AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Step 2 at the 12 Step House 5/13/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 2 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 5/13/2021

My name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic, so I remember the south Ta Sea Group. I haven't found this to a drink since January twenty. January twenty, twenty and twenty five. One thousand nine hundred and eighty one, forty years. Forty years. It's consensibility thing kicks in every once in a while. I do feel to be totally transparent. I have to share that right, but see how this works out. In any event, I have been enough to have a drink. I've been married for forty years, of sober for over forty years, and married that matter, when ice two months ober, and I want to mention that in case some of you guys are sort of staring at some of the gals here. Something like that. My sponsor said don't make any major decisions are in your first year. I didn't think was a big deal. I was. I was wrong about that, by the way, but it's too late now. She's remember lent on our ladies perpetrol revenge, and you know, it's a great al Non ten step. When I'm wrong, she probably admits it's so it's all working out. And I'm going to talk about something I have no idea what I'm going to talk about. I don't have them. It's all that stemporaneous. I have no idea what that means. Look it up, but it's a long word. Sounds good. I don't have any can shit. You know a couple. Maybe I'll say something. But you guys, by the way, you guys. Have you guys ever hear about the alky dog? Nobody's ever heard about the Olkey dog. You know, I ran into an alkey dog, did you? I mean I actually there are alcoholic dogs out there. So I mean this is a true story. I mean that's you. You're already, you know, throwing what it called throw a dust on me, or dirt on me, with it having shade on me. you're already throwing shade on me. So you see, I am cool shade throwing share. Okay, so I was driving down the street and I saw this sign. Now, you guys, I think last week I'll talk about the ten dollar cruise. Okay, but you haven't heard about ten dollar dog, about the Abbey Dog. So I'm driving down the stream. This is big sign in front of this house where I live. You know, it says it says talking dog for sale ten so catches my eye. So I I stopped as a guy sitting out front, you know, guys sent out front. I said you got a sign there, talking dog for sale for ten dollars. Yep. I said, was that legitimates? Yea, yeah, sure. I said. Well, where's the dogs? Is Out back. Can I talk to him? She's short. He's out back. Could be able to talk to you. Go back and talk to him for them. So I walk in the back of the House and this is dog's Mane, old dog, you know, sort of sitting the airline there and I walked him and I say hi, are you the talking dog? He says, Yep, this is U. talks. is absolutely because I can't believe you're talking. Dog says yeah, that's that's what that's the deal. Like I talk. I said, well, and what's your story? I mean, I've never heard of a talking dog. I never heard of he's as well, you know, he says. You know, I'm retired now, but I spent the first twenty years of my life working for the CIA, and this is true. Story says. And what happened was I was I was in Russia and my owner worked for the KGP and and I used to go to all the meanings of the Kremlin and, you know, they didn't mind. He would sit me down there in the Kremlin and and I would listen to everything and I would memorize it because I have a like photographic memory and they figured on my dog, you know, they don't know. And so I had a handler. You know, see, I hand learned for twenty years. I would tell the handler basically what they were talking about at the Kremlin, the KGB meetings. I said that it's pretty amazing. He said Yeah, he says, he says. But I left that after twenty years and I came home and I retired from CIA and then I started working for Monsanto and it with industrial ession one, and I used to go over to dupont, you know, or three am or something like that, and I would say there, means I had a own of the Saturday there means of care board,...

...and I would take down all the you know, the information about their new stuff coming out and everything I bring back to Montsanto and I did that for about ten or fifteen years and I've been retired for about five or six years. And I said that's an amazing story. I mean it's some of you would write that story. If Hollywood says yeah, I think they are. I think there's going to be some sort of screenprint player something. I said. Well, well, listen, I don't know. I mean I have a house down the street. You know, I got seven grand kids and four kids and we have a great house. I have a couple of dogs and you know, I think you'd really like the I'm going to talk to your your owner about maybe buying us. Is No problem. Love to do it, no problem, it's fine and me. So I I go back to the owner and I say, I said, I spoke to you dog. He said, yeah, I'm so. He says why? I think I want to buy it. He says, he said Shit, no promises. How much? I said that. He said ten bucks. I said ten bocks. He said Yeah, ten bucks. I said, can ask you a question, I said, says. I said, you know, he's a talking dog. I mean, why would you sound for ten bucks? He said he's a liar, a liar, he didn't do any of that Shit. Didn't do any of that Shit. You know, is that out? You know what I mean? I told my sponsor once, I said when he we were when I first got in they were going to say Lord's prayer. I didn't know what I wanted to hold head. Said words prayer and he said a lot of I says, well, I don't want to be a hypocrite. He said, too late. You busted that way before you got to alcoholic. You know I mean, you mean, you mean saying one thing and doing anhing is. Don't even worried about hypothing. It's too late for you, you know, and and that kind of deal. So we're going to talk a little bit about the second staff for the third of the fifth or whatever. It is gonna be a lot of steps involved here. I started, you know, this group. I'm glad to be this is a great group. Twelvet of House. I've been doing steps series for thirty five years and and I think I've been doing step series almost every year for the last twenty five years for this group, except maybe on miss last year because covid thing or whatever it is. I can't remember. But it's always good to be here and it's got quite a few people here, you know, and I know we're spacing out so it's not as many as there used to be, but it really is great to be here. And but when I first started doing the steps, I don't know. You know, when I came to a I didn't have any story. There's no story. No story, you know. I mean who has a story? I have no idea. You know, a friend, a guy, once stole me. It says, when you reach age it. I came in when I was thirty one years old, donand stole me when you reached the age. If you're if you're, if you're in your s and you don't know who you are, why you're even on the planet, you're going to be neurotic. You know, when I was one of the rock son of a bitch, and I didn't know what my purpose was on the plan or who I was, or what I was or what I was doing here. I I we talked about the first step last time. I told you about all that, but I did. But I don't know how you did the first step. I did it by what I did is I drank. I drank a lot, you know. So somebody asked me how you do the first drank first step. I say great, you'll get there, don't worry, you'll die or you'll get there, you know. And so I just dragged my way into the first. I drag my way into powerlessness. I drank my way until December twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, at three o'clock in the morning, when I was thirty one years old and I thought my life was over and it was never going to get better again. And I had something called the Apostle Paul calls godly sound sorrow, not worldly sorrow, which I still with self pity. That's a different deal. I've always felt sorry for myself, always sat by the record player, drinking my angles out the songs, only the lonely, almost the blue raineys and Monday's, thinking about all those girls and how they rip my heart out and what they did to me. I show them, and thinking about my funeral. I was always good at Selfpity, whether without booze, I was always good to feeling sorry for myself, blaming other people, feeling lonely and feeling like I didn't need even boost to do that. It just sort of help the process. But the bottom line is is that I wasn't. I...

...wasn't filled with self pity. I was filled with some other deal going on. It was, it was. I was a shame. I become. I was not. I was never ashamed of myself, but I was ashamed of myself. I I got to be honest with you. After forty years of over, forty years of doing this thing, I think I think shamee plays a great part in helping people get to where they have to go. SELFPITY is death. Selfpity is death, but shame is a whole different story. Becoming a shame just a whole different story. The way the Apostle Paul puts it. He says, he says, worldly sorrow leads to death. Selfpity leads to death, but Godly sorrow leads to repentance and salvation. And you know, I've learned enough and over the time that we talked together you'll find out a little bit more about me and where I am and what I've I've done. So you'll understand why from time tome at quote scripture and things like that. Doesn't mean you have to do any of that stuff. You know. I mean just my it's my story, my story. That's what they say. Our stories disclose in the general way, what we used to be like, what we have and what what? What? What happened and what we are like. That this is my story. I share my story. I don't impose my faith and whatever it this would be, on anybody, but I I my obligation is to expose it and thank God, thank God, thank you, Lord. I got to a point where I finally have lost fear of people in the economic insecurity. Thanks God. It's not that the economic surity thing is made the imputed really really has to do with the pure people think that I always had people on my mind, people worried and all that sort of thank God I lost that. You know, I spend my whole life wor and about what people think about me. I know that because I always used to say I wota give a shit what people think about me. I'd say it to you all louder about I don't give a crap of anything about I don't give it. I tell myself was done it. But of course people who are constantly telling themselves that theyn't give a crap what other people think about them. All they do is think about what other people think abbout them. Because people that really don't care about what other people think about them ever to say I don't give a crap what other people think about it. They say past the sugar or something like that. They don't say that Shit, you know what I mean. And so one of the things that has to with alcoholism, besides the selfishness and the self centeredness, is the delusion, the delusion. You know, we can't separate the truth from the false. We tell ourselves wise like the dog. We tell ourselves lives. We lie to ourselves about everything and we believe our lives. I love my lies, I love my thinking, I love the way I think. That's a man. I'm a compulsive thinker. I can't, I can't think anything else but what I'm thinking. The only thing I think about is me and what I'm thinking. No matter what happens to my life, no matter what happens in my life, I immediately go to the person that I know is the most brilliant person to tell me what it's all about. I go to me. I talked to me about me, you know. And you know something, I always agree with everything I have to say. You know, it's just amazing, because nobody understands me. I used to always sponsor. You don't understand. I tell everybody, listen. You know, who can possibly understand me? Who could possibly understand me better? Than Me. So, as John Wayne said, life is tough and when you're stupid it's tougher. Now here's the good thing. It's the bad news. You can't fix stupid, you understand, you cannot fit stupid, but insane you have a shot. See, there's a shot. Was Insane. Absolutely. Now I've got to tell you something. When you're dealing with insane people, you know the second step, just of fan of just in case you're not following this, the second step is came to believe that a power G in ourselves will restore us to sanity. Right. So let me just I'm not...

...going to spend the long time on this because it's really shouldn't be that complicated. Is is you cannot be restored to sanity unless you're insane. Is that that? I lose anybody on that? You can't be restored to sanity unless you are insane. And the fact, now, listen me, the fact that you don't think you're insane doesn't mean you're not insane. You understand that as a matter of fact. The fact that you're insane and you don't think you're insane maybe part of the insanity. Am I making any sense? Okay, so so and the fact and so. What happens is when you're insane, and generally what I found is insane alcoholics like to hang out with other insane alcoholics because they understand each other. They say things while they're in the bar eleven o'clock night and the wife is at home with the with the kids and they're getting drunk and they looking at the blonds of the dance floor. They stay. They say all sorts of crap about their wives and how the wives don't understand them, and their friends say, yeah, she's a bit you had a kick her off to the side and get another one. They like hanging out with insane people because, other than thinking my own thoughts and being in love with my own thoughts, the next best thing to my thoughts or the thoughts of my drinking buddies, my drinking buddies. I used to invite my wife, my first wife, so the bar to hang out with my drinking buddies and she said to me I don't want to hang out with them bums, and I took personal offense at that. I said I I'm thinking, these guys are the greatest guys in the world and these are the guys that own thes are the only guys that understood me, and she's calling them bums. You understand, you see you and what the economy is. It's just unbelieve so so here's here's the deal. I come to alcoholic signs that you understand. I don't know what I'm insane. I didn't know I was insane. I what I knew is that I couldn't stop drinking and and that's enough. For a start, I knew I could not stop stop drinking because I had drank a lot and I actually tried to stop drinking. I would get up in the morning, I say I'm not going to have a drink today and by five o'clock I be and I was sincere when I said that. I would sincerely say I'm not going to drink today and I would get and buy. Five o'clock I was drunk. I'm definitely want to says I'm not going to buy boost A. by five o'clock I'm search of Pibixs and quarters so I can buy a corp bottle of Carl source. He can't they and drink myself in doing Saturday, I'd say to myself, I'm not going to go to bar today and I go to the bar. I could not stop drinking and then finally I say to myself, what's the use? You know I can't stop, I'm just going to keep on drinking, and I kept on drinking. But by December twenty five, to remember December twenty that Christmas morning, at three o'clock morning, after being kicked out of a note, a Buenner and in my up my bachelor pad, I had divorced my first wife and walked away from her, in my house and my son and everything that was important because I was going to become to you, hefnor Miami. But apparently have to be able to stand up a that wobbling in order to do that Shit, you know what I mean. And didn't quite work out for me. And so what happened was I found myself at three o'clock in the morning alone on Christmas. Nobody knows loneliness better than an alcoholic. You know I mean. I'll tell you one thing. There's not. The worst fear is sober fear. The worst loneliness sober dropped loneliness. Nobody knows lone. You will know. Loneliness is for you to do. You get to the jumping off place. I was at the jumping all. I...

...was renting space in the jumping off place they talked about in the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous, and I have. I was thirty one years old. I thought my life was over. It was never going to be better again. And materially I haven't had lost a lot. I slide my apartment. I was a lawyer, so I my law degree. I was still had a job, so I had a car. I had that deal going on, you know, and and but I was incredibly ashamed of what had become an I could not stop drinking. I was alone on Christmas. I knew, of course, that I was the only person on the play earth that was alone on Christmas. Everybody had somebody and I thought my life was over. And I turned on TV and there was some preacher on there. I guess at three o'clock the morning on Christmas, they know who they're talking about. The must be I'm probably speaking these I guess he's for going to speaking all the drunks or something. And and he it was all about. It was all about the Gospel, which is good news, because you know what Gospel means, and the good news is that if you're a sinner, if your life is over, you can change your life. You give me life to Jesus and I got down on my knees and a nano second and none of this, none of this off they say that crop and I'm walk to day. I want walked out the door. You know, Blah, blah, blah. I just because you know something. It was nothing else going on for me to grab onto and I'm not. I'm actually lucky that was a preacher. I don't want to put any religions, but I mean if, if the Harry Christians walked in, I'd be down to the airport right now. That they're tambourine. But, you know, sort of glad it was a Christian guy. But then it's I got down on me K he's gave my life to Jesus. Christ has them come to my life. But not much different than the third step, you know, the the sinner's prayer. You know, you know, accept you us, my Lord, and save you, Jesus. It's not it's not something you have to do, you know. I mean there's a lot about it. I can talk to you about. I can talk to you about how it inter fuses with the Oxford Movement and big buck and maybe we'll get into that later on. But the point is that's I did. You know what I mean. So you may not want your says. If you want we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it, any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. You may not be going ready to go to any length together, or maybe are ready to go to any length, but you don't want what I have. No, I'm I don't know, but it's my job to basically expose my deal. That's my deal. So I don't want you to feel, if you have to be one of those people that somehow I've tendency to want that thing or think about that thing. Or if you're, let's say, what the hell ill used to work, open minded, open minded, and say, well, you know, and it may not seem like a big deal to you, you know, accepting Lord of Ju Life, but, and you know, I'm telling you, for a Jewish kid from Britton at New York, it was a huge deal. You know what I mean? And and and I'll whole bunch of other stuff happened after that and I'm not going to go through it. You know, I I ultimate later on down the road, became start going to a Bible study, became a deacon the Presbyterian Church, started a ministry and everything in all sorts of stuff, and that's part of my life right now. And remarried forty over forty years and seven grandkids and four kids and anything like that, and that's a whole other thing. Will Get in that story later on. But so any that, I I ultimately after thirty days later, I'd like to be able to say to you that as soon as I accept the Lord in my life, you know, five drive eyes and two priests and a minister came down with a bag of doughnuts and said we got an a meeting going on over here, and everything was wonderful. But I continue to drink for thirty days and and and initially I thought I fought because of my thinking that nothing happened. You know a lot of times. Let me tell you something about this Aa thing, and I talked from experience. You know my spots. You say with a man for with experience, it's a man from money, the man man with money, the man from money with the man with experience, and walk away with the money, and the man with the money will walked away with an experience. So what I'm talking about has to do with experience. It's not something I learned or I thought up or I'm just I'm just figured. This is my experience, you know, and my experience is that most of the time you are going through incredible spiritual growth and change in AA. You don't know what's happening. Did you...

...what I just said? You don't know what's happening. The time that you guys came in and finally gave up the ghost and picked up a white chip and decided to do this thing. You See, you think that it happened in a moment and you don't realize that for months before that, God was already working on you. And it's because he's God and you're not, and he doesn't need your permission. He's not really interested in consulting you, because you are crazy and he's not. You understand? You just let's let's operate under this premise. The big book is right. Let's make believe for this purpose, because we're in a AA meeting. Let's make believe and we belong to AA, and the big book is our basic test we read that over and over again, we underline it. Everybody mounts it. They don't necessarily do it, they don't necessarily understand it, but they followed. We all agree. It's not backing the book itself, it's this is our basic text which you all agree on. So let's make believe, whether you believe it or not, that the big book is right. And the big book says we're crazy, we're delusional, we're selfish, we're self centered. Our alcoholic life is, it seems, the only normal one. We can't, we can't separate the truth from the false. You know, we're self delusional, we're driven, driven to selfishness, driven by hundred forms of fear that we don't even know about and anxiety and all that sort of stuff. We step on toes brothers. They don't say we're drunken. They we step on toes of others. Most people I heard, I wish I could say it's alcohols fault. Alcohol maybe doing most of the people I heard and disappoint their in a a include myself. I made. It's because the decisions I made cold stone, sober, and I shouldn't say sober without alcohol. You know I mean without alcohol running through me. You know I mean, I made some I said some unbelievable things to people. I heard people. My wife, my first wife, told me you come home after five years of marriage, and I used to stay all night and come up before o'clock the morning. She was at home with the baby, cooking dinner. Nice scalt never did anything wrong. I married him like like alcoholics do. Everything I saw her. She was good looking, you know I mean. I said, if only I could have that Gal, I'd be okay. If only I could have that car, I could be okay. If only got that boat, I'd to be okay. If only it have that job, I'd be okay. Volunti moved California. Be Okay, if only I had a house. She was just another thing. I thought I knew about love. It was in love. It was lost, it was, it was. It was just another drink. I drank alcohol because no woman, no car, no matter money, no suit of clothes, no job, ever work quite as well as just and quite as fast as just a few drinks. And if it did for you what it did for me when I was eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty five years old, you drink it too, but it came to a point time where alcohol stopped working for me. So I don't drinking in the same part of my life as it stopped working for me about ten years before I realized it's not working for me. And I heard a lot of people, but want to know something, I drank alcohol and I couldn't stop drinking. And when you do that, if the wheels fall off and you think it's a problem, and it is a problem, but it's not alcoholism, it's a symptom of alcoholism, because I also not only drank alcohol, I drank women, I drank cars, I drank money, I drank self pity, I drank a lot of things. I remember sending a meeting look at some blond and said saying to my sponsor what I used to do in bars all the time, cold stone sober. I used to hit him like that and said look at that Gal on if a row. My whole life is looking that down in the front row. My whole life is...

...looking at the Gal at that table. And he looked at me. He says, you see that Gal Table? I said Yeah, he says for you, that's a bottle of Scotch with legs. I used to Giggle, I laughed and then all of a sudden, when I see her next, a big green bottle would form around it like it like destroy my mind. And you know, because that's what a woman was for me. Wasn't about love, it was about, if only I'd have her, I'd be okay. You know why? Because I've walked in the bar with that goodlooking gown, all the guys be looking at me and I'd feel like a real man, that I was okay, and I get in that car and I buy that car, that I couldn't be a forward because I'm a I'd let me tell you some my whole life is about spending money. I don't have my shit. I don't need to impress people I don't like because I'm such a piece of crap, and I know I'm a piece of crap, at least I know. I think I'm a piece of crap, even though I think I'm the greatest thing in the world, because I'm in the shower, lather or up and I'm cold, sold sober and I said I'm Ann Asshole. How to kill myself. And where does that come from? I look around the sayings to saying that crap, to me and I'm the only guy in the in the shower. And I know one thing I used to think, one of my old ideas, is nobody could possibly understand me because nobody thinks the thoughts I thinks and I don't even don't understand why I think the thoughts I think. And I come to alcoholics anonymous and all I see is twins. Everybody is thinking the way I'm thinking. And people come up to me and they're black and the white and the male and the female and they had nothing to common me and they say, you're telling my story and I'm you're telling your tie. I was just you're telling my story and I don't tell my story. But I've start realize, seen that if I'm an alcohol and I have these thoughts, then you're an apple one like you have your thoughts, and all I have to do, for any decent a mean is just because honest and accessible and authentic as I possibly can. And once you learn how to fake that, you got it made, let me tell you something. And that's the deal. And so I come in to alcoholics anonymous and I remember I when I when I started doing my and one of the things that what had happened. I needed a sponsor to do this because of course, once I start look my first my first wive set if I come on drunk more time, she's leaving me, and everything that was important to me and should have been recorded me was right up there on the line. All I had do was get home stokes Ober. I sat down to the bar stool to have one drink. I told my Buddy Doug, my drinking buddy, does I got? I got to leave, I can only have one drink because Ronnie says if I come home drunk, she's going to leave me. He puts his arm around me. It's thirty, you know what I mean. For thirty my home is like fifteen minutes way over the causeway, you know. He says I get my one drink, a double scotch. Apparently I started to I realize that, but I don't want glass, one drink whatever. And he says, and this is the way I drank, I went whack, you know, and I was done because I wanted to get wherever I got, wherever that would take me fast, you know what I mean. I was in a big drink up, but I was a fast drinker. I can tell you that and my slides just keep them coming, you know, and my I'm just puts his arm around me says she's Never gonna leave you, she loves you, you're the greatest guy in the world. She's crazy about you, and I'm thinking, Holy Shit, that's exactly the way I feel. This guy is brilliant, im that's I love these guys. Next night, I know three o'clocks more. I go home. The next day I'm kicked out of my house and that's the end of the five year of marriage. Everything I should I should, everything I cared about, it should have cared about, was out the window because I did not go and I all I said to myself was free, I'm free, free to go to the bar. I was never free not to go to the bar, free to date the women. I was never free to be married to anybody. I couldn't love anybody, to think about anybody. All I cared about is my needs, my pleasure, why, my wants and what I needed. And the truth is I didn't know even know what I really needed. I just thought what I thought I needed, which none of that ever helped me. And then a month later I'm with a I'm with a marriage counselor because my wife wanted to see whether she can make the marriage get together, because apparently they say something like to death to us part I don't know about that crap. You know what I mean. But it was...

...a great party, you know what I mean. But this, you know, I've put in five years. I was already had a date with some redhead. I was again and I'm sitting there and I'm living them because I'm feeling little guilty. I got to go there at least go through this crap. And he asked my ex wife. He says, he says. So what are the three things you want to change about Russell? And she said three things. I wasn't even listening because I'm thinking, man, they get me back in this cage, I can't date women or stuff like that. And and I think she said something, she must mention some about coming home or not drinking or something. And then he had said to me, what do you? What do you? What do you want to change about your wife? And I looked at him and I looked at her. I said, I just want to date other women. I was a sober when I said that in front of her, my wife, who had sat home for five years. Wait, I was a sober when I said that to her. I was as sober as I am right now physically. So don't tell me alcohol maybe do shitty things to people. You know what I am when I when am I? I'm just saying, my sponsor, I read the thing. I'm selfish, self sided, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, stuffing in tones of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation, but we learn. We make decisions based upon self, which puts us into position to be heard. So an alcohol the self woman, right, though he usually doesn't think so. Doesn't think so, doesn't think so above everything. We must get rid of this selfishness. Forget the booze. Forget the booze. We must get rid of this selfishness. How do you get rid of something that you don't even think you are and think of basically a good boy, and people just don't understand you. That's not your fault. Somebody else's to blame. First we got to figure out what we're selfish. What a selfish mean? What is it? It's a form of insanity, it's a form of than said, we must our kills. This God makes that possible, which is a real proper alcoholics, because I don't believe in God. Well, I don't know what to tell you. That's the big book of alcoholics, anonymous. So let's make up a god. Let's say good arly direction. Who Termin is good orderly direction? I do. I like that God. I'll make my own God. You know, I can cheat on my life. You know what I mean. God won't forgive me. It's not a big deal. You know what I mean. I'll make it my old God or, you know something, whatever, I don't know. So I come in here and two alcoholics, anonymous, and I. Let's assume this. I'm just I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me, because I asked my sponsor, what does that all mean? Something, he says, you know, he says what it means is you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. That sounds like a pretty evil, crappy person, and that's because I was a pretty evil crappy person. Now, I didn't think I was pretty evil crappy person. You asked me. I'm crappy eyes a no, I'm craving person. I'm not. It's not like I killed anybody. I'm not like Adolf Hitler. I'm not a serial killer, which is basically how I rank myself. Are you good? Well, I'm not a serial killer. I'm not Alf Hitler. I didn't do this, I didn't do that. I'm a lawyer. I got you know what I mean. And and I I saw to think I'm I am like I'm proud of myself. You know all the shy I think of all the Shit I how wonderful I am. If anything shitty comes comes up, I just thankfully tell myself I either don't believe it or I never happened, or I would have done it if it was basically your fault in the first place. I would have done this if you didn't do that. So I come to alcoholics anonymous. I think I have a drinking problem and, low behold, I stopped drinking. Low and behold, I listen to a sponsor. He tells me to do a few things and in a moment of weakness and a moment of feeling weak and a moment of feeling powerless, I actually follow directions. I go to meetings, I get down on my knee, I join a home group, I get down on my knees. I read the twenty four hour but every day I ask God's help to say so. I don't even know who he is, but I do it. I do what I'm told to do and I start feeling better and I stopped drinking and the problem is solved. The problem is solved because because my problem is is I can't stop drinking, and now I've stopped drinking. With me now let me tell you a little. Let me tell you a little to...

...a factual truth. In my life I've gone to tens of thousands of a means. I sponsored hundreds and hundreds of men. I work with thousands of alcoholics. I can't tell you I did really for eight years. I've done the deal. Okay, let me tell you the truth. For every well, I wish I had a dolphin. I wish I had a dollar for every man or woman I've heard or run into an AA who has told me that they were sober for a substantial period of time and then they drank. I wish I could tell you how many times. Even today, at Zoom means, whatever means, I meet people who say I had twenty five years and then I drank. I had ten years and then I drank. I had five years and then I drank. I had two years and then I drank. After gown, the meetings, after reading the Big Book, after being in contact with people in a maybe even sitting through things like that. Twenty years, thirty years and everything. I for every for every Fivezero people that I've met in Aa that drank after they got sober. I've met maybe one person that has over thirty years. Now. I may be wrong about that. You and I may be wrong about that. I'd somebody told me is toist. It's one half of one percent of everybody who comes in. They only one half of one percent. I think that's one and two hundred gets over twenty years. I don't know what that's true or not, but I can tell you that for all I know, it could be for every tenzero people I meet that I've heard about that drank after sobriety, there's maybe one person that has over thirty years of contented rocketed in the fourth dimension sobriety. You know what I say. I say the great facts is this. If you want to be rocket in the fourth dimension of existence, if you want to experience once much of Heaven, the great fact is this, nothing less, that God becomes the central fact of your life and you're convinced that he lives in your heart mind, which indeed miraculous. He's doing for you what you can't do for yourself. You see the relationship with him. It's trying. A great eventsal come to paths for you and countless others. Give yourself utterly, abandon yourself to God. You know, God will show you how to create the fellowship you create. No, you mean. I mean I. You may not meet us, but that's okay, God. You know, because your real reliance must always be on God. You know. May you find him now? No person getting out from you. Know. You can't manage away out of this. It only has to be God. We're on a new basis of trusting them and relying upon God, a new basis. We never apologize to anybody for God. We never apologize for a belief in God, our faith in God. All men of faith have courage. We never apologize. We let him demonstrate in our lives what we can do. There's no secret with God. Can do what he's done. Brothers, he can do for you. And I'm in a fellowship where ninety percent of the people don't want to talk about God because they're scared of what other people say about them. They're more worried about other people's opinion about it, because there's so freaking scared of fear of people. Never which is the real alcoholism? The envy and the fear and the horribleness. And what are the people going to think? It's not even the money. I lose the car. The next question is what all people think? I lose my house, what will people think? You know what I mean. I'm fat. What will people think? You know I don't have a job. What will people think? It's all about the judgment of others. How do you escape that? You can escape the booze. How do you escape worrying about what everybody thinks about you? You can't talk at meetings. If you're talking means what did I say? Why did I say that? What are they think about me? How do you escape that stuff? And that's only the tip of the iceberg, because I'm insane. I'm insane and we I don't even know what the insanity is. I come in, I get read the booze and I don't even know what the insanity is. Guy called me up by sponsored...

...the guy named Tommy, still sober. They God bless him, and he said I think I have believe it. He was a he was a guy. I was in the State Attorney's office with Co Prosecutor. Great Guy. Finally cocaine and boost come down to his knees. He was sleeping on the floor. I picked him up to them a meeting. He took to it like a dug tuck to water. He loved it, you know, got sober, got strike out, everything, wonderful. Three months later he's going tons of me and three months later he calls him out of the phone. He says Ross, he's like whispering, like somebody's gonna listen as I said, what's up, what's going on? Since I think I have to leave a a. What are you talking about? Says I think I have believe A. I said, Tommy, what are you telling me? Is I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I said, what are you talking about? You I think you're alcohol thrown the probation officers floor. Your hair was down to here. You know, you almost much your job. Yeah, you almost got in trouble. You couldn't stop trigging, couldn't talk. Anybody says. I know, I know. He says you love a what the Hay say says, I know, I know, I know, I know, he says. I know what that he says. I haven't I drink two much. I know he's just but listen, when I was a listen and I don't think I'm an alcohol he says. I think, I think I might just be crazy. And I said, Tommy said what I said, Tommy's just one, he says, listening to me as what he says, you can be both. He said. Really. I said absolutely, absolutely, because he was scream on sober, you, I haven't have a drink, and he was going nuts in his mind at three o'clock in the morning. He was going crazy, tenzero thoughts at the same time, over and over again, getting him nervous and out. The couldn't get out of it, could understand what was wrong with them because he was experienced from the first time something called alcoholism. And you may feel like you can't stop drinking, but wait till you can't to the point where you can't stop thinking, where you can't stop worrying. We can't stop thinking of the same thing over and over and over and over again, and it's three o'clock morning, your five years sober and you're thinking about him, her. It the situation for a week. You've been thinking about it and you can't tell anybody because nobody would understand. You know what I mean, and all you can do is trying to think me yourself. They have to think about for a week, you realize you're thinking the same thing over and over and over again, and it's not getting better, it's getting worse and you're got to die and terrible things going to happen. You don't know what's doing, where to go, but you know this. You say to yourself, I got to stop thinking about this, I can't get to sleep. I got to stop thinking about this. And for Anamos and you stop thinking. Then you start thinking about it again. See what the Hell is wrong with me? And it's something called alcoholism. And so you're coming here and you're in bondage to alcohol and in order to break that bondage, you got to turn to a power, getting yourself in order to break the bondage of alcoholism. And after fifteen years of drinking, you finally get down on your knees and give your life to God. Or whatever he is, and you do the stuff and all of a sudden, out of the blue, you're not drinking. You have no idea why you're not drinking. The truth is, you don't have a clue. All you know is what happened. You hit bottom. You hit why all this insistent, as I hadn't bonds. Nobody's going to do this thing unless they think the life depends money. All you know you hit bottom and something happened, like a light switch went off, and all of a sudden you decide to do things that you would never do. You went to an at which you would ever go. You picked up a white him. What you would ever you go. You had some good to be a sponsor. What you would ever do? You actually start reading the book. What you never would. You went back to me, what you never to. All of a sudden you start doing things. You don't even know why you're doing it. You think it had something do with you, but three weeks ago you would have never thought about doing this. It's just something changed and it had something nothing do with you. And they tell you what has nothing do with you. You have no power. The power is and God. God is helping you out. He's giving you a gift. And that took me after fifteen years of drinking, or twenty years or thirty years of drinking. And you think it's okay and you never really feel it, realize until you start experiencing life sober and seeing the real insanity, not the drinking, that is a symptom, but that saying that lives in your heart and mind which makes your life impossible. And you don't see it until you're sober, until you're going through the crap, until you're going through the bullshit, until you're going...

...through the money problems, until you going do the vanity problems, until you go through the stuff problems, until you're going through if I only had this problem, if I land that problem, what would they think about me? And what's gonna Happen? Until you go through life on life's terms and it hits you with the trials and the tribulations, real stuff and imaginary shit. What does it say? Real, fancy, too real, it doesn't even have to be real, just your brain, and somehow you know that some wrong. You don't know what it is that's wrong and you're going crazy and you go to twenty meetings and nothing's happening. It doesn't seem to be working and everything and the only that's happened is yet any more miserable and more miserable and more mead's role. And then finally, somehow, your force to your knees to want to get rid of this thing, whatever it is, so much. And then maybe after five years, all of a sudden you're not always thinking about women or men or sex or romance, or all of a sudden you, I always think about all of a sudden, slowly but surely, you start seeing. you start seeing the bondage to the sex, the bondage to the romance, the bondage to the money that. But you think you're just in a cage having to do with alcohol, and you start seeing how big the damn page is. And every every, every year that goes by, it's a new cage, a new thing, a new deal, and you can't believe that, what the Hell's going on? You can't believe just just like with the booze, you're gonna have to go to do the first step over and over and over again, repeated humiliations, the new perspect repeated humiliations, until you in the crushing of your self, sufficiency and that's not the first step, as matter did is the first step, but it's found in the seventh step, which comes after the sixth step, which separates them from the boys. And you got the people that come in here and they stop drinking. You know what? I remember what I told you. I said for every two thousand people that drank again after coming in here with long term sobriety, one guy with over thirty years with contented sobriety. For every Fivezero people that come in here and stop drinking that go out again, one guy with over forty years sobriety. So here's the deal. Not Drinking, not drinking does not ensure that you won't drink. Let that sink in. Not Drinking in no way ensures that you won't drink. Now, listen, I'm not putting down the old timers back there that they crust, the old guys. I say there's not the plug in the job. It's all bullshit. Forget the God. Think, but that God is not for you. Don't worry about that Shit. But the plug in the drug. Let me tell you what the story is, what the Plus story is. If you if the only thing you're in here for is not drinking. You will drink. You will drink, you will drink or you will be miserable, and I didn't sign up for miserable. Sobriety. Obviously there's got to be something else. There's got to be something else. Something else is got to happen and anybody who's been around a and is hung around with the guys with the thirty, forty years, you'd have to be deaft on the blinds and not see there's something else going on. They're not always talking about the drink and they're talking about something else. BUILD DOTS and alcohols number not number three, said the Lord. said. I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got, something a person want to have. I was trying to find the answer and Bill Wilson was in my house and I was listening to him and I was trying to figure out what it was. They had such a release, they have at such release from this deal. They had the promises, they had the stuff we talked about. The Bill Wilson turned to my wife, Henriette, and said, Henrietta, the Lord God has been...

...so wonderful to me, turning me of this trouble. As thease, I got to keep talking about him, telling other people and build dots and said I have the answer, the golden text. Bill believed in God and he was grateful to God and he gave all credit to God for everything I was going on in his life, no credit to himself, and he was so excited about that he couldn't help he wanted to tell other people and he wanted to spread the word and he wasn't embarrassed about it. He did wasn't apologetic about it. You know, he didn't apologize. And meetings. Every time you said, Lord, God has nothing, to actually read the Bible. It's matter the books, thank found absolutely essential. First Quentin Thirteen, son of the amount and the book of James, Books that nobody reads these days because they're scared to read about because even though it says in a literature that was the books that they read. When they say really, I've seen pursue of the start thoroughly followed our bad most people are closed mind, even though they say we don't. We lose all prejudice, even against orientators of the religion, we begin to see what they're right. Most people and a do not have the open mindedness, the willingness or the courage to actually look at that stuff. You know why? Because they're more worried about what other people think about and those people who are not willing to go further down the road are people that will never ever lose fear of what other people think about so you got to live a sober life worry about what other people think about you all the time, which is a crummy, shit, shitty life. which is a shitty life. I mean you can go to forty years of meetings and feel Shitty, or you can go to forty meets that forty years of means, and feel free. You can go to thirty, twenty years of meetings and be ashamed of yourself and try to figure out why you're always screwing up and what's wrong with you, or you can go to twenty years of meetings of be free and being you. You got a choice. It's your choice. You know what I mean. It's your choice. It's your choice. You know. That's the deal. The same address rehearsal. It's not like you know. Yeah, you know. You send your bed in your ninety years old and you about to die and all of a sudden you're saying to yourself see maybe I should have done it differently. It's too late now, right. So, so, sometimes it takes a long time to figure out the insanity. You know, I can't tell you about the inside. I can mention a few things. Maybe you'll think about and say, yeah, I felt that way up in that way. I said, that's the that's alcoholic. That's the real of alcoholism, not the drinking. The drinking is what alcoholics do when they're suffering from alcoholism. If you don't, if you give up the booze, but you don't work on the alcoholism which continues, which has to do with the insanity. You understand, even if you don't drink again, you'll never feel for it. You won't be happy with your sobriety. In the big book it says this one thing, and I'll end on this. It says here and there, once in a whiles, and vision for you. Check it out here and there. You know, nothing I've said tonight differs from anything in a literature. It is possible, believe it or not, to read the big book alcoholics anonymous, even though it's all in there a thing I said, and not see it as matter fact. Most of us do. We only see certain stippets. Nine years sober will see a line that we've read a thousand times in only shit. That's exactly what's going on with make just will see through a glass darkly. And the Biblical says here and there once in a while, an alcohol being dry for the moment. You know, I used to think that dealt with guys with three months. It could be a deal with a guy with thirty years and alcohol being dry at the moment. You all drive the moment. Says feel better, look better, I'm having a better time. We laugh at that kind of Shit. We know it's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with the sobriety. No, sooner on. No, loneliness is few do they'll be at the jumping off place. You can be the jumping off place a ten years sober. You can be the jumping off place at twenty five years sober. Every day you can be at the jumping off place. You know you need to once you stop drinking, you need to figure out you need to just assume that you're crazy. Listen to me, you will never have a problem. My sponsors used to drill into...

...me because I had all these degrees on the wall and every that I was crazy. My sponsor never missed an opportunity to tell me my my best thinking on my best day got me in the position I'm in, that I know as much about life as a dog knew about his father. My first sponsor was not with every incredible sponsor, eventor I had was never never felt bad about pricking my balloon and blowing up my idea about how fantastic I was. You know what I mean. I was brought up to think that I'm a basket taste. Now I better not do anything on my own, no matter how bright grouch in the brainstorm was not for me. You didn't want to hear about my brainstorms, you know, and my you know that kind of stuff. And the bottom line is you're probably going to do better off in your life, sort of like with the underlying feeling that you're nuts, that you're crazy and that any sanity that you have or anything good is going on of you as something to do with God work in your life behind your back, without asking your permission and maybe because the things that you've been willing to do, things you've been never to step forward, and thinking about how good you're doing. He goes out great you are, how smart you are and how it's probably a better attitude to have, like the attitude Bill Wilson. That so thank you very much. God blessed.

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