AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 11 months ago

Russell S. Step 5 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 5 from the Coral Room Zoom January 29, 2021  

Well, hi, could evening everybody. My Name's Russell Stats. I'm an alcoholic and I remember the Celtic SeaGroup about box. Anonymous. How y'all doing? So listen, I well, here's the deal. I'm just gonna tell you what's on my mind.There's a possibility, a possibility, don't put any pressure on me, thatat some point during this talk I might talk about stuff five. But yousee, I've been sober since January twenty thin nineteen eighty one. So thismonth is my I had my forty birthday. I just happened to notice that inthe twelve, the twelve and twelve, was published in nineteen fifty two,which means when the twelve and twelve was published, the person with thelongest sobriety, which I guess was Bill Wilson at the time, had seventeenyears. And I'm not comparing myself, but I'm saying so I've been doingthis, this little Jig we do, for forty years and my perception,my perception as to what this is all about, who I am, whatI am, what we're doing here, what the fifth step is all about, what all these steps are all about, has changed in the last forty years. My perception is to what I we're here and what's important what's notimportant. has changed since I had seventeen years, sobriety. It's changed sinceI had five years right. It's changed since I've had when? Since Ihad thirty years, sobriety. It's just a whole different deal. And whatI am and what I generally do, so I can be completely honest withyou, is when I hope. I hope that you have developed or you'redeveloping or you want to develop a personal relationship with God. I hope thathappens to you. You know the big book. It says. It says, above everything, we must get rid of this selfishness. We must orit kills us. God makes that possible once we make a sincere decision forGod, and there's no middle of the road solution, there's no half measures. Once you make a sincere decision for God, he's going to give useverything we need if we stay close to him and perform his work. Well, so what do you like me with? Your hate me, whatever it is, whether I disturb you, whether I no matter how you feel aboutme, I can tell you this about me. I am a product you'relooking at a product. You're looking at an alcoholic WHO's a product of fortyyears of working this thing. So whatever I turned out to be, it'snot my fault. Whatever however I turned out to me, whoever I amright now, whatever I am right now, good, better and different, it'sit's God's fault and Aa's fault. So blame them if I say anythingto Piss you off. And just remember whenever you disturb, matter what thecause is, something wrong with you. So what happened is in the lastyou know as I'm a lawyer, so I'm a paid bullshit artist. SoI mean, I'm a talker and I've been talking and doing step serious andspeaking at different places all over the place for over thirty years now. Andwhat what I what I used to do, what I don't do what I usedto do anymore. When I feel that God has put something on myheart to talk about, he's helped me see something that I think it's important, that's what I talk about. I don't try to I don't try tofit myself into a certain thing to talk. I talk about what I believe.In my case, the Lord has asked me to talk about which Ithink has something to do with the fifth step, but you'll have to judgethat. I mean, you know, if I was really going to tellyou about the fifth step or the fourth step or whatever, I would tellyou to open up the book of alcoholics anonymous. Read the pages. There'sa chart as to how you do the fourth step. There's a chart andwritten instructions on how you're supposed to look at the fourth step, and thenthere is a direction who you're what you're supposed to do with the fourth step, who you're supposed to take it to and what you're supposed to do.And that's all you need to know about the fifth step. Close mouth friendcould be a psychologist just bringing forth step there. Hey, we're done withthe fifth step. But if you really want to hear what this thing isall about, you know why, why...

...you're even bothering to do this stuff. I think that's what I want to talk about, emotional sobriety and whyyou're bothering to do this stuff and what it's going to ultimately mean for youdown the road. And so that's what I really want to desire to talkto you today. So I I've noticed one of the things they say inthe big book is they say where I actually it's the twelve and twelve is. It says the way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations andthe final crushing of our self sufficiency to the point where we learn the valueof suffering. In the book of James, which is the book that this wholethe whole thing comes from. And the doctor bottom the good old timersin one thousand nine hundred and thirty thirty five. They they this is whatthe bottom line is, according to our conference room material, the books thatthey found absolutely essential before the big book and with the Big Book is basedon his first corinthians thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the book of James. And I've studied the book of James And in Chapter One of the bookof James It says again the same thing it says in in the twelve andtwelve. It says rejoice when you have trials and tribulations and suffering of everykind, because if you persevere, persevere over a lifetime on those trials andyou keep on focusing on God and relationship with God, your Faithfull Mature andhopefully what will happen is your faith will mature, you will go from bekind of coming a child or a boy and you'll become a man. You'llinstead of being a girl, you'll become a woman, you'll actually grow upspiritually. And since I am an alcoholic and I've dealt with and sponsored hundredsand hundreds of alcoholics, alcoholic men, and dealt a lot of people,I know what kind of personality we have. I know what it's like to workwith a sixty year old man who has the emotional capacity of a nineyear old boy. I know we're a narcissistic and we're selfish and we're drawnand we're drama Queens and kings and we're pride thumb sucking prideabies and and allwe do is think about ourselves. And I know where childish and I knowwe don't like it when things they don't go our way and we get pissedoff easily. And I know we're very sensitive, you know actually with touchy, and I understand we're disturbable and I know that deal with that deals allabout. So I know what we're dealing with. So one of the thingsI realized that they talk about in the sixth step and I don't know howmany there maybe a lot of people that haven't gotten to the six step,or seven is that's the ongoing step that separates the boys from the men,of the girls from the women. And then describing the process of separating theboys from the men from the boys, they say this. They say it'sa process that will take a lifetime, a lifetime repeated humiliations. And thewhole point is is this incredible desire. When you have this desire, it'snot a desire to stop drinking anymore, although because the drinking thing has beenlifted. It's the desire to have God remove any impediment at all that comesbetween me and him. Bill Wilson said in alcoholics anonymous number three, theLord has been so wonderful to me, sharing me of this terrible disease,that I've got to keep on talking about it and telling other people and builddots and the man on the bed set. He said that was the golden textfor me, because bill was extremely grateful for to God for everything hehad done for him and he gave all credit to God. I mean BillWilson, Dr Bob, the founders, most of whom belong to church isand in current me courage membership and churches. Those men had a profound relationship withGod. They're the ones who wrote in the book that if you wantto be Ay, if you want to stop drinking, you know something.Just coming day a pick up a white chip, hang around the meetings,make it your bar, drink coffee before the meetings, hang out with afellowship and you won't drink for five years, ten years, fifteen years until you'redrinking again. You won't drink, but you'll openly come to a pointwhere you won't be happy with this variety. You won't drink because you're a memberof alcoholics anonymous. You remember the not drinking club, but there's wholebit as a whole different deal between a member of the not drinking club andbeing rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence...

...of which you would not even dream. Big Difference between not drinking and experiencing much of heaven and knowing peace andknowing surrendering. Big Difference between those two deals and knowing the promises on adaily basis. And that may require a little bit more. You may youneed you may need to you may need to put a little bit more skinin the game. For that you understand what I'm saying. And I cantell you something else, and this is based upon my experience. My firstsponsor used to say when a man with experience meets man with money, theman with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the moneywill walk away with an experience. I'm not basing this on any book knowledge, although a lot of this is is basically consistent with the book or anythingI've been told. I can tell you this based on my own life.Part of the part of the recipe for being rocketed in the fourth dimension ofexistence is a word that alcoholics can't stand, they hate, and the word istime. We all have to do our forty years in the desert,we all have to do our three hours in the oven, we all haveto do our time in the program unfortunately, it's not like drinking. You know, it's great about drinking. I used to. I used to havea hard day at work or a hard day of life or just just lifeis tough, and I would walk into the bar and I would take adouble shot of Scotch Neat. That means no water, and I would whackit down and I'd be okay in five seconds. I'd be okay in fiveseconds. I'm an alcoholic because no woman, no matter, no no woman,no matter money, no, nothing, ever work quite as good as justa few drinks, and that's why I drank it. And if itwork for me today, and I I got that same feeling today that Igot when I was one thousand nine hundred and twenty and twenty one years old, I'd still be drinking it. But it stopped working for me. Andyou want to know something to sad news is it stopped working for me tenyears before I realized that stock working for me, and I heard a lotof people and then I came to Aa and I learned, surprisingly enough,after destroying my life at thirty one years of age, surprisingly enough I foundI learned, that the drinking of alcohol was not even be dis eased,it was the it was the cure for my disease that I use, thatmy real dis ease centering in my mind and not my body, and ithad to do with the fact that I was crazy and I had this kindof craziness that made me unfit to live in this world and be happy.It's impossible for a guy like me to live in this world sober and beat peace with myself. My problem is not my drinking. My problems bythinking. My thinking produces toxic waste. All I do. I don't careabout anybody except myself. I don't give a crap about any you want tosomething. All I want is for everybody to do what I tell them todo. All I want is for things to go my way. All Iwant is for people to stop screwing at me, screwing my my life.All I want is when I get on the road and drive, I wanteverybody to get out of the way. I don't want anybody to cut meoff. I don't want to ever be low on money. I don't wantto ever have to worry about any of the bullshit. I don't want tohave to deal with the idiots out there, and they're all idiots, you know. Let me tell you something. I'm a hater. You guys probablyhave resentments. I have dreams of murdering people I wanted to. I II wake up in the morning and by the time I get to a date, I murdered, tortured fifty people in my mind because they're so stupid theydeserve to die. That's the kind of disease I have. And let metell you, someone, all you do is think bad shit about other peopleand talk bad crap about other people and you don't even realize you have aproblem because the way you've been all your life. You want to know something. Life doesn't turn out to be so good. You know, it doesn'tturn out to be so good, even if you're not drinking and over aperiod of and I'm and over a period of a year or two years orfive years or fifteen years, you're can actually get to the point, likethey say in a what do they say about the Guy Drying? The momenthe says feel better, look better, have a better time, we knowhe's going to drink gang because he's not happy with the sobriety. If youonly knew how many people are out there that have twenty years and twenty fiveyears that are not happy with their sobriety, that are lonely, you know,that are just, you know, just just not just miserable, youknow, but they know how to talk of a meanings, they know howto say stuff and plugging the Jug and all that sort of stuff. Soone of the things that I one of the things that I didn't understand thetime, you know, when I first started doing these steps. I don'tknow about you, I know we have...

...some new comings here. We havesome guys that have been around when I first started doing the steps. Thesteps themselves, as a matter of fact, the AA way of life. There'sa way of life, as any way you says. Rarely have weseen a person fail who was thoroughly followed our path. Those who do notbecome a people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple programusing men and women who are unable, unable to live a life which demandsrigorous honesty. This is a new way of life, this is a wayof life that the man now listen, I know how to live a wayof life that demands rigorous dishonesty. I know how to live a life whichdemands rigorous dishonesty. I am rigorously dishonest. I am selfish, I am selfcentered, I am driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, selfseeking. I step on toes of others. They retaliate. I haveno idea why they're doing it, but I learned over a period of along time. But this thing looks like sober that I made decisions based uponmyself and my self system puts me in a position to be be, behurt. Now I don't see this at first. I'll never see this becausea need everything I do. My spots used to say, Russ why doyou think the way you think and do the things you do and say thestuff you say? And I said him, I said I said, Bob,that's just my personality, that's who I am. And he said tome this. He said, well, Russell, your personality is killing you. That's why they have a second step where we learn. We don't reallyfathom what they're trying to say. Was it says, in a such aNice Day, nice way, that you'll come to believe that there's a powerthat can, that can make you. What does it say? Saying restoreyou to sanity, other words, take you from being insane, insane,to sanity. You know people, when people don't quite grasp is that,if you are an alcohol you've been insane all your life. Now here's thedeal. I'm an attorney. I was a division to you from the statesattorney's office. I was trying murder cases. I can talk, I can walk, I got married, I had a kid. You understand what I'msaying. I pay my taxes. You Win me an other words, ifyou look at me from the outside, I look perfectly normal. As amatter of fact, I'm successful. To all intents and purposes, I'm successful. Of course I blew up my marriage, I walked out of my wife andkid. For someone who out with other women, I've done a millionthings to hurt people. Of course I'm miserable. Of course I drink myselfto death. I can't stop drinking because I'm so miserable inside. Of coursethat's okay. But you understand something. In my mind, I don't thinkI'm insane. I think I'm no different anybody else's mavering. I'm better thaneverybody else in a weird kind of way. In between times I think I'm apiece of shit and I kill myself. And Somehow, some way, Ilived up to the age of thirty one thinking I was perfectly okay,until alcohol brought me to my knees and I realized, because the first stepof getting out of jails, knowing you're general the first place, I realizedthat I could not stop drinking and I was powerless over alcohol and that mylife had become unmanageable and it was unmaginable because I couldn't stop drinking. WhatI didn't know is that it was really unmanageable because I couldn't stop thinking thatmy life was unmanageable because my warped brain, my sickness before I picked up thefirst drink. And the reason I drank is because the first drink Itook made me feel like I wasn't crazy, and so I continue to drink.So I've been crazy with this disease before I started drinking, during thedrinking and for many years after I stopped drinking, because I started realizing thatthis disease centers in your mind and not your body and that you could bethree months ober and five years Ober and twenty years sober and still crazy.Is a flipping loom, you understand? Car Manager wrote a book called managethat some slf about suicide and said alcoholics are men when we are out destroyingmy themselves. I can be an alcoholic and twenty years sober and somehow,in some way beyond the road to destroy myself. I spend more money,I didn't have to buy stuff. I didn't need to impress people I didn'tlike. Why was I always broke? I was always broken this when youspend more money than you make, you going to debt. Why don't Ispend one money that I make? Because I had to buy things. Whydid I have to buy things? Because I knew if I only had thatnew car, I be okay. Why did I have to be why didI fout in the car? Because I'm not okay without that car. Whydid I have to have that black why? Don't have to walk away from mywife? Because I wasn't okay with my life, I'd be okay withthat redhead. Why did I have to do why do I do the thingsI do and then look back and say,...

...why is this happening to me,when I'm automatically choosing in sat insane things to happen to me? Whydo I say the things I say? Why do I think that? Whydon't I just shut up? Why do I think the stuff I think?Why do I think? Why do I think? Why am I lathering upin the shower and I hear this voice, you're an asshole. You ought tokill yourself. You'll never be any why? Who's saying that to me? I look around, there's nobody in the shower except for me. Whydo I think the way I do? Why do I act the way Ido? After many, many, many, many years of working the tent stepand making amends, making amends, because sober I'm always screwing up.Sober, I screw up sober. I heard people. Sober, I sendemails. Sober, I do stupid, insane things. Why, after many, many, many, many years, is unlike taking the shot of Scotch. It says to me that if I really work this thing hard for thatten or fifteen or twenty years, the ten step, what will happen is, instead of turning into a list, you want to know something, you'lllearn something. Called you ready for this restraint of tongue and pen. Youwon't have to worry so much about making amends. How about this? Becauseyou won't be doing stupid shit. Did you not yet? You know,life is tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid. And you know,the bottom line is is that what I found is I got so sick ofmaking amends that it occurred to me that if I don't do stupid shit.I don't have to apologize for it. But what if you let what ifyou're what if? What if you're what if you're weird? What if you'reweird? What if you just can't help? What if? What if, forsome reason you can't help but constantly thinking and doing stupid shit. Now, if you're an alcoholic and your first, you're in your first ten or fifteenyears, you know exactly what you thought what I'm talking about, becauseyou know what it's like to do stupid shit and think stupid shit and notdrink and still feel like a stupid asshole. I guarantee you you know that deal. If you don't know that deal, that you have been hanging around herlong enough with your disease. You know so. So that's that's theproblem. The problem is. Here's the deal. The problem is is whenI first came in, when I first came into a a and I startedworking these steps and doing this stuff. And let me tell you some partof working these steps are not only formally doing the fifth step and formally doingthe fourth step and formally doing the third step, you know, on thenew stuff, but a lot of wearing these steps that looking back. Youknow a lot of this stuff you see in the rearview mirror. I nowrealize that huge portion of working the steps that you don't understand. You're notquite sure why you do it. A lot of the poor these working,these steps have to do with just following directions given by a sponsor which don'tmake any sense. And you know where alcoholics, because you know alcoholics,don't want to do anything if it doesn't make any sense, there's a realproblem. Your forced to live a life that that demand's honesty when you wantto do dishonest things, a life that you're scared to what you're forced todo that when you don't understand why you should do that. When I goup to a sponsor and I'm three months ober and I and I'm going tomeetings, you know, which is a big deal to me, going tomeetings like I'm going to meets and I tell him I'm broke and I don'thave any money and I can't go to sleep at night and I'm worried,and he says to me, I know what your problem is. You needto start making coffee for the group. You need to start making coughs forthe group. And Somehow in my mind I don't understand how making coffee forthe group is going to help the money problem. What I don't realize iswhen I follow that spawns throw over to the coffee pall and he shows mehow to make the coffee and I make the coffee and stay instead of sayingscrew this shit, this guy's crazy, and I actually make the coffee.And then when the next day rolls around and I don't want to go tothe meeting because I'm depressed, because I'm always depressed because no money came inand I feel crappy, I don't want to go to mean but I pickmy ass up and I go to the meeting because because I have to makethe coffee and the people are depending on me to make the coffee. Youunderstand. And so I do that for eighteen months. And three months intoit the money probably gets solved. Somehow the money comes in and I makethe coffee that and some you know when I do that, and somehow Istay sober and now I'm relatively happy and all I did was make coffee andshow up at the meeting. You See, I don't realize that that's the firststep I don't realize that's a surrender of my will to God's will thatwants to be a mass no service. I don't realize that's the third step, that's the real third step, that...

...every time I do that I'm makinga decision for God instead of addition. I don't realize that by doing thatI am surrendering my will and doing his will. You know and say Idon't realize that that is that is the steps in action. You understand,you know, because I don't even realize that's the step. I'm just followingdirect I'm just doing what I'm told. I don't realize that just doing whatyou're told, even though you don't understand why you're doing it, is amajor spiritfual step. They say something like you have to have what a DrYoung say if you have to have a psychic change, a psychic chack.IDEAS, emotions and acids that are the guiding force of these men's lives arepushed one side and you become dominated by a whole new set of ideas,emotions and attitudes. So somehow, some way, instead of operating in away of life where you automatically go to the lie, you automatically rationalized.Tell you some rationalize. You're automatically go to the hatred. You'll automatically goto I can't believe this shit is happening to me. You automatically don't goto why is this always happening to me? They don't know who they're screwing up, screwing with. I'll show them. This is a bunch of bullshit.I don't need this. I'm having a bad year. I'm you.Haven't you ever? You ever say these words? I'm having a bad freakingday. You ever say I'm having a bad you ever tell you something?Yeah, you ever tell somebody else, man, you're having you ever tellsomebody I've had a bad week? Never tell something you have the I meanwe're talking about the whole fucking week. You under still saying not a brightspot on you ever say you somebody had a bad week, a bad week. How about this? You ever tell somebody this is the worst fucking yearin my entire life? I'm having a bad year. You know why?Because that's the way I'll waltz talk. That's way Alcoholson's is. These talk. You know how, and you know they say that when they're sober youknow now it's a lie. It's all bullshit, but that's what they think. I'm having a bad way, I'm having a bit. That's what alcoholicsin a that have three months, four months, five years, ten years. They say. I'm just having a bad life, my life sucks,you know. You know why? Because alcoholics are memo fucking dramatic and BILOPtraumatic. Man. How do you get rid of that? You don't getrid of that. That's the disease. It doesn't want to be getting ridof. It wants to be noticed, it wants attention. That's what you'redealing that's the shit you're dealing with. That's the crab of your deal.And you're not dealing with the drinking anymore, man, you're dealing with the realdeal. You know, you got to be a professional on this one. This is this is super bowl stuff, you know. And so what Ido is I start doing these steps, and the steps that I have todo are so weird and so strange and they're so different that you realizeyou're doing them because they're so distinct. Here's what you say. These aOh I got to do a fourth step. Oh I got to do a tenstep, Oh, you go to me says, yesterday this happened andI did a ten step on it and I turned it over and I dida third step on it. Oh, I think I just did a twelvestep. You help some I did a twelve stuff and I and there's soreal. The steps are so real that you have to listen this. Yougot to force yourself to do it. You Force yourself to do it.You use even saying in in twelve and twelve they say. Don't anybody saythat you can't use willpower. You use your will power every time you sayI'm going to go to the meeting and stay, instead of saying screw that, I'm going to stay at home. Every time, every time your sponsorsays, why don't you stop thinking about yourself and help that guy in thefront row, and you go to you're using your you're turning your willow everytime you do what a tells you to do, what you're instructive, everytime you say the serenity prayer when you feel in crappy instead of saying screwthis bullshit, your your turn. You're doing the steps. And so youwork the steps and you work the steps and it's so obvious how you workthe steps and you do the fifth step and you do the fourth step andyou do the ten step and you're taking inventory every all the time, andyou know you're taking inventory because you're doing it and you're asking God's help inthe morning, you're doing the third step in the morning and you're doing thethird step at night and you're doing every step in the world and it's soobvious to you, like wax on and wax off, like karate hit,lacks on, laps a, lax UN laps off, laps on, lapsall and then one day, one day, well, and you know something,you hardly notice that anything's changing. It's still all busher. You isstill you got to do these steps because your life and Shit, because thingsare going bad, because people are praising. I mean, you got to bedoing these ten step because you react to him. You're not doing goodon the restraint a tongue and pain you got to do on these fifth steps. You going in your pour out your heart. You got to be onthe means. You got to work this thing like a son of a bitchthe first ten, fifteen, twenty years and then all of a sudden couldbecause you want to know something, because...

...over this period of time, asyou're crushed and crushed and crushed and crushed and crushed, screwed up and dealingwith the boredom and the bullshit, and what is it going to be better? Because you're you're like a child's son, patient to be wonderful and everything,and you want that guy the thirty years. You want what he hadand you're willing to do to any length to get it, but you wouldlike it tomorrow. Tomorrow it doesn't seem be it seemed to be working sodamn slow. You know what I mean. And and that's the deal. Andyou do the steps and you work the steps and then one day youwake up there you wake up. I don't know when this happened. Ican't even tell you for sure what it happens in my life. I can'ttell you know the I'll tell you what, when I talk, what I usuallysay. It happened at around twenty five years. I don't say thatto make people feel bad. I just tell him the truth. I mean, when you're up here, just tell the truth. I mean, I'mjust not good when you up here. You know I'm not saying I canget anything about a before twenty, from twenty five years, I didn't,I want to say it was all horrible. But somewhere around twenty five years Iwoke up in the morning feeling good and I went through the day feelinggood and, I want to say, the night feeling good, and Iwoke up the next day feeling good. I welcome next thing feeling good,and it got progressively better and better and better, and I realized, man, I've been feeling good for a long freaking time. Along freaking time.I've been feeling good for like months and months and months. And then youlook back at s this, man, I've been feeling great for fifteen yearsand you realize that you're not working the steps. You can't even talk aboutthe steps because you're not working them and you don't understand how come I feelso good and so blessed and I'm rocking in the fourth dimension of existence,I'm experiencing much of Heaven and I'm not working the steps. That I meanI can't talk at AA. And then you realize that you've been doing thestep so long that you're not working the steps. You're just living the steps. You're living the steps, because the great facts is this and nothing less, that God has become the central fact of your life. Your whole lifeis about thinking about the Lord. Like Bill Wilson, suppose that you areconvinced that God exists. Either is or isn't. There are no middle ofthe road solutions, and you're convinced that he lives in your heart of mindin a way which is deep miraculous, and he's doing for you what youcan't do for yourself, that all things will work for good for those lovehim and are called to do his purpose. And you've given your life over tohim. You've given you've given twenty, five, thirty years of your lifeover to him. And every once in a while, they have thoughtcomes into your mind and just give it over the Lord. You say,I'm not going to think this way, God help me, and it happensin a nanosecond. It doesn't happen for you. Don't take three hours todo it, at five hours to do it, you do it automatically.You just refuse to think bad thoughts about people, even when they deserve it. And and what you do is you you know he's going to give youeverything you need if you stay close to him and you perform his work welland your whole life is best staying close to God. You even do someof the extra credit stuff. They say in the book where they say weencourage church membership, they say it twice. That's what they said. The foundsays we encourage it. You'll be a bright spot and then you churchand everything. We encourage church membership. We encourage all sorts of study,studying other material. You're just you started in spiritual kindergarten. Go to highschool, go to college, get closer and closer to God. Improve Yourconscious contact with God. Improve Your consciousness. Well, now I got twenty fiveyears. What should I do? Improve Your conscious contact with God.Well, I got thirty years. Now, what should I do? You needto reprove your conscious contact with God. And so I wake up in themorning I think about scripture because I start a Bible study and I havespawn and I have a sponsor. Now it's third and I get a sponsorand he's a baptist preacher and he's sitting next to me without sixty other guysand I and I and I'm going to I don't know, ten fifteen ameans a week that I'm going to three Bible Studies, and also my wholelife is evolved around this stuff and I've noticed that I don't think about carsor women or all that sort of stuff. I live a really boring life.All I do is I want to think about God and help other people, and I noticed that I'm not. I'm not anxious anymore and even ifanxiety come, comes because of Abo blue, something happens or things like that happens, it doesn't last one than a few seconds, a minute to two, and then it's gone because I'm not I don't have to turn my lifeover to God, because I'm living it turned over life. I'm living awhile, I'm living the steps. I'm...

...living a life which demands rigorous onI'm living a life that demands rigorous honesty. I'm living a life. I don'thave to make believe I believe in God. I believe in God.I don't have to make believe that I'm living. I'm involved in the joyof living, because I've got joy. I'm not looking for happiness. That'sfor bullshit. Happiness is from happy. I was in for happiness all mylife. I get it, I lose it. I get it. Iwant joy. I want the kind of joy you have that, even whenthey told me I had cancer, I said thank you Lord. I knowthere's a reason for this. Whenever anything happens to me, I just wantto give glory because that's what it tells me the big book. All ofa sudden, I'd say these things aren't strange. When they say we neverapologize for God, we've turned our life over to God, we're on anew basis. We never apologize to God. All men of God, all menof faith, that courage, they trust their God. We never apologizeto God. Instead, we let him demonstrate in our lives, demonstrate ourlives with God to do for us and how we can change us from aperson to walk around saying I'm having a bed freaking day to saying this isincredible, my life is incredible. I'm sorry, I can't help it ifit took me twenty five years. What does it matter? As long asyou and well, what does it matter? As long as you and well,you know you can actually come in downcohol and so and so so thesethings. I do like the fifth step and the fourth step where somehow weneed an explanation. It's it what we do. Alcohols the explanations because wheneveran alcohol is told something he doesn't like, it confuses them. So we needpeople to take us through it and say, and what is it?It should make a fourth step. It tells you the four list how todo it. Well, I resent. No alcohol should have any problem tobe I resent, I hate, I resent. This is the reason why. This is what it did for me. Then tells you how to look atit, and then you have to go out to another person. Youpick another person, you turn your ut, you make another surrender, you dosomething you don't want to do to pick somebody out. You know somesort of clothes about friend and you say, you know, I like to makelove to chickens. Whatever hell you're going to tell you know, andwhatever the hell you can saying. That still your guts and you feel better, but you still not cured. And so you do that little exercise,that little fit step exercide, that little fourth step exercise, over and overand over again. You do that immense thing over and over and over again. And for what? Twenty five flipping years, every day, dying,each day, praying to God, each day getting on your knees each day, no let up. Not only going to meeting, sometimes going to twoor three meetings today, not sponsoring people, more and what? Extra credit,Shick, going to Bible study and everything. More, more stuff,more stuff, like you sit around the meeting saying, Oh, you know, they talk too much about God here, you know, and everything, andyou look at these people and say, I don't be fun doing meetings likethey're doing jail time. You know, a form, a form of religionwithout power, with no power. I got to go to another aa bee got that God, talk about God, what joy? What hangingaround them? Two types of people in a the type of people that arebelievers and love God and want to love God and want to be like peopleand wish they could be like people that love God, sitting right next toa guy who can't stand it when they talk about God. And the believerscan't imagine why the nonbelievers aren't jumping on this train, and the nonbelievers thinkthe believers are full of shit and they don't like them. And we allmeet in the same schoolhouse, you know. But I know who makes it tothirty years and I know who makes it to forty years and I knowwho makes it to the what we're there being rocked in the fourth dimension ofexistence. I know who does that. And so it's not only the fourthstep and it's not only the fourth step and the fifth step and the thirdstep and the first step. You know they are. They're the spiritual exercise. They are the exercises, they are the tools we do in order tolearn, learn how to do a life that the man's rigorous honesty and thatkind of life, that the man's Res Honesty, which is very hard foran insane person to do when everything in his brain says don't do this shit, it's bullshit. The purse. To learn that feels strange at first,it feels different at first, but as you do it over and over andover again, it becomes easier and easier and easier. You feel better andbetter and better and one day you wake up and you're not. You're notdoing them, or you don't think you're doing them, but the reason youdon't think you're doing them is because you're...

...living them. You'll live in alife that the man's were his honesty. So you don't think that way anymore. You don't say things like I'm having a bad my life is screwed upor anything like. You don't say the same things. You don't know whoyou're screwing with. I'll show you. You don't live that. You don'tthink that way, because you're doing it every single day, every minute ofthe day, and you're hanging out with people that are doing it all thetime. So even you're hanging out with people at lunch that are doing it, you're hanging out with people during the day that are doing it. You'llwake up in the morning, you're doing you go to sleep at night,you're doing it. You got to this mean, you go to that meaningeverything. They're doing it. That's what those are people you want to hangwith. God will show you that kind of create the fellows you be prayingyou crave hanging out with these people. These are the people you want tohang out with, and the more you hang out with them, even ifyou're having a bad second, as soon as you get in near customy company, you feel great, you feel incredible, you feel rocketed in the fourth dimensionof existence. It's a man, this is something else, and then, I believe it's I don't even know what you're talking about, because allthey're interested in this group therapy and drama and pay attention to me and listento it, you know. And they're physically sober, but they're not sober. They're not emotionally sober, they're not that, they're not doing that stuff. So yes, you know, I'm not talking down the steps. Byall means do the steps, but this how the steps work is if youdo them over and over and over again, you do the steps so many timesyou do the steps until you're not doing them anymore. Does that makeany sense? Well, do the steps. Do the steps, live your wifeaccording to the steps, listening to people who are doing the steps.So I haven't believe in God. The person you will be in the nextfive years will depend up on the people you hang out with, the booksyou read. The books you read will depend on the guy out with youknow, here's the deal. I can never tell an alcoholic. There's aline in in the book of John John, not John Nine. It's a veryinteresting line, very spiritual line, where the carpenter there's a guy who'sblind, blind from birth, it's never been able to see. Thirty,thirty, forty years old, blind from debt, birth and the carpenter makesthem on blind. All of a sudden you can see. But before hemakes them on blind. Back in the good old days, that's six orseven two thousand, three thousand years ago, the theory was that if you hadbad things happening to you or you were blind or you had alcoholism.If you had alcoholism or you were blind or you got any disease, itwas because either you or your parents did something bad. Other way it waslike punishment. Other ways, if you were did something that it would followdown for seven generations. I though way so if you were blind because youdid something dead and some one of the things they and they asked the carpenter. If they asked them that, they said before he cured the guy,he made them. He says, why was this man blind? Did hedo something wrong? Because he was blind since for or his parents, andthis is what he said. He said no, he was blind mind togive glory to God. He was blind so you could see the power ofGod to allow him to see. That's why he was blind. And soI'm seventy one years old and I've had alcoholism and I almost destroyed my lifeanother people's lives and there is no question in my life. You know,one of the things alcoholic you ever ask you something this question? I didn'tearly on once hard to accept your alcoholism. Hard to accept your an alcoholic.You ever do any things? Sometimes newcomers do it. They say whyme? Why am I an alcohol why am I in a? It's abit, you know. You know, you got to get him off thewhy question because they're not going to understand it. They'll never understand the whyquestion and it'll dry. They got it. They got a. You better concentrateon how to get out of it, how to fix it. Forget thewhy question. You know what I mean. Why not? You?You know what I mean, and you see here it's a deal. AtForty Years Sobriety, I finally got the answer to the why question because Iwas reading John I. Why was an alcoholic to glorify God? Why amI an alcoholic? I'm an alcoholic to give glory to God. You understhe understand. That's what it says in the book. It says all menof faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead, we let him demonstrate, demonstrate what he can do in ourlives. With A, with a sorry. Ask I like me. You knowwhy people like to hear people speak their testimony, their stories. Youknow what your story is. Your story is about what the power of Godcan do to somebody who is a wretch.

You know. Hey, how aboutthis story? I was always doing great. I was always doing great, and aw'man a a and I'm doing greater. I was always well andhappy, and now that I'm an AA, I'm even happier. No, no, that's not the story. The story is I was blind. Mylife is over. I thought I was a dead man. I didn't doanything, I was selfish, I couldn't stop drinking, I was powerless.I came and I turned myself over to Aa, to God, whatever itis. And here's where I am. All our stories, the only thingour stories are good for is to demonstrate with the power of God can doin a person's life. Every one of us is a testament to the powerof God. That's the reason why. That's that's the reason why. That'sit, you know, and it's it's anything you don't. You See.Here's what I can do. Is the interesting thing that I can do.I can when a guy comes in, I can't tell him you're an alcoholicbecause you are being given the opportunity to glorify God and carrying this message toanother alcohol that's your job, that's your purpose in life. I can't tellhim that because still say, well, that's pretty much bullshit. You knowwhat I mean. But I'll tell you what. I can tell a guymy story. I can get up like I did right now. I couldtell him my story how I'm incredibly excited and overjoyed because I get to tellthis story and show what God's grace has done for me. And that samealcoholic that tells me I'm bullshit will say this is what I'll sale say.Man, I'll tell you that's probably bullshit, but I wish I could. Iwish I could feel the way that guy feels. I wish I couldhave with that guy. I can get an alcohol to want what I havewith my test. That's that's the deal of the hope that maybe one dayI could be like that. That's what I saw in the old timers,not that I understood it, and I check my head, but I said, man, I wish I could think that way. I can't. II wish I could be that way everybody, and that's that power is available toeverybody. So you work this the first step. Look it up inthe book tells you how to do it. Astra sponsor. It's not to complicateit. You guys are all brilliant. You know what I mean. Youcan figure out how to do a four step and then go up tosomebody else and pick them out and then talk to them about and yeah,we ever you get out of it. You know what I'm talking about.But I can tell you if you do it and you continue to do itover a period of years, pretty sooner become a way of confession to thepeople, will become a way of life and you will, you'll and youknow, you know, it's the race thing. You don't s racing youin the world, losing fear of people, losing fear by you know what?You know why I can get up and talk like this because I'm notscared of you. I'm not scared of you, I'm not scared of yourjudgment on it's scared about the guys said that guy's full of bullshit or anything. You know it's like to live a life, to go from living alife where all you do is have hundreds and thousand people on your mind andworry about what they're thinking about you. And why did the guy walk awayand why did that guy say that? You know, it's like a littlelife like that, and not be at all. You have not have anythingyour mind tied into thinking about what other people are thinking, because who youare has nothing to do with how much money you have or what you wear, or with what Cassandra thinks about me or anything like that. You understand, I'm just picking on the sandrids. I like picking on them. Youknow what I mean, but you understand what I'm saying. That's the deal. So that was probably a crummy step five. Right, he's gonna WalkAway with me. What did that guy say about say? What do yousay about stuff? I talk about stuff, you know, but but trust me, it ain't going to hurt you. And they'll be somebody that all you'llgo to a meeting, somebody will actually tell you about that deal,but it's actually written down in the book and in the Big Book and andthe Twelve and twelve, and you talk to your sponsor about it. Somehowthe people that want to do step five and step forth, I don't knowhow it is they managed to do it. I don't know how that is.People want to say sober and what would I have or what would youhave, or like that. They manage to do step five, they manageto do stuff. They managed to do all the steps. How does thathappen? You know, I guess what really is the point with alcoholics isalcoholics. I think alcoholics will do anything, go to anyway if they want it, if they want the results. I think if they want sobriety,what's offered to them, they'll figure out how to do step for I'll tellyou what. You know, I spent...

...the whole life, every Friday andSunday nights in the Barrow and some g'all saying I want, I wish Icould have that one. I was only going to believe me. I wantedwhat you had and I was when we got anything, to get it.I was wonted to bankrupt myself. You know, get that deal. Youknow what I mean. So if you're an alcohol and you can't figure outhow to get, how to get what you want, you don't have thesame disease I have. I can tell you, if there's one thing Ican trust about alcoholics. They'll figure out how to get what they want ifthey really wanted enough. The key is when you have the motivation to wantit, when you have the motivation so bad to want what you see youcould have it. It ain't just don't drink and go to meeting, it'sother stuff. Okay, so that's it. That's six and twenty. When dowe start fight? Six hundred and twenty nine, wow, one minute. Wow, how I do that?.

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