AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 5 months ago

Russell S. Step 2 at the 12 Step House 5/13/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 2 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 5/13/2021

My name is Russell spats, I'm analcohol. I so I remember the satis e Git I haven't. I s have drink sinceJanuary. Twenty January, Ten, twenty fi one thousand nine hundred and eightyone O sitkin every once in a while. I do feelto be totally transparent. I have to share that right but see how this works out. In anyevent, I have time nest have a drink. I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR FORTY YEARS OFSOBER for forty years and married got matter when I see on sober- and I wantto mention that and in case some of you guys are sort of staring at some of thegals here or something like that. My spots said: Don't make any majordecisions during your first year. I didn't think it was a big deal. I was.I was wrong about that by the Maybun. It'stoo late now he's a member of riling on Our Lady's perpetual revenge and youthis great Onota step when I'm wrong. She probably admits it, so it all working out and I'm going totalk about something. I have no idea what I'm going to talk about. I don'thave em it's all like stemperona. I have no idea what it means. Look it up,but it's a long word sounds good. I don't have a can shit. You know acouple, maybe I'll say something, but you guys by the way you guys yourself,you guys ever hear about the Alki dog nobody's ever heard about the acky dog. You know I ran into one o dog did you Imean I. Actually there are alcoholic dogs out there. So I mean it is a truestory. I mean that's you're already. You know throwing whatthey call throw dust on me or dirt on me with a have shade on me, you'realready growing shade on me. So you see, I am cool, shade, throw in shot okay,so I was driving down the street and I saw this fine now you guys, I think,last week, I'll talk about ten dollar cruise, a okay, but you haven't heardthat ten dollar dog was about the outed, so I'm driving down street there's abig sign in front of this house where I live. You know it as it says, talking dog for sale. Ten dollars so catches my eye, so I stopped thisguy sitting out front. You Know Ol, Guy, sitting out front, I said you got tosign their talking dog for self. For Ten dollars is Yep this. It was thatlegitimacy, yeah yeah sure I well where's the dogs is out there. Can Italk to him, I sorata Hap, to talk to you, go back and talk to him for long,so I walk in the back of the House and there's this dog, this man old dog, youknow sort of sitting the airline there and I walk to me and I say hi are you the talking dog he says Yep, he says you togs is absolutely. Is Ican't believe you're a talking dog, he said Yeah, that's that's what that'sthe deal like I talk. I is well and what's your story I mean I've neverheard of a talking dog. I never heard of you as well. You know he says youknow I'm retired now, but I spent the first twenty years in my life work into the CIA- and this is true story says and whathappened was. I was, I was in Russia and my owner worked for the TGD and- and I used togo to all the meanings of the Kremlin and you know they didn't mind. He wouldsit me down there in the Kremlin and- and I would listen to everything and Iwould memorize it because I have a like a photograph of memory and they figureon the dog. You know they don't know, and so I had a handler. You know see. Ihave learned for twenty years. I would tell the handler basically what they were talking about at theCremin the TAB meetings. I said that it's pretty amazing, hesaid Yeah. He says he says, but I left that after twenty years and I came homeand I retired from CIA and then I started working for Mon Santo, it wouldindustrial Espinas and I used to go to Dupont. You know or three M orsomething like that, and I would sit there on the inside of one of thesedater means that they're bored and I...

...would take down all the you know theinformation about their new stuff. Coming out everything I bring back toMontana, and I did that for about ten or fifteen years and I've been retiredfor about five or six years, and I said that's an amazing story- Imean that somebody able to write that story for Hollywood. It's just you. Ithink they are. I think there's going to be some sort of screen print play orsomething I said well. Well, listen. I don't know I mean I have a house downthe street. You know I got seven grandkids and four kids and we have a great house. Ihave a couple of dogs and you know I think you really like that. I'm goingto talk to your your owner about maybe buying you sis.We have no problem, I'd love to do it. No problem is five, a men. So I go back to the owner and I say I said I spoke to your dog. He saidYeah, you know I'm so he says why. I think I want to buy it and he says this.Is She no promises? How much? I said he said ten bucks. I said ten bots. He said Yeah. TenBucks, I said, can I ask you a question? I saidd, I said you know he's a talking dog. Imean. Why would you sell him for ten bonds? He said he's a liar. He didn'tdo any of that shit of that Shitty know what I mean. I toldmy sponsor once I said when he we were were when I first got in, they weregoing to say the Lord's prayer. I didn't know whether I wanted to holdhands and said words. Parnhe said why I says why I don't want to be a HIPPOPHAEsaid too late. You busted that way before you got to alcoholic. You know Imean you mean you mean saying one thing I'm doing around thing is, is don'teven worry about hypocrite thing, it's too late for you, you know, and andthat kind of deal, so we're going to talk a little bit about the second stepor the third of the fifth or whatever its gonna, be a lot of steps involvedhere I I start. You know this group, I'm glad to be this. A great groupclose to the House. I've been doing step series for thirty five years and- and I think I'vebeen doing step series almost every year for the last twenty five years forthis group, but some maybe I missed last year because Covin thing or whatever it is, I can'tremember, but it's always good to be here and it's gone with quite a fewpeople here. You know- and I know we're spacing out, so it's not as many as Iused to be, but it really is great to be here and but when I first starteddoing the steps, I don't you know what I came to a I didn't. HAVE ANY STORY: There's nostory, no story. You know I mean who has a story. I have no idea, you know afriend a guy once to me I says when you reach the agent I came in when I wasthirty one years old, Donald Ston me when you reach stage, if you're, if you,if you're in your ties- and you don't know who you are, why you're even onthe planet you're going to be neurotic. You know when I was one of the ROC sonof a bitch, and I didn't know what my purpose was on the plan or who I was orwhat I was or what I was doing here. We talked about the first of last time.I told about all that, but I did I don't know how you did the first step.I did it what I did as I drank. I drank a lot. You know, so somebody asked mehow you the first rank first step, I say great you'll, get there, don'tworry, you'll die or you'll get there. You know, and so I just drag my wayinto the first. I drank my way into powerlessness. I drive my way until theseven twenty fifth one thousand nine hundred and eighty atthree o'clock in the morning when I was thirty one years old and I thoughtmy life was over and I was never going to get better again and I had somethingcalled the Apostle Le Calls. Godly Sour sorrow, not worldly store, which is towould self pity. That's a different deal. I've always felt sorry for myself.I always sat by the record player drinking my angles out. He songs onlythe lonely. I Miss The blue ray days and Monday thinking about all thosegirls and how they rip my heart out and what they did to me. I showed them andthinking about my funeral, I was always good at self bitting with her withoutpotens. I was always a bit o feeling sorry for myself, blaming other people.You know feeling lonely and feeling like I I didn't need even Moose to dothat. I just want to help the process, but the bottom line is, is that Iwasn't? I wasn't filled with self pity...

I was filled with some other deal goingon it was it was. I was ashamed, I become, I was not. I was never ashamedof myself, but I was ashamed of myself. I I got to be honest with you afterforty years of over forty years of doing this thing, I think I think shame plays a great part inhelping people get to where they have to go. Self. Pity is death, self, pities death,but shame as a whole different story becoming a shame, just a wholedifferent story. The way they postle Paul puts it. He says he says worldlysorrow leads to den self. Pity leads the death, but Godly sorrow leads therepentance and salvation, and you know I've learned enough and over the timethat we talk together, you'll find out a little bit more about me and where Ihave a D and what I've I've done so you'll understand why, from time time,I quote scripture and things like that doesn't mean you have to do any of thatstuff. You know I mean it's just my it's my story, my story, that's whatthey say. Our stories disclose in the jungle what we used to be like what wehave a lot. What what what happened on what we are like down? This is my story.I share my story. I don't oppose my faith or whatever this would be onanybody, but I my obligation is to expose it and thank God, thank God.Thank the Lord. I got to a point where I finally have lost peer of people in the Beckenham ican secure thanks. God is not that the AtononSuriy thing is madly in viewed real really has to do with the pure people.Think that I always had people on my Minin people worried and all so. ThankGod. I lost that. You know I spent my whole life wit about what people thinkabout me. I know that because I always used to say I'm on give a ship whatpeople think about me. You know I say it Yo later, but I don't get a crapwhat they think about. I don't give A. I tell my soul on it, but of course, people who areconstantly telling themselves that they give a crap at other people think aboutthem all they do is think about what other people think about him, becausepeople that really don't care about what other people think about him.Never to say I don't give me Prot what other people think about. They say passthe sugar or something like that. They don't say that Shit. You know what Imean, and so one of the things that has to with alcoholism besides theselfishness and the self senates is the delusion the delusion you know we can'tseparate the truth from the false. We tell ourselves wise, like the dog, wetell ourselves lives, we lie to ourselves about everything and webelieve our lives. I love my lives. I love my finching. I love the way, Ithink that's a matter, I'm a compulsive thinker. I can't I can't think ofanything else, but what I'm thinking? The only thing I think about is me andwhat I'm thinking, no matter what happens to my life? No matter whathappens in my life, I immediately go to the person that I know is the mostbrilliant person to tell me what it's all about I go over to me. I talked tome about me. You know, and you know something Ialways agree with everything I have to say. You know it's just amazing,because nobody understands me I used to almy sponsor you don't understand, Itell everybody, listen you now, who can possibly understand me? Who could postyunderstand me better than me? So, as John Wayne said, life is tough and when you're stupid it's tougher now,here's the good thing is the badness. You can't fit student, you understand, you cannot fit stupid, but insane you have a shot, there's a shot with insane. Absolutely now I've got to tell you something whenyou're dealing with insane people. You know the second step just of Fan,just in case you're, not following this. The second step is came to believe thata power Grad ourselves will restore us to sanity...

...right. So let me just I'm not going tosend the long time on this, because it's really shouldn't be thatcomplicated is, is you cannot be restored to Sanuda unless you're insane is that? Did I lose anybody on that? You can't be restored to sanity unlessyou are insane and the fact noise. The fact that you don't think you're insane doesn't mean you're, not insane. You understand that as a matter of fact,the fact that you're insane- and you don't think you're insane, maybe partof the in Sanuda- am I make any sense. Okay, so so, and the fact- and so whathappens, is when you're insane and generally what I found this insanealcoholics like to hang out with other insane alcoholics, because theyunderstand each other. They say things while they're in thebar and eleven o'clock night and the wife is at home, with the with the kidsand they're getting drunk and then looking at the blondes on the dancefloor. They say they say all sorts of crap about their wives and how theirwives don't understand them and their friends say: Yeah She's, a bitch. Youhad to kick her off to the side and get another one. They like hanging out with insanepeople, because other than thinking my own thoughts and being in love with myown thoughts. The next best thing to my thoughts are the thoughts of mydrinking buddies, my drinking bodies, I used to invite my wife, my first life, so the bar to hang outwith my drinking buddies and she said to me. I don't want to hang out with them Buns,and I I took personal offense at that. I said I'm thinking these guys are thegreatest guys in the world, and these are the guys that, on the INS are theonly guys that understood me and she's calling them bums. You understand yousee in what the economy and its just on believe. So so here's here's the deal.I I come at the Athol Times a young stand.I don't know what I'm insane. I didn't know what I was in saying. What I knew is that I couldn't stopdrinking and that's enough. For a start, I knew I could not start stop drinking because I had drank a lot and Iactually tried to stop drinking. I would get up in the morning and say:I'm not gonna have a drink today and by five o'clock. I E- and I was sincerewhen I said that I would sincerely say I'm not going to drink today and Iwould get in by five o'clock. I was drunk. I W DOIN Wanness, I'm not goingto buy boosted by five o'clock, I'm searching for nine sixes and quarters,so I can buy a court bottle of call source and drank myself into inSaturday. I'd say to myself: I'm not going to goto bar today and I'd go to the bar. I could not stop drinking and thenfinally, I I say to myself: What's the use you know, I can't stop, I'm justgoing to keep on drink and I kept on drinking, but by December twenty fifth to me December. Twenty et Christmasmorning at three o'clock morning after being kicked out of a notae Eno and in my my bachelor pad, I had divorced myfirst wife and walked away from her in my house and my San and everything thatwas important because I was going to be come to you after Miami but apparentlyhave to to stand up O that wobbling in order to do that Shire. You know what Imean and didn't quite work out for me, and so what happened was I found myselfat three o'clock in the morning alone on Christmas. Nobody knows loneliness better than analcohol. You know, I mean I'll. Tell you one thing: There's no,the worst fear is sober fear, the worst loneliness sober, drunk loneliest.Nobody knows long, you will know loneliness as you do you get to thejumping off place. I was at the jumping...

...off. I was renting space in the jumpingoff place. They talked about in the big book about cops anonymous and I I wasthirty one years old. I thought my life was all ver. It was never going to bebetter again and materially. I haven't, I haven't,lost a lot. I slide my apartment, I was the lawyers by my low degree. I wasstill had a job, so I had a car. I had that deal going on you know, and andbut I was incredibly ashamed of what had become of. I could not stopdrinking. I was alone on Christmas. I knew, of course, that I was the onlyperson on Pan Earth that was alone. On Christmas. Everybody had somebody, andI thought my life was over and I turned on the t mat and there was somepreacher on there. I guess at three o'clock the morning on Christmas: Theyknow who they're talking about. They must be there, not probably speakingthese, I guess he's figuring speaking of all the drunks or something and- and it was all about it- was all aboutthe Gospel which is good news, because you know what Gospel means and the goodnews is that, if you're a sinner, if your life is over, you can change yourlife, give you life to Jesus, and I got that on my knees and a natose an noneof this none of this. If they say that crop en I'm of to day,I would have walked out the door. You know Blah Blah Blah. I just because youknow something it was nothing else going on for me to grab on to and I'm I'm actually lucky. That was apreacher. I don't want to put any religion that I mean if, if the HarryChristians are walked in I'd, be down to the airport right now with atambarine but O so o glad it was a Christian guy, butthen its I got down to me he's given my lifeto Jesus Christ as and come to my life, not much different than the third step.You know the the center prayer. You know, you know, I accept you as my lord andSavin Jesuit's. Not It's not something you have to do. You know I mean there'sa lot about that. I can talk to you about. I can talk to about how itinterfew fuses with the Oxford Movement and the Big Buck, and maybe we'll getinto that later on. But the point is that's what I did you know what I mean,so you may not want you sense. If you want,we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it any late to get itthen you're ready to take certain steps. You may not be going ready to go to anylength together or maybe you are ready to go to any length, but you don't wantwhat I have l e N. I don't know, but it's my job to basically expose my deal.That's my deal, so I don't want to feel if you have one of those people thatsomehow have tendency you want that thing or think about that thing or ifyou're, let's say what the hell all used to work. Openminded open minded and you say well, you know, and it may not seem like abig deal to you. You know, except in Lord, in your life but and you know,but I'm telling you for a Jewish kid from grating at New York. It was a hugedeal. You know what I mean and and and I'll hope, a bunch of other stuffhappened after that and I'm not going to go through it. You know I I ultimatelater on down the road became a you know, started going to a Bible. Studybecame a deacon, the Persentin Church started em a ministry and everythingand all sorts of stuff, and that's part of my life right now, and we married forty over forty years andseven grandkids and four kids and everything like that and that's a wholeother thing we'll get in that story later on, but so event. I I ultimately, after thirty days later I'd like to beable to say to you that, as soon as I accept the Lord in my life, you knowfive rive eyes and two priests and a minister came down with a bag of donuts,and so we got an amy and going on over here and everything was wonderful, butI continued to drink. For thirty days and and initially I thought I thoughtbecause of my thanking that nothing happened. You know a lot of times. Letme tell you something about this, a a thing, and I talked from experience.You know my spots to say with the man with experience. It's a man for money,the man, man, wild with money to men for money with the man with experienceand walk away with the money, and the man with the money will walk the waywith an experience. So what I'm talking about has to with experience it's notsomething I learned or I thought up or I'm just I'm just figure. This is myexperience. You know, and my experience is that most of the time you are goingthrough incredible spiritual growth and...

...change in a a you, don't know what's happening. Did you hear what I just said? You don't know what's happening the time that you guys came in and finally gave up the ghost andpicked up a white chip and decided to do this thing. You See, you think thatit happened in a moment, and you don't realize that for monthsbefore that, that was already working on again and it's because he's got and you're not and he doesn't need yourpermission- he's not really interested in consulting you, because you are crazy and he's not. Youunderstand you just let's operate under this premise. The big book is right.Let's make believe for this purpose because we're in a a a meeting, let'smake believe- and we belong to a a and the big book- Is Our basic test. Weread that over and over again we underline it, everybody mounds, it theydon't necessarily do it. They don't necessarily understand it, but theyfollow it. We all agree is not at in the book itself. It is, is our basictext which you all agree on, so let's make believe whether you believe it ornot, that the big book is right and the big book says we're crazy,we're delusional we're selfish, we're self centered. Our alcoholic life is,it seems the only normal one. We can't. We can't separate the truth from thefalse. You know we're self pollution, AL we're driven driven to selfishness,driven by a hundred forms of fear that we don't even know about and anxietyand all sort of stuff. We step into those brothers, they don't say we'redrunken we step on those others, most people. I heard I wish I could say it'salcohol's fault. Alcohol may be doing most of the people. I heard anddisappoint their NAA, including myself. I made it couse decisions, I made coldstones, sober and, I shouldn't say, sober without alcohol. You know and henot out all running through me. You know I mean I made some. I said someunbelievable things to people. I heard people, my wife, my first wife told me: Youcome home after five years of marriage and I used to stay at all night and Icome on four o'clock in the morning. She was at home with the baby cookingdinner. Nice cow never did anything wrong. I married him like, likealcoholics, do everything I saw her. She was good looking. You know, I meanI said. If only I could have that Gal I'd be okay, if only I could have thatcry would be okay. I've only got that POTA to be okay. If only could havethat job. I'd be okay, voluntar move to California be okay, but only I had nowshe was just another thing. I thought I knew about love. I was inlove, it was lost, it was it was, it was just another drink. I drank alcohol because no woman, nocar, no mount of money, no suit of clothes, no o ever work, quite as wellas judging quite as fast as just a few drinks, and if it did for you what itdid for me when I was eighteen, nineteen, twenty twenty five years old,you drink it too, but it came to a point in time. rapallstopped working for me, so I don't drink it in the sad part of my life isstop worrying for me about ten years before I realized it stopped workingfor me and I heard a lot of people, but you want to know something. I drankalcohol and I couldn't stop drinking and when you do that, if the wheelsfall off and you think it's a problem- and it is a problem- but it's notalcoholism, it's a symptom of Alphalim, because I also not only drank alcohol.I drank women. I drank cars, I drink money. I drank self pity. I drank a lotof things. I remember sitting in a meeting look at some blonde and saidsaying to my sponsor what I used to do in boters. All the time cold, poneserver, I used to hit him like that. I said: Look at that gun on the frontround. My whole life is looking back...

...down in the front row. My whole life islooking the Gal on that table and he looked at me. He says you see that Galat the table I said yeah, he says, for you, that's a bottle of Scotch withlegs. I used to Giggle N, I laughed and thenall of a sudden when I see her next, a big green bottle would form around that.I like it like destroy my mind and youknow bus, that's what a woman was me wasn't about love. It was bad if onlyI'd have her be okay. You know why, because I'm walking the bar with thatgood, looking gown, all the guys we looking at me and I feel like a realman, that I was okay and I get in that car and I buy that car that I couldn'tbe afford because I'm like I'd, let me tell you so my whole life is aboutspending money. I don't have my shit. I don't need to impress people I don'tlike because I'm such a piece of craft- and I know I'm a piece of crap at leastI know I think, I'm a piece crap, even though I think I'm the greatest thingin the world, because I'm in the shower aloud then or not, but I'm cold, sosober, and I said I'm an ass hole or to kill myself, and where does that comefrom? I look around to say, I detain that trap to me and I'm the only guy inthe shower, and I know one thing I used to thinkone of my old ideas is nobody just possibly understanding, because nobodythinks the thoughts. I think- and I don't even don't understand why I pickthe thoughts I think and I come to os anonymous and all I see is twins.Everybody is speaking the way. I'm thinking and people come up to me and they'reblack in the white and the mail and the female, and they got nothing in Tommyand they say you're Tellin my story and I'm you're telling your. I was justyou're telling my story and I told my story, but I start realizing that ifI'm an alcohol- and I have these thoughts, then you're not one like you-have your thoughts and all I have to do for any decent. A man is just be as honest and accessible and authentic asI possibly can and bunch. You learn how to fake that you got it made. Let metell you something and that's the deal, and so I come in t alcoholics anonymous,and I remember when I, when I started doing my and one of the things thatwhat had happened, I needed a sponsor to do this because of course, once Istop look, my first, my first life said if I come home drunkmore time, she's leaving me and everything was important to me, anShulde Porton me was right up there on the line. Waldo was get home stole over.I sat down in the bar stool to have one drink. That's all my buddy dug mydrinking buddy done. I got I got to leave. I can only have one drinkbecause Ronnie says: If I come on drunk she's going to leave me, he puts hisarm around me. It's four thirty. You know what I mean four thirty. My homeis like fifteen minutes away over the cause. When you know he says I get myone drink, a double scotch. Apparently I started to I realize that,but I don't know one glass one drink whatever and he says it is the way Idrank. I went what you know and I was done because I wanted to get wherever Igot wherever that would take me fast. You know what I mean. I wasn't a bigdrinker, but I was a fast drinker. I can tell you that and my side that justkeep them coming. You know and my jug puts his on round and he says she'snever going to leave you. She loves you you're, the greatest guyin the world, she's crazy about you and I'm thanking my Holy Shit. That's exactly the way! I feel this guyis brilliant, that I love these guys. Rest. I know three. Five more. I gohome the next day, I'm kicked out of my house and that's the end of a five year,marriage everything I should I should I everything I cared about. A shicer wasout the window because I did not- and all I said to myself- was I'm free, I'mfree free to go to the bar. I was never free not to go to the bar free to dateto women. I was never free to be married to anybody. I couldn't love.Anybody to think about it by all I cared about is my needs, my pleasure.Why my wants and what I needed and the truth is, I didn't know, even know whatI really needed. I just thought what I thought I needed, which none of thatever helped me and then, a month later, I'm with a I'm with a marriagecounselor, because my wife wanted to see whether she can make the marriageget together, because apparently they say something like to death. Do US part?I don't know about Backrub, you know...

...what I mean, but it was a great party.You know what I mean, but this you know it's. I put in five years I was alreadyhad a date with some red head. I was again and I'm sitting there and I'mliving it because I'm feeling more guilty. I got to go there at least gothrough this crab and he asked my ex wife. He says he says. So what are thethree things you want to change about Russell and she said three things I wasne listening because I'm thinking man they get me back in this cage. I can'tdig women or stuff like that and- and I think she said something she must havementioned- somebod coming home or not drinking or something, and then he hadsaid to me. What do you? What do you? What do you want to change about yourwife and I looked at him and I looked at her. I said I just want to date,other women. I was as sober when I said that infront of her, my wife who had sat home for five yearswait. I was a sober when I said that to her I was as sober as I am right now.Physically, so don't tell me, alcohol may be doshitty things to people. You know what I am when I when am I Isay in my sponsor. I read the thing: I'm self in yourself side, driven by ahundred forms of fear, self, delusion self seeking seventy tons of brothers.They retaliate similarly without provocation, but we learn. We makedecision based upon self, which puts us in the position to be heard so now cot.The Self Lovin right, though we usually doesn't think so, doesn't think so doesn't think so. Above everything we must get rid ofthis selfishness. Forget the booze forget the booze. We must get rid ofthis selfishness. How do you get in to something you don't even think you area d, you think of basically a good point. People just don't understand you.Let's not your fault. Somebody else is the play. First, we got to figure outwhat we're selfish. What is selfish mean? What is it it's a form ofinsanity, it's a former than set. We must starttill this. God makes that possible, which is a real, proper outbox, becauseI don't believe in God. Well, I don't know what to tell you,that's the big book about cops anonymous. So, let's make up a god,let's say good orly direction, who determines good artle direction? I go.I like that time, I'll make it my own God. You know I could cheat on my life.You know what I mean. God will forgive me. It is not a big deal. You know whatI mean I'll, make it my Ol God or you know something whatever I don't know so I come in here and to alcoholicsanonymous, and I let's assume this, I'm not talking about you. I'm talkingabout me because I ask my sponsor what does that all main subject? He says you,he says what I means. Is You don't give a shit about anybody except yourselfthat sounds like a pretty evil crappy person and that's because I was apretty evil crappy person now I didn't think I was a prettyepigraphy person. You asked me, I'm crapulous O. No, I'm a craving person,I'm not it's not like. I killed anybody, I'm not like. I don't fiddler, I'm nota serious tiller, which is basically how I rank myself. Are you good? Well,I'm not a serial killer, I'm not in a Hitler. I didn't do this. I didn't dothat, I'M A LARA! I got you, you know what I mean and, and so I sort of thinkI'm I am like I'm proud of myself. You know well Sho, I think of all the shit.I how wonderful I am. If anything SHILLY COMES COMES UP. I just BasilTell Myself, I either don't believe it or it never happened, or I wouldn'thave done it if it was basically your fault in the first place. I wouldn'thave done this. If you didn't do that so I come, I do calls Ananas. I think Ihave a drinking problem and long behold I stop drinking. Lo and behold, Ilisten to a sponsor, tells me to do a few things and in a moment of weaknessand a moment of feeling weak and a moment of feeling powerless, I actuallyfollow directions. I go to meetings I get down on my knee. I join a homegroom. I get down on my knees, I read the twenty four book every day. I askGod's help to say sober. I don't even know where he is, but I do it. I dowhat I'm told to doing. I start feeling better and I stop drinking and theproblem is songs. The problem is so because, because myproblem is, is I can't stop drinking and now I've stopped drinking you wit,I mean now. Let me tell you a little.

Let me take a little true factual truth. In my life, I'vegot to tens of thousands of Amans, I sponsored hundreds and hundreds of men.I work with thousands of alcoholics. I can't tell you I did really for eightyears. I've done the deal. Okay, let me tell you the truth for every well. I wish I had a dolphin. I wish Ihad a dollar for every man or woman, I've heard or run into an aa who hastold me that they were sober for a substantial period of time and thenthey drank. I wish I could tell you how many times,even to day a zoo means whatever means I meet. People who say I had twentyfive years and then I drank I had ten years and then I drank I hadfive years and then I dramed I had two years and that I drinked after going tomeetings after reading the big book after being in contact with people anda a maybe even city, through things like that, twenty years, thirty yearsand everything I for every for every five thousand people that I met a a that rank after they got sober, I've met, maybe one person that hasover thirty years now. I may be wrong about that. You. Imay be wrong about that. Somebody told me statistics, one half to one percentof everybody who comes in they only one half of one per cent. I thinkthat's one two hundred gets over twenty years. I don't know whether that's trueor not, but I can tell you, I think, for all I know could be for every tenthousand people I meet that I've heard about that drank after sorit there's, maybe one person that has overthirty years of contented rocketed in the fourth dimension sobriety. You know what I say like say: The greatfact is his: If you want to be rocket in the fourth mention of existence, ifyou want to experience once a much of heaven, the great fact is is andnothing less that God becomes the central fact of your life and you'reconvinced that he lives in your heart, mind, which is indeed miraculous, he'sdoing for you. What you can't do for yourself, you know see your relationswith him is trying a great event for come. He Past, for you and countlessothers, give yourself utterly a banding yourself to God. You know, God willshow you how to create the fellow. Should we pray now you mean a many anda you may not meet us, but that's okay got you know, because your realreliance must always be on God. You know, may you find him that no persongetting out an you know. You can't imagine way having this, it only has tobe got run a new basis of trusting and relying upon God a new basis. We neverapologize to anybody. For God, we never Bapoo for a belief in God or our faithin God. All men are faith, have courage, we never apologize without himdemonstrate in our lives. What we can do, there's no secret of God- Can do whathe's done for others. He can do for you and and I'm in a fellowship whereninety percent of the people don't want to talk about God, because they'rescared of what other people say about them, they're more worried about otherpeople's opinion about it, because it's so freaking scared of a fear of peoplethat which is the real alcoholism, the envy and the fear and the horrible mess.And what are the people going to think it's, not even the money I lose the car.The next question is: WHAT DO PEOPLE THINK I lose my house? What do peoplethink you know what I mean, I'm fat. What will people think you know? Idon't have a job. What will people think it's all about the judgment ofothers? How do you escape that you can escape the booze? How do you escapeworrying about what everybody thinks about you? You can't talk at meetings if you'retalking means. When did I say why did I say that? What do they think about me?How do you save that stuff and that's only the tip of the Ice Fer, becauseI'm insane I'm insane and we I don't even know what the insanity is. I come in. I get rid of the booze and Idon't even know what the insanity is.

Guy called me up my sponsor and the guynamed Tom, still sober. They God bless him and he said I think I have to leaveit. He was he was a guy. I was in the state tourneys office with calledProsecutor, Great Guy, finally, cocaine and boosted him down. He was knees. Hewas sleeping on the floor. I picked him up to Mara kneading. He took to himlike a dug Tucka water. He loved it. You know, got sober, gotstrike at everything. Wonderful, three months later he's going tons of me andthree months later and calls me over the phone he says Ross. He's like whispering likesomeone's Golis is. I said what in what's going on SI. I think I have toleave a is it. What are you talking about says?I think I have to leave A. I said Tommy. What are you talinont think I'm analcoholic us when you talk about you, you're an Ol, thothe probation officerfloor. Your hair was down to her. You know you almost want your job. You'realmost got in trouble, you couldn't stop trading, couldn't talk bout.Anybody says I know, I know he says you love it. WHAT THE ANAS! I know I know Iknow I know as I know what that he says, I haven't a drink. You much, I know hesays be listen. I was a listen. I don't think I'm an alcoholic. He says I think I think I might just be crazy and I said Tommy said what I said.Tomas says what an says listen to me as what he says you can be both so really. I said absolutely absolutelybecause he was getting on salver an have a drink and he was going nuts inhis mind at three o'clock in the morning. He was going crazy. Tenthousand thoughts at the same time, over and over again getting him nervous.You know he couldn't get out of it. Couldn't understand what was wrong withhim because he was experiencing with first tin, something called alcoholism and you may feel, like you, can't stopdrinking, but wait till you can to the point where you can't stop thinkingwhere you can't stop worrying. We can't stop thinking the same thing over andover and over and over again, and it's three o'clock in the morning to fiveyears: Soberan your thinking about him, Hur yeah, the situation for a week.You've been thinking about it and you can't tell anybody because nobody wouldunderstand you know what I mean and all you can do is trying to think toyourself and after thinking about for a week, you realize you're thinking thesame thing over and over and over again, and it's not getting better. It'sgetting worse and you're going to die and tell every thing's going to happen.You don't know what's doing where to go, but you know this. You say to yourself:I got to stop thinking about this. I can't get to sleep. I got to stopthinking about this and for a note, second, you start thinking. Then youstart thinking about it again. I say what the Hell is wrong with meand it's something called alcoholism and so you're coming here and you're inbondage to alcohol, and in order to break that bondage, yougot to turn to a power get in yourself in order to break the bondage ofalcoholism and after fifteen years of drinking you finally get down on yourknees and give your life to God, whatever he is. If you do the stuff andall of a sudden out of the blue you're, not drinking, you have no idea. Whyyou're not drinking the truth, is you don't have a clue? All you know is whathappened you hit bottom, you hit. Why all this insistence I had bonesnobody's got to do this thing unless they think their life depends on all.You know you hit bottom and something happened like a light, switch went offand all of a sudden, you decided to do things that you would never do. Youwent to an Atin which you would never go. You picked up a white tip with youwould ever go. You ask somebody to be a sponsor, but you would ever do youactually started reading the book, but you never would you went back to me,which you never n, all of a sudden. You start doing days. You don't even knowwhy you're doing it, you thinking that something do with you, but three weeksago you would have never thought about doing this. It's just something changedand it had something, nothing to do with you and they tell you what has notto do with you. You have no power. The power is in God, God is helping. Youhave he's giving you a car and that took after fifteen years ofdrinking or twenty years or thirty years of Draken, and you think it's okay and you neverreally feel it realized until you start experiencing life sober and seeing thereal insanity, not the drinking. That is a symptom, but that thing thatleaves in your heart and mind, which makes your life impossible andyou don't see it until you're sober...

...until you're, going through the crapuntil you're, going through the bullshit until you go through the moneyproblem and when you go through the vanity problems until you goin t do thestuck problems until you going through. If I only had this problem, if I lamethat problem or what do they think about me and what's going to happenuntil you go through life on life's terms and it hits you in the trials andthe tribulations real stuff and imaginary shit, what does it say Real Pansy to real it?Doesn't every real, just your brain, and somehow you know that some wrong.You don't know what it is. That's wrong and you're going crazy and you go totwenty meetings and nothing's happening. It doesn't seem to be working andeverything and the only that's happening is getting more MIS. Mote andmore Oom is rol mormer and then finally, somehow you're forced to your knees towant to get rid of this thing whatever it is. So much and then maybe afterfive years, all of a sudden you're, not always thinking about women or men orsex or Romans, were all of a sudden. You know always think about all of asudden. Slowly, but surely you start seeing you start seeing the bondage to the sex, the bondage tothe romance the bondage to the money, the you think you're just in a cagehaving to do with alcohol, and you start seeing how big the damn page is,and every every every year that goes by it's a new cage, a new thing, a new Dan,and you can't believe that what the Hell is going on. You can't believejust just like with the booze you're gonna have to go to the first step overand over and over again repeated humiliations, the new prest, repeatinghumiliations until you in the crushing of your self sufficiency, and that'snot the first. That as mapped is the first step. But it's found in theseventh step, which comes after the sixth step which separates the mountfrom the boys, and you got the people that come inhere and they stop drinking. You know what I remember what I toldyou I said for every two thousand people. That's rank again after comingin here with long term sobriety, one guy with over thirty years, with contented sobriety for every five thousand people thatcome in here and stop drinking that go out again, one guy with over forty years sobriety. So here's the deal not drinking not drinking does not ensure that you won't drink. Let that say again: It's not drinkingin no way ensures that you won't drink now, listen, I'mnot putting down the old times back there. They pruss the old guys thatsame test hot the plug in the job. It's all bullshit forget the God think, butthat God is not for you. Don't worry about that Shit, but not plugging thejob. Let me tell what the story is. What the Post story is. If you, if theonly thing you're in here for is not drinking, you will drink, you willdrink, you will drink or you will be miserable and I didn't sign up formiserable sobriety. Obviously, there's got to be somethingelse. There's got to be something else,something else has got to happen and anybody who's been around day and hashung around with the guys with the thirty forty years. You'd have to be deft on the blind andnot see, there's something else going on they're, not always talking aboutthe drinking they're talking about something else, Bill dots and alcohol's number, notnumber three said the Lord said. I knew there was something more something Ihadn't got something personal O had. I was trying to find the answer of Bill.Wilson was in my house, and I was listening to him and I was trying tofigure out what it was they had such a release. They have not such a releasefrom this deal. They had the promises they had the stuff we talked about andbill. Wilson turned to my wife,...

Henrietta and said Henry at the LordGod has been so wonderful to me. Turn of this trouble disease that I got tokeep talking about him telling other people and build docks and said I hadthe answer, the golden text bill believed in God- and he wasgrateful to God and he gave all credit to God for everything that was going onin his life no credit to himself and he was so excited about that. He couldn'thelp he wanted to tell other people. He wanted to spread the word and he wasn'tembarrassed about. He wasn't apologetic about it. You know he didn't apologize.The meetings every time you said Word God, because not that he actually readthe Bible is not in the books. They found absolutely essential. First wentthirteen certin amount and the book James Books that nobody reads thesedays, because they're scared to read about er, because even though it saysan a libertade that was the books that they read when they say really haveseen. PERSO smart thoroughly fought our bad. Most people are closed mind eventhough they say we don't. We lose all presides even against or in an ereligion. We begin to, to wit, the right most people in a a do not havethe open, mindedness, O the willingness or the courage to actually look at thatstuff. You know why, because they're more worried about what other peoplethink about and those people who are not willing togo further down the road are people that will never ever lose fear of whatother people think about. So you get to live a silver life monabout what other people think about it. You all the time which is a crummy Shit,shitty life. It is a shitty life. I mean you can go to forty years ofmeetings and feel shitty or you can go to forty mees of with forty years ofmeans and feel free. You can go to thirty twenty years ofmeetings and be ashamed of yourself and try to figure out why you're alwaysscrewing up and what's wrong with you or you can go to twenty years ofmeaning to be free and be Induo got a choice. It's yourchoice! You know what I mean. It's your choice, it's your choice! You know! THAT'S THEDEAL! The Saint Er dress rehearsal, it's not like you know, you know yousin the bed and you're ninety years old and you're about to die and all of asudden you're saying to yourself see. Maybe I should have done itdifferent way. It's too late now, right, okay, so so sometimes it takes a long time tofigure out the in Saturday. You know I can't tell you about the inside. I canmention a few things. Maybe you'll go think about so yeah. I felt that way.I've been that way, I'm just a that's the that's alcoholic, that's the realalcoholism, not the drinking the drinking is what alcoholics do whenthey're suffering from alcoholism. If you don't, if you give up the booze,but you don't work on the alcoholism which continues which has to do withthe insanity, you understand, even if you don't drink again, you'll neverfeel for it. You won't be happy with your sobrietyin the big book. It says this one thing and all end on this. It says here andthere once in a while, it's in vision for you check it at here and that youknow nothing. I've said tonight difference from anything in aliterature. It is possible, believe it or not to read the big book alcoholicsanonymous, even though it's all in there thing I said and not see it as amatter of fact, most of us do. We only see certain stipit nine years overwe'll see a line that we've read a thousand times and only ship. That'sexactly what's going on with me. I just see to a glass darkly and the bit of itsays here and there once in a while an alcohol being dry for the moment. Youknow I used to think that dealt with guys for three months. They could be adeal with a god is thirty years and I'cod being dry at the moment, you alla drive. The moment says, feel better. Look Better, I'm having a bit at a time. We laugh at that kind of Shit. We knowit's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with hissobriety. No soon. No! No loneliness is a few dude he'll be at the jumping offplace. You can be at the jumping off place often years, so ere you can be a to jumping off place at twenty five yearsold. Every day you can be at the jumping allplace. You know you need to once you stop drinking, you need to figure out.You need to just assume that you're crazy, listen to me. You will neverhave a problem. My sponsors used to...

...drill into me because I had all thesedegrees on the wall and everything that I was crazy. My sponsor never missed anopportunity to tell me my my best thinking on my best day got me in theposition. I'm in then I know as much about life as a dog knew about hisfather. My my first sponsor was not every incredible spot or that thor Ihad was never never felt thad about pricking my balloon and blowing up myidea that a how fantastic gun was. You know what I mean. I was roun up tothink that I'm a basket case. I better not do anything on my own. No matterhow bright the grouch of the brainstorm was not for me, you didn't want to hearabout my brain storms. You know, and my you know, that kind of stuff and thebottom line is you're, probably going to do better off in your life sort oflike with the unger line, feeling that your nuts that you're crazy and that any sanity that you have or init good it's going on with you and as something to do with God, working yourlife behind your back without asking your prison and maybe because of thingsthat you've been willing to do things, you've been even to step forward andthinking about how good you're doing he goes out great. You are how smart youknow. It's probably a better attitude to like the hat I to doubles on at sothank you very much God blessed.

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