AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 9 months ago

Russell S. Step 6 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 6 from the Coral Room Zoom February 5, 2021  

O, if not maybe it'll get just a littlebit better after the mean we'll see how that works. It's privileged to be here, I have been I'm an alcoholic imy home group. Is the SAPTIXI group,I'm GOINNA put seventime during this meeting up with my email in the Chacteao. If anybody wantsto get home and Ma, we have a lot of great meetings and different things. Wedo including workshops. You just have to get a hold of me. I'm available, I'man AA, I'm available, tell f anybody who needs help and in any event, I've been sober for forty years. Soberforforty years, married for forty years and and II came ith doutbox anonyous, when theconsequences of my drinking came out me faster than my ability, lower mystandards, and that was thirty one years old. When I came in and I'mseventy one now going to be. Seventy two and March IV raised for children and three girls and a boy, and I got sevengrandchildren and I run loffs in Miami. That's my deal and I'm sticking to it,and so they say es a giant toolboxes, a wrench to fit every nut that walksthouh the door. I don't know whe there I'll be your wrench, I'm just going totalk a little bit about my experience. It's not my intention to Piss anybodyoff, but I tend to do that every once in a while, just by just naturally myToky. So when any, I just remember whenever you disturbed a matter, whatthe cause is probably something wrong with you. No, no there's somethingwrong with you. That's a spiritual accent as a matter of matter of fact,so in anymay I'm going to talk littit about one of my favorit that I thinkright now in my life at my age after my history in Aa. I thank my and I've said this before. Ithink my favorite steps to talk about our step. Six and seven I'm going totry to explain why they're my favorite steps- I don't know what you realizethis, but six and seven a are normally referred to as ALD timer steps, and I think I'm officially an old time bystandard ie about five years ago or ten years ago had about thirty years, and I was theyhad a. They had a thing in the at the International for old timer. So Iforgot to go up there and get my coffee Mug or whatever they were given out toOll timeers because they have thirty years and they apprized me of a fact that that that you had have forty years in allorder to be an old timer. So but they may have moved the bar. You know myfirst sponser one of my sponsors, Joe Sniner, told me he didn't consider anhe didn't consimt Le Over. He didn't consider anybody Soer until they hadten years. So when I I had ten years, I went up to him and I told H M. I hadten years I'm sober Nis on and hey're always moving bar on Yot and I don'tknow whe, that's sure I coan be drunkin an hour, I'm an alcoholic, I'm proud ofsome of this deal so and and anyhay. So I'm going to explain you a little bit F,Biy, six and seven is important to me because my wife's, the only life I knowabout my life in the life of I've Goand I've had the privilege ofsponsoring hundreds of men and working with a lot of people, and I get to speak about this stuff allover the place and I'm just gonna tell you what my experience is: every one ina while I'll, probably slip an opinion, don't don't let it don't get all upsetabout my opinion. So I'll, probably change my mind after I leave thismeeting. We you'll get upset about something I'lse like. Why did I saythat you know and and that's the deal so in any ment? The reason why you knowsix and seven? Let me let me just put it you this way. Six is the step that separates the menfrom the boys. Now I don't want to be...

...called sexist. My daughter's Calli mesexes. I don't want on get into that deal, I'm ALD that come from adifferent generation. How about it, separates the growth fromthe women. I'll put it to you, this wlay- and thisis just my opinion and you can. If you pissis off, you can leave the meanngwhatever it is complain to New York. Okay, so I used to I used to go to when we used to have them you back inthe good old days, we'd have like football games. We' have sports sportsthat you could go to Butd sit in a stadium, and you have anybody ever goto like a football game or baseball game and you go to a stadium. You don'tknow what I'm talking about, and so I would go to these stadiums andI would sit in the. I would sit up in the bleachers owherever hell, you sit, you know in the stadium and you have pay money to get in. You can't get in you can't you can'tget into the stadium unless you pay pay the money and I would pay the money andI would go to the stadium and there would be fiftythousand and a hundredthousand people watching spectators, factaes right, that's whatthey call spectators, watching the action and enjoying, to a certainextent what was going on on the playing field and and on the plane field. They hadthese guys. They were, they were players, they were football players,you with me, and I think I'm pretty sure that the that, even though I was therein the stadium with the football players- and I was watching them- and Iwas having a good time- I'm pretty sure that the players themselves were havinga different experience Tan. I think there are there spectatorsand there are players, and I think the players were having adifferent experience in the spectators, I'm pretty much sure of it, and you know I was in a for many yearsand I was a spectator and, and I've run into people, I call themminors. I have a tolp saying: chaseing the minors following the moters and Iwould run into these people in alcohols. Anonymous Tbat were different, an alcohol's anonymous number three ack in the Bo yea cas you Gota Musiand, alcoholics,anonymous in the in the story, alt poxanonusnumber: three, that's the story by Bill Dockson Bill Dotson was the man on thebed; third guyint and he's the guy when you go into an a room that they have a poster of and he's onthe bed with one of them funny tshirts and there's Bill Wals, an the Dr Bob atthe bedside in one thousand, nine hundred and thirty, seven, one thousandnine hundred and thirty six. Something like that with a with a Bible andTheyre as Thi was before the big block, that's what they used and talking tohim and the the portrait that thing you see in the in the Nand, the rooms is called, came tobelieve and, and they were in bill. Dotsonwrote wrote his story in the big book. That's called Alcohois an Omus numberthree and in that story, and you can check this ot as myt fact. You shouldcheck out of whatever I say, but and but in that story this is what hesays. He was sober. He was sober for a few months or whatever it is, and hesaid this he said I knew there was something more something more than physical sobriety,something I hadn't had something I didn't have...

...something a person. I thought a personought to have a type of release, a type of happiness. I think they're talking about thatRocketin into the fourt dimension, deal e talked about in the big book thatexperience to much of heaven thing, and he said I knew there was somethingmore something I hadn't have and I was trying to find the answer you know: May you may find yourself andalcoholics anonymous, sometimes having a good time, not drinking beinggrateful for being an altohox anonymous, but every once or all you might findyourself with a long anxiety. Yyou might find yourself at five yearsor ten years, feeling good having a good time atmeetings being grateful to be being there getting a lot out of it with with the interpersing times of incredible anxiety and fear,and worry and anger. You may find yourself at ten or fifteenyears, or even twenty or twenty five years in alpoxs anonymous doing everything you think you'resupposed to do doing everything, I'm talking about doing everything, doingit by the numbers, not not the extra predit stuff like going to church. Youknow they talk about in the big book. They say they say this line. This is agreat line, they say twice. They say we encourage church membership, but youknow they said e. We encourage church membership, he said it's not abligatory, he says, but most of us most of us belong to religious denominations.We Bring Otte, bright lights, those nominations they help us out. We like we like Associate II'll, call that theextra credit stuff I'm not talking about the es credit stuff. You may findyourself. You may find yourself at a point insobriety where you feel like you're, doing everything you're doingeverything in a and you still not happen. You know advision fo, IOU, there's aline that says here and there once in a while. It's on the first page, let'sparagrap here and there once in a whili former drinker being dried at themoment, says I feel better, look better having a better time. That's what a lotof us say says we laughed hat that sallly. We know pretty soon he's goingto try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety soon. He'llwell, try the old deal, he says, Ol know loneliness is or you do do, whowish for the jumping Ark Place. I'll tell you something I'll. Take I'll tellyou when it gets really rough and a when you're doing the whole thing andyou going to meetings and you're not having fun anymore, end you're, restless, Hare a littlediscontented and you're doing everything. You Tell H, you're doingeverything you know except the stuff. You don't want to do well, put that ninnother category and stuff. You don't want to do you're, doing everything,you're working your program, you're working, your program of recovery and you're, doing everything andsomehow like like up like bill, dochs and says you know, you know, there'ssomething more something you haven't got and it's like the old Larborocommercials. A lot of you guys are young. You wouldn't remember this, butthere's some oldsters Onyer, the old marbl commercials to say: Are yousmoking more and enjoying it less and you're, going to a lot of meetingsit doing a lot of stuff and you're so busy and Aa you're so busy doing stuffthat you know the truth of the matter is: Is that you, you don't have time to actually feel like you're, not really gettinganywhere, but in quiet times when you're by yourself for three o'clock inthe morning, when you're worried about something y, you feel like you'remissing something you hit like a glast. Let's say of this:You hit like a a glass ceiling, you know, and so you're you're concerned.What's going on so so the bottom line is, is the bottis every once in a while? Yourun into somebody like Bill Dockson Bill Dotson ran into Bill Wilson, so inof Austin I'Ma onous number three, he...

...says it says I knew there was somethingmore something I hadn't got and he said I was sitting in my home one afternoon with Bill Walsono, mywife Henrietta and I was trying to find the answer. Iwas hanging around these guys that I thought had and I was trying to findwhy they had such a release, and he said Bill said to my wife, and thisis the direct bote. I think I'm going to get it right, but you can check onand he says Bill Wilson tred to my wife and Rietta and said Henrietta. The Lord has been so wonderful to me.Shering me of this terrible disease that I have to keep talking about itand telling people the bill. Dotson says and a'lbox in Tesae says. I think I got the answer. He said he calls it. The golden text of Aahe said Bill was very very grateful for everything that had happened to himand he gave all credit to God and he was so grateful about what God had doneto him, that he couldn't stop talking about and trying to tell other peoplehe wanted. Everybody know what had happened and so here's a deal and I had a sponsorwho used to say to me things like this aready, you said Russ, you can talk totalk, but can tou walk the wall. He'd say things like you know, rust man arecall, but fewer chosen. Many your call, but fuer Jos. What doeshe mean by that? You know what I mean and you know when I went to law school.They used to say, look to the right of you. Looked at the left of you. One ofthose people won't be here. One of those people ill not be here intwo years, and it was true they would just sort of fade out. They wouldn't beable to make the deal. You know they couldn't keep it up, but so the bottom line is so in order to bea member of alcoholics anonymous in order to be a member of altcomsanonymous, it used to be it used to be that the only requireent for membershipwas an honest desire to stop drinking as a matter of fact, betweeone thousandnine hundred and thirty five in one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine.If you want to go to an aming, you had to get down on your knees. NowI'm telling you secret stuff that you may not know somehin you know about. Ifyou read Doctabom Gootol Tarmers, you could not become a member of alchohosanonymous unless you got down on your knees in front of all the other membersand alcphoxonomos and gave your life to God period and Uf storic you'd have torempeat some sort of prayer and have becoming your left. I elect to God, and-and you know, I'm not saying that you should do that or anything like that. Iwouldn't want to hurt anybody's feelings, because I know you'resensitive. Like me, you'Renot you're alcoholics. I don't want to you know. Isaid to my sponsor once you know I was sensitive. He said no rust greatartists are Sensein, you're just touchy, so that's how you used to get Daa, sothey they said. The only quimeer from evership is an honest desire to stopdrinking. It says in our book Anvision for you. It says nobody assum so lownot to be cordially welcome in Toa. If they mean business, it was like realserious. They took this thing serious as Ari. Think it wasn't just you knowyou get out of the treatment center, so you can come on in Ra that stuff theyreally had a test. Hey you, you got. You ever hear somebody an a meeting saythings like Welli. They had said anything to me about God. I would haveI wouldn't have been here. I would laugh. No, you wouldnt have even beenin you know because you had proved to them. You read Dctor Bom, the good oldtimers when Builtwan Dr Bob goes to Twelv, set plarens Rommaster and thewhole twelve step. Is there and Claren says in Clarence walks in on? I'm? Notclaents, who was it Dr Bob Walks in on Clarenceand it's all there rihing back tebomte. He walks on my clarence. Whe was thirtyfive years old with hundred and thirty five pounds as no money has nothinghe's in a hospital bed and Doctobob says how you doing, and he says what doyou think about all this and clan? So look somebedy says. Well, I don't know,and then the first question he says is:...

Do you believe in God, young fellow andClarence says what does that happen to what does that have to do with it? andDr Bob says everything everything and Clarene says? Well, I guess I do hesays Yess, nothing, you either do or you don't. What's your decision goingto be? There are no half measures, there's no middle of the road shit hereand he says. Well, I do he says good we're getting somewhere now get out ofthe bed and get down on your knees, we're going to have to ask them intoyour life and then clarence gets down in his bed and he gets on his knees andhe asks Gods into his life, and this is what Clarence's words are you check itout, get ahold the DOTMO Farenc says he said I did what I was ordered to do.There were no suggestions, that's the way. It was between N Nine T,thirty, five and nine thirty nine. They were pretty serious about this stuffand that's how they found that, with you were honest, an honest desire tostop trik when you were serious, it was like a prequalification, you know, andthat's just the deal just a way you, your top thron thing you just don'ttell to you on fact, so, somewhere along the way they thought that was toohigh a bar for alcoholics. They were dealing with sort of like what do youcall higher bottom alcohols that still had their teeth, and so they took thatout. So now the only requirement for membership is it desire to stopdrinking we're talking of leading thought we're talking. Your wife isleaving your husband's leaving you're losing your children. You got Ta rested,who know the judge said You knon you ougt to go. You know you wanted to atreat ant. They said you ought to try it out. We talk you like additionallyNaa. You know, you know it's not like it was before we had a prove that youwere the you had approve. You were serious now you had a members beggingyou to come on in you know all that sort of stuff, and so, and sothey took out that line they said now. The only requirement for metership isthe desire, mere desig desire to stop drinking whatever. That is, and the bottom line is, is that andthat would get you into the that would get you into the stadium. thow would get you into the stadiumthat was the Auntie to get into the stadium. Now we get you into the closed meetings.All you need to get into the closed. meatings was a desire to stop drinking every once in a while. You would be anAA and you weren't drinking and nobody else was drinking and everybody elseseemed physically sober and every once in a while, you would run in Youd runinto something like like build dots and ran into Grand Ranton the bill wilsa. You wouldrun into somebody in Aa you'd hear somebody in a and you realized that youwere sober. They were sober, but they had something you didn't have. I don't know how to explain it to you,because it happened to me a lot when I was growing up in a I would. Iwas constantly running and running into men or listening to men or women, and Isaid man. I know I'm sober, but I don't know whatever I don't know whateverit's going on their lives. I don't haveen Io my life because I'm a lackjob, I'm a Wat Shup, I'm a thumb, sucking cry baby. I mean I'm sober, butI'm telling you every other night, I'm up a three o'clock morning right aboutworrying about the money and I'm worrying about this, and don't worryabout that and nine o pecent of my shares. An ALCOHOLSANONI. So I do shareis complaining about my life or complaing about my wife or complainingabout the money or complain. I'm complaining, I'm complaining, I'mcomplaing, I'm an iolier and a yes putter and everything would be okay. Iftheye want to listen O me and they don't know who the deal with it's. Whyis this all t only appe? Why is this always Happeng to me and what am Igoing to get better Lik an? I feel better and I'm depressed I'm verydepressed and I had a lot of crazy shitton o of my life and I and therewere other guys like Ol Kennedy, where...

I went to a meeting and he was I wasfour months sober or four or five months, Ober and mysponsibly a medianthis guy at about thirty five years and and he gave this incredible talk and itwas helping people and it was just a wonderful person. I was so attracted tohom, and I asked my sponsor what group you belong to. I'd really like to hangout with him and my Sponson told me: He was Ding of cancer and he hat sixmonths to live, and I told my sponsor know: I'm talking about the guy justspoke and he said: Yeah. Okay, he's got six months, O live he's doning ofcancer, and I said he didnt say anything about that. In said, I know hesays he was just trying to help people he looke happy. He says he his happy, but he's not six months to live, and II looke Ta that guy and let me tell you some F my vision as far as but AA was blew up at that time. I thought it wasa not drinking club. Everybody had talked so much about not drinking, notdrinking, not drinking, don't drink. Unless your Hais falls off picking upchips, Fon, not trink an do all that stuff. That's what I thought I, as allabout don't drink, an go to Meeti. You know I was told a million times. Youcould screw everything else. If you have an a drink, your success and Ibelieve that if you're an alcohomic but the bottom line is, is that's what hetold me he said he's got six months to live and I and the bottle line is as Ithought it was a not dranking club and this guy was in the not being scared ofdying club. He was in the knot being stared of dying club and I hadnt madeit to tback club. You know so I had my ticket because I hadn decided to statdrinking to get into the stadium, but I realized there were guys that wereplayers and they were on the field and they had something that I wanted, but Ididn't know how to have it. I didn't know how to get it. I didn't evenunderstand it. They were so different from me. They were as different therwat. They had. Their idea of sobriety was so different from me. They wereabout as different from me as I was from a drum and of course I wanted it, but I didn'tknow how to get it and I didn't know where I was going to get it or any ofthat stuff and and it's a rare thing you know, and I wanted what they had and I waswin to got anyway together, but I didn't have any idea ow to do it and,of course one of the bad things about it is. Is that I'm an ALCOHOLC? So I wantedimmediately. You know, that's why I drack the greatthing about drinking. Is it works pretty fast, nothing, wire? NO WOMAN!No car no amount of money really works quite as fast. You know, quite as well as just thepeudriks. You know, t have to wait. Just wack, Wack Tho just lack them down,you know, and- and I I don't want- no like no ten Thenda, thirty five. Iwanted what he had in thirty five years at at three months. YEAHK, that's whatI want. I want that to so somewhere around the the he the last page, the last age of thebigboy page hundredand, sixty four. If you read the last page, they'll tellyou something: it'll tell you something: If you sort of Rebli between lines, youdon't even have to read between wines, you just have to read exactly what theysay in there and what they say on the last pange of that book talks aboutanother another fellowship in ther. It talked about a whole otherfellowship within Aa. Inside of it, it's called the fellowship of thespirit. It says you will show it. You will surely join some of us in thefellowship of the spirit. Now, of course, you may think it's youropinionour intil to it that if you come to Aa nd, you just have desire t stopdrinking. You are like automatically in the fellowship of the spirit, but there's a possibility. You mightwant to think about this, that you may just be a spectator. That fellship of the spair might be alittle bit smaller than the entire group of Alchols anomyous, because ifyou read the last page it talks about...

...what you have to be in order to be inthe fellowship of the spirit it talks about. The first thing it says,is you have to Banden yourself to God a bit utterly abandon yourself to God.You know what it says in nd there's a solution. It says if you want to berocking in the fourth dimension of existence. Those are the people that are in thefellowship of the spirit te all Kennedys. If you want to be rocketedinto the fourth dimension of existence, if you want to experience much ofHeaven, it says the great fact is this andnothing less, and they repeat that rain fact. That says this is the great facton the last page: It's nothing less than this. It says God has to be thecentral fact of your life. God has to be the central fact of yourlife. It says you have to be convinced that he lives in your heart and mind ina way which is indeed miraculous, that he is doing for you. What you can't dofor yourself. You know I can't I don't know how to benot scared of dying, but I'll. Tell you a what and I don'tknow how to be not scared of being broke, and I don't know how to be not worried.About my life hand, the things in my life- and I don't know how not to be jealousfor how not to be angry were not to be restless. I don't knowhow not to keep on telling myself I'm a loser. I'M gonna. As someone on to fillmyself, I don't know how to not stop in stop comparing my insides with otherpeople's outsides. I don't know how to not keep on telling myself. If only Ihave this only I had that I'd be okay. I don't know how to not stop spendingmoney. I don't have the buy crap. I don't need to impress people. I don'tlike. I don't know how to not stop saying to myself. I don't Giv e crop.What other people think about me? Go I'm so worried about what people arethinking about. Ai, don't know how not to have fear of other people, they say,wel loose, fear. I don't know haw not do that when, when I'm not only an o analcohol alcohol come up. Please love me a hallet. Please accept me a hollic.Please tell me I'm Graohollin when I have all those other holic things goingon, that Dhedon't even have Anyti do with drinking, which is a sympol whichis just ta symtomy disease, that the real disease centers in my mind, and Idon't know how to get rid of it and only all the thinking of the world justmakes me more crazy. I don't know how not to do that, but I'll tell you whatI've discovered. God can do all that you make God the Secal fact tat. Theirwife will do all that you'll Rockin your forts about you nowI wish I could tell you that you get down on your knees, three or fourmonths or year sober and you do the third step prayer and you will be banedconvinced that he is living in your hearts and minds in a way which isindeed miraculous but I'll. Take that Shit just think going to happen. Thatway. This I wasn't convinced, because if I was convinced of everything I justtold you, I would never be worried a again. I wouldn't be up at threeo'clock morning, worning about stuff. Why am alone or worried about wyingabout? Why I'm so unworthy? You know I wouldn't be worried about that sort ofstuff I be rocking in the fourth dimension. I wouldn't, but you see myproblem, is God is' really senxual facto, my I life, I'm really notconvinced I'm running after you know it's like I'm spinning planes. I got aGod plained over here I got a car played over here. I've got I've got awoman played over here. I got a sex plate over here. I got a money plaeover here, I'm spining plates, I'm running around the state spinning theseplates and every once while one place starts Wobblin I stat spend the moneyplaying. I spend the sex play I's, been the Women Daye playin on spinning allthese plates around, and let me tell you something: Iw. My life is ThebieTha pro this is. My wife is devided up...

...into Setin girs lets of flats in thisworld and try to manage my life. I know they say we cant manage our life. Iknowo. They say that no human power C can get? U Sober. I know they say onlyGod: Tou e would have you sawgt. I know they say in the big book that there isone who has all power that one is God there you find them now. I know thatthere's seven point: six billion people in the world and if it's God as youunderstand them, I guess there's seven point six million gods and if there'sseven point six billion gods, I guess there's probably no God at all. It'swhatever you decide. You want God to be, but I know they sayin the big book thatonce we make that decision that we got to get rid of the Selfar. This wemuster fills us and God makes that possible. I know they say wan's to makethat decision. allsuch a mark things happen being all powerful, apparentlythere's only one God he's all powerful. The may be seven point: six billionpeople who think they have a certain idea who god is but he's all powerfuland there's only one there's not seven point six billion that are all power.There's only one and I guess the bottom line is they'll. Give me everything. Ineed, if I stay close to him, so I got it close to him, whoever he is and I'vegot to play close to him and do his work aswell, and apparently has some workme to do, which has something to do withdoest have to do with sex or getting Alay or money, or anything like that,or any of these things that has t to with helping other people serving himand loving other people says. But how do you get there? Mywhole life is ahout worrying about worldly clamors and money prop in presstheses just like telise. How do you get to that deal if that's the deal, and sothe bottom line is I work these steps and I work these steps and I work thesesuckers overndo got like like what is that karate kid like Wlaxon waxol lagsong, Waxsol ax Somoso, and I noticed that they actually work Thi Star Workand I start geing better. I yew the laxt one. I do the fourth step tenmillion times. Well, we call the ten STEFP when you do it, I did the tenstep. Ten million times I go through repeated humiliationthousands andthousands of time I get new perspectives on thing as I'm going up.You know I learned the value of suffering. You know I do the step somany times. I do so many so many amends so many forsteps, so intensetents, somany fiststeps sponsoring so many people serve it the whole biteverything I do it by the members. So many te well at least the things Youreobbly getingt do so many times, not the extra creditstuff. You know I do it so many times that after awhile, I find I'm not even doing this tets, I'm not even doing them, I'mliving them. You know because I used to live life that theman rigorousdishonesty, because I'm a rationalize I told myself rationalize. I Tell MyselfShit thatter, that's untrue and I do thes stuff over and over again untilI'm actually doing it, but I'm not e. When I was a year, somber man, Iknew what I was doing. The steps. Oh like I knew exactly what I was doing.Thi Stuff. I knew what I was doing to Fiss, that I knew what I was doing: AFORC Tho. I knew when I was doing the third step. I got on my knee so manytimes at three o'clock in the morning. Saying God, please don't. Let me thinkthis way. Please take away this fear of money. Please help me. I can't I wishat a dog, forv time, Mi gone on my knees and asked God, of course, after Iplauted for a while help me with this. I did that so many times so many ways. Finally, somewhere around nine years sober when I was really notmoving anywhere, somebody suggested I' go to Bible, study and UNSO. I started going to this Biblestudy. I didn't really want to go, but I started going to it because theysuggested and and first IG. I want to go because I was scared and I din' wantpeople laugh at me and I knew a people said it was bad. I don't know Apple.Somebody in e says it's bad. I know the buck says we lirally lose all precaceeven against oelized religion, but that I know that's what the book says, butthe Podliship says you shouldn't do it.

You know I mean I don't know why I meanthey were all doing it back in thirty five, thirty nine, the fellwship says:Don't do it and they laugh at you if you doit, ane God else on altcohol iontwant to be laughed at, but I had nothing Olo. I knew that not doingsomething out of fears. Probably won't so I started going the Bible Study andthen I love those guys so much and I meat my I men, my third sponsor atsixty year, sobrietis a next MN AA. He was a pactist missionary. You know,wonderful, wonderful man address the soul, and so I go there that I joinedthe Church Han. I became a deacon in that Church and didn't stop it Nornaa.I double my a stuff like when a million times Daya to the Church, a lot ofBible stos lot of stuff. Like that, all of a sudden, I started realizing thatthe Bible took everything everything the Bible came from the big book ofAlcoholics, anonymous and my whole attitude and idea about things tochange and stuff happened, but because I have a stooni because Ike you know Iwas just going the extra fedit stuff. You know the stuff that we're notsupposed to do or we don't have to do because I want to do everything that I'my program is I'll. Do Everything I'm supposed to do except for the stuff? I don't want todo, and so I and you know, I'm an alcoholic on ha typical, Apbalkn, oneof the consequences of being athoxis. Whenever you hear something thatsomebody tells you something you don't like it pisses you op and Rto uses you.So I was confused and I only saw t things I wanted to see in Aad. If youcame up o me and say why don't you try this? I say you work your program. Iwor Mi Probam. I don't know whet Ou, know this, but there's apparently tenbillionthis, apparently six on some one, since billion programs and OtoholSynomis is not one. PROGAM is theres ther's. I know it says, really have asympanse of Bil who is thoroughly followed on hed thoroughly follpest,but they really mean is do whatever the hell. You want to do and you'll get itanyway. You know, I know I know most people think you can do whatever youwant to do and you'll get the rock in ENFORC imestion anyway, but butapparently it has to gov the longer Om, sober and the more. I want this thingand the more I want to have what they have. I find myself doing the things Ithe big book that I don't even have to do. You know the stuff that they weredoing bet: one Thousan, nine hundred and tirty fie, one thousand nine hunedand thirty nine to get the stuff they had, and so one of the things I startedreading in the big book- and I don't have to worry about- I don't have to doat ten Te. I know how to do repeated inventory and I know how to do an atestep batd. I know how to do a nine stef. I know how to do a tent step. Wich, fom,ppris, tough and now Ito do a fifth step, intofess and call my sponsor. Iknow how to do it Theh. I know how to get O my need to do. Wa. Third TAP, Iknow O do a second steff and all sort of stuff, but I what I don't know and when I can't know- and what isimpossible for me to do this is six step. I don't know how to do a six ter. I don't know how to do it. How do youdoit sic stuff, the six on the six? How do you do thesstep? What, if I don't want to be a boy anymore? What if I want to be a man?What, if I want to be like out Canada? What if I want to be what if I don'twant to be a spectator anymore? What if I want to get down on the field- and Iwant to be a player? How do you get down on the field to bea player Youn? Still what I'm saying, rather than some guy who sit in theaudience waiting for his chance to talk about his life and what's going wrongand what's going wrong and stuff like that and doing the group Therapy Shit,you know I mean how do you become a player you know and how o? How do youbecome that thing? When you read that six step- and it says this is what itsays it says it says it's a step. That's repeatedfor a lifetime, a lot. You got this a lifetime and you know how they defineit. This gets really creaty. This gets really. You know you talk about Wackostuff, you know the way they defined. It is the man who is doing the Sicx sixstep is trying repeatedly to grow in the image and likeness of his creator.I'm not making this shit up, that's...

...what his creator. So I guess, if yourCreator is a a treat, you know or higher powers like natureor something I mean, that's pretty cool. How do you going the image and likenessof nature? Ot evotd, an image of not likeness ofAdorno, you know or how much? How do you grow on the image, an Likethiss, alat? I mean I don't know I mean you probably can, but there they get. Theyget pretty crazy. They get pretty specific about this stuff and then theysay the real problem without cos in the six step is they want to settle and I'man t attorney? So I know all about Sevelin. You know you want a milliondollars and the other side wants to give you ten dollars and yous sell forsomething in the middle. But the problem is is in the big book.It says there is no middle theroand solution. As MAPIC says: Half medsuresof value, nothing o you got to get rid of all your old ideas on the result isnail and nil is like Na. You know, and it's hard to and I'm a guy here's myproblem. The way, I think- and I have this authol thinking- that if I do halfmeasures I get like fifty percent of the deal, you know, aren't I sober fornine years. Yeah, I'm sober for nine, I'm! I must beget because I'm sober,but I'm not happy and what happens if you're not happying your sover forTwenty Years Bor, twenty five years, maybe you become one of those guys thatI meet that are that have a horrible life and e terrible life, but they'rejust not drinking the dry druks or maybe you drink again at fifteen orsixteen on twenty years. Never understanding why you drankinggain, and you drag because you're not happywith your surprit and maybe you're, not happy with thesurprises, because you're not really working a program, recovery, you'vejust slipped back into the own way of thinking that you can rest some sort ofsatisfaction out of life, and so the six tat sort of indicatesthat it's not about settling for what you have now. It's it's the motor thatruns the ancient. It's the thing that drives you folward repeatedly. It's athing that you forget what is behind and you push forward to the goal thatyou somehow know, even though your feeling crap, you know, at the otherend that there is constantly possibly for you, an ability to be rocket in thefourth ofmetion existence that it's possible to experience. Much of heaventhat it's possible to actually get to the boy like Ni, sponse Ou got to JohnGlen when he was dying, he said Russel, my bags are packed, I'm ready to go and he wasn't scared. Maybe it's maybethat's possible I'll. Tell You well what happens when you muder the people,an alcohocs anonymous where they aren't, whether they aren't scared, AboutthePeople's judgment? What happens when you run Inthe People Inh aupops,anonyous, where they are different and they seem to have gone to a place wherethey're, not scared of people in a Beckan Optin, secure ensecurity? Whathappens when you actually see the deal? You see the you know, theyre few andfar between I grash you that what happens? If you start hanging out withthose people, you start listening to what they say and how they react tolife, how they react to cancer, how they react to death, how they react tohard times, and you know, because my whole deal used to be. If anybodycalled me on my reaction, I said well yeah. If it happened to you, you'd actthe same way, because I thought that was only one way that react. I didn'tknow that you could be an Al Kennedy, Ind Dine of cancer and actually live awonderful life and be even happier than me, and I'm not, and I M, I wasn't evendying. How do you? How do you do that deal and apparently that whole six thatha has to do with coming to the point where you wanted, God to remove everyyou want to utterly abandon yourself to God. So much in become so important, where you want him to move every defectof character that can possibly come between you and a closeness and relationship withhim. So you can, as Ay say in that andunderstanding that you know ha he's going to give you everything you needif you just get as close as possible to...

...him and performance work. Maybe themost important thing comes in your life. Getting close to con and performing iswork. Maybe it's not making money anymore. Maybe it's not getting laid,or you know you know a being popular or having other people like you even oranything like that. Maybe it's just maybe when you go into he meetinginstead of trying to talk in such a way so you're trying to get people to likeyou, maybe you' just trying to make sure that you'R that you want to makesure that that that God appreciates what you're doing and talking about him. You know- and maybe, if you have totalk about God and talk about the pro bout, boxs and Omis you're, actually betalking about something that where people going to actually not like you,I used to say to my sponsor one of my sponsors. I said: Do you still getresentments? He said yet I migh get thim. I said: How do you do that? Iculdn't stand it. The people didn't, like me. Imagine imagine a wife where you caldbe yourself. You knon't, listen, toil, tell you something. I don't you know. Ialways trid to be somebody else. I always trie to be that person that youwould like, but the bottom line is I don't do that person real? Well, Idon't I can't fake it to you know I do meed better than I do anybody else, soit's so much better than so. I can go to a media and I don't have to filtermyself. I don't have to go through the whole thing of well. If I say that what are they goingto think or if I say this, what are they going to think? I can just tellthem the truth. The Way God tells me what the truth is in my life in my lifewas my experience when a man with experiencement a mat of mone, the mailof experience will walk away with the money in the Med of the money, willwalk away O my experience, you may not like anything. I say that this is myexperience and you can't tell me what my experience was because I knowexactly. I was there when it happened. So I know what my experiences an myexperiess is the closest the more important God became to me. The lessimportant your approval of me came. The more important God came became tome. The less word I was about. What kind of cry was don. The more importantGod became to me less worried about. I was about whether I had a girlfriend ora boyfriend or how much money I made or any of that stuff, and I lit my entirelife worrying about that. Do you know what it's like to live, your entirelife with people, Liv ing Red Free in your head? Well, Sur! You Know Hatit's,like you, do it all the time you just don't know how to stop doing it. That'syou don't Ow Hawe to stop worryi about people. I know how that is the firstten fifteen twenty years. Our story I'll tell you. I never want to go backto that Toyou I didn't get into Aa for the not drakan thing I got day for thenot drinking thing, but I'll tell you what I want to stick around. I want togo. I want to. I want to be in here for the not being scared, tht, they're, not fearful thing, you know,and so that's IAND. So all of a sudden I pay en here and what can I tell you,I'm a product of forty years of having this crap pound into me. So I don't. Idon't feel like I'm doing the steps I sort of live those thielgs. You know Idon't have to turn my life over to God, every second of the day, because I wakeup thinking about God go to work. Thinking about God. Youknow I come Om. Thinking about God. I go to aeetings i'me thinking about God,d. talking about God. I hang out with people that talk about God. If I'm askthe same thing, I'm talking about by the way I mentioned, God it All dduring this meeting yeah, I know that's my problem. Italked too much about God. That's a real problem, you know, and you talktoo much about people won't like you. So I'm sitting here with a book thatsays the entire thing is about seed wit. Your relationsip with him is writing.Great events will come to Peffean coutless others, the entire, but thewhole book is to findly get you manr called the futor, may God the centralcacular life and tell other people about that, and I'm sending afellowship of people that say I o want to hear that Shit. I'm sitting here Witha an a fellship ofpeople that that really get uncomfortable. When you talk about thatstuff,...

...so I got a choice ronty. I can talkabout that stuff because I know that's what God wants men to Di that's whatthey bill: Wilson, Talkd, thot ore. I can talk in such a way that you like me so I ought to. But if I talked in theway Andtho try to g gain your pleasure, then the problem is. I won't like me because my self esteem, soft respectdoesn't come from what other people think about me anymore. Some from different place come from place where you can't take itaway from Im. You never take it away from me. YouKnow Carl minager wrote a book all Maniguson,so n th S, and in that book he said Alcohols and men and women are out todestroy themselves because teep down theside, they know they're unworthy,they're, not good enough. I don't care Y, they can say on the best, I'm thegreatest. You don't understand how great they are, but no matter how muchmoney and whatever they got their bottom line. Is they pretty much thinkthe Musiccian they would have fill themselves? That's where all thosecrazy diseases comeing, because they have no clue as to what their purposeis. On the plan a I was toled a long time ago. If you reach age of thirty,you have no idea. Why you're here and what you're supposed to do withyourself, you're going to be to a serain extent, erodic, and I was oneneurotic son of a bitch. I can tell you that so in any emen, so I think that's whatthe six step is about, and it takes time, and it really has to do- I it hasto do with o what you want. What do you want? What do you want? You want to bea not drinking clubor. Do you want to be on the field? You want to be n. Themanner you want to be the boys want to be the girl. You want to be the way youwant to grow up. What do you want? You know what I mean. That's the dealbecause the person you're going to be five years now going to depend o Pouf.The people hang out with books, you read and the Bush I read, willdefinitely deeathe Pug anyou hang out with that's what the book says. It saysit. If you want what we have on a willing to get to go to Alak togeter,then you're ready, you're, not even ready. Unless you want Wan, we have so.The buestion is Chos your Wei. Who is your way? Who are the people that youwant what they have if Youn'? If you don't have a Weeg, then you're yourweek? I guess you're not even interested in what we have in here,you're just interested in sort of hanging around and spectating, so youcan get on out of here and get a new car new Mersedes, another life forsomething like that. So you get what you get. You know the same. Adress Arfoyou'll get something out of that and you know then I'll catch o the downside.You know when you coal, be like one of these guys. I heard o Gut satiday SierI've been around a for forty. You ever hear that I've Beene I've been aroundTey for forty years, but around day ight for four years. Youknow, I'm not sure what that mean. Why fou what it meant to is he's got. Youknow three months or something like that, but you know you can be one ofthose be around Aa. You know spectatn in the bleachers right so on. That's at you want to be a grownup. You want to be rocking Fort Dimension of existence. You want to dothis deal, you want to settle. What do you want? You want the big time, one togo. Profession. That's all I have to say. I'm done. That's I burned the hour.That's my story. I'm sticking to it.

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