AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 4 months ago

Russell S. Step 10 at the 12 Step House 7/15/2021

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Russell S. Step 10 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 7/15/2021   

My name's rossis fast, some analcoholic, remember the sotik grip was great to be here. You guys crazy guys,so i want to you know i wish i could say i wish icould say plans do i. He was an alcoholic. What you can't hear me, you can't hear me that would be sheldon's fault. Thatwould be showman's phone he's turned the volume on an er me an you all hear me: okay, verygood! Thank you! I chrissy! Okay, you know i just i wantto say a couple of shouts out to some people wish. I could say i planned somethingfor you to night, but i never do because then i get nervous and try tofigure out what i was going to say and you'll know what i'm going to say wheni say it: okay, i'm gonna i'll! Somehow, somewhere along that i'll, tell youwhat i'm going to say and then then i'll tell you what i'm sayingand then i'll tell you what then i'll tell you what i told you you know sowe'll figure that out so i have the last year and a half or so idon't even know how long i've been have i've been on doem i've been. I hadthese great. I have this whole zoom family. We all devel, you know, saysgoloshed had to create the fulsome crape, so i have a lot of people allover the world now you know and we all get to meet people in different statesand thin all over the world. So i love these hybrid meetings because i get toinvite all my my good friends from new york, new jersey and all of the world.I see a bunch of these crazy people, there's tony from australia from sydneyand i don't want to start naming names because there's too many of them i'llleave somebody on an they'll get pissed off they're, so sick they'll get pissedoff anywhere. It doesn't even fucking me in anything. So but i got a wholebunch of them here from new york that flew out o new york for triny who's.Also here with his wife and family, were s training, but his wife and twochildren who celebrating three years? Okay, so i'm gonna have a chat out fortraining. I want to also invite you, if you havea chance, some time to say a prayer for steve boy or skins in new york, newjersey, his father, passed away and they're having the funeral- and i knowa lot of people aren't here on soon because they're in new york, new jerseygoing to his father's funeral and and also i'm sorry, prayers forsteve, shorge, wife, who was on the line now it looks pretty good to me. Itlooks better than me, you know i'll tell you, god bless you speak. You knowwe love you and and and prayers for jay. I know we spoke through a situation andjas. Where are you ja? Yeah he's not going through a situationanywhere he's fine. Now you know pray for all you guys. So it's good tobe here. So so i'm here to comfort the disturbedand disturb the comfortable. So let's start right out and do that shit. Youknow what i mean book of dueane, page, okay, here's the deal yahi,there's some sort of there's craziness going on here. But let me explain thisto you. I am this is my eleventh talk here and usually on the eleven s. Talk himout of the eleven step. You get that! Well, whatever you know, not that i'mactually doing the steps, but i mean that if this was a real step series,i'd be talking about the steps once in. While i touch on him, it's okay, buthere's the deal if this was a regular. If i actually knew what i was doing, i've found he say i've drink since janeon twenty f. I t a one, so i've been doing step series like this for thirtyyears now and and when i used to do them, you know back when i was younger,i'm seventy two now and and jeez right after i say. Seventy two mymind goes blank, it's the dimension. So when i started doing these thingsthirty years ago, i mean you, you really should have caught me when i hadlike ten or fifteen years. I was really good at this shit. You know i could. Iwas like right on top of the step, you know what i mean somewhere happenedsomewhere around twenty five years sarita my brain went to mush somewherearound the time when i stopped doing the steps and started well what i say,because i believe this is true. This is...

...my opinion. You know, based on when istarted living the steps, my life in the steps living the stepsliving a manner of living, that the man rigorous honesty, where i wasrefraining from restraining myself from tongue and pen,where the tents that was not so much apologizing or making amends, but more shutting thefuck up. You know what i mean: we're not saying what i was going to say ornot sending me email or not doing things, because it's dawned upon me- and youknow these things they time with some people with me a little bit more time,because i'm smart, because when you're smart, you rationalize you take somerationalized. It took me a lot longer because i operate like most apolisoperate on our feelings so feeling sort of over over they overwhelm values. Soyou say things like go screw yourself, your son of bitch. I hate your guts,you know, wot, you say shit, which you probably shouldn't saybut you, but your feelings, your feelings. Haveyou say it and then what happens is well if you didn't do that, i wouldn'thave said that. So you justify you have no control over your you had youdon't drink any more, but you have no control over your feelings and, like most alcoholics, you worshipyour feelings. You think your feelings are important. You think they'remeaningful. They have the basis for life. Sexual feelings well matic fieldthe basis for life, and you never quite understand why you're always screwingup they're hurting people and feeling crappy, because, instead of doing what's right,you do what you feel like doing and you always feel like what you're doing isright and you end up hurting a lot of people,but you don't give a shit, because the only feeling you care about is yourself,but your selfish and yourself set in and you driven my hundred funds of foryourself collusion. Tell seeking you step with those of others. A re talitysing at provocation, but you made decisions based on self based uponwatch. You say this and make the decisions based upon your selfishfeelings, which put you a position. We heard you understand. If somebody comesalong and says i don't really give a shit what the fuck you feel like, andyou go over there and help that other person. I don't give a shit with youfeel like doing it. You make the coffee for the group and you run intocharacters like that, and some people pay attention to them, fuse they don'twant to drink, and some people blow him off you. You understand what i'm sayingthe ones that blow him off end up drinking, never get this program theone to pay attention and do shit. They don't want to do and up staying so fora long period of time and get better, and you know that's pretty much simply,but the deal is but the deal, but so the same well,people's anonymous. You know i mean that's all i'm saying it's, and so ittakes a long time so, somewhere around twenty five years, when i stopped like in a sense doingthe steps like it was a. It was a separate thing. I did. Oh that's athird, i well that's the second time because it wasn't a third. I wasn'tturning my life over to god, because i was living. It turned over life. Iwasn't doing special things to turno because i'd wake up in the morning. I'dbe thinking about that and during the day, i'd be thinking about gone and i'd,be playing hymns or going to church watching this or doing that or hangingout people talk about god. So i was always thinking about god, but i didn'tthink about. It is the eleventh step, or it totally was just you know, inorder to get get the things that most people in here will never have. Youneed to be willing to do things that most people will never do and the truthis most people will do what they think of the steps in order to try to notdrink, but they'll never immerse themselves in a manner of living wherethey utterly abandon themselves to god what they do, what they're actuallytalking about in the book, but bill wilson did when he said the lord hasbeen so wonderful to me, her any other stellas he's day. I want to keeptalking about and telling other people like when bottatot. If you're an acisignostic got some sort of intellectual pride that keeps you from doing this. Ifeel sorry for you, you yeah your heavenly father. I never let you down,you know your really lines have to be on him when they never really get intothe real deal. You an stand. They just...

...want to do a once over lightly or fiveover lightly, but they're never going to do this because they're just goingto take get out of their face. That's your program, not my program. Whateverhell that is, they say you know what i mean. What happens? Is they don't staysober they drink after ten gers fifteen years or they find themselves live in alife of desperation, quiet desperation, which means that twenty years, thetwenty five years or thirty years sobriety of forty year sobriety, but they're lonely, but they're nothappy with their surprise. You know, but but at that point in timethey're lost they're lost in the wilderness because they haven't eventhey don't. Even they can't even summer up some summon up the desperation thata newcomer will do to do something. They will not be able to get thehumility to do what a new comin will do, because they're so proud of their notdrinking, and so the time when they might havedone in the knees and surrender themselves to god is really over andthen the cancer comes and the people die and the real shit starts happeningand they're they're, incredibly unprepared. For that, because i've seen him die as believersand i've seen him die as unbelievers, you don't want to die as an no you're,not don't want to die, not knowing where you going. It's a fearful thing. It's a fearfulthing if you haven't figured out yet, if you're an out call if you haven'tfigured out yet that at three o'clock in the morning or two o'clock in themorning or your entire life, that the thing that you hate the mostthat sost horrible thing is fear of the unknown. If you have en figured out that fear ofthe unknown and what's going to happen to you, it's the worst thing for analcoholic to deal with, then you and i are suffering from a different disease, because i've been doing this son of abush by the numbers, and i know the one thing i hate isworried about what may happen or what possibly may happen o. What's going tohappen. When i don't have the answer, and you know something, that's onething: what has to do with a sexual romance relationship? It's nothing whenit has to do with job is a nothing when has to do money. Whole other thingwould have to do with you, gonna liver die and they nobody else. Nobody gettingout of this thing without you know alive you're all going to go through it. You understand what i'm saying and iwatched it happen. You know i've seen the proof is in the pudding. Really. Iwatched the people you know goes. I've watched people go through reallyincredible times difficult times. As believers, i watch most of difficulttimes as non believers and i'm not you knowlistening. I was on at night, but i wasn't born last night, i'm not stupid.I can see how each one handles it and i don't. I don't want to be thatguy. You know what i mean that's freaking out in fifteen years, but idon't know where to go. I have no idea where to go because i've doneeverything i think they're tell me doing a a and it ain't working for meany more, and i don't even know how to to to talk to about it, not working forme anymore and that's even worse. I don't even know what you now, if you'rea newcomer, you know you got two or three or four years. We are not that prideful in yoursobriety. You know and that's scared you can you can throw up your hands andneed help. I know what's good. What's going on, you can maybe get somebody tostart a guide. You, and maybe you listen to him. Maybe you will go tobible study. Maybe we'll pay attention to the big book about causames. Whensays we encourage church membership. You know they say in the big book ofautpol an amis. We encourage church fever, that's what they said in thebook. They put it in the book. You know they put it in the book. Rarely have weseen for his fellows thoroughly fought they put in the book. They say this iswhat they say is almost the exact words. We encourage church membership. We encourage you to get closer andclose to god, so we encouraged his membership. Most of us belong to suchinstitutions. They don't tell you at church because they want you tocongregate with people that are talking about god. It helpswith the eleventh step that helps you...

...to get closer and closer. That's whythey put it in the book. They could have left it out of the book yeah. Theyhelped that guy the the ignored the atheist guy said. You know it's. We doall that stuff, but they put that in the book. That said, most of us aredoing that they put him on his so on and then they had. This line is win the ah, but it's optional and the founders raysay: we encourage church membership. Most of us do this. You know reallyhave a super sofias thoroughly found up at most of us. Do this we've beenrocket in the fourth imation of existence. We've experienced much ofheaven. God is the central fact of our life. He lives in our hearts and mindand way was de miraculous. You know where they talk about this stuff. Theytalk about the stuff, a church but synagogue, that's what they talkedabout this stuff. So the boy and they say we encourage church membership mustous do this. They say, but it's optional, so you got two types of beatone: hey. You have to the type of people that say it's extra credit. Iunderstand it's optional sex of credit, but i'm going to fucking. Do it anyway, god i'm gonna, do it anyway? Listen. There are people that play golfand then there are tiger woods. There are people that you know po valto they run track, and then they are olympian olympians now the olympians, what they do, theguys who get the gold crown they work every every every day to be far ahead of anybody who's insecond place, so they can win the gold crown knowing they'll, never getperfection but they're shooting for the tent in six and sixth step talents in thisgroup that would be called not settling for a personal idea of what good is butsettling for the idea of what we where we have to go, which is in the mind ofgod other words settling that. What we have to do here is shoot for perfection,even understanding we will never get there and there are people that do the sixstep they're few and far between says. You know there really are the one thatseparates them or the boys. Men are called a fewer choses. There are peoplethat will shoot for that, and they will do the extra credit ship.They will do the extra credit ship. They will do the extra credit stuff,they will go to the church and well the bible, sto, the twelve and twenty doboygrolier says, and it's all over our literature. It says the books we found absolutelyessential or first corinthians thirteen summer of the mounds of oga james, absolutely essential, really obvious infor fills serve all this. There are people that will read those books andstudy them because they're in for the they're in for the extra credit they'rein for the long run they're in for any for the deal. You know what i mean there are those people. There arepeople that are, and those people are always talking about god. They want tolisten to people or dot talking about god. They love to hear that stuff andhe and then there are people than the other type people that hate people totalk about this shit. They walk out of rooms and they hate people that talkabout that shot shit because they are not going to do it and they don't wantto do it and they think you shouldn't talk about it. Even though it's in thebox, they don't want you to, i don't want anybody to do it, because i, ifthat's, what a becomes they might have to do it and they don't stick around and theydrink or they're, not happy with theirsobriety and then don't realize the joy of livin and unfortunately, because of aa andbecause of the consequences of our drinking and the consequences ofalcoholism. Unless until an alcoholic septs isalcoholism, all its consequences is the bribe to be precarious one of theconsequences of alcoholism. Is that we're codependent? Now i don't evenknow what cod of penn beans, but i think it has some to do it. What weworry about. We worry a lot about what other people think about us. Eventhough we tell ourselves, we don't worry about, we don't care what otherpeople think about is, and so what happens is if somebody in a room looksat you with disdain or tells you we don't do the god thing or you may hurtother people, you fucking believe him,...

...because the one fear and alcohol, asthat should be on all your list, is a fear of the judgment of other people and the only free the biggest freedomyou get in the promises. Is you lose fear of other people in a vector andmost of us have that connect in security because we lose our car a job.We worry about what people think about. So the point is the victory in a a islosing fear of other people in their judgment upon you and the death in a a is that we sit ingroups of people, it ain't well, people's anonymous that tell us weought to be afraid of them and not do what's really in the book. What's rightin front of them, because you'll be judged badly. So at some point along the long. Theway you either have to decide who you're going to hang out with andhere's the great thing it's a personal decision for you nobody's going forwish, one with the other. You know there's going to be for every personlike me that saying go this way. This the person says sol bullshit, go thatway and you get to judge and the same address rehear. So what your life isgoing to be like it's as simple as that, whether you continue to be scared ofother people and be in that bondage, which is even worse than the drink asbad as the drinking the bondage of worrying about what other people thinkabout you or you're, going to be free, you'regoing to do you're going to know the new freedom of the new happies, thenyou get that choice so many years ago you remember dr young,remember what dr young said my spots. So what do you do? The things you do?Why do you say the things you do rosa i said that's my personality? Is yourpersonality is killing you? How do you have really a person? How doyou get rid of the the personality that told you about lots of fellows yeah,the one i think it be the personality where you get in the crisman? I wonderwhat they think about that meeting. I don't like t. I think somebody workedthe walk down. I don't think they like me years. How do you get rid of thatshit when you've been living with that shit? All your life? Okay? Well, youcan't only god can. How do you ever ea to drink, and only god can do that.Only you know. Only god can do that. You don't turn to wait. You you turnaway from god. You turn towards god. You know you got your choice, curses orblessings. That's the deal, so the bottom line is so i have this. So i have this so over a period of time and it takestime it takes a lot of time. Then a lot has to with do you hang out with. I wastold the man of women you'll be in next five years will tend who you hang outwith the books you read and quite frankly, books. I read were basicallythat, based upon who i hung out with what i did based upon it, who i hungout with and who i listen to it, who i believe you know- and i don't know whyi tended to hang out with these people rather than i guess it is a problem ofattraction. I wanted what that guy. Had i wander what out kennedy had who, assign of cancer- and he always do- is trying to help other people. He was nottalking about his cancer. He could have talked about his case. There's nothingwrong. Talking about his cancer, you know, but he was talking about. He wastrying to help other people. I need to have you do that shit? How do you know you're dying? You onlyhave a few months to live and you go to me and you start talking about otherpeople and trying to help the night. How do you i couldn't do that? Icouldn't. I couldn't do that, but i know i wanted. I knew there wassomething special about that so on an event, so, apparently in dryoung, when he says he says he's talking rollin hasard, he says ideas,emotions and attitudes that, with the god and changing of the personalitysaid it's a he said it's some sort of psychic change, it's a god, drivenchange. It doesn't even matter whether you go to church or anything thatsomething happens. These people ideas, emotions attitudes that are be guidingforce of these men's lives or push the one side and they become dominated byhome new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes, hole. New idea! Is that what you want?It said it says if you, since it says we must get rid of the selfish tis, wemust or kills us god makes that possible. I'm sorry, i mean you're taught yourown opinion on tell your own facts.

That's what the but says! God makesthat possible, and it says once you make a sincere decision, for god, allsorts of amazing things happen being all powerful. He gives us everything weneed if we stay close to him and perform his work. Well, that's what itsays: that's what the book says. That's the program of recovery. I don't carewhat you think the pro you may think. The program recovery has to the fourstep. Now you may think the program an cover y has to the fit tat. Now theseare but tools we use exercise we take to the gym in order to get fit in order to get the promises. You know the program of recovery is not the barbells. You know we don't worship the bar bells. You know at the end of the pro recovery.What's supposed to happen, is you're supposed to have some sort of abidingconviction and commitment to god. That's what the six step says: the menand the boys, the men are the ones that are repeatedly trying to do this, sothey can roll in the image in like this their creator. What do you thinkthey're talking about what kind of mindset you have to how delude it? I know we're delusional,but how deluded do you have to be to honestly believe they're, not talkingabout having an abiding, serious commitment to god and making him theset of is real life when they say it over and over and over again, and ofcourse they lie in the big book. But it's a good lie. It's a white line.They what they do know in they're, working with crazy people. Look when you're working with crazypeople. What you have to do is you do what i doyou act crazy so that they feel hey that guy's crazy.I'm crazy! I like that guy he's fucking crazy, but in the midst of backing crazy yousay the upward a couple of times just have like this guy he's not fit in thein the middle of acting crazy once you on going for you is what i'm doing tothis. As you say, shit that makes sense. So it's too fucking late. They can'ttake it out of their mind. You know because they allowed it in. You knowwhat i mean. So i said the guys fucking nuts, but you make sense. I like whatdo you know what i mean so that they do the same thing in the big book. Theysay we don't want to deprecate material rechen. No, anybody wants to put downmoney and then two lines later they say but nobody's were part of their lifeand running after you know, blondes bunessan, red set heads and money andall is it's all bad. You got to make god number one. I mean how many timeswe have to say you know you're okay, but you need to go to god. You're, okay,but you need to go to die, go okay, but can ed you go to guy go okay with youneed more god. You got to increase your contact with t o t how many times theyhave to say. I mean how stupid can it out very stupid or is my as my wonderful philosopher,john wayno said what life is tough if you're stupid,it's even tougher. You know what i mean so two sand years ago, no eight hsan years ago, ten sand yearsago, because what's his face call young said these things have been happeningalong moses. Anybody heard o mer, moses, very big in the old testament. I'mtelling you major hero the old test of the whole bible deal. If you jewishthis won't offend. You don't worry about it. It's like a moses thing. You know, and he was he was like big on the god. God thingby the way, he really was bush that does not consume himself. Did all thisstuff on up the farewell was scared. You know don all this stuff did thefirst step that all the steps you know so no serious ye did did them all yeahthat jesus came along fonso twelve. You know the rest of the story, but in anyevent the bottom line so moses and do teron me look it up. Do no mo do toronethirty after he led the. After all the stuff happened. All the miracleshappened. All the curses on easy cabot leads the jews out of the israel et outof you know into the deal in the desert. He's bon answer the god. The land he'sall he's about to retire. Okay, it's...

...i'm telling you he's leaving joshuastashes josh mis go bat. Take o he's coming in okay he's bout to retire, sohe gives a little speech to all the jew. He gives a littlespeech it's in dudar on my thirty or to look it up. You don't have to assomption, but i would do it. I nyoula has co ofthe steps it actually has to do with the ten ta. If you want to know somebody tess thatyou need to look at moses's speech to the jews in dunearn y thirty itaryabout the tent stuff, did you know that? Well i can promise you this thefounders of a a mac because they studied the bible. Just they came out of the oxford group,so i can promise you they knew it, but listen. If there's anything know aboutalcoholics, they're very happy to remain stupid and not do more they'revery happy. You know, they're lazy, your happy to be main, you know whatdoes it say have to do it. Nobody said i have to do it. You know relation bad.You know i'm spiritual you're, not spare. Where did you? Where did you getthe idea, your spiritual? Why do you think you go to all these made? You gotto his mean, so you won't fuck up because of all the temptations of theof the outside world. I take you away from these meetings. You're out therehaving sex cuan orgies to all. So it's a crazy shit. You know what i mean. Youare not spiritual, you're, evil! No, no, no say that would pride. The bible saysthe heart. A man is able. If there's one thing, one of the things you got tolearn in here: it's not the bullshit yourself. Don't take yourself seriously,don't bush itself, don't think to yourself when you say, i'm spiritualthat you like on that territory, that you bought it it's paid for, and youcan move away from these matins and move away from sponsorship and go outthere in that world with those people with the money with the cars with thejewelry, with the tv, with the movies, with all the temptations and remainokay and not drinking ninety nine percent of the shit. Youcomplain about a a that means, got a means has to do with trying to dealwith the outside world and that shit, because you can't handle it so when he going to wise up when you going to figure this shit outso moses says this: it's called the speech of curses and blessings. Hebasically says this. If you continue to do what god tells you to do, you're going to be prosperous and youcan have incredible lives, then you got have all these blessings, but if you don't you screwed now i read a lot of versions of the bible.I read the king james version, the king jimmy version. You know i read, i readthe niv, you know the new international version i use the es. I use a lot ofversus different versions because i want more it's optional, but i wantmore. You know, because i want to be anolympian. You understand what i'm saying. So i do that stuff. There's no version. I found where moses, where it says moses said.If you don't continue to do this, you'll be screwed. I just want you toknow this. Okay, that's my own translation, okay, but i want tounderstand something- and i believe this in my heart: it's an accuratetranslation. It's an accurate translation. I said that for you guys,because because i talk alky, you got to be able to talk out cayosta. You knowthey possible said i become all things to all men by using all means i winsone of them. You know what i mean you got to talk alky. You can't talk thelong shore men and talk like your a college professor at harvard. You knowwhat i mean you got to talk like a long shoreman. If i'm talking alcoholics, igot a talk alce, which means i have to get crazy. You know at an i got ayellow, crazy. You know what i mean, because i know how we talk to ourselves,which is really the only person we ever have a decent conversation with...

...gus who the hell, because nobody elseunderstands right. You know what i mean. You know that nobody understands a so ibe so so i want to tell you that's what it is. If you continue to do what godwants you to do, and you do this thing, it's going to be a thing, a blessingfor you and joy, and if you don't it's all hard and we got a lot of people in here thatare coming back or they'll say things like well, this isn't my first time or or i had eight years one time and theni blew it or i had five years and then i blew it or you know i've been arounda for thirty years, but i got three months. We got a lot o give nothingwrong with that. I'm glad you guys are here, but every one of these people that arethat way you know, are starting over or whostarted over in their lives every one of these people who are doing that. Who are that deal?If you ask them or if they talk to me as they'll, say you'll sand, you saywhy did you go out? They say i stopped doing this. I stopped going to meetings. I stopped speaking to my sponsor. Istopped doing the they'll just tell you about how they stopped continuing. They didn't continue. It's the only different. The only thing,that's new in the tenth step, continue to take personally betorn. Theinventory is in new. It's we continue to take. We continue to take the same.Invetorate have been taken. We learned the fore step. We continue to takepersonal ivanto when we're wrong with probably a minute. That's the fifthstep make a man's. That's the nine step. That's yet there's nothing new in thetenth step, except the word continued for us continued as a major major word,because, no matter what you say as to why you couldn't do this thing or whyyou couldn't stay sober, no matter what you say to me well, this is the reasonwhy my mother died. The parakeet needed a champion. I could i don't care whatyou say. The bottom line is at the heart of it. After i wipe up all thebullshit, it's i stopped continuing. I stopped continuing so now being smartalcoholics. You say this you're sitting there right now. Anybody ever saythings like i'm going to stop drinking man before i came there. I said that amillion times, if you never do it like pronouncing you're, going to stopdrinking pronouncing you're going to stop drinking like you have some powerto stop. I'm gonna! How about this i'm going to stop thinking about this shit. You ve, you ever said, tell yousomethin goin, to stop thinking about that stuff and then it's another weeklong of thinking about it. You know why, because you don't realize your power,you've lost the concept of the fact that you need god because you'repowerless, you can't. You can't stop thinking about it. If you even stop tothinking about it, you wouldn't be here. If you can stop drinking, you wouldn'tbe here. If you could stop wearying, you wouldn't be here. If you could stoplusting after this world and the people in this world, you wouldn't be here. Ifyou could stop being lonely, you wouldn't be here you're here, becauseyou can't stop it. You don't even know you can't stop it. That's one of thebiggest proms javine, because you think you can stop it. You don't know youcan't stop it. You can do the steps that you just don't know. You can'tstop it. You have not surrendered to the fact that you can't stop. You can't stop. You could stop drinkingagain, stop doing all this other stuff. It's plaguing you know. So what happened so we come in here andwe say things like and i said this i've said this. I've heard guys talk aboutslipping. I had three five years. I so so i'm just never going to stop goingto bed because you hear it means why do peopledrink because they stop going to me and she's? That's pretty simple! I'm onthis! I'm just never going to stop going to meetings, but then, all of a sudden, you realizesomething. It's really kind of cousin that every one of these people, the guywho had thirty years, got like twenty years and i and one time sat anaudience like you did and said: i'm s never going to stop going to meand they stopped anyway.

So you start thinking, apparently maybethat's the problem. I think i can make a pronouncement and have it stick andmaybe the promises i'm powerless of that stuff, and then you start late, and so whathappens to me is later on down the road. At twenty five years of thirty fiveyears, i actually started drawing connecting dots, and this is why, maybe i don't talkabout the steps, but i do talk about the steps this i'm lo, i look past themechanics of well, you write down the names and you do this and you do that.I'm past the mechanical stuff, which you can get by open up a book andseeing a chart or all that sort of stuff and just following directions,and i try to see what is the connection. Why is it that some people want it'snot that you stop going to meetings? I get that. Why do people stop going themeats? Why do people stop talking to this muchor pick the sponsors they pick? Why do people stop praying him at? Why do theydo it? And then i start drawing a connection between the second, thetense step, the continuing the conconino program. That will tellwhether you're going to have forty or fifty years of contented sobriety andthe seventh step and the sixth step which separates the men from the boyswhich has to do with making such a supreme commitment more than a thirdstep commitment, so that you're repeatedly trying for a lifetime togrow in the image and likeness of your creator, and i see that there is aconnection that that nothing in this world will sement you to this programof recovery into this way of life against against the the devils out there. The designs of the devil out therenothing's going to nothing, listen guys! Listen! If you don't commit yourself to theseventh step, commit yourself to god, the blonde's going to get it's going to get you the brunette's going to get you girls,a good looking guy, the marriage is going to get you. The good look at thefamily is going to get you. You don't submen yourself to the god that they'retalking about in here and you make him the ceti piece of your life, themoney's going to get you. It's not going to get you necessarilyin a bad way. It'll get you in the way that you'll feel pleasure, you'll berunning after you one day. You will not go to the meeting, because you don'thave time because you got work one day. You won't go to the meetings becauseyou promised to scale this. You promise this on one day. You won't go to themeetings, because you know you have to do there'll be something out there thatwill draw you away because you're out there, twenty four hours a day, you'rein here like one hour day if you're, lucky and you'll start peeling thisthing off and you know something you won't be immediately pounded. You won't be crushed. Good shit willhappen to you. You'll make money, you'll do well the problem. Is they gettoo well too fast and you'll start thinking, n you're, not drinking andyou're getting blessings and everything's going okay, they'll comethat you're not going to meetings and you're? Not you don't have a sponsorbecause you don't need a sponsor because you don't you don't have whatwe have what we want, but you have what you wanted in the first place, which isthe same shit you were chasing after before you got here because that's whatyou really want and then what will happen? Is you gotthe house? You got the car, you got this and all of a sudden, it's the warsand all of sun. It's cancer and all of a sudden sits on and you got nofreaking place to go. You got no place to go. You can't run and hide becauseeverything has been puffing. You up and holding you up is gone and you can't go back to a because yourpride'll stop you from going back to because you ain't on to pick up by. Youcan't call me spots because your private stuck from going there. So youlive a life of quiet, desperation and you're alone, and that's the deal and and maybe you'll just livemiserable life or more than like it would usually happen. You end updrinking a drug, maybe go to psychiatrist, gives you some zanewhatever it is. Next thing you know:...

...you're on pills, you're drinking, adrug and then you're in the a meeting one day, picking up a white shiptalking about how you tap twenty five years- and you don't know what happened and that's what happened. We. Shedidn't do the six ten, because you weren't committed, because the bom lineis the reason they have the six step in there, the eleven step and theimproving a relation with god. Its goes the cement that holds you. It's noteven the fellowship yeah. The fellowship will hold you inhere for a while you'll get friends and it's great to have a great fellowship.We have one here, but you know some eventually you'll find a fellowship outthat, because you pray fellowship eventually, if this fellowship isn'tgiving you the sex or the money or the thing you think you need. You know thereal felshin, and here is the god fellowship is the god fellowship so the fellowshipin here? If you hang around, you know, there's two fellowships in here: trustme: there eh, there are two fellowships, there's the god fellowship and the notgod fellowship. They are people that want to hear aboutgod and feel about finding god the people they don't want to hear thatshit. You trust me it's here: okay and they're, not in thee, not and then ogod, felson h, don't really care back o. They really don't you think they do,but it's like the fellowship of the bar, but with coffee. It's like coming to i used to go to thefar every day at four o'clock. I love that fellowship. We drank we wasgreatest call. I thought it's greatest fellowship of the rol. It's not truefellowship it's fellowship based on usualdestruction, but there's another felshin presenthere and you decide we what you decide whatyou're going to join says. God will show you how to create the fellowshould be crave. God will show you the crate. The fell you crave. God will notshow you how to great a fellowship that hates god you understand, so you got to startreading behind the lines to get a little discerning and find out whatthis thing is all about, and what you find out is that commitment to god andcommitment to worshiping gone and doing the things to really talk about thisand felt shud with that that will make that completely cancels out the rest ofthe world. The rest of the world can't touch. Youcan't touch. You can't touch you you'll. Last for thirty.Forty years now i felt a little, i feel a littleguilty. I feel like i should say something about the test. The, althoughi actually feel i've already said a lot of bout. The test you understand, maybe what i think,maybe the most important in about the test up, but i want to tell a couplethings about a ten ep. Then i can rest these and i we i said. Well, i told himso so i had to reach back and my bag of tricks and go back to when i had liketen or twelve years sobriety. I said when, when you were doing the tent step,when you were actually doing the steps you know what i mean, what did you useto say? So this is so. This is a ten i'm going to give you two ten stepstories. You know what i mean, so this is an official ten step. Beating. Okay,so is if i can remember him because now- and i forgot it so when i was when i had about three orfour years in the program- it's like thirty three, i don't know how old arethirty. Three, thirty, four years old, i was working a law office. I had thissecretary very, very prim and proper from england. Don't you know you know,speaking with the english language, nice look and very english, very primand proper. You know like like just the of that kind of an and and i'dlike mary poppins. You know like well like a very weird marry popet, maybe a little strange mary poppins,but an event. I had this secretary and i shared with the boss with the senipartner and so one day i went up to speak to her because i had to dictate aletter. I sure, and she was on the phone. She was talking the phone one of thoseswile chairs. I got got a sol chair watch on picture this and i go off toand she's on the phone, and this is what i hear. This is the words i hear oh yeah and then we got on the boat,frank, looked so cute in his awe. He was in the shorts, he looked so cuteand and then we went out and we're going to make lobster on the beach, andi was having such a good time and i'm standing there and i go like this. I go. I wait,...

...i'm a sober alcohol. You know i gaveher thirty seconds, whatever it is and andthen i go like this. I go like this. I go because maybe she an knows me whatsometimes people overlook me on not noticeable and she turned her back on me. Sheswabbed around. She said she said leslie. I'm sorry, but there's somebodypestering me here and it's difficult for me to talk to you now i had about two or three years, whatever thin veneer of sobriety. I hadupon me at that time. Fucking vanished, like perosia, blew it away. You knowwhat i mean now. I understand it may be childrenhere so close their ears and i turned to her- and i said, listeno me now. This is before all this maleshovin pig stuff. This is back. You wouldn't believe this politicalcorrectness and everything- and i said if you don't get off the phone, i'mgoing to wrap that fucking thonon neck and throw out the fucking window, which i don't believe you can do these.Then it was effective. It was very effective.She got off of home, i dictate the letter and i started walking downstairsso i'm walking downstairs and i'm thinking i'm and i'm telling you thefucking committee. She said this and i said thad and i'mgoing to kill him who the fuck she thinks yeah, i'm a blind back and forthand that go there and before i got down the stairs. I hear this voice and it says you're wrong. You got to make a mans. Isaid that ain't going to fucking happen cause i that ain't that ain't going tohappen ever you got to make a man an i just keep onthinking. It's just killing me. I know i got to do it so i get to the bomba says i turn upand i walked up back the stairs and i look at i said now. I said i was wrong. I should never say thistug to you and she looked at me says i was wrongto that's all. She said he said i waswrong to and so that night i was home with mykids playing with them. Instead of in a bar somewhere talking about his fuckingsecretary, a getting drunk. That's the first ten step story. A i got to do is try remember thesecond o. Oh, this is a good one. I like this one, here's the second tensen story. So you see, i can actually see, see his true. I have actually donethis shit. You know what i mean it's true, so the second one is i'm with i'm in acar with my son he's like twelve years ten years old, eleven years old and i'm driving i'm getting to go tothe bank and my son is in the passage or seat i'm in the driver set themsolos go to public pick up something i have to cash check and i'm in the laneand there's like ten cars in front of me and i've got my law. I got my lawcount with that bank. I've done all my. I got like four different counts thatback i got for the law office and everything like that is like ten carsin front of me, and i see this lane that sayscommercial business on and there's nobody there. I'm a lawyer, i got my lows: i got fouraccounts for this bag appeal around. I go to the commercial thing early inthis i'm like eighteen year old girl tell her there. I handed my check. Shelooks at he says: i'm sorry, sir. This is for a commercial accounts only. Isaid yes, i understand. I'm a lawyer, i have my law offices account with thisthing. I got four counts. You can check...

...so i'm a commercial customers so ike.Just i'm sorry. We can't do that. We can't do that. You'll have to goaround a way in line eighteen year old girl. So i immediately whatever thinveneer of sobriety. I had on me blows away, and i say: what's your name, i pull the amanatorney, i'm going to crush your fucking ass card. What's your name, doris doris? What i need to know yourname and your boss's name. I said i need to know this, so i start bullyingthis young girl. It's probably her first job. She has a buckle. She youknow bahbahbah and the same thing and i i say screw this and i go over topublic. I did whatever i don't catch the check and i'm walking around publicsineii girl, wouldn't even trechi, i'm going nuts and i get in the car. Idrive back to the bank because it's just killing me it's killing me becauseguilt like that, the wrong doings of others fancy rely, just kill you i'mdying. I go back in line. I go up to the guy said. Listen, i apologize. I was wrong for doing thatand she says i mean i onsteady. Thank you very much as that's i i drove home,that's not the end of the story, so i drive home, i'm not thinking abouther anymore. I did that and i'm in my room doing something i hear from theother side of the house, my son, the eleven year old talking to my wife andhe's saying things like this and then he drove back to the bank and heapologized to her. He was like blown away. He couldn't believe it. You know your kids watch this shit, they listen to this stuff. They payattention to how you act they're like amazed, you know what imean. If you got kids, it makes a big difference. You know, that's! That's just toexample. I listen to me all my life, at least for the first twenty years. I wasdoing nothing but ten steps because all my life, i was screwing up, you knowless, so i to be truthful with you and you could say it's what i just don't. Idon't do it that much anymore, because i just don't find myself feeling guiltyor feeling bad or feeling like. Oh man, i don't have people live in rentree inmy house, my head, because one of the benefits, because if you look at thetense that what it says eventually, you practice something called restraint oftongue and pen, because one of the benefits of the tent step is when youget over and over and over again making amends at some point. You say toyourself it's sort of clicks. I can't explain it to your clicks. Like thebook miska says, i'm sick and tired of making amends you just get sick ofapologizing and you say i'm just not going to do stupid shit. You know, and the lord gives you the ability notto do stupid things, not all the time. But if you do it at least you know whatyou got to do. Go to make amends, and so you live it's a better life withoutpeople living renfrew in your head. Okay, so thank you very much. God.

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