AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 5 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 5 from the Coral Room Zoom January 29, 2021  

Well, hi, could evening everybody. My Name's Russell Stats. I'm an alcoholic and I remember the Celtic Sea Group about box. Anonymous. How y'all doing? So listen, I well, here's the deal. I'm just gonna tell you what's on my mind. There's a possibility, a possibility, don't put any pressure on me, that at some point during this talk I might talk about stuff five. But you see, I've been sober since January twenty thin nineteen eighty one. So this month is my I had my forty birthday. I just happened to notice that in the twelve, the twelve and twelve, was published in nineteen fifty two, which means when the twelve and twelve was published, the person with the longest sobriety, which I guess was Bill Wilson at the time, had seventeen years. And I'm not comparing myself, but I'm saying so I've been doing this, this little Jig we do, for forty years and my perception, my perception as to what this is all about, who I am, what I am, what we're doing here, what the fifth step is all about, what all these steps are all about, has changed in the last forty years. My perception is to what I we're here and what's important what's not important. has changed since I had seventeen years, sobriety. It's changed since I had five years right. It's changed since I've had when? Since I had thirty years, sobriety. It's just a whole different deal. And what I am and what I generally do, so I can be completely honest with you, is when I hope. I hope that you have developed or you're developing or you want to develop a personal relationship with God. I hope that happens to you. You know the big book. It says. It says, above everything, we must get rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us. God makes that possible once we make a sincere decision for God, and there's no middle of the road solution, there's no half measures. Once you make a sincere decision for God, he's going to give us everything we need if we stay close to him and perform his work. Well, so what do you like me with? Your hate me, whatever it is, whether I disturb you, whether I no matter how you feel about me, I can tell you this about me. I am a product you're looking at a product. You're looking at an alcoholic WHO's a product of forty years of working this thing. So whatever I turned out to be, it's not my fault. Whatever however I turned out to me, whoever I am right now, whatever I am right now, good, better and different, it's it's God's fault and Aa's fault. So blame them if I say anything to Piss you off. And just remember whenever you disturb, matter what the cause is, something wrong with you. So what happened is in the last you know as I'm a lawyer, so I'm a paid bullshit artist. So I mean, I'm a talker and I've been talking and doing step serious and speaking at different places all over the place for over thirty years now. And what what I what I used to do, what I don't do what I used to do anymore. When I feel that God has put something on my heart to talk about, he's helped me see something that I think it's important, that's what I talk about. I don't try to I don't try to fit myself into a certain thing to talk. I talk about what I believe. In my case, the Lord has asked me to talk about which I think has something to do with the fifth step, but you'll have to judge that. I mean, you know, if I was really going to tell you about the fifth step or the fourth step or whatever, I would tell you to open up the book of alcoholics anonymous. Read the pages. There's a chart as to how you do the fourth step. There's a chart and written instructions on how you're supposed to look at the fourth step, and then there is a direction who you're what you're supposed to do with the fourth step, who you're supposed to take it to and what you're supposed to do. And that's all you need to know about the fifth step. Close mouth friend could be a psychologist just bringing forth step there. Hey, we're done with the fifth step. But if you really want to hear what this thing is all about, you know why, why...

...you're even bothering to do this stuff. I think that's what I want to talk about, emotional sobriety and why you're bothering to do this stuff and what it's going to ultimately mean for you down the road. And so that's what I really want to desire to talk to you today. So I I've noticed one of the things they say in the big book is they say where I actually it's the twelve and twelve is. It says the way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations and the final crushing of our self sufficiency to the point where we learn the value of suffering. In the book of James, which is the book that this whole the whole thing comes from. And the doctor bottom the good old timers in one thousand nine hundred and thirty thirty five. They they this is what the bottom line is, according to our conference room material, the books that they found absolutely essential before the big book and with the Big Book is based on his first corinthians thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the book of James. And I've studied the book of James And in Chapter One of the book of James It says again the same thing it says in in the twelve and twelve. It says rejoice when you have trials and tribulations and suffering of every kind, because if you persevere, persevere over a lifetime on those trials and you keep on focusing on God and relationship with God, your Faithfull Mature and hopefully what will happen is your faith will mature, you will go from be kind of coming a child or a boy and you'll become a man. You'll instead of being a girl, you'll become a woman, you'll actually grow up spiritually. And since I am an alcoholic and I've dealt with and sponsored hundreds and hundreds of alcoholics, alcoholic men, and dealt a lot of people, I know what kind of personality we have. I know what it's like to work with a sixty year old man who has the emotional capacity of a nine year old boy. I know we're a narcissistic and we're selfish and we're drawn and we're drama Queens and kings and we're pride thumb sucking prideabies and and all we do is think about ourselves. And I know where childish and I know we don't like it when things they don't go our way and we get pissed off easily. And I know we're very sensitive, you know actually with touchy, and I understand we're disturbable and I know that deal with that deals all about. So I know what we're dealing with. So one of the things I realized that they talk about in the sixth step and I don't know how many there maybe a lot of people that haven't gotten to the six step, or seven is that's the ongoing step that separates the boys from the men, of the girls from the women. And then describing the process of separating the boys from the men from the boys, they say this. They say it's a process that will take a lifetime, a lifetime repeated humiliations. And the whole point is is this incredible desire. When you have this desire, it's not a desire to stop drinking anymore, although because the drinking thing has been lifted. It's the desire to have God remove any impediment at all that comes between me and him. Bill Wilson said in alcoholics anonymous number three, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, sharing me of this terrible disease, that I've got to keep on talking about it and telling other people and build dots and the man on the bed set. He said that was the golden text for me, because bill was extremely grateful for to God for everything he had done for him and he gave all credit to God. I mean Bill Wilson, Dr Bob, the founders, most of whom belong to church is and in current me courage membership and churches. Those men had a profound relationship with God. They're the ones who wrote in the book that if you want to be Ay, if you want to stop drinking, you know something. Just coming day a pick up a white chip, hang around the meetings, make it your bar, drink coffee before the meetings, hang out with a fellowship and you won't drink for five years, ten years, fifteen years until you're drinking again. You won't drink, but you'll openly come to a point where you won't be happy with this variety. You won't drink because you're a member of alcoholics anonymous. You remember the not drinking club, but there's whole bit as a whole different deal between a member of the not drinking club and being rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence...

...of which you would not even dream. Big Difference between not drinking and experiencing much of heaven and knowing peace and knowing surrendering. Big Difference between those two deals and knowing the promises on a daily basis. And that may require a little bit more. You may you need you may need to you may need to put a little bit more skin in the game. For that you understand what I'm saying. And I can tell you something else, and this is based upon my experience. My first sponsor used to say when a man with experience meets man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will walk away with an experience. I'm not basing this on any book knowledge, although a lot of this is is basically consistent with the book or anything I've been told. I can tell you this based on my own life. Part of the part of the recipe for being rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence is a word that alcoholics can't stand, they hate, and the word is time. We all have to do our forty years in the desert, we all have to do our three hours in the oven, we all have to do our time in the program unfortunately, it's not like drinking. You know, it's great about drinking. I used to. I used to have a hard day at work or a hard day of life or just just life is tough, and I would walk into the bar and I would take a double shot of Scotch Neat. That means no water, and I would whack it down and I'd be okay in five seconds. I'd be okay in five seconds. I'm an alcoholic because no woman, no matter, no no woman, no matter money, no, nothing, ever work quite as good as just a few drinks, and that's why I drank it. And if it work for me today, and I I got that same feeling today that I got when I was one thousand nine hundred and twenty and twenty one years old, I'd still be drinking it. But it stopped working for me. And you want to know something to sad news is it stopped working for me ten years before I realized that stock working for me, and I heard a lot of people and then I came to Aa and I learned, surprisingly enough, after destroying my life at thirty one years of age, surprisingly enough I found I learned, that the drinking of alcohol was not even be dis eased, it was the it was the cure for my disease that I use, that my real dis ease centering in my mind and not my body, and it had to do with the fact that I was crazy and I had this kind of craziness that made me unfit to live in this world and be happy. It's impossible for a guy like me to live in this world sober and be at peace with myself. My problem is not my drinking. My problems by thinking. My thinking produces toxic waste. All I do. I don't care about anybody except myself. I don't give a crap about any you want to something. All I want is for everybody to do what I tell them to do. All I want is for things to go my way. All I want is for people to stop screwing at me, screwing my my life. All I want is when I get on the road and drive, I want everybody to get out of the way. I don't want anybody to cut me off. I don't want to ever be low on money. I don't want to ever have to worry about any of the bullshit. I don't want to have to deal with the idiots out there, and they're all idiots, you know. Let me tell you something. I'm a hater. You guys probably have resentments. I have dreams of murdering people I wanted to. I I I wake up in the morning and by the time I get to a date, I murdered, tortured fifty people in my mind because they're so stupid they deserve to die. That's the kind of disease I have. And let me tell you, someone, all you do is think bad shit about other people and talk bad crap about other people and you don't even realize you have a problem because the way you've been all your life. You want to know something. Life doesn't turn out to be so good. You know, it doesn't turn out to be so good, even if you're not drinking and over a period of and I'm and over a period of a year or two years or five years or fifteen years, you're can actually get to the point, like they say in a what do they say about the Guy Drying? The moment he says feel better, look better, have a better time, we know he's going to drink gang because he's not happy with the sobriety. If you only knew how many people are out there that have twenty years and twenty five years that are not happy with their sobriety, that are lonely, you know, that are just, you know, just just not just miserable, you know, but they know how to talk of a meanings, they know how to say stuff and plugging the Jug and all that sort of stuff. So one of the things that I one of the things that I didn't understand the time, you know, when I first started doing these steps. I don't know about you, I know we have...

...some new comings here. We have some guys that have been around when I first started doing the steps. The steps themselves, as a matter of fact, the AA way of life. There's a way of life, as any way you says. Rarely have we seen a person fail who was thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not become a people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program using men and women who are unable, unable to live a life which demands rigorous honesty. This is a new way of life, this is a way of life that the man now listen, I know how to live a way of life that demands rigorous dishonesty. I know how to live a life which demands rigorous dishonesty. I am rigorously dishonest. I am selfish, I am self centered, I am driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, selfseeking. I step on toes of others. They retaliate. I have no idea why they're doing it, but I learned over a period of a long time. But this thing looks like sober that I made decisions based upon myself and my self system puts me in a position to be be, be hurt. Now I don't see this at first. I'll never see this because a need everything I do. My spots used to say, Russ why do you think the way you think and do the things you do and say the stuff you say? And I said him, I said I said, Bob, that's just my personality, that's who I am. And he said to me this. He said, well, Russell, your personality is killing you. That's why they have a second step where we learn. We don't really fathom what they're trying to say. Was it says, in a such a Nice Day, nice way, that you'll come to believe that there's a power that can, that can make you. What does it say? Saying restore you to sanity, other words, take you from being insane, insane, to sanity. You know people, when people don't quite grasp is that, if you are an alcohol you've been insane all your life. Now here's the deal. I'm an attorney. I was a division to you from the states attorney's office. I was trying murder cases. I can talk, I can walk, I got married, I had a kid. You understand what I'm saying. I pay my taxes. You Win me an other words, if you look at me from the outside, I look perfectly normal. As a matter of fact, I'm successful. To all intents and purposes, I'm successful. Of course I blew up my marriage, I walked out of my wife and kid. For someone who out with other women, I've done a million things to hurt people. Of course I'm miserable. Of course I drink myself to death. I can't stop drinking because I'm so miserable inside. Of course that's okay. But you understand something. In my mind, I don't think I'm insane. I think I'm no different anybody else's mavering. I'm better than everybody else in a weird kind of way. In between times I think I'm a piece of shit and I kill myself. And Somehow, some way, I lived up to the age of thirty one thinking I was perfectly okay, until alcohol brought me to my knees and I realized, because the first step of getting out of jails, knowing you're general the first place, I realized that I could not stop drinking and I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable and it was unmaginable because I couldn't stop drinking. What I didn't know is that it was really unmanageable because I couldn't stop thinking that my life was unmanageable because my warped brain, my sickness before I picked up the first drink. And the reason I drank is because the first drink I took made me feel like I wasn't crazy, and so I continue to drink. So I've been crazy with this disease before I started drinking, during the drinking and for many years after I stopped drinking, because I started realizing that this disease centers in your mind and not your body and that you could be three months ober and five years Ober and twenty years sober and still crazy. Is a flipping loom, you understand? Car Manager wrote a book called manage that some slf about suicide and said alcoholics are men when we are out destroying my themselves. I can be an alcoholic and twenty years sober and somehow, in some way beyond the road to destroy myself. I spend more money, I didn't have to buy stuff. I didn't need to impress people I didn't like. Why was I always broke? I was always broken this when you spend more money than you make, you going to debt. Why don't I spend one money that I make? Because I had to buy things. Why did I have to buy things? Because I knew if I only had that new car, I be okay. Why did I have to be why did I fout in the car? Because I'm not okay without that car. Why did I have to have that black why? Don't have to walk away from my wife? Because I wasn't okay with my life, I'd be okay with that redhead. Why did I have to do why do I do the things I do and then look back and say,...

...why is this happening to me, when I'm automatically choosing in sat insane things to happen to me? Why do I say the things I say? Why do I think that? Why don't I just shut up? Why do I think the stuff I think? Why do I think? Why do I think? Why am I lathering up in the shower and I hear this voice, you're an asshole. You ought to kill yourself. You'll never be any why? Who's saying that to me? I look around, there's nobody in the shower except for me. Why do I think the way I do? Why do I act the way I do? After many, many, many, many years of working the tent step and making amends, making amends, because sober I'm always screwing up. Sober, I screw up sober. I heard people. Sober, I send emails. Sober, I do stupid, insane things. Why, after many, many, many, many years, is unlike taking the shot of Scotch. It says to me that if I really work this thing hard for that ten or fifteen or twenty years, the ten step, what will happen is, instead of turning into a list, you want to know something, you'll learn something. Called you ready for this restraint of tongue and pen. You won't have to worry so much about making amends. How about this? Because you won't be doing stupid shit. Did you not yet? You know, life is tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid. And you know, the bottom line is is that what I found is I got so sick of making amends that it occurred to me that if I don't do stupid shit. I don't have to apologize for it. But what if you let what if you're what if? What if you're what if you're weird? What if you're weird? What if you just can't help? What if? What if, for some reason you can't help but constantly thinking and doing stupid shit. Now, if you're an alcoholic and your first, you're in your first ten or fifteen years, you know exactly what you thought what I'm talking about, because you know what it's like to do stupid shit and think stupid shit and not drink and still feel like a stupid asshole. I guarantee you you know that deal. If you don't know that deal, that you have been hanging around her long enough with your disease. You know so. So that's that's the problem. The problem is. Here's the deal. The problem is is when I first came in, when I first came into a a and I started working these steps and doing this stuff. And let me tell you some part of working these steps are not only formally doing the fifth step and formally doing the fourth step and formally doing the third step, you know, on the new stuff, but a lot of wearing these steps that looking back. You know a lot of this stuff you see in the rearview mirror. I now realize that huge portion of working the steps that you don't understand. You're not quite sure why you do it. A lot of the poor these working, these steps have to do with just following directions given by a sponsor which don't make any sense. And you know where alcoholics, because you know alcoholics, don't want to do anything if it doesn't make any sense, there's a real problem. Your forced to live a life that that demand's honesty when you want to do dishonest things, a life that you're scared to what you're forced to do that when you don't understand why you should do that. When I go up to a sponsor and I'm three months ober and I and I'm going to meetings, you know, which is a big deal to me, going to meetings like I'm going to meets and I tell him I'm broke and I don't have any money and I can't go to sleep at night and I'm worried, and he says to me, I know what your problem is. You need to start making coffee for the group. You need to start making coughs for the group. And Somehow in my mind I don't understand how making coffee for the group is going to help the money problem. What I don't realize is when I follow that spawns throw over to the coffee pall and he shows me how to make the coffee and I make the coffee and stay instead of saying screw this shit, this guy's crazy, and I actually make the coffee. And then when the next day rolls around and I don't want to go to the meeting because I'm depressed, because I'm always depressed because no money came in and I feel crappy, I don't want to go to mean but I pick my ass up and I go to the meeting because because I have to make the coffee and the people are depending on me to make the coffee. You understand. And so I do that for eighteen months. And three months into it the money probably gets solved. Somehow the money comes in and I make the coffee that and some you know when I do that, and somehow I stay sober and now I'm relatively happy and all I did was make coffee and show up at the meeting. You See, I don't realize that that's the first step I don't realize that's a surrender of my will to God's will that wants to be a mass no service. I don't realize that's the third step, that's the real third step, that...

...every time I do that I'm making a decision for God instead of addition. I don't realize that by doing that I am surrendering my will and doing his will. You know and say I don't realize that that is that is the steps in action. You understand, you know, because I don't even realize that's the step. I'm just following direct I'm just doing what I'm told. I don't realize that just doing what you're told, even though you don't understand why you're doing it, is a major spiritfual step. They say something like you have to have what a Dr Young say if you have to have a psychic change, a psychic chack. IDEAS, emotions and acids that are the guiding force of these men's lives are pushed one side and you become dominated by a whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes. So somehow, some way, instead of operating in a way of life where you automatically go to the lie, you automatically rationalized. Tell you some rationalize. You're automatically go to the hatred. You'll automatically go to I can't believe this shit is happening to me. You automatically don't go to why is this always happening to me? They don't know who they're screwing up, screwing with. I'll show them. This is a bunch of bullshit. I don't need this. I'm having a bad year. I'm you. Haven't you ever? You ever say these words? I'm having a bad freaking day. You ever say I'm having a bad you ever tell you something? Yeah, you ever tell somebody else, man, you're having you ever tell somebody I've had a bad week? Never tell something you have the I mean we're talking about the whole fucking week. You under still saying not a bright spot on you ever say you somebody had a bad week, a bad week. How about this? You ever tell somebody this is the worst fucking year in my entire life? I'm having a bad year. You know why? Because that's the way I'll waltz talk. That's way Alcoholson's is. These talk. You know how, and you know they say that when they're sober you know now it's a lie. It's all bullshit, but that's what they think. I'm having a bad way, I'm having a bit. That's what alcoholics in a that have three months, four months, five years, ten years. They say. I'm just having a bad life, my life sucks, you know. You know why? Because alcoholics are memo fucking dramatic and BILOP traumatic. Man. How do you get rid of that? You don't get rid of that. That's the disease. It doesn't want to be getting rid of. It wants to be noticed, it wants attention. That's what you're dealing that's the shit you're dealing with. That's the crab of your deal. And you're not dealing with the drinking anymore, man, you're dealing with the real deal. You know, you got to be a professional on this one. This is this is super bowl stuff, you know. And so what I do is I start doing these steps, and the steps that I have to do are so weird and so strange and they're so different that you realize you're doing them because they're so distinct. Here's what you say. These a Oh I got to do a fourth step. Oh I got to do a ten step, Oh, you go to me says, yesterday this happened and I did a ten step on it and I turned it over and I did a third step on it. Oh, I think I just did a twelve step. You help some I did a twelve stuff and I and there's so real. The steps are so real that you have to listen this. You got to force yourself to do it. You Force yourself to do it. You use even saying in in twelve and twelve they say. Don't anybody say that you can't use willpower. You use your will power every time you say I'm going to go to the meeting and stay, instead of saying screw that, I'm going to stay at home. Every time, every time your sponsor says, why don't you stop thinking about yourself and help that guy in the front row, and you go to you're using your you're turning your willow every time you do what a tells you to do, what you're instructive, every time you say the serenity prayer when you feel in crappy instead of saying screw this bullshit, your your turn. You're doing the steps. And so you work the steps and you work the steps and it's so obvious how you work the steps and you do the fifth step and you do the fourth step and you do the ten step and you're taking inventory every all the time, and you know you're taking inventory because you're doing it and you're asking God's help in the morning, you're doing the third step in the morning and you're doing the third step at night and you're doing every step in the world and it's so obvious to you, like wax on and wax off, like karate hit, lacks on, laps a, lax UN laps off, laps on, laps all and then one day, one day, well, and you know something, you hardly notice that anything's changing. It's still all busher. You is still you got to do these steps because your life and Shit, because things are going bad, because people are praising. I mean, you got to be doing these ten step because you react to him. You're not doing good on the restraint a tongue and pain you got to do on these fifth steps. You going in your pour out your heart. You got to be on the means. You got to work this thing like a son of a bitch the first ten, fifteen, twenty years and then all of a sudden could because you want to know something, because...

...over this period of time, as you're crushed and crushed and crushed and crushed and crushed, screwed up and dealing with the boredom and the bullshit, and what is it going to be better? Because you're you're like a child's son, patient to be wonderful and everything, and you want that guy the thirty years. You want what he had and you're willing to do to any length to get it, but you would like it tomorrow. Tomorrow it doesn't seem be it seemed to be working so damn slow. You know what I mean. And and that's the deal. And you do the steps and you work the steps and then one day you wake up there you wake up. I don't know when this happened. I can't even tell you for sure what it happens in my life. I can't tell you know the I'll tell you what, when I talk, what I usually say. It happened at around twenty five years. I don't say that to make people feel bad. I just tell him the truth. I mean, when you're up here, just tell the truth. I mean, I'm just not good when you up here. You know I'm not saying I can get anything about a before twenty, from twenty five years, I didn't, I want to say it was all horrible. But somewhere around twenty five years I woke up in the morning feeling good and I went through the day feeling good and, I want to say, the night feeling good, and I woke up the next day feeling good. I welcome next thing feeling good, and it got progressively better and better and better, and I realized, man, I've been feeling good for a long freaking time. Along freaking time. I've been feeling good for like months and months and months. And then you look back at s this, man, I've been feeling great for fifteen years and you realize that you're not working the steps. You can't even talk about the steps because you're not working them and you don't understand how come I feel so good and so blessed and I'm rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, I'm experiencing much of Heaven and I'm not working the steps. That I mean I can't talk at AA. And then you realize that you've been doing the step so long that you're not working the steps. You're just living the steps. You're living the steps, because the great facts is this and nothing less, that God has become the central fact of your life. Your whole life is about thinking about the Lord. Like Bill Wilson, suppose that you are convinced that God exists. Either is or isn't. There are no middle of the road solutions, and you're convinced that he lives in your heart of mind in a way which is deep miraculous, and he's doing for you what you can't do for yourself, that all things will work for good for those love him and are called to do his purpose. And you've given your life over to him. You've given you've given twenty, five, thirty years of your life over to him. And every once in a while, they have thought comes into your mind and just give it over the Lord. You say, I'm not going to think this way, God help me, and it happens in a nanosecond. It doesn't happen for you. Don't take three hours to do it, at five hours to do it, you do it automatically. You just refuse to think bad thoughts about people, even when they deserve it. And and what you do is you you know he's going to give you everything you need if you stay close to him and you perform his work well and your whole life is best staying close to God. You even do some of the extra credit stuff. They say in the book where they say we encourage church membership, they say it twice. That's what they said. The found says we encourage it. You'll be a bright spot and then you church and everything. We encourage church membership. We encourage all sorts of study, studying other material. You're just you started in spiritual kindergarten. Go to high school, go to college, get closer and closer to God. Improve Your conscious contact with God. Improve Your consciousness. Well, now I got twenty five years. What should I do? Improve Your conscious contact with God. Well, I got thirty years. Now, what should I do? You need to reprove your conscious contact with God. And so I wake up in the morning I think about scripture because I start a Bible study and I have spawn and I have a sponsor. Now it's third and I get a sponsor and he's a baptist preacher and he's sitting next to me without sixty other guys and I and I and I'm going to I don't know, ten fifteen a means a week that I'm going to three Bible Studies, and also my whole life is evolved around this stuff and I've noticed that I don't think about cars or women or all that sort of stuff. I live a really boring life. All I do is I want to think about God and help other people, and I noticed that I'm not. I'm not anxious anymore and even if anxiety come, comes because of Abo blue, something happens or things like that happens, it doesn't last one than a few seconds, a minute to two, and then it's gone because I'm not I don't have to turn my life over to God, because I'm living it turned over life. I'm living a while, I'm living the steps. I'm...

...living a life which demands rigorous on I'm living a life that demands rigorous honesty. I'm living a life. I don't have to make believe I believe in God. I believe in God. I don't have to make believe that I'm living. I'm involved in the joy of living, because I've got joy. I'm not looking for happiness. That's for bullshit. Happiness is from happy. I was in for happiness all my life. I get it, I lose it. I get it. I want joy. I want the kind of joy you have that, even when they told me I had cancer, I said thank you Lord. I know there's a reason for this. Whenever anything happens to me, I just want to give glory because that's what it tells me the big book. All of a sudden, I'd say these things aren't strange. When they say we never apologize for God, we've turned our life over to God, we're on a new basis. We never apologize to God. All men of God, all men of faith, that courage, they trust their God. We never apologize to God. Instead, we let him demonstrate in our lives, demonstrate our lives with God to do for us and how we can change us from a person to walk around saying I'm having a bed freaking day to saying this is incredible, my life is incredible. I'm sorry, I can't help it if it took me twenty five years. What does it matter? As long as you and well, what does it matter? As long as you and well, you know you can actually come in downcohol and so and so so these things. I do like the fifth step and the fourth step where somehow we need an explanation. It's it what we do. Alcohols the explanations because whenever an alcohol is told something he doesn't like, it confuses them. So we need people to take us through it and say, and what is it? It should make a fourth step. It tells you the four list how to do it. Well, I resent. No alcohol should have any problem to be I resent, I hate, I resent. This is the reason why. This is what it did for me. Then tells you how to look at it, and then you have to go out to another person. You pick another person, you turn your ut, you make another surrender, you do something you don't want to do to pick somebody out. You know some sort of clothes about friend and you say, you know, I like to make love to chickens. Whatever hell you're going to tell you know, and whatever the hell you can saying. That still your guts and you feel better, but you still not cured. And so you do that little exercise, that little fit step exercide, that little fourth step exercise, over and over and over again. You do that immense thing over and over and over again. And for what? Twenty five flipping years, every day, dying, each day, praying to God, each day getting on your knees each day, no let up. Not only going to meeting, sometimes going to two or three meetings today, not sponsoring people, more and what? Extra credit, Shick, going to Bible study and everything. More, more stuff, more stuff, like you sit around the meeting saying, Oh, you know, they talk too much about God here, you know, and everything, and you look at these people and say, I don't be fun doing meetings like they're doing jail time. You know, a form, a form of religion without power, with no power. I got to go to another a a bee got that God, talk about God, what joy? What hanging around them? Two types of people in a the type of people that are believers and love God and want to love God and want to be like people and wish they could be like people that love God, sitting right next to a guy who can't stand it when they talk about God. And the believers can't imagine why the nonbelievers aren't jumping on this train, and the nonbelievers think the believers are full of shit and they don't like them. And we all meet in the same schoolhouse, you know. But I know who makes it to thirty years and I know who makes it to forty years and I know who makes it to the what we're there being rocked in the fourth dimension of existence. I know who does that. And so it's not only the fourth step and it's not only the fourth step and the fifth step and the third step and the first step. You know they are. They're the spiritual exercise. They are the exercises, they are the tools we do in order to learn, learn how to do a life that the man's rigorous honesty and that kind of life, that the man's Res Honesty, which is very hard for an insane person to do when everything in his brain says don't do this shit, it's bullshit. The purse. To learn that feels strange at first, it feels different at first, but as you do it over and over and over again, it becomes easier and easier and easier. You feel better and better and better and one day you wake up and you're not. You're not doing them, or you don't think you're doing them, but the reason you don't think you're doing them is because you're...

...living them. You'll live in a life that the man's were his honesty. So you don't think that way anymore. You don't say things like I'm having a bad my life is screwed up or anything like. You don't say the same things. You don't know who you're screwing with. I'll show you. You don't live that. You don't think that way, because you're doing it every single day, every minute of the day, and you're hanging out with people that are doing it all the time. So even you're hanging out with people at lunch that are doing it, you're hanging out with people during the day that are doing it. You'll wake up in the morning, you're doing you go to sleep at night, you're doing it. You got to this mean, you go to that meaning everything. They're doing it. That's what those are people you want to hang with. God will show you that kind of create the fellows you be praying you crave hanging out with these people. These are the people you want to hang out with, and the more you hang out with them, even if you're having a bad second, as soon as you get in near customy company, you feel great, you feel incredible, you feel rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence. It's a man, this is something else, and then, I believe it's I don't even know what you're talking about, because all they're interested in this group therapy and drama and pay attention to me and listen to it, you know. And they're physically sober, but they're not sober. They're not emotionally sober, they're not that, they're not doing that stuff. So yes, you know, I'm not talking down the steps. By all means do the steps, but this how the steps work is if you do them over and over and over again, you do the steps so many times you do the steps until you're not doing them anymore. Does that make any sense? Well, do the steps. Do the steps, live your wife according to the steps, listening to people who are doing the steps. So I haven't believe in God. The person you will be in the next five years will depend up on the people you hang out with, the books you read. The books you read will depend on the guy out with you know, here's the deal. I can never tell an alcoholic. There's a line in in the book of John John, not John Nine. It's a very interesting line, very spiritual line, where the carpenter there's a guy who's blind, blind from birth, it's never been able to see. Thirty, thirty, forty years old, blind from debt, birth and the carpenter makes them on blind. All of a sudden you can see. But before he makes them on blind. Back in the good old days, that's six or seven two thousand, three thousand years ago, the theory was that if you had bad things happening to you or you were blind or you had alcoholism. If you had alcoholism or you were blind or you got any disease, it was because either you or your parents did something bad. Other way it was like punishment. Other ways, if you were did something that it would follow down for seven generations. I though way so if you were blind because you did something dead and some one of the things they and they asked the carpenter. If they asked them that, they said before he cured the guy, he made them. He says, why was this man blind? Did he do something wrong? Because he was blind since for or his parents, and this is what he said. He said no, he was blind mind to give glory to God. He was blind so you could see the power of God to allow him to see. That's why he was blind. And so I'm seventy one years old and I've had alcoholism and I almost destroyed my life another people's lives and there is no question in my life. You know, one of the things alcoholic you ever ask you something this question? I didn't early on once hard to accept your alcoholism. Hard to accept your an alcoholic. You ever do any things? Sometimes newcomers do it. They say why me? Why am I an alcohol why am I in a? It's a bit, you know. You know, you got to get him off the why question because they're not going to understand it. They'll never understand the why question and it'll dry. They got it. They got a. You better concentrate on how to get out of it, how to fix it. Forget the why question. You know what I mean. Why not? You? You know what I mean, and you see here it's a deal. At Forty Years Sobriety, I finally got the answer to the why question because I was reading John I. Why was an alcoholic to glorify God? Why am I an alcoholic? I'm an alcoholic to give glory to God. You unders the understand. That's what it says in the book. It says all men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead, we let him demonstrate, demonstrate what he can do in our lives. With A, with a sorry. Ask I like me. You know why people like to hear people speak their testimony, their stories. You know what your story is. Your story is about what the power of God can do to somebody who is a wretch.

You know. Hey, how about this story? I was always doing great. I was always doing great, and aw'man a a and I'm doing greater. I was always well and happy, and now that I'm an AA, I'm even happier. No, no, that's not the story. The story is I was blind. My life is over. I thought I was a dead man. I didn't do anything, I was selfish, I couldn't stop drinking, I was powerless. I came and I turned myself over to Aa, to God, whatever it is. And here's where I am. All our stories, the only thing our stories are good for is to demonstrate with the power of God can do in a person's life. Every one of us is a testament to the power of God. That's the reason why. That's that's the reason why. That's it, you know, and it's it's anything you don't. You See. Here's what I can do. Is the interesting thing that I can do. I can when a guy comes in, I can't tell him you're an alcoholic because you are being given the opportunity to glorify God and carrying this message to another alcohol that's your job, that's your purpose in life. I can't tell him that because still say, well, that's pretty much bullshit. You know what I mean. But I'll tell you what. I can tell a guy my story. I can get up like I did right now. I could tell him my story how I'm incredibly excited and overjoyed because I get to tell this story and show what God's grace has done for me. And that same alcoholic that tells me I'm bullshit will say this is what I'll sale say. Man, I'll tell you that's probably bullshit, but I wish I could. I wish I could feel the way that guy feels. I wish I could have with that guy. I can get an alcohol to want what I have with my test. That's that's the deal of the hope that maybe one day I could be like that. That's what I saw in the old timers, not that I understood it, and I check my head, but I said, man, I wish I could think that way. I can't. I I wish I could be that way everybody, and that's that power is available to everybody. So you work this the first step. Look it up in the book tells you how to do it. Astra sponsor. It's not to complicate it. You guys are all brilliant. You know what I mean. You can figure out how to do a four step and then go up to somebody else and pick them out and then talk to them about and yeah, we ever you get out of it. You know what I'm talking about. But I can tell you if you do it and you continue to do it over a period of years, pretty sooner become a way of confession to the people, will become a way of life and you will, you'll and you know, you know, it's the race thing. You don't s racing you in the world, losing fear of people, losing fear by you know what? You know why I can get up and talk like this because I'm not scared of you. I'm not scared of you, I'm not scared of your judgment on it's scared about the guys said that guy's full of bullshit or anything. You know it's like to live a life, to go from living a life where all you do is have hundreds and thousand people on your mind and worry about what they're thinking about you. And why did the guy walk away and why did that guy say that? You know, it's like a little life like that, and not be at all. You have not have anything your mind tied into thinking about what other people are thinking, because who you are has nothing to do with how much money you have or what you wear, or with what Cassandra thinks about me or anything like that. You understand, I'm just picking on the sandrids. I like picking on them. You know what I mean, but you understand what I'm saying. That's the deal. So that was probably a crummy step five. Right, he's gonna Walk Away with me. What did that guy say about say? What do you say about stuff? I talk about stuff, you know, but but trust me, it ain't going to hurt you. And they'll be somebody that all you'll go to a meeting, somebody will actually tell you about that deal, but it's actually written down in the book and in the Big Book and and the Twelve and twelve, and you talk to your sponsor about it. Somehow the people that want to do step five and step forth, I don't know how it is they managed to do it. I don't know how that is. People want to say sober and what would I have or what would you have, or like that. They manage to do step five, they manage to do stuff. They managed to do all the steps. How does that happen? You know, I guess what really is the point with alcoholics is alcoholics. I think alcoholics will do anything, go to anyway if they want it, if they want the results. I think if they want sobriety, what's offered to them, they'll figure out how to do step for I'll tell you what. You know, I spent...

...the whole life, every Friday and Sunday nights in the Barrow and some g'all saying I want, I wish I could have that one. I was only going to believe me. I wanted what you had and I was when we got anything, to get it. I was wonted to bankrupt myself. You know, get that deal. You know what I mean. So if you're an alcohol and you can't figure out how to get, how to get what you want, you don't have the same disease I have. I can tell you, if there's one thing I can trust about alcoholics. They'll figure out how to get what they want if they really wanted enough. The key is when you have the motivation to want it, when you have the motivation so bad to want what you see you could have it. It ain't just don't drink and go to meeting, it's other stuff. Okay, so that's it. That's six and twenty. When do we start fight? Six hundred and twenty nine, wow, one minute. Wow, how I do that?.

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