AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 2 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 2 from the Coral Room Zoom January 8, 2021 

The meeting everybody. My Name's Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. Has Everybody doing today? Great having to be here with you wonderful people. It's a real pleasure for me to do this. You know, they say a is like a giant to the door. So I don't know whether I'll be a wrench tonight, but I'm just going to honestly, as as honestly as I can, try to share my experience, strength and hopefully check with you. I put a couple things in chat. I just read posted them because I know that if you come and wait you may not see see them, and so you might want to take a second to sort of read them over and I'm going to talk a little bit about them and I'm going to talk a little bit about how open mindedness, open mindedness is now, what it's about, being open minded, open to new ideas, what it's about. So you might want to take a look at these things. These are the reason why you want to take a look at these things is because the things that I posted are some of the things that the founders were reading before they wrote the book in One thousand nine hundred and thirty nine, the book alcohol silence was published and in the big book, and I A hundred thirty nine. They said rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly. Now, listen, just do yourself a favor, just for laughs and Giggles, pay attention to the words they used. You know, I'm an alcoholic and lessen and less until an alcoholic exceptions. Alcohols and also consequences, is sobrietally per carry. Some of true happiness will fund at all. One of the consequences of being an alcohol I found in my life, and what I realized is even though, as an alcoholic, I think I'm unique and I like to tell people, they don't understand my situation is different. One of the reasons alcoholics anonymous holds together as we're not unique. We're all basically the same, with the same time of alcoholic personality. Short, fat, man, woman, black, white, don't matter. The reason the meetings work is because, steep down inside, when people go to the meetings, they build certain like a certain type of trust and faith in the group, because everybody lost for within we're also so I want to I want to jest you that you when they when they you. One of the consequences I had as an alcoholic is when every and ever anybody says anything to me or tells me anything or suggests anything to me, or I read anything that I don't like for whatever reason, that I have a prejudice against. You know, the big book, I think they have a thing that says we lose, lose all prejudice. They don't say we lose some prejudice or a little prejudice. It says we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. Did you know that? That's what it says the Big Book? Well, don't believe that. You know, just go with the fellowship with alcoholics anonymous. You know, the fellowship. We're not exactly well, people's anonymous orry. You know, let's go do we go with the fellowship? You're going to you know, the fellowship is one. I love. The Fellowship. The what? The fellowship is the one buffer between sensitive and touchy alcoholics and the Big Book of alcoholics anonymous, which is actually going to tell you the truth. I mean, the fellowship is the one that says, isn't that the one that says I don't worry about the God thing. That's a fellowship, right, says the big book says, you need to think about the God thing. You know I mean. But then they've been write a chapter dignostic saying this sort of thinking has to be abandoned. But the fellowship says don't worry about the God thing. The fellowship is the buffer. So alcoholics don't get upset because alcoholics, apparently, if you're like me, alcoholics are upsetable, they're touching. And so one of the consequences when my first wife said to me when you come if you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you to words. And I'M A guy who I'm not a stupid guy. Graduated part of alarms in mathematics, so was don't my PhD and Algebraic topology. I became a lawyer, became a division chief of the States Attorney's office, a law professor. I don't think I'm stupid, but when my wife said, if you come home drunk one more time, I am leaving you, what I said to myself was what the hell did she mean by that? It was very confusing to me. So one of the consequences of being an alcohol is that when you're told something or you read something that you don't like, it ...

...confuses you sometimes it even pisses you off because and there's the other thing. There's that chief characteristic of alcoholics, and I know you all know what the chief characteristic is alcoholics, and that is defiance. Defiance. So we're not exactly humble. We're pretty much defiant. We don't like being told what to do. And the fact of the matter is is that when we're told something we don't like and and if we are, you know, pretty much insane, which we are when we get here. You know, the bottom line is if, if we're told something you don't like by somebody who's got this thing, we pretty much want to dismiss it or tell them mind their own business or things, or say things like you don't understand, or I'm different or stuff like that. So in one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine big the big book was written by the first a hundred alcoholics, mostly by Bill Wilson a few other guys, and in the big book they say, and you correct me if I'm wrong, by the way, this is the basic text. This is what we're all supposed to agree on. So if you disagree with this, you can disagree with me. You don't have to listen to me. You know, I mean, I know the deal. I'm just going to share with you my experience that as I've the experience I've had over the last forty years and watching people do this thing and not do it in my own sobriety and people fail and all that sort of stuff there's all about. It's all going to be experiential stuff, but the bottom line is is that they said rarely haven't seen a person fail who has thoroughly, thoroughly, they do not word thoroughly, followed our path. So I you know, I looked up the word thoroughly. It means that. It means pretty much thoroughly it means. It means you do what we did, you'll get what we got. You do what we did, you'll get what we got. And if you read Dr Bottom the good old timers, which tells you what they did the first four years, because he was started in one thousand nine hundred and thirty five. The Big Book was written in one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine. I've done the math on this, trust me. That's four years that they were staying sober and they got rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence, which they couldn't even believe and they they had joy come into their lives. And what they said they did is they said the books that they found absolutely essential. You can look up the word essential to tell you what it means. It means essential, and absolutely essential means unbelievably freaking essential. You understand, it means like whatever higher than essential means. That's what absolute they said. The books we've done absolutely essential was first corinthians thirteen, sermon on the Mount, which is Matthew Five, six and seven, and the book of James. And that's the deal. I'm just going listen. You know, you can have your opinions, but you can't have your own facts. I'm just telling you the first meeting of alcoholics anonymous, according to constant prove material, was Dr Bob Putting his foot on a dining room chair, one of the rungs and reading servant on the Mount, Matthew Five, six and seven. So that's just the bottom line. I mean, I guess if you're going to thoroughly follow their path, which I decided somewhere along the rout maybe about ten or fifteen years that I was going to do because I wanted more. But in any event, so we're talking about being an open mind, and I know you guys are all interested in the steps. That's why you're here, and you're all interested in being open minded and in all that sort of stuff. So it says, right after that, it says those who do not recover are people. By the way, you want to know who doesn't? WHO WON'T RECOVER? Would you like to know who's not going to recover? Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely completely, there's another word completely, give themselves to this simple program as the word simple again, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. By the way, there is a manner of living which demands rigorous dishonesty, and I live that manner of living now for a thirty one years before I came down box anonymous. So I am...

...well acquainted with the manner of living which demands rigorous dishonesty. And let me tell you that that matter of living, when you live a manner of living that demand's dishonesty, you hate everything that moves, you only think about yourself all the time. You have a lot of anger, you have a lot of Selfpity, you have a lot of fear and you and you almost naturally compulsively blame other people for your problems. You live to blame and resent other people, especially when things don't go your way. And, by the way, I'm the kind of guy, because I'm an alcohol when I live that manner of living, which demands rigorous dishonesty. And, by the way, I don't have to go to meetings or even have a sponsor to live that manner of living that demands dishonesty. I am like a PhD in that type of living. I do that. I do that automatically. As a matter of fact, I feel more comfortable blaming other people, hating myself, resenting and hating other people and being angry, upset and fearful. As a matter of fact, if you for some reason feel that it's necessary to get in my life and try to talk me out of feeling that way, I'm going to tell you to go to hell, to my drone business, and I'm also going to explain to you that you don't understand. By the way, if you happen to live that manner of living, or if any of you have lived that manner of living, and you're an alcoholic like me, you're going to drink, you're going to trust, you're going to drink, you know what I mean, or use one, or you're going to drink, because that is not a really great way of living on this planet. So I got a horrible way of living that comes natural to me. And here's another deal. I don't know of any other way of doing life except by hating people and hating myself and being angry and resentful, blaming. I don't know. I don't even knowing that, as a matter of fact. As a matter of fact, my Bait, my favorite line is will sure you don't know what it's like. If it happened to you, you'd feel the same way, because I believe there's only one way the deal with people, and that is hate them, resent resent them and get back in them and don't trust them and all that sort of stuff. You know, that's just the way I am. That's the kind of thing that I have. So that's my deal. So I come into this situation where so you got these alcoholics and they come into a a and they say, really, I was seen a prince of fellow has thoroughly followed our path and their path was not reading the Big Book. Now, I'm not putting down the big book. I'm a big book Afficianado, believe me. I remember I the Big Book. I love the big book. But the truth matter is what I know. I understand what the Path was and one of the things is to be open minded and along the road. I understand that they weren't reading the Big Book. They were reading the Bible after they're reading. You don't have to like that and you don't have to, you know, become a Christian, Adju and Muslim. You don't have to go wild and all that. I'm just telling you. That's what it was and the bottom line is is that I posted a couple things in here about now. One of the things that happened is when I grew up one I was terrible exports, but I'll tell you one of the things I was good at is academics. I was good at the school shit, let me tell you. And you see those diplomas back there. I got a whole other work. I got a hole on the wall with diplomas. You know, I told my first sponsor when I came DAA. You guys heard the story. So you got to have. I had one month sobriety and he was sitting up by my desk and I said Bob, and he was a used car salesman. He never even graduated, really the sixth grade, I think, or something like that. And I said, Bob, these are my degrees, and he said to me, well, you know, Ross Recteal, themometers have degrees and you know what they do with those. So apparently, for some strange reason, old timers in alcoholics, anonymous, who are happy, Joyce and free, are not impressed by diplomas. I don't know. They're not impressed by how smart you are, as you're flushing your life and everybody else's life down the drain. They're not impressed by that stuff at all. You know, I thought I was always impressed by smart people. I was always impressed on my intelligence.

As a matter of fact, the one thing I had, so I had in my life that I could trust it was something called intellectual pride. I always knew that I was the smartest guy in the room. And one thing I absolutely knew, which, quite frankly, I think every alcoholic knows. Every alcoholic knows this, is nobody knows me better than me. Nobody understands me better than me. I don't trust any listen, I weigh everything. Everything you tell me, I have to think about it and figure out whether I should do it and why should I do it. I mean, let me tell you some there's an incredible computer going on there. And so, no matter what, I want to know the answer. Why and why do I have to do? I've got so many questions. I have questions within questions within questions. And you want to something, I love to argue and get mad. I loved it's just that's just what happens when you live a life a vigorous dishonesty. That's just the way I am. I think I'm smarter than anybody else. I'm think I'm wiser than anybody else. That's the deal. Okay, so when I was twenty one or twenty two, I met this woman and and not only that, I thought I was a good guy. I thought I was basically a good guy. My Grandmother told me, said, Russell, you're basically a good guy. You're basically I'm still not sure that you've basically with guys. It's basically. So I met this girl and I said to myself, as I often said, to myself, if only I can have that woman in my life, everything would be wonderful. And I made a full court press to get that woman into my life. And I let me tell you something. I went so far her. I was going for my PhD in Algebraic topology. Her mother was a lawyer and her father was a doctor and her grandfather was a lawyer and I knew that they liked professional people. I changed my my focus from becoming a professor of mathematics to become a lawyer. Now somebody asked me, why do you become a lawyer? You know, I would tell him why. I like Perry Mason. We've some sort of bullshit that I believe. I believe a lot of my bullshit, but the truth is I became a lawyer because I wanted to get do a Galla's dance and I wanted to I wanted to marry this Gal and I thought that would be impressed, that would impress our family. I'm I may say to you I don't give a crop what other people think about me. I may say that to you, but I want you to trust me. My entire life up until that moment and even beyond that, is being concerned with what you think about me. I am absolutely sure that one of the reasons I became a lawyer and I chose my profession is not only because I wanted the mother to like me and the father to like me and the grandfather like me. I want you to like I want you to look up to me. I'm a lawyer or something like that. It all has to do with feeding that that ego, you know, and that's the deal. And I became a lawyer. Now I had a beautiful wife, we had a beautiful house, we had a son, of gorgeous son. It's not like forty seven years old, wonderful kid with rand babies I have and everything like that. And a year down the road after that, I was a division chief in the states attorney's office and staying out till four o'clock in the morning looking at women on the dance floor with a bunch of homicide cops while my wife was at home with the baby, saying to myself, if I can only have that down, that blond them dance for my life would be great. And I spent three years, four years, drinking from for during the afternoon to thirty in the morning, and then going home to where my wife was looking at the women on Dan for saying my wife, my wife would be great if I could only have that Gal, if I could only date other women. And and one day my wife said to me, as I told you, if you come home drunk more time, I'm leaving you. And I said what the held you mean by that? And of course that night I came home drunk. I went in the bar just that one drink and ended having two or three, and that was the end of my five year marriage. And since we had a child and she loved me and she was a good Gal, she said I think we ought to go to a marriage counselor and I felt guilty because I felt guilty because I was guilty, and I went to the marriage counselor and the marriage...

...counsel asked my wife. He said, what do you want to change about Russell? Tell me three things you would like to change about Russell. I can't remember what she said. I think she must have mentioned drinking, maybe coming home, you know, for dinner or something like that. I got to tell you, I wasn't really paying attention because I had a date that night with one of the gals of the dance for you understand I'm saying. And I and when she said she wanted to divorce, I was ecstatic because now I was finally free, free to do whatever I wanted to do. And I'm sitting there and I'm going crazy because if this thing works, you understand, then I'm back in that in the cage. I'm back in the cage and I can't date other women. So when he turned to me, and he and I said I got to get out of it. When he turned to me, and let me tell you something, I was cold stone sober at the time. I don't know what kind of alcoholism you have. I'm look at you guys. You guys look like Pretty Nice people. You're not. I kind of let me tell you. I don't need alcohol to be an asshole. I don't need alcohol to be irresponsible. Most of the people I've heard in my life, with my mouth and every other way. I did a cold stone sober, as physically so as physically sober as I am right now. I probaze physically sober as I am right now, not spiritually sober, but as physically sober as I am right now. And he said to me, what do you want to do? What would have three things you want to do to change your wife that you'd like to see changed? And I looked at him in front of her and I said I just want to date other women. And that was the end of the session and that was the end of my marriage. Now, many years later, I considered sober how that must have affected my wife to hear that, who had my baby, who was a good girl, and it must have crushed her. You want to know something? I said that like it was nothing like that just rolled off my tongue. So, so much for being smart, so much for being brilliant, so much for having for for for wanting to get a PhD in Algebraic topology. So much for being a division chief in the state's Attorney's office. Just another asshole in a three piece suit who doesn't even know he's an asshole. And if you ask me out why I was getting a divorce, I would tell you I was getting a divorce because we were different people. She didn't understand me, she was trying to get me to stop drinking, she was trying to change me, whatever it is, but the truth is I got a divorced because I was a womanizer. I was dishonest and all I gave a shit about was myself, because I was one selfish son of a bitch and I didn't give a crap about anybody else. So when I when my big book says we're selfish and self centered and we're driven, there's no day. I can't help it. We're driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self pity. All I see is what my sponsor told me. He said, Russell, for you, that means that you don't give a crap about anybody except yourself. No matter what happens in your life, the only thing to think about its house. This affecting me. How do you feel? And you have no empathy or other people want whatsoever. And that's my alcoholism and that's the way I am, drunk or sober, you know. And I drink alcohol because no woman, no car, no matter money, ever works us as well or just as fast as just a few drinks. And you want to know something, I've been. I've been. I've had that think, that dishonest thinking, that delusional thinking, that selfish thinking. Let me tell you something. I didn't develop that in alcoholics anonymous. I didn't come to alcoholics, anonymous and all of a sudden develop alcoholism. I had that way of thinking. That's the way my brain operates, that's the way my hard drive operates before I started drinking. Let me see, I had that thinking going from, I guess, from twelve or thirteen years old, from three years old on. It's just the way I'm build just my personality. My sponsor said when I got sober, why do you say the things you say? Why do you do the things that you do? I said that's just my personality, and he says to me, rust, your personality is killing you. I know how to stop drinking. How do you get rid of your personality? Dr Young, one of the greatest psyychiatrists in the world had enough wisdom to tell...

Roland Hazard, who had gone to his treatment center, and said, after graduating, say now, knowing the inner workings of my mind, being incredibly brilliant about alcoholism, now, knowing the drinking, is impossible. Nevertheless, he was dronken a few a few weeks he went up to the doctor. He said, doctor, what's the answer? I mean, I know everything, I'm smart, I'm intelligent, and the doctor says this, but I don't know how many doctors would even have the ability to say this thing. Now the doctor knew what he didn't know. He said, listen, you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never been able to help somebody with that state of mind exists. And he says, well, what's the answer? He says the answer is God. He said you have to have an incredible psychic change. That's a spiritual thing. And the way he says he doesn't say you have to get rid of your personality, but he basically says that. He says he says there are people that make it. They have some sort of spiritual experience or some sort of experience with God and ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding force of these hey ideas, most attitudes. That's pretty much your personality. Ideas, emotions attitudes, which are the guiding force of these men's lives, are pushed to one side and they become dominated by a whole new set about the ideas, emotions and attitudes and they change. And that's that. I can't tell you how to do it. I can't help you as a psychiatrist. I can't give you drugs. Ain't going to do it. Thords ain't going to do it. My yelling at ain't going to do it. The judge ain't going to do it. I can't tell you how to do it. All I can tell you is there are people that have. That happened, he says, you know, he said it's a phenomena, phenomena that's like a medical term for miracle. We don't understand it. We don't. If we knew how to do it, we'd be doing it. We put people in treatment centers, you know, and for a week or two weeks or twenty eight days or six months they do well and then all of a sudden, three years later, five years later, ten years obviously go back to drinking again. They turn around. We don't know how to do it pervacently, but there are people. There are people that get thirty, forty, fifty years sobriety and their whole life changes. But not only the drinking. The drink is least amount of things that their entire personality changes. They have a personality change where ideas, emotions and attitudes that used to drive them are shoved to one side and replaced by a whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes. I don't know how to do it. And so on December twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, when I'm thirty one years old, what happens is, I'm thirty one years old, I get kicked out of a party on Christmas even no Sabe one and I'm all by myself, and somehow I realized that my life is over. Now I've been telling myself that my life was over for some time. I don't know what kind of alcoholism you have. I have the kind of alcoholism where, one in a while, if I'm not keeping myself busy or often I'm not distracted, this thought comes to me that I'm a piece of shit and I already kill myself. I don't know where it comes from. It just sort of comes to me that I'm a loser and what's the use? I might as well kill my I start talking like the book of Ecclesiastics. You know what I mean, meaningly this, by the way, this is written twenty five hundred years ago by King Solomon, who was the son of King David, who was supposed to be the wisest man on the planet. He's the guy who's out divide the baby stuff, and this is what he says. Meaningless, meaningless, utterly meaningless. Everything is meaningless and you can read that. There's actually something in that that has to do with the second and third step. I want to check it out. Is Written by a pretty intelligent guy who had everything at all, the women at all, the Kintus matter. If you ever read the book of plesiasts, these had everything, richest man in the world at everything, and he wound up. You know he wound up. He wound up like me at three o'clock in the morning saying it's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. I'm bullshit, your bullshit. Life is bullshit. I might as well kill myself, hopeless, you know what I mean. So this disease, this disase we have, has been going on in mankind for a long even prior to nineteen thirty five. Yeah, a long time. And the solution has been around even prior to nineteen thirty five. You know, Billi Wilson, Dr Bob Diddn't discover anything that wasn't already there. They'll be the first...

...one to tell you that if you read their book, especially Dr Bottom, the good old timers. So the bottom line is is that I have this deal where I get crushed and I get down on my hands and knees, and well, not my hands and needs on my knees, and I turn on TV and there's this preacher who tells me if I give my life to Lord, things will change, things will change. Now that's not very scientific. You understand what I'm saying. That's not very mathematically. That's not very there's no Aristia, tilly and logic involved in that, or simple or symbolic logic. That's not very logical. You know what I mean, and I don't remember saying well, I'm spiritual, not religious, at that point because I was suicide. I wanted to die. Here's the deal. I wanted to die, but I didn't want to be there when it actually happens. You know what I mean? I just said I wish I was dead and I knew my life was over, but I didn't know. I wanted to avoid the death thing, I mean just go from there right to the without going through the actual process. And I was so desperate I had a sponsor. You said, Russell, don't ever robin alcohol can his desperations. Don't never robin alcohols his last drink. So I was so desperate that I got on my knees and I said they're sinners prayer and I said I essentially said God, help me, help me, help me. Now I got to say some I'm not a guy who was word up in the Church and the synagogue. I wasn't trade. I mean it's not a big thing for you, but for a Jewish kid from great New York was a major deal. I can say of that. And I am not a guy who's a God died. I'm a guy I wanted what she had and I was wanting to go to any length to get I'm a playboy bunny. Back there then we didn't have you know, whatever that thing is, hooters or anything. I was I was a playbook club member. I was all about the women, the sex, the money, the cars, the job. I worship that life. I worshiped that life, hanging out with the guys, of drinking God, the Word God. Let me tell you something. I'm not even saying I was an atheist. I'm not even saying I was an agnostic. I'll tell you what I was. God had absolutely nothing to do with my life. I would hang out in the alibi loungs talking to my buddies and I remember one time having any type of debate about God. I remember a lot of time saying, look at that blond over there on the table to your left, look at that red head over there, you know, and I remember a lot talking bad crop about other people behind their back. I don't remember talking about the God thing. But somehow, some way, things got so bad for me that I was out of answers. I was not, I got to be honest with you, on December twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, at three o'clock in the morning, I wasn't too smart. I don't think I was at my best. I think I had like two neurons working and they were waving good bye to each other and I was at answers. I had no answers, and so I was just lucky that some preacher came on and said get on and I did it. I didn't argue about it, I didn't say, what does that have to do with it, I just did it. Now I'd like to say to you that three rabbis and a priest came by and said with some donuts and said Hey, we got an a meeting going here. That's not what happened. What happened I continue to drink for a month and exactly one month later I came into a a. One month later I had in my last drink and a few days after that I picked up a white ship in alcoholics awmous never to have a drink again. So I don't know the answer, but it had nothing to do with smarts, I can tell you that. And somewhere along the line, when you're pushed down so low as long as I am, I was when I came to a a and you're willing and you see somebody who you who has what you want, and you're willing to do go to any lengths to get it, you don't even know what any lengths is. Somehow, some way, I linked up with certain people, a sponsor and other people that I followed them around like a puppy dog. And so these people were all going to meetings and doing the steps and talking about the God thing and doing all the stuff we do when we first come in, all the stuff I didn't understand. And one of the steps and after the and I pretty much knew I was powerless over alcohol and I knew my life was unmanageable. It was clear to me. I didn't have to have somebody tell me. I went to the meetings, I heard other people talk, but I knew that it was over for me. I was at the...

...point of desperation and then I you know, you get the sect. I believe every step, if you do it, point you to the next step, you know, and the only that hold you back is your own your old ideas in your own alcoholism. And, of course, what the second step says is and the interesting thing is I got to tell you something. I certainly could have given this talk forty years ago, but over a period of time, as you look back, I started realizing certain things, and one I ever things I realized is that the second step says came to leave, that a power greater than yourself will restore you to sanity. And I now understand, with my brilliant euclidian mind, that if you are going to be restored to sanity, now get this. This is like this is like postgraduate advance, a STA if a higher power is going to restore you to sanity, what that means is you are insane. You see, if you're already and if you're already sane. You don't have to be restored to sanity. You are insane. Call Manager said IETEEN, thirty five alcoholics, of men and women, were out to destroy themselves. You know, some sort of feeling eat deep down inside, that you're unworthy to even be alive, some sort of feeling inside that somehow you got to cover up something, or you're not as good as or comparing you're inside with other peoples outside, or somehow doing something, having something, getting something, so you can prove you're okay, so you can spend money you don't have, buying crap. You don't need to impress people you don't like, so you can somehow carry it off, so you'll they'll accept you, they'll love you, because if you're an alcohol or please love me. A Halic, please talk good about me. A holic. Don't ever talk bad behind my baccoholic. Why does he hate me? A Halic, you got so many folic things going on in your mind you got no chance of happiness and you got to work real, real hard not to go insane and blow your brains out. That's the well, that's kind of nosing. That's the kind of alcoholism I and let me tell you something has nothing to do with drinking. The only thing drinking did for me. Drinking was the solution to my problem. Now here's the here's the crazy easy deal. The problem was I was insane before I started drinking. I was thinking this way while I was drinking and I was thinking this way for years after I stopped drinking. And a hey, you know what I mean. You know, here's the problem. The drinking, apparently according to the big book, is not the problem. It's the it's a symptom of Hey, it's a hell of a sympom. It's a hell of a symbol. It's the symptom. The Real STOMP problem centers in my mind, not my body. I know there's the chemical thing, and I know this. The crame in and allsort stuff. But beyond the craving, I'm insane in a bad way. And it says unlessen until an alcoholic sets his alcoholsm and all its consequences, sobriety be precarious. I have precarious. I don't have rocket in the fourth dimension of Sobriety. I don't have experiencing much of heaven sobriety. I don't have joy of living sobriety. I have sobriety where I'm hanging on and I'm trying to stay sober one blessed day at a time and settling for that. That's what the success says. We settle from mere sobriety. But why not? That's what a clause don't drink and go to meetings. Put the plug of the drug. Don't drink, even if you ask, falls off. You know, you got a birthday, part of what you can rate fifteen nuns in a chicken. You know what I mean? You got five years sobriety. They'll quage and they'll give you am a day. You know, it's all about the not drinking. It's all about the not drinking. It's it. It's not about the not thinking. It's not about the joy of living. You know, it's not about that stuff, is it? So the bottom line is that I come to alcoholics anonymous and now I'm not drinking and now I'm learning with my little spiritual flashlight. Because of why? Because of the repeated humiliations and the crushing of my self sufficiency, because of the humiliations life throws me on a daily basis, because I'm still crazy and I still don't want to give it up. All ideas. And, by the way, the result is nil unless you get up to get unless you let go absolutely. By the way, there is no middle of the road solution. By the way, a mere code of morals have been a velocity of life. Do the next right thing. You wanted something that won't save you. By the way, that's why they did talk about God, because we had to find a power. We didn't have a power to change our mental mind and have a new hard drive in order to experience joy, and pure joy in our lives. By the way, that's why they said God couldn't would if he was sought, by the way,...

...that you can't manage a way out of this. You can't find a human being that's going to change it. You may listen to somebody, but it's some sort of thing that God has changed. That's why they said, by the way, God either is or he is and what should what's your decision going to be? That's why they said, by the way, we're on the new basis of trust in real life behind on God. That's why they say it. If you're an alcoholics, anonymous, never apologize for believing in God. All men are faith that courage. They trust their God. We start trusting in God, fear guests relieved, he said. You know, that's why he said that. Now that's not necessarily in the fellowship. Every time you mentioned God, you feel you have to apologize because you got a lot of people that are scared that if they listen to you too much about God, they may have factually rely on them because they wanted. Because it's not coholics anonymous. There's millions of millions of alcoholics, all of which don't want to really do this thing. They want to try to do it their way so they can void the thoroughly part and everything. I get that deal. But the bottom line is, why is it that I get calls from people with thirty years sobriety, thirty years sobriety, thirty years sober, and they ask me questions like how do I get this God thing? I'm not happy. How can I get calls from guys with twenty five years sobriety saying you sponsor me, you know, how do you know that about God and how do you believe it? How do I come? I get called? You know, here's the amazing part. What they described in s is you can come and to alcoholics anonymous and do the boy thing. You know the boy thing. You know the the sixth step, but says it's the sixth step. Is is about getting to the point in your life where you're really ready to have God remove all defects, anything standing between you and him, so you can grip grow in the image and likeness of your Creator, where you want to be rocked in the fourth dimension existence. which part of the big book means that the great fact is this enough that you must make the Lord the central fact of your life, that you have to somehow be convinced that he lives in your heart and mind and a way which is de miract us. By the way, if you don't like me, if you got upset about what I'm saying, listen, you're not really upset with me. You just upset with the big book about you're upset with alcoholics anonymous. It's just upset with the big book, because everything I'm talking I'm a I'm a product of the big book of alcoholics anonymous. After forty years. Unfortunately, you take forty years to work in the big book and instead of believing your own bullshit, reading the Big Book and believing everything you say the big book exactly the way they say, that somehow it's true and you got to strive for it. I'm a product of what happens to you. If you do that, you know, I don't apologize for it. You know what I'm talking about. If you don't want what I have, that's fun. You're have to have it, you know. And and the Boma Sol. So that's the deal. That's a and so I have men who have been and they discovered in S. and you can come to a a and you can get a job back and you can get a wipe back and you get kids back and you can and you can go to a few meetings and you can work some steps and, you know, to the best of your ability, or maybe not the best your ability, and then you can sort of coast and you can actually say so for ten or twenty or thirty years you had never experienced much of heaven. You can stay so for thirty years. You're not believing God. You can believe in like business or money or your life for your girl or whatever it is, and and put your faith in that deal. And then what happens? Still have to figure out what you're going to do if one of those things go down the tubes, you know, if the wife gets cancer, you get cancer, the job goes under, the restaurant gets closed, whatever it is that's floating your vote, that's allowing you to live your life by settling, like they say in the you know, but apparently accord a big book, there are people, there are apparently there are steps and things that people do. That's that have a great separation, they say. It separates, the way they put its, it separates the men from the boys. It separates the people that are just have just joined the not drinking club from the people who are being rocket in the fourth dimension of existence. And it has something to do, who, with losing prejudice and actually trying to learn about what this God thing is without putting any preconditions on it. Well, I mean, I see people all the time. They're same things, like what they talked about God. When I can, then, you know, I would have walked out of the door. Well, you know, we don't know what that's true or not. And I got news for you. Okay, they talked about God when I walked in, and you want to some I was going anywhere, because I have no place to go. You know, I because I didn't want to drink anymore. And you everything about what happens to people that walk out the door. Where they're going. Where they going? They're going back to drinking gay and eventually they'll leather dialog come back in with a new attitude. And,...

...as you know, between nineteen thirty five nineteen thirty nine, if you read doc about the gold timers, you could not get into alcoholics anonymous. You could not get into the room unless you did the surrender. Some of you guys don't know that. Repage one hundred and one and Dr Bot good old timers. They take you upstairs and you'd have to get down on your knees, like I did that night of the some twenty five, and you'd have to give your life to God in front of men and women, I least in it alone, and then they would allow you into the meeting. You know why? Because they wanted you to know exactly what you were getting into. Exactly what you were getting into. They didn't want to have any doubts about what this thing was all about. It was none of this. Don't worry about the God thing. You know there's one, not one of these things like, well, don't worry about that, deal it. You knew it. By the time you went to your first meeting you had already done one, two and three, and so you can only imagine what those means. You know what those means were like. They were sort of like the zoom means I go to now. That's why I love zoom so much. The meetings I go to, I don't know. I'm not saying these are all the zoom any ones. I go go to our populated by people who are believers in God unapologetically. You want to know what I hear? It zoom means I go to. This is what I hear. I can't believe my found and these are from people who have ten, twenty, thirty years sobriety and three months of right. They say. I can't believe this. I can't talk about this stuff at my a a, I can't talk about this stuff in a a, I can't even I can't even find people that will talk to me about this stuff. And alcoholics anonymous. And I come to zoom and it's all over the place. I come to zoom and it's all over zooming. This is you see, you know what these means are like. These are like the meanings that they had during the first five years of alcohol zoom meetings are like the meetings they had during the first five years of alcoholics. And and I see people who have never been to alive me. They came in like nine months ago in Zoom and you know right now they got nine months, ten months, whatever it is. And when you hear him talk, they talk like they have five years, because all they do is hey, listen to old timers and listen about God thing. They don't have been problems with it. They talk like they have five years and they're being rocking in the fourth dimension existence. And and when they say they want to have what they have, I mean sobriety is and physical. Sobriety is important, but you want to something. They so much want to get closer to God, find out more so they can be rocking in the fourth dimension existence, but which they cannot even they have not even dreamed. I mean, I'm just telling you what I see. I don't know what means you go to. That's what I see, and so it's and so apparently, and I'm just going to end it because we've gone through the hour apparently, I think so. When when do we start? Thirty years, Sixtey? Okay. So apparently one of the reasons that one of the things they say in the big book. Why all this insistence on hitting bottom? Because nobody's going to know alcoholic is going to do what we suggest they do unless they believe their life depends upon it. And I guess one of the benefit I get. I can't say I was intelligent. I did it because I was smart. You want to something. If I was wise, what did? I love this part where where King Solomon says this. He says this is the way kind of ends at this way, he says. He says when I applied myself to understanding, wisdom and also madness and folly. But I learned that this too is chasing of the wind, for with much wisdom comes much sorrow. The more knowledge, the more grief. Man, I'll tell you something, God, God, saved me from trying to convince an alcoholic who thinks he's smart. God saved me. I mean I spend eight years on real life with alcoholics that thought they were smart. If you're so smart, then go out there and cure yourself. Why you asking me? Why do you ask me how to do it and then tell me you don't think I understand. You know I mean. I mean what? Why do you ask somebody how to do it and then argue with them? So apparently this first step is very important, because what it did is it pushed me to the point where I had no questions because I surrendered. That's what they called it. I surrender, and you know you're surrendering when you're doing shit that you don't even want to do and you don't even understand why you're doing it, but you do it anyway. You're going to a meeting and you don't want to go to a meeting, but you're going to it anyway. You tell you sponsor to you're dying and you need help and you have no money, and he says, I think it's about time you make coffee,...

...and you have no idea what he's doing talking about, but you make coffee anyway because you don't realize he's actually by telling you to make coffee, which is what we're supposed to do, what God wants us do. He's asked you to be a maximum service of the people. You don't realize he's pointing you from the material to the spiritual. You know, when my sponsor told me it's a one months sober, and I think I'm going to mention this last week. If I did, reputation is okay, when my sponsor said to me last week. But I told the last week when I was a month sober and I had no money and I had a wife and I thought we were going to be evicted and I was sitting there and I was dying inside and I told about the money problem and I wanted to and he looked at me and said, I think it's about time you started making coffee for the group. I had no idea what this guy was talking about. He could have been talking at the Slovakian. To me, I I'm talking about money. I mean, I know it's not importants. Just write a day with oxygen. I mean it's anything is good, but I'm talking money. You understand what I'm saying. I can tell you guys are probably very wealthy and never worried about money in your life. I'm telling you. I'm talking about money and bills and situations, and he's telling me, he says, I think you've prought you need to start making cough for the group and he marched me over this. You know what this that is. That's the second step in action. When somebody tells you something that you think is insane, crazy, will not help the situation, and you follow them over the coffee pot anyway. That's coming to believe that their form of Vin Saturday and some sort of power greater than you can reachect and act you. That's some sort of faith without actually seeing, without even understanding, when you start making cough and the next day you don't want to go to meet because you're the press, because the money's gotten even worse, but you have to go to the meeting because you have to make the coffee for the group. So you go to meet and make the coffee because you don't understand that if it was only up to you, you'd stay home and kill yourself or drink. But the one thing that you have going for yourself is you're worried about what other people might think about you. So that same thing that used to drive you to drink outside a is now causing you to go to a meeting and make coffee because because you're worried about what they will think about you and what will happen if you don't like you would, you would never save yourself. But you all of a sudden are thinking about the other people and what will they think about you? And you have a responsible then you got to make and so you'll go and you make the coffee and you do that for three or four months, five months or six months, and all of a sudden the money comes in and some guy comes up to you and says I'll make the coffee and you say I'm the coffee maker. Who The hell appoint did you? You know, and you don't even know what's going on. And the the next twenty five years of my life is me going up to my sponsor and tell him about a problem I have, a material problem I have with a wife, with the kids, with the boys, with the girls, with cars, whatever it is, the job, and him saying to me, I think it's about time you started sponsoring more people. I think it's about time you started doing a step series. I think it's about time you started reading. I think it's about time you start going to more meetings. I think it's about time you start making cough for the groups. I think it's about time you started studying the Bible and reading I think it's telling me insane stuff. And then here's what happens. You start doing all this insane stuff and all of a sudden you start feeling better. Now what are you going to do when he starts saying every time you have a bad thought about anything, anything, say God help me, God help me not to think this way, God help me not to think this life. What happens when you do that and, guess what, and it works. What are you going to do then? What happens when all this crazy shit they're telling you? You do it over and over and over again, and it works. What happens when they tell you the turn it over and and ask God to take care of it and stop worrying about it? What happens, and it works. What happens when you do that for forty years, turning things over, turning things over, turning these things over, Leybe God have talking about God, thinking about God, praying to God, getting up in the morning, and think about making them the central factor your life, to the point where things have gotten so good that you actually believe that God exists, he's as real as you. And all you do is think about them and talk about them and want to tell other people about them like those and said the word has been so wonderful to you, to me, for me, this tells he's gotten talking about them. And tell what happens when that happens and you do it so much that all of a sudden you're living a life or rigorous...

...honesty and you're not turning your life over to God anymore. You're just living a turned over life. What happens when it's when? What happens when you're really screwed, where, after forty years of doing this stuff, all of a sudden you're starting to think the way the old timers think and you no longer to think the way you think and you find that you're rocket in the fourth to Menson of existence, experiencing much of heaven and experiencing the joy. What what are you going to do then? You're going to tell somebody about it, you're going to mention it in a step series. Where you're going to are you going to worry about what they'll think about you, whether somebody won't like you? What happens if you lose the fear of other people like you? What happens if you're not in bonded? What happens if you don't care what they don't like you? What happens if, if you don't is if who you are and what you are doesn't depend upon what Eric thinks about you or what Jesse thinks about you or what Claire Thinks about you? What if the only thing you care about is what God thinks about you? And what if you believe that? What if you like the big book says, in the big book, it says he will give us everything we need if we stay close in the performance worked well. And what if you believe that your purpose on earth, your purpose is to try other try to help other people by spreading this good news and telling them what they're actually saying the big book? What if the greatest time you ever have in your life is talking to other alcoholics and telling them there's a way out. You don't have to feel this way. This is how I got at and you just love talking about it. What are you going to do then? You know, yeah, it's a real problem. I've been thinking on it. So that's all I have to say. Next week we'll talk about step three. Thank you,.

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