AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 6 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 6 from the Coral Room Zoom February 5, 2021  

So, if not, maybe it'll get just a little bit better after me and we'll see how that works. It's privileged to be here. I have been. I'm an alcoholic. I my home group is the South Dixie Group. I'm going to put some time during this meeting. I'll put my email in the chat deal if anybody wants to get a hold of me. We have a lot of great meetings and different things we do, including workshops. You just have to get ahold of me. I'm I'm available, I'm an a A. I'm available. Tell anybody who needs help. And in any event, I've been sober for forty years. Sober forty years, married for forty years, and and I came into out box anonymous when the consequences of my drinking came at me faster than my ability to lower my standards. And that was thirty one years old when I came in and I'm seventy one now, going to be seventy two and March. I raised four children and three girls and a boy, and I got seven grandchildren and I run a lofts in Miami and that's my deal and I'm sticking to it. And so they say, a's giant toolboxes, a wrench to fit every nut that walks through the door. I don't know where I'll be your ranch. I'm just going to talk a little bit about my experience. It's not my intention to Piss anybody off, but I tend to do that every once in a while just by just naturally my talking. So in any of I just remember whenever you're disturbed, matter what the cause is, probably something wrong with you. No, no, there's something wrong with you. That's the spiritual accident, as a matter of spent the matter of fact. So in anyway, I'm going to talk a little bit about one of my favorite I think, right now in my life, at my age, after my history in a A. I think my and I've said this before, I think my favorite steps to talk about are steps six and seven. I'm going to try to explain why they're my favorite steps. I don't know what you realize this, but six and seven are are normally referred to as old timers steps, and I think I'm officially an old timer by a standards. I about five years ago, ten years ago, I had about thirty years and I was they had a they had a thing in the at the International for old timers. So I forgot to go up there and get my coffee Mug or whatever. They were given out to old timers because they have thirty years and they have prized me of the fact that that that you had have forty years and old order to be an old timer. So, but they may have moved the bar. You know, my first sponsor, one of my sponsors, Joe Sneider, told me he didn't consider it. He didn't consider me sober. He didn't consider anybody sober until they had ten years. So when I had ten years, I went up to him and I told him I had ten years. I'm sober nowiced as I'm into twenty. They're always moving bar on it and I don't know that's true. And I can be drunken an hour. I'm an alcohol gun. Parallels over this deal so and in anyway. So I'm going to explain you a little bit. Boy, six and seven is important to me because my life's the only wife. I know about my life and the life of I've gotten. I've had the privilege of sponsoring hundreds of men and working with a lot of people and I get to speak about this stuff all over the place and I'm just going to tell you what my experience is. Every once while, I'll probably slip an opinion. Is Don't don't let it. Don't. Don't get all upset about my opinions. I'll probably change my mind after I leave this meeting. Well, you'll get upset about something else. Say, why did I say that? You know and, and that's the deal. So, in any event, the reason why I you know six and seven. Let me let me just put it to you this way. Six is the step that separates the men from the boys. Now, I don't want to be called sex as my voters call me sexist.

I don't want to get into that deal. I'm old that come from a different generation. How about it separates the girls from the women? I'll put it to you this way, and this is just my opinion, and you can if you piss you off, you can leave the meet and whatever it is, complain to New York. Okay, so I used to. I used to go to when we used to have them. You can. Back in the good old days, we'd have like football games, we'd have sports, sports that you could go to. You can sit in a stadium and you have anybody ever go to like a football game or baseball game and you go to a stadium, you know what I'm talking about. And so I would go to these stadiums and I would sit in the I would sit up in the bleachers, wherever hell you sit, you know, in the stadium, and I you have to pay money to get in. You can't get in, you can't. You can't get into the stadium unless you pay, pay the money. And I would pay the money and I would go to the stadium and there would be Fiftyzero and a hundredzero people watching, spectators, factators, right. That's what they call spectators, watching the action and enjoying, to a certain extent, what was going on in the playing field. And and on the playing field they have these guys. There were got, they were players, they were football players. It would they and I think I'm pretty sure that the that even though I was there in the stadium with the football players and I was watching them and I was having a good time, I'm pretty sure that the players themselves, we're having a different experience. Understand, I think there are, there are spectators and there are players, and I think the players were having a different experience and spectators, I'm pretty much sure of it. And you know, I was in a for many years and I was a spectator and and I've run into people, I call them minors. I have a talk saying chasing the miners, following the minors, and I would run into these people in alcoholics anonymous that were different. In alcoholics anonymous number three, the boom. Yeah, yeah, Galacy, you got to use yourselves. And alcoholics anonymous in the story. Alcoholics anonymous number three. That's the story bike, Bill Dotson. Bill Dotson was the man on the bed. Third Guy into a a and he's the guy when you go into an a room that they have a poster of and he's on the bed with one of them funny t shirts and there's Bill Wilson and Dr Bob at the bedside the one thousand nine hundred thirty seven, one thousand nine hundred and thirty six, something like that, with a with a Bible and they're that was before the big book. That's what they use and talking to him and the portrait, that thing you see in the in the in the in the room, was his called came to believe, and and they were in Bill Dotson wrote, wrote his story in the big book that's called alcoholics anonymous number three. And in that story, you can check this out. It's my fact. You should check out whatever I say. But, and but, in that story, this is what he says. He was sober, he was sober for a few months or whatever it is, and he said this. He said I knew there was something more, something more than physical sobriety, something I hadn't had, something I didn't have, something a...

...person. I thought a person ought to have, a type of release, a type of happiness. I think they're talking about that rocketed into the fourth dimension deal and talked about in the big book that experience, too much of heaven thing. And he said I knew there was something more, something I hadn't have, and I was trying to find the answer. You know, may you may find yourself and alcoholics anonymous, sometimes having a good time, not drinking, being grateful for being an alcoholics anonymous. But every once in a while you might find yourself with a little anxiety. You you might find yourself at five years or ten years, feeling good, having a good time at meetings, being grateful to be being there, getting a lot out of it, with with interspersing times of incredible anxiety and fear and worried and anger. You may find yourself a ten or fifteen years, or even twenty or twenty five years in alcoholics anonymous, doing everything you think you're supposed to do, doing everything. I'm talking about doing everything, doing it by the numbers, not not the extra credit stuff, like going to church. You know, they talked about in the big book. They say, they say this line, this is a great line. They say it twice. They say we encourage church membership. Did you know they said we encourage church membership. He said it's not obligatory, he says, but most of us, most of US along to religious denominations. We bring a bright lights of those dominations. They help us out. We like we like associated with. Well, I'll call that the extra credit stuff. I'm not talking about that credit stuff. You may find yourself. You may find yourself at a point in sobriety where you feel like you're doing everything, you're doing everything an egg and you're still not happy. You know, envisioned for you, there's a line that says here and there, once in a while it's on the first page, last paragraph. Here and there, once in a while, a former drink or being drive the moment. Says I feel better, look better, having a better time. That's what a lot of us say. Says, we laugh that that Sally. We know pretty soon he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety. Soon, who will try the old deal? He says, you're he'll know loneliness is if you do. Who Wish for the jumping off place? I'll tell you something. I'll tell you. I'll tell you when it gets really rough and AGG when you're doing the whole thing and you're going to meetings and you're not having fun anymore and your restless. He will discontented and you're doing everything. You're telling it. You're doing everything. You know. Accept the stuff you don't want to do. We'll put that another category. And stuff you don't want to do. You're doing everything. You're working your program, you're working your program of recovery and you're doing everything and somehow like like out like build dots and says you know, you know there's something more, something you haven't got, and it's like the old marlborough commercials. A lot of guys are young. You wouldn't remember this, for there's some oldsters on you, the old marble commercials, to say, are you smoking more and enjoying it less? And you're going to a lot of meetings, doing a lot of stuff, and you're so busy and a a, you're so busy doing stuff that you know the truth of the matter is is that you you don't have time to actually feel like you're not really getting anywhere. But in quiet times when you're by yourself or three o'clock in the morning, when you're worried about something, you you feel like you're missing something. You hit like a glass let's say this. You hit like a glass ceiling, you know, and so you're it. You can sider what's going on. So so the bottom line is is the bottom eyes. Every once in a while you run into somebody like Bill Dotson, Buil Dotson. Ran Into Bill Wilson so in Acolson, anarmous number three,...

...he says. It says I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got and he said I was sitting in my home one afternoon with Bill Willson and my wife, Henrietta, and I was trying to find the answer. I was hanging around these guys that I thought had it. I was trying to find why they had such a release. And he said, Bill said to my wife, and this is the direct quote. I think I'm going to get it right, but you can check out. And he says Bill Wilson turned to my wife, Henrietta, and said, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, sharing me of this terrible disease that I have to keep talking about it and telling people and build notts and says and alcoholics on the see says. I think I got the answer. He said he calls it the golden text of a a. He said Bill was very, very grateful for everything that it happened to him and he gave all credit to God and he was so grateful about what God had done to him that he couldn't stop talking about and trying to tell other people. He wanted everybody know what had happened. And so here's the deal. And I had a sponsor who used to say to me things like this. You're ready, he said, rust you can talk to, talk with can you walk the wall? He'd say things like you know, rust men are called, but fewer chosen. Many are called, but fewer chosen. As what does he mean by that? You know what I mean, and you know when I went to law school they used to say look to the right of you, look to the left of you, one of those people won't be here, one of those people will not be here in two years. And it was true. They would just sort of fade out. They wouldn't be able to make the deal. You know, they couldn't keep it up. But so the bottom line is so I in order to be a member of alcoholics anonymous. In order to be a member of alcoholics anonymous, it used to be. It used to be that the only requirement for membership was an honest desire to stop drinking. As a matter of fact, between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine, if you want to go to an aiming, you had to get down on your knees. Now I'm telling you secret stuff that you may not know. Some you know about if you read Dr Bottom. Good old timers, you could not become a member of alcoholics anonymous unless you got down on your knees in front of all the other members and alcoholics anonymous and gave your life to God. Period and of story. You have to impeach some sort of prayer and have them come. You elective, your left to God and and you know, I'm not saying that you should do that or anything like that. I wouldn't want hurt anybody's feelings because I know you're sensitive like me. You're up your alcoholics. I don't want to you know, I said to my sponsor once, you know I was sensitive. He said, no, rous great artist, a sense of you just touching. So that's how you used to get day. So they said. The only requirement from membership is an honest desire to stop drinking. It says in our book envision for you. It says nobody has sunk so low not to be cordially welcome and d a a if they mean business. It was like real serious. They took this thing serious as aren't fact, it wasn't just, you know, you get out of the treatment center so you can come on in or ain't that stuff? They really had a test you. You got you. Ever, you're somebody at a meeting say things like well, they had said anything to me about God, I would I wouldn't have been here, I would have left. No, you would have even been in, you know, because you had to prove to them. You read Dr Bobom the good old timers when built, when Dr Bob goes to twelve set, clarence and brew Master and the whole twelve stuff is there and Clarence says, and Clarence walks in on I'm not Clarence. Who Was it? Dr Bob Walks in on Clarence and it's all there. righting Dr Bomb that he walks on a clarence who was thirty five years old, was hundred thirty five pounds as no money, has nothing. He's in a hospital bed and Dr Bob says how you doing? And he says what do you think about all this? And Clarence so looks somebody says, well, I don't know. And then the first question he says is do you believe in God, Young Fellow?...

And Clarence says what does that have to what does that have to do with it? and Dr Bob says everything, everything, and Clarence says, well, I guess I do. He says guess nothing. You either do or you don't. What's your decision going to do? There are no half measures, there's no middle of the road shit here. And he says, well, I do. He'says good, we're getting somewhere. No, get out of the bed and get down on your knees. We're going to have to ask them into your life. And then clarence gets down in his bed and he gets on his knees and he asked guys into his life. And this is what Clarence's words are. You check it out. Get a hold the DOC by Clarence says. He said I did what I was ordered to do. There were no suggestions. That's the way it was between nineteen thirty five and one thousand ninehundred thirty nine. They're pretty serious about this stuff, and that's how they found that whether you were honest, an honest desire to stop drink, whether you were serious, it was like a prequalification, you know. And that's just the deal. There's a leg you're going top drone opin you just on tells your own facts. So somewhere along the way they thought that was too high a bar for alcoholics. They were dealing with with sort of like what he called higher bottom alcoholics that still had their teeth, and so they took that out. So now the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. We're talking of fleeting thought. We're talking your wife is leaving you, your husband's leaving you, you losing your children, you got arrested, who know? The judge said, you know, you want to go. You know, you wanted to achieve and they said, you want to try it out or tell you know, like auditioning a a. You know, you know, it's not like it was before. We had to prove that you were the you had to prove you were serious. Now you had a members begging you to come on in, you know, and all that sort of stuff, and so and so they took out that line. They said now the only requirement for membership is desire, mere desire, desire to stop drinking, whatever that is. And the bottom line is is that and that would get you into the that that would get you into the stadium. That would get you into the stadium. That was the Auntie to get into the stadium. That would get you into the closed meetings. All you need to get into the closed meetings was a desire to stop drinking. Every once in a while you would be an AA and you weren't drinking and nobody else was drinking and everybody else seemed physically sober and every once in a while you would run in, you run into something like like bill dots and ran into brand rant in the bill will said. You would run into somebody an AA, you'd hear somebody in a and you realize that you were sober. They were sober, but they had something you didn't have. I don't know how to explain it to you because it happened to me a lot when I was growing up an A. I would I was constantly running and running into men it or listening to men or women and I said, man, I know I'm sober, but I don't know whatever. I don't know whatever's going on their lives. I don't have it in my life because I'm a lack job, I'm a watch, I'm a thumbsucking crybaby. I mean, I'm sober, but I'm telling you, every other night I'm up at three o'clock the morning running about, worrying about the money and I'm worrying about this and I'm worried about that, and my ninety percent of my shares, and alcoholics anonymously, I do share, is complaining about my life or complain about my wife, or complaining about the money. Your complaint. I'm complaining, I'm complaining, I'm complaint, I'm an if only are and a yes butter and everything would be okay. If they want to listen to me and they don't know who they're dealing with. It's why is this all only happen? Why is this always happened to me? And what am I going to get better? Why can't I feel better? And I'm depressed. I'm very depressed that I had a lot of crazy shit going on in my life, and I did. And there were other guys like Al Kennedy, where I went...

...to a meeting and he was I was four months ober or four or five months Ober, and my sponsored me meeting. This guy had about thirty five years and and he gave this incredible talk and it was helping people and it was just a onesful person. I was so attracted to him and I asked my sponsor what group people belong to. I'd really like to hang out with him, and my sponsor told me he was dying of cancer and he had six months to live. And I told my sponsor, no, I'm talking about the guy just spoken. He said, yeah, I'll Kennedy. He's got six months to live. He's dying of cancer, and I said he didn't say anthing about that and said, I know. He says he was just trying to help people. You look happy. Says he is happy, but he's got six months to live. And I looked to that guy and let me tell you some my vision as far as but AA was blew up at that time. I thought it was a not drinking club. Everybody had talks so much about not drinking, not drink and not drinking. Don't drink unless your ass falls off picking up chips for not drink and do all that stuff. That's what I thought as all about. Don't drink and go to meeting. You know, I was told a million times you could screw everything else if you haven't had drink. Their success, and I believe that if you're an alcoholic. But the bottom line is is that's what he told me. He said he's got six months to live, and I and the bottom line is is I thought it was a not drinking club and this guy was in the not being scared of dying club. He was in the not being scared of Dying Club, and I had made it to that club, you know. So I had my ticket because I had to desire to stop drinking to get into the stadium. But I realized there were guys that were players and they were on the field and they had something that I wanted, but I didn't know how to have it, I didn't know how to get it, I didn't even understand it. They were so different from me. They they were as different they're what they had, their idea of sobriety was so different from me. They were about as different from me as I was from a drunk. And of course I wanted it, but I didn't know how to get it and I didn't know where I was going to get it or any of that stuff. And and it's a rare thing, you know. And I wanted what they had and I was wontly got anyway together, but I didn't have any idea to do it. And of course one of the bad things about it is is that I'm an alcoholic. So I wanted immediately, you know, that's why I drag you. The great thing about drink as it works pretty fast. Nothing the woman, no car, no mental money, really works quite as fast, you know, quite as well as just a few drinks. You know, have to wait just whack whack, you know, just lap them down, you know. And and I don't want to make no ten, twenty, thirty five. I wanted what he had a thirty five years at three months. You know, that's what I wanted. I wanted that to so somewhere around the the the the last page, the last page of the big board, page one hundred and sixty four. If you read the last page, they'll tell you something. It'll tell you something if you sort of read book between lines. You don't even have to read between lines, you just have to read exactly what they say in there, and what they say on the last page of that book talks about another, another fellowship in the air. They talk about a whole other fellowship within AA, inside of it. That's called the fellowship of the spirit. It says you will show it, you will surely join some of us in the fellowship of the spirit. Now, of course you may think it's your opinion, entitled to it, that if you come to a a and you just have a desire to stop drinking, you are like automatically in the fellowship of the spirit. But there's a possibility, you might want to think about this, that you may just be a spectator. That fellowship of the spirit might be a little bit smaller than the entire group of alcoholics anonymous. Because if you read the last page, it talks about what you have to be...

...in order to be in the fellowship of the spirit. It talks about the first thing it says is you have to abandon yourself to God, a bit utterly abandon yourself to God. You know what it says in and there's a solution. It says, if you want to be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence, those are the people that are in the fellowship of the spirit. They all Kennedy's. If you want to be rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence, if you want to experience much of Heaven, it says the great fact is this and nothing less, and they repeat that great fact, that says this is the great fact. On the last page it's nothing less than this. It says. God has to be the central fact of your life. God has to be the central fact of your life. It says you have to be convinced that he lives in your heart and mind in a way which is indeed miraculous, that he is doing for you what you can't do for yourself, though you know I can't. I don't know how to be not scared of dying, but I'll tell you a lot. And I don't know how to be not scared of being broke. And I don't know how to be not worried about my life and the things in my life, and I don't know how not to be jealous or how not to be angry. We're not to be restless. I don't know how not to keep on telling myself I'm a loser, I'm an Asshole, and how to kill myself. I don't know how to not stop in stop comparing my insides with other people's outsides. I don't know how to not keep on telling myself if only I had this or only I had that, I'd be okay. I don't know how to not stop spending money. I don't have to buy crap, I don't need to impress people I don't like. I don't know how to not stop saying to myself I don't give a crep what other people think about me, when I'm so worried about what people are thinking about me. I don't know how not to have fear of other people. They say we'll lose fear of I don't know how to not do that when, when I'm not only enough an alcohol, alcohol, I'm up. Please love me a haul it, please accept me, a haul it, please tell me I'm great. A haul it, when I have all those other Halic things going on that doesn't even have anything to do with drinking, which is a symptom, which is just the symptom. I disease, that, the real disease, senters in my mind and I don't know how to get rid of it and only all the thinking of the world just makes me more crazy. I don't know how not to do that. But I'll tell you what I've discovered. God can do all that. You Make God the central fact of Your Life, you'll do all that. You'll rock in you the fourth dimension. Now I wish I could tell you that you get down on your knees three or four months or year sober and you do the third step, prayer, and you will be bamed convinced that he is living in your hearts and minds in a way which is a de Miraculous. But I'll tell you that shit just think going to happen that way, because I wasn't convinced, because if I was convinced of everything I just told you, I would never be worried again. I wouldn't be up at three o'clock morning worried about stuff or why I'm alone, or worried of whying about why I'm so unworthy. You know, I wouldn't be worried about that sort of stuff. I'd be rocking in the fourth dimension. I wouldn't. But you see, my problem is God isn't really the central fact of my life. I'm really not convinced. I'm running after you know, it's like I'm spinning plates. I got a God played over here, I got a car plate over here, I've got I've got a woman played over here, I got a sex plate over here, I got a money played over here. I'm spinning plates. I'm running around the stage spinning these plates and every once want one place starts wobbling. I start spending the money play and I spend the sex plate. That's been the woman. Take play. Don't spinning all these plates around. And let me tell you something. Why. My life is divided it up. Room this is my wife is divided up into cert all sorts of plates in this world and...

...trying to manage my life. I know they say we can't manage our life. I know they say that no human power can get US sober. I know they say only God couldn't. What if he was sought? I know they say in the big book that there is one who has all powered, that one is God. They you find them. Now. I know that there's seven point six billion people in the world and if it's God as you understand them, I guess there's seven point six billion gods. And if there's seven point six billion gods, I guess there's probably no God at all. It's whatever you decide you want God to be. But I know they say in the big book that once we make that decision, that we got to get rid of the selfish this we muster feels us, and God makes that possible. I know they say once to make that decision, all sorts remarking things happen. Being all powerful. Apparently there's only one God. He's all powerful. There maybe seven point six billion people who think they have a certain idea who god is, but he's all powerful and there's only one. There's not seven point six billion that are all power. There's only one and I guess the bottom line is he'll give me everything I need if I stay close to him. So I got it close to him, whoever he is, and I've got to play close to him and do his works well, and apparently has some work for me to do, which has something to do with does that have to do with sex or getting laid or money or anything that or any of these things? That has to do with helping other people and serving him and loving other people, says. But how do you get there? My whole life is about worrying about worldly class members and money, property and prestees, just like you, Wilson. How do you get to that deal, if that's the deal? And so the bottom line is I work these steps and I work these steps and I work these suckers over and over. Goat like like what does that karate kid like? Wax On, lacks off, laps on, laps off, lacks on, the locks off, and I noticed that they actually work. They start working. I start getting better. I knew the WAX on. I do the fourth step ten million times. Well, we call it the ten step. When you do it. I do the ten step ten million times. I go through repeated humiliations thousands and thousands of time. I get new perspectives on thing as I'm going up. You know, I learned the value of suffering. You know, I do the steps so many times. I do so many, so many amends, so many fourth steps, so intense steps, so many fifth steps, sponsoring, so many people, served it the whole bit everything. I do it by the numbers so many time. Well, at least the things you're ob we get to do so many times, not the extra credit stuff. You know, I do it so many times that after a while I find I'm not even doing the steps. I'm not even doing them, I'm living them, you know, because I used to live a life that the man's rigorous dishonesty, because I'm a rationalizer. I told myself rationalize, I tell myself shit better. That's untrue. And I do this stuff over and over again until I'm actually doing it. But I'm not where. When I was a year somber man, I knew what I was doing the steps. Oh, I knew exactly when I was doing the steps. I knew what I was doing a fist that. I knew what I was doing it for step. I knew when I was doing a third step. I got on my knee so many times at three o'clock in the morning saying God, please don't let me think this way, please take away this fear of money. Please help me. I can't. I was at a dollar for every do my God on my knees and ask God, of course, after I clauded it for a while, to help me with this. I did that so many times, so many ways. Finally, somewhere around nine years sober, when I was really not moving anywhere, somebody suggested I go to Bible study, and so I started going to this Bible study. I didn't really want to go, but I start going to it because they suggested. At first I didn't want to go because I was scared and I don't want people laugh at me and I knew a people said it was bad. I don't know a people, somebody, and they says it's bad. I know the book says we really lose all prejudice, even against organized religion, but that I know. That's what the book says, but the Fellowship says you shouldn't do it. You know what I mean? I don't know why. I mean...

...they were all doing it back in thirty five, thirty nine. The fellowship says don't do it and they laugh at you if you do it. And God does an alcoholic I want to be laughed at. But I had nothing to look I knew that not doing something out of fear is probably won't. So I started going to Bible Study and then I love those guys so much and I met my I met my third sponsor at sixty years sobrieties. And next me and AA. He was a Baptist missionary, you know, wonderful, wonderful, and I'd rest the soul. And so I go there that I joined the church. Then I become a deacon in that church and didn't stop it from going a A. I double my a stuff. I went a million times, a a to the church, a lot of Bible Studies, a lot of stuff like that. All set. I started realizing that the Bible took everything. Everything the Bible came from the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous, and my whole attitude and idea about things and change and stuff happened. But because I was doing the I because I you know, it's just doing the extra credit stuff, you know, the stuff that we're not supposed to do or we don't have to do, because I want to do everything that I want. My program is I'll do everything I'm supposed to do except for the stuff I don't want to do. And so I and you know, I'm an alcoholic. Time the temple a balk one of the consequences of being alcoholics has whatever you hear something to somebody tells you something you don't like, it pisses you off and it confuses you. So I was confused and I only saw the things I wanted to see. An an if you came up to me and say, why don't you try this, I'd say you work your program I work like program. I don't mean you know this, but there's apparently ten billion. This apparently six point, seven point since billion programs, and alcoholics anonymous is not one program is. There's there's I know it says rarely haven't seen pictail who has thoroughly followed our hen thoroughly followed best. But they really mean is do whatever the hell you want to do and you'll get it anyway. You know, I know, I know most people think you can do whatever you want to do and you'll get the rocking and fourth dimension anyway. But but apparently it has to go. The longer I'm sober and the more I want this thing and the more I want to have what they have, I find myself doing the things in the big book that I don't even have to do, you know, the stuff that they were doing between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine to get the stuff they had. And so one of the things I start reading in the big book and I don't have to worry about. I know how to do a ten step, I know how to do repeat it inventory and I know how to do an eighth step and I know how to do a night step. I know how to do a ten step. We from prize, though. I know I to do a fifth step and confess and call my sponsor. I know how to do it there. I know how to get my knees and do a third step, I know how to do a second step and all sort of stuff. But I what I don't know and what I can't know and what is impossible for me to do this the sixth step. I don't know how to do a sixte I don't know how to do it. How do you do a six step the sick of the sixth? How do you do the step. What if I don't want to be a boy anymore? What if I want to be a man? What if I want to be like Alt Kennedy? What if I want to be what if I don't want to be a spectator anymore? What if I want to get down on the field and I want to be a player? How do you get down on the field to be a player? You understand what I'm saying, rather than some guy who sit in the audience waiting for his chance to talk about his life and what's going wrong, what's going right and stuff like that, and doing the group therapy shit. You know what I mean. How do you become a player? You know, and how do you how do you become that thing? When you read that six step and it says this is what it says, it says it says it's a step that's repeated for a lifetime. Alf You got this a lifetime, and you know how they define it. This gets really great. This gets really you know, you talk about whacko stuff. You know the way they defined it. Is the man who's doing the stick six step is trying repeatedly to grow in the image and likeness of his creator. I'm not making this shit up. That's what his creator...

...so I guess if your Creator is a tree, you know, or higher powers like nature or something, I mean that's pretty cool. How do you growing the image and likeness of nature? How you growing an image and not likeness of a door knock, you know, or how much? How do you grow on the image and likeness of what? I mean? I don't know. I mean you probably can, but there they get, they get pretty crazy. They got pretty specific about this stuff. And then they say the real problem with alcoholics in the six step is they want to settle. And I'm going to attorney, so I know all about settling. You know, you want a million dollars, the other side wants to give you a ten dollars and you'll settle for something in the middle. But the problem is in the big book it says there is no middle of the road solution. As Mathis says, half measures of Elu nothing them. You got to get rid of all your old ideas on the result is nil, and nil is like nail, you know, and it's hard to and I'm a guy. Here's my problem. The Way I think, and I have this Outohot, thinking that if I do half measures, I get like fifty percent of the deal. You know, aren't I sober for nine years? Yeah, I'm sober for nine I'm sorry, I must begin because I'm sober but I'm not happy. And what happens if you're not happening? You're sober for twenty years or twenty five years? Maybe become one of those guys that I met that are that have a horrible life and a terrible life, but they just not drinking the dry drunks. Or maybe you drinking again at fifteen or sixteen to twenty years, never understanding why you drank again. And you drank because you're not happy with your surbriety. And maybe you're not happening to surpritor is because you're not really working up from angry coopery. You've just slipped back into the old way of thinking that you can rest some sort of satisfaction out of life. And so the six steps sort of indicates that it's not about settling for what you have now. It's the motor that runs the engine. It's the thing that drives you forward repeatedly. It's a thing that you forget what is behind and you push forward to the goal that you somehow know, even though you're feeling crappy, you know at the other end that there is possibly possibly for you an ability to be rocket in the fourth dimension of existence, that it's possible to experience much of heaven, that it's possible to actually get to the point. Like my sponsor to John Glenn when he was dying, he said, Russell, my bags are packed, I'm ready to go, and he wasn't scared. Maybe it's maybe that's possible. I'll tell you what. What happens when you run into people in alcoholics, anonymous, where there aren't whether they aren't scared of other people's judgment? What happens when you running the people in alcoholics anonymous, where they are different and they seem to have got to a place where they they're not scared of people in an economic insecurity, insecurity? What happens when you actually see the deal? You see, though you know they're few and far between. I grant you that. What happens if you start hanging out with those people, you start listening to what they say and how they react to life, how they react to cancer, how they react to death, how they react to hard times, and you know, because my whole deal used to be if anybody called me on my reaction, I'd say, well, yeah, but happened to you, you'd act the same way, because I thought that was only one way that react. I didn't know that you could be an alt Kennedy and dying of cancer and actually live a wonderful life and be even happier than me. And I'm not, and I'm I wasn't even dying. How do you? How do you do that deal? And apparently that that whole six that has to do with coming to the point where you want to God to remove every you want to utterly abandon yourself to God so much he becomes so important, where you want him to move every defect of character that could possibly come between you and a closest and relationship with him, so you can as they say, and that and understanding that you know he's going to give you everything you need if you just get as close as possible to him and perform as work. Maybe the...

...most important thing comes in your life getting close to caut and perform in as work. Maybe it's not making money anymore, maybe it's not getting laid or you know, you know, happy and popular or having other people like you even or anything like that. Maybe it's just maybe when you go into a meeting, instead of trying to talk in such a way so you're trying to get people to like you, maybe you just trying to make sure that you're that you want to make sure that that God appreciates what you're doing and talking about him, you know, and maybe if you have to talk about God and talking about the Probom, about bots anonymous, you're actually be talking about something that where people going to actually not like you. I used to say to my sponsor, one of my sponsors, I said, do you still get resentments? He said yet him, I give him. I said, how do you do that? I can't stand it if people didn't like me. Imagine it. Imagine a wife where you can be yourself. You don't listen to some I'll tell you something, I don't. You know, I always try to be somebody else. I always try to be that person that you would like, but the bottom line is I don't do that person real well, I don't. I can't fake it to I you know, I do me better than I do anybody else. So it's so much better than so I can go to a meeting and I don't have to filter myself. I don't have to go through the whole thing of well, if I say that, what are they going to think? Or if I say this, what are they going to think? I can just tell them the truth the way God tells me what the truth is in my life. In my life because my experience, when a man with experience with a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money in the men with the money will walk away. My experience. You may not like anything I say, but this is my experience and you can't tell me what my experience was because I know exactly. I was there when it happened. So I know what my experience is and my experience is the closest. The more important God became to me, the less important your approval of me came. The more important God came came to me. The less word I was about what kind of car was driving, the more important God became to me. Less worried about I was about whether I had a girlfriend or a boyfriend or how much money I made or any of that stuff. And I live my entire life worrying about that. You know what it's like to live your entire life with people, live in rent free in your head will show you know what it's like if you do it all the time. You just don't know how to stop dealing it. That's you don't know how to stop worry about people. I know how that is the first ten, fifteen, twenty years our story. I'll tell you I never want to go back to that deal. I didn't get into a a for the not drinking thing. I got day for the not drinking thing. But I'll tell you what, I want to stick around, I want to go, I want to I want to be in here for the not being scared thing. They're not fearful thing, you know. And so that's I saw all of us unlike pavement here and it's ill. What can I tell you? I'm a product of forty years of having this crap pound into me. So I don't I don't feel like I'm doing the steps. I sort of live those deals. You know. I don't have to turn my life over to God every second of the day, because I wake up thinking about God, I'll go to work thinking about God. You know, I come home thinking about God. I go to a meetings I'm thinking about God and talk about God. I hang out with people that talk about God. If I'm asked the same thing, I'm talking about. By the way, have I mentioned God at all there during this meeting? Yeah, I know, that's my problem. I talk too much about God. That's a real problem, you know. And you talk too much about people will like you. So I'm sitting here with a book that says the entire thing as about see to what your relationship with him is. Writing. Great Events will come to pat few and countless others. The entire book, the whole book, is to find to get you. Many are called. If your choice may God the central factor your life and tell other people about that. And I'm sending a fellowship of people that say I don't want to hear that Shit. I'm sitting here with a fellowship with people that's that really get uncomfortable when you talk about that stuff. So I got a choice,...

Ronnie. I can talk about that stuff because I know that's what God wants me to do, that's what they bill Wilson talked about, or I can talk in such a way that you'll like me. So I opt to but if I talk on the way and they try to get gain your pleasure, then the problem is I won't like me because my self esteem, selfrespect doesn't come from what other people think about me anymore. Comes from a different place, comes from place where you can't take it away from it. You never take it away from me. You know, car manager wrote a book called man because some self s and in that book he said Alcoholics and men and women are out to destroy themselves because deep down, aside, they know they're unworthy, they're not good enough. I don't care. They can say I'm the best on the greatest. You know, understand how great they are, but no matter how much money and whatever they got, their bottom line is they pretty much think that he's a shit and they would have fell themselves. That's where all those crazy diseases come because they have no clue as to what their purposes on the planet. I was told long time ago if you reach age the thirty you have no idea why you're here and what you're supposed to do with yourself. You're going to be, to a certain extent Eurotic, and I was one of neurotic son of a bitch, I can tell you that. So in any man. So I think that's what the six step is about, and it takes time and it really has to do. It has to do with who what you want. What do you want? What do you want? You want to be in the not drinking clubber. Do you want to be on the field? You want to be the manor you want to be the boys? Want to be the girl? You want to be the way you want to grow up? What do you want? You know what I mean. That's the deal, because the person you're going to be five years from now, I'm going to depend upon the people hang out with. Books you read and the books you read will definitely depend upon who hang out with. That's what the book says. It says it. If you want what we have on are willing to get that, go to any length to get it, then you're ready. You're not even ready unless you want we have. So the question is, who's your we? Who is your we? Who are the people that you want what they have? If you don't have if you don't have a weed, then you're your we. I guess you're not even interested in what we have in here. You just interested in sort of hanging around and spectating so you can get on out of here and get a new car, new Mercedes, another wife or something like that. So you'll get what you get. You know, the same address pers you'll get something out of that and you know, then all catch on the downside. You know when you could be like one of these guys are heard of, I say todays, is I've been I've been around a for forty you ever hear that? I've better, I've been around a for forty years, but around a for forty years. You know, I'm not sure what them well I what it meant is he's got, you know, three months or something like that. But you know, you could be one of those, be around a a, you know, spectator in the bleachers right. so that'said. You want to be a grown up, you want to be rocking the fourth dimension of existence. You want to do this deal. You want to settle, or do you want you want the big time on to go profession? That's all I have to say. I'm done. That's that. Burned the hour. That's my story. I'm sticking through it.

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