AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 7 months ago

Russell S. Step 3 at the 12 Step House 5/20/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 3 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 5/20/2021

...pivity. Money is Russell facts onan alcoholic. I'm sen here. Actually, you got it. Well, Phillissitting there. Okay, trying to get fifty. I'm kind of multicast. You got to watch out about. Okay, I'm going to talk alittle bit about multitasking. How many people not a multicast? How many people? I? Let me just say this. I have found a drink since Iwas since years ago, something like that. January aptments. I seeeighty. Thank you. I love Stei's my sponsory, but you think she'smy sponsor's might be. I'm old and seventy two. It's over. Igot a couple of weeks like you're like my secretary, but I want themso proud of being here and you guys starting, new guys, and firstof all, for the new guys, ignore everything I'm about to say,okay, because I say some strange shit and you know you'll come back toa relay meeting a real good speaker in that work APP remarking. I waswatching. You know, they say you're not doing this. They say thechief characteristic of alcoholics is the finest. Did you know that? That's whatthey say? That's there the books. That characteristic. Like to tell people, you know, fuck off, you know what I mean, and justlike to do it. You know, not because you don't like and soI was watching the whole thing. It really hurts me, I don't hurtsa lot of people, when you see people that one guy drove down fortyfive minutes from wherever the heck bus and he's been waiting for forty five minutesto get a seed. And they're only allowed to people when here they hassend out a whole bunch of people to another room where zoom and I knowyou don't like to see people taken out of him and a meeting in it. But it did remind me that my I watched the whole thing and everybodywas relatively peak fole. It was a end of us, no cars burnedor MOLOCO cocktails. But it didn't remind me how how much alcoholics enjoy followingrules. So that's so good. So there's a lot of people that multitaskright. How many people sometimes when they're on zoom? Any of you guysever Gone Doo means underly. I love Zoomians. Not. I would.I had a five ze means damn like a zoom creak. So you knowwhat's it's thinking about. Jom Me, I love these kind of meetings tothe something you know when school. I do thirty one years old now.Just love. But you know, see something somebody put up today that zoomeeting says is when I'm going to meet mean I'm maybe watching the speaker andI see like seventy five heads back of the back of the heads when Iwas doing my see something five. Basically, I have like an intimate relations ofme. I think it's one of the thing we have that to you. But you multi task in sort of folky task. You have you everever seen and the cards and but they're also texting. You ever see that? or You ever you ever had a meeting tomb or something that you're alsochecking green animal, checking Your Bank accounting? You ever find you ever people,how many people are pretty good at multipasking do about three or four thingsat the same time. You know how many people ever got went to ameeting or your got with amy, but you're also but as you're think,listening to the speak, you're also thinking about other till you ever ever goingto meet me where you like listening to the sneaker, but at the sametime you're thinking about your girlfriend, your boyfriend, you haven't had sex inten years, whatever the hell it is, your bank account, the build that'scoming up and everything. You ever know how many people think are sortof like proud of their ability to do like three or four different things atthe same time? You know you like me. God bless you. What'syour name, emily? Our men are Carmel Camel. She twenty three yearsold. Holy he's like a eight or nine O. God bless you.I love see children and Mommy's. I see Mommy's. That it. Maybeyou know my mom was an alcoholic and I'm going to talk a little bitabout my mother passing away, which you may not think has anything to dowith the third step, but you're gonna have to trust me. It's alot to do so. And so I love see moms. Is My momwas an alcoholic and I grew up in an alcohol home, and you don'thave to grow up in an alcohol home to be an alcoholic. I wantto know that. But it helps in the emotionally disturbed. You know Seconin town. You know, if you want to have grave emotional method disorders, you want to make sure. Growing up in an alcohol alwhere at threeluck, where there's a lot of dishes,...

...you know, being any both thewalls, stuff like that, and so it peats on edge. Butany event, here's the deal. I so I love seeing mothers today.So when I've been doing these steps series for ever, since I was fouror five years ober, for I used to do for like twenty years orsomething like that, until the covid thing get oun't think I'm not sure Idid last year. I can't remember whether I did last channel thinks so.So it really is good to be here. This is one of the rooms Ireally like enjoy being at. And so here. You know what Iwhen I first started doing a step series, I used to bring all these booksfrom it big book of the Twelve and twelve and everything I could bringhere because, you know, if you have to speak sort of like anor something like that, you want to make sure you're well equipped. Yougot all this stuff you run out of words and stuff like that. Andand I think there's a possibility, a possibility, that I was worried aboutscrewing up. I think it was possibly I was worried about screwing up,you know, when I was about three years sober. By the way,this this is this is supposed to be on step three, but don't holdme to it. And here's the deal. Somebody ask me what step on ontonight. I said, don't put any pressure on the you know Imean. You know, I mean much wants you to say. You know. Your problem it's your expectations is so high. You would expect people toact and do will be a certain way and then when they don't do exactlywhat you wanted to do, you get pissed off. You know, it'smight just sort of lower your expect so I'm going to talk about something forabout forty five minutes, an hour and I don't think anybody's got to drinkduring that our time. We're going to walk out here and they have something. Step Baby, notfen. But but the deal is is that when Iwhen I was first, when I first started doing the steps, I goto these means I do. I talk about the thing minutes and I passedit around the room and I talk about the staff. You know, afterI gone through the steps and I read something out of the twelve and twelve, I read some out of the big book. That something with the staff. And you know, I did it because at that time the steps thatwe were very discreet. It was step one and it was step too,and then there was step three. You know, you said, Oh,I think it's I just did a third stay. And then I'd help somebody. Somebody would ask the questions the room and I'd help, not as towho, and then maybe I'd apologize somebody saying I'm sorry, I did that, I was wrong. I hope just did or nine. I mean,it was so it was. They were so different and so distinct. Andso, you know, it says it says they you gotta, we gottasort of adopt the way of living which demands riggings. Honestly, people thatcan't get here, people that can't, you know, grow and some away of living. It's a way of life. It's like the body.I've never seen the movie good follows. Good follows that move with about themob and people of there. They say, you know, it's a lifestyle.So life, you know of life and and so apparently survived is likea way of life. And so I was doing these steps, but theywere different. The steps are counter intuitive bit different than the way I usedto think. And so it's very when I was doing a Septem very clear. This is a step, part of this step to this, the threehere's were here what you do, and as I kept on going along inlife and going to different steps series and learning from different people and wanting whatthey had and trying to grow and and you know, I do this likeeverybody else to do it. You know, you you succeeding, you fail.You succeeding, I fail, just succeeding you. For how do weget a new perspective? By Big reliations and a final question of our selfsufficiency. Your fly and I one day, the next day you want to shootyourself. You know, one day you're all you're up, then you'redown, then you're up, then you're dam then you're up, then you'redown, and then comes the next hour. You know what I mean. It'slike you know, you're just, you're just like nuts trying to you. You feel like you're running around like a chick with your head shopped off. You're running around me to going here. You don't dig bakes. Got Sixteenthousand voices in your mind, all talking bad shit about yourself and otherpeople trying to figure out what's going on and you think you're going crazy,but you ultimately realize that, pray that one day period of time, orwhatever the heck it is, you haven't had a drink and you realize,although you look cut, run around looking like you didn't have anything, thatwas all everything you was still we're doing. Was it different meetings, talking tosponsors, or you're talking to people or making talk? You doing somethingand it looks like you're a chick with your head shopped off, but ifyou are, you're like a chick with your head chopped off, but butdoing a and somehow you don't drink and you don't even realize you're growing.You don't see yourself growing, you know you don't. Your push tribe isthe Holy Spirit in Trys. It's like...

God Inchi and he doesn't have youon the shoulder because the way God he doesn't say it's not like he wantsyour opinion. N Stand what I'm saying. Allowed you to. I get youyour life for a long pair of time. Party. You guys don'tlook like spriend checkers. I mean I'm like, I'm a see that likea l to four year olds and you're open here and you've got nice frommany tears. Were allowed to run your own life and do whatever that workat. Okay, so, so take a boat on that. So thebottom line is so, so, like God moves in and he's thought ofmoving, moving around the furniture, but he doesn't. He doesn't necessarily askyour permission and sometimes he works at night and sometimes he works in ways thatyou don't understand, and sometimes when you think, I'm Dune in here,my life is over. Why is this happening? You don't understand that,when you think is the horrible thing, he should go to move the furniture. So you want a trade for the next three weeks. He's done somethingyour life to move athort or something around, so that you say sober and youdon't even see it's happening because you know something, because you've made adecision, and you don't even know what's happening. You know and you're tryingto you you know, they tell you you can manage your own life.God, you're trying to manage your life. You know, you thinking of there'sall there's no human power to relieve just that. But you're really you'rereally look talking, looking for that guy or that Gal or something that's goingto help you get through, because you think it's a human path that's goingto do it or something like that. And so the bottom line is thatwhen I first started doing the steps, you know, I remember I wasasked by Harry rawls in the car room. She said I'd like to give thesteps of car room and I said to her I said I said sure, I can do such in the car room. Says, now I gotto tend to something, Russell, when we do the steps of the CarlGables Group. Coming back off for a second, do I do these things? Pizza sides? I shouldn't do them, but I can't help it. Somethingcomes up. You month called up the car cast. I forget.So what happens is this? I did I did the third step. Igave it. You know now I'm not. I'm not like a big believe.When I came in, understand what I'm saying now is true story,and I told my story, you know, and I'm December twenty one, twentyfive, Christmas morning, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, I thoughtmy life was over. I there was never going to get better again,and it was three o'clock in the morning. I turned on the TV and therewas a preacher there and he gave any a testimony and he gave upan altar call. It is true that in my particular case, is aparticular case, so long I put my life was over. I got downon my knees and I did wait so many too, which is basically,in my teeth, said of my life, and that's my ben that's what Idid. Nothing committed seemed to happen at that time. Fifteen rabbis ina priest and come down with but don't let's say we got an a meetinggoing on here as math. But I continue to drink for about thirty yearsand then on thirty day I have my last right and I haven't had aprince a hundred and twenty five thanks to anymore. So I can't tell youwhat happened, but something happened at a spiritual experience for that time, andI can't even explain that, and I'm not even going to try to sayI don't things I want to talk about, but somehow I came doing a rule, stood up in front of a bunch of people and I picked upa white shape, which is a humbling experience. It's anybody's ever done that. Instead, I got like me, but God like me, with graduallyfrontments. One is in that man's going for Ph and how the very tropology, who was a division treat from the states, turns office FRY in nerdercases, who thought he was smarter and harder than anybody, used to putpeople in jail like at the drop of the happen, like it, enjoyedit. You know a guy like me, you know a lawyer, forget upin front fifty people who don't even know me and they sally pip likesup and say, I need help. Let me see. I think that'sI think that's the time of my life that no care. I think thatthat is one of the Times in my life. I think I was thehumblest, says, not back the last forty years. I'm trying to getback to that deal. I think I was a humblest in my life whenI put the white Shin in the south are group of get back to thatdeal. You know, it's a humbling experience. I'Ma tell you what's ahumbling experience. I used to sit in the back of a room, inmy throne of content like back there, and I would look at guys likedoing what I'm doing. I'm saying, look at that guy to be listeningto me. I was on my throwing a contempt. That what I need. You Go, man. Yeah, what a bullshit. I know,judging you know, people who think that are people who never do this stuff. Does anybody who's ever if you know anything about people, especially alcoholics,the thing that they're should up almost is public speaking, and I can allyou this. You want a good a meeting, just make sure you bea stent authentic as possible and tell the truth. You know, if you'regoing to bullshit, don't be bullshit. In alcoholics they recognize or shit andonly blowny bullshit and the animal sec nothing...

...gets so transparent as an out betrying to just impress people and act like a big shot and all that bullshit. Understand and but don't realize is anybody who does this kind of stuff,where you speaking at a convention or you speaking in front of a group,knows that the humbliest Hump humblest place can be besides pick up a white shipor maybe helping another alcoholic and sponsor or going on. It's west of calledthe speak in front of a group of people and trying to tell them what'sgoing on with the story is and what's happening, because you love them andyou're trying to help them. You know, that's just the trippers. You know. I just say that per anybody and who you like. I wasn'tsitting in the throne of contempt trying to judge me or judge anybody else.And alcoholics anonymous. You know, that's the guys that really need help.Ask The guys you know who think that they're humble and all they're doing isjudging as people. So any man, I so, Harriet Rawle says tome. So so the way I got it back. So I did mythird set when I was three months over, two or three months. All Ican remember, a long time ago, like forty five years ago, orsomething like forty years ago, whatever it is. I went into mybecause I don't even know why I did it, except I didn't want todrink and I like my sponsor and I want I want to be accept whatever. Who knows? We have mixed motives. Maybe the motives wore good. Iwanted to get better what he had makeing modes were bead. I meantheir own they're bad lot that you do. Maybe I just wanted people ale.I want to be able to say I give back her. Who Cares, you know, I'm an alcohol who knows what the Hell I was thinking. All I know and THRO and I hope the book and I got downon my knees and I said the prayer. The third step. Lock them backin door. God forbid something should walk it off the street and seeme down on my knees. I lock the backing door and that's it.I did my that. I'm done my third step. I made a decision. I said no, I said that. That's what I said the prayer.I made a decision to turn my will and my life of the careof God. And then I got up after throwing in the town. Ithrew in the town and then I snatched it back and I spent the nextten fifteen years rip it off, stress to throw in and see what thatwould satisfine. You know, and and I love me able to say well, and after that I became a believer in God, became the center pieceof my life. You're a great factor is this and nothing less that.If you want to be hot rocking the Fourth Dimension Existence. You know,the bottom line is very simple. All you got to do is make Godthe center piece of their life, the absolute Sele's in your hearts and lives, which in a way, is the packing for yourself, you know,the one you get rid of yourselfishness. God makes that possible. You know, once you make that sincere decision, also, the remarkable things happen.You know, a powfully gives you everything. Waiting to stay post me in performanceworks well. God, God has gone a new basis, the basictrusting, the line upon God. We never apologize for God. All menof friend take that courage. They trust their God at once, they lethim demonstrating their life. But he's doing from that once, at once,at once, here with you me, and I, like men, tellyou not hand talking about because I'm scared of other people. I'm not goingto start with the God thing. I'm not going to be a fanatic aboutthis young star. It sounded like get crazy, like one of these freaks, and then at life, but I'll sit out of on. You know, it's not that money support is just right up there with oxyten, youknow what I mean. And and I'm just going to do that deal andI'm running around it. I'm a basket case and I'm in Stark raving soberand I'm loving it. I'm enjoying that box anonymous in between the Times Iwant to kill myself for some scared shits. So, you know, every oncein a while, like every other day, we can have three fuckingnuts, fifteen facid voice in my mind about what's gonna Happen with this?What's going to happen with that? What's gonna Happen? This all imaginary shit, also because I'm like nuts. And somewhere along the road realize that eventhough I hadn't drest breaking through the months, I might be crazy. Now,at that point it's still in. It didn't. It's still didn't.I still understand the point of the second step. I really did it in. You know, the truth is most it is understanding. We get ana is based upon experience. It's experiential, you know, because when we usewhen I use my brain, when I'm thinking. That's the problem.I've never been upset. I've never been upset, really upset. So wherewas it preceived crazy thinking. I've never dealt with a spurt see or anybody. They who comes up me, who is deemed where was? It precededby a whole lot of things your company says and just happening. You've beenthinking a lot about this. Have a Jesus. Yes, absolutely, stopthinking about it. You know why?...

Because the drinking's got a symptom andthe real disease centers in your mind, like your body. So you canstart stop drinking. How the health? You stop thinking the crazy thought thatyou can't stop your three much the morning you can think about the same thing, but two weeks you've never come up with a solute thing. You thinkabout the same thing, but two weeks say about this, something, aboutthat. If you're lucky, when it gets really, really bad, maybeyou're the big book when you say a parents something all the sudden and youknow you're not drinking, but you know you're crazy and you start realize thefact that the second step is about and storing you to Saturday, because youcan't be restored the Saturday unless you are and the restoring the samity takes along time and you think they're gonna get down. He say take a decisionwith her life. OPE To God that all times wait ripped away and everything'sgoing to be okay. Hold on, Buddy, where do you get tostay? Six and seven? You get down Rogers Stars makes a man withfund and bear with the spirits of walk away with the bunny, walks waywith experience. And the way you're going to get a new perspective is notbecause you're right. Because I was the brightest guy in the world the room. I was the drunkest guy in the room. I's got a left hiswife and kids are self e sky in the world room and I start thinkingabout my lodging because I'm a rationalizer. I tell myself rationalize, tell myselfgoing to give a property. The people think about me when I'm when allI do is think about what other people think about me or what they goingto think about me. And I'm only that other delusion. I think thatpeople are actually thinking about me. Well, I mean, I am nuts.Does everybody knows that? Anybody who was worried about that? People whosay I don't give a proper of the people think about him, or evensay that a lodder, think of themselves about that. All they do isthink about what other people think about them, because people that really don't get properlysay I don't care. They say passed a Blity, but they don'tsay myself. All sorts of stuff that are lots and I believe it andI have a big book and said, and what you get very of theseold ideas, these old ideas that for my personality it's going to be nothing. I'm going to get nothing out of this. I'm not going to change. and Dr Young says it's never been successful. You have the mind yourchronic alcoholic. Have you never been successful? That sort of mine exists. Arethere exceptions? Yeah, what you're in there? What's up? Movement? There are sixceptions. You don't send their phenomena. They're miracles. That'swhat a scientist calls a miracle, phenomenal. We can't explain them. Ideas,emotions and attitudes. That surely your personality. My sponsor, you say, why do you do the Shit you do? Why do you say thisstuck you saying sober. I said, that's just says. Your personality scillingyou. Your personality is killing you. You like multitasking, right. Youthink about a lot of things, do a lot of things in the sametime. Yeah, you're proud of that, since that's going to kill you.The fact that you can't focus on one thing or focus on nothing isgoing to kill you. You know why you're thinking fifteen things at the sametime? Because you're scared, because you're because you're corroded with fear and youdon't even know it. You can't help it. Think all the time,can you? You're a compulsive thinker and you're thinking. The only thing thathappens with the thinker as it makes you feel bad. You're always comparing yourinside to other people's outside. You're saying, why can't I have this? OnlyI had that, only had this, only had the how many had this? What happens at this happened what I'm about happen. You're thinking amillion Ais Pur. You can stop drinking, but you can't stop thinking, andyou're thinking drives are crazy and you're looking for helping that. And youused to drink scotch. Is Not why you drink Scotts Russell. Is thatwhy you drink scotch? It's not why you didn't you. I drank fromthe normal arder getting one. I trank. Here's his way it is. Youcan drink to get to that place of peace and then you can drinkto get blot of blotto. Anybody in said blotto. Somehow, when Iwas drinking to that place of piece, I was shot that shit and gota blot of real things. You know what I mean, because my wayof thinking, he's just sit by the chromograph, you think about all thosegirls that hurt your feelings, you listen to only the Loneli or I missedthe blue or radiations in my days or all that Shit, and you drinkyourself battle and you go to sleep. And that's my wife. And I'man alcoholic. I drink. I drink to get blad of because it's thebest stuff that works against my freaking thinking. That or all spending. I shouldhave press. I'm trying to find, get some poor unsuspecting woman that setedme so I could feel good about myself. But thirty seconds you don'tmean are trying to make money or try to do something. Yeah, listen, I am the Venus fly trap of the Ali by lamp. I allowedLizard. Yeah, let me take something, the bad deal. Yeah, mylife. And so I come to alcoholics anonymous, and I crazy.I'm crazy and I'm spend the next ten years looking about what pretty looks like. Callor two, three weeks section and...

...get the one that what's a realslap. We look like. The first step to get that. He's gotyour telling the first place. So after fifteen years that jam of alcoholism,well, I acohol. I think they called alcoholomous. I mean it's inthe name. The books hold out for the first don't that's month. Whereis that changing? Drink and drinking, and that's sober and you're nuts andyou're having to drink it. Three years it five years over and your crazyand hang your sobering. Your crazy and you're working steps and you're so crazy. Welcome to Alcoholis. You're fifteen, you're sobering, you're crazy and nowyou don't have the booze. It's on crazy youth. You can't get block, so you get plattle of self and so get bottle on women. Soyou have bad blotto. Want the whole romance. So you get drunk andsaid to my sponsor three times that Scots for you. That's a bottle ofstop. That was a bottle of Scotch relay and you wanted some everything isrolls, a bottle of Scotch Lights. For me, everything in this worldand I lost everything in this world. I am convinced I'm an if onlierand yes, for if I only had this. That's my deal. AndBill Wilson sees this thing. Both myself, I'm not sure. With that mehas some do with the world, has some do with climbers and hassome do billboards and some pole movies, as something to do with my weight, as something to do with what I look like, have some do withwhether I have or woman, had something with cars, as a lot todo with cars, you know what I mean. Has a lot of thekind of car you driving, a kind of job you have down much moneyhave and has some do choose and shirts and all sorts of stuff like that. It's worldly climbers and it's not the world the climbers. The worldly comesin there. Is that I I get drunk on. I want to theclimbers. I don't read a mean I'm running looking at the climbers of thetimers. Everybody felling at the planers, except the people in Church, alot of people in Church and prome with God, you know, because Idon't want the God thing. I want the sex thing, I want themoney thing, I don't want the God thing. And I got this bookthat I believe in. I Shay, I'm a good a. The booksays we must, above everything, getting with alcoholism. The selfishness we mustour kills us. The selfishness not to drinking. The drinking has to go, but the selfishness that go, whatever that looks like. I spent tenyears agree out with selfishness, to have selfish I was how bad I wasand we must get verywhere kills us. God makes that possible. And I'mrunning away as fast as I can from God or I'm doing hell, doingokay, the God, the God, they will here going a little hairbut I don't have to turn my life over the terror. Don't ask methe crazy stuff. I ain't going to church. I know they encourage churchmembership. I angle. I know they purge, reading the bottom the bigbook and I'm not doing any that's I'm let me. Okay, I'll holdhands, I'll take the words, I'll say that. I'll do that.L Okay, that's it. And maybe because of that stuff, and maybethink sob fom five to ten years, but the truth matter is I wouldhad a dollar for the thousands and thousands of people they ad met that drankafter five, ten, fifteen, twenty years older. Thousands and thousand peopledrink after a short time, short time, a long time sober. One Guyhas thirty years for every fivezero people drink and not understand why that becausethey go to a they hear all the means. One Guy has thirty yearsand as the one guy that has thirty years. Maybe, I don't know, maybe there's a whole bunch of them that you have certain years that doesn'thave contented sobrieties and rocking in the fourth dimension. Existence has been experienced muchof that. That's why I seen alcoholics anonymous. That's what I see inmyself. That's what I see in my life. So Harry Rowles says tome, he says I want you to do so. I don't know whatthis starts happen is about. I know I did. I got down onmy knees. I don't know what they did anything or not. I'm thinkingit. Maybe it did something, some kind of the steeling. I won'tget rocketed or anything like that. Why would I get rocketed? There wasno difference between myself before I did it, after I did except I did itand doing it had something to do with something. So I get takedoing it and some of it's like a sucking happens. I don't know whathappened. Well, my knows this. Once I did it, it becameeasier to do. Once I get an easier to do once I get it. became easier to say God helped, once I get it. With mysponsors sent to me words like you know Sch that how crazy that, Calton, I was worried about this heats. I'll tell you what. Every timeyou start thinking crazy, and I know we start thinking crazy, you don'tknow you're thinking crazy until you mist in...

...the middle of crazy and you've beenthinking crazy for a long time. What you realize you're going crazy, sayto God, God help me not to think this way. Now there maybe amity. Say if my FFE said say, say to God, Godhelping. Nothing this way. And the next time I found myself in anew crazy I said God, please don't let me think this way and Isnapped out of it. So I don't know there's gotten out, but itwork for me. Sometimes I hadn't say three times for the work for me. I think about your and God, please don't let me think this,but work for me. So if it works, I an argue. Girlsays, look in the Call Room when you do the sex, you speakfor the hour. You understand that, Russell, you s well we aredon't understand. You speak for an hour before your song. Right now you'vebeen doing stuff out this none of these fifteen minutes. That's discussion shit.You know what I mean. You speak for an hour. That yeah,I can do that. So I did the I went to the car roomand I go to my meeting and I'm doing need of the car room andit's like about seventy people in the room and they all got years, liketwenty, thirty years. Wouldn't four years? And I'm doing the third step,something like that, and I just gave them let me take the headbook stacked up. I hadn't there, I was already and I I gaveus. You listen, I can't even do the steps. I can't doanything. Don't even listening. This is all bullshit. You know what Imean? You should have heard me when I had four years. I wasthe fumble. I was man, I was like pin on in base Iwas a Pheeno or something, and I did, I did. I toldthem shit about the third step, nobody's ever heard on the planet. Itwas unbelievable. We started a thirty and I told them thing about the thirdsets. When they're all looking at me, you know, it's like this.Yeah, all looking at me and I and I looked up and Iwas finished and we started a thirty and it was eight o'clock. It wasfunny. You should have been there and I had a half an hour agoand I was out of words. It should only I pray that it happensas a natter back that curse on you. It's going to happen here, becauseit was the way to laugh at it, and I'm sitting there andI had nothing else to say. I've just told them everything I know,but I told him should I didn't know about and they're all looking at meand I'm looking at them because they had to half an hour ago. Ithappens now, by the way, but that's anity. It's having to saynothing to say so, and so thirty seconds goes by and an hour andbecause I can't think of anything, and this is this is the true start, you don't make this shut up. I don't go to like an abook and say tell them this, you know what I mean, and alland I don't know what to do. I'm like in a jam and Isay in my mind, I say God help me, and all sudden Istart talking. For the next day an hour, spoke for half an hourand then I finished. Everybody Class A thank you. Keep coming back thosegreat meeting and I walked that door and friend of my was there and Isaid, you know, like you side, you know, you worried about whatpeople think about that was what I actually worried about. What people photograhthen, you know, but I'll get into I have time. But sobecause I was worried, you know. So I said what are your thing? You all right, it's always great. It's great. Those fantastic. Isaid, what do you think about the you know, when I whenI stopped in the middle of I says, I'm understand were talking. Well,when I stopped talking, you know, about half an hour, and Istopped and thought, I said, I don't know what you're telling isthat how you doing it? It was like a pause, I thought,for I got a manager. Oh, I thought that was some sort oftraumatic poust thing. You know what I mean. Oh, yeah, that'swhat it was. I would be at during needs. So apparently the Godthing and you learned over period of time how we get a new perspective.I repeated humiliations and you get beating down and being down an old thing.The world doesn't help you. All the thinking. The world doesn't help you, and they you go to God. Somehow you go to God. Areyou go to a sponsor? A points you to God or he wants youto a spiritual thing and not a material thing, and all of a sudden, you're thinking, goes and you got through that and you don't drink.Five years, ten years, fifteen years, thirty, forty years, and allof a sudden you're not doing the third step. Alls that, yeah, and that's ten year sober. You got something to strike, the crazyproject to take for a week and your and your farmer can't take it anymorebecause don't have to answer and you'll never have an answer at all. You'rethinking. The world doesn't tell you. So I got that thing out overnightand finally get it easing it. Turn...

...it over. Used to say turnit over. I said, God, I can handle this. I knowwhat's gonna Happen. If they take away my bar license, if they killme, if they do this. I've got cancer for the first second time, if I'm dying or over to you, I'm gonna put in your hands.Somebody says you would happen. What about that cancer thing? What aboutthat that that money thing? What about it? Is just he's like turnit though, I'm not going to think about it. And then one dayyou've been doing it so much and so much and so much you don't evenit doesn't even started in the third step. It becomes a way of life.It's just the way you are. You just start turning all sorts ofcup over and one day you wake up, because you you wake up and youand you think and raked up thinking about God. That's driving the cardin the same hands. You think about God at twelve o'clock. You thinkingabout God. You go to mean as you're thinking about God, to hangaround with people that are also thinking about God, because I was so longtime ago. The person will become, and that's five years and ten pundpeople you hang out with, the books you read, the books you readand on who you hang out with and the thoughts you have with depend onwho you hang out with. And you're hanging out with people in there thinkingabout God and they're talking about God and you got now you think about Godand when you go to a meeting, all you do is talk about Godbecause you way past the point where you give a shit what other people thinkabout because you've not only read the book where it says all men are faithhave courage. We never apologize for God. All matter. Faith have courage.We they trust their God. We never apologize for God. We lethim devastrate our lot, what he could do. And you talk about aname means because you can, because you're no longer worry about what they're goingto think about you. Because, as Bill Wilson said, the Lord hasbeen so wonderful to me. Turn me this couple of things. I gotto keep talking about him and telling other people and you realize that you lostfear what other people think about you, which allows you to talk real pastyou. You know, I let off people built. Well, what dowe think about this? What I think about that? You can just homewith Jock, you within your heart. And so I'm saying and the bookis not just a book anymore, it's the way you think and you noteven read that your you become the big book, Give Cup Peop Book,and so you're not turning things over and your like you're living a turned overlight. And for me, maybe it took two thousand and twenty five yearsgoing premiership and stop worrying about whatever people think about me or what's going tohappen to me and actually finally, finally not only make any decision of tonemy life over to God, but turning my damn life over to God andgetting that six step which separates the babies and the children, because this islike a perfect kindergarten, but some of us want to go to college,you know what I mean. And and what happens is it separates the menfrom the boys and you become one of those people they talk about the inthe sixth step where it says you will do anything. You become ready toturn your will and your life over to the care of God and have themremoving you every defect that keeps someone from you, the when, the money, the whole shit. You know what have you become what the talk about, but also you see the books and the words. Happening is all thosewords not seen before, like a WHO is a mixing a a and anadulter. To grow up is that bad who's entirely cuddly, to grow inthe image and likeness of its creator. And you're not ambassed by that stuff. Just that's big book about bolls anonymously not there. Now you can handlethe big dogs you have with the people that are serious about this shit andyou go into that humbly. Ask Him art and whole life's focused on God'sbecome the Central Pac of your life. Other things come in and all ofa sudden you part yourself. It's scared of. Life is easier. Itdoesn't mean that it's perfect and you don't have problems because you want to sumbut the problems are opportunities to grow. Like the book a, Jamesons causedmany times because they want caused many times and you look to God and youget through it and you don't drink and you don't hurt people and you don'tact out and increases your faith. And the only thing it means to meto have over forty years, sobrieties. I've had forty years of humiliations,forty years of bounce checks, forty years of when the money didn't come in, what's going to happen? Forty years of proclosures, forty years of mywife not understanding me, forty years of everything you can possibly imagine that you'vehad happened in your life. I've happened to me, but only about ahundred and fifty times more, and I've kind of trust in God that manytimes. And so so what does this have to do with? Actually,I've wanted but where I sort of think the third step is really happen somewherearound the sixth. I don't even know how to explain that. And somy life is not real and the whole thing is changed. The whole thinghas changed. where I used to say I've done a food stuff, I'vedone it both. That has done to think that I've done this because theywere so discrete different. I just develot a new way of living which isjust where I live. It's not like I'm doing the steps or act areusing the steps of to. It's just the way I am. It's justthe way I think. It's just the way I think. It's just whatwhatever is all about why I was still...

...and what I think of right insidedrinking. It's just the way I am. I don't want Asso I did thethird time. I'm living in the third steps, the way it is, and I'm an aloholic. Soope you're an alcohol you know that means forme twenty five years. You guys are pretty Sol I'll take you about aweek, don't think a better with the trail, and then you'll do youknow, I'm already you know I'm rocking in the fourth dimension of distance.Something spirits. But when I was thirteen years sober, my mother died.My Mother's an alcoholic. I can for alcohol, but she got sold.So not years of age. I was thirteen years sober. I mean Iwas starting. Yeah, thirteen years older. I was telling US say a meeting. I started thinking about it. What happens is what happens. youstart connecting dots. Everything gets connected. You see connection, spiritual connections.I think that, don't it seems like they have nothing to do with governmentand my mother Don and I remember I handled everything. I handle a funeral. I handled everything, I did, did the whole thing, and Ifound myself later because this happened to a guy who he was talking about andsaying out waking up at two o'clock in the morning with this profound emptiness.I can't even explain it. This this sadness, this sadness, this emptiness, I don't know what a want. It's like this pain in my heartthat my mother was said. I don't know what it is. I'm crazy. I think. I thought my love mother would never die. I never. I never thought my mother would die. I thought I'd be I've been here'sall that my mother would still be alive. You know, say,let me kiss the booboo or something. I don't know what the Hell isand I this in but let me tell you what the deal was. Itwas just painful and hasn't really ever. It's sort of like only say it'sgone away, but with time. You know what I mean? Father died. I'm going to walk in now. It's like, you know, andand, but you want to know something, and this is a weird thing.You know, it wasn't self pity. If it was Selfpity, and I'ma self videoholl look, I would have drain self. Pity leads todeath, leads the drinking. It was. It was I was feeling a Iwas I was missing her and feeling a sadness and neppiness. My lifeclean and sober, clean and sober, and it was. It was aclean sadness, it was a clean I can't explain it. I was ableto warn her and feel sad and and it wasn't selfetting. I feel sorryfor myself, just and and what happened was, I think something snapped inand I think something changed when I experienced that. And this is one thingthat changed with me, and it's changed ever since then. I started takingthis shit seriously. I started church, I started taking seriously tomming, Istarted becoming very, very serious about who I hung out with. It notwasting my time with bullshit, not focusing on them. Let me tell yousomething, it's a long time to grow the fuck up. And Alcoholics andoffice, you know, I used that. That's real. Greely didn't suffer fools. Then I stopped. I stopped, I stopped dealing with the bullshit andI became very, very, very focused on sear at beginning, serious, serious with us. Send to him. Anybody knows to have a SI crazysense of humor because I'm an alcoholic but I became serious about sobriety.There is about growing up, serious about becoming an adult, you know,serious about how I acted, serious about sponsor when people I started going aBible study when I was eleven years sober and going to Bible study for likethirty years towards the church, begin to dig in the drive again. Seriousbecause I'll tell you how you know somebody is by how they act, whothey associate with and what they're doing with their life, not what they sayabout themselves. Serious about raising four children and seven gradual serious about being selfsappointedto my own contributions and Shuder's more serious because I know that we have alimited amount of time. You know, I take my seventy two years oldchances. I'm going to be here ten years now or probably sliming on.I'm I'm a short timing and we really let's face it. I'm not sayingthat me Morbid because I'm not worried about I really not, you know,and it doesn't disturb me or anything like that. Just makes my time serious. My time is serious, who I spend time with. It's here.That's what time to fool around. I'm have time to fool around people thataren't serious. You know what I mean?...

I just don't have time to doit that it just sort of dilettant, sort of hanging around here, youknow, try to score, get laid or something like that. I'mtalking about bullshit, you know. You know that. You know that.That actually has to do with the third that has to do with trust inGod. That has something to do with living a godly life. Let metell you something. It was Chuck Chamberlain said it and I think Sandy Beachsaid he said every problem connected with an alcoholic, every problem. I knowliterally loves it. This is she has. You know, she talks a lot. Every problem is what they said has to do with their connection toGod or disconnects or separation from God, and that's what I kind of betrue. When I'm separated from God for whatever reason, I'm probably seeing onsomething else, some of the US or desire or something like that in theold days from what I used to chase after the old days. When I'mfocused on something else, you know I mean I'm separating from that. He'sgot to be the sent piece of my life. When I'm separated from him, all sorts of bullshit coming to me all sorts of worries, real andimagical. That's what happened. So I sit there and I'm on the computerthis morning because because I'm an alcoholic, and while I'm listening to somebody share, I'm checking my bank accounts, I'm checking the stock mark, I'm checkingthis, I'm checking that. is in marvel sounds so bright. I coulddo seventeen things the same time, like spinning plates, but I'm giving theinside to know. That is the thickness wis. You can't sit there andlisten to somebody share your name without checking out all this other pation I'm in. So I catch myself. This is the second thing. This is thisused to be your way of light. You do this so naturally and youthink it's a cool thing. You know what I mean? When this iswhat's this try? I used to have a spark, Jeff Snyder, andI don't walk there with also the problems that he would quote the palms andhe would say Russell in the Psalm says be still and know that I amGod. Do we quote it over and over there? Still know that it'snot and then, after about five years ago, to we're all sorts problem, he says. He would say you just he was short, he'd sayhe's still. It's a piece. And then you come to think about fivewords like I'm thesis, just be you know, I keep on short.So hard for an alcoholic to just relax focus on God. The third stepis just the initial deal. It's the initial deal where, at least,the very least, you have the willingness get down on your knees and saythat deal. I'm going to do one final thing then, where the guyswanted to do this, just for a lasting goodness, you guys ever read? They probably read a baby, but right here, you know fact,they they really have a seamel was thoroughly followed our path. Yeah, youhaven't read been. So do you guys think you're following the path? Letme read you something from DC Bot, the good old times book I pickedup when I had about eleven years and started studying this talk about get allthe Times. Is The book that tells us what Aa was like here inthe first four years. I'm not a start in nine hundred thirty five,thirty five, a starting to thirty five. The book was written in thirty nineand in the big book. They said, really, have you seena person fail who has thoroughly, which look up the word early means thoroughly, followed our path? This is what they were doing between nine thirty fiveand nineteen thirty nine. Okay, and here's here's what they did. I'mstart read right out of the book. On the other hand, we weretaking them upstairs and getting getting them on their knees to surrender, which Ifelt was a very important part. The surrender was more than important. Itwas a musk bobby who came to day in February nineteen thirty seven. Wecalled that. After five or six days in the hospital, when you hadindicated that you were serious, they told you to get down on your kneesby the bed and say a prayer to God, admitting your palace over alcoholthat your life was unmanageable. Furthermore, you had to state that you believethat higher power who would returned you to Saturday. There you can see thebeginning of the twelve steps. We call that the surrender. They demanded it. You could not go to a meeting until you did it. If,by accident, you didn't make it in the hospital, we had to makeit and the upstairs bedroom of the realms and ses dod y has some recalledthe nineteen thirty seven means when the men would all disappear upstairs and all ofus women would be nervous and worried about what was going on. After anhour and or an hour and a half or so, down would come thenew man, shaking white, serious and grim, and all the people whowere already a a a would come truly...

...done after him. They were prettyreluctant to talk about what had happened, but after a while they would tellus they had a real surrender. I'll tell you what, when you gotday A, I'm sure you've heard the people mean and say, well,better got said that a month time. I wouldn't be here. You knowyou're right. We're Peter. He wouldn't be in the room here the reals. That's what they were doing back then. You let me tell you some yougot to a back in nine, three, five, thirty six,thirty seven eight. Knew exactly what you getting into. There's no bullshit around. Didn't worry. If they didn't worry about how's the newcomer right? Thinkthis is Dr Bob, is last thing they were going to close it up. This is Dr Bob. Twelve, twelve stepping. Clarence grew master,but many as Bry. This is South Dr Bob. Twelve steps. Somebody, anybody ever heard anybody say I'll talk about God and scare away the newcomer. Okay, well, this is Dr Bob's way of twelve steppy he said. He said this. He's poked up in Clarence, who's pretty young atthe time. DOC KNT, who's in the hospital. Doc Smith came inlater and poke he sat on the edge of my bed and said, well, what do you think of all this? He paused and looked at me.Doubtfully. I don't know if you're ready yet. You're kind of young. And then Clarence says I was down to a hundred thirty five pounds.I had no job, I had no clothes, no money. I didn'tknow how much more ready I could be. He called Clarence. Still I hadto convinced them I was ready. Not US running. They weren't commit. I had to convinced there I was ready. Then he asked. Thenhe asks, is the first question you believe even God? Then fell.He always called me young fellow when he called me Clarence, I knew Iwas in trouble. Then he says this. Clarence says this. What does thathave to do with it? What does that have to do with it? Bob Says, Dr Bob, everything, everything. There is no middle sleeps. God either is or isn't. I guess. I do guess nothing. Either you do or you don't. Yes, I do. That's fine, Dr Bobo replied. Now we're getting someplace. All Right, get outof the bed, get out of the hospital bed and get on your knees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray. I guessyou don't, but that's all. Righteous follow what I say and that willdo for now. I did what I was ordered to do. Clarence saidthere was no suggestion. Dr Bob was always positive about his days. ClareFaith call and said if someone asked them a question about the program is usuallyresponse was, what does it say in the good book? Suppose he wasasked what's all this? First things first, Dr Bob would be ready with theappropriate quotation. seeky first, the Kingdom of God and his righteousness,and all things would be added. Unto you. Hmm, now let metell you something. Take Ye, we went from an or. I'm notputting down a baby, I'm looking on. I'm like some old time stop.You did not old time a still around to be around, as longas I'm here, as long as Tev is here and still around. Whatthey used to do in it between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty seven andnine, and even after that, is they would would, they would ludgeonyou to alcoholics and as they would, shot gun to your flipping head.And you know you didn't want to come anything. I'll see you where yougoing out to drink it all back in again. So now we're now,we're kind. Now we're easy, we don't do that shit to people.Oh yes, get down there, he's we let you come in here,you read the Big Book, you need the twelve and twelve, and youget to Dick around, float around, play Games, play a house forfive, ten, fifteen, meet years, twenty years. You get to saythings like well, I've been hanging around me today. You get totake shit about that. I have ten years now, I have five years, I have but they let you dick around like some sort of baby untilhopefully one day maybe you might get where they got these guys to at thefirst meeting. Now I don't know, I'll be honestly, because the onething I've not unlesson it's all alcoholics accepts his out us in all as consequences. Its pride of your Paris. I don't know what that's would love people. We don't want to hurt them. Well, I don't know whether it'sbecause we're codependency. We can't stand the fact that people might not like us. So what we do is you worted on the program because the last thingyou want is people to think badly on...

...us. You understand I'm saying?Trust me, that is very prevalent in a a. They would rather seeyou die and not give you the truth that have you walk away not likehim. And if you think that's not true, if you don't think that'strue about alcoholics, then you don't know yourself and you don't know about yourself. A lot of people will find out that one of the consequence of alcoholismis you will do the dumbest things, the craziest things, go along withthe wackiest things because even things you think are wrong because you want people likeyou. If you're an alcoholic here. Please love me. Of all,don't talk badly, don't think badly on the all it's part of the disease, you know, and so you know. I don't know what they any ofthat. I'll have to a third time. You're going to figure thatout. Wherever there there's two ways of life. There's lines with God orwithout. That easy, either everything or nothing. You got to figure outwhich life you want and what you want to do and whether you want togrow up with me, the dre not drinking thing. It's easy. It'seasy if you don't get the other thing. You want to drink again. Thankyou very much. I.

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