AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 10 months ago

Russell S. Step 10 at the Coral Room Zoom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 10 from the Coral Room Zoom March 5, 2021 - Abrupt ending due to accidental Zoom meeting closure

Hi, my name is Ross.I'm an alcoholic. Hi, guys, how you doing? It's everybody wonderful. So so let's try to let's get this train rob we're going to dothis deal. I want you. And I'm an alcoholic, by the way. I mentioned that. It's true. I am. I'm found necessary tohave a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. So that's a good thing. That's a good thing. So I'm goingto talk about something. Don't put any pressure on me, you know,I just want you to know. Can You? Can everybody hear me,by the way, because yeah, I think thanks, cody. I appreciatethe thumbs up. You know, I just want you to know I've beendoing this thing for I think I've been doing step series for like thirty sevenyears now or something, and I want you to know, in defense ofmyself, there was actually a time in my life where I actually spoke aboutthe steps. I want you to know that I might be capable of doingit now. I don't know. You know, Hell's bell's we don't knowwhat's going to happen here. I'm just going to leave it up to theLord and whatever is on my heart. But now, in my strange wayof thinking, you need to understand something. I'm seventy, I'm going to beI'm going to be seventy two this month. I haven't found that tohave a drinking over forty years I've raised four kids, seven grand kids self, you know, really self supporting through my own contributions most of the time. I've been through the bullshit. You know I've been through the bullshit.Let me tell you I've been through I've been through the desert. I've beenthrough the desert. I've been in out, back and forth. I've been throughthe deal. I've been in hand to hand combat with this disease fora long time. And and you have to understand something. You know,my perspective has changed. You know, my perspective has changed and and I'vedeveloped. Now this is dangerous stuff. I've developed certain opinions based upon myexperience. One of my sponsors use to tell me when a man with experiencemeets a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with themoney and the man with the money will have walked away with an experience.So I'm going to I'm going to probably express some opinions now. It May, you know, and may hurt some people's feelings. They may they mayfeel I'm wrong and I can understand that. You know, and it's not myintention to hurt anybody's feelings. It's just something that happens every time Italk. So I can't help but it's not my fault. Don't blame me. And besides, if you get all pissed off about what I'm saying,by the time I'm done with this thing I'll probably change my mind. I'llsay, why did I say that? You know? So rule sixty two. Don't take yourself so seriously and remember whenever you have disturbed, matter whatthe cost or something wrong with you, that's the spiritual ax. I didn'tmake that I didn't make that stuff up.

So I'm going to promise you bythe time we get to the end of this thing I'll be something inthere, something about the ten step. I'll probably be in there. I'vebeen doing this. I've been actually doing the test step myself first, likefor a long time. So sometimes it's kind of hard to see what thesesteps are all about. You know what you were when you first come inthere such a mystery and you know, the so unusual and they were sostrange and there's such a different way of life and and it says in theBig Book and the Twelve and twelve, it says. It says the waywe get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations and the final crushing of ourself sufficiency. And believe me, I I have a PhD. And repeatedhumiliations and screwing up this thing. And so my perspective about the ten stephas changed. So I'm going to sort of I'm going to sort of giveyou my take on what the ten step it's all about from the point ofview of somebody who's seventy two years old, has been doing it for forty years, you know. So it's not going to look like it's not goingto look like a how to do it deal. It's not. I'm notgoing to tell you how to do the ten step or any of that stuff. I'm going to tell you I'm gonna go a little I'm going to diga little deeper in the I'm going a little deeper. I want to gounderneath, underneath the the ten step. Okay, so you give you alittle bit more perspective. Now, this is my opinion. This is myperspective. I put a couple of things on in chat that I really inviteyou to read. I mean, if you take a couple minutes, I'mGonn give you a couple reads to read it. That have something to dowith what I'm going to talk about tonight. Quite honestly, I'm sparing you guysthe scripture. I'm going to be going into that on I'm doing alive again beating at thirty one be going into the scriptural backing for this.I'm not going to do it tonight at the AA meeting, you know.But the bottom line is so I want to talk a little bit ten step. So the ten step, let me try remember what it actually says.It says something like continue to take what is it says? Let's the tenstep, Lily. What's IT say? 'Nus. So what a ten stepsaid continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitting.Yeah, that's what it said. That's what it says. Very good,thank you very much. I'm all, don't make fun of it, youknow. So, so it continue to take personal inventory. So that solisten, here's my take. This is the way I think I may bethe long I'm sober. I'll tell you the simplest thing. I think whenthey say continue to take personal inventory, there's saying that we continue to takethe personal inventory that we, like we took in the fourth step. isany does that make any sense to anybody? I think it means continue to takepersonal inventory, because that's the only inventory I know about, person inventorythat they teach me in the fourth step. And when we were wrong, promptlywhen we wrong, what would have to probably a bit. So that'ssort of what to me sounds like steps eight and nine. And then,I think, if I remember correctly,...

I haven't read in a while,I think when you take the set ten step, you like continue to lookfor fear and you continue to look for all these things. You continue tolook for where you were wrong and and and when you're wrong, you're supposedto admit it. You're supposed to talk to somebody, right. It's almostlike you're doing the fifth step again. And and then they where you werewrong, you're supposed to promptly make amends or something. Is Am I gettingthis right? Tell me if I'm getting this right. Okay, so another'sit's like continue to do all the stuff that you've already done. I mightCassandra, what do you think? I think it's continue to do all thestuff you've already done. How many think? How many people think that I'm Imight be right about that. Well, if you think I'm wrong, Idon't want to talk to you anyway, because I'm right. It's continue todo all the stuff you already done. So, if it's continue to doall the stuff you've already done, then why do we gonna have aten step? It's time making sense to me trying to figure this thing out. Continue. What do we learn about the ten step? What's the tensetoball about? So let me tell you something. After years of research intothis deal, I actually have figured it out and I'm going to give youthe secret about the ten step. This is what the ten step is about. Are you ready for this? It's about only one thing, only onething. Continued, continued. The I'm trying to boil this down for you. Continue. It's about continued. It's about continued when you have ten years, it's about continued when you have twenty years, it's about continued when youhave forty years. It's about continued as anybody ever gone to a meeting wheresomebody has slipped in their coming back in and pick up a white chip?You don't have to ten years, fifteen years. Did you ever hear himsay something like this? Well, I stopped going to meetings your rooms.Well, I stopped speaking to my sponsor. Well, I stopped going to aA. Well, I stopped praying for God to God. Well,I you ever hear somebody after you start talking doing about what happened? Whydid you drink? They talk about how they stopped doing stuff, or orthey didn't stop doing stuff, they never did the shit in the first place. You under there's the two ways of doing it. Number One, younever did this stuff in the first place, and that case that's not a tenstep. You just never did it. You were never in the program anyway. But then there's apparently another type of person that stops continuing. Let'sstart. Have you ever said to yourself? I said this to myself one timeat a meeting. I said I got I got the answer here.The answer is, I'm just not going to stop. See All these bozos. They stopped. I'm not going to...

...stop. I'm never going to stop. I said I'm never going to stop. So, but but then, youknow, here's what I'm thinking. I've seen guys for twenty, thirtyyears drink again. So I'm thinking to myself that I think that these guyswere probably, at what time, at a meeting where they said I'm nevergoing to stop. What do you think? I think that these guys were probablyat a meeting where they said they're never going to stop doing this stuffand they stopped. So I'm not so sure making a really sincere, dramatic, powerful argument that I ain't never going to stop. I'm not really surethat works with alcoholics, you understand. Has Anybody ever said before they cametoday, I'm going to stop, I'm not going to I'm not going todrink anymore. You ever do that? You ever say that I'm never goingto drink in how'd that work out for you? I work out for you. Anybody ever take a what do you think? What do we do atthe end of the year? The New Year's deal? Oh, anybody makea new year's resolution? I'm going to lose fifty pounds. You ever doone of those deals? I'm going to stop smoke and I'm going to stopvisit. How do that work out for you? How you do so?Alcoholics, listen, here's the deal. Alcoholics don't do well at New Year'sresolutions. Now, alcoholics are great starters and Shitty finishers. I'm sorry,used Word Shit. I actually made about of myself. I'm going to stopcursing, but I haven't able to fucking do that. So what can Isay? I just can't do it. I just I'm sorry. I'm just. You know, there are people in a a that are spirit you know, you ever hear people say, I'm spiritual, not religious. I'm spiritual. I'm spiritual. I'm not. I'm not spiritual. I'm not. Youknow, I'm you know. You ever people say, well, you're nota bad person trying to be good, YOU'RE S I'm a bad person trying. I'm the OPS. I'm a bad I'm an evil, selfish, badperson. I try to be good but I fail all the time. Somy problem is based upon my reading the Big Book of My life, isI'm a bad, selfish person. But ever since I've been partnering up andrunning with the Lord, I seem to try, I seem to love peoplein act better see, I'm a bad person. WHO, if I ifI worship God, somehow, somehow, I don't do shitty things. Nowyou may think it's terrible to call yourself a bad person, but for meit works. For me it works. I own who I am. Iown what I did to people. I...

...own what I did to my exwife. I would say it was some other guy, or I'm basically agood boy, or anythink. I own who I am and who I tendto be and all the consequences of being an alcoholic. You ever seen thebig book? They seemed, you know, how they say. They say theyseem to be born that way. I heard a guy speaking in AI, mean today. He said I was born an alcohol I think I wasborn an alcoholic. I think I was born with you know, unless anduntil an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, whatever those are,his sobriety will be precarious and chew happiness, so fun, none at all.What does that mean? I mean, I thought if I stopped drinking I'dbe okay, and I've I just said I'm a but maybe maybe alcoholismhas very literally do with drinking. What if drinking is just like a symptomof alcoholism. Myn what is your what if? What if? What ifthe real disease centers in my mind, not my body? Maybe I havethat Paul disease where I desire to be a good guy, but I I'malways screwing up in earning people. What have I have that disease where Idesire to do the next right thing, but I'm always doing shitty things topeople? What have I have the disease where I want to do good,orderly direction, but I never seem to be able to carry it out overthe long term? I mean, what if I have a disease where Idesire to always go to a meeting, but part and parcel of the consequencesof being an alcoholic is I rest. I will always, always, always, always, because that's what alcoholism is all about. It's a spiritual disease. What if I have the kind of disease where I will always end up, at one point or time, resting on my laurels? What if theirright? What if, no matter how hard I try and no matter whatdecision I make, if I'm an alcoholic, I will, at some point intime, ten years down the road, twenty years of out of down theroad because of the vagaries of life. Not necessarily bad things, may begood things, whatever things, but the nature of my disease, mydis ease, is that I will stop and rest on my laurels. Whatif? What if in the disease? What if? What if it's truethat half measures avail me nothing? And what if part of my spiritual willmalady is that I can never do anything but half measures? What if it'snot about the drink? What it's just a what if it's about the factthat I am so spiritually unfit that,...

...no matter how hard I try overa period of time, some somehow, I will always do half measures?Let's screw up. What if, you know, they say there is nomiddle of the road solution. You ever hear that there's no middle of theroad solution? I'm not making this shit up, trust me, I'm notmaking this up. I'm getting this from somewhere. What if my alcoholism,and I'm talking about my alcoholism, I mean I'm not talking about you guys, so don't get offended, because I could tell you guys have like amilder form. You know what I mean. I'm very virulent horrible form. Idon't laugh at me, cody. I've got a serious form of thisdisease, unlike you, cody. You know what I mean. What ifwhat of my disease is the kind of disease we're over a period of time, no matter how much I swear on a stack of bibles, no matterhow much I promise myself, no matter what I say to myself in myown mind, I will always end up doing the middle of the road solution. I will always tend to do that. What what if that's my problem?What's what of my problem is I'm really powerless to do all this shit, everything, not only the not drinking, the not doing everything. What ifI'm just powerless, then what am I going to do? What ifit doesn't matter? If I tell myself I'm never gonna what if I tellmyself things like, oh, I'm used to tell myself stuff. I saythis, you know I used to say. I say to myself things like this, I don't give a shit what they think about me. I don'tgive it. I don't give a crap with anythink about me. And letme tell you some I say that with a lot of drama. I cansay that sincerely. Let me tell you something. I could go to actorsstudio. I convinced myself, I have convinced myself, that I'll give ashit what you think about me. You know what I mean. But theproblem is is, even though I tell myself that, I can't stop thinkingabout what you're thinking about me. Well, what if? What if this diseaseis the kind of disease where you're the actual disease tells you stuff thatyou want to believe, but then you act completely opposite the way and youhave no idea why you do the things you do, because you're lying toyourself all the time. What if that's part of the disease? I mean, what if that's all I'm saying? You know, maybe this disease isbigger and stronger and more powerful and more under the surface then you even realizeit is. Maybe you're dealing with emotions and feelings and stuff that well outof some sort of spiritual deficiency where you're doomed to failure no matter what youthink you see. So that's my disease. That's not your disease. Necessary that'sthe disease I have. I have a disease where I'm totally, totally, totally, one hundred percent powerless.

I'm powerless of my emotions, powerlessof my feelings, power powerless of my self talk parallel palace, over beingopen minded, powerless over my self centeredness, powerless of my selfishness. I'm selfishto the extreme. Who's going to save me from this body of death? Who's going to save me from the how can I if all this istrue? It's true for me. I'm not talking about you. I thinkyou guys are probably in a better situation, but for somebody like me, allthose things are true. You understand what I'm saying. All those thingsare true. I cannot protect myself from life. The worldly clambashich way toostrong for me. I have no control. I don't know whether I'm even goingto be alive in an hour. I don't know people are going todie, stuff is going to happen so many moving parts of this world.I have no control over my life. I have no limited, limited controlover my feelings, no control over you, no control over this meeting. Ihave no control over my thought thoughts, I'm no control over I'm I amabsolutely power as a matter of fact, my situation is so bad. IfI actually really understood my situation, I probably be very depressed. Imean I would, I'd be like depressed. I mean I am a self videotlicthere were times I was very depressed. So here's here's the interesting deal.If that is true, then why am I so filled with joy allthe time? Why am I so filled with joy? Why do I?Why do it? Guy Like me, who loves to hate people, wholoves to murder people in their mind and his mind, who's selfish to theextreme, who's powerless of all this stuff, how can I live life and Ijust I just love people. I love people in a and love you. You don't have to have a chip in your pocket to be my friend. I'm trying to help people. How the Hell does that happen, youknow, how how do you separate the men from the boys, the womenfrom the girl? How does that? How does that Shit happen as that? How does that stuff happen? What does it say this when we sincerelytook such a position? What's the position? We sincerely give ourselves to God?What is sincerely mean? What does sincerely mean? W Winson sincerely tookyou know, these are things you want to ask yourself. Have I sincerelygiven myself to God when we sincerely took such you know why? Because whatit says in the big book is it...

...says something like this. It sayswe must get rid of this selfishness. We must, or kills us.A M I getting this, Lily? Am I getting this right? Doesit say that we must get the rid of this selfishness, we must ourkills us. And then it says this. It says God makes this possible.I mean correctly. Does it say God makes this possible? You eversee that part in the big book where it says there is one that hasall power? Does it say there's seven million that has all these powers,or there's any God you make up in your mind that has all these powers, or seven point six billion people of Gods that have all the or doesit say there's one who has all this power, all the power? Youhave no power over anything. There is one that has all power. Thatone is God. You ever see that? I might do. I got thisright, Andrea? Andrea, okay, and then says may you find himnow. Did I, Anthony? I get that right? Does thebig book say that may you find him now the Y, Sir, don't. Here's the deal. I looked up the word now because I wanted tounderstand what they were saying, because I'm an alcoholic, you know, andone of the consequences of being an alcoholic is when somebody says something to youthat you don't understand, you don't like, it pisses you're off, you know. So I didn't I wanted to find out what that meant. Youknow what I mean. And now means now. That's how serious they are. They say fine, God now, now, in the good old days, back in one thousand nine hundred and thirty seven and thirty eight, theyunderstood that this was a gift from God and it was a miracle and theyunderstood that God was the most important thing. That's why they wrote the stupid bookthat has God all over it, that they understood that atheism was bad, that agnosticism was bad. They understood. That's why they wrote a chapters tothe agnostics and the agent saying this sort of thinking must be abandoned.They took a stand. They said God either is or he isn't. What'syour decision going to be? They said, if a mere code of morals ora better philosophy of life would have helped. We be dead a longtime ago. We would have been well along time ago if Gord good orderlydirection, if saying I'm going to do good, early direction from now onin my life. I'm going to do the next right think. But ifthat worked, we wouldn't need God. We were. But never work forus, never works for out. He's because we're powerless. We can makeall the pronouncements in the world. We are full of Shit. Alcoholics arefull of Shit. They say things and they say things. As a matterof fact, a lot of the guilt alcoholics have is for letting people down, for making promises and saying things that they intend. You ever hear analcoholic says I said I told him some...

...and I really intended to do itat the time, but I screwed up. You ever, now I know youguys. I'm looking at you guys. You guys are like Nice Alcoholics.Now I'm looking at your you're nice auto. I've trust you with everything, money and every but I'm the kind of alcohol where I would tell yousomething that was going to do and I would mean it. You understand whatI'm saying and then I would fuck you over. Yeah, I mean Iactually, I actually lie to people and made excuses and didn't fall through.And and not because of these of alcohol and because I'm like Evil Guy,self centered guy, and I don't I only give a I don't give ashit about anybody except myself. I'm the guy they described in the big youknow what, how? The Guy they say the big book. He saysI'm selfish and self senator. I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear,selfolution, self seeking. I step on toes of others, they retaliate.I learned that I've made decisions based on self, which puts me in aposition to be heard. I'm self farm, will run riot and I usually don'teven think I have a problem. I'm that Guy, I'm that guy. That's me. They describing me. Don't trust me with anything. I'mthat guy. That's the disease I have. Has Nothing to do with drinking,nothing to do with drinking haas to it being one evil not given acrap out anybody. I can do whatever I want to anybody who I wantto do it too. And you don't have any writes to say anything tome. Because I'm just such a powerful, great guy. I'm that guy.That's the that's the disease I have. You know what I mean. Ifthat's not your disease and you and I have different diseases, you know, that's all. It's just a different deal. You know I have abad form of the disease of alcoholism. So I'm must get rid of this, it says. God makes that possible. Possible, Paul said. Who's goingto save me from this body of death where I want to do thegood, right good, I want to do good things, but I'm alwaysscrewing up. God makes that possible. This thing's been around for many,many years now. In the old days, in one thousand nineteen, thirty seven, thirty eight, where they knew that you had to find God.Now you could not get into a meeting. Read doctor about in the good oldtimers and they would have you get down on your knees in front ofeverybody and say and give your life to God. You wouldn't get into amean unless you will do that. That's how they prequalified you when they hadmeetings in those days. They laid it on the line right there, justlike Dr Bob said, to Clarence Snyder when he said the class Snider,when he twelve stepped to me, said the first question he asked them.Young Kid, hundred thirty five. I says you believe in God, andClaren says what does that after with it? and Dr Bobb says everything, everything, now get down on your knees. We're going to pray to God.You can give you a life to him and Clarence said, I don'tknow, I do this is I'll tell you what to do. And Clarencesays there were no suggestion. I did what I was ordered to do.Back in those days there was no confusion,...

...confusion or doubt over what you hadstepped into. You were going to do the God thing and you weregoing to get down in these and you're going to do it, or youweren't going to be an alcoholics anonymous. Things have changed. Things have changed. The Big Book says in Chapter The agnostics that this sort of thinking hasto be abandoned. The Fellowship says you don't have to believe in God.The big book says this sort of thinking has to be abandoned. God eitheris or isn't. The Fellowship says just do the next right thing. Thebig book says this sort of feeling and thinking has to be abandoned. Godeither is or he isn't. What your decision going to be? We neverapologized for God. You know, we give ourselves sincerely to him. Allsorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, he gives us everything weneed if we stay close to him, and performers work well, the bigbook says, you know, you don't have to do that. You don'thave to do that. You know it. It's possible that you might be analcoholics anonymous and think that. And the reason why you ever hear peoplesay, well, don't talk so much about the God thing, don't talkso much about the God thing. Well, if you don't talk about the Godthing and you're not serious about the God thing, you will not knowthat that God thing is essential. No one do. You have so manypeople unhappy in AI, unhappy in their sobriety, confused, because when whenyou have people? The Big Book says we encourage Church membership. The Fellowshipsays, I'm spiritual, not religious. The Big Book says we lose allprejudice, even against organized religion. The fellowship says religion is bad. Religionis bad. WE'RE SMARTER THAN RELIGIOUS PEOPLE. Where we're spiritual, we just sortof own that territory. We're just good people. As a matter offact, we are better than religious people. You talk about, you talk aboutthe height of self righteousness and NARCISSISTM alcoholics actually think they're better and morerighteous and just cleaner and more honest than religious people that go to church.That's the kind of bullshit we sell ourselves. We tell ourselves that's kind of horseshit that goes on in the felly. But Hey, here's the good thing. The good thing there are some people that end up getting into aposition where they go through a desert time, they go through a tough time andsomehow, some way, they actually...

...start reading the big book. Maybethey get a sponsor, or they hear something, they want something, theysee have some they develop a we if you want what we have, andthey link up with people that are focused on this thing, that have somehave somehow pierced the denial, pierced the the the part where people are tryingto, you know, sort of drum down the God thing and and theysomehow look at some of the stuff that is actually being said. They readthe Big Book. They read the part where it says it's easy to letup on the spiritual program of action. Rest on our laurels. We're headof CON trouble. We do alcohols occurrent. We really have. It's a dailypeeve contingent on the maintenance of our condition, spiritual condition. Every dayis a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all ofour activities. How can I best serve God? I will not mind bedone. These are thoughts which wants go with US constantly, continuously. Wecan exercise our will power along this line. All we wish it is the properuse of the will, much, as all been ready, about receivingstrength and inspiration and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. Ifwe have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of hisspirit into us. To some extent, we have become God conscious. Wehave begun to develop this vital sixth step. Were Reborn. Hey, you knowwhat? You know what? I just quoted the Big Book of Alcoholics. Anonymous. You know what that is? That's the program of alcoholics that Idon't know what program you're doing that's the program of alcoholics, anonymous,and there are some people that get separated out. They're called the men orthe women, you know, the men of the boys. So why?What does this have to do with step ten? This has everything to dowith step ten, everything to do with continuing. I don't know why.I haven't quite forget it out. Maybe at fifty years, if I makeit, I'll figure it out. Why people who focus on God, whoactually believe this is a gift from God, who believe, like Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of thisterrible disease. I got to keep talking about and telling other people that getsso fanatical about the God thing, are so grateful about God, believes somuch that he's entered into his heart and their minds and ADEP way, whichis a deep miraculous he's doing for us what we can't do for ourselves.That have made God the central factor in my life. I don't know whythese crazy whack jobs, you know, that believe that fanatical should end upnever stopping going to meetings, never stopping trying to help people become like MotherTeresa's run around all they want to do is talk about God. Oh,how obnoxious, you know, that's what I slipped into. Is terrible thing. Don't do what I did. You...

...wind up like me. You knowwhat I mean. You'll be you'll be tripolar, happy, joyous and freethese violent swings. You know what I mean. I don't know why peoplethat believe in themselves, that believe in themselves, that try to manage yourlife, that believe that other people the key. I don't know why theyend up drinking or field. It's sorry for theirselves, or were they?Why they fail, or they they're then are happy with her. I don'tknow why people who believe in God, who have made a decision to bea believer, why they never stop continuing, why they persevere. I know thebook of James, which was the main book they said, they saidin the DCR bottom, the good old timers, they said the books wefound absolutely essential. First Corinthians, thirteen, sermont, amount of the book ofJames. I know the book of James Says. He says rejoice whenyou have trials of many kinds, because for those who enduring, persevere whilelooking at God, while looking at God and focus on him within the trialswill mature and they'll have a stronger faith than closer connection with God. Idon't know. All I know is the books they read basically said if yougive your life over to God sincerely take this position, remarkable shit will happento you and if you don't, you're going to slip away and lose.I don't know, but this disease is so powerful I don't even know whysome people actually make it. I don't even know. Listen, I wasnever a God guy. I was, you know, you know, runout to the boy. I was a lounge lizard. I was running allover the bars looking for my next victim, looking for her who's going to makeme be okay. I worshiped women and money and cars and all thatstuff I did. I never did anything deserved this. I never did anythingthat would end up saying, well, this guy's a deacon in the PresbyterianJewish gift from an island, from great neck. How I how I woundup, you know, a deacond of Presbyterian church and run around and doingall this a stuff and talking like I have no idea, I have noclue, none zero. I know that there are some people that are goingto wind up like this. I'm not the only one. Hey, that'sthe excite here's the exciting thing. I'm not the only guy. I nowgo to groups where there are other people like me, well, not likeme. Then they're not insane, you know what I mean. They're like, not psychotic, you know, but but sort of like me, youknow, and I'm like the comic relief for psychotics.

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