely essential was first corithian thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the bookof James. And, by the way, in the big book itsays really, have we seen a pay person fail who has thoroughly followed ourpath? It doesn't say half has followed our path. It says thoroughly followedtheir path. Their Path was to study and find the book, study thebooks, first Clynthians Thirteen, the book of James and sermon on them ount. You Unger stand and say that's what they did, that's what they didwhen they were the big book. Okay, you ain't doing that. You Ain'tdoing this thing thoroughly. As far as I have to say. Nowthat's going to piss somebody off. I don't give a shit. You knowwhat I mean. You know, you look it up in the book.If it's does it say? Really, I haven't seen a person fail ascertainly followed our bath. Yes, you read Dr Problem Good Old Times saysit's Ay, these are the books we found absolutely essentral for the first fouryears. It says that you figure it...

...out. Of course, your alcoholics, so you'll look for the loopholes, you'll figure out how you don't haveto do it because there's appendix to or some other bullshit like that. Thisis a this is a fellowship where we separate the men from the boys.There's no problem. There are people that are to be men and there arepeople going to be boys. They're people going to be women and people whogoing to be girls. There are some people that going to do this thingthe way it's supposed to be done and they're going to reap the benefits,and there are some people just going to do it halfass. They're going todo what they want to do anyway. It's okay, that's the way it'sgoing to be. But don't let don't ever tell anybody that nobody ever toldyou this shit. I'll tell you another words. You're not in a positionanymore to say you were never told. Yeah, yeah, you can't saytwenty years from now. Well, nobody ever told me that. It's all. But it was a one juror. That was a one crazy guy,you know, but he was kind of weird. You know, that RussellGuy? Yeah, it was kind of strange. I didn't want anything yet, so that's the deal. So, in any event, I don't knowhow much time I think I'm done.

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