AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 5 months ago

Russell S. Step 1 at the 12 Step House 5/6/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Step 1 at the 12 Step House, Ft. Lauderdale , FL 5/6/2021

I my name is Rasselas on O. It's great to be here is, I think mysecond hid a so I experientiam I got see overthere on the computer and a? U Willison is there for no with it. You want to say one thing: the AIusually saone a year. I come up and I do serisay. If you don't winerooms liketo say something, it has something to do with you guys, but I secale Donnelis actually of, and he told me about the mention in from emotion. He wouldgive me ten dollars. Fate have no eetion around a long time. So are youguys is fun? WE'RE gonna DOWN? I've got fi first OANES, O o l? U Best on Moses, you know when you know what most popewhen they go to Sterry the way I want to tell you some. I don't know how manypeople know this when I was grow up on steps in talking bout, sessore or thirty- five, yes and variousloopers Teca grown calcon, and when I, when I was brought on steps as fopeople around on step series, and so I to a series and trying to follow Parama,I expected that the ancestors all the world I started traveling a New York e Aigatashi, the Sutoni at Watersea. Ithink they may be. Have I for A. I know this whole bunch of on the Internet andWot of my maters. I've had you know many wonderful sponges and I'm talkingabout him. What am I a just raace and we had him. He came down from the MariaGroup, a Pube York. We had to Otoit a bunch of sepsis that all eiraenae theirexcellent and and maybe there's starting to be sins in other places, ather great way, O people and other people to learn and sort of like it,the benefit of people that have been around for a long time. So, in an on myfirst came, a holsome set series are supposed to supposed to a Ol these initiations, so a probantursaid when I first realte when it comes to, if you unseated de than they shoulddo it you. If someone talk about water on P, you's, a that's because I drink, it'sreally Asia's. What they said. The bigoty guys at the alcohol is an Wiyogot. You guys her at the oars at a everyone's. So I actually to e a O. Utchat happens the first Tadanao tenses God now walkin a one of ourmembers at of our members into his Aralian. He said I see your sciences,ten dol cruises to as an he says, T O cases yeah. I was histo s yeah. This is me. I have tenAmasisyeah. He Set A. I give you ten. I...

...get cristmass on the sitsons pocket.There's is no lack on the side. A E goes on concealers player ways up fromthe builter on like a son or something no land in sin and apparently floating eastward towards the game. And, of course you so none the sun isgoing down and he sees a head of par about a hundred yards, another guy,okay, an she's another guy. Also it a baseball cap floating eastward in thesame type of now you know fo, so he feverishly handles over to theother guy. Take some about ten minutes and finally goes open me up on, and hesaid I he says: Do you believe this you believe is hesays yeah I tutoye. He says this. Is this we're gonna die Ogonna die on you, the Sun's going down. I mean as Tuist we're gonna this onland. I said we're going to die, uses yeah, I know on he says yeats isn't funny. This isPrentis is absolutely predial. What's that is I interaneis flogslowing Lo lo on the guy O, turns to got a lace ball and says he think they see us on the pesantesserious. Sometimes we do stupid, then Roy Avoit Ni know you guys a LeCauseyside, my ever boy by John Wayne, wife, is to and he's super is toper to.So I hate is, but I'm about the disease ofalcoholism. I wanted the. I was cool once an therewas a statistic. I O backin many people say about how you say servants at one aone per cent of you. We come day as on a and I know a lot e some. What yearsthat aren't happening in this rime? What sound like great o, who are notyou know you not worried bout that stuff. You just want you, the guy thatstays over, but I know this. You know one of things that happen when we'vebeen so for I on my sots, my first Ponta had for Ponses in the mentor thatis very close to call fantastic men and when, in my first coxe to say, OBotsobelo rider John Len ramp and I probably den andyou know their own temporary. I you my Er Posin is on Perma ONS. They Annasyou permission and that's the deal, but I to peace got one of these guys in mybrain, because that's how was the war? That's what I want to be like a d andthe man in you. So so my first pons e set up a lot of things to one of thingsin Ya senyder. He said you one experience e Ma with mine and the everexperience a walk way. The long when they a loving, will walk way withexperience o something at. Is this as a hot shot?I was. I was like every other Atholl in here. It was smarter center wiser thana person of the entire planet. Okay, my favorite line, was you don't understand,you know you may a the whole senators word you don't understand. You got tolisten to you. I understand you know and then- and you know- that's that'sthe dealing and what o this that happens without pots. You know alcolitebig, on a tolosa all consequences, other consequences to be an alcoholic.Did you know that they're right you're, not here some pocos- that have nothingto do with driving, has to do with the Saturday on such alcoholism, which is thedrinking which is not the drinking lister papalism is not the drink game, it was the drinkng beer, that's a afact or the God osis a drinking. I'm...

Goin help you guys at a on the city hasa lot of money. A lot of time were ready, O my so this a just on her hat to publication. I just don't drive just give you theanswer. Don't drink is a tell you O. my problem is not dreaty now has when Iam not read the problem more desiter of section to drink and over for you in my session to drinkout all my design grip alcohol probably passed during the first there of onemonth. Now, I'm not saying once a blue moon orsomething like that foot doesn't cross my mind like a lash and discoverquickly. Your was on an alcohol and I of Saturday and stuff like that, butbut it doesn't quite say at more quite frantically than think about my back account or within athat right hand or whatever any any other thing that you still used to you.I listen I'm an ALCOSTA. You know I get drunk on Erything, drunk on revision, ano amount of money, no woman, no car, no job, no SCUTOLO, no new air top. No,no, nothing ever work. White as good or quite as fast as just the as I find you to have alcohol drinkalcohol and have to do for you with Disney and stop, you just say, won todo it. It was the answer to all my problems. You know, and the unfortunateor on my life is that alcohol stop working a real badthing about my dealer. Is Alcohol Stop working me about ten years before Irealize this stop or I meltit is be an o or something like this o Ta. When youknow you got it at hop when you start drinking against your wit, wait wait upin the morning and you say: I'm not going to have a drain today and my finecock is read and you souse just yers when you wakeup to one say: I'm not going to by alcohol today and by five o'clock inthe after you're voting down the way in a den sense to buy. You Know HalfGallon Bottle of Carlos Rosin Candy and the same body, but you got to say norecord player, but I know you now say, like your vinalrecord lay and laying all those great out. He starts so ole the low and onthis of Blue Ready Day and hunger, my parent parterials gas. How the did you go? You now an ethingfuneral. You know your get your line. You nothear that e. How to trade at San say all your orgirlfriends are around it. Hoping eralet wasn't the way he treated you.You know I mean you know you're, just Ricinari thatpore use it. You know, and they say yourself, that's a that's. What is beanalcoholics, I'm not going to drink it in ground? We do say I'm not indesmotes you just give on. We thirty one years old say you now your life ison. You know it's never going to get better again. Just give that on e younever never stop drinking. You know I'm an out, I'm an alcoholic o how theGreat Meteira type you know that kind of Bein the talk about what it is: aPert, normal ones, tis except a slight nervous disorder. You know a slightnervous e, and so I guess that's the Drinkin thing, but what Isis the bigbook with you, you look examples by the Syden. I guess may me by that is youknow. I've seen thousands and thousands of thousand people as for years onstanching hundreds of people that spot cricket, I'm not sure I've ever heardof anybody, I'm not having a so I am corrected, is a generalization,I'm not sure I've ever heard of any person that has come to a a with thedesire, stop drinking that as't stop drinking. What do you think about that? One if anybody who's ever desired tosoper? That was come we and stop driving for a week or ninety days for a year for ten years, twenty six years at the t start right here again...

...they say things like: I have beenaround a ton six year. Well, I'm only so thirty S, Yi just flew ten years, Sobriam back,I'm back again, I'm picking up again, but otherwise I've heard that all time.So let me ask you something: If alcohol is alcoholism is about drinking, I come everybody it over to o come very few people in a room younow have for years or fifty years, and we should have a lot of eoeus here's.What happens you come? I cover this. This is the benefit. I guess I'm goingolder. A just giving life is just my experience. I C be wrong. I'm just onto my experience. Esential I have is my story, but the O says our storiesdisclosed in a general way. It's our story. You Know God's grace, o a god todo, for alcohol is in our story. You may not believe in God you know egot a shut. You know, listen the God of my estamates, my faith and my belief byyou, but I retires me on the pose, so I am and because of an imprimer programin Ciego. Not only can I talk about a got, Tu me how to worry about what youwant and let me tell you something: If youknow anything about alcohol is the real Saltholm. You want to see what thereales like it. It looks like you telling yourself that you don't reshitabout what other people think about if you've ever said that to yourself thenyou'll tell you something hot, real fun. How about this? Have you ever said toanybody else that give a shit you that anybody else you Tis know yoursleeve you're a sleeve to other people. They live in your head. You worry aboutwhat you think of that. Your worry on to go in a think about. Somebody proposes that you do something.You got a job, O war es you wear, you got a handcuff,you do anything, and this is what you think you think wot I want to do yeah.I want to do it, but if you good for you, have you don't care, I can and then the point port issomething like this people think about being. I do it andif the answer is I don't go to know what an o o you'll do. You'll justcancel it out, because if you're one of those peoplethat say I don't keep on telling yourself, I don't give a rap. Whatother people think about me. That's what I do. Let me tell you something: Erelong, apeople think about him. Never say I elthe say things like they. Don't saythat WHASS is this. I comandala, because I can'tstop raking. That's the only reason I get you now. It seems like a good placeto do. You know mine puses, in the name, alcohol is one o your figure, you canstop drinking, that's where you go and I come in here, and I say I can't stopheron. You know what happen to me. I hadfondly said: There's a why all this assistance on him o no o o t they'renot going to do the things you er ask em to do and what they take their life,an for and every bones pondered and you be small. Then you be arsinoe. I I Ihit my O. I retain as a using six step language. I can entirely ready to havegone or anybody we move the drinking from. I was thirty one years old. Ithought my life was over. You you want to know of the you know water, if youremember, think the bottom on the first step, if you remember found yourself at thepoint of your life, where you can't stop din, you can't stop drinking thewhole life you mal around Bradin and that's the way it is and one day one day something happens. You can'tremember what it is. That happened. Think it's a small thing. Maybe it's alarge thing and one day you get to the point where something sad, somethingsad and all of a sudden. You have somehow become you, don't even realizethis, intellectually does not intellectual thing entirely, ready todo anything to stop drinking you're so ready to stop drinking than believe in.I don't know, go to alcohol and so you'll. Even I don't know a Alcoholis you'll even tell somebody. I need helpmy bad sucking, listen, you're, so ready to stop me drinking you'll. Go toa me where you don't know anybody and you'll walk up to the part room andhang up a white chip almost like announcing to the public that you needhow thats, how really goin be,...

...and you will be so ready. You will dothat and you don't know a this is amazing deal you'll, stop drinking. What do you think of that? Santa Maria you so you'll be in pointof your life, where you have done everything to try and start drinkingand you're powerless over the drink and can start drinking and something willhappen, and you don't even know, what's Goin to Ha, you try for a year to startdrinking the ton you can something and a o Sun something happens. A you got the point where you'reentirely rid to stop jecket you're, noting in in terms of the big book interms of steps. But that's what happens and it's not an intellectual thing.It's not cut. You figured something happen as a matter fact or dumas a doornot y. do I you what soon you are probably at the dumbest point of yourlife? It's not that you're at the point, your life, where how how about this,where you actually stopped thinking, no to sorry necessary, you give it up, you don't know what to do so. You windup in here announcing that you can't stop drinking.You, Galician, all of a sudden, you stop drinking. Then, as you stop drinking now you stopdrinking and you like the bays, and you know something happen with give nowwhat happened. Somebody said what happen Wyona an you have to fish a owaine dead downthe line. One day my life was like this and nowmy life was like that and you may not like the idea of God,but you have no idea what a puck actually happen. You know what I mean,so God just going to deal with anything. You know what I mean he walking ayou'll s, the Medi as they're saying, Warra, he'll sit. There say Sam thiswaning bird, because you have your wife or a thing.As long as you stop diking Moraines, you don't want to drink. So what happens? is you go for a monthand you don't care and you go for a May, be still heavyobsession, you're, not drinking, but everywhere you go. You look at otherpeople who are her head. Has One sin you know I mean so you know maybe you're not tricking. You justworry about what everybody else is drinking or on track down and after awhile you get sick and tired. That kind of obsession and son tells you wont, get in You des andpray God as if he move session because decided on drinking out. Time is just athing about Truso. Somehow you set in a redin prayer and follow e strappingsabout a few wars and all some one day you book for a whole day and all of asudden around nine fucking. Ninety said Hari I'm gone that drinking for a wholeday. Second Miracle: How D D that happen? Then next thing you don't think aboutdrinking and all of a sudden got one year, you're, not thinking aboutcoethen. We got six years and Ye O. I o I, like song, pretty low you couplemonths a on from time. Maybe ten years an I t, e e you're Hainin on you got five years outErinna years ago, Sainte or okay. So you tell yourself you don't tellyourself this. How loud you know, but maybe it's subconsciously. That e I'm not really sure, because you knowyou can't be Curoe, I mean you're, your pinion yeah. I drink it. For Ten years an Idrank for fifteen years yea drink for twenty years. You know I mean you're an alcoholic,but you a pretty much at this. You know what I mean, and so you still got a name when yougot a note sponsor him, there's no one askinganyone. You know I mean you're, not speaking in Medians, you not O service,because you're not go but you're not grant. Maybe you have a sponsor, maybe youdon't have a sponsor? Maybe you have a sponsor, but you never talk to himbecause you never have really any problems at all. You not question and then maybe you really stuck goingso maybe only go once once in a while. You got t know what's going on in oneday, you have fifteen years and I want married something at whateverthat can is and all of a sudden one day E O. I and you go on me. Finally, after abouta year or two make it back and you're trying to explain you try and to explain why you starteddrinking...

...and here's the truth is truth. Is Youdon't know why? I start you really have no O. I s Generaly, and I would listen tosomebody who Fattori in after ten years anyway, because there, as done as that,guy to wet becles the second time by if they do anything. This is whatthey said. This is what they're doing they think they started drinking asthey stop goniatites stopped going. I stopped leaping to my spose and Istopped continuing. It sounds pretty good to you because you hear it a lotof Ayes but here's the problem. It doesn't lyCom a story because you say yourself he he you saidwell, I got the Takin, I'm never going to you hear this. I say I stopped goingon eating, and so what you say to yourself is, I just think, have to stop voting. I'm never going to stop going to be so,there's not be no robe, but there in some of the experience toyou, see that guy stop on me. I was at a Monson, I heard him say I never goingto stop on in, and you start realizing that you didn't discover anything thateverybody else does his back a bora lot of plans it, and you know one of theold ideas that I just have. Is that moistly understand me. My problems issome my so different. I don't even know what to tell people.I can't even explain they wouldn't understand anyway. I'm like a long. Howcould they possibly understand it, and so what happens is, and you don'teven know what to say or how to say it, but the bottom line is a shot that youhave these original idus like I'm, just never going to stopgoing to me, and so you don't realize that everybody is not Ebasser tellemselves well, this is easy. I never get stop all the news until the daycomes where he's a right head is a good looking. Guy Is the house in the country. There's anew car is the job there's a world of client, this, the mature things in theworld at something you literally Sake on you,you stop Watchin de en you're, not drinking, and you don't feel some says:Wanch go. This is no on on day. I Okay and you are okay, so you settle for noperate because wewere recuas, the only problem really had and you don't like deliberately not goto a I mean to Wilson. You things that usedto say in, as at you, give the doer o what it means O say. I E V N, awhatever a and the bottom line is, but you get theschool in bout. You then you're feeling well Anoka. You keep this day, everyonebad in some, you just sort of Sark killing of means,and you don't and it's because and the question is why people who come hereand hear about that stuff forget and stop going to be in to stop pole withthis ere post. That's the real thing was: Why is that a and the problem is is the problem is,is is in order to stay so much there's a couple of things that I can have totake place with a ball number one. They have to understand what the disease is on. So I poont understand it. Is You guys how the second see we're goingto bounce over? The second will box back in four. Second Third See: Let'stake the second step now, the second step, a stable that power in so right rightthat second stuff, that I get that run, got approach. Listen, I'm seventy two!As I'm, not a O T, I e tested on testing my wife tested his I'm notjoking about this. You know, I'm not a m. This is true because here's, theproblem has anybody here ever worried aboutstuff. I ever had anxiety on selto about it. I've ever foundyourself worried about the same shit for a long period of time. Yes, for Igo yourself, maybe it's a money problem. I E O Ma promittere problem is a jobproblem for peace problem. He was worried about what people think aboutthe problem, with the going to think a problem at you ever find your self wornsituation, a person you know like for more than an hour. Yes, an e to hour,yea so worried about the same situation.

For like a week, you saw on three flockthe morning: Tigo the same situation, a wanton by the same situation for a weekand not you know, get to sleep in the war about that, and you never sayyourself, then I've been thinking the same, damnpots for a week about the same day of thing I I I get in. I think you to so I got to stop thingabout the Shit Yell you you got. I have us to say I gotta Stop Drinking Yere, I got so ran. I got this trickand I got it here, ten, so eshlong that recyte crazy fucking. I that's SITA's. Just like one thing.That's just like one thing you by the way. You know we come, you know if youare like that, you know what helps or that Scott, no it does. I I too licker Naria drugs lot of thatshit. If you happen to belong to an organization like this, where you can'tDrivin, you can't drunk you'll like stuck with that shit. So so, and Idon't want to think that that's your only problem because apparently from a subtenses andself setter, I don't know what that is. Come we basically good people like orbasically looking book up the word total depravitas. Whatmy assassins! You really understand what I say you nogood person, a person, you basically a self setter on person, your selfish inthe sub stener. That's the way you are givin any particular situation. Over aperiod of time. You make the acomplishment eventually you're, goingto to selfish yourself center you're, driven by a hundred ports of per selfpollution self. Seeking you step up, lootin counting seem of thatprovocation, but in the end you basically hurt these people, becauseyou make decisions based upon selfishness with pecial position, ear or self will on Rio. Give Shit by whatmy sponsor play. AMASIS. You don't shut Oteros for so, and I proved thatthroughout my life and I'm not to save you that alcohol made me do all theship but most of the people. I've heard I heard him and because of things Isend things I did the Wean, I get a cold stone, sober and I've heard. Maybeit same people maybe same ways sober in alcoholics. Anonymous that I had tomake a man in school will test the? No that's, that's that's what myproblem is. My problem is your er gin say I'm spiritual, not religious, and Iwish I could be like them boy. I wish I could stay on the spiritual E, I'm notI Matai am addicted to every thing is on a bias to sex romance. You know whatI mean: women, cars money, you sure you're laughing, you don't know whatit's like. I don't have that. Oh, I can walk intoa bar with a good king go and I'm like run, I'm drunk trustingI'm on top of the world. On the greatest. I could drive a randomFerrari down the street with the windows down, but a cigarette hang out,I not with Sun with glasses on, and, I might say, Hola an twenty five yearsold and looking around at the whole world going to me and I'm drunk, I got a hundred o back, I'm drunk withmoney. I spend more money, I don't have by shit out of me, O Frese. I don'tlike you can possibly imagine I'm drunk. I don't in you know something. I'm analcohol go nothing more bettering faster than apple, but everything elsein this world works more security and stated you know,here's the problem, just what Aos Gon understand. The second set will report you. Thesecond step is where we come to believe that there's a power that can restoreus, the Sena, but here's the deal. The only way you can be restored tosound is if you're insane in the first place. I dont understand you see if you'realready sane, you don't have to be restored to sendIti, and so what the problem is is if you'renot off you're insane. You can be a world famous love star and still beinsane. You could be making millions of dollars and they find you o D and thenbecause you're insane, you could be a...

...world place ale and lose a milliondollar antres contact co contract because you're insane you a presentUnited States and in suck up by some inter again, because you're fuckinginsane insane you her Hoyos in your mind and Hobo and you're a fuckingblack job, but here's the problem, you thinkyou're, okay, you you're, basically a loo you're,basically, okay, you a drinkin problems to five years, so were get off. My back,you don't understand, I'm doing fine. I got a Ouse, I'm not worried, but you'renot and you don't even realize it. You know because your self or it, butyou usually know then so you're not curious of alcoholism. All you you havethis increase lot of mine. Is that's going to killyou, so you know I m. Let's assume thathere's the problem, you read the Big Buck, but the truth is you've. Neverreally read the HIDOBA. You suffer from the conscuentionsly first wife says tome went full down. I was I was on if onlyer and guest butter and you go to understand or you don't understand meon it. Yes and my first life I was in I you know my. I was a log, listen fromthe word o every Friday night, every Saturday night, every Sunday, everyWednesday, I'm in the lamp is looking for her look for the Gal, that's goingto make the okay and I walked into class. One day I wasMiami and I saw some Gal with long legs and beautiful smile. I said that I can havethat down. That was solve my prime in the grot ofthe race form. I was conover seen yourself only I so I'm talking about so yestate thing and then, since I one nits like only works,temorais got a real shorties. If I can only have the scalae once I got the Gout, but I got the joband she gave my wife and I did her I for press to get that you go beautiful.Beach on the O, O black courts became Eton cheap in the state, turns off thestring Muras. I have the whole bit and I had that deal and I never cheated onmy wife. Never never. No longer. You know if I knew what Lovewas and I sat in the Bar on those homicidedetectives drinking looking at those girls on the dance floor, those bondsat in my heads, I said only I haven't ever one of those lategreat. It's only out the solar by so I just sit there and drink with them.Thinking about how great life would be only a cook you that for my life I sithome baby and I go in at two o'clock in themorning, and that happened all the time all the time. So one day, one day my wife, who had been in forfive years, apparently she noticed this Otha. I think it was long wasn't. CHEAPING OIwas just sitting in the bar and looking at the gals and wish not the cheap on the truth is I didn't see not or not,because I wasn't in pedata scared. Whatever who knows, I must would be in a face bideen person,because I want some and she says to me. I just watch it. Iknow early in the morning on the soda. An right now be come on drunker time onme and she said it to me. Like isdeliberate as not fighting about she just walked away. I got my car, I'm aSoveran right now. I graduate PARTEES FOR MY P Y E at last. Ohinon know Imean is in the fact I do everything I know everything. That's all I I get to the first line. I say this tomyself: Hot Work. If you come home rock...

...one more time, I am leaving you putwords so at her, you can take one word at A. I say this to myself what the Hell D ye I was like that and that consence, O n alcohol, that's t, be have a a s as to deal withthe diseases of the seers. In the mind I divided one of the problems. I hasthat whenever you hear rears told that anything that you don't like it conduces you in this world, if you fuck up as muchas with you behind yourself in the milooks for the third or four time, you might find yourself on over again athing. It's like what the Hell is, this all about Er. How did I get how come ongrow as spend money? You know me spend my way then, to make you go to Dat. Youmight find yourself with a crop sorlie, and it's because your insane Akiat you grant you're goin rightyou're going to drink or you gonta live a miserable sober life and not to behappy. It's because you're insane- and you don't realize you think, maybeafter a while that a sponsor and you think it's other people's folk or yourwife's fault or your son- fall whoever foes. The bottom line is even evensoris crap a tat you're not going to stay in that cage, and so one of the things that happensis which we went pretty much. You know the trop matter is I find it almostimpossible to top somebody. Now I could say a lot of things. I cantalbot a lot of my experiences. I hear you drunk an I to do it. I can tell youdifferent things right now I finds up I'm gonna, take by three more mutes. Ican tell you different things that happened in my life when I was drankblah blah blah, and then I drive Blah Blah Blah that I drank blaanty N. Idrank Blah Blah Blah and then I dragged I drank. I drank I drank and at the endof my drag you to say things like some people tatis like man. I did that and Idid that. I did that and you identify you want something to identify. Thatwould not be enough to have a paper FORSTHA. It really would. I really wasn't was in ord to take thefirst step. You have to have a desire. You know. I know that just the big onsays I know you read this at Yo never really had, but she can passy look at something.Readin o not really real, because the big book says if you want what we haveand you willing to go to anybody to get and you're ready to concern Ted you're,not even ready to take the step, and so what you have. I can take all that apostate. If youdon't want what I have we have or somebody else. As you know, some peoplecome here. They not ready, they don't want. We have. They want regulus whatthey had. They want what they had. They want tohor around someone. They want to come here and look at the lone and say lookat that one over there in the corner to one to get late. They want to have sex, they want to geta husband. They want to get a boyfriend, they want to get money, they want totake a tongue out of this place because it's like a jail. They want everything,but the last thing they want is: what's the whole seventeen ro dias, they don'twant that they just want some relied for a little while, so they get theirlives together and doing the things that really basic make them happy, andyou know something I can't help them with that. You know I could say a few words andmaybe the next five times to go out. My they'll think back on Sary, beter thatguy a o Shub like that. I want that stuff and then we will happen as illstart panging around here talking to men or women that have been around fora long time in there is smoking in the parking lot and bullshit around, but I can't be desired. Nobody Yedesire, you just have to drink your way into the desire. You got a forty way tothe desire. You just got to ruin your life way into the desire. That's whatyou got to do. You know I mean so I next EXTA deal but everybody. You know I can't I'm notgoing to say something near on. Sometimes I likes going to go on, sayten, and so for thirty years, his monotate in some sort of talk andthat's the way. That's what happened. You're don have to get the point wherethis thing becomes so important to you. You desire to have so much what's goingon here, which has nothing to do with sex, nothing to do with money, nothingto do with anything material that you can write after you want so much rightin here that you will actually denounce it, not of thing not even go for thatstuff. You want this stuff. I don't know how that happens. I know whathappened in it, but here's the problem.

The problem is even if that happens to all you be, is in transition movie in transition. You may get to thepoint where you want sobriety and emotional surviving woman an else, butyou want to know something you're just starting on the deal and then for the next five ten fifteenin twenty years guilty. You me one big Camp Mersea orsomething give you a line of big, but there is no middle of the road solution. Ereis on everyone on solution, you Elie,God, is either everything or he's not, then he's either everything or he'snothing. You ever had one boot. There is one of us all power that what isGone Yearlin big book. It says above everything musket with the selfishnesswe must have pilis. God makes that possible. There seems no other way toget pie, ear line a big book where it says what you make this decisionseriously. Also to remark what things happen. Peopil give us everything e to stayclose to men and reform his work with whatever hooever he is whatever thiswork is every one in those lines, diffen what they mean. You know what itmeans. What I says is Goin O the wrong solution. It needs. You can be youHafner and Jesus. At the same time, that's right I'LL! Tell you what itmeans. It means you can't. You can't be wanting to follow God, a logos work itcrushes to help other people a wake up the morning and take the out and thinkabout other people and trying to one people in like that that and alsoworried about what you look like. What's going on now, what kind of whatkind of Pole, with a be obsessed with that shit with the banere stuff, whatkind of car you drive or how much money you have it's all an it's, not just Sonontowa inthe middle of the world, to God he listen, I'm gonna get it all to dieand then snatch that shit back Rowington and I'm a sex at to back andon a throne of strict to see what it is sex, Fun guy for the next ten orfifteen years. So I love God, but it but love God othat one my Buck Guy! What about this? You know I mean, and then you willspend the next ten years or eighteen fifteen years for many bay, ten yearsyears in hand, hand combat between the spiritual world and on the most oooohabout, because it says a welcome. o E alcohol was a next a one O o. So you sing me with the entire book andeverything in the book is back, O, don't be relation pot and you sit inthe eating where you're scared to talk about Bob, because everybody in thegroup has told you don't talk about, God will scare away the new comer and so o so o skirt it's hard to gethelp in a situation like that where the entire big book is telling you onething in the entire fellowship is telling youto say so we on- or I don't talk about- God- don't talkabout God because she might offend some one once in so the actual solution. That'sin the bag back the sexual fact to be rocking in the fortinit existence toexperience much of Atin. The grave back is that said, nothing less, which meansand nothing less, is that God has to become the senters of your life and youah to be convinced that you live to your heart. In your mind, which is itewith. Actually your Hardin your mind, make it all these things possible, butwhatever you do don't say day, don't see, as we were serious about theshit, but you want some every once in a while if you're lot, if you fortunate, butGuy Fortunate, we tendon and he's no longer a slave to otherpeople's fault o say because you know Sominoocircumstance in security. He doesn't worry about Esmonde that I telleverything you want and also your tack on the Holy Shot inher herdin my life, but Thatin, the a...

...but opin your mind says just like. Ithink this is the ship they talk about. I I I think I and you know something thosepeople that foul that deal they never ever drink, there's two doors in a here's, the notdrinking door. It is lit Waupun, the that door and then there's the rocketin the fourth ponent book and there's four far people that I and every oncein a while. You see something go from the not raking club. So the rocket is the Fourth DimensionClub. You know what I mean, but you never see. COMTE other way this. When you get to the Pole, youbroke your life to Don and you as the most important thing in your life and you're, and you get the joy ofliving so wake up the morning. You don't need anything else. You don't worry about a lot of otherstuff. You you know you ain't know: VAT! You drinking is not even part of theequate. It's not e e trickin you're, just trying to look for other people.People at Yo help like bill was in that the Lord has been so wonderful to makeyour eat talkin. You can't help yourself from pain at this to one sold for Kinda. If you don'tknow who you are what you are, what are the purposes on the plan by time?You're thirty going be a on the run. So I'm not ron back why II I E O is e. somehow somewhere had justfollowed these men. He said that found his sang and I listened to him at Iwandered on anything else and some cause. I'm smart, because I tell yousomething when I was the smartest guy in the room. I was the drakes. I wasGod I wasn't listening to. That was fun, so I don't what was the first set?Second, Third, eleven five. What was that? But not a t t.

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