AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 7 months ago

Russell S. Step 4-Intro at the 12 Step House 5/27/2021

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Russell S. Step 4-Intro at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 5/27/2021

Okay, my name Rustin's pets.I'm an alcoholic. Hey, I'm here for the cake. I don't know. Wow, it's great to see everybody here. It's great see Andre I'veknown him for seven years, you know, and it's wonderful to see new peopleand people that are just coming in and just love being here. Thisis more like the twelve step room. If I remember, I've been goingstep series here for over thirty years, every year for thirty years. Andand if I remember correctly, this is like the oldest step meeting. Theyused to announce this was the oldest step meeting in the state of Florida something. I don't know what it is, but I mean it's like been aroundfor doing it for longer, and I'm forty years sober. It's been longerthan I've been sober. So it's been around for a long time. Soit's a great privilege to be here and we're going to do a little somethingon it. They said it's a fourth step thing and I'll I'll mention thefourth step. Hey, I mentioned it, qustion. That's IT, Mitchell.You know, we've been talking about the insanity and all sorts of stuffof alcoholism and the real deal that you guys going to be working on.You know, because they have to. You stop drinking. You know whatyou find out is about. You find out about the real disease. YouWork for fifteen, twenty years drinking and you find out they after twenty,twenty, five years of drinking, whatever it is, you finally find outthat you are a dick to the alcohol. You can't stop drinking. You gotan alcohol problem and you walk into a a and and after listening toa few people, if you're lucky enough, if you're blessed enough, you saymy name is sold soon I'm an alcoholic and you say I'm home,I'm home, and you stop drinking and it's all wonderful. And then,after a few months, you find out that that's not even the problem.You find out you're crazy. You don't know how crazy you are, butyou really don't. It's impossible to see how crazy you are because you can'tlearn about crazy until you experience crazy over a long period of time under differentcircumstances. You have to go through love affairs and be crazy. You gotto go through being broken and being crazy. You got to go through disappointments andbeing crazy. You got a lot of meet a lot of shitty peopleand be crazy. You got a lot of meet a lot of people thatare not shitty but you think they're shitty and be crazy. That's the wrongdoingsof others, fancied or real. That's like imaginary shit. You got togo crazy over imaginary shit. And after ten or fifteen years and you getat you get a sort of glimpse of the size of the craziness you know, and you and you hear a few speakers. Man, that guy's crazy, and you said, Shit, I was doing that last week and yousort of like all call is less until they you understand. And then allof a sudden you've got like all of a sudden that ten years sober,you finally see the second step for what it is. We see that wehave there's a power being ourselves that can restore us to sanity. And hesaid I was always looking at the power ratter than us and all I neverlooked at the fact that I was insane. That that's I was insane. Youknow, you got a call from somebody today who was a year soberand they were going crazy. You know, one of the things that happens iswhen, after a while, you sort of it's you learn this stuffexperientially. You can't learn it logically. You can't learn it logically because tolearn it logically you would have to run through raise this your brain. Now, let me try to explain this as...

...simply as I can. If you'recrazy, running through your brain does not work, because you see the realproblem. Without PAC drinking is just a symptom of the disease. Why isthat Guy Drinking? Because he's crazy. So you stopped drinking and the crazinessdoesn't go away. You just stuck getting arrested for Dui and then three orfour or five or six years or ten years out of the road, whateverit is that it, it's you. You look back and you realize thatthe craziness that you feel, the fear you feel, the hatred you feel, the resentment you feel, the tenzero thoughts that run through your mind thata million miles brow, are all bad thoughts about yourself and other people.The spending money, you don't have to buy shit, you don't need toimpress me. You don't like the comparing your inside with other people's outsides andsaying, nobody could understand the how can I even talk about I can't talk. You know all the crazy machinations of your mind. You know, yourealize somehow. Wait a second, I've been like this ever since I waseight years old, and you realize that you were an alcoholic before you starteddrinking. You were just waiting for the key substance, whether it be cocaine, alcohol, whatever, so that you could go from crazy to Latou say, I know what blotto is. I drank for the noble art of gettingbombed. I did. Now, listen, it is true. I initially drankto get to that feeling, that spot where I really didn't give ashit what other people think about me. But the truth is, earlier onI always seem to overshoot that spot. You know what I mean. Iwould go from really feeling good to Blotto, and then after a while I wouldstart drinking. I would go like straight to Blatta, like express theBlatta. But you want US something. That was okay, because you wantus something, because blotto was a lot better than down here on the fuckingplanet with all the idiots, young stilling, I'm saying. And the problem wasnot the drink, the drinking. The drinking became the problem, thebiggest problem. So it started thinking was the problem. The problem was mythinking. And so what happens is you come in here and you stop drinkingand now you're stuck with the thinking and the thinking and the thinking. Andif you're an alcoholic, one of the great things about alcohol is the reasonI drack this because no woman, is no car and no amount of money, no boat. Know, nothing ever worked quite as well and quite asfast as just a few drinks works fast for me, you know. AndSobriety in AA and the program doesn't work as fast as Scotch. You mayhave to go for to three hundred and seventy meetings over a period of twoyears to get the same feeling that you know, like a bottle of Scotchis going to get like five seconds. You know what I mean. Youmay have to go through a lot of pain. But what happens is,as you go through these experience is you know. And and the problem isif you don't deal with the alcohol Ismm the is mm. If you onlydeal with the drinking, if you come a day only for the drinking,without question, you will drink again and so you come in here and youhear people say things like this, I had seven years and then I drank, or guy told me that. He says you don't have thirteen years andthen I drank. I got I had six months and then I drank.I got twenty years and then I drink. And you realize that for every twothousand or Threezero people you meet who came in here and got sober,physically sober, over a period of years or months or whatever. So theycan't blame the drinking on the fact of...

...the craving, you know, becausethe craving is it that drink, then you have another drink, you haveanother drink and everything like that. They can't blame the drinking on the factthat they crave because they had a drink, because because right before they took thefirst drink at ten years, they were sober. And so you realizethe problem of alcohol is that they have a state of mind where they're atrestless, EARBIL and discontented sober. So the problem is you're going to drinkeven if you're sober, if the only thing you're working on is not drinking. Now, to be sure, the first month, the first two months, the first six months, the first year, they're handing out so manymedallions for not drinking, the celebrating not drinking so much. Yeah, yeah, Freddy, you killed three nuns and a boose. You know what Imean, and you're rape to check in. That's true, but you didn't havea drink today. Didn't know. Hey, you're a winner. Letme tell you something. It is true. It's all about don't drink, evenif gass falls off and you start thinking it's only about the drinking,and a magical thing happens, no matter what you go through, no matterhow bad it is, no matter how bad you feel, you can't sleep, you can't sleep, you got your going nuts, you don't drink andsomehow, some way, you spiritually change. But the truth is there does comea time, and every alcoholics life and a real big time, whenit gets around the sixth step that separates the men from the boys, or, and said the men from the boys, so the women from the girls,the ones that are going to drink from the ones who are not goingto drink. See what the sixth step really is is exceptate. You knowhow the six step says, this is the step that separates the men fromthe boys. This is the step that separates those that will not make itand not be rocking in the fourth dimension existence from the ones that will.I mean, that's just I'm just on the APP for four years. That'sjust the truth. And even if you somehow get to the point where youhave twenty years sobriety, physical sobriety, you won't be experiencing much of heaven. You won't be rocked in the fourth dimension of existence, you won't losefear of people in the economic insecurity, you'll just be dry. And that'sbeen my experience in alcoholics anonymous. For every two, threezero people you meetthat has gets sober, and everybody gets sober and a A. I meanI don't know everybody, but you know the truth is most people come heregets ober for months, six months, a year or something like that.For every two thousand, a three thousand, there's maybe one guy who's got thirtyyears. and not everybody has thirty years, has thirty years contented sobrietybecause they're not working on the DIS ease, because they're delusional, because they're insane. So I have this book which I now assume everything in it isthe truth. Let's make believe, since this is an a meeting, thateverything in the book is the truth. Wouldn't that be amazing? How aboutthis? Let's try this for the next whatever it is, ten weeks ormany weeks. I'm doing this thing. No matter what you think in yourwonderful brain and whatever. I think that the big book is right. It'sthe basic text, it's the book we all agree on. Right. Solet's assume that if we have a choice between what you think and what thebig book says, we're going to go with the big book. For instance, the big book says half measures availing US nothing. Zay've ever said that, seeing that you think, this is what you think. Half measures availuefifty percent. I'm telling you, that's what you said. That's what thesix steps all about. People who settle people. Get off my ass.I'm sober. Don't. But you know, well, there's a great if youget my email, there's a great...

...essay on the that was written.s called the strong to cut cubb of tea and said with a start,going downhill and getting warded down is when alcoholics realized. Realized, because we'revery smart and we're very lazy and we walk at everything. You know whatI mean. When alcoholics realized for the first time that they could stay soberand they didn't have to do any of this shit, listen to me rightwhen when a first start, it was low bottom drugs, they thought theywere going to die. They wouldn't let him get into the rooms unless theygot on their knees and ask God's Hell. And when they got in their kneesthey were praying, they were using the bibles of but they found absolutelyit's that they were finatic all, they were crazy. It was none ofthis well, very spoke about God stuff, because you didn't get in until shegot down in the knees and Gabriel, and you know, that's the wayit was. That five, ten, fifteen years later, people coming inhospital ever come and they started realizing alcoholics aren't stupid, that people werestaying sober and not doing the fourth step. We were staying sober and not doingthe fifth step. People are staying sober and going only one to twomeets a week. They're not going to be in Stal I'm people were saying. Once alcoholics realized that they could stay physically sober, and they were hereto stay staphysically sober and you couldn't talk to him, you can't say yougot's our chief characteristic, this defiance, a chief characteristic, this defiance.So you say no, alcoholic, well maybe you should go. And hesays, Hey, get on my back. I haven't had a drink in twoyears, I haven't had a drink of three years. I'm not drinking. You know what I mean to stay on me, get off my back. Have you done for? So I'm working on it. Or you knowwhich is alcohol comb for stay. I ain't never going to do it.It ain't never going to happen. Once alcoholics realize that they could stay soberand they were settling for that and they hey, listen, you're raping fifteenchickens and a banana and whatever it is, and he got seven years and don'tsay and they're gonna they don't care. Hey, come up for you getyour medallions, because what we celebrate here is physical sobriety. But thebottom line is is that after a while, the bottom line and the bottom lineis is nobody gets away with anything. That's right. Nobody gets away withanything. You you can run that horse only so far and then thedrinking happens. So the divorce happens, so the jail happens, so thesomething happens. And so this guy calls me up today and he says,and this is true story, we're not going to tell about the four stepnow. I'm going to do that next week when I have more time,but we're going to talk about something. So the guy calls me up andhe says, I thirteen years in the I drank and don't have a here. Because, let me tell you, let me tell you something. Thisdisease, remember, we said the big books right. It says here's thereal disease, here's the real disease. And I'm not pointing my finger atyou, but I am, because you're an AA and you say your alcoholics, and I'm an alcohol and this is what the book says. It saysyou're selfish, yourself centered, driven by a hundred from here, your selfdelusional. You know what means to be delusional. Your alcoholics, like food, regular or not, your way of thinking seems normal to you. It'snormal. It's normal for you to feel sorry for yourself. It's normal foryou think it's everybody else's fault. It's normal for you to tell people gofuck yourself and not listening. It's normal for you to not keep a clearstate. It's normal for you, no matter house what you are, whenyour wife says to you, if you come home drunk one more time,I'm leaving you. It's normal for you, so sober, to say what thehell that? That's normal. Listen. That's normal for an alcoholic, fora genius, someone who's a genius, to say when they hear something,they don't like to be confused. Listen. When you're dealing with somebodywho the judge or the wife or someone...

...says you do that one more time, you going to jail, they say, what the fuck is he talking about? You know what I mean. And they're sober, they're not drinking. It's not because they have an alcohol problem, it's because they're crazy,and the problem is alcoholics don't understand how crazy they are. So it sayswe're selfish, we're self centered. Would you're a hundred forms of fear.We're delusional. We step on a topes of others. They retaliate. Seeme without provocation. We have no idea why this is happening. To us, an alcohol the self will run right, though we usualize. I think so, because he's made decisions, he's learned based upon self, which putsthem in a position to be hurt. So, aside, above everything,we must get rid of the selfishness. But how can you get rid ofsomething when you don't even know what it is? How do you get ridof a selfishes when you don't think they're selfish, when you think you're basicallya good guy, when you basically evil, you know, and left your owndoor? Well, well, I ask my sponsor what that paragraph manysays. What it means is you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. And I understand that because I thought I was a basic and Nice I. I mean I would tell me, I says, I'm not at allHitler, I'm not a murderer. That's pretty much my standards, by theway, you know, and we tell ourselves stop that. So the guywith thirteen years who drank and we and we're very well defended. God forbidyou go back up to an alcoholic that hasn't been slammed on to his kneesor is facing life from prison and try to tell him something about himself.Get Ready, he's going to tell you everything he knows about your mother.You know what I mean? It's going to happen. We're not really niceto people when it comes to people telling us about ourselves. We have tolearn the hard way. So this guy says to me, says I gotthirteen years, I have thirteen years, and then I drank and he said, and now I got to hear and I said, yet, thirteen yearsin the turnk. You said, yeah, it'said. So so, yeah,I was stuck sober thirteen years. And I say to him this,because I'm sober a long time and I'm not the smartest guy in the world. I know a little bit about the disease. I said, you weren'tsober. He says, no, I was sober. I said no,you wanted sober. Let's know, I was sober. He says, Isaid you were not sober. Listen to me. Sober people who have thirteenyears do not drink. Do do not drink. Do you understand that?Because if sober people drink, then we're all in a shitload of dry.Sober people drinks one so many people don't drink. He was dry. Hewas dropped. You were dropped. You were, you were, when you'resaying you were physically sober but you weren't spiritually sober. You are mentally sober, you weren't emotionally sober. You weren't, or else you wouldn't have drank,and he says, well, yeah, I guess you're us as well.I did get complacent. Well, I was a little complaint. Iwasn't. Then all of a sudden the truth starts coming out. I stoppedgoing in a yeah, blah, blah, gold all of a sudden, butbe in it all of a sudden when confronted, and he listens andhe learns, and that's the other thing you need is at all. Notonly do you have to have the sickness now on, you have to bephysically sober, but you have to be experiencing all sorts of problems and bullshitthat's affecting you so badly that you're going nuts, that you realize you're crazy. And then the next thing is you got to be in a position whereyou're surrounded by mentors or sponsors or rooms where you can say letter and theycan say whatever they say to point you in the right direction, which maytake months or years. So this guy's been telling it. He's delusional.He's been telling this is the story he's...

...and this is why the fourth stepis so important, because we are delusional. We look back on our lives,when we tell ourselves lives, we realize is what it says. Werealize that we have made decisions based upon self, which puts us in aposition to be heard. And the truth is you can get sober physically,but you don't quite understand why you're in the Jackpoton you're in. When mysponsor said to me, your best thing, on your best they got you inthis Cham, when my sponsors said it was you know as much aboutlife as dog knows about his father. Well, my sponsors said, howdo you do shit you do? Why do you say the crap you say? And I said, well, that's just my personality, and he said, well, you got to get rid of that personality because that's what's killingyou. I understand what the hell he was saying, because I was alawyer, I was successful, I made money, I had a wife,I had a child, had a home which I left and I burnt commentageat alcoholics. A men, when we are out to destroy themselves. Here'sthe problem. I had everything. I'm brilliant, I'm wonderful. Based uponwhat the world thinks, I'm looking good and I'm a fucking basket case.So I got who's making all the decisions of my life? Oh yeah,that was me. So and I have no idea, and that's part ofthe four that's what we're going to get into next week we talk about foreignfather. I got to have some sort of clear understanding. Is Okay,you're saying on crazy. You're saying I'm making this is your based myself.I need to see what that looks like. I see it to a certain extentwhen people talk, a guy tells the story. I did this,I did oh man, I do that. Oh Man, I did that.I knew that. But I need to sit down, need to mapit out so I can see, Holy Shit, I really amn't say Ineed to get the point where I was feeling. I was feeling like Iwas a victim. I'm a victim. Why are they treating me like this? To get the point, says, man, I can't be leaeve thatpeople are still talking to me. I was such an asshole. I needto see this thing for really what it is, and that's what the fourthstep is all about. So it's like I'm telling this guy with thirteen years, I said, you were never sober, you know, you were drying.That's what you were. You were drying. You were just waiting fora drink. And he said he and he says. This is what hesays. This man, you're right, he under it's like it's like thisthirteen years slips and then one year sober and he tells me this lie abouthim, something's been telling himself all the time. I had thirteen years andyou had nothing. You had nothing, you weren't sober. You weren't soberthe way old timers think about sober, emotional sobriety. Real problem with alcoholiccorded to the next frontiers emotional sobriety. The real problem with alcoholics, youknow, with you know what Bill Wilson said, is unhealthy dependencies. Youdidn't understand how screwed up you were, or how what bad shape you wereor how do you was, because if you understood how you were still underthe lash of alcoholism and any second you could have gone push your crave.You would understood that and if you understood that, above everything, you hadto get rid of or else you would die, and God makes that possible, you'd have fifteen years now. And you went up drag but you wereunder a misapprehension because people tell you don't worry about the God thing. Theysaid, Hey, don't driven, go to means, everything will be okay, and that's what they do. You brought into and you didn't realize,where you were in the room, that there are a whole bunch of peoplethat were saying, I drank up to two years, I drank up tofive years, I drank up to ten years, and there was one guywho had like thirty or forty years. They was talking about an emotional sobrietywas the mentioning alcohol. He was talking about the sickness and the craziness hesee. He was talking about the real disease that centers in your mind onyour body. Right. So I'm an end with this story. I waslike the end with a true story. But these, all these stories,here's the great thing about these stories that...

...happen in our lives that they allteach us something, don't they? Some of the stories, some of thestories teach us something and then five years later, when we tell the samestory, they teach us something else because as we grow our perception changes.We get a new perception because repeumlations. It's a man. So this storytells me something, several things. It may tell you something five years nowyou may think about the story, may tell you something else, but it'sabout our disease. I was working real late. I did eight years onrelay. Relay. Is What happens is if you called Day County, FloridaAa, you called a a three o'clock in the morning every any I workedrelay from from not like nine or eight o'clock at nine on Friday night,until like nine o'clock the next morning, not side. So for a twoyears of anybody called up alcoholics, anonymous, two o'clock in twenty, three o'clockin the morning, four o'clock in the morning, looking for help.They got me, which is why, over an eight year period of time, nobody got sober. I don't like I don't like people disturbing him.You know what I mean. You know in the big book it says thisone line. It says our first example is a friend, shall we callJim. This man has a charming wife and family. He and he inherita lucrative gordmobile agency. He had a commendable world war record. He's agood salesman. Everybody Likes Jim. He is an intelligent man, normal sofar as we can see, except for a nervous disposition. That's me.I've got a little bit of a nervous this position. This is a littleproblem. That so mom on real lay one night and I got a callfrom a gown and she's physically soler and it's two o'clock in the morning andshe says my name is so and so, and I said, yes, Ican help you. Sus Listen, I am a nurse. As amatter of fact, I am more than a nurse. I have I'm adoctorate. I have a doctorate in nursing, a PhD in nursing, okay,and I teach nursing and I supervised nurses and I'm under PRN which,if you know anything about that, that's she's apparently got into trouble with drugsor alcohol, whatever it is, and so she's being supervised. And I'ma single mother with a child. And and he says, and I haven'thad a drink in a year. But but yesterday I says I had adrinker. He says that I am very, very concerned. He says, youknow, I'm I want you to know I'm obviously very you know,well read, very educated. I've been to treament, I very on,I've got a PhD and and I need to know because if I drink andthey find out, I'll lose my license, I'll lose my child, I'll losemy job, I'll lose everything. So I need to ask you forhelp, if you could help me and give me some guidance, he says. But there's only one thing. I don't want to hear anything about AlphaAholics, anonymous. So I said, well, listen, and I hadabout seven years a time. I said, listen, we got two problems,two problems. That's the first problem is this. You know, I'mseven years sober. I'm going to turn it myself. I'm professional guy andthe problem is I couldn't stop drinking and I came to Aa and I stoppeddrinking and the only thing I've done is not try to go to meetings,work the steps and do the problem of a a and that's why I'm sober. So if you get on the phone with me and you ask me forPlan B, I don't got a plan be. There's no conversation because Idon't plan B. She says, I understand that. He says, well, what's the second problem with? I said, well, the second problemis you called alcoholics anonymous, an example...

...of alcoholic brilliance. That's why we'reso that's the disease of alcoholism. That's why we drink again because we're crazy. And the one of the keys to seem exactly where the disease is andhow we're crazy. Even now, I need to see how I'm crazy.Now, with three years, I'm crazy. Down, with five years, I'mpretty you know the alcoholbiupten. She was all squarely every one year.I said how much time gives is? I got one year. I saidyou got one year and you're crazy and you depressed. I said, yeah, this is that's what one year feels like. It is that. Don'tpat it. I said you're exactly where is. I mean sometimes we needto understand. You think you put the blood in the drug and you thinkeverything's going to be wonderful. I'm never gonna have a bad moment. Someteam times you need to hear. Listen. You're experiencing the DIS ease, butyou called me and I noticed you haven't had a drink. Says No, I says you're doing great. You know, you don't work the Probo. This is going to work. Sometimes we need to hear. We needto learn as we go along. Keep on learning what the disease looks likeand what the fourth step is. The first step. One of the thingsis that's the spotlight into what how crazy is. It's the learning experience asto how crazy you are. The first step in getting out of jails knowwhen you're in jail in the first place. Okay, you figured it out therein an alcoholic jail. So you get that taken care of. Nowyou got to figure out about the lust jail. Now you got to figureout about the the envy jail and the Greek jail and the vanity jail.And why can't I have this? Why can't I own this? You know, I got to figure out about all those other jails and bondage that you'refighting with. That all part of alcoholism. You know, let me tell yousomething, a good looking redhead, for me it's like a bottle ofscotchwo legs. You know, you guys don't know what it's like. Letme tell you happen. Broken Heart. You know me knows about a brokenheart. So thank you very much. God Blessing.

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