AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 10 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 10 from the Coral Room Zoom March 5, 2021 - Abrupt ending due to accidental Zoom meeting closure

Hi, my name is Ross. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, guys, how you doing? It's everybody wonderful. So so let's try to let's get this train rob we're going to do this deal. I want you. And I'm an alcoholic, by the way. I mentioned that. It's true. I am. I'm found necessary to have a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. So that's a good thing. That's a good thing. So I'm going to talk about something. Don't put any pressure on me, you know, I just want you to know. Can You? Can everybody hear me, by the way, because yeah, I think thanks, cody. I appreciate the thumbs up. You know, I just want you to know I've been doing this thing for I think I've been doing step series for like thirty seven years now or something, and I want you to know, in defense of myself, there was actually a time in my life where I actually spoke about the steps. I want you to know that I might be capable of doing it now. I don't know. You know, Hell's bell's we don't know what's going to happen here. I'm just going to leave it up to the Lord and whatever is on my heart. But now, in my strange way of thinking, you need to understand something. I'm seventy, I'm going to be I'm going to be seventy two this month. I haven't found that to have a drinking over forty years I've raised four kids, seven grand kids self, you know, really self supporting through my own contributions most of the time. I've been through the bullshit. You know I've been through the bullshit. Let me tell you I've been through I've been through the desert. I've been through the desert. I've been in out, back and forth. I've been through the deal. I've been in hand to hand combat with this disease for a long time. And and you have to understand something. You know, my perspective has changed. You know, my perspective has changed and and I've developed. Now this is dangerous stuff. I've developed certain opinions based upon my experience. One of my sponsors use to tell me when a man with experience meets a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will have walked away with an experience. So I'm going to I'm going to probably express some opinions now. It May, you know, and may hurt some people's feelings. They may they may feel I'm wrong and I can understand that. You know, and it's not my intention to hurt anybody's feelings. It's just something that happens every time I talk. So I can't help but it's not my fault. Don't blame me. And besides, if you get all pissed off about what I'm saying, by the time I'm done with this thing I'll probably change my mind. I'll say, why did I say that? You know? So rule sixty two. Don't take yourself so seriously and remember whenever you have disturbed, matter what the cost or something wrong with you, that's the spiritual ax. I didn't make that I didn't make that stuff up.

So I'm going to promise you by the time we get to the end of this thing I'll be something in there, something about the ten step. I'll probably be in there. I've been doing this. I've been actually doing the test step myself first, like for a long time. So sometimes it's kind of hard to see what these steps are all about. You know what you were when you first come in there such a mystery and you know, the so unusual and they were so strange and there's such a different way of life and and it says in the Big Book and the Twelve and twelve, it says. It says the way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations and the final crushing of our self sufficiency. And believe me, I I have a PhD. And repeated humiliations and screwing up this thing. And so my perspective about the ten step has changed. So I'm going to sort of I'm going to sort of give you my take on what the ten step it's all about from the point of view of somebody who's seventy two years old, has been doing it for forty years, you know. So it's not going to look like it's not going to look like a how to do it deal. It's not. I'm not going to tell you how to do the ten step or any of that stuff. I'm going to tell you I'm gonna go a little I'm going to dig a little deeper in the I'm going a little deeper. I want to go underneath, underneath the the ten step. Okay, so you give you a little bit more perspective. Now, this is my opinion. This is my perspective. I put a couple of things on in chat that I really invite you to read. I mean, if you take a couple minutes, I'm Gonn give you a couple reads to read it. That have something to do with what I'm going to talk about tonight. Quite honestly, I'm sparing you guys the scripture. I'm going to be going into that on I'm doing a live again beating at thirty one be going into the scriptural backing for this. I'm not going to do it tonight at the AA meeting, you know. But the bottom line is so I want to talk a little bit ten step. So the ten step, let me try remember what it actually says. It says something like continue to take what is it says? Let's the ten step, Lily. What's IT say? 'Nus. So what a ten step said continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitting. Yeah, that's what it said. That's what it says. Very good, thank you very much. I'm all, don't make fun of it, you know. So, so it continue to take personal inventory. So that so listen, here's my take. This is the way I think I may be the long I'm sober. I'll tell you the simplest thing. I think when they say continue to take personal inventory, there's saying that we continue to take the personal inventory that we, like we took in the fourth step. is any does that make any sense to anybody? I think it means continue to take personal inventory, because that's the only inventory I know about, person inventory that they teach me in the fourth step. And when we were wrong, promptly when we wrong, what would have to probably a bit. So that's sort of what to me sounds like steps eight and nine. And then, I think, if I remember correctly,...

I haven't read in a while, I think when you take the set ten step, you like continue to look for fear and you continue to look for all these things. You continue to look for where you were wrong and and and when you're wrong, you're supposed to admit it. You're supposed to talk to somebody, right. It's almost like you're doing the fifth step again. And and then they where you were wrong, you're supposed to promptly make amends or something. Is Am I getting this right? Tell me if I'm getting this right. Okay, so another's it's like continue to do all the stuff that you've already done. I might Cassandra, what do you think? I think it's continue to do all the stuff you've already done. How many think? How many people think that I'm I might be right about that. Well, if you think I'm wrong, I don't want to talk to you anyway, because I'm right. It's continue to do all the stuff you already done. So, if it's continue to do all the stuff you've already done, then why do we gonna have a ten step? It's time making sense to me trying to figure this thing out. Continue. What do we learn about the ten step? What's the tense toball about? So let me tell you something. After years of research into this deal, I actually have figured it out and I'm going to give you the secret about the ten step. This is what the ten step is about. Are you ready for this? It's about only one thing, only one thing. Continued, continued. The I'm trying to boil this down for you. Continue. It's about continued. It's about continued when you have ten years, it's about continued when you have twenty years, it's about continued when you have forty years. It's about continued as anybody ever gone to a meeting where somebody has slipped in their coming back in and pick up a white chip? You don't have to ten years, fifteen years. Did you ever hear him say something like this? Well, I stopped going to meetings your rooms. Well, I stopped speaking to my sponsor. Well, I stopped going to a A. Well, I stopped praying for God to God. Well, I you ever hear somebody after you start talking doing about what happened? Why did you drink? They talk about how they stopped doing stuff, or or they didn't stop doing stuff, they never did the shit in the first place. You under there's the two ways of doing it. Number One, you never did this stuff in the first place, and that case that's not a ten step. You just never did it. You were never in the program anyway. But then there's apparently another type of person that stops continuing. Let's start. Have you ever said to yourself? I said this to myself one time at a meeting. I said I got I got the answer here. The answer is, I'm just not going to stop. See All these bozos. They stopped. I'm not going to...

...stop. I'm never going to stop. I said I'm never going to stop. So, but but then, you know, here's what I'm thinking. I've seen guys for twenty, thirty years drink again. So I'm thinking to myself that I think that these guys were probably, at what time, at a meeting where they said I'm never going to stop. What do you think? I think that these guys were probably at a meeting where they said they're never going to stop doing this stuff and they stopped. So I'm not so sure making a really sincere, dramatic, powerful argument that I ain't never going to stop. I'm not really sure that works with alcoholics, you understand. Has Anybody ever said before they came today, I'm going to stop, I'm not going to I'm not going to drink anymore. You ever do that? You ever say that I'm never going to drink in how'd that work out for you? I work out for you. Anybody ever take a what do you think? What do we do at the end of the year? The New Year's deal? Oh, anybody make a new year's resolution? I'm going to lose fifty pounds. You ever do one of those deals? I'm going to stop smoke and I'm going to stop visit. How do that work out for you? How you do so? Alcoholics, listen, here's the deal. Alcoholics don't do well at New Year's resolutions. Now, alcoholics are great starters and Shitty finishers. I'm sorry, used Word Shit. I actually made about of myself. I'm going to stop cursing, but I haven't able to fucking do that. So what can I say? I just can't do it. I just I'm sorry. I'm just. You know, there are people in a a that are spirit you know, you ever hear people say, I'm spiritual, not religious. I'm spiritual. I'm spiritual. I'm not. I'm not spiritual. I'm not. You know, I'm you know. You ever people say, well, you're not a bad person trying to be good, YOU'RE S I'm a bad person trying. I'm the OPS. I'm a bad I'm an evil, selfish, bad person. I try to be good but I fail all the time. So my problem is based upon my reading the Big Book of My life, is I'm a bad, selfish person. But ever since I've been partnering up and running with the Lord, I seem to try, I seem to love people in act better see, I'm a bad person. WHO, if I if I worship God, somehow, somehow, I don't do shitty things. Now you may think it's terrible to call yourself a bad person, but for me it works. For me it works. I own who I am. I own what I did to people. I...

...own what I did to my ex wife. I would say it was some other guy, or I'm basically a good boy, or anythink. I own who I am and who I tend to be and all the consequences of being an alcoholic. You ever seen the big book? They seemed, you know, how they say. They say they seem to be born that way. I heard a guy speaking in AI, mean today. He said I was born an alcohol I think I was born an alcoholic. I think I was born with you know, unless and until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, whatever those are, his sobriety will be precarious and chew happiness, so fun, none at all. What does that mean? I mean, I thought if I stopped drinking I'd be okay, and I've I just said I'm a but maybe maybe alcoholism has very literally do with drinking. What if drinking is just like a symptom of alcoholism. Myn what is your what if? What if? What if the real disease centers in my mind, not my body? Maybe I have that Paul disease where I desire to be a good guy, but I I'm always screwing up in earning people. What have I have that disease where I desire to do the next right thing, but I'm always doing shitty things to people? What have I have the disease where I want to do good, orderly direction, but I never seem to be able to carry it out over the long term? I mean, what if I have a disease where I desire to always go to a meeting, but part and parcel of the consequences of being an alcoholic is I rest. I will always, always, always, always, because that's what alcoholism is all about. It's a spiritual disease. What if I have the kind of disease where I will always end up, at one point or time, resting on my laurels? What if their right? What if, no matter how hard I try and no matter what decision I make, if I'm an alcoholic, I will, at some point in time, ten years down the road, twenty years of out of down the road because of the vagaries of life. Not necessarily bad things, may be good things, whatever things, but the nature of my disease, my dis ease, is that I will stop and rest on my laurels. What if? What if in the disease? What if? What if it's true that half measures avail me nothing? And what if part of my spiritual will malady is that I can never do anything but half measures? What if it's not about the drink? What it's just a what if it's about the fact that I am so spiritually unfit that,...

...no matter how hard I try over a period of time, some somehow, I will always do half measures? Let's screw up. What if, you know, they say there is no middle of the road solution. You ever hear that there's no middle of the road solution? I'm not making this shit up, trust me, I'm not making this up. I'm getting this from somewhere. What if my alcoholism, and I'm talking about my alcoholism, I mean I'm not talking about you guys, so don't get offended, because I could tell you guys have like a milder form. You know what I mean. I'm very virulent horrible form. I don't laugh at me, cody. I've got a serious form of this disease, unlike you, cody. You know what I mean. What if what of my disease is the kind of disease we're over a period of time, no matter how much I swear on a stack of bibles, no matter how much I promise myself, no matter what I say to myself in my own mind, I will always end up doing the middle of the road solution. I will always tend to do that. What what if that's my problem? What's what of my problem is I'm really powerless to do all this shit, everything, not only the not drinking, the not doing everything. What if I'm just powerless, then what am I going to do? What if it doesn't matter? If I tell myself I'm never gonna what if I tell myself things like, oh, I'm used to tell myself stuff. I say this, you know I used to say. I say to myself things like this, I don't give a shit what they think about me. I don't give it. I don't give a crap with anythink about me. And let me tell you some I say that with a lot of drama. I can say that sincerely. Let me tell you something. I could go to actors studio. I convinced myself, I have convinced myself, that I'll give a shit what you think about me. You know what I mean. But the problem is is, even though I tell myself that, I can't stop thinking about what you're thinking about me. Well, what if? What if this disease is the kind of disease where you're the actual disease tells you stuff that you want to believe, but then you act completely opposite the way and you have no idea why you do the things you do, because you're lying to yourself all the time. What if that's part of the disease? I mean, what if that's all I'm saying? You know, maybe this disease is bigger and stronger and more powerful and more under the surface then you even realize it is. Maybe you're dealing with emotions and feelings and stuff that well out of some sort of spiritual deficiency where you're doomed to failure no matter what you think you see. So that's my disease. That's not your disease. Necessary that's the disease I have. I have a disease where I'm totally, totally, totally, one hundred percent powerless.

I'm powerless of my emotions, powerless of my feelings, power powerless of my self talk parallel palace, over being open minded, powerless over my self centeredness, powerless of my selfishness. I'm selfish to the extreme. Who's going to save me from this body of death? Who's going to save me from the how can I if all this is true? It's true for me. I'm not talking about you. I think you guys are probably in a better situation, but for somebody like me, all those things are true. You understand what I'm saying. All those things are true. I cannot protect myself from life. The worldly clambashich way too strong for me. I have no control. I don't know whether I'm even going to be alive in an hour. I don't know people are going to die, stuff is going to happen so many moving parts of this world. I have no control over my life. I have no limited, limited control over my feelings, no control over you, no control over this meeting. I have no control over my thought thoughts, I'm no control over I'm I am absolutely power as a matter of fact, my situation is so bad. If I actually really understood my situation, I probably be very depressed. I mean I would, I'd be like depressed. I mean I am a self videotlic there were times I was very depressed. So here's here's the interesting deal. If that is true, then why am I so filled with joy all the time? Why am I so filled with joy? Why do I? Why do it? Guy Like me, who loves to hate people, who loves to murder people in their mind and his mind, who's selfish to the extreme, who's powerless of all this stuff, how can I live life and I just I just love people. I love people in a and love you. You don't have to have a chip in your pocket to be my friend. I'm trying to help people. How the Hell does that happen, you know, how how do you separate the men from the boys, the women from the girl? How does that? How does that Shit happen as that? How does that stuff happen? What does it say this when we sincerely took such a position? What's the position? We sincerely give ourselves to God? What is sincerely mean? What does sincerely mean? W Winson sincerely took you know, these are things you want to ask yourself. Have I sincerely given myself to God when we sincerely took such you know why? Because what it says in the big book is it...

...says something like this. It says we must get rid of this selfishness. We must, or kills us. A M I getting this, Lily? Am I getting this right? Does it say that we must get the rid of this selfishness, we must our kills us. And then it says this. It says God makes this possible. I mean correctly. Does it say God makes this possible? You ever see that part in the big book where it says there is one that has all power? Does it say there's seven million that has all these powers, or there's any God you make up in your mind that has all these powers, or seven point six billion people of Gods that have all the or does it say there's one who has all this power, all the power? You have no power over anything. There is one that has all power. That one is God. You ever see that? I might do. I got this right, Andrea? Andrea, okay, and then says may you find him now. Did I, Anthony? I get that right? Does the big book say that may you find him now the Y, Sir, don't. Here's the deal. I looked up the word now because I wanted to understand what they were saying, because I'm an alcoholic, you know, and one of the consequences of being an alcoholic is when somebody says something to you that you don't understand, you don't like, it pisses you're off, you know. So I didn't I wanted to find out what that meant. You know what I mean. And now means now. That's how serious they are. They say fine, God now, now, in the good old days, back in one thousand nine hundred and thirty seven and thirty eight, they understood that this was a gift from God and it was a miracle and they understood that God was the most important thing. That's why they wrote the stupid book that has God all over it, that they understood that atheism was bad, that agnosticism was bad. They understood. That's why they wrote a chapters to the agnostics and the agent saying this sort of thinking must be abandoned. They took a stand. They said God either is or he isn't. What's your decision going to be? They said, if a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life would have helped. We be dead a long time ago. We would have been well along time ago if Gord good orderly direction, if saying I'm going to do good, early direction from now on in my life. I'm going to do the next right think. But if that worked, we wouldn't need God. We were. But never work for us, never works for out. He's because we're powerless. We can make all the pronouncements in the world. We are full of Shit. Alcoholics are full of Shit. They say things and they say things. As a matter of fact, a lot of the guilt alcoholics have is for letting people down, for making promises and saying things that they intend. You ever hear an alcoholic says I said I told him some...

...and I really intended to do it at the time, but I screwed up. You ever, now I know you guys. I'm looking at you guys. You guys are like Nice Alcoholics. Now I'm looking at your you're nice auto. I've trust you with everything, money and every but I'm the kind of alcohol where I would tell you something that was going to do and I would mean it. You understand what I'm saying and then I would fuck you over. Yeah, I mean I actually, I actually lie to people and made excuses and didn't fall through. And and not because of these of alcohol and because I'm like Evil Guy, self centered guy, and I don't I only give a I don't give a shit about anybody except myself. I'm the guy they described in the big you know what, how? The Guy they say the big book. He says I'm selfish and self senator. I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfolution, self seeking. I step on toes of others, they retaliate. I learned that I've made decisions based on self, which puts me in a position to be heard. I'm self farm, will run riot and I usually don't even think I have a problem. I'm that Guy, I'm that guy. That's me. They describing me. Don't trust me with anything. I'm that guy. That's the disease I have. Has Nothing to do with drinking, nothing to do with drinking haas to it being one evil not given a crap out anybody. I can do whatever I want to anybody who I want to do it too. And you don't have any writes to say anything to me. Because I'm just such a powerful, great guy. I'm that guy. That's the that's the disease I have. You know what I mean. If that's not your disease and you and I have different diseases, you know, that's all. It's just a different deal. You know I have a bad form of the disease of alcoholism. So I'm must get rid of this, it says. God makes that possible. Possible, Paul said. Who's going to save me from this body of death where I want to do the good, right good, I want to do good things, but I'm always screwing up. God makes that possible. This thing's been around for many, many years now. In the old days, in one thousand nineteen, thirty seven, thirty eight, where they knew that you had to find God. Now you could not get into a meeting. Read doctor about in the good old timers and they would have you get down on your knees in front of everybody and say and give your life to God. You wouldn't get into a mean unless you will do that. That's how they prequalified you when they had meetings in those days. They laid it on the line right there, just like Dr Bob said, to Clarence Snyder when he said the class Snider, when he twelve stepped to me, said the first question he asked them. Young Kid, hundred thirty five. I says you believe in God, and Claren says what does that after with it? and Dr Bobb says everything, everything, now get down on your knees. We're going to pray to God. You can give you a life to him and Clarence said, I don't know, I do this is I'll tell you what to do. And Clarence says there were no suggestion. I did what I was ordered to do. Back in those days there was no confusion,...

...confusion or doubt over what you had stepped into. You were going to do the God thing and you were going to get down in these and you're going to do it, or you weren't going to be an alcoholics anonymous. Things have changed. Things have changed. The Big Book says in Chapter The agnostics that this sort of thinking has to be abandoned. The Fellowship says you don't have to believe in God. The big book says this sort of thinking has to be abandoned. God either is or isn't. The Fellowship says just do the next right thing. The big book says this sort of feeling and thinking has to be abandoned. God either is or he isn't. What your decision going to be? We never apologized for God. You know, we give ourselves sincerely to him. All sorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, he gives us everything we need if we stay close to him, and performers work well, the big book says, you know, you don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. You know it. It's possible that you might be an alcoholics anonymous and think that. And the reason why you ever hear people say, well, don't talk so much about the God thing, don't talk so much about the God thing. Well, if you don't talk about the God thing and you're not serious about the God thing, you will not know that that God thing is essential. No one do. You have so many people unhappy in AI, unhappy in their sobriety, confused, because when when you have people? The Big Book says we encourage Church membership. The Fellowship says, I'm spiritual, not religious. The Big Book says we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. The fellowship says religion is bad. Religion is bad. WE'RE SMARTER THAN RELIGIOUS PEOPLE. Where we're spiritual, we just sort of own that territory. We're just good people. As a matter of fact, we are better than religious people. You talk about, you talk about the height of self righteousness and NARCISSISTM alcoholics actually think they're better and more righteous and just cleaner and more honest than religious people that go to church. That's the kind of bullshit we sell ourselves. We tell ourselves that's kind of horse shit that goes on in the felly. But Hey, here's the good thing. The good thing there are some people that end up getting into a position where they go through a desert time, they go through a tough time and somehow, some way, they actually...

...start reading the big book. Maybe they get a sponsor, or they hear something, they want something, they see have some they develop a we if you want what we have, and they link up with people that are focused on this thing, that have some have somehow pierced the denial, pierced the the the part where people are trying to, you know, sort of drum down the God thing and and they somehow look at some of the stuff that is actually being said. They read the Big Book. They read the part where it says it's easy to let up on the spiritual program of action. Rest on our laurels. We're head of CON trouble. We do alcohols occurrent. We really have. It's a daily peeve contingent on the maintenance of our condition, spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. How can I best serve God? I will not mind be done. These are thoughts which wants go with US constantly, continuously. We can exercise our will power along this line. All we wish it is the proper use of the will, much, as all been ready, about receiving strength and inspiration and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us. To some extent, we have become God conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth step. Were Reborn. Hey, you know what? You know what? I just quoted the Big Book of Alcoholics. Anonymous. You know what that is? That's the program of alcoholics that I don't know what program you're doing that's the program of alcoholics, anonymous, and there are some people that get separated out. They're called the men or the women, you know, the men of the boys. So why? What does this have to do with step ten? This has everything to do with step ten, everything to do with continuing. I don't know why. I haven't quite forget it out. Maybe at fifty years, if I make it, I'll figure it out. Why people who focus on God, who actually believe this is a gift from God, who believe, like Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease. I got to keep talking about and telling other people that gets so fanatical about the God thing, are so grateful about God, believes so much that he's entered into his heart and their minds and ADEP way, which is a deep miraculous he's doing for us what we can't do for ourselves. That have made God the central factor in my life. I don't know why these crazy whack jobs, you know, that believe that fanatical should end up never stopping going to meetings, never stopping trying to help people become like Mother Teresa's run around all they want to do is talk about God. Oh, how obnoxious, you know, that's what I slipped into. Is terrible thing. Don't do what I did. You...

...wind up like me. You know what I mean. You'll be you'll be tripolar, happy, joyous and free these violent swings. You know what I mean. I don't know why people that believe in themselves, that believe in themselves, that try to manage your life, that believe that other people the key. I don't know why they end up drinking or field. It's sorry for theirselves, or were they? Why they fail, or they they're then are happy with her. I don't know why people who believe in God, who have made a decision to be a believer, why they never stop continuing, why they persevere. I know the book of James, which was the main book they said, they said in the DCR bottom, the good old timers, they said the books we found absolutely essential. First Corinthians, thirteen, sermont, amount of the book of James. I know the book of James Says. He says rejoice when you have trials of many kinds, because for those who enduring, persevere while looking at God, while looking at God and focus on him within the trials will mature and they'll have a stronger faith than closer connection with God. I don't know. All I know is the books they read basically said if you give your life over to God sincerely take this position, remarkable shit will happen to you and if you don't, you're going to slip away and lose. I don't know, but this disease is so powerful I don't even know why some people actually make it. I don't even know. Listen, I was never a God guy. I was, you know, you know, run out to the boy. I was a lounge lizard. I was running all over the bars looking for my next victim, looking for her who's going to make me be okay. I worshiped women and money and cars and all that stuff I did. I never did anything deserved this. I never did anything that would end up saying, well, this guy's a deacon in the Presbyterian Jewish gift from an island, from great neck. How I how I wound up, you know, a deacond of Presbyterian church and run around and doing all this a stuff and talking like I have no idea, I have no clue, none zero. I know that there are some people that are going to wind up like this. I'm not the only one. Hey, that's the excite here's the exciting thing. I'm not the only guy. I now go to groups where there are other people like me, well, not like me. Then they're not insane, you know what I mean. They're like, not psychotic, you know, but but sort of like me, you know, and I'm like the comic relief for psychotics.

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