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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 5 at the Solutions Group 11/03/2021

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Russell S. Talk 5 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 11/3/2021

Pay In the first place. Thisis like advanced fucking an I can hear this anywhere else. You know Imeant here. Scared. You're not being going to listen to it. It'sgoing to roll all that. I've heard that before, but you're not reallyparsing what they're trying to tell you. What they're trying to tell you isthat you're so fucking insane that you're going to come to believe that a powercan restore you to sanity. But you don't even know how. I'm safe. You are because you read a book. It says you're selfish. SELFCENTER DRImy hundred forms of fear, some bullusion, self seeking. You stepon the toes of others. They retaliate, seemilar to that provocation. But yourealize ultimately that times of the past you make decisions based upon self andthat yourself will run riot, though you usually don't think so. Usually don'tthink so means for the first twenty years, because the way you get into perspectiveon what this this is is is you got to live life, becauseit's sober, alcoholic. You live life as a drunk. Alcohol Number One. You don't think you're selfish or selfcenter and number two, you you justdon't think you're selfish and selfcenter. You don't think that way. And evenafter you stop drinking, you don't know what it needs to be selfish andsult sting, because you think you're basically a good guy. You think you'rebas like my grandma used to say. Anybody about grandmother here, grandmothers arefucking great. You know, you can steal money from you do anything,you can say. So you know you're basically a good boy. You knowthere's grandmother said. So you know I mean the first step of getting thatjealous that know you're until on the first place, you're not going to you'renot going to try to stop drinking or even become, I'm entirely ready tostop drinking. Or you know, you're not going to know the freedom fromdrinking or even worry about the freedom from breaking to stop drinking, until yourealize that you're you're an out, your powerless over the drinking. You can'tstop and it's making your life unmanageable. So how do you know that yourlife is unmanageable? Will sort you do is think about any lady that's themost important in your life. or buying a new car so you get lady. We're getting a new job, so you have money so you can getlady, or you know, or romance, so or anyone that has to dowith that. How you even realize how selfish you are? How yougoing to realize that? Every time you wake up in the morning you say, if only I had this. Times you thinking alcoholics in in a day, in a single day, things of thought. It only takes one second. If only my boss shot, it's only my wife tooth better. Ifonly I had a new car, if only I could lose it, ifonly I was what? If only had that blouse. You know I mean. I'm constantly buying Shit, Shit I don't need, with money on Adsmpresipeople, on life. How many times do you think in your life youwoke up the morning, you've driven and said to yourself, if only,if only then, I would be what? Okay? So if you're constantly tellingyourself, if only I had this, I'd be okay, and you're convincedof that because you're alcohol quite thinking is the only normal. It's theway you think if you're convinced that the same thing is good. But ifyou really haven't one. If you had a many dollars, I've really softyour problem. A lot of guys would many dolls drink themselves to death.You know a lot of movie stars die. What were doses? So you saythat. You see, whenever you say, if only I had thisidea, okay, what you're really saying to yourself is I'm not okay,I'm not okay. So how many times do you say to yourself I'm notokay, I'm not okay. What effect does that have on a human being? All manager said in the book plan against himself. He said alcohols.You Metal Woman, who who are? You know, want to destroy themselves. The rest of the ceremial discontented. They have to drink and listen thenuntil they can take a few drinks which, you know, basically makes them feelokay. We're our problems. We came in him little, sobriety,it's not the drinking, and sobriety then and kills us. We can stopto drinking, can't stop to thinking. How are we going to figure outwhat? We have to become entirely ready to get rid of our old ideasa boy. The way, the result is nil. And let you less. You let go outsolutely. How do you let go? And what theHell you're supposed to get? Let go up, I said to my sponsor. What does it mean? Self? Your Self Center during my hundred formsof fear, self blue and self seeking. Something tells us they met Talia,usually without provocation, when we know we've done something in the past thatputs some position to the to be heard. So I'll call the self bone,right, though usually think so. What does that mean? He saysRussell with that means you don't give a shit about anybody except for yourself.I've said I like the way the books...

...book. I like what you said. You know what I mean. You know because I'm sensitive. I toldmy sponsor I was sensitive. He said, no, rate artists a sense ofyou're just touching. So how do we even learn what the real problemis? The first step in getting out of jail is learning what the selfishnesslooks like. And we don't think we're selfish because we never let anything wrong, because it's not all fault. Understand one say it's because I wouldn't havedone that. I would to rape your doup until you wife if you didn'tcall me in, as I mean it's I never heard. By the way, if it happened to you the way it happened to you, feel thesame way, because there's only one way to react to that. How whenyou are a fucking crazy nut and you see things a certain way and there'sno way of budging, you offer that because you are absolutely sure of that, and you come there and they tell you do stupid things like do youspind that broke? I need money and I'm worried and what am I doingsis on. I know what the problem is. You start making call forthe group. I don't think he's listening. I mean they the bar. Theywould have run this a my wife's taple, like Shit, Oh yeah, I know. I think you got to help that new coming. Youknow, it's like there's no listening. You know, because I'm talking realproblems. They're talking. They're like speaking to check the Slovakia. How doyou get this thing? How do you how do you even understand how nutsyou are unless you go through what they say, repeated humiliations and the finalquession of your self sufficiency, sort of like you went went through with thebooze, but you got to go through what you went with you. Yougot to go through what you went through with the booze or the drugs andthe pain and the agony over and over again, repeatedly. You got togo through that about sex. You got to go through that about Romans.You got to go through that about money, you got to go through that aboutyou got to do that about everything in this world that you think isimportant. Because Bill Wilson said, the real problem with alcohol is and isunhealthy dependencies, and an unhealthy dependencies depend on anything except for God, becauseif you think anything will fix you other than your relationship with God, thebottom line is you will always be running to half that thing that you thinkwill fix you and sometimes you won't get in. Then you'll be frustrated oryou'll be pissed, or you'll run over people that don't give it to you, or you'll get it. Then you worried about keeping it and you'll neverbe able to keep it because you know, over a period of time the carbecomes old, wife becomes old because everything changes and you'll have to havemore and more and with people like us it only lasts for what it's likea half life. So you got a new wife, and it's grayed andanyone is great. That last. How long does that last? For amonth, to months, six months, whatever it is. You got ababy, got to go through bills and then you look at the other blondor whatever. How long does the new car thing? How it always wearsoff and you're back on the same Jack Pot again. Feel like Shit,you know what I mean. And how do you even understand what the problemis? And you think the problem is that you have problems and you haveactually, yeah, you got to kill her, these guys die, butyou have absolutely no problems. The only problem you have is your brain.That's it. That's the only problem. You see, you're upset because you'reupset able. You're upset about the five, the five hundred dollars, that thebounce check, the five hundred, and you're up set with the guyand you're pissed off of the guy who bounces check for five hundred dollars.You can't sleep at night or you're always thinking about, always talking about theguy. It ain't can give you a potlety dollars back, but your yourentire life is ruined because you count the Bobby dollar check and the only reasonand the bottom line is you never realize that if it didn't bother you,but you don't even understand if I say, if I say to you if itdidn't bother you, how would you feel? You don't even understand whatI'm talking about, because how could it not bother you, because you don'tknow of any other way? Because you're alcohol you're alert everything that's going onaround you, every possible thing. You're like every possible slight, you know, because think down inside, even though you're telling everybody how great you are, he's a gratitude to back yourself as an alcoholic is that, you think, is pretty much worthless, and you know that's the bottom line. Youknow you're just not as good as you always have to prove yourself to otherpeople. God forbid. I mean the the worst thing that happened now,he's like the worst thing that happened to a person that feels like he's secretlyinsufficient is to be treated like he's secretly insufficient, talk down to that's whyyou don't like you to talking to and telling you what to do and beingup here. You see you're like the back room. You said, whois this asshole? There's at least take you can say this guy' a pieceof shame. I ought to be up...

...to the problem. They asked youto be up here. You'd say I'm not ready because just get shits.But it doesn't stop you from saying I'm full of Shit, you know.And to be what an EGO Mabi Act you when the real ego maniac shitsyou. Who you do is sit around and judge other people. The bottomline is you're fucking crazy and said you're going to be. So the onlyway to learning is by these repeatedum reliations over period of time. And unfortunatelythey don't want to rescue for God and be like you. They want torescue by for drive. Want being an asshole. You can be an assholeand drive and go to work and hold down the job. You know whatI mean, and there's no severe consequences, except over a period of time.They had ship. Keeps on happening to you in your miserable you understandand you never piece it together. That had not some of you really thinking. Every once while you drink and you have to keep on coming back today and the AA and once in a blue moon somebody actually says maybe I'mfucking and saying I should listen to that guy. And then you start reallyworking this thing and doing his stuff and giving yourself to God because you wantto be rocking in the fourth dimension of distance. You want to experience muchof Heaven, and they say the great fact is this and nothing less,and you start realizing, I think what they're saying is the great fact isthis, nothing less than God has to be the central fact of your life, that you haven't we come to Vince that lives in the hard mind andthe way we should more ads. He's doing for me, but I can'tdo for myself. I get to vote myself to God. And then youstart following God instead. Then you start going to means, you get guysto spot, you hang around guys to talk about God and talk about thisShit and you stop rolling your fucking eyes at them and making fun of himand hanging out of a parking lot smoking and talking to the girls or talkingto the guys and stop with the bullshit. And you wrote the fun up.And that's how it works. And then you have to learn about yourselfover and over and over again by these repeated humiliations and you learned the valueof suffering, but you got to do that over period. It's on it. And you know, after about two thousand and twenty five years as alcoholas, she started learning a lot of lessons that we going what going andevery time you learn the lesson, every time you go through the shape,there's another story attached to it. So we become storytellers. That's all itis. Evening our stories disclosing to jump when we we don't have any storiesof our stories. So, like you don't understand. It's not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong. It's just bad greats, some misunderstandings,you know, and we sit around thinking we're okay and every once in awhile we're not listening, when we're not texting and watching TV or listening tothe radio, all of a sudden we did this. Boys, you know, Asshole, you areadyads right and sort of like someone runs through our lives, our entire life, no matter what's going on, and Asshole me untilI'm only coming. I'm such an Asshole I'm never going to get to someof an asshole. You look around to see saying that shit to you,the only one in the car, and so the person is saying that toyou as you you're saying that to you because that's what you really said aboutso that's your reputation. When you about you, you're an asshole and you'renever going to be on the pass. That's the bottom line. So howdo you? Let me ask something. You got very booze. How youcan to get rid of that shit? You can get rid of that shit. I was how you gonna do that and how you going to get ridof that shit? They shot. Are you going to get rid of theI'm an Asshole, I wish I was dead. Are you going to stopthat Shit from that? Buy The car, you get the girl, you're drivingaround and all of a sudden you're feeling great and worried about making thepayments, worried about this way. That ben all some of the voice comesthis, whatever asshold you are. You get rid of that Shit, andthat's the real alcohols and that's what sends your mind. That's what the centersin your mind, not your body. And here's the deal. You don'teven realize that that's a problem because you could doing this shit all your life, so you're so used to it. That's alcoholic thinking everything. It's somefar you don't realize the problem and even if you realize it's a problem,you wouldn't know how to get rid of it because you've never thought any otherway. You don't even think it's another way of doing it. And you'renot going to talk to any about that body about it because, even thoughyou will give a shit what other people think about you, your entire lifeis worried about what other people think about you. So you sure as I'mnot going to tell somebody that you walk around telling you something. You're worththis piece of shit. You know what I mean. You may tell somestories, so you pretty much fucked if you're an alcohol right. So alcoholicsanonymous as a fellowship men, when they share their experience, trength and hopingto took, then they solve the common problems of us. To come fromAlcoholis and you only find membership because I thought, stop drinking. There areno user fees. They remember. Sure, we self, someone's their own contribution. Should say he's not alive, but he said the nomination, politicsor things Asi and because no wish to, does not wish. The what inJinga controversy have primary purpose. Stay sober, other outcost. She butsobriety. WHO's doing? How it works?...

You thought I forgot. I forgotthat. I told I told my wife I finally have emotional sobriety,because I'm not alert. I'm not worried that because all I do is thinkabout what did she say, which I can't believe. You said that.I can't get this. Alcoholics do that. The wrong duds on this fancy thereal, imaginary shit drive. So it's crazy because we have the ability, as I've all people fuck them like the two psychiatrists have sometimes beholo.The other one says, what the fuck do you know? I mean,we're just fucking Mindry, you know. But somehow, some way, whenthis emotional sprity hits, just stop paying attention. On Ninety nine percent ofyour problems. Is that you? I'll tell you what. I never havean alcohol he's ever shared a problem with me. There hasn't been a precededby a bunch of thing. Everybody's ever called me up with a problem.Says, listen, I was thinking the other day, said Wha, letme explain something. I was thinking of you thinking. He said, yeah, but let me tell you what I was thinking. No, I've spentmy entire life not to think the way you think. I don't want tohear it. You gotta stop that thinking Shit. You know, that's ourwhole thing, you. So I just in my entire life you get tothe point where I don't have to think. You'd be surprised a greater life peoplein you just stopped thinking, because ninety ship ninety percent of the shitthat's going around you doesn't involve you, doesn't actually involved. You know itdoes. It has absolutely nothing with your wife. And out of the fivepercent, that's not ten percent. That's left, you know, like eightor nine percent of that. There ain't fucking nothing you could do about itanyway. And the too, and maybe it's like two percent west. You'relike an ant log going down a river. Every once in a while the loggoes to a bed in the river. You think you're steering the fucking log, but you know what I mean, like a log a meter there,you get less wed and that's pretty much what we doing. Aa OtherwiseForget. You know, it ain't gonna be any better than that. Butif you believe that there is a God in heaven, they say, youknow, they say the big bugs. It's great. Facts is nothing less. God is the central fact of our lives. You know what it saysin the big book. I don't care what it says the rooms. Iknow the room say we're spiritual, not relationships, all that fucking bullshit.That's alcoholic saying that they're better than everybody. You know what that is? Alcoholicsdon't like selfrighteous people. Then they've becoming the most selfranched pastors in sowe we're spiritual, not religious. Who Look down on spiritual religious people?We are spiritual. No, you're a fucking assholes, but you also youwho think you're you don't know that territory. You're an evil bastard, selfish people, baster. Look down on people that go to church and tie andhelp other people and are stable and raise kids, because you're fucking spiritual,not religious, but you got to hate, fucking hate and you haven't killed anybodylately. Selfrighteous, prick up. Great, I'm spiritual. It's analcohol way of making saying to themselves I'm better than everybody else. And theylook down on churches and didn't realize that shows me they're not sober. Becausemy big book says is alcoholics. We never apologize for God. All menof faith have courage. They trust that God. They let him demonstrate ourlives. It says we're a new pace of trust and religned upon God.Is that back it says. It says we lose all prejudice, even againstorganized religion. Don't tell me about your fucking prejudice or you recentl about organizedreligion because somebody spanked you or for the presepts something bad to you or yougot all screwed up over that. Don't tell them. I don't want tohear that. Your twenty years sober and you're still kissed off. At theRoman Catholic Church. Only hear about your bullshit, like all Roman Catholics ofband or all Protestants of bad or all you you know, because that's religiousand I'm spirits. I don't want to hear that bullshit. You got nothingto tell me? Well, you tell me is that you're resentful and you'renot happy. There's a whole group of people that you've just put in abucket that you hate. Like Bill Wilson, who encourage church membership, said it'snot, it's not what it's not absolutely obligate obligatory and a but mostof us, including Dr Bob, including all the founders, except one guy, Jim Barnwell, you know, who was an atheist and he ended updrinking. Watch to learn a little history. That a look and learn the historyabout the Oxford Movement. Learn about what you're really about. Learning abouta book. That's that says your real reliance. You don't know whether thewill know you, guys. It's okay, because God will determine that. Yougot must learn your real reliance.

...has depend upon it, seeing whatyour relationship with him is. Writing Great Events for company test. You gotto learn about what the fuck you're involved in here, what this deal isreally about. You know, try to figure out what it's really about,because that's the only solution, because the twelve and twelve says if you reallywant to not be dependent upon the things of this world and worried about thethings this world, was the only thing you guys are worried about. True, it depends from the things of this world, depends on dependence upon Godwith somehow, some way. If I'm not focused on God, I startfocusing on the blond spoon ends and redheads and cars and the money and thedrives me crazy. And believe me, it's a short drive. I'm notspiritual. I don't know. That's her, it's our. I'm a material man. That's why it says in the sixth step and said that's one thatseparates men from the boys and the men of those who are trying to basically, you know, growing the image and life is of their creative and dowhatever they can to do that. No half measures that avail you nothing.God is either everything or it's nothing. And guess what? A takes astand God is everything. That's this what it takes a stand against a deasy. I don't you think atheism school? I don't know anythink I don't youthink I encourages atheism. There's a chapter in the book call stracted to theAgnostics, and here's what the chapter basically says. You can read if youwant. It says this sort of things that has to be abandoned, themare called a borant morals or better, philosophy of life. But it helpedus really gotten rid of it. We would have been well a long timeago, but it didn't help us because we were powers. So would stickto it, sick and do it. So the real promise is online onour body. We gotta that's where you when you grow a book. We'regoing to talk about God and by the way, it says. And here'swhere alcoholics get pissed off. Here's where alcohols get pissed off. You knowwhy? Because the more they're pissed off a god, the more it showshow sick they are. Being pissed off at the idea of God is ais a consequence of being diseased, says in the booking and what you're stupid. Of course. I come from the John Wayne School, without Bholism,you know. I like what he says. Life is tough. Life is toughand if you're still but it's even tougher, understand that it's just becauseyou don't have any discernment. When they say when we start saying God iseverything, and alcoholics get and they say in alcoholics and suits. You saythat, they go crazy, they get pissed off, what they're saying isalcoholics who are in the disease can't handle it, you know, but somestory, a few good amends of the truth. You can't handle the truth. So being pissed off and God, I don't care if you got theiryears. Just tells me you're not. All says to me is you're notsober. Not The sobriety. On one I don't bill wilsonism. I don't. Dr Bob wasn't because at the end of his story says if you're anatheist or agnostic, atheist or an agnostic, I've some sort of diital left.Will probably to keep you from what's he talking about? This book?I feel sorry for you. Pity the heavenly father and never let you down. So you do this anyway you want to do it. I mean,but I don't think what and I didn't come into here like Holy Road Roller, because I was, you know, into the church thing. I wasinto the play way club and American Express and all that Shit. You know, I was into the other stuff, the pleasure ship take my mind offhow worthless I those going to read how it works. Go ahead. Rarelyevery sea early foot path recover. You cannot, or women could be givethemselves the CI program women were contable, so such important. They are notas small semen go that way. We're naturally incapable of rafting and developing andmanners man for her is honest, for chances are less savage. Those twoof us a were great emotional and mental disorders, and then you recover.They have the passing to the honans stories is closing a good way. Willused to be like? But happened? Siding what we have there? Willyou go to any length to get a certain steps? Some of these webot is that we could find in years after waiting. The ARNESTS are commandthat they can beat your listening. Throw from the very start. Those aretrying to hold on the old ideas, and the result was nails. Reallygo absolutely with alcohol, cunning, bafflet powerful, helping is too much forus. But that one has all power. There's one who was all power.That one is God. Better Debil. That's nothing. We said at thetrain. Acid protection care will complete, abandoned. You're the steps we tookwith uggested of the programming recovery. When we are invigor powerless over all, called that lively. com came to believe that are powered green ourselves withthe sports we made editions, the turn our will inner life over there,or search guys for ourselves to another thing...

...to be an exact nature of ourwrong six we're entirely ready to have God remove all these things. Of Characters. Seven humble the astroom. Our shortcoming. He made a list of all foron Leotarment became William, as I may direcommends. So said people whateverpossible, except wouldn't do so. We than robins and continue to take apersonalmentory wrong. Probably Eleven Su two prayer and meditations, who improve our consciouscontact with guys understood, and only for knowledge as well. For us inthe party crew, that out well, having had a spiritual waking of isalt of these steps. Try to carry this mess to alcoholics to practice principles. All their names, exclaim what in order. I can't go through andnot be discourage. One among us has been able to maintain anything like burpidenthere. You're not saints. Point your G is. The point is thatwe're willing to grow on scres a line. That's what we have said down ourguys to progress. Claim spiritual progress, and it's groupual profession. Are descriptingalcoholic chapter to the agnostic. Personal events before and after. Maybe theirthree pot ideas. If we are all talking for that has your own life. The probably don't ven powered her every grow up of them see that Godand the additions alcoholic well should come first. Personal to for a group purpose,there's but one ultimate authority funding guys. He expressed some of our conscious leadersof a trusted service to do, not covering. The only requirement fora membership is desire to stop drinking, for the true should be on topoms, except in matters affecting others. Is a whole. Each group has theone primary purpose, to carry his message to alcoholics or to the alcohologists.Six and a group a never endorsed financials, any real facility. That's problems ofmoney, property and prestige. I rose from our primary purpose. Seven, every a group problems fully so supporting to finding outside contributions. Alcoholics anonymousshould remain forever non professional or service centers. Man Social Workers, all right,he is such a never be organized from make grading. Service boards aredirectly responsible serve Bols. Anonymous is no opinion on outside issues and sea namewould be drawing eleven. Our public relationships policies based on a traction rather thanyou'd always made tain personal indivity and a level of the presspery and films wellin amity. The scriptual foundation of all or never reminding us to thank youso much. So one of the gifts I was given, and it wasa real gift from God, when I was given in here, and andI sound like one much, there is a step for the steps. Ifyou want what we have and you're willing to at any length to get it, that you're ready to take certain steps, and they've ready to take a certainsteps. Unless you want what we have, when you will be gotany like you get. There are people that will come in here. Theydon't want what we have, they want what they had. What will wehave? They want to whoever we is, whoever we is. We in here. You may find the lead one of these days, might start somethingthrowing saying he's part of my wee. You're sober two thousand and twenty,five, thirty, forty years, whatever it is, you're going to betalking about the men and women in your lives, because the person you're goingto become the next five or ten years convent on people you hang up with, the books you read, the books you read will been upon them.You will molly yourself. They after other people, because one of the consequencesabout being in alcoholic as you're a follower. You're not a leader. Next timeyou think you're leader, just look around and see who the fuck isfollowed. What'll happen? You're the guy. You're in the alcoholic you're the guythat walks into the bar worried about what everybody's going to think about doing, how you're going to fit in, and then you take a couple lacksof that booze and you start thinking you own the group. You know whatI mean. You're the guy who needs something to choose, some up tomake them feel like he's almost okay, we're in charge. You are nota leader. You are a guy who's going to for himself out in everyway possible to whatever group he's in so that he can blend in. You'rea guy, you are a you hurry, you are a junkie for people's affectionattention and a junkie for acceptance. And the one thing you can standon there any circumstances is anything that even looks slightly judged. What people lookingdown on you? You have no ego. What's on? You don't have anego problem. You have no fucking...

...either. You know what I mean. You have no self esteem. And Self respect. Good Zerrah, youknow I mean. If you're a not, that's a consplict and that affects howyou act and what you do and when you think about yourself and howyou think about other people. You're a gossiper. You go into bars orhereveryou are, and you love to talk bullshit and Shit about other people,in judging with other people. And the greatest three you have in your livesis when you're talking shit about somebody beyond their back and the other person's agreewith you because somehow, and you don't even understand this, it makes youfeel better about yourself. Somehow, when you think ban shit about other people, talk about other people, you are compelled to do it because when you'vethoughts up, it makes you feel good about yourself. There's just such asorry son of a bitch. You feel so crap about yourself. The onlythree you get is putting down other people and hating other people. That's whyyou live on miserable fucking line, you know, so you might as welllike listen. And what's good? Now? I know I say some tough stuff. I instid disapprove with. You say, well, he said theword focker. He said that. You, you, is whatever I say againstme to this rebot everything I just said, because that's what alcoholics do. They say long of me. You hear. He said the word five, he said Craig, he says there isn't that deal, freak, becauseyou know, it doesn't really matter. There's only one and two hundred nakedto twenty years, and not every one of them was happy, because wehave this great thing called alcoholism, called alcohol, and every two years thealcohol comes through. WHO and wife's out all the fucking bunch of all thewise guys and all the bullshit arts and all the guys that are really doingthis thing and are thinking they're cool. They wipe the fuck out. Theydrink, they drug, they over those, they go to jail, and that'show we purify the group. Otherwise, if everybody stay here with all thebullshit, you know what I mean, we'd be having fish fights every day. Yeah, I need be this literally Um little maniacs. We've gotto spread thing all down so he's a get this thing. You come aroundto, quite frankly, when they say my way of thinking, okay,cancel that, just live a miserable fucking life. You get like out withdrinking and you get to be one of these guys that said, Oh,I've been around a day for twenty three years. Oh, he was afiven, around the program for twenty free years. But how much time?You thirty days, whatever. I says like that. You know. Sohere's the deal. So I am so my wife, my first wife,tells me, come on, droup over time on me, comeme droump,all with time. This is well, I'm starting so now. So thisis one. I'm like twenty six, somebody the math. I'm used tobe over there. So I was twenty six when she told me that.At a wife and a child, beautiful house on my beach, I meanstills. You come on, dump with I'm leaving them. I'm so muchas I am right now physically. That's me. So I get it bycar and I drive down the street my office don of the metro injustice building, because I was a division. You can take stories office trying murder cases. I was at a stupid guy and stop crying line. I say,what the fuck did you mean by that? You come on, droump, withtop twelve words, very, very yes, at a very hard hestack together and of course that night it came on drunk and I was outof my marriage. And that's a consequence of being an alcohol. Whenever analcohol here something or just told, some deals In't like, it confuses orpisses of warm or it doesn't like. So if anybody's disturbed by anything Isaid, just every disturbed, matter what the bus is something wrong with you. So you should thank me for giving you a spiritual fucking Mr Right andwrong with you? Why you're so frist you know this is because where it'sprobably doesn't even apply to you. I'll probably change my mind and the wayall maybe stupid Abisis. I can't believe I sent that Shit to those people. I believe any of that Shit. You know, these prices w true. So in any that that that's consequence of an Alma. So I whenI see one of the things that happens is when I came they as likea story. This is my story. The stories are supposed. We gotthreezero stories that I give. You only do two or three. So oneof the things that happened where you can come in a one of the giftsI was given is the gift of not wanting to drink. I was readysome people coming here and that they don't want what we have. They wantwhat they have. Some people want what we happen, they're not willing togo any length to get it. They're...

...just not willing go to anything together. Very few people want what we have in though anyway to get it.And you know I mean it's sort of like it over a period of time. You learn this shit over period of times. People fall off or theystop doing stuff and they stopped continuating all that sort of stuff. Because here, if you hang around here with sober people, you hang out with soberpeople and you start talking to sober being about your problems, you're going tofind that you were going to be you're going to get suggestions, orders,whatever you want to say to them, that are going to tell you todo things that you don't want to do. And the people that are going toget this thing are the people that are going to do the shit thatthey don't want to do, not even to do the shit they want todo, but do the shit they don't want to do and they're going todo shit. You see, alpholics like the analyze stuff. Why should Ido that? Or that doesn't make any sense or anything like that, becausethey want to use their brain on shit. See when I sponsor somebody and hecomes up to me, he's got two years and he's going nuts.He's saying, I was thinking about this on and what's going on, andI try to talk to him and they immediately stopped. Says, don't know, you don't understand. Blaby said. Let's listen, you got two yearsand you've been thinking about this for last month and you driving yourself crazy.Right, says. Right, I got over forty years. Okay, thisshit is evolved me at all. Okay, we have a choice. We canuse your brain on this, my brain. WHO's brain would do liketo you? He's Guy's pretty sharp. Really, action the only wayss Ithink. I want to use your brain. Race and shut the fee the oneto explain themselves. They want attention, they want to explain their thinking.I don't want to. You're thinking is the problem. You think itjust follow directions, for God's sakes. You don't have to understand it.So when I first came into the thing is I didn't want to drink whenanything else. So when I was told stupid stuff like you need to makecasts for the group, I don't see anything that they book about making causefor the group. I understand how if I'm broke and I'm my life isover and they got it. I don't see how'm making called to the groupis going to give me money. But I but I didn't want to drinkand somehow I've gotten to that my sponsor, that somehow this guy was responsible forme not drinking and I don't want to get skipped not drinking, andso I start making the fucking calls for the group. So the next dayI didn't want to go to the meeting because no money had come in.I was depressed. No, I wasn't depressed. I boos don't get thebest. I was very depressed. You know what I mean. Suicide,you know. But I had to go because I had to make the stupidcoffers. I'm as a call the three months the money came in. Everythingworked. At eighteen months I had the cover for that stop, you knowwhat I mean. And all I did was stays sober and then called.Now, what I didn't realize is that when I started, when I submittedmyself and I surrendered myself to another human being and did shit that made nosense to me anyway whatsoever as far as what I thought the problem was,whether I understood or not. That was the same thing as turned my littleholdlife over to God. It was the same mechanism. When we turn ourwill in our lives over to some we can't see, we can't understand,then you can understand how it can help the thing, but we just doit without asking. It's the same men, I'm working the same muscle. Youunderstand. I'm submitting myself to something that makes no sense. But youknow something, I'm surrendering my ego and my idea and my brain because mybest thing got it and I'm going to do what they told. They diddo and somehow, all of a sudden, starts fucking working. Now what areyou going to do when they tell you to pray or do this stuffand it starts working? Now you're really screw now. You're not drinking,you're happy and all you've been doing is doing what you're told, which doesn'tmake any sense. But now what are you going to do? You knowit's working. What are you going to do? What it works, thenyou don't give a shit whether you understand it or not. You just doit, you know. So I did it because I didn't want to drink. But then the drinking leaves. You don't even think about the drinking.Drinking is gone five hundred and ten years. And now what happens is you're doingshift and you're not doing it because you don't want to drink. Ofcourse you don't want to drink and you thinking, but you're doing it becauseyou want what they have. Just by that. But that but you becauseyou by that time, you have people in your life where you're looking upto and their calm and they're relaxed and everything like that, and has nothingto do with the drinking. And that's true with the fact that you realizethat you're nuts. You don't even know why you're nuts and they're not nutsand you want to be like them. So now you're doing crazy stuff thatthey tell you to do. Go to Boba, study, whatever the hellis that all you do, which makes no sense, but you want whatthey have, so you're doing what they do. Then you started to gettinginto the realm of rarely ever seen a person bail who has thoroughly followed uphere. Now you get into the realms of Dr bottom good old time iswhere it says things like the books we found absolutely sensible first bookings, thirteensome of them out in the book the James. That's the they're reading forthe first four or five years before the really said thoroughly. Call it upit. Now you get into the realm...

...when they start saying me in curfirst church memory ship. Is it obligatory note? It's extra credit. Nowyou realize that the guys that are really the Olympians of this deal, theleaders who are the trusted servants, are the ones that are actually into theextra credit, because this the men they're that's bring the men from the boys, because the men are willing to go even further than the bare minimum,because the bare men we get you nowhere, because they have measures to get youcan get you nothing. There's no middle of the road solution. Youknow that's the deal. Is Everything. And then you start getting into thereal deal and then you start then you become one of those people that younever apologize relying upon God. You're not ashamed of the mind by God,because that's your whole life. And you realize that, just like it saysin the book about everything, we must get rid of this alcohol, aswe lost our kills, as God makes that possible, and you realize that, the book says once you sincerely tear your life over to the God,also to a remarkable things happening, and you want remarkable things happen. Beingall powerful, it gives you everything you need to be stay closely. Theperformance work well, and the book that tells you your his work has todo with you being a maximum service to other people. So when you goto meetings, she talked about Shit like this meeting to Namy to talk aboutGod, the Bible and all Shit, you don't give a shit what otherpeople think about you. Really don't care. You know why? Because you've lostfear of other people. And then you having to recognize in the bookthat says as part of the promises you'll lose fear of people and of economicals. Experience and then you speak your mind because you who you are, whatyou want doesn't depend upon the way some group things of that, boy,what a fucking blessing. That is what a new freedom is. That isyou able to be who you are and more worried about what you're doing theodds work and worried about what some guys sitting next to you and a andhe's not even playing your piece of films thinking about so. How does so? Then so, some guy calls me up. I don't you like becausethey the same sponse that that crazy guy said. As you get on relaysfor eight years. I'm unrelay. You call up in Miami Kank county anyFriday night between the hous eight o'clock at night and nine o'clock the next morning, do get me. So nobody gots ober during that period. You know, there's nothing that'll help you learn that alcoholism and how crazy you are andhow to deal without box and doing that shit. Okay, and I'm noteven going to go through it. I got a many great stories by that. So some guy calls me out and he taught us. I had aroundten o'clock at night and he's like suicidal and whatever it is. He's goingcrazy. He's doing the nuts, you know, and he's so, asI said, he says, he says, I've got two years sobriety. I'mgoing to any starts. Somebody this horror story about his brain and whateverthe hell it is. You know that kind of stuff. Who knows what, but he's got two years sobriety. So I asked him, where areyou? Where are you? Look? One of things I ask me,where are you? Using something called Gables. I'm never to called Gables Group.I happen to know that there's a meeting that's ending century and call giveus this. A lot of autis there. I said, listening, listening,there's a there's a group called the call Gables Group and there's a meaningthat just ended. What you need to do is go over to that groupand find somebody there and talk to him about what you're going through. Hesays to me this. I'm in the car rule. I'm in the carroom. It's called me from pay phone and the meeting just ended. Andbecause what happened was Ragulan the goal up to somebody there and saying can Italk to you? I have a problem he wanted to make. You madean anonymous phone call to Aa to speak to me. Now you may thinkthat's crazy, and, by the way, it is, but what it isis the consequence of being an alcohol it's point and everybody has that andthis is why you don't call up a sponsor. This is why you don'thave a sponsor. This is why you don't talk to other people. Thisis why you don't have any intimate relationship with every person on the planet fuckingEarth. This is why you don't still your Guss. This is why youfeel alone all the time, because what's in that king and inability to talkto another human being and in former true relationship with them and talk about atrial on his mind and listen is nonexistent in you, is part of yourfear of other people. And let me tell you something. Drinking is nothingcompared to that Shit, and that Shit will take you out. And whena person drinks, they have to five years and ten years or twenty yearsor three months. It's not because he creates alcoholism, it's because of thatShit, because he's never been actually sold. That's the shit that centers in yourmind, not your body, the fear of other people. That's thestuff. That's why you don't call the...

...guy or the Gal or the person. That's why you don't communicate and that's why you don't Bob everything else.You want to try to do this on your own. That's why, that'swhy you are doing desperately deep that it. Now you'll deny it because you're stupid. You'll deny it because you don't know. will say no, no, no, I'm an AA and I understand I have to do the fifthstep and I understand have to do that. But the truth is, deep downinside you'll probably do the step, but then that's it. You Ain'thanging out for the sponsor, you don't I you're not gonna have an intorelationship. You're going to do whatever the bare Minim is to do and thenyou're going to go out on with your solo life, not asking questions,not calling up, not following directions, and you're going to wonder why you'reso lonely and miserable. That's what you're going to do. But that's whatalcoholics do and that's what ninety percent of the alcoholics today have no spawn,no real sponsor. Yes, we have a sponsor. Will tell you'll saythose I said. Talk to him. Lastly, last want, whatever itis, by spontsor ten people too will actually call me up. The twothat call me up what we call me up one time, you know whatI mean, and then it's last time. Your one guile stick. You knowI mean. It's just the way it is. We don't. Weare scared to have a relationship of other people because when you feel like apiece of Shit, and you know your piece of Shit, best that youwant to do is, you know, get close to somebody else. Youknow, you just want to continue with your thoughts about you, using yourbrain. That I mention the fact that you're crazy, your brain thinking aboutand, yes, what you like to think about you. Your brain thinkingabout you, and it is a problem. You hate you your you go upto your worst that to meet you, thinking about you and about what's happeningto you. It's not a good for you, not a good form. Then you go someplace else to get information. So it's one of thereasons you get involved in the fifth step. The fifth step is just basically anexercise. You have the fourth step to at least bring this to anotherhuman being. The pits step says, okay, now that you've done thefifth step, this is sort of like what you do for the next fiftyyears with another human being all the time. This is the kind of relationship youshould have the people in your life. This isn't like a onetime deal.This is what you the fifth step. Communication is the way you communicate withcertain people in your life and having your life all the time, becauseotherwise you're going to be talking to yourself and you don't want to be talkingto yourself to get a bad deal, you know. So I get onemore story than we're going to stop. I didn't know what this has todo with anything, but you know, when more put something in my heartto say, I just say it. I forget. That's I think thishas to do with the third step. The fourth step, well, thehat step, but six step, well, the Nice step, but I'm notsure. But it's a consequence. It's a consequence. It shows youabout these steps. What I think it really shows is how you learn aboutyourself, how you learned about where the selfishness is. So my mom wasan alcoholic as much as she died as she had nighte in year sprite.It's good gal she was. Actually she was an atheist and which you lookat the looking to be look at the Karma. That's all about. Youknow what I'm a were going to add deal, he's an antheist than egg. She was an atheist and egg, but you wanted the person. Shehelped. Of the people. I love money, I love and hated mymom, you know, growing up with a drug blomb because she's a NewYork Uad smart. You know that a mouth on earth. Know that,and know she leaks to bring men and half and shit like that. It'sjust this really Indian, know, really a real lush and Ellen. SoI used to hate it, but I love it. You know, Isaid I never you like my mother and I turned out to be like mymom. So that's what happened. So even he thinks that so bad.At the House, I go home and I find your line, Fin Block, rock yarder and Edgis Adron. Can you know, got really crazy andI was going to college. I couldn' so I started living with my grandmother, my grandmother. I love my grandmother, my Nand Ethel. I loved herand she loved me, and Ya like I'm A. I'm a grandfather, had seven grandkids, were one more on the way, eight coming up, and I love my grandmother and I was. I was a young alcolic. He's the Sev Seven, eight hundred and nineteen twenty. I was outthere drinking and going crazy on my beach and looking for her. You know, I wonder what she had was when been a late to get it.I'm I'm, I'm with a pack of wolves guys, and we're working onthe Strip, you guys over the Strip is imabet. We're working the sunny. I'll strip, you know, looking for tourist ladies and Shit like that. And I'm coming home but two, three o'clock the morning. This mygrandma. She's like in her s and...

S S my grandfather and I'm like, you know, and good. My Grandmother's one saying. You know,Russell, you're basically a good boy, you know. And and you know, whenever she'd always give me, you know, like money and every likethat, that kind of stuff. So I love my grandma. My grandmawas the person I know my life that love me unconditional, that I coulddo anything, you know, and I could be hit when she loved meand wouldn't matter. So up the night I did my fourth step, whichI'm not going to go into the fourth set of thing, and I didlike they did. It was open the four list and the chart and allthat. So the night I did my fourth step, I came home afterafter I went to a me then I came home my grandma. Guy,I was closest and while I was closest to I never had a chance tomake amends to my grandma. I'm not a chance that, you know,dud a step was. I never had a chance to make ant so wego fast forward about two or three four you I got about five or sixor seven years Friday now. And, you know, working steps to doit, all the bullshit and everything. And and I have a younger brotherwho's he's actually an NA for many years. And and he's all I'm the oldest, I'm the oldest kid, I'm the oldest son. You know,you got with the law stool, we get the lawyer, all that Shit, and that every middle brother and that my youngest brother, my honest brother, is the one that we all take care of. You know what Imean? Everybody in the family has, you know, and she's the one. And and so I get a call and I'm lying on my couch athome, you know, and I got a call, this my youngest brother, and and he says Rusk, and I talk to you, and Isaid sure. He says, I just wanted to ask it. He alwaysliked takes a long time. I hope I'm not disturbing you. I wantedto get to talk to you in my Blah Blah, and I'm like,Jesus, I said, what is it already? I mean you to talkto me. I mean it's eight o'clock at night. You know, I'mgo ahead, ask me the question. When it because I know it's goingto be about money. I just know it's going to be about money.There's no way this kid would call me up excepting's about money. You know. And and I don't know, I'm thinking now, looking back, thatone of the reasons does all this stuff, is it okay, is because he'sscared of me. I don't know why. I'm the nicest fucking back. I mean, like, I'm not in right damn not. So callsI so, what is it? Jer says? Why? I said,what do you want? You know? He says, well, I waswondering whether it was possible, whether I can do I know, you know. Wow, fifty. It's about money. You want money. Is that whatit is? He says, yeah, I need about fifteen. I youneed fifteen. Is that when you need fifty? And it's got tobe now. It's got to be tonight. Tonight, you got to come overat eight o'clock tonight, on a Friday night, get fifty for me. Is that what you're saying? Is? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.I don't like me and rough on them. And I got to behonest. Let be honest with myself. I think to a certain extent,you know I'm first of all, I don't like giving out the money.I like the calls that late and now I don't like subsidizing like a fuckingthirty year old. You know whatever, Hellever. I don't like that position. You know what I mean? In the bottom line is is I'm sortof thinking. I think about my head. If I came a hard time,maybe you'll start, he'll stop calling me. So, okay, youwant the money, come on over, Jeff. I mean if you gotto have a come on. Oh, she's something about them. You knowwhat happens? I start thinking about you know what is something about that?I think about my grandmother, my grandmother. No matter what I did my life, if I said, Wady, can I have twenty bucks and tellyou, she'd always give me the money. She never gave me Shit, shealways giving the money. The only thing like grandmother did. I stillremember to this day, she would be sitting here in the same chair Shane, smoking cigarettes, saying I'm worried about your uncle Jerry, worried about youraunt John, I'm worried about your money. Went. She spent her whole lifeworried about people. All she cared about is other people in the family, taking care of other people in the family. Her whole job, youcall a Quada down whatever, was trying to do whatever she could to takecare of other people in the family. I started thinking about my grandmother,all this sort of Shit. What my grandmother want me? My grandmother wouldwant me to take care of my brother. You want to take care of mybrother. So my brother came to do it, I said. Isaid, well, here's the fifteen and believe it, not just choice ofyou me any more. And he's so scary as to do that's okay.You back to have you know, and and to this day as not toask me somebody for money the other day and I started to get upset andthen I said, what the fuck you go? You know you're supposed totake care of this kid. Do you...

...think for one second I wouldn't evenbe forget about having the store, even thinking this shit. I wasn't sober, an alcoholics anonymous, and hadn't gone through a fourth step and they stepand a fifth step, and I said, you think I'd even be thinking aboutthis shit? You know something? First of all, he would havegotten money. The phone's been hung up and I would say, don't holdme back, get a fucking job. You think I did? That wouldhappened. You know, the truth is is that everything I've gone through andany and everything I've had to go through it, every step I have I'vehad to take, has changed me, has gone into that thing that Drthat Dr Young says that is it, as I could change ideas, emotions, attitudes that drive guy even words it. These men's lives are shifted to oneside and they become dominated by own set of ideas, emotions and attitudes. Over a long period of time working these steps, I've become a differentperson. But, but even though I've become a different person, I wouldnever say I'm spiritual. We lugs. I would never, because I'll tellyou, I know me. I know who I am and what I am. I know what I had become and what I was, and I knowwhat I could become again and I know that outside of God's grace and myfocusing on him and my realizing what he's done for me and these steps,I become the same asshole I was. You know, I when I saidI wonder what she meant by that. That's you want to know who Iam. You Cho you want to know who I am. You check outwho I was before I before God. You wonder who I am, checkedout of the kind of person I was. Don't live at me now. Lookat me the way I was before God got Ahold of me. Itwas anything that's decent about me now, I can tell you this. That'sattractive or decent is because of something God came in and took care of andchanged. You know what I mean, because I was the same guy Iwas when I was, you know, twousive, hundred and twenty six,seven, twenty nine thirty. I'm an evil son of the fish. NowI'm not Jack The ripper. I mean that's what I tell myself. Atleast I murder anybody. That's why pretty much my standards. I'm not aserial killer, you know, but I'll read people's hearts out. I heardof I know. I know who I want that's in this disease. That'swhy they steps yourself forth. Thank you very much. Ever, I.

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