AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 4 at the 12 Step House 6/3/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 4 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 6/3/2021 

My name is ruffle spats. I'm an alcoholic rock. I'm a member of the southeast group and I haven't done that share of drinks in January. Twenty three thousand nine hundred and eighty one. It's good to see you. I have a lot of friends on zoom. I don't think you guys could see him, but they're all there and I want to thank all of them for showing up. Met People from all of the world on this thing and I want to I have some I know a lot of people here, a lot of friends, and so great to see you. And I see Daya and David here and Cindy here and came down from New Jersey. I was was a flight forty two. Not much of a sacrifice really. You know what I mean? Seriously, you know I mean cost me that much in gas to get up here from Miami. And but okay, it's a good thing, okay. And and Jay from the men on track group. Where's where's Ja? Where is he then? On track? I was with today, the great, one of the greatest, Men's meeting every day at noon. You know, they give out the chips. The other day was this. They said, okay, we're going to start we got four solivrants. The first one has twenty six years. You got the picture, you know. Then there was like thirty seven and then there was like forty two and then fifty one, you know, and these guys, you know, just the old guys like me and this we got newcomers. We love new top comm comers coming there and it's just a great group. We got a bad anywhere between seventy and ninety or a hundred guys and and and you know what I love about this group? Because they're my age and little bit older. And you know, when I came in there used to say things like hey, I don't get my spons to me, I can consider you soverei until you have ten years. So I was hey, and five years your head comes out of ass, you know what I mean? And this group guys say, I didn't realize what this thing is all Abou until I had twenty five years. It's an incredible which is something I've been telling people for years, you know, as somebody complains, yeah, yeah, that would go way in twenty years somewhere about and they sort of Giggle at me in so it's good to be here and I we're going to be doing something with the fourth step. Maybe I'm not promising anything, not at these prices. So last week we had the birthday. Now I spoke frombout twenty minutes and and it was it was recorded. If for those who want to listen to it, it's recorded. And and try twenty minutes to talk. We thought was going to do the four step. I can do the fourth step twenty I tried to do it in twenty minutes and tried to do the fourth step and sixth step and the eleventh step and some I don't know. I did the deal and when I when I finished, I asked some guys said I say anybout? The old says, Oh, yeah, it was all about the fourth step. And then some I said no, no, no, it's all about the sixth step. That's nice. Is Home and that was the great sky. I got a call from covering the years as man. That was the greatest meeting on relapse. So I try to name these things. So I made that. I said I needed the name of it. On the emails. If you get my emails, it says introduction to the fourth step, Prencis or six step or relapse close front sis you'll figure it out. Okay. So I I have limited control over what I say, trust me, limited control of what I say, no control over what you're hearing. Okay. So if we got a we got seventy eighty people in this room, we got seventy eighty different, you know, talks going on. Who knows what? People are here and they're hearing what the Lord wants them to hear. That's what I figure and and if people don't want to be here, maybe they won't hear anything. I have the story I tell. It's the true story. I called chicken on the roof. Some of you heard it to try to get this point across before I died. Right into some step or something, and this probably has something to do with the twelve step. I think it does. Words it the fourth step. For the third step, when I was about three or four. I've been doing these steps series for thirty five years. So when I was when I was about when I was just starting out, I did it at the place called the homestead group and and I went to the meeting one day. It was like an thirty meeting like this. There's maybe about fifty people in the room and I did a meeting on the third step. I did a step, mean on...

...third step, and it was clear to me before the meeting was over. I spoke from about forty minutes or something, and I clear to me when me was over, that I had just done the worst met in the history of mankind of alcoholics anonymous. On the third step. I mean was clear. I mean nobody was know, like a this is group, everyone's while you're like laughing at me or with me or something like that. It's like it's like looking at an oil painting. Nobody was laughing, nobody found me funny, nobody found the INN it was the worst meeting in the history of alcoholics anonymous. And so I left me. I'm driving my car and I'm doing the thing we doing. Aa. You know that I talked about and I don't give a shit what other people think about my ball thinking. Is that one of what they think? And what are they saying? I know they're calling up their friends. Have you ever heard this Guy Russell? He is the worst speaker in the world. You know, I just going crazy and I say to myself I'm not going back there. I'm not going back because I'm an alcoholic and I supt from alcoholism, which is a form of insanity. It doesn't matter what we went to, I'm not going to talk about the insane thing. Maybe once in a while or something, I'll throw it in and hopefully you guys figure that out in the last three or four weeks. But you know, I have a disease, sensors of my mind, not my body, and drinking is a symptom of my disease. I drink in a someresceterial into discontent and freaking crazy. Lesson, lesson, until I can take a drink of alcohol because it does something for me. So so I'm crazy, not because I'm drinking. I'm crazy sober. I drink out. I'm an alcohol because no woman in a car, no amount of money, every work quite as well or quite as fast. It's just a few drinks. And quite frankly, women work, but they don't work as good as Scotch, because it works fast and it doesn't talk back to you and never says it never says no, you're a piece of shit, I can't stand you or anything like that. Doesn't divorce you. You know what I mean. It's I mean alcohol is just great. You know, it's just you know I'm you know, let me tell you, when you know you're in trouble, an alcoholic, when your whole life, uphop, a lot life, is being a lounge lizard, chasing after women in bars because you want what they have and you want to go to any length to get it, and you find yourself, you drinking buddy and he's drinking a car bar and it's three o'clock in the morning and is some goodlooking gals here. I mean, I don't know, with a goodlook and there's gals are at three o'clock in the morning and I'm drawn. So they're good enough for me, okay, but the bottom line is, and you're there, you sit with your buddy and you think about making a move, but it's just too much of a hassle. You know what I mean. You'd rather just sit there and drink. I'll tell you what, the booze looks better than the women. Okay, then you know it's over. It's over, put a fork in it. Time to go to alcoholics anonymous immediately, unbelievable, and sitting home and listen to the radio only the lonely and stuff like that, craft and everything. So in even so, I was doing these, I was doing these meetings, step near meetings, and I was doing this and and I just finished doing the worst meeting the history of alcohol. So I'm so since I'm insane. Part of the insanity of being an alcoholic is you you lie, you cheat, you make excuses and you ractionalize, you tell yourself for actual line. So they didn't like me. That was the worst missed meeting in that history mankind. I immediately go to an excuse why I can't. I'm not going to go back there on the grass where they think about me and all that sort of stuff, which I can. I can do that drunk and I can do that. So I can do I can. I can let people down drunk, I can let beat down people sober. It doesn't matter. It's just a little tool I have if I don't want to do something. I just told my mother died or something whatever. But I knew up to that point, because I had enough a training, that if I, if you know, my sponse said, whenever you make an excuse for not going to a meeting or you turned out a you probably thinking you're going to drink again. So I didn't want to drink one of the great things that help me here is the desire. I, more than anything, I didn't want to drink. You know, all you had to do was say to me, you see that blond over their rust that you're looking at? For you, that's a bottle of Scotch with legs. As...

...soon as you link that blond up to the drink, I forgot about the blond. I mean, I can't explain it to you. The fear of the drink save my ass a bunch of times from the things that from the worldly clamors that took Bill Wilson out and what to taken me out, the constantly put in front of me. You know, the money things going to take you out, the woman thing's going to take you out, you know, all these things going to take you out. Saved me many, many, many times, you know, and it took a long period of time. It's not like it happens like that. You know what it it's not like the booze. We're also ide wake up and I'm not drinking. How that happened? It's a miracle. So, in anyvts I, even though I said to myself I'm not going back again, immediately knew that I was going back this. I know if I can go back that. Was this honest that you sting people down and I would dre and I feel guilty, I would drink. I was I was gonna go back. So I have to do in the worst meeting in the history of alcoholics, anonymous, one of the incredible things that happens in AA. We were talking about it today in the men's meeting, about the idea of pain. You know how they say pained is the touchstone of spiritual growth. It even says we learned the value of suffer how about do you like this? This is a line out of this one. Totally gonna get to Shit Up. We learned the value of suffering. Try to tell that to a guy with five days who's broken, living on the streets. Hey, you're learning the value of suffering. Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth. Try to tell that to a Goud is about ready to go to jam, you know what I mean, or it's white, kick them out with his kids or whatever hell it is. Tell him that he's just learning the value of suffering. You know, see, you know. So what I needed the first five years is I needed encouragement, I needed men who said to me, listen, I don't care if you screwed up the entire day, Russell, if you don't have a drink, you're a success. You're hear your sige of man. I need to hear that kind of stuff. I need to hear the love. I need to hear you know, Russell, you're exactly where you're supposed to be. You're doing great. You know I mean. I needed to hear that stuff down a few years down the road, then they start hitting me with what I call loving sarcasm. I was reading for loving sarcasm that I was ready to call my sponsor on the phone and say I'm out here in the middle of yours when I just got a flat and I can't believe it, you know, and he'd say you have a car. I can't believe my boss such an asshole. You know he was. I'm tring about by. I can't easy. You have a job, Mike my I. You know, I can't believe it. You know that by my house is the toilet of woman. I got to get a plumber to Coutro Nice. You have a house, you know. I stopped calling the son of a bitch. You know what I mean, why call him? I nuity had even today, I can't, I can't work up a good feeling sorry for myself because I'm PTIL. I'm a self BIDEO holic, because everybody start feeling about sorry about myself. It's only because it's because I don't have this. I don't. And I hear you have a car, you have a house. You know, I can't believe I have to go to doctor. You have insurance. My God, it's a terro it's horrible. So so an event. So I went back to the meeting and, you know, I got myself confused. I went back to the meeting and the next week, after doing the worst meeting in the history of alcoholics, anonymous. Luckily that meeting wasn't tape and I saw I'm sitting there and here's the amazing thing that you learn about this idea of pain and learning the value of suffering. You know, when you're going through pain and you're going through suffering and you're going through a horrible situation at three o'clock the morning and you think your life is over and you worried about what's going to happen to you and where you going to be, and you're worried about being lonely and not having this and not having that and all the shit we worry about eighteen million times. And the more we think about it. What's our cure for that? Are Curious to think about it more. Just think about it more. Just walk your something in closet and think about your life and what it all means. You know what I mean. Make sure you have your revolver right there. You know what I...

...mean. I just think about shit. No, and you can't stop because you're you know, I'm palace over alcohol. You know I'm palace over gossip. I'm paralas over feeling sorry for myself. I'm powerless overthinking bad shit about myself and other people. I'm so powerless against so many other things. The alcohol looms so big that I don't realize all the other crazy shit. I'm palace over. I stopped drinking the alcohol and all of a sudden I'm crazy and I'm saying what's going on like this, says man, you were like this when we're thirteen. You were like this before the drink, during the drink and even after the drink. And now you're experience the real disease and so I'm sitting there, but I'm I go back to this meeting and yes, at the homestead group, and I before I started the group that, you know, the worst meeting, and somehow they showed up again, who knows why, and see the train wreck and I'm sitting there acting like I don't know, I'm a failure, and some guy walks up to me and he walks something. He says, can I talk to you before you startling? I said sure, and he tells me his name. I said, so, what can I do? He says, well, listen, I'm pretty new. I've only got about, you know, sixty days. He says, I just want to tell you the meeting you did last night, last week. You saved my life and I'm looking I'm saying I saved your life. He said Yeah, he said, you know, my wife has left me. She took my kids. I'm all along. I only have sixty days and I was actually leaving the house. I was going to go drink and I thought occuraged to me to go to the homestead group and maybe I would hear something, maybe that would help me. And you didn't see me because I was sitting in the back of the room. But I got to tell you something. When you said the chicken was on the roof, the entire program came together for me and I said, and now now, I had never said the chicken was on the roof. I knew it. He I took credit for it anyway. But I mean, I I knew what he was talking about. This there was some poultry there and I knew what he was I had said he got it all wrong. I said the Turkey was in the basement. I said, I'm completely different. Okay, but there was like it was like poultry involved. You know, is that something with thatther's? I don't know was talking about, but I saw that's great. Took another road, to another road and he went. I sat down and and so on the way back. As I was driving back, I did the meeting, probably the second worst meeting the history, and and I realize something. I realized that that I was at this meeting, I realized the difference between carrying the message and trying to categorize. See, I thought what the twelve step was. You See, I told you was going to get four stuff. I left. I thought, thought the twelve step was that we carry the message. That's what I thought it was you. Don't you think that's what it is? That's not the twelve step. Twelve steps not about carrying the message. You know, if the twelve step is about to carry the message that if anybody drinks to night have this meeting, it's my fault. Yeah, I'm to blame, you know. You know, because what you hear and what your success depends upon me and what I said. And I think what it says in twelve step is we try to carry the message, which means I do the best job I can with what I've got going for myself on any particular tonight. So this will probably the worst four step meeting in the history of mankind other than the one I did in homestead, you know what I mean. But it's going to be the best one I can do to night, and I'll tell you how God honors that I'm sitting there trying the best I can to do the fourth step and to talk to this group and showing up, you know, because that's my obligation. And there's some poor guy in the back of the room who thinks his life is over, it's never going to get better again, and he's thinking about drink and he's listening to me and he wants to hear something. He's begging, he's trying to hear something that I'll stop him from drinking,...

...and I I say Turkey in the basement and it floats across the room and it goes in the sky's ear and God knows exactly what this guy needs in order to be sober. And he hears shitten on the roof and the entire program comes together for him and I get the credit. So I never worry about what you think about what I'm saying or how I'm saying or whatever it is, because you're going to hear whatever you're supposed to hear and if you don't want to hear anything, you're not going to hear anything. You know, and some people it's going to be the second step, some people going to say it's the twelve step, some people say it's so fourth of the fifth step, of the sixth step, or whatever it is. What is in matter? Now, looking back after forty years sobriety and after cut, after going through pain and suffering and humiliation over and over again and hating it and it, feeling it horrible, and run around like a Chin with my head chopped off and begging God to help me and asking for help and feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing and being scared and not at wanting people to know it, going through all the bullshit and then somehow, some way, over a thousand days and a thousand nights, somehow, when I know I'm going to die and it's gonna be terrible, I get to the other end of that and I don't drink and miraculously the whole thing ends up perfectly in such a way. So I know it is in me. It's God. Like my spots used to say, nine out of ten things that you're going to worry about aren't even going to happen. To the TEP thing that happens is going to happen differently than you think it is. And have to go and through that a thousand after going to my meetings early on and saying you wouldn't believe what happened. You know, I thought I was going to be fired and they gave me a race. You wouldn't believe what happened. I thought they hated me and they told me they loved me. You wouldn't believe what happened. I thought I was gonna, you know, do this or do that, and a miracle happen, after eat, after a thousand times, saying there really is a God, this thing really does work, this is unbelievable. Until next Tuesday when I'm worried again, after God lifts me up and saves me a thousand times, and a thousand times I say, man, this thing really works, there really aren't miracles, prayer really works. And then two days ago by and I say, Oh man, I'm going to die. It's going to be terrible again, like the guys in the boat with Jesus. You know what I mean, how we're gonna die. You know. So after forty years, thirty years, twenty years of being saved, I came to a clusion, conclusion that if I made a decision for God also, some remarkable things happen, you know, powerfully give me everything, and I needed by stay close to reform. I works well, is works well. You know, I come to the conclusion that I'm on a spiritual basis, that God has becomes the central fact of my life, that he lives in my heart and mind in a way which is a deep miraculous that he's doing for me what I can't do for myself, and I become rocket in the fourth mansion existence. And why is that? Because I finally, after thirty years, twenty years, however long it tastes, believe. I don't sort of believe, I don't kind of believe with doubt, I believe. And even then, every once in a while I get into a little fear, but it's like nothing depend the way it used to be, because as soon as I get in fear, I say Lord, I know even help me out with this. All things work for good for those who help the Lord. And I start reading the big book like it's the real deal, like it's really serious. You know that that what they're saying is true, you know that that what they're saying to you real realize, has to be on God. This God thing is important, is all powerful to give you everything you need. There's one who has all power. That one is God. I start reading the chapter agnostics for what it says. This sort of thinking has to be abandoned. You know, the whole book, the entire book, is about God. I start seeing think bibles and said, the Lord has been so one for me, cure...

...me this terrible disease that I got to keep talking about and telling other people. And and I hear Bob Dotson say that was the whole thing with Bill Wilson. That was the release, that was what they had. You know, the bottom lines. They gave all credit to God and they believe this stuff. They believe this stuff. They encourage church membership because they believe that stuff. They believe there's all about God. And then I start seeing this whole big book with all the stuff in it, all the tools, all the what's that five step? Everything was all about getting to the eleventh step, or the sixth step really, where you're so believed in God that you will get rid of anything that stands in the way. You're growing in the image and likeness of your Creator and you're humbly asking him to change you, you know, and the women and all the other stuff in the man and whatever, it's all out of the picture because it's all about him. And then you finally get to the eleventh step where it says, I don't care where you are, forty years, fifty years, twenty years, improve your conscious contact with him. So you're thinking about him all the time. And I stopped living a changed over and stop living a life where I keep on turning it over to him. I start living a termed over life where I go to meetings and no matter what step I'm on, I'm going to spend fifteen minutes talking about God because, because the Lord's been so wonderful me, journey of this doubles thease thing I keep talking about and telling other people because I'm so grateful to him, because I realized you could do the steps up your ass. You're going to drink and it's going to be nothing if hill you. Unless you get the point of the book, seated with your relationship with him, is right and great events will come to have hume tells others. Until you get unless you get the point of the book, which says it's over and over and over again, God either is or he isn't. What's your decision going to be? There is no middle of the road solution. It's not like I think there's a god, or maybe there's a god where. I don't know whether I like to God thing, but I'll say it's not about us saying the Lord's pay. It's about getting to the point where you're convinced, and I got to tell you something may take twenty five years to get that point. You may have to go through a lot of shits go to get to that point. Because I want to tell someone you're scared and your three months ober and your five months ober and your year sober and you think your life is over and some guy says you're going to learner the value of suffrage. You don't want to hear that Shit, but if you've gone through it a the zillion times, you start to every time you go through it and come out of it it's just one more little underlying belief thing that you believe stuff and all of a sudden the words have meaning, that it's not just the theory, it's a way of life which the man's workers honestly, all of a sudden the words have meaning when they say in the book, above everything, we must get rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us. And we aren't at first we don't even know what it is, we don't even think we're selfish, we don't even understand the insanity of selfishness. But it says we have it and that's the disease and the only way to get rid of it is God makes that possible and not just hey, God, go ahead and do it. And then it goes like that. I mean the serious belief in God before anything and all of a sudden, and then we start believing that the insanity, the true insanity, is selfishness and the fear of delusion go away to the exact extent that you believe in God. And so there you go. You see fifteen minutes on the third step. I think it was the third step, for it wasn't the twelve step, I don't know. So let's go to the four stem. So I want to talk about so one of the things they say is our problem is delusion. It says selfish and self sending US dream by hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, selfdelute delusion means part of your insanity. Is An alcoholic is you have no idea what the fuck's going on. Here's the real problem. You have no idea what the fuck's going on, but you think you do. You got to read between lines. When they say your self should self centered and you driven a hundred forms of fear, and when they say you made decisions based on self and they say all that...

...stuff about you and yourself over right. And then they say after that, and this is after you stop drinking, they say. What do they say? An alcoholic usually doesn't think. So what he's trying to say is you're a freaking crazy and you don't even understand when they say things, and alcohol can't recognize the truth from the false. To him, is alcoholic life, the life of an alcohol which has more to do than just drinking, has to do with who you hang around with, your thoughts. You know what it says. It says half measures of El US nothing. We must get rid of our old ideas. Results as no until your old ideas, your old thinking patterns. How do you think? How you feel? The blaming? I'm a victim, you know. You know. We're saying get off the cross, we need the wood, and you're saying you don't understand what's happening. Yet your old thinking. The bottom line is, the problem is is my thinking is delusion. I don't Innis what's true and what's false. And you, when you live in a make believe let me tell you something. I'm perfectly normal, perfectly normal, but not on this planet. You understand now, you know whether you know don what I'm talking about. There's a planet somewhere in the Galaxy, Planet Russell, where I'd be perfectly normal. I wouldn't even have to go to meetings spe Lana as a planet. It's planets at Luana. You know what I mean. You have a planet. There's a possibility we all actually come from the same planet, as a possibility that we've all been dropped here and somehow, for whatever reason, maybe they haven't more of the planet than not coming back to pick us up. You know what I mean? We understand us. They just don't understand that. That's the deal, you know. So let me talk to you about I'm not going to tell you how to do the fourth step, because I'm going to give you a little shocking surprise here. I'm going to help you out. I'm going to tell you about the four step you gonna be able to do in the five set. Here's the deal, because I went for like three months not knowing how to do the fourth PhD. You know J jures doctorate, you know graduate department, launders in Mathmatics, everything. I had no idea how to do the fourth step. And when I finally got to the point where I got sick and tired being sick and tired, I opened the book. Listen, you're going to find this hard to believe. There's a chart in the book from mental midgets. You understand. Stupid of people know how to do this. Brilliant people, which I include all in you, because I could tell how smart you are, are baffled. You know, it says I resent. Now we're the ones. You say I don't resent anybody, and then, by the time you get around to Magulas up, I hate my mother, I hate my brother, I hate you know, what's the big deal? You put down everybody you hate, which is everybody, okay. Why do you hate them? Because they're assholes, you know. You put it down. What is this effect? It even tells you write that it affects my security everything. Then it says this we got. Then it goes to a whole bunch. They tells you how to do it in the book. I don't have to sit here and repeat the book to You. You can go to your sponse, you can read the book, you can do the fourth step. You can do it in two hours. You don't have to take sixteen weeks. Do the best fourth step you you can do. You know what I mean. You know I did a fourth step. It took me. I finally want I finally got around to doing it. It took me two and a half hours and apparently it worked end and I think I'll two a month months later I wrote down some more stuff that I left out and that taught me how to do an inventory. So then I'd start doing ten steps everyone of someone and stuff like that. I mean, I mean apparently that two and a half hour fourth step work because I'm still here, you know. But the bottom line is it so we don't. But here's the deal. The court. The real problem with alcoholics is the question why should I do the fourth step? Because there's one thing I know about alcoholics. You give them motivation. Don't figure out how to do it. You know, when I saw that redhead on the other side of the bar, nobody had to draw me a fucking at. I didn't have to tax the Sheldon on the shoulder to say, you know, what do you think? How do you what do you how do you think? You know what I mean. It was like, can I buy you a drink? You know, it's like I was there. I never...

...problems walking over. Well, I did, but a couple of shots of Scotch will fix that up right away. You know what I mean. You know and you so I didn't, so I don't have to. You know. The only thing as I need is I need motivation. You understand, if the fourth step was a redhead, I would have done it the first day. Okay, so that's the deal. I mean. So let me give you some motivation, I mean if only earn a yes butter. Let me take you between the fourth step and not doing the fourth step. Now, of course, they say one of the reasons as you might drink. Forget about the drink of thing. Let's talk about not being an asshole. Now, if you're a guy, I don't give a shit. You are an asshole and you want to be an Asshon, you want to be a son of a bitch and you want to hurt people, I can't help them. But if you want to be decent human being and you want to grow up and become a man, I might be able to tell you something. It's about my life. So I'm in, if only in the yes butter I wake up everyone and says, man, if I only had that Gallophy, only had that car, if I only had a new wife, if I only had more money, if I only had a better job, if I only had this, so I only had that, and I run around either feeling sorry for myself or not getting it or being depressed because I'm never going to get it. or I would move heaven and earth and lie, cheating, steal and find the get it, and then after I get I'd sit there with it. It would be great for like a month and I'd say man, I finally had a newer car. If I'd live my entire life that way, and that's the way I live my life, and I can give you. We don't have time. You only fifty. I can give you fifteen stories of if onladers and guess butters and all this times I did that. I spend more money, I don't have to buy things I didn't need to impress people I didn't like. I am a guy who would do anything to live the life I'll want to live and look for pleasure and all that sort of stuff. But I'm going to talk about one thing. When I I was in a college class and guy walked in and then she was a looker, had legs up to hear and she was on the chair. She was at college cheerleading thing and all sort of stuff, and he was gorgeous and I said, man, if I can have that gowns, if I can marry that gall everything be okay. And she was a father was a doctor, mother was a lawyer and I met her and I, you know, I did. I weaseled my way, I insinuated myself into their lives and charmed her. And you know, did you know alcoholics? Alcoholics can actually be charming. You know, we can win that. We'd come. I'm to become whatever I'm going to become to get where I have to go. You know what I mean. Be Whatever I can be, you know, like the army. Be What you can be, okay, and the everything you can be. And and I got them to like me and I like them and I liked her. And and it's Matthi even switch. I was going to be a math professor. I'd worked all my life to be a math professor and graduate department a Honist, and I decide, you know, maybe I should be a lawyer or doctor, because our father was a doctor and mother was a lawyer. Grandfather was a lawyer, as I should be a lawyer, you know. So I applied to law school, became a lawyer. People asked to wipe him a lawyer and I would say, well, I like Perry man. I'm a lawyer to get late, go to read. Hey, yeah, you guys are laughing. You don't know what it's like. You know, I'm not you girls, because I know you're different than us, but I'm looking at a bunch of guys that doesn't anything to get late. You know what I mean. It's you know, that's the deal. I know. You guys say used to see you in the bars. You know, that was your deal. And or get a woman or get a romance or get something going on. You know what I mean. That's the life I lived because I was the most important thing to me and I finally got this guy. We got married and I started working. I you know, you know how alcoholics are. Will this alcoholic, you can put on a real good front. You know what I mean. I graduated lawyer, lawyer school. I was a lawyer. You know, I looked at that time. I could drink and I'd always drink to get drunk or to get hot. But you know, I and I married her and everything was wonderful for the first I don't know we had a child, beautiful child, had a beautiful house on my ham beach, on the grorst country club, golf course, Walton Road and everything like that.

Had everything going for me, the Vision Chief of the state's Attorney's office, and everything was great for about, I don't know, six months, seven months, eight months, and not of Buns. What does a car, a new car, become a used car? When would you say? Two years, not to say. I'd say two years, one day. One does the car you're driving, you say. When do you say to yourself, I got to get another car, because you are what your car is, you are what your shoes are, you are what your clothes are, you are what your weight is, because vanity, vanity. All is vanity. That's in ecclesiast these when you get to the point where you you feel like you need something, you need a new haircut because you're not feeling good about yourself. You need a new blouse girls, because you're not you know you need to you know you get, need to get a noose. Job Gets a boats. You need to get you need to get that because you're basically a piece of shit. One day you're in the shower and said such an Asshole, how to kill myself when you well, somewhere along the line, I don't know, I'm not put a day on and I decided that I was tired of my wife. Now, I didn't say I'm tired of my wife because I wasn't bright enough, because, if you remember my alcohol Com Delutional, I was just not happy. And the reason I was not happy because I was going to the bar every day after work and watching the girls on the dance floor and I was watching these girls that I had never had any relationships with and were beautiful. You know all the my wife is still bold beautiful. They were beautiful. And I started saying to myself this, you're ready. If own, if only I wasn't married, if only I could have one of those girls, if only I could be single again, because they did to get married kind of young. Now I know he was. I know they probably said somewhere in the marriage ceremony, because I know they say this. I don't remember for sure. I can't be blamed, something about to love an honor. But does it say till death do US part? I don't know why I didn't hear that, sty I mean because there was going to be a big party afterwards at West few country club, and I was thinking about the party, you know, and I didn't really realized it wasn't fair because I realized I was young. I didn't realize what has signed on for, you know what I mean. And saw I started looking at these gals and everything like that, and well, you know the story is. Well, you know what the story is. I'm going to go to but but let me tell you why I so. The story is my wife told me one day, after five years of marriage, you come home drunk. Were time, I'm leaving you. And and I came home drunk that night and she hit me out of the house and I walked out. I said, I'm free, you see, I'd have the gusts to tell her and her parents I wanted to go out and date of the women. I want to do all that. I said, I'm free, I'm free to go to the Bar, I'm free to date those women. I was never free not to do that. I was just fixing. I just didn't have the guts to do it on my own. I had to get to the one which she kicked me out and then I had an excuse. It was my fault. She Kid me. Yeah, and then she called me up about a month later and said look, rather than get a divorce, I think used to go to an APP marriage councilor and I said yes, out of guilt because when I you know, I got to make believe I'm trying or something. Yet I go to the marriage counselor and he says, Ronnie, how do you want to what do you want to change about Russell? And I wasn't even listening because I'm thinking about date I have that night and they get me back in this cage. I'm not being able to go out and everything like that. I think she mentioned some about drinking or coming out for dinner or something like that, and and they turned to me says, what do you want to change about Ronnie? I said I just want to date of the women, and I was a sober when I said that to him in front of her, the mother of my child, as I am right now, as physically sober as I am right now, and that's what I said to can you even imagine what she was thinking when I said that? Can you imagine the pain, the embarrassment, in the shame? I wasn't ashamed at all. It came out like I didn't think anything else. You know what I started done? Thinking about it. Started thinking about it years after I got sober, years after I gets. I would do anything to take that back. You know, I've done all sorts of amends when I xy and all that sort of stuff. You wanted to...

...something. Anybody tells you that. Once you do those of men, she never thinking get you like done and it's over and you're not. You're not. You don't feel ashamedful what you did. I'll tell you what. That's not the kind of alcoholism I have. I have the out kind of alcoholism where I think about that and it tells me where I could be and where I wanted, where I could be if I started drinking again. Who I really am. I'm not the Nice Guy Thing. I'm one peovil son of a bitch, you know what I mean? That's who I am. But let me tell you what the real story is. The real story isn't even that. Here's the here's the deal with the fourth step, when she divorced me and we got divorced and I paid my child support and I did that and all that stuff. If somebody asked me what happened. If somebody asked me what happened with your marriage, this is what I told them. You know, we got married Connie Young. We really weren't didn't know what we were doing because we're very young, and she used to nagged me a lot about, you know, coming home laid or stuff like that, and we used to go out and party and we used to have a lot of funds and she stopped wanting to do that and she started started criticize me for being with my friends and stuff like that and all that sort of stuff, and she was hypercritical and we were obviously people that were growing in different directions and my wife didn't quote understand me and she didn't appreciate me. You understand what I'm saying. And so she kicked me out of the House finally and divorced me. And if you ask me what my story was about why I got divorced, that's what I would tell you. And let me tell you something else. I believe that Shit. I believed it to my heart, in my heart that I was a good guy and a good world and just a victim and she was just like overreacting. I believe that stuff. And here's what happened. She was a decent gown, she married a guy, she gave a promise that she stuck to, she was a good mother, she was a good wife, and I was a sex crazed asshole who didn't give a shit about vals or marriage and all I cared about myself and I didn't give a crap about anybody sept myself, and I was gutless and I didn't have courage. I didn't have the courage to leave the marriage, so I just made her life's miserable. Came in home at three o'clock the morning, constantly missing dinner until she kicked me out, and then I treated I treated her like crap. Now that's the real story, you know. That's the true story. I spent ten years or so living, or maybe six years or so living, with the first story with I've living with the story that it was her fault, I was not to blame. I lived in that story. I believe that story. I'm sober and I've done my four step. I've been alive to twenty. I let me tell you something. I live in the second story now, that's right, I'm about the second story. Now let me tell you what the difference is when I'm the first story. When I was in the first story and I was powerless over not being in the first story, powerless over not being our understand a first story. I was a let me see this way. You went and wanted to know me. I would have heard you, when I was in the first start to give a crap about anybody. Set Myself. I would selfish, I was self centered. I was that, I was an ass, I was like a child and I was and you wanted someone's result of that, I drank a lot and as a result of that, I felt crappy all the time and I felt guilty and I felt in fear and I never had any decent, honest, truthful relationships where I honestly cared about other people. When I started living in the second story, everything changed. I became kind of...

...individual that would go back to a meeting even though he knew he did the worst meaning in the world and they hate them, because he felt it was his responsibility to do start. I started becoming responsible, I started becoming honest, I started becoming somebody that you could rely upon. I stopped making excuses for my behavior, I started trying to act better and when I screwed up, I'd make amends for it. I became a completely different individual and I stopped telling myself after a while. Quite frankly, that was a piece of shit and I how to kill myself because I was never going to be okay. And all of a sudden I start hearing things like, you know, you're a decent guy, muscle, you're a decent guy, and other people would thank me and say I'm a decent guy. See, I like me. Let me say something. I liked me a lot better when I believe the second story. And I hate me. Carmentager said alcoholics are men women who have to destroy themselves, and I hate my God and I want to destroy myself. With right, I will do things to destroy myself. When I'm living in the first story, you don't have a shot at getting out the first getting out of the first story, until you do the fourth and fifth steps. You don't even see that. You don't even see who you are and what's going on. You sit there and you have some idea of who you think you are and what you think you did and when you think your life is about and who you think hurt you and treated you unfairly. You understand I'm saying. You don't have a clue and you won't start feeling like a man or a woman or feeling decent and tell you somehow get into that second story. That's why you want to do the fourth step. In the fifth step you want to find that what's really going on. You don't want to live and plane at Russell, planet set Wanta, Planet Dawn, you know, planet sending. You want to live here on our planet, but and bed here, be in the world, but not all of the role. You want to live a spiritual life. A spiritual life is not a life of lies and Lyne to yourself. You with me? So I don't know. Was that the fourth step? Six of that at the twelve? That? What is that deal? You know what I mean. And well, I guess it's just checking on the roof right. God bless you. Thank you very much,.

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