AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 11 months ago

Russell S. Step 5 (talk 6) at the 12 Step House 6/10/2021

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Russell S. Step 5 (talk 6) at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 6/10/2021  

Russell spats, alcoholic so and I remember the starts. A group having time of savage rink since January twenty five one thousand, nineteen eighty one right, whatever you know. Some people call it emotional sobriety. My Wife Calls It senility. Who knows? We'll say I'm going to talk a little bit about the fifth step. It means I'm going to talk about the seventh step, which means I'm going to talk about the sixth step and the third step, second step, fourth step and the twelve step. So all I can do is it's all gotten very confusing to me, and sometimes when things are confusing to an alcoholic like me, what happens is you just sort of give up trying to figure it out. You know, because every time I went to I graduated the partneral honors in Mathematics and I was going for my PhD. That was my plan to go for my PhD in Algebraic topology and mathematics outside go to law school and as I used to do a lot of thinking. Now, if you're an alcohol you should understand this, because alcoholics are compulsive thinkers. I mean it's bad thinking about yourself and other people about. I know it's not good thinking and you could spend years and years and years trying to stop thinking. I mean, and I know many of you guys have been here throughout the step series and so especially you've been here for the second step and the fourth step in the introduction of the fourth step. So I'm not going to go into explaining anything about insanity for the true nature of disease of alcoholism, which really has little do with the drinking. The drinking is just a symptom of our disease, but the real nature sentence in our mind, on our body and the way we think, the compulsive, unhealthy way. You know, I think Bill Wilson said, the real problem with alcoholics is onhealthy dependencies on everything, dependencies on Romance, on other people. And I'm a blamer, I'm a complainer, I'm a victim, I feel sorry for myself, I'm pissed off, and that's just half the shit, you know what I mean, and I don't need to drink alcohol to have that going for me. Let's say that's like my natural state. That's my natural state of affair. I was like that before I started drinking, when I was was thirteen and twelve, eleven, ten years. I just never saw anybody that looked as sensitive as I felt. I never saw anybody in my life that looked like a hate and ju hated injustice as much as I hated injustice, you know. And I was always comparing my insize. Everybody else is outside and you guys always look like you were slicking cool and I always found felt so in act and not good enough. And so that's the way I was before I started drinking. I guess the Big Book Calls It restless. Sir, will discontent, and I don't care what you call it. Throw whatever words onto this. More words than that to get thrown on it. I started drinking and what drinking does is my my deal is nothing works as well as just a few drinks. You know. It just relieves all that stuff at all sort of comes together, you know what I mean, and you go from, I don't know, Archie bunker to Brad Pitt and five Nano setles, you know, and that's the deal. And women and you can get you can have sex and all that sort of stuff. And you know, I was told once to whatever you used alcohol, do anything, you lose the IT. You lose the ability to do that same thing without the alcohol. Whenever you use alcohol to dance or have sex or anything, a romance or anything like that, if that don't has to be in the mix, then you can't do that without the alcohol. You need to have it in order to just function. And and so I was an alcoop before I started drinking, during the drinking and I and you know something, I got the same dosay after I stopped drinking. I had the same disease...

...that I've ever ever since, from the ages one to thirteen. You know, I still got that deal going on. You know, the self pity, the self loathing. Dr Carl Young. What was it not? Carl Young? Was Carl Manager, says, and a man against himself, says in the book alcoholics of men, women will have to destroy themselves. You know, from time to time they're just, you know, just everything's normal except the slight nervous this position. Just from time to time you drive into the car and you hear this voice and says you're worthless, piece of Shit, you might as well kill yourself. It's just what of comes out from somewhere. You look around you saying that Shit, do you you're the only one in the car. You know what I mean. And and apparently I was told anybody who's on the planet who reaches the age of twenty five or thirty and doesn't have any idea who they are, what they are or what the purposes in life is going to be, to a certain extent, in the rock. And I was one of neurotic son of a bish when I got here, I can tell you I can and I came to these rooms as two neurons working their way when you buy to each other, and I wasn't doing too well. We have an interesting thing in this out by so so one of the things that happens is after you've been you know, they say what you have to is you have to develop a manner of living. A man is like a manner of living. I have a manner of living. You know, if you're an active alcoholic without a program, trust me, you have a manner of living. You have you ever noticed that before you came day, you had a manner of living? You ever noticed before you come in? Maybe, looking back, or maybe why you wanted that to you, your alcoholic life seemed the only normal one. I mean it was sort of normal for you to be pissed off at people. Normal for you to get angry, normal for you to feel sorry for yourself, normal for you to, you know, be jealous of people and be NBOUS. Normal. Did you ever notice that you, the way you lived before coming into program was was normal to you, and that it was always west, always the same type of thinking, all the same, always same type of anger, all this, always the same type of drama? All you ever noticed that that that you were consistently fucked up? But it was, it wasn't like, it wasn't like, Oh man, that's an original thought. Never, never, never did that before. You know, you ever ever see this, so I ain't never going to do that again. Then you did it again and again and again and again and again and again and A. See my problems is I didn't. Here's the thing. I didn't even know I had a problem, because when you normally are fucking insane, I want to use the APP work because we have some New People here. I want to make sure that they understand they're not in church, because I'll probably also talk about Jesus, but but now it would be okay because I use the up for it. So you say we at least I'm not in church. You know, it's not trying to promote anything or anything. So you'll let your guard down. Then what's too late, you already have so it's in there. You know what I mean. So in any way, so I love the plant seeds. I don't need to Piss people off. It just it's a natural thing. It happens when I talk. I can't help it. But Luckily for me, like my sponsor said, when I said you ever get resentments that yet him, I give them. You know, ninety percent of the stuff I got, ninety percent of the the things that happened to me where I learned shit in AA. I learned it at the tail end. Up Being pissed off at somebody who said something I didn't like, because at least I was listening to it, and it rocked my life life. You know, I said, how that something who doesn't know me? Who That is? He think he has? He hasn't known, and after about a week of that and praying everything, I said, Holy Shit, he's right, it's right. I've learned thing about myself, because that's the way we are worth the fiance. And so one of the things that happens is we have a way of life and it's a matter of living which the manage rigorous dishonesty. I'm a rationalized right, I tell myself rationalized. I teld me she's myself shit. That is not true, but I think it's true. I mean, I hate people in the way they do things to me. I hate the way the world is, I hate the way you are. If only people would agree with me, if only I get I once said to my said, how you doing? I said I'm doing great, because you must get in your own way. But I was you...

...know what I mean, and then I wasn't got my own way and I was pissed, you know, and and you know, I just have a manner of living, a lot manner of thinking that feels comfortable to me. And so it says in the big book about Bollson. Obviously sings sort of weave in and we've out. It says when the Guy said, when Dr Young said, you have the mind to dods call to rolling hazard. If I read the Big Book, I'm sorry you can be a little lost. I want to read it and you'll recognize, as he says, rolling out of it, as it who had been sober for about a year under the totelush of the greatest doctor, the psychiatrist in the world, and he said to himself, now, knowing this is what rolling the Alki said now, knowing the inner workings of my mind, drinking is impossible. You know, you might say yourself after three months or one year, or six years or ten years, I've got it now. Drinking's impossible. I'm not going to drink. I'm not perfect, but I at least I got it now, and then he's drank again. It's nevertheless, he was dropped. In a few weeks he went back of the doctor. He said, he sounds, say what's wrong with me? and Doctor Young said to him the following. I wish more doctors would say this. I wish more doctors, roness. So this is what he said. And we have a big book, which means we agree with this big book. I believe that everything that's said in the big book is true. I found, I've discovered of a period of Tom and experiment. It's true, even though I don't think. How about this, even though I don't agree with it, it's true. You know, does I mean? That's the truth, doesn't matter what I agree with it or not, you know, and so I've this book called Alcohol sign this is what Dr Young told them. He said you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. You know, alcoholism is progressive. Chronic disease gets worse over any period of time. Says you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic and if you're an alcoholic, you have the mind or chronic alcohol you know, I mean he's might as well least they put in the book as he's talking to you, because one of our old ideas is that where you need you know, we say things like you don't understand I'm different, you don't know me, you don't know how many time you know. And the truth is I do know you. The only person who doesn't know you was you. That's how we have sponsors who actually know us, you know, because they've been through the wars. They get us. You don't get you. And so he said you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never been successful with an alcoholic with this sort of state of mind. Exists, there, once in a while, things happen to these people. They we call them phenomena. That's like a scientific word for miracle. It means we have no idea that they change. They change, you know, one day they're drinking, the next day to not trink it. One day they're horring around there. You know, they're selling themselves and their soul and everything for a, for applause or whatever it is. Next Day they're not. One day they're scared, the next day they have courage when they were children. That's the one day their children, next day their men and women. You know, one day they think their pieces of Shit, the next weapon, the next day. You know they they don't think that way anymore. You know, they just say it's just the miracle. We don't understand why. We can't do it with drugs. Really can. Can't do it's like I doesn't work, doesn't last. Since you have the mind of chronic alcohol we we it's a phenomenal he says. He says they have some sort of profound if your's about profound personality change, it's not the it's not the alcohol deficiency, it's not the lack of alcohol, it's something called a profound personality change. Now I think I spent the first ten or fifteen years an AA and I'm sure I'm spending some more time even now. I mean you know, you know then, but I definitely a first ten years, an a learning what the fee, what alcoholism, the disease, is actually all about. Because you come day and nothing wrong with this, not wanting to drink and whine. You think alcoholism as something do with drinking, because it happens to be in the name alcoholic alcoholism, you know what I mean. So you...

...think it has something with drinking. So you stop drinking, you get you for you feel better, you know what I mean, and you think that you've now conquered alcoholism and you're in a group called alcoholics anonymous. So you know what has to do with alcohol. And you hear when you first come in, the first month, or fear for two years, you hear people say don't drink it, even if your ass falls off. There ain't no problem so big that a brink. What can make it worse? You see there having birthday parties. How many years? You have? Three months, for months, like we did today. The mean everything is about out. All you hear is about alcoholism. And you know, I got a year, I got two years and everything like that. And then every once in a while. Every once in a while I call up a guy and I've sponsored them and he's been missing for about it a week. Maybe he's been on vacation. I said this happening once and I said Jack, I said, you know, I haven't seen your week. I said, welcome back. I said, let's go to meeting time. And Jack says to me, he says, he says, listen, I just got to home. I'm count. I says, Hey, Jack, Ham't been to me a week. Let's go to night. To me and he says, Hey, Russell, I love you, but get off my back. I'm not even thinking about drinking. Two Hours Lady, Jack was drunk. How about that? How about that? And you know someone? He said, I'm not even thinking about drinking. Here's the crazy thing. He was since here some guy starts. You know, some guys sponsorous. So he says them, son of a bitches, they jet, they chip me have the money. I'm going to show that they don't know who the hell they're deal with. I said, I'm going to tell you something. You don't get rid of his bullshit, you're going to drink. This is bullshit. I'm not going to drink. Their assholes and I'm going to prove it in the blah, Blah Blah. Three hours later he's arrested by police. He's drunk. Didn't even know he was going to drink. I knew he was gonna drink. You know what I mean. I know he's going side. When you often find out, as you got people that have a year sobriety, two years sobriety, five years sobriety, ten years sobriety and they drink again after ten or fifteen years, thirty years sobriety, when an alcoholic who has experienced the incredible stuff in this program drinks after he's been sober and he lives right before he drinks. Listen, this is this amazing stuff. This is like post graduate right before he drinks that alcohol, he's physically sober. He's not drinking because he's craving alcohol. He's drinking because he's never understood the true nature of our disease. He never got an he never got to handle on what the DIS ease of alcoholism really is. And so he isn't drinking, he's trying to get laid or, if he isn't drinking, he's spending money. He doesn't have the by Shit. He doesn't need to imprint people is in like and make himself feel better. If he isn't drinking, he's doing something else that self destructive. And so Carl Young says, once you lap onto this this power that comes from God, once you, he says, you have a profound personality change. So my Sane said, why do you say this stuff? You say, why do you do the stuff you do? This is why do you do that? I said that's just my personality. Says, well, your personality is going to kill you, but I have an added drinking us. Your personality is going to kill you. And then he says ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding forces of these men's lives are passed one side and they become dominated by who you said of healthy ideas, emotions and attitudes. Or later on in the big book it says that they're selfish and their self centered and they're driven. They use a better word than guidance. Driven, compulsively driven. It's like they're on automatic pilot to the toilet. You know what I mean. They're driven. They're selfish, selfset and driven by hundred forms of fear. Self delusion, selfseeking, most if not all, of which they don't even know they have. Selfdelusion. That means we're diluted. I'm let's make believe. How about this? Forget about me, let's make be leak. Now I proven the self to me in my life. Well, it's one thing to listen some guy like me talking the podium and I got forty years and this is what I did. It's another thing when you prove it to yourself over and over and over again...

...because of your actions and you constantly get repeat humiliations to final crushing them selfufficiency. It's another thing when you go for the next ten years beating the shit out of yourself and losing and losing losing. So one day you wake up and you realize something that they've been telling you for last ten years and say, Holy Shit, they were right, you know, and then you realize they're right, and then you spend the next five years trying to get rid of that. To you in really the it's not as easy as the alcohol, is it not as easy to get rid of the lust as the alcohol? Yeah, I know you believe. If you if I only had a man, only had a woman, if somebody only loved me, if I only had romance, if you know the worldly clamors, if I only had a new car, if I haven't know I had to do. It's hard to ever of that stuff when it's so clear to you that that's the answer. And it says, what does it say in the book? It says selfdelusion. Our alcoholic life and thinking seems only normal one. You know it says. It says what we ultimately learn, ultimately learned means ten, fifteen, twenty years down the road. Doesn't mean three months Ober, that we've made decisions based upon self which will us and in a position that we heard. So now alcohol this self will wear and right, whatever that is, you may take ten years a little. That is, though he usually doesn't think so. So if you don't think that, if you don't think anything I'm saying is true, you're perfect, because alcoholics are defined and their first sendency is saying that's bullshit. Isn't know me. So I'll catch in five years and then you let me know how it's working for you and what you learned last five years. So it's got to be some sort of profound personality change which you can't do by thinking? Why? I will see thinking would solve this problem. So apparently I have to develop a manner of living which demands reverse honesty. So it's not just the not drinking, it's not just the not thou shalt not, it's the develop a manner of living where your whole life the man's or say you just can't, you just you just become a whole different person. They differ to me. Not Drinking, becoming a whole different person, you know, and all that stuff. So one of the things that happens early on is you keep turning it over. You develop some sort of sense of God. You don't even know who god is, but you sort of go along for many reasons. Me, maybe you go along for one reason. All alcoholics go along with the God things. They want people to like them. Another addiction, you know. Please love me, please don't reject me. Please think, please look good up. I want to look good. I want people like me. They're all holding hands. I'll hold hands. They're all saying they believe in God. I'll say I believe in God. You're faking until you make it. You're fake it until you make it. To fake it for Twenty Years Touti you make it. Problem is you may get some relief, but you're not going to get the relief until you make it, until you do utterly abandon yourself to God, which is what they're talking about in the book. Until that happens, okay, that may take a long time to happen. That's not a bad thing. That's pretty much most of us. Takes a long time. Usually you find the person with you know, I've said this before, I've gotten run into twozero people. For every twozero people I see a who are not drinking and maybe not drinking but have had several slips. I have five years and I slipped, that two years and I slipped, and I have three years and I slived, five months and I slived. And you know, I'm for every twozero people like that and there's nothing wrong with that. You know, they may make it. You know, for every tooth I have one. I found maybe one guy who has thirty years sobriety and it's contented. Surprise, because they talked about here and there in the in the big bubbon says an alcohol being dry. At the moment. You know, we're all alcoholics. dride at the moment. This is envision for you. Here and there alcohol and alcohol dry at the moment. We're all dry at the moment. Says feel better, look better, I'm having a better time. We laugh at such stal. You know he's going to try the whole gate, the whole new where. He's going to try that the game again because...

...he's not happy with sobriety. Soon will know loneliness. You do. I would think if you feel better, you look better, you're having better time, you're saying, Hey, isn't this? I ain't never going to drink again. Every time I've met somebody who says I'm never going to drink again, they always drink. How about that? Now, I don't know everybody in the world. There's probably some guy here with forty years saying I say that all the time and I'm that's okay. I'm just on. Every time I've met somebody who was pronounced that they're never going to drink again, they've conquered it. They always drink again. You know, I because they don't have humility. They're not humble, they don't know what the word powerss needs, because they're not powerless, because they are in large and control every time I've met some of you has thirty, forty years. You know they'll be the first ones tell you I can be dropped in an hour. Why aren't you drunk? Because of God's grace in my life. Because they know that up to them they would be drunk. But they understand their powers obvious to so it's some sort of manner of living. Trying to figure out what this manner of living is. Trying to figure out with this alcoholism looks like how old ideas you got to get rid of. You know, you read Shit in the big book. It sounds absolutely preposterous. There is one who was all power. That what is God. But you find him now. Half Measures of value enough. Half measure, I figure half measures. Give me fifteen percent as I mean. I'm sober. I'm not. I said I'm I'm you know, I'm progresstopperfection. Half meet measures, get me that. And they say, what is this shit about? Unless you get real old ideas, the result was nail until you let go absolutely, and let go of what absolutely I mean. They can't possibly mean that. I mean I'm an alcoholic. That's one of the unless until in alcoholic, except as alcoholism, when olds consequences. Bry To be prepares to happeness. Will find none at all. What's an old idea? What are some of the consequence is? How about this? By wife tells me one day, you come on drunk more time, I'm leaving you. I'm a sobers. I am right now, get my car, I drive away. I get to the first I said, what the fucks you mean by that? Come on, drouping with time, come on drunk that light that night. Five Year marriage down. We too. So I lost everything because I didn't understand the state. I didn't. I just didn't understand the statement, and I'm a right guy, you know. And because I didn't understand that one of the consequences of being a chronic alcoholics. Whenever you hear something you don't like, it confuses you. It doesn't matter how similar, you just get confused. They can't mean that. You can't mean that God's everything or he is nothing. What does that mean? What do you mean God? What does that mean? God's everything or it is nothing. And here's the hand, here's the craziest part. If you read it. Most peop don't read it. They say in chapter the Agnostics, where it says that we're in talking to Agnostics, in talking to atheist, it says this sort of thinking must be abandoned. They say it's got to be abandoned, and then they say at the very end God is everything or he's nothing. My personal thinking is, reading the entire chapter, I think I you know, saying it's got to be abandoned, saying that alcoholics are defiant. That happens on the next grow up, you know, and that we it says, I'm in Premier Code of morals of their phloss of life would help us. would be so over long time ago, but they even help us. That's why I need God's help. Selfishness, and so we must get rid of the selfishness. We must or kills us. God makes that possible. My personal feeling is when they say God is either everything or nothing, a comes down on the everything side. I'm thinking that that's possible. I'm not thinking they're really giving you a true choice there, you know. I mean that's just my thinking, you know, as a living human being reading the Big Book of alcoholics anonymous. And yet there are people in alcoholics anonymous. And when they say, what do they say? And then they say we never apologize for God. And people are scared to talk about God in Aa. They're scared to talk about God. It's on the track because they don't want people. Why don't? Why are you kids talk about God? Oh, they might scare away the newcomer. That's nothing with anything likes. You might frighten the newcomer. They're going to run out the door. He said the word God, and I know where. They run into the park and it's a great run out the door,...

...you know, run back in with a new, different attitude. So here's the problem. Yeah, we were in a run one room school house here. You know, here's the deal. Try to you know, when I was going to school and I was doing the mathematics thing, we had three requisites. The way it worked in colleges. I would take Algebra. Then then when I took out to rock very for Algebra Ray I was ready for trigonometry. And if the trigonome jet say Algebra geometry, then if that I would take calculist, then multivariable calculist and analytical geometry, you know, and then it would go on and on and on. And so I graduate and I go from my pag you know, whatever the heck. I was going for, you know, that kind of thing, and in here. But here's the and I would be in classes with people that were at my level. You understand, because I couldn't understand and analytical geometry if all I had was trigonometry. You understand because there were a lot of stuff I had to take. And so if I was in a pest with anticallytical geometry, they had all taken all the prerepresents before to beat my class. But he's like a run one room classroom. We got people with thirty years and twenty years and fifteen years, people that have done the steps all over the place, and we got people with like three days. And we're all meeting in the same classroom. And so some guy with thirty years is hearing me and here's there, he's here in one thing. Another guy with three days hearing me, he's here in another thing. Who knows what Hell's going on here? You know, I'm just throwing out stuff, you know, because that's all I have to do. But you hear what you're supposed to hear. And if you want to hear something, it says God. The Way God works go Wilson says, is if you want them enough, will come. You always comes if you want them to know. So I always just some your throat shit out and stuff happens, because I am not responsible for carrying the message. I'm only responsible for trying to carry the message, which means Tonoma, do probably that I'm going to try to do the best job I can. On the fifth step it's probably be allows you job of best job I can do tonight. So what happens is they after many, many years of doing this stuff, I've developed into an individual and I'm not perfect and I have my foibles and everything. I've developed into a person where I've started to connect the dots. You know, some of you guys have been here long enough. I don't even think you have to be in here a long time. You can be in here a month and you connect some dots all because of this or that. I mean they may be rudimentary dots, you know. You know, you may go up somebody who says you don't hang out on the bars, but any why can I? I'm not going to drink, I'll drink cool and he says, you know, and they start talking about the old lines about hang out with slippery people. You know, to go to a bottle. What's the old line? You go to a bobber shop three or four times, eventually going to get a hair cut, and all of a sudden you start connecting those friends that you want to hang out with. You don't see any problem with because they're the only best friend you ever had. You stop connecting those friends, would possibly drinking again. You're sending in the back of the room. You see some goodlooking blond, the Brunette, and you say to a sponsor, look at her. You say to your sponsor that for twenty years I sat in the bar hitting guys in the ribs, saying look at her with her twenty years. Okay, I come in here. I send the back room. My sponsors is look at that one, he says Russell. He says what used to drink? I said Scott. What kind of Scotch? JAMB says. You see that one, she's a bottle of JAMD for you. She's about a Jaand Scotch with legs. You saw to chuckle and then you sort of like get it. You saw to get it. I don't know how you get it. It's like a God thing. And all sudden you connect lust and envy and went and romance with drinking. And if you're the kind of guy I was, where, more than anything else, I didn't want to drink, it's sort of like, I don't know, it's sort of like saltpeter. It's sort of like conjuct. You guys know what that is, sort of conju down. So, after years and years and years of all this stuff piling on and all the stuff that's happening, what happens is you connect so many dots, you see so many things that you, instead of working the steps,...

...you just live your life because you've Di the you've developed the life which demands were grisshonesty and your life. You're not, you know, it's not the big you become the big one. You just operate and think and do a certain thing and they happen to be talking about it, because I do then the way I actually am. But the truth is I'm also an alcoholics. Of If I don't continue to do certain things, my mind will go, I'm not sure, to this disease. All I have is a daily recreat contingent upon, you know, my my spiritual condition, and that's the deal. So you start connecting dots. So what happens when you start connecting dots with this deal. What happens is when you when you look at what I was told long time agoing it's true that your attitude in your mind will change about all this stuff. Everything will change. So you start connecting jots and you it's in one of the books that they found absolutely essential, and alcoholics anonymous, absolutely essential. Between Ninety thirty five and nineteen thirty nine. They don't push it in a anymore between nine thirty down five and nineteen thirty nine, or forty or forty five, they push it was first winday and thirteen and first conan thirteen said we see through a glass darkly, but soon all will be revealed. And one of the problems alcoholics have is they're so confused because they don't understand themselves. They don't even worse than they don't unstend themselves. They think they do understand themselves, but they don't understand themselves. And we spend years and years doing fourth steps and ten steps and fifth steps and everything just to try to pull away the covers so we can see who we really are, see who we really are and what we really are, and see we don't want to really hear who we really are. The Spiritual Axiom is whatever disturbing, no matter what the cause. There's something wrong with us. But the old way of living is whatever, I'm disturbing out of what the what the cause? There's something wrong with you. There's something wrong with you, and I can, believe me, I can spend a whole lifetime telling everybody why you're an asshole and prove it beyond it to the exclusion everyas will doubt. Yes, I shot your dog and killed your wife, but you should have called me a son of it. I can do that and it makes sense to me and I think you're stupid if you don't understand that. And how do you get an alcoholic the move from that to get to the point saying I'm the I'm the asshole. How do you change? That's like a miracle thing when you deal with the personality that basically want to say, do you want to go screw yourself? So it has something so somehow all these things are linked up and has something to do with humility. So one of the definitions of humility, I've haven't written here, somewhere, if I can get this thing to work, humility comes from the Latin word, you mill I mean, what does this have to do with the fist? Then? Well, maybe it has some fist. I'm going to read you a couple things. Humility comes from the Latin word, you millists, which literally means low. If you feel humility in front of someone, you feel smallness. Scheme of things. Someone who spends his life caring for others shows humility. Are leas are trusted servants, although it's related to humiliation which makes you feel low in a bad way. Humility is usually used to talk about a lack of ego in a religious context, and that is what I'm talking about right now, in a religious context. Don't they didn't? They didn't be found your saying. The big book to give me that part with says we encourage church membership. There wasn't once in Buil Wilson told that simple religious iety idea. I don't. I don't have prejudice against religion. You know why? Because I'm sober, I'm emotionally sober, and my big book says we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. I don't really know what kind of program you have. I don't know what kind of Big Book of reading my Big Book says we lose all prejudice. He against organized religion. I see a guy railiant against religions and a hate religion. Religion is...

...bullshit. I'm looking at guy who's not sober, as far as I'm attorney's not. So you know why? They's got a resentment and he's hanging. He's hanging tough on. He's not going to listen to a big book. He doesn't know anything about the second step. He doesn't know anything about open mindedness. He is closed. I can get up thirty years. He's got a problem. He's got a problem because he's not open to what the big book is saying. When it says you lose all prejudice, when you're a self centered, Ego Egotistical, arrogant alcoholic and your defiant and you have a big book says we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion, and you persist to announce everybody how religion is Shit, you understand all you're doing is feeling poison to the new person and telling him anybody talks about religion is an idiot, even though Bill Wilson and all the people here, all they did was they rely on people like father, you know. You know, like like Ed Dowling, like Sam Shoemaker, that we came out of the Oxford Group and they, and you can read if you read the history. But these guys who are sitting around on their their throne of contempt telling you how bad it is. So the bottom line, you know, religion is in a religious context, humility can mean recognition of self and relation to God and subsequent submission to God, which is what it's all about, submission to God once you make a sincere decision. Also, its remarkable things happened this ship, for God, you know, powerful, give you everything you need to stay close from performance work. Well, this is, in my opinion, this is our this is our program recovery. I know you're saying you're working your program recovery. Try Ours. It might work out for you. Try Ours. So let me read a couple things might go a little bit over. Let me read a couple things. This is step seven. Since this step is so specifically concerned stuff with humility, we should pause here to consider what humility is and what the practice of it can mean to us. Instead of the attainance, indeed the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of a's twelve steps. It's the foundation principle of each of twelve as faults, that including the fourth step, including the fifth step, including the eleventh step, for without some degree of humility, no alcohol can stay sober at all. Nearly all AIDS have found, too, that unless they develop a much more of this precious quality than maybe required just for sobriety, they still have much chance having much chance of becoming truly happy. How many people like to be sober and feel sorry for themselves? Be Sober and be lonely, be sober and not be happy and have the joy of living? I mean, you really want that deal? Without it, they can that live to much useful purpose or in adversity to be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency. And one of the definitions, one of the things, is knowing who and what you are, as it says in here, and humility in terms of the relationship with God. I'm going to read you to other things. You know, one of the interesting things that I find with the fifth to a. You know, I mean the truth is, as Y'all know a little bit about my background, you don't have to be like me. You don't have to do what I did at ten years sobriety. I needed more. I needed more because I wanted more. I want to know more about God, and so I started reading the books that they read, you know, the in Dr Bout and the girl time just said, the book we the books that we found absolutely essential, or first conthians thirteen, sermon on the man of the book of James. So I started studying those books. I started studying the Bible, because they said that's what they did, and I read a book says really, haven't seen Partha failed, who has thoroughly followed our path. So I started doing exactly what they were doing between nineteen thirty five, nine thousand nine hundred, nineteeny forty, and I stopped worrying about what the people in the room started me because I turned around I realized that you guys aren't even paying my visa bills. So I should have worried about when you care. And the inste thing. The more I focused on God, the more I went on with about God. Somehow, and apparently the some relationship with this, the less I worried about...

...your judgment and seeing me ready for this the more I focused on God and and be became consciously aware all the time of who he was and what he was and what I was like. Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terribles he's that I keep talking about and telling other people. The more I wanted to talk about God, the long I wanted I want to learn about God, the more I wanted to hang out with people that were talking about God. Those are, and the less I worried about you when you got mad at me or didn't like me, which to me was a new read them and a new happiness, because my entire life worry about what you were thinking about me, even though I'd say I don't give a shit what you think about me. My life is worried about. But why are they look at me that way? Why Looking? Why they lave me? When I lost, lost the concern about what you thought about me, it was like an incredible it was like a new freedom, it was like a new happiness. It was like I lost fear of people in an economic insecurity and everything like that, which I'll not come think of it. I think that's in the big book Abolcohol, Synmos. It's called the promises, and nobody in a was experienced in the promises because everybody was worried about talking about God, because they were worried about what other people would think about them and they didn't understand that there's a there's an absolute connection between not talking about God and not can you got life to God and continuing to be scared of other people and their judgment, because you make people your God. You make the group, the twelves are group, your God. You make your popularity the God. You understand what I'm saying, or maybe not. So I'm just going to read you toothing. And one of the things that's seen about the fifth step is for many, many years I could I detain him five seconds. I did the fifth step. I didn't know I was going to do it. I did the fourth step. If you haven't heard it, it's on. Take the fourth step in the introduction of the fourth step, because you should listen to that. But the bottom line is I did fisted a very simply. I want to see a psychiatrist because I felt confidable with him and I read my fourth step to him and he read. Is He prepared of several times and he read his no, she's up, funny, you never say anything about alcohol, you know, or something like that, and I can remember what he said to me when I said to him. But I shared the whole thing with him and I finished my fifth step and then I went to a meeting and some guy who was at this, that being some guy, said I know one thing about the fifth step. What say? You can't do with the psychiatrist, son of a bitch. I got all mad at him and my son said, Hey, look at this, any point of out of the book. It says perhaps our doctor, close mouth friend, perhaps our doctor a psychologist. He is. Don't worry about hi. It's just an alcoholic opinion. He is, though. We talked about, you know, and what I've heard, what I used to do and what I always used to do, as I always used to say. You know, I hear people say this is how I did the fifth step. I talked to Joe, I talked to Charlie, I talked to J I talked to another human being. You know, I did all they talked about. WHO THEY TALK to? Okay, and you know, here's the interesting thing. The entire book is about doing your relationship with God. See to what your relationship with God is right. See do we your relationship with God is right. The whole thing is about your relationship with God. That's where the power comes from. There is no man or woman or person can really view of this alcoholism. Only God couldn't. What if he was saw it? Only God couldn't. What if he was saw it? And Yeah, I'm bit fits that. And it says admitted to God, to ourselves in the other human being, the exact names of our wrongs. And everybody talks about the fifth Sep wants to talk about the other human being and nobody wants to talk about God. When the number one althose three people, God, myself, another humanine. The number one deal is admitting to God your faults. And the first person they talked about is God, and the most important one is God. And the hope is is that if you admit to another humandine, you'll be an out of your mouth, you'll be admit to yourself and you'll also be able to come clean with God. But nobody wants to talk about the God part because we...

...have a practice against God and alcoholics anonymous, when that's the real deal. They missed the whole point of the fifth step of alcoholics anonymous. But they didn't miss it, I think, back in one thousand nine hundred and thirty five or thirty six or thirty seven. So I'm going to close this off by reading a couple things just for laughs and Giggles, just just hell of it, because I got nothing. You know better than to do. This is from Dr Bottom, good old times. You might want to pick up this book for those of you think that you're working the Probo AB alcoholics anonymous. I like to do this just to upset people. So it's not my parent again. This is what was going on. You know, every mean you go to they say, really, I've seen for the fails certainly fought our path. This is what they were doing when they wrote this. Really, when they wrote really, I've seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. This is what they were doing, this is what they're doing. You would best to be advised when you hear that over and over again, listen to what they were doing, we're actually doing when they wrote that. So you're not confused. And it says the following is on page one hundred of our conference approved material. On the other hand, we were taking them upstairs and giving that, getting them on their knees to surrender, which I felt was a very important part. The surrender was more than important. It was a must. Bobby, who came into a and February of nineteen than seventy, called that after five and six days in the hospital, when you had indicated that you were serious, they told you to get down on your knees by the bed and say a prayer to God, admitting you were powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable. Furthermore, you had to state that you believe in the higher power who would return you to sanity. There you can see the beginning of the twelve steps. We call that the surrender. How about this? They demanded it. They demanded it you you couldn't go to a meeting until you did it. If, by accident, you didn't make it in the hospital, you had to make it in the upstairs bedroom over the WHIMSID's house. Dorothy has them recalled the nineteen thirty seven meetings, when the men would all disappear upstairs and all of us women would be nervous and worried about what was going on. After a half an hour so, down would come to new man shaking, White, serious and Grimm, and all the people who are already in a would come trooping down after them. They were pretty relocked into talk about what had happened, but after a while they would tell us they had a real surrender. I often wonder how many people that come in now would survive and experience like that. The people wrote that book, the founders, you know who said? This is founders day, isn't it? All you guys would say. Man, if I was only sponsored by Bill Wilson or Dr Bob, you know Dr Bobbin said, if you're an Eighthist, and I've knock about some sort of intellectual pride that keeps from this book, I feel sorry for you because you have ree follow when that you let me let you down. I feel sorry for you. If I was only sponsored by Dr Bob and Bill Wilson, if I, you know, I finally had them dead, I'd be okay, Bullshit. You'd be running out the door they began, your ass down on your knees. Those people that came in, they knew exactly what was going on. There was nothing in there about you scare away the newcomer. Here's the deal. The last thing I'm going to read is this. I can find. This is Dr Bob Twelve stepping Clarence to brew master. Let me read this to this is how Dr Bob Twelve Step People Doc Smith. Now Clarence is like thirty five years old. He weighs like a hundred thirty five pounds. He's a drunk. He can't stop drinking. He's in the hospital, hospitalized. So Clarence Dr Bob Walks in to see him. Doc Smith came...

...in later and took over. He sat on the edge of my bed and said, well, what do you think of all this? Then he paused and looked at me. Down for it. I don't know if you're ready yet. You're kind of young. I was down to a hundred thirty five pounds, no job, no clothes and no money. I didn't know how much more ready I could be. Recalled Clarence. Still I had to convince them I was ready. I want to listen. Is Still I had to convince them I was ready. Still I had to convinced. We sit here trying to beg people not to drink, worried about what they might go out the door. Convince them there. You understand that they're ready. You know, when I came in, they say to me, hey, why don't you just go out and have a drink? Don't you get the fuck out of here and have a train? I don't I hear your bullshit. I don't know. I guess we're are we kinder and soft? I don't know whether it's good or that. I'm just telling you what they did. It says still I had to convince them I was ready. Then he said, first question from Dr Bob's Lips. Do you believe in God, Young Fella? He always called me young fellow. When he called me Clarence, I knew I was in trouble. Then Clarence says, Clarence says this. What does that have to do with it? Dr Bob says everything, everything. I guess he wasn't worried about scaring away the newcomer. I guess. I do guess nothing. Either you do or you don't. Yes, I do, that's fine, Bob replied. Now we're getting someplace. All Right, get out of the bed and on your knees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray. I guess you don't, but that's all righteous follow what I say and that will do for now. I did what I was ordered to do. Clarence said there were no suggestions. Dr Bob was always positive about his faith. Clarence said, if someone asked him a question about the program, is usually responsible was what is it saying the good book? Suppose he was asked, what is this? First things first. Their guys ever see signs of room called first things first, you ever know what they were that came from? So next time you see it, let me tell you where it came from. Dr Bob be ready with an appropriate quotation. Seeking first to Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added. Unto you right now. So I'll tell you what. Next time you decide that you really want to work the program recovery, you really want to work this thing seriously instead of a bullshit way or a light or any of the other stuff that's going around that they're teaching and treatment centers where they're teaching, you know, devoid of God, a form of Real Lichen without power, a form of religion without power. Next time you want to try and you want to decide that you're going to you're going to take the fifth step in the six steps seriously and you're going to separate yourself and men and the boys. You think about what this program is all about and what they were actually doing, according to literature, in nineteen thirty five through nineteen thirty nine. And so next time you hear all this stuff in the big book, you don't filter through what some guys telling you in the back of the room. We saying don't scare with the newcomer. You think about what they were actually doing in this program because I'm going to tell you something. There are setup, there are there are other programs today and alcoholics anonymous that have nothing to do withoutcoholics anonymous as nothing to do withoutcoholics anonyms, and people are suffering because of it. And because of that, people with ten years of drinking and people are fifteen and twenty years of drinking and people are three months of drinking. You know why? Because because we have a new AA now and the new way is now and not, instead of guiding people and let him know what a is all about, it's let him flounder around and drink and drug for twenty to thirty years until they figure it out. If they don't die. Now you don't believe me. Don't believe me as you can say, well, that's his opinion. Read the books.

There's nothing I said here that isn't right out of the book. Alcoholics anonymous, right out of these books. To three the books. You know, of course you're an alcoholic. You might read something like I said. You know, han't say it confuses you. You know, read the Black and white in the books and what it says. So thank you very much.

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