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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 10 months ago

Russell S. Step 11 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 11 from the Coral Room Zoom March 12, 2021

Hi everybody. My name is Russellspats. I'm an alcohol member the South Dinxia Room and it's pleasure and privilegeto be here. You know I, some of you guys know, Igot my second Maderna shot yesterday morning and the in the side effects have kickedin, so I feel like I have a mild taste of the flu.So if this doesn't, if this, this eleventh step, doesn't rocket youinto the fourth dementia of existence, I'M gonna blame it on the pandemic.I'm pretty much blame in everything on the pandemic these days. I'm taking noresponsibility for any of my actions, but I'm going to do the best Ican. Okay, so I'm going to talk to them about the eleventh stepand I listen. I haven't found necessary have a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. It's not a record round here,but it's a record for me and this is all about my experience,strength and hope. So you don't have to agree with any of this stuff. I'm going to just do the best I can to share what's happened tome in my journey from a man who believed in sex, drugs and rockand roll to a man who's on a completely different path these days. Sogetting I'll get into a little of that. You don't have to buy into anyof this stuff. You don't have to feel threatened, you don't haveto get mad and anything I said, it's not my intention to hurt anybody'sfeelings. It's sort of naturally happens whenever I talk. Not My not myfault. You know, don't take it too seriously, rules sixty two.Don't take yourself too seriously and remember, no matter what I say that andpissing you off, I'll probably change my mind by the end of the meaningsay what did I say that? Anyway. So they it's only an AA meeting. You know we're not. You know we're not going to war here. So I'm just going to I'm going to suggest a few things that youmake that I've sort of picked up all the last forty years. You know, there's a line I have. Any of you guys get my email,you know, one of the lines of my email from the Oxford group saysa man can see something, can see a thing, nine can be confrontedwith a thing or see and thought the thing nine hundred and ninety nine timesand not see it and see at the thousandth time and all of a suddensee it. And that's the you know, it's like when the pupils ready toteach her appears. My experience and alcoholics anonymous has been aligns and paragraphs, sentences that are in the big book that I read over and over andover again. At Twenty Years Sobriety, I read it and all of asudden I understand it, or at least I see something else in it forthe first time. For the first time. One of the things I have tounderstand there is there is a possibility, a possibility now that this disease mycenter in your mind, not your body. You understand what I'm saying. Most of the stuff I get and I hope it's true and you cancall me on it. Side. Most of the stuff I'm given to youyou'll find authority for it in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the twelveand twelve or Dr Bob in the good old timers. So though it's I'mnot dishing out anything. You're in talent your own opinion. Not until yourown facts I'm not telling you anything that either I haven't experienced in my lifeor I haven't seen out of the big book. And so I'm not goingto talk about drinking because drinking, trust me, is not the problem.I don't know how to solve a drinking problem. I can't help you withthe drinking problem. I can express. I can tell my drunk a lotto somebody if they want to, if they come to the point of theirlife but they're entirely ready to get rid of the drinking. They'll get soberaround me while I'm telling my mom fel stepping them and I'll start thinking ithas something to do with me, because I gave such a great lead orsomething. But basically, people ultimately end up getting stover, staying sober andliving an incredible life to the extent that they want to do it. Youknow, a Lincoln said most people feel as good you know. Basically,most people feel as good as they want to feel. You know, theybasically you know you get to a point. You know that. The truth ofthe matter is I've spoken the many, many men and give them my bestaa talking to possibly imagine, and they sort of walk away from thedeal. I don't take it personally. They're just not ready. And thenthere are other people. They're ready. You can say anything to him andthey're coming to a they're going to do things. So that's been my experience. Okay, it has is it has...

...more to do with where you're atand what I said. If God will, if God, if the word Godchases you out of alcoholics, anonymous, you and I were suffering from adifferent disease, or at least let's say this way. Nobody was goingto chase me out of alcoholics and office. I had drank my life into thetoilet. I was thirty one years old. That though, my lifewas over. They were probably talking about God. They were probably talking abouta lot of things. If you need an excuse to get out of athere's plenty of guys that will give you an excuse to get out of A. A. I don't know where you're going. I know where you're going. You don't have to drink again, and then you'll crawl back in ifyou're still alive, and it won't bother you anymore. You'll start doing whatthey tell you to do. You'll start following directions. So let me talka little bit about what the eleventh step is and what it means to me. I've actually changed in the last forty years plus. So I'm at they'recon person than I was when I walked in. So in order to talkabout the eleventh step, I'm going to talk a little bit about the problem. Now. I'm solution Orient Okay, I'm a solution oriented guy. Idon't want to deal with the thumb sucking crybabies. I want to talk aboutsolutions. But you can't really get to the solution until you understand the problem. You got to understand the problem first and once you understand the problem youhave a shot and understand the the solution. Okay, the first step and gogetting out of jail is knowing you're in jail in the first place.Okay, so most people finally come to alcoholics anonymous when they realize that they'rein an alcohol jail. You, they're in a jail and in bondage andthey're powerless over alcohol and they think like I thought. Most people think thatthe problem is drinking alcohol and you might have to be set sober several monthsor years before you realize that you're insane, before you start really understanding what thesecond step means when it says you can be restored to sanity, sayingpeople, people who are sound of mind, do not need need to be restoredto sanity. Does that make any sense? Now let's if you don'tunderstand that, it's it's going to take a much longer time to talk toyou and I don't have time to talk about that now. But Trust me, if you have a problem with me calling you and saying you know,whenever you disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong we do. So talk to your sponsor about to put me on the list or something. Just another reason you'll have to deal with. But in any men,the truth of the matter is ultimately through the foid, ultimately when you puta plug in the jug and you stop drinking. What I have discovery isover forty years, over repeated humiliations and the final crushing of our selfsufficiency andnoticing that life is a humbly and experience it and the unmanageability of my thoughtlife and the craziness I occur I I get into. It occurs to mesomewhere down the road that there might be something wrong with my thinking. Theremight be something wrong with my thinking. I mean I don't want to hurtanybody's feelings. I mean I can tell this group this is like the men'sof alcoholics. Anonymous, I'm talking, comes up to the Albert Einstein's alcoholics. Anonymous, and I understand that you're smart and there's I'm not calling younames, but there's a possibility that in some small way there might be something. I love that story on page thirty. Bother, they talk about Jim andsay Jim was a wonderful, wonderful guy. He had a wonderful,wonderful business, he had an incredible wife, an incredible war record. You know, he was liked by everybody. He was incredibly intelligent in all respects. He was perfect except for a slight nervous disposition. And there's a possibilitythat if you're an alcoholic, you might be perfect at all regards, butyou might be suffering from just a slight nervous disposition. You understand you mightbe. Might not realize if I just be nervous about a bunch of things. My sponsor once told me when I was ten years sober and I wasworking the steps, I thought I got son of a bitch. And whenI told him about why I was upset, he explained to me that why Iwhy I thought I was upset, was not why I was upset,that I was actually upset because I was upsetable. I forget. I learnedthat. So he told me that when I was ten years Ober, thatI was I was upset because I was,...

I don't words. I was upsetwith life. You see, it's not that my life sucked, it'sjust that I suck at doing life. You, I'm said, said,I just suckered doing life, that's all, and I'm doing the best I canwith what I got. And my sponsor once asked me why do you, why do you do the things you do? Why do you say thethings? Just saying, I told him, I said, I said, well, that's just my person I said it in a proud way. Isaid that's just my personality. I was proud of my personality. And mysponsor said, well, Russell, let me tell you something. Your personalityis killing you. So how would I to be? How would you liketo get rid of the drink and be sober for a year sober? Youknow what I mean. And how your sponsor tell you your personality is killingyou. You know what Doctor Young told Roland has it. When Roland hasit, put himself in treatment for like a year or six months and anyoneout, he started drinking again. He went their. Roland Hazard, WHORollan has it? What the Doctor Young, Call Young, one of the greatestpsychiatrists in the world at that time, and he said, is there nohope? What's the problem? And Young said to him, he said, listen, you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have.I'm the greatest psychiatrist in the world and I am never been able to helpanybody when that state of mind exists, such as in you. He says, is there? Is there no hope? He says, Oh yeah, hereand there, once in a while these people turn around. They completelyturn around. You're reborn, he says, he said, he said I theyhave a Jessee. Got To turn off your deal. They have apsychic experience, a psychic change, a substantial psychic change, where ideas,emotions and attitudes, which are, I the guiding forces of their lives sopush the one side and they become they become dominated by a whole new setof ideas, emotions and attitudes. Now I can tell you this. Icame to alcoholics anonymous. I admitted I was palace over alcohol. My lifewas unmanageable. I didn't want to drink again. So to that extent,I became entirely ready to do whatever I had to do in order to stopdrinking, which was a major change. But if you think for one secondthat major change had anything to do with my lust for women or sex,Romance, or my concern about money or concern about things, or what myhouse looked like, or getting a car or prestige or what you thought aboutme or being successful, you would be wrong. You know. If youthought for one second my getting to my knees and seeing the third step prayergot me to the point where I was completely focused on God and he becamethe centerpiece of my life, you would be wrong about that, you know. So here's what I want to do. I want to talk about the problem. Why do alcoholics have such a problem with spirit, with believing inGod? Why do people in a meetings? By the way, we have awonderful fellowship. It's a great fellowship. I love our fellowship. It's bythe way. I'm not hurting anybody's feelings. But I want to something. Aa is not a fellowship. It's not. You did not join.Well, people's anonymous. UN said you did not join. Well, people'sanonymous. Okay, there are millions of people in AA, at various pointsof sobriety, that have a lot of opinions, a lot of prejudices,and most of us, most of us, according to the big book, Ballkat doing this. We really don't want to do this stuff. Andyou want to know something. Not only don't we want to do it ordo it as little as possible, we don't want alcoholics, listen to me, don't like being told what to do. I'm not talking about you guys.I know you guys are very willing and open minded, but most alcoholicsdon't like being told what to do. You know what they say. Thechief characteristic of alcoholics are defiance. So you know, if you understand that, you're going to understand the problem. I'm going to read you a coupleof things from the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous. So, no matter howbad this thing is, you get a little actual Aa. So letme read you a few things, a little, a couple of things fromdifferent chapters. Is the big book. Okay, it says the great factis it's it talks about being rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence and weexperienced much of heaven and we've been rocking in the fourth dimension. Well,I don't ask this question really. How...

...many people would like to be rockingin the fourth dimension of existence? Want Three people? That may be.That may be the first problem. You know, five people? Five wegot? We got sixty two people, and six people want to be rockingin the fourth dimension existence. The rest are are that. You know,the six step talks to. You know the six step talks about. Ittalks about the separation between the men and the boys. The men are thosewho are doing whatever they can, repeatedly over a lifetime, so they cangrow in the image and likeness of their creator. You know what? Who? You know how it describes the boys. The boys or the girls are thosewho are willing to settle. Settle for less, settle for less.They're willing to settle for merely not drinking. Settle for merely not drinking and havinga husband or wife. Settle for merely not drinking, having a husband, wife, a few bucks in the bank and a house. Settle forhaving a husband or a wife, a little romance, little sex, afew bucks in the bank and, you know, get to go on vacation. That's what the six step says. It says there's the man in andthe women who try to grow in the image and likeness of their creator,and that God becomes the centerpiece of their lives and they're absolutely convinced that helives in their hearts and minds, which in the way, which is thedeed, miraculous, and he's doing for them when he can't do for himself, for themselves, that they that they above everything, they want to getrid of this selfishness. They know if they don't get rid of it,it will kill him and they know that only God will make that possible.So they make a sincere decision for God, and it says once we make thatdecision, being all powerful, God will give us everything we need ifwe stay close to him and performs his works well, and now we mustsee to it thought that are spiritual connection with God is right and everything willwork out for us. I'll tell you what it says. It says,even if you don't know the founders, it says that because they can't controlthat you can read about them. It says God's in control about that andyour real reliance must always be in God. He will show you how to createthe fellowship we pray. You know. That's it says. It says seeto what your relationship with him is. Writing. Great events will come topast you and God those others will be with you in the fellowship ofthe spirit. By the way, the entry fee to get into the fellowshipof the spirit is this is different than the membership requirement of alcoholics and oneness. I mean there's a membership requirement. The only part membership is a desireto stop drink. You don't have to have an honest desire, I justwant to stop drinking. Once you stop drinking, you're fine. But thenthere's something called the fellowship of the spirit. That's a whole different deal in thehalf. So let me read you a couple of things here and thereare some people that don't want to do that. They want to you know, they're into all the other stuff, that just not into God's stuff.You know, that's okay, you know it's a free country. Then I'muntil the that kind of spirit. They want to get crazy about this thingsays. The great fact is this, and nothing less, that we havehad deep in effect of spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards life, towards our fellows and towards God's universe. The central fact of our lives today, the central fact of our listen the set. I want to repeatthis just in case you missed it. It's possible for an alcohol to readsomething and missing. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certaintythat God, and I say God because they spell created with a capital city, means divinity. The central fact of my life today is the absolute entitythat my creator has injured into my heart and to my life in a waywhich is deep miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish things for me which Ican never do for myself. And if you're a seriously out the hulk asthey are, you know what they say. There's no middle of the roadue solution. But what happens if you're a like a middle of the road typeof guy? I'm like a middle of the road type of guy. Whathappens if you you know, I know they say. You know. Youwere out a new basis the base of trusting and relying upon God. Butwhat if you don't want to get fanatical about this thing? You don't wantto do it that way? You know I mean. I'm an alcohol all. I've got my program. You've got good program. You know what aboutthat deal. So let me read you this. This is in chapter tothe agnostics. If a mere code of...

...morals. By the way, thisis our basic text. Let me stop here for a second'm ansome, thisis our basic text. As every anybody ever been to an AA meeting wheresomebody apologizes for talking about God? Never heard say say something, look,I'm sorry to time that God and apologized for it. Have you ever hada feeling at a name that you shouldn't mention the word God, you shouldsay higher power because you might offend somebody? Be Honest, if you ever satamong alcoholics at an amy? Have you ever been to a meeting wherethere's twenty people and they talk all about their problems, they talk all abouttheir issues, they talk about alcohol, but not once do they mention Godor prayer or faith? You ever had that happen? You ever get thefeel and a meeting that it's not really polite to talk about God. Yetyou ever have a sort of feeling in your mind sort of like, Idon't know, like a schism, like sort of some sort of sky psychoticbreak where you see God on the wall and you see God in the traditions. They see God in the steps and you read God in the book,but somehow you sort of leave that we're not supposed to be talking about Godbecause you might hurt somebody. Have I heard somebody's feelings? You never getthat feeling. You ever actually sort of things yourself? I think there's somethingwrong here, something doesn't make any sense. The textbook talks all about God andsays God is the answer and talks about God and I'm scared to talkabout God. Are Even mentioned him at this meeting? They tell me Ishouldn't mention it. Let me ask some you know what? You know whatthat does with alcoholics? Do you know what that does without pholics? Whenyou, when you're when you have a book that says there is one whohas all power and that one is God, may you find him now, now, when I'm done with this, I want you to look up inthe dictionary the word now. I know you guys are pretty smart, youknow what I mean. Anybody you know Edward, I know you think thisis funny. Okay, I'm taking it so long. I want you tolook up the word now, because back in the old days, between thirtyfive and thirty nine, you couldn't go to a meaningless you got down atyour knees in front of about twenty people and gave your life to God.That's just a fact, because they meant now. They meant now. Itwas very clear when they went down. When you came to the alcoholics,anonymous, you are clear what these guys were all about. There was noquestion. Did some people walk out your but the people that stayed, Imean they were pre qualified. They met. Now there is one who has allpower. That one is God. May you find him now. That'sthat's just what it says. Hey, that's a big book of alcoholics,anonymous. Listen, it's gets better than that. It says you're ready forthis. You ever hear this? It says we're on the new basis oftrusting you, relying upon God. We trust the infinite God instead of ourfinite selves. We never apologize for God. We never apologize for God. Allmen of faith have courage they trust their God. We never apologize forGod. Instead, we let him demonstrate in our lives what he could dofor us. Never read. You know that's in. That's in the basictextbook about alcoholics, anonymous. You know what happens when you do draw joina group of people like the current Aa and you have a textbook that talksall about God and giving your life to God and finding God now and youhave a fellowship that says don't do that and don't mention it. You knowwhat that causes? You're ready for this. It causes something called doubt. Doyou be t it causes something called doubt. You know what? Whenyou're an alcoholic and it's telling you to turn your life over utterly, abandonyour life to God, and you're in and you're listening to a group ofpeople that are saying, do not do that. You can be an atheistand a doesn't matter. Do not do that, you know what that does. That works against you're doing what is necessary to be rocketed into the fourthdimension of existence. Because that's the second problem with alcoholics. You see it, and one of the one of the things that said in the twelve andtwelve. If you understand anything about our DIS ease is a lesson or untiland alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, his sobriety will be precariousand of true happiness. So find none...

...at all eating. And even thoughevery one of you guys has said one time or another, I don't givea shit what other people think about me, the truth of the matter is yourentire life focus is on worrying about what other people think of that.You have an incredible feel here of other people. And you know called youngcal what's his name? Not His name, the psychiatrist said. Alcoholics, men, women, are out destroy themselves. Alcohols have this deep seated understanding thatthey're unworthy, that they're not as good as they're always trying to puffthemselves up, get better, prove something to somebody else they don't like.God forbid anybody should look at them funny. You know who? Do you?You know? You don't know who you're dealing with. I'll show you. Alcoholic slip their entire lives wearing about with the people are going to thinkthey're stupid or whether they're going to be embarrassed, or trying to control otherpeople so they won't get hurt. And the bottom line is because we're socodependent, but sought because we're not only alcoholics where we're absolute cores for acceptance. I will do anything for you to accept you know what. I'm analcoholic. That's my druggy choice. But you put me into a place whereyou using cocaine, I'll use cocaine, I'll use marijuana. You know,I'll fucking check and I don't care. I'll do whatever I got to doin order for you to accept me. You put me in the clan ona clansman. You know what I mean. What's mad? You have no businesslot laughing at this. Let me tell you something. You know whatyou know. You don't know what it's like, believe me. You putme with thieves. I'm a thieve. You put them with attorneys. I'man attorney. I'm going to do whatever I have to do so you're goingto like me. That's my deal. And so when you're in alcoholics andanonymous and the whole point of Aa and the only people that make it toforty years, and not only make it to forty years or thirty years,but they make it with good purpose, and there they and they've been rockingthe fourth dimension of existance. Have given their life to and their life revolvesaround God, and that's the deal. They've thrown it in. They've they'vejumped into the deep end of the pool. They never they never apologize for God, they never worry about it. They're able to talk at meetings aboutGod. Then have to say higher power, the great banana and anything like that. Nonsen the people that make it's a miracle that anybody makes it inthe Sea of disbelief and doubt that we're logged into. Okay, now let'skeep on going. So here's chapters in the agnostics. Now they rode chapteredto the agnostics because they were trying to explain that in a a I've notagnosticism was not favored. Let me explain something to you. Alcoholics anonymous takesa position on agnosticism. Alcoholics, anocels anonymous takes a position on atheism.The position is this, this sort of thinking must be abandoned. Now,the fellowship of Alcoholics anonymous position is you don't have to you can be anagnostic and you can be an atheist. It doesn't matter. Better you cando the program you don't need to believe in God. That's the position ofthe fellowship. You May I think it's a position of fellowship, but youcan't hate God and not want to mention God and apologize for God and TellPeople God is bad and then take sort of a position otherwise. I mean, that's like crazy thing. So let me read this thing. This isin chapter to the agnostics. If a mere code of morals are better philossiclife for sufficient don't become alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter howmuch we try and try. If a mere code of morals that are betterphilossom I could have saved us and wouldn't work. How many people have everheard somebody say I'm not putting you down, if you do this, God isgood orderly direction. God is doing the next my program my God isdoing the next right thing. I mean, I'm an alcoholic. I knew haveto do the next fucking right thing. I wouldn't be here, you know, if I knew a good orderly direction was. I can tell yousomething. I'm really good at good early directions. Laugh, to give thefucking money back. I can tell you that you ain't getting the money bad. It ain't happening. You know. I that the I'm just talking tolisten. I'm just talking about our big book, the Basic Text, theactual program if a mere code of morals or a better ploff you life wouldhave helped us, we would have found it a long time ago. Butit did not help us. It did not. We can wish to bemoral, we could wish me flot BHILOSOPHY competent. In fact, we canwill these things, but all our life. But the needed power was there arehuman resources, as marshalled by the will, we're not sufficient. Theyfailed utterly. Lack of power was our...

...dilemma. We had to find apower by which we could live, and it had to be a power greaterthan ourselves, obviously. But where were we to find this power? Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Well, that's exactly what this bookis about. Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Itsmain object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which willsolve your problem. That means we're in a book which we believe is spiritualas well as moral, and it means, of course, and it means ofcourse, that we are going to talk about God. It means ofcourse we're going to talk about God. And here's the next line. Herethe difficulty arises with agnostics and, quite frankly, with most alcoholics. Manytimes we talked to a new man and watch his hope rise as we've discussedhis alcoholic problem, explained our fellowship. But his face falls when we speakwith spiritual matters, especially when we mention God, for we are reopened thesubject which our man thought he had neatly avaided or entirely ignored. We knowhow he feels. We have shared this honest doubt and prejudice. Doubt andprejudice. Some of US have been violently anti religious. Others were. Godbrought up a particular idea of him with someone. I try to imprespond duringchildhood. Perhaps we reject the particular conception because it seemed inadequate. With thatrejection we imagine we had abandoned God idea entirely. We were bothered and thoughtthat faith in depends upon power beyond ourselves is somewhat weak and cowardly. Okay, you got that, so listen. If you're an AA and you're dealingwith alcoholics anonymous, and you're dealing with alcoholics and alcoholics anonymous. One ofthe consequences of the DIS ease of alcoholics anonymous, one of the consequences ofthe insanity of alcoholics anonymous, is to defy God and hating God. AndHey, you understand what I'm saying. I don't know when you get it. So let me explain to this. If you have a real heart onor resentment against God, religion and churches or whatever the bullshit is, that'sthe dis ease talking to you. That's DIS ease. That's as much diseaseas a resentment, as anger as a lack of faith and inability to believein God is part of the disase of alcoholics anonymous. It's part of theinsanity. It's part of the insanity that will keep you forever in darkness.Never let you blast through, you know, and get you, you know,passed to the sixth and seventh step. That's that. That's not like agood thing. I know Dr Bob and Dr Bob in Dr Bob's nightmaresays if you're an atheist or an agnostic or have some storm of intellectual pridewhich keeps you from yet forgetting this, from getting this deal. I feelsorry for you. Your heavily father will never let you down. Dr Bob, recognize that as a pathology, you know, a a and and angertowards God and inability to accept God a pathout. It wasn't a good thing, it wasn't even an intellectual thing, it wasn't even a smart thing.It was an indication of how dis eased and how insane the alcoholic was.And then it goes on to say, it says. Then it goes onto say, we have traveled this dubious path. Beg You to lay asideprejudice, even against organized religion. This is a big bug. We havelearned that, whatever the you and frailties of various faiths, maybe those faithshave given purpose and and direction of millions people of faith. That a lotto my ideal with light is all about. Actually, we used to have noreasonable conception whatsoever. We used to use ourselves like cynically dissecting spiritual believesand practice, when we might have deserved that. Many spiritually minded persons ofall races causing creeds were demonstrating a degree of stability, happiness and usefulness weshould have sought ourselves. Well, there's a lot more I could read you, as you know, in the big book. I'm not going to doit regarding God, because the big book is just filled with paragraphs like this. A man and in envision for you, it says every once a while aman a woman says feel better. Who is in drink from? Feelbetter, look better, having better time. We laugh at such salon. Heknow he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy abouthis sobriety. Soon he'll know loneliness is few do he'll be of the jumpingoff place. He'll drink again. Do you think it's possible for somebody havetwenty years and feel lonely? You think it's possible, I have somebody atfifteen years and have that nervous disposition.

You think it's possible for somebody tohave twenty years, twenty five years, and not be happy with their sobriety? I can tell you I know it's. I know it's post because I sponsorguys. You had twenty five, thirty years, and I sponsor peoplebet are not happy with this variety. And you know what the problem is. The problem is not the wife, the problem is not the money.The problem is always, always a non connection with God. It's always aproblem with faith, Sandy Beach said. You know that that's the only problem, the only problem anybody ever has is a failure to connect with God,and the only solution is connecting with God. You know now the great thing isis the big book says God was your had to create the following.You create. The good news is is out of you know what, ahundred people and an Abe, maybe there's ten, that are focused on thisshit. You choose who you want to hang out with. You. Ican tell you this. The person will be in the next five years willdepend upon a people, the people you hang out within, the books youread, and the books you read will depend upon who you hang out with. I can promise you that. You know, why is it that somepeople seem to find the answer? They chuck off the bullshit, they chuckoff the doubt, they go full throttles and we got they did. Youknow, by the way, that the big book encourages church membership. YouBear anybody say I'm spiritual, not relig you ever see anybody they say I'mspiritual, not religious. Let me ask you this. What do you thinkabout selfrighteous people? What do you think about people that think they're better thanother people, smarter and more closer to God than of the what do youthink about those people? You think they're sober. What somebody says I'm spiritual, not religious, and puts down religion. What do you think they're actually saying? Well, I'm better than religious people. They're kind of stupid andthey're idiots. I am spiritual. Let me tell you something. There's onething. After many, many years of being an alcoholic and learned about what'sgoing on in me and who I am, what I am, I am notspiritual. I am not a spiritual guy. I know all about mylife. I know all about my brain. I know I mean, maybe notall about I'm still learning. I know how I think, I knowI feel. I am a material minded person. That's why the sixth steptalks about money, property, imprestie each we don't want it, we don'twant to say anything that gets money, propery and prestige, but we've madea mess to making our lives involved around that great and that's the thing thattalks about you can actually have a belief in God. Unless you're a lifecenters upon them and depends upon them, you're nowhere. It's your belief willbe barren. The whole point about the big book is to turn your entirelife over to him. You know, and and and do his work well. And you can read all through the big book and say that, butyou're not. You're not going to hear that necessarily in meanings. Well,you'll hear it here because that's what I talk about and other people talk aboutthis. I'm not the only person, but most of the theeds you're goingto go to they're going to get upset with you. God knows alcoholics theone people to get upset with them or laugh out of behind their back.Well, I'll tell you what a crummy life that is. I mean Ilive the life where worried about whether people are laughing at being talked about.That's a shitty like. That's not a sober life. That's a horrible lifeto live, a life for you're worried about. You know something I'm doing, you know what I'm concerned without concerned that I tell you the truth,and then I'm doing what God wants me to do. He wants me tocarry the same message that Bill Wilson carry when he said the Bob Dots andthe Lord has been so wonderful to me cure me of this terrible disease thatI got to keep talking about and telling other people. I know he wantsto kind of seeing message to you that Bob Smith cat tip character clarence,the room master, when he told Clarence, who was sitting on a bed,he was hundred thirty five pounds, and he said to Clarence, thefirst thing he said to this guy says, do you believe in God, YoungFellow? And Clarence said, what does that have to do with it? and Bob Smith said everything. Everything he says I guess I do.He says guess nothing. You either do or you're dumb. There is nomiddle of the road solution. Says I do. Good, get down inyour knees. We're going to say a prayer to him right now. Youwould give your drinking problem over here. You know I'm you got I gotto tell you. I'm I'm one of these guys that I'm convinced, afterforty years of doing this stuff, there's no your program my program fifteen millionprograms, you know what I mean. There's a program recovery. You know, the big book says, really, have we seen the person fails whohas thoroughly bollowed our path? It doesn't say do whatever the hell you wantto do and everything's going to work out. And I know the Path is becauseI read Dr Botom the good old time, because I know what theywere actually doing to the nineteen thirty five and one thousand nine hundred and fortyfive. I know what was going on in a and they were focused,they were single minded in this deal. So let me see. So Igot nine minutes, so I'm going to...

...go through a fast nine minute.So I came in just like everybody came in. I was addicted to money, property, prestige, women, sex, all that shit. And I happened, I don't know whether it was I was blessed or whatever it is, I happen to linked up with people that were solid in this program.They were solid and I and they loved me, even though they used tobeat the crap out of me. Sometimes. It's a spank me a lot,you know, and you're all heard some of those stories and used to. I graduated department a line of his, mathematx. I was going for myPhD and Algebraic topology. I became a laws the vision chief the stateATTURNER's office. My sponsor was a used car sales roan from Chicago and didn'teven graduate the sixth grade and he told me I knew as much about lifeas a boat knows about his father. So they didn't have a great dealof respect for me and I love these people and I follow them around andthey always pointed me towards God. And then when that sponsor died, Ihad I there was always another man to take his place. Then, afterBob Sullivan died, then Joe Schneider, another godly man, thirty five yearsserious about this program. He didn't worry about what other people thought about theyhad people listening to him and he was not ashamed to talk about God andhe was not ashamed to read the Big Book and talk about this program andtalk about God. And had me read sermon on the Mount, he hadme read the Bible, he had me read different things. And then whenI was about ten years sober, you know, and I hit that glassceiling that some of us hid in a a where you're doing everything. Iwas in a good backman chair for two years. I'm speaking all the place, I was speaking at conventions, I was doing steps series and everything likethat. I was sponsoring a lot of man and also I was doing thedeal and I had hit that glass ceiling something I I wanted more and Ididn't know how to get more. Didn't know how to get more, andsome guy tapped me on the shoulder because I just couldn't get rid of thatnervous I couldn't give me that nervous disposition. I still had something called Code.Even know what it's like. I had something called I didn't come hereto be laughed at, cody. I got. I had something called anxiety. Anybody here ever having had anxiety? What you guys aren't understand what it'sall about, because I had unlike bill, I see one part. I hadserious problems, not the kind of bullshit problems you have built, youknow, and I had serious problems and I would have anxiety. I wouldbe up at three o'clock and when wearing about stuff. And you know something, I was sponsoring people, I was going to a lot of Aa means, I was reading the book. I was doing everything and I was stilla basket pace. You know, I was like in a sea of troubleand every once in a while, everyone's why I'd experience the problems. Youknow, I would experience the promises for like a half a day a day, you know, six minutes, you know, here and there, butI didn't have them permanently. I can tell you that. You know,I was, I was in handhand combat with the planet earth. And whatwould happen is I go to a lot of meetings and I'd sponsor people,I do all this stuff, and it diverted my attention from my problems.But then once I stopped doing that and I turned back to my life,life was difficult for me. Some guy came up to me, you know, when the people's way to teach up. Her said you ever go to aBible study? I said, Jewish gift from New York or whatever itis. I don't know if Bible studies you know. He said, youwant to try this thing, I think you'd really like it somehow. AndI was scared. You know what? I scared out. What if myaunt Joan finds them? What if my aunt Joan finds up now. Shehad been dead ten years, but she could find out, you know whatI mean. And what did she finds out to put like the you knowwhat, I need to put the curse on me. So I ended upgoing with this guy to Bible study and they were like forty men there andthey would be between the ages of seventy and ninety years old and they've beenstudying the source material for the big book for thirty, forty years. AndI sat next to a guy named John Glenn who ended up being my thirdsponsor. He was a Baptist Pastor, you know, worked in the jailsand he had, he had fifty five years sobriety. He became my thirdsponsor. And then I say, he's told me, I say as Isat next to them with a Bible study and then I joined that church.Then I became a deacon of that church. Then they started ministry in that Church. Then he introduced to the other people in other churches can worship leadinga Baptist church. Then I went all and then all I was doing ishang around a people hanging around different churches, studying the Bible. And you knowwhat happens, by the way. You know what happens when everybody hangaround is folcusing on God and folks on the Bible and talking about the bigbook. And I'll tell you what the big book did. What the Bibledifferent me is I read the Bible of the Bible and I said myself,Holy Crap, they stole everything in here from the big book of alcoholics anonymous, and all of a sudden I saw a stuff like a good Samaritan andI studied stuff in the Bible and it...

...explained all sorts of stuff in thebig book of Alcoholics and stuff that I even realize because I was reading thesource of material that they were reading between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine, because it says really haven't seen for the fellows thoroughly followed up heath andin Dr Botom the good old timers. They said the books we found absolutelyessential, absolute essential, will first with the thirteen some around the man ofthe book of change, and I was reading what they were reading when theywrote the Big Book and everything changed in my life. And then I readthe big book of alcoholics anonymous. I saw in the big book it saidwe encourage Church membership, we encourage the founders say we encourage church membership.It's not obligator but we encourage. If you're going to do it, ifyou're going to get involved this, we're encouraging you to do that stuff.You ought to do it, you know, and it says it twice. Itsays most of us are members of such organizations. We encourage that stuff. The more you seek you something into hanging out with those people who warnedand bashed with that thing. You know, he's like a kindergarten, a spiritualkindergarten. You know, you might want to graduate to high school orcollege or even postgraduate, it says, because you hang around people that arefocus on that stuff, you know what will happen. You'll improve your consciouscontact with God. You know why? Because you're always talking or thinking aboutthem. Because if I'm talking about women, I'm thinking about women, if I'mtalking about money, I'm talking thinking about money. If I'm talking aboutcars and bars, think about it. But if all the guys I'm aroundand talking about God and focus about God and the problems with God and howhe's in your life and everything like that, all doing is think about God andthen all of a sudden being rocking the fourth dimension of existence, becausethe great facts says that I have to set them my life upon God andall of a sudden, center and I'm waking up in the morning, I'mthinking about God. Throughout the day, I'm thinking about God and I don'tthinking about God. And here I am with you talking about God because that'sthe only thing I really want to talk about. I can't help that.I've been warmed. Like I said to my first sponsor, I know whatyou're telling you. You're trying to brainwash. When he said, well, maybeyour brain needs washing. And you know, by the way, youmay think I've really gone over. You know, you know, you knowI mean. I'm not exactly half measures right. You know what it says. This sort of thinking has to be then you know what's you know whatit says. It says the result is nil until we let go absolutely.I guess I just let go. I'm not done yet, still running therace. Don't going crazy. I'm going from here to alive again for anotherhour and I'm going to be talking all I'm again as a Christian based postthat deal, and I'll be talking to them about the Bible and the BigOne and that's what I do. You know what I mean, and itprobably sounds crazy. Becau is going to sound crazy to any alcoholic who suffersfrom this disease, because they want they have one foot in AA and theyhave one foot in God and they have one foot in the world, andthe world will eat you up alive. As a matter of fact, ifyou've been in the world for a while, you know, you know I'm right, because the world's been eating you up alive because everything you're worried about, everything that's eating your launch, eating your liver, has to do withthe world and things of this world, the people in this world, andyou can't handle it. You can't handle it because you're alcoholics. Your brainis too little to you can't handle it. You don't want to be boxing withGod. Your arms are too short. That's the deal and that's been myexperience. And I'm not talking about a guy I'm going to and ifI say this, I'm not talking about a guy who walked in here,you know, you know, out of the Baptist Church. I mean Iwas just Jewish geft from you and from great neck, whole island. Youdon't talking about. I believe in things like country clubs and women and moneyand all that sort of stuff. This is something that's happened over here toforty years, slowly being pushed and pushed and pushed, and all I cansay is, Hey, I'm probably crazy, but I'm happy as a plan marriedforty years, seven grandkids for kids, self supported, your own contributions.Get to talk to people like you and I'll tell you know what Ifind. I'll tell you what I find. I had one guy come up tome, this is true, after day me and he says you Russ. I said, yea, SIS, I heard you're good speaking, butyou talk too much about God. And ope that on my tombstone he talktoo much about God, and I said because this sponsor, I guessn't toldhim that. And I you know what I find? No, I thisis what I said to a friend of mine once. I said, youknow, I guess if people are really offended by it and they don't wantto hear it, I guess they'll stop asking me to speak. And allI know is I get asked to speak all over the all over the place. So apparently there is somebody with all these guys out there saying don't talkabout God. Apparently somebody wants to hear the message of depth and wait.Somebody wants to hear your original message of alcoholics anonymous and not about the bullshityou know. Like you know. I...

I lost my car yesterday. Whateverhell they're talking about these days in a A. Somebody wants to hear aboutthis stuff. I'll tell you what you want to. You want. I'lltell you what you want to. You want to end. Well, letme tell you something. Yeah, you're in your s and you're in yours and s. You don't want to cock around with this thing anymore.Let me tell you something. You don't want to end up sticking on yourdeath bed one day trying to figure out what the third steps all about.You don't want it's a little bit too a. You don't want to tryto figure out what faces all. You want to get that big lock down, solid, serious, you know, before you get to the time whenthings start falling apart on you. I'm already at that time. Everything's fallingapart. So that's all I have to say. Thank you,.

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