AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 8 months ago

Russell S. Step 2 at the 12 Step House 5/13/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 2 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 5/13/2021

My name is Russell spats. I'man alcoholic, so I remember the south Ta Sea Group. I haven't foundthis to a drink since January twenty. January twenty, twenty and twenty five. One thousand nine hundred and eighty one, forty years. Forty years. It'sconsensibility thing kicks in every once in a while. I do feel tobe totally transparent. I have to share that right, but see how thisworks out. In any event, I have been enough to have a drink. I've been married for forty years, of sober for over forty years,and married that matter, when ice two months ober, and I want tomention that in case some of you guys are sort of staring at some ofthe gals here. Something like that. My sponsor said don't make any majordecisions are in your first year. I didn't think was a big deal.I was. I was wrong about that, by the way, but it's toolate now. She's remember lent on our ladies perpetrol revenge, and youknow, it's a great al Non ten step. When I'm wrong, sheprobably admits it's so it's all working out. And I'm going to talk about somethingI have no idea what I'm going to talk about. I don't havethem. It's all that stemporaneous. I have no idea what that means.Look it up, but it's a long word. Sounds good. I don'thave any can shit. You know a couple. Maybe I'll say something.But you guys, by the way, you guys. Have you guys everhear about the alky dog? Nobody's ever heard about the Olkey dog. Youknow, I ran into an alkey dog, did you? I mean I actuallythere are alcoholic dogs out there. So I mean this is a truestory. I mean that's you. You're already, you know, throwing whatit called throw a dust on me, or dirt on me, with ithaving shade on me. you're already throwing shade on me. So you see, I am cool shade throwing share. Okay, so I was driving downthe street and I saw this sign. Now, you guys, I thinklast week I'll talk about the ten dollar cruise. Okay, but you haven'theard about ten dollar dog, about the Abbey Dog. So I'm driving downthe stream. This is big sign in front of this house where I live. You know, it says it says talking dog for sale ten so catchesmy eye. So I I stopped as a guy sitting out front, youknow, guys sent out front. I said you got a sign there,talking dog for sale for ten dollars. Yep. I said, was thatlegitimates? Yea, yeah, sure. I said. Well, where's thedogs? Is Out back. Can I talk to him? She's short.He's out back. Could be able to talk to you. Go back andtalk to him for them. So I walk in the back of the Houseand this is dog's Mane, old dog, you know, sort of sitting theairline there and I walked him and I say hi, are you thetalking dog? He says, Yep, this is U. talks. isabsolutely because I can't believe you're talking. Dog says yeah, that's that's whatthat's the deal. Like I talk. I said, well, and what'syour story? I mean, I've never heard of a talking dog. Inever heard of he's as well, you know, he says. You know, I'm retired now, but I spent the first twenty years of my lifeworking for the CIA, and this is true. Story says. And whathappened was I was I was in Russia and my owner worked for the KGPand and I used to go to all the meanings of the Kremlin and,you know, they didn't mind. He would sit me down there in theKremlin and and I would listen to everything and I would memorize it because Ihave a like photographic memory and they figured on my dog, you know,they don't know. And so I had a handler. You know, see, I hand learned for twenty years. I would tell the handler basically whatthey were talking about at the Kremlin, the KGB meetings. I said thatit's pretty amazing. He said Yeah, he says, he says. ButI left that after twenty years and I came home and I retired from CIAand then I started working for Monsanto and it with industrial ession one, andI used to go over to dupont, you know, or three am orsomething like that, and I would say there, means I had a ownof the Saturday there means of care board,...

...and I would take down all theyou know, the information about their new stuff coming out and everything Ibring back to Montsanto and I did that for about ten or fifteen years andI've been retired for about five or six years. And I said that's anamazing story. I mean it's some of you would write that story. IfHollywood says yeah, I think they are. I think there's going to be somesort of screenprint player something. I said. Well, well, listen, I don't know. I mean I have a house down the street.You know, I got seven grand kids and four kids and we have agreat house. I have a couple of dogs and you know, I thinkyou'd really like the I'm going to talk to your your owner about maybe buyingus. Is No problem. Love to do it, no problem, it'sfine and me. So I I go back to the owner and I say, I said, I spoke to you dog. He said, yeah,I'm so. He says why? I think I want to buy it.He says, he said Shit, no promises. How much? I saidthat. He said ten bucks. I said ten bocks. He said Yeah, ten bucks. I said, can ask you a question, I said, says. I said, you know, he's a talking dog. I mean, why would you sound for ten bucks? He said he's a liar, a liar, he didn't do any of that Shit. Didn't do anyof that Shit. You know, is that out? You know what Imean? I told my sponsor once, I said when he we were whenI first got in they were going to say Lord's prayer. I didn't knowwhat I wanted to hold head. Said words prayer and he said a lotof I says, well, I don't want to be a hypocrite. Hesaid, too late. You busted that way before you got to alcoholic.You know I mean, you mean, you mean saying one thing and doinganhing is. Don't even worried about hypothing. It's too late for you, youknow, and and that kind of deal. So we're going to talka little bit about the second staff for the third of the fifth or whatever. It is gonna be a lot of steps involved here. I started,you know, this group. I'm glad to be this is a great group. Twelvet of House. I've been doing steps series for thirty five years andand I think I've been doing step series almost every year for the last twentyfive years for this group, except maybe on miss last year because covid thingor whatever it is. I can't remember. But it's always good to be hereand it's got quite a few people here, you know, and Iknow we're spacing out so it's not as many as there used to be,but it really is great to be here. And but when I first started doingthe steps, I don't know. You know, when I came toa I didn't have any story. There's no story. No story, youknow. I mean who has a story? I have no idea. You know, a friend, a guy, once stole me. It says,when you reach age it. I came in when I was thirty one yearsold, donand stole me when you reached the age. If you're if you're, if you're in your s and you don't know who you are, whyyou're even on the planet, you're going to be neurotic. You know,when I was one of the rock son of a bitch, and I didn'tknow what my purpose was on the plan or who I was, or whatI was or what I was doing here. I I we talked about the firststep last time. I told you about all that, but I did. But I don't know how you did the first step. I did itby what I did is I drank. I drank a lot, you know. So somebody asked me how you do the first drank first step. Isay great, you'll get there, don't worry, you'll die or you'll getthere, you know. And so I just dragged my way into the first. I drag my way into powerlessness. I drank my way until December twentyfive, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, at three o'clock in the morning,when I was thirty one years old and I thought my life was overand it was never going to get better again. And I had something calledthe Apostle Paul calls godly sound sorrow, not worldly sorrow, which I stillwith self pity. That's a different deal. I've always felt sorry for myself,always sat by the record player, drinking my angles out the songs,only the lonely, almost the blue raineys and Monday's, thinking about all thosegirls and how they rip my heart out and what they did to me.I show them, and thinking about my funeral. I was always good atSelfpity, whether without booze, I was always good to feeling sorry for myself, blaming other people, feeling lonely and feeling like I didn't need even boostto do that. It just sort of help the process. But the bottomline is is that I wasn't. I...

...wasn't filled with self pity. Iwas filled with some other deal going on. It was, it was. Iwas a shame. I become. I was not. I was neverashamed of myself, but I was ashamed of myself. I I got tobe honest with you. After forty years of over, forty years of doingthis thing, I think I think shamee plays a great part in helping peopleget to where they have to go. SELFPITY is death. Selfpity is death, but shame is a whole different story. Becoming a shame just a whole differentstory. The way the Apostle Paul puts it. He says, hesays, worldly sorrow leads to death. Selfpity leads to death, but Godlysorrow leads to repentance and salvation. And you know, I've learned enough andover the time that we talked together you'll find out a little bit more aboutme and where I am and what I've I've done. So you'll understand whyfrom time tome at quote scripture and things like that. Doesn't mean you haveto do any of that stuff. You know. I mean just my it'smy story, my story. That's what they say. Our stories disclose inthe general way, what we used to be like, what we have andwhat what? What? What happened and what we are like. That thisis my story. I share my story. I don't impose my faith and whateverit this would be, on anybody, but I I my obligation is toexpose it and thank God, thank God, thank you, Lord.I got to a point where I finally have lost fear of people in theeconomic insecurity. Thanks God. It's not that the economic surity thing is madethe imputed really really has to do with the pure people think that I alwayshad people on my mind, people worried and all that sort of thank GodI lost that. You know, I spend my whole life wor and aboutwhat people think about me. I know that because I always used to sayI wota give a shit what people think about me. I'd say it toyou all louder about I don't give a crap of anything about I don't giveit. I tell myself was done it. But of course people who are constantlytelling themselves that theyn't give a crap what other people think about them.All they do is think about what other people think abbout them. Because peoplethat really don't care about what other people think about them ever to say Idon't give a crap what other people think about it. They say past thesugar or something like that. They don't say that Shit, you know whatI mean. And so one of the things that has to with alcoholism,besides the selfishness and the self centeredness, is the delusion, the delusion.You know, we can't separate the truth from the false. We tell ourselveswise like the dog. We tell ourselves lives. We lie to ourselves abouteverything and we believe our lives. I love my lies, I love mythinking, I love the way I think. That's a man. I'm a compulsivethinker. I can't, I can't think anything else but what I'm thinking. The only thing I think about is me and what I'm thinking. Nomatter what happens to my life, no matter what happens in my life,I immediately go to the person that I know is the most brilliant person totell me what it's all about. I go to me. I talked tome about me, you know. And you know something, I always agreewith everything I have to say. You know, it's just amazing, becausenobody understands me. I used to always sponsor. You don't understand. Itell everybody, listen. You know, who can possibly understand me? Whocould possibly understand me better? Than Me. So, as John Wayne said,life is tough and when you're stupid it's tougher. Now here's the goodthing. It's the bad news. You can't fix stupid, you understand,you cannot fit stupid, but insane you have a shot. See, there'sa shot. Was Insane. Absolutely. Now I've got to tell you something. When you're dealing with insane people, you know the second step, justof fan of just in case you're not following this, the second step iscame to believe that a power G in ourselves will restore us to sanity.Right. So let me just I'm not...

...going to spend the long time onthis because it's really shouldn't be that complicated. Is is you cannot be restored tosanity unless you're insane. Is that that? I lose anybody on that? You can't be restored to sanity unless you are insane. And the fact, now, listen me, the fact that you don't think you're insane doesn'tmean you're not insane. You understand that as a matter of fact. Thefact that you're insane and you don't think you're insane maybe part of the insanity. Am I making any sense? Okay, so so and the fact and so. What happens is when you're insane, and generally what I found is insanealcoholics like to hang out with other insane alcoholics because they understand each other. They say things while they're in the bar eleven o'clock night and the wifeis at home with the with the kids and they're getting drunk and they lookingat the blonds of the dance floor. They stay. They say all sortsof crap about their wives and how the wives don't understand them, and theirfriends say, yeah, she's a bit you had a kick her off tothe side and get another one. They like hanging out with insane people because, other than thinking my own thoughts and being in love with my own thoughts, the next best thing to my thoughts or the thoughts of my drinking buddies, my drinking buddies. I used to invite my wife, my first wife, so the bar to hang out with my drinking buddies and she said tome I don't want to hang out with them bums, and I took personaloffense at that. I said I I'm thinking, these guys are the greatestguys in the world and these are the guys that own thes are the onlyguys that understood me, and she's calling them bums. You understand, yousee you and what the economy is. It's just unbelieve so so here's here'sthe deal. I come to alcoholic signs that you understand. I don't knowwhat I'm insane. I didn't know I was insane. I what I knewis that I couldn't stop drinking and and that's enough. For a start,I knew I could not stop stop drinking because I had drank a lot andI actually tried to stop drinking. I would get up in the morning,I say I'm not going to have a drink today and by five o'clock Ibe and I was sincere when I said that. I would sincerely say I'mnot going to drink today and I would get and buy. Five o'clock Iwas drunk. I'm definitely want to says I'm not going to buy boost A. by five o'clock I'm search of Pibixs and quarters so I can buy acorp bottle of Carl source. He can't they and drink myself in doing Saturday, I'd say to myself, I'm not going to go to bar today andI go to the bar. I could not stop drinking and then finally Isay to myself, what's the use? You know I can't stop, I'mjust going to keep on drinking, and I kept on drinking. But byDecember twenty five, to remember December twenty that Christmas morning, at three o'clockmorning, after being kicked out of a note, a Buenner and in myup my bachelor pad, I had divorced my first wife and walked away fromher, in my house and my son and everything that was important because Iwas going to become to you, hefnor Miami. But apparently have to beable to stand up a that wobbling in order to do that Shit, youknow what I mean. And didn't quite work out for me. And sowhat happened was I found myself at three o'clock in the morning alone on Christmas. Nobody knows loneliness better than an alcoholic. You know I mean. I'll tellyou one thing. There's not. The worst fear is sober fear.The worst loneliness sober dropped loneliness. Nobody knows lone. You will know.Loneliness is for you to do. You get to the jumping off place.I was at the jumping all. I...

...was renting space in the jumping offplace they talked about in the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous, and Ihave. I was thirty one years old. I thought my life was over.It was never going to be better again. And materially I haven't hadlost a lot. I slide my apartment. I was a lawyer, so Imy law degree. I was still had a job, so I hada car. I had that deal going on, you know, and andbut I was incredibly ashamed of what had become an I could not stop drinking. I was alone on Christmas. I knew, of course, that Iwas the only person on the play earth that was alone on Christmas. Everybodyhad somebody and I thought my life was over. And I turned on TVand there was some preacher on there. I guess at three o'clock the morningon Christmas, they know who they're talking about. The must be I'm probablyspeaking these I guess he's for going to speaking all the drunks or something.And and he it was all about. It was all about the Gospel,which is good news, because you know what Gospel means, and the goodnews is that if you're a sinner, if your life is over, youcan change your life. You give me life to Jesus and I got downon my knees and a nano second and none of this, none of thisoff they say that crop and I'm walk to day. I want walked outthe door. You know, Blah, blah, blah. I just becauseyou know something. It was nothing else going on for me to grab ontoand I'm not. I'm actually lucky that was a preacher. I don't wantto put any religions, but I mean if, if the Harry Christians walkedin, I'd be down to the airport right now. That they're tambourine.But, you know, sort of glad it was a Christian guy. Butthen it's I got down on me K he's gave my life to Jesus.Christ has them come to my life. But not much different than the thirdstep, you know, the the sinner's prayer. You know, you know, accept you us, my Lord, and save you, Jesus. It'snot it's not something you have to do, you know. I mean there's alot about it. I can talk to you about. I can talkto you about how it inter fuses with the Oxford Movement and big buck andmaybe we'll get into that later on. But the point is that's I did. You know what I mean. So you may not want your says.If you want we have and you're willing to go to any length to getit, any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. You may not be going ready to go to any length together, ormaybe are ready to go to any length, but you don't want what I have. No, I'm I don't know, but it's my job to basically exposemy deal. That's my deal. So I don't want you to feel, if you have to be one of those people that somehow I've tendency towant that thing or think about that thing. Or if you're, let's say,what the hell ill used to work, open minded, open minded, andsay, well, you know, and it may not seem like abig deal to you, you know, accepting Lord of Ju Life, but, and you know, I'm telling you, for a Jewish kid from Britton atNew York, it was a huge deal. You know what I mean? And and and I'll whole bunch of other stuff happened after that and I'mnot going to go through it. You know, I I ultimate later ondown the road, became start going to a Bible study, became a deaconthe Presbyterian Church, started a ministry and everything in all sorts of stuff,and that's part of my life right now. And remarried forty over forty years andseven grandkids and four kids and anything like that, and that's a wholeother thing. Will Get in that story later on. But so any that, I I ultimately after thirty days later, I'd like to be able to sayto you that as soon as I accept the Lord in my life,you know, five drive eyes and two priests and a minister came down witha bag of doughnuts and said we got an a meeting going on over here, and everything was wonderful. But I continue to drink for thirty days andand and initially I thought I fought because of my thinking that nothing happened.You know a lot of times. Let me tell you something about this Aathing, and I talked from experience. You know my spots. You saywith a man for with experience, it's a man from money, the manman with money, the man from money with the man with experience, andwalk away with the money, and the man with the money will walked awaywith an experience. So what I'm talking about has to do with experience.It's not something I learned or I thought up or I'm just I'm just figured. This is my experience, you know, and my experience is that most ofthe time you are going through incredible spiritual growth and change in AA.You don't know what's happening. Did you...

...what I just said? You don'tknow what's happening. The time that you guys came in and finally gave upthe ghost and picked up a white chip and decided to do this thing.You See, you think that it happened in a moment and you don't realizethat for months before that, God was already working on you. And it'sbecause he's God and you're not, and he doesn't need your permission. He'snot really interested in consulting you, because you are crazy and he's not.You understand? You just let's let's operate under this premise. The big bookis right. Let's make believe for this purpose, because we're in a AAmeeting. Let's make believe and we belong to AA, and the big bookis our basic test we read that over and over again, we underline it. Everybody mounts it. They don't necessarily do it, they don't necessarily understandit, but they followed. We all agree. It's not backing the bookitself, it's this is our basic text which you all agree on. Solet's make believe, whether you believe it or not, that the big bookis right. And the big book says we're crazy, we're delusional, we'reselfish, we're self centered. Our alcoholic life is, it seems, theonly normal one. We can't, we can't separate the truth from the false. You know, we're self delusional, we're driven, driven to selfishness,driven by hundred forms of fear that we don't even know about and anxiety andall that sort of stuff. We step on toes brothers. They don't saywe're drunken. They we step on toes of others. Most people I heard, I wish I could say it's alcohols fault. Alcohol maybe doing most ofthe people I heard and disappoint their in a a include myself. I made. It's because the decisions I made cold stone, sober, and I shouldn'tsay sober without alcohol. You know I mean without alcohol running through me.You know I mean, I made some I said some unbelievable things to people. I heard people. My wife, my first wife, told me youcome home after five years of marriage, and I used to stay all nightand come up before o'clock the morning. She was at home with the baby, cooking dinner. Nice scalt never did anything wrong. I married him likelike alcoholics do. Everything I saw her. She was good looking, you knowI mean. I said, if only I could have that Gal,I'd be okay. If only I could have that car, I could beokay. If only got that boat, I'd to be okay. If onlyit have that job, I'd be okay. Volunti moved California. Be Okay,if only I had a house. She was just another thing. Ithought I knew about love. It was in love. It was lost,it was, it was. It was just another drink. I drank alcoholbecause no woman, no car, no matter money, no suit of clothes, no job, ever work quite as well as just and quite as fastas just a few drinks. And if it did for you what it didfor me when I was eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty five years old,you drink it too, but it came to a point time where alcoholstopped working for me. So I don't drinking in the same part of mylife as it stopped working for me about ten years before I realized it's notworking for me. And I heard a lot of people, but want toknow something, I drank alcohol and I couldn't stop drinking. And when youdo that, if the wheels fall off and you think it's a problem,and it is a problem, but it's not alcoholism, it's a symptom ofalcoholism, because I also not only drank alcohol, I drank women, Idrank cars, I drank money, I drank self pity, I drank alot of things. I remember sending a meeting look at some blond and saidsaying to my sponsor what I used to do in bars all the time,cold stone sober. I used to hit him like that and said look atthat Gal on if a row. My whole life is looking that down inthe front row. My whole life is...

...looking at the Gal at that table. And he looked at me. He says, you see that Gal Table? I said Yeah, he says for you, that's a bottle of Scotchwith legs. I used to Giggle, I laughed and then all of asudden, when I see her next, a big green bottle would form aroundit like it like destroy my mind. And you know, because that's whata woman was for me. Wasn't about love, it was about, ifonly I'd have her, I'd be okay. You know why? Because I've walkedin the bar with that goodlooking gown, all the guys be looking at meand I'd feel like a real man, that I was okay, and Iget in that car and I buy that car, that I couldn't bea forward because I'm a I'd let me tell you some my whole life isabout spending money. I don't have my shit. I don't need to impresspeople I don't like because I'm such a piece of crap, and I knowI'm a piece of crap, at least I know. I think I'm apiece of crap, even though I think I'm the greatest thing in the world, because I'm in the shower, lather or up and I'm cold, soldsober and I said I'm Ann Asshole. How to kill myself. And wheredoes that come from? I look around the sayings to saying that crap,to me and I'm the only guy in the in the shower. And Iknow one thing I used to think, one of my old ideas, isnobody could possibly understand me because nobody thinks the thoughts I thinks and I don'teven don't understand why I think the thoughts I think. And I come toalcoholics anonymous and all I see is twins. Everybody is thinking the way I'm thinking. And people come up to me and they're black and the white andthe male and the female and they had nothing to common me and they say, you're telling my story and I'm you're telling your tie. I was justyou're telling my story and I don't tell my story. But I've start realize, seen that if I'm an alcohol and I have these thoughts, then you'rean apple one like you have your thoughts, and all I have to do,for any decent a mean is just because honest and accessible and authentic asI possibly can. And once you learn how to fake that, you gotit made, let me tell you something. And that's the deal. And soI come in to alcoholics anonymous and I remember I when I when Istarted doing my and one of the things that what had happened. I neededa sponsor to do this because of course, once I start look my first myfirst wive set if I come on drunk more time, she's leaving me, and everything that was important to me and should have been recorded me wasright up there on the line. All I had do was get home stokesOber. I sat down to the bar stool to have one drink. Itold my Buddy Doug, my drinking buddy, does I got? I got toleave, I can only have one drink because Ronnie says if I comehome drunk, she's going to leave me. He puts his arm around me.It's thirty, you know what I mean. For thirty my home islike fifteen minutes way over the causeway, you know. He says I getmy one drink, a double scotch. Apparently I started to I realize that, but I don't want glass, one drink whatever. And he says,and this is the way I drank, I went whack, you know,and I was done because I wanted to get wherever I got, wherever thatwould take me fast, you know what I mean. I was in abig drink up, but I was a fast drinker. I can tell youthat and my slides just keep them coming, you know, and my I'm justputs his arm around me says she's Never gonna leave you, she lovesyou, you're the greatest guy in the world. She's crazy about you,and I'm thinking, Holy Shit, that's exactly the way I feel. Thisguy is brilliant, im that's I love these guys. Next night, Iknow three o'clocks more. I go home. The next day I'm kicked out ofmy house and that's the end of the five year of marriage. EverythingI should I should, everything I cared about, it should have cared about, was out the window because I did not go and I all I saidto myself was free, I'm free, free to go to the bar.I was never free not to go to the bar, free to date thewomen. I was never free to be married to anybody. I couldn't loveanybody, to think about anybody. All I cared about is my needs,my pleasure, why, my wants and what I needed. And the truthis I didn't know even know what I really needed. I just thought whatI thought I needed, which none of that ever helped me. And thena month later I'm with a I'm with a marriage counselor because my wife wantedto see whether she can make the marriage get together, because apparently they saysomething like to death to us part I don't know about that crap. Youknow what I mean. But it was...

...a great party, you know whatI mean. But this, you know, I've put in five years. Iwas already had a date with some redhead. I was again and I'msitting there and I'm living them because I'm feeling little guilty. I got togo there at least go through this crap. And he asked my ex wife.He says, he says. So what are the three things you wantto change about Russell? And she said three things. I wasn't even listeningbecause I'm thinking, man, they get me back in this cage, Ican't date women or stuff like that. And and I think she said something, she must mention some about coming home or not drinking or something. Andthen he had said to me, what do you? What do you?What do you want to change about your wife? And I looked at himand I looked at her. I said, I just want to date other women. I was a sober when I said that in front of her,my wife, who had sat home for five years. Wait, I wasa sober when I said that to her. I was as sober as I amright now physically. So don't tell me alcohol maybe do shitty things topeople. You know what I am when I when am I? I'm justsaying, my sponsor, I read the thing. I'm selfish, self sided, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, stuffingin tones of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation, but we learn. We make decisions based upon self, which puts us into position to beheard. So an alcohol the self woman, right, though he usually doesn't thinkso. Doesn't think so, doesn't think so above everything. We mustget rid of this selfishness. Forget the booze. Forget the booze. Wemust get rid of this selfishness. How do you get rid of something thatyou don't even think you are and think of basically a good boy, andpeople just don't understand you. That's not your fault. Somebody else's to blame. First we got to figure out what we're selfish. What a selfish mean? What is it? It's a form of insanity, it's a form ofthan said, we must our kills. This God makes that possible, whichis a real proper alcoholics, because I don't believe in God. Well,I don't know what to tell you. That's the big book of alcoholics,anonymous. So let's make up a god. Let's say good arly direction. WhoTermin is good orderly direction? I do. I like that God.I'll make my own God. You know, I can cheat on my life.You know what I mean. God won't forgive me. It's not abig deal. You know what I mean. I'll make it my old God or, you know something, whatever, I don't know. So I comein here and two alcoholics, anonymous, and I. Let's assume this.I'm just I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me, because Iasked my sponsor, what does that all mean? Something, he says,you know, he says what it means is you don't give a shit aboutanybody except yourself. That sounds like a pretty evil, crappy person, andthat's because I was a pretty evil crappy person. Now, I didn't thinkI was pretty evil crappy person. You asked me. I'm crappy eyes ano, I'm craving person. I'm not. It's not like I killed anybody.I'm not like Adolf Hitler. I'm not a serial killer, which isbasically how I rank myself. Are you good? Well, I'm not aserial killer. I'm not Alf Hitler. I didn't do this, I didn'tdo that. I'm a lawyer. I got you know what I mean.And and I I saw to think I'm I am like I'm proud of myself. You know all the shy I think of all the Shit I how wonderfulI am. If anything shitty comes comes up, I just thankfully tell myselfI either don't believe it or I never happened, or I would have doneit if it was basically your fault in the first place. I would havedone this if you didn't do that. So I come to alcoholics anonymous.I think I have a drinking problem and, low behold, I stopped drinking.Low and behold, I listen to a sponsor. He tells me todo a few things and in a moment of weakness and a moment of feelingweak and a moment of feeling powerless, I actually follow directions. I goto meetings, I get down on my knee, I join a home group, I get down on my knees. I read the twenty four hour butevery day I ask God's help to say so. I don't even know whohe is, but I do it. I do what I'm told to doand I start feeling better and I stopped drinking and the problem is solved.The problem is solved because because my problem is is I can't stop drinking,and now I've stopped drinking. With me now let me tell you a little. Let me tell you a little to...

...a factual truth. In my lifeI've gone to tens of thousands of a means. I sponsored hundreds and hundredsof men. I work with thousands of alcoholics. I can't tell you Idid really for eight years. I've done the deal. Okay, let metell you the truth. For every well, I wish I had a dolphin.I wish I had a dollar for every man or woman I've heard orrun into an AA who has told me that they were sober for a substantialperiod of time and then they drank. I wish I could tell you howmany times. Even today, at Zoom means, whatever means, I meetpeople who say I had twenty five years and then I drank. I hadten years and then I drank. I had five years and then I drank. I had two years and then I drank. After gown, the meetings, after reading the Big Book, after being in contact with people in amaybe even sitting through things like that. Twenty years, thirty years and everything. I for every for every Fivezero people that I've met in Aa that drankafter they got sober. I've met maybe one person that has over thirty years. Now. I may be wrong about that. You and I may bewrong about that. I'd somebody told me is toist. It's one half ofone percent of everybody who comes in. They only one half of one percent. I think that's one and two hundred gets over twenty years. I don'tknow what that's true or not, but I can tell you that for allI know, it could be for every tenzero people I meet that I've heardabout that drank after sobriety, there's maybe one person that has over thirty yearsof contented rocketed in the fourth dimension sobriety. You know what I say. Isay the great facts is this. If you want to be rocket inthe fourth dimension of existence, if you want to experience once much of Heaven, the great fact is this, nothing less, that God becomes the centralfact of your life and you're convinced that he lives in your heart mind,which indeed miraculous. He's doing for you what you can't do for yourself.You see the relationship with him. It's trying. A great eventsal come topaths for you and countless others. Give yourself utterly, abandon yourself to God. You know, God will show you how to create the fellowship you create. No, you mean. I mean I. You may not meet us, but that's okay, God. You know, because your real reliance mustalways be on God. You know. May you find him now? Noperson getting out from you. Know. You can't manage away out of this. It only has to be God. We're on a new basis of trustingthem and relying upon God, a new basis. We never apologize to anybodyfor God. We never apologize for a belief in God, our faith inGod. All men of faith have courage. We never apologize. We let himdemonstrate in our lives what we can do. There's no secret with God. Can do what he's done. Brothers, he can do for you. AndI'm in a fellowship where ninety percent of the people don't want to talkabout God because they're scared of what other people say about them. They're moreworried about other people's opinion about it, because there's so freaking scared of fearof people. Never which is the real alcoholism? The envy and the fearand the horribleness. And what are the people going to think? It's noteven the money. I lose the car. The next question is what all peoplethink? I lose my house, what will people think? You knowwhat I mean. I'm fat. What will people think? You know Idon't have a job. What will people think? It's all about the judgmentof others. How do you escape that? You can escape the booze. Howdo you escape worrying about what everybody thinks about you? You can't talkat meetings. If you're talking means what did I say? Why did Isay that? What are they think about me? How do you escape thatstuff? And that's only the tip of the iceberg, because I'm insane.I'm insane and we I don't even know what the insanity is. I comein, I get read the booze and I don't even know what the insanityis. Guy called me up by sponsored...

...the guy named Tommy, still sober. They God bless him, and he said I think I have believe it. He was a he was a guy. I was in the State Attorney's officewith Co Prosecutor. Great Guy. Finally cocaine and boost come down tohis knees. He was sleeping on the floor. I picked him up tothem a meeting. He took to it like a dug tuck to water.He loved it, you know, got sober, got strike out, everything, wonderful. Three months later he's going tons of me and three months laterhe calls him out of the phone. He says Ross, he's like whispering, like somebody's gonna listen as I said, what's up, what's going on?Since I think I have to leave a a. What are you talkingabout? Says I think I have believe A. I said, Tommy,what are you telling me? Is I don't think I'm an alcoholic. Isaid, what are you talking about? You I think you're alcohol thrown theprobation officers floor. Your hair was down to here. You know, youalmost much your job. Yeah, you almost got in trouble. You couldn'tstop trigging, couldn't talk. Anybody says. I know, I know. Hesays you love a what the Hay say says, I know, Iknow, I know, I know, he says. I know what thathe says. I haven't I drink two much. I know he's just butlisten, when I was a listen and I don't think I'm an alcohol hesays. I think, I think I might just be crazy. And Isaid, Tommy said what I said, Tommy's just one, he says,listening to me as what he says, you can be both. He said. Really. I said absolutely, absolutely, because he was scream on sober,you, I haven't have a drink, and he was going nuts in hismind at three o'clock in the morning. He was going crazy, tenzero thoughtsat the same time, over and over again, getting him nervous andout. The couldn't get out of it, could understand what was wrong with thembecause he was experienced from the first time something called alcoholism. And youmay feel like you can't stop drinking, but wait till you can't to thepoint where you can't stop thinking, where you can't stop worrying. We can'tstop thinking of the same thing over and over and over and over again,and it's three o'clock morning, your five years sober and you're thinking about him, her. It the situation for a week. You've been thinking about itand you can't tell anybody because nobody would understand. You know what I mean, and all you can do is trying to think me yourself. They haveto think about for a week, you realize you're thinking the same thing overand over and over again, and it's not getting better, it's getting worseand you're got to die and terrible things going to happen. You don't knowwhat's doing, where to go, but you know this. You say toyourself, I got to stop thinking about this, I can't get to sleep. I got to stop thinking about this. And for Anamos and you stop thinking. Then you start thinking about it again. See what the Hell iswrong with me? And it's something called alcoholism. And so you're coming hereand you're in bondage to alcohol and in order to break that bondage, yougot to turn to a power, getting yourself in order to break the bondageof alcoholism. And after fifteen years of drinking, you finally get down onyour knees and give your life to God. Or whatever he is, and youdo the stuff and all of a sudden, out of the blue,you're not drinking. You have no idea why you're not drinking. The truthis, you don't have a clue. All you know is what happened.You hit bottom. You hit why all this insistent, as I hadn't bonds. Nobody's going to do this thing unless they think the life depends money.All you know you hit bottom and something happened, like a light switch wentoff, and all of a sudden you decide to do things that you wouldnever do. You went to an at which you would ever go. Youpicked up a white him. What you would ever you go. You hadsome good to be a sponsor. What you would ever do? You actuallystart reading the book. What you never would. You went back to me, what you never to. All of a sudden you start doing things.You don't even know why you're doing it. You think it had something do withyou, but three weeks ago you would have never thought about doing this. It's just something changed and it had something nothing do with you. Andthey tell you what has nothing do with you. You have no power.The power is and God. God is helping you out. He's giving youa gift. And that took me after fifteen years of drinking, or twentyyears or thirty years of drinking. And you think it's okay and you neverreally feel it, realize until you start experiencing life sober and seeing the realinsanity, not the drinking, that is a symptom, but that saying thatlives in your heart and mind which makes your life impossible. And you don'tsee it until you're sober, until you're going through the crap, until you'regoing through the bullshit, until you're going...

...through the money problems, until yougoing do the vanity problems, until you go through the stuff problems, untilyou're going through if I only had this problem, if I land that problem, what would they think about me? And what's gonna Happen? Until yougo through life on life's terms and it hits you with the trials and thetribulations, real stuff and imaginary shit. What does it say? Real,fancy, too real, it doesn't even have to be real, just yourbrain, and somehow you know that some wrong. You don't know what itis that's wrong and you're going crazy and you go to twenty meetings and nothing'shappening. It doesn't seem to be working and everything and the only that's happenedis yet any more miserable and more miserable and more mead's role. And thenfinally, somehow, your force to your knees to want to get rid ofthis thing, whatever it is, so much. And then maybe after fiveyears, all of a sudden you're not always thinking about women or men orsex or romance, or all of a sudden you, I always think aboutall of a sudden, slowly but surely, you start seeing. you start seeingthe bondage to the sex, the bondage to the romance, the bondageto the money that. But you think you're just in a cage having todo with alcohol, and you start seeing how big the damn page is.And every every, every year that goes by, it's a new cage,a new thing, a new deal, and you can't believe that, whatthe Hell's going on? You can't believe just just like with the booze,you're gonna have to go to do the first step over and over and overagain, repeated humiliations, the new perspect repeated humiliations, until you in thecrushing of your self, sufficiency and that's not the first step, as matterdid is the first step, but it's found in the seventh step, whichcomes after the sixth step, which separates them from the boys. And yougot the people that come in here and they stop drinking. You know what? I remember what I told you. I said for every two thousand peoplethat drank again after coming in here with long term sobriety, one guy withover thirty years with contented sobriety. For every Fivezero people that come in hereand stop drinking that go out again, one guy with over forty years sobriety. So here's the deal. Not Drinking, not drinking does not ensure that youwon't drink. Let that sink in. Not Drinking in no way ensures thatyou won't drink. Now, listen, I'm not putting down the old timersback there that they crust, the old guys. I say there's notthe plug in the job. It's all bullshit. Forget the God. Think, but that God is not for you. Don't worry about that Shit. Butthe plug in the drug. Let me tell you what the story is, what the Plus story is. If you if the only thing you're inhere for is not drinking. You will drink. You will drink, youwill drink or you will be miserable, and I didn't sign up for miserable. Sobriety. Obviously there's got to be something else. There's got to besomething else. Something else is got to happen and anybody who's been around aand is hung around with the guys with the thirty, forty years, you'dhave to be deaft on the blinds and not see there's something else going on. They're not always talking about the drink and they're talking about something else.BUILD DOTS and alcohols number not number three, said the Lord. said. Iknew there was something more, something I hadn't got, something a personwant to have. I was trying to find the answer and Bill Wilson wasin my house and I was listening to him and I was trying to figureout what it was. They had such a release, they have at suchrelease from this deal. They had the promises, they had the stuff wetalked about. The Bill Wilson turned to my wife, Henriette, and said, Henrietta, the Lord God has been...

...so wonderful to me, turning meof this trouble. As thease, I got to keep talking about him,telling other people and build dots and said I have the answer, the goldentext. Bill believed in God and he was grateful to God and he gaveall credit to God for everything I was going on in his life, nocredit to himself, and he was so excited about that he couldn't help hewanted to tell other people and he wanted to spread the word and he wasn'tembarrassed about it. He did wasn't apologetic about it. You know, hedidn't apologize. And meetings. Every time you said, Lord, God hasnothing, to actually read the Bible. It's matter the books, thank foundabsolutely essential. First Quentin Thirteen, son of the amount and the book ofJames, Books that nobody reads these days because they're scared to read about becauseeven though it says in a literature that was the books that they read.When they say really, I've seen pursue of the start thoroughly followed our badmost people are closed mind, even though they say we don't. We loseall prejudice, even against orientators of the religion, we begin to see whatthey're right. Most people and a do not have the open mindedness, thewillingness or the courage to actually look at that stuff. You know why?Because they're more worried about what other people think about and those people who arenot willing to go further down the road are people that will never ever losefear of what other people think about so you got to live a sober lifeworry about what other people think about you all the time, which is acrummy, shit, shitty life. which is a shitty life. I meanyou can go to forty years of meetings and feel Shitty, or you cango to forty meets that forty years of means, and feel free. Youcan go to thirty, twenty years of meetings and be ashamed of yourself andtry to figure out why you're always screwing up and what's wrong with you,or you can go to twenty years of meetings of be free and being you. You got a choice. It's your choice. You know what I mean. It's your choice. It's your choice. You know. That's the deal.The same address rehearsal. It's not like you know. Yeah, youknow. You send your bed in your ninety years old and you about todie and all of a sudden you're saying to yourself see maybe I should havedone it differently. It's too late now, right. So, so, sometimesit takes a long time to figure out the insanity. You know,I can't tell you about the inside. I can mention a few things.Maybe you'll think about and say, yeah, I felt that way up in thatway. I said, that's the that's alcoholic. That's the real ofalcoholism, not the drinking. The drinking is what alcoholics do when they're sufferingfrom alcoholism. If you don't, if you give up the booze, butyou don't work on the alcoholism which continues, which has to do with the insanity. You understand, even if you don't drink again, you'll never feelfor it. You won't be happy with your sobriety. In the big bookit says this one thing, and I'll end on this. It says hereand there, once in a whiles, and vision for you. Check itout here and there. You know, nothing I've said tonight differs from anythingin a literature. It is possible, believe it or not, to readthe big book alcoholics anonymous, even though it's all in there a thing Isaid, and not see it as matter fact. Most of us do.We only see certain stippets. Nine years sober will see a line that we'veread a thousand times in only shit. That's exactly what's going on with makejust will see through a glass darkly. And the Biblical says here and thereonce in a while, an alcohol being dry for the moment. You know, I used to think that dealt with guys with three months. It couldbe a deal with a guy with thirty years and alcohol being dry at themoment. You all drive the moment. Says feel better, look better,I'm having a better time. We laugh at that kind of Shit. Weknow it's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with thesobriety. No, sooner on. No, loneliness is few do they'll be atthe jumping off place. You can be the jumping off place a tenyears sober. You can be the jumping off place at twenty five years sober. Every day you can be at the jumping off place. You know youneed to once you stop drinking, you need to figure out you need tojust assume that you're crazy. Listen to me, you will never have aproblem. My sponsors used to drill into...

...me because I had all these degreeson the wall and every that I was crazy. My sponsor never missed anopportunity to tell me my my best thinking on my best day got me inthe position I'm in, that I know as much about life as a dogknew about his father. My first sponsor was not with every incredible sponsor,eventor I had was never never felt bad about pricking my balloon and blowing upmy idea about how fantastic I was. You know what I mean. Iwas brought up to think that I'm a basket taste. Now I better notdo anything on my own, no matter how bright grouch in the brainstorm wasnot for me. You didn't want to hear about my brainstorms, you know, and my you know that kind of stuff. And the bottom line isyou're probably going to do better off in your life, sort of like withthe underlying feeling that you're nuts, that you're crazy and that any sanity thatyou have or anything good is going on of you as something to do withGod work in your life behind your back, without asking your permission and maybe becausethe things that you've been willing to do, things you've been never tostep forward, and thinking about how good you're doing. He goes out greatyou are, how smart you are and how it's probably a better attitude tohave, like the attitude Bill Wilson. That so thank you very much.God blessed.

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