AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 5 months ago

Russell S. Step 3 at the 12 Step House 5/20/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 3 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 5/20/2021

I vote my names Rossel Paco Alcoholic in a you, got it well Phillis, sitting there, okay, Dar you fiften kind of multi cast yougotta Watch out, O o O O. I Tokay I'm going to talk a little about multicasting how many people know on a multiceps. How many people well et just say this,a d since what you something like thatgenuine pain. I love sees my Sponsi, but he he thinks he's my sponsor. He mybe things possible more than seventy two it over. I got a couple o week, O like you're. Like my second, you know what Imean so, but I want I'm so proud of being here and, and you die Trentineguys and first of all, a new Gino everything I'm about to say. Okay,because I say some strain shit and you know you'll come back to a real lay, a real good speaker and that I work outa market was watching. You are say you're not going to. They say the chiefcharacteristic of alcoholic is the pines that you know that that's whatthey say. That's the the books that artlike to tell people you know fuckoff. You know what I mean I just like to do it. You know not because youdon't like, and so I was watching the whole thingit really hurts. I know it hurts a lot of people when you see people that one guy drove down forty five minutesfrom wherever the heck to logs and s been waiting for forty five minutes toget to see it and they're only allowing to let me, as so they had to send out awhole bunch of people to another room where a Jiminy don't like to see peopletaking out of them and a meeting and it. But it didn't remind me if, in Iwatched the whole thing is everybody was relatively thankful. It was. It wasno cars burned or MOCO cocktails, but it didn't remind me how much I costenjoy following rules so that O so there's lot mutest right. I think people, sometimes when they'reon zoo, any of you guys ever do on deal means in Gen. I love to mean that Iwould I had a five gun stan. Like a DOE Brito, so you know what is thinkingabout Joan. I want these kind of men so there's something you know what I e thirty one years old, just love. You know s thing somebody,but up today about Jus when I'm in a Mein, I'm maybe watching the super, andI see like seventy five pets back of the back of the head. When I was doingmy say, seventy five face. I have like an intimate relate. I think one thing we have that today, but he potestates but they're also Texina.You ever see that or you ever you ever had a mean a tumor something you're,also checking freaten a bank account never find you ever how many people are pretty good,multipede or four things at the same time, you know how many people ever gotwent to the media, your don at a me but you're also, but as your big listeningto speak, you're also thinking about other or you ever. You ever done ameeting where you like, listening to the speaker, but at the same timeyou're thinking about your girlfriend, your boyfriend. You have in that sex inten years. We whatever hell it is your back. You can up the builders coming upand everything you ever. You know how many people think are sun, likeproud of their ability to do like three or four different things. At the sametime, you, like me, God bless you. What's your name, Emily Rm Art, Parmense, twenty theyears old? That is, he like a bat or I a God, bless you. I love to seechildren and momies. I love to see Mommy's an maybe you know my mom was analcoholic and I'm going to talk a little bit out.My mother, passing away, which you may not think has anything to do with thethird step, but you're going to have to trust me. It's a lot to do with so, and so I don't see mom because my momwas an alcoholic and I grew up in and I cought home and you don't have to growup in an alcohol home to be an alcohol and wants to know that, but it helps inthe emotionally disturbed. You know session in town. You know if you wantto have grave emotional, a metalised is you want to make so grown up? Analcoholdon were a three block when...

...there's a lot of dishes, you know theante. They get a wall and stuff like that, it's so feature on edge, but anyevent here should be a l I so I want see mother today. So when I've been doing these step seriesor ever since I was four or five years sober for I used to do it for like twenty years or something likethat until the CODA think it. I don't think I'm not sure I did last year. Ican't remember whether I did last Yai, don't think so, so it really is good tobe here. This is one of the rooms I really like enjoy being at, and so hereyou know what I when I first started doing the step series. I I used to bring all these books from it,a big book of the Twelve and twelve and everything I could bring here,because you know if you got to speak sort of like or something like that,you want to make sure you're well equipped, and you got all this stuff.you see run out of words and stuff like that and- and I think, there's apossibility a possible yet that I was worried about scon up. Ithink it was possibly on s word about stowing up. You know when I was aboutthree years over by the way this this is. This is supposed to be on stepthree, but don't hold me to it and is a deal. Somebody asked me what step on ontonight. I said: Don't put any pressure on the you know.I mean you know I mean Mis Pontou say you know your problem, it yourexpectations is so high. You expect people to act and do be a certain wayand then, when they don't do exactly what you wanted to do you get kissoff.I I just sort of lower your expect. So I'm going to talk about somethingfor that forty five minutes from an hour and I don't think anybody's- got adrink during that hour time. We're all going to walk out here and I may havesome their step baby, not but but but the deal is, is that when I, when I wasfirst when I first started doing the steps I go to these names, I do I talk aboutfifteen minutes and I passed it around the room and Italked about the STAP. You know after I gone through the steps and I reachsomething out of the twelve and twelve. I read Tomatas the big Bob that hadsomething to do with the staff, and you know I did it because at that time thesteps that we were very discreet there was that one an I was step to and thenthere was step three. You know I just said. Oh, I think ex I just did a thirdthing and then I helped somebody. Somebodywould ask me a question of the room and I helped him out it's a wool and then maybe I'd apologize. Somebodysaying I'm sorry. I did that of this wrong. Next home just die or not I mean it was so it was. Theywere so different and so distinct, and so you know it says it says he you gotto. We got a sort of adopt a way of living which demands rigorous ones,Pete that can't get e people that can't you know, grow and so do a way ofliving. It's a way of life. The side I e ever seen the movie good fils good,fellows that move with a Batemo and people love there. They say you knowit's a lifestyle, it's the life you know of lie, and so apparently survived islike the way of life, and so I was doing the steps, but they weredifferent disces or counter into it a bit different than the way I used tothink, and so I was very when I was singsepting very clear. This is a step are step to this. The three is real good.What you do and as I kept on going along and likeand go I the different step series and learning from different people andwanting what they had and trying to grow, and- and you know I do just likeeverybody else- does do it. You know you succeed in your fail, seeing ifthey are to succeeding to how do we get a new perspective by virilities and afinal question of our self sufficiency you're flying eye one day the next dayyou want to shoot yourself, you know one day, you're a you're up, then youdown then you're on. Thank you Dan. Then you on then go down then comes thenext out. You know what I mean. It's like you know you just you're. Justlike you not trying to you. You feel like you're running around, like achick with your head shot on your running, ran ten. You don't hear youdon't Dat. He so thinks about a cat stitious, an voices in your mind, atalking bad kid about youself and other people trying to figure out. What's soon a D, a D, you think you're going crazy, but you ultimately realize thatfor that one day period of time or whatever the heck it is, you haven'thad a drink and you realize, although you look is running around looking likeyou didn't, have anything that was all everything you was still were doing wasin retaking sponsors and you're talking topeople or you making Tokyo doing something, and it looks like you're achicken with a head shot dog. But if you are you're like a chicken with yourhead chopped off but but doing a and somehow you don't drink, and youdon't even realize you're growing because you don't see yourself growing,you know you don't get question tribe,...

...just the Holy Spirit in tracts, it'slike God in corn and he doesn't hap you on the shoulderbecause the way God he doesn't say it's not like he wants your opinion. Youunderstand what I'm saying allowed you to. I. I you your life for a long time, a go with myspring ticket, I mean I'm like I Orologio ten years were allowed to runyour own right. I do whatever you want work at okay, so so take a so. Thebottom line is so so, like God, moves in and he thought of start moving upmoving around the furniture, but he doesn't. He doesn't necessarily askyour commission, and sometimes he works at night, and sometimes he works inways that you don't understand and sometimes when you think I'm Duckin theair my life is over. Why is this happening? You don't understand thatwhat you think it's a horrible thing. He should go to move the furniture, soyou won't trick for the next three weeks. He's done something you're like to movea doughter something around so that you stay sober and you don't even see it'shappening because you know something because you made a decision and youdon't even know what's happening. You know and you're trying to you know thetelling you can mate your own life, God you're, trying to manage your life. Youknow you thinking of the Tom There's no human power to retinere, but you'rereally you're really look talking looking for that guy or that Gal orsomething that's going to help you get through, because you think it's a humanpower, it's going to do it or something like that, and so the bottom line is, is that whenI first started doing the steps you know I I remember I was asked by Harryrowls and I parrol she said I'd like to do the sets of Cara, and I said to her, I said O I said sureI can get step to the car room says. I got to tell you something Russ when wedo the steps of the Carl Gables grow. Come me back off for a second. I dothese things pessiges. I shouldn't do them, but I can't help it. Somethingcomes up e month to cos up the car. Take a forget. So what happens is this I just. I did the third step. I A youknow now, I'm not I'm not like a big belege. When I came into you understandwhat I'm saying now is t story I ostry you know, and on December Twenty Oneand twenty fifth Christmas morning, one thousand nine hundred and eighty that'swhat my life was all right, though I was never going to get better again andit was three o'clock in the morning I turned on the T V and there was apreacher. They already gave any any a testimony and he gave an altar call. Itis true, in my particular case, was a Orcas so put my wife as r down on myknees, and I did want to me- do which he's basically in like so to my lifeand that's my on that's what I did nothing for me. US thing to happen atthat time to ten rabbits, an a preston come down with a bunch of dolts we aeating on here as a I. I continue to drink for about thirty mines and then,on the thirtieth day I had my last fred and I haven't had been since ten ten ednine hundred, and I one so. I can't tell you what happened, but somethinghappened at a spiritual experience some for their time, and I can't evenexplain that that I'm not even going to try to see. I do things I want to talkabout, but somehow I can do an a rule stood up in front of a bunch of peopleand I picked up a white ship which is a humbling experience if anybody's everdone that to stand in a God. Like me, a guy like me with Gratifie Lans, anAtmano for P and o Tea Cology, who was a division, treat in the states, turnsoff string Mertisen who thought he he was smarter and hot than anybody. Heused to put people in jail like at the drop of a heaven like that enjoyed it.You know a guy. Like me, you know a lawyer, I forget a ere. Fifty people, aneed to Rome and say t pick up a lie. Chip and say hi me help. Let me, I think, that's I think. That's thetime of my life, no, no, no Ka. I think that that is one of the Times in mylife. I think I was the humblest I says matter fact, the last forty years I'mtrying to get back to that deal. I think I was a humblest in my lifewhen I put the white Shin in the South Gate Group of get back to that. Do you know, what's a humbling experience,I'm Goin to tell you what's a humbling experience, I used to sit in the backof a room and my throne of content like back there and- and I would look atguys like doing what I'm doing. I'm saying look at that guy. You ought tobe listening to me. I was on my tone, contempt, Liota, O. I need on maniawhat a Wolston, judging people, who think that are people whonever do this stuff, because anybody who's ever if you knowanything about people, especially alcoholics, the thing that there should have bealmost as public speaking- and I can tell you this- you want to go a meeting just make sureyou'd be a tented y authentic as possible and tell the truth. You know if you're going to bullshit,don't be bull, shitting, alcohol,...

...they recognize for Shit and onlyBaloney pull shit and an Ano Seco, nothing just so transparent as an howhe trying to just impress people and act like a bitch shot and all thatbullshit gun stand, and we don't realize. Is Anybody who does this kindof stuff bet? You speaking of a convention or you speak in in front ofa group, knows that the humbliest humblest place would be besides pick upa light ship or maybe helping another alcohol and sponsor the r going on it.Ossoty is speaking fun of a group of people and trying to tell them what'sgoing on with the story is and what's happening because you love them whenyou're trying to help. You know, that's just the trive. You know I just saythat for anybody and who te like I was and sit in the thron content, trying tojudge me for judge anybody else in alcoholics anonymous. You know that'sthe guys that really need help as the guys you know, we think that they're,humble and all they're doing is judging like people, so a Tan I so Harry Roll says to me so so, O way I got it back, so I givemy third set when I was three months Sol two or three months old. I can'tremember a long time ago, like forty five years ago or something like fortyyears ago. Whatever it is, I went into my because I an't even know why I did itexcept I didn't want to drink, and I, like my sponsor and I want- I want tobe accept whatever. Who knows we have mixed motives? Maybe the motives willgo. I wanted to get better of what he had Makin Moans with tea. I mean theirown, their dad loans. They did you do. Maybe I just wanted people o what Iwant to be able to say I give by her who cares? You know I'm an alcoholicwho knows what that I was thinking all I know and do, and I O and I got down on myknees and I said the prayer, the third step, I back in door, a god forbid, someoneshould walk it off the street and see me down on my knees. I walk the backindoor and that's it I did my hat. I was done my Turta. I made a decision. Isaid that I said that's what I said the prayer. I made a decision to turn mywill in my life wot the care of Don, and then I got up after throwing in thetown like growing the town and then I snatched it back, and I spent the nextten fifteen years rip it off stricks to throw in to see what that would satisfy.You know and- and I love me able to say well and after that I became a believerand God became the center piece of my life. Your great fact is this andnothing less that if you want to be a hot rock in a Fort Mention existence,you know the bottom line. Very simple: All you got to do is make God to send apiece of your life. The athlete cette hearts a line in a way he is the soeurs.You know the one you get rid of your selfishness. God makes that possible.You know once you make that sincere decision. Also, the remarkable thingshappen you ole happy because Ye e CON performance works. Well, God, God hasgone a new basis for Basal, trusting the line upon God. We never pall on,for God, all men, a fan, take that pert and trust their God, and once they letit demonstrating their life, but he's doing them at once and wove at once.Fear with me, and I like metates, I'm scared of other people, I'm not goingto start with the God thing. I'm not going to be fanatic about this. Youngstir sound like get crazy like when these freaks. You Know Me, you know it's not that when he'simportant, it's just right up there with oxygen, you know what I mean and,and I'm just going to do that deal and I'm running around it. I'm a basketcase and I am in stark, raved sober and I'm beloved it I'm a join that Bononianbetween the Times. I want to kill myself to some scared trip, so you know every once in a while likeif every one Dan, we can up three clock on it. Fifteen tousands, in my mind,about what's Goin happen with this. What's Goin t happen with that? What'sGoin have with this all imaginary shit, also because I'm like nuts andsomewhere along the road, I realized that, even though I hadn't tact Brakinthree months, I might be crazy. Now that point it still. I didn't itstill that I still understand that the point of the second step. I reallydidn't it didn't you know. The truth is most. It is understanding we get an AAis based upon experience. It's a experiential. You know, because when weuse when I use my brain when I'm thinking that's the problem, I neverbeen upset. I've never been upset really upset so where it was a precedes thinking. I've never done a scoter anybody namesometime who has teemed, where I wasn't receded by a whole lot of thing. Yourcoy says in this amyot a lot about this have Jesus. Yes, absolutely I can stopthinking about.

You know why, because the drinkings buta symptom and the real disease centers in your mind it to body, so you canstart stop drinking, how the health you stop thinking the crazy thought thatyou can stop your Tao the morning. You can think about the same thing. For TwoWeeks: You've got ter come up with the Salutat, you think about the same thingwith two weeks: the Saif you're lucky when it gets really really bad baby upthe big Okinawa. You say: parents, something all of the sudden. I and you know, you're, not drinking, butyou know you're crazy and you start realized the fact that the second stepis about on story in insanity, because you can't be restored to sandy an whatyou are s and the restoring the sound. I takes along time and you think that you need Italiae a decision with her oatlandeverything's gonna be on a hold on buddy. What you get stage, six andseven you get down rods, Spectan with UNA Bameean, walk away in the Bon, anquite o, Wa wa with experience and the way you're going to get a newperspective is not because you're right because you have is the brightest guyin the world. The Room I was the drunkest guy in the room- has got toleft his wife and kids off sober sty of the world room, and I started thinkingabout my logic because I'm a nationalizer, I tell myself rationallife, so my son give a property the people think about me when I'm when allI do is think about what other people think about me or what they're going tothink about me and I'm on. I don't be S. I think that people are actuallythinking about me now I mean I am nuts cats. Everybody knows that anybody whowas worried about that people who say I don't give a properother people think about him or Ecu say that a latter think to themselves aboutthat. All they do is think about what other people think about them, becausepeople that really don't get pravities, they myall sorts of stuff that are lie. Ibelieve it- and I have a big book in Sen La- can get rid of these old ideas.These old ideas that, for my personality, it's going to be nothingI'm in to get nothing out of this thing, I'm not going to change and Dr Youngsays it sins. I've never been successful, not the Marto Product ool.Have you never been cepit? That sort of mind exists. I do exactly yeah whatyou're in there one move. There are sea unions in their phenomena, the miracles,that's what a scientist called the miracle phenomena. We can't explain itideas, emotions and attitudes at or your personality Les. Once you say, whydo you do the Shit you do? Why do you say the stuff? You saying sober? I said:That's just sois your personality, Skilling, O your personality is killing you you're,like multitechnic t you think about a lot of things, do a lot of things. Inthe same time, yeah you're, proud of that, is that's going to kill you the fact that you can't focus on onething or pocus on nothing is going to kill you. You know why you're thinking fifteenthings at the same time, because you're scared, because you're because you'recorroded with fear and you don't even know it- you can't help but think allthe time can your a compulsive thinker and you're thinking the only thing thathappens to the big it makes you feel bad you're always compare your insideto people's outside you're saying. Why can't I have this only I had that onlyhad this only had how many at this, what happens it this happen. Whathappens about that you're thinking a million molls for hour. You can stopdrinking, but you can't stop thinking and you're thinking drives a praise and you're looking for helping that andyou used to drink scotch. Isn't that why you trying start Russell? Is thatwhy you drink charge is not why you didn't, I drain it tothe normal arter dey bond. I drank here's his way it is you can drink toget to that place of peace, and then you can drink to get Bloto Blato anybody in Tablada. Somehow, when I was drinking for thatplace of a piece, I always we shot that ship and got a Blato you fat, you knowwhat I mean because my way of Thinkin is you sit by the photograph you thinkabout all those girls that hurt your feelings. You listen to only the lonelyor I miss the blue or red to my days are all that sit and you drink itself.WATO and you go to sleep and that's my way and I'm an alcoholic I drink I drink toget blot up, Treece, it's the best stuff that worksagainst my breaking thinking that are all Spanish. Have I I'm tryingto find you got some poor unsuspecting woman to have set with me, so I couldfeel good about myself for thirty seconds. You know I mean I trying tomake money or try to do something. You listen. I am the beanes fly trap of theAl Abila O, I m a loud lizard yeah. I let me drink something: The bad deal,yeah my life, and so I come down to hol. I anonymousand I wabe I prayed Andi spent the next...

...ten years. Looking about what Tis like,I think I see and a real slave wo fines. The firststep a gain out of a I shot on your gain, the first place. So if, for fiftyyears I caveman Sinam the books for the first Tannins and you havedragon three, I I I a Soverin your page and tain yourself in your face and yourworking steps, an you so crazy. Welcome to alcohol is you're fittingyourself and you're crazy. And now you don't have the booze ton crasy you, youcan't get blockades. You on so you get drunk. I said to my Parson,a I G, Fontio, that's a bottle! So an that was a bottle. SCOTELAND! You wantto some everything was rolled bottles fat. It legs it! Everything in thisworld and I lost everything in this world. I am conviced, I I'm an if Olierand yes, I had to that's my deal and Bill Wilson seesthis thing o both. I myself, I'm not sure what that me and some do the worldhad some do with panage. Had some do bill boards as something movies assometing, with my weight as one to do with what I look like have some dealwith, whether I have or woman have some do with cards has a lot O with cars.You know what I mean has walk pop kind of car. You driving what kind of jobyou have on much fundy haven has something given cheat and shirts andall suks and stuff like that is worldly planes, and it's not the world, theclimbers the world. The Times are this that I I I get drunk on. I want ter. I read a I'm running, I'm working atthe camers, a Famese Tolna. The time is, except people in Church, a lot ofpeople in Church, an fomenter God. You know, because I do walk, I got thin.I want the sex thing. I want the money to. I don't want to God, and I got thisbook that I believe in a sham a good a the book says we must above everythingGivin southold the selfishness. We must or tells us to stablish Tis, not thedrink in the drink. It has to go with the selfishnesses go whatever thatlooks like as continuous to foo would suffice. The to hol self ICI was howbad I was and we must get rid of our kills. US God makes that possible andI'm ruber away as fast as I can from God or I'm doing hell doing. Okay, I dothe God I got in it her doing it hair, but I don't any riturn my life over thetar. Don't ask me the crazy stuff. I ain't going to Church Ino Tan Hers, TuMeadows. I know er in the bebooted that at maybe because of that Sominoo fiveor ten years, but the truth matter is, I would had a dollar for the thousandsand thousands of people they had met the drink after five ten fifteen twentyyears over. Thousands and thousand people drinkafter a short time for time, a long time sober one guy has thirty years forevery five thousand people grin and not understand why they do because they goto, and they hear all the means one guy has thirty years, and if the one guythat has thirty years- maybe I don't know- maybe there's awhole to them- that even have stir es that does doesn't have contentedsobriety, is a rocket in the fourth dimension. Existence hasn't experiencedmuch of that. That's why I seen alcohol is an Amos.That's what I see myself, that's what I seen my like, so Harry Roll says to me. He says Iwant you to do so. I don't know what the stir at wasabout. I know I did I got down on my knees. I don't know if I did anything or notI'm thinking to make a Dipsomanie goin get pocketed or anything like that. Why would I get rocketed? There was nodifference between myself before I did it after I did, except I did it anddoing it had something to do with something at oitos like sucking at. Idon't know what happened at my not is this once I did it, itbecame easier to do once I get give thing once I give itbecame easier to say, God help one time I get it in my sponsor said to me wordslike you know so: Uh, no crazy, a compan. Iwas worried about this heat altown every time. you start thinking crazyand I know if we start being crazy. You...

...don't know you're thinking, pace untilyou're in the middle of Fazy and you've been taking Brazealle of time, but yourealize you're going crazy, say to God. God help me not to think this way. Nowthere may be a Mishat, my fine said say say to God: God help not thing this wayand the next time I found myself Manila crazy. I said God, please don't. Let methink this way and I stopped out of it. So I know thisgot an not at work for they sometimes I had to say three times, but it work forme. I think about you in dope. So let me think this work, or so in works in argue to I says, look in the fame. What youdo, the step o speak to the hour. You understand that I please weaners tosleep Er now before I sonnet this, not least fifteen minutes this discussionshit. You know what I mean you speak for an Apish. I can do that. So I did. I went to the car room and I go to mymean, I'm doing it the car room and there's like about seventy people inthe room, and they got years like twenty thirty years when he for hersand I'm doing the third set something like that and I just gave them. Let me take them.I had the book stepped up, I hadn't been. I was already and I at a could listen, I can't even do thestuff. I can't do anything, don't even listen. This is all bullshit. You knowwhat I mean. You should have heard me when I had four years. I was Ombian, Ia a I A I s, a a or something, and I did Idid. I told them shit about the third step nobody's ever heard on the planet. It was unbelieving Bok, we startedthirty and I told them everything. meethology know it's like this. Youlook at and, and I looked up and I was finished and I was started eight thirty.It was eight o'clock because o you should have been there and I had a half an hour to go and I was out of words. It should only I pray that happens. As a matter of fact, I break the person,it's going to happen to just be a somebody to laugh in and I'm sitting there and I had nothingelse to say. I've just told him everything I know, but I told himshould I know, T and they're all lookin at me and I'm looking at them because theyhad a half an hour to go. It happens now by the way, but that's anot tim, O save nothing saand. So thirty seconds goes by and I, as I can't think of anything and this I so start you don't make thisshot up. I don't go to like an a book and say tell in Mit, you know what Imean and all, and I don't know what to do.I'm like in a jam- and I say in my mind I say God he and all of sudden I start talking thenext thing, O o Haan Hour, and then I finishedeverybody caps a time to keep come back. I was great meeting. I walk that doorand Froneman was there, and I said you know I jus, like you know you worriedabout what people taking back. That was what I actually worried about. Whatbeing out about the next, you know I get into it. So this I was worried. Oionos great isgreat as fantastic. I said. What do you think about the you know when I, when I stopped in theMiller he says I'm understanding a when I stopped talking. You know about ahalf an hour and I stopped, and I said I don't know what you're telling is. IE it was like a pause. I outfit a energy. Oh, I thought that was some sort ofdramatic poste. You know what I mean: Oh Yeah. What it was I will be at is so apparently the God thing and youlearn over period of time how we get a new perspective by repeatedhumiliations and you get feeding down of being downher old thing. The world doesn't help you all the fingie world doesn't helpyou baby, you go to God. Somehow you go to God or you go to a sponsor a pointyou have got. I want you to a spiritual and not a material thing and allsidenote. Do you got to do that and you don't drink for five years? Ten years, fifteenyears thirty forty years and all of a sudden you're not doingthe tot step, all get a te O sober. That's on the strike, the crazy o Yo pafor we and you and your finally can't take you any part. As don't have answerand you'll never have an answer. All you think in the world doesn't tell youso I tause, I said God. I can't handle...

...this. I know, what's gonna Happen, ifthey take away my bar license, if they kill me, if they do this, I've gotcancer for the third second time, if I'm dying or no pretty good, I'm on put in yourhands. Somebody says you: What have what about that? Canterin? What aboutthat that that money thing? What about see like turn it out, I'm not thinkabout it and then one day you've been doing itso much and so much and so much you don't even it doesn't. Even it's noteven the third step, it becomes a way of life. It's just the way you are youjust start, turning all so to pup. Over and one day you wake up because you youwake up and you and I and wake up to a drab the car in the ends, a twelve o'clock you thinking about God, you got to me. I just talking about doghanging around with people that are also thinking about God, because I wasso long time ago. The person will become the next five years and ten onpeople. You hang out with the books. You read the books you read to now: Doyou hang out with and the thoughts you have? I depend on Ye hang out with andyou're hanging out with people, and he think about God, and they talk aboutGod. You Got Nigh, you think about God and when you go to a meeting, all youdo is talk about God, because you way past the point where you give a shit.What other people think about, because you've not only read the bookwhere it says, O men a fake at forage, we never apologize for God or matterfact that courage e, they trust their God. We never apologize for God. We lethim Genista lot what you could do and you talk about it, a means, because youcan't, because you're no longer worried about what they're going to think aboutyou, because, as dilwas said, the Lord has been so wonderful to make termsever teams. But I got to keep talking about him and telling other people, and you realize that you lost her. Whatother people think about you which allows you to talk elation, not to letit filter? Well, what do we think about this? What I think about that- and youcan just tell with Jacky within your heart, and so I'm saying and the book is notjust a book any more. It's the way. You think, and you not even read that youryou become the bit o hip, Co it and so you're, not turning things open yourlife. You live in a turned over line for me. Maybe it took plane twenty fiveyears going on o the same bird I maship and stop worrying about what otherpeople think about me or what's going to happen to me and actually, finally,finally, not only making the pinies fold my life over to God, but turningmy damn life. I would a god again on that say that which separates that thePalis and the children positions by the itinerary. But some of us want to gocollege. You know what I mean and what happens. Is it separates the men of theboys and you become one of those people. They talk about gitting, a six stepwhere it says you will do anything. You become ready to turn your will in yourlife over to the care of God and have a remove from you every deep that thatkeeps away from you. The war is the mode the whole shit. You know what Imean and you become a put the tongue back for all. So you see he works, andthe word I is all those or passing before like was a Minatrost growin likethis, a crater and you're, not a bass at that stuff.Just that's been book about person. As do now, you can hang the big dogs he act with the people that are seriousabout this shit and you go into that humbly. Ask Him a hole. Life is focused on God, he'sbecome the central pack of Your Life. Other things come in there all of asudden you park yourself. It scared o! You, like is easier. It doesn't mean thatit's perfect and you don't have problems just one or some, but theproblems are opportunities grow like a book of James, so cause a manytimes, because the one thousand many times and you look to God and you getthrough it and you don't drink and you don't hurt people and you don't act onan creases, your fate and the only thing it means to me tohave over forty years, bribes that got forty years and humiliations. Fortyyears of donce checks, forty years of when the money didn't come in, what'sgoing to happen, forty years of proposers forty years of my wife, notunderstanding me forty years of everything you possibly imagine thatyou've had happened in your life. I hate me, but only about a hundred andfifty times more and I've had a testing God that many times and so so. What does this have to do?With actual onto of think, the third step isreally happen somewhere around six ten and do even a explain that, and so mylife is not real and the whole thing is changed. The Ole thing has changed where I used to say: I bought a birdOmer, I done a cross. That is done six an I done this because it was so. Ithing different, I just about the new way of living, which is just where Ilive. It's not like I'm doing the steps or Ior using this Cuttino, it's just the way. I am it's just the way. I thinkit's just the way. I think it's a wit...

...whatever it was all about what I wasdoing. What I think a right can I be in Sindri's just the way I am. I don'twant it, so I did the third time I'm living in the third step. It's the way it is, and I'm a Hosoyou're, an Ooyoo. That means took me twenty five years. You guys are prettyso I take about a week, so I got a want and then you'll be youknow. I'm already you know, I'm rocking inthe port dimension is an somethin very expect. When I was thirteen years sober mymother did my mother is an alcohol I can put Alohoa. She got over. Herotters of age- I was thirteen years, so I mean I was tart. You got a thirteenyears, so I was telling this faining. I started thinking about it. What happensis what happens? You start connecting dogs. Everything gets connected. Yousee contention spiritual connections on things that so it seems like they have nothing to dowith goverend. My love is done an I remember I handled everything I hand up in a roundhand with everything I did e did the whole thing, and I, as this happened to a guy he'stalking about the mean sending up wagon up a teco in the morning with this profound anthemis. I can't even explain this this sadness, the sadness this emptiness. I don'tknow what I want statistic. It's like this pain in my heart that my motherwas the. I don't know what it is. I'm crazy. I think I throught my love withmother would never do I. Never. I never thought my mother would die. I thought I'd be indenters at my motherwould still be alive. You know saying let me kiss the Google or something Ido o o a y. This I, but let me tell you what thedeal was. It was just painful and it hasn't really ever it's sort of likeonmost, it's gone away, but with time you know what I mean. Father died, I'mon Fackins like you know, and but you want to know something, andthis is a weird thing. You know it wasn't self pity. If it was self pity and I'm a selfPitoni, I would a drink. Some titty reads the death e the trendit was it was. I was feeling a I was. I was missing her and feeling a sadnessand meatiness in my life clean his FOB, plain and sober, and it was. It was aclean sadness. It was a clean. I can't explain it. I was able to feel or herand feel sad and and yet it wasn't some gitting. I feelsorry for myself just and what happened was. I think something stopping. I thinksomething changed when I experienced that- and this is one thing thatchanged with me and it's changed ever since then I started taking this shitseriously. I started change. I started taking seriously tonic. I started becoming very, very seriousabout who I hung out of it not wasting my time with bullshit, not quote you seen on the o. let metell you something takes a long time to grow a fuck up and Alcoholic and office. You know I used that astral we didn'tsuffer pool. You know I stopped. I stopped hi. Istopped dealing with the bullshit and I became very very, very focused on Sera be getting serious serious with a tenso. Anybody knows Ihave a spresses of humor because I'm an alcoholic but became serious aboutsobriety, serious about growing up serious about becoming an adult. Youknow serious about how I acted serious about sponsor people. I started going aBible study when I was eleven years sober and going to Bible State for,like thirty years during the church in the decanter to gain serious, becauseI'll tell you how you know so somebody is but how they act, who they associatewith and what they're doing with their life, not what they say about themselves:Series about raising poor children and seven grandchildren, serious about being self suppoit, ed,my own contributions and since more serious, because I know that wehave a another mate time. You know I take one. Seventy two yearsold chances, I'm going to be here ten years now I probably slimming on I I'ma short time. I E really, let's face it, I'm not saying that be Morbid, becauseI'm not worried about I'm really not you know, and it doesn't disturb me oranything like that. Just makes my time ses. My time is serious. We spend time with so that's...

...time to co round have time to flowaround K that aren't serious. You know I mean I just don't have timeto do it, but it just sort of dilatin sort ofhanging around here. You know try to score, get laid or something like that. I'mtalking that person, you know you know that you know that thatactually has to do with the third that has to do with trust in God. That hassomething to do with living a godly like. Let me tell you something: It was ChuckChamberlin set it and I think Sandy Beach Seve said every problem connectedwith an alcoholic. Every problem I know lital loves it is she has. You know shetalks about a lot. Every problem is what they said has to deal with theirconnection to God or disconnect our separation for God. That's what I tindto be true when I'm separated from God, for whatever reason, I'm hopin, seeingon something else, some of the lust or desire, orsomething like that in the old days, from what I used to chase at the olddays when I'm focused on something else, you know I mean I'm separating fromthem. He's got to get a sente Ma. It when I'm separated from him also ts ofbullshit come into me also as a worries, real international. That's what happened so I sit there and I'm on the computerthis morning, because because I'm an alcoholic and when I'm listening tosomebody shares I'm checking my bank accounts, I'm checking the stock work. I'mchecking this, I'm checking that is it marvelous, I'm so bright. I could getseventeen things at the same time like spinning plates, but I'm giving the inside to know thatis the thickness. Mesu can't sit there and listen to somebody shared a namewithout checking on all this edecation. I saw cash myself. This is the second.This is this used to be your way of life. You do this so naturally, and youthink it's a cool thing. You know what I mean when this is. What's this chin, I used to have a spot on a just it, andI got with also the problems that he would quote. The sons- and he sayRussell and the SAM says, be still and know that I am gone. Do we quote itover and over still know that a stop, and then after about five years ago towe all such a probe, he says he would say you just me, showed me d say he still it's best and then we come into a priorS. like one says, just be you know, O Soso hard for an alcoholic to justrelax, focus on God. The third step is just the initial deal. It's the initial deal where at leastthe very least you have the willingness get down on your knees and say thatdeal I'm going to do one final thing and then, when you guy just want to dothis, just for last and Gigas, you guys ever read, they probably read a yeah. You know they really have is thoroughlyfor a yeah yeah you that so you guys thinkyou're following the pan. Let me read you something.KNOCKBOTHERUM book I picked up when I had about eleven years and startedstudying this talk about Gootta tells us what a a was like during the firstfour years: I'm not a Tart one thousand ninehundred an thirty th thrty. Five, an started in thirty five: The die waswritten, thirty, nine and in the big book they said. Rarely have you seen aperson fall who has thoroughly which look o the word thoroughly. It meansthoroughly follow our pan. This is what they were doing, be we Sanine de anthirty five one thousand nine hundred and thirty, nine okay and here's here's what they did.I'm stared right out of the book. On the other hand, we were taking themupstairs and getting getting them on their knees to surrender, which I feltwas a very important part. The surrender was more than important.It was a musk bobby who came a day in February thousand nine hundred andthirty seven e told that, after five or six days in the Optina, when you have indicated that you wereserious, they told you to get down on the knees by the bed and say a prayerto God. Admitting you Er Palace over Alphon that your life was unmanageable.Furthermore, you had the state that you believe that a higher power would beturned you to sandy there. You can see the beginning of the twelve steps. Wecalled that the surrender they demanded it. You could not go to a meeting until youdid it if by accident, you didn't make it inthe hospital and you had to make it in the upstate bedroom of the williamsons dog. Yes, Amy Co, one thousand ninehundred and thirty seven means when the men would all disappear upstairs andall this woman would be nervous and worried about what was going on afteran hour and or an hour and a half or so down would come the new man shakingwhite, serious and grim and all the...

...people who were already in Aa with ConTruly Don Atra. They were pretty reluctant to talk about what hadhappened, but after a while they would tell us they had a real surrender. I Kay what, when you got a Gaya, I'msure you've heard the people need say: Well, they got so bad O. my time Iwould be here, you know you're right. It wouldn't be in the room to hear it, the real actual, what they were doingthat thing. Let me say you something: You got into a back N, nineteen, thirty,five, thirty, six, thirty, seven! Eight! You knew exactly what you were gettinginto. There's no bullshit around didn't worry! I didn't worry about. How wasthe new coming? I think this is doctor Bob his last thing that we're going toclose it up. This is doctor. Bob Fall Steven, Clarence Grumete, but manyyears Ri. This is sound. Dr Bob Twelve steps. SOMMA anybody ever heard anybodysay: Don't talk about dog, an scare away, the newcomer, okay. Well, this is door Bob's way,Welles Tucky. He said he said this he's poked up in a clarence. He was pretty young at time.Dog Man, who's in the hospital do met Canon later and spoke. He sat onthe edge of my bed and said. Well what do you think of all this? He paused andlooked at me doubtfully. I don't know if you're ready, an you'rekind of young and then parent says I was down to a hundred andthirty five pounds. I had no job. I had no clothes, no money. I didn't know howmuch more ready I could be. I called Clarence. Still I had a convinced, thenI was ready, not US runny they weren't commit. I had to convince Bat, I waswet. Then he asked then he asked is the first question: Do you believe in God, in l he alwayscalled me young fellow, when he called Me Clarence? I knew I was in trouble. Then he says this Clarence. Is this?What does that have to do with it? What does that have to do with it? Bob Shot, docebo everything. Every thing there is nominimise got either. Is there isn't? I guess I do guess nothing either you do or youdon't. Yes, I do. That's fine doctor bar replied now we're getting someplace all right, get out of the bed get out of the hospital bed and get on yourknees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray. I guess you don't,but that's all right, jus follow what I say and that will do for now. I did what I was ordered to giveClarence said. There was no suggestion. Dr Bob was always positive about hisface Claire Faith. Kellen said: If someone asked them a question about theprogram is usually response was what does it say in the good book suppose hewas asked. What's all this first things? First, Doctor Bob would be ready withthe appropriate location seeking first, the Kingdom of God and hisrighteousness, and all things would be evidant to you now. Let me tell you something: a yeahwe went from an oil, I'm not playing down are a baby, I'm looking at Le o a not I whole time as still aroundwill be around as long as on year, as long as Stebert still around what theyused to do in a between nine hundred, an thirty five on T, O N Nineteen,thirty, seven, a d nine, and even after that, if they would, they would lodgingyou to Ahalas, they would shoot a you know. You didn't want to come in it where you going o o drink all backagain. So now we're we're telling it were easy.We don't do that Shit for people! Oh Ye! It's good down this! We let you come inhere. You read the Big Book E, Twelve and twelve, and you get to Vick around float around play games play a as for I ten fifteen. Eight Years Twentyyears you get to say things like well. I've been hanging around E. Today you get to take it like that.Well, I had ten years now I have five years dio they let you stick aroundlike some sort of Davy until hopefully one day may be, you might yet where they got these guystoo. At the first meeting now I don't know I'll be honest. Lycusone thing, I'm not unless in tall aloes as alcohol is in all this consequences,desprit to be Paris, I don't know whether that's a love people, we don'twant to hurt them. Well, I don't know whether it's because we're Cotopaxi, wecan't stand the fact that people might not like us. So what we do is he wade on the programbecause the last thing we wanted people...

...to think badly of us. You understand what I'm saying. Trustme that is very prevalent in a a they would rather see you die and not give you the truth. Then haveyou walk away, not like you and if you think, that's not true. Ifyou don't think that's true about alcohol, then you don't know yourself and you don't know about yourself. A lot of people will find out that oneof the the consequence of alcoholism- and you will do the dumbest things- Thecraziest things go along with the lackies things, because even things youthink are wrong because you want people to like you. If you're an Alcolea elove me a hole, don't talk, bad, they don't think badly on the Olisar of thedies, and so you know I don't know what there Ateros of life there's lives withGod without the easy. Either everything were nothing.You got to figure out which life you want and what you want to do. What youwant to grow up. Do it make the trick not drinking?Think it's esses. If you don't get the other thing you want to drink you.Thank you very much. I.

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