AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 7 months ago

Russell S. Step 5 (talk 6) at the 12 Step House 6/10/2021

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Russell S. Step 5 (talk 6) at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 6/10/2021  

Russell spats, alcoholic so and Iremember the starts. A group having time of savage rink since January twenty fiveone thousand, nineteen eighty one right, whatever you know. Some people callit emotional sobriety. My Wife Calls It senility. Who knows? We'll sayI'm going to talk a little bit about the fifth step. It means I'mgoing to talk about the seventh step, which means I'm going to talk aboutthe sixth step and the third step, second step, fourth step and thetwelve step. So all I can do is it's all gotten very confusing tome, and sometimes when things are confusing to an alcoholic like me, whathappens is you just sort of give up trying to figure it out. Youknow, because every time I went to I graduated the partneral honors in Mathematicsand I was going for my PhD. That was my plan to go formy PhD in Algebraic topology and mathematics outside go to law school and as Iused to do a lot of thinking. Now, if you're an alcohol youshould understand this, because alcoholics are compulsive thinkers. I mean it's bad thinkingabout yourself and other people about. I know it's not good thinking and youcould spend years and years and years trying to stop thinking. I mean,and I know many of you guys have been here throughout the step series andso especially you've been here for the second step and the fourth step in theintroduction of the fourth step. So I'm not going to go into explaining anythingabout insanity for the true nature of disease of alcoholism, which really has littledo with the drinking. The drinking is just a symptom of our disease,but the real nature sentence in our mind, on our body and the way wethink, the compulsive, unhealthy way. You know, I think Bill Wilsonsaid, the real problem with alcoholics is onhealthy dependencies on everything, dependencieson Romance, on other people. And I'm a blamer, I'm a complainer, I'm a victim, I feel sorry for myself, I'm pissed off,and that's just half the shit, you know what I mean, and Idon't need to drink alcohol to have that going for me. Let's say that'slike my natural state. That's my natural state of affair. I was likethat before I started drinking, when I was was thirteen and twelve, eleven, ten years. I just never saw anybody that looked as sensitive as Ifelt. I never saw anybody in my life that looked like a hate andju hated injustice as much as I hated injustice, you know. And Iwas always comparing my insize. Everybody else is outside and you guys always looklike you were slicking cool and I always found felt so in act and notgood enough. And so that's the way I was before I started drinking.I guess the Big Book Calls It restless. Sir, will discontent, and Idon't care what you call it. Throw whatever words onto this. Morewords than that to get thrown on it. I started drinking and what drinking doesis my my deal is nothing works as well as just a few drinks. You know. It just relieves all that stuff at all sort of comestogether, you know what I mean, and you go from, I don'tknow, Archie bunker to Brad Pitt and five Nano setles, you know,and that's the deal. And women and you can get you can have sexand all that sort of stuff. And you know, I was told onceto whatever you used alcohol, do anything, you lose the IT. You losethe ability to do that same thing without the alcohol. Whenever you usealcohol to dance or have sex or anything, a romance or anything like that,if that don't has to be in the mix, then you can't dothat without the alcohol. You need to have it in order to just function. And and so I was an alcoop before I started drinking, during thedrinking and I and you know something, I got the same dosay after Istopped drinking. I had the same disease...

...that I've ever ever since, fromthe ages one to thirteen. You know, I still got that deal going on. You know, the self pity, the self loathing. Dr Carl Young. What was it not? Carl Young? Was Carl Manager, says, and a man against himself, says in the book alcoholics of men,women will have to destroy themselves. You know, from time to time they'rejust, you know, just everything's normal except the slight nervous this position.Just from time to time you drive into the car and you hear this voiceand says you're worthless, piece of Shit, you might as well kill yourself.It's just what of comes out from somewhere. You look around you sayingthat Shit, do you you're the only one in the car. You knowwhat I mean. And and apparently I was told anybody who's on the planetwho reaches the age of twenty five or thirty and doesn't have any idea whothey are, what they are or what the purposes in life is going tobe, to a certain extent, in the rock. And I was oneof neurotic son of a bish when I got here, I can tell youI can and I came to these rooms as two neurons working their way whenyou buy to each other, and I wasn't doing too well. We havean interesting thing in this out by so so one of the things that happensis after you've been you know, they say what you have to is youhave to develop a manner of living. A man is like a manner ofliving. I have a manner of living. You know, if you're an activealcoholic without a program, trust me, you have a manner of living.You have you ever noticed that before you came day, you had amanner of living? You ever noticed before you come in? Maybe, lookingback, or maybe why you wanted that to you, your alcoholic life seemedthe only normal one. I mean it was sort of normal for you tobe pissed off at people. Normal for you to get angry, normal foryou to feel sorry for yourself, normal for you to, you know,be jealous of people and be NBOUS. Normal. Did you ever notice thatyou, the way you lived before coming into program was was normal to you, and that it was always west, always the same type of thinking,all the same, always same type of anger, all this, always thesame type of drama? All you ever noticed that that that you were consistentlyfucked up? But it was, it wasn't like, it wasn't like,Oh man, that's an original thought. Never, never, never did thatbefore. You know, you ever ever see this, so I ain't nevergoing to do that again. Then you did it again and again and againand again and again and again and A. See my problems is I didn't.Here's the thing. I didn't even know I had a problem, becausewhen you normally are fucking insane, I want to use the APP work becausewe have some New People here. I want to make sure that they understandthey're not in church, because I'll probably also talk about Jesus, but butnow it would be okay because I use the up for it. So yousay we at least I'm not in church. You know, it's not trying topromote anything or anything. So you'll let your guard down. Then what'stoo late, you already have so it's in there. You know what Imean. So in any way, so I love the plant seeds. Idon't need to Piss people off. It just it's a natural thing. Ithappens when I talk. I can't help it. But Luckily for me,like my sponsor said, when I said you ever get resentments that yet him, I give them. You know, ninety percent of the stuff I got, ninety percent of the the things that happened to me where I learned shitin AA. I learned it at the tail end. Up Being pissed offat somebody who said something I didn't like, because at least I was listening toit, and it rocked my life life. You know, I said, how that something who doesn't know me? Who That is? He think hehas? He hasn't known, and after about a week of that andpraying everything, I said, Holy Shit, he's right, it's right. I'velearned thing about myself, because that's the way we are worth the fiance. And so one of the things that happens is we have a way oflife and it's a matter of living which the manage rigorous dishonesty. I'm arationalized right, I tell myself rationalized. I teld me she's myself shit.That is not true, but I think it's true. I mean, Ihate people in the way they do things to me. I hate the waythe world is, I hate the way you are. If only people wouldagree with me, if only I get I once said to my said,how you doing? I said I'm doing great, because you must get inyour own way. But I was you...

...know what I mean, and thenI wasn't got my own way and I was pissed, you know, andand you know, I just have a manner of living, a lot mannerof thinking that feels comfortable to me. And so it says in the bigbook about Bollson. Obviously sings sort of weave in and we've out. Itsays when the Guy said, when Dr Young said, you have the mindto dods call to rolling hazard. If I read the Big Book, I'msorry you can be a little lost. I want to read it and you'llrecognize, as he says, rolling out of it, as it who hadbeen sober for about a year under the totelush of the greatest doctor, thepsychiatrist in the world, and he said to himself, now, knowing thisis what rolling the Alki said now, knowing the inner workings of my mind, drinking is impossible. You know, you might say yourself after three monthsor one year, or six years or ten years, I've got it now. Drinking's impossible. I'm not going to drink. I'm not perfect, butI at least I got it now, and then he's drank again. It'snevertheless, he was dropped. In a few weeks he went back of thedoctor. He said, he sounds, say what's wrong with me? andDoctor Young said to him the following. I wish more doctors would say this. I wish more doctors, roness. So this is what he said.And we have a big book, which means we agree with this big book. I believe that everything that's said in the big book is true. Ifound, I've discovered of a period of Tom and experiment. It's true,even though I don't think. How about this, even though I don't agreewith it, it's true. You know, does I mean? That's the truth, doesn't matter what I agree with it or not, you know,and so I've this book called Alcohol sign this is what Dr Young told them. He said you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. You know,alcoholism is progressive. Chronic disease gets worse over any period of time. Saysyou have the mind of a chronic alcoholic and if you're an alcoholic, youhave the mind or chronic alcohol you know, I mean he's might as well leastthey put in the book as he's talking to you, because one ofour old ideas is that where you need you know, we say things likeyou don't understand I'm different, you don't know me, you don't know howmany time you know. And the truth is I do know you. Theonly person who doesn't know you was you. That's how we have sponsors who actuallyknow us, you know, because they've been through the wars. Theyget us. You don't get you. And so he said you have themind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never been successful with an alcoholic withthis sort of state of mind. Exists, there, once in a while,things happen to these people. They we call them phenomena. That's like ascientific word for miracle. It means we have no idea that they change.They change, you know, one day they're drinking, the next day tonot trink it. One day they're horring around there. You know, they'reselling themselves and their soul and everything for a, for applause or whatever itis. Next Day they're not. One day they're scared, the next daythey have courage when they were children. That's the one day their children,next day their men and women. You know, one day they think theirpieces of Shit, the next weapon, the next day. You know theythey don't think that way anymore. You know, they just say it's justthe miracle. We don't understand why. We can't do it with drugs.Really can. Can't do it's like I doesn't work, doesn't last. Sinceyou have the mind of chronic alcohol we we it's a phenomenal he says.He says they have some sort of profound if your's about profound personality change,it's not the it's not the alcohol deficiency, it's not the lack of alcohol,it's something called a profound personality change. Now I think I spent the firstten or fifteen years an AA and I'm sure I'm spending some more timeeven now. I mean you know, you know then, but I definitelya first ten years, an a learning what the fee, what alcoholism,the disease, is actually all about. Because you come day and nothing wrongwith this, not wanting to drink and whine. You think alcoholism as somethingdo with drinking, because it happens to be in the name alcoholic alcoholism,you know what I mean. So you...

...think it has something with drinking.So you stop drinking, you get you for you feel better, you knowwhat I mean, and you think that you've now conquered alcoholism and you're ina group called alcoholics anonymous. So you know what has to do with alcohol. And you hear when you first come in, the first month, orfear for two years, you hear people say don't drink it, even ifyour ass falls off. There ain't no problem so big that a brink.What can make it worse? You see there having birthday parties. How manyyears? You have? Three months, for months, like we did today. The mean everything is about out. All you hear is about alcoholism.And you know, I got a year, I got two years and everything likethat. And then every once in a while. Every once in awhile I call up a guy and I've sponsored them and he's been missing forabout it a week. Maybe he's been on vacation. I said this happeningonce and I said Jack, I said, you know, I haven't seen yourweek. I said, welcome back. I said, let's go to meetingtime. And Jack says to me, he says, he says, listen, I just got to home. I'm count. I says, Hey, Jack, Ham't been to me a week. Let's go to night.To me and he says, Hey, Russell, I love you, butget off my back. I'm not even thinking about drinking. Two Hours Lady, Jack was drunk. How about that? How about that? And you knowsomeone? He said, I'm not even thinking about drinking. Here's thecrazy thing. He was since here some guy starts. You know, someguys sponsorous. So he says them, son of a bitches, they jet, they chip me have the money. I'm going to show that they don'tknow who the hell they're deal with. I said, I'm going to tellyou something. You don't get rid of his bullshit, you're going to drink. This is bullshit. I'm not going to drink. Their assholes and I'mgoing to prove it in the blah, Blah Blah. Three hours later he'sarrested by police. He's drunk. Didn't even know he was going to drink. I knew he was gonna drink. You know what I mean. Iknow he's going side. When you often find out, as you got peoplethat have a year sobriety, two years sobriety, five years sobriety, tenyears sobriety and they drink again after ten or fifteen years, thirty years sobriety, when an alcoholic who has experienced the incredible stuff in this program drinks afterhe's been sober and he lives right before he drinks. Listen, this isthis amazing stuff. This is like post graduate right before he drinks that alcohol, he's physically sober. He's not drinking because he's craving alcohol. He's drinkingbecause he's never understood the true nature of our disease. He never got anhe never got to handle on what the DIS ease of alcoholism really is.And so he isn't drinking, he's trying to get laid or, if heisn't drinking, he's spending money. He doesn't have the by Shit. Hedoesn't need to imprint people is in like and make himself feel better. Ifhe isn't drinking, he's doing something else that self destructive. And so CarlYoung says, once you lap onto this this power that comes from God,once you, he says, you have a profound personality change. So mySane said, why do you say this stuff? You say, why doyou do the stuff you do? This is why do you do that?I said that's just my personality. Says, well, your personality is going tokill you, but I have an added drinking us. Your personality isgoing to kill you. And then he says ideas, emotions and attitudes thatare the guiding forces of these men's lives are passed one side and they becomedominated by who you said of healthy ideas, emotions and attitudes. Or later onin the big book it says that they're selfish and their self centered andthey're driven. They use a better word than guidance. Driven, compulsively driven. It's like they're on automatic pilot to the toilet. You know what Imean. They're driven. They're selfish, selfset and driven by hundred forms offear. Self delusion, selfseeking, most if not all, of which theydon't even know they have. Selfdelusion. That means we're diluted. I'm let'smake believe. How about this? Forget about me, let's make be leak. Now I proven the self to me in my life. Well, it'sone thing to listen some guy like me talking the podium and I got fortyyears and this is what I did. It's another thing when you prove itto yourself over and over and over again...

...because of your actions and you constantlyget repeat humiliations to final crushing them selfufficiency. It's another thing when you go forthe next ten years beating the shit out of yourself and losing and losinglosing. So one day you wake up and you realize something that they've beentelling you for last ten years and say, Holy Shit, they were right,you know, and then you realize they're right, and then you spendthe next five years trying to get rid of that. To you in reallythe it's not as easy as the alcohol, is it not as easy to getrid of the lust as the alcohol? Yeah, I know you believe.If you if I only had a man, only had a woman,if somebody only loved me, if I only had romance, if you knowthe worldly clamors, if I only had a new car, if I haven'tknow I had to do. It's hard to ever of that stuff when it'sso clear to you that that's the answer. And it says, what does itsay in the book? It says selfdelusion. Our alcoholic life and thinkingseems only normal one. You know it says. It says what we ultimatelylearn, ultimately learned means ten, fifteen, twenty years down the road. Doesn'tmean three months Ober, that we've made decisions based upon self which willus and in a position that we heard. So now alcohol this self will wearand right, whatever that is, you may take ten years a little. That is, though he usually doesn't think so. So if you don'tthink that, if you don't think anything I'm saying is true, you're perfect, because alcoholics are defined and their first sendency is saying that's bullshit. Isn'tknow me. So I'll catch in five years and then you let me knowhow it's working for you and what you learned last five years. So it'sgot to be some sort of profound personality change which you can't do by thinking? Why? I will see thinking would solve this problem. So apparently Ihave to develop a manner of living which demands reverse honesty. So it's notjust the not drinking, it's not just the not thou shalt not, it'sthe develop a manner of living where your whole life the man's or say youjust can't, you just you just become a whole different person. They differto me. Not Drinking, becoming a whole different person, you know,and all that stuff. So one of the things that happens early on isyou keep turning it over. You develop some sort of sense of God.You don't even know who god is, but you sort of go along formany reasons. Me, maybe you go along for one reason. All alcoholicsgo along with the God things. They want people to like them. Anotheraddiction, you know. Please love me, please don't reject me. Please think, please look good up. I want to look good. I wantpeople like me. They're all holding hands. I'll hold hands. They're all sayingthey believe in God. I'll say I believe in God. You're fakinguntil you make it. You're fake it until you make it. To fakeit for Twenty Years Touti you make it. Problem is you may get some relief, but you're not going to get the relief until you make it,until you do utterly abandon yourself to God, which is what they're talking about inthe book. Until that happens, okay, that may take a longtime to happen. That's not a bad thing. That's pretty much most ofus. Takes a long time. Usually you find the person with you know, I've said this before, I've gotten run into twozero people. For everytwozero people I see a who are not drinking and maybe not drinking but havehad several slips. I have five years and I slipped, that two yearsand I slipped, and I have three years and I slived, five monthsand I slived. And you know, I'm for every twozero people like thatand there's nothing wrong with that. You know, they may make it.You know, for every tooth I have one. I found maybe one guywho has thirty years sobriety and it's contented. Surprise, because they talked about hereand there in the in the big bubbon says an alcohol being dry.At the moment. You know, we're all alcoholics. dride at the moment. This is envision for you. Here and there alcohol and alcohol dry atthe moment. We're all dry at the moment. Says feel better, lookbetter, I'm having a better time. We laugh at such stal. Youknow he's going to try the whole gate, the whole new where. He's goingto try that the game again because...

...he's not happy with sobriety. Soonwill know loneliness. You do. I would think if you feel better,you look better, you're having better time, you're saying, Hey, isn't this? I ain't never going to drink again. Every time I've met somebodywho says I'm never going to drink again, they always drink. How about that? Now, I don't know everybody in the world. There's probably someguy here with forty years saying I say that all the time and I'm that'sokay. I'm just on. Every time I've met somebody who was pronounced thatthey're never going to drink again, they've conquered it. They always drink again. You know, I because they don't have humility. They're not humble,they don't know what the word powerss needs, because they're not powerless, because theyare in large and control every time I've met some of you has thirty, forty years. You know they'll be the first ones tell you I canbe dropped in an hour. Why aren't you drunk? Because of God's gracein my life. Because they know that up to them they would be drunk. But they understand their powers obvious to so it's some sort of manner ofliving. Trying to figure out what this manner of living is. Trying tofigure out with this alcoholism looks like how old ideas you got to get ridof. You know, you read Shit in the big book. It soundsabsolutely preposterous. There is one who was all power. That what is God. But you find him now. Half Measures of value enough. Half measure, I figure half measures. Give me fifteen percent as I mean. I'msober. I'm not. I said I'm I'm you know, I'm progresstopperfection.Half meet measures, get me that. And they say, what is thisshit about? Unless you get real old ideas, the result was nail untilyou let go absolutely, and let go of what absolutely I mean. Theycan't possibly mean that. I mean I'm an alcoholic. That's one of theunless until in alcoholic, except as alcoholism, when olds consequences. Bry To beprepares to happeness. Will find none at all. What's an old idea? What are some of the consequence is? How about this? By wife tellsme one day, you come on drunk more time, I'm leaving you. I'm a sobers. I am right now, get my car, Idrive away. I get to the first I said, what the fucks youmean by that? Come on, drouping with time, come on drunk thatlight that night. Five Year marriage down. We too. So I lost everythingbecause I didn't understand the state. I didn't. I just didn't understandthe statement, and I'm a right guy, you know. And because I didn'tunderstand that one of the consequences of being a chronic alcoholics. Whenever youhear something you don't like, it confuses you. It doesn't matter how similar, you just get confused. They can't mean that. You can't mean thatGod's everything or he is nothing. What does that mean? What do youmean God? What does that mean? God's everything or it is nothing.And here's the hand, here's the craziest part. If you read it.Most peop don't read it. They say in chapter the Agnostics, where itsays that we're in talking to Agnostics, in talking to atheist, it saysthis sort of thinking must be abandoned. They say it's got to be abandoned, and then they say at the very end God is everything or he's nothing. My personal thinking is, reading the entire chapter, I think I youknow, saying it's got to be abandoned, saying that alcoholics are defiant. Thathappens on the next grow up, you know, and that we itsays, I'm in Premier Code of morals of their phloss of life would helpus. would be so over long time ago, but they even help us. That's why I need God's help. Selfishness, and so we must getrid of the selfishness. We must or kills us. God makes that possible. My personal feeling is when they say God is either everything or nothing,a comes down on the everything side. I'm thinking that that's possible. I'mnot thinking they're really giving you a true choice there, you know. Imean that's just my thinking, you know, as a living human being reading theBig Book of alcoholics anonymous. And yet there are people in alcoholics anonymous. And when they say, what do they say? And then they saywe never apologize for God. And people are scared to talk about God inAa. They're scared to talk about God. It's on the track because they don'twant people. Why don't? Why are you kids talk about God?Oh, they might scare away the newcomer. That's nothing with anything likes. Youmight frighten the newcomer. They're going to run out the door. Hesaid the word God, and I know where. They run into the parkand it's a great run out the door,...

...you know, run back in witha new, different attitude. So here's the problem. Yeah, wewere in a run one room school house here. You know, here's thedeal. Try to you know, when I was going to school and Iwas doing the mathematics thing, we had three requisites. The way it workedin colleges. I would take Algebra. Then then when I took out torock very for Algebra Ray I was ready for trigonometry. And if the trigonomejet say Algebra geometry, then if that I would take calculist, then multivariablecalculist and analytical geometry, you know, and then it would go on andon and on. And so I graduate and I go from my pag youknow, whatever the heck. I was going for, you know, thatkind of thing, and in here. But here's the and I would bein classes with people that were at my level. You understand, because Icouldn't understand and analytical geometry if all I had was trigonometry. You understand becausethere were a lot of stuff I had to take. And so if Iwas in a pest with anticallytical geometry, they had all taken all the prerepresentsbefore to beat my class. But he's like a run one room classroom.We got people with thirty years and twenty years and fifteen years, people thathave done the steps all over the place, and we got people with like threedays. And we're all meeting in the same classroom. And so someguy with thirty years is hearing me and here's there, he's here in onething. Another guy with three days hearing me, he's here in another thing. Who knows what Hell's going on here? You know, I'm just throwing outstuff, you know, because that's all I have to do. Butyou hear what you're supposed to hear. And if you want to hear something, it says God. The Way God works go Wilson says, is ifyou want them enough, will come. You always comes if you want themto know. So I always just some your throat shit out and stuff happens, because I am not responsible for carrying the message. I'm only responsible fortrying to carry the message, which means Tonoma, do probably that I'm goingto try to do the best job I can. On the fifth step it'sprobably be allows you job of best job I can do tonight. So whathappens is they after many, many years of doing this stuff, I've developedinto an individual and I'm not perfect and I have my foibles and everything.I've developed into a person where I've started to connect the dots. You know, some of you guys have been here long enough. I don't even thinkyou have to be in here a long time. You can be in herea month and you connect some dots all because of this or that. Imean they may be rudimentary dots, you know. You know, you maygo up somebody who says you don't hang out on the bars, but anywhy can I? I'm not going to drink, I'll drink cool and hesays, you know, and they start talking about the old lines about hangout with slippery people. You know, to go to a bottle. What'sthe old line? You go to a bobber shop three or four times,eventually going to get a hair cut, and all of a sudden you startconnecting those friends that you want to hang out with. You don't see anyproblem with because they're the only best friend you ever had. You stop connectingthose friends, would possibly drinking again. You're sending in the back of theroom. You see some goodlooking blond, the Brunette, and you say toa sponsor, look at her. You say to your sponsor that for twentyyears I sat in the bar hitting guys in the ribs, saying look ather with her twenty years. Okay, I come in here. I sendthe back room. My sponsors is look at that one, he says Russell. He says what used to drink? I said Scott. What kind ofScotch? JAMB says. You see that one, she's a bottle of JAMDfor you. She's about a Jaand Scotch with legs. You saw to chuckleand then you sort of like get it. You saw to get it. Idon't know how you get it. It's like a God thing. Andall sudden you connect lust and envy and went and romance with drinking. Andif you're the kind of guy I was, where, more than anything else,I didn't want to drink, it's sort of like, I don't know, it's sort of like saltpeter. It's sort of like conjuct. You guysknow what that is, sort of conju down. So, after years andyears and years of all this stuff piling on and all the stuff that's happening, what happens is you connect so many dots, you see so many thingsthat you, instead of working the steps,...

...you just live your life because you'veDi the you've developed the life which demands were grisshonesty and your life.You're not, you know, it's not the big you become the big one. You just operate and think and do a certain thing and they happen tobe talking about it, because I do then the way I actually am.But the truth is I'm also an alcoholics. Of If I don't continue to docertain things, my mind will go, I'm not sure, to this disease. All I have is a daily recreat contingent upon, you know,my my spiritual condition, and that's the deal. So you start connecting dots. So what happens when you start connecting dots with this deal. What happensis when you when you look at what I was told long time agoing it'strue that your attitude in your mind will change about all this stuff. Everythingwill change. So you start connecting jots and you it's in one of thebooks that they found absolutely essential, and alcoholics anonymous, absolutely essential. BetweenNinety thirty five and nineteen thirty nine. They don't push it in a anymorebetween nine thirty down five and nineteen thirty nine, or forty or forty five, they push it was first winday and thirteen and first conan thirteen said wesee through a glass darkly, but soon all will be revealed. And oneof the problems alcoholics have is they're so confused because they don't understand themselves.They don't even worse than they don't unstend themselves. They think they do understandthemselves, but they don't understand themselves. And we spend years and years doingfourth steps and ten steps and fifth steps and everything just to try to pullaway the covers so we can see who we really are, see who wereally are and what we really are, and see we don't want to reallyhear who we really are. The Spiritual Axiom is whatever disturbing, no matterwhat the cause. There's something wrong with us. But the old way ofliving is whatever, I'm disturbing out of what the what the cause? There'ssomething wrong with you. There's something wrong with you, and I can,believe me, I can spend a whole lifetime telling everybody why you're an assholeand prove it beyond it to the exclusion everyas will doubt. Yes, Ishot your dog and killed your wife, but you should have called me ason of it. I can do that and it makes sense to me andI think you're stupid if you don't understand that. And how do you getan alcoholic the move from that to get to the point saying I'm the I'mthe asshole. How do you change? That's like a miracle thing when youdeal with the personality that basically want to say, do you want to goscrew yourself? So it has something so somehow all these things are linked upand has something to do with humility. So one of the definitions of humility, I've haven't written here, somewhere, if I can get this thing towork, humility comes from the Latin word, you mill I mean, what doesthis have to do with the fist? Then? Well, maybe it hassome fist. I'm going to read you a couple things. Humility comesfrom the Latin word, you millists, which literally means low. If youfeel humility in front of someone, you feel smallness. Scheme of things.Someone who spends his life caring for others shows humility. Are leas are trustedservants, although it's related to humiliation which makes you feel low in a badway. Humility is usually used to talk about a lack of ego in areligious context, and that is what I'm talking about right now, in areligious context. Don't they didn't? They didn't be found your saying. Thebig book to give me that part with says we encourage church membership. Therewasn't once in Buil Wilson told that simple religious iety idea. I don't.I don't have prejudice against religion. You know why? Because I'm sober,I'm emotionally sober, and my big book says we lose all prejudice, evenagainst organized religion. I don't really know what kind of program you have.I don't know what kind of Big Book of reading my Big Book says welose all prejudice. He against organized religion. I see a guy railiant against religionsand a hate religion. Religion is...

...bullshit. I'm looking at guy who'snot sober, as far as I'm attorney's not. So you know why?They's got a resentment and he's hanging. He's hanging tough on. He's notgoing to listen to a big book. He doesn't know anything about the secondstep. He doesn't know anything about open mindedness. He is closed. Ican get up thirty years. He's got a problem. He's got a problembecause he's not open to what the big book is saying. When it saysyou lose all prejudice, when you're a self centered, Ego Egotistical, arrogantalcoholic and your defiant and you have a big book says we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion, and you persist to announce everybody how religion isShit, you understand all you're doing is feeling poison to the new person andtelling him anybody talks about religion is an idiot, even though Bill Wilson andall the people here, all they did was they rely on people like father, you know. You know, like like Ed Dowling, like Sam Shoemaker, that we came out of the Oxford Group and they, and you canread if you read the history. But these guys who are sitting around ontheir their throne of contempt telling you how bad it is. So the bottomline, you know, religion is in a religious context, humility can meanrecognition of self and relation to God and subsequent submission to God, which iswhat it's all about, submission to God once you make a sincere decision.Also, its remarkable things happened this ship, for God, you know, powerful, give you everything you need to stay close from performance work. Well, this is, in my opinion, this is our this is our programrecovery. I know you're saying you're working your program recovery. Try Ours.It might work out for you. Try Ours. So let me read acouple things might go a little bit over. Let me read a couple things.This is step seven. Since this step is so specifically concerned stuff withhumility, we should pause here to consider what humility is and what the practiceof it can mean to us. Instead of the attainance, indeed the attainmentof greater humility is the foundation principle of each of a's twelve steps. It'sthe foundation principle of each of twelve as faults, that including the fourth step, including the fifth step, including the eleventh step, for without some degreeof humility, no alcohol can stay sober at all. Nearly all AIDS havefound, too, that unless they develop a much more of this precious qualitythan maybe required just for sobriety, they still have much chance having much chanceof becoming truly happy. How many people like to be sober and feel sorryfor themselves? Be Sober and be lonely, be sober and not be happy andhave the joy of living? I mean, you really want that deal? Without it, they can that live to much useful purpose or in adversityto be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency. And oneof the definitions, one of the things, is knowing who and what you are, as it says in here, and humility in terms of the relationshipwith God. I'm going to read you to other things. You know,one of the interesting things that I find with the fifth to a. Youknow, I mean the truth is, as Y'all know a little bit aboutmy background, you don't have to be like me. You don't have todo what I did at ten years sobriety. I needed more. I needed morebecause I wanted more. I want to know more about God, andso I started reading the books that they read, you know, the inDr Bout and the girl time just said, the book we the books that wefound absolutely essential, or first conthians thirteen, sermon on the man ofthe book of James. So I started studying those books. I started studyingthe Bible, because they said that's what they did, and I read abook says really, haven't seen Partha failed, who has thoroughly followed our path.So I started doing exactly what they were doing between nineteen thirty five,nine thousand nine hundred, nineteeny forty, and I stopped worrying about what thepeople in the room started me because I turned around I realized that you guysaren't even paying my visa bills. So I should have worried about when youcare. And the inste thing. The more I focused on God, themore I went on with about God. Somehow, and apparently the some relationshipwith this, the less I worried about...

...your judgment and seeing me ready forthis the more I focused on God and and be became consciously aware all thetime of who he was and what he was and what I was like.Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing meof this terribles he's that I keep talking about and telling other people. Themore I wanted to talk about God, the long I wanted I want tolearn about God, the more I wanted to hang out with people that weretalking about God. Those are, and the less I worried about you whenyou got mad at me or didn't like me, which to me was anew read them and a new happiness, because my entire life worry about whatyou were thinking about me, even though I'd say I don't give a shitwhat you think about me. My life is worried about. But why arethey look at me that way? Why Looking? Why they lave me?When I lost, lost the concern about what you thought about me, itwas like an incredible it was like a new freedom, it was like anew happiness. It was like I lost fear of people in an economic insecurityand everything like that, which I'll not come think of it. I thinkthat's in the big book Abolcohol, Synmos. It's called the promises, and nobodyin a was experienced in the promises because everybody was worried about talking aboutGod, because they were worried about what other people would think about them andthey didn't understand that there's a there's an absolute connection between not talking about Godand not can you got life to God and continuing to be scared of otherpeople and their judgment, because you make people your God. You make thegroup, the twelves are group, your God. You make your popularity theGod. You understand what I'm saying, or maybe not. So I'm justgoing to read you toothing. And one of the things that's seen about thefifth step is for many, many years I could I detain him five seconds. I did the fifth step. I didn't know I was going to doit. I did the fourth step. If you haven't heard it, it'son. Take the fourth step in the introduction of the fourth step, becauseyou should listen to that. But the bottom line is I did fisted avery simply. I want to see a psychiatrist because I felt confidable with himand I read my fourth step to him and he read. Is He preparedof several times and he read his no, she's up, funny, you neversay anything about alcohol, you know, or something like that, and Ican remember what he said to me when I said to him. ButI shared the whole thing with him and I finished my fifth step and thenI went to a meeting and some guy who was at this, that beingsome guy, said I know one thing about the fifth step. What say? You can't do with the psychiatrist, son of a bitch. I gotall mad at him and my son said, Hey, look at this, anypoint of out of the book. It says perhaps our doctor, closemouth friend, perhaps our doctor a psychologist. He is. Don't worry about hi. It's just an alcoholic opinion. He is, though. We talkedabout, you know, and what I've heard, what I used to doand what I always used to do, as I always used to say.You know, I hear people say this is how I did the fifth step. I talked to Joe, I talked to Charlie, I talked to JI talked to another human being. You know, I did all they talkedabout. WHO THEY TALK to? Okay, and you know, here's the interestingthing. The entire book is about doing your relationship with God. Seeto what your relationship with God is right. See do we your relationship with Godis right. The whole thing is about your relationship with God. That'swhere the power comes from. There is no man or woman or person canreally view of this alcoholism. Only God couldn't. What if he was sawit? Only God couldn't. What if he was saw it? And Yeah, I'm bit fits that. And it says admitted to God, to ourselvesin the other human being, the exact names of our wrongs. And everybodytalks about the fifth Sep wants to talk about the other human being and nobodywants to talk about God. When the number one althose three people, God, myself, another humanine. The number one deal is admitting to God yourfaults. And the first person they talked about is God, and the mostimportant one is God. And the hope is is that if you admit toanother humandine, you'll be an out of your mouth, you'll be admit toyourself and you'll also be able to come clean with God. But nobody wantsto talk about the God part because we...

...have a practice against God and alcoholicsanonymous, when that's the real deal. They missed the whole point of thefifth step of alcoholics anonymous. But they didn't miss it, I think,back in one thousand nine hundred and thirty five or thirty six or thirty seven. So I'm going to close this off by reading a couple things just forlaughs and Giggles, just just hell of it, because I got nothing.You know better than to do. This is from Dr Bottom, good oldtimes. You might want to pick up this book for those of you thinkthat you're working the Probo AB alcoholics anonymous. I like to do this just toupset people. So it's not my parent again. This is what wasgoing on. You know, every mean you go to they say, really, I've seen for the fails certainly fought our path. This is what theywere doing when they wrote this. Really, when they wrote really, I've seena person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. This is what theywere doing, this is what they're doing. You would best to be advised whenyou hear that over and over again, listen to what they were doing,we're actually doing when they wrote that. So you're not confused. And itsays the following is on page one hundred of our conference approved material.On the other hand, we were taking them upstairs and giving that, gettingthem on their knees to surrender, which I felt was a very important part. The surrender was more than important. It was a must. Bobby,who came into a and February of nineteen than seventy, called that after fiveand six days in the hospital, when you had indicated that you were serious, they told you to get down on your knees by the bed and saya prayer to God, admitting you were powerless over alcohol and your life isunmanageable. Furthermore, you had to state that you believe in the higher powerwho would return you to sanity. There you can see the beginning of thetwelve steps. We call that the surrender. How about this? They demanded it. They demanded it you you couldn't go to a meeting until you didit. If, by accident, you didn't make it in the hospital,you had to make it in the upstairs bedroom over the WHIMSID's house. Dorothyhas them recalled the nineteen thirty seven meetings, when the men would all disappear upstairsand all of us women would be nervous and worried about what was goingon. After a half an hour so, down would come to new man shaking, White, serious and Grimm, and all the people who are alreadyin a would come trooping down after them. They were pretty relocked into talk aboutwhat had happened, but after a while they would tell us they hada real surrender. I often wonder how many people that come in now wouldsurvive and experience like that. The people wrote that book, the founders,you know who said? This is founders day, isn't it? All youguys would say. Man, if I was only sponsored by Bill Wilson orDr Bob, you know Dr Bobbin said, if you're an Eighthist, and I'veknock about some sort of intellectual pride that keeps from this book, Ifeel sorry for you because you have ree follow when that you let me letyou down. I feel sorry for you. If I was only sponsored by DrBob and Bill Wilson, if I, you know, I finally had themdead, I'd be okay, Bullshit. You'd be running out the door theybegan, your ass down on your knees. Those people that came in, they knew exactly what was going on. There was nothing in there about youscare away the newcomer. Here's the deal. The last thing I'm goingto read is this. I can find. This is Dr Bob Twelve stepping Clarenceto brew master. Let me read this to this is how Dr BobTwelve Step People Doc Smith. Now Clarence is like thirty five years old.He weighs like a hundred thirty five pounds. He's a drunk. He can't stopdrinking. He's in the hospital, hospitalized. So Clarence Dr Bob Walksin to see him. Doc Smith came...

...in later and took over. Hesat on the edge of my bed and said, well, what do youthink of all this? Then he paused and looked at me. Down forit. I don't know if you're ready yet. You're kind of young.I was down to a hundred thirty five pounds, no job, no clothesand no money. I didn't know how much more ready I could be.Recalled Clarence. Still I had to convince them I was ready. I wantto listen. Is Still I had to convince them I was ready. StillI had to convinced. We sit here trying to beg people not to drink, worried about what they might go out the door. Convince them there.You understand that they're ready. You know, when I came in, they sayto me, hey, why don't you just go out and have adrink? Don't you get the fuck out of here and have a train?I don't I hear your bullshit. I don't know. I guess we're arewe kinder and soft? I don't know whether it's good or that. I'mjust telling you what they did. It says still I had to convince themI was ready. Then he said, first question from Dr Bob's Lips.Do you believe in God, Young Fella? He always called me young fellow.When he called me Clarence, I knew I was in trouble. ThenClarence says, Clarence says this. What does that have to do with it? Dr Bob says everything, everything. I guess he wasn't worried about scaringaway the newcomer. I guess. I do guess nothing. Either you door you don't. Yes, I do, that's fine, Bob replied. Nowwe're getting someplace. All Right, get out of the bed and onyour knees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray.I guess you don't, but that's all righteous follow what I say and thatwill do for now. I did what I was ordered to do. Clarencesaid there were no suggestions. Dr Bob was always positive about his faith.Clarence said, if someone asked him a question about the program, is usuallyresponsible was what is it saying the good book? Suppose he was asked,what is this? First things first. Their guys ever see signs of roomcalled first things first, you ever know what they were that came from?So next time you see it, let me tell you where it came from. Dr Bob be ready with an appropriate quotation. Seeking first to Kingdom ofGod and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added. Unto youright now. So I'll tell you what. Next time you decide that you reallywant to work the program recovery, you really want to work this thingseriously instead of a bullshit way or a light or any of the other stuffthat's going around that they're teaching and treatment centers where they're teaching, you know, devoid of God, a form of Real Lichen without power, a formof religion without power. Next time you want to try and you want todecide that you're going to you're going to take the fifth step in the sixsteps seriously and you're going to separate yourself and men and the boys. Youthink about what this program is all about and what they were actually doing,according to literature, in nineteen thirty five through nineteen thirty nine. And sonext time you hear all this stuff in the big book, you don't filterthrough what some guys telling you in the back of the room. We sayingdon't scare with the newcomer. You think about what they were actually doing inthis program because I'm going to tell you something. There are setup, thereare there are other programs today and alcoholics anonymous that have nothing to do withoutcoholicsanonymous as nothing to do withoutcoholics anonyms, and people are suffering because of it. And because of that, people with ten years of drinking and people arefifteen and twenty years of drinking and people are three months of drinking. Youknow why? Because because we have a new AA now and the new wayis now and not, instead of guiding people and let him know what ais all about, it's let him flounder around and drink and drug for twentyto thirty years until they figure it out. If they don't die. Now youdon't believe me. Don't believe me as you can say, well,that's his opinion. Read the books.

There's nothing I said here that isn'tright out of the book. Alcoholics anonymous, right out of these books. Tothree the books. You know, of course you're an alcoholic. Youmight read something like I said. You know, han't say it confuses you. You know, read the Black and white in the books and what itsays. So thank you very much.

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