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Episode · 6 months ago
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Episode · 6 months ago
Russell S. Step 12 at the Coral Room Zoom
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Hi Guys, my my name is Russel, I'm analcohol, Coud, Seeou guys and so we're on our last step. The twelve step- andI'm going to you know, is always something to talkabout something. I've never spoken about before something different. I'malways like experimenting to be. Like my Guitin pitk tonight, I don't Wlikt,you got uset. Well, you can get upset. If you want to it's your Alcoholi, it'syour Progat to get upset. I don't mean to upset you, you know it's justsomething that happens most of times. Whenever I speak, so I mean that's theway it is so I'm gonna, I'm gonna, just talk about a little aspect of step, twelve, which also has to do quite frankly withstep six which, quite frankly, also has to do ith, step seven, which is somehowconnected with step one. You know one of the problems is, is Iotheway, I said was an ALCOHOLC. I am an alcoholic. Bythew haven't found USSavadrad since jauary twenty nnine teen an eighty one. So here's a deal youknow when I've been doing these steps. For you know long time and when I first started doing them,you know they're sort of like so different than they're, so unusual andso counter Intutiv to the way. I think I don't take my inventory whenever I'mdisturbed. I take your inventory and I don't want to talk about me. I wantto talk about you and I'll be damped. If I'm going to write down stuff andI'm not going to forgive that guy because he's a son of a bitch- and heshouldn't have done that to me- I wouldn't have done it to him and andforget about the God thing got I stuff through with my life. Just give me agood looking, Lon than'll be okay or give me money, or something like that.I'm just none of these steps. There's nothing in these steps. For me, I'm notgoing to concentrate on helping other people, I'm a typical alcoholic,Indselfchon, the Extrem Oulin Im shit about myself when it comes right downto it, although I'm basically good boy, so the steps are distincted when youstart actually doing them when you start actually doing them. You're veryaware. You're doing that you'll say things just oh, lea you gotta sort of Mute Yoursel. Ican't compete with you. You got to put yourself on yout lamb thanks. So thebottom line is, is that you know when you're doing a inventory step. You knowwhen you're doing a third step. You know when you're doing in twelve step.You know you're very aware when you're working the steps Youd'l't even say Iwas working, the steps Tor, I did a third stepper. I did a second step forI get a force. I did a fit step. You Know Whan O, but as you do them overand over no O, Oh Oho, you develop a manner of living which demands rigorous sons. Youdevelop a manner of lit. They become second nature. Now what I say secondnature. I do mean second nature. You don't think about him. You justlive your life that woy you just live your life, you don't whole resentent,you just! I don't know how to explain it to you, but I went from a guy whohated everybody and couldn't forgive everybody, and I would forgive it thesmallest slight that happened the week before you know what I mean to somebodythat I really don't. Don't I don't know, there's probably there's probablypeople it should resent around me. Maybe hat somethin, I'm seventy to ehave some do with my spenility. I just don't remember I don't pay attention Yo,it's just nat. I do I do it so much this idea of of not caring resentments,not hating people loving on people. You know the way of life Le Hapvier itsjust something I developed over period of time, and I tell you what you evendevelop this way of life or you become a hurtinggator, because when they sayin the sixth step that in the sevent step, the way we get a new respectiveis by repeated humiliations and the...
...final prushing of our selvsufficiencythey're, not kidding, because when you try to live your life in this imperfect,crazy flipping world with crazy, selfish people all over the place, lotof moving parks a lot of stuff going on, and you try to live your life. If youdon't develop a manter of living which demands rigorous honesty and develop an unselfish way of living,you're going to be pissed off a lot you're going to be upset a lot you'regoing to be depressed, a lot you're going to be angry a lot and you'regoing to be an unhappy GIV. You bube saying things like that. Had A I had acrappy year, I've had a horrible day. I've had it. Your life is going tosometing time. Let me tell you something so you're even going to thinkinthis thing out an start living this life on a spiritual basis and you justGointa have a sucking life. Even if you don't drink it doesn't matter, you canbe thee, not draking club going to bejust Lov the sucking life. You won'tbe able I'll tell you what you won't be rocket in the POURT dovental rexistance.You won't be experiencing much of heaven ready of that stuff. So thebottom line is, is that and here's the Greatness Rato? This isit's possible to do this thin? You can't attaind it. You can do it ifyou're focused it. If this is what you want, you know it says when the whenthe, when the, when the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear if you wantwhat we have and you're willing to go to any lake toget it than you're readyto teach you're, not even ready to take the steps. Unless you develop a Weeg, agroup of people that you want what they have and you willing goo any lengt,togeter Youre, just win Ye go to have yotus to anything. To get that deal andand alcohols and Im just on to CE in the big book bill, Dohsan says this line in talkingabout Bill Wilson and Dr Bob. He said I was sober, but I knew there wassomething more something: a person ought to have a sort of release,happiness that I didn't have and I was trying to find the answer and bill.Wilson was at me house, and he said he said this. He said the Lord has been sowonderful to me. Turn me O this couble disease that I got to keep talkingabout and telling other people other people an and bill Dosen who had beenfollowing bill. Wilson said I've got the answerin called the Bonn. Dest killwas very, very grateful for what he had had happened, ome him and he gave allall all gratitude, all credit to God and that statement the word has been sowonderful Ma term, this double disease hat. I got to keep talking abouttelling other people. He said that was a golden text for and he followed billmost in a lit around, and I can tell you this over many. Many years, I can't tell youhow many times I would follow. Joenipe Bob Soliman Rao keep how how many timesI would follow old timers. You know around how many ta I can't Tall Yo howmany plancin tapes, how many Sandy Beach case. How many times I wouldlisten to people I would go. I would drive two hours to listen to a guy ifhe had what I wanted Roht- and this is after I'm, five six seven ten yearssober. I can't tell you how many times I would go to step series, and I wouldfollow guys in set series because I wanted what they had. It had nothing todo with drakan nothing to do with Drakin. I just wandered what they hadmost of the time. I didn't even know what they had. I didn't know they have,but I knew they had something because of their testimony, the way they spokeand the way they were. I wanted what they had. I was over five years. I wassober ten years, but I didn't have what they had. So I follow them around, andI remember I heard a guy want to tell me. The man and woman you'll be in thenext five or ten years will depend upon...
...you. People Y hang out with the books,you read and that's the deal. I would follow these guys around all over eplace because I wanted what they had. So what I want to talk about tonight, alittle bit on the twelfth step is, I don't know how many of you guys have asponsored a lot of men, a lot of stuff been doing this long time. I want totalk a little bit about something that so what are the things that happens?I'm sorry, let me is when you start doing these things over and over andover again, and they become manner of living, and it's like second nature, anyour life. Believe me. If I stop go OMEDANC, if I start putting the work init, I'll go back to my first nature at I want to do that. So I keep on doingwhat I need to do. One of the things I need to do is come to me like this andshare and try to see what the rink and help onther people by telling them myexperience. So the bottom line is once you startdoing these things a lot. you start seeing. Connections in both the readingH T there's a line I have for those who get my emails. You know. One of thequotes I have in my emails is from the Oxford Group and the Qoco somethinglike this. I'm doing it for memory, a Ma can see a thing, nine hundred andninety nine times and not notice it and notice it and see it the thousand timeand notice it for the first time. So, if you've been in Aa for a while, youunderstand that you can have a year suwriting, wor three months tobrietyand be sober and reading the Big Book, and at ten years, soriety notice asentence there or a line or paragrap and all of a sudden I pops out of youthiss relevant in your life, and you see it from the first ime. We all havethese like Aa piphanies. You know what I mean will be an amen, an somebody illsay something and it's something you've heard tenthousand times that went rightover your head and all of a sudden you hear it and ban allf sudden meansomething really special to you and one of the things that that youstart doing. Is you start connecting gots and the more you read t an themore you try to carry this message, the more you try to teach it and the moreyou try to help people, the more dots you connect and the longer sober, themore and the more. How do they say? You get a newperspective by repeating umiliations and the final Prussan, the more you'rehumiliat, the more you're beating Dhawn every time, I'm beating down every time I don't Necessari. Listen, Idon't know what kind of alcoholism you have, but I'm of the grave emotionallyindisturbed category. You understand. Other words. Listen, I spend money, Idon't have buying shit. I don't need to impress people, I don't like and Ido it over and over and over and over again I was a math major. I was goingfor my PhD and Alcbrery topology. When I was ten years sober and again I wasbroke because I was backstout in ever every credit card, and I asked mysponsor and I was HIV OP. I GOL IR MY PC and I askd my sponsor who was a postoffice worker at the time. Why was I always broke? He explain to me thatwhen you spend more money than you make you go into debt Rocher. Did you know that Ri just likelaughing at me like? Well, everybody knows that you know. Well, I didn'tknow that Roger Young Still, I'm saying I didn't understand that I was fortyone years old and I was a math major and I didn't know that if it's not whet,you make it's what you spent, and so I would buy a cadillac when really I canonly afford a Shep away, because somehow driving Ta Cadilacmaybe feel better and made me feel better, because when you're, I nothingand you're always going to be a nothing, and you got to put something in yourbody like alcohol to make ou into at...
...almost and almost the top of whenyou're constantly trying to do things. selfdestructive things to make yourselflook better or feel better on the inside. It doesn't work, whether it'salcohol or whether it's spending money or whatever it is so the bottom line is,is I have to I'm one of these guys? It's not like. I go broke once becauseI bought something I should have bought. I Didn' need to buy that watch. It'snot that I go. I go broke twice. I got to go broke for ten years ten thousandtimes and spend money before and B rehumiliated and go through all sortsof worry and repeat Humelia after repeated humiliation. For ten years.All of a sudden I wake up one day, and I say you know I think I think I'de beettergo on a cash basist and stop spendng all this money. I maybe I order youknow refrain from buying this stuff. You know know its I'm an alcoholic thatI don't change my ways: anduntil. It hurts a lot over a period of time andthen I start learning my lefs. So what happens is over period of timeas you go through these repeated humiliations and the final crushing ofyourself sufficiencty and if you happen at the same time, we Gong Aa and youhappen to be hanging around people that have surpassed, are Gong ahead and thatemotional and spiritual level you may find that you run into peoplethat become part of your wee. Where you say to yourself man. I wish I could belike Joe SNEITER. I wish I could be like rel keet. I wish I could be like John Blyn. You know you may find yourself sayingto yourself. I want what those guys have er those women have and I'll doanything to get there, and you may sit be saying that to yourself guess whatat Twenty Years Sober. I know we all think that the first stepis for people who are just trying to STOCP trate them right. What does itsay if you want what we have and a willing go to any lade, there's a stepbefore the steps? Isn't there? It's called the first as tet before thestaps is. If you want what we have and you willing go to any late to get itthen you're ready to tase you're, not even ready to take the steps, unlessyou want what we have on awilling to go to any lane to get it right. So youfigure out a wee you fogure out. I want what they have I'll go to any lengthtogeter and when you first come in the thing you want the thing I wanted morethan anything else is. I came here how many razor ad, how oil you get me here,because I couldn't stop drinking three people, four people. Okay, so Icame here because I couldn't stop drinking. You know what I wanted when Ican day. You know what I wanted. I wanted to stop drinking. I didn't want to stop spending. Ididn't want to stop foring around. I didn't want to stop. You know romancingwomen or flirting. I didn't want to stop doing. I wanted to stop drakingand I got around people who were not drinking and I wanted what they had andI was willing to go to any laye to get it. So I was ready to take the steps you got that okay, so great, and Istopp drinking okay. So that's great! So here's the deal most people thinkthe first step has to do with drinking and you would be incorrect if you thinkthat no, it doesn't and if you want to know why people drink again they drinkagain, because they think the first step has to do with drinking. Theythink it's all that there is drinking okay, but the bottom line is what Ifound is. The first step has to do with everything, because one of the thingsthat it says in the big book,...
...if I can find it, I got to try to findit. I just actually wrote it down here, so let me try to find it. Let me try to find this thing at. Iwrote down th here's this great men line. It's actually right in billsstory. I believe You'e ready for this. My friend had emphasized the absolutenecessity of demonstrating these principles and all my affairs what's that? What is that? Is that thetwelve step? Well, they talk about that in twelvestep, don't they! My friend, I emphasized the absolute necesstodemonstrate these principles. All my fairs, particularly it was imperativeto work with others, as he had worked with me, isn' that, like the twelve step faith without works as debt. Well,that's faith. That's like the third step in the eleven step, and all thoseother, but but faith without works is dead, dead, faith, Det thin, doesn't doany good and how importently true for thealcoholic for if an alcohol failed to perfect okay? Listen, it's not onlyhavying faith. You Gn have faith up the WAZOO. It'snot onlly having faith, it's not ie wo'r wit steps. You've got to you readyfor this get's, really bad. You have to perfect and enlarge your spiritual lifeto work and self sacrifice for others. You know what that means. That meansRad for this a kindly act once in a while. Isn't I'm not is, I know I knowyou're like me, I have about ten dollar bills in my car in a little trader. Whenever I cull up to a live andthere's a guy there, who's looking for money, I yim MA dollar. I never fel Lik,give him a doll, sometimes I'll give. My five depend on I mean I do I'm notpray, I'm just on you. I do that. You know what my bigbook says. It says a kindly act once in a while itain't enough it ain't enough and by the way, if you don't do that, I'm ashamed of you, but that's besidesforget about that. Don't worry! Don't get Hemsat for an alcohol failed toperfect and large is spiritual life through work and self sacrifice forothers. He could not survive the certain trials and low spots Ahad.There are tribs and little spots ahead for you guys and if he did not work hewould surely drink again. If he drank he would surely die, then faith woullbe den indeed with us. It is just like that if you see somebody drink whosobret Aa it's because they have failed to enlarge and perfect their spiritualexperience- and you may say to yourself well whyhave they failed to enlarge in perfect their spiritual experience? I'm goingto answer that question for you Pasandra. Have you ever asked yourself?Why did that person drink? Have you ever ans? As many hove youever asked differen so PA Ookay, I'm going to answer that question for you.Well at least I'm Gongta. Try Mo give you my theoria okay, so so inotherwords. Apparently one of the things I have todo is I have to enlarge my spiritual experience. I got to getClosto God, and you know what they say in the Big Bok you say want Tou makethat decision. For God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Being allpowful will give us everything we need if we stay close to em and perform hiswork. Well, because he is the father, we are his children, we have a newemployer, we have a new employer. We have a no employer, he's employing ushe's like we have a new job. We have a job, it's to be a maximum service toother people. It's Te love other people, it's the first Currintians thirteentthan that's what they said. They said...
...and talked about the good old times.The books that h t we found absolutely essential, was first toar, thenthirteent servont on the Bob Mount and the Book James and First Corenthians.Thirteen and the book of James and all that stuff, it's talking about lovingother people. We got a lot of people. You can have a connection with tot andand hate your brother. You can't you can't have a connection with God andhold hatred in your heart and for other people. You got Ta Love Him. You Got Ta,you gotta, you got ot and you almost can't force it. You might, you mighthave to take it until you make it, but somehow some way that thing has todevelop. So why Y so inother word's one of the things that has to happen. You KNON, remember old bill docks and Iwas talking about remember one of the things he said it's an alcohol soonnumber three you can check it out, for you can check it out. He said I knewthere was something more something I hadn't got. I knew there was a happiness these oldtimes. They had a happiness, they had a release, they had something person anto add. I was trying to find the answer now. You may find this hard to believe,but I don't think you will, because I this group is a pretty solid group.There are people that come ato Aa that actually t want to stop drinking thatstop drinking and you're ready for this you're ready it's not enough. They want more, they want more. There are people thatcome Adaya and they'll do anything to stop drinking. They want what we havethey'll do anything to stop drinking and they're ready to take certain stepsin the ready to do anything to stop drinking and they stopp drinking and it ain't enough it Ain' enough. They want more. I may be talking to some of thosepeople. You know I mean. Have you ever gone toa meeting to listen to somebody because you're saying maybe this guy may maybe I'll hear something? Maybethis guy has the answer youunerstand. You know, I know guys that have twentyfive years and they're following people around, because they say well, maybethis guy, because you know I know I got this. TII Haven't had a drinkit twentyfive years, but I want more because there's something missing youveer. Youknow what Giblson said you know I can tell spiritual Merson because they havespiritual dissatisfaction, no matter how much they get. They wantmore. They want to get closer, and so you know what happens they develop adifferent. We they develop another way. They go from one way. Listen, I hadincredible sponsors. I have incredels Mon. I love my sponse Ou. God bless Hem.They passed away. I have a new one. Now you know, but Oh my God, I love BobSullman by himself an sponsored everybody in the world an run aroundthe Planan. We go. We fot get drunk spring of the detots eve. I love BobSulivan, you know what I mean. I need Bob Sullivan Obselvin past women hadseven years with the Jose Nider. Oh Man, incredible big book, Otopor Love, Godor a big book stup or really something unbelieveable. I Love Them. I love thegreatest guy in the world. He I have stories about he's the one who saidyou're upset because you're upsetable unbelievable. I still talk about him. Istill steal his lines. I tell stories about him, but you know some. He diedwhen I had eleven or twelve or thirteen years sober and then I met John Plan,an a Bible study and John Glen. He was a baptist preacher at Wastea n. Thebibly knew the Bagin back an Sufort. He a like sixty years. I love John Dan. Ilove John Liclasen for like fifteen years and then he died and Rao Keeth. Ilove drug and each sponsor along the way. You know where to have each one ofmy wees that I put in my Wei. Each one had sobriety, plus they had sobrietyplus something more than I didn't have that I needed the time. I pray that youalways wherever you are, whoever you...
...are. You always have somebody in frontof you. You always have somebody in front of you say man. I want the TBATguy. Has you fall that guy around you know? I want it that you're gonna beyou'R gonna, be like stocking stock that sucker, you know what I mean. Stopthat sucker yeah, I'm telling YOU TO SA fit. I know I can tell the stockers,you know what I mean the twirling knives and all that the psychotic stuff.You know, stock the storters. You know you stalk that o stock that sobriety,because you want what they have and you only got anyway. Together you show uptheir house with a giant butheur. Not You know you put, it is won. You tellhem better, give it t give it up. Give it up. I want that deal, don't playgames with me. You know what I mean: Ask don't e Astually, don't listen tothis stuff. I don't o know because you know I don't want to get you all crazy.You know, but that's that's the Bombo. You do that stuff. So so here's thedeal we're all constantly doing the first step. If you ain't doing thefirst step, if you're not expanding your deal, if you're not looking forthat next person that next deal you're just getting ready to drink ogain, youdon't even know it. You know why, because you're resting on your lauelsyou're resting on your lorels, you know you know you're, saying you're doingyou know what they're saying you know w at the six that says it says the menwho are doing this thing are trying repeatedly over a lifetime to grow anthe images like this of their creator. It's a lifetime job. You know where itsays the guys whore going to lose our they're, the guys that settle theysettle they're 't they're, not in the rocking in the fourth metion existence,bub they're in the not drinking club you know and a hay there's anotdrinking. They get all excited out, people not drinking. They say things like get off my back.You know my Bhak. I've already been to me. Believe me, I'm not having Idrinking ten years get off my back. I Dont Yo feel like driking. You knowthey get pissed off. If you suggest think. If Ou you do more okay, so solisten! So here's the deal. So I I was sponsoring a guy who happens tobe God bless Hin. You have to be sober. Mane he's probably said twenty yearsover now, but when I first started sponsorn him and he was another lawyerand he and he was a very successful o very nice guy. I love the Guy, stilllove my school sponsor, but e any so many years so sometimes takes got aprime, the pump and Eten. I Remember One day: He tells this story in his ownstory. He got about you know two or three months to bride ye had about twoor three months of Ryme, and I brought him to meet Raok. Who has many meknowswas servic week. A wonderful guy was a mentorof mine, but we went to meet forto have a state have a stag over Shulas restaurant and I want him to meet myfriend and you know what three months and I sponsy and we went over there tomeet them and I'm sitting there talking to okay for probably out about thirtyyears at the time, and I think I had about five or six years of the timethis gatered up three months, whatever it was see eight times and I'll, keepus talking, O me and the guys talking and O'keeth looks at me and says thefollowing: I'm just telling you what he says he says and the guy is sittingright there and I'll kee says to me. He said Syou, don't rush Yo wasting hetop of this guy and stopp ing to stop drinkng the guys got like three months. Hesetting right next to me. He's got three months he's sitting right next tome he was talking O Ke. He says Russya wasting time of this guys not going tostop drinking and e In't. He wouldn't stop drinking.How did O ke see that, and I didn't see that okay, so I woke up this morning yeah I woke up this morning and I hadsomething on my mind and I started thinking about this thingI had on my mind, so I had to write it...
...down, so I wrote it down and it had todo with the twelve sted andit had to do with sponsoring people and it had to do with WHO's going tomake it and who's not going to be, and so I said this thing I just had towrite it down. It was just drive me crazy. You know, sometimes you writethings sound, so I'm going to read, I said well, I must I guess, I'm supposedto share this tonight, Wel yeahand. We could sort of think about this and youcould think about this. I tried to put it in chat, but you know this group isvery controlling. You know what I mean. I hope I don't hurt. Ther feel I hope Iheard the feel they're very controlling very nice. You know, I understand theywant to stop crosstack, so they disable chat. So you guys can't see, Olen can see it, but he's the only onewho can see it, but I I might put it in my email test time.You guys a get email, so I'm I'm just gonna. I call the next front toier, butI'm going to read it to you, I'm going to read it slow and I'll. Read it again,because I want to think of Hout. It says for those of you who aresponsoring people for those who you who are trying tohelp people for those of you who are beingsponsored Thir's a little something for you tothink about thinking about the first step. Thinking about the six step, thinkabout the seven step, thinking about whether you're ready or not ready- and this is what I think I'll keep wastrying to tone. You cannot carry a message of God'sgrace to a man or a woman who only wants physical sobriety once they achieve physical sobriety. Now now let me tell you this is there'san old tone that says all generate. All general generalizations are dangerous,including this one. Now I know this is a generalintation, but I watchbut, Iwatch ythe, listen to the thoughts behind it. You cannot carry a messageof God's grace to a man or a woman who only wants to stop drinking once they achieve physcal subrite unless he or she hears or sees throughyour testimony and behavior something beyond not drinking something they wantand need to have and will do anything to achieve it. They will not be readyto listen to you or do those things you suggest. You know that te AA is loaded withpeople that are sober that are not draking. I Call Hem Ha nontraking Buk.Now the truth is I'm not putting them down because every you know therere twodoors in e, there's the not drinking door and there's thousands and millionsof people in front of that and H. There's the rocket in the fourthdimention D. There's like three people in front of that one. You know what Imean everyone until while somebody goes from the not drinking door to therocken in the fourth dimension door they cross over. You know what I meanthey want more, but most people are just perfectlysatisfied with nauntry. You know they just don't want to doanymore, ork, they don't they're, not here for extra credit. You know, I knowin the big book that says we encourage Church membership they're not into it.You know what I mean they're going to try. Do this thing their way, so here'sthe deal thenre I into the exrapren unless hers she hears her sees throughyour testimony at the Ag- is something beyond not drinking something they wantand need to have and will do anything to achieve. They will not be ready tolisten to you or do the things you suggest. It's just true. You try. Youtry to push an alcoholic uphill when he doesn want to go upthill. It Ain'tgoing to happen unless he wants what...
...you have. You know you're going to hear a lot ofthings like you, don't understand, you're, going tohear a lot of you, don't understand, er, I'm different or get off my back oryou're going to be saying things I don't understand. Why doesn't Myesponsy call me an you're, not goingto seehm an means hedoesn't wan what you have. He doesn't want wit, any of us. You understandWHATI'm, saying because he's not draking, okay sa it says so it sayssomething that unless here she heres receives through your testimony orsomebody else's behavior Bein, something beyond not drinking somethingthey want and need to have and was waiting to achieve. They will not beready to listen to you or do the things you suggest. These are things that yousuggest that are uncomfortable but necessary to move spiritually forwardbecause they won't do it because they've already achieved that whichthey desire, not drinking, not drinking, and you got to Caime people in theerwill tell people that as long as they don't drink, that's fine. They don'tneed to do anything else. Let me tell you something: You got gazillion oldtimers that Tay put the plug the drug. Forget the God thing dont, whereas youdon't drink your okay. There are a lot of people in Aa that will tell peoplethat as long as you're, not drinking everything's fine, you know they'lltell them D if you're that persuasion, where you want to believe that that'sthe way it's going to be me, they are not interested in what you have but are instead now interested inobtaining those things they once had or were chasing before physical sobriety. You see there are a lot of people thocome in here and they get sober and then I'm interested in what you have very look before I got sober I was. Iwas a lounge lizard. I was chasing women. Ichanged them. I chanse them. I chased them everyones, while qaught one andchase them some Orrang at. I was chasing money. Maybe I here ever chasemoney. I was chasing position. I was chasing Romaine, I was chasingsex. I was chasing material things, cars,vacations. Anybody ever chased material things I don't know tell aloholism HAVP.You know something it's hard to give that up. Isn't it. You know what it's like when you're,not drinking and you're hanging around day, you're still chasing. All thatShit, it's pretty Shitty, isn't it. You spend a lot of time with responsortalking about her talking about him. Talking about your job. Talking aboutyou, boss, talking about the money talking about you spend a lot of timetalking about how terrible it is to live Alife when you're chasing all thisstuff. You don't have it. You understand, you know what I meanTir. Really it's a horrible deal. So what happens is- and you knowsomething it takes I'll. Tell you about. I Gott Tel about me. It takes a long D,that's the real alcoholism that chasing all the idols in thisworld and all the things of this world and lusting after those things, lustingaf those things needing those things that chasing that stuff man. That's USan God. Let me tell you something: You can stop drinking your lust foreverything around you. The fact that you need this and you need that if youdon't have to be okay and if you lose it, you feel sorry for yourself thatdoesn't go away just because you put the plug of the Jug. You know somethingit doubles. An effort you know something that thing will cause: Ouyou'll, be an handto handcombat with this world and the people in this worldchasing that Shit. That's the real APCLE, that's the alcoholism you hadbefore you started drinking. That's how call to you lism Youhad, when you eredrinking and you're still gone. That's what you're working on that's the thing!That's only cured by a spiritual...
...experience and o'm going expandingspiritual experience, you will have a miserable life and the bottom line is because syou'llbe chasing the women and chasing the romance and T, and you knowwe had tomake everybody else's like I you'll be on your fourth, an fifth divorce orsomething like that, it won't be going well for you. You know that thing thattakes a long time to get rid of. Well, there's a lot of people tot come intohere and they stoppe the dranking and theypretty much think that they're self satisfied. They think, that's it andlet me tell you something they run around. Looking for anything else, youknow what now that they're, not drinking. You know what they're doingthey're looking for the Gow they're looking for the guy they're looking forthe car they're looking for the boat they're, looking for the string ofPollar ponies, they're looking for the mansion they're, looking they'relooking for the bullshit, you know w. At I mean they don't want what what you,what you have they want, what they had. They want what they were chase. They AFthem before they haden't Gen here, and they would somehow sidetrack they're,like there you're digging their tunnel out of the jail trying you're trying todo their best to get as much money as possible and are's much things aspossible, so that they could do is go, do go to fuer meetings and still feelgood because they ain't looking for the spiritual side of this deal. So the bottom line is: is that they'renot interested in what we have they're interestid? What we had, and you know,sometin you're not going to be auble with Teforce Hem you're, not G, be ableto force them to desire. If you want, if you wantwhat we have and a winly go to anlanth Togethir, I can do a lot of things. Ican't force somebody o desire what we have listen. I can tell my story: Theycan go in and they can see other people they might they it's a programmattraction they may be attracted. It may not be attractid what I have. Theyneedt be attracted whith meal ass, but what Mitchhas, with John as or whatUstil has, or you know, sod what cholley has what dawn has or I needthathey may be attracted they made mean Ala, stard, say man. I Wont Wat thatGuy A or Cassi I wan wout they have, but I'm gong to tell you something ifall they want is to stop drinking. That's IT and stay out of my sex lifeand stay out of my spiritual life and stand on my religious liveans out of mymoney, like Benn, expanding nothing, an taintfollowing nobody and they don't need a sponsor. Why do they need o sponsorthey're sponsoring themselves? And so one of the things that I had torealize with the twelve step is number one. I have to do it no matter what, but my success of twelve step doesn'tdepend upon whether all of a sudden, a light goes on intheir eyes and its. Oh, my God. Thank you Russell and everything like thatand I fell. You doesn't depend upon that. My job is to just be availableand not impose myself on people but expose myself to people to do what I'mdoing here. You know, and and sometimes when somebody s Yand, it's very nicewhen people say that ice things, Russ really helpd me out. You said thatwon't Yo hell me out it's nice to know because it's nice to know, I'm not thatnecessarily wasting my time there as some people hearing stuff, but I knowbecause I've dealt with enough people that I I could give the greatest pitchin the world to somebody and they look at me. Like I'm stupid, you know what Imean or better. Yet what I use an get. Is They hate my guts? You know I get alot of guys to come up and say you Dow'T. I used to hate you, but now Ilove you. I USD to listen to all you STA here. That's you know I love them.The bottom line is, is the bottom? That's my job is not to get peoplesover. My job is my job is to try to carry a message. The message of my Ownsri and message ofGod's Torace and get this my job is to try to carry the message. My job is notto carry the message.
I used to think my job is to carry themessage now. I leave this room where you guys riund, I'm Gonto go to anotherMeenin try to carry a different message. It's the same message, God's grace, butI'm gongna leave this room and I get a tell phone call say Russ. I don't knowwhat you said at that meaning, but every til I thin that meaning rightafter they got off. Mewe went out and drank that drun. So I have no idea what the hell yousaid to most people, but they all drea. You understand what I'm saying nobodyand I said. Well, that's not my problem, that's not not not! My problem on. Youknow what I mean, because all because you know my job is not to carry themessage. My job is to try to carry the this and what that means is. I know that wasprobably the worst twelve stet meaving. I did at the call Gables Group tonight, but let me tell you something: It wasthe best twelve thap mating. I could do that night. So if my job is to try tocarry the message, let me tell you something I did the best I could and ifthey all got dragked, I'm Gonto they all got drunk lendon die, that's gods,but whether my message carries with Evertingal Person. You know because youknow something. I don't know what big book it says there is one who has allpower that Wat is God they have. It doesn't say: God has nine nive percentof power. Russ, I'm giving you one percent. I have no power to keep yousober, wer ton like me or not like me, or get what I'm saying or not get whatImen. I don't even know what you're hearing I mean if there's like what isthere seventy six people of this meaning, you know Hi Sen, there'sseventy six people meeting Hearin, seventy six different things. If we, ifwe took you aside after the meeting and we started putting Mike on you so whul,you hear there be seventy six people saying all SOCs of crazy stuff andprobably ten percent of them would actually get what I was saying right,youwould be here and you probably her some really good stuff. You'd say some.Oh, we said this that I didn't even say, but that's what you heard the bottomline is my job is to get out there and try to carry the message and if I happen to be around somebody,who's ready to hear the message so that it helps him out then get this. It'sGod that's doing it. But I get the credit. You understand what I'M SAYING:IWAS! Oh Russellelp, that's nothing to do with me. You know the on. I did myjob, I went in there and I did with the Lord and told me a Dihe said goingthere and try to help other people, because you love them and you're, sograteful o being sober and the Lords been so mone. For me, you got to keeptalking about telling other people, and you know some. They go out o they ohwith they, and then somebody gets ober and everything like that and I can'ttake Creda for it. I never. I would never. Oh my God, I would never takeCredi for anybody's sobrie. You know something when people say that Oh I gota great finyea. I almost feel guilty. I feel like I have to apologize to God,because I I stold something you know ifyou'll never hear me say I did thisrig, it's all dod, I'm always pointing Toi. That's the deal so you know, butthe point is we have Tho, you want to stay self and keep on doing you got ta.You Got Ta, that's what I gotto do that's my job. My job is to be is to be as much service I can to otherpeople and hope o other people, and as a result of that, I keep on getting this profoundpersonality change, see I get payment. I get paidment for this deal. I knowwhet you guys, listen wheer! You Gut here's a great thing, whether you guystrint or not or genthing, out of it I get paid anyway. I don't Cete, I don'tit's not like a commission, I don't get a COMMIS. You know I mean it's not like.Well, three people stay soar. One person is not going a bibles Si. Whatpes is so you'R permission, I'm get, I'm go I'll, get Thatt, not the deal Iget paid in full wheher, you guys get sober, and what do you do that I getpaid in full, whether you because syou want to know something. Here's the realdeal.
If I was actually worried about whethersomebody whene of you guys is going to drink or not, I wouldn't be able to carr the message. I'd be sitting there worrying about.Well, I don't understand, what's nicky going to think about me if I say this,what's the needed thinking about me? Well, what's Roger Thinkir Abot, whatDanuel Gonto think about I'd be worried about what you were thinking about mewhut, you gonna. I mean if I start worried about that stuff man, I'm no,I'm not suine to start sucking on the Moz little gun that I'd be right backto the way I was forty years ago were in Wato what people think O. I don'twant to lose that stuff. I like that. I, like that fear. I like that, takingaway that fear of people and Echonoi, I like not having fear of people, I likejust speaking my mind and let the Lord take over and say what I'm Oul say: LetJup what Wull they make and let him do his job. That's how I want to do it.You know what I mean and you know now now I have another spot to I want. Whatdo you has I'm always looking for Thep, I'm always looking for people indcircumstances that had something to teach me. That's why I go t. Why do youthink I go to bibles? I go to two Biben Studis. I go. I go to to fame studiesand TI doall. Why dyo? Because I want more, why did you Guy Ko much stay inthe bottle, O Aus? I want more. You know people say I'm spilitual andee religion says: Hey Fantastic, I'm spiritual and religious. Why would you your spiritual, not religious, gotBlessou, I'm spiritual and religious? How about that? You know what I mean. Iget thewhole deal non okay, so God bless you. Thank you very much.
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