AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 3 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 3 from the Coral Room Zoom January 15, 2021  

My name is Russell spats. I'man Alcolocko the CELTICSIA group and I haven't found that say I have a drinksince January, twenty and two one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. It'sgood to be here with you, guys and I want to welcome everybody,some the New People. I said, Jimmy of Ryan's here. How unusualto have an Irish kid and alcoholics on, not on to s like sort oflike as rare as hens teeth and and and he got and we gotall these guys from the Bronx here. I mean, what is this?You know, I go to a men's meeting every day at noon called menton track, and it's guys from all over the world, mostly guys thatare there's guys from New York, New Jersey. It's all New Yorkers andNew Jersey guys. A lot of them move down to the boat because youguys got to go to that means ment on track. We got like ahundred guys. They are seventy guys there. Most of them have over thirty years. They don't get round with my much. I could tell you thatthere's no craziness going on. It's that's the deal. You know, life'stoo short. You know, when you get to my eye, it's tooshort. You know, my sponsor used to say whenever you're disturbed, nomatter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. So I try notto be disturbable. I used to have a lot of things that disturbed me. So listen, I'm going to I'm going to talk a little bit.This is top three. I've been doing these steps series ever since I wasseven years some round thirty three years, and I used to call them stepthree or step two or that kind of stuff, but ever since the Alzheimer'ssaid, you know what I mean, it's it's just way too much pressurefor me to stay relevant and on topic. So I just call it talk threeand it's always going to be a step three or step eleven or stepsix or step seven. It's going to be all over place. Besides,we got ninety five people in here, so there's actually ninety five meetings goingon. There's people saying there's people here and stuff I'm saying that I'm noteven saying. So whatever, I'm like wounded today. I just want totell you, those of you who are at the four o'clock South Dixie me. You know, I II had a mouthful of Nova Cain and they didthree cavities today and the Nova came is starting to wear off. But I'msome talking, kind of funny. I got to talk slow or else Ihad a biting my lip or something, and but now the pain is settingit and and and and even the heroin isn't working. You know what Imean. And City I haven't. I haven't had a drink. You understandwhat I'm saying. You can. You can do heroin, you know,you just can't drink. So it's not I'm going to talk a little bitabout. This is my life. This is my life, has nothing todo with you. Don't even worry about it. My opinions, you know, based upon my experience with myself when others. So don't even worry aboutit. And that's the deal. It is not my intention. It isnot my intention to insult or disturbed anybody. It's just something that sort of happensevery time I speak. I don't I don't mean anything by it.It's not my fault and you can hate me, you can say I can'tbelieve invited this guy and please put me on your list, you know,just put me right up there with Mr Brown or whoever it is, youknow, and talk to your sponsor about me and pray over it and don'tget upset about anything I say. I say all sorts of Shit. I'vebeen so were a long time, been married forty years. My Wife's anAllen on our ladies, perpetual revenge for kids, seven grandkids, I say. I say a lot of stuff. I can't help it. I don'tknow where it comes from and and you know, there's no use get upsaid about anything I say, because I got to tell you, after Iget off of this I'm going to say to me I'm going to change mymind about ninety percent of it. So I wouldn't unlike what the book says, I'm going to rely on anything I say about anything. So I'm goingto talk a little bit about God. Now I got to be honest withit and, you know, sort of...

...like a lie, because most ofthe people that have ever gone to any of my means are heard takes.You know, I always talk about God and I don't talk a little bitabout God, I talk a lot about God. And so, let's faceit. That's what I want to talk about, but you know I'm sortof schizophrenic, and let me tell you what my problem is. This issort of a way of apologizing to You'all before I start. Although our bigbook says we never it says we're on a new basis, the basis oftrusting and relying upon God. We never apologize for God. All men offaith have courage. We never apologize for our belief in God. Instead,we let him demonstrate what he can do in our lives. Our big booksays, the way we get rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence, theway we experience much of jet of Heaven and have joy coming to our lives. The great fact on how to do that is this, and nothing lessthat that our creator becomes the central fact of our lives, that we becomeabsolutely convinced that he lives in our hearts and minds in a way which isindeed miraculous, and he's doing for us what we can't do for ourselves.And apparently one of the things doc young says he's doing for us, it'sa phenomena, that's a scientific way of saying miracle, is that as alcoholics, we eat says this. The psychic change is that our whole personality,our ideas, our emotions and our attitudes are shifted over care at a time, shifted to a whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes, andthat these things are the guiding forces of our lives, almost causing us,driving us to say and do certain things. They're shifted and we are we becomedominated by a whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes. Whereasthe big book says in Chapter Five, what our real problem, which centersin our mind, on our body? Not The drinking was just a symptomof this problem. Our real problem is that we're selfish and we're selfcentered andwhere driven, driven, compot compelled, driven by a whole, by byselfishness, self centeredness, by we're delusional. We step on the toes of others, they retaliate severingly, without provocation, seeming without we find, we finddown the road that we made decisions, choices, decisions. It's hardly achoice if you're going to automatically do it anyway, because you can't helpbut taking the money. You can't help but cheating on your life. Youcan't help but thinking about yourself and feeling sorry for yourself. You can't helpyou can't help yourself from sending that email. You can't help yourself from winning theargument. You can't help yourself from having the last word. You can'thelp yourself from feeling sorry for yourself. You know, and it says,that we made decisions or choices that put us in a position to be heard. So now alcohol is you know. That's the way we are with self. Will Run. Riot has nothing to do with our intellect, because ouremotions, in our feelings, which is...

...what we really worship. We worshipour feelings. Yes, I blew up your house and killed your wife andshot your dog, but you shouldn't have made fun of me in front ofthose people. You know, we were a ship ours. You know ourand that's the bottom line. We're selflowering riot, though we usually don't thinkso. We don't think so, though, and it says above everything, wemust get rid of the selfishness. You see when people come in toa it's been my experience with myself and others and sponsor people. Everybody comesin through the door of the not drinking club are a rooms even look likebars, except in seat of serving Scotch or beer, there serving coffee.We sit around the bar, we drink the coffee. We talked our bullshit. We hang out with the same albumies we hung around with in the bars, as a matter of fact, the bars for us, that's our waitinggroups, those people just waiting to get into alcoholics and we sit around withthe same people, the same bullshit, the same stuff, drinking the coffee, and that's our and that's our you know that. That's the the don'tdrink club. And we talked about not drinking unless your ass falls off,and don't drink and go to meetings and we celebrate not drinking. It's allgood, it's all wonderful, but apparently there's another club room and Aa there'sa fellowship of a spirit mentioned in chapter one, hundred and sixty four.There's a fellowship of the spirit and those guys, whoever those guys are,for lack of a better term, I'm going to call them the men,and I'm going to call the the the other ones, the ones that arejust in the not drinking club. You know, that's a stay off myback. I don't need to go. I haven't had a drinking ten years. I'm not even thinking about drinking. I mean I'm talking about there's aclub, there's another fellowship and a a will call it the extra credit fellowship. There are guys that are not either for the extra credit. You know, you're in here to not drink. Get off my back. And itis the extra credit club, you know what I mean. They want moreand the extra credit club is an interesting sort of deal. And that itsays. It says some of the guys in that club said as they said, but we're not going to know you, Bill Wilson, Dr Bob in ourbig book says we don't know if that for sure, but you're thebottom line is God will determine that. Of course you're real. Your realyour real relationship and your real reliance must be on God. He will showyou how to create the felouse fellowship you pray. So the fact that Iwas told a long time ago that if you're me, get to the ageof thirty five or forty and you have no idea why you're on the planetand you don't have a purpose in life, that's enough of a purpose to tearyou away from running around trying to get sex romance, prestige and allthe other level trinkets that you think you might need so you're not a worthlesspiece of shit. Because most alcoholics, like car manager said, alcoholics areout to his book man against himself on studed up suicide writing in the s. He said alcoholics are, many women, about destroy themselves. What what alcoholic, real alcohol, hasn't said these wonderful words themselves while lathering up inthe shower on a piece of shit? Out of kill myself? Why amI such a loser whatever? What alcoholic has ever said to themselves a milliontimes, if I only had that GLP, I only have that guy, ifI was only married, if I...

...was only divorced, if I onlyhave that job? What alcohol? Is it? A yes, butter andan if only, or and what? What kind of person is constantly sayingthemselves that the wake up of the morning to go sleep the knife? Ifonly, if only I'd have this, I'd be okay. What kind ofperson is constantly telling themselves over and over again, I'm not, Oh okay, why is this always happening to me? They don't know who this screwing.I'll show them. You know what kind of person open over again,says things like I don't give a crap what they think about I don't givea crap what they think about me. Who says that kind of stuff?I don't know. I think it's probably I've learned over the period of yearsthat the people that say I don't give a crap what they think about meand on one of them are people that worry all the time what other peoplethink about them. They have that other paranoid they actually think people are actuallythinking about them, which is an interesting thing. And the bottom line isthat is the real disease. That's the DIS ease that centers in your mindand not your body, and you can't get rid of it with intellect becauseit's so imprinted on your brain, are your mind, that it's at aplace where you can't touch with your the intellectual pride stuff, the intellector it'slike who is in Roland Hazard, who put him sound self under the tutelageof Dr Young and the N S and after he was sober for aut sixmonths or a year in the Best Treatment Center, you know, with DoctorCarl Young, he says to himself, now, knowing the inner working tomy mind, drinking is impossible. Nevertheless, next line. He was drunk ina few weeks he went to Dr Young. Dr Young said to himvery simply, how many doctors can actually say this to people? You knowwhen to be great, if doctor said this to alcoholics. He said,you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never been able to treatsomebody when that state of mind exists. He felt like the gates of hellwere clamped down. Oh if we only had a few out psychiatrists thatwould tell alcoholics are true. What? What what Dr Young said? TheRolling Hassard? It's a phenomena, it's a miracle, it's a spiritual thing. You know why, to alcoholics have such a hard time, you know, accepting the spiritual, the God part of this program? Why? Whywill we have a big book says God either is or he isn't, whichyour decision would be, when we have a book that basically said, hasa chapter to the agnostics and atheists and they have the reason I have achapter to the ast that alcoholics and an atheist is to tell him this sortof thinking must be abandoned, must be should be abandon must be abandoned.Doesn't give a an option. If a mere code of morals and a betterphilosophy of life would have helped us, we'd stay sober a long time ago, but such codes and morals never helped us. What does that mean?If that's true, if codes to then why is everybody thinking that good,orderly direction is what they're talking about when the big book says just the opposite, when it says that is not God good order, the direction is notGod. Why does it? It's just good. Do the next right thingis not something we want. Why do people think that they can substitute thatwhen the big book says? Well, you know, alcoholics are great atdelusional thinking. They're great. Really is sort of like substituted words in thatthey don't like. You know, I'm...

...an alcohol unless and until an alcoholicaccepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, is sobriety be precarious? Why doI have people have precarious, precarious sobriety? Maybe one of the consequences of beingan alcoholic is that whenever you hear something or see something or somebody tellsyou something you don't like, it confuses you, you hate them, youturn away and you change it. I know in my first life told me, if you come home, drop one more time. I'm leaving you twelvewords. Pretty simple. The first thing I said to myself is, whatthe hell did you mean by that? I know, if you want totell that, if you want to confuse an alcohol or get him to hateyou, just say something he doesn't like. It's really simple. You know whenthey'll forget away why they's don't listen to you because they don't want tochange. And that's the deal. So what I'm going to do is I'mgoing to talk of and the reason I'm sizophrenic and I'll tell you why I'vebeen doing this thing. You know, I've been one of the reasons wechange, you know, one of the reason we change this at all.This stuff I'm saying. You may think that's like an original deal, butthose who know the big book and the Twelve and twelve and Dr bottom goodold timer, know that all I'm doing is quoting from the big book ofAlcoholics and on this and by from the basic material of our program you knowthat because you know that's what I'm doing. The reason I can do it isbecause I've done it's like wax on lacks. All I've done these steps. Somebody asked me whether I do the steps anymore. I said I don'tknow. I said I just live my life because when you do the steps, when you first come in, they seem discreet, they seem different.There's such a manner of living which there is a manner of living that whichdemands rigorous honesty, and there's a matter of living that demand's rigorous dishonesty.And I lived for thirty one years and for, quite frankly, maybe afew years after that, with a manner of living that demanded dishonesty. That'swhy you need sponsors, that's why you need inventory steps, that's why youneed meetings for somebody somewhere, somehow to point out to you that you're livinga dishonest life. You need that stuff because because the drinking they stopped,maybe the drinking with me stopped on January twenty five, one thousand nine hundredand eighty one, but the thinking, the personality, the delusional thinking,the craziness didn't stop on that day. The life of the dishonest life.And I didn't even know I was dishonest, because you don't really know what thereal problem is. You think the problem is drinking and then you comein here in three months later you realize you're insane. You realize that thereason that they talk about, you know, finding a power that will restore youto sanity is because you're crazy. It may take three months, itmay take four months, but one of these days you'll wake up three o'clockin the morning and you realize I'm nuts and I haven't added drinking six months. Everything's botting. Why am I so on happy? Why am I notrocketing forth the ment? What is my problem? Well, it's alcohol.That's the real now you get to experience alcoholism. I never experience is alcoholismwhen I was drinking. How can you experience Alcoholis when I'm drinking. Youknow, when I saw when alcoholics, when alcohol when alcoholism was three milesaway from me, down the street, approaching me, I would turn tomy friend and say I need a drink. And when I said I needed adrink, I needed a drink and I would chase the alcoholism a way. That's why I drink, because no woman, no car, no matterof money, no nothing worse. Quade as well acquires fass is just afew drinks so I drank it, but...

...you want to US something after Iget put down the booze. The women work, the cars work, themoney works and they can have the same disastrous effect. They never leave tohappiness chasing those things. And how do you give up that stuff that bothersyou from the next two thousand and twenty five years, you know, andhurting people, you know, how do you get a give up the thinkingand that stuff? So the reason I'm going to the reason I'm sort ofschizophrenic is because, believe me, I wasn't a God guy. I wasI was going to be my my what I wanted to be was the youhave torn my ant I wanted. I want the playboy yacht with all thebunnies and all the money and all the toys. You know, I don'tneed alcohol to be an Asso. I need alcohol to feel sorry for myself. Believe me, I walked into that bar with that goodlooking Gal and allthe guy us looking at me and I felt like I was high as akind. I get into that brand new car and I'm driving down the street, I think the whole world is looking at me. You know, II I get money in my pocket, I think I'm a superstar. Igo to the gym, I get buff and I get looking pretty good andI think nothing. I'm like unbelievable. By the same token, that wearsoff pretty quick and I don't have the God, I don't have the girland I don't have the date. All of a sudden, feeling like apiece of crap, I get fired or the jobs and doing well. NowI want to kill myself. You know, the same up and down. I'venever been able to find the decent way of living when I'm focused onthe things of this world, and it seems to me I can't do anythingbut focus on the things of this world. Who's going to solve that problem forme when I don't even know it's a problem? I don't know ofany other way of doing it. Everybody I know thinks that feels the sameway. How's going to how am I going to solve that deal? Andwhat happened to me in alcoholics anonymous? It's over a period of the yearsI changed, like we all change, according to alcoholics anonymous, by repeatedhumiliations and the final crushing over our self sufficiency. We got a new perspectiveand the only thing that's happened to me is, after forty years, I'vejust been crushed a lot of times, I've been humiliated a lot of times, I've gone through a lot of handhand common bat and I've learned a valueof suffering. And every time I've suffered and every time I've been crushed andevery time I've lost some mean old sponsor or some Group of people or somebook, has always pointed me towards God. Went didn't me towards God, pointedme towards God. And I find myself at three o'clock in the morningsaying God help. I find myself at twelve o'clock in the afternoon saying thisSurrendy I find myself asking God's help. I find myself turning things over andturning things over and doing steps and turn things over. One day, twentyfive years down the road, twenty five years down the road, I wakeup one morning thinking about God because I'm going to church, as they recommendin alcoholics anonymous. You know they encourage did you know they encourage church membership? That's an interesting thing. The founders of alcoholics anonymous in two places saywe encourage church membership. Most of US belong to religious organizations. I wantyou to listen. They didn't have to put that in there, but thefounders of alcoholics, anonymous, said we...

...encourage church membership. Most of USalong to religious organizations because we can help those people and we can get spiritualhelp there. And you got two alcoholics. You Got One alcoholic saying I can'tstand the church, I'm spiritual, not religious, and you get anotheralcoholic saying I'm going to try that deal out because the founders encouraged it.When is open minded, one has lost all prejudice, even against organized religion. One still has a resentment. I don't care what you call in yourlanguage. I live a life of rigorous honesty. I know what a resentmentlooks like. I know what it means to be not open minded. Iget it, okay, and over a period of time now I find myselfin a situation, at seventy one years of age, where my life isincredible. I'm not saying it's perfect, it's just incredible and it's been verybit made very, very clear to me. That's incredible because I stopped turning thingsover to God and I started living it. Turned over life and Istarted focusing on God. And the reason why I focus on God and he'sbecome the centerpiece of my life is because everybody I hang out with talks aboutGod. In Aa I talk about God, my sponsor in the people I chooseto hang out with talk about God. In the church, they talked aboutGod. You know, I think about it, I read about godlystuff. I was told the man I'll be in the next five years willdepend upon the people I hang out with, the books I read, and thebooks I read depend on who I hang out with. I clung outwith guys that read the Bible and go to Bible study and and so I'mliving a turned over life and I don't think I do the steps. I'mjust living them. I'm just living them before I use so like it.If we through stay, Oh that was a fourth step, if it tendsto Oh, I think I made amends there. Oh, that was likea twelve step, and all I know is it's just the way I livemy life. Doesn't say you have to develop a manner of living which demandsthrough us, honesty. What happens when you develop a matter of how longdoes it take to develop a manner of living? which demands were of us. Honesty. That becomes second nature. How long does it take for analcoholic develop a matter of living where you're not envying other people, where you'renot coveting what they have, where you're not saying things like I'll hold them? How long does it take the little matter of living where you stop hatingpeople, where you start getting pissed all the time or get upset about everythingthat happens? You know what I could tell about somebody sobriety? You knowwhat I tell about somebody sobriety by what makes some what what pisses them all? What does it take the getting crazy? You know, when my sponsors andthe people I hang out with talk, say things like that person is sober, they're not talking about drinking. And why do I see guys thatI talked to and I sponsor now that have twenty five and thirty and thirtyfive years that hit that glass ceiling and a a like the marble commercial,the old one smoking more, enjoying it less, that they're thirty years soberand they're not happy with their sobriety. What are they missing? You know, you know there's a line and vision for you it says this. Itsays once in a while, a drinker, a former drink, that says dryat the moment, dry at the moment. Try at the moment.Says feel better, look better, having a better time. We laugh,we smile at such sally. We know who tried the old game again becausehe's not happy with his sobriety. Soon he'll know loneliness, as few youdo. Will be at the jumping off...

...place. You know what happens whenyou have a situation where you're twenty five years sober and you're doing every oror, like I was, nine or ten years sober and you're doing everythingthey tell you doing. A you in the WH banquet chairman two years ina row. You're sponsoring tons of people, you're doing step meetings, you're goingto two three step means today. You're doing whatever you have to do. You're you're doing the a thing you love Aa and you get some pointthat, somehow, some way, even though you're doing everything, it's you. You know there's something more. You just can't get to it. Youknow, it's like it's like in the build dot and built like build dotsand said an alcoholics anonymous number three. I knew there was something more,something a person ought to have, something to a release, a release,some sort of release, a happiness, something a person ought to have,and I was trying to find the answer and I was with Bill Wilson oneday in my house. We were eating lunch and he turned to my wifeand said, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, suringme of this terrible disease, that I have to keep talking about it andtelling other people. And I realized, and that was his purpose in life, is entire purpose. And this was guy like me who worship money,stock market and everything and build dots and said he says. That was thegolden text for me. That's what changed my life. Bill Wilson was wasvery, very grateful for what, for everything, God had given to him, and he gave all credit to God and he was so excited he wascompelled to tell other people about it, sort of like the way I'm compelledto tell you about it, and not only that, not scared to doit, he wasn't apologetic about so I want to read you something from alcoholicsand honess, you know, you ever see that thing? Rarely have weseen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. That was written innineteen thirty nine. In one thousand nineteen thirty five, a was started andit went on for four years. And then nineteen thirty nine they wrote abook and they say rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followedpower path. You do what we did, you'll get what we got. And, by the way, you know what else they said? They saidhalf measures will value and nothing. They said there is no middle of theroad solution. God couldn't what if he was? So they say God hasall power. There is one who has all Paris. It didn't say theseventeen said there's one that has all power. You know what else they said?They said things like in the big book. They said things like onceyou sincerely, he says, you must get rid of selfishness. You must, or kills you. God makes that possible. When did God become adirty word alcohol in the fellowship? When did people start beat feeling having achill about talking about God because they worried about what the group would think aboutit? When people sit in a room and apologize for talking about God?Now I don't know my big book says it's as once we make that decisionfor God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, they'llgive us everything we need if we stay close to him. And performers workwell, as work is to be a maximum service to other people. MyBook says C to it. Your relationship with him is writing, and greatevents will come to pass for you and countless others. So when you're thinkingabout in nineteen thirty nine, so you may be saying to yourself, whatdoes it mean to go to any lengths? It's not one any lays, itsays. That's what they talk if you do what I mean, todo the thing thoroughly. I think it...

...man something to do with our choices. So let's talk about when they wrote that book, in Nineteen Thirty Nine, when they say, really, have we seen a person fail who hasthoroughly followed our path? Just in case there are people here. Just incase, there are people here that are doing a, a like crazy,and they think they're doing aa and they're doing everything in egg. Maybe theyhave ten years or fifteen years and they're doing a but somehow, some way, they feel like there's something missing. Then maybe I know there maybe somewherepeople like that here, because I was like that that nine years, oreight years, or nine or ten or eleven years. I was doing Aa, I was sober, I was carrying the message, I was sponsored withpeople and there was something missing and I didn't know what. So let metalk about next. Every time you hear the word, rarely have we seena person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Let me talk. Letme talk to you for a second. You might want to get this bookDr Bottom, the good old timers, so you can see what their pathwas, so you can actually see what they were doing, because you maythink that they were doing what we do now. You understand saying. Youmay think that they're doing what we're doing. So let me read this. Thisis page one hundred and one. Dr Bottom. The good old timersconference approved militarial on the other hand, we were taking them upstairs and gettingthem on their knees to surrender, which I felt was very important. Thesurrender was more than important, it was a must. The surrender was morethan important, it was a must. Bobby, who came into a andFebruary of one thousand, nine hundred and thirty seven. We call that.After four or five days in the hospital, when you had indicated that you wereserious, they told you to get down on your knees by the hospitalbed and say and say a prayer to God, admitting you were pallous overalcohol and your life was unmanageable. Furthermore, you had to state that you believedin a higher power who returned you to Saturday. There you can seethe beginning of the twelve steps, he said. We called that the surrender. They demanded it. You, who could not go to a meeting untilyou did it. You could not go to a meeting. That was theinitiation. You couldn't go to me. They didn't believe you were serious untilyou did it. If I answer and you didn't make it in the hospital, you had to make it in the upstairs bedroom of the Williamson's house,dorothys E, we called the nineteen thirty seven meetings, when the men wouldall disappear upstairs and all US women would be nervous and worried about what wasgoing on. After about an hour or so, down would come the newman, shaking white, serious and grim, and all the people who are alreadyin a would come trooping down after him. They were pretty reluctant totalk about what happened, but after a while they would tell us they hada real surrender. That was a in nineteen thirty seven. Let me goon. Let's talk about Bob Smith, about Bobby Smith. So there's aguy named Clarence, the brew master. Let me see whether I can findthis part. This is Claren so Bob Smith. This is how Bob Smithtwelve step people. You know, Dr Bob Ere bed tells that all Ihad. Dr Bob is my sponsor. Here's how Dr Bob Twelve steps clarencethe blue group. The broom asks who started the first group in Akron,a group, it says. Now Doc...

Smith came in later and took over. He sat on the edge of my bed. This is page one hundredand forty three. If you want to check on it see whether I'm tellingyou the truth. Docs left. Came in later and took over. Hesat on the edge of my bed and said, well, what do youthink of all this? Then he paused and looked at me doubtfully. Idon't know whether you're ready yet. You're kind of young. I was downto a hundred thirty five pounds, no job, no clothes, no money. I didn't know how much more radio could be. We called Clarence.Still I had to convince them I was ready. You get that, youget the difference. Still, I had to convince them I was ready.You did the defense. Still I had to convince them I was ready.Not US begging them not to leave, not US begging them to join Aa. You know, I because these were low bottom drums. These were lowbottom. You know why? It says the book. Why all this insistenceon hitting bottom? Because nobody's going to really do this thing. Nobody's goingto do this thing the way it's supposed to be done unless they think theirlife depends upon and so he said. Still I had to convince them Iwas ready. Then he asked. Then he asked, then Bob asked.First question, Bob Ass, you ever hear anybody in a room say,well, they had talk to me about God? How do you hurt peoplesay they room if they had mentioned God when I came and I would letyou ever hear sending something like that. How about this? Then bobby asked, do you believe in God? Dumb fellow, bring your Shit never youever hear anybody. You ever hear anybody say don't talk about the Gods andnew give me a chase somebody. This is what Bob Smith said. Hesays you believe in God, Young Fella. He always called me young. Feltthat he called me Clarence. When called me Clarence, are you alwaysin trouble? Then Clarence says, what does that have to do with it? And Bob Smith says everything. Everything. I guess. I do. Guessnot that you you do or you don't? Yes, I do.That's fine, Dr Bob replied. Now we're getting someplace. All right,get out of bed and on your knees. We're going to pray. I don'tknow how to pray. I guess you don't. That's all right,just follow what I say and that will do for now. I did whatI was ordered to do. I did what I was ordered to do.Repeated again, I did what I was ordered to do. Clarence said therewere no suggestions. Dr Bob was always positive about his faith. Clarence,stead of someone asked them a question about the program his usual response was whatdoes it say in the good book? Suppose he was asked what's all?The first thing. First, Dr Ball would be ready with the appropriate quotation. Seek you first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness at all things,and be add it onto you. Hey, listen, I'm just saying you're untilyour own opinion. Just on tell to your own fact. That wasa from nineteen thirty five to nineteen thirty seven when they said really, Ihaven't seen person pills thoroughly followed our bath. That's what they were doing. Okay, now, do I want to change a? Absolutely not. Idon't have to change A. I understand people coming in high bottoms. Iunderstand people coming from treatment centers. That's okay. I mean I understand thatpeople come in and they're not necessary and they don't want to believe in Godand then or believe in this stuff and they're not ready to find I getthat. I understand that. Doesn't doesn't concern me. The bottom line isI I understand that that a has instead of US trying to prove that weshould be an a or prove to them that wrote, I understand that.We don't have to do we don't have to do the second step, inthe third step to go to our first met I understand that. I understandthe philosophy the A or the last eighty...

...years. House now change and theydon't care. We don't care. I understand that. A's basically loffee is. You do your thing, I'll do my thing. You know, youwant to be an atheist, you can be any want to be a nastyyou be in agnostic. It's the saying God is in that importance. Youknow what I mean. If there is going to be a god, it'sgood thing they tell about in the big book. You'll figure it out.I understand they let you rock and roll around Aa for fifteen, twenty,thirty years, slip and slide and go all over the place until you maybefigure something out. Or maybe a ten or fifteen years you start reading thisbook and say maybe that's the problem, maybe these guys are actually serious aboutthis stuff, maybe I'm not doing this as thoroughly as I think I am. May I understand that that that's the deal, that we can rationalize.I'm a rationalizer. I told myself rational life. I understand that. Wedon't order anybody to do anything, unless maybe you're their sponsor, and thenI understand that they honestly follow your direction anyway. You know, because sayhas become a whole different animal. But I don't think, and I maybe wrong about this, it is my theory. Even though we have changedin the fellowship was changed, I'm not sure that the disease is changed.I'm just not sure that the disease brought into our new agreement. I thinkthey found an answer. I think they had found the way out. Ithink they found the way to not only get sober and not drink, butalso be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. I know, you cancome a day you're not do any of this stuff. You have believing God, and I don't come an a a. You can. You can stay soberphysically for thirty five, forty years. They were relatively okay life and youknow, and you know the suffer from a little lowliness or, youknow, depression or whatever it is it is. I understand that some peopleare perfectly satisfied would just not drinking, going to meetings, hanging out ofthe fellowship. I know, I know what the sixth step means when itsays, when it says the difference between the men and the boys are themen are the ones who are trying to come to a point where they removeanything between them and God and grow in the image and likeness of God.And the boys are the ones that settle. They settle this is good enough.I'm not drinking. Leave me alone. I understand what the differences between themen and the boys. I get that now. I understand that andI also understand that. It's like it's pretty much like a like a formula. You do certain things the way they do and you get certain results.Your substitute in. I mean, listen, instead of eggs, use egg beaters. Instead of cream, use milk. You know, I I understand.When you substitute, you may still get a chocolate take. It's justnot going to check taste like the other chocolate cake. I understand that deal. I understand what really how we see perpetillos thoroughly followed. I understand thealcoholic personality, where the chief Chacteristic is the pliant that the first thing anybodywants to hear or say to me is, well, what the Hell do youknow? Why should listen to you? You don't know anything. I'm goingto do it. I understand why. I understand about the alcohol personality andyou know it's sort of like Piston into the wind when I talk aboutthis of stuff. But here's the good one, the good part. AllI'm doing is talking about my life and what I found. I'm fulfilling myresponsibility and reading to you, reading to you what it says in this bookand what it says in the big book of alcoholics anonymous. Here's the greatdeal. I have fulfilled my responsibility. I feelfilled my purpose. My purposesis carried the message, the way I see it, in my life andthis book, and whether they straightforward say in this book, you know,to whoever I'm talking to, that's my purpose and that's a purpose. Thatdoesn't mean I can't run a law office,...

...that doesn't mean I can raise fourkids and, you know, twelve and seven grandkids, or I can't, you know, be the involved Deacon in my church. I'm involved ina lot different things, but my primary purpose is to help other alcoholics anddo a bill. Listen to you know, the Lord has been someone for methrough me, this double seat I got to talk about and telling peoplewhat y'all do with it. You know, what Y'all do with it is upto you, you know, but I don't think he can honestly sayten or fifteen years down the road, if you can't stop drinking or ifyou're thirty years sober and you're happy. I don't think you'd ever say tosomebody if you don't have if you haven't been seeking and aligning. Look,a's not a lie with any sect that I'm national religion, but in myopinion, if you're in here at some point of time, you better getyour ass alive. You better. But you don't want to be a loosepanning you know. You don't want to do one of these guys flown aroundnot having an idea who god is, what he is or what he wantsyou to do. You know what I mean. I may be wrong aboutthis, but at least here's the point. At least I'll walk away from thisdeal saying I did what you want to need to do. I didwhat Bill Wilson are me do you know? And I don't have to worry.I'm not worried about you know what Andrea things or Mike from the bronzethings or Jimmy O'Brien thinks or anything like that. I don't sit there saying, did I piss off Poblem, you know, it does. Vinny notlike me anymore. I have to do that, you know, that's theold way of that. I don't want that life anymore. That's the oldlife, trying to compromise who you are and what you are and change yourselfinto something else or drink yourself into something else so that people will love youbecause you're in such need of other people's love and all that sort of stuff. That's a losing deal. That's a losing bondage. You know what Iwhat I I'm concerned about is I'm doing what the Lord wants me. That'sit. So the bottom line is that's all I have to say about what. Whatever it has to do, and I think it may have to dothe third step, I'm a thinking it's possible. At least you can't say, well, nobody ever told me this twenty years ago. Oh, Inever heard about this. I wish I have been told. Wish somebody hadtold me about this. Okay, so thank you very much.

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