AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 7 months ago

Russell S. Talk 4 at the Solutions Group 10/27/2021 – “Person 1 or Person 2 – Before and After”

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Russell S. Talk 4 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 10/27/2021 - “Person 1 or Person 2 – Before and After”

You know, it's funny because I was talking to somebody early this morning. They called me up on one of the guys have a lot of you. I've been on zoom for about but a year now. We've been on the zoom. I do a lot of zoom meetings and so I have another group. Another you know, when I first came in, they said you got to get a home group. That's my sponsor said it and I said to him, I said, well, what group do you want to say that? You wouldn't like my group, you know, and of course I became very been interested in joining this group. So I joined this group and the killing and Pines Group, and there's a whole story about that that I'm nothing going to maybe if I had some time I'll go into it. It's funny story. But I had this home group and I've always had a home group. I've always had a group where I just felt comfortable. You don't like that show cheers. I mean I know some of you guys, so that show j you know, for here, you know everybody knows your name and always had a home group. I don't know, I just I thought it was important that he, my sponsor, said it was important. He said, I want you to do three things for me. Number One, says, join a home group, and number two. Two every day, reading twenty four, our book, and ask God's help to stay sober. Then I don't remember Max to me with. I believe in God, but he just said do that. And he said number three, if you ever feel like having to drink, call me first, he said, but don't call me after you drink. I really don't want to hear from you after you drink. Call them before you drink. And I remember one time I I wanted to drink because my fiance at the time or something got me all pissed off or something, and girls do that, two guys, and I was going to drink. Make I was going to I was going to show her it's going to punish her by drinking. I'll keeps think like that. Now I don't know. I was going to punish her by drinking, and so I promised my shares. So I called him, my sponsor, and the phone was busy, and then I call them again, the phone was busy, and they call them again and the phone was busy and then I call them again. The phone rang and it rang and rang and nobody answered. I just hang up the phone and I told him, I said, you know, you told me to call you on the flipping phone if I want to drink. I want to drink. Yester, I called you and it was busy and it was busy and I had on the phone that I and then I rang and it rang and nobody answered and you told me to call you. And he says, well, did you drink? I said no, I didn't drink. He's a you see, it works. There's no fighting these guys. You know, they just got an answer for everything, you know. And and so we were talking about the step series that I do now that I've been doing it. You know, I've been doing a step series, you know, for thirty, thirty five years. And and when I first started doing it, you know, your stories change, you change, you change house about that. I came when I'm thirty one on seventy two. I wasn't married and been married forty over forty years. Now. You Change, you know. You know, you put on a little way, you know, and that kind of stuff and stuff happens and you change your way of thinking, you know. And and so when I first started doing these steps series, as when I first started doing the steps, it was more how do you do it? You know, it's more about how do you do it, because I didn't have a lot of experience living the steps and have a lot of experience living sober. You know, I was sort of, you know, at five years, six years, some you're just getting used to being. You're just getting used to how crazy you are. He's done the first thing years. Just realize I am really fucking sick, you know, like this is crazy shit. I don't want to drink, but killing myself as a definite possibility. And and you know, someone I used to do the steps. I'd like explain the steps. I you know, I'd like go to each step, this is how I did it, and decide and all that sort of stuff. So, you know, after for having my forty first year and now after, you know, forty years of working, it's like the what's that show with the karate hit thing with lax on, wax off, wax on d you know for exactly it's the karate karate hit rocks. You know what? You know, you you do the steps over and over again, the test step over and over. You don't over and over and over again and you know at first they're all weird and unusual and sponsor says do an inventory and then do it for do a fist. Do it. You know, and you're charing. You doing all these steps. You know you're doing them, and then after around ten years or so, you just sort of like you're doing without even thinking about them, because that's what you do, because you would doing them. And then after around fifteen or twenty years, you're you're working the steps. Don't even know you're working the steps because it's just becomes a way of life. It becomes a way of life. You're thinking, becomes a way of life. You know, take an inventory. Becomes a way of life. You know how you talk about people now, you don't talk about being. Becomes a way of life. And then after, you know, thirty, forty years, somebody says you still do the steps. I said, I don't really do am my I live them. I'm just I've had that. I've had not that I'm perfect, but you have that personality change. You...

...know. I talked to young talks about ideas, emotions and attitudes that are guiding forces of your life. moved. It moves aside and become dumb. They by home stead of ideas, emotions and attitude. You know, I mean I got the same guy was talking to me this morning. said to me, says so so is the idea you just whatever happens, you just forgive people. I said, well, I think that's the intermediate goal. I think that's the intermediate goal, the transition goal. I think the transition goal is when you're hurt, somebody hurts your feeling, you you even maybe the transition goals even if you do something stupid to react. You make you make an amends. You know, you do a tense step. Then maybe a little bit farther along the line, maybe the real transition goal becomes when somebody hurts your feelings, you don't even do something, you don't even react. You you just forgive them. You know, maybe you get to some point. Maybe you maybe you get to a point where when things bother you, you know, because I'm a sensitive us the same a sponsor. Sensitive is no great artist, is sets if you just touch each his death or as like my other sponsor said to me in that story I told you was a true story. He said he said you're upset because you're upsetable. I just tell them all the reasons. I was up saying you're upsetting us, you're upsetable. Maybe maybe one point you just don't get upsetable, you know, and and so you. So, you know, maybe one of the intermarries, maybe around seventeen or eighteen years or twenty years, I don't know, when it happens. You, you know, you basically things happen to people. Do Stuff for people disappoint you or whatever it is. You know, they just act the way we, you know, to say exactly, well, people's anonymous. You know, even in a people will disappoint you and you just forgive them. And maybe that's a point you come to where you get the point where you just don't stay pissed at people, you know, maybe for thirty seconds and then just let it slide. It's like Teflon, you know, and then, but I don't think that's the final goal. I think the final goal is really getting to the point where you don't have to forgive them because you're not affected by it. Does that thing any sense? You know? I used to say. You know what Il can say? I used to say, is all the time, when I get all man and pissed off of somebody so I don't get so bad as I well, if it happened to you, happened to you, you'd feel this, because I believe, I absolutely believe, that if it happened to you with the same thing that happened to be, if the guy bounced to check on you. You know, I happen to believe that there was only one way to react. Kill the son of a bitch, you know what I mean. Shoot them, you know. And but then I ran into people in AA. They be they'd have cancer and they were happy somebody would do something terrible to him and they weren't upset. And I say they're like amazed people, like amazing, you know, and I would throw them into my wei column. You know, if you want what we have and a willing to go on any like to get it, then you're ready to take Sert. I know it's I developed a way of people and they were, to be honest with the mostly old timers, thirty and forty years and stuff like that, and I didn't even know what they had and was strange to me. They just didn't seem to react. They seemed to be relaxed. I wasn't relaxed. You know, my my feet were going fifteen miles per hour and I was just always looking at my watch and, you know, I was looking around and if they had cell phones, I probably texting and all sorts of stuff and I was just nuts. I was just alcoholic and that kind of thing. And but I wanted what these guys had, so I hung out with them and in that kind of thing, I didn't know how to get it. I didn't even know they had you know, you know, they could have been I know what the story is. So hung out with those guys and a lot and so I I you know, like I tell that story. It's the true story where I was complained about some guy bouncing a check on you five hundred bucks and you know, money's not important. Is Just rite up there with oxygen. And you know, it pissed me off and I was telling everybody I could find about it, going to a meets down, everybody, you know, telling and so my side told my sponsor and he said well, and you know he could tell that I was going for two days talking about this guy. You know, resentment being the number one offender and adds stuff. Yeah, but but if happened to you, you feel the same way, you know, and they're trying to talk me down off the ledge. I said, well, if it happened to you, you feel the same way and I believe you know. And he said, he said, well, how would you feel? It didn't bother you, and I said, I don't understand the question. Why would you feel with didn't bother because I understand, I said. I said I don't stand. I really didn't understand the question. I really didn't understand. I mean, I'm not joke. I didn't understand the question. Guy Bounced five und dollars on me. I would tell I would tell people about they tell Oh, yeah, that's a shitty thing. Everybody understood what I was talking about. I can tell you this. Everybody I drank would was understood exactly what I was fucking talking about. You know what I mean. They say let's go get him and kill him, you know, and they'd all...

...say, yeah, what an Asshole, you know, and all that stuff, and and and and most of the people they understood what I was talking about. But I told my sponsor. He didn't, he didn't get it. You know. He said, well, how would you feel? It didn't bother you, and I'm I'm sitting here try. I'm trying to one of us is crazy. No, seriously, one of us is crazy, I think. I mean, what does it say about old ideas? The result is nilt. Let go out of absolutely you know, and how do you know, what your old idea is? How do you here's the question. How do you know what an old idea is? It's getting upset when somebody steals money from you. An old idea, that's how could that be a fucking old idea? No, I mean, I'm serious. How could it be an old idea that if somebody steals money from you and you got upset, you got to get rid of that? I mean, is that the Dumbest, most insane thing you ever thought about? So I'm telling this guy, man, you got a hunt for these guys all over the planet earth, because, I tell you this, you don't have to be alcoholic. You go anywhere on the plane and say somebody stole fockings Alf from you and you're pissed and you want to hit you know, everybody would understand what you're saying about. Who would tell you there's something wrong with that? Everybody feels like that, except for these thirty years sober assholes, you know what I mean. They like stupid and so we yeah, they ask questions like, well, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? And you say you don't even understand the question because we're speaking English, this speaking. You just love him, you know, it chanks Slovakia or something, you know. And and so finally said, listen, don't you want? I said, I'm asking you, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? And I I think I said how would I and I repeat, I said, how would I feel if it didn't bother me? That he stole five dollars from he said, yeah, I would feel if it didn't bother you. How would I feel if it didn't bother me? Yep, it did bother you. How would you if I didn't bother well, it didn't bother me. I'd feel fine. There you go, there you go, and he walks away. What the Hell you supposed to do with that shit? You know, I'll tell you what do that Shit Twenty thirty years down the road, when Shit like that doesn't bother you, you live a happy life. HMM. You don't talk about people on their back and you don't get pissed off and they gonna get your money back anyway. But how do you get there? How about this? How about that? You so that, but that's not even it. How about this? How about you know, you stay married for forty years. It's hard to live with another human being. So that's okay, I forgive you. How was it even? The truth is, I'm don't even forgive because I'm not even upset with you. So here's this. How do you stay married for forty years? That you know, you guys have all been relationships or whatever shit you call those things. You guys know I've been called a relationship. It's like a wrestling match or something, and I don't know what the hell it is you guys can involved in. Oh my God, I'll he's in love, Jesus. So in any event, yeah, you know, if you go to me and they said, well, let's have me, not relationships. It's all about sex, you know, and it's only want to talk about romantic relationships. You know. Just how do I hook up with somebody? Oh, we're getting together. I found the perfect part. Yeah, we have something in common. What our disease? That's bound for fucking success. I that's like to drivers too. Bad drivers getting together and their rates are going to be lower because there's less jams. So, in any event, I'm was that even talking about it, senility takes out. So you married for forty years and you know, I don't care how much you love the person, how much care about them. You know, after twenty, after ten, fifteen years, bunch of kids and everything, who gives a shit about sex anymore? You know, and you just want to, you know, have a good ball movement or something. I don't know is I mean. You know, it's you know. I mean really twenty years of the same. You know, thirty years and you know, and you're looking for non judgmental love and understanding from the person who picks up your underwear. You know what I mean, and you ain't gonna get it. You know, I mean forget, it ain't going to happen. You know and you're looking in your you're thinking that, why doesn't she treat me better? But those guys in a a would treat me better, you know. But yeah, I'll tell you the truth. The truth is you have if you want nun judgemental love and understoo. If you're married, you want nudge judge, non judgment, all love and understanding. This is where you get it. You know you guys, don't you? Whether you guys are, whether you guys have about roof over your head or not a roof overhead your head doesn't depend about when, whether I pay the mortgage right other as we meet here. We care...

...about each other. We love the Church of but, but, but, but, if I'm broken out of money for the mortgage, it doesn't affect you, does it? Oh, it's the truth. That matter is, I don't affect you. You know. My lifestyle doesn't affect you. You know if I turn on the lights while you're sleeping and you know and I'm tired, you say you woke me up or side, that doesn't affect you. Know you're not affected by me. And when two people you get affected by each other. Don't be looking for Don Ja. Don't be looking for a a love with the person you're married to. If, forty years you're going to get there's going to be arguments, there's going to be shit going on and that kind of stuff. So, Abe, how do you survive forty years? And you know and how you survived. One of the ways you survive is I think the next step, and that is you don't even notice it's happening. How about that? You don't have to forgive anybody because you don't even notice it happened. How about that? You know, I'm walking around with a sponsor, with the sponse and like and my wife says something to me and my spot my sponsee who's having problems with his wife, says did you? Did you hear what she just said to you? And I said know what you know, but she said she said that. Yeah, right, whatever. Well, you don't need what happens when you know alcoholics are very alert the what does it say? The wrong you know, one of the great things you have to learned about the big book is it tells you shit about yourself that you don't know about. Even if you don't realize it's telling you, or even if you're saying saying no, that's not me, twenty years down your road you'll say that's me. It says the wrongdoings of others, fancied or real. That means Imaginary Shit. You know you are. You imagine that people don't like you. Imagine that people think of bad thoughts you. You know you you pass somebody in the hall or something like that. You say hello and they don't answer you back and say what an Asshole, and the thing about what the Hell's wrong with him, you realize that his wife's just died in a car accidents. As minds all over, please not even look at you. You know what I mean. You've already got a peg. Is like some sort of Jerkoff, you know, and you know we're real high maintenance sort of people, and but it's things go along, you change and I change. So one of the things I was talking this guy about, and I'm trying to get back to the subject, you know, trying to get this train robbed. I'm gonna actually talk about the four step. By the way, this will be a challenge, let's say, see how I get to it. Okay, so one of the things you know. So what happens is one of the things that happens is now I forgot whatever I'm going to tell you, so forget that. I'm going to let me read this. It'll come back. So I want to read this is page, since I'm to talk about the four step. Let me read the last page of the big book, which probably has something nothing to do with the four step, or maybe it has a lot to do before step everything. Maybe I'm like doing. Maybe I'm coming at it from different angle, and sometimes you can come from things that the different, you know, from different angle. What have I come from it at a different angle that you'd never thought of before. Well, Guy, say, well, I never thought about that before. You know what I mean. This is a different angle. So this is what it says. On page one hundred and sixty four. It says still, you may say, by the way, you know who they wrote this book for. Anybody know who they wrote this book for? For you? This is not rocket science. They wrote it for you. You're alcohol. It's right. But still, you may say. What's your name? Janet Shannon, Shannon. Well, Still Shannon may say. You may say, but I will not have the benefit of contact with you, who write the book. You know, man, if only Bill Wilson's sponsored me, or Dr Bob or something like that, instead of this door come stuck with you know, and I will not have benefit, the benefit of our contact with you write the book. We cannot be sure. God will determine that. There is again, I'm telling you, he's a big deal in it. Don't when they tell you don't worry about the God thing. Let me whatever you know with you who write the book. We cannot be sure. God will determine that. So you must remember that your real reliance is always upon him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave. So there you've just been told something about yourself that you didn't know. You're addicted to fellowship. You're addicted to fellowship. You Crave Fellowship, possibly even more than you crave alcohol or any substance. You need people around you to care about you. You can't stand being alone. The girls have to have the guys. The guys have...

...to have the girls. Everybody has to have somebody. If you're not an AA, if you're not fellowshipping here, you will fellowship. You'll fellowship out there. You'll fellowship at the boy, you will find a fellowship out there. And the chances are, considering the fact that you're an alcoholic and saying you will fellowship with some sick freaking people. You will felks ship with heroin guys that are doing heroin or cocaine or spoken dope or just don't give a shit, or mentally disease. there. Some you will find your fellowship or, even worse, you'll be at home and you'll be fellowshipping with yourself and you know, I don't know, the TV set or yourself and some radio or some you're going to be fellowsh don't believe me, you will not be alone. You will be craving fellowship. Maybe you'll just start drinking a drug and start fellowship and wheels, all those imaginary people in your mind, your ex boyfriends, ex girlfriends. You know, it's like you'll be fellowshipping. So let me ask some how do you? How did you? How did you? I was told that the man and woman you'll be in the next five or ten years will depend upon the people you hang out with, the books you read, and they start telling you that day. They say it different ways, different ways of saying it, like one way they'll say it is I think I turn this stupid thing off, our year old, so I'm going to it says. They'll say things like stay away from slippery people and slippy places, and they say all sorts of things, but the bottom line is is the person you're going to be in the five years I could be profoundly affected by the people you hang out with because the one lesson. Until alcohol accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences of sobriety, be prepared some to happiness will find at all once you get rid of the alcohol, which is really not a big deal. It honestly isn't a big deal. I know somebody back there, some all timers, say no, yeah, just don't drink and go to be don't drink, got to don't drink. got a bit but the blood of the JUG. But you know the truth is is if all you do is don't drink, go to means you're going to drink anyway. It's gonna Happen, because that's not alcoholism. That's a alcohol is but a symptom of our disease. The real disease sends is your mind, not your body. If you stay is as freaking insane as you are as an alcoholic, you're going to drink again or do something else crazy. They're going to. You're going to drink self pity or drink depression or drink. You're gonna do something else. So an ain't going to matter anyway. So the point is, how do you? How do you so so the person you will be in the next five years. And the other thing about being alcoholics is alcoholics are extremely, extremely affected by the people they hang around. Who they want, who they want to be a part of. They can't stand rejection. They will hore them. We will. We are whrrors. We are horrors. We will sacrifice anything, have you say, Oh, shout, you know, she's the best. You know, to get a compliment, to have people care for us, you know. You know, if we're hanging around with the clan, we're like the most prejudiced clansmen in the world. You know, if we're hanging around with liberals, were alerble, we're hanging around with conserves, we're conservers, rangling, we hang it out, we're we're going to do whatever drug, whatever drug they're doing. We're doing whatever they're smoking, whatever their drink. We're going to do whatever we got to do to fit in so that people like us. And so the bottom line is that thing that used to kill you on the outside, you know what I mean, fitting in with crazy people and doing crazy shit. You know what I mean, like to have killed. You actually can save your life in Aa depend upon who you hang out with, because you'll find yourself hanging out with crazy people who say how would you feel if it didn't bother you? And the more you hang out with them, you'll start turning into them. You'll start think, as crazy as it sounds, you start getting it and you start thinking how they think. If you want, we have and you won't do it to a length to get then you're ready to take certain steps. We got to develop a we. WHO's your we? Going to be in the bar now? How did you pick your friends before you came here? Did it depend upon who has the drugs to depend upon? Who was spoken the same dope you were smoking, or drinking the same drink? You were drinking, hanging around in the same bar? You? How about depend upon? I don't know. What was it about? Lost's it about? You know, I will was. It was about, you know, just people you felt comfortable with because they, you know,...

...they thought like you did. I mean, consider fact you're insane, but they were insane too, but it was like you're kind of insanity, so you felt good about it. How did you pay? Did you pick them because they were cool, because you like the car, because they're rich? That that money, because of the sex? I mean, how did you how do you pick? How to did you pick the people you hung out with? I mean, if the book says, you know, if you want what we have, whatever we have, whatever that thing is not what you had. If you want what we have, the people wrote the book, you know, the people who didn't apologize talking about God, all the people, all the people that they wrote that book, founders, and you're willing to go to any length to get it, just like you'll go to any length guys, just like you go to any length and nail that down in the bar at three o'clock in the morning, just like any lounge lizards. I was a lounge lizard. Any lounge lizards lizards in here. You're hanging around, drink and drink and look at the gals and everything like that, and you know what's the goal. You know the goal right. So I mean both. Believe me, I wanted what she had and I was going to go to any length to get it. You know what I mean, and that's the deal. I know women aren't like that. You understand what I'm saying, so I don't think about women, but I mean, is that how bad you want it? You know do you want is so. So how do you deter how did you determine your friend? How do you determine who you hang out with in here? I mean, they're saying exactly, well, people sit onymous. I mean, surprise, surprise, there's some sick, crazy people in here. You can hear some sick, crazy shit. You're gonna hear some crazy stuff. There's gonna be some people you're saying this stuff is bullshit. You know they're going to tell you go here and got. How do you? How do you determine who you're going to hang with? That's a good question, because how you determine who you're going to hang with? It's going to have a great depenson's going to greatly affect where you're going to be in five years. Or do you going to be in jail? With you to be drinking with? You get this program, you know, like you lie down with dogs, you can get up with fleas. How do you? How do you decide who to hang out with, you know, in this deal? Well, what does that have to do with the for step? So, I mean you crave fellowship, you crave people. All of a sudden you find yourself in here. You know, Wak Up, wake up, somebody trying to get in, but let him in that couch, the Crouch, Chris, Chris on the couch. He's twenty minutes late. It's okay, he's on his couch. You guys don't know Chris on the couch. It's good guy, Brandon. So how do you how do you figure that out? You want to be who you want to hang out with once you're in here. So what does that have to of the four step? So I'm going to leave that. I'm going to put that off to the side. Yeah, okay, and now we're going to go on to something else, something you some of you have heard before. I think you've heard this before. I want to talk about when I got married the first time. Not Unusual in aid have like two wives or three or four, but it's just the way we are, you know. That's the way it is. Not at the same time, not at the same time usually, you know. But so I meet some Gal, she's beautiful, right, because I've never heard a guy in a say I can't. I met some Gal, she was ugly, so I married it. You know, they're all beautiful that they're all like. They're all like beautiful, you know. Right, and take her out of her miss for thinking about my favorite song. If you want to be married, if you want to be happy for the best of your life, never make a pretty woman your life. My personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you, you know, and that's you. Guys, never heard that song. It's an old you have to listen to it's very good, but amen. I so I meet this girl, she's very pretty, and I say to myself, which is not an unusual thought, if only I had this Gal, I'd be okay. Now I've had that thought every day my entire life, at least five times a day. If only like da'll safe, only had that blast, I'd be okay. If only I left lost fifty pounds, I'd be okay. You know, guys say, if only I was more buff, I'd be okay. Or, you know, if only, who knows, if only had a new car, I'd be okay. If only had just you know, guys, then we're constantly telling ourselves if we had this, and we believe that Shit. By the way. We believe it. We believe we are addicted to the things of this what we are absolutely, absolutely convinced that, I mean, the same thing is good. I mean it's nothing over the I love a I mean I'm spiritual, not religious. We live whatever it is. But let's face we all know if somebody just to be a million dollars, that would solve my entire fucking problem. Okay, you know, let's the same thing. Is Good, but we know what would really solve the problem? A million dollars, a hot chick, you know, a new car, a yacht, you know whatever. So I meet this guy and I go if by...

...the by the way, did you ever realize that whenever you say to yourself, if only I had a new car, I'd be okay, how many people have ever said the phrase if only I had how many people have said that? Great Show. Oh yes, two people in the whole group haven't said it before. Actually did fall asleep. Okay, so I want to understand something. When you say that, when you tell yourself that if only I had a car, be okay, what you're saying to yourself is I'm not okay. You spend your entire life saying Shit and you don't even know what you're saying. You spend your entire life saying I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, and then you wonder why. Every once in a while this voice comes through and you hear this. I'm an Asshole, Anti Kill Myself, I'm a fucking loser, I'll never be okay. You spend your entire life putting yourself down, thinking you're a piece of Shit, and if anybody looks at you funny or looks at you in a condescending way or talks to you like they're trying to help you out. But you know something, there's nothing a person that has low self esteem hurts. There's nothing that a person who has low self esteem hates more then somebody who seems to be treating them like they have low self esteem. And we just go fucking ballistic. You know, even if somebody's trying to help us, we can't handle it because we're such damaged goods. We're so damaged, and that's the real alcoholism. That's the shit that doesn't go away because you stop drinking. It's Matt with. The drinking does is make you feel like you're the best, the brightest. You don't. You don't know who you're fucking talking to. The drinking is the only thing that works. makes us feel prettier, handsomer, better, like that without that we're really it's we know we're totally unworthy. So here's the deal. So I'm sitting there and I'm saying, if only I can have her, I'd be okay. And I put on the full court press to try to get that thing happened and I ingratiate myself with the parents, all the bullshit and everything like that. I got to marry me. We have a kid, we have a house on and beach and I'm not going to go through the rest of the story, but I am going to go through a certain amount of the story for a certain reason, a different reason. So if you would ask me so. So here's here's the story, Here's here's my story that I would tell you now. The story I would tell you now would be and I married her because I because I want to marry it, because I knew that would fix me and everything like that. And everything was great. I love their parents, they loved me and I loved her and she loved me and I had a child at House and then, I don't know, about six months later, you know, I just I wasn't happy. I mean, it wasn't exciting. You know, I mean you know, I had the wife and I had the house and that I had to work and I do the stuff you do when you're married, and I working for the states attorney's office, and every night I'm going over the bar and drinking with the guys and I'm looking at the gals on the dance floor. They're all pretty, you know, and it's not that my wife wasn't pretty, but you know, it's like it's how can I explain it's like it's like you buy a new car and it's the greatest thing in the world and you feel great and six months later it's like a youth car. You know. I mean, it's just something that happens, you know, and you know you it doesn't matter how nice the car was if it's used. You know what I mean, there are nicer cars out there. So I'm looking at the GALS and dead I never cheated on my wife, and let me tell you something. Even though I wanted to cheat on my wife, I never did, not because I'm a nice guy, would probably because I thought he'd get caught or something. I don't even know why, but I'll tell you what. I congratulated myself on the fact that I was so virtuous that I didn't cheat on my wife. You know what I mean, because my wife had my life had become sort of boring. I got a wife, I got a kid. You know, I'm going home to work. It'side's. It's not like you going to the bars every night and you know maybe they'll be a new one, you know what I mean. or it's like it's like hunting. You know what I mean, like it's exciting. You know, shouldn't. New Love is like exciting romance. There's no, there's no romance. You know what I mean, when you got the same person for forty years, for God's Sakes, you know it's no romance. You know, it's so handles. It's like who's going to change the diapers? You know, it's like. And so I would get to the porch and I would start drinking and of course that thing clicks in. That clicks in and I'm coming home at two o'clock in the morning almost every other night or three nights, and we took a lot. She's there with the kid at home for five years and and then what happens is she tells me, you come home drunk one time, leaving...

...you. So that night I come home drunk. Didn't mean to, I just I just went to the bar and I told my best friend dog I said, you know, Ronnie says, so I'll come, I'm drunk. One more time to go to leave me. Since Russell, she's never gonna leave you. She loves you in the greatest guy in the world. She's crazy boat. I'm thinking. That's exactly what I'm thinking. That's why, that's why I love these guys in the bar. They are the wisest guys in the world. They know me. And so I have a drink and I'm only fifteen minutes way from the house, so I have time for another, another drink, and let's say, I know it's four o'clock in the morning. They drive me home. I mean there may have been a time, like a week before, two weeks before that, I might have had one drinking at home, but it wasn't that I reached the point where I cost that invisible line or once I took that first drink, I didn't know what you you know it was. You know, Sally botted the door. It was over and so and then she took me out of house. I was out of the House and I was happy as I'm walking away from my house, everything that's important to me. It should have been pointed me. I was happy because now it's free. I was free to go out with the gass in the bar, which is what I wanted to do all the time anyway. I didn't give crap, but I mean I say that way because it really is the truth. You know I don't, but the truth is I didn't give a crap at her. HMM, I didn't give a crap out my kid. Only give a crap about my sex life. I'll give him crap out other one. That I mean, and that's the truth. This is the truth. I'm telling you the truth now. I know it's the truth because I've done the four step and I've done and I know who I was. I don't try to pretty it up and say, well, I'm basically a good boy and it wasn't for the alcohol. I wondered. That bullshit. You know what I mean. The selfish, self centered, evil son of a bitch and I don't give a shit about anybody. Set Myself. That's that's the deal. And about a week later we went to a which she fought the divorce, but then we went to a marriage counselor because she wanted because because she wasn't a whore, because she did have integrity, because she did believe your married, just stay married. Will Death to us. What she did believe in all that bullshit, I mean that religious bullshit, you know. That's why alcohol take religion. There's like too many rules, too many rules that decent people have to fall and want to make their own rules, you know, their own deal, you know. And so I went to the match counsel. He asked my wife, what do you want to change about rough soul? She was saying something. I think she said something about drinking. I'm not sure because I wasn't listening, because I didn't want to get back into the night. Turned to me said what do you want to change about your wife? I said, I just want to date other women. That was the end of the session, you know, and that's that. That's the true story about me and who I and let me tell you some I'd love to say that alcohol maybe do it. I was cold stone sober when she told me to come on drunk more time. I was cold, stone sup whatever that when I went to the bar, I told dog, I said she said that I remembered it when I went into that, when I went into the marriage counselor's office and I said I just wanted date other women. I was cold stones sober when I said that. You know what I mean. I did all most of the stuff, most things I did to hurt people. What does it say in the big book with selfish? It says we made decisions in the past, selfish decisions which put an a position to be heard. I made these decisions because I was selfish, selfcentered and I had no integrity. You know what I mean. I operated on feelings. The only thing it's important to me is my feelings. If I feel like I want another woman, I'll figure out a way how to bust the marriage so I can get one and I'll put some sort of fancy name on it. Now, if you would ask me before I came to day a, why did you get the worst? This is what I would have told you and this is would have been the truth, the truth I've said. We got married we were very young and after we got married she tried to change men, which she did because she kept on saying you need to stop drinking and hanging out of the bar now and the truth is I drank in the bars with her and everything before we got married. She knew I was a drinker, she knew all my friends and she tried to change me and we were different people. We were be getting different people. She changed after we got married. I didn't change and I realized that. I realize that we got married too young and the marriage should have never really happen. It doesn't matter that the kid or anything now. So that's why I got divorce and that was my story and that was the absolute truth and that's what I believe. I left my wife. I would to put in all the stuff about four o'clock in them, the four...

...o'clock in the morning. Shit. That's not point. That's not the real reason. I would I wouldn't even thought about the four o'clock in the morning. I'm moving to Florida, thought about not coming home and getting drunk every night. I wouldn't even thought that stuff. Wouldn't cut we she was trying to change me. We were different people, we got married too young, and that's my story and you know some not only is that the truth, I believed it. I believe that and if that's the truth, then I didn't do anything wrong and if that's the truth, I certainly don't know in the men's if that's the truth, I'm basically a good guy, you know what I mean? That's my back. It was her fault. It's my that's the truth. So now, but both stories are true. My story of twenty seven years of age, Twenty Eight, twenty nine, thirty years of age, was that she tried to change me, she changed and that's why the marriage broke up and why she fought with divorce. That's my story, my story, and thirty five years of age, four years in alcoholics anonymous, is the second story. I got divorced because I was a selfish asshole and because I had no real true love and caring for another person, and all I dare did is care about myself and having sex. That's my story, because I was selfish and I was immature and I heard other people. That's my that's the real story. Okay, so here's the question. Who Do you want to hang out with? which guy do you want to hang out with? You want to hang out with guy number one or guying number two, because all your life in the Bar Gals you've been hanging out with guy number one, your entire life has been hanging out with Guy Number One and guys you've been hanging out with girl number one. So in here is a group of whatever, fifty people, sixty people, and some of them are guy number one and some of our girls number one and some of them are guys number two, you know. And the difference between Guy Number One and guy number two and grow number one and grow number two is the fourth and fifth step. You see through a glass Darkley, but soon we will all be revealed. To know who and what you are. Do you want to talk to you? You want to hang out with somebody who knows the truth and sees the truth and understands the truth. Because what happens when you know the truth about yourself and you start changing, you set self for the other steps, and what happens is you have a deep sense of repentance. Not a word used much in hey use much. In use a lot in Christian circles, on a Christian but but you know, you know what happens. What happens is until you get to a point where you accept the fact that you're ashamed of yourself. You know there's two types of you know there's this great line of Corinthians. He says there's something called selfpity. We all know what Selfdy is right. That leads to death. There's no getting out of self. That's like a drink. It's like a bottle called selfpity. So drink your drink that shit. You know selfpity. Yes, you know where it kills you. But there's a different type of thing. That's sounds like it's related to Selfpity, but it's not selfpity. It's becoming a shamed of yourself. It's getting to that deep sense of shame that usually happens when you hit bottom, where you're not filled with Selfpity, but you're saying to yourself, what the Fuck is wrong with me? How did I allow myself to get to this place? I need help, and that is godly sorrow, and that leads to something called repentance. That leads to something called change. That leads to something called going into alcohols, anonymous and dot diluting yourself, to thinking you're a real nice, super great person. You know what I mean, that you need help and there's something wrong with you. That leads to really growing up and changing, and a lot of that growing up and changing and who you become depends upon who you hang out with. It depends on who you hang outcause who you hang out with will determine whether or not you're going to actually do the forest and how you going to do it, how you're going to do the fifth step. Who you hang out with is that? That's the guy who's going to say the person you hang out with. That's the guy who's going to say, how would you feel within bother? You that's got? That's the guy that's going to ask you the stupid question. That's the guy who's not going to accept your bullshit. That's the guy that's not going to allow you to get away with feeling sorry...

...for yourself. That's the guy who's going to hurt your feelings. WHO's that? That's not going to be your friend, although he may be your friend. That's the guy who's going to love you, although it doesn't feel like love. Sometimes it feels like that. That's guy who's going to bring up, not going to allow you to bullshit yourself because your delusional, you know, because it's so easy for alcoholics to love. You know, I came to alcoholics anonymous. I told you the story and I'm going to end shortly. You know, I came to alcoholics an homes. You know I graduated departments lines around that Max I was felled by PhD and something that doesn't matter what, and lawyer and and they stuck me with a guy was used car salesman from Chicago, didn't even graduate the sixth grade. That name, Bobby Sullivan, is my sponse for seven years until he died. I was supposed to be sponsored by Jesus or Albert Einstein. Is Stuck in the Bobby Sullivan. He's the one who told me in my office, he said when I showed them all my degrees, he said, well, you know wreck both the Monters have degrees. You know what they do with those. He's the one who told me. He's one to told me when I told my own he's want to tell me. When I told him I only have to go to you know, I don't have to go to means on Thursday, he's want to say, you know, you know as much about life as a dog knows about his father, and I'm saying, what the fuck is? And then he died. And then Joe Snyder took out Joe Snyder, but worked in the post officers tired from the post office and he became my sponsor for like ten years, you know. And Joe Stiddy used to take me two of the arch creek group and everybody went to the arch preak group. It's not around anymore. I don't think we'd have two three hundred people there that night and everybody would show up there and there was one guy there and blood dune bar, and everybody would come and gather around Doug, but Dunbar because he was like the wisest guy there. Everybody thought highly about Bud Dunbar. He was really something. But we all looked at we all want to hang around him. And my sponsor one said to me I think he had like forty years or something like that and my spons had like twenty five and he said to me, said, did you ever? Do you know what bud does for a limit? I mean they come from all over as doctor's, lawyer's judge whatever. They come in there just to talk to Bud and says, you know what. But does for a living? And I you know, I forgured he's like a psychiatrist or he's a professor. You know, he I don't know. See how somewhere. He says, you know what Budd does for a living, and I'd say no, he says he parks cars of Eden Rock. He'd part you driving car back and but would park your car for you. It was a it was one of those guys. That's what they all came from, all over a three hundred people so they can hang out with Bud Dunbar. And then later on I was I hung out with rail Keith, who was now he was a lawyer who was a circuits we got hung around with him and then and then John. Then I want to start going to Bible stuff. I needed more. I needed more. Somebody suggest the Bible study. Went the Bible study and all of a sudden, because I needed more than just some sort of fuzzy God. You know when you have cancer, when things start getting rough, things are getting interesting, it's not enough to well God, to love the universal thing. I hate something I could latch onto. So with the Bible study, because that's what the founders did and and I was willing to go to any length. I was willing to go. I they, all those guys became part of my way and they had all done that and I had read the Big Book and I became willing to go to any length to get do it. And I don't really care. I cared less about being cool or whether you liked me and more about getting some relief. And so I went there and I said, next to a guy who had sixty years and his name was John Glenn. Sixty years, but when I started to the fifty years and he became and he was a alcoholic and he was a Baptist minister, and hung out with him and he introduced me to other people like past carry Miller, who I just spoke to on the phonies out of Colorado, and different the people that hung around with him. And so those are the people I hang out with. You know, everyone, I every person is sponsored. I Love Them. They loved me and they had something I didn't have that I wanted and they moved me forward, you know. And now I have another sponsor and other people and everything like that, and move me forward in the person you want. And and I realized, you know, when I first came in, I just say to my sponsored by first one, I said, I know you're trying to brainwash me SAS well. Maybe your brain needs washing, you know, and and it did, and it did. But I realized when I first came in, I said, I think this is like Osmosis. I mean, I go out when if I went to an a mean with them, I go to I we go out to dinner beforehand, then we go to the meeting and then we go dowson and we'd have ice cream afterwards. Two, one o'clock in the morning. I...

...just hung out with these guys. I was following these guys all around. I just wanted to sit there and listen to him talk, and they'd say things and I'd ask them questions. They'd say something, just as how they think about stuff. You know what I mean, how they talked. I'd watch them how they talked other people with problems. You know what I learned? You know I started. You start thinking, you start saying, wow, did you hear what Vom say? Hey, did you do it? John said, John would take me to a restaurant. We'd start eating the food. This is not an AA, it's not an AA. We started eating the food and said, what are you doing? And say I mean he says you can eat. We got to give thanks. We got to give thanks. They sit there and he bowls head and start praying in the middle of it Danny's, and I'm looking around seeing who's looking at me. You know he's praying, he's thank on the Lord for the food and for everything, for Rustle, for everything in the world, and praying for people, like when he's ten minute jobs and and then he's not to say now, Russ, he says now you can. He says now, Russ, the food will taste better because it's got the special ingredients. And I would go to a meetings and they would talk about making God the central fact of their lives, and they would talk about not apologizing for God, and they would talk about we lose all prejudice against the organized religion and they to talk about making a decision for God and all sorts remarkable things happen because so give you everything you needed to stay close to them, performance work well. And they talked about your real reliance has to be in God and they didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. It was all phony, bullshit. You know why? Because I hung out with John Glenn who, in the middle of a Danny's, would stop me for me and says we got to give thanks, and he didn't give a shit who was around them, and he wasn't an aim. You know where everybody was holding hands. They were sort of forced to do it because he lived a fucking program. And you want to know something, God was the central fact of his life. He was a real deal. He was the genuine article. He was the genuine one article. God was the central fact of his life. Bill Wilson, in the book alcoholics, anonymous and not and and Alcoholic. SUNCE number three says the Lord has been so wonderful to me, tru me of this double disease that keep talking about and telling other people. God was the centerpiece of his life. Bob Smith and Dr Bob Nightmare says, if you're an atheist and agnostic, I've some other intellectual pride that keeps you from understandab what's in this book. I feel sorry for yourself, because he was the genuine article. That's where this book is all about. In an AA they applaud atheism, they stand up proudly and say I don't believe in proudly and stay shit and people lap it up. And they lap it up because they're alcoholics and they don't want to do any of this shit anyway, and they roll their eyes and they make fun of people that talk about God. You got to look for the John Glens in this world. You got to look for the Bob Sullivan's and the you got to look for them. Then people the Bob Sullivans and the John Glen's and the real keeps, the Rustle specs. Well, well, whatever, whatever. But the bottom line, the bottom line is who those are, the people that are going, who you hang out with is going to determine what the hell you're going to be. And that's okay, because some people, you know, don't want what they had. They want what they had. They want what the world has. They want money, you know, they want to get laid again. You know, they want that blond, they want that Brunette, they want, you know, the house, they want the car, they want that's fine, they don't even have a week. Don't that really have an even people that they want to hang out with or anything like that. They don't even know that deal. And let me tell you something, those people are few and far between. Don't kid yourself when they talk about the six steps separating from men from the boys. Like one men. You know, I don't like one out of two hundred they start talking about guys like John Glenn. It's start talking about guys like real Keith rares hens teeth around here. But they're here. I'll tell they they are here. If you look for him, they're around, you know. And so so what does that have to well, that's that's you know, the fourth you know, let me tell you something, with a four step and the fifth step at all those steps come really in the play in your life, you know, because a lot of people, once they're done, that's it is when you're hanging around the men, you're hanging around the men or and the women who you're accountable to. That's when, you know, because you'll forget about that four step in the fifth step and all you'll do it and you'll say I'm done with that, done with that, and, being the true alcoholic and the same person you are, you'll go right back to your own way of thinking, because nobody's there to remind you. Like, you know, you're thinking crazy. You gotta Hang I gotta hang out with people that have their head screwed on right,...

...you know, and they think and they think right and they're not scared, because they love you, of telling you that stupid stuff stop thinking like that. You know this guy that I know, that I love, that I care about, and he starts talking to me about something just the other day, such as sound. He's sort of anculous, annocuous, but it's something that's in the news that he's been driving them crazy and then they did this and then they did that and then they did this, and he's just talking about stuff from the news. I said, stop talking about that Shit, stopping even thinking about that Shit. You just you know something that's like. You like drinking. You like you know what that stuff is. I know you've read a newspapers pornography. To you it's pornography, the stuff that don't I don't give a shit that it's current events. I don't even give crap that it happens. You don't mean that happen. You're thinking about your up session about it's like looking at child porn for you. Stop. I don't want it, I don't give a shit. I don't want to hear about it out of your mouth. Stuff that, thank the stop talking about it. He thinks it's safe because it's in the news. You understand, nothing safe for us, nothing safe for us. You start you you start thinking about something that's going on in the news or something more than three or four times a week, and it's keeps on coming up and you think about and you're talking about the other people. It ain't safe. It's pornography, it's drink. It's like drinking. You know, start to understand. Listen, there's only one thing to think. You got to focus on him, focus on the God. If your understanding, you know, that's safe. That's safe stuff. You know and you know something your life, then your life will have the special ingredients you want to you want to life with the specially this isn't that what it says the big book. It says if you make a serious that's what they say, sincere decision for God. Also, it's remarkable things. Don't you want to remarkable things to happen in your life? Yeah, it's not what you want. Don't you want to have remarkable things happen in your life? For God's sex, if you got to hang around to you and put the dollar in the thing, you might as well go for the remarkable ship. You know. That's all I have to say. Thank you very much.

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