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Episode · 10 months ago
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Episode · 10 months ago
Russell S. Step 2 at the Coral Room Zoom
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
The meling everybody, my name isRussell spat some, an alcoholic has everybody doing today right the have o be here with you,wonderful people, it's a real pleasure for me to do this. You know they say heyis like a giant tothe door, so I don't know whether I'll be ranchtonight, but I'm just goingto honestly, as honestly as I can try to share myexperience, frength and hopefully Toi with you. I put a couple F things inchat. I just repost them because I know that if you come in late, you may not stee Hem, and so you might want to take a secondto sort of read them over and I'm going to talk a little bitabout them and I'm going to talk a little bit about yeah, open, mindedthis, open mindedness is not what it's about in open minded open to new ideas. No,what it's about so you might want to take a look at these things. These are the reason why you want totake a lot of these things is because the things that I posted are some ofthe things that the founders were reading before the world o Po in onethousand nine hundred and thirty nine, the but bapox Sosas published and in thebig book in One thousand nine hundred and thirty nine. They said rarely howwe seen a person fail, who has thoroughly now listen just do yourself,a Favori, just fo laughs and giggles pay attention to the words they use.You know I'm an alcoloc and Westerno and lessonns on alcohol, except onalcohols and all consequences. Thi Sovital be precarious on Tue Happinessto fund it all one of the consequences of being an alcohol I found in my lifeand what I realized is even though Itwas an alcoholic. I think I'm uniqueand I like to tell people they don't understand. My situation is different.One of the reasons alcoholcs anommous folds together is we're not unique,we're all basically the same with the same type: Alcoholic personality,Shortfat Man, woman, black life, don't matter the reasonof meetings, workICASE, teak down inside when people go to the meetings, they build certainlike a certain type of trust and faith in the group, because everybody talk OsSux, a worithin, Rolso Watso. I kin to want to Di gest you that you, when they, when they you one of thecosqulunces I had as an alcoholic, is whenever eever anybody says anything tome or tells me anything or suggests anything to me or I read anything thatI don't like for whatever reason that I have aprejudice against, you know the big book. I think they have a thing thatsays we lose all prejudice. They don't say we lose some prejudiceor a little prejudice. It says we lose all prejudice even against organizedreligion. Did you know that? That's what it saysto the big bookwelldoubly that you know just go with the fellowship aboutcolsanmos. You know the fellowshit we're not exactly WELL PEOPLESANONYMOUS ORLY! You know. Let's go: Do we go with the fellowship you're goingto you know the Foshop was one. I love the fellowship. The Wa, the fellowshipis the one buffer between sensitive and Tunchy alcoholics and the big book ofalcoholcs anonymous, which is actually going to tell you the truth I mean thefellowship is the one that says: Isn't that the one that says ill? Don't worryabout the God thing? That's a fellowship right says the big book saysyou need to think about the God thing. You know what I mean, but then they welwrite a chap to theignasic, saying this sort of thinking as be abandond, butthe felloship says: Don't worry about the Godtin. The fellowship is the buffer, soalcoholics don't get upset because alcoholics, apparently, if you're likeme, alcoholics, are upsetable, they're touching and so one of the consquences. When myfirst wife said to me when you come, if you come home drunk one more time, I'mleaving you twelve words and I'm a guy who now I'm not a stupid guy graduate Oalanes an Mathmac. So it's Gog for my PhD and I'lgerate the pology. I became a lawyer became a division chief of thestitturnes office, a law professor o think I'm stupid. But when my wife said,if you come home drunk one more time, I am leaving you. What I said to myself was what theHeldethe mean by that it was very confusing to me. So one of theconsequences of being an alcohol is that when you're told something or youread something...
...that you don't like, it confuses you. Sometimes it evenpisses you off, because and there's the other thing there's that chiefcharacteristic of alcoholics- and I know you all know what the chiefcharacteristic is of alcohols and that is defiance defiance. Tsoh we're notexactly humble we're pretty much defiand. We don't like being told whatto do, and the fact of the matter is is thatwhen we're told something we don't life and and if we are, you know pretty muchinsane which we are when we get here. You know the bottom line is f. If weretold something you don't like by somebody who's got this thing. Wepretty much want to dismiss it or it's ELM Tho mind their own business or things are sayng things like you,don't understand, or I'm different or stuff like that, so in one thousand, nine hundred andthirty nine big, the big book was written by the first hundred Alpois,mostly by Bill Wilson, a few orwe guys and in the big book they say, and youcorrectly, if I'm wrong and by the way this is the basic text. This is whatwe're all supposed to bree on. So, if you disagree with that, you candisagree with me. You have to listen to MMI. You K, I mean nothe deal, I'm just going to share with you myexperience that as I've the experience I've had over the lastforty years watching people do this thing and not do it in my own sprietyand people fail and all that sort of stuff there's all about it's all goingto be experiential stuff, but the bottom line is, is that theysaid rarely haven't seen a person fail who, as thoroughly thoroughly they donot wore thoroughly followe our pad. So I you know, I looked up a or thoroughly.It means that you, it means pretty much thoroughly. It means it means you dowhat we did you'll get. What we got you do, what we did you'll get, what wegot and if you read doctor, bottle the good old times, which tells you whatthey did the first four years, because a was startedg in one thousand ninehundred and thirty five. The Big Book was written in onethousand nine hundred and thirty nine I've done the math on this trust methat's four years that they were staying sober and they got rocketenedIno the fourt dimension of existence, of which they couldn't even believe, and they had joy, come into their lives and what they said. They did, as theysaid, the books that they found absolutely essential. Iecan wok up the word essential, butI'm Gnno tell you what it means. It means essential and absolutely essential means unbelievably freaking essential. Youunderstand it means like whatever higher than essential means. That'swhat absolute they said. The booksmen come outsolute essential was firstcorinvians thirteen sermon on the Mount, which is Matthew. Five, six and sevenand the book of Chang and that's the Dea, I'm just gon listen,you know you can have your opinions, but you can't have your own facts. I'mjust telling you the first meeting of alcoholics anonybous according toconsuprove material, was docor Bob putting his foot on a dining room chair,one of the wrungs and reading servont on the Mount Matthew, five, six andseven. So no that's just the bottom line. I mean, I guess, if you're goingto thoroughly, follow their path, which I decided somewhere along Thero, maybeabout ten or fifteen years that I was going to do because I wanted more. But in any event so we're talking aboutgetting open mind- and I know you guys- are all interested in the steps. That'swhy youfher and you're all interested in being open minded and and all thatsort of stuff. So it says right after that. It says those who do not recoverour people by the way you want to know who doesn't who won't recover her?Would you like know who's not going to recover Tho. Those who do not recoverare people who cannot or will not completely completely there's another wolcompletely give themselves to this simple programis e. word simple, againn, usually many women wo are constitutionally incapableof being honest with themselves. By the way, there is a manner of living which demands rigorous dishonesty, and I live that manner of living. No. For thirty one years before I cameto dotbalx anonymous, so I am well...
...acquainted with the manner of livingwhich demands rigorous dishonesty, and let me tell you about that matterof living when you live a manner of living that demands dishonestly, you hate everything that moves. You only think about yourself all thetime. You have a lot of anger. You have a lot of self pity. You have a lot of fear and you and you almost naturallycompulsibely blame other people for your problems. You live to blame and resent otherpeople, especially when things don't go your way and by the way, I'm the kind of guide cause. I'm analcohol when I live that matter of living which demans Rigoros todishonesty and by the way I don't have to go tomeetings or even have a sponsor to live thatmatter of living that demands dishonesty. I am like a PhD in thattype of living. I do that. I do that automatically. As a matter of fact, Ifeel more comfortable, blaming other people having myselfresenting and hating other people and being angry upset and fearful as a matter of fact, if you for somereason, feel that it's necessary to get in my life and Tryi to talk me out offeeling that way, I'm going to tell you to go to hell to my drown, business,and I'm also going to explain to you that you don't understand by the way, if you happen to live thatmatter of living or if any of you Oul live that Manter, O living and you're an alcoholic like me, you'rlgoing a drink, you got trust, you're, GOINGTA drink. You know what I mean oruse heroin or something you're going to drink, because that is not a reallygreat way of living. On this planet, so I got a horrible way of living thatcomes natiuoral to me and here's another deal. I don't know of any otherway of doing life, except by hating people and hating myself, andbeing angry and resentful on blaming that I don't know, I don't even knowIno as a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, my base, my favorite line, iswell sure. You don't know what it's like. If it happened to you, you feelthe same way because I believe there's only one way: Tho deal with people andthat is hate, em resent resent them and get back on them and don't trust them and all that sort ofstuff. You know that's just the way. I am that's the kind of thing ing I haveso that's my deal, so I come into thissituation, so you got these alcoholics and they come into Aa and they sayreally. I was seen a Princapillo as thoroughly fough our path and theirpath was not reading the Big Book. Now, I'mnot putting down the big book, I'm a big book of FICHANNATO. Believe me, Iremember, is big book. I love the big book, but the truth matter is what Iknow. I understand what the path os and one of the things is to be open mindeda'm along the road. I understand that they weren't reading the Big Book. Theywere reading the Bible, that's what they're readin you don't have to likethat, and you don't have to you know, become Christian or did you a Musli?You don't have to go wild and all that I'm just telling you that's what it was, and the bottom line is. Is that I posted acouple things in hear about now. One of the things that happened is when I grewup one. I was terrible at sports, but I'lltell you. One of the things I was good at is academics. I was good at the schoolshit. Let metell you and when you see those diplomas back there,I got a whole other W. I got a hole on the wall with diplomas. You know I told my first sponsor when I came toDaya. You guys heard the story SOE got out. I had one month sobriety and he wassitting up by my desk and I said Bob and he was a used car salesand. Henever even graduated, really the sixth grade. Ithink, or something like that, and I said Bob. These are my degrees and hesaid to me: Will You knowruse Reck El teronders have degrees, and you know atthey do in those. So apparently for some strange reason:ALD timers in alcoholics, anonymous who are happy, Joyce and free are notimpressed by diplomas. I don't they're not impressed by howsmart you are as you're plushing your life and everybody else's like down thedrain, they're, not impressed by that stuff.At all. You know I thought I was always...
...impressed by smart people. I was always impressed by myintelligence. As a matter of fact, the one thing I had s I had in my life thatI could trust it was something called intellectual pride. I always knew that was the smartest guyin the room and one thing I absolutely knew whichbuy. Frankly, I think every alcohol knows carry alcohol knows this. IsNobody knows me better than me? Nobody understands me better than me: I don't trust any listen. I weigheverything everything you tell me. I have to think about it and figure outwhether I should do it and why should I do it? I mean let me Ta Im his anincredible computer going on there and so no matter what I want to know theanswer. Why and why do I have to do? I got so many questions. I have questionswithin questions within questions and you want to something I love to argueand get mad. I love to Guyit's just that' just what happens when you live alife, a brigorous dishonesty, that's just the way. I am, I think, I'msmarter than anybody else. I'm think I'm wiser than anybody else. THAT'S THE DEAL! Okay! So when I was twenty one or twenty two I met thiswoman and and not only that I thought I was agood guy. I thought I was Bacefo good diy. MyGrandmother told me said Russell you're, basically good guy you're. Basically,I'm so not sure that you basically woud guy. So it's basically so I meat thisgrirl and I said to myself, as I often said myself, if only I cun have thatwoman in my life, everything would be wonderful and I made a full court press to getthat Moman into my life, and I let me tell you SOMFN, I wenttill far her. I was Gon for my PhD and alterate apology. Her mother was alawyer and her father was a doctor and her grandfather was a lawyer and I knewthat they liked professional people. I changed my my focus from becoming aprofessor of mathematics to become a lawyer. Now F. Somebody asked me why to becomea lawyer. You know I would tell him why, like Parry Naanan whyv some sort ofbullshit that I believe I believe a lot of my bullshit. But the truth is. Ibecame a work because I wanted to Getdo a Gallas bance and I wanted a I wantedto marry this Gal and I thought that would be IMPRESSD. That would impressour family, I'm I may say to you: I don't give a prop wit, other people.Think about me. I may say that to you, but I want you to trust me, my entirelife up until that moment, and even beyond that is being concerned withwhat you think about. I am absolutely sure that one of the reasons I became alawyer and I chose my profession- is not only because I wanted the mother tolike me and the father to like me and the grandfather like me. I want you tolike. I want you to look up to me, I'm a lawyer or something like that. It allhas to do with feeding that that ego, you know and that's the deal and Ibecame a lawyer. Now I had a beautiful wife. We had a beautiful house. We had a son, a gorgeous son Itas, now,like forty seven years old, wone, fom gid with rand babies, I have andeverything like that and a yeared down the road. After that I was a divisionchief in the states, tras office and staying out till four o'clock in themorning. Looking at women on the dance floorwith a bunch of homicide cops while my wife is at home with the baby saying tomyself, if I can only have that down that blond them denthfor, my life wouldbe great, and I spent three years four yearsdrinking from fourth or in the afternoon til four thirty in the morning thengoing home to where my wife was looking at the women on des for saying my wife,my life would be great if I could only have tat Gal if I could only date other women and an one day. My Wife said to me, as I told you, if you come on DRONPmore time, I'n leaving you and I said what the help. Do you meanby that and of course, that night I came homedrunk, I went into bar just have one drink and I ended haping, two or three,and that was the Ond of my five year, marriage and since we had a child and she lovedme and she was a good gal. She said, I think we ought to go to marriagecounselor and I felt guilty because I felt guilty because I was guilty and Iwent to the marriage counselor and the...
...match. COUNSILR asked my wife, he said:What do you want to change about Russell? Tell me three things you wouldlike to change about Russell. I can't remember what she said. I think shemust have mentioned drinking, maybe coming home. You know for dinner, orsomething like that. I got to tell you. I wasn't really paying attentionbecause I had a date that night with one of the gals of the dance, for youunderstand, I'm saying and I and when she said she wanted a divorce. I wasextatic because now I was finally free free to do whatever I wanted to do andI'm sitting there and I'm going crazy because of this thing works. Youunderstand that I'm back in that in the cage, I'm back to the cage and I can'tdate other women. So when he turned to me and- and I said I gotto get out of Iwhen he turned to me- and let me tell you something- I was cold stone soverat the time. I don't know what kind of Alppolism youhave. I'm looking you guys, you guys look like Pretty Nice people you're,not I kind of. Let Me Tay Y. U I don't need alcohol to be an asshole. I don't need alcohol to beirresponsible. Most of the people I've heard in my life with my mouth and inevery other way I did a cold stone sober as physically sand, physicallysober as I am right now. I proize physically sober as I am right now, notspiritually sober, but it's physically sober as I am right now and he said to me, what do you want todo? What are the three things you want to do to change your wife and you'd,like se change- and I looked at him in front of her- and I said I just want todate other women- and that was the end of the session, and that was the end of my marriage. Now, many years later, I considered sober how that must haveaffected my wife to hear that who had my baby, who was a good girl and it must have crushed her. You wantto know something. I said that like it was nothing like that just rolled offmy tongue, so so much for being smart, so much for being brilliant, so much for having for for waning to get a PhD andAlgebrate Thopology, so much for being a division chief in the state'sattorney's office, just another asshole in three piecesuip, who doesn't even know he's an asshole.If you asked the album, I was getting divorce. I would tell you I was gettinga divorce cause. We were different people. She didn't understand me. Shewas trying to get me to stop drinking. She was trying to change me whatever itis, but the truth is. I got a divorce because I was a womanizer. I wasdishonest and all I gave Mo shit about was myself because I was one selfishson of Ha Bitch and I didn't give a crap about anybody else. So when I,when my big BOOT says, was selfish and werselfsetted and we're driven there'sno there, I can't help it we're driven by a hundred forms of fierce ul Olution.So pity, all I see is what my sponsor told me. He said Russell for you. That means that you don't give a crapabout anybody except yourself, no matter what happens in your life.The only thing to you think about is: How is this affecting me? How do youfeel- and you have no hempathy or other people wan whatsoever, and that's myappolsm and that's the way I am drunk or soder. You know and I drink alcohol,because no woman, no car, no amount of money ever works just as well or justas fast as just a few drinks, and you want to know something I'Vei'vebeen I've. Had that thing that dishonest thinking that delusionalthinking that selvish thinking, let me tell you something I didn't develop,that in alcoholics anonymous I didn't come to alchosanonymous andall of a sudden develop alcoholism. I had that way of thinking. That's theway my brain operates. That's the way my hard drive operates before I starteddranking. Let me see I had that think in going from, I guess, from twelve orthirteen years old from three years old on it's just the way I'm built just mypersonality. My sponsor said when I got sober, why do you say the things yousay? Why do you do the things that you do? I said, that's just my personalityand he says to me: RUSP, your personality is killing you. I know howto stop drinking. How do you get rid of your personality? dotor young one ofthe greatest ichiatrist in the world...
...had enough wisdom to tell Rolan Hazardwho had gone to his treatment center and said after graduating and Sayg now,knowing the inner workings of my mind, being incredibly brilliant aboutalcoholism. Now, knowing the drinking is impossible. Nevertheless, he wasdrunkin a few few weeks. He went up to the doctor. He said Doctor. What's theanswer I mean I know everything, I'm smart, I'm intelligent and the doctorsays this whata. I don't know how many doctorswould even have the ability to say this thing now. The doctor knew what hedidn't know he said. Listen, you have the mind of a chronicalcoholic. I have never been able to help. Somebody with that state of mindexists and he says well, what's the answer. Hesays the answer is gone. He said you have to have an incrediblepsychic change, that's a spiritual thing and the way he says I isn't say youhave to get rid of your personality, but he basically says that d. He sayshe says there aren people that make it. They have some sort of spiritualexperience or some sort of experience with God and ideas, emotions andattitude that are the guiding force of these hey ideas, motion Zattudes,that's pretty much your personality ideas, emotion, the attitudes which are the guiding force of thesemen's lives are pushed to one side and they become dominated by a whole newset about ideas, emotions and attitudes, and they change and that's, and I can't tell you how todo it. I can't help you as a psychiatrist. Ican't give you drugs ain't going to do it. Torsin ain't going to do it. Myyelling at Gain't going to do it the judge ain't going to do it. I can'ttell you how to do it. All I can tell you is there are people that have thathappend? He says you know. He said it's a phenomenan phenomena, that's like amedical term for miracle. We don't understand it, we don't if we know howto do it wed be doing it. We put people in treatment centers, you know, and fora week or two weeks or twenty eight days or six months, they do well andthen, all of a sudden, three years later, five years later, ten years,twelve years to go back to drink them again they turn around. We don't knowhow to do it permanently, but there are people. There are people that getthirty forty fifty years sobriety and their whole life changes, but not onlythe drinking the drink is least amount of things that their entire personalitychanges. They have a personality change where ideas, emotions and attitudesthat used to drive them are shoved, tem one side and replacedby a whole new set of ideas, emotions an ait. I don't know how to do it, and so on December, twenty fifth nthousand nine hundred and eighty when I'm thirty one years old. What happens? Is I'm thirty? One years old I get kickedout of a party on Christmas, Ev, an nochambwinner and I'm all by myself,and somehow I realize that my life is over. Now I have been telling myself that mylife was over for some time. I don't know what kind of alcoholismyou have. I have the kind of alcoholism whereonce in a while, if I'm not keeping myself busy or I'm not distracted, thisthought comes to me that O'n Ta piece of Shild ar o Realy kill myself. Idon't know where it comes from it just sort of comes to me that I'm a loserand what's the use, I'm not as well till life. I start talking like thebook of Ecclesiastiis. You know what I mean meaningly. This is by the way,this wis written twenty five hundred years ago by King Solomon, who was theson of King David, who was supposed to be the wisst man on the planet, he'sThe guy who was divide the baby stuff, and this is whan. He says meaningless,meanless utterly meaningless. Everything is meaningless and you can read that there's actuallysomething in that that has to do with the second and third step. Mi want tocheck it out. I was written by a pretty intelligent Guiy who had everything atall the women at all the CONAS matic. Did you ever read the book o Plice asHes ad everything richest man in the world at everything, and he wound upalready wiuld up. He wound up like me at three o'clock in the morning saying it's all bullshit, it's allbullshit Om, bullshit, your bullshit life is bullshit. I might as well tillmyself hopeless. You know what I mean so this disease, this disease we havehas been going on in mankind for a long, even prior ton, one thousand ninehundred and thirty five yeah a long time and the solution has been aroundeven prior one thousand nine hundred and thirty five. You Know Bill Wilson,Dr Bob didn't Stobr anything that...
...wasn't already there they'll be thefirst one to tell you that if you read their Bookh, especially Dr Boban, goodold timers, so the bottom line is, is that I havethis deal where I get crushed and I get down of my hands and knees and well not my hands, an needs on myknees, and I turn on TV and theres is preacher. Who tells me if I give mylife to Lord things, will change things will change now? That's not very scientific! Youunderstand what I'm saying: THAT'S NOT Very mathemmatic! That's not very there's noaristiatillean logic involvin that ar assime or symbolic login. That's notvery logical! You know what I mean and I don't remember saying: Well, I'mSpirifal Mot relations at that point because I was suicid. I wanted to die.Here's a deal I wanted to die, but I didn't want to be there when itactually happened. You know what I mean I just I wish I was dead and I knew my lifewas over, but I dod know I wanted to avoid the death thing. I woun just gofrom there right to the without going through the actual process, and I was so desperate. I had a sponsorsaid Russell. Don't ever rob an alcohol Om, his desperation Ho eever robinalcohol is his last dream. So I was so desperate that I got on myknees and I said their sinis prayer, and I said I essentially said God helped me help me help me now. I got to say someone not a guy whowas work on the church in the Sentagoga. Wasn't trainend, I mean it's not a bigthing for you, but for a Jewish kid from great NEC York was a major deal ika day of that, and I am not a guy who's, a Godbuy, I'm a guy. I wanted what youhad and I was when to go to England toget, I'm a playboy bunny back there.Then we didn't. Have you know whatever that thing is hootersor anything I was. I was a playbook club member. I was all about the thewomen, the sex, the money, the cars, the job. I worship that life. I worshipthat lift hanging out with the guys and drinking God. The word God. Let me tellsomething: I'm not even saying I was an atheist, I'm not even saying it was aninostic I'll, tell you what I was. God had absolutely nothing to do with mylife. I would hang out in the alibi lanstalking to my buddies, and I remember one time having any type of debateabout God. I remember a lot time saying: look at that blond over there on thetable to your left. Look at that red head over there. You know- and Iremember a lot talking bad frob about other people behind their back. I do 'remember talking about the God thing, but somehow some way things got so badfor me that I was out of answers. I was not. I got to be honest with you onDecember, twenty fit one thousand nine hundred and eighty atthree o'clock in the morning. I wasn't too smart. I don't think I was at my best. I think I have like two neurons workingand they were waving theby to each other, and I was out of answers. I had noanswers, and so I was just lucky that some preachercame on and said get on O and I did it. I didn't argue about it. I didn't saywhat does that Havpe to do with it? I just did it now, I'd like to say to youthat three rabbis and a priest came by and said with some dohnuts and said:Hey, we got an am an me gon here. That's not what happened. What happenedI continued to drink for month and exactly one month later, I came into Aa.One month later, I hadin the last grade tat a few days after that I picked em awhite ship, an alcoholisonamas, never to have a drinkin. Yet so I don't know the answer, but it hadnothing to do with smarts. I can tell you that and somewhere along the line whenyou're pushed down so low as Leng as I I was when I came to I and you're Willyn, and you see somebodywho you who has what you want and you're willing to do, go to anylengths toget it an you, don't even know what any lates is somehow some way. I linked up withcertain people, a sponsor and other people that Ifollowed them around, like a puppy tig, and so these people were all going tomeenings and doing the steps and talking about the God thing and doingall the stuff we do when we first come in all the stuff. I didn't understand and one of the steps and AP to be- andI pretty much knew I was powerss aroun and I knew my life was unmanageble. Itwas clear to me I didn't have to have t somebody tell me. I went to themeetings I heard other people talk, but I knew that it was over. For me...
I was at the point of desperation, andthen I you know you get the seond. I believe every step, if you do it pointyou to the next step, you know, and the only that holds youback is your own, your old ideas and your own alcoholism and, of course, Othe second step says is, and the interesting thing is I got totell you something I certainly couldn't give hem this talk forty years ago, but over a period of time. As you lookback, I start realizing certain things and one o every things I realized is that the second step says came tobelieve that a power greate than yourself will restore you tosanity, andI now understand, with my Brilliante EUCLIDIAN mind that if you are going tobe restored to sanity now get this. This is like this is like postgraduate advanced Aa. If a higher power is going to restoreyou to sanity, what that means? Is You are insane you see if you're already, if you'realready same you don't have to be restored to sanity? You are insane cammentagers, one HOUSND, nine hndredThrgt, five Alpohols Omende Wen weereout to destroy themselves. You know some sort of feeling deep downinside that you're unworthy to even be alive, some sort of feeling inside thatsomehow you got to cover up something or you're, not as good as or comparingyour inside with other people's outside or somehow doing something havingsomething getting something. So you can prove your okay, so you can spend money,you don't have bying Prap, you don't need to impress people, you know why.So you can somehow carry it off so they'll accept you, you'll love you,because if you're an alcoholcyor, please love me a Hallik. Please talkgood about me. Alcoholic! Don't ever talk bad behind my bacaholic. Why doeshe hate me a Halllik? You got so many fallic things going on in your mind.You got no chance of happiness and you got to work real, real hard, not to goand say and implor your brains, Ot. That's e!! well, that's kind of knows:that's the kind of Alcoholi a Mi, and let me tell something: has nothingto do with drinking. The only thing drinking did for medrinking was the solution to my problem. Now, here's the here's the crazy dealthe problem was, I was insane before I started drinking. I was thinking thisway. While I was drinking- and I was thinking this way for years after Istopped drinking an an you know what I mean you know, here'sthe problem, the drinking apparently according t. The big book is not theproblem. It's the it's a symptom of a hey, it's a hell of a sympom, it's ahell of a Symbo, it's the symptom, the real somp problem. Centers in my mind,not my body. I know, there's the chemical thing andI know there's the crame and Al so stuff, but beon onthe, Cravy, I'm insane in a bad way and in sense, listen to analcohol sets, is alcoholismand allits, Consequenceis Sobrie, to be precarious.I precarious! I don't have rocket in the fourth Metchon soriety. I don'thave experiencing much of Havin sobriety. I don't Knav joy of livingsobriety. I have sobriety where I'm hanging on and I'm trying to stay soberone blessed day at a time and settling for that. That's what the success says.We settle from mere subrid, but why not that's what as plad don't drink and go to MES put the plunin the jug don't drink. Even if your ass falls or you know you get abirthday party, what you can raite fifteen nuns at a chicken. You knowwhat I mean you got five years sobriety te'll quadgh, ind the'll, give you amecdallion. You know it's all about the not drinking. It's all about the notdrinking. Isn't it it's not about the, not thinking it's not about the joy of living. You know it's not about that stuff. Isit so the bottom line is I comeOlcholsanonas and now I'm not drinking, and now I'm learning with my littlespiritual flashline, because of why? Because of the repeated umiliations and the crushing of my self sufficiencybecause of the humiliations, life throws meon a daily basis because I'mstill crazy and I still don't want to give up old ideas and by the way toresult his nill. Unless you get up Oget, unless you let go absolutely by the way,there is no middle road solution by the way a Mer code of morals, ave, benPhilaso life do the next right thing. You want to some that won't say you bythe way. That's why they did talk about God, because we had to find a power. Wedidn't have a power to change our mental mind and have a new hard drivein order to experience, joy and pure joy in our lives. By the way. That'swhy they said God I couldn't would if...
...you was tought by the way that that youcan't manage tha way out of this, you can't find a human being. That's goingto change it. You may listen to somebody, but it's some sort of thingthat God has changed. That's why they said by the way God either is rhe isand what O, what you decension going to be. That's why they said by the way,we're on the new basis of trustind Relevbo on God. That's why they say tif you're an Alcoholi's anonymous, never apologized for believing, in Godall men, Af Fath that courage, they trust their God. We are trusted in God.Fear gets releved. He said, no, that's why he said that now, that's notnecessarily toin the fellowship. Every time you mentione God, Yif feuolly haveto apologize, because you got a lot of people that are scared that if theylisten to you too much about God, they may have to actually rely on thembecause they wanted, because it's not Olpsanonas, there's millions ofmillions of alcoholcs, all of which don't want to really do this thing.They want to try to do it their way, so they can avoid the thoroughly part andeverything I get that deal, but the bottom line is. Why is it that I getfalled from people with thirty years, tobribe thirty years, Survivin thirty years so, and they asked me questions like how do I get this Gott thing? I'm nothappy how come I get calles from guys withtwenty five years. Soriety say you sponsor me, you know how do you knowthat about God and how do you believe it? How do come? I get Colt. You know.Here's the amazing part what they discoen one tho is. You could come anAwcols ynonymous and do the pooy thing. You know the boy think you know t thesix step that says it's the six step. S is about getting to the point in your life,where you're really ready to have God wemove all defects, anything standingbetween you and him, so you can grab grow in the image and likeness iftregrator, where you want to be rocked in the forts omision existence, whichpont of the big book means that the great fact is sisten up that you mustmake the Lord the sential factor your life, that you have to somehow beconvinced that he lives in your heart and lind and way wich the Iractless bythe way. If you don't like me, if you got U set about what I'm saying, listen you'r not really upset with me.You just accept it. The big book about Yeurop Sev with alcoholics anonymous, it's just some set of the big wok,because everything I'm talking, I'm I'm a product of the bigbook of alcoholcsanonmous after forty years. Unfortunately, you take forty years ofwork in the big blook and instead of believing your own bullshit reading theBig Book and believing everything say, Tha the big book exactly the way. Theysay that somehow it's true and you got to strive for it, I'm a product of whathappens to you. If you do that, you know, I don'tapologize for it. You know what I'm talking about. If you don't want what Ihave that's fun you'Rehoug to have it you know and and the bottom. So sothat's the deal. That's, and so I have men who have been sand. They discovernine fiftis te come Daa and you can get a job back and you anget a wipeback and you get kids back and you can and you can go to a fewmeetings and you can work some steps and you know to the best of yourability or maybe not the best, your ability and then you could sort a coastand you can actually stay Soa for ten or twenty or thirty years. Ye had never experienced much of health.You can stay snow for thirty years, you're Etlein God you can believe inlike business or money or your wife or your girl, for whatever it is and and put your faith in that deal and then what happened. Youtil'l haveto figure out what you're going to do if one of those things go down tubes, you know if the wife gets cancer, youhat cancer. The job goes under the restaurant gets closed. Whatever it is,that's floating your vote. That's allowing you to live your life like sebbling, like theysabut, you know, but apparently, according to bigbook, there are peoplethere are. Apparently there are steps and things that people do. That's thathave a great separation. They say it separates the way they put in itseparates the men from the boys. It separates. The people that are just have just joined the not drinking club from the people who are being Rocke,inte, fourth dimension of Xistance, and it has something to do with losingprejudice and actually trying to learn about what this God thing is withoutputting any preconditions on it. Well, I mean I see, people all the time,they're sayme things like what theyae talked about that when I can in youknow, I would have walkd out of the door. Well, you know we don't know whatthat's true or not, and I got news for you. Okay, then Talk Bove got when Iwalked in you wanted some. I was gornywhere because I had no place to go.You know why? Because I didn't want to drink anymore and you every think aboutwhat happens to people that walk out the door where they're going. Where arethey going they're going back to drinking Gan and eventually they'lleither die or they'll, come back in with a new attitude and, as you know,betw Housan, nine hundred andthirty,...
...five ninete th nine. If you red tolkabout the Gol dimers, you could not get into alcoholic sanonymous, you couldnot get into the room unless you did the surrender. Some of you guys, don'tknow that repage Undeoh one and talke about good old timers. They take youupstairs and you'd Havpen to get down on your knees like I did that nightunder seme. Twenty fifth and you'd have to give your life to God in front ofmen and win Ily staidit alone, and then they would allow you into the meed. Youknow why, because they wanted you to know exactly what you were getting Inoexactly what you were getting into. They didn't want to have any doubtsabout what this thing was all about. It was none of this. Don't worry about theGodthn, you know thit's one ot, one of these things like well, don't worryabout that dyeal, you knew it by the time you went to your first meeting.You whald already done one two and three, and so you can only imagine what thosemeans you know what those means were like thet were sort of like thezoomiins I goter now. That's why I loves INSO THE MEANINGS I go to I don'tknow, I'm not saying these are all a so many ones. I go go to our populated bypeople who are believers in God unapologetical. You want to know what I hear it zoomeans I go to. This is what I hear. I can't believe my fal, and these arefrom people who have ten twenty thirty year, sority and three lips of briht.They say I can't believe this. I can't talk about this stuff. At my a I can't talk about this stuff in AA. Ican't even I can't even find people that wil talk to me about this stuffand alcoholic anonymous, and I come to zoom and it's all over the I come to Zoman, it's all over Somin.This is you, you know what these means are like. These are like the meetingsthat they had during the first five years. Watout or zoo meetings are likethe meetings they had during the first five years of alcoholics, and I see people whoave never been to alie. They came in like nine months ago in Zoom, and you know right now. Theygot nine months, ten months, whatever it is, and when you hear them talk,they talk like they have five years, because all they do is hi, listen toold, timers and listen about God. Thing therre Av e problems with it. They talkd like they have five yearsand to being rocker in the fourth mention existence and when they say they want to have wat,they have I mean soriety is important. Physical Sobriety is important, but youwant to Ha somethig they so much want to get closeto to God find out more. Sothey can be rocking in the fourth dimension in system which they cannoteven they have not even dreamed. Noi Mean I'm just telling you what Isee. I don't know what means you go, that's what I say, and so it's a so apparently and I'mjust going to end it because we've gone through the hour. Apparently I think so, Ente Wen do we start five.Thirty Ha Sixte, okay! So apparently one of the reasons that one one of the things they say in thebig book. Why all this insistence on heating bottom because nobody's goingto know alcoholic is going to do what we suggest they do unless they believe their life dependsupon it, and I guess one of the the benefit Ican't say I was intelligent. I didn't because Hav a smart, you want nosomething if I was wise what I love this part. Wewhen Ting Solomon saysthis. He says this is the lag kind of Hends it this play. He says he sayswhen I applie myself to understanding wisdom and also madvison folly, but Ilearned that this too is chasing of the wind for with much wisdom comes muchsorrow, the more knowledge, the more grief men I'll tell you something, God,God save me from trying to convince and alcohol Cofinsy smort God say me. I mean I spent eight yearson reallay with alcoholcs that thought they were smart if your so smart tan go out there andfear yourself. Why re you asking me? Why do you ask me how to do it and thentell me you don't think I understand you know I mean I mean wh. Why do youask somebody how to do it and then argue with them? So apparently, this first step is veryimportant because what it did is it pushed me to the point where I had noquestions, because I surrender that's what they called it. I surrender and you know, you're surrendering whenyou're doing shit, that you don't even want to do, and you don't evenunderstand why you're doing it, but you do it anyway, you Gonto a meeting andyou don't want to go to a meeting, but you' go ing to it. Anyway, you tell yousponsor to your dying and you need help and you have no money and he says Ithink it's about time. You make...
...coughein and you have no idea what he'sdoing talking about like you make coffee anyway, because you don'trealize he's actually by telling you to bake coffee, which is what we'resupposed to do. What God wants? U To do. He's asked you to be a maximum serviceon the me. You KDON' realize he's pointing you from the material to thespiritual. You know when my sponsor told me it' one month, sover- and Ithink I madt Hav mentioned this last week. If I did reputation is okay. Whenmy sponsor said to me last week of what I told him last weekwhen I was a month sober and I had no money and I hade a life and I thoughtwe were going to be avicted and I was sitting there and I was dying insideand I told about the money problem and I wanted to e- and he looked at me andsaid: I think it's about time. You started making coffee for the group. I had no idea what this guy was talkingabout. He could have been talking, Checkus Labakian to me. I I'm talkingabout money. I mean, I know it's not important. It's just right up therewith oxygen, I mean theres. Anything is good. I'm talking money, you understandwhat I'm saying I can tell you guys are probably very wealthy. You neverworried about money in your life, but I'm telling you I'm talking about moneyand bills and situations and he's telling me he says I think you'veprought. You need stop making Clouh for the Group and he marched me over this.You know what this that is. That's the second step in action when somebody tells you something thatyou think it's insane crazy will not help the situation and you follow themover the coffee pot. Anyway, that's coming to believe that their form ofInsanuday and some sort of power reater than you can repenat you that's somesort of faith wit without actually see without even underestanding a d. YouStart Making Hall and the next day. You don't want to goto me because you're depressed, because the money's gotten even worse, but youhave to go to the meeting because you have to make the coffee for the group.So you go to me an make the coffee, because you don't understand that if itwas only up to you, Youd stay home and kill yourself or drink, but the onething that you have going for yourself is you're, worried about what otherpeople might think about you so that same thing that nus to drive you todrink outside ae is now causing you to go to a meeting and make cofy, because because you're worried about what theywill think about you and what will happen? If you don't make you would youwould never see yourself, but you all of a sudden ar thinking about the otherpeople and what will they think about you and you have a responsibile, an yougot to thanke and so you'll go and you make the coffee and you do that forthree or four months, O five months or six months and all of a sudden, themoney comes in, and some guy comes up, O you and says I'll make the coffee-and you say, I'm the Poffee Nator who the hell appointed you. You know, andyou don't even know, what's going on and e the next twenty five years of mylife is me going up to my sponsor and tell them about a problem. I have enmaterial Fromi have with a wife with the kids with boys with the girls itcars whatever. It is the job and him saying to me. I think it's about time. You started sponsoring more people. I think it'sabout time. You started doing a step series. I think it's about time youstarted reading. I think it's about time. You start going o more mean. Ithink it's about time. You start making cough, though the grouph. I think it'sabout time. You started studying the Bible and read. I think it's abouttelling me insane stuff and then hear's what happens you start doing all thisinsane stuff and all of a sudden, you start feeling better. Now what are yougoing to do? Whan he starts saying every time you have a bad thought aboutanything anything say: God help me. God help me not to think this way. Godhelpe you not to think this much. What happens when you do that and guess whatand it works. What are you going to do that? Whathappens whit all this crazy shit that telling you you do it over and over andover again, and it works what happens when they tell you to turnit over and ask God to take care of it and stop worrying about it? Whathappens if it works? What happens when you do that for fortyyears, turning things over turning things,overr, turning these things over laybe, God have talking about God, thinkingabout God, praying to God getting up in the morning Han thinkg Ouot, makingthem the sential fact your life to the point where things have goten so goodthat you actually believe that God exists, he's as real as you and all youdo is think about Hem and talk about him and want to tell other people boutthem. Like thossand said the words mins are wonderful to you to me torn me ofthis tele he's goten talking about Him Anto. What happens when that happens,and you do it so much that all of a...
...sudden you're living a life of rigoroushonesty and you're, not turning your life over to God, anymore, you're, justliving a turned overlife. What happens when what happens whenyou're really screwed, where, after forty years of doing this stuff, all ofa sudden, you're starving to think the way, the old timeis thing, and you knowmore Wel, think to what you think and you find that your Rocketin, the fourth dimension ofexistence experiencing much of heaven and Experiencim te Joy Litt? What a eyou Gon to do that you going to tell somebody about it, you're going to mention in the stepseries wherere you gon to. Are you going to worry about what they'll thinkabout you, whether somebody won't like you? What happens if you lose the fear whetthe people like you, what happens if you're, not in bondedwhatev happens? If you don't care whether they don't like you? Whathappens if, if you don't is, if who you are, and what you are doesn't dependupon what Arit thinks about you? What Jessie thinks about what Clare thinksabout you? What if the only thing you care about is what God thinks about, then? What? If you believe that? What,if you like the big book, says in the big book it says he will give useverything we need if we stay close to e an performers worth well, and what,if you believe that your purpose on earth, your purpose is to try out tryto help other people by spreading this good news and telling them what they'reactually saying the big boot. What if the greatest time you ever havein your life, is talking to other alcoholics and tell him there's a wayout. You don't have to feel this way. This is how I got out, and you justlove talking about it. What are you going to do, then? You know yeah, it's real problem. IDidn' think it on it. So that's all I have to say next. Wewil talk about step. Three. Thank you.
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