AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 7 months ago

Russell S. Step 1 at the 12 Step House 5/6/2021


Russell S. Step 1 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 5/6/2021

High money is Rustin scats. I'man alcoholic group. It's great to be here, really is. This is, I think, my second hydervate step series. So we're something like experimentingThis Day. I've got steamy over there on a computer and black up Lewisyour so but he goes on this. Their fault, nothing to do withit. Just start telling charge. Are you want to say one thing asthe way. That right, and remember the south takes a group and Ihave time. That sat in January, game one. I usually this isone of the groups. Usually once a year I come up. God Ido a step series and the last years going on. But the coach tobe guy. You want to if you don't want to go on out ofa personal privilege, if you don't want to put just a couple minutes.I would just like to say something. It's that has something new with youguys, but it s to say Benny Bitty Bitty, then any Tel forit is actually on doom and he told me if I would mention them fromthe podium it would give me ten dollars. I mentioned man, we have nothese are being m comes. We have no. These are BIS,but I don't see him condition to talks infrontation, maybe a few bucks,saying we don't have a couple ways. That an even talking around a longtime. So what you guys have started we're gonna now. I've got thiswhen I first came down Hoos anamous. I don't know how many people isa steps series. Now I don't a lot of funch. You guys havebeen one of money stepsters and you know it's hume. But you know whenyou go to most people when they go to stepster. And by the way, I want to tell you something. I don't know how many people knowthis. I when I was brought up on stepsters, I doing stepsters forthirty five years and various locations. Who dative ground hobbies, county and andwhen I when I was brought up on stepsters, following people around about stepsseries and and so I thought, because I was born on steps series andtry to follow the people around, that I'm expected that they had set seriesall over the world. And I started traveling. I go to New York, I'd say wells their stepsters. I said whatever, we know what Iwas talking about, Jami. They I was on about how afforded they wedon't know. We have speakers meetings in we have a discussion. Is BigMote. We don't have any sceess and I think they're maybe having you know, I know this a whole bunch of more on the Internet and one ofmy mentors. I've had, you know, many wonderful sponsors and I'll talk aboutthem. One of my mentors is way to keep and we had him. He came down from the Marina groupment of New York. We had candoing a bunch of stessters that roll over here built at catch me or they'reexcellence and maybe they're starting to do the SAS in other places. I thinkyou're a great way to go for a new people and other people to learnand sort of like get the benefit of people that have been around for along time. So in any of my first came to alcoholics are not sothe way the sex series are supposed to supposed to run alcoholic. Several ofthese innsicipations. So you may just you probably think this is going to bewent on step one. How people think of how many of you is goingto be on step one? Great Dion, you know swansh you said when Ifirst game us you don't rust. Really have to lower your expectation,especially when it comes downcolics, because you would expect you back to certain wayand then they don't do what you think they should do, it you getall pissed off. And so I'm going to talk about whatever. I'm goingto talk to see where that I'll probably mentioned something. That drink, andit's not really your problem. You know you're up. You know that.So and that's because I drink. It's really a symptom, you know,it's what they said. The BIG BOOT is only a symptom of problem.By the way, you guys are about the alcoholics and whenever it turned onthe proud you've got, you guys ward about the Alcoholic Ten dollar crows.Now serious, what's what every renning me about that? Well, it's thatalcohol is going to ten said has ten bucks. So I yeah, Iasked you to devantage up on so I don't know, but he's had,because what happened is the first stuts of advantage, off he went on.I am musing. So the sign, though, it's a ten crews tothe MAHAMAS. So guys, you know, walked in as one of our members, one of our members are going there. Walked in and he saidI see a science as ten cruises the Momma's and he says we got guss. Yeah, this was this ten dollar crews to MOMMAS. He says,yeah, this is me. I got ten dollars to Mohammas. He says, yeah, that's what the side sets.

Is that? When I said Igive you ten, do I get a crus to Mohammadans. You gotten dollars, he says. Was said, he sus, you're on the ship, you're on Mort you have the cruise your days. So the gojakes ten dollars out of his pocket. This is the guy, they say. You know, he's whack on the side of the head. He goesunconscious. Powers later he waves up in the build the bolstering, floating onlike a haunting or something, no lands in sight and apparently floating eastward towardsthe Mohammads. And of course he saw cats, you know, and inthis floating ring and everyone like that, and the sun is going down andhe sees up ahead of him about a hundred yards another guy, okay,hand me. Now sees another guy, also with a baseball cap, floatingeastward in the same type of you know, you know, floating. So hefeverishly paddles over to the other guy, takes some about ten minutes and frobecause of the other guy, he says. He says, do youbelieve this? You believe us? He says, yeah, this is ten, ten boxes. Yeah, he says, this is this, this is we'regonna die out. You'RE gonna die on you. The Sun's going down. I mean there's nothing side. Forgot. We're gonna do. There's no land. I said, we're going to die this. Yeah, yeah,I know, it's just they don't be along a since. He says.Yeah, about that, he says, but this isn't funny, this iscriminal. This is absolutely criminal. What's kind of actually believes is yeah,yeah, I know, I know. So they just floating, floating,quoting, and all of a sudden the guy turns the gout baseball has saysyou think they see us on the group in terms and says, I don'tknow, they didn't last year. Member of our book says this is aserious because sometimes we who stoopid them tell over and over there, you know, my favorite quote. I know, I know you got to let mebecause you love the side I've every voted by John Wayne. Life is toughand he assume it is stopping my stock. So I don't even as an outand I'll say whatever it is. But I'm a talking about the diseaseof alcoholism. You know I wanted me, I was cold bots that. Therewas a statistic government back to self for you and it says what howmany you can say about? How many people say so? It said onehalf of one percent of you to come day as one. Two want tosay so for front of you, and I know a lot of you beso for twenty years. That aren't happy this bright don't sound like ring on. I don't who are not have to worry about that stuff. You justwant, sure to know the guy that stay sober. But I know this. You know one of the things that happens when you can sold for awhile. One of my spot is my first spots I've had for sponsors inthe mentor's very close to all fantastic men, and one of the things my firstcos us to save me bought some of Bob Sullivan, rider, JohnGlenn, real key and now apparently be on and you know, their owntemporary you. Actually you can by temporary responsible believe there's no permanent ones.They don't die on you. They don't they ask your permission, you know, and that's the deal. But my Stilton piece of every one of theseguys in my brain is that's how wonder they were. That's what I wantedto be like and and the bottom line is so. So my first sponsorsaid a lot of things. The one of the things the certainly Russ hesaid men put a man. He said you don't Russell when a man withthe experience get tonail with money and mail with experience and walk away with themoney. When they're with the money, will walk away with an experience.And I'm going to tell you something. But I learn is this. Iwas a hot shot. I was just I was like every other alcohol inhere. I was smarter than her, wiser than a person in the entireplanet. Okay, my favorite line was you don't understand. You know.You didn't have to in the whole sentence out personally words. You don't understand, you gotta listen to you don't understand. You know and and you know.That's that's the dealing. And one of them that happens without bolts.You know, alcohol, it says in a big book. And then lessontill Abol concepts. is alcoholism with all the consequences. You know there areconsequences to be an alcoholics. Did you know that they're right? You're all. There are some consequences that have nothing to do with drinking. Has Todo with insanity. Less till alcohol concepts. Alcohol is M'm which is in thedrinking, which is not the drinking. This to me, alcoholism is notthe drinking. It was the drinking. You guys speak here as a backpack. If you think out all of...

...this, is the drinking. I'mgoing to help you guys acumented to have the city guys a lot of money, a lot of time. You're ready the alcoholism as something drinking list.This is what you do. Just don't turn that to complicated. So drink. Okay then, really, I mean don't drink. You don't have togo to mean, you're not that smash your Jerry. You know, Ijust don't drive. Just gave you the answer. Don't drinks. Not whenI tell you don't drink. My problem is not drinking. Now it hasbeen high. I'm not a drinking problem, nor desire to drink, nor obsessionto drink. And over for you and my accession to drink out Bholand my desire drink got ball probably passed during the first three of all months. Now, I'm not saying once in a blue moon or something like that. The BOOT doesn't cross my mind like a flash and I'm discovered quickly.You're just on an alcohol and Saturday and stuff like that. But but itdoesn't cost that. He hit more quite frantically than figured out my bank accountand wing at that red hand or whatever, any any other thing that used toI used to. You know, listen, I'm an alcohol and aSelfdeea Hall it. You know. I can get dropped on anything and getdrunk on redhead. You know I'm an alcohol because don't no amount of money, no woman, no car, no job, no suit of clothes,no new haircut, no, no, nothing ever worked quite as good orquite as fast as just a few drinks. I define you to have alcohol,drink alcohol and have to do for you a differently and stop you justsay let to do it. It was the answer to all my problems,you know, and the unfortunate part of my life is that alcohol stop workingin a real bad thing about my dealer is alcohol stopped working for me aboutten years. Be Part of your life. Is stopped with me and I hearda lot of I'll tell you what it is. The an alcohol butit is the an alcoholic for something like this. I'll tell you when youknow you got an alcohol when you start drinking against your will, when youwake up in the morning and you say I'm not going to have a drinktoday and my heart pot drink and your sincere just hears, when you wakeup the Wednesday, I'm not going to buy alcohol today, and my body'clockin the afternoon you're walking down the wind see and spend two thousand any nightsense to buy, you know, half down a bottle of Carlos Rossi Gandyand you sitting by the but you guys even over the record players, somethingthat's vinyl, you know, he said, by your vinyl record play and playingall those great out the stars. I don't the lone room run,the blue rainy days among days, anything but Karen cartoner, thinking about allthose gals and how they did. You go on, you know the namethat you think will be about your funeral. You know you're yeah, you're lyingit. You're not really bad. You're behind the tree. Doesn't sendsaying and all your former girlfriends are around them hoping you at all gilding andeverything was in the way they treated. Do you know what I mean?And you know, and you're just drinking and listen to all that great musicthat pore me. You use it, you know, and they say toyourself. On that said, that's when is be an alcoholic. The Wayfrom saying I'm not going to drink any drunk wake them, say I'm notgoing to drink an to say I'm not going to drinking any Dune and youdon't want you come and all send the life. Can Stop Drinking. Soyou just your mind. You thirty one years old. You said you knowyour life is over. You know it's never going to get better again.Just hear the hell on, because you never got to stop drinking. Youknow, I'm I'm an out. I'm an alcoholic. About how the gravemental disordered type, you know, that kind of thing they talked about wherethey say you perfectly normal and all these steps to set a slight nervous disorder. You know I mean a slight nervous disorder, and so I guess that'sthe drinking thing. But what it says in the big book, when youdon't, we work as alcohols buzz symptom of and I guess what they meanby that is, you know, I've seen thousands and thousands and downs peopleleft four years like sponsored hundreds of people that stop drinking. I'm not sureI've ever heard of anybody. I don't know. If I don't know,so I can't correctly. Is the generalization. I'm not sure I've ever heard anyperson that has come to Aa with the desire to stop drinking that hasn'tstopped drinking. What do you think about that? I'm going to anybody who'sever desired to stop drinking who was come. They who hasn't stop drinking for aweek, for ninety days, for a year, for ten years,twenty six years, the l they start drinking again. They say things likeI've been around a for twenty six years.

Well, I'm only sober for thirtydays, but around. You know, I just blew ten years sobriety andI'm back. I'm back again, I'm picking up again and otherwise I'veheard that all the time. So let me ask you something. In alcoholicsand alcoholism is about drinking, how come everybody's it's Ober fifty years. Icome. Very few people in a room now has forty years or fifty years, and we should have a lot of people with different years. And youknow, because here's what happens. You're coming. I covered that. Thisis this is the benefit, I guess, of growing older. I'm just givingmics. It's just my experience. I can be wrong. I'm justall of my experience because that's all I am. All I have is mystory. But the big book says is our stories disclose, and it's ina way it's our stories. You know, God's grace and what God can dofor alcoholic is in our stories. You may not believe in God,you're not leaving God on him to show you know and listen to God.My instand. We will not allow me to impose my faith and I believeon you, but it requires me to expose who I am and because ofan incredible program and incredible God, not only can I talk about God andnot for me. I don't worried about what you like it. And letme tell you something. If you know anything about alcoholism, the real diseaseof alcoholism. You want to see what the real disease of alcoholism looks like, I'll give you a head it looks like you telling yourself that you don'tthink to shit about what other people think about if you remember said that toyourself, then you'll tell you something. You got a real problem. Howabout this? Have you ever said to anybody else that you don't give ashit with a defend? If you represent that to anybody else, you gota real boldage. You're a slave. You know you're slave. You're aslave to other people. They live in your head. You worry about withit. They did of that. You're worried about what they're going attend about. Somebody proposes that you do something. You got a job, where usedto where you get a haircut, you do anything, and this is whatyou think. You said, well, do I want to do it?Yeah, I want to do it. would be good for me. Youhave you know. Can I do it? Yeah, I can do it.And then the point court is something like this. What would people thinkabout me if I do it? And if the answer is, I don'tknow what they're got. Let me, are not you know you'll do.You'll just cancel it out, because if you're one of those people that thatsay I don't give us, keep on telling yourselves I don't give a crapwhat other people think about me. If that's what you do, you saythat. Let me tell you something. People that really don't give a crapwhat other people think about them never say I don't give a crap what otherpeople then about they say things like passing action. They don't say that.What happens in alcoholics anonymous is this. I comeing dowlcoholics anonymous because I can'tstop drinking. That's the only reason I get you know, it seems likea good place to know. You know, mine buzzes in the name alcoholics anonymous. Your figure. If you can't stop drinking, that's where you know. And I come in here and I say I can't stop drinking, youknow what happened to me. I had bond, they said. They said, why all this assistance on him gone? Because no BOL's going to make it. They're not going to do the things you're going to ask them todo unless they think their life behinds wine and everybody's bottom to be different thangive you a small thing, you feel large thing of seven, twenty two, one thousand, nine hundred and eighty. I hit bottom. I hit mybottom. I became as a using six step language. I became entirelyready to have God or anybody remove the drinking problem. I was thirty oneyears all that to my life was over. You want to know what the youdon't want to. If you remember, hit bottom on the first step.If you remember, found yourself at the point in your life where youcan't stop drinking. You can't stop drinking your whole life. You moms arounddrinking and that's the way it is. And one day, one day,something happens. You can't even remember what it is that happened. They it'sa small thing, maybe it's a large thing. And one day you getto the point where something snaps, something snacks and all of a sudden youhave somehow become, you don't even realize this intellectually, because it's not intellectualthing, entirely ready to do anything to stop drinking. You're so ready tostop drinking that you'll even, I don't know, go to alcoholics anonymous.You'll even, I don't know, call up alcoholics anonymous you'll even tell somebodyI need help, I can't stop Drin. Listen, you're so ready to stopmeet drinking. You'll go to a meeting where you don't know anybody andyou'll walk up to the part of room and pack up a white chip,almost like announcing to the public that you need help. That's how ready gobe. And you will be so ready.

You will do that and you don'twant to lappen. This is an amazing deal. You'll stop drinking,but you didn't know that that a Mary you'll sign. You'll be at apoint your life when you have done everything to try and stop drinking and yourpowerless over the drinking. You can't stop drinking and something will happen and youdon't even know what's gonna Happen. You try for a year to stop drinkingthe drunk, you can't stopping and all sudden something happens and you kind ofthe word where you're entirely ready to stop drinking. No, you're not thinkingin terms of the big book or in terms of stats, but that's whathappens, and it's not an intellectual thing. It's not because you figured something tohas a matter of factor don't the door or not. You have don'tidea what's going on. You are probably at the dumbest point in your life. It's not back. You're at the point in your life where, howabout this, where you've actually stopped thinking. No, thoughts aren't necessary. Yougive it up. You don't know what to do, so you windup in here announcing that you can't stop drinking. You take up a whitechip and all of a sudden you stop drinking. And as you stop drinking, now you stop drinking and you don't like amaze and you know something happened. You don't even know what happened. Somebody said what happened. When evenknow what to say? You have to Fisher out fords that I don't knowwhat day was. Day was blind, now I'm see. I see theone day I was dead. Now on the line. One thing, mylife was like this and now my life was like that. And you maynot like the idea of God, but you have no idea with a fuckactually happen, you know what I mean? So God's is good to deal asanything. You know what I mean. You're walking around. Hey, howbad. Even if you hate God, you'll sit in the meeting. Asthere's a ward's break, you'll sit there as they're saying this ranting bird, because you have re support your wife, you're in tongrated, do anything aslong as you can stop drinking. And more than eighty else, youdon't want to drink. So what happens is you go for a month andyou don't drink and you go for and maybe you still have the obsession.You're not drinking, but everywhere you go to look at other people who areever at home and that and that have a less ones for an out.And I mean that guys like you know. I mean that should be shocked,you know, and maybe you're not drinking. You just worried about whateverybody else is drinking or not drink, you know. And after why youget sick and tired of that kind of obsession. And Son tells you Musgetting these and prayer to God as something movie of session because decided to drinkingout party. It's just a thinking about you're going to shout with us.So somehow, you said it is a rounding prairie, follow instructions of allfew orders and all some. One day you go for a whole day andall of a sudden around, not a fucking nine you see, hell,I'm going out drinking for a whole day. It's like a miracle. How didthat happen? Then the next day you don't think about drinking and allsends. Got One year and you're not thinking about drinking. They got sixyears and you're thinking about drinking. wight's going pretty good. You know,couple bumps that everybody from Tom Maybe ten years. Nothing about drinking. Allthese down for you. You're having fun with the fellowship. You finally arrived. You got five years after ten years. That from you doing okay. Andso you tell yourself, you don't tell yourself this out loud, youknow, but maybe subconsciously, that you jared. I'm not really sure,because you know you can't be cured. You've heard that age, but Imean you're you're a pretty bit shit. Ye haven't I drink it for tenyears? You haven't had drink for fifteen years. You haven't have drink fortwenty years. You know, I mean you're an alcoholic, but you knowyour parts. Much to meet this year, you know what I mean. Andso you still got to means. When you go com needed to leavenobody sponsor anybody. There's nobody needs asking anyway. You know, I meanyou're not speaking the easings, you know, doing service, because you're not,because you're not drinking. Maybe you have a sponsor, maybe you don'thave a sponsor, maybe you have a sponsor, but you never talk tobecause you haven't have really any problems and after all, you're not question.And then maybe you really stop going. So maybe only go to once andonce in a while you got to meet it. I don't know what's goingon. And then one day you have fifteen years and I don't know.You married something that whatever that kid is, and all of a sudden one dayyou start B and you go to a meeting finally, after about ayear or two, if you make it back, and you're trying to explain. You trying to explain why you started...

...drinking. And here's the truth.That truth is you don't know why you started. Do you really have noclue? Who listened anyway, and who would listen to somebody who starts bringingafter ten years anyway he goes. Are About as dumb as that guy whowent out to cruise the second time I've seen. If they knew anything.They have ten years, then there I'm saying. But this is what theysaid, this is what they're thinking. They think they started drinking because theystop going to eating. I don't say things like that. We'll hear itat me. They'll say I stopped going to eating, I stopped speaking tomy sponsor, right stopped continuing. It sounds pretty good to you because youhear it a lot of the means. But here's the problem. It doesn'treally tell the story, because you say to yourself, is what you said. Well, I got to take it now. I'm never going to youhear this guy say I stopped going to meetings, and so what you sayto yourself is, I just think you never going to stop going to means. I'm never going to stop going to meetings, so there's gonna be noproblem. But then somebody explains you you see that guy stop going to means. I was at a meeting in the once and I heard him say,I'm never going to stop going to eating, and you start realizing that you didn'tdiscover anything to anybody else. Does as matter Morelia, and you know, one of the old ideas that I used to have is that nobody couldpossibly understanding my problems are so my sof different who I don't even know whatto tell people, how even explain them. They wouldn't understand anyways. I'm likealone. How do they possibly understand it? And so what happens isand you don't even know what to say or how to say it. Butthe bottom line is is you think you have these original ideas like I'm justnever going to stop going to means. You don't realize that everybody in therejust got anybody starts off serious, tells themselves this is easy. I nevergot stopped all the means, until the day comes where there's the red head, there's a good looking God, there's the house in the country, there'sa new car, there's the job, there's a worldly climates, there's themature things in the world. He's not. You literally stop going to means,you stops watching people, you're not drinking and you don't feel you know, some says watch going to these is no, I'm not feeling. Okay, I'm okay and you are okay. So you settled for not drinking becausereally drinking was the only problem really had and you don't like delibercally not goto he I mean Bill Wilson these days said used to say when they askwhat you think people, they don't drinking, don't go the means, you wouldsay, I have no use from you. They have no gratitude.Whatever that happen is and the bottom line is, but you get this feelingabout you that you're feeling well and you're okay. You keep this day andeveryone like that, and so you you just sort of start killing all Communisand you don't. And it's because the real question is why you people comein here and hear about that stuff for getting, stop going to beans andstop going with things they're supposed to do. That's the real thing. You ask, why does that happen? And the problem is this. The problemis is, in order to stay sober, there's a couple of things that Ithink have to take place with an outball. Number One, they haveto understand what the disease is. So a lot of people don't understand itbecause you guys know with the second see we're going to bounce over, thesecond of a bounce back and forth. Second, third see. Let's takethe second step now, the second step. Were all ready on steps. Cameto believe that a power rating some story to stand right. Right,that that I get that right. You got a purse. Listen, I'mseventy two years old. I'm not that well, mostly enough. I've beentested, arden testing. That's so I'm saying. My wife tested this.I'm not drunking about this. You know, I don't have to back up.This is true, because here's the problem. Has Anybody here worried aboutstuff? I've ever had an anxiety. Everybody ever found themselves helping three putone, worried about shit? Have you ever found yourself worried about the sameshit for a long period of time? Yes, have you ever find yourself, maybe it's some money problem, maybe it's email or mail problem, maybeit's a roll an problem, maybe it's a job problem and it's a hugeproblem. Maybe it's worried about what people think about the problem with the goingto think about the problems. Can Happen. You ever find yourself worried about thesituation a person you don't like for more than an hour? Yes,more than two hours. You ever find...

...yourself worried about the same situation forlike a week? Ever sounding up the morning they got the same situation youever waiting three block the morning think about the same situation for a week andnot? You never get a sleeping then worry about that and you never sayto yourself, then I've been thinking the same damn clouds for a week aboutthe same day or thing. I don't think I'm getting it. I thinkyou ever tell you something? I gotta Stop Thinking about this Shit. Youever tell you something you gottas like like what you ever I used to sayI got to stop drinking. You ever ever tell you something? I gottastopped drinking, I got to put this drink and I got a from everytime your stuff, I get stopped thinking that stuff. How long is thatresecon and then you start thinking about again? You ever think that maybe you're addictedto crazy fucking thing again? To think that that's a possibility, that'sjust like one thing. That's just like one thing. You know, bythe way, you know what comes. You know he's if you are likethat, you know what helps with that. Scott, no, it's it's USlike not shit. Type of liquor, marijuana, drugs will health of thatshit. But if you having to belong to an organization like this week, you can't drink. You can't drunk. You're like stuff with that shit.So so and I don't want you to think the best. Your onlyproblem because apparently promised something. Being Selfish and selfcenter not I don't know whatthat is, but we're basically good people, right. You're basically go people.Right. Look up the word total to pravity. That's what my grandmotherus to send the basically a most most listen will basically know some ways.You really understand what is says. You don't. Any says you're not.That's pretty good person. You basically an evil person. You're basically a selfcentered, even person. Your selfish and your self center. That's the wayyou are. Given any particular situation. Over a period of time, youmade a couple of good of things, but eventually you're going to be selfish, your self centered. You're driven by a hundred forms of peer selfollusion,selfseeking. Your step up. Both been telling seem of that provocation, butin the end you basically hurt these people because you make decisions based upon selfishness. Could put you in a position to your yourself will run right or yougive a shit. By when my sponsors playing that to menus is you don'tget shit about anybody e's like yourself, and I prove it throughout my life. And I'm love to say to you that alcohol made me do all thisshit. But most of the people I heard, I heard them and becausethe things I said and things I did in the when is one of them, I did in colds own sober, and I've heard many and same people, many in the same ways, sober in alcoholics, anonymous, that Ihad to make a manage for you, Atteste for know. That's that's that'swhat my problem is. My problem is you. Every people say I'm spiritual, not religious. Man. I wish I could be like them. Boy, I wish I could say I'm a spiritual I wouldn't care. I'm notspiritual, I'm a material man. I am a diked to. Everything ison to think that's a sex romance. You know what I mean. Women, cars, money. Yeah, sure, are you laughing? You don't knowwhat it's like. I don't have that alcohol. I can walk intoa bar with a good looking Gal and look how all those guys looking atme and I'm like drunk. I'm drunk trusting, I'm on top of theworld. I'm the greatest. I could drive a randow Ferrari down the streetwith the windows down at the cigarette hanging out my mouth, with Sun withglasses on and sleeves rolled up, being twenty five years old and looking aroundlike the whole world were going to me. And I'm drunk. I got ahundred thousand dollars back. I'm drunk with money. I spend more moneyI don't have, buying shit out of me pimpress people I don't like.You can possibly imagine I'm drunk. I don't need you know something. I'man alcoholic, because nothing work better and faster than alcohol. But everything elsein this world works. Work to cure the instanity. You know. Here'sthe problem. Here's what alcoholics don't understand. The second step will restore you.The second step just where we comfortable that there's a power that can restoreus to stand. But here's the deal. The only way you can be restoredto sanity is if you're insane in the first place. I don't reallyunderstand you. See, if you're already sane, you don't have to berestored to sanity. And so with the problem is is that you're an alcoholyou're insane. You can be a world famous willing store and still be insane. You could be making millions of dollars and they find you ode and then, because you're insane, you could be...

...a world class happy and lose amillion dollar contrast contact contract because you're insane. You mean president of the United States, and being sucked off by some intern, again, also cause you'refucking insane. You don't need to be insane. If you're an alcoholic,you have a disease that centers in your mind and not your body, andyou're a fucking whack job. But here's the problem. You think you're okay, girl, okay. You think you're basically a good boy. You're basicallyokay. You atituating problems. You're five years so we're get off my back. You don't understand. Not Do is fine. I got a house,I'm not worried. But you're nuts and you don't even realize you're not.You know why, because yourself were right, though you usually know then. Soyou're not curing of alcoholism all you you have this incredible disease. Ybottom line is that's going to kill you. So you know. I mean,let's assume that. Here's the problem. You read the Big Book, butthe truth is you've never really read the bit because you suffer from theconsequences of unions. An alcoholic. So my first wife says to me,Wonderful Gal I was. I was I'm going to if only year and yes, butter, and you don't understand her, you don't have to stand me.I'm a yes, and my first wife, I was in I wouldyou know my mind. I was allowing alien from the word go. EveryFriday night, every Saturday night, every Sunday, every Wednesday, I'm goingto laws, just looking for her, looking for the Gal that's going tomake me okay. And I walked into class one day. He was Miamiand I saw some Gal with long legs and beautiful smile and I said,man, and I could have that down. That would solve my problem. Inthe gratch of the brace storm, I was constant. You ever seeyourself, if only ever to see me something only. I'm talking about sober. You ever said finally had that house, but only had that car fell lostcounts. Well, in that girl, I only end it. You neveryou ever live an a only life. You ever live an if only lifeand then you get everything. And then, since I's learning to sayingonly, it's like the only words, temporarily it's got a real short onmine. So I said, if I can only had this Collon, dothat. And so I got the gown and I got the job and shegave my wife and I get everything. I poor press to get that deal. Got Beat glass on my beach, other on the Horse country put blockcourse you can' did rich and cheap in the state attorneys office trime murder cases. I have a whole bit and I had that deal and I never cheatedon my wife. Never. Never. You know, I loved her.You know if I knew what Love was. And I sat in the bars andthose hobicide detectives drinking, looking at those girls on the dance floor.Those blonds grew nuts and then hands, and I said only after that,one of those early great it's only out the single, but I can doanything because because I'm a man of integrity. So I'm just sitting there drink withthem thinking about well, how great life would be only I cook youthat while my wife is in a home with the baby, and I wouldonly at two o'clock and more. And that happened all the time, allthe time. So one day, one day, my wife, who wouldbe for five years, apparently she noticed this. He actually notice this behavior. She was not happy about her. I didn't think it was anything wrong. I mean, I wasn't cheating on and I was just sitting the barlooking at the gals and wishing I could cheat on. The truth is,I didn't cheat on or not because I was in internity, because I wasscared whatever. Who knows? Had nothing to you a they sly atiece ofperson, because I wasn't. And she says to me, I just wantyou to know, early in the morning on the soldiers I am right now, become home, drunk, more time on meat. And she said itto me like it. She was delivered of that. There was no fightingabout it. She just walked away. I got in my car. I'mthe soldiers. I am right now. I'm graduated. Part is not matters. I was going for my PhD's very graduate lost wet and division, cheapthe city series office. No dunning. You know what I mean. Thisin the fact I knew everything. I knew everything and that's all I know. And I get to the first life, and I say this to myself.Far Words. If you come home...

...drunk one more time, I amleaving you twelve words. It's not fattening it. You can't take one wordthat, and I say this to myself, what the hell did you mean bythat? I was like that and that's a consequence of gain an alcohol. That's it. That's problem you have in alcohol. That's nothing more.Those has to do with the disease that that senters in mind. I goovide. One of the problems have is that whenever you here, readers, holdthat anything that you don't like, it confuses you and this world. Ifyou fuck off as much as we do, behind yourself in the middle of thegolf screen. For me, sport's the Moms, for the third orfourth time, you might find yourself, over and over again, say thingslike what the Hell's this all about, or how did I get here?How come on, Bro because you spend money, you know make you spendmore money than you make. You go the day. You might find yourselfwith a crappy sort of life, and it's because you're insane talking about yourdrinking. You're going to drink, you're going to drink. Are you're goingto live a miserable, soulber life and you're not going to be happy.Lets you push. You're insane and you don't realize and you think maybe aftera whong with as f time, you think it's other people's fault or yourwife's fault to your son Fall, whoever's fault it is. But the bottomline is, even even so, variety is crap with that and they're notgoing to stay in that page. And so one of the things that happensis which we pretty much you know, the truth of the matter is Ifind it almost impossible to talk somebody. You know, I could say alot of things. I can talk about a lot of my experiences. Igive you a drunk walk, I could do it. I got can tellyou different things. Right now. The Times up. I'm to take aboutthree more minutes. I can tell you different things that happened in my life. And then I drank blah blah blah, and then I drank blah blah blah, that I drank, blah blah blah, that I drank blah blahblah. Then I drank, I drank, I drank, I drank and atthe end of my drank. You would the same things, like somepeople say things like man, I did that, man, I did that, I did that, and you identified. But you want to something. Evenif you identify, that would not be enough to have you paper firststep. It really wouldn't, really wouldn't be. Does in order to takethe first step you have to have a desire, you know. I knowthat, just the big book says. I know you read this, butyou never really read because you can postily look at something reading but not reallyread it. Because the big book says, if you want whom we have andyou're willing to go to anybody you get, then you're ready to takecertain steps. You're not even ready to take the steps and say you wantwhen we have, and I can tell you all that. Alcoholis never likethat. But if you don't want what I have, we have or somebodyelse has. You know, some people come here and they're not ready.They don't want we have. They want and ready to this what they haveall they want what they had. They want to whorror around some more.They want to come here and look at the blond and say, look atthat one over there in the corner. They want to get late. Theywant to have sex, they want to get a husband, they want toget a boyfriend, they want to get money, they want to take atonuel out of this place because it's like a jail. They want everything,but the last thing they want is what some old, sudden he wrote guyhas. They don't want that. They just want some leads for a littlewhile. So then get their lives together and do the things that really theythink make them happy. And you know something, I can't help them withthat. You know, I could say a few words and maybe the nextfive times they go out, maybe they'll think back and say, I rememberthat guy and I wish I would be like that and I want that stuff. And then what'll happen is they'll start hanging around here talking to men orwomen that have been around for a long time. It's there smoking in theparking lot and bullshit in the round. But I can't bear to desire.Nobody be a desire. You just have to drink your way into the desire. You got to horry way into the desire. You just got to ruinyour life away into the desire. That's what you got to do. Youknow what I mean? Side that's next the deal. But everybody you knowI can't. I'm not going to say something here. Don't sometimes I likeit's going to go on. Say then then I'm so for thirty years becauserussels fats gave some sort of talk, and that's the way. That's whathappened. You're gonna get the point where just think becomes so important to you. You desire to have so much what's going on in here, which hasnothing to do with sex, nothing to do with money, nothing to dowith anything material that you've been running after. You want so much righting to hearthat you will actually denounce and not even think that. Not even gofor that stuff. You want this stuff. And I don't know how that happens. I know what happened in it.

But here's the problem. The problemis, even if that happens to you, all you'll be is intransition. will be in transition. You may get to the point where youwant sobriety and emotional sobriety, woman, anything else, but you want toknow something. You're just starting off with the deal and therefore the next fiveand fifteen, maybe twenty years you'll be you ever hear the one the bigbook half measures of elus nothing. You have your line the big book.There is no middle of the road solution. Never hear that. There is nomiddle row solution. Give you a line a big book. God iseither everything or he's nothing. He's either everything or he's nothing. You everhad the one a big book? There is one of us all power.That what is God? You ever in a line in the big book itsays above everything, must get with the selfishness. We must have fills.This God makes that possible. There seems no other way of getting rid ofit. Every here the line of the big book where it says what youmake this decision seriously. Also to remark what things happen? He will giveus everything we needed to stay close to him and reform his work. Well, whatever, whoever he is and whatever his work is. Ever hear thoseones? You, every one. Would they mean? You know what itmeans when it says there's going to will the road solution it needs. Youcan't be you half now and Jesus at the same time. That's right,I'll tell you what it means. It means you can't. You can't bewanting to follow God and you. God's work was for us is to helpother people. Of the way up the morning and think about God and thinkabout other people and trying to help other people. But they like about thatand also worried about what you look like, what's going on down and what kindof what kind of posing with and be obsessed with that shit to thevanity stuff and what kind of car you drive or how much money you have. It's all in it's not. There's no meal on the road and I'ma mind of the road kind of God. Hey, listen, I'm going toget it all to God and that on a snatch that shit back.I'm going to throw in the towel and now a snack. Stats are goingback and I'm gonna throw them off stricks to see what that was sax bythe Guy for the next ten or fifteen years. So I love God,but look a bit at cant but I love God. Look at that blond. I Love God, but what about this? You know I mean.And then you will spend the next ten years, or maybe fifteen years,or many, maybe twenty years, years in hand to hand combat between thespiritual world and love of God. The most alcoholics. Don't you want tohear about because it says in a book is Your Real Alcoholic. You HateGod. That happens in next day. The people talk. So you sitto leading with the entire book and everything in the book is about developing everyless you're with God, and you sit in the meeting where you're scared totalk about God because everybody in the Google's tools. You don't talk about God, will scare away the new conor, and so you know, sort ofschizophrenic. It's hard to get help in a situation like that, where theentire big book is telling you one thing and the entire fellowship is telling youstay sober on our it. Don't talk about God. You don't talk aboutGod because you might offend someone. One said so. The actual solution that'sin the big book. The central fact to be rocket in the fourth dimensionof existence, to experience much of matter. The great fact is that said nothingless, which means and nothing less, is that God has to become thecenterpiece of your life and you have to be convinced that he lives inyour heart and your mind, which is a a with actually in your heartin your mind. Make it all these things possible. But whatever you do, don't say it today. Don't see the last say, but you're reallyserious about the share, but you want some. Everyone's in a while,if you're lucky, if you're fortunate, but God is fortunate, will cometo a meeting and they'll be a man. Maybe he's been going someting for along time and he's no longer a slave to other people's thoughts. Don'tsell say because you know something he's read supporting the process, lost fear ofpeople and economic circumstances in security. He doesn't worry about it, about he'smore concerned in his life to God and the only thing he wants about itis after he leaves. An a meaning that I leave anything on the table, that I tell him everything you want me down and awesome. You're thatguy. Sly Shit. I never hur anyone about that, but something yourmind says just so. I think this...

...is the shit they talk about inthe bit book. I think is and you know something, those people thatfound that deal, they never ever drink. There's two doors in air. There'sthe not drinking door and there's a wind up of that door, andthen there's the rocket in the fourth dimension, Gore, and there's four or fivepeople on the back, that's say, and everyone's why you see somebody gofrom the not drinking club to the Rock and in the Fourth Dimension Club, you know what I mean. But you never see a cold the otherway because when you get to the poem, you wrote Your Life to God andhe's done the most important thing in your life and your and you getthe joy of living. So you wake up the morning, you don't needanything else. You don't worry about a lot of other stuff. You youknow you ain't going about your drinking is not even part of the Equat.It's not even a drinking you're just trying to look for other people, peoplethat you can help. Like Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been sowonderful to make sureity of the stars. He's got to talking down tell thepeople. You can't help yourself from talking about this God once stolen before cametoday. If you don't know who you are, what you are, whatthe purposes of the planet, by Time Your thirty you're going to be inrock and I was going to rock something. I'm not the rock back. WhoI am? What I am there and all it is somehow somewhere.I just followed these men, these men that found this thing, and Ilistened to him that I wanted more than anything else. That's something, becauseI'm smart, because I got to tell you something, when I was thesmartest guy in the room, I was the drunkest stuff. I was theguy wasn't listening to that was money. So I know what was our firststep? Second, third, Len Fo. What was that? Not Right?There's that's it. Yeah,.

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