AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 10 months ago

Russell S. Talk 5 at the Solutions Group 11/03/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 5 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 11/3/2021

Pay In the first place. This is like advanced fucking an I can hear this anywhere else. You know I meant here. Scared. You're not being going to listen to it. It's going to roll all that. I've heard that before, but you're not really parsing what they're trying to tell you. What they're trying to tell you is that you're so fucking insane that you're going to come to believe that a power can restore you to sanity. But you don't even know how. I'm safe. You are because you read a book. It says you're selfish. SELFCENTER DRI my hundred forms of fear, some bullusion, self seeking. You step on the toes of others. They retaliate, seemilar to that provocation. But you realize ultimately that times of the past you make decisions based upon self and that yourself will run riot, though you usually don't think so. Usually don't think so means for the first twenty years, because the way you get into perspective on what this this is is is you got to live life, because it's sober, alcoholic. You live life as a drunk. Alcohol Number One. You don't think you're selfish or selfcenter and number two, you you just don't think you're selfish and selfcenter. You don't think that way. And even after you stop drinking, you don't know what it needs to be selfish and sult sting, because you think you're basically a good guy. You think you're bas like my grandma used to say. Anybody about grandmother here, grandmothers are fucking great. You know, you can steal money from you do anything, you can say. So you know you're basically a good boy. You know there's grandmother said. So you know I mean the first step of getting that jealous that know you're until on the first place, you're not going to you're not going to try to stop drinking or even become, I'm entirely ready to stop drinking. Or you know, you're not going to know the freedom from drinking or even worry about the freedom from breaking to stop drinking, until you realize that you're you're an out, your powerless over the drinking. You can't stop and it's making your life unmanageable. So how do you know that your life is unmanageable? Will sort you do is think about any lady that's the most important in your life. or buying a new car so you get lady. We're getting a new job, so you have money so you can get lady, or you know, or romance, so or anyone that has to do with that. How you even realize how selfish you are? How you going to realize that? Every time you wake up in the morning you say, if only I had this. Times you thinking alcoholics in in a day, in a single day, things of thought. It only takes one second. If only my boss shot, it's only my wife tooth better. If only I had a new car, if only I could lose it, if only I was what? If only had that blouse. You know I mean. I'm constantly buying Shit, Shit I don't need, with money on Adsmpresi people, on life. How many times do you think in your life you woke up the morning, you've driven and said to yourself, if only, if only then, I would be what? Okay? So if you're constantly telling yourself, if only I had this, I'd be okay, and you're convinced of that because you're alcohol quite thinking is the only normal. It's the way you think if you're convinced that the same thing is good. But if you really haven't one. If you had a many dollars, I've really soft your problem. A lot of guys would many dolls drink themselves to death. You know a lot of movie stars die. What were doses? So you say that. You see, whenever you say, if only I had this idea, okay, what you're really saying to yourself is I'm not okay, I'm not okay. So how many times do you say to yourself I'm not okay, I'm not okay. What effect does that have on a human being? All manager said in the book plan against himself. He said alcohols. You Metal Woman, who who are? You know, want to destroy themselves. The rest of the ceremial discontented. They have to drink and listen then until they can take a few drinks which, you know, basically makes them feel okay. We're our problems. We came in him little, sobriety, it's not the drinking, and sobriety then and kills us. We can stop to drinking, can't stop to thinking. How are we going to figure out what? We have to become entirely ready to get rid of our old ideas a boy. The way, the result is nil. And let you less. You let go outsolutely. How do you let go? And what the Hell you're supposed to get? Let go up, I said to my sponsor. What does it mean? Self? Your Self Center during my hundred forms of fear, self blue and self seeking. Something tells us they met Talia, usually without provocation, when we know we've done something in the past that puts some position to the to be heard. So I'll call the self bone, right, though usually think so. What does that mean? He says Russell with that means you don't give a shit about anybody except for yourself. I've said I like the way the books...

...book. I like what you said. You know what I mean. You know because I'm sensitive. I told my sponsor I was sensitive. He said, no, rate artists a sense of you're just touching. So how do we even learn what the real problem is? The first step in getting out of jail is learning what the selfishness looks like. And we don't think we're selfish because we never let anything wrong, because it's not all fault. Understand one say it's because I wouldn't have done that. I would to rape your doup until you wife if you didn't call me in, as I mean it's I never heard. By the way, if it happened to you the way it happened to you, feel the same way, because there's only one way to react to that. How when you are a fucking crazy nut and you see things a certain way and there's no way of budging, you offer that because you are absolutely sure of that, and you come there and they tell you do stupid things like do you spind that broke? I need money and I'm worried and what am I doings is on. I know what the problem is. You start making call for the group. I don't think he's listening. I mean they the bar. They would have run this a my wife's taple, like Shit, Oh yeah, I know. I think you got to help that new coming. You know, it's like there's no listening. You know, because I'm talking real problems. They're talking. They're like speaking to check the Slovakia. How do you get this thing? How do you how do you even understand how nuts you are unless you go through what they say, repeated humiliations and the final quession of your self sufficiency, sort of like you went went through with the booze, but you got to go through what you went with you. You got to go through what you went through with the booze or the drugs and the pain and the agony over and over again, repeatedly. You got to go through that about sex. You got to go through that about Romans. You got to go through that about money, you got to go through that about you got to do that about everything in this world that you think is important. Because Bill Wilson said, the real problem with alcohol is and is unhealthy dependencies, and an unhealthy dependencies depend on anything except for God, because if you think anything will fix you other than your relationship with God, the bottom line is you will always be running to half that thing that you think will fix you and sometimes you won't get in. Then you'll be frustrated or you'll be pissed, or you'll run over people that don't give it to you, or you'll get it. Then you worried about keeping it and you'll never be able to keep it because you know, over a period of time the car becomes old, wife becomes old because everything changes and you'll have to have more and more and with people like us it only lasts for what it's like a half life. So you got a new wife, and it's grayed and anyone is great. That last. How long does that last? For a month, to months, six months, whatever it is. You got a baby, got to go through bills and then you look at the other blond or whatever. How long does the new car thing? How it always wears off and you're back on the same Jack Pot again. Feel like Shit, you know what I mean. And how do you even understand what the problem is? And you think the problem is that you have problems and you have actually, yeah, you got to kill her, these guys die, but you have absolutely no problems. The only problem you have is your brain. That's it. That's the only problem. You see, you're upset because you're upset able. You're upset about the five, the five hundred dollars, that the bounce check, the five hundred, and you're up set with the guy and you're pissed off of the guy who bounces check for five hundred dollars. You can't sleep at night or you're always thinking about, always talking about the guy. It ain't can give you a potlety dollars back, but your your entire life is ruined because you count the Bobby dollar check and the only reason and the bottom line is you never realize that if it didn't bother you, but you don't even understand if I say, if I say to you if it didn't bother you, how would you feel? You don't even understand what I'm talking about, because how could it not bother you, because you don't know of any other way? Because you're alcohol you're alert everything that's going on around you, every possible thing. You're like every possible slight, you know, because think down inside, even though you're telling everybody how great you are, he's a gratitude to back yourself as an alcoholic is that, you think, is pretty much worthless, and you know that's the bottom line. You know you're just not as good as you always have to prove yourself to other people. God forbid. I mean the the worst thing that happened now, he's like the worst thing that happened to a person that feels like he's secretly insufficient is to be treated like he's secretly insufficient, talk down to that's why you don't like you to talking to and telling you what to do and being up here. You see you're like the back room. You said, who is this asshole? There's at least take you can say this guy' a piece of shame. I ought to be up...

...to the problem. They asked you to be up here. You'd say I'm not ready because just get shits. But it doesn't stop you from saying I'm full of Shit, you know. And to be what an EGO Mabi Act you when the real ego maniac shits you. Who you do is sit around and judge other people. The bottom line is you're fucking crazy and said you're going to be. So the only way to learning is by these repeatedum reliations over period of time. And unfortunately they don't want to rescue for God and be like you. They want to rescue by for drive. Want being an asshole. You can be an asshole and drive and go to work and hold down the job. You know what I mean, and there's no severe consequences, except over a period of time. They had ship. Keeps on happening to you in your miserable you understand and you never piece it together. That had not some of you really thinking. Every once while you drink and you have to keep on coming back to day and the AA and once in a blue moon somebody actually says maybe I'm fucking and saying I should listen to that guy. And then you start really working this thing and doing his stuff and giving yourself to God because you want to be rocking in the fourth dimension of distance. You want to experience much of Heaven, and they say the great fact is this and nothing less, and you start realizing, I think what they're saying is the great fact is this, nothing less than God has to be the central fact of your life, that you haven't we come to Vince that lives in the hard mind and the way we should more ads. He's doing for me, but I can't do for myself. I get to vote myself to God. And then you start following God instead. Then you start going to means, you get guys to spot, you hang around guys to talk about God and talk about this Shit and you stop rolling your fucking eyes at them and making fun of him and hanging out of a parking lot smoking and talking to the girls or talking to the guys and stop with the bullshit. And you wrote the fun up. And that's how it works. And then you have to learn about yourself over and over and over again by these repeated humiliations and you learned the value of suffering, but you got to do that over period. It's on it. And you know, after about two thousand and twenty five years as alcohol as, she started learning a lot of lessons that we going what going and every time you learn the lesson, every time you go through the shape, there's another story attached to it. So we become storytellers. That's all it is. Evening our stories disclosing to jump when we we don't have any stories of our stories. So, like you don't understand. It's not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong. It's just bad greats, some misunderstandings, you know, and we sit around thinking we're okay and every once in a while we're not listening, when we're not texting and watching TV or listening to the radio, all of a sudden we did this. Boys, you know, Asshole, you areadyads right and sort of like someone runs through our lives, our entire life, no matter what's going on, and Asshole me until I'm only coming. I'm such an Asshole I'm never going to get to some of an asshole. You look around to see saying that shit to you, the only one in the car, and so the person is saying that to you as you you're saying that to you because that's what you really said about so that's your reputation. When you about you, you're an asshole and you're never going to be on the pass. That's the bottom line. So how do you? Let me ask something. You got very booze. How you can to get rid of that shit? You can get rid of that shit. I was how you gonna do that and how you going to get rid of that shit? They shot. Are you going to get rid of the I'm an Asshole, I wish I was dead. Are you going to stop that Shit from that? Buy The car, you get the girl, you're driving around and all of a sudden you're feeling great and worried about making the payments, worried about this way. That ben all some of the voice comes this, whatever asshold you are. You get rid of that Shit, and that's the real alcohols and that's what sends your mind. That's what the centers in your mind, not your body. And here's the deal. You don't even realize that that's a problem because you could doing this shit all your life, so you're so used to it. That's alcoholic thinking everything. It's some far you don't realize the problem and even if you realize it's a problem, you wouldn't know how to get rid of it because you've never thought any other way. You don't even think it's another way of doing it. And you're not going to talk to any about that body about it because, even though you will give a shit what other people think about you, your entire life is worried about what other people think about you. So you sure as I'm not going to tell somebody that you walk around telling you something. You're worth this piece of shit. You know what I mean. You may tell some stories, so you pretty much fucked if you're an alcohol right. So alcoholics anonymous as a fellowship men, when they share their experience, trength and hoping to took, then they solve the common problems of us. To come from Alcoholis and you only find membership because I thought, stop drinking. There are no user fees. They remember. Sure, we self, someone's their own contribution. Should say he's not alive, but he said the nomination, politics or things Asi and because no wish to, does not wish. The what in Jinga controversy have primary purpose. Stay sober, other outcost. She but sobriety. WHO's doing? How it works?...

You thought I forgot. I forgot that. I told I told my wife I finally have emotional sobriety, because I'm not alert. I'm not worried that because all I do is think about what did she say, which I can't believe. You said that. I can't get this. Alcoholics do that. The wrong duds on this fancy the real, imaginary shit drive. So it's crazy because we have the ability, as I've all people fuck them like the two psychiatrists have sometimes beholo. The other one says, what the fuck do you know? I mean, we're just fucking Mindry, you know. But somehow, some way, when this emotional sprity hits, just stop paying attention. On Ninety nine percent of your problems. Is that you? I'll tell you what. I never have an alcohol he's ever shared a problem with me. There hasn't been a preceded by a bunch of thing. Everybody's ever called me up with a problem. Says, listen, I was thinking the other day, said Wha, let me explain something. I was thinking of you thinking. He said, yeah, but let me tell you what I was thinking. No, I've spent my entire life not to think the way you think. I don't want to hear it. You gotta stop that thinking Shit. You know, that's our whole thing, you. So I just in my entire life you get to the point where I don't have to think. You'd be surprised a greater life people in you just stopped thinking, because ninety ship ninety percent of the shit that's going around you doesn't involve you, doesn't actually involved. You know it does. It has absolutely nothing with your wife. And out of the five percent, that's not ten percent. That's left, you know, like eight or nine percent of that. There ain't fucking nothing you could do about it anyway. And the too, and maybe it's like two percent west. You're like an ant log going down a river. Every once in a while the log goes to a bed in the river. You think you're steering the fucking log, but you know what I mean, like a log a meter there, you get less wed and that's pretty much what we doing. Aa Otherwise Forget. You know, it ain't gonna be any better than that. But if you believe that there is a God in heaven, they say, you know, they say the big bugs. It's great. Facts is nothing less. God is the central fact of our lives. You know what it says in the big book. I don't care what it says the rooms. I know the room say we're spiritual, not relationships, all that fucking bullshit. That's alcoholic saying that they're better than everybody. You know what that is? Alcoholics don't like selfrighteous people. Then they've becoming the most selfranched pastors in so we we're spiritual, not religious. Who Look down on spiritual religious people? We are spiritual. No, you're a fucking assholes, but you also you who think you're you don't know that territory. You're an evil bastard, selfish people, baster. Look down on people that go to church and tie and help other people and are stable and raise kids, because you're fucking spiritual, not religious, but you got to hate, fucking hate and you haven't killed anybody lately. Selfrighteous, prick up. Great, I'm spiritual. It's an alcohol way of making saying to themselves I'm better than everybody else. And they look down on churches and didn't realize that shows me they're not sober. Because my big book says is alcoholics. We never apologize for God. All men of faith have courage. They trust that God. They let him demonstrate our lives. It says we're a new pace of trust and religned upon God. Is that back it says. It says we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. Don't tell me about your fucking prejudice or you recentl about organized religion because somebody spanked you or for the presepts something bad to you or you got all screwed up over that. Don't tell them. I don't want to hear that. Your twenty years sober and you're still kissed off. At the Roman Catholic Church. Only hear about your bullshit, like all Roman Catholics of band or all Protestants of bad or all you you know, because that's religious and I'm spirits. I don't want to hear that bullshit. You got nothing to tell me? Well, you tell me is that you're resentful and you're not happy. There's a whole group of people that you've just put in a bucket that you hate. Like Bill Wilson, who encourage church membership, said it's not, it's not what it's not absolutely obligate obligatory and a but most of us, including Dr Bob, including all the founders, except one guy, Jim Barnwell, you know, who was an atheist and he ended up drinking. Watch to learn a little history. That a look and learn the history about the Oxford Movement. Learn about what you're really about. Learning about a book. That's that says your real reliance. You don't know whether the will know you, guys. It's okay, because God will determine that. You got must learn your real reliance.

...has depend upon it, seeing what your relationship with him is. Writing Great Events for company test. You got to learn about what the fuck you're involved in here, what this deal is really about. You know, try to figure out what it's really about, because that's the only solution, because the twelve and twelve says if you really want to not be dependent upon the things of this world and worried about the things this world, was the only thing you guys are worried about. True, it depends from the things of this world, depends on dependence upon God with somehow, some way. If I'm not focused on God, I start focusing on the blond spoon ends and redheads and cars and the money and the drives me crazy. And believe me, it's a short drive. I'm not spiritual. I don't know. That's her, it's our. I'm a material man. That's why it says in the sixth step and said that's one that separates men from the boys and the men of those who are trying to basically, you know, growing the image and life is of their creative and do whatever they can to do that. No half measures that avail you nothing. God is either everything or it's nothing. And guess what? A takes a stand God is everything. That's this what it takes a stand against a deasy. I don't you think atheism school? I don't know anythink I don't you think I encourages atheism. There's a chapter in the book call stracted to the Agnostics, and here's what the chapter basically says. You can read if you want. It says this sort of things that has to be abandoned, the mare called a borant morals or better, philosophy of life. But it helped us really gotten rid of it. We would have been well a long time ago, but it didn't help us because we were powers. So would stick to it, sick and do it. So the real promise is online on our body. We gotta that's where you when you grow a book. We're going to talk about God and by the way, it says. And here's where alcoholics get pissed off. Here's where alcohols get pissed off. You know why? Because the more they're pissed off a god, the more it shows how sick they are. Being pissed off at the idea of God is a is a consequence of being diseased, says in the booking and what you're stupid. Of course. I come from the John Wayne School, without Bholism, you know. I like what he says. Life is tough. Life is tough and if you're still but it's even tougher, understand that it's just because you don't have any discernment. When they say when we start saying God is everything, and alcoholics get and they say in alcoholics and suits. You say that, they go crazy, they get pissed off, what they're saying is alcoholics who are in the disease can't handle it, you know, but some story, a few good amends of the truth. You can't handle the truth. So being pissed off and God, I don't care if you got their years. Just tells me you're not. All says to me is you're not sober. Not The sobriety. On one I don't bill wilsonism. I don't. Dr Bob wasn't because at the end of his story says if you're an atheist or agnostic, atheist or an agnostic, I've some sort of diital left. Will probably to keep you from what's he talking about? This book? I feel sorry for you. Pity the heavenly father and never let you down. So you do this anyway you want to do it. I mean, but I don't think what and I didn't come into here like Holy Road Roller, because I was, you know, into the church thing. I was into the play way club and American Express and all that Shit. You know, I was into the other stuff, the pleasure ship take my mind off how worthless I those going to read how it works. Go ahead. Rarely every sea early foot path recover. You cannot, or women could be give themselves the CI program women were contable, so such important. They are not as small semen go that way. We're naturally incapable of rafting and developing and manners man for her is honest, for chances are less savage. Those two of us a were great emotional and mental disorders, and then you recover. They have the passing to the honans stories is closing a good way. Will used to be like? But happened? Siding what we have there? Will you go to any length to get a certain steps? Some of these we bot is that we could find in years after waiting. The ARNESTS are command that they can beat your listening. Throw from the very start. Those are trying to hold on the old ideas, and the result was nails. Really go absolutely with alcohol, cunning, bafflet powerful, helping is too much for us. But that one has all power. There's one who was all power. That one is God. Better Debil. That's nothing. We said at the train. Acid protection care will complete, abandoned. You're the steps we took with uggested of the programming recovery. When we are invigor powerless over all, called that lively. com came to believe that are powered green ourselves with the sports we made editions, the turn our will inner life over there, or search guys for ourselves to another thing...

...to be an exact nature of our wrong six we're entirely ready to have God remove all these things. Of Characters. Seven humble the astroom. Our shortcoming. He made a list of all for on Leotarment became William, as I may direcommends. So said people whatever possible, except wouldn't do so. We than robins and continue to take a personalmentory wrong. Probably Eleven Su two prayer and meditations, who improve our conscious contact with guys understood, and only for knowledge as well. For us in the party crew, that out well, having had a spiritual waking of is alt of these steps. Try to carry this mess to alcoholics to practice principles. All their names, exclaim what in order. I can't go through and not be discourage. One among us has been able to maintain anything like burpident here. You're not saints. Point your G is. The point is that we're willing to grow on scres a line. That's what we have said down our guys to progress. Claim spiritual progress, and it's groupual profession. Are descripting alcoholic chapter to the agnostic. Personal events before and after. Maybe their three pot ideas. If we are all talking for that has your own life. The probably don't ven powered her every grow up of them see that God and the additions alcoholic well should come first. Personal to for a group purpose, there's but one ultimate authority funding guys. He expressed some of our conscious leaders of a trusted service to do, not covering. The only requirement for a membership is desire to stop drinking, for the true should be on topoms, except in matters affecting others. Is a whole. Each group has the one primary purpose, to carry his message to alcoholics or to the alcohologists. Six and a group a never endorsed financials, any real facility. That's problems of money, property and prestige. I rose from our primary purpose. Seven, every a group problems fully so supporting to finding outside contributions. Alcoholics anonymous should remain forever non professional or service centers. Man Social Workers, all right, he is such a never be organized from make grading. Service boards are directly responsible serve Bols. Anonymous is no opinion on outside issues and sea name would be drawing eleven. Our public relationships policies based on a traction rather than you'd always made tain personal indivity and a level of the presspery and films well in amity. The scriptual foundation of all or never reminding us to thank you so much. So one of the gifts I was given, and it was a real gift from God, when I was given in here, and and I sound like one much, there is a step for the steps. If you want what we have and you're willing to at any length to get it, that you're ready to take certain steps, and they've ready to take a certain steps. Unless you want what we have, when you will be got any like you get. There are people that will come in here. They don't want what we have, they want what they had. What will we have? They want to whoever we is, whoever we is. We in here. You may find the lead one of these days, might start something throwing saying he's part of my wee. You're sober two thousand and twenty, five, thirty, forty years, whatever it is, you're going to be talking about the men and women in your lives, because the person you're going to become the next five or ten years convent on people you hang up with, the books you read, the books you read will been upon them. You will molly yourself. They after other people, because one of the consequences about being in alcoholic as you're a follower. You're not a leader. Next time you think you're leader, just look around and see who the fuck is followed. What'll happen? You're the guy. You're in the alcoholic you're the guy that walks into the bar worried about what everybody's going to think about doing, how you're going to fit in, and then you take a couple lacks of that booze and you start thinking you own the group. You know what I mean. You're the guy who needs something to choose, some up to make them feel like he's almost okay, we're in charge. You are not a leader. You are a guy who's going to for himself out in every way possible to whatever group he's in so that he can blend in. You're a guy, you are a you hurry, you are a junkie for people's affection attention and a junkie for acceptance. And the one thing you can stand on there any circumstances is anything that even looks slightly judged. What people looking down on you? You have no ego. What's on? You don't have an ego problem. You have no fucking...

...either. You know what I mean. You have no self esteem. And Self respect. Good Zerrah, you know I mean. If you're a not, that's a consplict and that affects how you act and what you do and when you think about yourself and how you think about other people. You're a gossiper. You go into bars orherever you are, and you love to talk bullshit and Shit about other people, in judging with other people. And the greatest three you have in your lives is when you're talking shit about somebody beyond their back and the other person's agree with you because somehow, and you don't even understand this, it makes you feel better about yourself. Somehow, when you think ban shit about other people, talk about other people, you are compelled to do it because when you've thoughts up, it makes you feel good about yourself. There's just such a sorry son of a bitch. You feel so crap about yourself. The only three you get is putting down other people and hating other people. That's why you live on miserable fucking line, you know, so you might as well like listen. And what's good? Now? I know I say some tough stuff. I instid disapprove with. You say, well, he said the word focker. He said that. You, you, is whatever I say against me to this rebot everything I just said, because that's what alcoholics do. They say long of me. You hear. He said the word five, he said Craig, he says there isn't that deal, freak, because you know, it doesn't really matter. There's only one and two hundred naked to twenty years, and not every one of them was happy, because we have this great thing called alcoholism, called alcohol, and every two years the alcohol comes through. WHO and wife's out all the fucking bunch of all the wise guys and all the bullshit arts and all the guys that are really doing this thing and are thinking they're cool. They wipe the fuck out. They drink, they drug, they over those, they go to jail, and that's how we purify the group. Otherwise, if everybody stay here with all the bullshit, you know what I mean, we'd be having fish fights every day. Yeah, I need be this literally Um little maniacs. We've got to spread thing all down so he's a get this thing. You come around to, quite frankly, when they say my way of thinking, okay, cancel that, just live a miserable fucking life. You get like out with drinking and you get to be one of these guys that said, Oh, I've been around a day for twenty three years. Oh, he was a fiven, around the program for twenty free years. But how much time? You thirty days, whatever. I says like that. You know. So here's the deal. So I am so my wife, my first wife, tells me, come on, droup over time on me, comeme droump, all with time. This is well, I'm starting so now. So this is one. I'm like twenty six, somebody the math. I'm used to be over there. So I was twenty six when she told me that. At a wife and a child, beautiful house on my beach, I mean stills. You come on, dump with I'm leaving them. I'm so much as I am right now physically. That's me. So I get it by car and I drive down the street my office don of the metro injustice building, because I was a division. You can take stories office trying murder cases. I was at a stupid guy and stop crying line. I say, what the fuck did you mean by that? You come on, droump, with top twelve words, very, very yes, at a very hard he stack together and of course that night it came on drunk and I was out of my marriage. And that's a consequence of being an alcohol. Whenever an alcohol here something or just told, some deals In't like, it confuses or pisses of warm or it doesn't like. So if anybody's disturbed by anything I said, just every disturbed, matter what the bus is something wrong with you. So you should thank me for giving you a spiritual fucking Mr Right and wrong with you? Why you're so frist you know this is because where it's probably doesn't even apply to you. I'll probably change my mind and the way all maybe stupid Abisis. I can't believe I sent that Shit to those people. I believe any of that Shit. You know, these prices w true. So in any that that that's consequence of an Alma. So I when I see one of the things that happens is when I came they as like a story. This is my story. The stories are supposed. We got threezero stories that I give. You only do two or three. So one of the things that happened where you can come in a one of the gifts I was given is the gift of not wanting to drink. I was ready some people coming here and that they don't want what we have. They want what they have. Some people want what we happen, they're not willing to go any length to get it. They're...

...just not willing go to anything together. Very few people want what we have in though anyway to get it. And you know I mean it's sort of like it over a period of time. You learn this shit over period of times. People fall off or they stop doing stuff and they stopped continuating all that sort of stuff. Because here, if you hang around here with sober people, you hang out with sober people and you start talking to sober being about your problems, you're going to find that you were going to be you're going to get suggestions, orders, whatever you want to say to them, that are going to tell you to do things that you don't want to do. And the people that are going to get this thing are the people that are going to do the shit that they don't want to do, not even to do the shit they want to do, but do the shit they don't want to do and they're going to do shit. You see, alpholics like the analyze stuff. Why should I do that? Or that doesn't make any sense or anything like that, because they want to use their brain on shit. See when I sponsor somebody and he comes up to me, he's got two years and he's going nuts. He's saying, I was thinking about this on and what's going on, and I try to talk to him and they immediately stopped. Says, don't know, you don't understand. Blaby said. Let's listen, you got two years and you've been thinking about this for last month and you driving yourself crazy. Right, says. Right, I got over forty years. Okay, this shit is evolved me at all. Okay, we have a choice. We can use your brain on this, my brain. WHO's brain would do like to you? He's Guy's pretty sharp. Really, action the only wayss I think. I want to use your brain. Race and shut the fee the one to explain themselves. They want attention, they want to explain their thinking. I don't want to. You're thinking is the problem. You think it just follow directions, for God's sakes. You don't have to understand it. So when I first came into the thing is I didn't want to drink when anything else. So when I was told stupid stuff like you need to make casts for the group, I don't see anything that they book about making cause for the group. I understand how if I'm broke and I'm my life is over and they got it. I don't see how'm making called to the group is going to give me money. But I but I didn't want to drink and somehow I've gotten to that my sponsor, that somehow this guy was responsible for me not drinking and I don't want to get skipped not drinking, and so I start making the fucking calls for the group. So the next day I didn't want to go to the meeting because no money had come in. I was depressed. No, I wasn't depressed. I boos don't get the best. I was very depressed. You know what I mean. Suicide, you know. But I had to go because I had to make the stupid coffers. I'm as a call the three months the money came in. Everything worked. At eighteen months I had the cover for that stop, you know what I mean. And all I did was stays sober and then called. Now, what I didn't realize is that when I started, when I submitted myself and I surrendered myself to another human being and did shit that made no sense to me anyway whatsoever as far as what I thought the problem was, whether I understood or not. That was the same thing as turned my littlehold life over to God. It was the same mechanism. When we turn our will in our lives over to some we can't see, we can't understand, then you can understand how it can help the thing, but we just do it without asking. It's the same men, I'm working the same muscle. You understand. I'm submitting myself to something that makes no sense. But you know something, I'm surrendering my ego and my idea and my brain because my best thing got it and I'm going to do what they told. They did do and somehow, all of a sudden, starts fucking working. Now what are you going to do when they tell you to pray or do this stuff and it starts working? Now you're really screw now. You're not drinking, you're happy and all you've been doing is doing what you're told, which doesn't make any sense. But now what are you going to do? You know it's working. What are you going to do? What it works, then you don't give a shit whether you understand it or not. You just do it, you know. So I did it because I didn't want to drink. But then the drinking leaves. You don't even think about the drinking. Drinking is gone five hundred and ten years. And now what happens is you're doing shift and you're not doing it because you don't want to drink. Of course you don't want to drink and you thinking, but you're doing it because you want what they have. Just by that. But that but you because you by that time, you have people in your life where you're looking up to and their calm and they're relaxed and everything like that, and has nothing to do with the drinking. And that's true with the fact that you realize that you're nuts. You don't even know why you're nuts and they're not nuts and you want to be like them. So now you're doing crazy stuff that they tell you to do. Go to Boba, study, whatever the hell is that all you do, which makes no sense, but you want what they have, so you're doing what they do. Then you started to getting into the realm of rarely ever seen a person bail who has thoroughly followed up here. Now you get into the realms of Dr bottom good old time is where it says things like the books we found absolutely sensible first bookings, thirteen some of them out in the book the James. That's the they're reading for the first four or five years before the really said thoroughly. Call it up it. Now you get into the realm...

...when they start saying me in cur first church memory ship. Is it obligatory note? It's extra credit. Now you realize that the guys that are really the Olympians of this deal, the leaders who are the trusted servants, are the ones that are actually into the extra credit, because this the men they're that's bring the men from the boys, because the men are willing to go even further than the bare minimum, because the bare men we get you nowhere, because they have measures to get you can get you nothing. There's no middle of the road solution. You know that's the deal. Is Everything. And then you start getting into the real deal and then you start then you become one of those people that you never apologize relying upon God. You're not ashamed of the mind by God, because that's your whole life. And you realize that, just like it says in the book about everything, we must get rid of this alcohol, as we lost our kills, as God makes that possible, and you realize that, the book says once you sincerely tear your life over to the God, also to a remarkable things happening, and you want remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, it gives you everything you need to be stay closely. The performance work well, and the book that tells you your his work has to do with you being a maximum service to other people. So when you go to meetings, she talked about Shit like this meeting to Namy to talk about God, the Bible and all Shit, you don't give a shit what other people think about you. Really don't care. You know why? Because you've lost fear of other people. And then you having to recognize in the book that says as part of the promises you'll lose fear of people and of economicals. Experience and then you speak your mind because you who you are, what you want doesn't depend upon the way some group things of that, boy, what a fucking blessing. That is what a new freedom is. That is you able to be who you are and more worried about what you're doing the odds work and worried about what some guys sitting next to you and a and he's not even playing your piece of films thinking about so. How does so? Then so, some guy calls me up. I don't you like because they the same sponse that that crazy guy said. As you get on relays for eight years. I'm unrelay. You call up in Miami Kank county any Friday night between the hous eight o'clock at night and nine o'clock the next morning, do get me. So nobody gots ober during that period. You know, there's nothing that'll help you learn that alcoholism and how crazy you are and how to deal without box and doing that shit. Okay, and I'm not even going to go through it. I got a many great stories by that. So some guy calls me out and he taught us. I had around ten o'clock at night and he's like suicidal and whatever it is. He's going crazy. He's doing the nuts, you know, and he's so, as I said, he says, he says, I've got two years sobriety. I'm going to any starts. Somebody this horror story about his brain and whatever the hell it is. You know that kind of stuff. Who knows what, but he's got two years sobriety. So I asked him, where are you? Where are you? Look? One of things I ask me, where are you? Using something called Gables. I'm never to called Gables Group. I happen to know that there's a meeting that's ending century and call give us this. A lot of autis there. I said, listening, listening, there's a there's a group called the call Gables Group and there's a meaning that just ended. What you need to do is go over to that group and find somebody there and talk to him about what you're going through. He says to me this. I'm in the car rule. I'm in the car room. It's called me from pay phone and the meeting just ended. And because what happened was Ragulan the goal up to somebody there and saying can I talk to you? I have a problem he wanted to make. You made an anonymous phone call to Aa to speak to me. Now you may think that's crazy, and, by the way, it is, but what it is is the consequence of being an alcohol it's point and everybody has that and this is why you don't call up a sponsor. This is why you don't have a sponsor. This is why you don't talk to other people. This is why you don't have any intimate relationship with every person on the planet fucking Earth. This is why you don't still your Guss. This is why you feel alone all the time, because what's in that king and inability to talk to another human being and in former true relationship with them and talk about a trial on his mind and listen is nonexistent in you, is part of your fear of other people. And let me tell you something. Drinking is nothing compared to that Shit, and that Shit will take you out. And when a person drinks, they have to five years and ten years or twenty years or three months. It's not because he creates alcoholism, it's because of that Shit, because he's never been actually sold. That's the shit that centers in your mind, not your body, the fear of other people. That's the stuff. That's why you don't call the...

...guy or the Gal or the person. That's why you don't communicate and that's why you don't Bob everything else. You want to try to do this on your own. That's why, that's why you are doing desperately deep that it. Now you'll deny it because you're stupid. You'll deny it because you don't know. will say no, no, no, I'm an AA and I understand I have to do the fifth step and I understand have to do that. But the truth is, deep down inside you'll probably do the step, but then that's it. You Ain't hanging out for the sponsor, you don't I you're not gonna have an into relationship. You're going to do whatever the bare Minim is to do and then you're going to go out on with your solo life, not asking questions, not calling up, not following directions, and you're going to wonder why you're so lonely and miserable. That's what you're going to do. But that's what alcoholics do and that's what ninety percent of the alcoholics today have no spawn, no real sponsor. Yes, we have a sponsor. Will tell you'll say those I said. Talk to him. Lastly, last want, whatever it is, by spontsor ten people too will actually call me up. The two that call me up what we call me up one time, you know what I mean, and then it's last time. Your one guile stick. You know I mean. It's just the way it is. We don't. We are scared to have a relationship of other people because when you feel like a piece of Shit, and you know your piece of Shit, best that you want to do is, you know, get close to somebody else. You know, you just want to continue with your thoughts about you, using your brain. That I mention the fact that you're crazy, your brain thinking about and, yes, what you like to think about you. Your brain thinking about you, and it is a problem. You hate you your you go up to your worst that to meet you, thinking about you and about what's happening to you. It's not a good for you, not a good form. Then you go someplace else to get information. So it's one of the reasons you get involved in the fifth step. The fifth step is just basically an exercise. You have the fourth step to at least bring this to another human being. The pits step says, okay, now that you've done the fifth step, this is sort of like what you do for the next fifty years with another human being all the time. This is the kind of relationship you should have the people in your life. This isn't like a onetime deal. This is what you the fifth step. Communication is the way you communicate with certain people in your life and having your life all the time, because otherwise you're going to be talking to yourself and you don't want to be talking to yourself to get a bad deal, you know. So I get one more story than we're going to stop. I didn't know what this has to do with anything, but you know, when more put something in my heart to say, I just say it. I forget. That's I think this has to do with the third step. The fourth step, well, the hat step, but six step, well, the Nice step, but I'm not sure. But it's a consequence. It's a consequence. It shows you about these steps. What I think it really shows is how you learn about yourself, how you learned about where the selfishness is. So my mom was an alcoholic as much as she died as she had nighte in year sprite. It's good gal she was. Actually she was an atheist and which you look at the looking to be look at the Karma. That's all about. You know what I'm a were going to add deal, he's an antheist than egg. She was an atheist and egg, but you wanted the person. She helped. Of the people. I love money, I love and hated my mom, you know, growing up with a drug blomb because she's a New York Uad smart. You know that a mouth on earth. Know that, and know she leaks to bring men and half and shit like that. It's just this really Indian, know, really a real lush and Ellen. So I used to hate it, but I love it. You know, I said I never you like my mother and I turned out to be like my mom. So that's what happened. So even he thinks that so bad. At the House, I go home and I find your line, Fin Block, rock yarder and Edgis Adron. Can you know, got really crazy and I was going to college. I couldn' so I started living with my grandmother, my grandmother. I love my grandmother, my Nand Ethel. I loved her and she loved me, and Ya like I'm A. I'm a grandfather, had seven grandkids, were one more on the way, eight coming up, and I love my grandmother and I was. I was a young alcolic. He's the Sev Seven, eight hundred and nineteen twenty. I was out there drinking and going crazy on my beach and looking for her. You know, I wonder what she had was when been a late to get it. I'm I'm, I'm with a pack of wolves guys, and we're working on the Strip, you guys over the Strip is imabet. We're working the sunny. I'll strip, you know, looking for tourist ladies and Shit like that. And I'm coming home but two, three o'clock the morning. This my grandma. She's like in her s and...

S S my grandfather and I'm like, you know, and good. My Grandmother's one saying. You know, Russell, you're basically a good boy, you know. And and you know, whenever she'd always give me, you know, like money and every like that, that kind of stuff. So I love my grandma. My grandma was the person I know my life that love me unconditional, that I could do anything, you know, and I could be hit when she loved me and wouldn't matter. So up the night I did my fourth step, which I'm not going to go into the fourth set of thing, and I did like they did. It was open the four list and the chart and all that. So the night I did my fourth step, I came home after after I went to a me then I came home my grandma. Guy, I was closest and while I was closest to I never had a chance to make amends to my grandma. I'm not a chance that, you know, dud a step was. I never had a chance to make ant so we go fast forward about two or three four you I got about five or six or seven years Friday now. And, you know, working steps to do it, all the bullshit and everything. And and I have a younger brother who's he's actually an NA for many years. And and he's all I'm the oldest, I'm the oldest kid, I'm the oldest son. You know, you got with the law stool, we get the lawyer, all that Shit, and that every middle brother and that my youngest brother, my honest brother, is the one that we all take care of. You know what I mean? Everybody in the family has, you know, and she's the one. And and so I get a call and I'm lying on my couch at home, you know, and I got a call, this my youngest brother, and and he says Rusk, and I talk to you, and I said sure. He says, I just wanted to ask it. He always liked takes a long time. I hope I'm not disturbing you. I wanted to get to talk to you in my Blah Blah, and I'm like, Jesus, I said, what is it already? I mean you to talk to me. I mean it's eight o'clock at night. You know, I'm go ahead, ask me the question. When it because I know it's going to be about money. I just know it's going to be about money. There's no way this kid would call me up excepting's about money. You know. And and I don't know, I'm thinking now, looking back, that one of the reasons does all this stuff, is it okay, is because he's scared of me. I don't know why. I'm the nicest fucking back. I mean, like, I'm not in right damn not. So calls I so, what is it? Jer says? Why? I said, what do you want? You know? He says, well, I was wondering whether it was possible, whether I can do I know, you know. Wow, fifty. It's about money. You want money. Is that what it is? He says, yeah, I need about fifteen. I you need fifteen. Is that when you need fifty? And it's got to be now. It's got to be tonight. Tonight, you got to come over at eight o'clock tonight, on a Friday night, get fifty for me. Is that what you're saying? Is? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't like me and rough on them. And I got to be honest. Let be honest with myself. I think to a certain extent, you know I'm first of all, I don't like giving out the money. I like the calls that late and now I don't like subsidizing like a fucking thirty year old. You know whatever, Hellever. I don't like that position. You know what I mean? In the bottom line is is I'm sort of thinking. I think about my head. If I came a hard time, maybe you'll start, he'll stop calling me. So, okay, you want the money, come on over, Jeff. I mean if you got to have a come on. Oh, she's something about them. You know what happens? I start thinking about you know what is something about that? I think about my grandmother, my grandmother. No matter what I did my life, if I said, Wady, can I have twenty bucks and tell you, she'd always give me the money. She never gave me Shit, she always giving the money. The only thing like grandmother did. I still remember to this day, she would be sitting here in the same chair Shane, smoking cigarettes, saying I'm worried about your uncle Jerry, worried about your aunt John, I'm worried about your money. Went. She spent her whole life worried about people. All she cared about is other people in the family, taking care of other people in the family. Her whole job, you call a Quada down whatever, was trying to do whatever she could to take care of other people in the family. I started thinking about my grandmother, all this sort of Shit. What my grandmother want me? My grandmother would want me to take care of my brother. You want to take care of my brother. So my brother came to do it, I said. I said, well, here's the fifteen and believe it, not just choice of you me any more. And he's so scary as to do that's okay. You back to have you know, and and to this day as not to ask me somebody for money the other day and I started to get upset and then I said, what the fuck you go? You know you're supposed to take care of this kid. Do you...

...think for one second I wouldn't even be forget about having the store, even thinking this shit. I wasn't sober, an alcoholics anonymous, and hadn't gone through a fourth step and they step and a fifth step, and I said, you think I'd even be thinking about this shit? You know something? First of all, he would have gotten money. The phone's been hung up and I would say, don't hold me back, get a fucking job. You think I did? That would happened. You know, the truth is is that everything I've gone through and any and everything I've had to go through it, every step I have I've had to take, has changed me, has gone into that thing that Dr that Dr Young says that is it, as I could change ideas, emotions, attitudes that drive guy even words it. These men's lives are shifted to one side and they become dominated by own set of ideas, emotions and attitudes. Over a long period of time working these steps, I've become a different person. But, but even though I've become a different person, I would never say I'm spiritual. We lugs. I would never, because I'll tell you, I know me. I know who I am and what I am. I know what I had become and what I was, and I know what I could become again and I know that outside of God's grace and my focusing on him and my realizing what he's done for me and these steps, I become the same asshole I was. You know, I when I said I wonder what she meant by that. That's you want to know who I am. You Cho you want to know who I am. You check out who I was before I before God. You wonder who I am, checked out of the kind of person I was. Don't live at me now. Look at me the way I was before God got Ahold of me. It was anything that's decent about me now, I can tell you this. That's attractive or decent is because of something God came in and took care of and changed. You know what I mean, because I was the same guy I was when I was, you know, twousive, hundred and twenty six, seven, twenty nine thirty. I'm an evil son of the fish. Now I'm not Jack The ripper. I mean that's what I tell myself. At least I murder anybody. That's why pretty much my standards. I'm not a serial killer, you know, but I'll read people's hearts out. I heard of I know. I know who I want that's in this disease. That's why they steps yourself forth. Thank you very much. Ever, I.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (132)