AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 3 at the 12 Step House 5/20/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 3 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 5/20/2021

...pivity. Money is Russell facts on an alcoholic. I'm sen here. Actually, you got it. Well, Phillis sitting there. Okay, trying to get fifty. I'm kind of multicast. You got to watch out about. Okay, I'm going to talk a little bit about multitasking. How many people not a multicast? How many people? I? Let me just say this. I have found a drink since I was since years ago, something like that. January aptments. I see eighty. Thank you. I love Stei's my sponsory, but you think she's my sponsor's might be. I'm old and seventy two. It's over. I got a couple of weeks like you're like my secretary, but I want them so proud of being here and you guys starting, new guys, and first of all, for the new guys, ignore everything I'm about to say, okay, because I say some strange shit and you know you'll come back to a relay meeting a real good speaker in that work APP remarking. I was watching. You know, they say you're not doing this. They say the chief characteristic of alcoholics is the finest. Did you know that? That's what they say? That's there the books. That characteristic. Like to tell people, you know, fuck off, you know what I mean, and just like to do it. You know, not because you don't like and so I was watching the whole thing. It really hurts me, I don't hurts a lot of people, when you see people that one guy drove down forty five minutes from wherever the heck bus and he's been waiting for forty five minutes to get a seed. And they're only allowed to people when here they has send out a whole bunch of people to another room where zoom and I know you don't like to see people taken out of him and a meeting in it. But it did remind me that my I watched the whole thing and everybody was relatively peak fole. It was a end of us, no cars burned or MOLOCO cocktails. But it didn't remind me how how much alcoholics enjoy following rules. So that's so good. So there's a lot of people that multitask right. How many people sometimes when they're on zoom? Any of you guys ever Gone Doo means underly. I love Zoomians. Not. I would. I had a five ze means damn like a zoom creak. So you know what's it's thinking about. Jom Me, I love these kind of meetings to the something you know when school. I do thirty one years old now. Just love. But you know, see something somebody put up today that zoo meeting says is when I'm going to meet mean I'm maybe watching the speaker and I see like seventy five heads back of the back of the heads when I was doing my see something five. Basically, I have like an intimate relations of me. I think it's one of the thing we have that to you. But you multi task in sort of folky task. You have you ever ever seen and the cards and but they're also texting. You ever see that? or You ever you ever had a meeting tomb or something that you're also checking green animal, checking Your Bank accounting? You ever find you ever people, how many people are pretty good at multipasking do about three or four things at the same time. You know how many people ever got went to a meeting or your got with amy, but you're also but as you're think, listening to the speak, you're also thinking about other till you ever ever going to meet me where you like listening to the sneaker, but at the same time you're thinking about your girlfriend, your boyfriend, you haven't had sex in ten years, whatever the hell it is, your bank account, the build that's coming up and everything. You ever know how many people think are sort of like proud of their ability to do like three or four different things at the same time? You know you like me. God bless you. What's your name, emily? Our men are Carmel Camel. She twenty three years old. Holy he's like a eight or nine O. God bless you. I love see children and Mommy's. I see Mommy's. That it. Maybe you know my mom was an alcoholic and I'm going to talk a little bit about my mother passing away, which you may not think has anything to do with the third step, but you're gonna have to trust me. It's a lot to do so. And so I love see moms. Is My mom was an alcoholic and I grew up in an alcohol home, and you don't have to grow up in an alcohol home to be an alcoholic. I want to know that. But it helps in the emotionally disturbed. You know Secon in town. You know, if you want to have grave emotional method disorders, you want to make sure. Growing up in an alcohol alwhere at three luck, where there's a lot of dishes,...

...you know, being any both the walls, stuff like that, and so it peats on edge. But any event, here's the deal. I so I love seeing mothers today. So when I've been doing these steps series for ever, since I was four or five years ober, for I used to do for like twenty years or something like that, until the covid thing get oun't think I'm not sure I did last year. I can't remember whether I did last channel thinks so. So it really is good to be here. This is one of the rooms I really like enjoy being at. And so here. You know what I when I first started doing a step series, I used to bring all these books from it big book of the Twelve and twelve and everything I could bring here because, you know, if you have to speak sort of like an or something like that, you want to make sure you're well equipped. You got all this stuff you run out of words and stuff like that. And and I think there's a possibility, a possibility, that I was worried about screwing up. I think it was possibly I was worried about screwing up, you know, when I was about three years sober. By the way, this this is this is supposed to be on step three, but don't hold me to it. And here's the deal. Somebody ask me what step on on tonight. I said, don't put any pressure on the you know I mean. You know, I mean much wants you to say. You know. Your problem it's your expectations is so high. You would expect people to act and do will be a certain way and then when they don't do exactly what you wanted to do, you get pissed off. You know, it's might just sort of lower your expect so I'm going to talk about something for about forty five minutes, an hour and I don't think anybody's got to drink during that our time. We're going to walk out here and they have something. Step Baby, notfen. But but the deal is is that when I when I was first, when I first started doing the steps, I go to these means I do. I talk about the thing minutes and I passed it around the room and I talk about the staff. You know, after I gone through the steps and I read something out of the twelve and twelve, I read some out of the big book. That something with the staff. And you know, I did it because at that time the steps that we were very discreet. It was step one and it was step too, and then there was step three. You know, you said, Oh, I think it's I just did a third stay. And then I'd help somebody. Somebody would ask the questions the room and I'd help, not as to who, and then maybe I'd apologize somebody saying I'm sorry, I did that, I was wrong. I hope just did or nine. I mean, it was so it was. They were so different and so distinct. And so, you know, it says it says they you gotta, we gotta sort of adopt the way of living which demands riggings. Honestly, people that can't get here, people that can't, you know, grow and some a way of living. It's a way of life. It's like the body. I've never seen the movie good follows. Good follows that move with about the mob and people of there. They say, you know, it's a lifestyle. So life, you know of life and and so apparently survived is like a way of life. And so I was doing these steps, but they were different. The steps are counter intuitive bit different than the way I used to think. And so it's very when I was doing a Septem very clear. This is a step, part of this step to this, the three here's were here what you do, and as I kept on going along in life and going to different steps series and learning from different people and wanting what they had and trying to grow and and you know, I do this like everybody else to do it. You know, you you succeeding, you fail. You succeeding, I fail, just succeeding you. For how do we get a new perspective? By Big reliations and a final question of our self sufficiency. Your fly and I one day, the next day you want to shoot yourself. You know, one day you're all you're up, then you're down, then you're up, then you're dam then you're up, then you're down, and then comes the next hour. You know what I mean. It's like you know, you're just, you're just like nuts trying to you. You feel like you're running around like a chick with your head shopped off. You're running around me to going here. You don't dig bakes. Got Sixteen thousand voices in your mind, all talking bad shit about yourself and other people trying to figure out what's going on and you think you're going crazy, but you ultimately realize that, pray that one day period of time, or whatever the heck it is, you haven't had a drink and you realize, although you look cut, run around looking like you didn't have anything, that was all everything you was still we're doing. Was it different meetings, talking to sponsors, or you're talking to people or making talk? You doing something and it looks like you're a chick with your head shopped off, but if you are, you're like a chick with your head chopped off, but but doing a and somehow you don't drink and you don't even realize you're growing. You don't see yourself growing, you know you don't. Your push tribe is the Holy Spirit in Trys. It's like...

God Inchi and he doesn't have you on the shoulder because the way God he doesn't say it's not like he wants your opinion. N Stand what I'm saying. Allowed you to. I get you your life for a long pair of time. Party. You guys don't look like spriend checkers. I mean I'm like, I'm a see that like a l to four year olds and you're open here and you've got nice from many tears. Were allowed to run your own life and do whatever that work at. Okay, so, so take a boat on that. So the bottom line is so, so, like God moves in and he's thought of moving, moving around the furniture, but he doesn't. He doesn't necessarily ask your permission and sometimes he works at night and sometimes he works in ways that you don't understand, and sometimes when you think, I'm Dune in here, my life is over. Why is this happening? You don't understand that, when you think is the horrible thing, he should go to move the furniture. So you want a trade for the next three weeks. He's done something your life to move athort or something around, so that you say sober and you don't even see it's happening because you know something, because you've made a decision, and you don't even know what's happening. You know and you're trying to you you know, they tell you you can manage your own life. God, you're trying to manage your life. You know, you thinking of there's all there's no human power to relieve just that. But you're really you're really look talking, looking for that guy or that Gal or something that's going to help you get through, because you think it's a human path that's going to do it or something like that. And so the bottom line is that when I first started doing the steps, you know, I remember I was asked by Harry rawls in the car room. She said I'd like to give the steps of car room and I said to her I said I said sure, I can do such in the car room. Says, now I got to tend to something, Russell, when we do the steps of the Carl Gables Group. Coming back off for a second, do I do these things? Pizza sides? I shouldn't do them, but I can't help it. Something comes up. You month called up the car cast. I forget. So what happens is this? I did I did the third step. I gave it. You know now I'm not. I'm not like a big believe. When I came in, understand what I'm saying now is true story, and I told my story, you know, and I'm December twenty one, twenty five, Christmas morning, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, I thought my life was over. I there was never going to get better again, and it was three o'clock in the morning. I turned on the TV and there was a preacher there and he gave any a testimony and he gave up an altar call. It is true that in my particular case, is a particular case, so long I put my life was over. I got down on my knees and I did wait so many too, which is basically, in my teeth, said of my life, and that's my ben that's what I did. Nothing committed seemed to happen at that time. Fifteen rabbis in a priest and come down with but don't let's say we got an a meeting going on here as math. But I continue to drink for about thirty years and then on thirty day I have my last right and I haven't had a prince a hundred and twenty five thanks to anymore. So I can't tell you what happened, but something happened at a spiritual experience for that time, and I can't even explain that, and I'm not even going to try to say I don't things I want to talk about, but somehow I came doing a rule, stood up in front of a bunch of people and I picked up a white shape, which is a humbling experience. It's anybody's ever done that. Instead, I got like me, but God like me, with gradually frontments. One is in that man's going for Ph and how the very tropology, who was a division treat from the states, turns office FRY in nerder cases, who thought he was smarter and harder than anybody, used to put people in jail like at the drop of the happen, like it, enjoyed it. You know a guy like me, you know a lawyer, forget up in front fifty people who don't even know me and they sally pip likes up and say, I need help. Let me see. I think that's I think that's the time of my life that no care. I think that that is one of the Times in my life. I think I was the humblest, says, not back the last forty years. I'm trying to get back to that deal. I think I was a humblest in my life when I put the white Shin in the south are group of get back to that deal. You know, it's a humbling experience. I'Ma tell you what's a humbling experience. I used to sit in the back of a room, in my throne of content like back there, and I would look at guys like doing what I'm doing. I'm saying, look at that guy to be listening to me. I was on my throwing a contempt. That what I need. You Go, man. Yeah, what a bullshit. I know, judging you know, people who think that are people who never do this stuff. Does anybody who's ever if you know anything about people, especially alcoholics, the thing that they're should up almost is public speaking, and I can all you this. You want a good a meeting, just make sure you be a stent authentic as possible and tell the truth. You know, if you're going to bullshit, don't be bullshit. In alcoholics they recognize or shit and only blowny bullshit and the animal sec nothing...

...gets so transparent as an out be trying to just impress people and act like a big shot and all that bullshit. Understand and but don't realize is anybody who does this kind of stuff, where you speaking at a convention or you speaking in front of a group, knows that the humbliest Hump humblest place can be besides pick up a white ship or maybe helping another alcoholic and sponsor or going on. It's west of called the speak in front of a group of people and trying to tell them what's going on with the story is and what's happening, because you love them and you're trying to help them. You know, that's just the trippers. You know. I just say that per anybody and who you like. I wasn't sitting in the throne of contempt trying to judge me or judge anybody else. And alcoholics anonymous. You know, that's the guys that really need help. Ask The guys you know who think that they're humble and all they're doing is judging as people. So any man, I so, Harriet Rawle says to me. So so the way I got it back. So I did my third set when I was three months over, two or three months. All I can remember, a long time ago, like forty five years ago, or something like forty years ago, whatever it is. I went into my because I don't even know why I did it, except I didn't want to drink and I like my sponsor and I want I want to be accept whatever. Who knows? We have mixed motives. Maybe the motives wore good. I wanted to get better what he had makeing modes were bead. I mean their own they're bad lot that you do. Maybe I just wanted people ale. I want to be able to say I give back her. Who Cares, you know, I'm an alcohol who knows what the Hell I was thinking. All I know and THRO and I hope the book and I got down on my knees and I said the prayer. The third step. Lock them back in door. God forbid something should walk it off the street and see me down on my knees. I lock the backing door and that's it. I did my that. I'm done my third step. I made a decision. I said no, I said that. That's what I said the prayer. I made a decision to turn my will and my life of the care of God. And then I got up after throwing in the town. I threw in the town and then I snatched it back and I spent the next ten fifteen years rip it off, stress to throw in and see what that would satisfine. You know, and and I love me able to say well, and after that I became a believer in God, became the center piece of my life. You're a great factor is this and nothing less that. If you want to be hot rocking the Fourth Dimension Existence. You know, the bottom line is very simple. All you got to do is make God the center piece of their life, the absolute Sele's in your hearts and lives, which in a way, is the packing for yourself, you know, the one you get rid of yourselfishness. God makes that possible. You know, once you make that sincere decision, also, the remarkable things happen. You know, a powfully gives you everything. Waiting to stay post me in performance works well. God, God has gone a new basis, the basic trusting, the line upon God. We never apologize for God. All men of friend take that courage. They trust their God at once, they let him demonstrating their life. But he's doing from that once, at once, at once, here with you me, and I, like men, tell you not hand talking about because I'm scared of other people. I'm not going to start with the God thing. I'm not going to be a fanatic about this young star. It sounded like get crazy, like one of these freaks, and then at life, but I'll sit out of on. You know, it's not that money support is just right up there with oxyten, you know what I mean. And and I'm just going to do that deal and I'm running around it. I'm a basket case and I'm in Stark raving sober and I'm loving it. I'm enjoying that box anonymous in between the Times I want to kill myself for some scared shits. So, you know, every once in a while, like every other day, we can have three fucking nuts, fifteen facid voice in my mind about what's gonna Happen with this? What's going to happen with that? What's gonna Happen? This all imaginary shit, also because I'm like nuts. And somewhere along the road realize that even though I hadn't drest breaking through the months, I might be crazy. Now, at that point it's still in. It didn't. It's still didn't. I still understand the point of the second step. I really did it in. You know, the truth is most it is understanding. We get an a is based upon experience. It's experiential, you know, because when we use when I use my brain, when I'm thinking. That's the problem. I've never been upset. I've never been upset, really upset. So where was it preceived crazy thinking. I've never dealt with a spurt see or anybody. They who comes up me, who is deemed where was? It preceded by a whole lot of things your company says and just happening. You've been thinking a lot about this. Have a Jesus. Yes, absolutely, stop thinking about it. You know why?...

Because the drinking's got a symptom and the real disease centers in your mind, like your body. So you can start stop drinking. How the health? You stop thinking the crazy thought that you can't stop your three much the morning you can think about the same thing, but two weeks you've never come up with a solute thing. You think about the same thing, but two weeks say about this, something, about that. If you're lucky, when it gets really, really bad, maybe you're the big book when you say a parents something all the sudden and you know you're not drinking, but you know you're crazy and you start realize the fact that the second step is about and storing you to Saturday, because you can't be restored the Saturday unless you are and the restoring the samity takes a long time and you think they're gonna get down. He say take a decision with her life. OPE To God that all times wait ripped away and everything's going to be okay. Hold on, Buddy, where do you get to stay? Six and seven? You get down Rogers Stars makes a man with fund and bear with the spirits of walk away with the bunny, walks way with experience. And the way you're going to get a new perspective is not because you're right. Because I was the brightest guy in the world the room. I was the drunkest guy in the room. I's got a left his wife and kids are self e sky in the world room and I start thinking about my lodging because I'm a rationalizer. I tell myself rationalize, tell myself going to give a property. The people think about me when I'm when all I do is think about what other people think about me or what they going to think about me. And I'm only that other delusion. I think that people are actually thinking about me. Well, I mean, I am nuts. Does everybody knows that? Anybody who was worried about that? People who say I don't give a proper of the people think about him, or even say that a lodder, think of themselves about that. All they do is think about what other people think about them, because people that really don't get properly say I don't care. They say passed a Blity, but they don't say myself. All sorts of stuff that are lots and I believe it and I have a big book and said, and what you get very of these old ideas, these old ideas that for my personality it's going to be nothing. I'm going to get nothing out of this. I'm not going to change. and Dr Young says it's never been successful. You have the mind your chronic alcoholic. Have you never been successful? That sort of mine exists. Are there exceptions? Yeah, what you're in there? What's up? Movement? There are sixceptions. You don't send their phenomena. They're miracles. That's what a scientist calls a miracle, phenomenal. We can't explain them. Ideas, emotions and attitudes. That surely your personality. My sponsor, you say, why do you do the Shit you do? Why do you say this stuck you saying sober. I said, that's just says. Your personality scilling you. Your personality is killing you. You like multitasking, right. You think about a lot of things, do a lot of things in the same time. Yeah, you're proud of that, since that's going to kill you. The fact that you can't focus on one thing or focus on nothing is going to kill you. You know why you're thinking fifteen things at the same time? Because you're scared, because you're because you're corroded with fear and you don't even know it. You can't help it. Think all the time, can you? You're a compulsive thinker and you're thinking. The only thing that happens with the thinker as it makes you feel bad. You're always comparing your inside to other people's outside. You're saying, why can't I have this? Only I had that, only had this, only had the how many had this? What happens at this happened what I'm about happen. You're thinking a million Ais Pur. You can stop drinking, but you can't stop thinking, and you're thinking drives are crazy and you're looking for helping that. And you used to drink scotch. Is Not why you drink Scotts Russell. Is that why you drink scotch? It's not why you didn't you. I drank from the normal arder getting one. I trank. Here's his way it is. You can drink to get to that place of peace and then you can drink to get blot of blotto. Anybody in said blotto. Somehow, when I was drinking to that place of piece, I was shot that shit and got a blot of real things. You know what I mean, because my way of thinking, he's just sit by the chromograph, you think about all those girls that hurt your feelings, you listen to only the Loneli or I missed the blue or radiations in my days or all that Shit, and you drink yourself battle and you go to sleep. And that's my wife. And I'm an alcoholic. I drink. I drink to get blad of because it's the best stuff that works against my freaking thinking. That or all spending. I should have press. I'm trying to find, get some poor unsuspecting woman that seted me so I could feel good about myself. But thirty seconds you don't mean are trying to make money or try to do something. Yeah, listen, I am the Venus fly trap of the Ali by lamp. I allowed Lizard. Yeah, let me take something, the bad deal. Yeah, my life. And so I come to alcoholics anonymous, and I crazy. I'm crazy and I'm spend the next ten years looking about what pretty looks like. Callor two, three weeks section and...

...get the one that what's a real slap. We look like. The first step to get that. He's got your telling the first place. So after fifteen years that jam of alcoholism, well, I acohol. I think they called alcoholomous. I mean it's in the name. The books hold out for the first don't that's month. Where is that changing? Drink and drinking, and that's sober and you're nuts and you're having to drink it. Three years it five years over and your crazy and hang your sobering. Your crazy and you're working steps and you're so crazy. Welcome to Alcoholis. You're fifteen, you're sobering, you're crazy and now you don't have the booze. It's on crazy youth. You can't get block, so you get plattle of self and so get bottle on women. So you have bad blotto. Want the whole romance. So you get drunk and said to my sponsor three times that Scots for you. That's a bottle of stop. That was a bottle of Scotch relay and you wanted some everything is rolls, a bottle of Scotch Lights. For me, everything in this world and I lost everything in this world. I am convinced I'm an if onlier and yes, for if I only had this. That's my deal. And Bill Wilson sees this thing. Both myself, I'm not sure. With that me has some do with the world, has some do with climbers and has some do billboards and some pole movies, as something to do with my weight, as something to do with what I look like, have some do with whether I have or woman, had something with cars, as a lot to do with cars, you know what I mean. Has a lot of the kind of car you driving, a kind of job you have down much money have and has some do choose and shirts and all sorts of stuff like that. It's worldly climbers and it's not the world the climbers. The worldly comes in there. Is that I I get drunk on. I want to the climbers. I don't read a mean I'm running looking at the climbers of the timers. Everybody felling at the planers, except the people in Church, a lot of people in Church and prome with God, you know, because I don't want the God thing. I want the sex thing, I want the money thing, I don't want the God thing. And I got this book that I believe in. I Shay, I'm a good a. The book says we must, above everything, getting with alcoholism. The selfishness we must our kills us. The selfishness not to drinking. The drinking has to go, but the selfishness that go, whatever that looks like. I spent ten years agree out with selfishness, to have selfish I was how bad I was and we must get verywhere kills us. God makes that possible. And I'm running away as fast as I can from God or I'm doing hell, doing okay, the God, the God, they will here going a little hair but I don't have to turn my life over the terror. Don't ask me the crazy stuff. I ain't going to church. I know they encourage church membership. I angle. I know they purge, reading the bottom the big book and I'm not doing any that's I'm let me. Okay, I'll hold hands, I'll take the words, I'll say that. I'll do that. L Okay, that's it. And maybe because of that stuff, and maybe think sob fom five to ten years, but the truth matter is I would had a dollar for the thousands and thousands of people they ad met that drank after five, ten, fifteen, twenty years older. Thousands and thousand people drink after a short time, short time, a long time sober. One Guy has thirty years for every fivezero people drink and not understand why that because they go to a they hear all the means. One Guy has thirty years and as the one guy that has thirty years. Maybe, I don't know, maybe there's a whole bunch of them that you have certain years that doesn't have contented sobrieties and rocking in the fourth dimension. Existence has been experienced much of that. That's why I seen alcoholics anonymous. That's what I see in myself. That's what I see in my life. So Harry Rowles says to me, he says I want you to do so. I don't know what this starts happen is about. I know I did. I got down on my knees. I don't know what they did anything or not. I'm thinking it. Maybe it did something, some kind of the steeling. I won't get rocketed or anything like that. Why would I get rocketed? There was no difference between myself before I did it, after I did except I did it and doing it had something to do with something. So I get take doing it and some of it's like a sucking happens. I don't know what happened. Well, my knows this. Once I did it, it became easier to do. Once I get an easier to do once I get it. became easier to say God helped, once I get it. With my sponsors sent to me words like you know Sch that how crazy that, Calton, I was worried about this heats. I'll tell you what. Every time you start thinking crazy, and I know we start thinking crazy, you don't know you're thinking crazy until you mist in...

...the middle of crazy and you've been thinking crazy for a long time. What you realize you're going crazy, say to God, God help me not to think this way. Now there may be amity. Say if my FFE said say, say to God, God helping. Nothing this way. And the next time I found myself in a new crazy I said God, please don't let me think this way and I snapped out of it. So I don't know there's gotten out, but it work for me. Sometimes I hadn't say three times for the work for me. I think about your and God, please don't let me think this, but work for me. So if it works, I an argue. Girl says, look in the Call Room when you do the sex, you speak for the hour. You understand that, Russell, you s well we are don't understand. You speak for an hour before your song. Right now you've been doing stuff out this none of these fifteen minutes. That's discussion shit. You know what I mean. You speak for an hour. That yeah, I can do that. So I did the I went to the car room and I go to my meeting and I'm doing need of the car room and it's like about seventy people in the room and they all got years, like twenty, thirty years. Wouldn't four years? And I'm doing the third step, something like that, and I just gave them let me take the head book stacked up. I hadn't there, I was already and I I gave us. You listen, I can't even do the steps. I can't do anything. Don't even listening. This is all bullshit. You know what I mean? You should have heard me when I had four years. I was the fumble. I was man, I was like pin on in base I was a Pheeno or something, and I did, I did. I told them shit about the third step, nobody's ever heard on the planet. It was unbelievable. We started a thirty and I told them thing about the third sets. When they're all looking at me, you know, it's like this. Yeah, all looking at me and I and I looked up and I was finished and we started a thirty and it was eight o'clock. It was funny. You should have been there and I had a half an hour ago and I was out of words. It should only I pray that it happens as a natter back that curse on you. It's going to happen here, because it was the way to laugh at it, and I'm sitting there and I had nothing else to say. I've just told them everything I know, but I told him should I didn't know about and they're all looking at me and I'm looking at them because they had to half an hour ago. It happens now, by the way, but that's anity. It's having to say nothing to say so, and so thirty seconds goes by and an hour and because I can't think of anything, and this is this is the true start, you don't make this shut up. I don't go to like an a book and say tell them this, you know what I mean, and all and I don't know what to do. I'm like in a jam and I say in my mind, I say God help me, and all sudden I start talking. For the next day an hour, spoke for half an hour and then I finished. Everybody Class A thank you. Keep coming back those great meeting and I walked that door and friend of my was there and I said, you know, like you side, you know, you worried about what people think about that was what I actually worried about. What people photograh then, you know, but I'll get into I have time. But so because I was worried, you know. So I said what are your thing? You all right, it's always great. It's great. Those fantastic. I said, what do you think about the you know, when I when I stopped in the middle of I says, I'm understand were talking. Well, when I stopped talking, you know, about half an hour, and I stopped and thought, I said, I don't know what you're telling is that how you doing it? It was like a pause, I thought, for I got a manager. Oh, I thought that was some sort of traumatic poust thing. You know what I mean. Oh, yeah, that's what it was. I would be at during needs. So apparently the God thing and you learned over period of time how we get a new perspective. I repeated humiliations and you get beating down and being down an old thing. The world doesn't help you. All the thinking. The world doesn't help you, and they you go to God. Somehow you go to God. Are you go to a sponsor? A points you to God or he wants you to a spiritual thing and not a material thing, and all of a sudden, you're thinking, goes and you got through that and you don't drink. Five years, ten years, fifteen years, thirty, forty years, and all of a sudden you're not doing the third step. Alls that, yeah, and that's ten year sober. You got something to strike, the crazy project to take for a week and your and your farmer can't take it anymore because don't have to answer and you'll never have an answer at all. You're thinking. The world doesn't tell you. So I got that thing out overnight and finally get it easing it. Turn...

...it over. Used to say turn it over. I said, God, I can handle this. I know what's gonna Happen. If they take away my bar license, if they kill me, if they do this. I've got cancer for the first second time, if I'm dying or over to you, I'm gonna put in your hands. Somebody says you would happen. What about that cancer thing? What about that that that money thing? What about it? Is just he's like turn it though, I'm not going to think about it. And then one day you've been doing it so much and so much and so much you don't even it doesn't even started in the third step. It becomes a way of life. It's just the way you are. You just start turning all sorts of cup over and one day you wake up, because you you wake up and you and you think and raked up thinking about God. That's driving the card in the same hands. You think about God at twelve o'clock. You thinking about God. You go to mean as you're thinking about God, to hang around with people that are also thinking about God, because I was so long time ago. The person will become, and that's five years and ten pund people you hang out with, the books you read, the books you read and on who you hang out with and the thoughts you have with depend on who you hang out with. And you're hanging out with people in there thinking about God and they're talking about God and you got now you think about God and when you go to a meeting, all you do is talk about God because you way past the point where you give a shit what other people think about because you've not only read the book where it says all men are faith have courage. We never apologize for God. All matter. Faith have courage. We they trust their God. We never apologize for God. We let him devastrate our lot, what he could do. And you talk about a name means because you can, because you're no longer worry about what they're going to think about you. Because, as Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me. Turn me this couple of things. I got to keep talking about him and telling other people and you realize that you lost fear what other people think about you, which allows you to talk real past you. You know, I let off people built. Well, what do we think about this? What I think about that? You can just home with Jock, you within your heart. And so I'm saying and the book is not just a book anymore, it's the way you think and you not even read that your you become the big book, Give Cup Peop Book, and so you're not turning things over and your like you're living a turned over light. And for me, maybe it took two thousand and twenty five years going premiership and stop worrying about whatever people think about me or what's going to happen to me and actually finally, finally not only make any decision of tone my life over to God, but turning my damn life over to God and getting that six step which separates the babies and the children, because this is like a perfect kindergarten, but some of us want to go to college, you know what I mean. And and what happens is it separates the men from the boys and you become one of those people they talk about the in the sixth step where it says you will do anything. You become ready to turn your will and your life over to the care of God and have them removing you every defect that keeps someone from you, the when, the money, the whole shit. You know what have you become what the talk about, but also you see the books and the words. Happening is all those words not seen before, like a WHO is a mixing a a and an adulter. To grow up is that bad who's entirely cuddly, to grow in the image and likeness of its creator. And you're not ambassed by that stuff. Just that's big book about bolls anonymously not there. Now you can handle the big dogs you have with the people that are serious about this shit and you go into that humbly. Ask Him art and whole life's focused on God's become the Central Pac of your life. Other things come in and all of a sudden you part yourself. It's scared of. Life is easier. It doesn't mean that it's perfect and you don't have problems because you want to sum but the problems are opportunities to grow. Like the book a, Jamesons caused many times because they want caused many times and you look to God and you get through it and you don't drink and you don't hurt people and you don't act out and increases your faith. And the only thing it means to me to have over forty years, sobrieties. I've had forty years of humiliations, forty years of bounce checks, forty years of when the money didn't come in, what's going to happen? Forty years of proclosures, forty years of my wife not understanding me, forty years of everything you can possibly imagine that you've had happened in your life. I've happened to me, but only about a hundred and fifty times more, and I've kind of trust in God that many times. And so so what does this have to do with? Actually, I've wanted but where I sort of think the third step is really happen somewhere around the sixth. I don't even know how to explain that. And so my life is not real and the whole thing is changed. The whole thing has changed. where I used to say I've done a food stuff, I've done it both. That has done to think that I've done this because they were so discrete different. I just develot a new way of living which is just where I live. It's not like I'm doing the steps or act are using the steps of to. It's just the way I am. It's just the way I think. It's just the way I think. It's just what whatever is all about why I was still...

...and what I think of right inside drinking. It's just the way I am. I don't want Asso I did the third time. I'm living in the third steps, the way it is, and I'm an aloholic. Soope you're an alcohol you know that means for me twenty five years. You guys are pretty Sol I'll take you about a week, don't think a better with the trail, and then you'll do you know, I'm already you know I'm rocking in the fourth dimension of distance. Something spirits. But when I was thirteen years sober, my mother died. My Mother's an alcoholic. I can for alcohol, but she got sold. So not years of age. I was thirteen years sober. I mean I was starting. Yeah, thirteen years older. I was telling US say a meeting. I started thinking about it. What happens is what happens. you start connecting dots. Everything gets connected. You see connection, spiritual connections. I think that, don't it seems like they have nothing to do with government and my mother Don and I remember I handled everything. I handle a funeral. I handled everything, I did, did the whole thing, and I found myself later because this happened to a guy who he was talking about and saying out waking up at two o'clock in the morning with this profound emptiness. I can't even explain it. This this sadness, this sadness, this emptiness, I don't know what a want. It's like this pain in my heart that my mother was said. I don't know what it is. I'm crazy. I think. I thought my love mother would never die. I never. I never thought my mother would die. I thought I'd be I've been here's all that my mother would still be alive. You know, say, let me kiss the booboo or something. I don't know what the Hell is and I this in but let me tell you what the deal was. It was just painful and hasn't really ever. It's sort of like only say it's gone away, but with time. You know what I mean? Father died. I'm going to walk in now. It's like, you know, and and, but you want to know something, and this is a weird thing. You know, it wasn't self pity. If it was Selfpity, and I'm a self videoholl look, I would have drain self. Pity leads to death, leads the drinking. It was. It was I was feeling a I was I was missing her and feeling a sadness and neppiness. My life clean and sober, clean and sober, and it was. It was a clean sadness, it was a clean I can't explain it. I was able to warn her and feel sad and and it wasn't selfetting. I feel sorry for myself, just and and what happened was, I think something snapped in and I think something changed when I experienced that. And this is one thing that changed with me, and it's changed ever since then. I started taking this shit seriously. I started church, I started taking seriously tomming, I started becoming very, very serious about who I hung out with. It not wasting my time with bullshit, not focusing on them. Let me tell you something, it's a long time to grow the fuck up. And Alcoholics and office, you know, I used that. That's real. Greely didn't suffer fools. Then I stopped. I stopped, I stopped dealing with the bullshit and I became very, very, very focused on sear at beginning, serious, serious with us. Send to him. Anybody knows to have a SI crazy sense of humor because I'm an alcoholic but I became serious about sobriety. There is about growing up, serious about becoming an adult, you know, serious about how I acted, serious about sponsor when people I started going a Bible study when I was eleven years sober and going to Bible study for like thirty years towards the church, begin to dig in the drive again. Serious because I'll tell you how you know somebody is by how they act, who they associate with and what they're doing with their life, not what they say about themselves. Serious about raising four children and seven gradual serious about being selfsappointed to my own contributions and Shuder's more serious because I know that we have a limited amount of time. You know, I take my seventy two years old chances. I'm going to be here ten years now or probably sliming on. I'm I'm a short timing and we really let's face it. I'm not saying that me Morbid because I'm not worried about I really not, you know, and it doesn't disturb me or anything like that. Just makes my time serious. My time is serious, who I spend time with. It's here. That's what time to fool around. I'm have time to fool around people that aren't serious. You know what I mean?...

I just don't have time to do it that it just sort of dilettant, sort of hanging around here, you know, try to score, get laid or something like that. I'm talking about bullshit, you know. You know that. You know that. That actually has to do with the third that has to do with trust in God. That has something to do with living a godly life. Let me tell you something. It was Chuck Chamberlain said it and I think Sandy Beach said he said every problem connected with an alcoholic, every problem. I know literally loves it. This is she has. You know, she talks a lot. Every problem is what they said has to do with their connection to God or disconnects or separation from God, and that's what I kind of be true. When I'm separated from God for whatever reason, I'm probably seeing on something else, some of the US or desire or something like that in the old days from what I used to chase after the old days. When I'm focused on something else, you know I mean I'm separating from that. He's got to be the sent piece of my life. When I'm separated from him, all sorts of bullshit coming to me all sorts of worries, real and imagical. That's what happened. So I sit there and I'm on the computer this morning because because I'm an alcoholic, and while I'm listening to somebody share, I'm checking my bank accounts, I'm checking the stock mark, I'm checking this, I'm checking that. is in marvel sounds so bright. I could do seventeen things the same time, like spinning plates, but I'm giving the inside to know. That is the thickness wis. You can't sit there and listen to somebody share your name without checking out all this other pation I'm in. So I catch myself. This is the second thing. This is this used to be your way of light. You do this so naturally and you think it's a cool thing. You know what I mean? When this is what's this try? I used to have a spark, Jeff Snyder, and I don't walk there with also the problems that he would quote the palms and he would say Russell in the Psalm says be still and know that I am God. Do we quote it over and over there? Still know that it's not and then, after about five years ago, to we're all sorts problem, he says. He would say you just he was short, he'd say he's still. It's a piece. And then you come to think about five words like I'm thesis, just be you know, I keep on short. So hard for an alcoholic to just relax focus on God. The third step is just the initial deal. It's the initial deal where, at least, the very least, you have the willingness get down on your knees and say that deal. I'm going to do one final thing then, where the guys wanted to do this, just for a lasting goodness, you guys ever read? They probably read a baby, but right here, you know fact, they they really have a seamel was thoroughly followed our path. Yeah, you haven't read been. So do you guys think you're following the path? Let me read you something from DC Bot, the good old times book I picked up when I had about eleven years and started studying this talk about get all the Times. Is The book that tells us what Aa was like here in the first four years. I'm not a start in nine hundred thirty five, thirty five, a starting to thirty five. The book was written in thirty nine and in the big book. They said, really, have you seen a person fail who has thoroughly, which look up the word early means thoroughly, followed our path? This is what they were doing between nine thirty five and nineteen thirty nine. Okay, and here's here's what they did. I'm start read right out of the book. On the other hand, we were taking them upstairs and getting getting them on their knees to surrender, which I felt was a very important part. The surrender was more than important. It was a musk bobby who came to day in February nineteen thirty seven. We called that. After five or six days in the hospital, when you had indicated that you were serious, they told you to get down on your knees by the bed and say a prayer to God, admitting your palace over alcohol that your life was unmanageable. Furthermore, you had to state that you believe that higher power who would returned you to Saturday. There you can see the beginning of the twelve steps. We call that the surrender. They demanded it. You could not go to a meeting until you did it. If, by accident, you didn't make it in the hospital, we had to make it and the upstairs bedroom of the realms and ses dod y has some recalled the nineteen thirty seven means when the men would all disappear upstairs and all of us women would be nervous and worried about what was going on. After an hour and or an hour and a half or so, down would come the new man, shaking white, serious and grim, and all the people who were already a a a would come truly...

...done after him. They were pretty reluctant to talk about what had happened, but after a while they would tell us they had a real surrender. I'll tell you what, when you got day A, I'm sure you've heard the people mean and say, well, better got said that a month time. I wouldn't be here. You know you're right. We're Peter. He wouldn't be in the room here the reals. That's what they were doing back then. You let me tell you some you got to a back in nine, three, five, thirty six, thirty seven eight. Knew exactly what you getting into. There's no bullshit around. Didn't worry. If they didn't worry about how's the newcomer right? Think this is Dr Bob, is last thing they were going to close it up. This is Dr Bob. Twelve, twelve stepping. Clarence grew master, but many as Bry. This is South Dr Bob. Twelve steps. Somebody, anybody ever heard anybody say I'll talk about God and scare away the newcomer. Okay, well, this is Dr Bob's way of twelve steppy he said. He said this. He's poked up in Clarence, who's pretty young at the time. DOC KNT, who's in the hospital. Doc Smith came in later and poke he sat on the edge of my bed and said, well, what do you think of all this? He paused and looked at me. Doubtfully. I don't know if you're ready yet. You're kind of young. And then Clarence says I was down to a hundred thirty five pounds. I had no job, I had no clothes, no money. I didn't know how much more ready I could be. He called Clarence. Still I had to convinced them I was ready. Not US running. They weren't commit. I had to convinced there I was ready. Then he asked. Then he asks, is the first question you believe even God? Then fell. He always called me young fellow when he called me Clarence, I knew I was in trouble. Then he says this. Clarence says this. What does that have to do with it? What does that have to do with it? Bob Says, Dr Bob, everything, everything. There is no middle sleeps. God either is or isn't. I guess. I do guess nothing. Either you do or you don't. Yes, I do. That's fine, Dr Bobo replied. Now we're getting someplace. All Right, get out of the bed, get out of the hospital bed and get on your knees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray. I guess you don't, but that's all. Righteous follow what I say and that will do for now. I did what I was ordered to do. Clarence said there was no suggestion. Dr Bob was always positive about his days. Clare Faith call and said if someone asked them a question about the program is usually response was, what does it say in the good book? Suppose he was asked what's all this? First things first, Dr Bob would be ready with the appropriate quotation. seeky first, the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all things would be added. Unto you. Hmm, now let me tell you something. Take Ye, we went from an or. I'm not putting down a baby, I'm looking on. I'm like some old time stop. You did not old time a still around to be around, as long as I'm here, as long as Tev is here and still around. What they used to do in it between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty seven and nine, and even after that, is they would would, they would ludgeon you to alcoholics and as they would, shot gun to your flipping head. And you know you didn't want to come anything. I'll see you where you going out to drink it all back in again. So now we're now, we're kind. Now we're easy, we don't do that shit to people. Oh yes, get down there, he's we let you come in here, you read the Big Book, you need the twelve and twelve, and you get to Dick around, float around, play Games, play a house for five, ten, fifteen, meet years, twenty years. You get to say things like well, I've been hanging around me today. You get to take shit about that. I have ten years now, I have five years, I have but they let you dick around like some sort of baby until hopefully one day maybe you might get where they got these guys to at the first meeting. Now I don't know, I'll be honestly, because the one thing I've not unlesson it's all alcoholics accepts his out us in all as consequences. Its pride of your Paris. I don't know what that's would love people. We don't want to hurt them. Well, I don't know whether it's because we're codependency. We can't stand the fact that people might not like us. So what we do is you worted on the program because the last thing you want is people to think badly on...

...us. You understand I'm saying? Trust me, that is very prevalent in a a. They would rather see you die and not give you the truth that have you walk away not like him. And if you think that's not true, if you don't think that's true about alcoholics, then you don't know yourself and you don't know about yourself. A lot of people will find out that one of the consequence of alcoholism is you will do the dumbest things, the craziest things, go along with the wackiest things because even things you think are wrong because you want people like you. If you're an alcoholic here. Please love me. Of all, don't talk badly, don't think badly on the all it's part of the disease, you know, and so you know. I don't know what they any of that. I'll have to a third time. You're going to figure that out. Wherever there there's two ways of life. There's lines with God or without. That easy, either everything or nothing. You got to figure out which life you want and what you want to do and whether you want to grow up with me, the dre not drinking thing. It's easy. It's easy if you don't get the other thing. You want to drink again. Thank you very much. I.

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