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Episode · 9 months ago
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Episode · 9 months ago
Russell S. Step 3 at the Coral Room Zoom
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
My Name 's Russell, spat, o'in outofostixy group and I haven't found Thas, say I've drink since January, twentyone thousand, nine hundred and eighty one it's good to be here with you guysand I' want to welcome everybody srom theNew People. I Sal Jimmye o'ryans ere. How unusual to have an Irish kid andalcoholics am not not gin O so like sort of like as rare as ense teeth andand and he got, and we got all these guys, Fon the Brog here I mean what isthis. You know I go to a men's leading every day at noon, called Menon trackand it's guys from all over the world, mostly guys tat, ape theres, guys fromNew York, New Jersey, it's all New Yorkers and TNEW JERSEY, guys a lot ofthem moved down of the Bolt because you bat got to go to that mean men on track.We got like a hundred guys, therare seveny, guys there most of them haveover thirty years. They don't get rattled by much. I could tell you thatthere's no craziness going on it's that's the deal you know life's tooshort. You know when you get Tomag it too short. You know my spots used tosay whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause there's somethingwrong with you, so I try not to be disturbable. I use to Hav a lot ofthings that disturb me. So listen, I'm gonna, I'm Gon to talk a little bit.This is top three I've been doing these step series ever since I was seven yearso around thirty three years and I used to call them step three year, step to or that kindof stuff, but ever since the Alsheinerson, you knowwhat I mean it's it's just way too much pressure for me to stay relevant and ontopic. So I just call it talk three and it's always going to be at step, Threehor step eleven or step six or step. Seven, it's going to be all over place.Besides, we got ninety five people in Yeur, so there's actually ninety fivemetns going on there's people sag, there's people doing stuff, I'm sayingthat I'm not even saying so whatever in like wounded today. I just want to tellyou those of you were at the four o'clock South Tixou mean you know, I I had a mouthful of Noba team and they did three cabenies today andthe nobe can is trying to wear off but I'Mso I'm talking kind of funny. I gota top slow, wrse iend up biting my lhip or something and but now the pain issetting in and and and even the heroin isn't working. You know what I mean and Sidy I haven't. I haven't had a treatyou understand what I'm saying you can you can do heroin? You know just can'tthrint. So it's not I'm going to talk a little bit about this is my life. Thisis my life. Has Nothing to do with you. Don't EV worry about it! My opinions,you know, based upon my experience with myself when others, so don't even worryabout it and that's the deal. It is not my intention, it is not my intention toinsult or disturb anybody. It's just something that sort of happens. Everytime I speak. I don't I don't mean anything by it.It's not my fault and you can hate me. You can say I can't believe who invitedthis guy and please put me on your list. You know just put me right up therewith Mr Brown or whoever it is. You know and talk to your sponsor about me andPraye overitand. Don't get upset about anything. I said I say all sorts ofShit, ihve, Bun, somvor a long time, an married forty years, my wife's Gen owimon our ladies perpetual revenge and four kids, seven grandkids. I say Isell a lot of stuff. I can't help it. I don't know where it comes from and- andyou know, thees no, you sted upset about anything. I say because I Gotttell you after I get off of this, I'm going to say I'm going to change. MyneLind Tobout, ninety percent of it, so I wouldn't, unlike what the book says, imwould rely on anything. I say about anything. So I'm Goe talk a little bitabout God. Now I got to be honest with it and you know it's sort of like a liebecause most of the people that have...
...ever gone to any of my meetings or tase,you know I always talk about God and I don't talk a little bit about God. Italk a lot about God, and so, let's face it, that's what I want to talkabout, but you know I'm sort of Scisophranic and let me tell you whatwhat my problem is, and this is sort of a way ofapologizing tall. Before I start, although our big book says we Niggatsays we're on a new basis, the basis of trusting and Reliang upon God, we never apologize for go all men of faith have purved. We never apologize for our belief inGod. Instead, we let him demonstrate what he can do in our lives. Our big book says the way we getrocketed into the fourth dimension existence. The way we experience much ojet of Heaven an have joy coming to our lives, a great fact on how to do that. Is thisand nothing less that that our creator becomes the central fact of our lives than we become absolutely convincedthat he lives in our hearts and minds in a way which is indeed miraculous andhe's doing pros what we can't do for ourselves andapparently one of the things tokte young says he's doing for us. It's a Phenomenan, that's a Sciencefoglab sane miracle is that as alcoholiics we, he says the the psychicchange is that our whole personality, our ideals, our motions and ourattitudes are shifted over period of time shifted to a wholenew set of ideas, emotions and attitudes, and these tins are the guiding forces ofour lives almost causing us driving us to say and do certain things, they'reshifted and we have we become dominated by a whole new set of ideas, emotionsand attitudes, whereas the Big Buck says in chapter five, but our real problem, which sensus inour mind on our body, not te drinking, was just a symptom of this problem. Ourreal problem is that we're selfish and we're selfcentered and we're drivendribit compop compel, driven by a home by by selfishthes selfcenterness Y,with delusional we step on the toes of others. They retaliate seven Linwithout provocation seegle. Without we find we fling downthe road that we made decisions, choices decisions, it's hardly a choiceif you're going to automatically do it anyway, because you can't help buttaking the money, you can't help the Cheatin. On your mind, you can't help by thinking aboutyourself and feeling Sorr F yourself. You can't help you can't help yourselffrom sending that email. You can't help yourself from winning the argument. Youcan't help yourself from having the last word. You can't help yourself fromfeeling Sorr foyor, so you know, and it says that we made decisions of choices that put us in a position to be hurt.So an alcohol is, you know, that's the way we are Wech self will run riot has nothing to do with our intellect,because our emotions and our feelings,...
...which is what we really worship, wit,worship, oprfements. Yes, I blew up your house and filled your wife andshot your dog, but you shouldn't have made fun of me in front of those people.You know we wore Ashibar, you know and that's the bottom line, we're selflower ond riot though we usually don't think so. You don't think Stouh and itsays above everything we must get rid of the selfishness you see when people coming to AA. It'sbeen my experience with myself and others and spots for people. Everybodycomes in through the door of the not drinking club, Ra woms even looks like bars, exceptinstead of serving Scotch or beer theserving coffee, we sit around thebar, we drink the coffee. We talk about Bolhshit, we hang around with the sameolpes we hung around with in the bars as a matter of fact, the bars for us.That's our waiting groups, those people just waiting to get inout box enough.We sit around at the same people, the same bolship t same stuff, drinking thecoffee and that's our and that's our you know, that's the the the done drinkclub and we talk about not drinking unless your ass falls off and don'ttrink and go to meetings and we celebrate not drinking, it's all good.It's all wonderful, but apparently there's another clubroom in AA, there's a fellowship of a spirit mentioned in chapter onred, ansixty four there's, a fellowship of the spirit and those guys, whoever those giyes arefrom AC Ol, better term, I'm going to call thim the men ha I'm going to callthe the the other ones the on that are just in the not reatin club. You know,let's say stay off my back. I don't need to go. I HAVEN'T AD drinking ten years and I'mnot even thinking about drinking. I mean I'm talking about. There's a clubthere's another fellowship and AA wi'll call it theextra credit fellowt. There are guys that are not inser for the extra credit.You know you in here to not drink, get off my back and it is the extra reficFlo. You know I mean they want more, and the extra crenit club is aninteresting sort of deal and, and that thit said it says some of the guysneckclubs ask they said, but we're not going to know you build Olon d Bob Andour big boom says we don't know F that for sure, but your the bottom line is: God willdetermine that because you're real, your real, your real relationship and your real reliancemust be on God. He will show you how to create e Fellif.You Fellowship Ou pray. So the fact that I was told a long timeago that Youy get to the age of thirty five or forty, and you have no idea why you're on theplanet- and you don't have a purpose in life- that's enough afbout purpose totear you away from rung around trying to get sex romance prestige and all theulical trinkets that you think you might need so you're, not a worthlesspiece of Shit, because most alcoholics, like callmanager, said alcohols, are out. Te Is Book Mad against himself on Sewitd upsuicide, wrinn N th. He said alcoholics ar men. Women areout destroy themselves. What let alcoholic real alcohol hasn'tsaid. These wonderful words themselves, while lavering up in the shower on thepiece of shit out utill myself. Why am I such a loser, whatever whatALCOHOLC, as ever, SAI to themselves a million times? If I only had that Galt,I only had that guy. I was only married...
...if I was only divorced becaus. I onlyhad that job. What alcohol is in a yes butter and a niponly or and what whatkind of person is constantly saying themselves the the wake up in themorning. He go sleep. The knife, if only, if only I have this ibe okay,what kind of person is constantly telling themselves over and over againI'm not okay. Why is this always happening to me? They don't know who they'R screwingwith ill sow that you know what kind of person oper andover Agan says things like. I don't give a crap what they think about. I don't give a crap what they thinkabout me. Who says that kind of stuff- I don't know, I think it's probablyI've, learned over the pretty years that the people that say I don't give acrap what they think about me and on one of them are people that worry allthe time. What other people think about t av that other Panoi? They actuallythink people are actually thinking about them, which is an interestingthing, and the bottom line is that is the real disese. That's the diseasethat centers in your mind and not your Bodyfe, and you can't get rid of itwith intellect, because it's so imprinted on your brain on your mindthat it's at a place where you can't touch with your the intellectual pridestuff, the intellectof, it's like whois, a rol and hazard, who put im sound selfunder the tunimage of Dr Young in t s and after et, was sober for about sixmonths or a year and the best treatment setter. You know with Daky Carl Young.He says to himself now, knowing the inner working. To my mind, drinking isimpossible. Nevertheless, next meline he was drunkin a few weeks. We went to DOCR young docor young said to him very simply howmany doctors can actually say this to people you know. Would it be great? Ifdoctors said this, the alcoholics, he said you have the mind of a chronicalcoholic. I have never been able to treat somebody when that state of mineDi desis he felt like the gates of hell, were plamped down. Oh, if we only had afew out psychiatris that would tell alcohol fo truth, Bat, what Docor Youngsaid the rolling Hacid, it's a phenomenan, it's a miracle. It's aspiritual thing. You know why do alcohocs have such a hard time. Youknow excepting te spiritual, the God part of this program. Why? Why won't wehave a big book, says God either is or he isn't, which we decision in o bewhen we have a book that basically sat has a chapter to the ibnostics and atesand they have the reason they have a chapter to the ASTEC alcoholcs. An andAthis is to tell him this sort of thinking must be abandoned must be should be. Abandon must beabandond, doesn't give mat option if a mere code of morals and a betterphilosophy of life would have helped us we'd Stac over a long time ago, butsuch codes and morals never help us. What does that mean? If that's true itcoach them? The win. Is everybody thinking that good, orderly directionis what they're talking about when the big book says just the opposite, Wut,it says that is not God. Good, orderly direction is not got. Why does it it'sjust ge? Do the next right thing is not something we want. Why do people thinkthat they can substitute that when the big book says well, you know alcoholicsare great at delusional thinking, they're great, really and sort of likesubstituting words in that they don't,...
...like you know, I'm an alcohol unless Han itsoln Ot, fulkinsepsis alcoholism and all its consequences is soridedlepreparious. Why do have people africais pecarious soriety, maybe one of theconsequences of being and Alcoholic? Is that whetever you hear something or seesomething, or somebody tells you something you don't like it confusesyou. You hate them. You turn away and you change it. I know when my firstlife told me if you come home druck one more time on leaving you tout words,pretty simple. The first thing I said to myself is what the Hell rechie meanby that I know if you want to tell het, if you want to confuse an alcohol orget him to hate, you just say something: He doesn't like. It's really simple,you know Wen den't forgot away. why Te to listen to youbecause? They don'twant to change and that's the real. So what I'm going to do is I'm goingtotalk about and the reason I'm Spitsa, fratic and I'll tell you wo. I've been doing this thing. You know Iand one of the reasons we change. You know one of the breefs. We change thisas all this stuff. I'm saying you may think this like an original deal, butthose who know the big book and the Twelve and twelve it Dr BottomGilltimer know that all I'm doing is quoting from the big book of alcoholsan on this and by from the basic material of Ou program. You know that,because you know that's what I' The reason I can do it is because I'vetoughet is like wax on Lapsong. I've done these step. Somebody asked mewhether I do this step anymore. I said I don't. I said I just live my life,because when you do the steps, when you first come in, they seem toscreet. Theyseem different, there's such a manner of living, which there's a manter ofliving that which demands rigorous honesty and there's a matter of livingthat the man's rigorous dishonesty and I lived for thirty one years and forquite frankly, maybe a few years after that, with a manter of living that theman did dishonest. That's why you need sponsors, that's why you needinventoard steps, that's why you need meanings for somebody somewhere,somehow to point out to you that you're living a dishonest line. You need that stuff, because, becausethe drinking they stop, maybe the drinking Wutd me stopp on January,Twenty Fifth Touninethundren, eighty one, but the thinking the personality,the delusional thinking the craziness, didn't stop on that day. Thethe life of the dishonest life- andI didn't even know I was dishonest because you don't really know what thereal problem is. You think the problem is drinking and then you come in hereand three months later, you realize you're insane. You realize that thereason that they talk about you know finding a power that will restore youto sanity is because you're crazy. It may take three months. It may take fourmonths, but one of these days you'll wake up three o'clock the morning andyou realize I'm nots and I haven't had a drink in six months, everything'sbottomy. Why am I souling? Why am I not Rockingn forttomenwhat ismy problem? Well, it's out. THAT'S THE REAL! Now you get to experiencealcoholism, I never experienced apcolism when I was drinking. How couldyou experience Alcoholis when I'm drinking you know when is whenAlcoholics Wen alcohol? When alcoholism was three miles away from me down thestreet approaching me, I would turn to my friend and say I need a drink andwhen I said I needed a drink, I needed a drink and I would chase thealcoholsome way. That's why I dream, because no woman, no ar no amount ofmoney, no nothing worth quite as well at Wieras Frasses, just a you drink, soI drank it, but you want to know...
...something after I get put down thebooze and women work, the cars work, the money works and they can have thesame disastrous effect. They never leave happiness chasing those things.And how do you give up that stuff that bothers you for the next tenty twentyfive years? You know and hurting people, you know how do you get ta, give up thethinking and that stuff. So the reason I'm gonna the reason I'msort of skin O Frani is wecause. Believe me, I wasn't a god Guy I was. I was going to be mymy what Iwanted to be wis se. You have Toi my hand I wanted. I want the playboy yact withall the bunnies and all the money and all the toys. You know I don't neenalcohol to be an Asso. I neen alcohol to feel sorry for myself. Believe me. Iwalked in that bar with that good, looking Gow and all the guys. Lookingat me- and I felt like I was high as a kind I get into that brand new car andI'm driving dowt of the street, I think the whole world as looking at me. Youknow I get money in my pocket. I think I'm asuper star. I go to the gym, I get buff and I get looking pretty good and Ithink nothing unmlike unbelievable. By the same token, that wears off prettyquick and I don't have Ha Gok, I don't have the girl and I don't have the dateall of a sudden, I'm feeling like a piece of crap I get fired or the jobisn't doing. Well now I want to kill myself, you know e the same up and downI've never been elable to find the decent way of living. When I'm focusedon the things of this world- and it seems to me, I can't do anything butfocus on the things in this poor who's going to solve that Pron. For me, whenI don't even know it's a problem, I don't know of any other way of doing it.Everybody. I know thanks Tan feels the same way howis going to Howm. I goingtosolve that to you and what happened to me and alcoholics. Anonymous is over aperiod of be years. I changed like we all change the quiten alcohalsanonymous by repeated humiliations and the final crushing ofverourselfsufficiencity. We got a new perspective and the only thing that's happened tome is after forty years I've just been crushed a lot of times. I've beenhumiliated a lot of time. I've gone through a lot of handhand CONBAT andI've learned the value of suffering and every time I've suffered and every timeI've been crushed and every time I've lost some mean old, sponsor or some Group ofpeople or some book has always pointed me towards God. Minted mee toward Gy point did me towards gone, and I findmyself at three o'clock in the morning saying God help I find myself at twelveo'clock in the afternoon sang ti Sra I flinb myself, asking God's Hell. Ifind myself turning things over and turning things over and doing steps andturn things over one day: Twenty five years down theroad. Twenty five years Def on the road Iwaked up one morning, thinking about d, because I'm going to church as theyrecommend an alcoholics anonymous. You know they encourage. Did you know theyencurage church membership? That's an interesting thing. The founders ofalcoholics, anonymous in two places say we encourage church membership. Most ofUS belong to religious organization. I wanct to LAS. They didn't have to putthat in there, but the founders of Alcohols Anama said we incourage churchmembership. Most of US belong to...
...religious organizations because we canhelp those people and we can get spiritual health there and you got twoalcoholics. You got one alcohol saying I can't stand the church, I'm spiritual,not religious and you've, got another alcoholc saying I'm going to try thatdeal out because the founders encouraged it one is open minded one has lost all prejudice, even guess,more inice religion, one still has a resentment. I don't care what you callin your language. I live a life of rigorous honesty. I know what aresentent looks like. I know what it means to be, not open minded. I get itokay and over a period of time now I find myself in TA situation at seventy one years of Babe, where mylife is incredible. I'm not saying it's perfect. It's just incredible and it's been very bit made very, veryclear to me. That's incredible, because I stopped turning things over to Godand I started living a turnd overline and I starte focusing on God and thereason why I focus on God and he's become. The centerpiece of my life isbecause everybody I hang out with talks about God in Aa. I talked about God, my spons inthe people I choose to hang out with talk about God, an the church. Theytalk about God. You know, I think about it. I read about Godly stuff, I wastold the man I'll be in the next five years will depend upon the people. I hang outwith the books I read and the books I read depend on whying out with, I hungout with guys that read the Bible and go to Bible study and, and so I'mliving a turned over life, and I don't think I do the steps I'm just livingthem, I'm just living em before I use so Idid it Thoe Thurdsday. Oh, that was a FORC step. I content it. Oh, I think Imade a Manster O that was like the twelve stef and all I know is it's justthe way I live. My Life doesn't say you have to develop a manner of livingwhich demands wor is honesty. What happens when you develop a matter ofhow long does it take to Developen a matter of living which demands rerishonesty? That becomes second nature? How long does it take for an alcoholDevelpe Note Ofblivon, where you're not envying other people where you're notcoveting what they have well you're, not the same things like ill hold them.How long does it take a little matter of living where your stop hating peoplewherl? You stop getting pissed all the time o get upset about everything thathappens. You know what I could tell aboutsomebody's soriety. You know what I tell hem about somebody, surprise bout.What makes them whatwh what pisses them all? What does it take to get thim crazy?You know when my sponsors, the people I hang outwith talk, say things like that person is sober they're, not talking about drinking, and why do I see guys that I talk toHar Ri sponsor now that have twenty five and thirty and thirty five yearsthat hit that glass ceiling in a Eg like the marbl commercial, the old one,smoking worm enjoyn it less that they're thirty years sober and they'renot happy with their sobriety? What are they missing? You know, you know,there's a line andbision for you. It says this. It says once in a while a drinker, a former drinket says dry atthe moment dry at the moment. Try at the moment sai feel better, look better,Havin a better time. We laugh we smale at such salad. We know whol trod theold game again because he's not happy with his sobriety soon hell nowloneliness as huge, you do will be at...
...the jumping off place. You know whathappens when you have a situation where you're twenty five years, sober andyou're doing every or like I was nine or ten years, Oe and you're doingeverything they tell you doing a you logo, backwit chairman two years on theRoad Ju, sponsoring tons of people you're doing step meetings you going totwo three stepping today you're doing whatever you have to do you you'redoing the a thing you love Aa and you get to a point that somehow some way.Even though you're doing everything it's you know, there's something woreyou just can't get to it. You know hat tit's like it's like inthe bill dot and gon't. Like Bi Docton said an Olcoholsonim was number three.I knew there was something more something. A person ought to havesomething: a a release, a release, some sort of release, a happiness ofsomething a person want to have, and I was trying to find the answer, and Iwas with Bi Wilson. One day in my house, we were eating lunch and he turned tomy wife and said Henrietta. The Lord has been so wonderful to me, assuringme of this terrible disease that I have to keep talking about it and tellingother people- and I realized- and that was hispurpose in life- is entire purpose, and this was about like me. We Work ofmoney, stock market and everything a D and bill docson said he says that wasthe golden text. For me, that's what changed my life Bill Wilson was wasvery very grateful for what for everything God had given to him and hegave all credit to God and he was so excited. He was compelled to tell otherpeople about it. Sort of like the way, I'm from Hell to tell you about it, andnot only that not scared to do it. It wasn't apologetic about Soi want toread you something from Alcoholi Anii. You know you ever see that thing rarelyhave we seen a person felt was thoroughly followed, our that that waswritten. I one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine in one thousand, nine hundred andthirty five Aa was started and it went on for four years and thenone thousand nine hundred and thirty nine. They wrote a book and they sayreally have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed Howor Path. Youdo what we did you'll get, what we got and by the way you know what else theysaid. They said. Half measures O value, nothing. They said there is no middle of theroad solution, God couldn't woal. If you was slot,they said, God has all power. There is one who has all pare a en say theseventeen said, there's one that Osall power. You know what else they said.They said things like in the big book. They said things like th. Once you Wasincerely. He says you must get rid of the sulfishness. You must or kills youGod makes that awsible. When did God become a dirty word,alcohol in the fellowship, when did people start be feeling having a chillabout talking about God to say worried about what the group would think abouthim when people sit in a room and apologizefor talking about od? No, I don't know my big book says itsays once you make that decision, for God, all sots of remarkable thingshappen being all powerful who give us everything we need if we stay close tohim and Erformas work well as work as te a maximum service to other people.My Book says: Sedo, you relationship with him is right and great events willcome to pass for you, Ancount es others. So when you're thinking about in NeThousand Nine hundred and thirty nine, so you may be saying to yourself whatdoes it mean to go to Anylin Ist noon anyway? It says: That's what Thi Talk.If you do, what does it mean to do the...
...thing thoroughly? I think it may havesomething to do with our choices. So, let's talk about when they wrote thatBo one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine, when they sai really obviously ina person fal who was thoroughly followed up there just in case thereare people here, shst in case there are people beter that are doing aa like crazy and they think they're doingaa and they're doing everything in Thea. Maybe they have ten years or fifteenyears and they're doing a but somehow someway they feel like there'ssomething listen theah, maybe I know there maybe somewhat people like thathere, because I was like that that nine years or eight years or nine or ten oreleven years I was doing Aa, I was sober. I was carrying the message osponsor people, and there was something missing and I didn't know what. So letme talk about next, every time you hear the word rarely have we seen a personfelt less thoroughly falld up. Ah, let me talk. Let me talk to you for asecond. You might want to get this book Doctor Bottom Tho, good old timers, soyou can see what their path was. So you can actually see what they were doing,because you mad things that they were doing what we do, that you understandsaying you might think that they're doing what we're do some readthis. Thisis page hundre n one, Dr Bob, the good old timers conferenceapproved mematerial. On the other hand, we were taking themupstairs and getting them on their knees to surrender, which I felt wasvery important. The surrender was more than important.It was a must. The surrender was more than important. It was a must bobby who came int to a in Februare.One thousand. Nine hundred and thirty seven recalled that, after four or fivedays in the hospital, when you had indicated that you were serious, theytold you to get down on your knees by the hospital bed and say and say a prayer to Godadmitting you were palace over alcohol and your life was unmanageable. Furthermore, you had to state that youbelieve ind a Higha power who return you to Saturday there. You can see the beginning of thetwelve steps. We said. We called that the surrender they demand did it. You could not go to a meeting until you did it. You could not go to a meeting that wasthe initiation you couldn't go to me. They didn't believe you wer seriousuntil you did it. If by accient you didn make it in the hospital you had tomake it in the upstairs spedroom ov the Williamson Sounds Darkysmwe callonethousand, nine hundred and thirty seven meetings when the men would alldisipear upspairs and all US women would be nervous and worried about whatwas going on after atbaut an hour or so down would come. The new may shakingwhite, serious grim and all the people who are already in AA would cometrooping down after Hem they were pretty reluctant to talk about whathappened, but after a while they would tell us they had a real surrender that was AA in one thousand ninehundred and thirty. Seven. Let me go on. Let's talk about BobSmith, about Bobdy Smit, so there's a guy named Clarence, the broom master. Let Me Se, I can find this part. This is Clara, so Bob Smith. This ishow boss Smith twelve step people. You know Dr Bob, their betos Tgat, O vially,a Docor Bob is my sponsor. There's ow Dr Mom, twelve STEPPD Clars, the Brut Blue Roup, the broommass wo Starte. The first group in...
Achmin Ad Roven, says now doc Smithcame in later and took over. He sat on the edge of my bed. This is pagehundred and forty three. If you want to check on it, se Itheron telling you thetruth, docks left Cam int later and to gover. He sat on the edge of my bed andsaid. Well what do you think of all this? Then he paused and looked at medoubtfully. I don't know whether you're ready yet you're kind of young. I was down to ahundred an thirty five pounds: No job, no clothes, no money. I didn't know howmuch more radio could be wecalled plarems. Still I had to convince them.I was ready. You get that we get the difference. Still I had to convincethem. I was ready. You had the difference. Still I had to convincethem. I was ready. Not US begging them not to lead, not US begging them tojoin Aa. You know, yphases were low bottom trunks. These were low bon. You know why itsays the book, Why all this insistents on any bottom because nobody's going toreally do this thing nobody's going to do this thing the way it's supposed tobe done unless they think their life depends upon, and so he said still I had to convincethem. I was ready. Then he asked then he asked then Bob asked first questionBob asked Youv hearin. Anybody in am room, say well fare talk to me aboutGod, how man, Woave Huard people saying an room if they hadmentioned God wheri.Can that I would have left Yver here sansomething like that. Howabout this tha then Bob asked. Do you believe in God, doN'tsoyodi Bring YourShit. You ever hear anybody you ever hearanybody said: Don't talk about O ot, an newke you'l chase, somebody thisis,what Bob Smith said. He said, O you believe in God Young Fella. He alwayscalled the young girl that he called me clamrince when o called me Clarence andyou, alas, in trouble and Clarence, says what does that have to do for Thetandbosmith says everything everything I guess I do guess not that you ou dowhere you don't. Yes, I do that's fine. Dr Bob replied now we're getting someplace all right get out of bed and on your knees, we're going to pray. Idon't know how to pray. I guess you don't that's all right, just followwhat I say and that will do for now. I did what I was ordered to do. I didwhat I was ordered to do competed again. I did what I was ordered to do. Claensaid there were no suggestions. Dr Bob was always positive about hisfaith. Clar instead of someone asked Hem a question about the program. Hisusual response was: What does it say, inty good book suppose he was asked.What's all the frest thing? First, DCR BA would be ready with the appropriatequotation seeking first o Ting of God and his righteousness and all things tobe edit. Ontoo, Hey, listen! I'm just saying: You're intall Dron Apio, youjust ontel Dron fact that was Aa fr one thousandnine hundred and tirty five t nand nine tunded. Thirty seven when they said really ive' seen perfect, fillsthrorly fall ot that that's what they were doing. Okay now do I want tochange a absolutely not I don't have to change AA. I understand people comingin high bottoms, I'vrsaid Peop, coming from treatment, seters, that's okay! Imean I understand that people come in and they're not necessariy, and theydon't want to believe in God and they were bleaving the stuff and they're notready to figt. I get that. I understand that doesn't doesn't concern me. Thebottom line is I. I understand that that a has instead of us, trying toprove that we should be in AA or prove to then e Roka. I unerstand that wedon't have to do. We don't have to do th, the second step in the third stepto go to Eur First Mane. I understand that. I understand the PHILOSI Dayaoverthe last en years. H was now...
...changed and they don't care. We don'tcare. I understand that as basicpalophe. IsYou do your thing? I'll do my thing. You know you want to be an ats you canbe here. You want to be Innot, you be anegnostic, it's the same. God is inthat portand. You know what I mean. If there is te good God, it's Lothing tetsall about in the big book. You'll figure it out. I understand they. Letyou rock and roll around Aa for fifteen twenty three years slip and slide andgo all over the place until you naybe figure, something out or maybe you'R,ten or fifteen years. You start reading this book and say maybe that's theproblem. Maybe these guys are actually serious about this stuff. Maybe I'm notdoing this as therohly as I think I have hay. I understand that that that'sthe deal that we can rationalize, I'm a rationalizer. I tell myself rationallize. I understand that we don't order anybody to do anything. NLES's, maybeyou're their sponsor, and then I understand that they were listlyfollowing your direction anyway, you know be Ginto. Saye has become a wholedifferent atom, but I don't think thatd. I made me wrong about this, and this ismy theory. Even though we have changed and the fellowship was changed, I'm notsure the diseases changed. I'm just not sure that the diseasebrought into our new agreement. I think they found an answer. I thinkthey had found the way out. I think they found ha waiter NOMNANL, get soberand not drink, but also be rocket in the fourth dimension of existence. Iknow you can come aday you', not O, do any of this stuff. You nove Beievin God,and I don't come in Aa you could you can stay sober physically for thirtyfive, forty years, never relatively okay like and you know, and you know, Osuffer from a little loneliness or you know depression or whatever it is. Itis. I understand that some people are permently satisfied, wit, just notdrinking going and meetings and O on e fellowship. I know I know what the sixstet means when it says when it says the difference between the men and theboys ar the men are the ones who are trying to come to a point. They removeanything between them and God and grow ing the image and likeness of God andthe boys are the ones that set they settle. This is good enough. I'mnot drinping Lome alone. I understand what the differences between the manand the voice I get that now. I understand that and I also understandthat it's like it's pretty much like up like a a formula. You do certain thingsthe way you doit you get certain results. Your substituteing, I meanlisten. Instead of eggsuse an beaters instead of cream used milk. You know Iunderstand when you Subti, you may still get a chocolate cake. It's justnot going to check taste like the other chocolate ca. I understand that you. Iunderstand what really I was see. PERFE VILL is thoroughly fought. Ofir. Iunderstand the alcoholi personality, where the chief cactorist is diviantthat the first thing anybody wants to hear or say to me is well what the HellDo. You know why Shald I liste to you, you don't know Wa thing, I'm going doith. I understand why I unespend about the alcohol personality, and you knowit sort of like pissing into the wind when to talk about this stuff, buthere's the good I, the good part, all I'm doing is stopping about my life andwhat I found I'm fulfilling my responsibility and reading to readingto you what it says in this fook and what it says: Fo the big book, an aOutos andims. Here's the great deal I I have fulfilled my responsibility. I fulfilled my purpose. My purposes hascarried e message the way I see it in my life in this book and what theystraightforward say in this book. You know to whoever I'm talking to...
...that's my purpose and that's a prurvisethat just me I can run a law office that doesn't mean I can raise four kidsand you know twelve and seven grand kids or I can't you know BBE involved Tacon in my church and I'm involved ina lot of different things. But my primary purpose is to help other alcoholics and do whatthey'll listen to you know. The Lord has been so month, fo Ma Fer on me,this double seet. I got to talk about and tell other people what do you alldo with it? You know what we all do with. It is up to you. You know, but Idon't think you can honestly say ten or fifteen years down the road. If youcan't stop drinking or if you're thirty years, sober, you're happy, I don'tthink you'd ever say to somebody if you don't have if you haven't been seekingit and aligning mook as not alive with any sect teominational religion. But inmy opinion, if you're in here at some point in time you better get your assaline, you better, you don't want to be aloose panning. You know you don't want to be one of these guys flowing aroundnot having an idea who, God is what Heis or whathe wants you to do. Youknow what I'm I may be wrong about this, but at least here's some point. Atleast I would walk away from this deal saying I did what you wanted me to do. I did what Bill Wilson, man, Med, youknow, and I don't have to worry- I'm not worried about. You know what Andreathings or Mike for the Bronx things or jmyol Bryan things or Anng. Like that,I don't think they're, saying hat I piss on Poblo, you know, does Vinni not like me anymore. I haveto do that. You know that's the old way. F. I don't want that life anythere!That's the old life trying to compromise who you art and what you areand Change Yourself Ino something else or drink yourself into something else,so that people will love you because you're in such need of other people'slove and all that sort of stuff, that's a losing deal, that's a losing bondage.You know what I what I I'm concerned about is I'm doing wat. thelord wantsme, that's so the bottom Whi is that's all I have to say about or whatever ithas to do with. I think it may have to do t the third stuff, I'm a thinking,it's possible. At least you can't say. Well, nobody ever told me this twentyyears Ou. Oh, I never heard about this. I wish I had been told. I wish somebodyhad told me about this. Okay, so thank you very much.
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