AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 4 months ago

Russell S. Step 4 at the 12 Step House 6/3/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 4 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 6/3/2021 

My name is ruffles bats. I'm analcoholic Rosa, the member of the South East Group, and I have done this yeardrink since January to twere Hunne Ted Eh, one, it's good to see you. I have alot of friends on zoom. I don't think you guys can see him but they're allthere and I want to bank all them for show it up met people from all over the world. Onthis thing- and I want to- I have some- I know a lot of people here- a lot offriends and so great to see you- and I see, Daa and David here and Cindy hereand came down from New Jersey. I was was that flight? Forty two, a not much of a sacrifice! Really, youknow what I mean seriously. You know I mean fuse that much and gas to get uphere from Miami and but okay, it's a good thing. Okay and and J from the menon track group, where where's, J, where's e, then on track. I was wipingtoday the grant one of the greatest men's mad every day at noon. You knowthey give out the tipsy. Other, Hey was gonna, say said: okay, we're going tostart. We got four Salbris, the first one has twenty six years. You hat the picture. You know, then itwas like thirty seven and then there was like forty two and then fifty one.You know, and these guys you know just old guys like me, and this we got a newcovers. We love new to come comers coming there and it's just a greatgroup. We got bad anywhere between seventy and ninety or a hundred guysand and- and you know what I look about this group because they're my age and alittle bit older and you know when I came in they used tosay things like that. Hey I don't get my sponsor my! I don't consider yourSolferino. You have ten years Sundays, Ay and five years right, your headcomes out of ass. You know what I mean in this group. Guys say I didn'trealize what the things all about until I had twenty five years and it's in infront of them, which is something I've been telling people for years. You knowis in somebody can pay a yeah that would go win twenty year somewhere boutand they sort o gible at me, and so it's good to be here and we're going tobe doing something with the fourth step. Maybe I'm not promising anything not atthese prices. So last week we had to birthday N, I spoke for about twentyminutes and, and it was, it was recorded in front of those who want tolisten to it. It's recorded in and try twenty minutes to talk. We thought wewas going to do the force step. I can do for ten ten. I tried to do it intwenty minutes to try to do the fourth step and six step and the eleven staff- and someI don't know I did the deal and and when I, when I finished I asked someguys said Di Samtiden was all about the four step and then something I said: No,no. No, it was all about the sixth step. That's NA is home man. That was a great.I got a call from God, New Jerseys man that was the greatest meeting on relax. So I try to name these things, so I maythat I said I need this is the name of it on the emails and you get my Mosasintroduction to the four step. PRENCIS or six stator relapse close front seesyou'll figure it out. Okay, so I have limited control over what I say. Trustme limited control of what I say: No control over what you're hearing okay.So if we got A, we got seventy eighty people in this room we get seventy.Eighty different, you know talks going on. Who knows whatpeople are here and they're hearing what the Lord wants them to hear.That's what I figure and- and if people don't want to be here, maybethey won't do anything. I have this story. I tell it's a truestory. I called chicken on the roof. Some of Ye've heard it to try to getthis point across before I die right into some step or something- and this probably has something to dowith the twalve. I think it does where it he for ten or the third to o. When I was about three or four I'vebeen doing these step series for thirty five years, so when I was when I was about when Iwas just starting out, I did it at the place called the Homesick Group and- and I went to the the meeting one dayit was like an athirt meeting like this- has maybe that fifty people in the room-and I did a meeting on the third step.

I didn't let's tap me on third step in it- was clear to me before the meetingwas over. I spoke for about forty minutes or something, and I cleared tome when he was over, that I had just done the worst lad inthe history of mankind, of alcoholics, anonymous on the third step, a D E n.It was clear I mean nobody was you know like this, a group everyone's I likelaughing at me or witty, or something like that. It's like it was likelooking at an oil painting, nobody was laughing. Nobody found me funny. Youknow he's on the in. It was the worst meeting in the history of alcoholic andOnymus, and so I left me I'm driving my car and I'm doing the thing were doinga a you know that I talk about. I don't give Shit what other people think aboutmy balm thinking. Is that one what they think and what are they saying? I knowthey're calling up their friends. Have you ever heard this guy rose is theworst one speaker in the world. You know I just going crazy and I say tomyself: I'm not going back there, I'm not going back because I'm an alcoholicand I set from alcoholism, which is a formed insanity. It doesn't matter whatwe want to I'm not going to talk about the insane things, maybe once in awhile or something I'll throw it in, and hopefully you guys figured that outin the last three or four weeks. But you know I have had a disease senses mymind. Not My body and drinking is a symptom of like disease. I track it.Some recitera in discontent and freaking crazy, lessen a lesson it tillI can take a drink of Autpol because it does something for me. So so I'm crazy,not because I'm drinking I'm crazy, sober, I'm drink out. I'm an alcohol asno woman, no car, no amount of money, every work, quite as well, quite asfast as just a few drinks and, quite frankly, women work, but they don'twork as good as Scotch because it works fast and it doesn't talk back to youand never says it never says. No, your piece of Shit. I can't stand you oranything like that. DOESN'T DIVORCE YOU! You know what I mean. It's I meanalcohol is just great. You know it's just you know me, you know, let me tellyou when you know you're in trouble and alcoholic when your whole life up oflot life is being a lounge lizard chasing after women in bars, becauseyou won't, but they happen to want to go to any link to get it, and you findyourself, your drinking buddy and you drinking a car bar and it's threeo'clock in the morning and is some good looking gals there. I mean, I don'tknow the God. Looking there's gals there three flock in the morning andI'm drag so they're good enough for me, okay, but the bottom line is and you'rethere and you're sitting with your buddy and you think about making a move,but it's just too much of a hassle. Youknow what I mean: You'd, rather just sit there and drinkI'll. Tell you what what the booze looks better than the women okay, thenyou know it's over it's over for a pork in a time to go to alcohol, animusimmediately unbelievable. I sit home and listen tothe radio. Only the lonely and stuff like that craft and everything so anamen, so I was doing these. I was one of these mediae step there, ameeting, so I was doing this in and I just finished doing the worst leadingin the history of Atholl Sim. So since I'm insane part of the insanity of theend in Alcoholic, is you you lie, you cheat, you make excuses and yourationis you tell yourself fractional wise. So they didn't like me. That wasthe worst miss tobe meeting that history mankind. I immediately go to anexcuse why I can't I'm not going to go back there on the brass. What do theythink about me and all that sort of stuff which I can I can do that drunk?And I can do that so I can do I can I can let people down drunk? I can likedeep down people sober. It doesn't matter, it's just a little tool I have.If I don't want to do something, I just told my mother died or something onwhatever, but I knew up to that point because I had enough a a training thatif I, if you know my sponsor, whenever you make an excuse for not going overan me or you turned out you probably thinking you're going todrink again, so I didn't want to drink. One of the great things that helped mehere is the desire. I more than anything I didn't want to drink. Youknow all you had to do is say to me: you see that blond over there rest thatyou're looking at...

...for you, that's a bottle of Scotch withlegs. As soon as you link that blonde up to the drink, I forgot about theblonde. I mean I can't explain it to you. Thefear of the drink save my ass, a bunch of times from the things that from theworldly clamors that took Bill Wilson. Out of what a taken me out, theconstantly put in front of me, you know the money things going to take you outand one of the things going to take you out and all these things going to takeyou out to save me many many many times you know it took a long period of timenot like it happens like that. You know it is not like the booze were all side,wake up and I'm not drinking. How did that happen? It's America so on any men.I even though I said to myself, I'm not going back again. I immediately knewthat I was going back this. I know if I didn't go back. That was dishonest,that he letting people down and I would do and I feel guilty I would drink. Iwas go. I was going to go back, so I have to doing the worst meeting inthe history of alcoholics anonymous one of the incredible things thathappens in AA. We were talking about it today in the men's meeting about theidea of pain. You know how they say. Pain is the touch some of spiritual rot.It even says we learn the value of suffering. How how you like this? Thisis the line after this one, I'm Talkin em gin a shit up. We learn the value ofsuffering, try to tell that to a guy with fivedays, who's broken living on the streets, hey, you're, learning, thevalue of suffering pain is to touched on a spiritual round,trying to tell that to a guy's about ready to go to jail. You know what Imean, or is wife kick them out with his kids or whatever hell. It is tell himthat he's just learning the value of suffering. You know and see you know.So what I needed the first five years is. I need an encouragement. I neededmen who said to me: listen, I don't care if you screwed up the entire dayor also, if you didn't have to drink your a success, you're here your siteof men. I need to hear that kind of stuff. I need to hear the love I needto hear you know Russell you're, exactly where you're supposed to beyou're doing great. You know I mean I needed to hear that stuff down R a fewyears down the road. Then they start hitting me with what I call lovingsarcasm. I was reading for loving sarcasm. I was ready to call my sponsorthe one say I'm out of in the mile of you as one I just got a flat. My Kideleve in you know and he'd say you have a car. I can't believe my boss is such an anthole. You O Thir Bout. Five. Can you have a joy? My my you know. I can'tbelieve it. You know that my house is the playes blow and I got to get aplummet. Fucking er, you have a house, you know I stopped calling the son of A.is you know why call I nobody had even today Ican't I can't work up a good feeling, sorry for myself, because I'm till I'ma self video holic, because every time I start feeling about sorry on myself,it's own, because it's because I don't have this, but I and I hear you have acar. You have a house, you know, I can't believe I have to go to doctor.You have insurance, I god it's a terra's horrible, so so an event. So I went back to themeeting and you know I get myself confused. I Iwent back to the meeting and the next week after doing the worst, a meetingin the history of our box and Aolus. Luckily that mean wasn't taped, and soI'm sitting there and here the amazing thing that youlearn about this idea of pain and learning the value of suffering. Youknow when you're going through pain and you're going through suffering andyou're going through a horble situation. It's three o'clock in the morning andyou think your life is over and you worried about. What's going to happento you that, where you going to be and you're worried about being lonely andnot having this and not having that and all the ship, we worry about eighteenmillion times and the more we think about it. What's our cure for that ourcurs to think about it more just think about it more just lockyourself in a closet and think about your life than what it all means. Youknow what I mean make sure you have your revolver right there. You knowwhat I mean. I just think about shit.

No, and you can't stop because you'reyou know on pales over alcohol. You know W A T, I'm Pallas over gossip, I'mPOWs. I feeling sorry for myself, I'm Polis over thinking, bad shit aboutmyself and other people, I'm so powerless against. So many other things.The alcohol looms so big that I don't realize all the other crazy shit, I'mpalace over. I stopped drinking the alcohol and all of a sudden, I'm crazy,and I'm saying what's going to like this is man. You were like this when wewere thirteen, you were like this before the drink, during the drink andeven after the drink and now you're etrange the real disease, and so I'm sitting there. But I'm I go back to this meeting and just at the homestead group when Ibefore I signed the group that you know the worst meeting and somehow theyshowed up again. Who knows why and to see the train wreck and I'm sittingthere acting like? I don't know, I'm a failure and some guy walks up to me and he will suddenly he says. Can Italk to you before you start in? I said sure he tells me his name, I said so.What can I do? He is well, listen, I'm pretty new. I've only got about youknow sixty days. He says I just want to tell you the meeting you did last night.Let last week you saved my life and I'm looking I'm saying I saved yourlife, he said yeah, he says you know my wife has left me. She took my kids, I'mall along and I only have sixty days and I was actually leaving the house. Iwas going to go drink and I thought occurs to me to go to the homesteadgroup, and maybe I would hear something. Maybe that would help me- and youdidn't see me because I was sitting in the back of the room, but I got to tell you something whenyou said the chicken was on the roof. The entire program came together for me. I said now. I never said the chickens on the O. I know it. I took credit for it anyway,but I mean I knew what he was talking about, becausethere was some poultry there and I know I got I was I had said he got it allwrong. I said the turney was in the basement. I said I lately deferent okay,it was like it was like poultry involved. You know I something withdeters, I don't know about, but I saw that's great chickenon the road. The one went and sat down, and and so on the way back as I was drivingback, I did the meeting. Probably the second worst need in the history, a dand I realized something. I realized that that I was at this meeting. I realize the difference betweentarring the message and trying to kind o message see. I thought what thetwelve step was. You See, I told you I was going to force up a lot. I throughthought the twelve step was that we carried the message. That's what Ithought out. He don't you think, that's what it is. I that's not the twelve setto selves, not about carrying the message. You know if the twelve stepsabout to tarn the message that if anybody drinks than I have this meaningit's my fault, I'm complain. You know you know, because what you hear andwhat your success depends upon me and what I said and I think what it says intill step as we try to care the message, which means I do the best job I canwith what I've got gone for myself. I think it's a going on so this willprobably the worst forested meeting in the history of mankind, but that theone I did in homestead you know what I mean, but it's going to be the best one.I can do the I and I'll tell how God understand I'm sitting there trying thebest I can to do the fourth step and to talk to this group and showing em. Youknow, because that's my obligation and there's some poor guy in the backof the room who thinks his life is over. It's never going to get better againhe's thinking about draking he's listening to me and he wants to hearsomething. He's begging, he's trying to...

...hear something: that'll stop him fromdrinking, and I say Turkey in the basement and it floats across the room and itgoes in this sky's ear and God knows exactly what this guy needs in order tobe sober and he hears Chitin on the roof and the entire program comes togetherfor him and I get the credit. So I never worry about what you think about what I'm saying orhow I'm saying or whatever. It is because you're going to hear whateveryou're supposed to hear and if you don't want to hear anything you're notgoing to hear anything. You know and some people it's going to be the secondstep. Some people going to say it's the twelfth step. Some people say it's oforth on the fifth step of the sixth step or whatever it is. What is itmatter now? Looking back after forty yearssobriety and after c after going through painand suffering and humiliation over and over again and hating it, and itfeeling, is horrible and run around like a Chin with my head chopped offand begging God to help me and ask him for help and feeling like. I have noidea what you I'm doing and being scared and not at wanting people toknow it going through all the bullshit and then somehow some way over athousand days and a thousand nights. Somehow, when I know I'm going to die,it's could be terrible. I get to the other end of that and I don't drink andmiraculously the whole thing ends up perfectly in such a way. So I know itis in me. It's God, like my spose used to say nine and ten things that you'regoing to worry about, aren't even going to happen in the tent thing. Thathappens is going to happen. A different living you think it is and have to gothrough that, a thousand after going to my meetings early on and saying youwouldn't believe what happened. You know, I thought I was going to befired in the game, O race. You wouldn't believe what happened. I thought theyhated me and they told me they loved me. You wouldn't believe what happened. Ithought I was gonna. You know do this or do that and a miracle happen afterafter a thousand times saying there really is a God. This thing really doeswork. This is unbelievable until next Tuesday, when I'm worried again after God, lifts me up and saves me athousand times and a thousand times. I say man distingreally works. There really are miracles, prayer really works and then two daysgo by. They say: Oh Man, I'm gonna die it's going to be terrible again, likethe guys in the boat with Jesus. You know what I mean. Oh we're gonna die,you know. So, after forty years, thirty years,twenty years of being sane, I came to a clue conclusion that if Imake a decision, for God also some remarkable things happen, youknow all powerful. To give me everything- and I need I say close tome- forma works well- is works. Well, you know I come to a conclusion thatI'm on a spiritual basis, the God has become the central fact of my life thathe lives in my heart and mind in a way which is a de Moratus. That is doingfor me, but I can't do for myself and I become rocked in the forts matchingexistence, and why is that? Because I? Finally after Thirty Years Twenty years,everyone tends belief, I don't sort of Lee- I don't kind of believe with doubtI believe in even then every once in a while. I get into a little fear, but it's like nothing to bad the way itused to be because as soon as I get in Fer, I said Lord. I don't even help meout with this. All things work for good for those who help the Lord and I start reading the big book likeit's the real deal like it's really serious. You know that that what they're sayingis true. You know that that what they're sayingis to you real lize has to be on God. This God thing is important is allpowerful. I give you everything. You need there's one O as well power thatone is gone. I started reading the Chapter Gnosticsfor what it says, this sort of thing it has to be abandoned. You know the whole book. The entirebook is about God. I start seeing the...

...thing bill. As An said, the Lord hasbeen so long O me Yore, Ma Ister disease. I got to keep talking aboutand telling other people- and I hear Bob Dots on say that was thewhole thing with bill was, and that was the release. That was what they had.You know the bottom lize they gave all credit the gun and they believe thisstuff. They believe this stuff. They encouragechurch membership because they believe that stuff. They believed it was allbat God, and then I start seeing this whole big book with all the stuff in anall the tools. All the sports that fist have everything was all about gettingto the eleven step or the sixth step, really where you're so believed in Godthat you will get rid of anything that stands in the way, you're growing inthe image and likeness of your Creator and you're humbly asking him to changeyou. You know, and the women and all the other stuff at the man in whateverit's all out of the picture, because it's all about him and then you finallyget to the eleven step where it says. I don't care where you are forty years.Fifty Years Twenty Years Improve Your conscious contact with him, so you'rethinking about him all the time and I stopped living a change over. I stoppedliving a life where I keep on turning it over to him. I startedliving an turned over life where I go to meet and said no matterwhat step I'm on, I'm going to spend fifteen minutes talking about God,because because the Lord's been so wonderful make dureme of to sube he anI keep talking about Tom of people, because I'm so grateful to him becauseI realized you could do the steps up your ass you're going to drink and it'sgoing to be nothing if hell. Unless you get the point of the book. See withyour relationship with him is right and great events will come to as few andtell us others until you guys less. You get the point of the book which, asit's over and over and over again God either is or he isn't what yourdecision going to be. There is no middle of the road solution. It's not like, I think, there's a godor maybe there's a God. Well I don't know whether I like the God thing butI'll say it. It's not about to saying the Lord Bats, about getting to thepoint where you're convinced and I got to tell you something it maytake twenty five years to get that point. You may have to go through a lotof shit to go to get to that point, because I want to take them when you'rescared and you're three months over you're five months, ober and your yearsober and you think your life is over and some guy says you can learn the value of suffering.If you don't want to hear that Shit Bunny if you've gone through it up thezillion times, you start to every time you go through it and come out of it.It's just one more little underlying belief than that you leave stuff andall of a sudden the words have meaning that's, not just a theory. It's a wayof life which the man's rigors honestly, all of a sudden the words have eatingwhen they say in the book above everything, we must get rid of thisselfishness. We must alred kills us and we are at first, don't even know whatit is winning to think we're selfish. We don't even understand the insanityof selfishness, but it says we have it and that's the disease, and the onlyway to get rid of it is God makes that possible, and not just hate God goodand do it in Menico, like that, I mean the serious belief in God beforeanything and all of a sudden, and then we start believing that the insanity, the choice at if Iselfishness and the fear of delusion, go away to the exact extent that youbelieve in God, and so there you go. You say fifteenminutes on the third stay. I think it was the third step or was a e case. Idon't know so. Let's go the force then so I want to talk about. So one of thethings they say is our problem is delusion. It says, selfish and self setSenes Rim by hundred fort of fear, self delusion self dilute delusion means.Part of your insanity is an alcoholic. Is You have no idea what the fuck's goingon? There's a real problem: you have no idea what the fuck's going on, but youthink you do. You got to read between one when theysay yourself should self set it and you giving a hundred forms of fear and whenthey say you made decisions based on...

...self and they say all that stuff gotyou when your self over ride, and then they say after that- and this is afteryou've stopped drinking. They say what does they say? An alcohol usuallydoesn't think. So what he's trying to say is your freaking crazy and youdon't even understand what they say. Things and alcohol can't recognize. Thetrue from the false to him is alcohol, like the life of an alcohol which ismore to do then just drink it has to with who you hang around with yourthoughts. You know what it is. It says: Half Measures of AILES, nothing, wemust get rid of our old digress result is now to your old idea. Is Your ownthinking patters? How do you think how you feel the blaming I'm a victim? Youknow you know we're saying get off the cross. We need the wood and your sayingyou don't understand, what's happening again, you're old thinking. The bottomline is the problem is, is my thinking isdelusion. I don't recognize, what's true an what's false and when you live in a make, let metell you something: I'm perfectly normala perfectly normal, but not on this planet. You understand now. You know whether you know Don whatI'm talking about. There's a planet somewhere in the gallion planned Russell. where I be perfectly normal, I wouldn'teven have to go to me that Lana has a planet. Its plan spentone. You know what I mean you haven't plan, there's a possibility. We allactually come from the same planet as a possibility that we've all beendropped here and somehow, for whatever reason, maybe they have wore the planet.They're not coming back to pick US up. You know what I mean we understand us. They just don'tunderstand that. That's the deal you know. So let me talk about. I'm not GOIN.Take you how to do for stuff, because I'm going to give you a little shockingsurprise here, I'm going to help you out. I'm going to tell you about thefort, the YOU'RE gonna be able to do in five set years of you, because I went for like three months,not knowing how to do the fourth pinch, that you know Jake Derisori, you knowgraduate to Tomete landers a math mat as everything I had no idea how to dothe force step and when I finally got to the point where I got second tiring,sick and tide, I opened up the book. Listen you going to find this arglethere's a chart in the book for mental digits. You understand stupid peopleknow how to do this brilliant people, which I include allof you, because I could tell how smart you are are baffled. You know it says Iresent now we're the ones who say I don't you sent to anybody and then, bythe time you get around to make a shot. I hate my mother. I hit my brother, Ian o. what's the big deal you put down everybody you hate, which is everybody?Okay? Why do you hate them? Because they're assholes, you know you put itdown? What is this affect? It even tells you right that it affects mysecurity and everything. Then it says this we got, then it goes through awhole bunch of that tells you how to do it in the book. I don't have to sithere and repeat the book to You. You go to your spots. You can read the book.You can do the Fort Step. You can do it in two hours. You don't have to takesixteen weeks. Do the best fourth step, but you can do you know what I mean youknow I did a for syme took me I. Finally, when I finally got around todoing it, it took me two and a half hours and apparently it worked on and Ithink it. Two months months later, I wrote down some more stuff that I leftout and that taught me how to do an inventory. So then I start doing tensteps. Everyone at some on stuff like that, and he I mean apparently that twoand a half hour for step Bork, because I'm still here you know, but the bottomline it. So we don't but here's the deal. The the real problem with a popsis the question. Why should I do the force ten? Because it's what day I knowabout alcoholics, you give the motivation, don't figure out how to do it. You know when I saw that red head onthe other side of the bar. Nobody had to draw me a fucking mat. I didn't have to tax children on shoulder,say you know, what do you think how you? What do you? How do you think you knowwhat I mean it was like? Can I bob you a drink? You know it's like. I was stay thereand have problems walking over well. I...

...did, but a couple of shots of Scotchwill fix that up right away. You know what I mean you know and you, so Idon't so I don't have to you know. The only thing as I need is. I needmotivation. You understand. If the fourth step wasa red head, I would have done it the first day. Okay, so that's the deal Imean. So let me give you some motivation, I'm an if I only earn a guest about onetake diente the fore step and not doing the four step. Now, of course, they sayone of the reasons as you might drink forget about the drink on then, let'stalk about not being an asshole. Now, if you're, a guy, you don't give ashit, you are ass home in you want to be an ass on. You want to be a side ofa bitch, and you want to hear too. I can't help them, but if you want to be decent humanbeing and you want to grow up and become a man and may be able to tellyou something so I got my life so man, if only a in US butter, I wakeup or more. I says man. If only had that down. I only had that car. If Ionly had a new wife, if I only had more money, if I only had a better job, if Ionly had this so I only had that and I run around either feeling sorry formyself or not getting it but being depressed because I'm never going toget or I would move heaven in earth and like cheat and steal and find to get itand then after I get it, I'd sit there with it. It would be great for like amonth and I'd, say man. I finally had a new a car. If I I live my entire lifethat way and that's the way I live my life and I can give you we don't have timewe only fifty. I can give you fifteen stories of, if only yours and yes,butters and all this times, I did that I spend more money. I don't have to buythings. I didn't need to impress people light in line. I am a guy who would doanything to leave the life. I want to live and look for pleasure and all sortof stuff, but I'm going to talk about one thing when I I was at college players and go walk in and then she was a looker had legs up toher and she was on the chair. She was a college, sheer leading thing and allsort of stuff and he was gorgeous, and I said man if I can havethat gown. If I get married, that call everythingwould be okay and she was a father. was a doctor. A mother was a lawyer and I met her and I you know I did Iweasled my way. I insinuated myself into their lives and charmed her and you know, did you knowalcohol alcohols can actually be charming. You know we can me that wereon come ome become whatever I'm going to be come to get where I have to go.You know what I mean be whatever I can do. You know you, like the army, bewhat you can be okay and you ever need to be in, and I got them to like me andI like them, and I liked her and and as mate I even switch. I was going to be amath professor. I worked all my life to be a match, professor and graduateEPARTMENT Laden, and I decide you know. Maybe I should be a lawyer or a doctorbecause her father was a doctor and mother was a lawyer. Grandfather was alower, I shd be a lawyer, you know so I applied to law. SCOPE. Am A lawyer.People ask you why to become aware, and I would say well I, like Parma in alorry to get laid gatray guys are laughing. You don'tknow what it's like now, I'm not new girls, because I knowyou're different than us, but I'm looking at a bunch of guys so doanything to get late. You know what I mean is now that's the deal. I know youguys, so I used to see you in the bars. You know that was your deal and or get a woman or get a romance orget something going on. You know what I mean: that's the life I lived just.That was the most important thing to me and I finally got this Goll. We gotmarried and I started working. You know, you know how alcoholics are well, thisalcoholic you can put on a real good front. You know what I mean. Igraduated lawyer Lawyer School. I was a lawyer, you know I looked at that timeand I could drink and I always drink to get drunk or to get had. But you know,and I married her and everything was wonderful for the first. I don't knowwe had a child beautiful child. Had A beautiful houseon my beach on worse country, Clip Golf Course: Alta road or everything likethat. Had everything done with forming...

...division, chief of the States torney'soffice and everything was great for about. I don't know six months, sevenmonths, eight months and nine months, when does a car a new carbecome a used car? When would you said two years not to say I'd say two years on: Whendoes the car you're driving? You say when do you say to yourself I'm goingto get another car because you are what your car is. Youare what your shoes are. You are what your clothes are. You are what yourwave is cos. avait vane all was vanity. That's in ECCLESIASTES, once you get tothe point where you you feel like, you need something you need no hair cutbecause you're not feeling good about yourself. You need new blouse girlsbecause you're, not you know you need to you know you got a need to get anose. Job Get some boat tops. You need to get. You need to get back to yourbasically a piece of shit. One day, you're in the shower and Sam Wot, anass all a to kill myself when you well somewhere along the line. I don't know,I'm not put a date on it, and I decided that I was tired of my wife. Now Ididn't say I'm tired of my wife, because I wasn't bright enough becauseI remember in alcoholic I'm delusional. I was just not happy and the reason Iwas not happy as I was going to the bar every day after work and watching thegirls on the dance fool, and I was watching these girls that Ihad never had any relationships with and were beautiful. You know, althoughmy life is still both beautiful and they were beautiful, and I startedsaying to myself this: You ready your phone, if only I wasn't married, if only I could have one of those girlsthey've only a could be single again because I did beget married kind ofyoung now. I know he was, I know they probably said somewhere in the marriageceremony, because I know they say this. I don't remember for sure. I can't beblamed something about to love and honor was in cental death to us part. I don't know why. I didn't hear that Imean us. It was going to be a big party afterwards at West he country club, andI was thinking about the party you know, and I really realized it wasn't fairbecause I new lie. I was young, I didn't realize what I was signed on foryou know what I mean, and so I started looking at these gals and everythinglike that and well, you know the story is what youknow what the story is I'm going to go to, but but let me tell you when I wantso the story is my wife told me one day after five years of marriage, you comehome drunk in which time I'm leaving you and- and I came home dump that nightand she hit me out of the house and I walked down. I said I'm free, you see,I didn't have the dust to tell her and her parents. I wanted to go out and datother women. I want to do all that. I said I'm free, I'm free to go to theBar, I'm free to date those women. I was never free. Not to do that. I wasjust fixing. I just didn't: Have the guts to do it. On my own, I had to getthe one where she kicked me out and then I had an excuse. It was my fault,Chugen yeah and then she called me up about a monthlater and said: Look Ratin get a divorce. I think he got to go to an outmarriage counsel, and I said yes out of guilt, because when I you know, I gotto make believe I'm trying or something like yet I go to the marriage counselorand he says Ronnie. How do you want to? What do you want to change aboutRussell? And I wasn't even listening because I'm thinking about data I havethat night and to get me back in this cage and not be able to go out, andeverything like that. I think she mentioned something about tricking orcoming over for dinner or something like that and and they turn me says,what do you want to change about? Ronnie said I just want to date, otherwomen and I was a sober when I said that to him in front of her and themother of my child, as I am right now as physically sober as I am right nowand that's what I said to him. Can you even imagine what she was thinking whenI said that, then you imagine the pain, the embarrassment. In the shame, Iwasn't ashamed at all. It came out, like I didn't think anything else. Youknow what I started doing thinking about it started thinking about ityears after I got sober years after I guess I would do anythingto take that back. You know I've done...

...all sorts of Amens in I x and all thatsort of stuff. You want to know something. Anybody tells you that onceyou do those of me, you never think again, you're like done and it's overand you're, not getting you're. Not You don't feel ashamed for what you didI'll. Tell you what that's not the kind of Appolinian. I have the outcome ofApolis M, where I think about that. It tells me where I could be in where Iwant it, where I could be if I started drinking again, who I really am I'm notthe Nice Gutting, I'm one evil, son of a bitch. You know what I mean. That'swho I am, but let me tell you what the real story is. The real story isn'teven that here's, the here's the deal with the fore step when she divorced me and we gotdivorced and I paid my child support and I did that and all that stuff. Ifsomebody asked me what happened, if somebody asked me what happened withyour marriage, this is what I told them. You know we got married, Toni Young, we really weren't, didn't know what wewere doing, because we were very young and she used to Nag me a lot about. Youknow coming home, late or stuff like that, and we used to go out and partyand we used to have a lot of fining. She stopped wanting to do that and shestarted starting criticize me for being with my friends and stuff like that andall that sort of stuff and she was hypercritical and we were obviouslypeople that were grown in different directions. And my wife didn't quoteunderstand me and she didn't appreciate me. You understand what I'm saying, andso she kicked me out of the House finally and divorced me, and if you asked me what my story wasabout, why I got divorced. That's what I would tell you and let metell you something else. I believe that Shit. I believed it to my heart in myheart that I was a good guy and a good world and just a victim, and she wasjust like over reacting. I believe that stuff and here's what happened. She wasa decent gown. She married a guy. She gave a promise that she stuck to. Shewas a good mother. She was a good wife and I was a sex crazed asshole whodidn't give a shit about that house, more marriage and all I cared aboutmyself and I didn't give a crap that anybody except myself and I was godless and I didn't havecure. I didn't have the courage to leave the marriage, so I just made herlife miserable came at home at three o'clock the morning constantly missingdinner until she kicked me out and then I treat and I treated her like crap O.that's the real story. You know that's the true story I spent ten years or soliving or maybe six years or so living with the first story. With I livingwith the story that it was her fault, I was not to blame. I lived in that story.I believe that story, I'm sober and I've done my fore step. I've been aliveto twenty. Let me tell you something: I live in the second story. Now I I'm about the second story. Now let metell what the differences when I'm the first story, when I was inthe first story- and I was powerless over not being in the first Torypowerless over, not being our understander first story. I was a. let me see this way you wouldn't havewanted to know me. I would have heard you when I was in the first tiding to acrap about anybody set myself. I was selfish. I was self centered I was. I was an ass. I was like a child and I was- and you want to some on as aresult of that, I drank a lot and as a result of that, I felt crappy all thetime and I felt guilty and I felt in fear- and I never had any decent,honest, truthful relationships where I honestly cared about other people. When I started living in the secondstory, everything changed, I became kind ofindividual that would go back to a...

...meeting, even though he knew he did the worstleam in the world and they hate them because he felt it was hisresponsibility to do start. I started becoming O responsible. I started becoming honest. I startedbecoming somebody that you could rely upon. I stopped making excuses for mybehavior. I started trying to act better and when I screwed up, I makeamends for it. I became a completely different individual and I stoppedtelling myself after a while. Quite frankly that was a piece of shit and Ihad to kill myself because I was never going to be okay and all of a sudden. Istarted hearing things like you know: You're, a decent guy, Rosso, you're, Ducini other people with backme, an Sam, a decent God and see. I like me. Let me say something I like mea lot better when I believe the second story- and I hate me Carl met US- SaidAlcoholics in there women we have to destroy themselves, and I hate my Godand I want to destroy myself whether I would do things to destroy myself whenI'm living in the first story. You don't have a shock again, not thefirst of getting out of the first store until you do. The fourth and Tistance,don't even see the you, don't even see who you are and what's going on, you sit there and you have some idea ofwho you think you are and what you think you did and what you think yourlife is about and who you think, hurt you and treatedyou unfairly. You understand, I m saying you don't have a clue and you won't start feeling like a manor a woman or feeling decent until you somehow get into that. Second Story:That's why you want to do the for step it this step. You want to find out.What's really going on, you don't want to live in planet Russell planes setLana Planet Don. You Know Planet Cindy. You want to live here on our planet,but NB here be in the world, but not oil. You want to live a spiritual life.A spiritual life is not a life of lies and lying to yourself. You would me so I know was that thefourth step, the six of that the twelve I. What is that deal? You know what Imean. Well, I guess it's just chicken on the roof right o bless you thank you very.

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