AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 11 months ago

Russell S. Step 6 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 6 from the Coral Room Zoom February 5, 2021  

So, if not, maybe it'llget just a little bit better after me and we'll see how that works.It's privileged to be here. I have been. I'm an alcoholic. Imy home group is the South Dixie Group. I'm going to put some time duringthis meeting. I'll put my email in the chat deal if anybody wantsto get a hold of me. We have a lot of great meetings anddifferent things we do, including workshops. You just have to get ahold ofme. I'm I'm available, I'm an a A. I'm available. Tellanybody who needs help. And in any event, I've been sober for fortyyears. Sober forty years, married for forty years, and and I cameinto out box anonymous when the consequences of my drinking came at me faster thanmy ability to lower my standards. And that was thirty one years old whenI came in and I'm seventy one now, going to be seventy two and March. I raised four children and three girls and a boy, and Igot seven grandchildren and I run a lofts in Miami and that's my deal andI'm sticking to it. And so they say, a's giant toolboxes, awrench to fit every nut that walks through the door. I don't know whereI'll be your ranch. I'm just going to talk a little bit about myexperience. It's not my intention to Piss anybody off, but I tend todo that every once in a while just by just naturally my talking. Soin any of I just remember whenever you're disturbed, matter what the cause is, probably something wrong with you. No, no, there's something wrong with you. That's the spiritual accident, as a matter of spent the matter offact. So in anyway, I'm going to talk a little bit about oneof my favorite I think, right now in my life, at my age, after my history in a A. I think my and I've said thisbefore, I think my favorite steps to talk about are steps six and seven. I'm going to try to explain why they're my favorite steps. I don'tknow what you realize this, but six and seven are are normally referred toas old timers steps, and I think I'm officially an old timer by astandards. I about five years ago, ten years ago, I had aboutthirty years and I was they had a they had a thing in the atthe International for old timers. So I forgot to go up there and getmy coffee Mug or whatever. They were given out to old timers because theyhave thirty years and they have prized me of the fact that that that youhad have forty years and old order to be an old timer. So,but they may have moved the bar. You know, my first sponsor,one of my sponsors, Joe Sneider, told me he didn't consider it.He didn't consider me sober. He didn't consider anybody sober until they had tenyears. So when I had ten years, I went up to him and Itold him I had ten years. I'm sober nowiced as I'm into twenty. They're always moving bar on it and I don't know that's true. AndI can be drunken an hour. I'm an alcohol gun. Parallels over thisdeal so and in anyway. So I'm going to explain you a little bit. Boy, six and seven is important to me because my life's the onlywife. I know about my life and the life of I've gotten. I'vehad the privilege of sponsoring hundreds of men and working with a lot of peopleand I get to speak about this stuff all over the place and I'm justgoing to tell you what my experience is. Every once while, I'll probably slipan opinion. Is Don't don't let it. Don't. Don't get allupset about my opinions. I'll probably change my mind after I leave this meeting. Well, you'll get upset about something else. Say, why did Isay that? You know and, and that's the deal. So, inany event, the reason why I you know six and seven. Let melet me just put it to you this way. Six is the step thatseparates the men from the boys. Now, I don't want to be called sexas my voters call me sexist.

I don't want to get into thatdeal. I'm old that come from a different generation. How about it separatesthe girls from the women? I'll put it to you this way, andthis is just my opinion, and you can if you piss you off,you can leave the meet and whatever it is, complain to New York.Okay, so I used to. I used to go to when we usedto have them. You can. Back in the good old days, we'dhave like football games, we'd have sports, sports that you could go to.You can sit in a stadium and you have anybody ever go to likea football game or baseball game and you go to a stadium, you knowwhat I'm talking about. And so I would go to these stadiums and Iwould sit in the I would sit up in the bleachers, wherever hell yousit, you know, in the stadium, and I you have to pay moneyto get in. You can't get in, you can't. You can'tget into the stadium unless you pay, pay the money. And I wouldpay the money and I would go to the stadium and there would be Fiftyzeroand a hundredzero people watching, spectators, factators, right. That's what theycall spectators, watching the action and enjoying, to a certain extent, what wasgoing on in the playing field. And and on the playing field theyhave these guys. There were got, they were players, they were footballplayers. It would they and I think I'm pretty sure that the that eventhough I was there in the stadium with the football players and I was watchingthem and I was having a good time, I'm pretty sure that the players themselves, we're having a different experience. Understand, I think there are,there are spectators and there are players, and I think the players were havinga different experience and spectators, I'm pretty much sure of it. And youknow, I was in a for many years and I was a spectator andand I've run into people, I call them minors. I have a talksaying chasing the miners, following the minors, and I would run into these peoplein alcoholics anonymous that were different. In alcoholics anonymous number three, theboom. Yeah, yeah, Galacy, you got to use yourselves. Andalcoholics anonymous in the story. Alcoholics anonymous number three. That's the story bike, Bill Dotson. Bill Dotson was the man on the bed. Third Guyinto a a and he's the guy when you go into an a room thatthey have a poster of and he's on the bed with one of them funnyt shirts and there's Bill Wilson and Dr Bob at the bedside the one thousandnine hundred thirty seven, one thousand nine hundred and thirty six, something likethat, with a with a Bible and they're that was before the big book. That's what they use and talking to him and the portrait, that thingyou see in the in the in the in the room, was his calledcame to believe, and and they were in Bill Dotson wrote, wrote hisstory in the big book that's called alcoholics anonymous number three. And in thatstory, you can check this out. It's my fact. You should checkout whatever I say. But, and but, in that story, thisis what he says. He was sober, he was sober for a few monthsor whatever it is, and he said this. He said I knewthere was something more, something more than physical sobriety, something I hadn't had, something I didn't have, something a...

...person. I thought a person oughtto have, a type of release, a type of happiness. I thinkthey're talking about that rocketed into the fourth dimension deal and talked about in thebig book that experience, too much of heaven thing. And he said Iknew there was something more, something I hadn't have, and I was tryingto find the answer. You know, may you may find yourself and alcoholicsanonymous, sometimes having a good time, not drinking, being grateful for beingan alcoholics anonymous. But every once in a while you might find yourself witha little anxiety. You you might find yourself at five years or ten years, feeling good, having a good time at meetings, being grateful to bebeing there, getting a lot out of it, with with interspersing times ofincredible anxiety and fear and worried and anger. You may find yourself a ten orfifteen years, or even twenty or twenty five years in alcoholics anonymous,doing everything you think you're supposed to do, doing everything. I'm talking about doingeverything, doing it by the numbers, not not the extra credit stuff,like going to church. You know, they talked about in the big book. They say, they say this line, this is a great line. They say it twice. They say we encourage church membership. Did youknow they said we encourage church membership. He said it's not obligatory, hesays, but most of us, most of US along to religious denominations.We bring a bright lights of those dominations. They help us out. We likewe like associated with. Well, I'll call that the extra credit stuff. I'm not talking about that credit stuff. You may find yourself. You mayfind yourself at a point in sobriety where you feel like you're doing everything, you're doing everything an egg and you're still not happy. You know,envisioned for you, there's a line that says here and there, once ina while it's on the first page, last paragraph. Here and there,once in a while, a former drink or being drive the moment. SaysI feel better, look better, having a better time. That's what alot of us say. Says, we laugh that that Sally. We knowpretty soon he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy withhis sobriety. Soon, who will try the old deal? He says,you're he'll know loneliness is if you do. Who Wish for the jumping off place? I'll tell you something. I'll tell you. I'll tell you whenit gets really rough and AGG when you're doing the whole thing and you're goingto meetings and you're not having fun anymore and your restless. He will discontentedand you're doing everything. You're telling it. You're doing everything. You know.Accept the stuff you don't want to do. We'll put that another category. And stuff you don't want to do. You're doing everything. You're working yourprogram, you're working your program of recovery and you're doing everything and somehowlike like out like build dots and says you know, you know there's somethingmore, something you haven't got, and it's like the old marlborough commercials.A lot of guys are young. You wouldn't remember this, for there's someoldsters on you, the old marble commercials, to say, are you smoking moreand enjoying it less? And you're going to a lot of meetings,doing a lot of stuff, and you're so busy and a a, you'reso busy doing stuff that you know the truth of the matter is is thatyou you don't have time to actually feel like you're not really getting anywhere.But in quiet times when you're by yourself or three o'clock in the morning,when you're worried about something, you you feel like you're missing something. Youhit like a glass let's say this. You hit like a glass ceiling,you know, and so you're it. You can sider what's going on.So so the bottom line is is the bottom eyes. Every once in awhile you run into somebody like Bill Dotson, Buil Dotson. Ran Into Bill Wilsonso in Acolson, anarmous number three,...

...he says. It says I knewthere was something more, something I hadn't got and he said I wassitting in my home one afternoon with Bill Willson and my wife, Henrietta,and I was trying to find the answer. I was hanging around these guys thatI thought had it. I was trying to find why they had sucha release. And he said, Bill said to my wife, and thisis the direct quote. I think I'm going to get it right, butyou can check out. And he says Bill Wilson turned to my wife,Henrietta, and said, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, sharing me of this terrible disease that I have to keep talking about itand telling people and build notts and says and alcoholics on the see says.I think I got the answer. He said he calls it the golden textof a a. He said Bill was very, very grateful for everything thatit happened to him and he gave all credit to God and he was sograteful about what God had done to him that he couldn't stop talking about andtrying to tell other people. He wanted everybody know what had happened. Andso here's the deal. And I had a sponsor who used to say tome things like this. You're ready, he said, rust you can talkto, talk with can you walk the wall? He'd say things like youknow, rust men are called, but fewer chosen. Many are called,but fewer chosen. As what does he mean by that? You know whatI mean, and you know when I went to law school they used tosay look to the right of you, look to the left of you,one of those people won't be here, one of those people will not behere in two years. And it was true. They would just sort offade out. They wouldn't be able to make the deal. You know,they couldn't keep it up. But so the bottom line is so I inorder to be a member of alcoholics anonymous. In order to be a member ofalcoholics anonymous, it used to be. It used to be that the onlyrequirement for membership was an honest desire to stop drinking. As a matterof fact, between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine, if you wantto go to an aiming, you had to get down on your knees.Now I'm telling you secret stuff that you may not know. Some you knowabout if you read Dr Bottom. Good old timers, you could not becomea member of alcoholics anonymous unless you got down on your knees in front ofall the other members and alcoholics anonymous and gave your life to God. Periodand of story. You have to impeach some sort of prayer and have themcome. You elective, your left to God and and you know, I'mnot saying that you should do that or anything like that. I wouldn't wanthurt anybody's feelings because I know you're sensitive like me. You're up your alcoholics. I don't want to you know, I said to my sponsor once,you know I was sensitive. He said, no, rous great artist, asense of you just touching. So that's how you used to get day. So they said. The only requirement from membership is an honest desire tostop drinking. It says in our book envision for you. It says nobodyhas sunk so low not to be cordially welcome and d a a if theymean business. It was like real serious. They took this thing serious as aren'tfact, it wasn't just, you know, you get out of thetreatment center so you can come on in or ain't that stuff? They reallyhad a test you. You got you. Ever, you're somebody at a meetingsay things like well, they had said anything to me about God,I would I wouldn't have been here, I would have left. No,you would have even been in, you know, because you had to proveto them. You read Dr Bobom the good old timers when built, whenDr Bob goes to twelve set, clarence and brew Master and the whole twelvestuff is there and Clarence says, and Clarence walks in on I'm not Clarence. Who Was it? Dr Bob Walks in on Clarence and it's all there. righting Dr Bomb that he walks on a clarence who was thirty five yearsold, was hundred thirty five pounds as no money, has nothing. He'sin a hospital bed and Dr Bob says how you doing? And he sayswhat do you think about all this? And Clarence so looks somebody says,well, I don't know. And then the first question he says is doyou believe in God, Young Fellow?...

And Clarence says what does that haveto what does that have to do with it? and Dr Bob says everything, everything, and Clarence says, well, I guess I do. He saysguess nothing. You either do or you don't. What's your decision goingto do? There are no half measures, there's no middle of the road shithere. And he says, well, I do. He'says good, we'regetting somewhere. No, get out of the bed and get down onyour knees. We're going to have to ask them into your life. Andthen clarence gets down in his bed and he gets on his knees and heasked guys into his life. And this is what Clarence's words are. Youcheck it out. Get a hold the DOC by Clarence says. He saidI did what I was ordered to do. There were no suggestions. That's theway it was between nineteen thirty five and one thousand ninehundred thirty nine.They're pretty serious about this stuff, and that's how they found that whether youwere honest, an honest desire to stop drink, whether you were serious,it was like a prequalification, you know. And that's just the deal. There'sa leg you're going top drone opin you just on tells your own facts. So somewhere along the way they thought that was too high a bar foralcoholics. They were dealing with with sort of like what he called higher bottomalcoholics that still had their teeth, and so they took that out. Sonow the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. We're talkingof fleeting thought. We're talking your wife is leaving you, your husband's leavingyou, you losing your children, you got arrested, who know? Thejudge said, you know, you want to go. You know, youwanted to achieve and they said, you want to try it out or tellyou know, like auditioning a a. You know, you know, it'snot like it was before. We had to prove that you were the youhad to prove you were serious. Now you had a members begging you tocome on in, you know, and all that sort of stuff, andso and so they took out that line. They said now the only requirement formembership is desire, mere desire, desire to stop drinking, whatever thatis. And the bottom line is is that and that would get you intothe that that would get you into the stadium. That would get you intothe stadium. That was the Auntie to get into the stadium. That wouldget you into the closed meetings. All you need to get into the closedmeetings was a desire to stop drinking. Every once in a while you wouldbe an AA and you weren't drinking and nobody else was drinking and everybody elseseemed physically sober and every once in a while you would run in, yourun into something like like bill dots and ran into brand rant in the billwill said. You would run into somebody an AA, you'd hear somebody ina and you realize that you were sober. They were sober, but they hadsomething you didn't have. I don't know how to explain it to youbecause it happened to me a lot when I was growing up an A.I would I was constantly running and running into men it or listening to menor women and I said, man, I know I'm sober, but Idon't know whatever. I don't know whatever's going on their lives. I don'thave it in my life because I'm a lack job, I'm a watch,I'm a thumbsucking crybaby. I mean, I'm sober, but I'm telling you, every other night I'm up at three o'clock the morning running about, worryingabout the money and I'm worrying about this and I'm worried about that, andmy ninety percent of my shares, and alcoholics anonymously, I do share,is complaining about my life or complain about my wife, or complaining about themoney. Your complaint. I'm complaining, I'm complaining, I'm complaint, I'man if only are and a yes butter and everything would be okay. Ifthey want to listen to me and they don't know who they're dealing with.It's why is this all only happen? Why is this always happened to me? And what am I going to get better? Why can't I feel better? And I'm depressed. I'm very depressed that I had a lot of crazyshit going on in my life, and I did. And there were otherguys like Al Kennedy, where I went...

...to a meeting and he was Iwas four months ober or four or five months Ober, and my sponsored memeeting. This guy had about thirty five years and and he gave this incredibletalk and it was helping people and it was just a onesful person. Iwas so attracted to him and I asked my sponsor what group people belong to. I'd really like to hang out with him, and my sponsor told mehe was dying of cancer and he had six months to live. And Itold my sponsor, no, I'm talking about the guy just spoken. Hesaid, yeah, I'll Kennedy. He's got six months to live. He'sdying of cancer, and I said he didn't say anthing about that and said, I know. He says he was just trying to help people. Youlook happy. Says he is happy, but he's got six months to live. And I looked to that guy and let me tell you some my visionas far as but AA was blew up at that time. I thought itwas a not drinking club. Everybody had talks so much about not drinking,not drink and not drinking. Don't drink unless your ass falls off picking upchips for not drink and do all that stuff. That's what I thought asall about. Don't drink and go to meeting. You know, I wastold a million times you could screw everything else if you haven't had drink.Their success, and I believe that if you're an alcoholic. But the bottomline is is that's what he told me. He said he's got six months tolive, and I and the bottom line is is I thought it wasa not drinking club and this guy was in the not being scared of dyingclub. He was in the not being scared of Dying Club, and Ihad made it to that club, you know. So I had my ticketbecause I had to desire to stop drinking to get into the stadium. ButI realized there were guys that were players and they were on the field andthey had something that I wanted, but I didn't know how to have it, I didn't know how to get it, I didn't even understand it. Theywere so different from me. They they were as different they're what theyhad, their idea of sobriety was so different from me. They were aboutas different from me as I was from a drunk. And of course Iwanted it, but I didn't know how to get it and I didn't knowwhere I was going to get it or any of that stuff. And andit's a rare thing, you know. And I wanted what they had andI was wontly got anyway together, but I didn't have any idea to doit. And of course one of the bad things about it is is thatI'm an alcoholic. So I wanted immediately, you know, that's why I dragyou. The great thing about drink as it works pretty fast. Nothingthe woman, no car, no mental money, really works quite as fast, you know, quite as well as just a few drinks. You know, have to wait just whack whack, you know, just lap them down, you know. And and I don't want to make no ten, twenty, thirty five. I wanted what he had a thirty five years at threemonths. You know, that's what I wanted. I wanted that to sosomewhere around the the the the last page, the last page of the big board, page one hundred and sixty four. If you read the last page,they'll tell you something. It'll tell you something if you sort of readbook between lines. You don't even have to read between lines, you justhave to read exactly what they say in there, and what they say onthe last page of that book talks about another, another fellowship in the air. They talk about a whole other fellowship within AA, inside of it.That's called the fellowship of the spirit. It says you will show it,you will surely join some of us in the fellowship of the spirit. Now, of course you may think it's your opinion, entitled to it, thatif you come to a a and you just have a desire to stop drinking, you are like automatically in the fellowship of the spirit. But there's apossibility, you might want to think about this, that you may just bea spectator. That fellowship of the spirit might be a little bit smaller thanthe entire group of alcoholics anonymous. Because if you read the last page,it talks about what you have to be...

...in order to be in the fellowshipof the spirit. It talks about the first thing it says is you haveto abandon yourself to God, a bit utterly abandon yourself to God. Youknow what it says in and there's a solution. It says, if youwant to be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence, those are the peoplethat are in the fellowship of the spirit. They all Kennedy's. If you wantto be rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence, if you want toexperience much of Heaven, it says the great fact is this and nothing less, and they repeat that great fact, that says this is the great fact. On the last page it's nothing less than this. It says. Godhas to be the central fact of your life. God has to be thecentral fact of your life. It says you have to be convinced that helives in your heart and mind in a way which is indeed miraculous, thathe is doing for you what you can't do for yourself, though you knowI can't. I don't know how to be not scared of dying, butI'll tell you a lot. And I don't know how to be not scaredof being broke. And I don't know how to be not worried about mylife and the things in my life, and I don't know how not tobe jealous or how not to be angry. We're not to be restless. Idon't know how not to keep on telling myself I'm a loser, I'man Asshole, and how to kill myself. I don't know how to not stopin stop comparing my insides with other people's outsides. I don't know howto not keep on telling myself if only I had this or only I hadthat, I'd be okay. I don't know how to not stop spending money. I don't have to buy crap, I don't need to impress people Idon't like. I don't know how to not stop saying to myself I don'tgive a crep what other people think about me, when I'm so worried aboutwhat people are thinking about me. I don't know how not to have fearof other people. They say we'll lose fear of I don't know how tonot do that when, when I'm not only enough an alcohol, alcohol,I'm up. Please love me a haul it, please accept me, ahaul it, please tell me I'm great. A haul it, when I haveall those other Halic things going on that doesn't even have anything to dowith drinking, which is a symptom, which is just the symptom. Idisease, that, the real disease, senters in my mind and I don'tknow how to get rid of it and only all the thinking of the worldjust makes me more crazy. I don't know how not to do that.But I'll tell you what I've discovered. God can do all that. YouMake God the central fact of Your Life, you'll do all that. You'll rockin you the fourth dimension. Now I wish I could tell you thatyou get down on your knees three or four months or year sober and youdo the third step, prayer, and you will be bamed convinced that heis living in your hearts and minds in a way which is a de Miraculous. But I'll tell you that shit just think going to happen that way,because I wasn't convinced, because if I was convinced of everything I just toldyou, I would never be worried again. I wouldn't be up at three o'clockmorning worried about stuff or why I'm alone, or worried of whying aboutwhy I'm so unworthy. You know, I wouldn't be worried about that sortof stuff. I'd be rocking in the fourth dimension. I wouldn't. Butyou see, my problem is God isn't really the central fact of my life. I'm really not convinced. I'm running after you know, it's like I'mspinning plates. I got a God played over here, I got a carplate over here, I've got I've got a woman played over here, Igot a sex plate over here, I got a money played over here.I'm spinning plates. I'm running around the stage spinning these plates and every oncewant one place starts wobbling. I start spending the money play and I spendthe sex plate. That's been the woman. Take play. Don't spinning all theseplates around. And let me tell you something. Why. My lifeis divided it up. Room this is my wife is divided up into certall sorts of plates in this world and...

...trying to manage my life. Iknow they say we can't manage our life. I know they say that no humanpower can get US sober. I know they say only God couldn't.What if he was sought? I know they say in the big book thatthere is one who has all powered, that one is God. They youfind them. Now. I know that there's seven point six billion people inthe world and if it's God as you understand them, I guess there's sevenpoint six billion gods. And if there's seven point six billion gods, Iguess there's probably no God at all. It's whatever you decide you want Godto be. But I know they say in the big book that once wemake that decision, that we got to get rid of the selfish this wemuster feels us, and God makes that possible. I know they say onceto make that decision, all sorts remarking things happen. Being all powerful.Apparently there's only one God. He's all powerful. There maybe seven point sixbillion people who think they have a certain idea who god is, but he'sall powerful and there's only one. There's not seven point six billion that areall power. There's only one and I guess the bottom line is he'll giveme everything I need if I stay close to him. So I got itclose to him, whoever he is, and I've got to play close tohim and do his works well, and apparently has some work for me todo, which has something to do with does that have to do with sexor getting laid or money or anything that or any of these things? Thathas to do with helping other people and serving him and loving other people,says. But how do you get there? My whole life is about worrying aboutworldly class members and money, property and prestees, just like you,Wilson. How do you get to that deal, if that's the deal?And so the bottom line is I work these steps and I work these stepsand I work these suckers over and over. Goat like like what does that karatekid like? Wax On, lacks off, laps on, laps off, lacks on, the locks off, and I noticed that they actually work. They start working. I start getting better. I knew the WAX on. I do the fourth step ten million times. Well, we call itthe ten step. When you do it. I do the ten step ten milliontimes. I go through repeated humiliations thousands and thousands of time. Iget new perspectives on thing as I'm going up. You know, I learnedthe value of suffering. You know, I do the steps so many times. I do so many, so many amends, so many fourth steps,so intense steps, so many fifth steps, sponsoring, so many people, servedit the whole bit everything. I do it by the numbers so manytime. Well, at least the things you're ob we get to do somany times, not the extra credit stuff. You know, I do it somany times that after a while I find I'm not even doing the steps. I'm not even doing them, I'm living them, you know, becauseI used to live a life that the man's rigorous dishonesty, because I'm arationalizer. I told myself rationalize, I tell myself shit better. That's untrue. And I do this stuff over and over again until I'm actually doing it. But I'm not where. When I was a year somber man, Iknew what I was doing the steps. Oh, I knew exactly when Iwas doing the steps. I knew what I was doing a fist that.I knew what I was doing it for step. I knew when I wasdoing a third step. I got on my knee so many times at threeo'clock in the morning saying God, please don't let me think this way,please take away this fear of money. Please help me. I can't.I was at a dollar for every do my God on my knees and askGod, of course, after I clauded it for a while, to helpme with this. I did that so many times, so many ways.Finally, somewhere around nine years sober, when I was really not moving anywhere, somebody suggested I go to Bible study, and so I started going to thisBible study. I didn't really want to go, but I start goingto it because they suggested. At first I didn't want to go because Iwas scared and I don't want people laugh at me and I knew a peoplesaid it was bad. I don't know a people, somebody, and theysays it's bad. I know the book says we really lose all prejudice,even against organized religion, but that I know. That's what the book says, but the Fellowship says you shouldn't do it. You know what I mean? I don't know why. I mean...

...they were all doing it back inthirty five, thirty nine. The fellowship says don't do it and they laughat you if you do it. And God does an alcoholic I want tobe laughed at. But I had nothing to look I knew that not doingsomething out of fear is probably won't. So I started going to Bible Studyand then I love those guys so much and I met my I met mythird sponsor at sixty years sobrieties. And next me and AA. He wasa Baptist missionary, you know, wonderful, wonderful, and I'd rest the soul. And so I go there that I joined the church. Then Ibecome a deacon in that church and didn't stop it from going a A.I double my a stuff. I went a million times, a a tothe church, a lot of Bible Studies, a lot of stuff like that.All set. I started realizing that the Bible took everything. Everything theBible came from the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous, and my whole attitude andidea about things and change and stuff happened. But because I was doingthe I because I you know, it's just doing the extra credit stuff,you know, the stuff that we're not supposed to do or we don't haveto do, because I want to do everything that I want. My programis I'll do everything I'm supposed to do except for the stuff I don't wantto do. And so I and you know, I'm an alcoholic. Timethe temple a balk one of the consequences of being alcoholics has whatever you hearsomething to somebody tells you something you don't like, it pisses you off andit confuses you. So I was confused and I only saw the things Iwanted to see. An an if you came up to me and say,why don't you try this, I'd say you work your program I work likeprogram. I don't mean you know this, but there's apparently ten billion. Thisapparently six point, seven point since billion programs, and alcoholics anonymous isnot one program is. There's there's I know it says rarely haven't seen pictailwho has thoroughly followed our hen thoroughly followed best. But they really mean isdo whatever the hell you want to do and you'll get it anyway. Youknow, I know, I know most people think you can do whatever youwant to do and you'll get the rocking and fourth dimension anyway. But butapparently it has to go. The longer I'm sober and the more I wantthis thing and the more I want to have what they have, I findmyself doing the things in the big book that I don't even have to do, you know, the stuff that they were doing between nineteen thirty five andnineteen thirty nine to get the stuff they had. And so one of thethings I start reading in the big book and I don't have to worry about. I know how to do a ten step, I know how to dorepeat it inventory and I know how to do an eighth step and I knowhow to do a night step. I know how to do a ten step. We from prize, though. I know I to do a fifth stepand confess and call my sponsor. I know how to do it there.I know how to get my knees and do a third step, I knowhow to do a second step and all sort of stuff. But I whatI don't know and what I can't know and what is impossible for me todo this the sixth step. I don't know how to do a sixte Idon't know how to do it. How do you do a six step thesick of the sixth? How do you do the step. What if Idon't want to be a boy anymore? What if I want to be aman? What if I want to be like Alt Kennedy? What if Iwant to be what if I don't want to be a spectator anymore? Whatif I want to get down on the field and I want to be aplayer? How do you get down on the field to be a player?You understand what I'm saying, rather than some guy who sit in the audiencewaiting for his chance to talk about his life and what's going wrong, what'sgoing right and stuff like that, and doing the group therapy shit. Youknow what I mean. How do you become a player? You know,and how do you how do you become that thing? When you read thatsix step and it says this is what it says, it says it saysit's a step that's repeated for a lifetime. Alf You got this a lifetime,and you know how they define it. This gets really great. This getsreally you know, you talk about whacko stuff. You know the waythey defined it. Is the man who's doing the stick six step is tryingrepeatedly to grow in the image and likeness of his creator. I'm not makingthis shit up. That's what his creator...

...so I guess if your Creator isa tree, you know, or higher powers like nature or something, Imean that's pretty cool. How do you growing the image and likeness of nature? How you growing an image and not likeness of a door knock, youknow, or how much? How do you grow on the image and likenessof what? I mean? I don't know. I mean you probably can, but there they get, they get pretty crazy. They got pretty specificabout this stuff. And then they say the real problem with alcoholics in thesix step is they want to settle. And I'm going to attorney, soI know all about settling. You know, you want a million dollars, theother side wants to give you a ten dollars and you'll settle for somethingin the middle. But the problem is in the big book it says thereis no middle of the road solution. As Mathis says, half measures ofElu nothing them. You got to get rid of all your old ideas onthe result is nil, and nil is like nail, you know, andit's hard to and I'm a guy. Here's my problem. The Way Ithink, and I have this Outohot, thinking that if I do half measures, I get like fifty percent of the deal. You know, aren't Isober for nine years? Yeah, I'm sober for nine I'm sorry, Imust begin because I'm sober but I'm not happy. And what happens if you'renot happening? You're sober for twenty years or twenty five years? Maybe becomeone of those guys that I met that are that have a horrible life anda terrible life, but they just not drinking the dry drunks. Or maybeyou drinking again at fifteen or sixteen to twenty years, never understanding why youdrank again. And you drank because you're not happy with your surbriety. Andmaybe you're not happening to surpritor is because you're not really working up from angrycoopery. You've just slipped back into the old way of thinking that you canrest some sort of satisfaction out of life. And so the six steps sort ofindicates that it's not about settling for what you have now. It's themotor that runs the engine. It's the thing that drives you forward repeatedly.It's a thing that you forget what is behind and you push forward to thegoal that you somehow know, even though you're feeling crappy, you know atthe other end that there is possibly possibly for you an ability to be rocketin the fourth dimension of existence, that it's possible to experience much of heaven, that it's possible to actually get to the point. Like my sponsor toJohn Glenn when he was dying, he said, Russell, my bags arepacked, I'm ready to go, and he wasn't scared. Maybe it's maybethat's possible. I'll tell you what. What happens when you run into peoplein alcoholics, anonymous, where there aren't whether they aren't scared of other people'sjudgment? What happens when you running the people in alcoholics anonymous, where theyare different and they seem to have got to a place where they they're notscared of people in an economic insecurity, insecurity? What happens when you actuallysee the deal? You see, though you know they're few and far between. I grant you that. What happens if you start hanging out with thosepeople, you start listening to what they say and how they react to life, how they react to cancer, how they react to death, how theyreact to hard times, and you know, because my whole deal used to beif anybody called me on my reaction, I'd say, well, yeah,but happened to you, you'd act the same way, because I thoughtthat was only one way that react. I didn't know that you could bean alt Kennedy and dying of cancer and actually live a wonderful life and beeven happier than me. And I'm not, and I'm I wasn't even dying.How do you? How do you do that deal? And apparently thatthat whole six that has to do with coming to the point where you wantto God to remove every you want to utterly abandon yourself to God so muchhe becomes so important, where you want him to move every defect of characterthat could possibly come between you and a closest and relationship with him, soyou can as they say, and that and understanding that you know he's goingto give you everything you need if you just get as close as possible tohim and perform as work. Maybe the...

...most important thing comes in your lifegetting close to caut and perform in as work. Maybe it's not making moneyanymore, maybe it's not getting laid or you know, you know, happyand popular or having other people like you even or anything like that. Maybeit's just maybe when you go into a meeting, instead of trying to talkin such a way so you're trying to get people to like you, maybeyou just trying to make sure that you're that you want to make sure thatthat God appreciates what you're doing and talking about him, you know, andmaybe if you have to talk about God and talking about the Probom, aboutbots anonymous, you're actually be talking about something that where people going to actuallynot like you. I used to say to my sponsor, one of mysponsors, I said, do you still get resentments? He said yet him, I give him. I said, how do you do that? Ican't stand it if people didn't like me. Imagine it. Imagine a wife whereyou can be yourself. You don't listen to some I'll tell you something, I don't. You know, I always try to be somebody else.I always try to be that person that you would like, but the bottomline is I don't do that person real well, I don't. I can'tfake it to I you know, I do me better than I do anybodyelse. So it's so much better than so I can go to a meetingand I don't have to filter myself. I don't have to go through thewhole thing of well, if I say that, what are they going tothink? Or if I say this, what are they going to think?I can just tell them the truth the way God tells me what the truthis in my life. In my life because my experience, when a manwith experience with a man with money, the man with experience will walk awaywith the money in the men with the money will walk away. My experience. You may not like anything I say, but this is my experience and youcan't tell me what my experience was because I know exactly. I wasthere when it happened. So I know what my experience is and my experienceis the closest. The more important God became to me, the less importantyour approval of me came. The more important God came came to me.The less word I was about what kind of car was driving, the moreimportant God became to me. Less worried about I was about whether I hada girlfriend or a boyfriend or how much money I made or any of thatstuff. And I live my entire life worrying about that. You know whatit's like to live your entire life with people, live in rent free inyour head will show you know what it's like if you do it all thetime. You just don't know how to stop dealing it. That's you don'tknow how to stop worry about people. I know how that is the firstten, fifteen, twenty years our story. I'll tell you I never want togo back to that deal. I didn't get into a a for thenot drinking thing. I got day for the not drinking thing. But I'lltell you what, I want to stick around, I want to go,I want to I want to be in here for the not being scared thing. They're not fearful thing, you know. And so that's I saw all ofus unlike pavement here and it's ill. What can I tell you? I'ma product of forty years of having this crap pound into me. SoI don't I don't feel like I'm doing the steps. I sort of livethose deals. You know. I don't have to turn my life over toGod every second of the day, because I wake up thinking about God,I'll go to work thinking about God. You know, I come home thinkingabout God. I go to a meetings I'm thinking about God and talk aboutGod. I hang out with people that talk about God. If I'm askedthe same thing, I'm talking about. By the way, have I mentionedGod at all there during this meeting? Yeah, I know, that's myproblem. I talk too much about God. That's a real problem, you know. And you talk too much about people will like you. So I'msitting here with a book that says the entire thing as about see to whatyour relationship with him is. Writing. Great Events will come to pat fewand countless others. The entire book, the whole book, is to findto get you. Many are called. If your choice may God the centralfactor your life and tell other people about that. And I'm sending a fellowshipof people that say I don't want to hear that Shit. I'm sitting herewith a fellowship with people that's that really get uncomfortable when you talk about thatstuff. So I got a choice,...

Ronnie. I can talk about thatstuff because I know that's what God wants me to do, that's what theybill Wilson talked about, or I can talk in such a way that you'lllike me. So I opt to but if I talk on the way andthey try to get gain your pleasure, then the problem is I won't likeme because my self esteem, selfrespect doesn't come from what other people think aboutme anymore. Comes from a different place, comes from place where you can't takeit away from it. You never take it away from me. Youknow, car manager wrote a book called man because some self s and inthat book he said Alcoholics and men and women are out to destroy themselves becausedeep down, aside, they know they're unworthy, they're not good enough.I don't care. They can say I'm the best on the greatest. Youknow, understand how great they are, but no matter how much money andwhatever they got, their bottom line is they pretty much think that he's ashit and they would have fell themselves. That's where all those crazy diseases comebecause they have no clue as to what their purposes on the planet. Iwas told long time ago if you reach age the thirty you have no ideawhy you're here and what you're supposed to do with yourself. You're going tobe, to a certain extent Eurotic, and I was one of neurotic sonof a bitch, I can tell you that. So in any man.So I think that's what the six step is about, and it takes timeand it really has to do. It has to do with who what youwant. What do you want? What do you want? You want tobe in the not drinking clubber. Do you want to be on the field? You want to be the manor you want to be the boys? Wantto be the girl? You want to be the way you want to growup? What do you want? You know what I mean. That's thedeal, because the person you're going to be five years from now, I'mgoing to depend upon the people hang out with. Books you read and thebooks you read will definitely depend upon who hang out with. That's what thebook says. It says it. If you want what we have on arewilling to get that, go to any length to get it, then you'reready. You're not even ready unless you want we have. So the questionis, who's your we? Who is your we? Who are the peoplethat you want what they have? If you don't have if you don't havea weed, then you're your we. I guess you're not even interested inwhat we have in here. You just interested in sort of hanging around andspectating so you can get on out of here and get a new car,new Mercedes, another wife or something like that. So you'll get what youget. You know, the same address pers you'll get something out of thatand you know, then all catch on the downside. You know when youcould be like one of these guys are heard of, I say todays,is I've been I've been around a for forty you ever hear that? I'vebetter, I've been around a for forty years, but around a for fortyyears. You know, I'm not sure what them well I what it meantis he's got, you know, three months or something like that. Butyou know, you could be one of those, be around a a,you know, spectator in the bleachers right. so that'said. You want to bea grown up, you want to be rocking the fourth dimension of existence. You want to do this deal. You want to settle, or doyou want you want the big time on to go profession? That's all Ihave to say. I'm done. That's that. Burned the hour. That'smy story. I'm sticking through it.

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