AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 8 months ago

Russell S. Step 4 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 4 from the Coral Room Zoom January 22, 2021  

Y Guys Munin druss im an alcohol haseverybody doing, Rohey listen, we're gonna have on so we can have a goodtime here. E have a good time, I'm not being paid for ony. For this, so don'texpect much is going to sayng. I feel no pressure towards you guys whatsoever.You know you got what you paid for it, so we're going to talk about step for,but I can almost one Hunde peside guarantee you it aint coun be like any stuff for you,but I'm not gonna. Tell anybody how to do step for if wance you do this justread the book. There's a chart in it talk to you a sponsor. It's in English.You probably won't understand the first two hundred times fichyoure Alcoholand.You don't want to do it anyway, but just read the book itill tell you howto do it. I'm going to talk about honesty, I'm going to talk to about scenethrough last darkly, I'm going to talk about an alcoholichaving no idea what the hell is going on in his life, not even a plue, not even a clue. So let me ask you thit, let me let meread something to you. I actually have the spimmerise, but I'mGonto read it driven by a hundred forms of fear, self, delusion self seeking and selfpity we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliat how many people think they know whatthat means. Ion'tknow, I'm not I'm not sure we'regoing to have a test we're going to have a test. Okay, I'm I'm going toread I'm going to read something else: It'll contain that dumbis o red thisselfishness, selfcenteredness. That we think is the root of ourtroubles, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self, delusion, self seeking andself pity we step on the tos of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes I heard US seemingly withoutprovocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past, we havemade decisions based on self which later place us in a position to beheard how many people think they know what that means. Listen, let me tell you something: Letme tell you something: This is goon. You may not UNDERSTAK. Look! First ofall, this is, in my opinion, you don't have to buy into it. Haven't tout havea drink in forty years, and you know I've been working. This thing you don'thave to buy in anything. I said, you'R Dont have to agree with me. You couldbe wrong if you want to it's, not a big deal. Okay, you know so here's the deal. How many people do you think it'spossible if you're an alcoholic to read something and think you understand that, but notunderstand it at all. Do you think that's possible? You thinkit's possible that a sponsor or somebody respect can tell you something, and you think you know what they'resaying, but you really don't understand that atall using English. Has Anybody at this meaning ever saidto a sponsor anybody after they tried to tell you something? Have you everused these words you don't understand? Have you ever tried to convincesomebody who has like twenty five thirty forty years when you come up tothem and start sucking your thumb and whining like a cry baby about your lifeand your problems and then what they try to do because they care about iu?They try to explain to you what the problem is and you look you know and the firstwords out of your mouth. Is You don't understand this? Have you ever donethat and listen? Have you ever told somebodythat has a lot of supridy hs trying to help you you don't understand beforethey even stoppd talking before they,...

...even when the sentenre you before theyeven start talking. You just know they don't understand you. You understand that they don'tunderstand. You know when I heard that selfish TaSolfsen is that's the root of Ou trouble Yom by Hundo Ford, O feeyouselftelive itself. Seeking you know. You know my sponsor told memy sponsor told me Hon what that meant. Is I don't give ashit about anybody except myself and that's the bottom one. I don't careabout anybodysep myself and I explained to him. He didn't understand. I didn't like that. So you know here's the interestingthing I I'm an alcoholic. I am an alcohol, I'm absolutely an alcoholic.So what that means is that I lived the life. That's on that, not that that I justreadt what I just read to you whend. I said Selfishass selfsetness that wethink is the room. Obour troubles driven by a hundred forms of sulflogeand Selfsegen self fity stepd own tothe. I lived that life. I've lived that lifefor fifteen years before I came day and I probably lived that life for a fewyears quite a few years to a certain extent,after getting sober and a, I know what it's like. I know what it's like:Dhelibat, selfish, selfcentered, delusional life and I'd like to think after forty yearsof deabling with mean abusive sponsors and life, which beats the shit out ofyou. If you don't get this thing, you know what I mean that I'm living adifferent life now, because apparently the big book says that those who do notrecover our people, who cannot or will not completely give themselves to thissimple program. These are people who areconstitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves and there aresuch unfortunate they're, not at fault they're like born that way. They seemto be born that way, so apparently there's a manner of living whichdemands rigorous honesty, and I want to tell you something else:there is a manner of living that TDEMAN's absolute dishonest. There is a manner of living thatdemands absolute dishonesty. It's very painful. I lived at even if you're not constitutionally, intapable of being honest with yourself, if you're an ALCOHOLC, you're capableof actually being dishonest with yourself for years, you're, evencapable of being dishonest with yourself after you stop drinking because the disease centers in yourmind, and not your body, which means it's not the booze, whichis the sympitesease. It's the fact that you are insane and when you're one of the consequencesof being insane is your perception is crazy. You think that the world you think ofthe world an its people. You react to hem a certain way and you don'tunderstand that you're not seeing the world the way it is at all you'reseeing the world the way you are- and you are like not doing that well, which is why you have all thesefeelings and evmotions, and why Wen somebody who's been soberfor twenty or thirty years, tries to set you on the right course. You say tothem, you don't understand, you...

...honestly feel they don't understand,because the way you see things you're a victim you're, a it's compying about than I'll.Tell you you're. Looking at th, I am like Jesus man. I am such a martyr.I am a selfpideoholic trust me on this deal. So so here's the great thing aboutbeing an alcoholic and being sober for a while. You get you always get thesethings. You get these aciphonies these! I gas. You see this, you know they see.They say we got a new perspective, rokby repeated humiliations. Everybodyever heard that Revigulat Atiens has anybody here, ev been hubiliated aftercome day. Have you ever been humiliated? Have youever have you ever had a Mak like a ten step or a MANSTAFP, or you have YeanGules on sid you eveer, really screwed up, you ever say ye Sa Man, I'm such anas so why the hell would I do that? Why did I say that you ever drive yourselfcrazy by the things you did or didn't do or said or didn't say, or the SUCNand trying to figure out? What am I going to do? What of they think youever go nuts sober because he did stupid shit and your figured out whatto do and then finally making a man. I youget you eve. Do that like a lot, you know you ever do that you ever dotha Tosandrahav, you ever done that. Have you ever done that? Have you didthat right, okay, so, and but here's the deal now, I'm sober forty years, I've had forty years of screwing up. You UNERSAID. I have that forty yearsof doing stupid, ass things and you know if you're an ACOLC like melike me, Mike Onalphout, you don't learn from doing something stupid. Onetime you don't learn from doing somethingstupid five times or twenty five times. Let me tell you something you may sayto yourself. After twenty five or thirty or forty times, I ain't evergoing to do that again. Trust me you're, going to do it again because you're an ALCOHOLC, you arepowerless over being an idiot. You are, if you're, an alcohol you're aplease lovt me a Hollok. Why you Treateng Mein this way a Hallin. Ican't believe this is happene to me. Ahall it you're, like you, got so muchshit going on believe you are so confused if you're n out now. Listen Me,I don't want you guys who feel bad because II'm not talking about you guys,because I can tell looking at you you're like at like a higher level ofalcoholic. You know you're, like I can tell you guys, are like spiritual,not realig. You were like at that spiritual that pinnacle ofwonderfulness. I get that I'm talking about me. You understand what I'msaying my problem. Okay, so so you know the first step in getting out of jailbeing in bondage to your stupid, ass, brain and doing dumbass things isknowing your in jail in the first place, the first step and stoping drinking andbeing in the jail and being in the jail sell of drinking is knowing that youhave a drinking problem in the first place. Stop me if I'm not making it anysense, because I'm trying to go slow, you know what I mean, I'm trying not toget too fast on this feel neco. You understand what I'm saying youunderstand it still, okay, so and so usually involves a lot of pain, an lotlot unvanigability. So let me tell you what it's like tolive, an honest life and what it's like to live, a dishonestline and the great thing about being that Hok is, if you're sober longenough and you look back in therear, vew, mirror you see you, you get astory, you know what they say to really says. Are Stories disclose in a generalway? What it used to be like what happened to what it's like now right, so the great thing that happens is ifyou really start getting this thing and change your perspective. You see yourentire past differently. Then you saw it while you were living. Does thatmake any sense,...

...and so you look back on things thathappen thand, you look at them differently, so what I'm going to do is I want totake you through what it's, what it's like to live, a totally dishonest life and what that's all about as analcoholic and what it's like to live an honestlife because you're going to live two lives as an alcohol you're going tolive a dishonestlie and you're going to live an honest life unless you'reconstatially, capable of doing that, and one of the keys to live in anhonest life is knowing what the problem is. Knowingwhat the JEL cell looks like in the first place, and the first step in understanding howcrazy you are is the fourth step. The forstep is a magnifying glass intoyour insanity, and even then it gets a little bitclearer when you do the fifth step and even then it gets a little bit clearerwhen you screw up over and over again an it gets a little bit clearer, maybetwenty years down the road. So let me tell you a little story about my life,the tragedy that is my pathetic life and how this thing works. Okay, so I met a girl when I was round twentythree twenty four and I I fell in love because I was always Fallin love or Ilost her side, not even sure what it was. But I was you know. I did one of te things. If I coan onlyhave this Gorl, my life would be perfect. I 's like if I only had thiscar my life would be perfect. Only have this job eliveiy alcohol, some of thesebrainstorms. If I only had this F, I only had that re was a lawyer.Everything would be okay, so I saw this go. I said if I can only have this Gal.Everything would be wonderful, and so I fell in love with her becausewhich is I'm not even sure what out to love. Is I'm still working on that? Ithas something to do with attraction, sex and feeling that if I have somebodyI won't be such an ansole. Do you understand what I'm saying, I'm notquite sure I haven't figured it out. I think I'm n turn to you guys to tell mewhat that's all about, but I need I was Jone. You know the where Jones Sen is.I was like Jo. You know like if you're in Haro win, I ad Jo. I was Jones Z forthis woman, so I did. I believe me I I wanted what she had and I was wing togo to anylint, Ogain, okay, and so so I went after her and I wold her parentsand I married her and we got married and moved into a Nice House on Mi mebeach on the golf course I got a job ith. The states turnings off is happilyever I after had a son and everything like that, and and I used to go out and every dayafter work, I would go to the bar at four thirty or four o'clock in theafternoon. The Alibi Lounge, which I help name by the way, and I would drink from four thirty inthe afternoon to four thirty in the morning, with a bunch of homicide, guysand stuff like that, and I did that almost every day whileshe was at home with the baby, and I did that almost every day or alot of times for four years, four o five Wik and my wife apparently was not really like acodependent. You know what I mean, so she actually put up with this shit forfour years and she would- and I would invite her.Let me tell you something: I'm a Nice Guy, I mean I don't understand, I'm notselfish, I'm not selfcentered. You know, I don't I'm not delusional many times. I would invite my wine to come to my bark and drake with my friends,...

...and my drinking buddy were the greatestguiys in the world. Let me tell you some: these were peoplethat really understood me. These were people, they understood me,you know Someg, they talked like me. They thought like me. We laugh toget. Ireally like these guys and these people you know and and I would invite my life-it's like an honor o to drink with me with those guys and she she said to me, I'm not goingto hang out with those buttoms you hang out with now. Let me explain something to you. My wife know I drag, I mean we corteicorded her for like Youramse Wy was a drinker and I like doing that stuff.You know, and she kept on trying to change me and what happened was I'd be sitting inthat Guar for twelve hours, while she's at home, with the baby waiting, dinnerand stuff like that, and I'm not goin Ta go into the Gorn details but but-and I can't go up to the Gor detalls you now. What because I wasn'tinterested in the details, because I really didn't give a crap about whatwas going on with her. You know, and I need to think about that. I was justhaving a good time and what happened was one day one Friday and and what I do isI'd sit in the bar and I' Look at the women on the dance floor. There's a lot ofsil guys and I was married and- and I never cheated on my life- neverphysically cheated on my wife, but I used to sit there and drain and say things in my mind like if I only wasn't married, if I only can have that Gah a, I can only have that red ve only had that blong. If I hadlly had that prumne everything would be wonderful becauseafter around six months or a year or a year and a half of being married, I don't know what happened I hot whatever it was that she had. That made me feel like. If I could have-or I be okay- I wasn't okay, I wasn't otherwise whatever magic she had. Thatmade me feel good. She had lost it. It's like it's like the best thing Ican the best way. I can explain it's like when you buy a brand new car andand you drive the car and you like the car and then after six months, it'slike an old car. It's like a used car. You know what I mean, and so you needto get another car. So that's the that's. That's sort of like describes alittle bit. What I mean byt when I say love. Well, I love that car. You knowwhat I mean, but I'll trade that suck ran after six months. You know what Imean, so I'm looking to get out of the matriage, but I don't have to get outof the matriage and I didn't cheat and I felt itn so so what happened was oneday she said to me: If you come home drunk one more time,I'm leaving you and there's a line of the big of thetweltn twelve says unlessen until an alcoholic excepts as alcoholism and allits consequences. This sobriety will be precarious and of true happiness.The'll find none at all, and and as I drove away from the house, would that state inof my mind if youcome home drop ing more time on leaving you, I stopped at a red line, an I remember,saying to myself these words. What the hell did she mean by that and what I now know, looking back, Ididn't know about them. Is that what an alcoholic like me with my kind of mine, here's something or is told somethinghe doesn't like it confuses him. It doesn't matter that it's only twelvewords. It doesn't matter that it's a simple statement that there's very fewsyllables. It doesn't matter that you...

...have a water breet, it just confusesyou and sometimes it pisses you off. You know what I mean so I went to thebar. I told my friend I have to get home because Ronni says I come onthrown ones o leaving you, and he said I you're a great guy. She loves you andI said Yeah. I know Blah Blah Blah and I had to drink that o drink and I gothome at fourthirty and she kicked me out of the House. Kick me out of the House, Okay and file for divorce, and you know andshe she said. I want to go to a matace councilor, try to save the marriage and meanwhile, I'm already I'm not already making plancs to date,the redhiat. You understand what I'm saying, I'm like I'm like, hitting thebricks and as I'm hitting the bricks because she kicked me out. You know I'mlike actually happy as a clam, because I'm finally free you see, I didn't,have the guts by the way. I'm telling you something now that I learned afterten or twenty years and a million steps and everything like that. I did nothave the courage to say to my wife, the mother, my child. I want to do I', havethe courage to do that, but when she kicked me out, you know when it was her fault. Couldshe kick me out? I was like free, and so I went to see the marriagecanaltor caurse. WHO KNOWS WHY? I didn't want tofeel guilty and the maige counselor starts talking to my wife and says:What are the three things you want to change about Russell now, I'm not evenlistening. I think one of the things she mentioned was o come home fordinner or something I'm not sure, because I'm thinking tof myself, I gota date with this red head tonight and they're trying to get me back into thecage. You know what I mean and I don't want to go back in the case. So when heturned to me and said what do you want to change about Ronni? I said I justwant to date. Other women- and I know you're, not GOINGTO, believethis. That was the end of the session withthe marriage counselor. I had sabotiged te Cession of the marriage counts and, and that was it and I got divorcedand everything like that and that's the end of my marrige five year. Marriage,okay, lost everything, everything that should have been important me, my wife,my house, so on everything lost it all continued on my merry way to become theOu Hafner of Miami. Whatever is, I was on my mind, okay, if you had asked name, I swear. This is true. If you hoaldasked me why I was divorcing, my wife, I would have told you this. She taked me out of the House. We were Growin in different directions. We really got married too young. We were after different things and she was trying to change thet, and I would have believed that I would have believed that that's whywe got a divorce because she was trying to change me. We were going in different directions, you know W at I mean she knew what Iwas beforehand and she tried to change me and she kicked me out of the House. I absolutely believe that's why,because we weren't ready FROR Marrage, we were too young youungerstand Younsa.I believe that that's my alchy story. That's why I alp that's my story. That's the story. I believe that twentyfive years old- that's the stor, I believe, the twenty six years old,twenty seven years old, twenty eight years old, twenty nine years old,thirty years old, thirty one years old. That's my story about my marriage andthat woman now years down the road...

...there's a different story. Here's my story! I married a lovelygirl. She was very, very sweet and I was pretty much a selfish selfcenteredassle. I think it was shit about anybody set,my so and that's the bottom line, and I married her because some sort of urge-or something like that. But I was immature and I was dishonest and I wanted to cheat on her, and sowhat I did was what I wanted to cheat on her and what I would do is. I wouldleave her alone for years at a time not really being part of the marriagetreating her like crap and finally driving her through the point where shehad a kick me out and then, when she tried to go to a marriage counselor toso whis make im work. I sabotage the whole thing and I ripped our heart outand said I wanted to date. Other people and the reason I got divorced isbecause I'm a selfish selfcentered pig and I don't care about anybody exceptmyself. Now let me tell you something that is actually a different story thanthe first story. You understand, but here's the deal when I was living my life with thefirst story. I was lonely. I was restless. I was filled with self pity and I was suck and I was selfish and I was a sick guy when I understoodthe second story- and I live myself, the second story- I'm a completelydifferent individuals, I'm completely different in a sense it. This doesn't give likeme any pleasure to save a second story. I know what makes me look like. I seethe women in the meeting when they cringe and they'd like to shoot me orsomething I get that okay, but I need to. I need to talk about the secondstory for a bunch of reasons number one. I need to understand that.That's where alcoholism took me, that's the person. I was that's. What this disease looks likethat's what that is. What selfishness and self setterness looks like in methat I'm not a Nice Guy, I'm not a just a nice guy, but I had a drinkingproblem. I don't need alcohol to be an asshole most of the things I did to myfirst life and ignoring her and hurring e feelings. I did a coldstone sober andthat's what I could turn into at the drop of a hat, and it also tells me and makes me grateful about what Godcan do for a selfish son of a bitch like me, what he can turn me into if I just focus on him, but let me tell you something: Youdon't get from story, one to story to you understand what I'msaying just by sitting in a closet andthinking and talking to your friends at the Bar, you understand now you may get to storyto to a certain extent. It may be helpful to listen to people at meetings.There may be somebody here who went through a similar sort of divorce,thaybe listening to me and they say: Oh man, that's what happened to mind them.That's what happened to my deal. You know what I mean. I don't that may be helpful, but the real key to be able to get amirror into your soul and see what it means when you reat that paragraphselfishness selfcenterdness drip there, you know you can't get out of jail untoyou know you're in Jeul in the first place, the in order to really see whereyou are selfish, where this disease is as you in bondage, where it's just youjust can't get out of wher. You H, you know you need to do more than justlisten to people or talk to you sponsor,...

...and one of the things I had to do is Ihad to do a fortstep, and I had to put my wife on that now now you know what out folxslike to do: here's what they like to do they like to say, I don't need to makea list. I know what my price, no you don't because you're like me, Youre dillutional, Youre, arationalizer. You tell yourself rational lines, no matter what you tellyourself, you know at Theba after your done tol you you're already trying tosay Welli', not that bad or you don't understand or my story is different Han.You don't understand an you know. What happened? You don't have all the pieces.I want to somehow make things up, olide myself or justify I am and if you're analcohol, I am an excuse Aholic. I can make up excuses on the drop of aHak. I got so many good reasons as to why I do the things I do. My esponsalon said Russell. Why do yousay ething you sayand do think you do sober, and I said that's just mypersonality. He said Russ Yor personality is killing you. I know how to stop drinking. How do Iget rid of my personality? How do I get rid of that deal? Which I think is Hute?You know what I mean. I think it's nice. I think it's funny. You know what Imean and it's not you know it's just not bad deal. You know so so thatforstep was important to me, the forestep and the fifth step and thegoing through life and all the the bageries of life and the ten step asyou go along as you re finding the point as you're constantly look intoyour selfishness as you're constantly looking into yourselfsetterness as Yiuconstantly look I into where you going wrong. I should constantly seeing thesethings over and over again which, by the way, not to bring up the God thing.I think I ought to are things that block you from the power from the Sunshine TatBlock you from God's Grace God's grace keeps you and everlasting misery. I mean you like feeling, sorry withyourself, you like t think about why they treating you this way. You like saying to yourself, you knowon the lose. I us well kill myself this thing, aint working for me, you, like being discouraged all thetime you like it three weeks being discouraged, you like a three yearsbeing discouraged you like it ten years, you know doing this thing really hard,realizing you're, not getting anywhere and being discurbed. You like beingdistried. You like living that life, you like not being rocken in the fortsovention existence, your life, a thousand forms of you likea thousand forms of year, a hundred forms of fear. You, like being afraidyou like, being nervous. You like being anxious. You like you like having people rendfree in your head, all the time you like that Huh you like what wouldhappen. Oh my God, you probably o you may not even know what it's like not tobe worried about what people think about you. Oh Man, I thought that wouldnever go a God. I thought I would never go away man does that hang on what dothey think about me? Why did I say that that Meani, you know I should have saidthis. I should have said that. Why did this happen? What are they thinkingabout? What did she mean by that? What did he mean, but why aren't they calling me up bit then?I call me because of this: Why aren't they not choosing man, man thatworrying about what people think about you actually thinking that they'rethinking about? Oh, my God, how do you get rid of that Col Shit? Wan! You talkabout alcoholism, you tal bout, his', that's the real disease. How do you getrid of that stuff? My sponsor and I now do the same thingpeople I sponsor. I do it with any people. You know now understanding one of the understdone of th things that gave me you know wet working with people and doing thisstuff is a clear understanding of how...

...sick we are. I don't know what the youknow: Some people in AA. I know you'll, find this hard to believe, but I never really had a big problem withpeople telling me I was stupid and insane I mean I don't know how toexplain it to you. It never really, maybe because I was beaten down so lowand I needed AA. So much that when my sponsor said to me you you know as muchabout life as a dog knows about his father, ont just shut up and listen.What just you know your best thing of you best. They got me in, I mean listen.I graduated fo Melanas a mathematics. I was going for my phd and andmathematics. I went to law school graduate yeah, all ad, all theseatholates behind me and I'm sitting there and som go in Ne Graduat. Thesixth grade is told me, I'm stupid. You know, and I got to tell you something-I'd Gottento some point in my life where I was so happy. Somebody wastelling me I was stupid and tell me what to do. I I mean I'm telling you. Ifollowed this guy like a like puppy dog, because I was not fit for life, but Ilearned I learned that very you know when we were doing the second step.What is it came to believe that God restores the Saduday? Sometimes I dothat. Second, Su a lot of people think that have to dose has to do withOvenbindedthi and but every once o I go to a meet on second step. Wan Peoplewould talk about being insane and there were actually people in Aa that gotoffended got a fended, because somebody said they were insane. I couldt. Icould never understood that. I cand never understand them, because I knew Iwas insane. I nobody had tos tell me I was as amatter of fact, I was happy that they have finally figured out what theproblem is. I'm crazy, I'm insane I luxuriat and being crazy. You know t Imean I, let me tell you some crazis my deal, you know I didn't mind. The crazything didn't bother me at all, because the the proof was in the pinting. Mylife was insane. I was it so what my sponsor used to make very very clear tome is that don't think and go to me: Don't drinkand go to ameetings every time. I would start talking to him about what I wasthinking about. Yeu already knew what the problem was. You know anything tostop me from thanking to distract me or saying the srrendy prayer. Whatever ismy thinking so often I'll say to sponces I'll save something like this.I say because they'll have problems, sponsos have problems, have seriousproblems, they'll come up then I'll say. Let me ask you something. I said I saidnow. You got like three months and I got forty years so we can use your brain on this or we can use my brain on this, which one do you want to us, and invariably they somehow come up with the rightanser. They when you put it to him, they say, run use your brain. I said:Well, don't worry about everything's going to be okay, so I'm thinking aboutit help he do this. Do that the CR the craziness is within the brain. It'scenters in your mind, not your body, but until you start acknowledging all the ways you screwed up in yourlife and the people you herd and what and the reality of whatactually happened when you walk out on your wife when you walk down on yourson when you walk out in that job, when you disappointed all those peopleuntil you stop lying to yourself with your stupid ass story. Well, we werejust ghrowing apart. We were different people. We got married too young untilyou start linding yourself about how honest you are, because you're cashregister onus, because you won't steal money but I'll. Tell you what you'llcheat on your wife you'll divorce, her you'll do a hell of a lot of otherthings until you start lying to yourself about what a good guy you areWek, I hate to say this at Homm and I...

...hurt some of these feelings. Iunderstand telling alcoholics you're, not a bad person trying to getgood you're a sick person trying to get well. I understand that. I understandthat I think there's a little bullshit there.I was a bad person. I let me Sey you something at forty years sowriting, youknow what I cand say to myself and I can actually hold on to it and I haveno problem. I was one evil, son of a bitch. You know it may have something to dowith my sickness, my, but I did bad things to good people and I hurt themand I didn't give a shit. You understand what I'm saying now you wantto say: Well, I'm just the sick person get. I don't care what you want to sayon that deal, but I want to tell you something somehow for me, they saysomewhere in the seventh step, that humility is an absolute necessity. Unless you acquire more of that dealthat humility deal, you don't stand a good chance of becoming truly happy now,I'm not! I don't know what humility is, because I don't have it, but but I'lltell you this. I think you, I think, understanding that you're an evil sonof a bitch and you're a bad person. You did some bad things to a lot of people.You know I mean you Huart a lot of people. I think it's humbly. I may bewrong about that. You know I may be wrong, but I understand we're sensitiveand you don't want to say you know. Let me tell you something a lot of timesthat I do what I do as a sponsor. I owe it o sponses is when they come up to meand they're all pissed off at their ex wife and they're all picked up on thisone and then tell me she's not when we see my kid and she's not doing this andshe's a pitch and everything like that. I'd say: Yeah One was last childsupport, you pay, he says well that has nothing to do with it. That is nothingto do with it. I said: listen, you know that little child of yours, you knowwith you feeling. Let me say he doesn't give a crap what you think what hecares about is when thes Milkin the refrigeratn right that little kid hasto be fed every day right, he says yeah, he says so. Mommy has to go out and buythe mill right. This is yeah and you're, not fiing. The milk bar you you're justsitting around thinking about how sorry you are because she's, not leting, yousee your kid I'll. Tell you what you do. You write a letter and I don't care howmuch you put in there. You apologize and you put it a fifty dollar chat.Don't say I'm going to pay, you put in the damn check and you send it to it oryou deliverd to, and you tell I'm going to do this every week and I'm try toget you more and you see what happens and then through we say they come backand say she's letting me see my kid. Don't give me the bullshit. I don'twant to hear the bullshit about your whining crying little stuff. You know Iwant to. I want to deal with the truth. I don't want to deal with your bullshit.You know what I mean, and so I don't know, maybe I'm tougher than somen. Idon't know I just can't handle. I am a bullshit artist. I am an evil son of abitch. I am selfish, I am Soseter, you know I mean I'm not going to sign onany nort enymotion and that's what the for step is all about. That's what theten step is all about whenever wete disturbed, no matter what the causethere's something wrong with me, theres something selfish about me. So if you find yourself disturbed a lot,you got a lot of shit wrong with you got to look into it. Yeah, that's agood thing! WOET! You disturbed! You know, O! You know it's a bad thing.When you're doing bad shitting, you never distart, when you're doing hey you're going torunwer some people in AA that they're doing bad stuff and it doesn't bother or if it bothers them, there's sno useto living a Bob, a life of bother. You know what I mean that it doesn't evenregister them. They're not doing the deal. You understand what I'm saying. So youwant to be free. You want to know the new freedom and the new happiness youwant to be rock in the fourttomantion existence. You want to get used todoing this. FOURH step inventory thing go to the book. They have a trat thisfour list by the way. That's I'm not GOINGNA, give you any more hits on thisis for list, and the Book Cin seed is...

...get it all down on paper, the feedrs,the sax the whole bit. Where were you wrong? It not to your fault. Theresentancs is actually for less and think in tells you how to look that. Sothat's all I have that's it for me.

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