AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 4-Intro at the 12 Step House 5/27/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 4-Intro at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 5/27/2021

Okay, my name Rustin's pets. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, I'm here for the cake. I don't know. Wow, it's great to see everybody here. It's great see Andre I've known him for seven years, you know, and it's wonderful to see new people and people that are just coming in and just love being here. This is more like the twelve step room. If I remember, I've been going step series here for over thirty years, every year for thirty years. And and if I remember correctly, this is like the oldest step meeting. They used to announce this was the oldest step meeting in the state of Florida something. I don't know what it is, but I mean it's like been around for doing it for longer, and I'm forty years sober. It's been longer than I've been sober. So it's been around for a long time. So it's a great privilege to be here and we're going to do a little something on it. They said it's a fourth step thing and I'll I'll mention the fourth step. Hey, I mentioned it, qustion. That's IT, Mitchell. You know, we've been talking about the insanity and all sorts of stuff of alcoholism and the real deal that you guys going to be working on. You know, because they have to. You stop drinking. You know what you find out is about. You find out about the real disease. You Work for fifteen, twenty years drinking and you find out they after twenty, twenty, five years of drinking, whatever it is, you finally find out that you are a dick to the alcohol. You can't stop drinking. You got an alcohol problem and you walk into a a and and after listening to a few people, if you're lucky enough, if you're blessed enough, you say my name is sold soon I'm an alcoholic and you say I'm home, I'm home, and you stop drinking and it's all wonderful. And then, after a few months, you find out that that's not even the problem. You find out you're crazy. You don't know how crazy you are, but you really don't. It's impossible to see how crazy you are because you can't learn about crazy until you experience crazy over a long period of time under different circumstances. You have to go through love affairs and be crazy. You got to go through being broken and being crazy. You got to go through disappointments and being crazy. You got a lot of meet a lot of shitty people and be crazy. You got a lot of meet a lot of people that are not shitty but you think they're shitty and be crazy. That's the wrongdoings of others, fancied or real. That's like imaginary shit. You got to go crazy over imaginary shit. And after ten or fifteen years and you get at you get a sort of glimpse of the size of the craziness you know, and you and you hear a few speakers. Man, that guy's crazy, and you said, Shit, I was doing that last week and you sort of like all call is less until they you understand. And then all of a sudden you've got like all of a sudden that ten years sober, you finally see the second step for what it is. We see that we have there's a power being ourselves that can restore us to sanity. And he said I was always looking at the power ratter than us and all I never looked at the fact that I was insane. That that's I was insane. You know, you got a call from somebody today who was a year sober and they were going crazy. You know, one of the things that happens is when, after a while, you sort of it's you learn this stuff experientially. You can't learn it logically. You can't learn it logically because to learn it logically you would have to run through raise this your brain. Now, let me try to explain this as...

...simply as I can. If you're crazy, running through your brain does not work, because you see the real problem. Without PAC drinking is just a symptom of the disease. Why is that Guy Drinking? Because he's crazy. So you stopped drinking and the craziness doesn't go away. You just stuck getting arrested for Dui and then three or four or five or six years or ten years out of the road, whatever it is that it, it's you. You look back and you realize that the craziness that you feel, the fear you feel, the hatred you feel, the resentment you feel, the tenzero thoughts that run through your mind that a million miles brow, are all bad thoughts about yourself and other people. The spending money, you don't have to buy shit, you don't need to impress me. You don't like the comparing your inside with other people's outsides and saying, nobody could understand the how can I even talk about I can't talk. You know all the crazy machinations of your mind. You know, you realize somehow. Wait a second, I've been like this ever since I was eight years old, and you realize that you were an alcoholic before you started drinking. You were just waiting for the key substance, whether it be cocaine, alcohol, whatever, so that you could go from crazy to Latou say, I know what blotto is. I drank for the noble art of getting bombed. I did. Now, listen, it is true. I initially drank to get to that feeling, that spot where I really didn't give a shit what other people think about me. But the truth is, earlier on I always seem to overshoot that spot. You know what I mean. I would go from really feeling good to Blotto, and then after a while I would start drinking. I would go like straight to Blatta, like express the Blatta. But you want US something. That was okay, because you want us something, because blotto was a lot better than down here on the fucking planet with all the idiots, young stilling, I'm saying. And the problem was not the drink, the drinking. The drinking became the problem, the biggest problem. So it started thinking was the problem. The problem was my thinking. And so what happens is you come in here and you stop drinking and now you're stuck with the thinking and the thinking and the thinking. And if you're an alcoholic, one of the great things about alcohol is the reason I drack this because no woman, is no car and no amount of money, no boat. Know, nothing ever worked quite as well and quite as fast as just a few drinks works fast for me, you know. And Sobriety in AA and the program doesn't work as fast as Scotch. You may have to go for to three hundred and seventy meetings over a period of two years to get the same feeling that you know, like a bottle of Scotch is going to get like five seconds. You know what I mean. You may have to go through a lot of pain. But what happens is, as you go through these experience is you know. And and the problem is if you don't deal with the alcohol Ismm the is mm. If you only deal with the drinking, if you come a day only for the drinking, without question, you will drink again and so you come in here and you hear people say things like this, I had seven years and then I drank, or guy told me that. He says you don't have thirteen years and then I drank. I got I had six months and then I drank. I got twenty years and then I drink. And you realize that for every two thousand or Threezero people you meet who came in here and got sober, physically sober, over a period of years or months or whatever. So they can't blame the drinking on the fact of...

...the craving, you know, because the craving is it that drink, then you have another drink, you have another drink and everything like that. They can't blame the drinking on the fact that they crave because they had a drink, because because right before they took the first drink at ten years, they were sober. And so you realize the problem of alcohol is that they have a state of mind where they're at restless, EARBIL and discontented sober. So the problem is you're going to drink even if you're sober, if the only thing you're working on is not drinking. Now, to be sure, the first month, the first two months, the first six months, the first year, they're handing out so many medallions for not drinking, the celebrating not drinking so much. Yeah, yeah, Freddy, you killed three nuns and a boose. You know what I mean, and you're rape to check in. That's true, but you didn't have a drink today. Didn't know. Hey, you're a winner. Let me tell you something. It is true. It's all about don't drink, even if gass falls off and you start thinking it's only about the drinking, and a magical thing happens, no matter what you go through, no matter how bad it is, no matter how bad you feel, you can't sleep, you can't sleep, you got your going nuts, you don't drink and somehow, some way, you spiritually change. But the truth is there does come a time, and every alcoholics life and a real big time, when it gets around the sixth step that separates the men from the boys, or, and said the men from the boys, so the women from the girls, the ones that are going to drink from the ones who are not going to drink. See what the sixth step really is is exceptate. You know how the six step says, this is the step that separates the men from the boys. This is the step that separates those that will not make it and not be rocking in the fourth dimension existence from the ones that will. I mean, that's just I'm just on the APP for four years. That's just the truth. And even if you somehow get to the point where you have twenty years sobriety, physical sobriety, you won't be experiencing much of heaven. You won't be rocked in the fourth dimension of existence, you won't lose fear of people in the economic insecurity, you'll just be dry. And that's been my experience in alcoholics anonymous. For every two, threezero people you meet that has gets sober, and everybody gets sober and a A. I mean I don't know everybody, but you know the truth is most people come here gets ober for months, six months, a year or something like that. For every two thousand, a three thousand, there's maybe one guy who's got thirty years. and not everybody has thirty years, has thirty years contented sobriety because they're not working on the DIS ease, because they're delusional, because they're insane. So I have this book which I now assume everything in it is the truth. Let's make believe, since this is an a meeting, that everything in the book is the truth. Wouldn't that be amazing? How about this? Let's try this for the next whatever it is, ten weeks or many weeks. I'm doing this thing. No matter what you think in your wonderful brain and whatever. I think that the big book is right. It's the basic text, it's the book we all agree on. Right. So let's assume that if we have a choice between what you think and what the big book says, we're going to go with the big book. For instance, the big book says half measures availing US nothing. Zay've ever said that, seeing that you think, this is what you think. Half measures availue fifty percent. I'm telling you, that's what you said. That's what the six steps all about. People who settle people. Get off my ass. I'm sober. Don't. But you know, well, there's a great if you get my email, there's a great...

...essay on the that was written. s called the strong to cut cubb of tea and said with a start, going downhill and getting warded down is when alcoholics realized. Realized, because we're very smart and we're very lazy and we walk at everything. You know what I mean. When alcoholics realized for the first time that they could stay sober and they didn't have to do any of this shit, listen to me right when when a first start, it was low bottom drugs, they thought they were going to die. They wouldn't let him get into the rooms unless they got on their knees and ask God's Hell. And when they got in their knees they were praying, they were using the bibles of but they found absolutely it's that they were finatic all, they were crazy. It was none of this well, very spoke about God stuff, because you didn't get in until she got down in the knees and Gabriel, and you know, that's the way it was. That five, ten, fifteen years later, people coming in hospital ever come and they started realizing alcoholics aren't stupid, that people were staying sober and not doing the fourth step. We were staying sober and not doing the fifth step. People are staying sober and going only one to two meets a week. They're not going to be in Stal I'm people were saying. Once alcoholics realized that they could stay physically sober, and they were here to stay staphysically sober and you couldn't talk to him, you can't say you got's our chief characteristic, this defiance, a chief characteristic, this defiance. So you say no, alcoholic, well maybe you should go. And he says, Hey, get on my back. I haven't had a drink in two years, I haven't had a drink of three years. I'm not drinking. You know what I mean to stay on me, get off my back. Have you done for? So I'm working on it. Or you know which is alcohol comb for stay. I ain't never going to do it. It ain't never going to happen. Once alcoholics realize that they could stay sober and they were settling for that and they hey, listen, you're raping fifteen chickens and a banana and whatever it is, and he got seven years and don't say and they're gonna they don't care. Hey, come up for you get your medallions, because what we celebrate here is physical sobriety. But the bottom line is is that after a while, the bottom line and the bottom line is is nobody gets away with anything. That's right. Nobody gets away with anything. You you can run that horse only so far and then the drinking happens. So the divorce happens, so the jail happens, so the something happens. And so this guy calls me up today and he says, and this is true story, we're not going to tell about the four step now. I'm going to do that next week when I have more time, but we're going to talk about something. So the guy calls me up and he says, I thirteen years in the I drank and don't have a here. Because, let me tell you, let me tell you something. This disease, remember, we said the big books right. It says here's the real disease, here's the real disease. And I'm not pointing my finger at you, but I am, because you're an AA and you say your alcoholics, and I'm an alcohol and this is what the book says. It says you're selfish, yourself centered, driven by a hundred from here, your self delusional. You know what means to be delusional. Your alcoholics, like food, regular or not, your way of thinking seems normal to you. It's normal. It's normal for you to feel sorry for yourself. It's normal for you think it's everybody else's fault. It's normal for you to tell people go fuck yourself and not listening. It's normal for you to not keep a clear state. It's normal for you, no matter house what you are, when your wife says to you, if you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you. It's normal for you, so sober, to say what the hell that? That's normal. Listen. That's normal for an alcoholic, for a genius, someone who's a genius, to say when they hear something, they don't like to be confused. Listen. When you're dealing with somebody who the judge or the wife or someone...

...says you do that one more time, you going to jail, they say, what the fuck is he talking about? You know what I mean. And they're sober, they're not drinking. It's not because they have an alcohol problem, it's because they're crazy, and the problem is alcoholics don't understand how crazy they are. So it says we're selfish, we're self centered. Would you're a hundred forms of fear. We're delusional. We step on a topes of others. They retaliate. See me without provocation. We have no idea why this is happening. To us, an alcohol the self will run right, though we usualize. I think so, because he's made decisions, he's learned based upon self, which puts them in a position to be hurt. So, aside, above everything, we must get rid of the selfishness. But how can you get rid of something when you don't even know what it is? How do you get rid of a selfishes when you don't think they're selfish, when you think you're basically a good guy, when you basically evil, you know, and left your own door? Well, well, I ask my sponsor what that paragraph many says. What it means is you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. And I understand that because I thought I was a basic and Nice I. I mean I would tell me, I says, I'm not at all Hitler, I'm not a murderer. That's pretty much my standards, by the way, you know, and we tell ourselves stop that. So the guy with thirteen years who drank and we and we're very well defended. God forbid you go back up to an alcoholic that hasn't been slammed on to his knees or is facing life from prison and try to tell him something about himself. Get Ready, he's going to tell you everything he knows about your mother. You know what I mean? It's going to happen. We're not really nice to people when it comes to people telling us about ourselves. We have to learn the hard way. So this guy says to me, says I got thirteen years, I have thirteen years, and then I drank and he said, and now I got to hear and I said, yet, thirteen years in the turnk. You said, yeah, it'said. So so, yeah, I was stuck sober thirteen years. And I say to him this, because I'm sober a long time and I'm not the smartest guy in the world. I know a little bit about the disease. I said, you weren't sober. He says, no, I was sober. I said no, you wanted sober. Let's know, I was sober. He says, I said you were not sober. Listen to me. Sober people who have thirteen years do not drink. Do do not drink. Do you understand that? Because if sober people drink, then we're all in a shitload of dry. Sober people drinks one so many people don't drink. He was dry. He was dropped. You were dropped. You were, you were, when you're saying you were physically sober but you weren't spiritually sober. You are mentally sober, you weren't emotionally sober. You weren't, or else you wouldn't have drank, and he says, well, yeah, I guess you're us as well. I did get complacent. Well, I was a little complaint. I wasn't. Then all of a sudden the truth starts coming out. I stopped going in a yeah, blah, blah, gold all of a sudden, but be in it all of a sudden when confronted, and he listens and he learns, and that's the other thing you need is at all. Not only do you have to have the sickness now on, you have to be physically sober, but you have to be experiencing all sorts of problems and bullshit that's affecting you so badly that you're going nuts, that you realize you're crazy. And then the next thing is you got to be in a position where you're surrounded by mentors or sponsors or rooms where you can say letter and they can say whatever they say to point you in the right direction, which may take months or years. So this guy's been telling it. He's delusional. He's been telling this is the story he's...

...and this is why the fourth step is so important, because we are delusional. We look back on our lives, when we tell ourselves lives, we realize is what it says. We realize that we have made decisions based upon self, which puts us in a position to be heard. And the truth is you can get sober physically, but you don't quite understand why you're in the Jackpoton you're in. When my sponsor said to me, your best thing, on your best they got you in this Cham, when my sponsors said it was you know as much about life as dog knows about his father. Well, my sponsors said, how do you do shit you do? Why do you say the crap you say? And I said, well, that's just my personality, and he said, well, you got to get rid of that personality because that's what's killing you. I understand what the hell he was saying, because I was a lawyer, I was successful, I made money, I had a wife, I had a child, had a home which I left and I burnt commentage at alcoholics. A men, when we are out to destroy themselves. Here's the problem. I had everything. I'm brilliant, I'm wonderful. Based upon what the world thinks, I'm looking good and I'm a fucking basket case. So I got who's making all the decisions of my life? Oh yeah, that was me. So and I have no idea, and that's part of the four that's what we're going to get into next week we talk about foreign father. I got to have some sort of clear understanding. Is Okay, you're saying on crazy. You're saying I'm making this is your based myself. I need to see what that looks like. I see it to a certain extent when people talk, a guy tells the story. I did this, I did oh man, I do that. Oh Man, I did that. I knew that. But I need to sit down, need to map it out so I can see, Holy Shit, I really amn't say I need to get the point where I was feeling. I was feeling like I was a victim. I'm a victim. Why are they treating me like this? To get the point, says, man, I can't be leaeve that people are still talking to me. I was such an asshole. I need to see this thing for really what it is, and that's what the fourth step is all about. So it's like I'm telling this guy with thirteen years, I said, you were never sober, you know, you were drying. That's what you were. You were drying. You were just waiting for a drink. And he said he and he says. This is what he says. This man, you're right, he under it's like it's like this thirteen years slips and then one year sober and he tells me this lie about him, something's been telling himself all the time. I had thirteen years and you had nothing. You had nothing, you weren't sober. You weren't sober the way old timers think about sober, emotional sobriety. Real problem with alcoholic corded to the next frontiers emotional sobriety. The real problem with alcoholics, you know, with you know what Bill Wilson said, is unhealthy dependencies. You didn't understand how screwed up you were, or how what bad shape you were or how do you was, because if you understood how you were still under the lash of alcoholism and any second you could have gone push your crave. You would understood that and if you understood that, above everything, you had to get rid of or else you would die, and God makes that possible, you'd have fifteen years now. And you went up drag but you were under a misapprehension because people tell you don't worry about the God thing. They said, Hey, don't driven, go to means, everything will be okay, and that's what they do. You brought into and you didn't realize, where you were in the room, that there are a whole bunch of people that were saying, I drank up to two years, I drank up to five years, I drank up to ten years, and there was one guy who had like thirty or forty years. They was talking about an emotional sobriety was the mentioning alcohol. He was talking about the sickness and the craziness he see. He was talking about the real disease that centers in your mind on your body. Right. So I'm an end with this story. I was like the end with a true story. But these, all these stories, here's the great thing about these stories that...

...happen in our lives that they all teach us something, don't they? Some of the stories, some of the stories teach us something and then five years later, when we tell the same story, they teach us something else because as we grow our perception changes. We get a new perception because repeumlations. It's a man. So this story tells me something, several things. It may tell you something five years now you may think about the story, may tell you something else, but it's about our disease. I was working real late. I did eight years on relay. Relay. Is What happens is if you called Day County, Florida Aa, you called a a three o'clock in the morning every any I worked relay from from not like nine or eight o'clock at nine on Friday night, until like nine o'clock the next morning, not side. So for a two years of anybody called up alcoholics, anonymous, two o'clock in twenty, three o'clock in the morning, four o'clock in the morning, looking for help. They got me, which is why, over an eight year period of time, nobody got sober. I don't like I don't like people disturbing him. You know what I mean. You know in the big book it says this one line. It says our first example is a friend, shall we call Jim. This man has a charming wife and family. He and he inherit a lucrative gordmobile agency. He had a commendable world war record. He's a good salesman. Everybody Likes Jim. He is an intelligent man, normal so far as we can see, except for a nervous disposition. That's me. I've got a little bit of a nervous this position. This is a little problem. That so mom on real lay one night and I got a call from a gown and she's physically soler and it's two o'clock in the morning and she says my name is so and so, and I said, yes, I can help you. Sus Listen, I am a nurse. As a matter of fact, I am more than a nurse. I have I'm a doctorate. I have a doctorate in nursing, a PhD in nursing, okay, and I teach nursing and I supervised nurses and I'm under PRN which, if you know anything about that, that's she's apparently got into trouble with drugs or alcohol, whatever it is, and so she's being supervised. And I'm a single mother with a child. And and he says, and I haven't had a drink in a year. But but yesterday I says I had a drinker. He says that I am very, very concerned. He says, you know, I'm I want you to know I'm obviously very you know, well read, very educated. I've been to treament, I very on, I've got a PhD and and I need to know because if I drink and they find out, I'll lose my license, I'll lose my child, I'll lose my job, I'll lose everything. So I need to ask you for help, if you could help me and give me some guidance, he says. But there's only one thing. I don't want to hear anything about Alpha Aholics, anonymous. So I said, well, listen, and I had about seven years a time. I said, listen, we got two problems, two problems. That's the first problem is this. You know, I'm seven years sober. I'm going to turn it myself. I'm professional guy and the problem is I couldn't stop drinking and I came to Aa and I stopped drinking and the only thing I've done is not try to go to meetings, work the steps and do the problem of a a and that's why I'm sober. So if you get on the phone with me and you ask me for Plan B, I don't got a plan be. There's no conversation because I don't plan B. She says, I understand that. He says, well, what's the second problem with? I said, well, the second problem is you called alcoholics anonymous, an example...

...of alcoholic brilliance. That's why we're so that's the disease of alcoholism. That's why we drink again because we're crazy. And the one of the keys to seem exactly where the disease is and how we're crazy. Even now, I need to see how I'm crazy. Now, with three years, I'm crazy. Down, with five years, I'm pretty you know the alcoholbiupten. She was all squarely every one year. I said how much time gives is? I got one year. I said you got one year and you're crazy and you depressed. I said, yeah, this is that's what one year feels like. It is that. Don't pat it. I said you're exactly where is. I mean sometimes we need to understand. You think you put the blood in the drug and you think everything's going to be wonderful. I'm never gonna have a bad moment. Some team times you need to hear. Listen. You're experiencing the DIS ease, but you called me and I noticed you haven't had a drink. Says No, I says you're doing great. You know, you don't work the Probo. This is going to work. Sometimes we need to hear. We need to learn as we go along. Keep on learning what the disease looks like and what the fourth step is. The first step. One of the things is that's the spotlight into what how crazy is. It's the learning experience as to how crazy you are. The first step in getting out of jails know when you're in jail in the first place. Okay, you figured it out there in an alcoholic jail. So you get that taken care of. Now you got to figure out about the lust jail. Now you got to figure out about the the envy jail and the Greek jail and the vanity jail. And why can't I have this? Why can't I own this? You know, I got to figure out about all those other jails and bondage that you're fighting with. That all part of alcoholism. You know, let me tell you something, a good looking redhead, for me it's like a bottle of scotchwo legs. You know, you guys don't know what it's like. Let me tell you happen. Broken Heart. You know me knows about a broken heart. So thank you very much. God Blessing.

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