AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 8 months ago

Russell S. Step 5 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 5 from the Coral Room Zoom January 29, 2021  

Well, I col eat MEO everybody, myname's Russell spats, O'm, an alcoholic, and I remember the Salti se grew ofalcholit's anonymous. How you all doing so, listen! Well, here's a deal, I'm justgonna, tell you what's on my mind, there's a possibility, a possibility!Don't put any pressure on me that at some point during this talk I mighttalk about step five, but you see I've been sover since January. Twenty T, one thousand ninehundred and eighty one. So this month is my. I had my fortieth birthday. I justhappened to notice that in the Twelveth, the twelve and twelve waspublished, one thousand nine hundred and fifty two, which means when the twelve and twelvewas published the person with the longest sobriety, which I guess wasBill Wilson at the time, had seventeen years and I'm not comparing myself, but I'msaying so. I've been doing this this little Jig we do for forty years and my perception my perception as to what this is allabout, who I am what I am what we're doing here, what the fifthstuff is all about. What all these steps are all about. Has Changed in the last forty years? My perception is to why we hear andwhat's important. What's not important has changed since I had seventeen years, OBriday, it's changed since I had five years FOMRI, it's changed since I'vehad on O, since I have thirty years, O Briety, it's just a whole differentdeal and what I'e and what I generally do. So I can becompletely honest with you is when I hope. I hope that you have developed or you'redeveloping or you want to develop a personal relationship with God. I hope that happens to you. You know an the big book. It says it says above everything we must getrid of this selfishness. We Must Orto kills us. God makes that possible once we make asincere decision for gode and there's no middle of the road solution, there'sno half measures once you make a sincere decision, for God he's going togive us everything we need if we stay close to him and perform his work. Well. So what you like me with your hate mewhatever it is, whether I disturb you whether I no matter how you feel aboutme. I can tell you this about me. I am a product you're, looking at a product,you're, looking an alcoholic WHO's, a product of forty years of working thisthing, so whatever I turned out to be it's notmy fault whatever. However, I turned out to me,whoever I am right now, whatever I am right now: good, better and different,it's it's God's fault and Aa's fault, so we blame them. If I say anything toPuss you off and just remember whenever you disturb no matter what the cause issomething wrong with you. So what happened is in the last. You know I I'm a lawyer, so I'm a pay bullshitartist, so I mean I'm a talker and I've been talking anddoing stuff, serious and speaking of different places all over the place forover thirty years now, and what what I, what I used to do, we,I don't do what I used to anymore, when I feel that God has put somethingon my heart to talk about he's helpd me see something that Ithink is important. That's what I talk about. I don't tryto. I don't try to fit myself into a certain thing to talk. I talk aboutwhat I believe. In my case, the Lord has asked me to talk about which I think has something to do withthe fifth step, but you'll have to judge that I mean you know if I wasreally going to tell you about the fifth step or the fourth step orwhatever. I would tell you to open up the book of Alcoholics. Anonymous readthe pages, there's a chart as to how you do the fourthstep there's a chartand written instructions on how you're supposed to look at the Forstep, andthen there is a direction who you're what you're supposed to do with thefortstep who you're supposed to take it to and what you're supposed to do, andthat's all you need to know about the fith step. Close Boud friend could be apsychologist. Just bring your for step. There, hey we're done with the FITSTEP, but if you really want to hear...

...what this thing is all about, you know why why you're even botheringto do this stuff? I think that's what I want to talk about emotional prity andwhy you're bothering to do this stuff and what it's going to ultimately meanfor you down the road, and so that's what I really want todesire to talk to abot today. So I I've noticed one of the things they saay in the bigbook is they say Righ? Actually, it's said twelve andtwelve, as it says. The way we got a new perspective is by repeatedhumiliations and the final crushing of our self sufficiency, to the pointwhere we learn the value of suffering in the book of James, which is the bookthat this hold the whole thing comes from, and the cock, the Bob, the goodold timers in one thousand nine hundred and thirty thirty five they. This is what the bottom line is,according to our conference root material, the books that they foundabsolutely essential before the big book and what the Big Book is based onhis first Urinthan, thirteen sermon on the mout and the book of James and I'vestudied the book at James And in chapter one of the Bookat cans and says again the same thing. It says in in the twelve and twelve. It saysrejoice when you have trials and tribulations and suffering of everykind, because if you persevere, persevere over a lifetime on thosetrials- and You keep on focusing on God and relationship with God, yourfaithful, mature and hopefully what will happen. As your faithfill mature,you will go from becime coming a child or a boy and you'll become a man you'l. instead of being a girl, you'llbecome a woman, you'll actually grow up spiritually and since I am an alcoholic and I dealtwith and sponsored hundreds and hundreds of alcoholics and alcoholicmen and Dou a lot of people, I know what kind of personality we have. Iknow what it's like to work with a sixty year old man who has theemotional capacity of a nine year old boy. I know we're onarsosistic andwe're selfish and we're drun and wirh drama, Queens and kings and were pridesfumbsucking, priages and and all we do is think about ourselves,and I know where childish- and I know we don't like it when things thiy don'tgo our way and we get pissed off easily and I know we're very sensitive. Youknow actually wuld touchy and I understand we're disturbable and I knowthat deal what that deals all about. So I know what we're dealing with so one of the things I realize thatthey talk about in the six step, and I don't know how many there, maybe a lotof people that haven, Gon ton, the six step or seven is that's the ongoingstep that separates the voice from the men of the girls from the women and then describing the process ofseparating the boys from the the men from the boys. They say this, they say it's a processthat will take a lifetime, a lifetime to repeated umiliations and- and the whole point is- is thisincredible desire? When you have this desire? It's not a desire to stopdrinking anymore, although because the dranking thing has been lifted, it'sthe desire to have God remove any impediment at all. That comes betweenme and him do Wilson said in altpops anonus numberthree. The Lord has been so wonderful to me, sharing me of this terribledisease that I've got to keep on talking about it and telling otherpeople and Bill Dockson the man on the bedset. He said that was the goldentext for me, because bill was extremely grateful for to God for everything he had done forhim and he gave all credit to God. I mean Bill Wilson, Dorbob, the founders,most of whom belong to Churchis, an icurrent courage, membership inchurches. Those men had a a profound relationship with God, they're the oneswho wrote in the book that if you want to be Ey, if you want to stop drinking, youknow something just coming to a pick up a light chip hangg around the meatingsmake it your bar drink coffee before the meetings hang out with thefellowship and you won't drink for five years. Ten years, fifteen years untilyou're drinking AIT, you won't drink, but you'll, hopefully come to a pointwhere you won't be happy. With this Friday. You all drink because you're, amember of AUHOLS, anonymous you're, a member of the, not drinking club, butthis whole bit is a whole different deal between a member of the, notdrinking club and being rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence onwhich you would not even dream...

...big difference between not drinking andexperiencing much of heaven, anknowing peace and knowing Seretia big differencebetween those two deals and knowing the promises on a daily basis, and that mayrequire a little bit more. You may you neen you may need to. You may need to put a little bit moreskin in the game. For that you understand what I'm saying, and I can tell you something else, andthis is based upon my experience. My first sponts use to say when a manwithexperience, ments mal with money, the man with experience, will walk awaywith the money and the medbl of the money will walk way with an experience.I'm not basing this on any book knowledge, although a lot of this is,is basically consistent with the book or anything. I've been told. I can tellyou this base on my own life. Part of the part of the recipe for beingrocketeed in the fourth dimension of existence is a word that alcoholicscan't stand. They hate and the word is time we all have to do our forty years inthe desert. We all have to do our three hours in the oven. We all have todo our time in the program. Unfortunately, it's not like drinking.You Know Wat's great about drankand. I used to I used to have a hard day andwork or a hard day of life were just just. Life is tough and I would walk inthe bar and I would take a double shot of Scotch neat that he's no water and Iwould whack it down and I'd be okay in five seconds. I'd beokay in five seconds: I'm an alcohol ECAUSE, no woman, no matter! No, nowoman, no mount of money know nothing ever work quite as good as just a fewdreaks, and that's why I drank it and if it worked for me today- and I gotthat same feeling today- that I got when I was one thousand nine Hundrenand twenty and twenty one years old, I'd still be drinking it, but itsstopped working for me and you want to know something. The sad news is it stopworking for me. Ten years before, I realized that stocked working for meand I heard a lot of people and then I came to Aa, and I learned surprisinglyenough after destroying my life at thirty one years of age, surprising meenough. I Kind I learned that the drinking of alcohol was not even bethisease. It was the it was the cure for my disease that I use that my realdisease centered in my mind and not my body, and it had to do with the factthat I was crazy and I had this kind of craziness that made me unfit to live inthis world and be happy it's impossible for a guy. Like me to live in thisworld sober and be at peace with myself, my problem is not my drinking mypromise, my thinking, my thinking produces toxic waste. All I do. I don't care about anybodyexcept myself. I don't give me crap out Anyi, you want to Kno something. All Iwant is for everybody to do. What I tell them to do. All I want is for things to go. My Way. All I want is for people to stopscrewing it screwing my up my life. All I want iswhen I get on th road and drive, I want everybody to get out of the way. Idon't want anybody to cut me off. I don't want to ever be low on month. Idon't want to ever have to worry about any hevolsion. I don't want to have todeal with the idiots out there and they're all INS. You know, let me tellyou something: I'm a hater. You guys probably have resentments. I havedreams of murdering people. I want I wake up in the morning and by thetime I get to the EMGATE, I murdered tortured fifty people in my mind,because they're so stupid they deserve to die, that's the kind of disease Ihave, and let me tell you something all you do is think bad shit about otherpeople and talk bad crap out of other people, and you don't even realize youhave a problem because is the way you've been all your life. You want toknow something. Life doesn't turn out to be so good nit doesn't try Hav to be so good, evenif you're, not drinking and over a period of, and I'm an overperiod of ayear, Tho years or five years or fifteen years, You'e can actually getto the point like they say it AA. What do they say about the Guy Dry? In themoment he says, feel better. Look, better, Havi, better time we know he'sgoing to drink Yin because he's not happy with the sobriety. If you only know how many people areout there that have twenty years and twenty five years that are not happywith their sobriety that are lonely, you know that Ar Jus,you know just just not just miserable, you know, but they know how to talk. Aameans they know how to say stuff and plunging the Jug and all that sort ofstuff. So one of the things that I one of thethings that I didn't understand the time you know when I first starteddoing these steps. I don't know about...

...you. I know we have some new cominghere. We have some guys that have been around when I first started doing thesteps, the steps themselves as a matter of fact, the a way of life there's away of life, as they wit, you says, rarely haven't seen the person fell. Itwas thoroughly followed our path, those who do not becover people cannot orwill not completely give themselves to this simple program. Usually men andwomen are unable unable to live a life which demands rigorous honesty. This is a new way of life. This is away of life that theman now listen. I know how to live way of life thatdemands rigorous dishonesty. I know how to live a life which demandsrigorous dishonesty. I am rigorously dishonest. I am selfish. I am selfsetter. I am driven by hundred forms of Fer selfdelusion selfseeking. I step ontoes of others. They retaliate that I have no idea why they're doing it, butI learn over a period of a long time lot. This thing looks like sober that Imade decisions based UON myself and my Sumsis. That puts me in he position tobe be be hurt. Now I don't see this at first I'll, never see this, because Ineed everything I do my sponsused to say Russ. Why do you think the way youthink and do the things you do and save the stuff? You say- and I said, O him.I said I said Bob, that's just my personality, that'swho I am, and he said to me that he said well Russell. Your personality iskilling you that's why they have a second stepwhere we learn. We don't really fathom what they're trying to say Bethis. Itsays in Ta such a Nice Day, nice way that you'll come to believe thatthere's a power that can that can make you. What does it say,saying: Westore you to Saturday other words taking from being insaneinsane to sanity. You know people a whike people don't quite rast. Is thatif you are an alcohol you've been insane all your life. Now here's thedeal, I'm an attorney. I was division to on the state's Attorney's office. Iwas trying murder cases I can talk. I can walk. I got married. I had a kidyou unrstill, I'm saying I came like taxes Yoa, you wuld. In other words, ifyou look at me from the outside, I look perfectly nomimal as a matter of fact,I'm successful to all intens of purposes, I'm successful. Of course Iblew up my marriage. I walked out of my life and kid to someone to go out withother women. I've got a million things to hurt beable, of course, I'mmiserable. Of course. I drink myself to death. I can't stop drinking becauseI'm so miserable inside. Of course, that's okay, but you understandsomething in my mind. I don't think I'm insane. I think I'm no differenthananybody else is mavric ating, I'm better than everybody else in a weirdkind of way in between times, I think I'm a piece of Shit, and I only tellmyself and somehow some way I lived up to the age of thirty one thinking. Iwas perfently. Okay until alcohol brought me to my knees, and I realizedbecause the first step of getting out of jails, knowing your jounal the firstplace, I realized that I could not stop drinking and I was powerless overalcohol and that my life had become unmanageable and it was umaginablebecause I couldn't stop drinking. What I didn't know is that it was reallyUNMAGAABAL, because I couldn't stop thinking that my life was unmagigable,because my warked brain my sickness before I picked up the first Drin andthe reason I drank is cas the first drink I took made me feel like I wasn'tcrazed, ind wo. I continue to drink, so I'vebeen crazy with this disease before I started drinking during the drinkingtand for many years after I stopped drinking because I start realizing thatthis disease centers in your mind and not your body, and that you could bethree months ober and five years Ober and twenty years over and still crazisa flip alone. Yung standird Carl Menager wrote a book called Mane, gethimself that suicide and said alcohol or men won, are out destroy mythemselves. I can be an alcoholic in twenty years, sober and somehow in someway beyond the road to destroy myself. I spent more money I didn't have to buystuff. I didn't need to impress people I didn't like. Why was I always broke?I was always broken this man, you spend more money than you. Makeyou go te debt.Why don't? I spend Mi one money that Niht, because I had to bi things. Whydid I have to buy things? Because I knew if I only had that new car I'd beokay? Why did I have to be? Why did at fit in the car? Because I'm not okay?Without that car, why didn't I have to have that one? I have to walk away frommy wife, because I wasn't okay with my wife. I'd be okay with that redhet. WhyDidn I have to do. Why do I do the...

...things I do and then look back and say: Why is this happening to me what Iautomatically choosing in set ansaying things to happen to me? Why do I saythe things I say: Why do I think that why don't I just shut up? Why do I think the stuff? I think whydon't? I think why do I think? Why am I labvinging up in the shower, and I hearthis voice, your an Assoll, you Augt, to kill yourself you'll, never be any.Why who's saying that to me, I wolke around there's nobody in the shower,except for me. Why Do ' I think the way I do? Why do Iact the way I do after many many many many years ofworking the tens step and making amends, making a Mans cust sober, I'm alwaysscrewing up sober, I screw up sober. I heard people sober I and emails sover.I do stupid insane things. Why why, after many many many manyyears, unlike taking the shot O statch, it says to me that if I reall workethis thing Hig for that ten or fifteen or twenty years, the tent step what'llhappen is instead of turning into a list. You want to know something:You'll learn something called you ready for this restraint of tongue and pen. You won't have to worry so much aboutmaking amends how about this, because you won't be doing stupid shit. Did you know yet your life is tough,it's even tougher when you're stupid- and you know the bottom line is- isthat what I found is I got so sick of making amends that it occurred to methat if I don't do stupid shit, I don't have to apologize for it. But what have you? What, if your? What?If what? If your, what, if you're weird what, if you're weird what if you justcan't help what F, what if for some reason, you can't help but costantlythinking and doing stupid shit now, if you're an Alcoholcan? Yourfirst you're in your first ten or fifteen years. You know exactly whatyou AU, what I'm talking Iout, because you know what it's like to do: stupid,Shit and think stupid shit and not drink and still feel like a stupidassphole. I valantee you know that deal if you don't now know that deal thatyou have been hading rounds, Yor long enough with your disease, you know soso that's that's the problem. The problem is here's the deal the problemis is when I first came in when I first came Itoa and I started working the steps anddoing this stuff, and let me tell you something part of working. These stepsare not only formally doing the fifth step and formerly doing the forthstepand formelly doing the third step. You know on the new stuff, but a lot ofworing these steps, not looking back. You know a lot of Thi stuff, you see inthe rear, ofvew Mer. I now realized that huge portion of working the stepsthat you don't understand, you're not quite sure why you do it a lot of theport. These working. These steps have to do with just following directionsgiven by a sponsor which don't make any sense, and you know we're alcoholics,because you know AOS don't want to do anything if it doesn't make any sense.There's a real problem: you're forced to live a life that that demandshonesty when you want to do dishonest things, a life that you're scared to tyou're forced to do that. When you don't understand why you should do thatwhen I go up to a sponsor and I'm three months, Ober and and I'm going tomeeting you know, which is a big deal to me,going to meetings like I'm going to mee, and I tell him I broth and I don't haveany money, and I can't go to sleep at night and I'm worryind and he says tome. I know what your problem is. You need to start making coffee for thegroup. You need to start making caught for thegroup and somehow, in my mind I don't understand how making coffee for thegroup is going to help the money problem. What I don't realize this whenI follow that sponsor over to the coffee go, and he shows me how to make the coffeeand I make the coffee and stay instead of saying screw this shit, this guy'sCrag and I actually make the coffee and then when the next day rolls around, and I don't want to go to mee becauseI'm depressed because I'm always depressed because no money came in andI feel crappy I don't want to go to mean. But I pick my ass up and I go tothe meeting because because I have to make the coffee and the people aredepending on me to make the coffee you understand, and so I do that foreighteen months and three months into it, the money probably gets solved.Somehow the money comes in and I make the copy that some you knowwhen I do that and somehow I stay sober and I'm relatively happy and not all Idid was make coffee and show up the meeting you see. I don't realize that that'sthe first step, I don't realize that's tha surrender ofmy will. To God's will that wants to be a Masso Service? I don't realize that'sthe third step. That's the real third...

...step that every time I do that I'mmaking a decision for God instead of Eddition. I don't realize that by doingthat, I am surrendering my will and doing his will. You DONNSA, I don'trealize that that is. That is the steps, inaction. You understand, you know,because I don't even realize that's the step, I'm just following direct. I'mjust doing what I'm told. I don't realize that just doing what you'retold, even though you don't understand why you're doing it is a majorspiritual step, they say something like you have tohave what a doctor young say. It's like to have a psychic change, a PSYCHICHCideas, emotions and actes that are the guiding force of these men's lives. Are Pushe te one side and you becomedominated by onnew, set of ideas, emotions and attitudes, so somehowsomeway instead of operating in a way of life. Where you automatically go tothe line you automatically rationalize tol, you selfrationalize, youautomatically go to the hatred you automatically go to. I can't believethis shit is happening to me. The automacically don't go to. Why is thisalways happening to me? They don't know who they're screwing up screwing witI'll show them. This is a bunch of voltshit. I don't need this, I'm ohaving a bad year, I'm Youeve Youever, you ever them say these words, I'm having a bad freaking day. You ever say I'm having a bad. You evertell you something Ye. You ever tell somebody else, man you're having youever tell somebody. I've had a bad week, never tell someg Y eve, be I mean we'retalking about the whole fucking week, Yunrstandi saying not a bright SPOTA.You Hever seen someofyou hat a bad week. I Dida bad week. How about this? YouHeven't tell somebody. This is the worst fucking year in my entire life,I'm having a bad year. You know why I because that's the way,alcol Ston. That's he way our Pokson Disease Tauk. You know how and you knowthey say that when they're sober you know hat now, it's a Wi, it's allbullshit, but that's Wthey, think I'm having a bad week. Om Hava Bet that'swhat alcohol today that have three months. Four months, five years tenyears e Sayi'm just outing a bad line. My Life Sucks. You know, you know whyECAS alcoholics Ar Mellow fucking, dramatic, envelop, traumatic man, H W d.You got rid of that. You don't get rid of that. That's the disease. It doesn'twant to be getting rid up. It wants to be noticed and wants attention. That'swhat you'RE DEALIN! That's the shit you're dealing with. That's the crap you're dealing you're,not dealing ith, the drinking anymore man you're dealing with the real deal.You know you got to be a professional this one. This is. This is super bowlstuff, you know, and so what I do is I start doing thesesteps and the steps that I have to do are so weird and so strange and they'reso different that you realize you're doing them because they're so distinct,there's what Youe Sayig Yo Soh, I gotta do a fortetet. Oh I gotto. Do I ten te?Oh you go to me says yesterday this happened and I did a ten step on it andI turned it over and I did a third step on it. Oh, I think I just did 't twelvestep. You help SOM. I did a twelve step, but I and they're so real the steps arso real that you have to Lisis. You got to force yourself to do it. You Forceyourself to do it. You use even saying in in Twele flove. They say. Don'tanybody say that you can't use wellpower, you use your will powerevery time you say I'm going to go to the meeting and stay instead of sayingscrew that I'm going to stay at all every time. Every time your sponsorsays. Why don't you stop thinking aback yourself and help that guy in the frontrow and you going you're using you're turning your Willo every time? You doan a tells you to do what you're instructor every time you say, theserenity prayer when you feelin crappy, instead of saying screw this bullshit, your turn you're doing the steps, andso you work the steps and you work this steps and it's so obvious how you workthe steps and you do the fitstep and you do the fourth step and you do thetent step and you're takin inventory every all the time and you know you'retaking imveator, because you're doing it and you'r asking gods help in themorning you're doing the third step in the morning and you're doing the thirdstep at night and you're doing every step of the world, and it's so obviousto you, like Waxon and wax off like karate sitlat on Blak, Blakfun, waxof, labs on Lapsol and then one day one day, and you know something: You hardlynotice that anything's changing it's still all Bulcyou. Still you got to dothese steps because your life is shit because things are going bad becausepeople acet crazy. I mean you got to be doing these ten steps because you reactto them you'R, not doing good on the restrain of tongueand pan. You got todo these fit steps you going and you pour out your heart. You got to Beog onthe means you got to work. This thing like a set of a Vinch, the first tenfifteen twenty years and then all of a sudden panbecause.You want to know something because over...

...this period of time, as you're crushedand crushed and crushed and crushed and crushed and screwed up and dealing withthe fordom and the bullshit, and what is it going to be better because you're,like a child, Wi soinpatient, to be wonderful and everything? And you wantthat that guy with thirty years, you want what he had and you're willing todo to any length to get it. But you would like it tomorrow tomorrow anddoesn't seem. Goodto seem to be working so damn slow. You know what I mean and and that's the deal ith you you do thistaps and you work the steps and then one day you wake up. Yeah you wake up. I don't know whenthis happen. I can't even tell you for sure what it happenes to my life. I can't tell you, know: T E I'll, tell you what, when I talk what Iusually say, it happened that around twenty five years, I don't say that to make people feelbad. I just tell him the truth. I mean when you're up here. Just tell thetruth. I mean I'm just not an when you're up here. You know I' N, I'm notsaying I didn't get anything about the a before twe from twenty five years. Ididn't I want t say it was all horrible, but somewhere around twenty five years,I woke up in the morning feeling good and I went thoh t the day feeling good and I want to say Tho Ni feeling good. Then I woked up the next day: Feing Godwelcome next thing: Feall Goo and it got progressively better and better andbetter, and I realized man- I've been feeling good for a long freaking time, a long freaking time, I'v been feeln good for like months andmonths and months, and then you look back at fs, Jus man, I've been feelinggreat for fifteen years and you realize that you're not workingthe steps. You can't even talk about the stepsbecause you're not working on and you don't understand how come Ifeel so good and so blessed and I'm rocking in the fourth dimension ofexistence, I'm experiencing much of Heven and I'm not working the stepsthat I mean. I can't talk it Aa and then you realize that you've beendoing the stuff so long that you're not working the stepsyou're just living the step. You' live in the steps, because the great facts eist andnothing less- that God has become the central fact ofyour life. Your whole life is bad thinking aboutthe lord, like Ti, wilsons pose that you are convinced that God existseither is or isn't. There are no middle of the roadsolutions and Youre convinced Ay lives in yourharter mind in a way which is miraculous and he's doing fory what youcan't do for yourself that all things will work for good forthose who love him and are called to do his purpose and you've, giving yourlife over Toham you've given you've, given twenty five thirty years of yourlife over to him and every once in a while bed. Fluckcomes into your mind and just give it over the ward. You sound like Ito.Think this way, God helpd me that it happens in an natial. Second, itdoesn't happen for Fu. You not take three hours to do it o five hours to doit. You do it automatically. You just refuse to think bad thoughts aboutpeople even when they deserve it and and what you do is you you knowhe's going to give you everything you need. If you stay close to him and youperform is work well and your whole life is best staying close to done, youeven do some of the extra credit stuff. They say in the book when they say weencourage Church membershiptey, say it twice. That's what they said. The FAUsays we encourage you, you'll be a bright spot and then you church andeverything we encourage church membership. We encourage all sorts ofSTUFN study, another material you're, just you started in spirituolkindergarten go to high school, go to college, got closer and closer to God,improve your conscious contact with God improve your consciouse. Well now I gettwenty five years. What should I do improve your concieus contact with God?Wel I got thirty years now. What Tryi do you need to Vokor cojes got dackwith God, and so I wake up in the morning. Ithink about scripture, because I starte Bible study and I have spawn- and Ihave a sponsor now Itthir and I get a sponsor and he's a baptist preacher,and he said next in without sixty other guys and and and I'm going to. I don'tknow ten fifteen a means a week that I'm going to three Bible Studies andalso my whole life is revolving around this stuff, and I've noticed that Idon't think about cars or women or all that sort of stuff. I Liv e, reallyboring life. All I do is I want to think about God and help other people. I notice that I'm not I'm not anxiousanyone an even if anxiety come comes becauseof at the blue, something happens or things like that happens. It doesn'tlast one than a few seconds, a Mintute ot two and then it's gone because I'm not. I don't have to turnmy life Om, Wi God, because I'm living a termed over life,...

I'm doing a lot live in the steps I'mliving a life which the bands rigorous on. I live in a life that demandsrigaros honesty on the living o life. I don't have to make believe I believe inGod I believe in do. I don't have to make believe that I'mLo I'm involved in the joy of living, because I've got joy, I'm not lookingfor happiness. That's for bullshit happiness is true. I was iwsome for happingtess all mylife, I get it, I lose it. I get it. I want joy. I want the kind of joy youhave that, even when they told me I' cancer, I said. Thank you Lord. I knowthere's a reason for this. Whenever anything happens to me, I justwant to give glory, because that's what it tells me, the big book, all of asudden IDs, these things are et strange. He they say we never apologize. For God, we've turned our life over to Godrinanew basis. We never apologized, for God, all Meta God, all men of faith, upcourage, they trust their God. We never apologize to God. Instead, we let himdemonstrate in our lives, demonstrate alotlives with God to do for us and howwe can change us from a person. O walked around saying I'm having a betfreaking day. To saying this is incredible. My lifeis incredible. I'm sorry! I can't help it if it tookme twenty five years. What does it matter as long as you end? Well, what does it matter as long as en? Well, you know you can actually come an down,and so and so so these things I do like the fifth ste and the Fort Step, wheresomehow we need an explanation. It's a what we do. UPCOL these explanations,because whenever an alcohol is, is told something he doesn't like it confusesthem. So we need people to take us through it and say and what is it it'syour Maka forth step? It tells you the fore lists how to do it. Well, I resentno alcohol should have any problem wit, be I resent I hate I resent this is thereason why this is what it did for me then tell you ow o look at it and thenyou have to go out to another person. You tick, aother person. You turn yourlife. You make another surrender, you do something you don't want to do topick. Somebody out, you know some sort of close bout friend, and you say youknow I like to make loved chickens whatever hell you going to tell hem youknow and whatever a you n sayin go still Youve gots and you feel better,but yourt still not cure, and so you do that. Little exercise that lofit stepbatercide tha little fortstep exercise over and over and over again you dothat immense thing over and over and over again for what twenty fiveflipping years, every day dying each day, praying toGod each day, getting on your knees each day, no, let up not only going tomeeting sometimes going to two or three gims today, not sponsoring people moreand more extra creditship Gon, a Bible study and everything more more stuff,more stuff, like you sit around the meeing saying you know they talk toomuch about God, Ere, you know and everything and you look at these peopleand say I don't want to be fun doing meetings like Tou'e doing jailtime. You know a formof, a form of religion without power withno power. I got to go to another Aa M. I Gott Lis that guy talking about God,what join, what hanging around two types of people in a the type of peoplethat are believers and love God and want to love God and want to be likepeople and wish they could be like people that love gode sitting right next to a guy who can'tstand it when they talk about God and the believers can't imagine why thenonbelievers aren't jumping on this train and then nonbelievers think thebelievers are full of Shit and they don't like them and we all meet in thesame schoolhouse. You know, but I know who makes it to thirty years and I knowwho makes it to forty year and I know who makes it to the pointwhere they're being wropped in the fourth dimension of existence. I know who does that, and so it's notnally the fourthstep, and it's not only the fourt step in the fifth step andthe third step ind, the first step. You know they are they're the spiritual exercise. Theyare the exercisers. They are the tools we do in order to learn, learn how todo a life that the man's rigorous honestly and that kind of life that the MANSOMGIS honesty, which is very hard for an insane person to do when everything inhis brain says. Don't do this shit, it's bullshit the person to learn thatfeels strange at first. It feels different at first, but as you do itover and over and over again, it becomes easier and easier and easier.You feel better and better and better and one day you wake up and you're, not you're, not doing them.Well, you don't think you're doing them,...

...but the reason you don't think you'redoing them is because you're living up you' livein a life that the mantrok ishonesty. So you don't think that way anymore. You don't say things like I'm having abad Um, my my ife just screwed up ranything, like you, don't say the samethings you don't know who you're strewing with I'll show you you don'tlive that you don't think that way, because you're doing it every singleday, every minute of the day and you're hanging out with people that enjoyed itall in time, so eten you're heading out with people at lunch that are doingyou're hanging out with people during the day that are doing it you'll wakeup in the morning you're doing you go to sleep at night, Goo doing it yourGonto. This mean you go to that mean and everything theyr doing it. That's o!Those are people you want to hang with. God will show you that how to great thefellows shoul be praying you crave hanging out with these people. Theseare the people you want to hang out with and the more you hang on out withthem, even if you' havitg a bad second. As soon as you get an Neir customecompany, you feel great, you feel incredible. You feel Rocketin in thefourt dimension of existence is a man. This is something else and then Ibelieve is I don't even know what you're talking Iout, because allthey're enterested in is group therapy and drama and pay attention to me andlisten to it. You know and they're physically soberte, they're, not sober they're, not emotionally sover they're, not that they're not doingthat stuff. So, yes, you know, I'm not talking downthe steps by all means to the steps, but the how the steps work as if you dohem over and over and over again, you do the step so many time you do thesteps until you're not doing them anymore. Does that make any sense? Well do thestaffs. Do the staps live your life according to the steps listening topeople who are doing the stafps, who have a belief in God, the person you'llbe in the next five years will depend upon the people you hang out with thebooks. You read the Bush, you red will depend on the hang out with you know.Here's the deal. I can never tell an alcoholic there's a line in in the book of John John, no John, nine.It's a very interesting line, very spiritual line where the carpeter there's a guy who's blind blind frombirth. It's never been able to see thirtthirty forty years old, blind from death, bearth and the carpenter makes them unblind all of a sudden youcan see, but before he makes some onblind backin to good old days that six or seven two thousand threethousand years ago.The feory was that if you had bad things happening to you well you wereblind. Are you had alcoholism? If you hake, alcoholism or you were blind oryou had any disease, it was because either you or your parents didsomething there otherway. It was like punishment otherwords. If you werd didsomething bad, it would follow down for seven generations. I know it so if youwere blind because you did something dad and some on the things they askedthe carpenter and they asked thim this. They said before he cured the guy. Hemade him. He says why was this Man Blind? Did he do something wrong?Because he was blindsensor or his parents, and this is what he said hesaid No. He was blind to give glory to God. He was blind, so you could see thepower of God to allow him to sing. That's why you as Gon, and so I'm seventy one years old andI've had alcoholism, and I almost destroy my life, an other people'slives, and there is no question in my life. You know one of the thingsalcohols you ever ask Yo Solf this question. I didn't earle on when it'shard to accept er alcoholism, hard to accept through an alohom. You ever doone of these things. Sometimes newcomers do it. They say why ma? Whyam I an alcohol? Why am I inot? That's a bit. You know you know you got to getthem off the wide question, because they're not going to understand they'll,never understand the. Why question and it'll drive they got it. They got Ta,you better concentrate on how to get out of it. How to fix it. Forget theWhi question you know at I mean why not you, you know what I mean and you seehere it's a deal at forty years sobriety. I finally got the answer tothe my question, because I was reading John Nine. Whywas an alcoholic to glorify gone? Why am I an Alcohola, I'm an alcohol togive glory to God, you Unrye, that's what it says in thebook. It says all men of faith that purage they trust their God. We neverapologize from God. Instead, we let him demonstrate deminstraigt what he can doin our lives with a with a sorryas ty. Like me, you know why people like tohear people speak their testimony their stories. You know what your story is.Your story is about what the power of God can do to somebody who is a wretch.

You know hey how about this story. I was always doing great. I was alwaysdo great, an Almanaa and I'm doing greater. I was always well and happy and nowthat I'm an AA, I'm even happier. No, that's not the story. The story is, Iwas blind. My life was over. I thought I was a dead man. I didn't do anything.I was selfish. I couldn't stop drinking, I was poless, I came and I turn myselfover to Aa to God, whatever it is, and here's where I am e all our stories. The only thing ourstories are good for is to Demonstra, with the power of God can do in aperson's life tevery. One of us is a testament to the power of God. That'sthe reason why that's that's the reason we wi. That'sit. You know, and it's it's sening. You knon' o seehere's what I can do. This is the interesting thing that I can do. I canwhen a guy comes in, I can't tell him you're an alcoholic because youare being given theopportunity to glorify God and carrying thismessage to another alcoholic. That's your job! That's your purpose! In Life!I can't tell him that cusill say: Well, that's pretty much bullshit! Youknow what I mean, but I'll tell you what I can tell a guy. My story I canget up like I did right now. I could tell my story how I'm incrediblyexcited and overjoyed, because I get to tell this story and show what God'sgrace is done for me and that same alcoholic that tells the Ombullshonwill say this is whati'll sale, say man I'll tell you that's probablybullshit, but I wish I could. I wish I could feel the way that guy feels I wish I can have with that guy. I canget an alcohol to want what I have with my test. That's that's the deal of thehope that maybe one day I could be like that. That's what I saw in the old timers,not that I understood it and I checke my and but I said man Iwish. I could think that way. I can't I wish I could be that way, everybody that that power is availableto everybody. So you work th the fith step. LOOK ITGUP THE BOOK! Tells you how to do it as you sponsor it's not Goo, pum togetit,you guys are all brilliant. You know what I mean. You can figure out how todo a FORC step and then go up to somebody else and pick them out andthen talk to him. Bat, Itand yea we ever get out of it. You know what I'talk about, but I can tell you if you do it and you continue to do it over aperiod of years. Pretty soon it will become a way of confession to otherpeople will become a way of life and you will youll- and you know youknow W it's the greatest you don'tsprety Sinyoin the world, losingfear of people losing fear Bu. You know what you know why I canget up and talk like this, because I'm not scared of you. I'm not scared of you. I'm not scaredof Your judgment, o. let's get about the guys, so that guys full of bullshitor anything. You know it's like to live Alife to go from living a life whereall you do is have hundreds and thouts of people on your mind and worriedabout what they're thinking about you and why did Thi Guy Wol walk away, andwhy did hi guys say that you know it's like the Libal life like that and notbe at all. Your have not have anything your mind tied into thinking about whatother people are thinking, because who you are has nothing to do with how muchmoney you have or what you wear. What what Cassandra thinks about me oranything like that? You understand I'm just picking on H, SPASANDRAC S! I likepick anone, you know what I mean, but you understand what I'm saying: that'sthet, so that was probably a crummy step.Fine right e gonna walk away e wone O that Guy Sta tat' it. But he said boutstuff in talk about stuff. You know, but but trust me it ain't going to hurtyou and they'll be somebody that on you'll go to a meet, and somebody illactually tell you about that yeal. But it's actually wrinnen down the book Nin the Big Book and and the Twelve and twelve, and you talk to you sponsoraboute, somehow the people that want to do step five and step fork. I don'tknow how it is, they managed to do it. I don't know how that is, people wantto say sober and what would I have or what would you have right like thatthey managed to do step fon they managed to do stuff. They managed to doall the steps. How does that happen? You know I guess what really is thepoint with alcoholics is alcoholics. I think alcoholcs will do anything butanyway, if they want it, if they want theresults, I think if they want sobriety, what'soffered to them, theyall figure out how to do step for I'll. Tell you what you know. I spentthe whole life every Friday and Suday...

...night Inin, the Bar Lookat, some Gos,and I want I wish I could have that one. I was only God id believe me. I wanderwhat she had. I was when we go anlight to get it. I was willing to backruptmyself, you know get that deal, you know what I mean. So, if you're analcohol and you can't figure out how to get how to get what you want, you don'thave the same disease I have. I can tell you if there's one thing, I antrust about alcoholics, they'll figure out how to get what they want. If theyreally wanted enough, the key is whet. They have the motivation, want it. Whenyou have the motivation so bad to want what you say you could have, and itain't just don't drink and go to meet it's other stuff. Okay, so that's that's six! Twenty! When do westart Fui, twenty nine wow, one minute wow? How do I do that.

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