AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 5 months ago

Russell S. Step 10 at the 12 Step House 7/15/2021

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Russell S. Step 10 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 7/15/2021   

Mine's Austin spats. I'm an alcoholremember the South takest a group. It's great to be here. Are youguys? Crazy guys? So I want to you know, I wish Icould say I plan. I wish I could say plans. Did I sayit was an alcohol what? You can't hear me. You can't hear me. That would be sheldon's fault. That would be sheldon's fault. He's turnedthe volume of and you hear me? Can y'all hear me? Okay,very good. Thank you. As a criszy. Okay, you know,I just I want to say a couple of shouts outs to some people.Wish I could say I plans something for you to night, but I neverdo because then I get nervous and try to figure out what I was goingto say and you'll know what I'm going to say when I say it.Okay, I'M gonna I'll somehow, somewhere long, I'll tell you what I'mgoing to say and then I'll tell you what I'm saying and then I'll tellyou what then I'll tell you what I told you. You know. Sowe'll figure that out. So I have the last year and a half orso. I don't even know how long I've been have. I've been onzoom, I've been out of these great I have this whole zoom family.We all develop, you know, since Godlishry had to create the fellshopy crape. So I have a lot of people all over the world. Now youknow I'm we all get to meet people in different states, everything, allover the world. So I love these hybrid meetings because I get to inviteall my my good friends from New York and New Jersey and all of theworld. I see a bunch of these crazy people. This tony from Australia, from Sydney, and I didn't want to start naming names because there's toomany of them. I'll leave somebody out and they'll get pissed off. They'reso sick they'll get pissed off anyway. It doesn't even fucking mean anything.So so, but I got a whole bunch of them here from New Yorkthat flew down from New York for Trinny, who's also here with his wife andfamily. Where is Trinny with his wife and two children, who celebrateingthree years? Okay, so I'm going to give a shout out for trainning. I want to also invite you, if you have a chance sometime,to say a prayer for Steve Boyarsky, who's in New York, New Jersey. His father passed away and they're having the funeral tonight. I know alot of people aren't here on zoom because they're in New York, New Jersey, going to as far as funeral and and also, I'm sorry, prayersfor Steve Schwertl and his wife, who was in on the line. Nowit looks pretty good to me. It looks better than me, you know. I tell you, I mean God bless you, steeve. You knowwe love you. And and and prayers for Jay. I know he's goingthrough a situation. And Jay's where are you, Jay? He's not goingthrough a situation anywhere. He's fine now. You know. Pray for all youguys. So it's good to be here. So so I'm here tocomfort to disturbed and disturb the comfortable. So let's start right out and dothat shit. You know what I mean. Book of Deuteronomy, page. Okay, here's the deal. I haven't now there's some sort of there's acraziness going on here. Let me explain this to you. I am thisis my eleven talk here and usually on the eleventh talking on the eleventh step. You get that? Well, whatever. You know, not that I'm actuallydoing the steps, but I mean that I'm. If this was areal step series, I'd be talking about the steps once in while. Itouch on them. It's okay. But here's the deal. If this wasa regular if I actually knew what I was doing, I have found lessthey have a drink since jazz, going two thousand five nineteen eighty one.So I've been doing step series like this for thirty years now. And andwhen I used to do them, you know, back when I was younger. I'm seventy two now, and and she's right. After I say seventytwo, my mind goes blank. It's the dementia. So when I starteddoing these things thirty years ago, I mean you should, you really shouldhave caught me when I had like ten or fifteen years. I was reallygood at this shit, you know, I could I was like right ontop of the step, you know what I mean? Somewhere happened, somewherearound twenty five years sobriety. My brain went to mush somewhere around the timewhen I stopped doing the steps and started.

Well, what I say, becauseI believe this is true. This is my opinion. You know,basically, when I started living the steps, my life in the steps, livingthe steps, living a manner of living that demand rigorous honesty, whereI was refraining from restraining myself from tongue and pain, where the tent stepwas not so much apologizing or making amends, but more shutting the fuck up.You know what I mean? We're not saying what I was going tosay or not sending me email or not doing things, because it dawned uponme, and you know, these things take time with some people. Withme a little bit more time because I'm smart, because when you're smart,your rationalize, you tall you some rationalized. It took me a lot longer becauseI operate like most of bhols operate on our feelings. So feelings sortof over over. They overwhelmed values. So you say things like go screwyourself, your son a bitch, I hate your guts. You know whodoubt. You say shit which you probably shouldn't say, but you but yourfeelings, your feelings have you say it and then what happens is, well, if you didn't do that, I went to said that. So youjustify. You have no control over your you, you, you, youdon't drink anymore, but you have no control over your feelings. And,like most alcoholics, you worship your feelings. You think your feelings are important,you think they they're meaningful, they have the basis for life, sexualfeelings, romantic field, the basis for life, and you never quite understandwhy you're always screwing up and hurting people and feeling crappy because instead of doingwhat's right, you do what you feel like doing and you always feel likewhat you're doing is right and you end up hurting a lot of people.But you don't give a shit because the only feeling you care about is yourself. Put your selfish and yourself sent and you driven my hundred fronts of yourselflueand selfseeking. You step with those of others, every talent they seeming me, that provocation, but you made decisions based on self, based upon watchsay this. You make the decisions based on your selfish feelings, which wouldyour position to be heard. You understand if somebody comes along and says,I don't really give a shit. What the fuck you feel like, yougo over there and help that out of the person I don't give a shitwith you feel like doing it. You make the coffee for the group andyou run into characters like that, and some people pay attention to him becausethey don't want to drink, and some people blow him off. You undyoung stand what I'm saying. The ones that blow him off and up drinkingnever get this program. The ones that pay attention and do shit they don'twant to do and up staying so for a long period of time and getbetter. And that's pretty much simply. But the deal is. But thedeal but so the same. Well, people's anonymous, you know. Imean, that's all I'm saying. It's and so it takes a long time. So somewhere around twenty five years when I stopped like, in a sense, doing the steps like it was a it was a separate thing. Idid. Oh that's a third step. Well, that's the second time,because it wasn't a third I wasn't turning my life over to God because Iwas living it, turned over life. I wasn't doing special things to turnabout because I wake up the morning I'd be thinking about God and during theday I'd be thinking about God and I'd be playing him's or going to church, watching this or doing that, or hanging out people talk about God.So I was always thinking about God, but I didn't think about it asthe eleven stepperds hobably was just, you know, in order to get getthe things that most people in here will never have, you need to bewilling to do things that most people will never do. And the truth ismost people will do what they think of the steps in order to try tonot drink, but they'll never immerse themselves in a manner of living where theyutterly abandon themselves to God when they do what they're actually talking about in thebook what Bill Wilson did when he said the Lord has been so wonderful tome currently, of the stubbles he's I want to keep talking about and tellingother people, like when bought the Wabo said, if you're an atheist,agnostic, got some sort of perfectellectual pride that keeps you from doing this,I feel sorry for you. You're yeah, you're heavenly father will not let youdown. You know, your reallylience has to be on him. Whenthey never really get into the real deal. You didn't stand. They just sortof do a once over lightly or...

...five overlightly. But they're never goingto do this because they're just going to take get out of their face.That's you're a program, not my program. Whatever hell that is, they say. You know what I mean. What happens is they don't stay sober. They drink after ten years, fifteen years, or they find themselves livinga life of desperation, quiet desperation, which means that twenty years, thetwenty five years to thirty years sobriety, to forty years sobriety. But they'relonely, but they're not happy with their sobriety, you know. But butat that point in time they're lost. They're lost in the wilderness because theyhaven't even. They don't even. They can't even summer up some summon upthe desperation that a newcomer will do, to do something. They will notbe able to get the humility to do what a new coming will do becausethey're so proud of they are not drinking. And so the time when they mighthave gotten on the knees and surrender themselves to God is really over.And then the cancer comes and the people die and the real shit starts happeningand they're they're incredibly unprepared for that, because I've seen him die as believersand I've seen him die as unbelievers. You don't want to die, asI you're not don't want to die not knowing where you're going. It's afearful thing. It's a fearful thing if you haven't figured out yet, ifyou're an alcohol if you haven't figured out yet that at three o'clock in themorning or two o'clock in the morning or your entire life, that the thingthat you hate the most, that the most terrible thing is fear of theunknown. If you have been figured out that fear of the unknown and what'sgoing to happen to you, it's the worst thing for an alcoholic to dealwith, then you and I are suffering from a different disease, because I'vebeen doing this, son of a bish by the numbers and I know theone thing I hate is worried about what may happen or what possibly may happen. What's going to happen when I don't have the answer and you know something, that's one thing would has to do with a sexual romance relationship, it'snothing. When it has to do with job, it's nothing. One hasto do money, whole other thing. What has to with it? Goingto live or die, and they nobody else and nobody getting out of thisthing without, you know, alive. You're all going to go through it. You understand what I'm saying and I watched it happen. You know,I've seen other proof is in the pudding. Really. I've watched the people youknow goes. I watch people both really incredible times difficult times as believers. I watched most the difficult times as nonbelievers. And I'm not you know, listen, I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night.I'm not stupid. I can see how each one handles it and Idon't. I don't want to be that guy, you know what I mean, that's freaking out at fifteen years. But I don't know where to go. I have no idea where to go because I've done everything I think they'retold me do an AA and it ain't working for me anymore and I don'teven know how to to talk to about it not working for me anymore.That's even worse. I don't even know what's you now. If you're anewcomer, you know you got two or three or four years. We arenot that prideful in your sobriety, you know, and that's scared you canyou can throw up your hands. I need help. I know it's what'sgoing on. You can maybe get somebody to sort of guide you and maybeyou'll listen to him. Maybe you will go to Bible study. Maybe we'llpay attention to the big book of alcoholics anonymous, when it says we encouragechurch membership. You know, they say in the big book of alcoholics anonymous, we encourage church member that's what they said in the book. They putit in the book. You know they put it in the book. Rarelyhave we seen Fris fellas thoroughly five. They put in the book they say. This is what they say. is almost the exact words. We encouragechurch membership. We encourage you to get close, clurn closer to dot.So we encourage church membership. Most of us belong to such institutions. Theydon't tell you what church because they want you to congregate with people that aretalking about God. It helps the eleventh...

...step. That helps you to getcloser on closer. That's why they put it in the book. They couldn'tleft it out of the book. Yeah, they help that guy, the thegnd, the Atheist Guy, said, you know, it's we all thatstuff. But they put that in the book. That said most of usare doing that. They put the book in some mine and then they hadthis line. He's a line they had. But it's optional. And the foundersof ray say we encourage church membership. Most of us do this. Youknow, rarely have a seepers of fail who is thoroughly found up path. Most of us do this. We've been rocking in the fourth dimension ofexistence. We've experienced much of heaven. God is a central fact of ourlife. He lives in our hearts and mind the way, which is deepmiraculous. You know where they talk about this stuff. They talked about thestuff a church, but synagogue. That's what they talked about this stuff.So the body and they say we encourage church membership. Most of us dothis, they say, but it's optional. So you got two types of peoplein a you go to the type people that say it's extra credit.I understand it's optional. It sextra credit, but I'M gonna fucking do it anyway. I'm gonna do it anyway. Listen, there are people that playgolf and then there are tiger woods. There are people that, you know, poall to they run track and then they are Olympian, Olympians, nowthe Olympians, but they do. The guys who get the gold crown,they work every every, every day to be far ahead of anybody who's insecond place so they can win the gold crown, knowing they'll never get perfection, but they're shooting for the ten in sixth and sixth step parlance. Inthis group that would be called not settling for a personal idea of what goodis, but settling for the idea of what we were we have to go, which is, in the mind of God, other words settling. Thatwe have to do here is shoot for perfection, even understanding we will neverget there. And there are people that do the sixth step. They're fewand far between, says you know. There really are. The one thatseparates them from the boys. When they're called, a few are chosen.There are people that will shoot for that and they will do the extra creditshit they will do the extra credit shit. They will do the extra credit stuff. They will go to the church that we go to, the Bible, stuffy, well, the the twelve and twenty, the Dr Bobby GoodOldhimer says, and it's all over our literature, it says the books wefound absolutely essential, or first Corinthians, thirteen, summer of the Mount ofthe book of James, absolutely essential. Really have seen presperlis sort of allpass. There are people that will read those books and study them because they'rein for the end, they're in for the extra credit, they're in forthe long run, they're in for any for the deal. You know whatI mean. There are those people. There are people that are in thosepeople are always talking about God. They want to listen to people are talkingabout God. They love to hear that stuff in a and then there arepeople then in the other type, people that hate people that talk about thatShit. They walk out of rooms and they hate people that's talk about thatshot shit because they are not going to do it and they don't want todo it and they think you shouldn't talk about it, even though it's inthe book. They don't want you to tell and don't want anybody do itbecause, I say, if, if that's what a becomes, they mighthave to do it and they don't stick around and they drink or then thathappened with their sobriety and they don't realize the joy of with it. Andunfortunately, because of AA and because of the consequences of our drinking, theconsequences of alcoholism, unless until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism all its consequences,there's sobriety be precarious. One of the consequences of alcoholism is that we're codependent, not don't even know what code of pendent means, but I think ithas some do is what we worry about. We worry a lot about what otherpeople think about us, even though we tell ourselves you don't worry aboutwe don't care what other people think about is. And so what happens isif somebody in a room looks at you would disdain or tells you we don'tdo the God thing, or you may heard other people, you fucking believethem, because the one fear and alcoholic...

...has that's should be on all yourlists is a fear of the judgment of other people. And the only freethe biggest freedom you get in the promises is you lose fear of other peopleand of economic consecurity, and most of us have that kinnected in security becausewe lose our car, job, we worry about what people think about us. So the point is the the victory in a a is losing fear ofother people in their judgment upon you, and the death in a a isthat we sit in groups of people. It ain't well. People's anonymous thattell us we ought to be afraid of them and not do what's really inthe book, what's right in front of them, because you'll be judged badly. So at some point along that will along the way, you either haveto decide who you're going to hang out with, and here's the great thing, it's a personal decision for you. Nobody's going to fish one with theother. You know there's going to be for every person like me, thesaying go this way, there's another person says it's all bullshit, go thatway, and you get to judge and the same address rehearsal what your lifeis going to be like. It's as simple as that. Whether you continuebe scared of other people and being that bondage, which is even worse thanthe drink, as bad as the drinking, the bondage of worrying about what otherpeople think about you. Or you're going to be free, you're goingto do, you're going to know the new freedom of the new happiness.Then you get that choice. So many years ago, you remember Dr Young, you remember with Dr Young set my spons to. What do you dothe things you do? Why do you say the things you do? Or, as I said, that's my personalities, as your personalities killing it. Howdo you ever read your person do you get rid of that, thepersonality that tells you about lots of fellows? Yeah, FA the one. Ithink it rid of the personality where you get in the crime? Yousay, I'm Mana. Wonder what they think about that meeting? I Idon't like it. I think somebody worked or walk down. Think they likeme or so? How do you get rid of that Shit when you've beenliving with that shit all your life? Okay, well, you can't.Only God could. How do you ever rid of drink? And Only Godcan do that. Only you know. Only God can do that. Youdon't turn away, you know you turn away from God. You turned towardsGod. You know, you got your choice. Curses are blessing. That'sa deal. So the bottom line ISS. So I have this, so Ihave this. So over a period of time, and it takes time. It takes a lot of time, and a lot has to do withwho you hang out with. I was told, the man and women you'llbe in next five years old tend who you hang out with, the booksyou read, and, quite frankly, books I read were basically been basedupon who I hang out with. What I did based upon it, whoI hang out with and who I listen to and who I believe you know, and I don't know why I tended to hang out with these people ratherthan I guess it is problem with the traction. I wanted what that guyhad. I wanted what alt Kennedy had. WHO's sign of cancer, and healways do, is trying to help other people. He was not talkingabout his cancer. He could have talked about his cancer. Is Nothing wrongtalking about your cancer, you know, but he was talking about he wastrying to help other people. How do you have you do that shit?How do you know you're dying? You don't have a few months to liveand you go to meeting, you start talking about other people and trying tohelp them. Not even how. How do you? I couldn't do that. I couldn't. I couldn't do that, but I know I wanted. Iknew there was something special about that. So, in any event, soapparently in Dr Young. But he says, he says he's talking torolling hazard. He says ideas, emotions and attitudes that with God and changingof the personality. said it's a he said it's a some sort of psychicchange. It's a God driven change. It doesn't even matter where you goto church or anything like that. Something happens. These people. Ideas,emotions attitudes that are the guiding force of these men's lives are push the oneside and they become dominated by whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes, whole new idea. Is that what you want, it says. Itsays if you since it says we must get rid of the selfishness, wemust ork kills us. God makes that possible. I'm sorry, I meanyou're taught your own opinion on untill to your own facts. That's what thebook says. God makes that possible and...

...it says, once we make asincere decision for God, all sorts of amazing things happen. Being all powerfully, gives us everything we need if we stay close to him and perform hiswork. Well, that's what it says. That's what the book says. That'sthe program of recovery. I don't care what you think the pro youmay think the program recovery has to do the four step. Now, youmay think the program covery has to do with the fit step. Now,these are but tools we use, exercises, we take to the gym in orderto get fit, in order to get the promises. You know,the program of recovery is not the barbels. You know we don't worship the barbels. You know, at the end of the prorecovery, what's supposed tohappen is you're supposed to have some sort of abiding conviction and commitment to God. That's what the six step says. The men and the boys, themen of the ones that are repeatedly trying to do this so they can rowin the image and like this their creator. What do you think they're talking about? What kind of mindset you have to how deluted? I know we'redelusional, but how deluted do you have to be to honestly believe they're nottalking about having an abiding, serious commitment to God and making him the centerpieceof your life when they say it over and over and over again? Andof course they lie in the big book, but it's a good lie, it'sa white lie. They what they do know when they're working with crazypeople. Look, when you're working with crazy people, what you have todo is you do what I do. You Act crazy so that they feel, hey, that guy's crazy, I'm crazy. I like that guy.He's fucking crazy. But in the midst of acting crazy, you say theupward a couple of times. Its have like this guy. He's trying inthe in the middle of acting crazy, once you am going for you,because what I'm doing to you says you say shit. That makes sense.So it's too fucking late. They can't take it out of their mind,you know, because they they allowed it in. You know what I mean? As I say, the guys fucking nuts, but he makes sense.I like what. Do you know what I mean? So that they dothe same thing. In the big book. They say we don't want to deprecatematerial achievement. No, anybody wants to put down money. And thentwo lines later they say, but nobody's we are worth part of their lifeand running after, you know, Blonde's runets and red set heads and moneyand all it's it's all bad. You got to make God number one.I mean how many times they have to say, you know, you're okay, but you need to go to God. You're okay, but you need togo to God. Go okay, but you need to go to God. Go okay, but you need more God. You got increase your contactwith God. How many times they have to say it? I mean howstupid canning out very stupid? Or is my as my wonderful philosopher John Wayneonce said, what if life is tough, if you're stupid, it's even tougher. You know what I mean? So two thousand years ago? No, eightzero years ago, tenzero years, because what's his face to call young? Said these things have been happening along Moses. Anybody hear him? Mosesvery big in the Old Testament. I'm telling you, major hero, theold test of the whole Bible. Deal. If you Jewish, this one offendsyou. Don't worry about it is like a Moses thing, you know, and he was. He was like big on the Gaud God thing,by the way. He really was Bush that does not consume himself. Didall the stuff on up the Farawell was scared, you know. Then allthis stuff. Did the first step? That all the steps? You know? So, no, seriously, did it? Did them all? Yeah, that Jesus came along sponsored twelve. You know the rest of the story. But in any event, the bottom line. So Moses in Deuteronomy.Look this up. Dunamon, Deuteronomy, thirty after he led the after allthe stuff happened, all the miracles happened, all the curses on easy cabin leavesthe Jews out of the Israelites, out of you know, into thedeal in the desert. He's bout answer of the God the land. He'sall. He's about to retire. Okay,...

...it's I'm telling you. He's leaving. Joshua, Joshua's Joshua's going about to take over. He's coming in. Okay, he's about to retire. So he gives a little speech toall the Jew he gives a little speech. It's in Deuteronomy thirty or to lookit up. You don't have to. It's option, but I would dowith a fun of you. It's actually has to do with the steps. It actually has to do with the test step. If you want toknow some about tests, that you need to look at Moses is speech tothe choose in Deuteronomy thirty. You know about the ten step. Did youknow that? Well, I can promise you this. The founders of aneed that because they studied the Bible just they came out of the Oxford Group. So I can promise you they knew it. But listen, if there'sanything I know about alcoholics, they're very happy to remain stupid and not domore. They're brain happy. You know, they're lazy. They're happy to remainyou know. What does it say? I have to do it? Nobodysaid I have to do it. You know religion bad. You knowI'm spiritual. You're not spiritual. Where did you? Where did you getthe idea your spiritual? Why do you think you go to all these means? You go to all these means so you won't fuck up because of allthe temptations of the of the outside world. I take away from these meetings you'reout there having sex, doing orgies doing all sorts of crazy shit.You know what I mean. You are not spiritual. Your evil. No, no, no, no, say that would pride. The Bible saysthe heart of Man is evil. If there's one thing, one of thethings you got to learning here, it's not the bullshit yourself. Don't takeyourself seriously. Don't bullshit self. Don't think to yourself when you say I'mspiritual, that you like own that territory, that you bought it. It's paidfor and you can move away from these meetings and move away from sponsorshipand go out there in that world with those people with the money, withthe cars, with the jewelry, with the TV, with a movies,with all the temptations, and remain okay and not drinking ninety nine percent ofthe Shit you complain about, Anaa. That means going to means has todo with trying to deal with the outside world in that Shit, because youcan't handle it. So when you're going to wise up? When he goingto figure this shit out? So boses says this. It's called the speechof curses and blessings. He basically says this, if you continue to dowhat God tells you, to do, you're going to be prosperous and youcan have incredible lives and you got all these blessings. But if you don't, you're screwed. Now, I read a lot of versions of the Bible. I read the King James Version, the King Jimmy version, you know. I read the N Iv, you know, the new international version.I use the ESV. I use a lot of versus different versions, becauseI want more. It's optional, but I want more, you know,because I want to be an Olympian. You understand what I'm saying. SoI do that stuff. There's no version I found where Moses where it saysMoses said. If you don't continue to do this, you'll be screwed.I just want you to know that. Okay, that's my own translation.Okay, but I want you understand something, and I believe this in my heart. It's an accurate translation. It's an accurate translation. I say thatfor you guys, because because I talk Al Key, you got to beable to talk out if you's, I'm gonna you know the a possible saidI become all things to all men by using all means. I went sonof them. You know what I mean? You got to talk Al Ki.You can't talk to Longshoreman and talk like your college professor at Harvard.You know what I mean. You got to talk like a Longshoreman. IfI'm talking to alcoholics, I got to talk Al Key, which means Ihave to get crazy. You know what I mean. got an a littlecrazy. You know what I mean, because I know how we talk toourselves, which is really the only person we ever have a decent conversation.But because who the hell? Because nobody...

...else understands. Right, you knowwhat I mean. You know that nobody understands. So nobody so. SoI want to tell you that's what it is. If you continue to dowhat God wants you to do and you do this thing, it's going tobe nothing of blessings for you enjoy and if you don't, it's all hard. And we got a lot of people in here that are coming back.Or they'll say things like, well, this isn't my first time, oror I had eight years one time and then I blew it, or Ihad five years and then I blew it, or you know, I've been arounda for thirty years, but I got three months. We got alot of people nothing wrong with that. I'm glad you guys are here.But every one of these people that are that way, you know, arestarting over or who started over their lives. Every one of these people who aredoing that, who are that deal, if you ask them or if theytalk to me, he's they'll say. You'll say and you say, why'dyou go out? They'd say I stopped doing this, I stopped goingto meetings, I stopped speaking to my sponsor, I stopped doing the they'lljust tell you about how they stopped continuing. They didn't continue. It's the onlydifferent, the only thing that's new in the ten step. Continue totake personal in between my the inventory isn't new. It's we continue to take. We continue to take the same inventory we have a day. We learnedthe fourth step. We continue to take personal. Invent to it. Whenwe were wrong, we probably admit it. That's the fifth step. Make aman's that's the ninth step. That's yeah, there's nothing new in theten step except the word continued. For us, continued as a major,major word, because, no matter what you say as to why you couldn'tdo this thing or why you couldn't stay sober, no matter what you sayto me. Well, this is the reason why my mother died. Theparent he need a champooint. I couldn't. I don't care what you say.The bottom line is at the heart of it. After I wipe upall the bullshit, it's I stopped continuing. I stopped continuing. So now,being smart alcoholics, you say this. You're sitting there right now. Anybodyever hits say things like I'm going to stop drinking. Man, beforeI came there I said that a million times. I can never do it. Like pronouncing you're going to stop drinking, pronouncing you're going to stop drinking,like you have some power to stop. I'm going to have about this.I'm going to stop thinking about this shit. You ever you ever saidtell you something. You're going to stop thinking about that stuff. And thenit's another week long of thinking about it. You know why? Because you don'trealize your power. You lost the concept of the fact that you needGod to use your powerace. You can't. You can't stop thinking about it.If you can stop to thinking about it, you wouldn't be here ifyou could stop drinking. You wouldn't be here if you could stop worrying.You wouldn't be here if you could stop lusting after this world and the peoplethis world. You wouldn't be here. If you could stop being lonely,you wouldn't be here. You're here because you can't stop it. You don'teven know you can't stop it. That's one of the biggest problems have.Many are because you think you can stop it. You don't know you can'tstop it. You can do the steps of that, you just don't knowyou can't stop it. You have not surrendered to the fact that you can'tstop and you can't stop becauld, stop drinking again, stopped doing all thisother stuff. It's plague you now. So what happened? So we'd comein here and we say things like, and I've said this. I've saidthis. I've heard guys talk about slipping. I had three five years. Isay, well, I'm just never going to stop going to meets,because you hear it means why do people drink? Because they stop going tomeets. Just so that's pretty simple. I'm gonna I'm just never going tostop going to meetings. But then all of a sudden you realize something that'sreally kind of fusing, that every one of these people. The Guy whohad thirty years got a twenty years and it and one time Saturn audience likeyou did and said I'm just never going to stop going to meetings, andthey stopped anyway. So you start thinking...

...apparently, maybe that's the problem.I think I can make a pronouncement and have it stick, and maybe thepromises. I'm powerless over that stuff. And then you start late. Andso what happens to me is later on down the road, at twenty fiveyears or thirty five years, I actually start drawing connecting dots. And thisis why maybe I don't talk about the steps, but I do talk aboutthe steps, because I'm looking. I look past the mechanics of what youwrite down the names and you do this and you do that, and I'mpast the mechanical stuff which you can get by open up book and see ina chart or all that sort of stuff and just following directions and I tryto see what is the connection? Why is it that some people want?It's not that you stop going to meetings, I get that. Why do peoplestop going to meets? Why do people stop talking to this sponsor orpick the sponsors they pick? Why do people stop praying a mint. Whydo they see it? And then I start drawing a connection between the second, the the the ten step, the continuing the conttinuations program that will tellwhether you're going to have forty or fifty years of contented sobriety, and theseventh step and the six step, which separates the men from the boys,which has to do with making such a supreme commitment, more than a thirdstep commitment, so that you're repeatedly trying for a lifetime to grow in theimage and likeness of your Creator. And I see that there is a connectionthat that nothing in this world will cement you to this programmer of recovery andto this way of life against against the devils out there, the designs ofthe devil out there, nothing's going to nothing. Listen, guys, listen. If you don't commit yourself to the seventh step, to meet yourself toGod, the blond's going to get you. It's going to get you, theBrunette's going to get you, girls, a good looking guy, the marriageis going to get you. The good look at the family is goingto get you you don't cement yourself to the God that they're talking about inhere and you make him the center piece of your life. The money's goingto get you. It's not going to get you necessarily in a bad way. It'll get you in a way that you'll feel pleasure. You'll be runningafter, you'll you'll one day you will not go to the meeting because youdon't have time, because you got work. One day you won't go to themeetings because you promised this gal this, you promise this gown. One dayyou won't go to the meetings because you know you have to do they'llbe something out there that will draw you away, because you're out there twentyfour hours a day. You're in here like one hour day if you're lucky, and you'll start peeling this thing off and you know something. You won'tbe immediately pounded, you won't be crushed. Good Shit will happen to you.You'll make money, you'll do well. The problems they get too well toofast, and you'll start thinking and you're not drinking and you're getting blessingsand everything's going okay. They'll come that you're not going to meetings and you'renot you don't have a sponsor, because you don't need a sponsor, becauseyou don't have you don't have what we have, what we want, butyou have what you wanted in the first place, which is the same shityou were chasing after before you got here, because that's what you really want.And then what'll happen? As you got the house, you got thecar, you got this at all suddence, the war, an all sentence,cancer and all sense its off and you got no freaking place to go. You got no place to go. You can't run and hide because everythingit's been puffing you up and hold you up is gone. And you can'tgo back to a because your pridle stop it from going back to head,because you ain't going to pick a bit. You can't call me sponsor because yourprival stuff from going there. So you live a life of quiet desperationand you're alone, and that's the deal. And and maybe you'll just live miserablelife, or more than, like it would usually happens, you endup drinking a drug. Maybe you go to psychiatrist gives you some Zannex,whatever it is. Next thing you know...

...you're on pills, you're drinking adrug and then you're in the a meeting one day picking up a white shiptalking about how you stop twenty five years and you don't know what happened.And that's what happened because you didn't do the six step, because you weren'tcommitted, because the bottom line is the reason they have the six step inthere, the eleventh step and improving your relationship with God. It's goes tocement that holds you. It's not even the fellowship. Yeah, the fellowshipwill hold you in here for a while. You'll get friends and it's great tohave a great fellowship. We have one here, but you know,some eventually you'll find a fellowship out there, because you pray fellowship eventually. Ifthis fellowship isn't giving you the sacks or the money or the thing youthink you need, you know on the real fellowship in here is the Godfellowship. There's the God fellowship. So if the fellowship in here, ifyou're hanging around, you know there's two fellowships in here. Trust me,they're there. There are two fellowships. There's the God fellowship in the notGod fellowship. People that want to hear about God and feel about finding God. The people they don't want to hear that Shit. You know, trustme, it's here, okay, and they're not, and the not andthen not. God, Felshi don't really care about you, it really don't. You think they do. But it's like the fellowship of the Bar,but with coffee. It's like coming and I used to go to the barevery day at four o'clock. I love that fellowship. We drank. Wewas greatest fell I thought it's greatest fellowship in the world. It's not truefellowship. It's fellowship based upon mutual destruction. But there's another fellowship, President hereand you decide what you decide, what you're going to join. SaysGod will show you how to create the fellowship with crave. God will showyou to create the felloship crave. God will not show you how to greata fellowship that hates God. You understand. So you you you got to startreading behind the lines, to get a little discerning and find out whatthis thing is all about. And what you find out is that commitment toGod and commitment to worshiping God and doing the things you really talk about thisand fellowship with that that will make that completely cancels out the rest of theworld. The rest of the world can't touch, you can't touch, youcan't touch. You you last for thirty, forty years now. I felt alittle I feel a little guilty. I feel like I should say somethingabout the test that, although I actually feel I've already said a lot aboutthe test, that you understand. Maybe what I think maybe the most importingabout the test. that. But I want to tell you a couple thingsabout the ten step. Then I could rest these to night. When Isaid, well, I told him so. So I had to reach back inmy bag of tricks and go back to when I had like ten ortwelve years sobriety. I said, well, when you were doing the ten step, when you were actually doing the steps, you know what I mean. What did you used to say? So this is so this is at I'm going to give you two ten step stories. You know what Imean. So this is an official ten step beating. Okay, so itis, if I can remember, because now I know I forgot him.So when I was when I had about three or four years in the program, it's like thirty three, I don't know how older, thirty three,thirty four years old, I was working a law office. I had thissecretary very, very prim and proper from England, don't you know. Youknow, speaking with the English language, Nice Looking, very English, veryprim and property, you know, like like just that kind of stent.And and I'd like Mary poppins, you know, like well, like avery weird Mary poppins, maybe a little strange Mary poppins. But in anyevent, I had this secretary and I shared her with the boss, witha senior partner, and so one day I went up to speak to herbecause I had to dictate a letter, like sure, and she was onthe phone. She was talking the phone one of those swivel chairs. Igot to throw a chair here. What's your picture this? And I goup to and she's on the phone and this is what I hear. Thisis the words I hear. Oh, yeah, and then we got onthe boat. Frank looks so cute in his Oh, he was in theshorts. He looks so cute. And and then we went out and we'regoing to make lobster on the beach and I was having such a good timeand I'm standing there and I go like this, I go, I'm wait, I'm a sober alcohol you know.

I gave her thirty seconds, whateverit is, and and then I go like this, I go like this, I go because maybe she didn't knows me, but sometimes people overlooking.You know, I'm not noticeable. And she turned her back on me.She swibbled around, she said, she said, Leslie, I'm sorry,but there's somebody pestering me here and it's difficult for me to talk to you. Now I had about two or three years. Whatever thin veneer of sobrietyI had upon me at that time fucking vanished like Perrochiuma blew it away.You know what I mean? Now I understand it. Maybe children here soclose their ears. And I turned to her and I said listen to menow, this is before all this mail shown his his pig stuff. Thisis bad. You wouldn't believe this political correctness and everything. And I said, if you don't get off the phone, I'm to wrap that fucking phone aroundyou neck and orry up the fucking window, which I don't believe youcan do these days. It was effective, it was very effective. She gotoff her phone, I dick paid the letter and I started walking downstairs. So I'm walking downstairs and I'm thinking, I'm and and I'm telling you thefucking committee. She said this and I said that and I'm going tokill it. WHO The fuck? She thinks, yeah, I'm a blond, back and forth and that guy that. And before I got down the stairs, I hear this voice and it says you're wrong, you got tomake amends. I said that ain't going to fucking happen, but SI,that ain't Dan, ain't going to happen. Ever, you got to make amends, and I just keep on thinking. It's just killing me. I knowI got to do it. So I get to the bomb ses,I turn up and I walk up back the stairs and I look and Isaid now, I said I was wrong, I should never said that stuff toyou, and she looked at me says I was wrong too. That'sso she said. She said I was wrong too, and so that nightI was home with my kids, playing with them instead of in a barsomewhere talking about as fucking secret to her and getting drunk there. That's thefirst ten step story. Well, I got to do is try to rememberthe second one. Oh, this is a good one. I like thisone. Here's the second tense set story. So you see, I can actuallysee, see here's truth. I've actually done this shit. You knowwhat I mean. It's true. So the second one is I'm with I'min a car with my son. He's like twelve years ten years old,eleven years old, and I'm driving. I'm get to go to the bankand he, my son, is in the passenger seat. I'm in thedriver seat. Im supposed to go to public spook up something. I haveto cash check and I'm in the lane and there's like ten cars in frontof me and I've got my law I got my law count with that bank. I've got all Myke. I got like four different counts at bank.I got for the law office and every like that. It's like ten carsin front of me and I see this lane that says commercial business all andthere's nobody there. I'm a lawyer. I got my lost. So Igot four counts with this bank. I peel around. I go to thecommercial thing earlier. There is something like eighteen year old girl. Tell herthere I handed my check. She looks and says, I'm sorry, sir, this is for a commercial accounts only. I said yes, I understand,I'm a lawyer. I have my law office is account with this thing. I got four count you can check.

So I'm a commercial customer. SoHe's just I'm sorry, we can't do that. I we can't dothat. You'll have to go around away in line eighteen, you old girl. So I immediately whatever thin veneer of sobriety I had on me blows awayand I say, what's your name? I tould the I'm an attorney.I'm going to crush your fucking ass card. What's your name? Doris? Doriswhat? I need to know your name and your boss's name. Isaid, I need to know this. So I start bullying this young girl. It's probably our first job. She doesn't buckle. She you know,Baha Blind, the same thing, and I say screw this and I goover to public side. Did whatever. I don't catch the check and I'mwalking around public saying fucking girl when you can true, blah, blah.I'm going nuts and I get in the car. I drive back to thebank because it's just killing me. It's killing me because killed like that thewrong dudes of others. Fancy really just kill you. I'm dying. Igo back in line, I go up to the guy said listen, Iapologize. I was wrong for doing that, and she says, I mean Icould. She said, okay, thank you very much. As thatsaid, I drove home. That's not the end of the story. SoI drive home. I'm not thinking about her anymore. I did that andI'm in my room doing something. I hear from the other side of theHouse my son, the eleven year old, talking to my wife and he's sayingthings like this, and then he drove back to the bank and heapologized to her. He was like blown away, he could believe it.You know, your kids watch this shit, they listen to this stuff, theypay attention to how you act. They're like amaze. You know whatI mean. If you got kids, it makes a big difference. Youknow that's that's just too example that I listen to me. All my life, at least for the first twenty years, I was doing nothing but ten steps, because all my life I was screwing up, you know less.So I to be truthful with you, and you can say it's what Ijust don't I don't do it that much anymore because I just don't find myselffeeling guilty or feeling bad or feeling like, Oh man, I don't have peopleliving rent free in my house, my head, because one of thebenefits, because if you look at the ten step, what it says,eventually you practice something called restraint of tongue and pain, because one of thebenefits of the ten step is when you get over and over and over againmaking amends, at some point you say to yourself it's sort of clicks.I can't explain to your clicks like the book is, because says I'm sickand tired of making amends. You just get sick of apologizing and you sayI'm just not going to do stupid shit. You know, and the Lord givesyou the ability not to do stupid things, not all the time,but if you do, at least you know what you got to do,how to make amends, and so you live. It's a better life withoutpeople living rent free in your head. Okay, so thank you very much. God.

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